October 5, 2022 • 44 mins
IRL is back and we’re excited to bring you two new interviews a month. In this episode, Angie pivots from conversations surrounding mortality and superpowers to tap into a recent and defining real life life moment. Singer, Actress, Wife and Mother of 2, Kelly Rowland joins Angie to discuss generational trauma, risk, rejection and keeping your sanity through it all.
Their conversation about parenting styles and breaking generational cycles lead them both to unpack their lingering daddy issues. Kelly shares how a 23 And Me ancestry kit led her to connecting with her father and opens up the space for Angie to share her own recent experience of finding her biological father. These two women are able to hold up a mirror to each other that allows for an episode full of vulnerability and honesty.
After years of standing side by side with one of the world’s bigger stars, Kelly Rowland finally feels confident in her own light. And her light that shines so bright in this interview, you wont won’t to miss it.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Andre Martinez in Real Life podcast. This episode and conversation
is powered by I do say hi baby, thank you
for doing that always. You know, you're always have been
one of my favorites. You always say that, you literally
always say that. You know why because I mean it,
(00:21):
not like because I mean it's because I really mean it,
because I would say it to somebody else, Like if
somebody was sitting here, it was like, of all the
people in the game or the business that you've seen
over the years, I'm like, you would be on the list.
I don't know if I would have a list, but
you would be on the list because you've always been
so lovely and consistent and gracious and I've never seen
a bad energy or negative But what is that? How
(00:43):
do you do that? I don't know for that. I mean,
I do have bad days, I do have off days. Um,
I just I don't know. I think it's just from
being a kid and growing up in the industry and
always hearing like, you know, never let them see you
like that, you know what I mean, Because it doesn't
show grace, it doesn't show you know, just I mean,
(01:05):
sometimes it couldn't show an honest side. But it's actually not.
What if it's somebody's first time meeting you? Was what
I think always I think the same thing, And I
don't want somebody's first time me to need to be
a bad one, because that's based in you being person
that cares about feeling. It's true. And I've had like
(01:25):
encounters where I met people before and I'm like, wow,
that that wasn't great of an encounter. I don't want
anybody to say that about me. So yeah, And if
there is a flower or a moment where I have
had bad judgment or responded wrong or just went back
and even thought about it, I go back to someone
later and I'm like, yo, my bad. Really, Absolutely, you
(01:48):
have to have humility. I love the piece you did
with Holda about reconnecting with your dad, and that's what
I was thinking about doing this episode with you. I
was thinking about what an entry sting family experience that
you have had in your life. First of all, your
family is gorgeous. I saw Titan this morning like blindfolding
(02:09):
you to taste ice cream. Yes, Tim is great, Like
you have a beautiful family, but your family experience has
been different. Yes, would you say yes? Yes? Challenged at
some point? Absolutely? Absolutely, I mean with me growing up
with my mom, my dad been in and out of
(02:32):
my life. Um, meeting um the Nose family and having
this space of family, a new family, you know what
I mean, and still of course having my mom there
and having you know, my two moms and you know,
a father type figure there too, and then meeting my
dad later and you know, establishing as a mom or
as a mom already losing my mom after I have
(02:55):
my son. My husband being awesome, Um that he's really
a g for just helping me figure it all, you
know what I mean? Um, And that for me is
the biggest thing. I always want to figure it out
myself and he's always there to remind me, like you
(03:17):
don't have to. And that is a really big, big
blessing for me. That probably has to do with trust,
right because looking at you talk about having daddy issues
and abandonment issues, It's like, yeah, me too. By the way,
I haven't seen my father in some'th ten years old.
It took me to my adult life to be like,
oh shoot, I know it sounds cliche, but I have
(03:38):
trust issues. And this would be able to trust your husband,
trust your husband to help you and to lead you.
It could be a tricky thing, yes, and MPs like
I still have trust. You have to check what do
you do? What is the what is the problems you
need to I don't know, Like that's that's real talk
(03:58):
for me, you know what I mean? And that does
come from daddy issues. And the truth is that, like
I think, it will always rear its ugly head and
I have to literally be there to talk to that
specific part of my brain that's still healing itself, because
what do you say? Like for me, I'll literally ask myself,
(04:19):
is this the insecure you? Is this the trauma infused
seven year old you? Is this the trauma you know
what I mean? I have to ask myself, like which
part of this is showing? When do you ask yourself that?
Like in the middle of the middle, in the middle
of my frustrating tears, um pulled over to the side
from driving my car because I'm going through something. Yeah,
(04:42):
it's so funny because I had a moment like that
maybe the other day, and it was so funny. I
was like, why am I bucking right now? And so
I also connected it with spirituality because I always feel
like when we're so close to something big and great.
My view is like the enemy's definitely gonna be gunning
(05:02):
for you because you're you're so close to this big thing.
So I have to be able to clock it. I
have to be able to check myself, and I have
to be able to move past it. So that's literally
what happened. It was like one thought started and then
it was like another I'm not even joking, Angie, like
twenty happened, and then from twenty it was forty, and
(05:24):
then from forty I was like, oh my god, my
hands were shaking. I had tears in my eyes. I
was like, what just happened? And it's so funny because
like even before, I think the day before, somebody said
I just wish somebody would just show when they're having
a nervous breakdown. I was like, nobody has time to
pick up the phone, and I'm having it, you know
(05:47):
what I mean? Because they say that everybody does the
highlight reel, so when there are moments like this to
vulnerable and honest, like I have to be you know
what I mean. This happened days ago, so I had
the moment it and literally was like I am tripping.
I am tripping. Seth and I was about to go
and I get iron transfusions because my iron is low.
(06:09):
Sat there and I was like, oh, you're on the
brink of something big. Literally my smile goes whoop and
it turned and it literally from from tears to I'm
on the verge of something big. Why am I on
the verge of something big? Because I keep thinking about
all these big thoughts because I know I'm great, because
I know you know what I mean. Like I had
to like talk to myself and I realized, like everything
(06:34):
I tell my son, I have to be an example
of do you have triggers? Because when you have a
moment like that, I think I had a moment like
that the other day. I'm trying to think what my
trigger might have been. Maybe I just was doing too much.
If I don't give myself enough time to process thing,
and then you're like running on fumes, right, So like
if you're running on fumes, running on fumes and then
something happens, you're like down because things happen all the time.
(06:57):
So if you're that's me. And so it jumps from
that to okay, let's get the kids up, Titan, can
you can you start getting ready the whole hour later
he's doing this. I'm like, he's not listening, like mine
is not listening. That's a trigger. Might be our first shot.
(07:21):
That might be like, you know, you don't care about
how you didn't hear what I said in your seven girl,
if you don't get it together, And to him be
looking at me like maybe he's seven, and I'm like,
he's seven, but I'm like he should care about how
I feel. But then I'm literally going, Okay, maybe I
(07:44):
was seven. I take it back. I'm like, I was
seven when this happened and I wasn't hurt, So how
in the world is he seven. I'm experiencing this from
a seven year old and it's triggering me, and I'm
just spiraling out of control, like it all just goes
boo boo boo boo, you have nothing else left. It's
really interesting just what happens to us as kids and
(08:07):
then what we do to our kids. Yes, I always
just try to give myself grace by saying, like, because
I come from so my mother is the child of
a alcoholic, so her and her siblings had all these
issues as most people do from alcoholics. Then it comes
down to my generation. So then I'm like better because
I have my mother done work on herself so that
(08:28):
I'm better doing better than her. Yeah, she did a
lot of work on herself. Yeah, oh we love you, mom. Yeah,
I know she did a lot of work. So then
I'm better. I do. I'm doing better, right, I'm better
at communicating, I'm better at telling my feelings. I'm not
great at it, but I'm better. So my hope is
that then my kids are even better than me. So
even when I'm not perfect, I feel like I feel
(08:49):
like if we if I could just make sure that
I'm doing better than I feel like the next generation
and that's how we kind of break. I don't know
if that's true or not, but that it's something I
tell myself. No, I believe it is. It's like even
watching like gentle parenting right now, like I'm biting the
whole side of my mouth is wrong on general parenting,
which is just like don't yell at them, you know,
(09:11):
and like right when something happens, like have you seen
all these I mean, I no, no, no, ridiculous. I
love it and some of it makes sense to me
and some of it doesn't. And I respect it though,
because what general parenting is trying to do is break
(09:32):
the generational curse of talking at your kids and making
them feel seen and respected. And the first place they're
going to understand love and respect and self awareness is
in the home. You know, Like if Titan stumps up
the stairs, I'm like, I understand you're upset right now,
but that is very disrespectful. Maybe that's the right thing
(09:56):
I'm supposed to say. I'm literally trying to you know
what I mean. I was just taught if you stomp
up the stairs, and you gotta keep you arresting around here,
you know what I mean. It's like that where I'm
unlearning things that happened to me in my childhood with
my son. So it's like trial and era. It's get
(10:17):
it all the way right now. We don't get it
all the way right. I'm sure that our kids will
suffer someone because we like overcorrected and maybe they can't
deal with somebody yelling at them. Like there'll be some
type of effect. There's always, in fact, there's always an effect.
But I do keep it real with Tighten. You know,
he'll say, um, I'll say Tighten, Uh he did something,
(10:39):
and I said, son, I was like, I really really
want you to think about what happened, because that's not
like you what happened to make you feel that way?
And what like I'm asking all these like Sherlock Holmes,
investigating questions, trying to yes, trying to figure out what
the root of whatever it was that happened, and he does,
(11:02):
but I usually I noticed the best time to talk
to him is before bed and when we are playing
in the car. You don't like in the car. In
the car is great, and the car is good. The
car is great when he gets older too, because because
for teenagers this I read something about this so that
it's like when you're driving, if you're driving and they're
in the car, you're not like looking at them like
(11:23):
why did you do that? You're like there's like a
space enough for them to feel not attacked or not
like you're not on top of them. It's like a
comfort and just like I'm driving on this, I'm just
asking you this, why did you know? It just creates
a more, I don't know, calmer environment. That's something I
saw that somewhere. It's a great time for especially teenagers
where they're often like distracted or if you tell them
(11:44):
to sit at the table and like so they feel
like tight and nervous, and that makes perfect thin about it.
When he's a teenager, if this comes back up, you
can save it. I didn't even think about that right now.
I don't even want to think about him teenage and
these times are so crazy. I just want to prepare
him for them time. I know. So I watched you
on HOLDA with your dad. You hadn't seen him since
(12:09):
you were seven maybe eight? Wow? Yeah, and then as
a grown woman, you make this decision. What is the moment?
What is the trigger for you to think I want
to reconnect now? Did something happen? Did you just got kids? Well?
Kid at that kid, and you're going to think this
is really nuts. Whenever I really wanted him to swap
(12:31):
the side of his mouth, I could do the twenty
three and me things I really care about my Sure,
I'm trying to figure out all this stuff because I
want to know where we're from, Like you know what
I mean that all that kind of stuff means a
lot to me. So I was thinking about that, but
above anything, really thinking about like what a better time
(12:54):
to connect with him? And if he says yes, great,
if he says no, Great, I was okay with um.
You know, do you think he would have said no?
You just never know. But did it occur to you?
Did you think yes? So I'm watching your story and
maybe like so. A couple of years ago, I was
I interviewed evidences out of my radio show. She had
just been reunited with her grandfather. She was like, do
(13:15):
you have anybody in your family that She's like, I
have this guy. He finds anybody. I was like, no,
I said, I haven't seen my father since ten, but
I believe he's past. I've heard from people that grew
up in the neighborhood with him, and he was you know,
he was he had drug problems, and so it made
sense to me because I seen him since ten. He
was on drugs, must be dead, right, She was so, well,
(13:36):
wouldn't you like to at least see a picture? I said, sure,
I would like to see you know, I guess so
if you found one, okay, whatever, I'm thinking no, because
for a couple of times I had tried and come
up with nothing. Nobody had found anything. You had probably
had to do this process too, right, or you knew
where he was this whole time. You knew where he
was or you had somebody find him. And so two
days later I get a picture of my phone from
Evelyn Lozada of a picture of a man, and she says,
(14:00):
could this guy be your father? And I was like,
holy sh it, that is absolutely my father. Wow. He
is not dead. He does not appear to be on drugs.
He's like in shape, healthy, he's living in where you know,
in all right outside of Chicago. He's married, seems to
(14:20):
be healthy, is a member of a church. This was like,
this was right before my accident, so that was like
three But when my accident was November nineteen yees, So
I'm like freaking out as dead since ten, I'm I'm
now forty something years old, and like, there's a man,
there's a human being in the world, my father, that's
actually alive in the world. So but then I have
(14:42):
a bad car and I'm like, Okay, I think I'm
gonna maybe go meet him, see whatever, get some answers,
Like when he disappeared, that whole side of my family disappeared,
like so my aunt and my cousins was like gone,
like wiped out. So I grew up since I was
ten years old with that whole side of my family
being kind of like a mystery. So I had a
car act in it. So then I was just busy
on recovery. I'm trying to get better. I'm like, yeah,
(15:03):
I forgot all about it. Maybe I don't know. Two
years ago, when did you? When were you? I feel
like I don't know. I watched you, and I was like,
I wonder if our paths were like a line around
the same time. That's why I felt when I watched
you one hold, I felt so like I was watching
it like like this at the TV, like and how beautiful,
and that he said all the things you wanted him
(15:24):
to say. And I was so heeled from the car accident.
I was doing better. I was working. I was like,
you know what, now, it's probably something was coming. I
was getting inducted to the Radio Hall of Fame, so
I was going to Chicago for that. I was like,
I'm going to be in Chicago. Maybe this would be
a good time. Get a couple of saylo blah blah
blah blah. So the private investigator tells me, are you
(15:45):
sure you want to call yourself? Because people respond differently,
But in my mind, I'm like this woman got me
not breathing right now. I'm sorry. I'm sorry because in
my mind the way it occurred to you, like what
if he said no, it never occurred to me. In
my mind was thinking, he's going to be so happy
that I'm reaching out that I found him, because clearly
(16:07):
because I always had I always had grace and compassion
for him. I was like, he was on drugs, he
had a problem. I always kind of. And then I
think that led to if we connect what our parents
due to us to our lives. I thought, that's probably
why I'm I give people whoever. They are not always
good people, but I see good I see I see
oh something that something happened to you. That's why you're
(16:29):
like this. I don't see people as bad people. I
always give people, you know, So I think because that
I grew up that way. Anyway, So fast forward, UM,
so we called so he called. The wife knew nothing
of my existence. She didn't even know he had a child.
Um and I'll just say that he wasn't openly receptive
(16:54):
to connecting. Can make me to this day. Yeah, I'm sorry.
You know, I was worried that I was gonna I
was like, I haven't talked about anybody, so like, I'm
gonna tell Kelly, I hope I don't cry today, and
(17:15):
I would be so annoying. Crying is so annoying, you know.
But you know, sometimes you have to get things out
once or twice so you can talk about it without crying.
And I haven't done it yet. So I was like,
I know what's gonna happen today? Anyway, I know, isn't
that horrible? But I always gave him the grace of
like and I heard you say this about your father.
(17:37):
Maybe he didn't Um, he could only be what he
could be, like he wasn't capable and from whatever his
experiences were. But it shifted something in me for a minute,
and I think it was not good. H The same
way I say I always have grace for people, I
started being like, all of a sudden, super judgmentally about
people because I thought all these years I gave this.
(17:57):
I thought he was a drug addict. I feel bad
for him. I wasn't. I never had anger. Did you
ever have anger? Um? I think it came out in
some way some ways. I didn't have like anger towards him.
I always kind of gave him this thing so then
all of a sudden, I was like, oh, he wasn't
a drug addictated problems and couldn't He's like not a
good guy. Yeah. So then I start looking at everybody
(18:20):
in my life like, why are you here? You still?
You were going left, you were right? Why did you
do that? I started getting like it's not good either.
So I have worked on it. I feel like I'm
on the other side of that now, and I do
realize the original way that I've always left my life
is actually the better way to be, because it is
true everybody's experiences make them who they are. I think
(18:42):
that was just like the temporary, temporary reaction to deep disappointment.
It's rejection, Angie, that that sucks. Rejection sucks, and especially
when it's flowing through your veins like that, is super disappointing.
(19:03):
And I remember thinking about what if he doesn't respond?
So you even thought about that, I I don't even thought
about it, what if he doesn't respond? I remember walking
to meet him. My feet got heavy. I mean, he
showed up, but even still, like I had all these
things I wanted to say. I was going to go
in on this man. Why weren't you there? Why don't
you such a such I can't believe with you, like
(19:24):
I knew every and it was all spewing. You had
an anger. I kid you not. The moment I walked
in there, I saw his face, I saw how old
he was, I saw time. I said something said be quiet.
(19:45):
Mm hmm. I was quiet. I let this man talk
for two hours. Two hours he needed to get out
everything that he needed to get out, and he still
kept talking. And and then you know, it was like
certain things that he told me like fit the other
side of a part of a story that my mom
(20:05):
had told me, you know what I mean. But I'm like,
well that doesn't add up, and this part doesn't quite
make any sense. And why why why? You know? Did you?
Did you try to find me? You know? And he did.
But I realized in the course of that time of
my being mad at him, I also set boundaries up
for myself, Like I said, with me and the girls
would go on tour. I made sure to have a
(20:27):
meeting with the security guards, like if a man comes
to the gate and he says his name is this,
do not like I set up my boundaries because I
didn't know what was what he was going to bring
into my life, and I was like, I'm good right now.
So all that time, I'm protecting myself, you know what
I mean. But in all the time that I'm protecting myself,
I'm also going through the most tumultuous relationships choosing the
(20:51):
wrongest dudes to be around. That is part of the
that's what happened, That's what happened. So for you, like
so for me, my my version of the it's like,
so if I grew up without somebody who was there,
but I gave him grace. I would always pick guys
that I think subconsciously I knew would disappoint me, and
then when they did, I was almost like relieved, and
(21:13):
I was like, I knew that was gonna happen anyway.
I was almost like this bizarre, like I would choose
people I knew We're going to be a problem, right,
what is that? This is great? Just so much for
the disappointment over this. So I'm comfortable with this. I
know how this goes. So this is what I'm comfortable.
So this is what I choose. And then the other
side of that for me, well, how did it show
(21:34):
it for you? Because you would pick these terrible what
kind of like just um, just emotionally unavailable. It was
almost like we were both wearing the T shirt, but
I hadn't stamped on my forehead and they they had
it stamped everywhere. It looked like a damn cautious time
just wrapped up with tape. Do not inner here, I'm
emotionally unavailable, Do not inner here, I'm emotionally available. Like
(21:56):
I would see that all was it? Because you would
think if you broke them when you would try to
cut through. It was like, I don't know if it
was that as much as it was like I don't
know because I was also so young, you know what
I mean. So and I always gave men this whole
space to to put them on a pedestal too. That
(22:17):
was mine. I don't know what that is. I'm still
working that out, um, but mine they would be put
on a pedestal. And I think that a lot of
that was not knowing exactly who he was, you know
what I mean. So, like going into relationships was like,
I wonder what this is going to be. Like it's
almost like a during fairy tale and it's not a
(22:38):
fairy sale learning at all. But did you feel like
healing that because so for me, even though mine went
left and didn't necessarily wasn't like a happy ending. I
don't know, I feel like I know my I feel
like in my own relationship, I'm better now because I
realized some of the things that I wasn't good at
communicating or that I you know that, Yeah, you start
owning your stuff, and that's probably me. I probably did
(22:59):
that because I didn't you know, I didn't trust because
I didn't want to, right. And so then when you
find somebody that's willing to go through that with you,
that's pretty great awesome, Yeah, especially because they was so sweet.
He was like, I want to share my family with you.
When he comes that family, Oh my god, everybody's like,
I mean, if if anything, I always make this joke,
(23:20):
I'm like, oh my god, I'm the heathen of the family.
Everybody's like going to church. And his sister Dawn is
like the sweetest things is slidespread. His brother's incredibly awesome.
His mom is like Heaven. His mom is literally Heaven's great.
She's great. She's great and the best grandmother and just
(23:40):
a really great mom. We Ki ki and on the phone,
she's awesome. So yeah, Tim turned out really dope. You
did good, Mama. I think that's been a thing for you,
Like you really even though you've had in your own
family and stuff interesting different dynamics and you had to
do some healing. I mean, even the family you created
with the Noses. Yes, that was it was awesome. It's
(24:03):
a beautiful. Yeah, it was awesome. And we still have
each other to this day. It's like, yeah, to be
able to have this abundance of love and family is
really awesome. And it's so sweet because Tighten yesterday goes mommy.
He said, yes, son, He says, I want to have
a birthday dinner. He's like, with just our family. I
said okay, and he proceeds to say everybody, and he
says his cousins, and of course it includes being all
(24:25):
her families and his best friend who has become like family.
I always say, like, you know, you meet people as
you're getting older, and like his best friend, Cairo's mom
has become like a sister to me, you know what
I mean. So he sees honesty and truth and people
and wants them and his family. It's the sweetest thing.
That means you're doing good. That's like, what a great
(24:47):
thing to having your kids, your kids to be able
to have Ye, unbelievable. And how's things going with your dad? Now?
It's great? Really, yes, it's just like it's great. It's
it's so funny this appointments in it. I mean, here's
the thing. What's interesting is is he'll go days without
calling and I'm like, Dad, where were you? And He's like, oh,
(25:09):
I was at work, baby, I thought. And then he'll say,
I thought you forgot about me, and then his trauma
sets in and then he won't call me because he'll
think that I'm mad at him, and then or he'll
call me like I can't believe you ain't call me,
And that's just rude. You don't do your daddy like that.
I said, Daddy, this is um two side going and
(25:29):
you are? You called me too, just to check in.
You're still learning, that's the way. Yes, we're learning each other.
And he truth be told, doesn't know how to be
a dad, you know what I mean? And he told
he told me like his trauma with his dad and
his dad's dad. So they're all learning to like they
all experience that. How are you navigating through like like
(25:49):
for me? So this whole podcast is called in real
life because I had in the past, I had a
really good life, like not a lot of loss. I
had not no trauma. I never really had to anxiety
in that type of way that I had car acts.
And all of a sudden, I knew what anxiety was
and what trauma was. I knew what loss was. I
knew I had this thing with my dad that happened.
I called my dad, that's so nuts because he is, Okay,
(26:11):
my father father is probably that's fair, my biological father
is thinking of my biological father. But but then it
translates into my work and my career and my purpose
in my life. So I feel like I have figured
out a way for these life, real life experiences to
do what I love and also kind of intertwined them
(26:31):
in a weird way and have these conversations about these
experiences and share and all of that stuff. So I
wonder for you, because you have had a beautiful career.
I feel like you do what you want or just
getting started. Yeah, and I can write I aroady. I
mean I know some things, but like I don't know
what goes on in your real life. How has that
kind of seeped into creativity, creativity and work and your
(26:52):
career and your all the time. I mean in friendship
and motherhood big time, some of the business and stuff
that yeah, yes, yeah, certain things like I think about
more and have more of an understanding and care about more,
like not just for my kids, you know what I mean.
There's so many opportunities and moments that I'll get information
(27:14):
and I'm like, my community needs this information. How do
how am I able to get this to my community
and underserved communities to UM. So I think about it
in that aspect, and I'm working it out in that space,
UM and excited about that because I feel like we'll
get the last piece of information and it's too late,
you know what I mean, whether it's health, wellness, just
(27:37):
taking care of each other. I want to be better
at taking care of my community women, black and brown women, UM.
Just to make sure that we are coming together more
for not just concerts anymore, but not just about that anymore.
They're they're you know, we don't care about that. But
(27:58):
it's other things things, UM, that will preserve our lives
in the most beautiful way, whether it's laughter, um, in uh,
television and film. I feel like it's kind of like
bleeding into everything in the most beautiful way. So I'm
grateful for that. How important is your like when you
think about the scheme of life? In my first chapter,
(28:19):
we talked about the fact that we're all here on
like limited time, right, our life is limited time. I
don't know how important is your career in the scheme
of your life. It's my faith, my family, my friends
of course, Oh my career friends over career. I mean,
(28:40):
because my friends are more like family, so I call
it my family. So my family, I mean, my my
career is definitely at the top. Because you are a
driven woman. You've always been driven. Yes, yes, yes. I
mean if something happened to where there's like something crazy
big that I need to do and something is happening
(29:01):
with my kids, I'm out. I have to pull out
of it. I mean, something like that like recently happened.
It was an opportunity that I really should have taken.
Your team is laughing over there. It was big, It
must have been big. It was very accord, and I
was like, I'm gonna go home because Titan needs me,
(29:23):
and that's exactly what I did. I was like, Wow,
I'm gonna say goodbye to that. But it's gonna come
back in some sort of of course. It will, and
it was probably just a test. If it was a test,
it's cool I passed. I passed with flying colors, White Color.
But I've had the most amazing time being home with
(29:44):
my kids. And funny enough, from being home with my kids,
I've gotten four more ideas. Don't you feel like that
when you're like on the right. I always feel like,
if I'm doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing,
things just work out because you're on your path, they do.
What did Laurence say? What was the Lauren quote in
the first episode? She said, I just want to do
I don't want to miss my mark. I just don't
(30:06):
want to miss my mark. Whatever guy wants me to do,
I want to do that. Yeah, it was a bar.
I felt that so deep, like that is what I
need to be doing. And when you're on your mark,
it's just like you can't miss, you can't you won't miss,
especially because it's God's timing and you're like set up
in the perfect way that makes perfect sense. But it
(30:26):
was a bar, you know, you know, it's a bar
to your advice that j gave you when you decided
to meet your father. It was he said, love, it's
a risk and you'd have to decide. I was like,
I'm scared, But it was did you hear what happen when?
(30:49):
But what that is? Love? You know what I mean?
And it was, I do feel like what you did
was love? You still love past even a capacity in
which he good luck. Perhaps no, Angie, you did. I
don't know. I would like to say, I think I
had had curiosity. Of course I had interests. I had
(31:10):
interest in, like tying a bow. I didn't even know
if I wanted to take it past a cup of coffee.
I wasn't like looking to reconnect the way you I'm
talking about. I'm saying, to have the forgiveness of all
that you encountered with him and then reach out to him.
This is this is we're talking about a whole bunch
of stuff on the table, with the same kind of
stuff I went through, the abandonment, the unavailability, like the
(31:33):
list of trust. That list goes on and on and on,
and you still saw it in your gracious big heart
to say, excuse me, can I have a moment of
your time? In that moment, it wasn't even necessarily about him.
It showed what a big, glorious being you are. Sweet,
you know what I mean, Like that's really that's really
(31:55):
big of you. You you have forgiveness and granted his
actions afterwards were just pointing, but you still have the
capacity to call. Some people are just like I'm I
don't forgive you. I want to just I want to
rid you. I don't care what happens to you. You're
not You're not harboring that. No, I'm not harboring exactly.
But that's that's freedom. Yeah, you're right, you're right, Yeah,
(32:18):
you're right. Yeah, you're right. No, you're right. But I
also feel like some of it was self serving. I
don't want to act like I'm this big grace forgiving,
you know, for some of it was like closure and
freedom for me that I feel. I'm probably it's probably
too fresh too, you know, usually we talk about things
when you're on the other. Yeah, we talked about it,
(32:38):
like in a year when I could be like, you know,
what I learned from that? Because I know I believe
you learned something from every situation, and I know that
I haven't all the way resolved the end of that piece.
Yet it's a little weird to talk about something when
it's still kind of like yeah, fresh and unresolved. You know,
it's like you don't have that. So you know what
else I thought about, like when my dad I said
(33:01):
what I said, What if he doesn't want to meet
me because he doesn't want to in any sort of
shape or way revisit that part of his life. And
I can't help but to feel like, you know, even
that's something that they can't They don't want to turn
back and look look at you know what I mean,
because it just makes them it might trigger something. You
(33:23):
just don't know what what they're gonna feel, like how
it's gonna make them feel. He just didn't have the capacity,
but he in my case, I believe he probably doesn't
want to go back, Like how you said you were
worried about your father not wanting to go back. If
my father is living in a world where the woman
he is married to I didn't know he had a daughter,
(33:45):
didn't know he used to be a drug addict, a
heroin addict. The idea to him of having to open
up that box and be accountable if he hasn't done
the work, what does he have to offer me, So
I'll give him grace in that space he's not ready. Yeah,
(34:08):
it's much better for him in his space to sweep
it under the rug. It would just be much better. Yeah,
and that's okay. Why do you think your father was ready?
Did he do work? Did he do the work? So,
my dad, when my mom and dad were together, he
was an alcoholic, and I the last I remember from
him is that he was an alcoholic. So when I
(34:29):
saw him again and he didn't look like he was drinking,
and he was taking care of himself, and he told
me how when we met, he told me how long
he'd been like sober and what he was doing, and
he'd had this wife for this long. And he works
his job. He still works his job. My daddy still
works his job years old. He top flight security love.
(34:53):
So it's like, it's it's really dope that he um.
He did um too to tell me that he was
in a different place. He was excited to tell me
because my only memory of him was that he was
an alcoholic. And what a blessing that you gave that
to each other. Yeah, you know what I mean, especially
(35:14):
you said seventy six. Yeah, what a blessing for him.
It looks good, yea, so good. You got this from
somewhere he saw. But it's it's so many things. And
you don't know if I even said it the last time,
but my my dad said that my grandmother was a singer.
Do you know all that time I wonder where I
(35:35):
got singing from, where my voice came from. It was
from my grandmother. So I had this really beautiful moment
where sorry, at this really beautiful moment where he told
me my grandmother saying for Lena Horn and count Basie
and I was like what, literally looking at him like
you're kidding me. He's like, no, baby, Absolutely, he said
(35:58):
she used to spank my button and I was like what,
so I had Yeah, it was it was I love
that for you, me too, because my mama was like, no,
you got your singing from me, but your mama lied.
(36:19):
It's so funny because after I finished that interview, it
was almost like people wanted to keep talking about it
with me because they had their own experiences of estrangement
and family and stuff, and like this one girl pulled
me over to the side shout out to her and said,
how do you feel now? I'm so scared. I want
(36:39):
to reach out to my mom because her mom had
these personal issues. And she said, I haven't seen her
and I don't. When she just closed her eyes and
she clenched her fist, I was like, and I rubbed
her hands. I was like, you're really upset. I was like,
you gotta I get it, you're mad. You gotta let
some of that got on. I just rubbed her hands
and I just said, when you're ready, you'll do it.
(37:00):
That's good advice. Yeah, when you're ready to do it,
don't rush yourself. And she's like, but it's like you said,
each day is a promise. I said, it isn't. But
if it's supposed to happen, it's going to happen. And
I would tell that girl too. Even if you know
you have the Kelly roll, the Kelly Roland scenario, you
have the edge of Partina scenario. It could go either way.
It's the truth, but all you can really control is
(37:22):
how you deal with it and process it. For me,
I know that if I would have not done if
I would have never reached out and then five years
later got notification that he had passed, then who's that on?
That would have been on me, like why didn't I
I I? Whereas now I could be like, okay, God
(37:42):
bless him, Like I I could let go of that
from myself. So as somebody like that who has all
that stuff built up for their mom, it's like all
you can do is let it go so that you
could be free, yeah, and breathe, because like I think
that that's like some of our like tension, you know
what I'm me in our anxiety, and some of that
becomes toxic and then you start to have health problems,
(38:05):
and then you start to have heart problems. Like all
of it is like trickle effects. And women we are
different breeds. We carry every second, yes, and then we
give it to our children and then we give it
to our children. But that's why, like with black women,
I think that we lead the numbers and heart conditions.
(38:26):
We're making everything work. We're strong. That's that that thing
I hate that I think I hate that when I
strongly dislike that world, well, because why should you have
to be all the time? Yeah fair to anybody? It's
not so Yeah, that's there's the days where I just
want to cush you out, and days where I really
like you, and days where I need a moment to
myself these days where I gotta pull over on the
(38:47):
side of the road and grab my eyes out and
then turn my frownd upset down in real life, in
real life, real life. I love that you're so free
and so open and so willing to share your stories,
because I really do think that people us having real
conversations about things like this. People need it. We all
need it, We still need it, all of us needed
(39:09):
successful people, people have come up, kids, teenagers, people who
are dealing with hardcore trauma right now need to know
that they are not by themselves. You know. It's like
the only way we get that kind of community and
open up conversations is by opening up ourselves and sharing.
And so I love that you do that. Thank you.
I love that you've made a space for it. Thank you,
(39:30):
thank you. But what else do I want to let
the people know before you go? You made me cry
twice today. You're gonna have a show or something? You
have like a talk show coming or something because this
asked me about it. I don't know. Yeah, you're good
at it. You're good at it. Thanks. Sorry, Well, hello,
(39:53):
I've been doing this for a long time. You can multitest.
I can't get on the stage and dance around and
sing like I ain't get on the stage and dancing
around the lessons with me and Michelle and you know,
it takes. It takes a real fun time to bring
me out. I must say I loved you guys. It
was so much fun. How good was that moment? It
was so much And Kelly, You're so good. Thanks man.
(40:16):
It's something you know, we don't see you all the
time do that, so when we see a moment like
that and you're reminded, YEA, damn, she's good. The funny
thing is, it's like I had this moment where I
was like, I really love performing with the girls, and
like I had to think about it, like do I
love performing by myself. I like performing by myself a lot,
especially when I get the luxury of rehearsals and time.
(40:38):
But like, I love it with the girls. It's just fun.
It's also probably how I started. But I also think,
like it's like certain like stuff that we do is
silly stuff that we do. Maybe this it reminds me
that I'm in my teens. I'm like, oh, I was sixteen,
and you know what I mean, exactly, no bill and
(41:00):
responsibilities and kids and it's great. But I love my
kids and just make that very clear. Some people be like,
oh my god, she doesn't but everybody knows you love
your kids. Yes, I do. I love my kids. Um,
but what I will say is that like I love performing,
I do, it's just even more fun with the girls.
It's just we we we you know, we've seen beds well,
we see especially at that time when I saw you
(41:21):
guys together, we had seen be do this so much.
And I'm missing being performed, like we haven't seen her
performing house. But it's coming. It has I pray to
God it's coming. It's absolutely coming. I'm sure. I'm sure
it's how it's coming. I'm sure you know it's coming.
But as her friend and sister and then you get
on the stage together, I'm sure some of that is.
That's what the chemistry and the energy and the and
(41:42):
also having somebody that's that close to you that's that good. Yes, yes,
I mean that's how we naturally, but also work driven
and work ethic that has to I mean, you're driven to.
But I'm just saying that energy different, it's different, it's different.
It's like another whole beast like and it's so funny
(42:04):
because her being that focused in that space made me
come up in another space that I'm just as excited
about it. So I'm like, oh, I have to pay
attention to that much detail. I'll watched the way she works.
It's so and kept incredibly intricate. It's not it's something
that you're born with. You either have it or you don't.
And it's a really dope focus. And it's one of
(42:26):
the many reasons that makes her so fucking dope. Yes,
but what makes you so dope, and I think what
makes people fall in lover you is watching that, watching
you guys as kids, when you're standing next to someone
that has that type of drive and that type of
work ethic, and it's that bright. Not many people could
be as comfortable and secure and have their own light
(42:51):
as gracefully as you have done. Thank you, Thank you.
You have to know that right people have No I've
never heard it like that, and that is the biggest compliment,
and I really appreciate it. And I'm I'm finally comfortable
and confident in that light. And I think, like before
as a kid, Um, that's why I'm thanking you for
(43:15):
that compliment because before as a kid, I think that
sometimes you feel like maybe I should, you know what
I mean, sink a little, but you don't ever sink
for anybody. You stand straight, you put your head and
face forward, and you know exactly what you bring to
the table, because when you do, everybody else gets to
It's the light is bigger, the shine is bigger. You
(43:35):
You guys look better together. It's um and it's one
of the things I remember we were taught as kids,
like you know, we have to be We're stronger together.
So it's awesome. It's probably why I loved that moment
how much. Yeah, watch you and your life. Yeah, beautiful.
Keep that light going, baby, and you keep that Can
(43:56):
we do this again? Like a year when I fully resolved.
It's away and I'll probably have a new set of something.
God blesh you, God bless you. Kelly Province
Andre Martinez in Real Life podcast. This episode and conversation
is powered by I do say hi baby, thank you
for doing that always. You know, you're always have been
one of my favorites. You always say that, you literally
always say that. You know why because I mean it,
(00:21):
not like because I mean it's because I really mean it,
because I would say it to somebody else, Like if
somebody was sitting here, it was like, of all the
people in the game or the business that you've seen
over the years, I'm like, you would be on the list.
I don't know if I would have a list, but
you would be on the list because you've always been
so lovely and consistent and gracious and I've never seen
a bad energy or negative But what is that? How
(00:43):
do you do that? I don't know for that. I mean,
I do have bad days, I do have off days. Um,
I just I don't know. I think it's just from
being a kid and growing up in the industry and
always hearing like, you know, never let them see you
like that, you know what I mean, Because it doesn't
show grace, it doesn't show you know, just I mean,
(01:05):
sometimes it couldn't show an honest side. But it's actually not.
What if it's somebody's first time meeting you? Was what
I think always I think the same thing, And I
don't want somebody's first time me to need to be
a bad one, because that's based in you being person
that cares about feeling. It's true. And I've had like
(01:25):
encounters where I met people before and I'm like, wow,
that that wasn't great of an encounter. I don't want
anybody to say that about me. So yeah, And if
there is a flower or a moment where I have
had bad judgment or responded wrong or just went back
and even thought about it, I go back to someone
later and I'm like, yo, my bad. Really, Absolutely, you
(01:48):
have to have humility. I love the piece you did
with Holda about reconnecting with your dad, and that's what
I was thinking about doing this episode with you. I
was thinking about what an entry sting family experience that
you have had in your life. First of all, your
family is gorgeous. I saw Titan this morning like blindfolding
(02:09):
you to taste ice cream. Yes, Tim is great, Like
you have a beautiful family, but your family experience has
been different. Yes, would you say yes? Yes? Challenged at
some point? Absolutely? Absolutely, I mean with me growing up
with my mom, my dad been in and out of
(02:32):
my life. Um, meeting um the Nose family and having
this space of family, a new family, you know what
I mean, and still of course having my mom there
and having you know, my two moms and you know,
a father type figure there too, and then meeting my
dad later and you know, establishing as a mom or
as a mom already losing my mom after I have
(02:55):
my son. My husband being awesome, Um that he's really
a g for just helping me figure it all, you
know what I mean? Um, And that for me is
the biggest thing. I always want to figure it out
myself and he's always there to remind me, like you
(03:17):
don't have to. And that is a really big, big
blessing for me. That probably has to do with trust,
right because looking at you talk about having daddy issues
and abandonment issues, It's like, yeah, me too. By the way,
I haven't seen my father in some'th ten years old.
It took me to my adult life to be like,
oh shoot, I know it sounds cliche, but I have
(03:38):
trust issues. And this would be able to trust your husband,
trust your husband to help you and to lead you.
It could be a tricky thing, yes, and MPs like
I still have trust. You have to check what do
you do? What is the what is the problems you
need to I don't know, Like that's that's real talk
(03:58):
for me, you know what I mean? And that does
come from daddy issues. And the truth is that, like
I think, it will always rear its ugly head and
I have to literally be there to talk to that
specific part of my brain that's still healing itself, because
what do you say? Like for me, I'll literally ask myself,
(04:19):
is this the insecure you? Is this the trauma infused
seven year old you? Is this the trauma you know
what I mean? I have to ask myself, like which
part of this is showing? When do you ask yourself that?
Like in the middle of the middle, in the middle
of my frustrating tears, um pulled over to the side
from driving my car because I'm going through something. Yeah,
(04:42):
it's so funny because I had a moment like that
maybe the other day, and it was so funny. I
was like, why am I bucking right now? And so
I also connected it with spirituality because I always feel
like when we're so close to something big and great.
My view is like the enemy's definitely gonna be gunning
(05:02):
for you because you're you're so close to this big thing.
So I have to be able to clock it. I
have to be able to check myself, and I have
to be able to move past it. So that's literally
what happened. It was like one thought started and then
it was like another I'm not even joking, Angie, like
twenty happened, and then from twenty it was forty, and
(05:24):
then from forty I was like, oh my god, my
hands were shaking. I had tears in my eyes. I
was like, what just happened? And it's so funny because
like even before, I think the day before, somebody said
I just wish somebody would just show when they're having
a nervous breakdown. I was like, nobody has time to
pick up the phone, and I'm having it, you know
(05:47):
what I mean? Because they say that everybody does the
highlight reel, so when there are moments like this to
vulnerable and honest, like I have to be you know
what I mean. This happened days ago, so I had
the moment it and literally was like I am tripping.
I am tripping. Seth and I was about to go
and I get iron transfusions because my iron is low.
(06:09):
Sat there and I was like, oh, you're on the
brink of something big. Literally my smile goes whoop and
it turned and it literally from from tears to I'm
on the verge of something big. Why am I on
the verge of something big? Because I keep thinking about
all these big thoughts because I know I'm great, because
I know you know what I mean. Like I had
to like talk to myself and I realized, like everything
(06:34):
I tell my son, I have to be an example
of do you have triggers? Because when you have a
moment like that, I think I had a moment like
that the other day. I'm trying to think what my
trigger might have been. Maybe I just was doing too much.
If I don't give myself enough time to process thing,
and then you're like running on fumes, right, So like
if you're running on fumes, running on fumes and then
something happens, you're like down because things happen all the time.
(06:57):
So if you're that's me. And so it jumps from
that to okay, let's get the kids up, Titan, can
you can you start getting ready the whole hour later
he's doing this. I'm like, he's not listening, like mine
is not listening. That's a trigger. Might be our first shot.
(07:21):
That might be like, you know, you don't care about
how you didn't hear what I said in your seven girl,
if you don't get it together, And to him be
looking at me like maybe he's seven, and I'm like,
he's seven, but I'm like he should care about how
I feel. But then I'm literally going, Okay, maybe I
(07:44):
was seven. I take it back. I'm like, I was
seven when this happened and I wasn't hurt, So how
in the world is he seven. I'm experiencing this from
a seven year old and it's triggering me, and I'm
just spiraling out of control, like it all just goes
boo boo boo boo, you have nothing else left. It's
really interesting just what happens to us as kids and
(08:07):
then what we do to our kids. Yes, I always
just try to give myself grace by saying, like, because
I come from so my mother is the child of
a alcoholic, so her and her siblings had all these
issues as most people do from alcoholics. Then it comes
down to my generation. So then I'm like better because
I have my mother done work on herself so that
(08:28):
I'm better doing better than her. Yeah, she did a
lot of work on herself. Yeah, oh we love you, mom. Yeah,
I know she did a lot of work. So then
I'm better. I do. I'm doing better, right, I'm better
at communicating, I'm better at telling my feelings. I'm not
great at it, but I'm better. So my hope is
that then my kids are even better than me. So
even when I'm not perfect, I feel like I feel
(08:49):
like if we if I could just make sure that
I'm doing better than I feel like the next generation
and that's how we kind of break. I don't know
if that's true or not, but that it's something I
tell myself. No, I believe it is. It's like even
watching like gentle parenting right now, like I'm biting the
whole side of my mouth is wrong on general parenting,
which is just like don't yell at them, you know,
(09:11):
and like right when something happens, like have you seen
all these I mean, I no, no, no, ridiculous. I
love it and some of it makes sense to me
and some of it doesn't. And I respect it though,
because what general parenting is trying to do is break
(09:32):
the generational curse of talking at your kids and making
them feel seen and respected. And the first place they're
going to understand love and respect and self awareness is
in the home. You know, Like if Titan stumps up
the stairs, I'm like, I understand you're upset right now,
but that is very disrespectful. Maybe that's the right thing
(09:56):
I'm supposed to say. I'm literally trying to you know
what I mean. I was just taught if you stomp
up the stairs, and you gotta keep you arresting around here,
you know what I mean. It's like that where I'm
unlearning things that happened to me in my childhood with
my son. So it's like trial and era. It's get
(10:17):
it all the way right now. We don't get it
all the way right. I'm sure that our kids will
suffer someone because we like overcorrected and maybe they can't
deal with somebody yelling at them. Like there'll be some
type of effect. There's always, in fact, there's always an effect.
But I do keep it real with Tighten. You know,
he'll say, um, I'll say Tighten, Uh he did something,
(10:39):
and I said, son, I was like, I really really
want you to think about what happened, because that's not
like you what happened to make you feel that way?
And what like I'm asking all these like Sherlock Holmes,
investigating questions, trying to yes, trying to figure out what
the root of whatever it was that happened, and he does,
(11:02):
but I usually I noticed the best time to talk
to him is before bed and when we are playing
in the car. You don't like in the car. In
the car is great, and the car is good. The
car is great when he gets older too, because because
for teenagers this I read something about this so that
it's like when you're driving, if you're driving and they're
in the car, you're not like looking at them like
(11:23):
why did you do that? You're like there's like a
space enough for them to feel not attacked or not
like you're not on top of them. It's like a
comfort and just like I'm driving on this, I'm just
asking you this, why did you know? It just creates
a more, I don't know, calmer environment. That's something I
saw that somewhere. It's a great time for especially teenagers
where they're often like distracted or if you tell them
(11:44):
to sit at the table and like so they feel
like tight and nervous, and that makes perfect thin about it.
When he's a teenager, if this comes back up, you
can save it. I didn't even think about that right now.
I don't even want to think about him teenage and
these times are so crazy. I just want to prepare
him for them time. I know. So I watched you
on HOLDA with your dad. You hadn't seen him since
(12:09):
you were seven maybe eight? Wow? Yeah, and then as
a grown woman, you make this decision. What is the moment?
What is the trigger for you to think I want
to reconnect now? Did something happen? Did you just got kids? Well?
Kid at that kid, and you're going to think this
is really nuts. Whenever I really wanted him to swap
(12:31):
the side of his mouth, I could do the twenty
three and me things I really care about my Sure,
I'm trying to figure out all this stuff because I
want to know where we're from, Like you know what
I mean that all that kind of stuff means a
lot to me. So I was thinking about that, but
above anything, really thinking about like what a better time
(12:54):
to connect with him? And if he says yes, great,
if he says no, Great, I was okay with um.
You know, do you think he would have said no?
You just never know. But did it occur to you?
Did you think yes? So I'm watching your story and
maybe like so. A couple of years ago, I was
I interviewed evidences out of my radio show. She had
just been reunited with her grandfather. She was like, do
(13:15):
you have anybody in your family that She's like, I
have this guy. He finds anybody. I was like, no,
I said, I haven't seen my father since ten, but
I believe he's past. I've heard from people that grew
up in the neighborhood with him, and he was you know,
he was he had drug problems, and so it made
sense to me because I seen him since ten. He
was on drugs, must be dead, right, She was so, well,
(13:36):
wouldn't you like to at least see a picture? I said, sure,
I would like to see you know, I guess so
if you found one, okay, whatever, I'm thinking no, because
for a couple of times I had tried and come
up with nothing. Nobody had found anything. You had probably
had to do this process too, right, or you knew
where he was this whole time. You knew where he
was or you had somebody find him. And so two
days later I get a picture of my phone from
Evelyn Lozada of a picture of a man, and she says,
(14:00):
could this guy be your father? And I was like,
holy sh it, that is absolutely my father. Wow. He
is not dead. He does not appear to be on drugs.
He's like in shape, healthy, he's living in where you know,
in all right outside of Chicago. He's married, seems to
(14:20):
be healthy, is a member of a church. This was like,
this was right before my accident, so that was like
three But when my accident was November nineteen yees, So
I'm like freaking out as dead since ten, I'm I'm
now forty something years old, and like, there's a man,
there's a human being in the world, my father, that's
actually alive in the world. So but then I have
(14:42):
a bad car and I'm like, Okay, I think I'm
gonna maybe go meet him, see whatever, get some answers,
Like when he disappeared, that whole side of my family disappeared,
like so my aunt and my cousins was like gone,
like wiped out. So I grew up since I was
ten years old with that whole side of my family
being kind of like a mystery. So I had a
car act in it. So then I was just busy
on recovery. I'm trying to get better. I'm like, yeah,
(15:03):
I forgot all about it. Maybe I don't know. Two
years ago, when did you? When were you? I feel
like I don't know. I watched you, and I was like,
I wonder if our paths were like a line around
the same time. That's why I felt when I watched
you one hold, I felt so like I was watching
it like like this at the TV, like and how beautiful,
and that he said all the things you wanted him
(15:24):
to say. And I was so heeled from the car accident.
I was doing better. I was working. I was like,
you know what, now, it's probably something was coming. I
was getting inducted to the Radio Hall of Fame, so
I was going to Chicago for that. I was like,
I'm going to be in Chicago. Maybe this would be
a good time. Get a couple of saylo blah blah
blah blah. So the private investigator tells me, are you
(15:45):
sure you want to call yourself? Because people respond differently,
But in my mind, I'm like this woman got me
not breathing right now. I'm sorry. I'm sorry because in
my mind the way it occurred to you, like what
if he said no, it never occurred to me. In
my mind was thinking, he's going to be so happy
that I'm reaching out that I found him, because clearly
(16:07):
because I always had I always had grace and compassion
for him. I was like, he was on drugs, he
had a problem. I always kind of. And then I
think that led to if we connect what our parents
due to us to our lives. I thought, that's probably
why I'm I give people whoever. They are not always
good people, but I see good I see I see
oh something that something happened to you. That's why you're
(16:29):
like this. I don't see people as bad people. I
always give people, you know, So I think because that
I grew up that way. Anyway, So fast forward, UM,
so we called so he called. The wife knew nothing
of my existence. She didn't even know he had a child.
Um and I'll just say that he wasn't openly receptive
(16:54):
to connecting. Can make me to this day. Yeah, I'm sorry.
You know, I was worried that I was gonna I
was like, I haven't talked about anybody, so like, I'm
gonna tell Kelly, I hope I don't cry today, and
(17:15):
I would be so annoying. Crying is so annoying, you know.
But you know, sometimes you have to get things out
once or twice so you can talk about it without crying.
And I haven't done it yet. So I was like,
I know what's gonna happen today? Anyway, I know, isn't
that horrible? But I always gave him the grace of
like and I heard you say this about your father.
(17:37):
Maybe he didn't Um, he could only be what he
could be, like he wasn't capable and from whatever his
experiences were. But it shifted something in me for a minute,
and I think it was not good. H The same
way I say I always have grace for people, I
started being like, all of a sudden, super judgmentally about
people because I thought all these years I gave this.
(17:57):
I thought he was a drug addict. I feel bad
for him. I wasn't. I never had anger. Did you
ever have anger? Um? I think it came out in
some way some ways. I didn't have like anger towards him.
I always kind of gave him this thing so then
all of a sudden, I was like, oh, he wasn't
a drug addictated problems and couldn't He's like not a
good guy. Yeah. So then I start looking at everybody
(18:20):
in my life like, why are you here? You still?
You were going left, you were right? Why did you
do that? I started getting like it's not good either.
So I have worked on it. I feel like I'm
on the other side of that now, and I do
realize the original way that I've always left my life
is actually the better way to be, because it is
true everybody's experiences make them who they are. I think
(18:42):
that was just like the temporary, temporary reaction to deep disappointment.
It's rejection, Angie, that that sucks. Rejection sucks, and especially
when it's flowing through your veins like that, is super disappointing.
(19:03):
And I remember thinking about what if he doesn't respond?
So you even thought about that, I I don't even thought
about it, what if he doesn't respond? I remember walking
to meet him. My feet got heavy. I mean, he
showed up, but even still, like I had all these
things I wanted to say. I was going to go
in on this man. Why weren't you there? Why don't
you such a such I can't believe with you, like
(19:24):
I knew every and it was all spewing. You had
an anger. I kid you not. The moment I walked
in there, I saw his face, I saw how old
he was, I saw time. I said something said be quiet.
(19:45):
Mm hmm. I was quiet. I let this man talk
for two hours. Two hours he needed to get out
everything that he needed to get out, and he still
kept talking. And and then you know, it was like
certain things that he told me like fit the other
side of a part of a story that my mom
(20:05):
had told me, you know what I mean. But I'm like,
well that doesn't add up, and this part doesn't quite
make any sense. And why why why? You know? Did you?
Did you try to find me? You know? And he did.
But I realized in the course of that time of
my being mad at him, I also set boundaries up
for myself, Like I said, with me and the girls
would go on tour. I made sure to have a
(20:27):
meeting with the security guards, like if a man comes
to the gate and he says his name is this,
do not like I set up my boundaries because I
didn't know what was what he was going to bring
into my life, and I was like, I'm good right now.
So all that time, I'm protecting myself, you know what
I mean. But in all the time that I'm protecting myself,
I'm also going through the most tumultuous relationships choosing the
(20:51):
wrongest dudes to be around. That is part of the
that's what happened, That's what happened. So for you, like
so for me, my my version of the it's like,
so if I grew up without somebody who was there,
but I gave him grace. I would always pick guys
that I think subconsciously I knew would disappoint me, and
then when they did, I was almost like relieved, and
(21:13):
I was like, I knew that was gonna happen anyway.
I was almost like this bizarre, like I would choose
people I knew We're going to be a problem, right,
what is that? This is great? Just so much for
the disappointment over this. So I'm comfortable with this. I
know how this goes. So this is what I'm comfortable.
So this is what I choose. And then the other
side of that for me, well, how did it show
(21:34):
it for you? Because you would pick these terrible what
kind of like just um, just emotionally unavailable. It was
almost like we were both wearing the T shirt, but
I hadn't stamped on my forehead and they they had
it stamped everywhere. It looked like a damn cautious time
just wrapped up with tape. Do not inner here, I'm
emotionally unavailable, Do not inner here, I'm emotionally available. Like
(21:56):
I would see that all was it? Because you would
think if you broke them when you would try to
cut through. It was like, I don't know if it
was that as much as it was like I don't
know because I was also so young, you know what
I mean. So and I always gave men this whole
space to to put them on a pedestal too. That
(22:17):
was mine. I don't know what that is. I'm still
working that out, um, but mine they would be put
on a pedestal. And I think that a lot of
that was not knowing exactly who he was, you know
what I mean. So, like going into relationships was like,
I wonder what this is going to be. Like it's
almost like a during fairy tale and it's not a
(22:38):
fairy sale learning at all. But did you feel like
healing that because so for me, even though mine went
left and didn't necessarily wasn't like a happy ending. I
don't know, I feel like I know my I feel
like in my own relationship, I'm better now because I
realized some of the things that I wasn't good at
communicating or that I you know that, Yeah, you start
owning your stuff, and that's probably me. I probably did
(22:59):
that because I didn't you know, I didn't trust because
I didn't want to, right. And so then when you
find somebody that's willing to go through that with you,
that's pretty great awesome, Yeah, especially because they was so sweet.
He was like, I want to share my family with you.
When he comes that family, Oh my god, everybody's like,
I mean, if if anything, I always make this joke,
(23:20):
I'm like, oh my god, I'm the heathen of the family.
Everybody's like going to church. And his sister Dawn is
like the sweetest things is slidespread. His brother's incredibly awesome.
His mom is like Heaven. His mom is literally Heaven's great.
She's great. She's great and the best grandmother and just
(23:40):
a really great mom. We Ki ki and on the phone,
she's awesome. So yeah, Tim turned out really dope. You
did good, Mama. I think that's been a thing for you,
Like you really even though you've had in your own
family and stuff interesting different dynamics and you had to
do some healing. I mean, even the family you created
with the Noses. Yes, that was it was awesome. It's
(24:03):
a beautiful. Yeah, it was awesome. And we still have
each other to this day. It's like, yeah, to be
able to have this abundance of love and family is
really awesome. And it's so sweet because Tighten yesterday goes mommy.
He said, yes, son, He says, I want to have
a birthday dinner. He's like, with just our family. I
said okay, and he proceeds to say everybody, and he
says his cousins, and of course it includes being all
(24:25):
her families and his best friend who has become like family.
I always say, like, you know, you meet people as
you're getting older, and like his best friend, Cairo's mom
has become like a sister to me, you know what
I mean. So he sees honesty and truth and people
and wants them and his family. It's the sweetest thing.
That means you're doing good. That's like, what a great
(24:47):
thing to having your kids, your kids to be able
to have Ye, unbelievable. And how's things going with your dad? Now?
It's great? Really, yes, it's just like it's great. It's
it's so funny this appointments in it. I mean, here's
the thing. What's interesting is is he'll go days without
calling and I'm like, Dad, where were you? And He's like, oh,
(25:09):
I was at work, baby, I thought. And then he'll say,
I thought you forgot about me, and then his trauma
sets in and then he won't call me because he'll
think that I'm mad at him, and then or he'll
call me like I can't believe you ain't call me,
And that's just rude. You don't do your daddy like that.
I said, Daddy, this is um two side going and
(25:29):
you are? You called me too, just to check in.
You're still learning, that's the way. Yes, we're learning each other.
And he truth be told, doesn't know how to be
a dad, you know what I mean? And he told
he told me like his trauma with his dad and
his dad's dad. So they're all learning to like they
all experience that. How are you navigating through like like
(25:49):
for me? So this whole podcast is called in real
life because I had in the past, I had a
really good life, like not a lot of loss. I
had not no trauma. I never really had to anxiety
in that type of way that I had car acts.
And all of a sudden, I knew what anxiety was
and what trauma was. I knew what loss was. I
knew I had this thing with my dad that happened.
I called my dad, that's so nuts because he is, Okay,
(26:11):
my father father is probably that's fair, my biological father
is thinking of my biological father. But but then it
translates into my work and my career and my purpose
in my life. So I feel like I have figured
out a way for these life, real life experiences to
do what I love and also kind of intertwined them
(26:31):
in a weird way and have these conversations about these
experiences and share and all of that stuff. So I
wonder for you, because you have had a beautiful career.
I feel like you do what you want or just
getting started. Yeah, and I can write I aroady. I
mean I know some things, but like I don't know
what goes on in your real life. How has that
kind of seeped into creativity, creativity and work and your
(26:52):
career and your all the time. I mean in friendship
and motherhood big time, some of the business and stuff
that yeah, yes, yeah, certain things like I think about
more and have more of an understanding and care about more,
like not just for my kids, you know what I mean.
There's so many opportunities and moments that I'll get information
(27:14):
and I'm like, my community needs this information. How do
how am I able to get this to my community
and underserved communities to UM. So I think about it
in that aspect, and I'm working it out in that space,
UM and excited about that because I feel like we'll
get the last piece of information and it's too late,
you know what I mean, whether it's health, wellness, just
(27:37):
taking care of each other. I want to be better
at taking care of my community women, black and brown women, UM.
Just to make sure that we are coming together more
for not just concerts anymore, but not just about that anymore.
They're they're you know, we don't care about that. But
(27:58):
it's other things things, UM, that will preserve our lives
in the most beautiful way, whether it's laughter, um, in uh,
television and film. I feel like it's kind of like
bleeding into everything in the most beautiful way. So I'm
grateful for that. How important is your like when you
think about the scheme of life? In my first chapter,
(28:19):
we talked about the fact that we're all here on
like limited time, right, our life is limited time. I
don't know how important is your career in the scheme
of your life. It's my faith, my family, my friends
of course, Oh my career friends over career. I mean,
(28:40):
because my friends are more like family, so I call
it my family. So my family, I mean, my my
career is definitely at the top. Because you are a
driven woman. You've always been driven. Yes, yes, yes. I
mean if something happened to where there's like something crazy
big that I need to do and something is happening
(29:01):
with my kids, I'm out. I have to pull out
of it. I mean, something like that like recently happened.
It was an opportunity that I really should have taken.
Your team is laughing over there. It was big, It
must have been big. It was very accord, and I
was like, I'm gonna go home because Titan needs me,
(29:23):
and that's exactly what I did. I was like, Wow,
I'm gonna say goodbye to that. But it's gonna come
back in some sort of of course. It will, and
it was probably just a test. If it was a test,
it's cool I passed. I passed with flying colors, White Color.
But I've had the most amazing time being home with
(29:44):
my kids. And funny enough, from being home with my kids,
I've gotten four more ideas. Don't you feel like that
when you're like on the right. I always feel like,
if I'm doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing,
things just work out because you're on your path, they do.
What did Laurence say? What was the Lauren quote in
the first episode? She said, I just want to do
I don't want to miss my mark. I just don't
(30:06):
want to miss my mark. Whatever guy wants me to do,
I want to do that. Yeah, it was a bar.
I felt that so deep, like that is what I
need to be doing. And when you're on your mark,
it's just like you can't miss, you can't you won't miss,
especially because it's God's timing and you're like set up
in the perfect way that makes perfect sense. But it
(30:26):
was a bar, you know, you know, it's a bar
to your advice that j gave you when you decided
to meet your father. It was he said, love, it's
a risk and you'd have to decide. I was like,
I'm scared, But it was did you hear what happen when?
(30:49):
But what that is? Love? You know what I mean?
And it was, I do feel like what you did
was love? You still love past even a capacity in
which he good luck. Perhaps no, Angie, you did. I
don't know. I would like to say, I think I
had had curiosity. Of course I had interests. I had
(31:10):
interest in, like tying a bow. I didn't even know
if I wanted to take it past a cup of coffee.
I wasn't like looking to reconnect the way you I'm
talking about. I'm saying, to have the forgiveness of all
that you encountered with him and then reach out to him.
This is this is we're talking about a whole bunch
of stuff on the table, with the same kind of
stuff I went through, the abandonment, the unavailability, like the
(31:33):
list of trust. That list goes on and on and on,
and you still saw it in your gracious big heart
to say, excuse me, can I have a moment of
your time? In that moment, it wasn't even necessarily about him.
It showed what a big, glorious being you are. Sweet,
you know what I mean, Like that's really that's really
(31:55):
big of you. You you have forgiveness and granted his
actions afterwards were just pointing, but you still have the
capacity to call. Some people are just like I'm I
don't forgive you. I want to just I want to
rid you. I don't care what happens to you. You're
not You're not harboring that. No, I'm not harboring exactly.
But that's that's freedom. Yeah, you're right, you're right, Yeah,
(32:18):
you're right. Yeah, you're right. No, you're right. But I
also feel like some of it was self serving. I
don't want to act like I'm this big grace forgiving,
you know, for some of it was like closure and
freedom for me that I feel. I'm probably it's probably
too fresh too, you know, usually we talk about things
when you're on the other. Yeah, we talked about it,
(32:38):
like in a year when I could be like, you know,
what I learned from that? Because I know I believe
you learned something from every situation, and I know that
I haven't all the way resolved the end of that piece.
Yet it's a little weird to talk about something when
it's still kind of like yeah, fresh and unresolved. You know,
it's like you don't have that. So you know what
else I thought about, like when my dad I said
(33:01):
what I said, What if he doesn't want to meet
me because he doesn't want to in any sort of
shape or way revisit that part of his life. And
I can't help but to feel like, you know, even
that's something that they can't They don't want to turn
back and look look at you know what I mean,
because it just makes them it might trigger something. You
(33:23):
just don't know what what they're gonna feel, like how
it's gonna make them feel. He just didn't have the capacity,
but he in my case, I believe he probably doesn't
want to go back, Like how you said you were
worried about your father not wanting to go back. If
my father is living in a world where the woman
he is married to I didn't know he had a daughter,
(33:45):
didn't know he used to be a drug addict, a
heroin addict. The idea to him of having to open
up that box and be accountable if he hasn't done
the work, what does he have to offer me, So
I'll give him grace in that space he's not ready. Yeah,
(34:08):
it's much better for him in his space to sweep
it under the rug. It would just be much better. Yeah,
and that's okay. Why do you think your father was ready?
Did he do work? Did he do the work? So,
my dad, when my mom and dad were together, he
was an alcoholic, and I the last I remember from
him is that he was an alcoholic. So when I
(34:29):
saw him again and he didn't look like he was drinking,
and he was taking care of himself, and he told
me how when we met, he told me how long
he'd been like sober and what he was doing, and
he'd had this wife for this long. And he works
his job. He still works his job. My daddy still
works his job years old. He top flight security love.
(34:53):
So it's like, it's it's really dope that he um.
He did um too to tell me that he was
in a different place. He was excited to tell me
because my only memory of him was that he was
an alcoholic. And what a blessing that you gave that
to each other. Yeah, you know what I mean, especially
(35:14):
you said seventy six. Yeah, what a blessing for him.
It looks good, yea, so good. You got this from
somewhere he saw. But it's it's so many things. And
you don't know if I even said it the last time,
but my my dad said that my grandmother was a singer.
Do you know all that time I wonder where I
(35:35):
got singing from, where my voice came from. It was
from my grandmother. So I had this really beautiful moment
where sorry, at this really beautiful moment where he told
me my grandmother saying for Lena Horn and count Basie
and I was like what, literally looking at him like
you're kidding me. He's like, no, baby, Absolutely, he said
(35:58):
she used to spank my button and I was like what,
so I had Yeah, it was it was I love
that for you, me too, because my mama was like, no,
you got your singing from me, but your mama lied.
(36:19):
It's so funny because after I finished that interview, it
was almost like people wanted to keep talking about it
with me because they had their own experiences of estrangement
and family and stuff, and like this one girl pulled
me over to the side shout out to her and said,
how do you feel now? I'm so scared. I want
(36:39):
to reach out to my mom because her mom had
these personal issues. And she said, I haven't seen her
and I don't. When she just closed her eyes and
she clenched her fist, I was like, and I rubbed
her hands. I was like, you're really upset. I was like,
you gotta I get it, you're mad. You gotta let
some of that got on. I just rubbed her hands
and I just said, when you're ready, you'll do it.
(37:00):
That's good advice. Yeah, when you're ready to do it,
don't rush yourself. And she's like, but it's like you said,
each day is a promise. I said, it isn't. But
if it's supposed to happen, it's going to happen. And
I would tell that girl too. Even if you know
you have the Kelly roll, the Kelly Roland scenario, you
have the edge of Partina scenario. It could go either way.
It's the truth, but all you can really control is
(37:22):
how you deal with it and process it. For me,
I know that if I would have not done if
I would have never reached out and then five years
later got notification that he had passed, then who's that on?
That would have been on me, like why didn't I
I I? Whereas now I could be like, okay, God
(37:42):
bless him, Like I I could let go of that
from myself. So as somebody like that who has all
that stuff built up for their mom, it's like all
you can do is let it go so that you
could be free, yeah, and breathe, because like I think
that that's like some of our like tension, you know
what I'm me in our anxiety, and some of that
becomes toxic and then you start to have health problems,
(38:05):
and then you start to have heart problems. Like all
of it is like trickle effects. And women we are
different breeds. We carry every second, yes, and then we
give it to our children and then we give it
to our children. But that's why, like with black women,
I think that we lead the numbers and heart conditions.
(38:26):
We're making everything work. We're strong. That's that that thing
I hate that I think I hate that when I
strongly dislike that world, well, because why should you have
to be all the time? Yeah fair to anybody? It's
not so Yeah, that's there's the days where I just
want to cush you out, and days where I really
like you, and days where I need a moment to
myself these days where I gotta pull over on the
(38:47):
side of the road and grab my eyes out and
then turn my frownd upset down in real life, in
real life, real life. I love that you're so free
and so open and so willing to share your stories,
because I really do think that people us having real
conversations about things like this. People need it. We all
need it, We still need it, all of us needed
(39:09):
successful people, people have come up, kids, teenagers, people who
are dealing with hardcore trauma right now need to know
that they are not by themselves. You know. It's like
the only way we get that kind of community and
open up conversations is by opening up ourselves and sharing.
And so I love that you do that. Thank you.
I love that you've made a space for it. Thank you,
(39:30):
thank you. But what else do I want to let
the people know before you go? You made me cry
twice today. You're gonna have a show or something? You
have like a talk show coming or something because this
asked me about it. I don't know. Yeah, you're good
at it. You're good at it. Thanks. Sorry, Well, hello,
(39:53):
I've been doing this for a long time. You can multitest.
I can't get on the stage and dance around and
sing like I ain't get on the stage and dancing
around the lessons with me and Michelle and you know,
it takes. It takes a real fun time to bring
me out. I must say I loved you guys. It
was so much fun. How good was that moment? It
was so much And Kelly, You're so good. Thanks man.
(40:16):
It's something you know, we don't see you all the
time do that, so when we see a moment like
that and you're reminded, YEA, damn, she's good. The funny
thing is, it's like I had this moment where I
was like, I really love performing with the girls, and
like I had to think about it, like do I
love performing by myself. I like performing by myself a lot,
especially when I get the luxury of rehearsals and time.
(40:38):
But like, I love it with the girls. It's just fun.
It's also probably how I started. But I also think,
like it's like certain like stuff that we do is
silly stuff that we do. Maybe this it reminds me
that I'm in my teens. I'm like, oh, I was sixteen,
and you know what I mean, exactly, no bill and
(41:00):
responsibilities and kids and it's great. But I love my
kids and just make that very clear. Some people be like,
oh my god, she doesn't but everybody knows you love
your kids. Yes, I do. I love my kids. Um,
but what I will say is that like I love performing,
I do, it's just even more fun with the girls.
It's just we we we you know, we've seen beds well,
we see especially at that time when I saw you
(41:21):
guys together, we had seen be do this so much.
And I'm missing being performed, like we haven't seen her
performing house. But it's coming. It has I pray to
God it's coming. It's absolutely coming. I'm sure. I'm sure
it's how it's coming. I'm sure you know it's coming.
But as her friend and sister and then you get
on the stage together, I'm sure some of that is.
That's what the chemistry and the energy and the and
(41:42):
also having somebody that's that close to you that's that good. Yes, yes,
I mean that's how we naturally, but also work driven
and work ethic that has to I mean, you're driven to.
But I'm just saying that energy different, it's different, it's different.
It's like another whole beast like and it's so funny
(42:04):
because her being that focused in that space made me
come up in another space that I'm just as excited
about it. So I'm like, oh, I have to pay
attention to that much detail. I'll watched the way she works.
It's so and kept incredibly intricate. It's not it's something
that you're born with. You either have it or you don't.
And it's a really dope focus. And it's one of
(42:26):
the many reasons that makes her so fucking dope. Yes,
but what makes you so dope, and I think what
makes people fall in lover you is watching that, watching
you guys as kids, when you're standing next to someone
that has that type of drive and that type of
work ethic, and it's that bright. Not many people could
be as comfortable and secure and have their own light
(42:51):
as gracefully as you have done. Thank you, Thank you.
You have to know that right people have No I've
never heard it like that, and that is the biggest compliment,
and I really appreciate it. And I'm I'm finally comfortable
and confident in that light. And I think, like before
as a kid, Um, that's why I'm thanking you for
(43:15):
that compliment because before as a kid, I think that
sometimes you feel like maybe I should, you know what
I mean, sink a little, but you don't ever sink
for anybody. You stand straight, you put your head and
face forward, and you know exactly what you bring to
the table, because when you do, everybody else gets to
It's the light is bigger, the shine is bigger. You
(43:35):
You guys look better together. It's um and it's one
of the things I remember we were taught as kids,
like you know, we have to be We're stronger together.
So it's awesome. It's probably why I loved that moment
how much. Yeah, watch you and your life. Yeah, beautiful.
Keep that light going, baby, and you keep that Can
(43:56):
we do this again? Like a year when I fully resolved.
It's away and I'll probably have a new set of something.
God blesh you, God bless you. Kelly Province
Host
Angie Martinez
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