Kids in the Hallmark

Kevin and Harley recap the Wicked singalong before diving deeply into ancient inscriptions on greeting cards. Plus: A Hump Bunny No More!

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:23):
Hey, they're hi. They're hole there. Hello there as welcome
as can be to beardless dickless me.

Speaker 2 (00:33):
I'm Kevin Smith and I'm Harley Quinn Smith.

Speaker 1 (00:37):
Let me tell you something. I was back east. I
did some shows at Spodcastle this weekend and then I
went to see Mamily. So this week's show, unless you
have something to bring to the table, Wow, will be

(00:58):
primarily about those things. However, her I think with the
audience craves is a Bill update.

Speaker 2 (01:08):
I keep getting messages on Instagram about Billy people are people?
Are the people need to know the Billy update?

Speaker 1 (01:14):
Like what's going on with this rabbit? And it's nuts.
So for those who came in late, Billy is Harley's
rescue rabbit, rescued from bel Air. He's just like, hardly
a rescue. More like I was fucking kidnapped from Paradise,
brought to the fucking fire valley, and then and then

(01:38):
I was taken to a doctor. I thought for a
check out.

Speaker 2 (01:43):
Yeah, it's been a it's been a rough couple of
weeks for Bill. Bill had to evacuate. Bill was first
brought taken from his previous home and brought to mine.

Speaker 1 (01:56):
That probably wasn't explained to him either. I tried, and
now once you got them, you probably found out why.
They were like, take this fuck bunny away. Bunny kids.
I mean, look, they're all fu bunnies, but this they are.
She was at one point probably and then somebody had

(02:18):
her fixed.

Speaker 2 (02:19):
You know, Cinnamon could have had babies and I didn't
even know, like before yeah, but before because.

Speaker 3 (02:25):
She could have had a whole fan, she could have
had a whole family.

Speaker 1 (02:29):
It's true.

Speaker 2 (02:30):
I wonder if there are Siner children out there? You know,
ever thought about it?

Speaker 1 (02:39):
I did once. I was like, this is Bunny, Yeah,
any kids? And is that why? You know? She looks
at me bitter like, buddy, let me out. I've got
to get to my kids. Did she wait? Did they
all right? So you know how lucky he's got like

(02:59):
fucking danglers? Whoa whoa glass? Nipples Galore, that's her big name. Nipples.

Speaker 2 (03:09):
Don't talk about Way's nipples.

Speaker 1 (03:11):
Welcome to the stage, Nipples Galore. People are like, uh,
I don't want to give a ten dollars bill to
a crying German shepherd dog stripper. What happened to this club?

Speaker 2 (03:27):
Kind of looks like a bear yeah.

Speaker 1 (03:29):
More bear like than dog. And this is really sad.
It's just said, it's not even a human? What? What? Where? Do?

Speaker 2 (03:37):
Where am I?

Speaker 1 (03:38):
What's going on? Tried something different? You know they have
vegan strip clubs like an organ. We'll hear dog strip clubs.
Look at all them nipples regardless. Going back to the nipples, Wow,
we know she has had a litter, not just Birdie
is living proof. But you can tell about nipples? Do rabbits?

Speaker 2 (03:59):
I can't say I ever saw Cinnamon's nipples.

Speaker 1 (04:02):
So maybe I can't say. And what well? Have you
ever seen a video of baby rabbits nursing? Yeah? Did
they do it like dogs? Like puppies at the belly?

Speaker 2 (04:11):
Actually, I think, But now that you mention it, welcome
to the stage.

Speaker 1 (04:20):
Nipples galore, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 2 (04:24):
He wants us to stop talking about her nipples?

Speaker 1 (04:26):
What's up? Nipples?

Speaker 2 (04:28):
Whoa that?

Speaker 1 (04:32):
Fucking? That would get? That would get a twenty dollars
bill for me?

Speaker 2 (04:35):
That's our performance.

Speaker 1 (04:37):
I would just put it on the stage, though I
wouldn't handed to her. Have you ever been to a
strip club?

Speaker 2 (04:41):
Yes? Have you?

Speaker 3 (04:46):
No?

Speaker 1 (04:48):
I no? When have you been in a strip club?

Speaker 2 (04:51):
In Vegas?

Speaker 1 (04:53):
Oh really Yeah, when fancy overpet? Did you get like
a bottle of Christa?

Speaker 4 (04:58):
Like we were young, as young as young ass who
exactly what did you do?

Speaker 2 (05:07):
What one does have a strip club?

Speaker 1 (05:09):
But I mean, were you guys doing something else? You're like,
you didn't go to Vegas just to go to strip club,
because if you did, I raised your poorly.

Speaker 2 (05:15):
No, we were there. We were there. It was when
I was there with Austin, Gabe, Nick and Luke.

Speaker 1 (05:23):
So you were like, let's all go to the strip club.

Speaker 4 (05:25):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (05:26):
Were you on the stage? Did you do private dances?

Speaker 2 (05:29):
No?

Speaker 1 (05:30):
Did you go to the champagne room?

Speaker 2 (05:31):
No?

Speaker 1 (05:32):
Were you near the stage?

Speaker 2 (05:34):
Yeah?

Speaker 1 (05:34):
Did you hand money over to the chorus? Did you
hand them the money with your hand or did you
put it on the stage or humble it up and
hurl it in their face?

Speaker 2 (05:47):
I definitely didn't crumple it up.

Speaker 1 (05:50):
And then I raised that's good, thank god. You were
like take it.

Speaker 2 (05:55):
I definitely gave it respectfully with your hand.

Speaker 1 (05:59):
Now, let me tell you strip club stories of old
named Brian Johnson to go to strip clubs. There was
an old period for like maybe six months maybe less,
where we went to strip clubs. What feels like an
inordinate amount of times. It was probably like maybe five times.
There was a place called Strutters in Long Branch and
it was a juice bars. You know what juice bar is.

Speaker 2 (06:22):
I can't say I do juice.

Speaker 1 (06:23):
Bar means in New Jersey, I don't know. The laws
may have changed. But back then, because this is in
the early nineties, mind you and you were just a
twinkle in my eye at a strip club. God, there
was nothing.

Speaker 2 (06:37):
It was my biography name.

Speaker 1 (06:40):
Twinkle in Dad's Eye, Twinkle in his Eye at the
strip club, the Harley Quinnsmith story. We uh no, there's
nothing erotic about the story. More sad, not sad, but
like just kind of We went there, me and Brian
like strip club, strip and then you get there and
like the artist on stage, like we couldn't. We saw

(07:04):
how the other dudes were interacting with them and it
wasn't like, like, you know, aggressive or anything like that,
but it was how does one put this, I guess cringe,
not creepy cringe. They would, you know. So either the
dancer is slightly elevated or elevated on the stage and

(07:25):
you're sitting at the edge of the stage. So these
motherfuckers and me like me and Brian saw like what
was a father son team? I mean maybe brother brother,
but they look like father son, so they are no. Yeah, dance,
it was hot as fuck. Now welcome to the stage.

(07:46):
Millie and the son Milli Junior. The erotic number they
put together to the two number eleven an elevator. No, man,
this is the two dudes watching the So the strippers
dancing and stuff, and these dudes are like locked eyes
like of course on her body and stuff. But when

(08:08):
she does the dip to collects, they hold out money.
They're looking into her eyes, boring into her soul as
if like this is love and stuff. That unnerved me
a little bit.

Speaker 2 (08:23):
Ye.

Speaker 1 (08:24):
Then the other thing that unnerved me was the dancers
would to accept the bill like for these dudes, and
we watched it happen, and then me and Brian, the
stripper would like take the bill, but like take drag
the dude's hand toward like her inner thigh or something

(08:47):
like that. And you know, you can see some dudes
just like at the top of their hand hit the
inner thick and then there's some dudes that go for
the fucking reach and you see the girls like move
back and shit, so I mean Brian or like, you know,
we don't want to be there. So the girl would
dance over to us. We would be like, you don't
you don't have to do anything, We just want to

(09:08):
talk to you, and so she'd be like okay, and
then she bend down and it was just like do
you like doing this? There was a series of questions
that we thought we were being like enlightened, loo, look
at these fucking fools who are like, you know, trying
to seduce the dancer or fucking worse, get hands on
her and shit, we'll talk to her like she's just

(09:29):
a real person and shit. And instead all we did
we'll be like, was it like to be a stripper?
Is it cold up there? Do you hate all these guys?
And she I remember the one girl told us a
story where she was like, it's all right, she's like
earlier tonight some guy tried to stick his finger in
my ass and Brian tipped her like an extra forty

(09:51):
bucks and were This was when we were like poor.
Forty bucks was like a week's wages, but we were going,
you know, with dollars because it was the early nineties.
But Brian with a big heart, was just like you know,
first seat. He tipped her to come talk to us,
and then when she gave her fucking horror fike tail,

(10:14):
he tipped her the rest of his money so that
after she moved away because eventually they move on, it
was like, I don't have any more money. So there
was a lot of this, a lot of like what
are you guys doing after? Not in a creepy way,
like do you guys want to go to the diner
and get coffee? That's who we were. We thought we

(10:36):
were better than everybody else in his chip club because
we wanted to engage with the artists, not in a
sexual fashion, but more like, let's just pick their brain.

Speaker 2 (10:47):
I just want to know what's a day in the life.

Speaker 1 (10:50):
Like it was. It was crazy. So I know that
there are I've seen the etiquette with which one hands bills.
I'm not just saying this because you're my kid, this
is fucking true fact story. If I had to hand
over money, it was literally like give me your hand

(11:10):
to the stripper. I would be like shok and and
Bryan wouldn't go for the whole like drag the hand
over and stuff. A lot of conversations. Those the strippers
may not have had to deal with us ogling them
or trying to touch them. Instead, they had to deal

(11:32):
with art, with your question, with our commerce. Are like
are you.

Speaker 2 (11:36):
Cold as crazy?

Speaker 1 (11:39):
You know? They were like, oh, these fucking fools think
they're different than the other fools. They're just fools in
a different fucking way. And there their angle is, Hey, man,
we're not like them. Yeah, we just run engage in conversation. Man,
what do you think this state of the world? Man?
Do you read John Irving?

Speaker 2 (11:58):
Oh my god, oh my god, O Lord Korean? How
did you get there?

Speaker 1 (12:06):
I don't know. I'm trying to remember nipples. Billy Walky,
Welcome to the stage.

Speaker 3 (12:17):
All right, so wait, back to Billy's back to okay, Yeah.

Speaker 1 (12:21):
So Billy was a very humpy little rabbit.

Speaker 2 (12:25):
Really is hoppy and humpy? Oh my lord?

Speaker 1 (12:27):
Happy hoppy and humpy, but happy today.

Speaker 2 (12:32):
May not be as happy or humpy today.

Speaker 1 (12:36):
Harley took Billy to the place where Billy and his
balls went in.

Speaker 2 (12:42):
And only Billy came out.

Speaker 1 (12:45):
She went into the octagon Billy and his balls only
one remain.

Speaker 2 (12:49):
Billy did get neutered yesterday.

Speaker 1 (12:53):
Before you go further. I just want to give you
full warning. Yeah, just as somebody randomly in a review
attacked you for being too first world because you were like,
I don't want to get robbed the first episode, they
are going to attack you for like you took choice

(13:14):
away from that bunny.

Speaker 3 (13:16):
Oh my god, yourself a California.

Speaker 2 (13:19):
Oh lord, I just listen. He was humping my cats.
I didn't want someone weird. I spread it.

Speaker 1 (13:27):
Did you have Austin fixed? Because I'm sure he's a
humber as well. That's what you're gonna get online. I mean,
I guess, because who wants to be sticky forever? Yeah,
that's right. He left a lot of himself, all of it.
Did Jackson pollocked your house?

Speaker 2 (13:43):
I hate to say he kind of did, but it
was incoming.

Speaker 1 (13:47):
It will change.

Speaker 2 (13:49):
I don't think so, but.

Speaker 1 (13:51):
I'm double now. Literally, that's all you left me was
the fun of shitting.

Speaker 2 (13:57):
Poor guy.

Speaker 1 (13:58):
I can't have a conversation. What A had going for
me was this big old dick. They don't they don't
take that away.

Speaker 2 (14:06):
They know they don't take his dick away. They just
they castraight.

Speaker 1 (14:12):
He don't take his dick away. Billy the Bun Billy
the Bunny.

Speaker 2 (14:17):
It's hey, it is beardless Dickless me.

Speaker 1 (14:20):
That's true. Oh my god, he is uh Billy Bunny Bun.

Speaker 2 (14:27):
Billy ballis Bun.

Speaker 3 (14:30):
There's a shirt Billy Billy the Ball at Bun.

Speaker 2 (14:32):
Speaking of shirts, Speaking of shirts, they're on the way
which ones I'm a dick Lit?

Speaker 1 (14:38):
Do you like him?

Speaker 2 (14:39):
I do? If you would like to proudly wear your
commitment to the show, you cannot.

Speaker 1 (14:48):
Do you want to acknowledge that you've heard of this
show or listen to it once or twice.

Speaker 2 (14:52):
You can't wear it on a shirt show the world.

Speaker 1 (14:55):
We've got Joe Rogan type numbers by wearing your I'm
a dick Lit shirt.

Speaker 2 (15:02):
And I couldn't get Beardless Dickless Me on the back
because it was too expensive.

Speaker 1 (15:07):
First run of the shirts, I was like, how many
does you make? Four hundred, five hundred, She's like forty.

Speaker 3 (15:13):
I was like, well, listen, there's a good sell up.

Speaker 2 (15:16):
This is a this is an investment.

Speaker 3 (15:19):
And experiment and now here, look, I cost money.

Speaker 1 (15:22):
I'm mocking this. Prows Day in my life, second Prowse
day in my life. The day you were like to
be accurate, I was like, thank Christ. Now you're like
a T shirts at my I'm like, now she gets it.
That was roughly your age when it happened when I
started selling selling T shirts. Yeah, how old? Are not

(15:43):
twenty five? You're going to be twenty six.

Speaker 2 (15:45):
I'm not going to answer that.

Speaker 1 (15:46):
I was twenty five from mall rants. Yeah really, bro,
you're you're right for the T shirts. Yeah, you're gonna
see man watch. Wouldn't it be amazing if you were?
This was the beginning of you becoming a T shirt
magne or it starts with I'm a dicklet, but like

(16:07):
you learned to diversify, and then other people like can
you make my shirt? And you become like Stanley DeSantis,
the king of the T shirt in the eighties. Damn
he was a dude that did all the Bowlingkle T
shirts and like you know, retro vintage character T shirts
now throw a rock and you can get anything on
a T shirt.

Speaker 2 (16:27):
You can truly get anything.

Speaker 1 (16:28):
Literally, this was at a time where T shirts were
not made to order. You were given T shirts, and
the Stanley DeSantis T shirts even now online like on
eBay go from like a five hundred dollars fucking t
shirt that I used to own and ship. Yeah, yeah,
so you could be Stanley.

Speaker 2 (16:47):
I'm a dick. Lit shirts are also five.

Speaker 1 (16:49):
Yes, that's that's how you make the money. She only
made forty, but a five hundred bucks apiece. She's gonna
fucking clear.

Speaker 5 (16:55):
Quick the problem.

Speaker 2 (16:56):
Just kidding their thirty thirty five dollars before shipping.

Speaker 1 (17:01):
Yes, yeah, don't forget that shipping an air.

Speaker 2 (17:03):
Don't forget about it.

Speaker 1 (17:04):
No, you don't, because that's the fucking hidden costs. Man.
It's like you think it's the making of the T shirt,
it's the sending of the T shirt out. Oh, you
might want to investigate. You haven't put it up to
sell yet. Okay. First thing you want to do is
take a standard T shirt, stick it into an envelope

(17:26):
of some sort or a bag, you know, at the
post office or the FedEx center, depending on how everyone do it.
If I'm FedEx is very expensive, Oh yeah we're not.
It's probably United States post Office. So they sell, I
mean they don't even sell. They give free packaging. So
you could take the T shirt, go there and do

(17:48):
a test run where you're going to, like any T
shirt at that point, stepped into one of their arm
in one of their plastic baggy things or a paper.

Speaker 2 (17:58):
Are they free?

Speaker 1 (18:01):
I enjoy it, I mean for the moment. Post Office
may change over the course of the next four years
and Jeff Bezos may take it over, it may become
an Amazon post the United States Post Office, a division
of Amazon. But until then, yeah, you walk in. I mean,
maybe that's why post Office always hurting for money, because
they give away a lot of shit, not the postage
stamps that shit.

Speaker 2 (18:21):
Still, I'm always buying bags like a goddamn.

Speaker 1 (18:24):
Well, then you're a fucking sucker. Bro. I hate to say,
I hate to say, skin of my skin, flesh of
my flesh, cleaved for my own soul. But you're a sucker.
That simple. Yes, Yeah, So you get the bag. You
go there with a T shirt, you grab a bag,
you stick the bag in, weigh it, and see how

(18:45):
much it would cost to send literally anywhere in the
United States. Then you'll have a general idea of what
it's gonna Caution, because I'm going to tell you right now,
you're saying five bucks shipping handling. That would have worked
in the nineties.

Speaker 2 (18:58):
Bro, I never said that.

Speaker 1 (19:00):
Said thirty five for the shirt. I'm assuming five. You
know what, You're right, I never said that.

Speaker 2 (19:04):
Excuse me, Well.

Speaker 1 (19:06):
Then it was from the nineties, because I am tooties,
all right. So T shirts coming soon. They'll be available
at beardless stickless meat dot com.

Speaker 3 (19:17):
Now to sum it.

Speaker 2 (19:18):
Up, yes, T shirts are coming. Billy has no balls,
and uh he's he's pretty pissed about it.

Speaker 1 (19:24):
But has he calmed down?

Speaker 2 (19:26):
He has calmed down and all right.

Speaker 1 (19:28):
Now he just sits on the floor stairs and plots
his revenge.

Speaker 3 (19:31):
Probably I'm not steal your nuts in the night.

Speaker 1 (19:33):
How about that? You're like, well, I got.

Speaker 2 (19:35):
SPA and neutering is very important.

Speaker 1 (19:38):
Was to Bob Barker, who was a neighbor of ours,
lived in the neighborhood, the guy that did uh let's
uh no, no, let's make a deal. What was it
called the right Oh. Ever, at the end of every
episode he was like, don't forget to spay and new
to your pets? Really yeah, I was gonna be like,
are you fucking high? You're like, no, I'm just twenty
five and I never watched that much big part of

(20:01):
the nineties and the aunts, I mean, he'd been on the.

Speaker 2 (20:04):
F would say, don't forget to spare at.

Speaker 1 (20:06):
The end of every It was his big pet cause
I loved animals, but he hated the fact that like
they run me rampant and then of course get picked
up and youth and ized. So he was like, please
spay and.

Speaker 2 (20:19):
That's the greater picture.

Speaker 1 (20:21):
For Barker, I'm Bob Barker, bitch or whatever he was in. Yeah,
he was in. It was a happy Gilmour the fucking
Adam Sandler.

Speaker 2 (20:31):
They're making a second one in New Jersey. Austin auditioned
for it.

Speaker 1 (20:36):
Oh my god, he should have been over in New Jersey. Yeah,
in New Jersey there's all sorts of everything, you know.
I was just back there and I saw like images
in the press of like this motherfucker's in New Jersey.
I think it was like Ben Stiller chased by a
huge crowd and they were like, this is for happy Gilmore.
But he's been spotted around not at the com book store,

(20:57):
not it's Monecastle Cinemas where this weekend I was back
east for three events. At Smadcastle. We put up a
Mallrat's thirtieth anniversary comment live commentary screening. It sold out,
so then we put up another one that also sold out.

(21:18):
So since I was going to be there for the
Saturday and Sunday Saturday at seven o'clock show Sunday three o'clock,
I said, oh, let's do something else on Saturday. I'm
already there, other people are already in town. So we
did a Wicked.

Speaker 2 (21:31):
Sing along, which I thought you would be on stage four.

Speaker 1 (21:37):
Yeah, Harley was last. I thought you were going to
do Wicked. I'm like, I.

Speaker 2 (21:42):
Thought we talked about it and you were going to
be the one on the stage.

Speaker 1 (21:46):
It would have really bummed out the kids because it
was a lot of kids. Really, Oh, it was like
a choir of children. I played this for the kid.
I'll pay it for. Oh, it gives me life. Man,
my fucking kids. Listen to how excited they are to
sing so hard they hit.

Speaker 2 (22:22):
He loves it, he loves it.

Speaker 1 (22:24):
It is beautiful. And then, dude, it was like watching
a fucking Marvel movie with this audience because you know, look,
I ain't saying it's girls, but like, primarily they were
all little girls. There were some boys in there, but like,
and I'm not saying like girls can't love Marvel movies either,
but this was like watching a Marvel movie. With a

(22:45):
predominantly male audience that just happened to be predominantly tween
or under. They were like, when the fucking broom comes out, bro,
put a fucking broom.

Speaker 2 (23:11):
Those kids and crying, he's crying.

Speaker 1 (23:14):
It makes me so happy. They'll suck. You know, they're
out of tune and ship. It don't matter.

Speaker 2 (23:23):
They sound like trash.

Speaker 1 (23:25):
Oh my god, kid, you'll never work in my business.

Speaker 6 (23:27):
But you got heart, kid, But it's charming gravity.

Speaker 1 (23:39):
Oh my god, listen to them, wait, wait till they
come in as her.

Speaker 2 (23:45):
The listeners are like, listen.

Speaker 1 (23:51):
They love playing both parts.

Speaker 2 (23:53):
The listeners are like, why am I listening to a
rephone recording.

Speaker 1 (23:58):
There's somebody on social media and I think it was
on Twitter that was like, there's awful lot of singing
on this week's episode, and they were like, Beardless Stickless
plus was aw sick.

Speaker 2 (24:09):
Beardless Stickless plus last week was an emotional whirlwind.

Speaker 1 (24:13):
Yeah, kids, if you're listening to beardless stickless me and
you're like, what, there's a plus, there's a whole fucking
after show. And the last one it was it really
was just fucking sing along.

Speaker 2 (24:23):
Wicked, but it was also just crying a lot of tears.
There's a lot of tears, So.

Speaker 1 (24:30):
Where's the goddamn boom?

Speaker 2 (24:38):
This is a crazy, a crazy thing for the listeners,
all right, So.

Speaker 1 (24:46):
Like she does the spell and ship for those who

(25:13):
are like, what the fuck is going on? Like the
brooms she's about to reach, Alphabet is about to grab
the fucking broom that's levitating twit her and listening to
your kids, go fucking ape ship. When it happens, come

(25:34):
on right, beautiful when Captain America picks up Thor's hammer.
Every audience I was in it was like a religious experience.
And this is the closest thing to like a congregation
that I'm engaged with anymore. When I was a kid
and I used to go to church, you know, at

(25:57):
one point it didn't happen enough, otherwise I never would
have left. But like you know, especially in fucking Father
Dave's church, he wasn't into the community of church, even
like there's a part of mass where you know, they're like,
let's offer each other to sign a piece where you
shake people's hands and shit, my whole life, I'd go
to other churches and I'd be like, what the fuck

(26:17):
is this? Because he didn't do that in our church.

Speaker 2 (26:19):
He's like, I don't want to shake your hand.

Speaker 1 (26:21):
And he didn't want people like like, come on, eyes
up here, we're transubstantiating Christ, never mind shaking each other's
fucking hands and shit. But the other two priests who did,
like Sunday morning Masses Father de Lodge, Father Duffy ten
and twelve o'clock, they did the let us offer each
other the side of peace. Father Dave had no time
for that bullshit. He's like, I'm gonna be singing.

Speaker 2 (26:43):
Father Dave had way too much singing to do.

Speaker 1 (26:46):
He was like, I I don't want to see people
fucking touch each other.

Speaker 2 (26:50):
No, I just want to.

Speaker 1 (26:52):
Touch you with God.

Speaker 2 (26:53):
God exactly.

Speaker 1 (26:58):
All right. So adorable, all those kids fucking singing along
to Wicked, so much so that we're going to do
it again on Super Bowl Sunday, February ninth. It was
it was that's church to me, man, but not churches
as a negative connotation. When I used to go to
Old pH I would look for that, like are we

(27:23):
happy to be here or not? Because like in Catholic
Mass of Old I can't speak to currently, but it,
you know, was always more of a funeral dirge than
anything else. There's vacuum, I think. So nobody celebrated their faith.
They mourned it, which is a line from Dogma. So

(27:43):
you know, that's why I was easy to let it go,
even though it was the faith I was raised, and
there was I found no inspiration in it in week
after week going to fucking church, and periodically you go
to like a church outside of your commune where you're look,
oh shit, this kind of works, this feels better. But
that that experience has a bunch of people in a

(28:07):
room listening to some made up stories, singing at the
top of their lungs. What is that if not church?

Speaker 2 (28:15):
You got a point, and I'll father.

Speaker 1 (28:18):
Dave same day. Bro. He was defying gravity, he really
was with that fu Yeah, he took it up into
the stars and ship. Oh man, not so I loved
it for that reason. I was like, fuck, if this
was church, If Wicked was church, I'd go every week.

(28:39):
Don't have to be just wicked, man Like. It helps
if it's musical, because that's nice, but just the let's
gather in a room with a bunch of strangers and
have a collective experience, and I'll be on the same
page and be so moved.

Speaker 3 (28:56):
That we have to sing that's Broadway.

Speaker 2 (29:00):
You know what I'm saying, that's uh us watching Chicago
the movie, You're not curing us watching Sweeney Todd Live.

Speaker 1 (29:11):
Thought about Sweeneychead a lot this weekend because Sweeney Todd
used to be my all time favorite musical. But I
think Wicked, Wicked may fucking take it man. Like Wicked
is so wonderfully tragic as well. It's incredibly inventive, like
every song, like it's so funny. I'm a writer, and
I sit there going, like when they sing their songs,
I'm like, oh my god, that's foreshadowing, Like that's what

(29:32):
happens later. It's like, yeah, Dick, that's why it all works. Well.

Speaker 2 (29:37):
Yeah, remember when we went and saw Sweeney Todd and
you and I'd never seen it before, and then you
literally were like, this is the saddest It's going to
be the saddest thing ever. Here's exactly what happened.

Speaker 1 (29:49):
Yea. It was like spoilers, Shit's gonna go down, and
it's really heartbreaking because he finds out this a bit
and she was like what I was like, watch.

Speaker 3 (30:00):
What the hell?

Speaker 1 (30:01):
But as Sweeney Tides doesn't. Sweet Tide is fantastic, but
it does not have a fucking happy ending or uplifting
at all. Where it's wicked.

Speaker 3 (30:08):
Both parts of the opposite.

Speaker 1 (30:10):
It's the anti wicked. It's it's even more wicked. It
is what you should call it so true, But yes,
what a beautiful experience. Then it's set such a high
bar that I thought the best time I'd have in
that theater it was going to be the Marats thirtieth
anniversary screening. But I was like, let's keep doing Wicked.
But we had to do the thing, so we did

(30:32):
screening of Marats. We did an auction, of course, but
then when we started the screening, I'd show a scene pause,
get up, tell a fucking story, show the next scene pause.

Speaker 2 (30:41):
Must have been the longest maur hours each time.

Speaker 1 (30:46):
Oh yeah, oh yeah. But the you know, folks got
their money worth. Money's worth now. The next day Sunday,
even though we were sold out that fifty to seventy
five people didn't show up because of the snow was coming.
So people were like, I don't know, I heard snow.
And then when we were done, we started three and
we were done at like between seven and eight. Left

(31:09):
the theater and it was caked in snow. It was
like three inches of snow. Dang. It was a lot
of weather back east.

Speaker 2 (31:15):
Dang.

Speaker 1 (31:16):
So I got out the next morning, went to see Momily,
went down to Florida, saw our beloved mommally for the
first time in twenty twenty five.

Speaker 2 (31:27):
First twenty twenty I can't get well done?

Speaker 1 (31:30):
What the fuck you tell Harley's nextasywee?

Speaker 2 (31:36):
I'm having like an allergic reaction. But that has nothing
to do with whyless so much?

Speaker 1 (31:40):
What's the allergic reaction? I don't know.

Speaker 2 (31:42):
My eyes are like watering. It's not because of wicked
uh name it? Anyways, I might be a little sneaky.

Speaker 1 (31:51):
What do you think it's from all the ship?

Speaker 2 (31:53):
I would say it's probably because of might have got
there the pounds of eyeliner around my eyes?

Speaker 1 (32:00):
Is that still? I'm not saying it's not. I have
no idea. I'm fucking a boob. But how long is
this the style? Like? How many more years you're gonna
have to do this shit? Don't don't? I styles change
and just makes me.

Speaker 2 (32:13):
Feel better about myself.

Speaker 1 (32:14):
So do you think you'll be doing it forever? Like
me in the backwards hat and the fucking George's possibility.

Speaker 2 (32:19):
I hope it gets easier one day.

Speaker 1 (32:21):
Bro, you think you'd be seventy eight and you're like.

Speaker 3 (32:23):
I think, fuck, I hope not.

Speaker 1 (32:26):
And if you're not watching this at that Kevinsmith club
dot com where you can watch Beardlistick with me and
Beard Listick was plus, you would see that I'm a
shaky seventy eight year old woman putting that a thickie.

Speaker 2 (32:38):
That's already me. But that's all right, you do now, I.

Speaker 1 (32:43):
Well, I mean but I've seen you do it. You
don't fuck up?

Speaker 2 (32:46):
Well, thanks, well I do somebody.

Speaker 1 (32:50):
I've seen you your stuff and you don't fuck up.
You appreciate it.

Speaker 2 (32:55):
Someone got mad at me last week for not wanting
to be robbed.

Speaker 3 (32:58):
So thanks.

Speaker 1 (33:00):
Yeah, that was kind of one.

Speaker 2 (33:01):
And it was the same person who said the thing
about my life when after.

Speaker 1 (33:04):
A that's your biggest fan right there, that's your biggest fan.

Speaker 2 (33:07):
I know you're listening again.

Speaker 1 (33:08):
They just want it better for you. They're like, do better.
But I did find that one, you know, kind of.

Speaker 2 (33:15):
Like people should get robbed.

Speaker 1 (33:19):
I'm a bleeding hard, fucking liberal and but you know,
I don't want to get robbed.

Speaker 2 (33:24):
It's not even me, it's just the people that already
experienced tragedy in the fires. I didn't think they should then,
on top of that, get robbed.

Speaker 1 (33:33):
But let me tell you something.

Speaker 2 (33:34):
Anyways, you can't please I can't please, I can't please
anybody AnyWho?

Speaker 1 (33:40):
Moving on, I went back. You know, you can please
fucking Mammily. He's like your biggest fan of shit. But
she sent a bunch of shit because I'm now considered
something of the archivist, if you will, in the family.
This is her promotion certificate, Grace Schultz. She gets to

(34:00):
go second grade. Oh my god, bro, you think that's sometimes.

Speaker 2 (34:05):
June twentieth twenty Wait what oh the day June.

Speaker 1 (34:08):
Twentieth nineteen, Mother Victorine. That was the sister's name. June twentieth,
nineteen fifty two, the year of our Lord, nineteen fifty two.
Mother Victorine says that she can move on.

Speaker 2 (34:22):
Can you congratulations? Mamily?

Speaker 1 (34:24):
Can you imagine fucking somebody named Victorine? Oh Lord, that's
a lot of syllables. Is spit out Victory? That's that's
how that's the beginning.

Speaker 3 (34:36):
Of course, Victory got it.

Speaker 1 (34:40):
This is the certificate of Baptism, sacrament of baptism. You've
been baptized. That was your last sacrament. We didn't do
communion or anything baptized.

Speaker 2 (34:52):
For mamily if I and me.

Speaker 1 (34:55):
No, I ain't gonna lay that just at Momay's feet.
I wanted you baptized too. Saint Nicholas's Church in Passaic,
New Jersey. This is to certify the Gray Schultz born
on the eleventh day of December nineteen forty five. So
Momily gonna be eighty this year, was baptized according to
the right of the Roman Catholic Church. Roman Catholic in

(35:22):
a minute on the fourteenth of January nineteen forty six. Wow, Reverend,
I can't read his name. Look at this.

Speaker 2 (35:30):
Shit an ancient relise.

Speaker 1 (35:34):
I'll tell you right now, Momily can't do shit without me,
because I got all her old papers. This is Momiy's
blessed sacrament. School report card from the year nineteen sixty,
nineteen sixty one. But what's Gray Schultz? Uh? And here's

(35:54):
fifty nine to sixty. But what's unique for me and mine?
I won't get into her grades. They're pretty damn good.
Oh is you know when you send a thing home
you're supposed to. You gotta have the parents sign it.
That's Grandmomily's signature.

Speaker 2 (36:15):
Oh my gosh, that's Grandmomily's signature.

Speaker 1 (36:18):
Yeah, and Schultz. So when mom my mom sees this,
she's like, oh, because that's she recognizes all of us
right now. Even Donald was like, oh.

Speaker 2 (36:28):
Momily was rocking straight.

Speaker 1 (36:29):
A's yeah, momially pretty smart. But Momily, did you know
she grammar school up to eight thirteen, so fourteen when
she went freshman year. She didn't go freshman high school.
She went to commercial school, like to teach her how
to be a secretary and shit. And then when she
got out, like here she.

Speaker 2 (36:47):
Got to be in cooperating well you know, mamma Alexa.

Speaker 1 (36:53):
Yeah yeah, cooperating business efficiency, initiative, etiquette, typewriting, stenography, and
then they were training her for office work. So like
that's all you're you're a girl, You're going to be
someone's secretary.

Speaker 2 (37:09):
Yeah, wait, what the fuck?

Speaker 1 (37:11):
It's They were like, you deserve each other, you and
that typewriter.

Speaker 2 (37:18):
I don't see any Matthew, I don't see any science.

Speaker 1 (37:21):
See religion though, right, so this is commercial again, commercial school,
the training in for for being a professional. You don't
need no science if you're taken down mister Weatherby's fucking
notes and shit.

Speaker 2 (37:33):
But cooperating.

Speaker 1 (37:36):
With mister Weatherby more than anything else.

Speaker 2 (37:38):
It's CEO dash O p e R, A t apostrophe
and cooperative.

Speaker 1 (37:46):
This is Blessed Sacrament Grammar School. This is to certified
that Grace Schultz has satisfactorily completed the course of study
prescribed for this grammar school and is awarded this diploma.

Speaker 2 (38:01):
Wow.

Speaker 1 (38:02):
On June one thousand, nine hundred and nineteen fifty nine.

Speaker 2 (38:10):
Congrats Momily.

Speaker 1 (38:12):
Emily's official bro.

Speaker 2 (38:14):
This has all really got all her documents.

Speaker 1 (38:16):
Is the Blessed Sacrament Commercial Department. This certifies that Grace V.
Schultz as satisfactorily completed the course of study prescribed for
graduation from this school and has therefore awarded this RinkyDink
diploma nineteen sixty one.

Speaker 2 (38:34):
Wow.

Speaker 1 (38:35):
So now you could she's hirable. Now you can fucking
put her to work and should chase her around the
desk because it was the sixties. But that wouldn't happen.
She would not go to it work. Do you know why? Why?
She went to work for a little while, But then
she met my dad.

Speaker 2 (38:50):
And then that was that, how's mommy going to live life?
If you have her Blessed Sacrament diploma, I'll.

Speaker 1 (38:55):
Tell you she's not going back to college because if
they're like, do you have your documents, she'd be like,
where are they this? And then I'm gonna show you.
You're gonna get insight into your father. The Holy Sacrament
of Confirmation, as a sacrament you didn't get, was received
by Grace McCormick. This church is like, she ain't Schultz yet, bitch.

(39:19):
She was born in the Church of Blessed Sacrament May eleventh,
nineteen fifty seven. Can you imagine? But you wonder why
I keep everything because Mamally that's the way I was trained.

Speaker 2 (39:31):
I guess Momally does does keep on stuff too.

Speaker 1 (39:34):
This is the mass on the day of the marriage
of Grace Virginia Schultz and Donald E. Smith, September twelfth,
nineteen sixty four, Blessed Sacrament Church, Clinton Avenue and van
Ness Place, Noork, New Jersey. That's cute. That's where your
people come from, bro Nork. Ultimately you come from Nork

(39:55):
now speaking of fucking popoly So your other.

Speaker 3 (40:01):
M schwammily, she would love that she Christmas.

Speaker 1 (40:11):
She was like, guy, when Christmas this year? Before she
gave gifts. I was like, why, she's a goosy. And
what she did was she took small vhs so much.

Speaker 2 (40:21):
I want to tell you so bad, but I'm.

Speaker 1 (40:23):
Not good at And it was a pretty wonderful gift.
And so you know, I brought the the link from
Eye Memories back with me to show my mom project
on the TV. Now. It had footage that we all
watched here on Christmas Day of young Christmas is when

(40:44):
Harley was a baby, and stuff like that. But while
I was there, I found a Christmas which we did
not look at, which was Christmas from the Rumson House,
the only Christmas we ever had in RUMs and which
be Christmas two thousand and one, the last Christmas I

(41:05):
spent with my parents. So in this footage, because I saw,
I was like, this is the Rumson House. Holy shit.
I was like, I wonder if, like we've rolled video
on mom and decks, we have this photo of you
dressed as Bear in the Big Blue House. Oh yeah,
with my mom and dad. It is fucking twenty minutes

(41:28):
of you dressed like Bear in the Big Blue House,
momming around the fucking house, including you interact with my
dad or my dad interacts with you at West Versa,
and that is nuts. Now you got to remember, you know,
Dad was not like a video guy. There ain't a
lot of footage of my father. There's pictures, but like

(41:53):
they're in all our footage, and I haven't heard my
father speak in years, right, Like, since you don't have footage,
my dad's not like we have his voice. He never
did a podcast but me or anything like that. I
wasn't podcasting at the time he died. So in all
that footage is footage of my dad talking. And it

(42:14):
was like watching Mommily react to it.

Speaker 2 (42:16):
Was was she emotional?

Speaker 1 (42:18):
I mean she wasn't emotional. My sister got super emotional
Virginia and Virginia, who remains the biggest fan of this show,
shout out it was very emotional. It hit her like
it hit me. Mom was like mom Like I would
have thought that Momily would have been like but instead
she was just happy to see it. She was like,

(42:40):
there he is. He was kind of sweet. But this
let me try how you ran? Yes, Grandpa yas because

(43:04):
I have kiss bear that's my dad's voice.

Speaker 2 (43:09):
Kiss maybe kiss bear's nose.

Speaker 7 (43:11):
Okay, way up there, my grandma.

Speaker 1 (43:16):
Oh oh, grandma.

Speaker 6 (43:19):
Kiss bear in the nose?

Speaker 2 (43:21):
Oh, because grandma kiss? Can I stay on the nose again?

Speaker 1 (43:32):
I love you bear.

Speaker 2 (43:35):
Kiss me. I didn't like it.

Speaker 7 (43:39):
Kissed Grandma beer Jamaica.

Speaker 1 (43:44):
I know, I think.

Speaker 2 (43:48):
Oh no, it's one of me. Just lolly, Lolly and beer.

Speaker 6 (43:53):
That makes a good one, lolly and bearn Wow, like.

Speaker 1 (43:58):
A mom wow, looking at riding your horse in the
bear outfit.

Speaker 2 (44:04):
Lots of things to say about this one. Where did
that cost you come from? Because the boy was it excellent?

Speaker 1 (44:13):
Mamily Oh it came right from the Disney store.

Speaker 2 (44:16):
That wow, that is a full ass costume.

Speaker 1 (44:20):
Really is that costumes wearing you?

Speaker 2 (44:22):
It really is? Wow?

Speaker 1 (44:46):
You were literally a dancing bear.

Speaker 2 (44:48):
The listeners, the the people who only listen and do
not watch the show, are like, thanks for this week's episode.

Speaker 1 (44:57):
We're showing a lot of look at how huge I am.

Speaker 2 (45:12):
Father.

Speaker 3 (45:13):
This is a podcast, true.

Speaker 4 (45:16):
Okay, enough enough, there's pop.

Speaker 2 (45:40):
You just want to watch the videos, like come on,
I do. I mean, this is a podcast.

Speaker 1 (45:46):
That's true.

Speaker 3 (45:47):
But seeing my dead father that is true, that come back.

Speaker 1 (45:51):
To life was like fucking astounding. All right, So that
is really beautiful and it's really sweet to see like
not just him interacting with you, which I've got pictures
of him holding like baby you and stuff and then
looking at you with Graham, with Momily, you know in
photos when you're wearing that bear of it. But to

(46:11):
watch him interact, be like can I get a kiss
bear and hear his voice and shit like that, that's
like absolute magic. So I like sent Jen like a
video from mom in Virginia and me going like you
did win.

Speaker 2 (46:25):
Christmas after all?

Speaker 3 (46:28):
I setting down, all right.

Speaker 1 (46:31):
So while I was there, Mommily gave me a bunch
of stuff. She's like, here's some cards that you gave me.

Speaker 2 (46:37):
Oh man, here we go.

Speaker 1 (46:41):
Listen to this shit son all right? From your son, Mom,
I love for you is tremendous, bottomless and endless, sort
of like my appetite. So that's what's in the card.
Happy Mother's Day. So I wrote, Mommy, whoa, whoa. And
it's for the motivation you get from me usually by

(47:05):
threatening and counting to three. Oh, for the open door
that you always offer me. Two is for telepathy, the
mental kind, because you always know what evil I'm plotting.
H is for my home where I let you live.
It's for endless like the dust on the cocktail table.

(47:28):
That was something like my mom was always like today
you're dusting every weekend. I had dustin. So there's always
like dust on the cocktail table. And the tv R
is for the rest you deserve and will get in California. Altogether,
I believe it spells mother. A word I depend on

(47:50):
and a woman I depend on. Thank you for being there.

Speaker 3 (47:53):
Always love Kevin so charming, bro.

Speaker 1 (47:58):
She said to me. And it was kind of hard
break and she goes, you don't write me cards anymore.

Speaker 2 (48:02):
I write you to better writer. A goddamn card.

Speaker 1 (48:05):
I might have to. She loves it.

Speaker 2 (48:06):
Altogether, I believe it spells mother. Our handwriting is the same,
very similar.

Speaker 1 (48:17):
This one's dated because Uncle Don made it out. It's
for my dad, especially for you, Dad, on your birthday.
A very serious card. Uncle Don is the king of
the only reason they're still in business is because he
still buys like thousands.

Speaker 2 (48:32):
He loves a card.

Speaker 1 (48:33):
He loves a card. May twenty second, my Dad's birthday
nineteen one hundred and eighty six. Wow, Yeah, that's how
far we're going back. Love your children, Virginia, Donald and Kevin.
I got to add a little more. See I wrote
all this over here.

Speaker 2 (48:53):
Oh I like your post office.

Speaker 1 (48:55):
Well, thank you. We're happy as kittens that you're still
around and are glad you fathered us all. Keep up
the good work and no more staying home from your
favorite place the post off this.

Speaker 2 (49:09):
Oh my gosh, let me see it. Oh this one
seems a bit more serious.

Speaker 1 (49:18):
Yeah, the card or the.

Speaker 3 (49:20):
Sentiment, the sentiment and the kid gotten sick.

Speaker 1 (49:23):
I guess because we'd spent some time and let me see,
nineteen eighty six, I've been sixteen. Yeah, you might have
been in the hospital for something.

Speaker 2 (49:32):
That's not your handwriting.

Speaker 1 (49:34):
To the not everything on the this is your handwrite.
That's my real handwriting. That's my real cursive. Really yeah,
like so my you only ever see the cursive I
ever used is like when I signed my name. Yeah,
but that's over years, has developed into something you know,
fast and signature like. But if I too were to
use cursive, that's what it looks like. Still but mostly

(49:55):
I block.

Speaker 2 (49:56):
Yeah, yeah, like in this one, that's the.

Speaker 1 (49:58):
One block lettering. This is from May twelfth, nineteen ninety two.
Happy birthday, Just wanted to give you a high flutin
birthday card, snoopy, but the significance May twelfth, nineteen ninety two.
I'm in film school, so I sent this from Canada. Pop.

(50:19):
That's why I called my father mom. How are you both?
But mainly how is the birthday? Boy? Because Dad's birthday
would be coming up May twenty second? How old are
you now? Sixty three? Geez, you look good for sixty three.
Not a single gray hair either. Obviously, I'm way too
poor to spring for a proper birthday gift, and since
I'm no longer with quick Stop, I can't even get
away with cheap birthday gifts like milk, bread, peanut butter

(50:41):
and batteries. However, this card carries my eternal gratitude for
feeling frisky enough that night to set about producing what
would eventually become the me we all know. So well,
Oh my God, and I'll send my love to you, father,
give me a break. You're a great man and a

(51:01):
hero to cats the world over, because that fed like
thirty cats. Happy birthday, love, Kevin Smith.

Speaker 2 (51:10):
Of course you made it about him so.

Speaker 1 (51:15):
Well. There are two words that I can use that
might explain that fuck and you the voice. I made
it about myself. It's my card from film school with
my parents.

Speaker 2 (51:26):
Sorry, I assumed it was his birthday.

Speaker 1 (51:28):
At least that wasn't. Like one day I will make
a film called Clerk's Parents and you will be proud
of me. I've read those.

Speaker 2 (51:35):
Cards that you would be so excited to find that card.

Speaker 1 (51:38):
Oh, I have them, You have them? Yeah, that's not
even a hypothetical. I have cards not here, but ones
that I've sent my mom from film school where I'm like,
do there's a video where I'm sitting on the video
when I tell my parents before I go to film school,
and I don't ever had a video camera. I had
to borrow this up big as VHS camera from like
Kim Lockeran's parents and shit, and I made this video

(51:59):
for my parents, going like everything's about to change and
I hope to bring the honor to this family name.
Like my sister is like it is unsettling. She's going
because you literally predict the future. She's like, you sit
there and you tell our parents that life when you
get back is going to be different because like you're

(52:23):
doing this thing and blah blah blah. And she's like
you know, until Clark's happens. It's just like, well, that's
a little fucking full of himself. She's like, and then
you do everything that you talk about. She's like, it's
really creepy. This is a Father's Day card. Dad got
your reservation in a nice relaxing place, and it's a

(52:43):
sign reserve for Dad that you stick up to point
an American Greetings classic that cost a buck fifty back
in the day. Once again, my handwriting, my young handwriting Dad,
dear Dad, Hey, Hey, Happy Father's Day to a man who,
quite frankly is a father and one of the best

(53:07):
fathers too, I might add, Dad, whether you know it
or not, you did a fine job in raising me.
It seems that every aspect was premeditated, from not pushing
me into sports to letting me steal from Disney World.

Speaker 2 (53:20):
Ha ha.

Speaker 1 (53:21):
All that made the wonderful creative funny kid that is me.

Speaker 2 (53:29):
Beer. Oh my god, Oh my god.

Speaker 1 (53:33):
You're watching Beer the stick with me. You're watching Harley
aghast I. G Oh dude, it wasn't even done. And
all that made the wonderful creative funny kid that is
me the pick of the litter. Oh my god, thanks
for doing a great job. I love you. Now, can
we put one of my tapes? Can we put on

(53:56):
one of my tapes instead of yours? That's because we
would like at home, he'd be putting in a movie
you want to watch. I was like, can we put
in one of my.

Speaker 2 (54:03):
To a self centered little piece o shit?

Speaker 1 (54:09):
Kevin?

Speaker 2 (54:09):
Oh my god.

Speaker 1 (54:11):
I see you see I had.

Speaker 2 (54:13):
To the wonderful, creative, beautiful, perfect time.

Speaker 1 (54:16):
You see how I had to become what I became,
because otherwise I would have been so miserable like I was.
I was my own biggest fan. I had to I
needed others. I was alone, and now I'm not alone anymore.
Now there are other people that feel the same way,
where they they could write a card to my father
to be like, you did a good job because he's wonderful, creative, funny.

Speaker 2 (54:38):
Wait till my next card, Wait till father better.

Speaker 1 (54:43):
You know what, You're very good though. At the end
of Tough Shit the book, I read a letter that
you wrote to me, like for Christmas one year and
it's people still fucking write about that. People like when
that book came out, they were like, Jesus Christ, if
I hope to God my kid fucking feels that way
about me. Blah blah blah affleck too is always just like, bro,

(55:06):
if you ain't trying to be her, what the fuck
are you trying to do in this life? Like? Based
on shit you've written?

Speaker 2 (55:12):
That's so nice.

Speaker 1 (55:13):
It is nice, but it's also a reminder write a
fucking script. All right, here's another fuck. There's another snoopy card.
I had a brand. This is a Hallmark official Hallmark,
but you can see on the back I scraped out
the price tag so they couldn't look it up. Ah,
oh my god, thank you, thank you very much. My
gratitude knows no leafs. I think he means bounds. Dearest parents,

(55:39):
This is just a thank you note to my parents.
That's the kind of fucking that's the kind of son
I was.

Speaker 2 (55:43):
Do you thank them for making you so creative, wonderful
and perfect?

Speaker 1 (55:47):
Probably, if I had to guess, probably, dearest parents. Just
a little note to thank the two individuals responsible for
my conception, birth, subsequent upbringing, an eventual college. Sometimes I'm
so wrapped up in my pathetic life that I forget
to say thanks for everything. You were tolerant of my

(56:08):
choice of school. You packed me off, fed me cash,
and now that I'm coming home on weekends, you still
provide and understand when I'm constantly running here and there
with my friends. Pause. So this is nineteen eighty nine,
ninety eighty nine. They took me to eighty nine, nineteen
eighty nine. This is before Batman comes out. Because Batman

(56:29):
comes out. June twenty third, nineteen eighty nine. I'm coming
home on weekends from the New School for Social Research,
and I'm spending more time with Walter and Brian. We're
playing hockey. I'm meeting Jason Muse. This is all what's
happening on those weekends that I can't spend time with
them because I'm running here and there with my friends,
running around back to the card. Well, golly, if you
two aren't the best parents, I don't know who are.

(56:53):
I love you guys. You always did for me and
you continue doing so now. Thanks. If I sometimes don't
seem appreciative, it's simply because I'm stupid. Thanks for everything,
Mom and Dad. I love you both. Fact, I love
you both very much. Can I have one hundred bucks?
I have a few things to buy and the money

(57:14):
would help. Just kidding, Love Kevin.

Speaker 2 (57:19):
That was really sweet.

Speaker 1 (57:20):
Yeah, less about like one day I'm going to be
famous and ship like that or the glory of Kevin Smith.
But if I, if I had to guess, that's probably
me writing a card because like not so much, like
this is how I feel. But just you know this cover,
this will cover, this will my mom happy? What you

(57:42):
don't need hearing that is a very nice card. But
what you don't hear in that is the beginning of
the people pleaser, I mean people pleaser as well.

Speaker 2 (57:49):
On its waist it's a little note to say thank you.

Speaker 1 (57:54):
This one is hi, Mom. This card is not from
someone who thinks you're terrific and then the other side is.
But just look at the same way, Mom, You've never
stopped being my mother, whether under your roof, across the country,
deeply in debt, or in high demand. I can't tell
how you how comforting it is to know that, no

(58:14):
matter what I do, You're always looking out for me.
From youth to the present, You've always been my favorite
woman in the world. I love you dearly. Kevin. Ps.
I have not yet met JENNIFERA.

Speaker 2 (58:27):
Yes, let me just cover all my bases. Harley is
now born yet that is that's so sweet.

Speaker 1 (58:36):
This finally is a Valentine Steak card and it seems
like it has a poem. It's on Bullwinkle stationary and
I wrote, Yes, this is a Valentine Steak card.

Speaker 2 (58:46):
I appreciate all your Snoopy and Bullwinkle cards.

Speaker 1 (58:50):
I was very into. I mean this came from a
stationary set that I got at the Deadly Do write
and pour in. Uh, here's poem time. I'm ready ready,
I mean, bro, get ready for this hot sixteen. You
might want to steal these lads because they are fire.

Speaker 3 (59:07):
I'm writing it down fire to Hot sixteen.

Speaker 1 (59:10):
Here we go. I bet when you saw a baby
keV in the nursery, you never thought that he'd turned
out like troublemaker me.

Speaker 3 (59:22):
Bars bars right, bars day.

Speaker 1 (59:27):
I'm sorry if I mess up. I'm late, I forget stuff,
but I don't really ruin your life. I guess I
make it rough?

Speaker 2 (59:37):
Did that rhyme stuff?

Speaker 1 (59:39):
And rough? Oh? Yeah? Absolutely? But what really? Never mind
the rhyme scheme. It's more about like thirsty much, You're.

Speaker 2 (59:46):
Like please tell me, I'm okay, yes, tell.

Speaker 1 (59:49):
Me good please? You know that your son means well,
he's just a bit messed up. I guess God felt
you needed a little rotten. Look.

Speaker 2 (01:00:00):
Why were you so hard on yourself? And this card?

Speaker 1 (01:00:03):
Self loathing people pleaser, codependent people pleaser. I have to
be told how to feel about myself. I'm wrong with that.
That's just who I am. That's apparently who I've always
fucking been. Again, I had to become an entertainer. This,
this motherfucker might have like shuffled loose, this mortal coil

(01:00:24):
intentionally might have unalived himself if the world didn't see
him the way he did, like even in cards to
his parents. So crazy I needed. I needed everything that
happen the way I did Otherwise, Who knows?

Speaker 2 (01:00:40):
This card makes me sad?

Speaker 1 (01:00:42):
You know that your son means well, oh rotten look,
But the good point is I love yous, and trouble
can can't change that. You're just stuck, my dear parents
with a trouble maker brat.

Speaker 2 (01:00:56):
Oh my god, I feel like you. You must have
gone in trouble or something before this.

Speaker 1 (01:01:02):
You think what I'm guessing is Mammily was mad at
me for something and I leaned into.

Speaker 3 (01:01:08):
It very hardcore.

Speaker 1 (01:01:11):
I know it's not a hallmark, but it is from
the heart. Blow is a card for you. Feel free
to use it. Oh that's not I guess the rhyming
is over. And I wrote a little coupon it says,
I owe you something.

Speaker 2 (01:01:28):
I owe you something like.

Speaker 1 (01:01:30):
The gift love Kevin. Happy Valentine's Day, Dear parents, I
love you both loved Kevin.

Speaker 2 (01:01:36):
Damn that one was. That one was. It's just like
the others were so celebratory.

Speaker 1 (01:01:46):
Of well, the other you could make fun of me
for it, but this one, yeah.

Speaker 2 (01:01:49):
This one's just now I feel bad and I take
back everything I said.

Speaker 1 (01:01:53):
No, no, no, it's too late based on the things
you said. I know you didn't understand, but doesn't change the.

Speaker 3 (01:02:01):
Fact that it hurt I.

Speaker 1 (01:02:04):
But here's the thing I don't. I'm like, I remember
writing cards and stuff, but I don't recall the negative
so much anymore, and haven't for years. And the negative
was never all that negative. But my mother Mamily was
very controlling and a very.

Speaker 2 (01:02:23):
You know, she's a listener.

Speaker 1 (01:02:28):
She has a listener. This is not a complaint, but
it's just like you weren't around for it. But like,
you know, I, I you know, I I just I
traded one boss for another whoa wow, and then when
you were born another hello, and strong women have always

(01:02:56):
been a factor in my existence. And yeah, but it's weird.
I just don't I'm not saying like now I put
it all the way or I blocked it, but like
I just I don't remember. And but when I read
cards like that, I was like, oh, yeah, I was.

(01:03:19):
You know, like when you lived here, it was never
like you're in this house, you'll follow these fucking rules.
You know what I'm saying. There, It was that and
you know that was common in that era and stuff
like that, but even more so in our house because
Virginia left, Donald left, but I stuck. So you know,
you want to talk about empty nest when I leave.

(01:03:43):
So I stayed for years. I didn't leave until I
was twenty three. What kind of loser lives at home
till or twenty three?

Speaker 2 (01:03:52):
Oh fucking rude.

Speaker 1 (01:03:56):
Yeah, but to be fair, I didn't buy a house
at twenty three when I moved out, just moved into
like an apartment and ship. So you're doing great there.
But yeah, thanks, buddy. I was glad that you lived
at those as long as you did.

Speaker 2 (01:04:07):
It was you And Mom always asked me to come back.

Speaker 1 (01:04:11):
I said it recently. I was like, selling your fucking house,
move back in here, and Harley was like, yeah, that'll happen.
Hold my fum bailed.

Speaker 2 (01:04:19):
You See, I may, I may make fun of my dad,
but he makes fun of me just as much.

Speaker 1 (01:04:27):
And Virginia says she loves when you're like, I think
that the truth is that as well truth. She finally
she's like, somebody put a voice to it. I shared
all that with you mainly because I wanted to be like, hey, buddy,

(01:04:47):
what the fuck are your cards?

Speaker 2 (01:04:49):
No, that's a good point.

Speaker 1 (01:04:50):
Ship written from you, like, and as you can see,
there is a long legacy of holding on to that ship. Yeah.

Speaker 2 (01:04:58):
Like I used to write car cards for everything.

Speaker 1 (01:05:01):
Yeah, oh we have them, trust me, they're all they
were not thrown out.

Speaker 2 (01:05:06):
I'm blow your mind with a card next week.

Speaker 1 (01:05:10):
I mean, honestly, if you wanted to write me something
like ifish.

Speaker 2 (01:05:15):
It would be a script.

Speaker 1 (01:05:16):
Yeah, yeah, do me a favorite. Fuck you want to
write me a card, make it one hundred and twenty pages.
I have three acts and it was something I could finance.
But no, I you know, it's not like him, And
write me a card if you wrote me something naturally,
I would be into it because the sentiment alone. But
also I like your writing quite a bit. But this
wasn't an exercise and like you're slacking. This was just

(01:05:39):
an exercise, and like this is who I was.

Speaker 2 (01:05:45):
I still see yeah, I still see that guy in there.

Speaker 1 (01:05:49):
Yeah, and I don't write cards as much like but
but you know, I I mean texting an email took.

Speaker 2 (01:05:58):
Place of like yeah, but your your texts are like
very circumspect, kiddo, Hi, okay, hello, they're not ah.

Speaker 1 (01:06:12):
And your texts are like, here's a funny cat video. Yeah, exactly,
fucking cappy bearer. Here's a fucking funny squirrel. No context whatsoever? No,
Like dear Dad. When I saw the squirrel, I thought
of our relationship and the many things I.

Speaker 2 (01:06:28):
Think it should speak.

Speaker 1 (01:06:30):
It speaks volumes like happy squirrel.

Speaker 2 (01:06:33):
Do you like the selection I sent you the other day?

Speaker 1 (01:06:35):
I do. I never have any complaints here. It was great.
The kid who was just like, yo, what up, Brian
or whatever his name was. The guy was like, hi.

Speaker 3 (01:06:48):
In the suburbs, in the suburbs, bitch, what up?

Speaker 1 (01:06:52):
Ran? Hi?

Speaker 2 (01:06:55):
See that one reminded me of you, And I don't
need to explain that.

Speaker 1 (01:06:58):
I saw myself and then the only thing this ain't
a criticism, you don't do it often, but like, you
don't have to send birds, not a bird guy, unless
that bird is like singing talking.

Speaker 2 (01:07:12):
Oh my god, I forgot about that video.

Speaker 1 (01:07:15):
Or a bird figuring ship out. Those are some of
my favorite bird videos, literally where they have a bird
and he's got like a bottle and there's a rock
in it and water and ship and then he does
the weight displacement to bring it up closer. Fucking nuts
and clothes. They're both little tool used. They're brilliant, and
watching him figure shit out is like I couldn't even
Literally I watched a raven figure something out where I

(01:07:37):
was like, I wouldn't have done that. He beat me.

Speaker 2 (01:07:39):
They're smart as hell they are. What type of bird
is the one that does.

Speaker 1 (01:07:47):
Singing with the dude? A dude had this little flute
and he's like and then the ravens like he sang
it dope, man, I wish that was my ring tone ship.
I could string that together enough that'd be like my
fuck's track. Okay, you need about thirty seconds of that.

(01:08:13):
All right, there's your beardlesstick for this week getting out
on a cringe note. Don't forget to write your mother card.

Speaker 2 (01:08:18):
Kids, so true.

Speaker 1 (01:08:20):
She'll keep it forever, she will, and then you'll get
it back and you get to read it on your
own body.

Speaker 2 (01:08:24):
You'll learn something about yourself, that's true. Yeah, And that's
the circle of life.

Speaker 1 (01:08:30):
That's the same circle under your tail exactly. And then
Walters he was like, you, but don't sing circle under
the tail. Make it better than that. I'm like, all right,

(01:08:52):
circle of life. He's like, yeah, that's more.

Speaker 2 (01:08:54):
That's pretty beautiful.

Speaker 1 (01:08:57):
He was a massive smoker. Really, do you know in
all the pictures that hang around Disneyland of young Walt
or of Walt himself, the cigarettes have been airbrushed or
what do they call it these days?

Speaker 2 (01:09:11):
Oh, just removed, like photoshopped down, photoshopped down.

Speaker 1 (01:09:15):
He was he was almost never photographed without a lit
burning cigarette. But you know, they don't they don't want
to put that up, so they put him up and
they removed the cigarette. Does it though?

Speaker 2 (01:09:27):
They used to sell like ashtrays and and cigarettes in
the park, Yeah.

Speaker 1 (01:09:31):
One hundred percent. I wish they'd still sell ashtrays.

Speaker 2 (01:09:34):
I have a few.

Speaker 1 (01:09:35):
They should sell an ashtray with Walt in the bottom
holding the fucking cigarette. True, that charge like one hundred
bucks for it. There would be people who would pay it.
They're like, oh my god, that's that rare Walt smoking ashtray.
I pay good Disney Bucks for that. Do they still
do Disney Bucks? No, they stop that. Oh yeah, what
a fucking scam. That was. Give us your money. We'll

(01:09:56):
give you fake money and you spend that in the
park and like what the fuck? And some people went
for it. I still have some bus there. It is kids,
there's your beard. Listen. We gotta get out before somebody
starts criticizing you.

Speaker 7 (01:10:08):
Like, oh, oh, little millionaires kid can't spend the Disney
but fucking dirty God damn fucking couldn't.

Speaker 1 (01:10:20):
What what's the They wouldn't call you liberal? What would
they call you?

Speaker 3 (01:10:23):
Clueless?

Speaker 2 (01:10:26):
Leftist?

Speaker 1 (01:10:27):
Left it? Well, this pilot pucker wasn't a rightist. This
motherfucker was far left of you. That was their point.
So what would they call you? Elitist?

Speaker 2 (01:10:35):
Elitist, nipple baby piece of ship?

Speaker 1 (01:10:39):
I mean I would that hadn't even occurred to me.

Speaker 2 (01:10:42):
Here it comes, It comes.

Speaker 1 (01:10:43):
Right out of your fucking the dark heart. Of your soul.

Speaker 2 (01:10:46):
You're like, they're gonna they're definitely gonna comment that.

Speaker 1 (01:10:53):
You deserve each other, you and that nep.

Speaker 2 (01:10:58):
I'm going to Disneyland.

Speaker 1 (01:11:00):
You're literally going to Disney that's why you dressed this way. Yeah,
I should never revealed that too. Somebody else is gonna
be like, oh, you have enough time to go to
Disneyland when there's all this suffering in the world.

Speaker 2 (01:11:12):
All right, never mind, I'm just gonna go.

Speaker 1 (01:11:14):
I'm just because ten that's dine then to give out
free money. Yeah, oh you got free money to give
to Disneyland people, but not can't win there it is kids,
there's your beardles stickless me. You're like, I want more
of this ship and jump over to that Kevin Smith club.
Get beardless stickless. Plus Harley's like a fuck, oh the show.

(01:11:35):
I'm supposed to go to Disney not yet, that's the
bridge to Disney. The bridge meey to Disney. Don't fucking
sound sad, because then they're gonna be like, oh you
hear how how sad she is that she gotta do
a shoe with her father? Guy? Right? Those comments is me?
By the way, No, that there it is beardless stickless

(01:11:58):
me tuning out? Get how we in the show for
bids me tuning out?

Speaker 2 (01:12:05):
Kevin Smith, Quod Smith.

Speaker 1 (01:12:08):
You have a beardless dickless dias.

Speaker 5 (01:12:21):
This has been a podcast production, some podcast podcast using
our mouths on you since two thousand and seven. Hey kids,
did you like what you just heard? Well, guess what.

Speaker 1 (01:12:35):
We've got tons more man thousands of hours of podcasts
waiting for you at that Kevinsmith club dot com. Go
sign up now,