August 5, 2025 • 29 mins
How many of you have different politics than your partner? Can a relationship work if each of you are on polar ends of the political spectrum? In this episode, Amy and T.J. give their advice to Laurie, who wrote into their weekly Yahoo column “Ask Amy & T.J.” to find out if she can make her marriage work even though political differences are tearing their relationship apart.
To read their weekly column Ask Amy & T.J., head to Yahoo News
https://yhoo.it/AskAmyAndTJ
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hey, the folks, it is Tuesday, August fifth, and Laurie
wrote into us and she needs our help and she
like your help as well. You see, she has an
issue in her marriage, her forty five year marriage. She
thinks it could be broken and can't be fixed. What
could possibly be the issue? Would you believe it's politics?
(00:25):
My initial advice to her, I bet there's something more
wrong than just politics. Robes initial reaction to her is,
y'all ain't talking right. And with that, welcome to this
relationship edition of Amy and TJ, where we tackle Robes.
The question that came to us on our weekly Yahoo
column dealing with relationships in forty five years? Really politics? Nah,
(00:51):
that's probably not it.
Speaker 2 (00:52):
It can't be. You know, I've always believed that you
can talk about anything and you can have differences as
long as there's mutual respect. So my hunch was that
there's an issue with trust and respect between the two,
because if you have those two things together, it seems
like you can work through differences of opinions. Now, it's interesting,
(01:15):
we'll get into our reader's comments, but a lot of
folks feel like these days politics isn't politics, its values,
it's morals. It's gotten to a place where it's beyond
what you think about the issues and more about how
you treat other people. And if that's the case, they
say this could be a much more significant situation, then
(01:37):
maybe even I was giving it credit for being all.
Speaker 1 (01:40):
Right, we'll give you the full breakdown here, But Lauria
wrote in against talking about her forty five year marriage
and she thinks they're possibly in trouble because of politics. Now,
we gave the summary there at the top, but this
is what Laurie wrote into us fully. Here is her
description of the issue.
Speaker 2 (01:56):
Amy and TJ after nearly forty five years together. The
most significant strain on my marriage is politics. My husband
and I used to share the same party, but in
recent years we found ourselves at polar opposite ends of
the spectrum. The divide has led to frequent and heated arguments.
We've tried avoiding political discussions entirely to protect our relationship,
(02:20):
but it inevitably comes up, especially when we talk about finances,
our children, or plans for the future. So how can
we create healthy boundaries that allow us to navigate difficult
conversations without damaging our marriage?
Speaker 1 (02:35):
Laurie, what was the last part of the question, how can.
Speaker 2 (02:39):
We what create healthy boundaries that allow us to navigate
difficult conversations without damaging our marriage.
Speaker 1 (02:47):
I take politics out of this entire equation and just
go with that question. That's a question you should ask
not just about politics in your relationship, but everything you
do in your relationship. You should create boundaries and navigate
in a certain way that you are being respectful of
the other person. You should do that already in your marriage.
Politics shouldn't make a difference. It shouldn't matter the subject matter.
(03:09):
It could be freaking the Chicago Bears, for gotta sake
and the Vikings. Who cares. I mean, she shouldn't. She's
putting so much emphasis on politics. And that's where maybe
I my eyebrows went up in that she's saying politics.
But if you've been together forty five years, built a life,
and have kids, political differences after forty five years are
(03:31):
not the problem in your marriage.
Speaker 2 (03:33):
It seems that I would absolutely agree with you. You could
get into a heated argument over which way to drive
the car, which way to get to the grocery store.
I mean, there are plenty of things that seem small
that can become huge because the bigger issue is the
fact that you lack respect for one another, and that,
to me is my best guess that that's what's going on.
And then you have to kind of dig deeper and
(03:54):
ask why you feel that way. I think part of
my advice was to ask for her to ask herself
why she's so triggered by what he's saying to her.
Why is he so triggered? He needs to ask himself
why he's so triggered by what she's saying to him.
And I think that you can't change with the other
person thinks Sarah feels or believes, But you can ask
(04:16):
yourself why you are so personally upset or maybe even
why you feel attacked because your partner doesn't think or
believe the same things you do.
Speaker 1 (04:27):
Okay, but there is this question and indictment on their
relationship or is it more so another snapshot of just
how divisive our politics have gotten in this country, so
bad that it's even causing problems in marriages. Seriously, I'm
asking seriously in that is this problem really in that
(04:47):
marriage or is this really just a typical sign we
talk about all the time. You say your family, you'll
have things that are off limits other families. When I
go to talk about politics, you get heated. So which
is it?
Speaker 2 (05:00):
It'd be a little bit of both, babe, because I
think a lot of people say we aren't dealing with
Republicans versus Democrats. A lot of this could be Trump related,
Maga related, extreme feelings or beliefs that are on either
side of the spectrum. I imagine if they're closer, even
you could be a liberal and you could be a
conservative and you could still find middle ground. I mean,
(05:21):
obviously we see that happen in the halls of Congress.
But maybe he's far to the right and maybe she's
far to the left, and maybe that is too much.
Speaker 1 (05:27):
What shouldn't I say? So what to that? If this
is the person I've spent forty five years with, I'm
just saying what comes between that? You really telling me
that all of a sudden, the political candidates have made
you feel so strongly in your position that you no
longer can stand this woman.
Speaker 2 (05:44):
It's hard to believe that that has to be what
I mean, it's very hard to believe. I could see
how it could add a strain to something that's already Yes,
I don't want to say broken, but certainly stretched toothin
where it's very delicate. You're already dealing with years and
years of issues, and then this could be the final
nail in the coffin. I could see how that could
(06:05):
be the final strain. Or it's just now too much.
But you're right, there has to be something else in
those four decades, something else had to have. If they
had a strong support system, they wouldn't This wouldn't be
the hill that they die on.
Speaker 1 (06:19):
This couldn't be. It just couldn't be. And we're going
to get into some of the comments we've gott and
got thousands of them from fellow readers of that column.
But this I am curious on this one because so
many people are really quick and some of the previous
questions to just be dismissive and say, nope, you need
(06:40):
to drop them, Nope, y'all need to break up. But nope,
this one just seems like you read through all the comments,
did you see a lot of people having quick, snap
yes answers to this. Well was what.
Speaker 2 (06:52):
Interesting to me is the folks who who chimed in,
and again a lot of folks did. They kind of
surprised me. Many people who wrote in and said that
they wouldn't be able to be with someone who voted
for a certain candidate, and they actually were supportive of
her leaving him. They were trying to guess who had
(07:13):
voted for whom or who was on which side of
the political aisle. And then people came out strongly saying
there's no way a marriage can survive that, And I
just thought that was so surprising.
Speaker 1 (07:24):
And upsetting that we are actually again, I didn't read
through all of them. You had a sense of which
direction it was going. But the idea that there is
a I don't know, fairly significant just anecdotal here, because
of what we have that there is a significant portion
of the population that feels more passionately about politics than
(07:44):
they do about marriage and relationships. That politics is number
one somewhere on that list. Now, that's one thing. If
you meet somebody and you just start dating and you
find out about their politics, like, I don't want to
continue with you. But if you with somebody for forty
five years and the response from people is still yep,
forty five years don't matter if it's politics, none of that.
(08:06):
That seems it's wild to me.
Speaker 2 (08:07):
And look, how many people listening here today. You might
not be in a relationship where your partner thinks differently
than you. But how about if your children have different
political viewpoints, you're gonna just erase them out of your life,
You're just gonna cut them off. What about your parents?
What about your aunts and nuncles, people who you love,
who you grew up with, who you supported. You can't
(08:28):
tell me that. So many people listening right now don't
have folks in their own families who they love and respect,
who voted differently, who think differently, who have different reasons
why they believe what they believe. And yes, I have
made decisions not to speak of politics or religion with
a lot of people who I love, and guess what,
life has gotten a lot better because of it.
Speaker 1 (08:49):
Give me that what if? Then? So what if this
scenario had to do with a mother and her daughter
with a son and his dad, would this come off?
Would people still be so quick to say, yeah, you
got to cut your dad off, Yeah you got to
cut your mom off. Or does it come across differently
when it's that type of family unit versus this is
(09:12):
still family. This is a married couple of forty five years.
They're more family than most of the family I got
at this point. Would that change the equation?
Speaker 2 (09:21):
It's hard to say, but yes, I do believe that
this was more about that romantic love. You can fall
out of love with somebody because you don't respect them
or you lost respect for what they think, feel, say
do versus if it's someone who yes, your parents or
your children, that's blood and you can't.
Speaker 1 (09:38):
Yeah, it's easier, I can cut this.
Speaker 2 (09:40):
I think that's what it is, isn't that. I know.
I was really discouraged ToJ I was really discouraged when
I read some of these comments because people were so
quick to say, basically, move on and find someone who
thinks just like you do and then everything will be okay,
which is insane and of course not true.
Speaker 1 (09:55):
Okay, Well, can I see some of these now? Can you?
What do you got to go? And again I always
ask you said, it's usually men commenting. What was it
this time?
Speaker 2 (10:05):
If there were more women who were weighing on this line?
But there definitely still were more men. But we'll start
with the woman. This comes from Martha. Martha had this comment,
when it comes to politics and religion, you aren't actually
talking about politics and religion. You're talking about values. It's
next to impossible to build a solid relationship when you
have such dramatically differing values. If you can't talk about
(10:29):
those things with your primary partner, you don't have a partner,
You have a roommate. My issue with Martha is that
she is assigning what someone thinks to a value and
then judging someone if they don't have the same values
as her, that there are moral corruptions here, that that's
to be assumed. And I don't think that's a fair assumption.
Speaker 1 (10:54):
I see with you. Oh well, at least my first
part with that was, again, we're talking about a couple
here who's been together forty five years already, You already
should have a full understanding of that person's values. And
you all have shared values because you built a home,
you built a family, you got kids and all these things.
I get what she's saying about. It is religion, Okay.
(11:15):
Simply put, if someone is religious, someone isn't religious. The
religious person not too far from saying, well, believe they
have a better set of values. I don't even think
they would say different set of values, but they would
say theirs are better that theirs are the one that
the non religious person should be following. So in a
(11:36):
couple in a relationship, that's one thing if we just met,
But how do you apply that robes the argument she's
making to a couple that's been together for forty five years,
all of a sudden, our values are no longer in
line because of political candidates.
Speaker 2 (11:51):
It seems difficult to imagine. And I don't know what
Martha said, it's impossible to build a solid relifship. Well,
we can assume they've already built a relationship. We don't
know how solid it was, So that's where we don't know.
We don't have the information about how flimsy or how
solid it was.
Speaker 1 (12:10):
Twenty five years. I am actually assigning them like a
good rating in terms of a relationship that's been there.
Forty five years of marriage is not something that you
throw away because a political candidate gets one of you
fired up. That's embarrassing if you're saying that's the reason.
So let's step back, please and look at this, and
(12:30):
we have to recognize that's actually not the reason our marriage.
Speaker 2 (12:34):
Is can't be I'm asking you this, babe. If you
and I and we don't think exactly the same on
all issues. But if we voted for different candidates or
we had very different political beliefs, do you think it
would be healthy in our marriage or our relationship would
still be okay if we chose not to talk about it.
I mean, I think that's what you're saying. If you
can't talk about certain things, then you don't really have
(12:56):
a relationship with a partner. If I can't talk to
you about politics, I agree.
Speaker 1 (13:01):
I think what it put whatever thing in there, You
and your partner have to be able to talk about everything.
If a subject is off limits because what I get
too worked up, or we just get into a fight.
You know, a subject causes you to fight, so going
into that subject you still can't keep yourself from fighting.
That's I don't buy it.
Speaker 2 (13:22):
I hear you, I hear you, all right. I want
to hear what Kenneth had to say.
Speaker 1 (13:25):
Oh, talk to me, Kennedy.
Speaker 2 (13:26):
Kenneth said, if politics is the strain on a marriage,
then you should go separate ways. There can't be any love, affection,
or respect left in a marriage like that. Basically, I
get it. He's saying. If you guys can't even have
a conversation about politics without getting into some horrible fight
where you're now thinking about ending your marriage. You don't
have a marriage, and.
Speaker 1 (13:47):
You shouldn't be considering ending your marriage because of political candidates.
You're really telling me that Joe Biden and Donald Trump
got one of the two of you so worked up
that you know now realize that the person you've been
with for forty five years you can no longer be with,
no nom that something else is going on.
Speaker 2 (14:11):
All right, Sandy says this, I could not stay with
a partner whose values are so different from mine. To me,
this is what makes a person who and what I like.
I actually I am having heart time reading to me,
this is what makes a person who and what a
person they are. I have to step lightly around my
(14:33):
family because we are not on the same page politically,
but I don't live with them, and we don't have
that deep connection that a spouse has. I would not
want to live like that with my spouse. To me,
it would be like living with an abuser, always walking
on eggshells, always watching what you say. That was a
little extreme, but I think the consensus is if you
(14:55):
can't have a conversation about something, then you don't really
have a relationship. With fighting for Where has the.
Speaker 1 (15:05):
Word values has come up a couple of times? Did
it come up in that one too?
Speaker 2 (15:09):
It did? Yes, she said I could not stay with
the partner whose values are so different from mine.
Speaker 1 (15:16):
Values are so different. This is where we should be
careful always. People can have different values, but if they do,
we shouldn't assign that person being evil now because they
don't share my values. That is where we get into trouble. Sometimes,
even on something as simple as abortion rights. That person's
for it, that person's against it. Doesn't mean either one
(15:37):
of those people are evil. They don't share the same values,
but one isn't better than another. If you're in your
marriage and you're looking at another person and thinks they
are you think they are not as morally sound, if
they are in some way less than you when it
comes to values, then.
Speaker 2 (15:55):
That's a wrap exactly. Because if you're talking about you
mentioned abortion rights, but it could be immigration, it could
be the war in Gaza and supporting Israel or Palestine.
I mean, there are plenty of sides that people can feel.
Their side is the valuable side, their side is the
correct side, their side is the morally sound side. But yes,
(16:18):
that means then you have to assign to the other
side all of the opposites, and therefore you don't respect
the other person. And so yes, if you're if you
are assigning not only are your values different, but they're correct,
it means the other person's values are incorrect. And that
is where the problem.
Speaker 1 (16:34):
You don't leave open the possibility that there is another way.
You don't leave open the possibility that you are wrong.
You don't leave over the possibility the way you see
it as just one of many options. I really want
to talk We've had several. Laurie is one I really
want to talk to. I really want to talk to Laurie.
(16:55):
We got a few more comments here, but the next
two we're gonna let you hear. One person just out says,
get a divorce. The other says you're making a mistake
in the value you're assigning to your partner. And they're saying, Laurie,
this is all on you.
Speaker 2 (17:14):
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(17:37):
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(18:00):
Head to tonaactive dot com and use code iHeart for
twenty percent off and free shipping. And welcome back to
this edition of Amy and TJ. This is our Ask
Amy and TJ podcast. It does, of course, our podcast
(18:23):
based on our Yahoo relationship advice column. You can find
it on Yahoo in the Life section. Every Monday, there
is a new question from a reader and they have
been so thought provoking. This week's certainly is one that
had a lot of you responding to because this is
a woman who says she's been with her husband for
nearly forty five years and politics. Politics is the reason
(18:47):
why now she is considering getting a divorce. She doesn't
know if her marriage can make it through this political
divide our country is experiencing, and now this particular couple
is experiencing. And we have had several comments that we've
been reading on the podcast, and a lot of them
really surprised me. I was shocked by so many of
you who wrote in and said this isn't going to work.
(19:10):
And I guess I started approaching this thinking, how could
it not work? Just talk differently, talk better, talk with respect.
But perhaps that is the issue in and of itself.
Speaker 1 (19:21):
Yeah, it's it's probably not politics. It's not about we
can't talk about politics and be respectful. No, you can't
talk and be respectful. Damn the subject. It doesn't matter.
You're sitting across from the person you love forty five
years of marriage. You gotta I'm not saying you're going
to get it right every time, and mistakes are made
and fights happening with every couple. That's not the suggestion,
but over time, over forty five years, you should really
(19:42):
sit down and look at each other and go really,
forty five years, we were really about to do this
over politics. If the answer from the other person is
anything other than you're right, we have to do better,
then it's probably over.
Speaker 2 (19:54):
Yeah, you're right. I mean maybe that is the best advice,
sitting down face to face and just actually ask one other,
is this why we're so angry at each other? Why
are we actually so angry at each other? You think
maybe all those years there has been a lot of
pushed down resentments and it comes up in unexpected ways,
and maybe now in a very expected way, in a
very specific conversation. But it might just be all this
(20:17):
anger and resentment you've pushed down for the past four
decades that needs to come out.
Speaker 1 (20:23):
Okay, she doesn't have apollo. This is a relationship. This
isn't a politics. I think this is a relationship issue.
Speaker 2 (20:29):
Isn't it Funny though we all want to point to something. Aha,
that's the reason why. That's it, that's it, that's it.
He did this or he said this, and that's why
we have a problem. And very often we don't look
inward and ask ourselves why we have our problem and
how we can fix it. So this, uh, this comment came.
I actually there's usually a name. I just have a
(20:50):
bunch of numbers one zero, one two, one six, two
zero two eight four one zero commented this when she asked,
can her relationship be saved? He said, not really. Politics
these days seems to make the other side less than
human and evil as well as ignorant and unintelligent. No
marriage can survive spouse's thinking of the other in this way,
(21:13):
get a divorce.
Speaker 1 (21:14):
I agree with that. If you are viewing each other
the way people on both sides of the aisle or
on Twitter view each other, then yeah, because the way
they with the disdain that we sometimes engage in politics
and discourse, if that's going on in the house, that's impossible.
Speaker 2 (21:35):
It's no way to live for sure. And again, I
just think if Laurie had the ability with her husband
to actually go underneath and go beneath the conversation of
politics and really get to the heart of the disrespect
and the lack of all of that. You know, and
I've said this before, but we always talk about love
when it comes to marriage, how much we love each other.
(21:56):
But I want to know how much they like each other.
And it sounds like they don't like each other that much.
And that's sad and perhaps the real problem and the
real issue, and it might extend beyond politics.
Speaker 1 (22:06):
Crazy. I love is easy. We talk about this all
the time. Do you like that person? Do you like
to have a meal? Do you like to go to
a movie? Because it's pretty much all life and relationships
turns out to be. We're gonna watch Netflix, We're gonna
eat a few meals together. Every once in a while,
we'll go see a new movie. If you don't like
doing those things with who you're with, everybody listening to us,
(22:27):
it's time I ask some questions.
Speaker 2 (22:29):
It's something that I never considered before, which is insane
to me. And I've actually said the opposite, I don't
like you to the person I am with, And then
why that didn't strike me as Holy hell, get out
of that relationship right now. It's not gonna get better.
If you don't like someone, it's probably not gonna get better.
Speaker 1 (22:48):
Yeah, Laurie, and we would ask, say, Laurie, ask yourself
that we didn't. I don't think we put that in there.
We didn't know, but that's very simple. Do you like
your husband? Man? For everybody listening right now, the person
you're with, do you like like genuinely get excited. Ah,
it's a meal tonight. It's gonna be fun. We get
to go blank Ah, this new horror movie coming out.
(23:08):
Can't wait, can't wait to go with whom you know?
Speaker 2 (23:13):
I've actually had this question throughout my life where I've been,
maybe on a work assignment, I find myself in a
beautiful place. Who would you like to have standing next
to you taking in the view.
Speaker 1 (23:24):
That's a better one, that's even better than the meal.
Would you rather stand here alone? Do you want the
dog with you? Do you want your best friend? But
do you actually want the person you're married to standing
next to you?
Speaker 2 (23:36):
That's a question that if you ask yourself, you will
have an immediate response. It'll be within you. You won't
even have to think about it. It'll be a feeling,
and you will know.
Speaker 1 (23:45):
This last was a long one? Was this? Yeah?
Speaker 2 (23:46):
This one's good though. Okay, this comes from Sky, So
I don't know if it's a man or a woman,
but we'll go with her, just so I can have
a pronoun. Sky says beliefs are just that beliefs. They
can and do evolve and change the problem is that
people make their beliefs and opinions into a part of
their personal identities instead of seeing them for what they are.
(24:11):
In a relationship, That means each person starts to defend
not their side of their argument, but their own self,
and it becomes personal and potentially explosive and nasty. Keeping
a sense of humor about ourselves helps a lot, as
well as keeping a sense of humor. In general, none
(24:31):
of us really knows what's going on or how things
will change, or even how ourselves will change. Value you
partner with your whole self, not your opinions. So much.
Damn that was good. This was sky sky. I actually
got chills reading that. Not to be too much, but
that really she couldn't I couldn't have said it better.
(24:54):
I think she nailed it.
Speaker 1 (24:56):
We need more like that, needs to that idea. If
you just heard that, please spread it, Think about it,
and spread it. This idea that we are looking at
people's opinions as who they are, it's their identity. So therefore,
if I disagree with your opinion, you take that as
(25:16):
I am fully rejecting you as a person. That does
not work because if you do it that way, obviously
I'm going to get offended. Wait, you don't like that,
I voted this way. This is my identity, so you
have a problem with me and who I am. And oh,
now this starts a whole new debate.
Speaker 2 (25:35):
And I love that Sky pointed this out because she
Laurie said this in her question to us, that they
used to be affiliated to the same party and over
years their ideas, their beliefs have evolved have changed. Yes,
your beliefs do change with more wisdom, more experience, more
things at stake, more things that different things that matter
to you at different stages of your life. But that
(25:56):
sense of you know, think about when you get behind
the wheel and someone honks at you or someone cuts
you off, we take it personally that is happening to us.
It is something that that person did to our personal selves,
our identities, our egos, instead of they're just in a
hurry and maybe they didn't look or maybe they were
(26:16):
just rash or rude or whatever, but it had nothing
to do with you. But we all take things so personally.
Speaker 1 (26:23):
If they're doing it in their relationship Laurie and this
and their husband's that's I hope not and let that be.
And again we gave our advice on the column, but
some very good advice always does come from the readers
as well, a lot of it that we didn't think
of and that we absolutely support, and I think this
is a very good one. Can you just stop, Laurie.
(26:43):
Are you looking at him and is he looking at you?
Are you being offended that he doesn't agree with your opinion,
because all of a sudden he's rejecting you his wife.
You just have a different opinion, a new opinion. We
make it sound simple. It might be hard to execute,
but what you have to do is fairly simple. It's
hard to do. I'm not saying that, but it's you
(27:04):
know what you have to do.
Speaker 2 (27:07):
You think they're gonna stay together.
Speaker 1 (27:10):
I hope so, because forty five years is of value
and it shouldn't be thrown away. I don't want their
marriage to be now collateral damage. In a nation divided,
we're losing a lot out on the streets. We're losing
(27:30):
I mean, you could even argue about friendships being lost,
lives being lost in some of the debates, in the
battles going on having to do with politics. We are
losing so much. Do we have to have it cost
us a forty five year marriage as well?
Speaker 2 (27:45):
I pray it doesn't I agree, And you know what,
I one last thing I would like to say, and
I have to remind myself of this as well. When
there are issues and disagreements, even between you and me, babe,
or me and my daughters or whomever, instead of getting offended,
get curious. Instead of thinking how could he or how
could they think that? Ask why? And when you start
(28:08):
asking questions to understand versus looking at it from your
perspective of defending your position or insisting that you're right,
if you can actually just get curious instead of angry,
that's a game changer. And so maybe Laurie and her
husband can do that as well, and maybe they can
find actually an even deeper connection when they realize that
they actually can think differently and still like and love
(28:30):
one another.
Speaker 1 (28:31):
We don't know from this in we've only got the
information we have to go with, but just from our
reading of it, I think we both agree something else
possibly is going on forty five years of marriage. It
is worth your time and your effort to see if
you can figure this out.
Speaker 2 (28:47):
So Laurie, we wish you well and listeners, thank you
for listening to us, and please feel free to go
onto the Yahoo Life section and put your comments in.
We always appreciate hearing from you, but we really appreciate
you listening to us. I'm Amy Roebach alongside my partner
t J. Holmes. Have hope you all have a great
day to day
Hey, the folks, it is Tuesday, August fifth, and Laurie
wrote into us and she needs our help and she
like your help as well. You see, she has an
issue in her marriage, her forty five year marriage. She
thinks it could be broken and can't be fixed. What
could possibly be the issue? Would you believe it's politics?
(00:25):
My initial advice to her, I bet there's something more
wrong than just politics. Robes initial reaction to her is,
y'all ain't talking right. And with that, welcome to this
relationship edition of Amy and TJ, where we tackle Robes.
The question that came to us on our weekly Yahoo
column dealing with relationships in forty five years? Really politics? Nah,
(00:51):
that's probably not it.
Speaker 2 (00:52):
It can't be. You know, I've always believed that you
can talk about anything and you can have differences as
long as there's mutual respect. So my hunch was that
there's an issue with trust and respect between the two,
because if you have those two things together, it seems
like you can work through differences of opinions. Now, it's interesting,
(01:15):
we'll get into our reader's comments, but a lot of
folks feel like these days politics isn't politics, its values,
it's morals. It's gotten to a place where it's beyond
what you think about the issues and more about how
you treat other people. And if that's the case, they
say this could be a much more significant situation, then
(01:37):
maybe even I was giving it credit for being all.
Speaker 1 (01:40):
Right, we'll give you the full breakdown here, But Lauria
wrote in against talking about her forty five year marriage
and she thinks they're possibly in trouble because of politics. Now,
we gave the summary there at the top, but this
is what Laurie wrote into us fully. Here is her
description of the issue.
Speaker 2 (01:56):
Amy and TJ after nearly forty five years together. The
most significant strain on my marriage is politics. My husband
and I used to share the same party, but in
recent years we found ourselves at polar opposite ends of
the spectrum. The divide has led to frequent and heated arguments.
We've tried avoiding political discussions entirely to protect our relationship,
(02:20):
but it inevitably comes up, especially when we talk about finances,
our children, or plans for the future. So how can
we create healthy boundaries that allow us to navigate difficult
conversations without damaging our marriage?
Speaker 1 (02:35):
Laurie, what was the last part of the question, how can.
Speaker 2 (02:39):
We what create healthy boundaries that allow us to navigate
difficult conversations without damaging our marriage.
Speaker 1 (02:47):
I take politics out of this entire equation and just
go with that question. That's a question you should ask
not just about politics in your relationship, but everything you
do in your relationship. You should create boundaries and navigate
in a certain way that you are being respectful of
the other person. You should do that already in your marriage.
Politics shouldn't make a difference. It shouldn't matter the subject matter.
(03:09):
It could be freaking the Chicago Bears, for gotta sake
and the Vikings. Who cares. I mean, she shouldn't. She's
putting so much emphasis on politics. And that's where maybe
I my eyebrows went up in that she's saying politics.
But if you've been together forty five years, built a life,
and have kids, political differences after forty five years are
(03:31):
not the problem in your marriage.
Speaker 2 (03:33):
It seems that I would absolutely agree with you. You could
get into a heated argument over which way to drive
the car, which way to get to the grocery store.
I mean, there are plenty of things that seem small
that can become huge because the bigger issue is the
fact that you lack respect for one another, and that,
to me is my best guess that that's what's going on.
And then you have to kind of dig deeper and
(03:54):
ask why you feel that way. I think part of
my advice was to ask for her to ask herself
why she's so triggered by what he's saying to her.
Why is he so triggered? He needs to ask himself
why he's so triggered by what she's saying to him.
And I think that you can't change with the other
person thinks Sarah feels or believes, But you can ask
(04:16):
yourself why you are so personally upset or maybe even
why you feel attacked because your partner doesn't think or
believe the same things you do.
Speaker 1 (04:27):
Okay, but there is this question and indictment on their
relationship or is it more so another snapshot of just
how divisive our politics have gotten in this country, so
bad that it's even causing problems in marriages. Seriously, I'm
asking seriously in that is this problem really in that
(04:47):
marriage or is this really just a typical sign we
talk about all the time. You say your family, you'll
have things that are off limits other families. When I
go to talk about politics, you get heated. So which
is it?
Speaker 2 (05:00):
It'd be a little bit of both, babe, because I
think a lot of people say we aren't dealing with
Republicans versus Democrats. A lot of this could be Trump related,
Maga related, extreme feelings or beliefs that are on either
side of the spectrum. I imagine if they're closer, even
you could be a liberal and you could be a
conservative and you could still find middle ground. I mean,
(05:21):
obviously we see that happen in the halls of Congress.
But maybe he's far to the right and maybe she's
far to the left, and maybe that is too much.
Speaker 1 (05:27):
What shouldn't I say? So what to that? If this
is the person I've spent forty five years with, I'm
just saying what comes between that? You really telling me
that all of a sudden, the political candidates have made
you feel so strongly in your position that you no
longer can stand this woman.
Speaker 2 (05:44):
It's hard to believe that that has to be what
I mean, it's very hard to believe. I could see
how it could add a strain to something that's already Yes,
I don't want to say broken, but certainly stretched toothin
where it's very delicate. You're already dealing with years and
years of issues, and then this could be the final
nail in the coffin. I could see how that could
(06:05):
be the final strain. Or it's just now too much.
But you're right, there has to be something else in
those four decades, something else had to have. If they
had a strong support system, they wouldn't This wouldn't be
the hill that they die on.
Speaker 1 (06:19):
This couldn't be. It just couldn't be. And we're going
to get into some of the comments we've gott and
got thousands of them from fellow readers of that column.
But this I am curious on this one because so
many people are really quick and some of the previous
questions to just be dismissive and say, nope, you need
(06:40):
to drop them, Nope, y'all need to break up. But nope,
this one just seems like you read through all the comments,
did you see a lot of people having quick, snap
yes answers to this. Well was what.
Speaker 2 (06:52):
Interesting to me is the folks who who chimed in,
and again a lot of folks did. They kind of
surprised me. Many people who wrote in and said that
they wouldn't be able to be with someone who voted
for a certain candidate, and they actually were supportive of
her leaving him. They were trying to guess who had
(07:13):
voted for whom or who was on which side of
the political aisle. And then people came out strongly saying
there's no way a marriage can survive that, And I
just thought that was so surprising.
Speaker 1 (07:24):
And upsetting that we are actually again, I didn't read
through all of them. You had a sense of which
direction it was going. But the idea that there is
a I don't know, fairly significant just anecdotal here, because
of what we have that there is a significant portion
of the population that feels more passionately about politics than
(07:44):
they do about marriage and relationships. That politics is number
one somewhere on that list. Now, that's one thing. If
you meet somebody and you just start dating and you
find out about their politics, like, I don't want to
continue with you. But if you with somebody for forty
five years and the response from people is still yep,
forty five years don't matter if it's politics, none of that.
(08:06):
That seems it's wild to me.
Speaker 2 (08:07):
And look, how many people listening here today. You might
not be in a relationship where your partner thinks differently
than you. But how about if your children have different
political viewpoints, you're gonna just erase them out of your life,
You're just gonna cut them off. What about your parents?
What about your aunts and nuncles, people who you love,
who you grew up with, who you supported. You can't
(08:28):
tell me that. So many people listening right now don't
have folks in their own families who they love and respect,
who voted differently, who think differently, who have different reasons
why they believe what they believe. And yes, I have
made decisions not to speak of politics or religion with
a lot of people who I love, and guess what,
life has gotten a lot better because of it.
Speaker 1 (08:49):
Give me that what if? Then? So what if this
scenario had to do with a mother and her daughter
with a son and his dad, would this come off?
Would people still be so quick to say, yeah, you
got to cut your dad off, Yeah you got to
cut your mom off. Or does it come across differently
when it's that type of family unit versus this is
(09:12):
still family. This is a married couple of forty five years.
They're more family than most of the family I got
at this point. Would that change the equation?
Speaker 2 (09:21):
It's hard to say, but yes, I do believe that
this was more about that romantic love. You can fall
out of love with somebody because you don't respect them
or you lost respect for what they think, feel, say
do versus if it's someone who yes, your parents or
your children, that's blood and you can't.
Speaker 1 (09:38):
Yeah, it's easier, I can cut this.
Speaker 2 (09:40):
I think that's what it is, isn't that. I know.
I was really discouraged ToJ I was really discouraged when
I read some of these comments because people were so
quick to say, basically, move on and find someone who
thinks just like you do and then everything will be okay,
which is insane and of course not true.
Speaker 1 (09:55):
Okay, Well, can I see some of these now? Can you?
What do you got to go? And again I always
ask you said, it's usually men commenting. What was it
this time?
Speaker 2 (10:05):
If there were more women who were weighing on this line?
But there definitely still were more men. But we'll start
with the woman. This comes from Martha. Martha had this comment,
when it comes to politics and religion, you aren't actually
talking about politics and religion. You're talking about values. It's
next to impossible to build a solid relationship when you
have such dramatically differing values. If you can't talk about
(10:29):
those things with your primary partner, you don't have a partner,
You have a roommate. My issue with Martha is that
she is assigning what someone thinks to a value and
then judging someone if they don't have the same values
as her, that there are moral corruptions here, that that's
to be assumed. And I don't think that's a fair assumption.
Speaker 1 (10:54):
I see with you. Oh well, at least my first
part with that was, again, we're talking about a couple
here who's been together forty five years already, You already
should have a full understanding of that person's values. And
you all have shared values because you built a home,
you built a family, you got kids and all these things.
I get what she's saying about. It is religion, Okay.
(11:15):
Simply put, if someone is religious, someone isn't religious. The
religious person not too far from saying, well, believe they
have a better set of values. I don't even think
they would say different set of values, but they would
say theirs are better that theirs are the one that
the non religious person should be following. So in a
(11:36):
couple in a relationship, that's one thing if we just met,
But how do you apply that robes the argument she's
making to a couple that's been together for forty five years,
all of a sudden, our values are no longer in
line because of political candidates.
Speaker 2 (11:51):
It seems difficult to imagine. And I don't know what
Martha said, it's impossible to build a solid relifship. Well,
we can assume they've already built a relationship. We don't
know how solid it was, So that's where we don't know.
We don't have the information about how flimsy or how
solid it was.
Speaker 1 (12:10):
Twenty five years. I am actually assigning them like a
good rating in terms of a relationship that's been there.
Forty five years of marriage is not something that you
throw away because a political candidate gets one of you
fired up. That's embarrassing if you're saying that's the reason.
So let's step back, please and look at this, and
(12:30):
we have to recognize that's actually not the reason our marriage.
Speaker 2 (12:34):
Is can't be I'm asking you this, babe. If you
and I and we don't think exactly the same on
all issues. But if we voted for different candidates or
we had very different political beliefs, do you think it
would be healthy in our marriage or our relationship would
still be okay if we chose not to talk about it.
I mean, I think that's what you're saying. If you
can't talk about certain things, then you don't really have
(12:56):
a relationship with a partner. If I can't talk to
you about politics, I agree.
Speaker 1 (13:01):
I think what it put whatever thing in there, You
and your partner have to be able to talk about everything.
If a subject is off limits because what I get
too worked up, or we just get into a fight.
You know, a subject causes you to fight, so going
into that subject you still can't keep yourself from fighting.
That's I don't buy it.
Speaker 2 (13:22):
I hear you, I hear you, all right. I want
to hear what Kenneth had to say.
Speaker 1 (13:25):
Oh, talk to me, Kennedy.
Speaker 2 (13:26):
Kenneth said, if politics is the strain on a marriage,
then you should go separate ways. There can't be any love, affection,
or respect left in a marriage like that. Basically, I
get it. He's saying. If you guys can't even have
a conversation about politics without getting into some horrible fight
where you're now thinking about ending your marriage. You don't
have a marriage, and.
Speaker 1 (13:47):
You shouldn't be considering ending your marriage because of political candidates.
You're really telling me that Joe Biden and Donald Trump
got one of the two of you so worked up
that you know now realize that the person you've been
with for forty five years you can no longer be with,
no nom that something else is going on.
Speaker 2 (14:11):
All right, Sandy says this, I could not stay with
a partner whose values are so different from mine. To me,
this is what makes a person who and what I like.
I actually I am having heart time reading to me,
this is what makes a person who and what a
person they are. I have to step lightly around my
(14:33):
family because we are not on the same page politically,
but I don't live with them, and we don't have
that deep connection that a spouse has. I would not
want to live like that with my spouse. To me,
it would be like living with an abuser, always walking
on eggshells, always watching what you say. That was a
little extreme, but I think the consensus is if you
(14:55):
can't have a conversation about something, then you don't really
have a relationship. With fighting for Where has the.
Speaker 1 (15:05):
Word values has come up a couple of times? Did
it come up in that one too?
Speaker 2 (15:09):
It did? Yes, she said I could not stay with
the partner whose values are so different from mine.
Speaker 1 (15:16):
Values are so different. This is where we should be
careful always. People can have different values, but if they do,
we shouldn't assign that person being evil now because they
don't share my values. That is where we get into trouble. Sometimes,
even on something as simple as abortion rights. That person's
for it, that person's against it. Doesn't mean either one
(15:37):
of those people are evil. They don't share the same values,
but one isn't better than another. If you're in your
marriage and you're looking at another person and thinks they
are you think they are not as morally sound, if
they are in some way less than you when it
comes to values, then.
Speaker 2 (15:55):
That's a wrap exactly. Because if you're talking about you
mentioned abortion rights, but it could be immigration, it could
be the war in Gaza and supporting Israel or Palestine.
I mean, there are plenty of sides that people can feel.
Their side is the valuable side, their side is the
correct side, their side is the morally sound side. But yes,
(16:18):
that means then you have to assign to the other
side all of the opposites, and therefore you don't respect
the other person. And so yes, if you're if you
are assigning not only are your values different, but they're correct,
it means the other person's values are incorrect. And that
is where the problem.
Speaker 1 (16:34):
You don't leave open the possibility that there is another way.
You don't leave open the possibility that you are wrong.
You don't leave over the possibility the way you see
it as just one of many options. I really want
to talk We've had several. Laurie is one I really
want to talk to. I really want to talk to Laurie.
(16:55):
We got a few more comments here, but the next
two we're gonna let you hear. One person just out says,
get a divorce. The other says you're making a mistake
in the value you're assigning to your partner. And they're saying, Laurie,
this is all on you.
Speaker 2 (17:14):
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(17:37):
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(18:00):
Head to tonaactive dot com and use code iHeart for
twenty percent off and free shipping. And welcome back to
this edition of Amy and TJ. This is our Ask
Amy and TJ podcast. It does, of course, our podcast
(18:23):
based on our Yahoo relationship advice column. You can find
it on Yahoo in the Life section. Every Monday, there
is a new question from a reader and they have
been so thought provoking. This week's certainly is one that
had a lot of you responding to because this is
a woman who says she's been with her husband for
nearly forty five years and politics. Politics is the reason
(18:47):
why now she is considering getting a divorce. She doesn't
know if her marriage can make it through this political
divide our country is experiencing, and now this particular couple
is experiencing. And we have had several comments that we've
been reading on the podcast, and a lot of them
really surprised me. I was shocked by so many of
you who wrote in and said this isn't going to work.
(19:10):
And I guess I started approaching this thinking, how could
it not work? Just talk differently, talk better, talk with respect.
But perhaps that is the issue in and of itself.
Speaker 1 (19:21):
Yeah, it's it's probably not politics. It's not about we
can't talk about politics and be respectful. No, you can't
talk and be respectful. Damn the subject. It doesn't matter.
You're sitting across from the person you love forty five
years of marriage. You gotta I'm not saying you're going
to get it right every time, and mistakes are made
and fights happening with every couple. That's not the suggestion,
but over time, over forty five years, you should really
(19:42):
sit down and look at each other and go really,
forty five years, we were really about to do this
over politics. If the answer from the other person is
anything other than you're right, we have to do better,
then it's probably over.
Speaker 2 (19:54):
Yeah, you're right. I mean maybe that is the best advice,
sitting down face to face and just actually ask one other,
is this why we're so angry at each other? Why
are we actually so angry at each other? You think
maybe all those years there has been a lot of
pushed down resentments and it comes up in unexpected ways,
and maybe now in a very expected way, in a
very specific conversation. But it might just be all this
(20:17):
anger and resentment you've pushed down for the past four
decades that needs to come out.
Speaker 1 (20:23):
Okay, she doesn't have apollo. This is a relationship. This
isn't a politics. I think this is a relationship issue.
Speaker 2 (20:29):
Isn't it Funny though we all want to point to something. Aha,
that's the reason why. That's it, that's it, that's it.
He did this or he said this, and that's why
we have a problem. And very often we don't look
inward and ask ourselves why we have our problem and
how we can fix it. So this, uh, this comment came.
I actually there's usually a name. I just have a
(20:50):
bunch of numbers one zero, one two, one six, two
zero two eight four one zero commented this when she asked,
can her relationship be saved? He said, not really. Politics
these days seems to make the other side less than
human and evil as well as ignorant and unintelligent. No
marriage can survive spouse's thinking of the other in this way,
(21:13):
get a divorce.
Speaker 1 (21:14):
I agree with that. If you are viewing each other
the way people on both sides of the aisle or
on Twitter view each other, then yeah, because the way
they with the disdain that we sometimes engage in politics
and discourse, if that's going on in the house, that's impossible.
Speaker 2 (21:35):
It's no way to live for sure. And again, I
just think if Laurie had the ability with her husband
to actually go underneath and go beneath the conversation of
politics and really get to the heart of the disrespect
and the lack of all of that. You know, and
I've said this before, but we always talk about love
when it comes to marriage, how much we love each other.
(21:56):
But I want to know how much they like each other.
And it sounds like they don't like each other that much.
And that's sad and perhaps the real problem and the
real issue, and it might extend beyond politics.
Speaker 1 (22:06):
Crazy. I love is easy. We talk about this all
the time. Do you like that person? Do you like
to have a meal? Do you like to go to
a movie? Because it's pretty much all life and relationships
turns out to be. We're gonna watch Netflix, We're gonna
eat a few meals together. Every once in a while,
we'll go see a new movie. If you don't like
doing those things with who you're with, everybody listening to us,
(22:27):
it's time I ask some questions.
Speaker 2 (22:29):
It's something that I never considered before, which is insane
to me. And I've actually said the opposite, I don't
like you to the person I am with, And then
why that didn't strike me as Holy hell, get out
of that relationship right now. It's not gonna get better.
If you don't like someone, it's probably not gonna get better.
Speaker 1 (22:48):
Yeah, Laurie, and we would ask, say, Laurie, ask yourself
that we didn't. I don't think we put that in there.
We didn't know, but that's very simple. Do you like
your husband? Man? For everybody listening right now, the person
you're with, do you like like genuinely get excited. Ah,
it's a meal tonight. It's gonna be fun. We get
to go blank Ah, this new horror movie coming out.
(23:08):
Can't wait, can't wait to go with whom you know?
Speaker 2 (23:13):
I've actually had this question throughout my life where I've been,
maybe on a work assignment, I find myself in a
beautiful place. Who would you like to have standing next
to you taking in the view.
Speaker 1 (23:24):
That's a better one, that's even better than the meal.
Would you rather stand here alone? Do you want the
dog with you? Do you want your best friend? But
do you actually want the person you're married to standing
next to you?
Speaker 2 (23:36):
That's a question that if you ask yourself, you will
have an immediate response. It'll be within you. You won't
even have to think about it. It'll be a feeling,
and you will know.
Speaker 1 (23:45):
This last was a long one? Was this? Yeah?
Speaker 2 (23:46):
This one's good though. Okay, this comes from Sky, So
I don't know if it's a man or a woman,
but we'll go with her, just so I can have
a pronoun. Sky says beliefs are just that beliefs. They
can and do evolve and change the problem is that
people make their beliefs and opinions into a part of
their personal identities instead of seeing them for what they are.
(24:11):
In a relationship, That means each person starts to defend
not their side of their argument, but their own self,
and it becomes personal and potentially explosive and nasty. Keeping
a sense of humor about ourselves helps a lot, as
well as keeping a sense of humor. In general, none
(24:31):
of us really knows what's going on or how things
will change, or even how ourselves will change. Value you
partner with your whole self, not your opinions. So much.
Damn that was good. This was sky sky. I actually
got chills reading that. Not to be too much, but
that really she couldn't I couldn't have said it better.
(24:54):
I think she nailed it.
Speaker 1 (24:56):
We need more like that, needs to that idea. If
you just heard that, please spread it, Think about it,
and spread it. This idea that we are looking at
people's opinions as who they are, it's their identity. So therefore,
if I disagree with your opinion, you take that as
(25:16):
I am fully rejecting you as a person. That does
not work because if you do it that way, obviously
I'm going to get offended. Wait, you don't like that,
I voted this way. This is my identity, so you
have a problem with me and who I am. And oh,
now this starts a whole new debate.
Speaker 2 (25:35):
And I love that Sky pointed this out because she
Laurie said this in her question to us, that they
used to be affiliated to the same party and over
years their ideas, their beliefs have evolved have changed. Yes,
your beliefs do change with more wisdom, more experience, more
things at stake, more things that different things that matter
to you at different stages of your life. But that
(25:56):
sense of you know, think about when you get behind
the wheel and someone honks at you or someone cuts
you off, we take it personally that is happening to us.
It is something that that person did to our personal selves,
our identities, our egos, instead of they're just in a
hurry and maybe they didn't look or maybe they were
(26:16):
just rash or rude or whatever, but it had nothing
to do with you. But we all take things so personally.
Speaker 1 (26:23):
If they're doing it in their relationship Laurie and this
and their husband's that's I hope not and let that be.
And again we gave our advice on the column, but
some very good advice always does come from the readers
as well, a lot of it that we didn't think
of and that we absolutely support, and I think this
is a very good one. Can you just stop, Laurie.
(26:43):
Are you looking at him and is he looking at you?
Are you being offended that he doesn't agree with your opinion,
because all of a sudden he's rejecting you his wife.
You just have a different opinion, a new opinion. We
make it sound simple. It might be hard to execute,
but what you have to do is fairly simple. It's
hard to do. I'm not saying that, but it's you
(27:04):
know what you have to do.
Speaker 2 (27:07):
You think they're gonna stay together.
Speaker 1 (27:10):
I hope so, because forty five years is of value
and it shouldn't be thrown away. I don't want their
marriage to be now collateral damage. In a nation divided,
we're losing a lot out on the streets. We're losing
(27:30):
I mean, you could even argue about friendships being lost,
lives being lost in some of the debates, in the
battles going on having to do with politics. We are
losing so much. Do we have to have it cost
us a forty five year marriage as well?
Speaker 2 (27:45):
I pray it doesn't I agree, And you know what,
I one last thing I would like to say, and
I have to remind myself of this as well. When
there are issues and disagreements, even between you and me, babe,
or me and my daughters or whomever, instead of getting offended,
get curious. Instead of thinking how could he or how
could they think that? Ask why? And when you start
(28:08):
asking questions to understand versus looking at it from your
perspective of defending your position or insisting that you're right,
if you can actually just get curious instead of angry,
that's a game changer. And so maybe Laurie and her
husband can do that as well, and maybe they can
find actually an even deeper connection when they realize that
they actually can think differently and still like and love
(28:30):
one another.
Speaker 1 (28:31):
We don't know from this in we've only got the
information we have to go with, but just from our
reading of it, I think we both agree something else
possibly is going on forty five years of marriage. It
is worth your time and your effort to see if
you can figure this out.
Speaker 2 (28:47):
So Laurie, we wish you well and listeners, thank you
for listening to us, and please feel free to go
onto the Yahoo Life section and put your comments in.
We always appreciate hearing from you, but we really appreciate
you listening to us. I'm Amy Roebach alongside my partner
t J. Holmes. Have hope you all have a great
day to day
Hosts And Creators
Amy Robach
T.J. Holmes
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