February 27, 2025 • 64 mins
Harley has a hypothetical for her Father as she takes over the show. Kevin teases details of his next film. Plus: Beardless, Dickless Live?
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:23):
Welcome back the beardless, sickless me. I am the bearded one.
Speaker 2 (00:33):
I am ridiculous one.
Speaker 1 (00:35):
That sound you hear not masturbation.
Speaker 2 (00:38):
Oh my god, we're bad.
Speaker 1 (00:43):
The clarification, Yeah, well, because some people, you know, just
listen to the audio. They don't watch it. Like if
you're that Kevin Smith club, remember I givespith club dot com,
you can watch the show. But if you're just listening
you heard that, you might be like, this is holy inappropriate.
That's so true. One of them is fapping in front
of the other, and either way it's fucking crazy. Try
(01:09):
That's why I have to tell him that it was Walky.
I'm glad the dog was fapping and we were letting
her because she ain't gonna fucking loving her life. Let
me tell you something. Every time I bring WALKI to
the park, that milkshake brings all the boys to the yard,
big and small. They are not interested in Birdie, which
is like, you know how the stereotype of fucking men like,
(01:32):
oh they like young women and ship. There's fucking Birdie,
just new bile, prime, fucking of her life. Look at her,
you know, fucking like untouched and they have and she's unfixed.
Probably say unfixed as well, but none of it are interested.
Speaker 2 (01:55):
To be clear, you should.
Speaker 1 (01:56):
Be, but maybe maybe like they they just don't say
Walkie is fixed. And yet they'll all fucking their noses
are straight up brass. And then they go for the
jump and she's like, hey, Walkie is what dogs want?
Speaker 2 (02:11):
What he's got that thing thing about her?
Speaker 1 (02:14):
If you were a boy dog, you'd be like, I
want to FUCKI.
Speaker 2 (02:18):
Walk exactly exactly what I think about WUCKI She though.
Speaker 1 (02:25):
You could tell. Walkie's like, oh no, walk he's not interested.
She's like, I've been there. Men suck.
Speaker 2 (02:31):
She's been there, She's done that, and she doesn't want
it anymore.
Speaker 1 (02:34):
She's like, there's only one man in this world that
don't suck. And I'm sitting right here with me. He
brought me to the park. Wow, I'll be going home
with him as well.
Speaker 2 (02:43):
Wow.
Speaker 1 (02:44):
She adores me. Bertie though, on the other hand, also
adores me. But Bertie scared of every fucking dog at
the park. Boy dogs come over there, and she's like
she I literally watched her throw herself on her back,
feet up in the air, and it's like, bro, that's
how you get run, Like cover, ass and run and
(03:09):
ship or do what Wucky does, which is just like.
Speaker 2 (03:13):
I like Wucky style.
Speaker 1 (03:16):
I think it's it's it really is like I'm showing
my human you know, fucking bias here. But like blows
my mind that that's what dogs want, he asked German
brow They want a house frow and I get it.
We're not looking for frowline, fucking you know, fancy pants
(03:39):
of it. And they want a woman built like a
brick ship house. A bear they do. And every size big.
Speaker 3 (03:47):
Dog a little dog.
Speaker 1 (03:53):
I saw a little dog trying to hop up to
make it like trying.
Speaker 2 (03:56):
To get my god, Oh my god.
Speaker 1 (03:58):
He was like, here's him and here's her thing way
up here. He kept trying to jump up. It was
never going to connect. I'm never going to cow jump
over that moon.
Speaker 2 (04:07):
Oh my god. Okay, are we done now with this
section of the show.
Speaker 1 (04:14):
I just find it. I don't. I have no skin
in the game, but I'll be honest with you. I'm
kind of proud when the boy dogs are like hello,
I'm like, that's right, yeah, look at her, Yeah, recognizing
this is my dog, as if I had anything to
do with some respect on Loki's name according to the
new formula. Yes, this would be your show.
Speaker 2 (04:33):
It's my turn.
Speaker 1 (04:33):
You're in charge.
Speaker 2 (04:34):
It's my turn now.
Speaker 1 (04:35):
So I'm just going to crack open a frosty old beverage.
Speaker 2 (04:40):
Fresh can of Celsius at eight pm.
Speaker 1 (04:43):
We'll keep you up for hours and let you drive,
ladies and gentlemen, my only begotten child. Wow, the girl me.
Speaker 2 (04:52):
I thought, uh, I thought I'd bring back the hypothetical,
the hypothetical nation, bring back bitch.
Speaker 1 (05:00):
It never left.
Speaker 2 (05:01):
I asked gone every week.
Speaker 1 (05:04):
I know you're out of your mind.
Speaker 2 (05:05):
I wish it away every week.
Speaker 1 (05:07):
But this time you get to do it.
Speaker 2 (05:08):
Yes, all right, I just remember.
Speaker 1 (05:11):
Once you open the door to the hypothetical.
Speaker 2 (05:13):
No no, this is for you.
Speaker 1 (05:15):
I may be able to turn the table.
Speaker 2 (05:17):
No no, no, no, no no, this.
Speaker 1 (05:18):
Is my episode. There's a game when I was a kid.
And now that I think about it, since I'm rebuying
everything on eBay, I'm blowing Harley's inheritance on Buwwinkle toys.
Speaker 2 (05:27):
Yeah, thinks a lot.
Speaker 1 (05:29):
Tough ship makes me happy, make me happier than Bowinkle,
and I'll give you the money very but you're less.
You're You're not as expensive as old but winkles, you're
pretty cheap to buy. What the fuck a few bucks
at a Dickland shirt. You're like, oh my god, so
rude man, Where was I going with my originals? Oh?
Speaker 2 (05:51):
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (05:56):
There was a game, and this is relevant to your
interest because you're a Disney kid. There was a game,
a Haunted Mansion game that had in the floor turntables.
So when you roll the dice or spin the spinner
or whatever, you move onto it onto the board, you
would turn a handle and so your peace would move
(06:17):
to it. Completely different. Oh and I remember the commercial
was like, you know, can you escape the spinning spooks
or something like that. But in any event, in a
world where I keep buying like all that my childhood ship,
I'm gonna go put that in.
Speaker 2 (06:34):
Yeah, go look for that. Do something useful?
Speaker 1 (06:37):
Will you take over the show? Why don't you anyways
like to be encouraging, so you like to lead with
stick more than carrot?
Speaker 2 (06:50):
Okay?
Speaker 1 (06:50):
Hypothetical hypothetical What if you had a daughter that loved
to expected you? There's the hypothetical every day all right, hypothetical?
Speaker 2 (06:59):
Go I remember remember the elves?
Speaker 1 (07:03):
Yes to recap for those I may not remember the
elves are like, I don't go far that far back.
The elves wanted me to kill Austin.
Speaker 2 (07:16):
You were the elf king.
Speaker 1 (07:17):
I was the elf king. They just got Yeah, I
wound up. I was lost. Harley thought like, I ran away.
Speaker 2 (07:24):
You honestly died.
Speaker 1 (07:25):
Died, But really the elves took me and I became
the elf king. Yes, how do we get to the
broken pottery? That was my favorite part because it wasn't Austin.
Speaker 2 (07:37):
There was something about that there. You came back into
my life and I was like, where the fuck have
you been for six years? I had I had to
be with the elves. And then at some point the
elves tried to kill and I think successfully killed Austin.
Speaker 1 (07:57):
Well they were like take that broken.
Speaker 2 (08:02):
Right, of course, these elves, these are the elves.
Speaker 1 (08:07):
Price to pay for being their king.
Speaker 2 (08:09):
Yes, so these.
Speaker 1 (08:11):
Elves in questions, Yeah, for those who are like, I
don't get the good elves, No, no, no, they're pretty cruel.
Speaker 2 (08:19):
Well here's another price to pay.
Speaker 1 (08:23):
What am I What price am I paying?
Speaker 2 (08:25):
Well just wait a second.
Speaker 1 (08:26):
But I mean no, not what why am I paying
a price?
Speaker 2 (08:29):
Well, but I'm about to tell you.
Speaker 1 (08:32):
So I'm at first you got to tell me why
I'm in trouble, and then tell me what the price
I'm paying is. Yes, that sounds like that was your
original plan. Sounds like you're switching horses mid Street.
Speaker 2 (08:41):
But allow, no, I've got I've got a story written
out here.
Speaker 1 (08:45):
Seriously, yep, I'm ready to hear it.
Speaker 2 (08:49):
Are you ready?
Speaker 1 (08:49):
Yeah? You secured the Gentleman Story by Harley Quinn Smith
written on her phone. She's staring at him that Kevin
Smith dot Kevinsmith club dot com. You see her reading
from her phone because she wrote it down. I'm impressed anyway, over.
Speaker 2 (09:05):
You all right, readymady, you've secured your spot as the
elf king. So you you you've left hero, Yes, you
you are the king of the elves at this point.
Hundred of elves are depending on you because the elves
of this colony are sick. They're not well. A disease
(09:25):
has gone around, and yes, a plague if you will,
on my watch, on your wing exactly, and you are
the king. So that's what that's where, that's where the
problem was.
Speaker 1 (09:37):
That stops here. I'm not a blamer.
Speaker 2 (09:39):
If you don't help them, they will all unfortunately pass.
Speaker 1 (09:43):
That's what I got sucked dick or something.
Speaker 2 (09:45):
No, the elves are depending on you, though you are
the chosen one with the only antidote and the inexistence
to save the elves. The antidote you ask, every elf
must come and bite you once a day for a year,
drawing blood and leaving a scar every time. Your body
(10:06):
is completely raw by the end of it and covered
in elf bite scars. The elves are depending on.
Speaker 1 (10:15):
Nobody said that, did you said? The elves come and
they bite me.
Speaker 2 (10:20):
The elves present themselves.
Speaker 1 (10:22):
And hypothetical there is usually thrown across the table.
Speaker 2 (10:29):
There is none of that in mind.
Speaker 1 (10:30):
Fair enough, so I'm being bit.
Speaker 2 (10:32):
You are being bitten once a day by every elf
in the colony. There are thousands. They're small, but they
are mighty, and there are thousands. And every time they
draw blood because your blood is the antidote to their disease.
Speaker 1 (10:47):
Like mosquitos, yes, which I've been bit by many.
Speaker 2 (10:50):
Times, but much worse. It hurts.
Speaker 1 (10:53):
Mosquitoes tickle, though it's.
Speaker 2 (10:56):
More than a tickle. They draw blood.
Speaker 1 (10:59):
It was all I said. They don't tickle, Okay, so
it's more than a tickle. That's even more pleasurable.
Speaker 2 (11:04):
All right, they draw your Does it feel like.
Speaker 1 (11:08):
Does it feel like somebody giving me a needle?
Speaker 2 (11:10):
It feels like as if there was a little like
claw trap that grabs onto your skin, you know, like
a little metal little a little metal claw, little guy,
a little trap, A little trap a mouse not a
mouse trap like this trap.
Speaker 1 (11:33):
As if everybody knows that Jaws is in the.
Speaker 2 (11:35):
Snow jaw Jaws trap.
Speaker 1 (11:38):
So he's a little shark.
Speaker 2 (11:40):
Yeah, sure, they're little sharks.
Speaker 1 (11:42):
And I feel it.
Speaker 2 (11:44):
Oh you feel you pinch my hand?
Speaker 1 (11:45):
Show me what it feels like. Can you handle it? No?
But worse because I said.
Speaker 2 (11:54):
I'm not going to make you bleed right now, you
make me.
Speaker 1 (11:57):
Bleed later after the show and the camera are not
that's when.
Speaker 2 (12:06):
That's That's what I'm waiting for. Is the after show?
Speaker 1 (12:09):
Well, plasticles plus kids that Kevin Smith club dot com
and see. The shows are all about elder abuse as
a young normal to get to her, it's a lot quicker.
Speaker 4 (12:23):
It's about child abuse, and the after show is about
elder abuse. Pick your choices, all right, So the als
it feels like a shark bite.
Speaker 1 (12:35):
Yeah what wait? Not a big shark, a little shark,
A little rubber shark.
Speaker 2 (12:40):
No, not rubber, just a small shark, like a baby shark,
but has teeth.
Speaker 1 (12:45):
Oh baby baby, yeah, my heart, heart, heart heart, all right,
so a living baby shark.
Speaker 2 (12:57):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (12:58):
Did they pull flash?
Speaker 2 (13:00):
Try to me, they pull blood. They draw blood, so
more like.
Speaker 1 (13:04):
Like like a parasite. Yeah, they leave any germs in
me or anything like that. Oh yeah clean?
Speaker 2 (13:11):
Oh no, no, they're not clean.
Speaker 1 (13:12):
They say it like, oh yeah, they're.
Speaker 2 (13:14):
Not clean because they elves are. They're drawing blood by mouth.
Speaker 1 (13:18):
Right. Can I be like, you need a dental dam.
Speaker 2 (13:21):
No, that doesn't cure their disease.
Speaker 1 (13:24):
Stop the spread of many diseases.
Speaker 2 (13:27):
In the eighties, I know, not this one, not this one.
Speaker 1 (13:30):
I'm just saying it's time for the dental dam to
come back. Come back, not in these elves faces, not
for the elves. All right. So I'm getting a little infection.
Speaker 2 (13:40):
Every time, or yeah you are, and your body is
completely raw with bites. Basically, it just hurts to exist everywhere.
Speaker 1 (13:49):
I don't mean it hurts to exist as if it
does existential I know.
Speaker 2 (13:54):
Fuck now, it physically hurts to exist is in my mind.
Speaker 1 (14:01):
But now.
Speaker 2 (14:04):
Now it's all a little.
Speaker 1 (14:05):
Bit I've asked how you take that broken out? I
got you fuckers with the broken pottery and the jugglar kids. Right,
you are dirty.
Speaker 2 (14:14):
They're so violent. The elves are so violent, all right.
So the elves are depending on you to keep their
species from going extinct. Elves on Earth will completely vanish
from existence without your help. Okay, do you help them?
Speaker 1 (14:27):
What do they do? What do they bring to the table?
They just exist?
Speaker 2 (14:30):
They just they exist.
Speaker 1 (14:31):
They're not magical or no, they are. So what am
I getting out of this?
Speaker 2 (14:35):
I hate to be quel, you're their king about it,
but you're their king.
Speaker 1 (14:38):
Yeah, but you know they've kidnapped me in the first place. Yeah,
but you mean this is my chance for revenge? Fuck them?
You know what, Fuck these elves. They took me away
from my daughter for six years. Well, this is the
moment what I've been waiting for. I'm like, oh, now
you need me. Huh, give me the key. I am
out of here unless you give me that fucking key. Okay,
(15:00):
give the key. I'll let you suck a little my
blood the key. Kid like that you have. I was like,
track the bag and start stepping on them.
Speaker 2 (15:08):
Oh my god, that wasn't in the plans.
Speaker 1 (15:12):
Matter. Okay, that's my hypothetical. The mad at these elves.
They kept me from my fucking family, wife, queen of
some sort. No, right, no, and mom's at home. Mom's
at home on that fine goodness going to waste, just unserved.
Come on, I want my revenge. Man, I'm like Sweeney
(15:35):
Todd in this bitch you kidding me? I'm busting all
the pottery jugglers left.
Speaker 2 (15:41):
This is much to.
Speaker 1 (15:48):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (15:48):
No, the what you get in return is you you get,
you get magic. I'm kind of magic olf magic.
Speaker 1 (15:56):
See, I need details because this is these sketchy, specious
okay deals. That's how the devil fucks you. In every
literary story and maybe even in the Bible, I can't remember,
but you always got the devil, they say. The Devil's
in the details. So that's why I'm asking so many questions.
Speaker 2 (16:14):
Well, let me just continue on. So will you help
them or no?
Speaker 1 (16:19):
What kind of magic am I going to get?
Speaker 2 (16:22):
Like ELF's magic?
Speaker 1 (16:24):
All right? What does that mean? Can I make? Can
I understand what Bertie is saying? Yeah, so my magic
can translate Lucky and Bertie?
Speaker 2 (16:32):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (16:33):
What else can I do?
Speaker 2 (16:35):
Well, we'll get to that.
Speaker 1 (16:36):
Oh no, no, no, no, this is the important things
to know before I sign off on being bitten repeatedly.
Speaker 2 (16:42):
Well, because if you don't help out of the kindness
of your heart, uh huh, the elves have another method.
Speaker 1 (16:49):
In mind they're gonna take.
Speaker 2 (16:52):
The elves have the power to erase memories from humans.
If you don't help them, they will erase clerks from
the minds of all humankind. They will actually erase every movie, project, script, performance,
everything you've ever done, except for yoga hoss. You will
only be known as the filmmaker who made yoga hoss.
Except if clerks never existed, then I never exist. So
(17:14):
instead of Lily Rose and I, it is starring Drake
Bell or Drake Campagna and Logan Paul And everywhere you.
Speaker 5 (17:21):
Go, everywhere you go, yeah, people stare, daggers at you,
yell at you, even spit on the ground you walk
on because of yoga hosers. So what do you say,
elf bites in a career or dead elves and Drake Bell?
(17:41):
The choice is yours.
Speaker 1 (17:42):
I gotta tell you you didn't have to go any
further than clerks is erased from the minds of dot
dot dot.
Speaker 2 (17:52):
So basically, if you don't help them.
Speaker 1 (17:56):
Oh, I understand proposition quite clearly. You don't need to
review it for me. Yeah. No, they can. They can
eat me. I work too hard.
Speaker 2 (18:07):
Just remind you it's thousands of them biting you once
a day.
Speaker 1 (18:11):
For a year. All right, but I'm the king, right, Yeah? Well,
but by royal decree, three quarters of our population will
be cold.
Speaker 5 (18:22):
Oh my god, what's the purpose of keeping them alive?
Speaker 1 (18:28):
Then, as poor they can agree to get clean, shower,
wear dental days and provide me with no infection.
Speaker 2 (18:41):
You're turning around, I mean.
Speaker 1 (18:43):
Look, not for nothing, but I know how to deal
with the hypothetical.
Speaker 3 (18:49):
Damn.
Speaker 2 (18:49):
So you're just gonna call them like it was nothing.
Speaker 1 (18:52):
We're negotiating here.
Speaker 2 (18:54):
You have a release, You have special relationships with all
of them?
Speaker 1 (18:58):
I did, yes, Well, then they ought well they have
zero compunction about like biting. They do.
Speaker 2 (19:05):
They feel they cry every time they bite you.
Speaker 1 (19:08):
They feel my heart breaks for them, but my skin
is breaking for them more.
Speaker 2 (19:12):
They feel affected.
Speaker 1 (19:14):
Because they won't shower or whatever the fuck?
Speaker 2 (19:16):
So okay, what have the infection's gone? What if? What
if they cure the infection the magic.
Speaker 1 (19:23):
They take it off the table, all the gather Yeah,
I have about instead of curing it with their magic.
Since they have magic, it just never exists. A.
Speaker 2 (19:30):
Yeah, they don't. They don't actually get infected.
Speaker 1 (19:34):
I'd also propose that if they have magic, they could
also magic themselves.
Speaker 2 (19:37):
Well, no they can't. Why because your blood is the
only antidote.
Speaker 1 (19:42):
Yeah, but magic could do anything?
Speaker 2 (19:43):
No not in this case.
Speaker 1 (19:45):
Magic can't. Then why am I giving up anything from
magic that won't create a fucking cure for this problem?
Speaker 2 (19:51):
Because you could talk to Bertie.
Speaker 1 (19:55):
I would like to find out what Bertie. I am
very curious.
Speaker 2 (20:01):
I see that might be worth knowing, because then you
can have you can conversate with Walkie and Bird.
Speaker 1 (20:11):
You know they say like all good things come too late,
Like I wish I would have made this deal in
a heartbeat. I always want to know what.
Speaker 6 (20:19):
Thought, oh you mean came in great to me?
Speaker 1 (20:30):
Every bet you meant.
Speaker 2 (20:33):
Oh my god to me here one of the one
of the reviews said, I gotta find it.
Speaker 1 (20:43):
Maybe laught you read the reviews.
Speaker 2 (20:45):
Yeah, does he need to scream into the mic so much?
Yes to me, this one's for you, This one's for you.
D Hawk eleven, Dick.
Speaker 1 (20:59):
Hawk, I was told to get right into the fucking
mike to mean, who's I speaking to that listens to
the show in the regular and they're like, bro, get
your face in the fucking mic, facing the fucking make bruh.
I said, last week, right, I told you the story
of somebody being like Kevin pict your hair. Yeah, chuck
fucking love. After we recorded that show last week, then
(21:23):
I went to multi con in here in town. It
was down in a little Armenia or whatever. It was
right by home Depot. Oh nice, and it was a
lovely event and some people asked about you, and I
was like, she doesn't believe in charity? No, And then
(21:48):
at night I drove down to Covina to do a
show with Ralph Babylon Hollywood Bebylon. I've never been to Kvina.
You ever fuck with Covina?
Speaker 2 (21:57):
I don't think I've been there.
Speaker 1 (21:59):
How is it fucking all right? Man?
Speaker 2 (22:01):
Okay?
Speaker 1 (22:02):
Like I was like, where's this? Where the fuck they
got cool shops? Last strip malls and showing.
Speaker 2 (22:06):
Really I was. I was impressed with strips.
Speaker 1 (22:10):
And the club we went to. I do I come
from the land of strips. The club we went to,
the Laugh Factory in Covina, is a beautiful like old theater,
and they don't have like most of the comedy clubs
you do are like two hundred. They didn't have two hundred.
They were only one hundred and sixty seven seats, so
we sold that quick. But they have dynamic not dynamic pricing,
(22:32):
but ranged pricing. So you you know, if you go
see us at Flappers, it's like all one take a price.
This place charges more the closer you get. And two
of the fucking tables were on the stage with us.
Oh so if you look to your right, you know,
(22:54):
because me and Ralph sitting next to each other and
face the audience. If I looked at my right, there
was a table for two, a couple ofs to my
right on the stage with this wow far away but
still like right there on stage, and then too Ralph's
left was like a table of four, And that's a premium.
Speaker 2 (23:13):
What would you do?
Speaker 1 (23:14):
I would you? Would you if you were at a
comedy club and you're not like you're just you, I
ain't even gonna fuck it? Would you choose that table?
Speaker 2 (23:25):
I would never. I'd be as far in the back
as humanly possible. If nobody can say to.
Speaker 1 (23:30):
Me it's you know who's like your favorite community. It's
you know what, Steve Carell doing an evening as Michael Scott.
Speaker 2 (23:36):
Oh my god, a dream come true.
Speaker 1 (23:39):
Maybe I want to be clubs are going to be
right there on stage.
Speaker 2 (23:43):
If it was Steve Carrell doing a night of Michael,
I would absolutely purchase that table.
Speaker 1 (23:49):
I did find it like these people are brave, man,
like you never brave. Part of the fun of going
to a comedy club is you're anonymous in the audience
and you're looking up at somebody who's performing.
Speaker 2 (23:59):
Ship do you call people heckler?
Speaker 1 (24:06):
Oh? Well, heckler is the audience and stuff. Crowd work
is the term of art that refers to the comedian
interacting with their audience. It's become rather popular in the
last few years thanks to TikTok, and comedians like doing
it because you can't shoot your act and put it
up then people see it. So if you're like, hey,
(24:28):
where are you from, that's disposable material that's happening right
there that night, and if gold comes out of it,
you get a bunch of laughs. Then you just put
it up in your socials and stuff, because it's not
like that's going to be able. You're not gonna be
able to duplicate that at the next show, right, So
you could see why it's become popular, and it has
led to like comedians selling out and stuff like that,
(24:52):
and now there's a backlash against it where people are like,
look at tired of crowd work. Man, just do a
fucking show. I'm not the show.
Speaker 2 (25:00):
I would be so scared.
Speaker 1 (25:01):
I'm not that guy. I'm not. They've asked me to
do roasts. I can't do that ship. I can't. That
being said, I'm not going to say I'm the king
of crowd work, but as far back as I've been
doing stand up, that's all I did, and do traditional
stand up, I did crowd work. Q and A. Oh,
that's true, absolute crowd work. It relies wholly on the
(25:25):
audience of the conversation.
Speaker 2 (25:26):
The king of a Q and A, except the Q
and A is only one person gets to ask their
question and then you talk the whole time and then
nobody else. That's what you said.
Speaker 1 (25:44):
So yeah, I feel like, never mind all that ship.
Let me tell you this, what's up. I think I
got some gigs us. Yeah, against it. If it was
before the fiftieth show, you ready for this?
Speaker 2 (26:06):
Oh god, right, here's yeah.
Speaker 1 (26:10):
Well, comedy club in a college town I've played before,
Jay has played it apparently recently. They were relatively new
and he had a great success. A small venue, it's
like one hundred and twenty or something. But they were like,
do you think Kevin would ever come? And I was like, well,
(26:33):
I like the town that it's in. I can't give
details yet, so I was like, I would definitely think
about doing it. So they reached out. Jordan was like,
do you want to do shows there? And I was like, yeah,
how many shows? She's like seven? Oh my god. Well
it's like a Thursday two and a Thursday too, and
a Friday too, and a Saturday. Maybe one on a
Sunday or whatever. I was like, let me just do
(26:54):
two nights. Do Friday night, Saturday night? Two shows per night?
Speaker 2 (26:58):
Is it in this state?
Speaker 1 (27:00):
No, you'd have to get on a plane to go someplace.
Increases the chances of it selling out. Why because here, well,
number one, we live in Los Angeles, and nobody gives
a fuck in Los Angeles. Nobody wants to pay for
anything because you get everything for fucking free. True, and also,
you know, fucking what they come see us to a podcast.
But yet you could walk outside and like, well, god,
(27:22):
there's fucking Taylor Swift and fucking that football dude. Famous
people are everywhere. Diamond doesn't. But when you go to
a college town or some town that's not fucking Los Angeles,
like just picking randomly out of the air, Eugene, Oregon?
Speaker 2 (27:37):
Is that it?
Speaker 1 (27:38):
I said, just picking it up the air? Eugene, Oregon
where they shot Animal House?
Speaker 2 (27:46):
Is that the town in question?
Speaker 1 (27:47):
Do you know? I know Oregon the entire state. I know, Well,
we're friends in high school.
Speaker 3 (27:54):
It exists.
Speaker 1 (27:55):
We kind of fell out, but like I'd like to
get to know again. Yeah. So basically it would be
like four shows. I would do you and I would
do the early show, and then I would do solo
the late show. Okay, I get to see how you
are in front of a live audience. Now it's gonna
(28:16):
be different, and also like not for nothing, but you
might want to talk to Jay first and be like
your father's tough in a live show because they ain't
like this all fucking Lucy Goosey and shit where it's
just like all right, then what happens after I fucking
get bit buddy. Oh you know, let's say you're doing
it in the audience. Just this is like I went
(28:37):
back to the elves so tired. Why do we pay
for the show? It's better for free at Oh my god,
that's what I'm saying. So here there's no audience, so
you just do whatever you want and shit like that
could lead to very funny flights of fancy. When you're
on a stage, the dynamic of the show changes based
on the audience because suddenly it's all about those laughs,
(29:00):
because that's how the easiest way for you to know
how you're doing right, Like people laughing. It's like, oh
my god, we're killing this is great if you go real,
you know, people if they do that at all. And
when I go real, I tend to do it deeper
into the show. Once everybody's like laughing, I feel like,
all right, I got everything, and then I got this
(29:21):
under control. Let me fucking throw them a curveball. My
curve ball lately has been like, you know, two years
ago from right now, I was in a loony bin
blah blah blah, stuff like that, and you watch the
audience like fucking tighten up, Like there's sphincters be like, wait, what,
I don't want to it is real, I don't know.
But then you know, you make it okay for them
and stuff like that and start making jokes. So for
(29:45):
years me and MOJ did some mydcasts in a room
just like this, and then we finally took it live
one day and the show completely changed. And I'm not
saying for the better or for the worse. It just
the live shows are different beasts than the home shows
because there's a bunch of people sitting there not watching you,
(30:08):
but letting you know how you're doing. So, I mean,
it doesn't make it scary or anything. It just means
that when you come, you come loaded for bear. Like
you see how you wrote down that thing? Yeah, you
write down four hundred things so that if something's not working,
you could always pull something else up and be like,
(30:30):
oh what about that? Like, because that's what Jay learned
to do over time and stuff. It was like, you
should bring a notebook and write down shit so that
when you're up there you'll never run out of shit.
To say, he took me very seriously, but it's fun,
especially when you win the audience and you're just fucking
making them laugh, and then you feel like a god
(30:51):
because you're like, I control their emotions. I can make
them so happy just by saying something inflecting it like this,
Now I can bring joy. I'm in control emotions. You
are much you are my pup. It's it's there's no
(31:13):
better feeling in the world. It's intoxicating. As you want that.
You've been in front of an audience as a person
who does this ship and goes there, but you've also
been in front of an audience talking as well. Q
and A's are at the podcast we've done.
Speaker 2 (31:26):
I feel like I used to introduce you all the time. Yeah,
as a kid, but like during yoga, hosers got too.
I remember quite a few times I did. I roasted
you one time we went to Comic Con.
Speaker 1 (31:41):
Why I wrote you out of the will, Yeah that
makes sense. I gave everything to Nana Pop.
Speaker 2 (31:49):
Your other children.
Speaker 1 (31:50):
Yeah, man, fucking look, you'll have it easy. You'll have
a man you know why why you can just fucking
tag up easy layups against your old man fine youth
rules and everybody hates old people so true. Now it's
full of old people. So but that's your other way
to win.
Speaker 2 (32:08):
I thought it was a college town.
Speaker 1 (32:10):
It's college town. Who do you think is gonna come out? Well,
that's the thing. The dynamic could be different. Normally, when
I go out there, I'm sitting next to some other
old fucker and we're surrounded by old fuckers, and maybe
they bring their kids. Maybe if they've gotten their kids
into the shit. But you could change everything. It is
a college town. Some people might just come to be like, well,
he's got a daughter and she's not fucking fifty.
Speaker 2 (32:32):
You got a point.
Speaker 1 (32:34):
Or people might just come out of freak curiosity like.
Speaker 2 (32:37):
Ew beardless, tickless me.
Speaker 1 (32:40):
Eh, it's a father and a daughter talking to each other.
How is that even a show? It sounds like a punishment.
I got to check this out. Then you gotta be
charming as fucking win them over, and.
Speaker 2 (32:50):
Shit, I can try my best.
Speaker 1 (32:53):
Sorry, your best is not good enough for you to do.
Speaker 2 (32:59):
Nice?
Speaker 1 (33:01):
But would you like to U you think you're ready
to do this in front of people? I think you're
ready for feeling it. You feel what you feel like.
I am not confidence chip off the old block.
Speaker 2 (33:20):
How do how do we get people to come sell tickets? Well? Yeah,
but but that's scary. What if nobody comes.
Speaker 1 (33:30):
I think that were here. Here's what happened. First, we
put up those shows for sale, just those shows. So
if you're in that area and you're like, all right,
I want to see Kevin Smith. This is how I'm
going to see Kevin Smith. Cool, Like, I'll check it out.
He's funny. I've seen him talk to other people and
ship why not his kid? Once the show sells out,
(33:53):
then I add the late shows where it's me by
myself and they're like, oh, I get the best.
Speaker 2 (33:57):
Of both worlds giving away your plan right now.
Speaker 1 (34:01):
But marketing, sorry, I'm not trying out with the audience,
but it is like, you know, for those who are listening, yeah,
I guess they're like, oh, there's going to be two
bites at this apple. But here, it's easy for me
to tell this audience that because they would be more
inclined to be going to beer. The stickless means ken that.
Speaker 2 (34:21):
I mean, Hey, if Eugene, Oregon will have us, I
will be there feeling it. I'm feeling it now.
Speaker 1 (34:30):
When soon, I mean at least like probably a month
two months, because we need a month to sell tickets,
So at least one month or two months away okay,
but the club is like, we'll do this, but the
(34:50):
deal is that you have to let elves suck your blood,
a thousand of them every day for a year. Yeah,
on stage while people watch. You're gonna sell tickets to it.
Speaker 2 (35:05):
That's the show.
Speaker 1 (35:06):
That's the second show. First show is beer. Listen with me.
They're like, nobody wants to go to Kevin's the solo show.
Now the elves eat your daughter. People will pay to
see that. That's how bad do you want fame?
Speaker 2 (35:18):
Not that bad.
Speaker 1 (35:21):
Where you start paying with blood. Blood in the filthy
mouth of a dirty elf who won't brush.
Speaker 2 (35:28):
His teeth, who has a tooth infection.
Speaker 1 (35:31):
Won't wear a dental damn disrespectful little focks. It doesn't
feel right, It doesn't. That's good, but hey, that's the
rubbers arcade.
Speaker 2 (35:43):
We now, Oh the elves, the silly elves.
Speaker 1 (35:47):
That's when they break the pottery and put it to
your dug ezer, my friend, see my arm bro good body, Helphi.
(36:07):
Oh my god, your mom said something funny yesterday that
made me go, like what, I can't remember.
Speaker 2 (36:17):
She said something.
Speaker 1 (36:18):
Funny, funny in the moment that was actually pretty fire.
Speaker 2 (36:22):
All right, but not fire enough to remember.
Speaker 1 (36:25):
Remember, But I did remember laughing with not that.
Speaker 2 (36:30):
A rare occasion, no kidding, just kidding, just kidding. Who
said that?
Speaker 1 (36:42):
All right? If you were in control of the show,
did you only have that one hypothetical? And that was that?
Oh my god? What driving? Holy shit?
Speaker 6 (36:54):
All right, let's see what else we got in this
notes up?
Speaker 1 (37:00):
Watching anything? How about here? How about this? What'd you
do this weekend? Kid?
Speaker 2 (37:06):
This weekend?
Speaker 1 (37:07):
Yeah? Tell him that?
Speaker 2 (37:09):
Oh okay, where'd to go?
Speaker 3 (37:11):
All right?
Speaker 1 (37:12):
Fucking leg elves sucking my dick? Where you went?
Speaker 2 (37:16):
I thought that. I thought that's what people wanted, That's.
Speaker 1 (37:19):
What I wanted. I was off for I'm so proud.
I can't wait to go home upstairs. I can't wait
to go upstairs. Tell your mother, like, finally she's coming
up their own hypotheses. She's like, they involved sex. I'm like,
not yet, but they will No, they never will run
out murder.
Speaker 2 (37:36):
I was also thinking there could be a new category
that's do you know your daughter's dot dot dot boyfriend?
And I asked you questions about Austin instead of me,
is it.
Speaker 1 (37:46):
Dot dot dot boyfriend, dot dot dot cat, dot dot
dot rabbit? Like you can fill in any category. Yeah,
was it that or no?
Speaker 2 (37:58):
But it could be anything you want.
Speaker 1 (38:00):
Yeah, I can do that because then you know, like
sooner or later, I'll know everything there is to know
about Austin. But like Austin Bellingham, Yep, Austin Bellinghamager Marjorie.
Isn't it Austin Austin, Philip Austin Philip Arthur Charles Zager, Yes,
(38:25):
Austin Slappy Zager.
Speaker 2 (38:30):
There, there you go, Austin. I'll give you the initials
A m Z and.
Speaker 1 (38:36):
Austin Michael Austin Michell after his father. My brother is
a is a masculine junior.
Speaker 2 (38:45):
Oh yeah, Donald.
Speaker 1 (38:47):
My dad's name was Donald. Then my brother's name is Donald.
Speaker 2 (38:50):
It's also the do you know.
Speaker 1 (38:51):
Who I'm named after? Kevin Patrick, the saint?
Speaker 2 (38:57):
Oh my gosh.
Speaker 1 (38:58):
Excuse me. Uh well Patrick does count for the middle name?
Speaker 2 (39:04):
Yeah, Oh Kevin, Kevin Kevin James.
Speaker 1 (39:13):
The King of Queen's was a huge show that my
mother loves, and she was like a name. If it's
a girl, it's Leah, and if it's a boy, it's Kevin.
Speaker 2 (39:24):
No, Kevin.
Speaker 1 (39:25):
It was, as we know, based on the fourth Ory movie.
It was going to be briand yes, of course there
was another Brian David. My mom pivoted with Kevin. But
why Kevin? But why for my uncle.
Speaker 4 (39:40):
keV?
Speaker 1 (39:41):
Which I had none? So no, nothing. She just picked it.
I think mamily picked it just so she could call
me Kevin from him. Ah 's a high bar your life.
(40:02):
I'm like I am from heaven?
Speaker 2 (40:03):
Are I?
Speaker 1 (40:05):
My mother told me? And she never lies. Let me
tell you something about Momily. I love Momily to death.
She ain't above the liar two O. Momily is a
Catholic that was like, you know, some of the ships
for the birds. She'd never say that, but you know
she was like Momily loves loved God and perhaps still does.
(40:30):
She's just not churchy anymore and stuff. But she loved
a bargain more.
Speaker 2 (40:37):
And you know what, who could blame her?
Speaker 1 (40:38):
Sometimes in order to get the best bargains aka the
fabled five finger discount, you have to turn the blind
eye to the Lord.
Speaker 2 (40:48):
Does momiy uh fuck with Marshalls and TJ Max.
Speaker 1 (40:53):
Like I do?
Speaker 3 (40:54):
Momily?
Speaker 1 (40:55):
Given her druthers, Momily would wake up in those stores.
Oh my god, she doesn't do it quite so much anymore.
But when she was driving because mommy gave up the car.
When she was driving, she would go like to the
dollar Store and buy hundreds of dollars worth of things
to give away, to give away, gives this show up
at a person's house and be like, here's a tablecloth.
(41:19):
And she's still like going to those stores as well.
So yeah, Momily would. If you were in Florida and
you were like, mom Y, I'm taking it Home Goods, she'd.
Speaker 2 (41:27):
Be like, oh fuck yeah, Bridley Nana. We oh we
hit up, We hit up Marshalls and we hit up
home Goods and it's a great time because you never
know what you're gonna find, because it's different every day.
Speaker 1 (41:41):
You know what you're going to find, the same crap
you'll find in every home goods across country. Do you
know where you get something one of a kind?
Speaker 2 (41:49):
That's her store.
Speaker 1 (41:51):
I'm sorry, miss Jackson, but this ship's for real. See
these fucking Wanda and Vision Vision and the Scarlet Witch
Paint giant paintings behind me.
Speaker 2 (42:07):
They're really nice.
Speaker 1 (42:08):
Got that on Facebook Marketplace man from Katie Bettini.
Speaker 2 (42:12):
Oh nice, Katie.
Speaker 1 (42:13):
Not only do I get these, man, look how they
make me so happy? They're so vibrant, ship. She painted
them during.
Speaker 2 (42:18):
They are really vibrant.
Speaker 1 (42:19):
Oh my god, they're fucking phenomenal. You should, you should,
I'm gonna tell you something.
Speaker 2 (42:26):
Oh wow, come on, you literally already have one of those,
and I hate it. I'm trying to collect them all.
Speaker 1 (42:36):
Her dor as like a comic book.
Speaker 2 (42:37):
Super Oh really yeah.
Speaker 1 (42:39):
Like pick a body that's like, you know, like you
would recognize, like maybe the Fantastic for like a Soux
Storm or something like that. I gotta figure out which one.
Maybe a dead pull up? You know what?
Speaker 2 (42:49):
Have you seen the The X Men rumor casting?
Speaker 1 (42:54):
No?
Speaker 2 (42:54):
Oh you have not.
Speaker 1 (42:56):
I've been busy. After I went to New Jersey. Well,
I never even finished talking about my I went to
Multicon and then I had Yeah where.
Speaker 2 (43:04):
You said I don't like I do.
Speaker 1 (43:08):
And then I went to Babylon that night and stuff
in Covina and Covino was Discovery. Then I got on
a plane the next morning flew to Schmadcastle Shinemas in
New Jersey.
Speaker 2 (43:19):
Tracy Morgan was Tracy came.
Speaker 1 (43:22):
To see cop out for the fifteenth anniversary screen and
I'm seeing Tracy in Honestly, I was thinking about it,
and I think since the fucking premiere. Wow, Like I
was texting with him before he got into the car accident,
which he fucking brought up at one point, and like,
I lost my ship on stage. I was laughing so
hard because Tracy, like part of Tracy's whole thing is
he like he like he does boasty things like gum
(43:47):
on gids Zolti's pregnant, you know. But he was talking.
He was up there and he was talking about like
adversity and ship and he was like, you can't kill me.
No one could kill me. He goes Walmart, couldn't kill
me because truck almost killed him. He was in an accident,
a really bad accent coming home from a show. I
don't know if they were on a tour bus or
just a regular like pass band kind of thing, but
(44:09):
they Tracy came insanely close to dying. This was like, yeah,
I remember, and he did lose his friend. Oh, it
was a bad accident. It took him a while to
get back, you know, up on his feet. But now
you would never fucking tell. So he was up there
talking about that, but Joe like he wasn't talking about that,
but dropping a reference to that in a joke. Yeah,
(44:31):
Like I didn't see that shit coming. Talk about like
way to deal with your trauma? Man, Yeah, turned into
some comedy, but he was absolutely fucking lovely and stuff,
and you want to talk about trauma bonding. Him and
I went through a thing together and it was nice
to kind of be up there. And it wasn't like,
let's shoot it on fucking Bruce, not at all. Like
(44:52):
watching the movie from end to end, which I have
not done in fifteen fucking years. I didn't fuck with
this movie like I fucked with my own because I
wrote my own and I continue to build my universe
and shit like that. The cop out was like fraught
with a bunch of shit, including like all the stuff
with Bruce, and this was coming on the heels of
two Fat to Fly and then like I got in
a fight with critics and shit like that. It's so
(45:15):
interesting time, Oh my god, nightmare. So I it's not
a movie every visited. I've never had like the poster
framed in the house or anything like that. And watching
it like at on Sunday at the podcastle like it's
a fucking It's like, so I'm so wishy washy, like
(45:37):
a fuck. Critic goes like you suck, and I'm like,
you're right, I suck. It's a goodass movie. It's fun.
I don't think I've ever seen it like he he
makes it like Tracy is absolutely like comedically wonderful. Like
he literally makes me laugh out loud throughout the movie funny.
But Bruce like does Bruce, you know, and like that's
(46:01):
the thing. He didn't want to. He was kind of
tired of playing Bruce at that point. But he gives
good Bruce. The whole time I was watching the movie,
I wasn't sitting there going like, oh he made it
hard and shit. I was like, man, fucking I got
to work with Bruce Belson. Look there he is giving
me full Bruce Willis and shit like that. But yeah,
it was. It was wonderful. It was very therapeutic. And
(46:21):
then he got up before the screening and chit Chad,
and then he got up afterwards and chit chatted as well,
and then he signed the wall and then he had
to get out. But it was absolutely fucking wonderful and
nice to you know, like when bad things happen in
you know, movies and shit like that. I've often described
(46:44):
it as like I described it this way, in front
of somebody. Oh. I was on a panel on Saturday
at Multicon. I was on a panel with Robert Kirkman
Walking Dead and Invincible and Rob Leifeld who created a
dead Pool and the fucking Marvel kids that helped create
image or co created image and shit. And I was
(47:05):
talking about like what happens like when a movie flops, man,
Like it's it's like you know, in the Bible, when
fucking Jesus gets arrested and all the apostles scatter and
they're like, hey, you knew that guy, right, and like, no, no,
I never heard of Jesus. And then you hear cock
brow and like that that it's there's you know, cop
(47:29):
Out didn't flop. It's actually my highest grossing film. Wow,
But I ran from that movie when all was said
and done and shit. And it was nice to engage
with it with him in the room and him talking
about it, being like, you know, this was my shot,
Like I shot this movie down the street from where
(47:51):
I was born, in my neighborhood. It's really really kind
of speed that sweet. And then the next day I
got on a plane and I went to a place
so I can't double yet to do some scouting location
scouting for the new motion picture.
Speaker 2 (48:07):
That's extremely exact.
Speaker 1 (48:11):
And then I came home yesterday.
Speaker 2 (48:13):
I was in Rhode Island.
Speaker 1 (48:15):
Yes, Like, I was like, tell them what you did?
Speaker 2 (48:18):
Hold on, I'll tell them what I hold on one second?
Speaker 1 (48:21):
What the fuck are you doing Rhode Island? I was filming,
trying to feel big because it's a small estate. There
is you.
Speaker 2 (48:27):
Well, it is so clever?
Speaker 3 (48:29):
Have you so clever?
Speaker 2 (48:32):
But you do that ship to me all the time.
Speaker 1 (48:36):
I never mock your fucking material.
Speaker 3 (48:42):
Are you kidding?
Speaker 1 (48:44):
Are you?
Speaker 2 (48:45):
All you do all day is want me to make
fun of me. That's all you do.
Speaker 1 (48:53):
All you fucking do. Yeah, all right, tell them what
did you do in Rhode Island?
Speaker 2 (49:02):
I was part of the special secret project motion picture.
Speaker 1 (49:07):
I wish what what part of Rhode Island?
Speaker 2 (49:12):
I was all over the place.
Speaker 1 (49:14):
Seriously all over. It doesn't take long.
Speaker 2 (49:16):
Like I was driving all I felt like you.
Speaker 1 (49:20):
Because I was driving all around.
Speaker 2 (49:22):
Yeah, I was driving all around.
Speaker 1 (49:24):
Hoke. I was to call you Hoke and Ship because
you were behind the wheel of the car driving this daisy.
They didn't, but I'm supposed to drive you wig.
Speaker 2 (49:39):
I was in Providence.
Speaker 1 (49:40):
I was in Newport, Providence World Newport. Oh that's where
I got the big houses.
Speaker 2 (49:45):
Yes, the mansions if you will.
Speaker 1 (49:47):
Yeah, my brother used to fuck with that when I
was a kid, Like he went there. Yeah, my mother
still talks about it to this day. My sister's moving
to Providence. Yeah, only fan or only listener, the person
we do those whole fun.
Speaker 2 (49:58):
The only person listening right now.
Speaker 1 (49:59):
Truly shout out to my sister Virginia and her husband
Eric and Sabine, her daughter, are moving to Providence. That
they looked all around that they used to live over
in Europe and one on Vienna, so they're coming back.
They looked at six different seven different cities, and they
were like, we're going to Providence. So next time you.
Speaker 2 (50:19):
Go back, I will see that.
Speaker 1 (50:22):
I would you go back to Providence? Sure?
Speaker 2 (50:26):
I had so much good food you wouldn't believe.
Speaker 1 (50:29):
Seriously, Oh my god, Now is it vegan food that's
like real vegetables and ship would I've hated it? No?
Speaker 2 (50:35):
You would have actually loved the food that I had.
I had like fried chicken, mashed potatoes, gravy like she
like that pastas of all kinds.
Speaker 1 (50:47):
None of them includes vegetables.
Speaker 2 (50:49):
No, and then no vegetable. It was, oh my god,
it was so good. Onion rings, br bogos.
Speaker 1 (50:55):
How many days were you there? Goos? How many days
were you there? How was the bogo tonight?
Speaker 2 (51:00):
It's extremely good. My dad made me some bogos for dinner.
Speaker 1 (51:04):
What's how many days are you there for? How many
meals did you have? Uh?
Speaker 2 (51:09):
Well, we were there for two full days and we
got there on Thursday night, had a meal, then the
next two days had three meals a day, as one does,
I guess, so seven's we hit seven different spots, seven
(51:31):
different spots.
Speaker 1 (51:33):
Different vegan joints. Yes, and do you have to pay
at everyone?
Speaker 2 (51:37):
No, come in, didn't have to pay a single.
Speaker 1 (51:39):
One because you're doing a thing.
Speaker 2 (51:41):
We're doing a thing.
Speaker 1 (51:42):
We ate here and what good you should come here
to the end that kind of thing. Yes, that's a
good racket right there.
Speaker 2 (51:52):
It was pretty cool there, just eating your way around.
Speaker 1 (51:57):
It's a grown up trick or treat. It literally was
like fucking trick.
Speaker 2 (52:01):
Except I was like, oh my god.
Speaker 3 (52:07):
Food was good, but too much of it.
Speaker 1 (52:11):
I remember once this is back in the non vegan days.
Speaker 2 (52:14):
Steak tartar.
Speaker 1 (52:16):
Never mind that, but yes, when I went. I was
working for the Tonight Show, me and Andy mccalfish doing
bits for the Tonight Show. We went to Philadelphia or
as you used to call it, Ciliadelphia, and we did
a cheese steak a cheese steak run. Oh and so
we went to eight different cheese steak joints.
Speaker 2 (52:38):
Oh my god, I had.
Speaker 1 (52:39):
I ate a cheese steak at each one, like a
whole cheese steak. Eight cheese steaks in two hours. I
was like, I kept it all down. It was amazing.
Speaker 2 (52:49):
I had a lot of bread steak egg rolls.
Speaker 1 (52:53):
Oh.
Speaker 2 (52:54):
It was fan.
Speaker 1 (52:55):
They did that in Newport in Rhode Island.
Speaker 2 (52:58):
In Rhode Island, in Providence. It was fantastic.
Speaker 1 (53:03):
Did here I was in where I just was which
I can't divulge just yet, but it was down in
the south.
Speaker 2 (53:10):
Was there vegan food?
Speaker 1 (53:12):
Shockingly yes? Wow, oh bro there was like Whole Foods.
There was a Sprouts. This place is civilized. They did
have a restaurant called the Slutty Vecan.
Speaker 2 (53:22):
They have a Slutty Vegan there.
Speaker 1 (53:24):
I don't know if it's the same, but it's called
the Slutty Vegan. They have a a housemade patty not
beyond or.
Speaker 2 (53:33):
I would have to guess it's the same, because that's
like a trademark situation. Oh my gosh, it's crazy.
Speaker 1 (53:41):
They they but they had a lot of a lot
of things there. Okay, but wait, why was I talking
about this?
Speaker 2 (53:49):
We love vegan food.
Speaker 1 (53:50):
I know, no, but there was a specific reason in
the place I went. You went to a place there,
and then you did it, and then you and then
you can no, there was something fucking about it about
(54:13):
the place. I wanted to fuck fuck me if I
could remember.
Speaker 2 (54:20):
You can't remember.
Speaker 1 (54:22):
I mean here, you should remember. You should be able
to pull that up right away and be like, oh,
we were talking about that?
Speaker 2 (54:27):
Are you kidding me? My memory is worse than yours.
Between the weed and the antidepresents and ain't too good
up there.
Speaker 1 (54:34):
We need a third We need mom to sit here
so she could throw out ship and be like, you
were talking about this, that's true, someone to take notes.
But Mom would be like, like, Jim, what were we
talking about? She would be like, not me.
Speaker 2 (54:46):
So true, so true. Actually I wish you were talking
about me a little more about me.
Speaker 1 (54:55):
Oh my god, yeah, man, it.
Speaker 2 (54:59):
Was sorry, I keep coughing.
Speaker 1 (55:03):
God, why did I fucking bring up the police. I
don't know.
Speaker 2 (55:07):
I can't read your mind.
Speaker 1 (55:10):
It wasn't the food.
Speaker 2 (55:13):
Did you buy a thing.
Speaker 1 (55:16):
You do around me with like did that phone?
Speaker 2 (55:20):
Sorry?
Speaker 1 (55:21):
That like a fucking Rhode Island. Rhode Islands got food?
Speaker 2 (55:24):
Remember how you were like, you mock me and I
don't mock you.
Speaker 1 (55:28):
I don't know that's mocking.
Speaker 2 (55:30):
Oh mocking god, bruh, How the hell would I know?
Speaker 1 (55:37):
What were we talking about before that?
Speaker 2 (55:39):
We were talking about your trip and then my trip.
Speaker 1 (55:42):
And then your trip, and then you said something and
then I was like.
Speaker 2 (55:47):
Philly cheese steak egg rolls.
Speaker 1 (55:49):
Yeah, hold on all right, stay there, Philly cheese stake rolls.
Speaker 2 (55:53):
You went on that food tour with Andy?
Speaker 1 (55:56):
Yeah? And you then you well, I talked about the
cheese and then he were like, bro, I had Billy
cheese take egg rolls.
Speaker 6 (56:04):
And I was like, yep, it's gone. It's lost in.
Speaker 1 (56:18):
The imagine if it was like, oh, this is where
I finally tell her where I buried her inheritance.
Speaker 2 (56:23):
Fucking remember.
Speaker 1 (56:25):
I remember, did you see the case of that motherfucking
dude who like had a bunch of bitcoin on a
drive and then hissed it out by accident, dude, and
then was like trying to find it. And first he
was trying to find it, then he was trying to
open it, have it opened remotely, and the courts were like, no,
that that big. Unless you can find the drive, that
(56:46):
shit is lost. And he kind of found like a
place where it might be, this landfill because now he's
got a bunch of investors together because he's trying it.
He's trying to get investors together because he wants to
buy the entire landfill so he can find it because
it's seven hundred and sixty million dollars.
Speaker 2 (57:01):
Are you unfamiliar with the fact that Austin did an
episode of nine to one one where he played got
you lost a hard drive?
Speaker 1 (57:12):
With millions of crypto Ronald keep telling your story ship
you read it online? Austin lived nine one one on
Gay right. I keep hearing who I saw Ernie this weekend?
It's Podcastle Keeper Ernie O'Donnell And he was like, man
fucking Austin blowing up right, And I was like, wait
(57:34):
a minute, He's like, I see him in commercials all
the time. I was like, do you mean you see
him in the same two commercials all the time. Ye
still no, but it's their high rotation. Is he even
more than two commercials? Is he?
Speaker 2 (57:46):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (57:47):
So the Hulk one?
Speaker 2 (57:49):
Oh, actually he's three.
Speaker 1 (57:51):
Coming Pizza Little Caesars. Yeah, I mean, if it was,
I've said that out loud. Fucking I think I think
I'm battle on this weekend. I was talking. You talked
about Austin's, Yeah, because that was because Ralph brought him up.
Ralphs like Austin's everywhere these days.
Speaker 2 (58:10):
Really everybody's talking about me.
Speaker 1 (58:14):
I sat that boy down, said you marry my daughter
right now. Pizza, pizza, pizza money, and ship have a
little Caesar's money. And then I lobbied for him to
become a live action Little Caesar looks like him, the
fuzzy hair and fucking the heighth thing, all these pizza
pizza you guys should do that for Halloween. He could
(58:40):
be the pizza pizza guy and you could be up pizza.
That's kind of smart, I'm saying. And then people would
be like, little Caesar, you're gonna eat that pizza? What
if you look around to make sure I'm not there
and be like, damn eat that pizza. And that's when
I walk in the room.
Speaker 2 (58:58):
He's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, all right, what
if he gets in trouble? Who Austin?
Speaker 1 (59:08):
You mean pregnant? Nozzizzad he lost it? And Ship No.
He comes home one night and he was just like, Hey,
we're going to offer me a fucking deal. But you're
a loud mouth old man. I mean, first they have
to listen to beardless stick with me.
Speaker 2 (59:26):
Good luck, guys.
Speaker 1 (59:28):
Nobody gonna hear you know who knows now you're and
Virginian mamaly. That's not true.
Speaker 3 (59:36):
Man.
Speaker 1 (59:36):
When I was out there in the world, A heard
I met some beardless stick with Me listeners. I told
you I saw dick lid shirts in the audience and
Ship and none. The motherfucker was like, picture.
Speaker 2 (59:44):
Hair ticklet's out in the wild happening.
Speaker 1 (59:46):
That's why when we do that live show, some people
might travel. Man. Chris Davis has been known to jump
on a plane to go to I.
Speaker 2 (59:54):
Was gonna say, Chris Davis and Hardy might come come through.
Speaker 1 (59:58):
I mean that'd be cross country track because they live
in Massachusetts. I mean you could definitely, I mean not definitely,
but I bet you they would go to the Jersey
show for sure, but you know, I think that could
be exciting. Would you play music at the show? Would
you close out with? Probably not, he said there strung
(01:00:19):
Maybe people shoot any fish? Fish got no fee what
you're sucking it up?
Speaker 3 (01:00:38):
Shot shot.
Speaker 1 (01:00:40):
That come out of stage.
Speaker 2 (01:00:45):
And then you're like, you go behind the curtain again.
Speaker 1 (01:00:48):
Shoot fish because he's sucking up again.
Speaker 3 (01:00:54):
We heard that.
Speaker 1 (01:00:56):
Stop playing. We heard that and it's hurtful.
Speaker 2 (01:01:00):
I like how you walk like I come out.
Speaker 1 (01:01:02):
Like that, And now we're all just gonna sit here
until we're polite to my daughter, and she covers Nirvana.
Speaker 2 (01:01:11):
With some tweaked lyrics.
Speaker 1 (01:01:14):
Yeah, she's getting them wrong, but like she's just trying.
Speaker 6 (01:01:19):
Okay, she's trying.
Speaker 1 (01:01:20):
She just wants entertained so badly. I trying to entertain you.
Speaker 2 (01:01:25):
Please let her come up. I told her, it makes
you feel like a god.
Speaker 3 (01:01:35):
Please.
Speaker 5 (01:01:44):
It's not okay because they got all the bee.
Speaker 1 (01:01:51):
Sure, I'm pretty sure one of two things happening after
this Bugget show. She's quitting the business and he's probably
going back in the movie.
Speaker 2 (01:02:01):
I'm coming with.
Speaker 3 (01:02:06):
What the cover is gone.
Speaker 2 (01:02:10):
My mouth it's from smiling.
Speaker 1 (01:02:14):
Smile. You're not up there even doing it. You're like,
it's okay.
Speaker 2 (01:02:20):
No, it's not okay in my version. It's not okay
in my version.
Speaker 1 (01:02:26):
He's not okaying, Like she's going to too hard dig
and fee you. Hey, that's me come back like you did.
Speaker 2 (01:02:47):
You just did in the audience, crab shuffle up, Grab.
Speaker 4 (01:02:56):
Shut.
Speaker 2 (01:02:59):
It again, you crabs.
Speaker 1 (01:03:03):
Pretty nice to try.
Speaker 3 (01:03:06):
She make it hard.
Speaker 1 (01:03:17):
The crops really got me another thing. T shirts still on. So,
oh my god, oh my god.
Speaker 2 (01:03:29):
The crab shovel.
Speaker 1 (01:03:31):
There it is, kids, there's beardless this week.
Speaker 2 (01:03:36):
You didn't need a minute to calm down from that one.
Speaker 1 (01:03:39):
I thank you Grab. That's how you have to enter
stage when you go perform live. For the first time,
I saw a ghost h for beardless stick. This's me.
(01:04:00):
I'm Krabby Kevin Smith and I.
Speaker 2 (01:04:02):
Am grabs a lot, Harley.
Speaker 1 (01:04:05):
Go have a beardless dickless day.
Speaker 7 (01:04:18):
This has been a podcast production s podcast podcast using
our mouths on you since two thousand and seven. Hey, kids,
did you like what you just heard? Well, guess what.
We've got tons more, man thousands of hours of podcasts
waiting for you at that Kevinsmith Club dot com.
Speaker 1 (01:04:38):
Go sign up now.
Welcome back the beardless, sickless me. I am the bearded one.
Speaker 2 (00:33):
I am ridiculous one.
Speaker 1 (00:35):
That sound you hear not masturbation.
Speaker 2 (00:38):
Oh my god, we're bad.
Speaker 1 (00:43):
The clarification, Yeah, well, because some people, you know, just
listen to the audio. They don't watch it. Like if
you're that Kevin Smith club, remember I givespith club dot com,
you can watch the show. But if you're just listening
you heard that, you might be like, this is holy inappropriate.
That's so true. One of them is fapping in front
of the other, and either way it's fucking crazy. Try
(01:09):
That's why I have to tell him that it was Walky.
I'm glad the dog was fapping and we were letting
her because she ain't gonna fucking loving her life. Let
me tell you something. Every time I bring WALKI to
the park, that milkshake brings all the boys to the yard,
big and small. They are not interested in Birdie, which
is like, you know how the stereotype of fucking men like,
(01:32):
oh they like young women and ship. There's fucking Birdie,
just new bile, prime, fucking of her life. Look at her,
you know, fucking like untouched and they have and she's unfixed.
Probably say unfixed as well, but none of it are interested.
Speaker 2 (01:55):
To be clear, you should.
Speaker 1 (01:56):
Be, but maybe maybe like they they just don't say
Walkie is fixed. And yet they'll all fucking their noses
are straight up brass. And then they go for the
jump and she's like, hey, Walkie is what dogs want?
Speaker 2 (02:11):
What he's got that thing thing about her?
Speaker 1 (02:14):
If you were a boy dog, you'd be like, I
want to FUCKI.
Speaker 2 (02:18):
Walk exactly exactly what I think about WUCKI She though.
Speaker 1 (02:25):
You could tell. Walkie's like, oh no, walk he's not interested.
She's like, I've been there. Men suck.
Speaker 2 (02:31):
She's been there, She's done that, and she doesn't want
it anymore.
Speaker 1 (02:34):
She's like, there's only one man in this world that
don't suck. And I'm sitting right here with me. He
brought me to the park. Wow, I'll be going home
with him as well.
Speaker 2 (02:43):
Wow.
Speaker 1 (02:44):
She adores me. Bertie though, on the other hand, also
adores me. But Bertie scared of every fucking dog at
the park. Boy dogs come over there, and she's like
she I literally watched her throw herself on her back,
feet up in the air, and it's like, bro, that's
how you get run, Like cover, ass and run and
(03:09):
ship or do what Wucky does, which is just like.
Speaker 2 (03:13):
I like Wucky style.
Speaker 1 (03:16):
I think it's it's it really is like I'm showing
my human you know, fucking bias here. But like blows
my mind that that's what dogs want, he asked German
brow They want a house frow and I get it.
We're not looking for frowline, fucking you know, fancy pants
(03:39):
of it. And they want a woman built like a
brick ship house. A bear they do. And every size big.
Speaker 3 (03:47):
Dog a little dog.
Speaker 1 (03:53):
I saw a little dog trying to hop up to
make it like trying.
Speaker 2 (03:56):
To get my god, Oh my god.
Speaker 1 (03:58):
He was like, here's him and here's her thing way
up here. He kept trying to jump up. It was
never going to connect. I'm never going to cow jump
over that moon.
Speaker 2 (04:07):
Oh my god. Okay, are we done now with this
section of the show.
Speaker 1 (04:14):
I just find it. I don't. I have no skin
in the game, but I'll be honest with you. I'm
kind of proud when the boy dogs are like hello,
I'm like, that's right, yeah, look at her, Yeah, recognizing
this is my dog, as if I had anything to
do with some respect on Loki's name according to the
new formula. Yes, this would be your show.
Speaker 2 (04:33):
It's my turn.
Speaker 1 (04:33):
You're in charge.
Speaker 2 (04:34):
It's my turn now.
Speaker 1 (04:35):
So I'm just going to crack open a frosty old beverage.
Speaker 2 (04:40):
Fresh can of Celsius at eight pm.
Speaker 1 (04:43):
We'll keep you up for hours and let you drive,
ladies and gentlemen, my only begotten child. Wow, the girl me.
Speaker 2 (04:52):
I thought, uh, I thought I'd bring back the hypothetical,
the hypothetical nation, bring back bitch.
Speaker 1 (05:00):
It never left.
Speaker 2 (05:01):
I asked gone every week.
Speaker 1 (05:04):
I know you're out of your mind.
Speaker 2 (05:05):
I wish it away every week.
Speaker 1 (05:07):
But this time you get to do it.
Speaker 2 (05:08):
Yes, all right, I just remember.
Speaker 1 (05:11):
Once you open the door to the hypothetical.
Speaker 2 (05:13):
No no, this is for you.
Speaker 1 (05:15):
I may be able to turn the table.
Speaker 2 (05:17):
No no, no, no, no no, this.
Speaker 1 (05:18):
Is my episode. There's a game when I was a kid.
And now that I think about it, since I'm rebuying
everything on eBay, I'm blowing Harley's inheritance on Buwwinkle toys.
Speaker 2 (05:27):
Yeah, thinks a lot.
Speaker 1 (05:29):
Tough ship makes me happy, make me happier than Bowinkle,
and I'll give you the money very but you're less.
You're You're not as expensive as old but winkles, you're
pretty cheap to buy. What the fuck a few bucks
at a Dickland shirt. You're like, oh my god, so
rude man, Where was I going with my originals? Oh?
Speaker 2 (05:51):
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (05:56):
There was a game, and this is relevant to your
interest because you're a Disney kid. There was a game,
a Haunted Mansion game that had in the floor turntables.
So when you roll the dice or spin the spinner
or whatever, you move onto it onto the board, you
would turn a handle and so your peace would move
(06:17):
to it. Completely different. Oh and I remember the commercial
was like, you know, can you escape the spinning spooks
or something like that. But in any event, in a
world where I keep buying like all that my childhood ship,
I'm gonna go put that in.
Speaker 2 (06:34):
Yeah, go look for that. Do something useful?
Speaker 1 (06:37):
Will you take over the show? Why don't you anyways
like to be encouraging, so you like to lead with
stick more than carrot?
Speaker 2 (06:50):
Okay?
Speaker 1 (06:50):
Hypothetical hypothetical What if you had a daughter that loved
to expected you? There's the hypothetical every day all right, hypothetical?
Speaker 2 (06:59):
Go I remember remember the elves?
Speaker 1 (07:03):
Yes to recap for those I may not remember the
elves are like, I don't go far that far back.
The elves wanted me to kill Austin.
Speaker 2 (07:16):
You were the elf king.
Speaker 1 (07:17):
I was the elf king. They just got Yeah, I
wound up. I was lost. Harley thought like, I ran away.
Speaker 2 (07:24):
You honestly died.
Speaker 1 (07:25):
Died, But really the elves took me and I became
the elf king. Yes, how do we get to the
broken pottery? That was my favorite part because it wasn't Austin.
Speaker 2 (07:37):
There was something about that there. You came back into
my life and I was like, where the fuck have
you been for six years? I had I had to
be with the elves. And then at some point the
elves tried to kill and I think successfully killed Austin.
Speaker 1 (07:57):
Well they were like take that broken.
Speaker 2 (08:02):
Right, of course, these elves, these are the elves.
Speaker 1 (08:07):
Price to pay for being their king.
Speaker 2 (08:09):
Yes, so these.
Speaker 1 (08:11):
Elves in questions, Yeah, for those who are like, I
don't get the good elves, No, no, no, they're pretty cruel.
Speaker 2 (08:19):
Well here's another price to pay.
Speaker 1 (08:23):
What am I What price am I paying?
Speaker 2 (08:25):
Well just wait a second.
Speaker 1 (08:26):
But I mean no, not what why am I paying
a price?
Speaker 2 (08:29):
Well, but I'm about to tell you.
Speaker 1 (08:32):
So I'm at first you got to tell me why
I'm in trouble, and then tell me what the price
I'm paying is. Yes, that sounds like that was your
original plan. Sounds like you're switching horses mid Street.
Speaker 2 (08:41):
But allow, no, I've got I've got a story written
out here.
Speaker 1 (08:45):
Seriously, yep, I'm ready to hear it.
Speaker 2 (08:49):
Are you ready?
Speaker 1 (08:49):
Yeah? You secured the Gentleman Story by Harley Quinn Smith
written on her phone. She's staring at him that Kevin
Smith dot Kevinsmith club dot com. You see her reading
from her phone because she wrote it down. I'm impressed anyway, over.
Speaker 2 (09:05):
You all right, readymady, you've secured your spot as the
elf king. So you you you've left hero, Yes, you
you are the king of the elves at this point.
Hundred of elves are depending on you because the elves
of this colony are sick. They're not well. A disease
(09:25):
has gone around, and yes, a plague if you will,
on my watch, on your wing exactly, and you are
the king. So that's what that's where, that's where the
problem was.
Speaker 1 (09:37):
That stops here. I'm not a blamer.
Speaker 2 (09:39):
If you don't help them, they will all unfortunately pass.
Speaker 1 (09:43):
That's what I got sucked dick or something.
Speaker 2 (09:45):
No, the elves are depending on you, though you are
the chosen one with the only antidote and the inexistence
to save the elves. The antidote you ask, every elf
must come and bite you once a day for a year,
drawing blood and leaving a scar every time. Your body
(10:06):
is completely raw by the end of it and covered
in elf bite scars. The elves are depending on.
Speaker 1 (10:15):
Nobody said that, did you said? The elves come and
they bite me.
Speaker 2 (10:20):
The elves present themselves.
Speaker 1 (10:22):
And hypothetical there is usually thrown across the table.
Speaker 2 (10:29):
There is none of that in mind.
Speaker 1 (10:30):
Fair enough, so I'm being bit.
Speaker 2 (10:32):
You are being bitten once a day by every elf
in the colony. There are thousands. They're small, but they
are mighty, and there are thousands. And every time they
draw blood because your blood is the antidote to their disease.
Speaker 1 (10:47):
Like mosquitos, yes, which I've been bit by many.
Speaker 2 (10:50):
Times, but much worse. It hurts.
Speaker 1 (10:53):
Mosquitoes tickle, though it's.
Speaker 2 (10:56):
More than a tickle. They draw blood.
Speaker 1 (10:59):
It was all I said. They don't tickle, Okay, so
it's more than a tickle. That's even more pleasurable.
Speaker 2 (11:04):
All right, they draw your Does it feel like.
Speaker 1 (11:08):
Does it feel like somebody giving me a needle?
Speaker 2 (11:10):
It feels like as if there was a little like
claw trap that grabs onto your skin, you know, like
a little metal little a little metal claw, little guy,
a little trap, A little trap a mouse not a
mouse trap like this trap.
Speaker 1 (11:33):
As if everybody knows that Jaws is in the.
Speaker 2 (11:35):
Snow jaw Jaws trap.
Speaker 1 (11:38):
So he's a little shark.
Speaker 2 (11:40):
Yeah, sure, they're little sharks.
Speaker 1 (11:42):
And I feel it.
Speaker 2 (11:44):
Oh you feel you pinch my hand?
Speaker 1 (11:45):
Show me what it feels like. Can you handle it? No?
But worse because I said.
Speaker 2 (11:54):
I'm not going to make you bleed right now, you
make me.
Speaker 1 (11:57):
Bleed later after the show and the camera are not
that's when.
Speaker 2 (12:06):
That's That's what I'm waiting for. Is the after show?
Speaker 1 (12:09):
Well, plasticles plus kids that Kevin Smith club dot com
and see. The shows are all about elder abuse as
a young normal to get to her, it's a lot quicker.
Speaker 4 (12:23):
It's about child abuse, and the after show is about
elder abuse. Pick your choices, all right, So the als
it feels like a shark bite.
Speaker 1 (12:35):
Yeah what wait? Not a big shark, a little shark,
A little rubber shark.
Speaker 2 (12:40):
No, not rubber, just a small shark, like a baby shark,
but has teeth.
Speaker 1 (12:45):
Oh baby baby, yeah, my heart, heart, heart heart, all right,
so a living baby shark.
Speaker 2 (12:57):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (12:58):
Did they pull flash?
Speaker 2 (13:00):
Try to me, they pull blood. They draw blood, so
more like.
Speaker 1 (13:04):
Like like a parasite. Yeah, they leave any germs in
me or anything like that. Oh yeah clean?
Speaker 2 (13:11):
Oh no, no, they're not clean.
Speaker 1 (13:12):
They say it like, oh yeah, they're.
Speaker 2 (13:14):
Not clean because they elves are. They're drawing blood by mouth.
Speaker 1 (13:18):
Right. Can I be like, you need a dental dam.
Speaker 2 (13:21):
No, that doesn't cure their disease.
Speaker 1 (13:24):
Stop the spread of many diseases.
Speaker 2 (13:27):
In the eighties, I know, not this one, not this one.
Speaker 1 (13:30):
I'm just saying it's time for the dental dam to
come back. Come back, not in these elves faces, not
for the elves. All right. So I'm getting a little infection.
Speaker 2 (13:40):
Every time, or yeah you are, and your body is
completely raw with bites. Basically, it just hurts to exist everywhere.
Speaker 1 (13:49):
I don't mean it hurts to exist as if it
does existential I know.
Speaker 2 (13:54):
Fuck now, it physically hurts to exist is in my mind.
Speaker 1 (14:01):
But now.
Speaker 2 (14:04):
Now it's all a little.
Speaker 1 (14:05):
Bit I've asked how you take that broken out? I
got you fuckers with the broken pottery and the jugglar kids. Right,
you are dirty.
Speaker 2 (14:14):
They're so violent. The elves are so violent, all right.
So the elves are depending on you to keep their
species from going extinct. Elves on Earth will completely vanish
from existence without your help. Okay, do you help them?
Speaker 1 (14:27):
What do they do? What do they bring to the table?
They just exist?
Speaker 2 (14:30):
They just they exist.
Speaker 1 (14:31):
They're not magical or no, they are. So what am
I getting out of this?
Speaker 2 (14:35):
I hate to be quel, you're their king about it,
but you're their king.
Speaker 1 (14:38):
Yeah, but you know they've kidnapped me in the first place. Yeah,
but you mean this is my chance for revenge? Fuck them?
You know what, Fuck these elves. They took me away
from my daughter for six years. Well, this is the
moment what I've been waiting for. I'm like, oh, now
you need me. Huh, give me the key. I am
out of here unless you give me that fucking key. Okay,
(15:00):
give the key. I'll let you suck a little my
blood the key. Kid like that you have. I was like,
track the bag and start stepping on them.
Speaker 2 (15:08):
Oh my god, that wasn't in the plans.
Speaker 1 (15:12):
Matter. Okay, that's my hypothetical. The mad at these elves.
They kept me from my fucking family, wife, queen of
some sort. No, right, no, and mom's at home. Mom's
at home on that fine goodness going to waste, just unserved.
Come on, I want my revenge. Man, I'm like Sweeney
(15:35):
Todd in this bitch you kidding me? I'm busting all
the pottery jugglers left.
Speaker 2 (15:41):
This is much to.
Speaker 1 (15:48):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (15:48):
No, the what you get in return is you you get,
you get magic. I'm kind of magic olf magic.
Speaker 1 (15:56):
See, I need details because this is these sketchy, specious
okay deals. That's how the devil fucks you. In every
literary story and maybe even in the Bible, I can't remember,
but you always got the devil, they say. The Devil's
in the details. So that's why I'm asking so many questions.
Speaker 2 (16:14):
Well, let me just continue on. So will you help
them or no?
Speaker 1 (16:19):
What kind of magic am I going to get?
Speaker 2 (16:22):
Like ELF's magic?
Speaker 1 (16:24):
All right? What does that mean? Can I make? Can
I understand what Bertie is saying? Yeah, so my magic
can translate Lucky and Bertie?
Speaker 2 (16:32):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (16:33):
What else can I do?
Speaker 2 (16:35):
Well, we'll get to that.
Speaker 1 (16:36):
Oh no, no, no, no, this is the important things
to know before I sign off on being bitten repeatedly.
Speaker 2 (16:42):
Well, because if you don't help out of the kindness
of your heart, uh huh, the elves have another method.
Speaker 1 (16:49):
In mind they're gonna take.
Speaker 2 (16:52):
The elves have the power to erase memories from humans.
If you don't help them, they will erase clerks from
the minds of all humankind. They will actually erase every movie, project, script, performance,
everything you've ever done, except for yoga hoss. You will
only be known as the filmmaker who made yoga hoss.
Except if clerks never existed, then I never exist. So
(17:14):
instead of Lily Rose and I, it is starring Drake
Bell or Drake Campagna and Logan Paul And everywhere you.
Speaker 5 (17:21):
Go, everywhere you go, yeah, people stare, daggers at you,
yell at you, even spit on the ground you walk
on because of yoga hosers. So what do you say,
elf bites in a career or dead elves and Drake Bell?
(17:41):
The choice is yours.
Speaker 1 (17:42):
I gotta tell you you didn't have to go any
further than clerks is erased from the minds of dot
dot dot.
Speaker 2 (17:52):
So basically, if you don't help them.
Speaker 1 (17:56):
Oh, I understand proposition quite clearly. You don't need to
review it for me. Yeah. No, they can. They can
eat me. I work too hard.
Speaker 2 (18:07):
Just remind you it's thousands of them biting you once
a day.
Speaker 1 (18:11):
For a year. All right, but I'm the king, right, Yeah? Well,
but by royal decree, three quarters of our population will
be cold.
Speaker 5 (18:22):
Oh my god, what's the purpose of keeping them alive?
Speaker 1 (18:28):
Then, as poor they can agree to get clean, shower,
wear dental days and provide me with no infection.
Speaker 2 (18:41):
You're turning around, I mean.
Speaker 1 (18:43):
Look, not for nothing, but I know how to deal
with the hypothetical.
Speaker 3 (18:49):
Damn.
Speaker 2 (18:49):
So you're just gonna call them like it was nothing.
Speaker 1 (18:52):
We're negotiating here.
Speaker 2 (18:54):
You have a release, You have special relationships with all
of them?
Speaker 1 (18:58):
I did, yes, Well, then they ought well they have
zero compunction about like biting. They do.
Speaker 2 (19:05):
They feel they cry every time they bite you.
Speaker 1 (19:08):
They feel my heart breaks for them, but my skin
is breaking for them more.
Speaker 2 (19:12):
They feel affected.
Speaker 1 (19:14):
Because they won't shower or whatever the fuck?
Speaker 2 (19:16):
So okay, what have the infection's gone? What if? What
if they cure the infection the magic.
Speaker 1 (19:23):
They take it off the table, all the gather Yeah,
I have about instead of curing it with their magic.
Since they have magic, it just never exists. A.
Speaker 2 (19:30):
Yeah, they don't. They don't actually get infected.
Speaker 1 (19:34):
I'd also propose that if they have magic, they could
also magic themselves.
Speaker 2 (19:37):
Well, no they can't. Why because your blood is the
only antidote.
Speaker 1 (19:42):
Yeah, but magic could do anything?
Speaker 2 (19:43):
No not in this case.
Speaker 1 (19:45):
Magic can't. Then why am I giving up anything from
magic that won't create a fucking cure for this problem?
Speaker 2 (19:51):
Because you could talk to Bertie.
Speaker 1 (19:55):
I would like to find out what Bertie. I am
very curious.
Speaker 2 (20:01):
I see that might be worth knowing, because then you
can have you can conversate with Walkie and Bird.
Speaker 1 (20:11):
You know they say like all good things come too late,
Like I wish I would have made this deal in
a heartbeat. I always want to know what.
Speaker 6 (20:19):
Thought, oh you mean came in great to me?
Speaker 1 (20:30):
Every bet you meant.
Speaker 2 (20:33):
Oh my god to me here one of the one
of the reviews said, I gotta find it.
Speaker 1 (20:43):
Maybe laught you read the reviews.
Speaker 2 (20:45):
Yeah, does he need to scream into the mic so much?
Yes to me, this one's for you, This one's for you.
D Hawk eleven, Dick.
Speaker 1 (20:59):
Hawk, I was told to get right into the fucking
mike to mean, who's I speaking to that listens to
the show in the regular and they're like, bro, get
your face in the fucking mic, facing the fucking make bruh.
I said, last week, right, I told you the story
of somebody being like Kevin pict your hair. Yeah, chuck
fucking love. After we recorded that show last week, then
(21:23):
I went to multi con in here in town. It
was down in a little Armenia or whatever. It was
right by home Depot. Oh nice, and it was a
lovely event and some people asked about you, and I
was like, she doesn't believe in charity? No, And then
(21:48):
at night I drove down to Covina to do a
show with Ralph Babylon Hollywood Bebylon. I've never been to Kvina.
You ever fuck with Covina?
Speaker 2 (21:57):
I don't think I've been there.
Speaker 1 (21:59):
How is it fucking all right? Man?
Speaker 2 (22:01):
Okay?
Speaker 1 (22:02):
Like I was like, where's this? Where the fuck they
got cool shops? Last strip malls and showing.
Speaker 2 (22:06):
Really I was. I was impressed with strips.
Speaker 1 (22:10):
And the club we went to. I do I come
from the land of strips. The club we went to,
the Laugh Factory in Covina, is a beautiful like old theater,
and they don't have like most of the comedy clubs
you do are like two hundred. They didn't have two hundred.
They were only one hundred and sixty seven seats, so
we sold that quick. But they have dynamic not dynamic pricing,
(22:32):
but ranged pricing. So you you know, if you go
see us at Flappers, it's like all one take a price.
This place charges more the closer you get. And two
of the fucking tables were on the stage with us.
Oh so if you look to your right, you know,
(22:54):
because me and Ralph sitting next to each other and
face the audience. If I looked at my right, there
was a table for two, a couple ofs to my
right on the stage with this wow far away but
still like right there on stage, and then too Ralph's
left was like a table of four, And that's a premium.
Speaker 2 (23:13):
What would you do?
Speaker 1 (23:14):
I would you? Would you if you were at a
comedy club and you're not like you're just you, I
ain't even gonna fuck it? Would you choose that table?
Speaker 2 (23:25):
I would never. I'd be as far in the back
as humanly possible. If nobody can say to.
Speaker 1 (23:30):
Me it's you know who's like your favorite community. It's
you know what, Steve Carell doing an evening as Michael Scott.
Speaker 2 (23:36):
Oh my god, a dream come true.
Speaker 1 (23:39):
Maybe I want to be clubs are going to be
right there on stage.
Speaker 2 (23:43):
If it was Steve Carrell doing a night of Michael,
I would absolutely purchase that table.
Speaker 1 (23:49):
I did find it like these people are brave, man,
like you never brave. Part of the fun of going
to a comedy club is you're anonymous in the audience
and you're looking up at somebody who's performing.
Speaker 2 (23:59):
Ship do you call people heckler?
Speaker 1 (24:06):
Oh? Well, heckler is the audience and stuff. Crowd work
is the term of art that refers to the comedian
interacting with their audience. It's become rather popular in the
last few years thanks to TikTok, and comedians like doing
it because you can't shoot your act and put it
up then people see it. So if you're like, hey,
(24:28):
where are you from, that's disposable material that's happening right
there that night, and if gold comes out of it,
you get a bunch of laughs. Then you just put
it up in your socials and stuff, because it's not
like that's going to be able. You're not gonna be
able to duplicate that at the next show, right, So
you could see why it's become popular, and it has
led to like comedians selling out and stuff like that,
(24:52):
and now there's a backlash against it where people are like,
look at tired of crowd work. Man, just do a
fucking show. I'm not the show.
Speaker 2 (25:00):
I would be so scared.
Speaker 1 (25:01):
I'm not that guy. I'm not. They've asked me to
do roasts. I can't do that ship. I can't. That
being said, I'm not going to say I'm the king
of crowd work, but as far back as I've been
doing stand up, that's all I did, and do traditional
stand up, I did crowd work. Q and A. Oh,
that's true, absolute crowd work. It relies wholly on the
(25:25):
audience of the conversation.
Speaker 2 (25:26):
The king of a Q and A, except the Q
and A is only one person gets to ask their
question and then you talk the whole time and then
nobody else. That's what you said.
Speaker 1 (25:44):
So yeah, I feel like, never mind all that ship.
Let me tell you this, what's up. I think I
got some gigs us. Yeah, against it. If it was
before the fiftieth show, you ready for this?
Speaker 2 (26:06):
Oh god, right, here's yeah.
Speaker 1 (26:10):
Well, comedy club in a college town I've played before,
Jay has played it apparently recently. They were relatively new
and he had a great success. A small venue, it's
like one hundred and twenty or something. But they were like,
do you think Kevin would ever come? And I was like, well,
(26:33):
I like the town that it's in. I can't give
details yet, so I was like, I would definitely think
about doing it. So they reached out. Jordan was like,
do you want to do shows there? And I was like, yeah,
how many shows? She's like seven? Oh my god. Well
it's like a Thursday two and a Thursday too, and
a Friday too, and a Saturday. Maybe one on a
Sunday or whatever. I was like, let me just do
(26:54):
two nights. Do Friday night, Saturday night? Two shows per night?
Speaker 2 (26:58):
Is it in this state?
Speaker 1 (27:00):
No, you'd have to get on a plane to go someplace.
Increases the chances of it selling out. Why because here, well,
number one, we live in Los Angeles, and nobody gives
a fuck in Los Angeles. Nobody wants to pay for
anything because you get everything for fucking free. True, and also,
you know, fucking what they come see us to a podcast.
But yet you could walk outside and like, well, god,
(27:22):
there's fucking Taylor Swift and fucking that football dude. Famous
people are everywhere. Diamond doesn't. But when you go to
a college town or some town that's not fucking Los Angeles,
like just picking randomly out of the air, Eugene, Oregon?
Speaker 2 (27:37):
Is that it?
Speaker 1 (27:38):
I said, just picking it up the air? Eugene, Oregon
where they shot Animal House?
Speaker 2 (27:46):
Is that the town in question?
Speaker 1 (27:47):
Do you know? I know Oregon the entire state. I know, Well,
we're friends in high school.
Speaker 3 (27:54):
It exists.
Speaker 1 (27:55):
We kind of fell out, but like I'd like to
get to know again. Yeah. So basically it would be
like four shows. I would do you and I would
do the early show, and then I would do solo
the late show. Okay, I get to see how you
are in front of a live audience. Now it's gonna
(28:16):
be different, and also like not for nothing, but you
might want to talk to Jay first and be like
your father's tough in a live show because they ain't
like this all fucking Lucy Goosey and shit where it's
just like all right, then what happens after I fucking
get bit buddy. Oh you know, let's say you're doing
it in the audience. Just this is like I went
(28:37):
back to the elves so tired. Why do we pay
for the show? It's better for free at Oh my god,
that's what I'm saying. So here there's no audience, so
you just do whatever you want and shit like that
could lead to very funny flights of fancy. When you're
on a stage, the dynamic of the show changes based
on the audience because suddenly it's all about those laughs,
(29:00):
because that's how the easiest way for you to know
how you're doing right, Like people laughing. It's like, oh
my god, we're killing this is great if you go real,
you know, people if they do that at all. And
when I go real, I tend to do it deeper
into the show. Once everybody's like laughing, I feel like,
all right, I got everything, and then I got this
(29:21):
under control. Let me fucking throw them a curveball. My
curve ball lately has been like, you know, two years
ago from right now, I was in a loony bin
blah blah blah, stuff like that, and you watch the
audience like fucking tighten up, Like there's sphincters be like, wait, what,
I don't want to it is real, I don't know.
But then you know, you make it okay for them
and stuff like that and start making jokes. So for
(29:45):
years me and MOJ did some mydcasts in a room
just like this, and then we finally took it live
one day and the show completely changed. And I'm not
saying for the better or for the worse. It just
the live shows are different beasts than the home shows
because there's a bunch of people sitting there not watching you,
(30:08):
but letting you know how you're doing. So, I mean,
it doesn't make it scary or anything. It just means
that when you come, you come loaded for bear. Like
you see how you wrote down that thing? Yeah, you
write down four hundred things so that if something's not working,
you could always pull something else up and be like,
(30:30):
oh what about that? Like, because that's what Jay learned
to do over time and stuff. It was like, you
should bring a notebook and write down shit so that
when you're up there you'll never run out of shit.
To say, he took me very seriously, but it's fun,
especially when you win the audience and you're just fucking
making them laugh, and then you feel like a god
(30:51):
because you're like, I control their emotions. I can make
them so happy just by saying something inflecting it like this,
Now I can bring joy. I'm in control emotions. You
are much you are my pup. It's it's there's no
(31:13):
better feeling in the world. It's intoxicating. As you want that.
You've been in front of an audience as a person
who does this ship and goes there, but you've also
been in front of an audience talking as well. Q
and A's are at the podcast we've done.
Speaker 2 (31:26):
I feel like I used to introduce you all the time. Yeah,
as a kid, but like during yoga, hosers got too.
I remember quite a few times I did. I roasted
you one time we went to Comic Con.
Speaker 1 (31:41):
Why I wrote you out of the will, Yeah that
makes sense. I gave everything to Nana Pop.
Speaker 2 (31:49):
Your other children.
Speaker 1 (31:50):
Yeah, man, fucking look, you'll have it easy. You'll have
a man you know why why you can just fucking
tag up easy layups against your old man fine youth
rules and everybody hates old people so true. Now it's
full of old people. So but that's your other way
to win.
Speaker 2 (32:08):
I thought it was a college town.
Speaker 1 (32:10):
It's college town. Who do you think is gonna come out? Well,
that's the thing. The dynamic could be different. Normally, when
I go out there, I'm sitting next to some other
old fucker and we're surrounded by old fuckers, and maybe
they bring their kids. Maybe if they've gotten their kids
into the shit. But you could change everything. It is
a college town. Some people might just come to be like, well,
he's got a daughter and she's not fucking fifty.
Speaker 2 (32:32):
You got a point.
Speaker 1 (32:34):
Or people might just come out of freak curiosity like.
Speaker 2 (32:37):
Ew beardless, tickless me.
Speaker 1 (32:40):
Eh, it's a father and a daughter talking to each other.
How is that even a show? It sounds like a punishment.
I got to check this out. Then you gotta be
charming as fucking win them over, and.
Speaker 2 (32:50):
Shit, I can try my best.
Speaker 1 (32:53):
Sorry, your best is not good enough for you to do.
Speaker 2 (32:59):
Nice?
Speaker 1 (33:01):
But would you like to U you think you're ready
to do this in front of people? I think you're
ready for feeling it. You feel what you feel like.
I am not confidence chip off the old block.
Speaker 2 (33:20):
How do how do we get people to come sell tickets? Well? Yeah,
but but that's scary. What if nobody comes.
Speaker 1 (33:30):
I think that were here. Here's what happened. First, we
put up those shows for sale, just those shows. So
if you're in that area and you're like, all right,
I want to see Kevin Smith. This is how I'm
going to see Kevin Smith. Cool, Like, I'll check it out.
He's funny. I've seen him talk to other people and
ship why not his kid? Once the show sells out,
(33:53):
then I add the late shows where it's me by
myself and they're like, oh, I get the best.
Speaker 2 (33:57):
Of both worlds giving away your plan right now.
Speaker 1 (34:01):
But marketing, sorry, I'm not trying out with the audience,
but it is like, you know, for those who are listening, yeah,
I guess they're like, oh, there's going to be two
bites at this apple. But here, it's easy for me
to tell this audience that because they would be more
inclined to be going to beer. The stickless means ken that.
Speaker 2 (34:21):
I mean, Hey, if Eugene, Oregon will have us, I
will be there feeling it. I'm feeling it now.
Speaker 1 (34:30):
When soon, I mean at least like probably a month
two months, because we need a month to sell tickets,
So at least one month or two months away okay,
but the club is like, we'll do this, but the
(34:50):
deal is that you have to let elves suck your blood,
a thousand of them every day for a year. Yeah,
on stage while people watch. You're gonna sell tickets to it.
Speaker 2 (35:05):
That's the show.
Speaker 1 (35:06):
That's the second show. First show is beer. Listen with me.
They're like, nobody wants to go to Kevin's the solo show.
Now the elves eat your daughter. People will pay to
see that. That's how bad do you want fame?
Speaker 2 (35:18):
Not that bad.
Speaker 1 (35:21):
Where you start paying with blood. Blood in the filthy
mouth of a dirty elf who won't brush.
Speaker 2 (35:28):
His teeth, who has a tooth infection.
Speaker 1 (35:31):
Won't wear a dental damn disrespectful little focks. It doesn't
feel right, It doesn't. That's good, but hey, that's the
rubbers arcade.
Speaker 2 (35:43):
We now, Oh the elves, the silly elves.
Speaker 1 (35:47):
That's when they break the pottery and put it to
your dug ezer, my friend, see my arm bro good body, Helphi.
(36:07):
Oh my god, your mom said something funny yesterday that
made me go, like what, I can't remember.
Speaker 2 (36:17):
She said something.
Speaker 1 (36:18):
Funny, funny in the moment that was actually pretty fire.
Speaker 2 (36:22):
All right, but not fire enough to remember.
Speaker 1 (36:25):
Remember, But I did remember laughing with not that.
Speaker 2 (36:30):
A rare occasion, no kidding, just kidding, just kidding. Who
said that?
Speaker 1 (36:42):
All right? If you were in control of the show,
did you only have that one hypothetical? And that was that?
Oh my god? What driving? Holy shit?
Speaker 6 (36:54):
All right, let's see what else we got in this
notes up?
Speaker 1 (37:00):
Watching anything? How about here? How about this? What'd you
do this weekend? Kid?
Speaker 2 (37:06):
This weekend?
Speaker 1 (37:07):
Yeah? Tell him that?
Speaker 2 (37:09):
Oh okay, where'd to go?
Speaker 3 (37:11):
All right?
Speaker 1 (37:12):
Fucking leg elves sucking my dick? Where you went?
Speaker 2 (37:16):
I thought that. I thought that's what people wanted, That's.
Speaker 1 (37:19):
What I wanted. I was off for I'm so proud.
I can't wait to go home upstairs. I can't wait
to go upstairs. Tell your mother, like, finally she's coming
up their own hypotheses. She's like, they involved sex. I'm like,
not yet, but they will No, they never will run
out murder.
Speaker 2 (37:36):
I was also thinking there could be a new category
that's do you know your daughter's dot dot dot boyfriend?
And I asked you questions about Austin instead of me,
is it.
Speaker 1 (37:46):
Dot dot dot boyfriend, dot dot dot cat, dot dot
dot rabbit? Like you can fill in any category. Yeah,
was it that or no?
Speaker 2 (37:58):
But it could be anything you want.
Speaker 1 (38:00):
Yeah, I can do that because then you know, like
sooner or later, I'll know everything there is to know
about Austin. But like Austin Bellingham, Yep, Austin Bellinghamager Marjorie.
Isn't it Austin Austin, Philip Austin Philip Arthur Charles Zager, Yes,
(38:25):
Austin Slappy Zager.
Speaker 2 (38:30):
There, there you go, Austin. I'll give you the initials
A m Z and.
Speaker 1 (38:36):
Austin Michael Austin Michell after his father. My brother is
a is a masculine junior.
Speaker 2 (38:45):
Oh yeah, Donald.
Speaker 1 (38:47):
My dad's name was Donald. Then my brother's name is Donald.
Speaker 2 (38:50):
It's also the do you know.
Speaker 1 (38:51):
Who I'm named after? Kevin Patrick, the saint?
Speaker 2 (38:57):
Oh my gosh.
Speaker 1 (38:58):
Excuse me. Uh well Patrick does count for the middle name?
Speaker 2 (39:04):
Yeah, Oh Kevin, Kevin Kevin James.
Speaker 1 (39:13):
The King of Queen's was a huge show that my
mother loves, and she was like a name. If it's
a girl, it's Leah, and if it's a boy, it's Kevin.
Speaker 2 (39:24):
No, Kevin.
Speaker 1 (39:25):
It was, as we know, based on the fourth Ory movie.
It was going to be briand yes, of course there
was another Brian David. My mom pivoted with Kevin. But
why Kevin? But why for my uncle.
Speaker 4 (39:40):
keV?
Speaker 1 (39:41):
Which I had none? So no, nothing. She just picked it.
I think mamily picked it just so she could call
me Kevin from him. Ah 's a high bar your life.
(40:02):
I'm like I am from heaven?
Speaker 2 (40:03):
Are I?
Speaker 1 (40:05):
My mother told me? And she never lies. Let me
tell you something about Momily. I love Momily to death.
She ain't above the liar two O. Momily is a
Catholic that was like, you know, some of the ships
for the birds. She'd never say that, but you know
she was like Momily loves loved God and perhaps still does.
(40:30):
She's just not churchy anymore and stuff. But she loved
a bargain more.
Speaker 2 (40:37):
And you know what, who could blame her?
Speaker 1 (40:38):
Sometimes in order to get the best bargains aka the
fabled five finger discount, you have to turn the blind
eye to the Lord.
Speaker 2 (40:48):
Does momiy uh fuck with Marshalls and TJ Max.
Speaker 1 (40:53):
Like I do?
Speaker 3 (40:54):
Momily?
Speaker 1 (40:55):
Given her druthers, Momily would wake up in those stores.
Oh my god, she doesn't do it quite so much anymore.
But when she was driving because mommy gave up the car.
When she was driving, she would go like to the
dollar Store and buy hundreds of dollars worth of things
to give away, to give away, gives this show up
at a person's house and be like, here's a tablecloth.
(41:19):
And she's still like going to those stores as well.
So yeah, Momily would. If you were in Florida and
you were like, mom Y, I'm taking it Home Goods, she'd.
Speaker 2 (41:27):
Be like, oh fuck yeah, Bridley Nana. We oh we
hit up, We hit up Marshalls and we hit up
home Goods and it's a great time because you never
know what you're gonna find, because it's different every day.
Speaker 1 (41:41):
You know what you're going to find, the same crap
you'll find in every home goods across country. Do you
know where you get something one of a kind?
Speaker 2 (41:49):
That's her store.
Speaker 1 (41:51):
I'm sorry, miss Jackson, but this ship's for real. See
these fucking Wanda and Vision Vision and the Scarlet Witch
Paint giant paintings behind me.
Speaker 2 (42:07):
They're really nice.
Speaker 1 (42:08):
Got that on Facebook Marketplace man from Katie Bettini.
Speaker 2 (42:12):
Oh nice, Katie.
Speaker 1 (42:13):
Not only do I get these, man, look how they
make me so happy? They're so vibrant, ship. She painted
them during.
Speaker 2 (42:18):
They are really vibrant.
Speaker 1 (42:19):
Oh my god, they're fucking phenomenal. You should, you should,
I'm gonna tell you something.
Speaker 2 (42:26):
Oh wow, come on, you literally already have one of those,
and I hate it. I'm trying to collect them all.
Speaker 1 (42:36):
Her dor as like a comic book.
Speaker 2 (42:37):
Super Oh really yeah.
Speaker 1 (42:39):
Like pick a body that's like, you know, like you
would recognize, like maybe the Fantastic for like a Soux
Storm or something like that. I gotta figure out which one.
Maybe a dead pull up? You know what?
Speaker 2 (42:49):
Have you seen the The X Men rumor casting?
Speaker 1 (42:54):
No?
Speaker 2 (42:54):
Oh you have not.
Speaker 1 (42:56):
I've been busy. After I went to New Jersey. Well,
I never even finished talking about my I went to
Multicon and then I had Yeah where.
Speaker 2 (43:04):
You said I don't like I do.
Speaker 1 (43:08):
And then I went to Babylon that night and stuff
in Covina and Covino was Discovery. Then I got on
a plane the next morning flew to Schmadcastle Shinemas in
New Jersey.
Speaker 2 (43:19):
Tracy Morgan was Tracy came.
Speaker 1 (43:22):
To see cop out for the fifteenth anniversary screen and
I'm seeing Tracy in Honestly, I was thinking about it,
and I think since the fucking premiere. Wow, Like I
was texting with him before he got into the car accident,
which he fucking brought up at one point, and like,
I lost my ship on stage. I was laughing so
hard because Tracy, like part of Tracy's whole thing is
he like he like he does boasty things like gum
(43:47):
on gids Zolti's pregnant, you know. But he was talking.
He was up there and he was talking about like
adversity and ship and he was like, you can't kill me.
No one could kill me. He goes Walmart, couldn't kill
me because truck almost killed him. He was in an accident,
a really bad accent coming home from a show. I
don't know if they were on a tour bus or
just a regular like pass band kind of thing, but
(44:09):
they Tracy came insanely close to dying. This was like, yeah,
I remember, and he did lose his friend. Oh, it
was a bad accident. It took him a while to
get back, you know, up on his feet. But now
you would never fucking tell. So he was up there
talking about that, but Joe like he wasn't talking about that,
but dropping a reference to that in a joke. Yeah,
(44:31):
Like I didn't see that shit coming. Talk about like
way to deal with your trauma? Man, Yeah, turned into
some comedy, but he was absolutely fucking lovely and stuff,
and you want to talk about trauma bonding. Him and
I went through a thing together and it was nice
to kind of be up there. And it wasn't like,
let's shoot it on fucking Bruce, not at all. Like
(44:52):
watching the movie from end to end, which I have
not done in fifteen fucking years. I didn't fuck with
this movie like I fucked with my own because I
wrote my own and I continue to build my universe
and shit like that. The cop out was like fraught
with a bunch of shit, including like all the stuff
with Bruce, and this was coming on the heels of
two Fat to Fly and then like I got in
a fight with critics and shit like that. It's so
(45:15):
interesting time, Oh my god, nightmare. So I it's not
a movie every visited. I've never had like the poster
framed in the house or anything like that. And watching
it like at on Sunday at the podcastle like it's
a fucking It's like, so I'm so wishy washy, like
(45:37):
a fuck. Critic goes like you suck, and I'm like,
you're right, I suck. It's a goodass movie. It's fun.
I don't think I've ever seen it like he he
makes it like Tracy is absolutely like comedically wonderful. Like
he literally makes me laugh out loud throughout the movie funny.
But Bruce like does Bruce, you know, and like that's
(46:01):
the thing. He didn't want to. He was kind of
tired of playing Bruce at that point. But he gives
good Bruce. The whole time I was watching the movie,
I wasn't sitting there going like, oh he made it
hard and shit. I was like, man, fucking I got
to work with Bruce Belson. Look there he is giving
me full Bruce Willis and shit like that. But yeah,
it was. It was wonderful. It was very therapeutic. And
(46:21):
then he got up before the screening and chit Chad,
and then he got up afterwards and chit chatted as well,
and then he signed the wall and then he had
to get out. But it was absolutely fucking wonderful and
nice to you know, like when bad things happen in
you know, movies and shit like that. I've often described
(46:44):
it as like I described it this way, in front
of somebody. Oh. I was on a panel on Saturday
at Multicon. I was on a panel with Robert Kirkman
Walking Dead and Invincible and Rob Leifeld who created a
dead Pool and the fucking Marvel kids that helped create
image or co created image and shit. And I was
(47:05):
talking about like what happens like when a movie flops, man,
Like it's it's like you know, in the Bible, when
fucking Jesus gets arrested and all the apostles scatter and
they're like, hey, you knew that guy, right, and like, no, no,
I never heard of Jesus. And then you hear cock
brow and like that that it's there's you know, cop
(47:29):
Out didn't flop. It's actually my highest grossing film. Wow,
But I ran from that movie when all was said
and done and shit. And it was nice to engage
with it with him in the room and him talking
about it, being like, you know, this was my shot,
Like I shot this movie down the street from where
(47:51):
I was born, in my neighborhood. It's really really kind
of speed that sweet. And then the next day I
got on a plane and I went to a place
so I can't double yet to do some scouting location
scouting for the new motion picture.
Speaker 2 (48:07):
That's extremely exact.
Speaker 1 (48:11):
And then I came home yesterday.
Speaker 2 (48:13):
I was in Rhode Island.
Speaker 1 (48:15):
Yes, Like, I was like, tell them what you did?
Speaker 2 (48:18):
Hold on, I'll tell them what I hold on one second?
Speaker 1 (48:21):
What the fuck are you doing Rhode Island? I was filming,
trying to feel big because it's a small estate. There
is you.
Speaker 2 (48:27):
Well, it is so clever?
Speaker 3 (48:29):
Have you so clever?
Speaker 2 (48:32):
But you do that ship to me all the time.
Speaker 1 (48:36):
I never mock your fucking material.
Speaker 3 (48:42):
Are you kidding?
Speaker 1 (48:44):
Are you?
Speaker 2 (48:45):
All you do all day is want me to make
fun of me. That's all you do.
Speaker 1 (48:53):
All you fucking do. Yeah, all right, tell them what
did you do in Rhode Island?
Speaker 2 (49:02):
I was part of the special secret project motion picture.
Speaker 1 (49:07):
I wish what what part of Rhode Island?
Speaker 2 (49:12):
I was all over the place.
Speaker 1 (49:14):
Seriously all over. It doesn't take long.
Speaker 2 (49:16):
Like I was driving all I felt like you.
Speaker 1 (49:20):
Because I was driving all around.
Speaker 2 (49:22):
Yeah, I was driving all around.
Speaker 1 (49:24):
Hoke. I was to call you Hoke and Ship because
you were behind the wheel of the car driving this daisy.
They didn't, but I'm supposed to drive you wig.
Speaker 2 (49:39):
I was in Providence.
Speaker 1 (49:40):
I was in Newport, Providence World Newport. Oh that's where
I got the big houses.
Speaker 2 (49:45):
Yes, the mansions if you will.
Speaker 1 (49:47):
Yeah, my brother used to fuck with that when I
was a kid, Like he went there. Yeah, my mother
still talks about it to this day. My sister's moving
to Providence. Yeah, only fan or only listener, the person
we do those whole fun.
Speaker 2 (49:58):
The only person listening right now.
Speaker 1 (49:59):
Truly shout out to my sister Virginia and her husband
Eric and Sabine, her daughter, are moving to Providence. That
they looked all around that they used to live over
in Europe and one on Vienna, so they're coming back.
They looked at six different seven different cities, and they
were like, we're going to Providence. So next time you.
Speaker 2 (50:19):
Go back, I will see that.
Speaker 1 (50:22):
I would you go back to Providence? Sure?
Speaker 2 (50:26):
I had so much good food you wouldn't believe.
Speaker 1 (50:29):
Seriously, Oh my god, Now is it vegan food that's
like real vegetables and ship would I've hated it? No?
Speaker 2 (50:35):
You would have actually loved the food that I had.
I had like fried chicken, mashed potatoes, gravy like she
like that pastas of all kinds.
Speaker 1 (50:47):
None of them includes vegetables.
Speaker 2 (50:49):
No, and then no vegetable. It was, oh my god,
it was so good. Onion rings, br bogos.
Speaker 1 (50:55):
How many days were you there? Goos? How many days
were you there? How was the bogo tonight?
Speaker 2 (51:00):
It's extremely good. My dad made me some bogos for dinner.
Speaker 1 (51:04):
What's how many days are you there for? How many
meals did you have? Uh?
Speaker 2 (51:09):
Well, we were there for two full days and we
got there on Thursday night, had a meal, then the
next two days had three meals a day, as one does,
I guess, so seven's we hit seven different spots, seven
(51:31):
different spots.
Speaker 1 (51:33):
Different vegan joints. Yes, and do you have to pay
at everyone?
Speaker 2 (51:37):
No, come in, didn't have to pay a single.
Speaker 1 (51:39):
One because you're doing a thing.
Speaker 2 (51:41):
We're doing a thing.
Speaker 1 (51:42):
We ate here and what good you should come here
to the end that kind of thing. Yes, that's a
good racket right there.
Speaker 2 (51:52):
It was pretty cool there, just eating your way around.
Speaker 1 (51:57):
It's a grown up trick or treat. It literally was
like fucking trick.
Speaker 2 (52:01):
Except I was like, oh my god.
Speaker 3 (52:07):
Food was good, but too much of it.
Speaker 1 (52:11):
I remember once this is back in the non vegan days.
Speaker 2 (52:14):
Steak tartar.
Speaker 1 (52:16):
Never mind that, but yes, when I went. I was
working for the Tonight Show, me and Andy mccalfish doing
bits for the Tonight Show. We went to Philadelphia or
as you used to call it, Ciliadelphia, and we did
a cheese steak a cheese steak run. Oh and so
we went to eight different cheese steak joints.
Speaker 2 (52:38):
Oh my god, I had.
Speaker 1 (52:39):
I ate a cheese steak at each one, like a
whole cheese steak. Eight cheese steaks in two hours. I
was like, I kept it all down. It was amazing.
Speaker 2 (52:49):
I had a lot of bread steak egg rolls.
Speaker 1 (52:53):
Oh.
Speaker 2 (52:54):
It was fan.
Speaker 1 (52:55):
They did that in Newport in Rhode Island.
Speaker 2 (52:58):
In Rhode Island, in Providence. It was fantastic.
Speaker 1 (53:03):
Did here I was in where I just was which
I can't divulge just yet, but it was down in
the south.
Speaker 2 (53:10):
Was there vegan food?
Speaker 1 (53:12):
Shockingly yes? Wow, oh bro there was like Whole Foods.
There was a Sprouts. This place is civilized. They did
have a restaurant called the Slutty Vecan.
Speaker 2 (53:22):
They have a Slutty Vegan there.
Speaker 1 (53:24):
I don't know if it's the same, but it's called
the Slutty Vegan. They have a a housemade patty not
beyond or.
Speaker 2 (53:33):
I would have to guess it's the same, because that's
like a trademark situation. Oh my gosh, it's crazy.
Speaker 1 (53:41):
They they but they had a lot of a lot
of things there. Okay, but wait, why was I talking
about this?
Speaker 2 (53:49):
We love vegan food.
Speaker 1 (53:50):
I know, no, but there was a specific reason in
the place I went. You went to a place there,
and then you did it, and then you and then
you can no, there was something fucking about it about
(54:13):
the place. I wanted to fuck fuck me if I
could remember.
Speaker 2 (54:20):
You can't remember.
Speaker 1 (54:22):
I mean here, you should remember. You should be able
to pull that up right away and be like, oh,
we were talking about that?
Speaker 2 (54:27):
Are you kidding me? My memory is worse than yours.
Between the weed and the antidepresents and ain't too good
up there.
Speaker 1 (54:34):
We need a third We need mom to sit here
so she could throw out ship and be like, you
were talking about this, that's true, someone to take notes.
But Mom would be like, like, Jim, what were we
talking about? She would be like, not me.
Speaker 2 (54:46):
So true, so true. Actually I wish you were talking
about me a little more about me.
Speaker 1 (54:55):
Oh my god, yeah, man, it.
Speaker 2 (54:59):
Was sorry, I keep coughing.
Speaker 1 (55:03):
God, why did I fucking bring up the police. I
don't know.
Speaker 2 (55:07):
I can't read your mind.
Speaker 1 (55:10):
It wasn't the food.
Speaker 2 (55:13):
Did you buy a thing.
Speaker 1 (55:16):
You do around me with like did that phone?
Speaker 2 (55:20):
Sorry?
Speaker 1 (55:21):
That like a fucking Rhode Island. Rhode Islands got food?
Speaker 2 (55:24):
Remember how you were like, you mock me and I
don't mock you.
Speaker 1 (55:28):
I don't know that's mocking.
Speaker 2 (55:30):
Oh mocking god, bruh, How the hell would I know?
Speaker 1 (55:37):
What were we talking about before that?
Speaker 2 (55:39):
We were talking about your trip and then my trip.
Speaker 1 (55:42):
And then your trip, and then you said something and
then I was like.
Speaker 2 (55:47):
Philly cheese steak egg rolls.
Speaker 1 (55:49):
Yeah, hold on all right, stay there, Philly cheese stake rolls.
Speaker 2 (55:53):
You went on that food tour with Andy?
Speaker 1 (55:56):
Yeah? And you then you well, I talked about the
cheese and then he were like, bro, I had Billy
cheese take egg rolls.
Speaker 6 (56:04):
And I was like, yep, it's gone. It's lost in.
Speaker 1 (56:18):
The imagine if it was like, oh, this is where
I finally tell her where I buried her inheritance.
Speaker 2 (56:23):
Fucking remember.
Speaker 1 (56:25):
I remember, did you see the case of that motherfucking
dude who like had a bunch of bitcoin on a
drive and then hissed it out by accident, dude, and
then was like trying to find it. And first he
was trying to find it, then he was trying to
open it, have it opened remotely, and the courts were like, no,
that that big. Unless you can find the drive, that
(56:46):
shit is lost. And he kind of found like a
place where it might be, this landfill because now he's
got a bunch of investors together because he's trying it.
He's trying to get investors together because he wants to
buy the entire landfill so he can find it because
it's seven hundred and sixty million dollars.
Speaker 2 (57:01):
Are you unfamiliar with the fact that Austin did an
episode of nine to one one where he played got
you lost a hard drive?
Speaker 1 (57:12):
With millions of crypto Ronald keep telling your story ship
you read it online? Austin lived nine one one on
Gay right. I keep hearing who I saw Ernie this weekend?
It's Podcastle Keeper Ernie O'Donnell And he was like, man
fucking Austin blowing up right, And I was like, wait
(57:34):
a minute, He's like, I see him in commercials all
the time. I was like, do you mean you see
him in the same two commercials all the time. Ye
still no, but it's their high rotation. Is he even
more than two commercials? Is he?
Speaker 2 (57:46):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (57:47):
So the Hulk one?
Speaker 2 (57:49):
Oh, actually he's three.
Speaker 1 (57:51):
Coming Pizza Little Caesars. Yeah, I mean, if it was,
I've said that out loud. Fucking I think I think
I'm battle on this weekend. I was talking. You talked
about Austin's, Yeah, because that was because Ralph brought him up.
Ralphs like Austin's everywhere these days.
Speaker 2 (58:10):
Really everybody's talking about me.
Speaker 1 (58:14):
I sat that boy down, said you marry my daughter
right now. Pizza, pizza, pizza money, and ship have a
little Caesar's money. And then I lobbied for him to
become a live action Little Caesar looks like him, the
fuzzy hair and fucking the heighth thing, all these pizza
pizza you guys should do that for Halloween. He could
(58:40):
be the pizza pizza guy and you could be up pizza.
That's kind of smart, I'm saying. And then people would
be like, little Caesar, you're gonna eat that pizza? What
if you look around to make sure I'm not there
and be like, damn eat that pizza. And that's when
I walk in the room.
Speaker 2 (58:58):
He's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, all right, what
if he gets in trouble? Who Austin?
Speaker 1 (59:08):
You mean pregnant? Nozzizzad he lost it? And Ship No.
He comes home one night and he was just like, Hey,
we're going to offer me a fucking deal. But you're
a loud mouth old man. I mean, first they have
to listen to beardless stick with me.
Speaker 2 (59:26):
Good luck, guys.
Speaker 1 (59:28):
Nobody gonna hear you know who knows now you're and
Virginian mamaly. That's not true.
Speaker 3 (59:36):
Man.
Speaker 1 (59:36):
When I was out there in the world, A heard
I met some beardless stick with Me listeners. I told
you I saw dick lid shirts in the audience and
Ship and none. The motherfucker was like, picture.
Speaker 2 (59:44):
Hair ticklet's out in the wild happening.
Speaker 1 (59:46):
That's why when we do that live show, some people
might travel. Man. Chris Davis has been known to jump
on a plane to go to I.
Speaker 2 (59:54):
Was gonna say, Chris Davis and Hardy might come come through.
Speaker 1 (59:58):
I mean that'd be cross country track because they live
in Massachusetts. I mean you could definitely, I mean not definitely,
but I bet you they would go to the Jersey
show for sure, but you know, I think that could
be exciting. Would you play music at the show? Would
you close out with? Probably not, he said there strung
(01:00:19):
Maybe people shoot any fish? Fish got no fee what
you're sucking it up?
Speaker 3 (01:00:38):
Shot shot.
Speaker 1 (01:00:40):
That come out of stage.
Speaker 2 (01:00:45):
And then you're like, you go behind the curtain again.
Speaker 1 (01:00:48):
Shoot fish because he's sucking up again.
Speaker 3 (01:00:54):
We heard that.
Speaker 1 (01:00:56):
Stop playing. We heard that and it's hurtful.
Speaker 2 (01:01:00):
I like how you walk like I come out.
Speaker 1 (01:01:02):
Like that, And now we're all just gonna sit here
until we're polite to my daughter, and she covers Nirvana.
Speaker 2 (01:01:11):
With some tweaked lyrics.
Speaker 1 (01:01:14):
Yeah, she's getting them wrong, but like she's just trying.
Speaker 6 (01:01:19):
Okay, she's trying.
Speaker 1 (01:01:20):
She just wants entertained so badly. I trying to entertain you.
Speaker 2 (01:01:25):
Please let her come up. I told her, it makes
you feel like a god.
Speaker 3 (01:01:35):
Please.
Speaker 5 (01:01:44):
It's not okay because they got all the bee.
Speaker 1 (01:01:51):
Sure, I'm pretty sure one of two things happening after
this Bugget show. She's quitting the business and he's probably
going back in the movie.
Speaker 2 (01:02:01):
I'm coming with.
Speaker 3 (01:02:06):
What the cover is gone.
Speaker 2 (01:02:10):
My mouth it's from smiling.
Speaker 1 (01:02:14):
Smile. You're not up there even doing it. You're like,
it's okay.
Speaker 2 (01:02:20):
No, it's not okay in my version. It's not okay
in my version.
Speaker 1 (01:02:26):
He's not okaying, Like she's going to too hard dig
and fee you. Hey, that's me come back like you did.
Speaker 2 (01:02:47):
You just did in the audience, crab shuffle up, Grab.
Speaker 4 (01:02:56):
Shut.
Speaker 2 (01:02:59):
It again, you crabs.
Speaker 1 (01:03:03):
Pretty nice to try.
Speaker 3 (01:03:06):
She make it hard.
Speaker 1 (01:03:17):
The crops really got me another thing. T shirts still on. So,
oh my god, oh my god.
Speaker 2 (01:03:29):
The crab shovel.
Speaker 1 (01:03:31):
There it is, kids, there's beardless this week.
Speaker 2 (01:03:36):
You didn't need a minute to calm down from that one.
Speaker 1 (01:03:39):
I thank you Grab. That's how you have to enter
stage when you go perform live. For the first time,
I saw a ghost h for beardless stick. This's me.
(01:04:00):
I'm Krabby Kevin Smith and I.
Speaker 2 (01:04:02):
Am grabs a lot, Harley.
Speaker 1 (01:04:05):
Go have a beardless dickless day.
Speaker 7 (01:04:18):
This has been a podcast production s podcast podcast using
our mouths on you since two thousand and seven. Hey, kids,
did you like what you just heard? Well, guess what.
We've got tons more, man thousands of hours of podcasts
waiting for you at that Kevinsmith Club dot com.
Speaker 1 (01:04:38):
Go sign up now.
Hosts And Creators
Harley Quinn Smith
Kevin Smith
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