May 8, 2020 • 43 mins
Clinical Psychologist, Dr Kendell Jasper, and his brother, Kainon Jasper, help provide clarity during these crazy times. They talk about being single in isolation as well as dealing with toxic relationships while in quarantine, and much more. Enjoy!
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
What's up? What's up? It is lip service on Angela. Yee,
I'm stopping in Santiago. I'm Lauria and we have docting
to do here dot to kend go Jasper and Kanan
Jasper are here with that's what's up, guys, just to
get some contexts. These are the people I called during
asking when things are above me, I have to call
(00:22):
these guys to step in. And you know, especially right
now with coronavirus, is a lot of things going on.
A lot of people are at home dealing with things
they've never had to deal with before. You know. Just recently,
I had a woman crawling to the show that's going
through a breakup. Found out her husband had a side
a piece and she was really going through it. So
people are discovering all kinds of things right now, right, Yeah,
(00:44):
And he discovered He's gonna discover some things too, right, Wait,
discover more than that. You're gonna You're gonna discover that.
You know, he ain't the only one. There's always two
sides of the stories. That's why you gotta hear it all.
(01:06):
And sometimes people tell you a lot of things but
that they didn't mention in the first go around and
they caught up in their feelings. It's all hid it.
When you settle them down, the truth really comes out. Wow. Well,
you know, it is a tough time for relationships right now.
We've been hearing that people are in the house with
each other discovering they don't lucky to each other as
much when they have to spend so much time together.
(01:28):
So should people be considering breaking up or is this
something where you know you kind of should wait until
this pandemic is over with all this addage, stress and anxiety. Wow,
well some people shouldn't. Some people really knew they should
have broke up a long time ago, right, So you
know this is just you know, exacerbating the situation that
(01:49):
already existed, right, and it's just making it worse. So,
you know, obviously things are at a stand still. So
the formality of a breakup or divorce or leaving separation, Um,
you know, I can't really go through you can't commit
to something like that. But obviously people have to identify
and decide what kind of relationship we're gonna have moving forward,
(02:12):
right and and hopefully having honest discussion about what type
of relationship we're gonna have moving forward, is this gonna
be uh you know, I'm we're gonna sleep in separate
bedrooms type of situation right on some real you know,
I'm not just gonna say black people ship because because
other people do it too. Real, Yeah, other people do
(02:33):
it too like you know, look, personal disclosure. My mom's
and pops with beaving. My Pop's built the whole sheep
rock wall at one point up stairs. Really talk right now.
They figured it out. You know, it's really talk. So like,
(02:53):
you know, people have to determine. Okay, we need to
set some guidelines about what we're gonna do, especially if
they're children involved like that, children's finances, property, all kinds
of things are involved. How are we gonna manage through
this without us being in here arguing every five seconds,
being very you know, verbally aggressive and potentially physically aggressive
(03:15):
towards each other. I'm sorry, I got to get a
little you know, good energy spreading around here. This ship
is starting to get a little thick. Man talking about
ship that I pops then when he's growing up, you're
giving me bad trauma right now, my bad Kate. But
I will say right now like even for like like
for me, I live alone, and I have family that
(03:35):
lives close to me, and like, um like saying my
mother shall come by, and like I love my mom.
But like even in this space and time, it's like
like you said, and it's like so much like tension,
so much anxiety that like even I get to the
place where I'm like I don't want nobody around me.
But then when you're alone, you're like, damn my mo
(03:55):
by myself. So it is like a confusing time right now,
and then it's still scary because we're losing people and
stuff like that. So like say you are up underneath
somebody twenty four seven, right, what do y'all think is
a good thing? Um, that you could do together to
kind of get through it? Because technically you are going
through the same thing together and it's it may be
(04:17):
something small that's making it tick, you know what I mean?
But is there something that like I don't know if
it's just like sitting there, I'm talking maybe playing a
game or like something that you could kind of like
recommend would be good for something watch some free Porne
of course would say, is that together or separate? Is
the poem watching together? Right? What are we doing? Yeah?
(04:38):
But what's better. Yeah, well but that might that might
turn into an argument too, because she might not like
the poem. You try to watch right right? You like
(04:59):
the Spanish girl else high, you know, you put it
on you and you're watch on your phone. I watching
my phone. I feel like, um, I feel like even
in this time because I was just I was just
with my man, and I feel like in this time,
you just give each other space, like let him go
do his thing in the house and go do your
(05:19):
thing in the house and meet in the middle. Well,
that's considered. That, that's considering if you have space. That
depends on you know, some people may live in a
one bedroom apartment. Some people may live in the studio.
So that's come on here, it's hard, but go ahead,
hold on. The thing is this containment when none of
(05:42):
us are meant for containment. That's a that's a an
adjustment that we all have to make, period, you know
what I mean. So this is gonna definitely be some
some hurdles and some hiccups involved. Institute some patients, a
little more patients. But you do need to separate it. Nope,
body said you can't go outside, right, You can take
(06:04):
a walk you're just not supposed to be interacting with
people and stuff like that. Yeah, But the other the
other part of that that you lose, right, and and
this is whether in a we're in a pandemic or not. Right.
A valuable lesson of this is considering someone other than yourself, right,
engaging in and thought and activities that are somewhat selfless.
(06:26):
Right and it and it originates with the idea that
the physical distancing and the the tracking of who you're
around is of course for yourself, but also considering the
other people who are in your circle. Because I may
be someone who contracts this and maybe asymptomatic. I may
get around someone like a parent or a sibling or
(06:48):
an extended relative who has a pre existing condition who
will respond to this virus in a vastly different way. So,
on the face of it, let's make that a more
general um practice in a time of intense anxiety and
and fear and trepidation for people, consider other people. Well,
(07:11):
I was gonna say, what what if you're okay, let's
just say you're significant other cheats on you, you find
out and he comes back in the house, What should
you do? I would say? Anyway, I would still say
consider him hold on, hold on, hold on? Who said
(07:34):
bad advices? Hey, listen to the worst vices advice? So
I don't do that. I ain't built for that hour.
So I also, however, I think that there is some
consideration given to the activity right now. I'm not saying
be you know, listen, don't be a bo zone. Okay. However,
(07:55):
what you also have to understand is that people's circumstances
are different. Right, So what I advised people to do
number one, Right, here's what people do and they go wrong.
Your spouse, you're significant of that's cheating on you. You
know what you do. You're running. You tell everybody, right,
you call your you calling, you tell your girlfriend. That's
(08:19):
what people do, right. I can't believe. I can't believe
what this this b did to me. Right now, what
you do is you back yourself in the corner. You
don't create space or an opportunity to say, hey, I
may want to work this out. Now I have him
or her around the same people that I just told
that they did me dirty, And now there's some there's
(08:40):
some animosity that's going on or some some tension. Right,
certain things are not for everybody's consumption. It's not everybody's business. No, seriously,
not to interrupt, Like I don't tell my friends when
my man cheats on me until like months later they're like,
really happens? Because I don't want my friends to look
(09:01):
at my man like he's an asshole, because I'm gonna
stay with him anyway. You know what I feel like
when I tell someone is when I decide I'm really
gonna know when it's done, you know, if I and
then that's when I'll tell everyone, because I know at
the end of the day, I want myself to feel
so crazy that like I can't go back, you know
(09:21):
what I mean. The only thing you could do is
you see somebody, Right, that's when you go and the
next access out. But real talk, but real talk. Sometimes
you gotta see you gotta speak to somebody who can
help you better understand your counterparts mindset, not somebody who
(09:41):
necessarily trying to fuck you, you know what I'm saying,
for somebody who has your best interest at heart and
who could be somewhat unbiased, right, so and bad advice.
I mean, it's sometimes it helps you see something in
a different way. What do you do, like like honestly,
(10:02):
if I got an issue, if I have an issue
with my lady, I'm not asking my boy about it
because he doesn't know. He doesn't have her type of
mindset you have. If you want advice on a woman,
more times than not, you should ask a woman who
has some No. No, no, no no, because you know
what I mean. I gotta be honest as a as
(10:23):
a woman. I would be so mad if my man
want to ask another woman that wasn't his sister or right,
you know, that's that's a tough one because you know, like,
for instance, right, I have a really good friend who
I grew up with, went to school with, and he
would always ask me for advice on his girlfriend who
became his fiance. But they broke up. But she got
(10:46):
really mad about it when she found out, and she
hated the fact that I knew a lot of his business.
Me and him never have dealt with each other at all. Never.
He actually was when I was younger and my best
friend's boyfriend, so we were all like family. But that
says more about her, says more about her. Yeah, I
would recommend a professional. Right, let's if we're gonna get
(11:07):
a safe space, let's get an objective person that doesn't
know anybody, right, and if they're good professional, what they're
not gonna do is uh kind of tell you what
decision you need to make. They're gonna allow you to
find the decision that you you need to make on
your own right and then support whatever decision that you make,
(11:27):
and then help you spell out the pros and cons
of what whatever decision you decide. Yeah, but that there's
some there's some nuances in between there that you know,
the lions can get blurred with the professional because the
professional might not have the personal experience of your situation,
the person who never been in a relationship or can't
(11:47):
understand the contextual you know, nuances that then it would
be difficult for them to give you some backstory. You
don't know that person personally, like like, but if you ask,
if you asked, let's say our mother, or let's say
one of our cousins, a female cousins who had some
(12:08):
experience there and they know both parties, she can give
you an idea of a woman's mindset to some degree.
Or if you have a real close friend, as like
Angela said, they're not romantically involved, so he can be
like Yo, I know this is what he said, but
this is what he that's what he meant, you know
what I mean. You gotta put your own insecurities aside sometimes, Yeah,
(12:29):
but you also have to understand that we talked about feelings, like,
so we're talking about we talk about feelings and emotions, right,
So I think that that professional. Again, if they're good,
they should have a good grasp of the discussion about emotions,
feelings and the management of those, right, Because even those nuances,
(12:51):
what we're talking about is how this made me feel
your decision made me feel this way, right, and it
meant itself to a lack of trust, you know, some
aggressive thought towards you, right, all of those things. So
even with those nuances, right, I may not fully understand
(13:12):
the scope of it, but what I do understand is, hey,
what are you feeling. Let's work through those feelings. How
do you feel as it pertains to this decision versus
that decision? And what's the what's the pushback there? Right?
Because keep it, you know, because there are no right
(13:32):
there's no rules. Right. People people always come with the
idea like you know, people always say if if he
or she did this to me, I'm leaving like I'm leaving. Yeah,
I like miss me with all right, case is different.
What do you think about virtually cheating right now? Let's
just say everybody's stuck in the house. You know, they're bored,
(13:55):
they're not going outside. But people might be online having
conversations with people or FaceTime and things like that. I
asked this question. If you saw your dude's phone and
he was texting somebody, how would you feel that. I
feel like virtual cheating. Cheating is the problem before all
of the social distancing, like I don't, I don't. I
don't want my man talking to anybody on the internet,
(14:17):
on the text all of that. I feel like it's cheating.
Even if you don't see them, there's something that I'm
not supposed to see. You're cheating on me. I feel
like it's increased though it has right because a lot
of people are online more because they have nothing else
to do. A lot of people are joining only fans
and stuff like that. It's true, thinks that I do
(14:40):
feel like that's that's still cheating to me. I don't know,
it's just making it. Hold on, listen. If there's been
a few people I thought about killing but I ain't killing.
Does that make me a murderer? That makes you a
murderous mind, doesn't make you okay? But yeah, but if
(15:04):
you're still using your words, so that still could be
a physical connection, I mean right now, but you can
you can make someone fall in love with words. You
can't really tell someone with words, but you can make
somebody fall in love with you with words. You ain't
(15:24):
got the fund them and touch them. But I mean,
you know, Tomato, I'm gonna talk a little, I'm gonna
talking a little different terms. I think that it's all
in what they're in the bounds of your relationship, right,
what y'all what y'all making right? Because there are people
out here with that have open relationships. There are people
that have virtual open relationships where they might allow for
(15:47):
them mate to get on upon live sight and engage
somebody or talk to them and in that manner. So
it's all within the boundaries of what you determine. Again,
there aren't any rules, right. We come with these strict
as Western cultures, cultural rules of relationships, and that's why
our divorce rate is over six. And then you go
(16:08):
to the Eastern part of the world and their divorce
rates vastly different because they put different They put a
different emphasis on sex and relationships and communications. A friend
of mine, she has you know, she works hard. She
works maybe fifty sixty hours a week. She works hard.
And now she's working from home. But before that, she
(16:29):
allowed her man to be on all those sites just
to entertain himself while she was at work because he
doesn't have a job, so so she didn't mind that
he would be on these sites because she felt like
he's not meeting them, so whatever. So she was okay
with that, and I found that totally weird. Right and
(16:49):
because he doesn't pay for those sites with her money,
right exactly. Now, let me ask you this. Let's talk
about sex drive right while you're at home. Let's just
say now we're home a whole lot more. You know,
my man wants to have sex all the time. I
don't necessarily feel like it. What should we be doing
(17:11):
to have that balance? Because sometimes we do it, we
don't feel like it. We feel like if he's asking,
we should give in, or sometimes we're like no, I
just don't feel like it in his feelings and hurt.
Where do you get that balance? I've never been in
a position where a man ever asked me for sex,
So I can't answer sex. Well, you go, wow, is
(17:32):
that what we're doing? Yeah, but what would y'all like
to hear? Let's look at what works for you? Is
what is what happens right, more of than than not,
more of than than not. What we come to find
out is that women go to the same college when
it comes to sex and sexual activity. They tend to
use sex as a weapon, right and in many absolutely,
(17:56):
in many forms, which means that you said you never
heard that. Yeah, yeah, I bet you know so. So
I think that, like most men are having a sexual
thought every seven seconds, right, So it's not uncommon for
men's sex drive to to to to be at a
consistent well relatively healthy men to have a sex drive
(18:20):
that is consistent, right, a baseline sort of consistency to it.
Because men don't engage in or don't have as many
physical changes as women do, um that will impact their
drive at different times, right, like close to menopause. Older
women will find themselves having their sex drive people as
they get closer to that that reproductive change so to speak. Right,
(18:43):
So we don't have those changes. However, what we end
up with is it being utilized as a tool to
maybe say, hey, listen, if you want to do this,
or I'm going to punish you in that respect because
you're not acting right clean like or like you know.
(19:05):
I think that that's always the source of conflict in relationships, sex, finances, communication, right,
we could we could stick those in the ground. There's
always gonna be beef about sex, right because there isn't.
There aren't many times where those drives physiological will matching,
will match each other, right, So that's just more of
(19:28):
a science issue. But I think that again in relationships,
there's this conversation and communication that had to be had,
and there's some deals that might need to be made.
Listen to seven days in the week, Are we gonna
agree to have sex? To three days? Four days? Like?
How we doing this? Can we commit to it? Right?
Is that's something that we can commit to and the
weeks that we do fall off? You know, let's not
(19:51):
beef about it because this week maybe we get it
four or five times and this week we only did it.
Was I never want to have to have that conversation. See,
it's like this conversation helps to you know what I mean,
because you know, we have our ideas or different ideas
about sex. Some of it could be very impulsive, you know.
You know I want to get in. I just want
to I just want to quick right now. Yeah I'm
(20:15):
ashamed if you can't in, but ahead, right right right
right out quick. But but hearing, hearing your perspective helps
(20:40):
us understand certain things too. It's like, Yo, look, I
want me to tell you sometimes listen, sometimes I want
to be I want to be wooed into this, you
know what I'm saying. Yeah, yeah, more than that. The mindset,
you know what I'm saying, be set the temperament around
here a little bit, set the atmosphere a little bit.
But because I'm just not a destination for you like that,
(21:03):
you know what I mean, I have a whole lot
of things that allowed me to react to you too.
That's so empower him be like, Yo, there's some things
that you can control here too. It's like y'all do
y'all have the power of seduction and things of that nature.
Let us know that we got some things that could
help influence you too that you would like. Yeah, Like
(21:24):
I don't like the way you taste from the port.
Maybe he just tas you. I'm not talking about ye,
I'm talking about that. It could be the case of
any man. You watch them. They don't be what they
(21:45):
eat all the time. Sometimes it's hey, listen, no pineapples,
gott gotta get your pH balance right. Drink some malcalin water.
Do that that works. That that's work from men as
well as women. Yeah. I don't know about the pineapple ship.
But the other day, me and my man we was
(22:07):
eating sour past kids and I sucked his dick and
I swear to god, it tastes like sour past kids.
It was amazing. That probably stuck in here too. Yeah.
I like listen though, listen it kind of speaks to
the point, right men, men. A lot of men probably
won't say this, but they want to be wooed too,
(22:28):
right like and and and a lot of that is
about the idea that you know, more often than not,
on birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, the pendulum is is swung in
a way where women expect for men to do something
for them. Right, it's our anniversary. What you're gonna do
for us on our anniversary? Well day made it bothe
(22:48):
It's both by anniversary, right, like we didn't. I didn't
just marry you. You didn't just like we married each other.
So let's figure out a way to meet in the
middle and woo each other and du you know they
want to. You know, some will say, okay, I gotta
mat cheese. Mo. I ain't feeling that, Like, yeah, there's
some there's some thugs out your singing Michael Jackson too,
(23:09):
like knocking on, getting some sexy, geting some sexy loinger
and fingure him. I don't know, we just got we
just got nothing. You let me tell us, like what's
the best guests? I haven't got? Because have you ever
(23:30):
had a situation where you're woude and like when was
the best? Like how can you describe it? I feel
like I'm the total opposite, Like I don't expect for
my man to do a lot for me for my
birthday or for holidays. I like to be the ones
to surprise him, like look, I got you this. Like
(23:50):
I'll buy whoever I'm dating, I'll buy them a Father's
Day gift, even if they're not a father. What yeah,
because he's n daddy. So it's like, let's look, baby,
his Father's Days is my daddy? I bore you a girl.
It's actually I got something to tell you. Yes, to
(24:11):
find out would be like really technically, kis, I just
didn't want to say anything. I got to break it
to you. We talked about wooing like but in how
to please each other and really set the temperament. You know,
I think a lot of people are going through anxiety
right now. Right anxiety is heightened because the unknown. It's
(24:34):
a number of reasons, but the unknown like the untimely deaths.
The country is in a frenzy and stuff like that,
So we can't ignore that that's affecting our overall behavior,
you know what I mean. The paranoia is at all
time high and we're ingesting a lot of this, so
it's coming out in different ways, you know what I mean? Um,
(24:55):
how are you? How are y'all dealing with some of
the anxieties or the changes in your own house right now?
Like as as far as lead? Yeah, me, I'm a
person who I always have anxiety. Um, I always say this,
and I know you're probably tired of hearing me say this,
(25:15):
Like I'm a master social distancer even before this, but
I have to say, being like that gives you anxiety.
When you go out in the world, you know what
I mean, Like, when you're around people, it gives you,
it makes you paranoid, like you're always looking over your
shoulders from you know, isolating yourself so much. So I
(25:37):
just feel like I really hope that people don't come
out like that, like come out like me worried to
be around people because I can't lie. I naturally have anxiety,
but this is giving me more anxiety and not even worried,
just uncomfortable sometimes. Yeah, that's why people drink, I feel
like when they're in certain areas, And that's why, you
(26:00):
know what I mean, because it is like we have
come to a point of time where I think a
lot of people have kind of isolated themselves, like you said,
even before this, so then when you do get around
each other, it's kind of like almost make you stick
to your stomach because you're like, oh my god. People
everywhere like, oh my god, yeah, but you don't like
and I just felt like a lot I see a
(26:22):
lot more people talking about that anxiety and maybe now
they just have a word for it. But no, I
mean as far as beef people that maybe they didn't
know the word for it is what I mean. So
maybe now I'm seeing it a lot more because they
now know what that means and they're putting two and
two together. But I do think like you have to
(26:42):
take a moment, like I think what y'all said going
for walks and stuff like that. Really, don't you know
what I do a lot to I cook, so like
even like making new things like get doing new recipes
or something about that that kind of like you know,
it brings something out of me, like different, I know what,
kind of whatever. But it makes me happy a little therapeutic, yeah, therapy.
(27:04):
You know. What I found that has made me relaxed
a little more, which is good for me because I
probably should have been doing this is like X me no,
but no. But what I find is um, you know,
like staying busy in the house cleaning up or um.
(27:27):
You know, even even sitting down and praying. I know
it sounds crazy. I pray out loud, and it sounds
like I'm talking to myself, But I pray out loud
and I try to be quiet and meditate, and I'm
not gonna lie. It does make me feel calm. It
makes me feel a little more relaxed myself I've been
just making sure my diet is better. So I juice
(27:47):
every single day, and that definitely helps. What you put
in your body helps you mental. That always felt like
that and definitely, like you said, Larry, I make sure
that if I haven't been outside in a while and
the sun is out, I go on my back. All right,
I'll go for a walk. I just make sure that
I do those things, and I stay in contact with people.
Be a text message, just check in, say what's up,
(28:07):
you know, maybe call people. We've been doing face timing
and things like that, so I'm not just connected. See,
I find myself getting aggravated lately when my phone goes off,
and I know that's kind of like I'm trying to
get out of that because I think it's because I've
been working so much. Since we just work, yeah, like
and I know you you can't agree. Like, since we've
been home, I feel like more people have been asking
(28:29):
for interviews or for because they feel like, oh, well,
you're just home, doing you anything? Yeah, And I'm like,
I'm still working my full time job and two podcast
you know what I mean. But people don't think of that.
So every time my phone has been going off lately
Now I thought it's asking for money, but it seems
like it's always somebody asking me to do something or
for something. So now it kind of aggravates me to
(28:50):
the point where Saturday Antono's because she tried to call me,
I completely have my phone, like, do not disturb everything,
my messages, everything, like you can't tack me, because that
was also giving me, well, look at this, look at
the flips side of that. There are some people who
don't get a call at all, right, and I think
and and loneliness, and loneliness can lead to depression, you
(29:14):
know what I mean. And like, right now, a lot
of the calls and can they all tell you the
suicide I thought rate and the suicide rate is is
heightened right now because now you have a highway for
that anxiety to take another route, for that depression to
take another route, because now you don't even get a
(29:36):
chance to go, even if it was to go to
your local Starbucks. And that one person that you've seen
every day, you know, that becomes a part of your life.
Now that's removed. You realize you go to your you
go to your apartment building or your your home, and
you're like Damn. I really don't even know my neighbors
like that. But I could be dead in here for
two days and nobody just say nothing. You know what.
(29:58):
The other part of that that is that situational depression, situation,
situational anxiety right is upon us, right because people are
in financial peril. Right. So if if I'm stuck in
the house financially, you know, financially, I'm I'm losing. I'm
having issues with the stimulus, unemployment is not coming fast enough.
(30:22):
That's still not enough to cover my bills, right. Um, situationally,
I'm experiencing things that I didn't expect to experience or
and or I've never experienced before, right, and now I
can't do anything about it. There's not an active process
that I can engage in to help alleviate some of
that stress and anxiety. Right. So, individuals who okay, I'm
(30:47):
I'm I'm kind of walking my life and things are
going well. Now I kind of been smacked in the
face with something that I can't control. We're not getting
good answers about when things are gonna change, right all day. So,
now you know, I don't have a coping mechanism for that.
(31:08):
I've never had to deal with it. I don't know
how to cope with it, right, So what do I do?
You know, my thoughts are running rampant. I don't know
where I go from here? Right, How do I come
out of this? Well, maybe the easiest thing for me
to do is not exist anymore? Right, And and those
(31:29):
become soft ideas that become very hard, and they're not
just fleeting ideas that people have. Right. And that's already
on top of the people who already have those thoughts
on a consistent basis that they're fighting right because they
walk this earth feeling like nobody really cares if I'm
(31:49):
here or not. Maybe I'm someone that nobody calls and
they check up on. So that's a very real circumstance, right,
How my my, my girls? Who are I thought was
my girls? Damn they ain't really my girls like that?
My my dudes that maybe he really my dudes like
dude like that? You know what I'm saying. So it
could get really, really tough because we're not Loneliness and
(32:12):
depression sets in the truth. Your truth approaches you very
very fast. And that's that's a horrible feeling when you
have no idea how to deal with it. And that's
why it's important to check up on people who you
know aren't buy the You know, that's a really selfless
thing to do, Like let me just drop her message.
I haven't spoke to her in a minute, Like, you know,
(32:32):
I have a friend that's going through a really tough
divorce right now, and so I've been making sure I like,
hey girl, how are you doing, and just checking in
and just kicking with her, just because I know this
is not an easy time to have to go through something. Now,
I have what working on me and because you know
I did check on you also never I just tell me,
(32:52):
you can tell me you have me ill do not
to serve. I had anybody one last question before we
go for doc in the dude, um, so somebody emailed
this in. My wife and I have been together for
almost five years, and when we got together, she was
thick in all the right places and somewhat toned, flat stomach, etcetera.
Nash has gained almost a hundred pounds and when I
suggests better eating habits are just going for a walk,
(33:15):
she instantly gets angry and says I shouldn't care. I
love and care about my wife, So what should I do?
And let's keep it real. Right now people are oh man,
and they're gaining weight. Look, look, let's let's keep it real.
The fact is that, look, you, he didn't marry you
a hundred pounds. That's a whole another person. He did
(33:36):
not marry that, right, So if that's something you can control,
then it's up to you the control because first of all,
marriage is a contract between two people in the state,
it's a contract. So the terms in this contract too, right,
So if you're not living up to some of those
terms or they can't be amended, then that contract should
(33:57):
be broken. It can be broken. I feel like she's
getting angry. She's also getting angry because she probably knows
she probably wants to lose the weight, and maybe she
doesn't have a motivation. That's probably why she's getting angry,
not because she's just mad at him, but she's like,
yes to love me for who I am. You shouldn't care,
she said, you shouldn't care, And that's not true, but
(34:21):
that's what her words were. She said at the end
of I think that we're I think that that's where
kind of real and fantasy, right, don't go with each other. Right,
And this is a conversation that me and Kane to
have and I have with people and couples all the time. Right,
this idea that you know through sickness and health, right
(34:44):
that for better for worse, Right, we get all that obviously. However,
the reality is is that there are times when people's
attraction to each other changes, right, because we we we change, right,
The things that we enjoy may change over time. Right,
And if there are things that are within your control, right,
(35:05):
and there's a conversation to be had about it, it's
not it's not necessarily superficial. Right, it's just the way
that I feel. These are my thoughts. You can you
can label them whatever you want. But as Kinga said, listen,
we're in a relationship there, and there's a certain level
that we need to maintain for our health. Number One,
(35:25):
you gain a hundred pounds, that's not healthy. You're not
practicing you know, good health at all. That's number one.
Number Two, if I'm encouraging you to engage in a
different practice and you're not accepting of it, then we
need to identify what it's gonna take for you to
be accepting of it. Maybe I'm not the person that
(35:47):
should be the messages. Maybe we should seek out some
some assistance and some and some support in a different ways,
like why didn't you say like I would have been like,
come on, I'm gonna tell you why. I'm gonna tell
you why. Your mind is more powerful than you could
(36:10):
possibly imagine in this current state. Right if your mind
is telling you to do certain things, like you should eat,
then you will eat if you and vice versa. If
your mind is telling we have somebody very close to
us that had a very bad um illness and it
became very painful for her to eat, so her mind
(36:30):
told her it's too painful to eat, so she wasn't eating.
In a short amount of time, she lost an enormous
amount of weight. You know what I mean, But you
know your mind. If you don't, if you're not able
to engauge and have some degree of understanding of what's
going on in your mindset, then it can easily happen.
(36:50):
One hundred pounds, two hundred pounds. Nobody just imagined the
game we see those I don't want to add mind
two cents into this. This is why I tell man
all the time, don't marry a girl until she's in
her thirties, because you know she looks well. There's other
factors to people have child. Let's me get sick, you
(37:10):
know what I mean, unless you get sick. But that
people people deal with things mentally, sometimes physically. There's things
that might make you getting way. Sometimes there's medications that
Fred and their thirties bro Man spread as well, but
they spread nine. I don't know a man by. They
(37:33):
got a man by. They gotta listen. At the end
of the day, you gotta have a conversation, right, it all,
it all stems from all other communication all we have
and about what's going on. You might have some physical
issues that are lending that that lends itself to you
gaining a significant amount of weight, And I understand that, right,
and I'm willing to support you and help you with that.
(37:55):
But if you have home, eating Big Max and ship
all day, right, and we need to have a conversation
about what happens next, right, And I'm entitled to have
a feeling and an opinion. You may not like it,
like we are in the age of I'm not allowed
to have an opinion, right, and and that impacts everything
(38:20):
that we do. I have an opinion. I make a statement.
Now you want to shame me for it personally? Right,
social media is it's a landline of that ship. I
put some out there, right, somebody has an opinion. Now
that opinion, that opinion goes over the line. Personally, you're attacking.
Oh you're a hater. Damn. I just had an opinion, right,
(38:42):
I don't hate the person. I just felt like it
wasn't a good look. And if you put something out
there for public consumption, don't get piste off when the
public responds to it. I give you, I give your
perfect example. Right, the sister who the sister who like she?
I think you're saying, George that she does the weather,
and they were her clothes clothes, right, it's a very
(39:05):
attractive woman, you know what I'm saying. And then she
was like, well, I don't think people should be paying
attention to that, and unfortunately people are gonna pay attention
to that. So all right, you can feel the way
that you want to feel, but people have a right
to their opinion. And I was like, I feel her.
I'm with her on that. But then she posted a
(39:26):
picture of like, like her leg like a picture of
her leg down and I was like, well, if you
don't want people to be asking that way, no, why
would you do something like that? You know what I mean?
And so now when they were making such a big
deal lot of that, but have y'all seen the Colombian
and the overseas weather girls. We know, But anyway back
(39:55):
to this question originally, So now she's getting a hundred
pounds and you know, it could be the quession and
the more that he goes in on her about it
that could cause it. The more depression people do sometimes
to eat as a way to kind of comfort themselves
as well. So he also has what he also has
(40:15):
to understand is that as much jumping down and yelling
and screaming that he does, he doesn't control that other person, right,
So until she's to a point where it creates some
some issues or discomfort for her, then she's not gonna
make a move on it, right. Regardless of how hard
(40:36):
you push someone right, people kind of become frustrated with
the idea that me showing you that I care right,
and me being enthusiastic right, or me being demonstrative in
my tone is gonna lend itself to you getting up
off the couch and moving. I don't hear any of that. Like,
I'm in a space where I can't even hear what
(40:58):
you're saying. Right. It may look physically it looks like
you're yelling, but I'm not really hear what you're saying
because I don't feel that way. It's not uncomfortable to
me at that point. So the fact that it isn't
uncomfortable to me at that point, you have to practice
a level of patients and you have to check yourself
(41:18):
or not and identify what you're projecting on somebody else.
And you can try. You can you you you may
not do that, and it may lend itself to some
more frustration. Should it may lead lend itself to you
walking out the door. Because He's like, no doubt. At
(41:39):
the end of the day, you can control your all behavior, right.
We all control what we can, right, So it's we
we engage in relationships oftentimes to look to control what
the other person is doing. And that is one of
the that's another big issue. I can't control what you do,
So why why do I need to continue to try?
And I need to engage in the ongoing process to
(42:01):
tell me control what you can control? What you can
because I can't control what you do. Well for you, guys.
I know we have to wrap up now, but I
appreciate you. Now, How can people reach Docking the dude
if they have some questions our social media handles at
dog going to do at D O C and d
A d U d E. I know it, I'm gonna
say it again, but folks got trouble with the spelling
(42:24):
at D C d A d U D should I
have trouble with it sometimes? D dot in in the
letter and we got you Listen, We'll be checking back
in with you guys. So if anybody has questions, free
to hit us up and ask us because we're gonna
make sure that we can. People got questions for us,
and then they want we want they want us to
(42:45):
shoot it at y'all because I'm pretty sure people want
y'all opinion as well. Know you got the email emailers,
Dot gonna do one at gmail as well. Dot gonna
do the one at gmail. Dot calm. Well, thank you
all so much. I appreciate it. Dr Jasper, Dr Kendall,
jasper Kin and Jasper appreciate you guys always. Absolutely, Thank you,
(43:08):
Hi guy,
What's up? What's up? It is lip service on Angela. Yee,
I'm stopping in Santiago. I'm Lauria and we have docting
to do here dot to kend go Jasper and Kanan
Jasper are here with that's what's up, guys, just to
get some contexts. These are the people I called during
asking when things are above me, I have to call
(00:22):
these guys to step in. And you know, especially right
now with coronavirus, is a lot of things going on.
A lot of people are at home dealing with things
they've never had to deal with before. You know. Just recently,
I had a woman crawling to the show that's going
through a breakup. Found out her husband had a side
a piece and she was really going through it. So
people are discovering all kinds of things right now, right, Yeah,
(00:44):
And he discovered He's gonna discover some things too, right, Wait,
discover more than that. You're gonna You're gonna discover that.
You know, he ain't the only one. There's always two
sides of the stories. That's why you gotta hear it all.
(01:06):
And sometimes people tell you a lot of things but
that they didn't mention in the first go around and
they caught up in their feelings. It's all hid it.
When you settle them down, the truth really comes out. Wow. Well,
you know, it is a tough time for relationships right now.
We've been hearing that people are in the house with
each other discovering they don't lucky to each other as
much when they have to spend so much time together.
(01:28):
So should people be considering breaking up or is this
something where you know you kind of should wait until
this pandemic is over with all this addage, stress and anxiety. Wow,
well some people shouldn't. Some people really knew they should
have broke up a long time ago, right, So you
know this is just you know, exacerbating the situation that
(01:49):
already existed, right, and it's just making it worse. So,
you know, obviously things are at a stand still. So
the formality of a breakup or divorce or leaving separation, Um,
you know, I can't really go through you can't commit
to something like that. But obviously people have to identify
and decide what kind of relationship we're gonna have moving forward,
(02:12):
right and and hopefully having honest discussion about what type
of relationship we're gonna have moving forward, is this gonna
be uh you know, I'm we're gonna sleep in separate
bedrooms type of situation right on some real you know,
I'm not just gonna say black people ship because because
other people do it too. Real, Yeah, other people do
(02:33):
it too like you know, look, personal disclosure. My mom's
and pops with beaving. My Pop's built the whole sheep
rock wall at one point up stairs. Really talk right now.
They figured it out. You know, it's really talk. So like,
(02:53):
you know, people have to determine. Okay, we need to
set some guidelines about what we're gonna do, especially if
they're children involved like that, children's finances, property, all kinds
of things are involved. How are we gonna manage through
this without us being in here arguing every five seconds,
being very you know, verbally aggressive and potentially physically aggressive
(03:15):
towards each other. I'm sorry, I got to get a
little you know, good energy spreading around here. This ship
is starting to get a little thick. Man talking about
ship that I pops then when he's growing up, you're
giving me bad trauma right now, my bad Kate. But
I will say right now like even for like like
for me, I live alone, and I have family that
(03:35):
lives close to me, and like, um like saying my
mother shall come by, and like I love my mom.
But like even in this space and time, it's like
like you said, and it's like so much like tension,
so much anxiety that like even I get to the
place where I'm like I don't want nobody around me.
But then when you're alone, you're like, damn my mo
(03:55):
by myself. So it is like a confusing time right now,
and then it's still scary because we're losing people and
stuff like that. So like say you are up underneath
somebody twenty four seven, right, what do y'all think is
a good thing? Um, that you could do together to
kind of get through it? Because technically you are going
through the same thing together and it's it may be
(04:17):
something small that's making it tick, you know what I mean?
But is there something that like I don't know if
it's just like sitting there, I'm talking maybe playing a
game or like something that you could kind of like
recommend would be good for something watch some free Porne
of course would say, is that together or separate? Is
the poem watching together? Right? What are we doing? Yeah?
(04:38):
But what's better. Yeah, well but that might that might
turn into an argument too, because she might not like
the poem. You try to watch right right? You like
(04:59):
the Spanish girl else high, you know, you put it
on you and you're watch on your phone. I watching
my phone. I feel like, um, I feel like even
in this time because I was just I was just
with my man, and I feel like in this time,
you just give each other space, like let him go
do his thing in the house and go do your
(05:19):
thing in the house and meet in the middle. Well,
that's considered. That, that's considering if you have space. That
depends on you know, some people may live in a
one bedroom apartment. Some people may live in the studio.
So that's come on here, it's hard, but go ahead,
hold on. The thing is this containment when none of
(05:42):
us are meant for containment. That's a that's a an
adjustment that we all have to make, period, you know
what I mean. So this is gonna definitely be some
some hurdles and some hiccups involved. Institute some patients, a
little more patients. But you do need to separate it. Nope,
body said you can't go outside, right, You can take
(06:04):
a walk you're just not supposed to be interacting with
people and stuff like that. Yeah, But the other the
other part of that that you lose, right, and and
this is whether in a we're in a pandemic or not. Right.
A valuable lesson of this is considering someone other than yourself, right,
engaging in and thought and activities that are somewhat selfless.
(06:26):
Right and it and it originates with the idea that
the physical distancing and the the tracking of who you're
around is of course for yourself, but also considering the
other people who are in your circle. Because I may
be someone who contracts this and maybe asymptomatic. I may
get around someone like a parent or a sibling or
(06:48):
an extended relative who has a pre existing condition who
will respond to this virus in a vastly different way. So,
on the face of it, let's make that a more
general um practice in a time of intense anxiety and
and fear and trepidation for people, consider other people. Well,
(07:11):
I was gonna say, what what if you're okay, let's
just say you're significant other cheats on you, you find
out and he comes back in the house, What should
you do? I would say? Anyway, I would still say
consider him hold on, hold on, hold on? Who said
(07:34):
bad advices? Hey, listen to the worst vices advice? So
I don't do that. I ain't built for that hour.
So I also, however, I think that there is some
consideration given to the activity right now. I'm not saying
be you know, listen, don't be a bo zone. Okay. However,
(07:55):
what you also have to understand is that people's circumstances
are different. Right, So what I advised people to do
number one, Right, here's what people do and they go wrong.
Your spouse, you're significant of that's cheating on you. You
know what you do. You're running. You tell everybody, right,
you call your you calling, you tell your girlfriend. That's
(08:19):
what people do, right. I can't believe. I can't believe
what this this b did to me. Right now, what
you do is you back yourself in the corner. You
don't create space or an opportunity to say, hey, I
may want to work this out. Now I have him
or her around the same people that I just told
that they did me dirty, And now there's some there's
(08:40):
some animosity that's going on or some some tension. Right,
certain things are not for everybody's consumption. It's not everybody's business. No, seriously,
not to interrupt, Like I don't tell my friends when
my man cheats on me until like months later they're like,
really happens? Because I don't want my friends to look
(09:01):
at my man like he's an asshole, because I'm gonna
stay with him anyway. You know what I feel like
when I tell someone is when I decide I'm really
gonna know when it's done, you know, if I and
then that's when I'll tell everyone, because I know at
the end of the day, I want myself to feel
so crazy that like I can't go back, you know
(09:21):
what I mean. The only thing you could do is
you see somebody, Right, that's when you go and the
next access out. But real talk, but real talk. Sometimes
you gotta see you gotta speak to somebody who can
help you better understand your counterparts mindset, not somebody who
(09:41):
necessarily trying to fuck you, you know what I'm saying,
for somebody who has your best interest at heart and
who could be somewhat unbiased, right, so and bad advice.
I mean, it's sometimes it helps you see something in
a different way. What do you do, like like honestly,
(10:02):
if I got an issue, if I have an issue
with my lady, I'm not asking my boy about it
because he doesn't know. He doesn't have her type of
mindset you have. If you want advice on a woman,
more times than not, you should ask a woman who
has some No. No, no, no no, because you know
what I mean. I gotta be honest as a as
(10:23):
a woman. I would be so mad if my man
want to ask another woman that wasn't his sister or right,
you know, that's that's a tough one because you know, like,
for instance, right, I have a really good friend who
I grew up with, went to school with, and he
would always ask me for advice on his girlfriend who
became his fiance. But they broke up. But she got
(10:46):
really mad about it when she found out, and she
hated the fact that I knew a lot of his business.
Me and him never have dealt with each other at all. Never.
He actually was when I was younger and my best
friend's boyfriend, so we were all like family. But that
says more about her, says more about her. Yeah, I
would recommend a professional. Right, let's if we're gonna get
(11:07):
a safe space, let's get an objective person that doesn't
know anybody, right, and if they're good professional, what they're
not gonna do is uh kind of tell you what
decision you need to make. They're gonna allow you to
find the decision that you you need to make on
your own right and then support whatever decision that you make,
(11:27):
and then help you spell out the pros and cons
of what whatever decision you decide. Yeah, but that there's
some there's some nuances in between there that you know,
the lions can get blurred with the professional because the
professional might not have the personal experience of your situation,
the person who never been in a relationship or can't
(11:47):
understand the contextual you know, nuances that then it would
be difficult for them to give you some backstory. You
don't know that person personally, like like, but if you ask,
if you asked, let's say our mother, or let's say
one of our cousins, a female cousins who had some
(12:08):
experience there and they know both parties, she can give
you an idea of a woman's mindset to some degree.
Or if you have a real close friend, as like
Angela said, they're not romantically involved, so he can be
like Yo, I know this is what he said, but
this is what he that's what he meant, you know
what I mean. You gotta put your own insecurities aside sometimes, Yeah,
(12:29):
but you also have to understand that we talked about feelings, like,
so we're talking about we talk about feelings and emotions, right,
So I think that that professional. Again, if they're good,
they should have a good grasp of the discussion about emotions,
feelings and the management of those, right, Because even those nuances,
(12:51):
what we're talking about is how this made me feel
your decision made me feel this way, right, and it
meant itself to a lack of trust, you know, some
aggressive thought towards you, right, all of those things. So
even with those nuances, right, I may not fully understand
(13:12):
the scope of it, but what I do understand is, hey,
what are you feeling. Let's work through those feelings. How
do you feel as it pertains to this decision versus
that decision? And what's the what's the pushback there? Right?
Because keep it, you know, because there are no right
(13:32):
there's no rules. Right. People people always come with the
idea like you know, people always say if if he
or she did this to me, I'm leaving like I'm leaving. Yeah,
I like miss me with all right, case is different.
What do you think about virtually cheating right now? Let's
just say everybody's stuck in the house. You know, they're bored,
(13:55):
they're not going outside. But people might be online having
conversations with people or FaceTime and things like that. I
asked this question. If you saw your dude's phone and
he was texting somebody, how would you feel that. I
feel like virtual cheating. Cheating is the problem before all
of the social distancing, like I don't, I don't. I
don't want my man talking to anybody on the internet,
(14:17):
on the text all of that. I feel like it's cheating.
Even if you don't see them, there's something that I'm
not supposed to see. You're cheating on me. I feel
like it's increased though it has right because a lot
of people are online more because they have nothing else
to do. A lot of people are joining only fans
and stuff like that. It's true, thinks that I do
(14:40):
feel like that's that's still cheating to me. I don't know,
it's just making it. Hold on, listen. If there's been
a few people I thought about killing but I ain't killing.
Does that make me a murderer? That makes you a
murderous mind, doesn't make you okay? But yeah, but if
(15:04):
you're still using your words, so that still could be
a physical connection, I mean right now, but you can
you can make someone fall in love with words. You
can't really tell someone with words, but you can make
somebody fall in love with you with words. You ain't
(15:24):
got the fund them and touch them. But I mean,
you know, Tomato, I'm gonna talk a little, I'm gonna
talking a little different terms. I think that it's all
in what they're in the bounds of your relationship, right,
what y'all what y'all making right? Because there are people
out here with that have open relationships. There are people
that have virtual open relationships where they might allow for
(15:47):
them mate to get on upon live sight and engage
somebody or talk to them and in that manner. So
it's all within the boundaries of what you determine. Again,
there aren't any rules, right. We come with these strict
as Western cultures, cultural rules of relationships, and that's why
our divorce rate is over six. And then you go
(16:08):
to the Eastern part of the world and their divorce
rates vastly different because they put different They put a
different emphasis on sex and relationships and communications. A friend
of mine, she has you know, she works hard. She
works maybe fifty sixty hours a week. She works hard.
And now she's working from home. But before that, she
(16:29):
allowed her man to be on all those sites just
to entertain himself while she was at work because he
doesn't have a job, so so she didn't mind that
he would be on these sites because she felt like
he's not meeting them, so whatever. So she was okay
with that, and I found that totally weird. Right and
(16:49):
because he doesn't pay for those sites with her money,
right exactly. Now, let me ask you this. Let's talk
about sex drive right while you're at home. Let's just
say now we're home a whole lot more. You know,
my man wants to have sex all the time. I
don't necessarily feel like it. What should we be doing
(17:11):
to have that balance? Because sometimes we do it, we
don't feel like it. We feel like if he's asking,
we should give in, or sometimes we're like no, I
just don't feel like it in his feelings and hurt.
Where do you get that balance? I've never been in
a position where a man ever asked me for sex,
So I can't answer sex. Well, you go, wow, is
(17:32):
that what we're doing? Yeah, but what would y'all like
to hear? Let's look at what works for you? Is
what is what happens right, more of than than not,
more of than than not. What we come to find
out is that women go to the same college when
it comes to sex and sexual activity. They tend to
use sex as a weapon, right and in many absolutely,
(17:56):
in many forms, which means that you said you never
heard that. Yeah, yeah, I bet you know so. So
I think that, like most men are having a sexual
thought every seven seconds, right, So it's not uncommon for
men's sex drive to to to to be at a
consistent well relatively healthy men to have a sex drive
(18:20):
that is consistent, right, a baseline sort of consistency to it.
Because men don't engage in or don't have as many
physical changes as women do, um that will impact their
drive at different times, right, like close to menopause. Older
women will find themselves having their sex drive people as
they get closer to that that reproductive change so to speak. Right,
(18:43):
So we don't have those changes. However, what we end
up with is it being utilized as a tool to
maybe say, hey, listen, if you want to do this,
or I'm going to punish you in that respect because
you're not acting right clean like or like you know.
(19:05):
I think that that's always the source of conflict in relationships, sex, finances, communication, right,
we could we could stick those in the ground. There's
always gonna be beef about sex, right because there isn't.
There aren't many times where those drives physiological will matching,
will match each other, right, So that's just more of
(19:28):
a science issue. But I think that again in relationships,
there's this conversation and communication that had to be had,
and there's some deals that might need to be made.
Listen to seven days in the week, Are we gonna
agree to have sex? To three days? Four days? Like?
How we doing this? Can we commit to it? Right?
Is that's something that we can commit to and the
weeks that we do fall off? You know, let's not
(19:51):
beef about it because this week maybe we get it
four or five times and this week we only did it.
Was I never want to have to have that conversation. See,
it's like this conversation helps to you know what I mean,
because you know, we have our ideas or different ideas
about sex. Some of it could be very impulsive, you know.
You know I want to get in. I just want
to I just want to quick right now. Yeah I'm
(20:15):
ashamed if you can't in, but ahead, right right right
right out quick. But but hearing, hearing your perspective helps
(20:40):
us understand certain things too. It's like, Yo, look, I
want me to tell you sometimes listen, sometimes I want
to be I want to be wooed into this, you
know what I'm saying. Yeah, yeah, more than that. The mindset,
you know what I'm saying, be set the temperament around
here a little bit, set the atmosphere a little bit.
But because I'm just not a destination for you like that,
(21:03):
you know what I mean, I have a whole lot
of things that allowed me to react to you too.
That's so empower him be like, Yo, there's some things
that you can control here too. It's like y'all do
y'all have the power of seduction and things of that nature.
Let us know that we got some things that could
help influence you too that you would like. Yeah, Like
(21:24):
I don't like the way you taste from the port.
Maybe he just tas you. I'm not talking about ye,
I'm talking about that. It could be the case of
any man. You watch them. They don't be what they
(21:45):
eat all the time. Sometimes it's hey, listen, no pineapples,
gott gotta get your pH balance right. Drink some malcalin water.
Do that that works. That that's work from men as
well as women. Yeah. I don't know about the pineapple ship.
But the other day, me and my man we was
(22:07):
eating sour past kids and I sucked his dick and
I swear to god, it tastes like sour past kids.
It was amazing. That probably stuck in here too. Yeah.
I like listen though, listen it kind of speaks to
the point, right men, men. A lot of men probably
won't say this, but they want to be wooed too,
(22:28):
right like and and and a lot of that is
about the idea that you know, more often than not,
on birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, the pendulum is is swung in
a way where women expect for men to do something
for them. Right, it's our anniversary. What you're gonna do
for us on our anniversary? Well day made it bothe
(22:48):
It's both by anniversary, right, like we didn't. I didn't
just marry you. You didn't just like we married each other.
So let's figure out a way to meet in the
middle and woo each other and du you know they
want to. You know, some will say, okay, I gotta
mat cheese. Mo. I ain't feeling that, Like, yeah, there's
some there's some thugs out your singing Michael Jackson too,
(23:09):
like knocking on, getting some sexy, geting some sexy loinger
and fingure him. I don't know, we just got we
just got nothing. You let me tell us, like what's
the best guests? I haven't got? Because have you ever
(23:30):
had a situation where you're woude and like when was
the best? Like how can you describe it? I feel
like I'm the total opposite, Like I don't expect for
my man to do a lot for me for my
birthday or for holidays. I like to be the ones
to surprise him, like look, I got you this. Like
(23:50):
I'll buy whoever I'm dating, I'll buy them a Father's
Day gift, even if they're not a father. What yeah,
because he's n daddy. So it's like, let's look, baby,
his Father's Days is my daddy? I bore you a girl.
It's actually I got something to tell you. Yes, to
(24:11):
find out would be like really technically, kis, I just
didn't want to say anything. I got to break it
to you. We talked about wooing like but in how
to please each other and really set the temperament. You know,
I think a lot of people are going through anxiety
right now. Right anxiety is heightened because the unknown. It's
(24:34):
a number of reasons, but the unknown like the untimely deaths.
The country is in a frenzy and stuff like that,
So we can't ignore that that's affecting our overall behavior,
you know what I mean. The paranoia is at all
time high and we're ingesting a lot of this, so
it's coming out in different ways, you know what I mean? Um,
(24:55):
how are you? How are y'all dealing with some of
the anxieties or the changes in your own house right now?
Like as as far as lead? Yeah, me, I'm a
person who I always have anxiety. Um, I always say this,
and I know you're probably tired of hearing me say this,
(25:15):
Like I'm a master social distancer even before this, but
I have to say, being like that gives you anxiety.
When you go out in the world, you know what
I mean, Like, when you're around people, it gives you,
it makes you paranoid, like you're always looking over your
shoulders from you know, isolating yourself so much. So I
(25:37):
just feel like I really hope that people don't come
out like that, like come out like me worried to
be around people because I can't lie. I naturally have anxiety,
but this is giving me more anxiety and not even worried,
just uncomfortable sometimes. Yeah, that's why people drink, I feel
like when they're in certain areas, And that's why, you
(26:00):
know what I mean, because it is like we have
come to a point of time where I think a
lot of people have kind of isolated themselves, like you said,
even before this, so then when you do get around
each other, it's kind of like almost make you stick
to your stomach because you're like, oh my god. People
everywhere like, oh my god, yeah, but you don't like
and I just felt like a lot I see a
(26:22):
lot more people talking about that anxiety and maybe now
they just have a word for it. But no, I
mean as far as beef people that maybe they didn't
know the word for it is what I mean. So
maybe now I'm seeing it a lot more because they
now know what that means and they're putting two and
two together. But I do think like you have to
(26:42):
take a moment, like I think what y'all said going
for walks and stuff like that. Really, don't you know
what I do a lot to I cook, so like
even like making new things like get doing new recipes
or something about that that kind of like you know,
it brings something out of me, like different, I know what,
kind of whatever. But it makes me happy a little therapeutic, yeah, therapy.
(27:04):
You know. What I found that has made me relaxed
a little more, which is good for me because I
probably should have been doing this is like X me no,
but no. But what I find is um, you know,
like staying busy in the house cleaning up or um.
(27:27):
You know, even even sitting down and praying. I know
it sounds crazy. I pray out loud, and it sounds
like I'm talking to myself, But I pray out loud
and I try to be quiet and meditate, and I'm
not gonna lie. It does make me feel calm. It
makes me feel a little more relaxed myself I've been
just making sure my diet is better. So I juice
(27:47):
every single day, and that definitely helps. What you put
in your body helps you mental. That always felt like
that and definitely, like you said, Larry, I make sure
that if I haven't been outside in a while and
the sun is out, I go on my back. All right,
I'll go for a walk. I just make sure that
I do those things, and I stay in contact with people.
Be a text message, just check in, say what's up,
(28:07):
you know, maybe call people. We've been doing face timing
and things like that, so I'm not just connected. See,
I find myself getting aggravated lately when my phone goes off,
and I know that's kind of like I'm trying to
get out of that because I think it's because I've
been working so much. Since we just work, yeah, like
and I know you you can't agree. Like, since we've
been home, I feel like more people have been asking
(28:29):
for interviews or for because they feel like, oh, well,
you're just home, doing you anything? Yeah, And I'm like,
I'm still working my full time job and two podcast
you know what I mean. But people don't think of that.
So every time my phone has been going off lately
Now I thought it's asking for money, but it seems
like it's always somebody asking me to do something or
for something. So now it kind of aggravates me to
(28:50):
the point where Saturday Antono's because she tried to call me,
I completely have my phone, like, do not disturb everything,
my messages, everything, like you can't tack me, because that
was also giving me, well, look at this, look at
the flips side of that. There are some people who
don't get a call at all, right, and I think
and and loneliness, and loneliness can lead to depression, you
(29:14):
know what I mean. And like, right now, a lot
of the calls and can they all tell you the
suicide I thought rate and the suicide rate is is
heightened right now because now you have a highway for
that anxiety to take another route, for that depression to
take another route, because now you don't even get a
(29:36):
chance to go, even if it was to go to
your local Starbucks. And that one person that you've seen
every day, you know, that becomes a part of your life.
Now that's removed. You realize you go to your you
go to your apartment building or your your home, and
you're like Damn. I really don't even know my neighbors
like that. But I could be dead in here for
two days and nobody just say nothing. You know what.
(29:58):
The other part of that that is that situational depression, situation,
situational anxiety right is upon us, right because people are
in financial peril. Right. So if if I'm stuck in
the house financially, you know, financially, I'm I'm losing. I'm
having issues with the stimulus, unemployment is not coming fast enough.
(30:22):
That's still not enough to cover my bills, right. Um, situationally,
I'm experiencing things that I didn't expect to experience or
and or I've never experienced before, right, and now I
can't do anything about it. There's not an active process
that I can engage in to help alleviate some of
that stress and anxiety. Right. So, individuals who okay, I'm
(30:47):
I'm I'm kind of walking my life and things are
going well. Now I kind of been smacked in the
face with something that I can't control. We're not getting
good answers about when things are gonna change, right all day. So,
now you know, I don't have a coping mechanism for that.
(31:08):
I've never had to deal with it. I don't know
how to cope with it, right, So what do I do?
You know, my thoughts are running rampant. I don't know
where I go from here? Right, How do I come
out of this? Well, maybe the easiest thing for me
to do is not exist anymore? Right, And and those
(31:29):
become soft ideas that become very hard, and they're not
just fleeting ideas that people have. Right. And that's already
on top of the people who already have those thoughts
on a consistent basis that they're fighting right because they
walk this earth feeling like nobody really cares if I'm
(31:49):
here or not. Maybe I'm someone that nobody calls and
they check up on. So that's a very real circumstance, right,
How my my, my girls? Who are I thought was
my girls? Damn they ain't really my girls like that?
My my dudes that maybe he really my dudes like
dude like that? You know what I'm saying. So it
could get really, really tough because we're not Loneliness and
(32:12):
depression sets in the truth. Your truth approaches you very
very fast. And that's that's a horrible feeling when you
have no idea how to deal with it. And that's
why it's important to check up on people who you
know aren't buy the You know, that's a really selfless
thing to do, Like let me just drop her message.
I haven't spoke to her in a minute, Like, you know,
(32:32):
I have a friend that's going through a really tough
divorce right now, and so I've been making sure I like,
hey girl, how are you doing, and just checking in
and just kicking with her, just because I know this
is not an easy time to have to go through something. Now,
I have what working on me and because you know
I did check on you also never I just tell me,
(32:52):
you can tell me you have me ill do not
to serve. I had anybody one last question before we
go for doc in the dude, um, so somebody emailed
this in. My wife and I have been together for
almost five years, and when we got together, she was
thick in all the right places and somewhat toned, flat stomach, etcetera.
Nash has gained almost a hundred pounds and when I
suggests better eating habits are just going for a walk,
(33:15):
she instantly gets angry and says I shouldn't care. I
love and care about my wife, So what should I do?
And let's keep it real. Right now people are oh man,
and they're gaining weight. Look, look, let's let's keep it real.
The fact is that, look, you, he didn't marry you
a hundred pounds. That's a whole another person. He did
(33:36):
not marry that, right, So if that's something you can control,
then it's up to you the control because first of all,
marriage is a contract between two people in the state,
it's a contract. So the terms in this contract too, right,
So if you're not living up to some of those
terms or they can't be amended, then that contract should
(33:57):
be broken. It can be broken. I feel like she's
getting angry. She's also getting angry because she probably knows
she probably wants to lose the weight, and maybe she
doesn't have a motivation. That's probably why she's getting angry,
not because she's just mad at him, but she's like,
yes to love me for who I am. You shouldn't care,
she said, you shouldn't care, And that's not true, but
(34:21):
that's what her words were. She said at the end
of I think that we're I think that that's where
kind of real and fantasy, right, don't go with each other. Right,
And this is a conversation that me and Kane to
have and I have with people and couples all the time. Right,
this idea that you know through sickness and health, right
(34:44):
that for better for worse, Right, we get all that obviously. However,
the reality is is that there are times when people's
attraction to each other changes, right, because we we we change, right,
The things that we enjoy may change over time. Right,
And if there are things that are within your control, right,
(35:05):
and there's a conversation to be had about it, it's
not it's not necessarily superficial. Right, it's just the way
that I feel. These are my thoughts. You can you
can label them whatever you want. But as Kinga said, listen,
we're in a relationship there, and there's a certain level
that we need to maintain for our health. Number One,
(35:25):
you gain a hundred pounds, that's not healthy. You're not
practicing you know, good health at all. That's number one.
Number Two, if I'm encouraging you to engage in a
different practice and you're not accepting of it, then we
need to identify what it's gonna take for you to
be accepting of it. Maybe I'm not the person that
(35:47):
should be the messages. Maybe we should seek out some
some assistance and some and some support in a different ways,
like why didn't you say like I would have been like,
come on, I'm gonna tell you why. I'm gonna tell
you why. Your mind is more powerful than you could
(36:10):
possibly imagine in this current state. Right if your mind
is telling you to do certain things, like you should eat,
then you will eat if you and vice versa. If
your mind is telling we have somebody very close to
us that had a very bad um illness and it
became very painful for her to eat, so her mind
(36:30):
told her it's too painful to eat, so she wasn't eating.
In a short amount of time, she lost an enormous
amount of weight. You know what I mean, But you
know your mind. If you don't, if you're not able
to engauge and have some degree of understanding of what's
going on in your mindset, then it can easily happen.
(36:50):
One hundred pounds, two hundred pounds. Nobody just imagined the
game we see those I don't want to add mind
two cents into this. This is why I tell man
all the time, don't marry a girl until she's in
her thirties, because you know she looks well. There's other
factors to people have child. Let's me get sick, you
(37:10):
know what I mean, unless you get sick. But that
people people deal with things mentally, sometimes physically. There's things
that might make you getting way. Sometimes there's medications that
Fred and their thirties bro Man spread as well, but
they spread nine. I don't know a man by. They
(37:33):
got a man by. They gotta listen. At the end
of the day, you gotta have a conversation, right, it all,
it all stems from all other communication all we have
and about what's going on. You might have some physical
issues that are lending that that lends itself to you
gaining a significant amount of weight, And I understand that, right,
and I'm willing to support you and help you with that.
(37:55):
But if you have home, eating Big Max and ship
all day, right, and we need to have a conversation
about what happens next, right, And I'm entitled to have
a feeling and an opinion. You may not like it,
like we are in the age of I'm not allowed
to have an opinion, right, and and that impacts everything
(38:20):
that we do. I have an opinion. I make a statement.
Now you want to shame me for it personally? Right,
social media is it's a landline of that ship. I
put some out there, right, somebody has an opinion. Now
that opinion, that opinion goes over the line. Personally, you're attacking.
Oh you're a hater. Damn. I just had an opinion, right,
(38:42):
I don't hate the person. I just felt like it
wasn't a good look. And if you put something out
there for public consumption, don't get piste off when the
public responds to it. I give you, I give your
perfect example. Right, the sister who the sister who like she?
I think you're saying, George that she does the weather,
and they were her clothes clothes, right, it's a very
(39:05):
attractive woman, you know what I'm saying. And then she
was like, well, I don't think people should be paying
attention to that, and unfortunately people are gonna pay attention
to that. So all right, you can feel the way
that you want to feel, but people have a right
to their opinion. And I was like, I feel her.
I'm with her on that. But then she posted a
(39:26):
picture of like, like her leg like a picture of
her leg down and I was like, well, if you
don't want people to be asking that way, no, why
would you do something like that? You know what I mean?
And so now when they were making such a big
deal lot of that, but have y'all seen the Colombian
and the overseas weather girls. We know, But anyway back
(39:55):
to this question originally, So now she's getting a hundred
pounds and you know, it could be the quession and
the more that he goes in on her about it
that could cause it. The more depression people do sometimes
to eat as a way to kind of comfort themselves
as well. So he also has what he also has
(40:15):
to understand is that as much jumping down and yelling
and screaming that he does, he doesn't control that other person, right,
So until she's to a point where it creates some
some issues or discomfort for her, then she's not gonna
make a move on it, right. Regardless of how hard
(40:36):
you push someone right, people kind of become frustrated with
the idea that me showing you that I care right,
and me being enthusiastic right, or me being demonstrative in
my tone is gonna lend itself to you getting up
off the couch and moving. I don't hear any of that. Like,
I'm in a space where I can't even hear what
(40:58):
you're saying. Right. It may look physically it looks like
you're yelling, but I'm not really hear what you're saying
because I don't feel that way. It's not uncomfortable to
me at that point. So the fact that it isn't
uncomfortable to me at that point, you have to practice
a level of patients and you have to check yourself
(41:18):
or not and identify what you're projecting on somebody else.
And you can try. You can you you you may
not do that, and it may lend itself to some
more frustration. Should it may lead lend itself to you
walking out the door. Because He's like, no doubt. At
(41:39):
the end of the day, you can control your all behavior, right.
We all control what we can, right, So it's we
we engage in relationships oftentimes to look to control what
the other person is doing. And that is one of
the that's another big issue. I can't control what you do,
So why why do I need to continue to try?
And I need to engage in the ongoing process to
(42:01):
tell me control what you can control? What you can
because I can't control what you do. Well for you, guys.
I know we have to wrap up now, but I
appreciate you. Now, How can people reach Docking the dude
if they have some questions our social media handles at
dog going to do at D O C and d
A d U d E. I know it, I'm gonna
say it again, but folks got trouble with the spelling
(42:24):
at D C d A d U D should I
have trouble with it sometimes? D dot in in the
letter and we got you Listen, We'll be checking back
in with you guys. So if anybody has questions, free
to hit us up and ask us because we're gonna
make sure that we can. People got questions for us,
and then they want we want they want us to
(42:45):
shoot it at y'all because I'm pretty sure people want
y'all opinion as well. Know you got the email emailers,
Dot gonna do one at gmail as well. Dot gonna
do the one at gmail. Dot calm. Well, thank you
all so much. I appreciate it. Dr Jasper, Dr Kendall,
jasper Kin and Jasper appreciate you guys always. Absolutely, Thank you,
(43:08):
Hi guy,
Host
Angela Yee
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