July 4, 2018 • 21 mins
If you're the boss, people will pay a ton of attention to your tone. Here's how to get it right.
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Speaker 1 (00:03):
My colleagues, We'll stop commenting on everything I get people
and meeting. Why does my coworker keep taking credit for
all my ideas? Have any wisdom for me? Hi? I'm
Alison Green. Welcome to the Aska Manager podcast, where I
answer questions from listeners about life at work, everything from
what to say if you're allergic to your coworkers perfume
to what to do if you drink too much at
(00:23):
the company party. Let's get started this week, I'm going
to do something a little different than usual. Earlier this year,
I did an episode of the show that was all
about tone, what kind of tone to use in turkey
conversations at work, with lots of examples to demonstrate exactly
what you should sound like when you're addressing something sensitive
(00:44):
or potentially awkward at work. That episode was actually one
of the reasons I was excited about launching a podcast
in the first place, because while I talk a lot
about tone on my website, it's hard to demonstrate tone
in writing, and this is a much easier medium to
do it in. It turned out to be a really
popular episode, and since then I've had requests from listeners
(01:06):
to do more episodes about tone in more specific situations.
For example, here is one letter that I got about this.
A listener wrote in and said, I wanted to ask
if you might consider doing a follow up podcast on
tone the boss can use for turkey conversations. I confess
that even now at director level, I still struggle with
getting tone right, like during a crucial conversation with my staff,
(01:29):
particularly if they've become defensive or otherwise reacting professionally. I've
beaten myself up after these tough interactions because I've either
overly softened or on the other end of the spectrum,
sounded like a stern or annoyed mom instead of an
objective boss. It would be so helpful if you could
give some tone demos for those of us in management.
(01:49):
So let's do it on this episode. Let's talk about
tone for managers. First, let's talk about it in general,
and then I'm going to go through some specific examples
and show you the tone that I'd recommend using in
a few different potentially tricky situations that you might run
into as a manager. Tone matters a ton when you're
a manager. Really, when you're a manager, people will read
(02:12):
into everything you do, and in some ways you're on
a stage because people will pay so much attention not
only to what you say, but also the energy you
give off. Your demeanor is going to carry a huge
amount of weight. If you're in a bad mood, people
will wonder if you're angry with them. If you're tired
and distracted, people will wonder if something bad is coming
(02:33):
down the pike that will impact them. So while tone
always matters when you're dealing with other people, it really
really matters for managers. If you have to have a
difficult conversation with an employee, let's say, delivering bad news
or giving critical feedback, your tone can be the thing
that makes the difference between the person walking away thinking Okay,
(02:54):
that was hard to hear, but I know what our
next steps are, versus them walking away demoralized and wanting
to hide under their desk for the rest of the day.
So again, tone really matters. And here's another important thing
to remember about being the boss, which also should affect
your tone. You have real power, which means that if
there is a problem with the people working for you,
(03:15):
it's very likely that you have the ability to fix it.
That means that you don't need to talk to people
in a way that shows frustration or anger because you
have the tools to fix the problem. If you think
about managers who yell in particular, they're typically doing it
because they don't know how to manage effectively. They don't
know how else to achieve whatever it is that they're
trying to do, whether it's getting feedback to stick or
(03:38):
ensuring a mistake doesn't keep happening, or whatever it is.
Because they don't really know how to get things done,
they feel desperate and frustrated, and yelling feels like the
only tool they have to get their point made. It's
the same thing with showing less intense forms of anger
and frustration with an employee too. The thing is, whenever
you talk to someone as their manager, there's always an
(04:00):
implied or else behind what you're saying. And I know
that sounds pretty tyrannical, But the weird irony is that
remembering that will usually make you sound less tyrannical, because
when you're confident in your authority to escalate the consequences
if you need to up to even firing the person,
if it turns out that's what you need to do,
(04:20):
you know that you have the tools you need to
get the results you need, and therefore should be able
to stay more calm. So that means that when you're
having a serious conversation with someone about concerns with their work,
you should be clear in your own mind that if
talking through the issues doesn't work, you have more options.
You can change assignments around, you can ask for work
(04:40):
to be redone, you can take the person off a project,
or require them to work with you or with someone
else to build their skills, and on and on, and
ultimately you can remove the person from the position if
things just aren't working out. So that means that you
have a huge amount of power to resolve problems, and
having it means that you don't need to feel helpless
or angry. Plus, sounding angry or frustrated is going to
(05:03):
make the whole interaction much more adversarial. So the majority
of the time you should sound kind and compassionate, because
that's the kind of manager you should want to be.
That doesn't mean that you can't hold people accountable to
a high bar. In fact, you have to hold people
accountable to a high bar. But you can do that
while still being kind. And I'll show you some examples
(05:24):
pretty soon. Now, where a lot of managers go wrong
is that in an effort to be kind, they end
up softening their approach so much their message is lost.
You don't want to do that, and ironically, it ends
up not being kind at all, because if your employee
misses the message that you're trying to deliver, they miss
the chance to learn what they need to do to
(05:46):
succeed at work, and in some cases maybe even what
they need to do to keep their job. So you've
got to make sure that you're being very clear. On
the other end of the spectrum, some managers get so
focused on the work that they need done that they
forget they're dealing with humans and they're overly brusque or
curt with people, which, if it happens enough, tends to
(06:07):
leave people feeling pretty demoralized and getting less and less
engaged with their jobs. So what is the tone that
you want. You want your tone to be calm, matter
of fact, and like you're looking for collaborative problem solving.
If you listen to my earlier episode on tone for
non managers, that was the same tone we talked about
(06:27):
there too, Calm, direct, collaborative problem solving. That's what you're
going for. Okay, let's talk about some specific examples of
times when tone will matter and what your tone should
sound like. I was looking back through past letters that
I've answered at the Aska Manager website to find examples
of times where tone was really important for a manager.
(06:50):
So let's run through a few of those. One thing
that comes up a lot is what kind of tone
to use when you're correcting someone. One example of this
is a letter that a manager sent to me about
an employee who was just constantly late to work at
least a couple of times a week. He'd have an
excuse every time, but it was happening enough that it
was impacting his work and his co workers. So I
(07:12):
advised her to lay out her expectations really clearly and
to just be a matter of fact about it. And
in doing this, your tone doesn't need to signal and
really shouldn't signal I think you're lazy or I'm annoyed
with you. You're just going for a matter of fact
expectation setting and an explanation of what you need, so
it could sound like this. I do understand that you've
(07:34):
had a lot going on recently, but I really need
you to be here consistently and reliably. Of course, things
will come up from time to time, but you've been
late once a week for months now. Going forward, I
need you to consistently be here on time and as scheduled,
unless it's a really rare circumstance. So again matter of fact,
(07:56):
calm and problem solving Mode's pause here for a quick break,
and I will be right back with many more examples.
Let's do another example. I had a letter from someone
who wanted to know how to correct people on little
(08:16):
things without making it into a bigger deal than what
was warranted. Tone is huge in doing that because your
tone can convey, hey, this is what I need, but
it's not a huge deal. For example, let's say someone
announces that they're heading out for a long, leisurely lunch
right in the middle of a time sensitive project that
you need them to finish up before they go. So
you would just calmly say, actually, I need you to
(08:39):
finish up X before you go, but maybe in half
an hour instead. Or if someone interrupts you in a meeting,
you can just say, let me finish what I'm saying
here and then we'll come back to you. Or let's
say someone says they're going to delay a project by
a few days because they need more time, and you're
not crazy about that idea. You could say something like,
(09:00):
I'd like to stick to the deadline we talked about.
If we can tell me what the hold it is
that you're running into, and let's see if there's another
way to solve things without delaying it. The idea is
that you're saying, actually no, but you're not making it
into a big fraught thing. You're just calmly asserting appropriate authority,
and you can be perfectly kind and friendly while doing it,
(09:21):
as long as you're clear about what you need. Okay,
let's do an example that involves someone with an attitude issue,
because that can be pretty aggravating. I had a letter
a while back from someone who's assistant kept resisting direction,
disagreeing with all her ideas, being rude, and generally just
sort of acting like she didn't realize that her boss
had authority over her. Sometimes, in a situation like that,
(09:45):
the most effective way to reinforce to someone that you
have authority is to really clearly exercise that authority. This
is a subtle difference in tone from the previous example
because you're making a point of emphasizing the subtext of
I am your boss. So, for example, when the assistant
argues with her about how she plans to proceed on
(10:07):
a project, the manager should look visibly surprised and say this, well,
I've actually made the decision to do X, so let's
talk about how we're going to move forward with that.
Or when the assistant is just running with an idea
without getting the manager's approval and it's something the manager
does need to approve, it might be this, well, let's
(10:28):
talk about that before you do anything definite with it,
because I want to hear more before I okay it.
So the idea is you're not sounding annoyed. You're just
calmly expressing that you have some authority here and you're
exercising it. But let's say she's rude when you correct
her or when you ask her to do something differently,
then you'd want to sound more concerned because that's a
pretty big deal. So you might sound like this, Hey,
(10:52):
your response here is concerning to me. I need to
be able to ask you to do things differently and
have you take that and stride is everything? Okay, So
you sound a little more concerned there, it sounds a
little more serious. Let's say you do that a few
times and you don't see a change, then you really
need to sit down and have a very direct conversation
about the pattern and about what's going on. So your
(11:14):
tone there is serious and concerned. Still in problem solving mode,
something like this. I want to talk about how we
work together. It's great that you have ideas, and I
don't want to discourage that, but I need you to
be clear on our roles on the projects we're working
on together. Ultimately, I need to make the decisions that
I think are best for my projects. And when I
(11:35):
make a different choice than the one you hoped i'd make,
I need you to roll with that, not argue or
be short with me. The same thing goes when I
need to correct your work. I need you to be
okay with that, not become snippy with me. And overall,
I need you to operate with the understanding that because
I'm managing these projects, I'm going to call the shots
on them. Does that make sense to you? So direct, straightforward,
(11:59):
can scerned, but still problem solving. All right, Let's do
another one that is also about a kind of weird
attitude issue. I had a letter from someone who had
taken a job managing a team that was already in place,
and some of the employees on the team seemed to
really resent having her as their new boss. They were
resisting assignments, questioning all her decisions, and generally undermining her.
(12:24):
In a case like that, it's especially important to stay
calm when you address it because staying calm will enforce
that you're the manager and you have control here. If
you sound scared or thrown off or frustrated or angry,
you're going to look less in control, and you definitely
don't want that when people are already trying to undermine
your authority, So you want to send really calm and authoritative.
(12:48):
Typically you would do this in stages. So the first
time that you address it, let's say it's someone pushing
back in your decisions all the time, you could calmly
say I'd be glad to explain why I assigned that
to Bob, but I'm getting the sense that you're skeptical
of my decisions in general. What's going on? And then
you listen with an open mind. But eventually you probably
(13:09):
say something like I'll definitely take your input into account.
But I am going to be making lots of decisions
and you might not agree with them all. And then
if it keeps happening, that's when you get more serious,
which might sound like we've talked about this before it's
continuing to happen. I value your work, but I need
someone in your role who's going to be a positive
(13:31):
presence on the team and raise concerns in a professional
manner and not cause tension like what happened in the
meeting today. I'd like you to think about whether that's
something you're willing to do in this new context. I
hope that you will. But if you think about it
and you decide this isn't for you, I'll support you
in that decision. But I want to make it really
clear that what you've been doing can't continue. Okay, let's
(13:53):
talk about an example where you are the one who
messed up. Let's say that you need to ask someone
to work late because a mistake that you made. You
want your tone to convey that you know this is
an imposition, you know it's on you, and you're sorry
about that. So it could sound like this, I misunderstood
our deadline for this project. I thought we had until
(14:14):
Monday to finish it, and it turns out that we don't,
and we actually need to send it out tomorrow to
make the deadline. This is acent on me, but can
I ask you to help me get it into workable
shape tonight. I know that's going to mess up your evening,
and I'm so sorry to ask it. I wouldn't make
the request if it weren't crucial. The tone there says
you're not taking it lately, You're not being cavalier with
(14:36):
people's time. You know you messed up, and you're asking
for help and fixing it. Let's take another quick break here,
and when I come back, I'll talk about tone and
some of the most serious conversations that you'll have as
a manager. Welcome back. We're talking about how to get
(14:57):
your tone right when you're the boss. Let's talk about
what your tone should sound like if your employee has
made a pretty serious mistake. Because this is one that
I think a lot of managers dread. It's important to
remember that in most cases, you really don't need to
sound like you're scolding anyone. These are presumably adults, and
scolding isn't really appropriate in an adult business. Relationship. Hopefully
(15:21):
that's a relief to hear, because who wants a job
where you have to scold people. Most of the time,
when something has gone wrong, you just need to talk
about what happened and why and how it will be
avoided in the future. Of course, if you find yourself
having to have a lot of these conversations with the
same person, you have a bigger issue, and in that case,
the pattern is the issue, and that's what you need
(15:43):
to address. But most of the time, especially with people
who are generally conscientious, you're just figuring out what happened
and making sure it won't happen again. For this sample
language here, I'm going to use some examples for my
Aska Manager book because it contains a bunch of these,
since it's all about what to say and difficult work situation.
So your employee made a serious mistake, you're sitting down
(16:04):
to talk about it. The first thing you want to
do is ask for their perspective so that you get
a sense of how they see the situation and has
seriously they're taking the problem. And who knows, maybe there's
something that you don't know that will change your assessment
of who made that mistake. So that might sound like this,
can we talk about what happened at the conference? I
(16:24):
know there was a lot of confusion over who was
speaking where, and some v I p s ended up
locked out of sessions they were supposed to be attending.
What happened there, So you're just genuinely soliciting information at
that point. Then if you don't get the sense that
the person recognizes how serious the mistake is, you address that.
But otherwise you can skip this step. That might sound like,
(16:47):
this is a pretty serious mistake. It reflects badly on
us two important people who were doing as a favor
by attending, and it makes us look like we don't
have our act together. And then ask how the person
will ofoid serious mistakes in the future. What are your
thoughts about what you could have done differently and what
you'll do differently in the future to make sure that
doesn't happen. That's it. That's the tone. There. There are times, though,
(17:12):
when something is such a big deal that a sterner
tone is appropriate. For example, if you have an employee
who's making racist or other bigoted comments, that's a time
when you should sound quite serious and stern. Here's an example,
whoa we value customers and employees of all racist and
religions here. I hope you don't really mean that, or
(17:33):
just hey, that kind of comment is not okay here,
or I want to be really clear that that kind
of comment is not okay here. I need you to
be respectful to people, regardless of their race or their religion.
Can you do that going forward? Another example of a
time where a stern tone is called for is if
you catch an employee in a lie. Of course, you
(17:56):
don't want to jump to assumptions, so you should start
by asking for their out of what happened and truly
be open to hearing it. So it might sound like this,
I'm really concerned that you told me that Jane knew
that you would be out yesterday and that she was
going to cover for you. But she says she didn't
know anything about it, so no one was there to
fill in what happened. And then, assuming the person does
(18:18):
not respond with an explanation that clears it up, you
might say something that sounds like this, I need to
be able to rely on what you say to me
and trust that it's correct. It's a really big deal
if I can't do that, because I would need to
be second guessing everything you say, and that's not going
to work for either of us. You've always done good
work here, and so I'm willing to give you the
benefit of the doubt that this was just a one
(18:38):
time lapse in judgment. But I do take it really seriously,
and I want to be clear how essential it is
that I need to be able to trust what you
tell me in the future. This can't happen a second time.
Since we're doing serious conversations, let's also do two of
the most serious, warning someone you might have to let
them go, and then actually letting someone go. In most cases,
(19:02):
these are times when you can and should sound compassionate.
Your message needs to be clear, but that means that
your words need to be very clear and very direct,
but your tone can still be kind and compassionate. If
you're warning someone that you'll need to fire her if
her work doesn't improve, here's what that might sound like.
(19:23):
I'm really hopeful that you're going to be able to
make the improvements we've talked about, but I want to
be transparent with you that these issues are serious enough
that if you don't show starring progress over the next month,
I would need to let you go, but I'm ready
to work with you however I can over these next
few weeks to help get your work to where we
need it, and I'm really hopeful that we'll be able
to so clear and direct, no hiding the message, but
(19:45):
the tone is sympathetic. And then if you do end
up needing to let the person go, use a very
similar tone something like this. We talked last month about
the benchmarks I would need you to meet in order
to be able to keep you in your job. I
do know that you've tried hard, but unfortunately I haven't
seen the improvements I need. We're now at the point
where we need to move forward with someone else in
(20:06):
the role, and so today will be your last day.
So again, very clear wording, no sugarcoating or dodging the message,
but a kind tone that recognizes that this isn't news
anyone wants to hear. Okay. So there are a bunch
of examples of tone for managers in different situations. I
hope hearing these out loud is helpful. I don't normally
(20:29):
make a big plug for my book on the show,
but if you have found this kind of sample language useful,
you might really like the Aska Manager book because it's
filled with sample language for all sorts of situations that
you might run into at work, and about a quarter
of it is specifically for managers. If you want to
check it out, it's called Ask a Manager, Clueless Colleagues,
Lunch Stealing Bosses, and the rest of your Life at Work,
(20:51):
and you can order it on Amazon or anywhere books
are sold. Okay, that's it for today. I'll be back
next week with our more traditional format where I'll talk
to a listener about a work issue they're facing and
give some advice. Thanks for listening to the Asking Manager podcast.
If you'd like to ask a question on the show,
email it to podcast at ask a Manager dot org.
(21:12):
You can get more ask a Manager at ask a
Manager dot org or in my book Ask a Manager,
Clueless Coworkers, Lunch Stealing Bosses, and the rest of your
life at work. They Ask a Manager show is a
partnership with How Stuff Works and is produced by Paul Deckan.
If you liked what you heard, please take a minute
to subscribe, rate, and review the show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify,
or Google Play. I'm Alison Green and I'll be back
(21:33):
next week with another one of your questions
My colleagues, We'll stop commenting on everything I get people
and meeting. Why does my coworker keep taking credit for
all my ideas? Have any wisdom for me? Hi? I'm
Alison Green. Welcome to the Aska Manager podcast, where I
answer questions from listeners about life at work, everything from
what to say if you're allergic to your coworkers perfume
to what to do if you drink too much at
(00:23):
the company party. Let's get started this week, I'm going
to do something a little different than usual. Earlier this year,
I did an episode of the show that was all
about tone, what kind of tone to use in turkey
conversations at work, with lots of examples to demonstrate exactly
what you should sound like when you're addressing something sensitive
(00:44):
or potentially awkward at work. That episode was actually one
of the reasons I was excited about launching a podcast
in the first place, because while I talk a lot
about tone on my website, it's hard to demonstrate tone
in writing, and this is a much easier medium to
do it in. It turned out to be a really
popular episode, and since then I've had requests from listeners
(01:06):
to do more episodes about tone in more specific situations.
For example, here is one letter that I got about this.
A listener wrote in and said, I wanted to ask
if you might consider doing a follow up podcast on
tone the boss can use for turkey conversations. I confess
that even now at director level, I still struggle with
getting tone right, like during a crucial conversation with my staff,
(01:29):
particularly if they've become defensive or otherwise reacting professionally. I've
beaten myself up after these tough interactions because I've either
overly softened or on the other end of the spectrum,
sounded like a stern or annoyed mom instead of an
objective boss. It would be so helpful if you could
give some tone demos for those of us in management.
(01:49):
So let's do it on this episode. Let's talk about
tone for managers. First, let's talk about it in general,
and then I'm going to go through some specific examples
and show you the tone that I'd recommend using in
a few different potentially tricky situations that you might run
into as a manager. Tone matters a ton when you're
a manager. Really, when you're a manager, people will read
(02:12):
into everything you do, and in some ways you're on
a stage because people will pay so much attention not
only to what you say, but also the energy you
give off. Your demeanor is going to carry a huge
amount of weight. If you're in a bad mood, people
will wonder if you're angry with them. If you're tired
and distracted, people will wonder if something bad is coming
(02:33):
down the pike that will impact them. So while tone
always matters when you're dealing with other people, it really
really matters for managers. If you have to have a
difficult conversation with an employee, let's say, delivering bad news
or giving critical feedback, your tone can be the thing
that makes the difference between the person walking away thinking Okay,
(02:54):
that was hard to hear, but I know what our
next steps are, versus them walking away demoralized and wanting
to hide under their desk for the rest of the day.
So again, tone really matters. And here's another important thing
to remember about being the boss, which also should affect
your tone. You have real power, which means that if
there is a problem with the people working for you,
(03:15):
it's very likely that you have the ability to fix it.
That means that you don't need to talk to people
in a way that shows frustration or anger because you
have the tools to fix the problem. If you think
about managers who yell in particular, they're typically doing it
because they don't know how to manage effectively. They don't
know how else to achieve whatever it is that they're
trying to do, whether it's getting feedback to stick or
(03:38):
ensuring a mistake doesn't keep happening, or whatever it is.
Because they don't really know how to get things done,
they feel desperate and frustrated, and yelling feels like the
only tool they have to get their point made. It's
the same thing with showing less intense forms of anger
and frustration with an employee too. The thing is, whenever
you talk to someone as their manager, there's always an
(04:00):
implied or else behind what you're saying. And I know
that sounds pretty tyrannical, But the weird irony is that
remembering that will usually make you sound less tyrannical, because
when you're confident in your authority to escalate the consequences
if you need to up to even firing the person,
if it turns out that's what you need to do,
(04:20):
you know that you have the tools you need to
get the results you need, and therefore should be able
to stay more calm. So that means that when you're
having a serious conversation with someone about concerns with their work,
you should be clear in your own mind that if
talking through the issues doesn't work, you have more options.
You can change assignments around, you can ask for work
(04:40):
to be redone, you can take the person off a project,
or require them to work with you or with someone
else to build their skills, and on and on, and
ultimately you can remove the person from the position if
things just aren't working out. So that means that you
have a huge amount of power to resolve problems, and
having it means that you don't need to feel helpless
or angry. Plus, sounding angry or frustrated is going to
(05:03):
make the whole interaction much more adversarial. So the majority
of the time you should sound kind and compassionate, because
that's the kind of manager you should want to be.
That doesn't mean that you can't hold people accountable to
a high bar. In fact, you have to hold people
accountable to a high bar. But you can do that
while still being kind. And I'll show you some examples
(05:24):
pretty soon. Now, where a lot of managers go wrong
is that in an effort to be kind, they end
up softening their approach so much their message is lost.
You don't want to do that, and ironically, it ends
up not being kind at all, because if your employee
misses the message that you're trying to deliver, they miss
the chance to learn what they need to do to
(05:46):
succeed at work, and in some cases maybe even what
they need to do to keep their job. So you've
got to make sure that you're being very clear. On
the other end of the spectrum, some managers get so
focused on the work that they need done that they
forget they're dealing with humans and they're overly brusque or
curt with people, which, if it happens enough, tends to
(06:07):
leave people feeling pretty demoralized and getting less and less
engaged with their jobs. So what is the tone that
you want. You want your tone to be calm, matter
of fact, and like you're looking for collaborative problem solving.
If you listen to my earlier episode on tone for
non managers, that was the same tone we talked about
(06:27):
there too, Calm, direct, collaborative problem solving. That's what you're
going for. Okay, let's talk about some specific examples of
times when tone will matter and what your tone should
sound like. I was looking back through past letters that
I've answered at the Aska Manager website to find examples
of times where tone was really important for a manager.
(06:50):
So let's run through a few of those. One thing
that comes up a lot is what kind of tone
to use when you're correcting someone. One example of this
is a letter that a manager sent to me about
an employee who was just constantly late to work at
least a couple of times a week. He'd have an
excuse every time, but it was happening enough that it
was impacting his work and his co workers. So I
(07:12):
advised her to lay out her expectations really clearly and
to just be a matter of fact about it. And
in doing this, your tone doesn't need to signal and
really shouldn't signal I think you're lazy or I'm annoyed
with you. You're just going for a matter of fact
expectation setting and an explanation of what you need, so
it could sound like this. I do understand that you've
(07:34):
had a lot going on recently, but I really need
you to be here consistently and reliably. Of course, things
will come up from time to time, but you've been
late once a week for months now. Going forward, I
need you to consistently be here on time and as scheduled,
unless it's a really rare circumstance. So again matter of fact,
(07:56):
calm and problem solving Mode's pause here for a quick break,
and I will be right back with many more examples.
Let's do another example. I had a letter from someone
who wanted to know how to correct people on little
(08:16):
things without making it into a bigger deal than what
was warranted. Tone is huge in doing that because your
tone can convey, hey, this is what I need, but
it's not a huge deal. For example, let's say someone
announces that they're heading out for a long, leisurely lunch
right in the middle of a time sensitive project that
you need them to finish up before they go. So
you would just calmly say, actually, I need you to
(08:39):
finish up X before you go, but maybe in half
an hour instead. Or if someone interrupts you in a meeting,
you can just say, let me finish what I'm saying
here and then we'll come back to you. Or let's
say someone says they're going to delay a project by
a few days because they need more time, and you're
not crazy about that idea. You could say something like,
(09:00):
I'd like to stick to the deadline we talked about.
If we can tell me what the hold it is
that you're running into, and let's see if there's another
way to solve things without delaying it. The idea is
that you're saying, actually no, but you're not making it
into a big fraught thing. You're just calmly asserting appropriate authority,
and you can be perfectly kind and friendly while doing it,
(09:21):
as long as you're clear about what you need. Okay,
let's do an example that involves someone with an attitude issue,
because that can be pretty aggravating. I had a letter
a while back from someone who's assistant kept resisting direction,
disagreeing with all her ideas, being rude, and generally just
sort of acting like she didn't realize that her boss
had authority over her. Sometimes, in a situation like that,
(09:45):
the most effective way to reinforce to someone that you
have authority is to really clearly exercise that authority. This
is a subtle difference in tone from the previous example
because you're making a point of emphasizing the subtext of
I am your boss. So, for example, when the assistant
argues with her about how she plans to proceed on
(10:07):
a project, the manager should look visibly surprised and say this, well,
I've actually made the decision to do X, so let's
talk about how we're going to move forward with that.
Or when the assistant is just running with an idea
without getting the manager's approval and it's something the manager
does need to approve, it might be this, well, let's
(10:28):
talk about that before you do anything definite with it,
because I want to hear more before I okay it.
So the idea is you're not sounding annoyed. You're just
calmly expressing that you have some authority here and you're
exercising it. But let's say she's rude when you correct
her or when you ask her to do something differently,
then you'd want to sound more concerned because that's a
pretty big deal. So you might sound like this, Hey,
(10:52):
your response here is concerning to me. I need to
be able to ask you to do things differently and
have you take that and stride is everything? Okay, So
you sound a little more concerned there, it sounds a
little more serious. Let's say you do that a few
times and you don't see a change, then you really
need to sit down and have a very direct conversation
about the pattern and about what's going on. So your
(11:14):
tone there is serious and concerned. Still in problem solving mode,
something like this. I want to talk about how we
work together. It's great that you have ideas, and I
don't want to discourage that, but I need you to
be clear on our roles on the projects we're working
on together. Ultimately, I need to make the decisions that
I think are best for my projects. And when I
(11:35):
make a different choice than the one you hoped i'd make,
I need you to roll with that, not argue or
be short with me. The same thing goes when I
need to correct your work. I need you to be
okay with that, not become snippy with me. And overall,
I need you to operate with the understanding that because
I'm managing these projects, I'm going to call the shots
on them. Does that make sense to you? So direct, straightforward,
(11:59):
can scerned, but still problem solving. All right, Let's do
another one that is also about a kind of weird
attitude issue. I had a letter from someone who had
taken a job managing a team that was already in place,
and some of the employees on the team seemed to
really resent having her as their new boss. They were
resisting assignments, questioning all her decisions, and generally undermining her.
(12:24):
In a case like that, it's especially important to stay
calm when you address it because staying calm will enforce
that you're the manager and you have control here. If
you sound scared or thrown off or frustrated or angry,
you're going to look less in control, and you definitely
don't want that when people are already trying to undermine
your authority, So you want to send really calm and authoritative.
(12:48):
Typically you would do this in stages. So the first
time that you address it, let's say it's someone pushing
back in your decisions all the time, you could calmly
say I'd be glad to explain why I assigned that
to Bob, but I'm getting the sense that you're skeptical
of my decisions in general. What's going on? And then
you listen with an open mind. But eventually you probably
(13:09):
say something like I'll definitely take your input into account.
But I am going to be making lots of decisions
and you might not agree with them all. And then
if it keeps happening, that's when you get more serious,
which might sound like we've talked about this before it's
continuing to happen. I value your work, but I need
someone in your role who's going to be a positive
(13:31):
presence on the team and raise concerns in a professional
manner and not cause tension like what happened in the
meeting today. I'd like you to think about whether that's
something you're willing to do in this new context. I
hope that you will. But if you think about it
and you decide this isn't for you, I'll support you
in that decision. But I want to make it really
clear that what you've been doing can't continue. Okay, let's
(13:53):
talk about an example where you are the one who
messed up. Let's say that you need to ask someone
to work late because a mistake that you made. You
want your tone to convey that you know this is
an imposition, you know it's on you, and you're sorry
about that. So it could sound like this, I misunderstood
our deadline for this project. I thought we had until
(14:14):
Monday to finish it, and it turns out that we don't,
and we actually need to send it out tomorrow to
make the deadline. This is acent on me, but can
I ask you to help me get it into workable
shape tonight. I know that's going to mess up your evening,
and I'm so sorry to ask it. I wouldn't make
the request if it weren't crucial. The tone there says
you're not taking it lately, You're not being cavalier with
(14:36):
people's time. You know you messed up, and you're asking
for help and fixing it. Let's take another quick break here,
and when I come back, I'll talk about tone and
some of the most serious conversations that you'll have as
a manager. Welcome back. We're talking about how to get
(14:57):
your tone right when you're the boss. Let's talk about
what your tone should sound like if your employee has
made a pretty serious mistake. Because this is one that
I think a lot of managers dread. It's important to
remember that in most cases, you really don't need to
sound like you're scolding anyone. These are presumably adults, and
scolding isn't really appropriate in an adult business. Relationship. Hopefully
(15:21):
that's a relief to hear, because who wants a job
where you have to scold people. Most of the time,
when something has gone wrong, you just need to talk
about what happened and why and how it will be
avoided in the future. Of course, if you find yourself
having to have a lot of these conversations with the
same person, you have a bigger issue, and in that case,
the pattern is the issue, and that's what you need
(15:43):
to address. But most of the time, especially with people
who are generally conscientious, you're just figuring out what happened
and making sure it won't happen again. For this sample
language here, I'm going to use some examples for my
Aska Manager book because it contains a bunch of these,
since it's all about what to say and difficult work situation.
So your employee made a serious mistake, you're sitting down
(16:04):
to talk about it. The first thing you want to
do is ask for their perspective so that you get
a sense of how they see the situation and has
seriously they're taking the problem. And who knows, maybe there's
something that you don't know that will change your assessment
of who made that mistake. So that might sound like this,
can we talk about what happened at the conference? I
(16:24):
know there was a lot of confusion over who was
speaking where, and some v I p s ended up
locked out of sessions they were supposed to be attending.
What happened there, So you're just genuinely soliciting information at
that point. Then if you don't get the sense that
the person recognizes how serious the mistake is, you address that.
But otherwise you can skip this step. That might sound like,
(16:47):
this is a pretty serious mistake. It reflects badly on
us two important people who were doing as a favor
by attending, and it makes us look like we don't
have our act together. And then ask how the person
will ofoid serious mistakes in the future. What are your
thoughts about what you could have done differently and what
you'll do differently in the future to make sure that
doesn't happen. That's it. That's the tone. There. There are times, though,
(17:12):
when something is such a big deal that a sterner
tone is appropriate. For example, if you have an employee
who's making racist or other bigoted comments, that's a time
when you should sound quite serious and stern. Here's an example,
whoa we value customers and employees of all racist and
religions here. I hope you don't really mean that, or
(17:33):
just hey, that kind of comment is not okay here,
or I want to be really clear that that kind
of comment is not okay here. I need you to
be respectful to people, regardless of their race or their religion.
Can you do that going forward? Another example of a
time where a stern tone is called for is if
you catch an employee in a lie. Of course, you
(17:56):
don't want to jump to assumptions, so you should start
by asking for their out of what happened and truly
be open to hearing it. So it might sound like this,
I'm really concerned that you told me that Jane knew
that you would be out yesterday and that she was
going to cover for you. But she says she didn't
know anything about it, so no one was there to
fill in what happened. And then, assuming the person does
(18:18):
not respond with an explanation that clears it up, you
might say something that sounds like this, I need to
be able to rely on what you say to me
and trust that it's correct. It's a really big deal
if I can't do that, because I would need to
be second guessing everything you say, and that's not going
to work for either of us. You've always done good
work here, and so I'm willing to give you the
benefit of the doubt that this was just a one
(18:38):
time lapse in judgment. But I do take it really seriously,
and I want to be clear how essential it is
that I need to be able to trust what you
tell me in the future. This can't happen a second time.
Since we're doing serious conversations, let's also do two of
the most serious, warning someone you might have to let
them go, and then actually letting someone go. In most cases,
(19:02):
these are times when you can and should sound compassionate.
Your message needs to be clear, but that means that
your words need to be very clear and very direct,
but your tone can still be kind and compassionate. If
you're warning someone that you'll need to fire her if
her work doesn't improve, here's what that might sound like.
(19:23):
I'm really hopeful that you're going to be able to
make the improvements we've talked about, but I want to
be transparent with you that these issues are serious enough
that if you don't show starring progress over the next month,
I would need to let you go, but I'm ready
to work with you however I can over these next
few weeks to help get your work to where we
need it, and I'm really hopeful that we'll be able
to so clear and direct, no hiding the message, but
(19:45):
the tone is sympathetic. And then if you do end
up needing to let the person go, use a very
similar tone something like this. We talked last month about
the benchmarks I would need you to meet in order
to be able to keep you in your job. I
do know that you've tried hard, but unfortunately I haven't
seen the improvements I need. We're now at the point
where we need to move forward with someone else in
(20:06):
the role, and so today will be your last day.
So again, very clear wording, no sugarcoating or dodging the message,
but a kind tone that recognizes that this isn't news
anyone wants to hear. Okay. So there are a bunch
of examples of tone for managers in different situations. I
hope hearing these out loud is helpful. I don't normally
(20:29):
make a big plug for my book on the show,
but if you have found this kind of sample language useful,
you might really like the Aska Manager book because it's
filled with sample language for all sorts of situations that
you might run into at work, and about a quarter
of it is specifically for managers. If you want to
check it out, it's called Ask a Manager, Clueless Colleagues,
Lunch Stealing Bosses, and the rest of your Life at Work,
(20:51):
and you can order it on Amazon or anywhere books
are sold. Okay, that's it for today. I'll be back
next week with our more traditional format where I'll talk
to a listener about a work issue they're facing and
give some advice. Thanks for listening to the Asking Manager podcast.
If you'd like to ask a question on the show,
email it to podcast at ask a Manager dot org.
(21:12):
You can get more ask a Manager at ask a
Manager dot org or in my book Ask a Manager,
Clueless Coworkers, Lunch Stealing Bosses, and the rest of your
life at work. They Ask a Manager show is a
partnership with How Stuff Works and is produced by Paul Deckan.
If you liked what you heard, please take a minute
to subscribe, rate, and review the show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify,
or Google Play. I'm Alison Green and I'll be back
(21:33):
next week with another one of your questions
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