Episode 10 - feat. Miabyte - Boss LVL

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
So have you been psyche. Hey, I've been good. I've
been very busy recently, but that yeah, like good busy.
Do you know, you know the kind of like you've
you've got yourself working on a lot of different things
with keeping you distracted kind of busy, that kind of busy.
I'm kind of in the opposite boat. I'm like intentionally
not busy because I'm just really trying to become undepressed.
I don't know, I'm really important. I think you have

(00:27):
to be like really intentionally not busy, like you have
to make the time. I've completely like dipped out. I've
just like gone kind of like a social media blackout
and everything. I've been rearranging my room. I've been like upgrading, Um,
not like in any kind of fancy way, but just
like trying to clear out space. It's like a it's
definitely like a spring cleaning feeling. Um when I look

(00:48):
at it. The next step is the closet, because I
realized that you know, what to have out is like
sweaters and it's getting hot. I mean it's already may.
I don't know, it's spring free to right, Yes, it's
a great time for us. We've literally just hit like
kind of weird. I'm in Ireland's it's like weird and

(01:08):
humid but kind of warm sometimes, so it's I don't know,
it's that time a year though, I think I know.
I'm like, man, I only have sweaters, but it's so
because it's cold in my room but it's hot outside,
and so I'm streaming. I have to have one wardrobe
for streaming and one wardrobe for going out into the roar.
It's totally hard. So we both know our guests today
Mia by Shady, if I'm not wrong, Uh me a

(01:31):
Bite is one of your closest friends, right, yeah, me
and me, I go back a long time. No, I
don't know, I don't know you. So, by the way, yeah,
welcome everybody to boss level. Uh So. This is a
podcast where we feature conversations with guests who have leveled
up bringing an experience boost to the table. And we

(01:52):
have a wonderful, wonderful guest and longtime friend of mine.
Um me a Bite here today, m Yeah, we we
go back to like what twenty seventeen, ish, I don't know.
It was really early, like the first year I started streaming.
I think a little bit before you started streaming. So
Mia certainly leveled up recently. So I'm very excited to

(02:14):
pick your brain and see how everything's been going for
you and your wonderful stream journey. Um, so why don't
you start out by telling everybody a little bit about you,
what your name is, and uh, you know how you
starting with the big questions. I don't know if I
can handle this. What's your name? What's my name? My name? Hi, everybody?
My name is Mia, otherwise known as Nearby across all

(02:36):
the socials and social media and stuff like that. I
am a variety content creator. I do also it's I'm
also a YouTuber and I am the live content producer
over Gaming Magazine. So I'm very busy. Yeah yeah yeah,
carrying a lot of stuff under those little wings. It's
really hard to fly with these tiny nings, know me,

(03:01):
I have to ask. I've known you for a little
while now, and I've always kind of wondered, where does
the where does the bite part from me a bote
come from? Like, what is the history behind that? Oh?
What is the history behind that? The history behind that
is I tried all the permutations of different names when
I was when I was rebranding, and none of them
were available, and that was so like you know the

(03:27):
series Reboot. Yeah, yes, yes, maybe it's something like that,
but no, okay, they've promised us a reboot of Reboot,
and we never thought that was there was there was
like a live action like kids or something, and then
went into like the reboot world. I heard about this

(03:49):
and apparently it was terrible. So that doesn't sign like
the right direction to take that. I just like a
show like Reboot though, this is what back in the
nineties on Cartoon Network, and it was weird that weird,
like we're just now discovering how to do CG kind
of tell if you've never seen Reboot um and it
was exploring like the internet quote unquote with how we

(04:12):
understood it back in the nineties. So there's like viruses
is bad, guys. It was such an interesting I don't know,
I don't know. We're totally dating ourselves here, by the way, true, yeah,
we really are. I don't know. I brought it up.
I regret it. I don't come on. I don't think
we could redo it though, because it's, uh, it was

(04:32):
such a product of its time and trying to revisit
it would just be like you know anyway, you know
what nostalgia is like a huge thing for me. I'm
constantly thinking about, like all the old cartoons I used
to watch on Cartoon Network and the shows and games
that I was into back then. What were some of
your favorite stuff growing up? Some of your favorite shows
and games? So I loved Cartoon Network, Like everything on

(04:57):
Cartoon Network. I used to watch, like Powerpuff Girl, as Curs,
the Cowardly Dog, anything else that they had on their
Edda Neddie, you know, all the all the cartoon cartoons.
I used to have that block billion Mandy. Oh my god,
there's so much. There's so good. Yes, yes, nostalgia is

(05:18):
a big thing for me. What like so I have
to ask you mentioned cartoons, but like, if you what
is the big nostalgia thing for you as far as
video games go, because I think we all have at
least one, right, It's like the the one thing that
we remember from our childhood. I mean, well, my history
with video games has been long and arduous. We've I've

(05:40):
always kind of been around video games growing up in
my household, I mean my youngest memories, Like we hadn't
any s in the house. We have Natari seven eight hundred.
We have an Amiga PC. These are all my dad's.
My dad is like a huge geeky nerd, and he
had all this stuff and I think he just had
it to have it because he never used it. There's
always the kids that were using it. So but I
remember like playing um, Super Mario Brothers Original Super Mario

(06:02):
Brothers on the nes and then for a while, video
games kind of just disappeared from my life. So a
lot of my memories are linked to getting back into
video games. And I gotta I got a second hand
PlayStation for Christmas and the first game I got for
it was Final Fantasy seven. I knew it was gonna
be a Final Fantasy game. Yeah. Well, the two games

(06:25):
I got were Finally See seven and Super Puzzle Fighter
too Terribo and I don't know if it's again the
nostalgia thing, but those are two amazing games. I love
them so much. Puzzle Fighters like the Street Fighter spinoff
where it's actually Street Fighter characters who are chibby eyes
in there and you're doing this weird block puzzle game.
It's great though, It's so much fun, and it's going

(06:47):
to have released this year apparently on Switch, so I
found that out the other day and I was like,
so hyped. That's cool. I've never played it actually, Oh yeah,
well I can't imagine many people have and being one
of those. Yeah yeah, I think you're the big thing
like everybody else who's probably a millennial who grew up

(07:07):
in the nineties. Pokemon. Yeah, Pokemon so big. Yeah yeah,
I mean that that that definitely, I mean that probably
kicked off, like getting back into video games in general.
Pokemon is responsible for all of this mess. So you're welcome,
thank you. Oh so we do have you here on

(07:28):
the Boss Level podcast. So what what do you think
that phrase means to you? What does it mean to
be boss Level? I hate this question. I love this question.
This is my favorite. I I listened to the podcast
and I would listen to like everybody else's answers, and
they're so succinct and cool and amazing, like the last
what does it mean to you? Too? Like? What does

(07:50):
it mean to me to level up? To become thing?
To me? I mean the person said last, I can't
remember what their name was. Ex Frontier are Dr k
Ross astrophysicist? Amazing, amazing? They said it was like, you're
not playing anybody else's game. I think, yeah, it was
a really cool answer. That was a very very good answer,

(08:12):
and I can't top that, but I will go with um.
I think it's getting to that point of like repetition
and just doing your thing over and over again. What
you've you've you've mastered it, and you're there, you know
exactly what you're doing mostly, but you have the confidence
to at least push forward and you can say that listen,
I'm the boss here. You got that, you got that

(08:33):
muscle memory. Like I think about it in terms of
like a video game, like you hit the boss level,
You've already mastered those skills, you know exactly how to
dodge and roll the Dark Souls though you're about to
get beat down eight times. Actually level is literally going
up against the Dark Souls boss over and over and
over again. Finally get to the point where you you've
you've mastered it, you know all the moves, you know

(08:53):
exactly what you're going to win exactly exactly right. Honestly,
I think it's it's It's always about like taking risks,
isn't it. I feel like one of the biggest things
for me, and uh, what's changed in my career is
like learning to take more risks, like in general, for

(09:17):
the longest time, like dealing with I deal with a
lot of anxiety. I'm not going to trauma dump on you,
but I deal with a lot of anxiety. I deal
with like a lot of fear about things. And for
the longest time, I would like constantly been like stepped
back from opportunities and stuff. Um, and I think it
was only when I just started saying like potentially yes
the stuff that that that things just started going in

(09:38):
a positive direction. So yeah, it's like that's genuinely something
we've actually talked about together fairly recently. Was ha, ha,
that's my secret. I'm always nervous. I'm going to very
selfishly ask you a question, and that is with the
fact because look, I'm going to I'll be fair, I'll
give an answer to you because I think this is
a really salfish question. But um, whenever you talk about like,

(10:01):
you know, anxiety when it comes to taking on opportunities
and you know, doing things there may be a little
bit out of your comfort zone, how do you generally
deal with that anxiety? How do you overcome it? Because
I know it's really hard, Uh, internal screaming no. I mean,
like my my brain is I'm I'm so scatter brain

(10:21):
that I'll say yes to something and I'll forget about
it until the last minute. So it's it's usually like
last minute panic, just like getting onto this podcast today
and then just dealing with it, just going with the flow,
you know, like um, it's uh yeah, just just don't
think about it until it happens. That's funny. I was
gonna say, like going back to the Dark Soul's boss thing,
I remember I got stuck on a orgins Stein and

(10:42):
Smoke for a Gamers, but I got stuck on a
specific set of bosses from that game, and I gave
up for six months, and I thought I would never
revisit it because it took me fifty sixty seventy tries
and like I'm done, I'm never I'm done, I'm quitting.
And then I came back to it like six months later,
and um, beat it in like the second try, I think,
because but it was like stepping away from something that

(11:04):
was making me like so angry and frustrated. And I
also think like by try like not try fifty, but
like try ten, try twenty, I was already way too
much up in my head and like overthinking and like
you know, remembering the very recent failure that I just
went through and expecting it to happen again. And I
do think that there's a lot to be said about
like boss level or whatever, like you have to just

(11:24):
kind of be in that moment. You can't you can't
be caught up in the anxiety of the past. I
guess maybe probably the depression of the past, the anxiety
of the future. You've got to be right there in
that moment um and just listen to the gut and dodge,
dip dive, duckt dodge, you know, like do exactly what
you need to do or you need to do it um.
And I think that a lot of I think anxiety

(11:47):
is is I mean definitely like in our not our generation,
but this time period, like every like everybody is just
like constantly in a state of anxiety. And I think
that just kind of navigating anxiety and overcome overcome it
to a certain degree because it's always there. It's like
the Baba duke, you gotta lock it up somewhere. But
overcoming it or understanding how to navigate it, I think

(12:09):
is a huge part of actually being able to level up,
kind of keeping it in your pocket somewhere, I don't know,
organizing it in a way. It's something that I relate
to you because, like I have definitely avoided opportunities and
avoided stepping out of my comfort zone in the past
because I've been absolutely terrified of doing it. And I
do like what what you said me about once you've
started actually doing that, you see some positive changes and

(12:31):
you see yourself progressing. It's it's great. But like I
also think it's important to recognize sometimes that it's okay
to stay in your comfort zone for a while. Like
if you're if you're in that like burnoyte phase for example,
and you really really need to it. Sometimes you need
to give yourself that self care and like look after
your your mental health as well. Like if you're just

(12:51):
constantly going going at it over and over again, I mean,
that's how you burn out, right, That's that's exactly that's
the thing. Yeah, yeah, um, it's do you'll have to
deal with imboster syndrome. Imposter syndrome today, because I know
you've talked about it on your and it's definitely a
big thing that I experienced. I know Shady, You've talked

(13:14):
about it before as well on the podcast. It's definitely
something ideals. Yeah, yeah, it's weird, it's funny. I saw
Mia you posted a meme. I'm going to repeat the meme.
I disagree with it, but the meme that popped up
that was like, um, are you even good enough to
have that? I relate to that. I felt personally attacked

(13:36):
when I found so I had to curse everybody else's day. Yeah,
that cursed my day. Thank you for that. But it
is a big thing because like I feel, I feel
like especially with content creation, and this is something I
know that both of you probably experienced as well, from
like streaming where you're a variety streamer. When you're a
variety streamer, you're putting yourself out there and it's really

(13:58):
really hard because the content on the the things that
you're producing are very much you and you as a parson.
I've been struggling. I've been struggling a lot with them acting.
This is like a whole dark Knight of the Soul,
midlife crisis, existential crisis number eighteen. I don't know exactly
what I'm going through right now, but it's been a
lot of like reflection. I'm like trying to get my

(14:20):
website built up, so I'm trying to write a bio
for myself, and in writing a bio, I've been reflecting
on like what I've been doing for the last fifteen
years and dating myself whatever, like I'm old. You know,
I'm turning thirty four in a month, like I'm you know,
I'm I'm a I'm a you know old ask anyway.
But I've been reflecting on this, and I've been looking
back like like not even just the five years ago

(14:41):
and I started streaming, but the ten years ago when
I was like a, oh my god, just like super
cringe level and like to the point where it's like
I want to be disassociated with like my older versions
of myself and and and I don't know if that's
like I don't know how that links into imposter syndrome,
but I think it's like looking at these old versions
of myself and realizing, like that is me, and then

(15:02):
this is what people saw, like this is what people
thought I was. And I know that I'm not that anymore,
but I know that I was that and I still
kind of identify with it in some ways, and even now,
I'm thinking about myself and like trying to write this bio,
and then I'm thinking, like, five years from now, am
I going to look at this bio and be embarrassed
of it? And then it it paralyzes me to not
even want to write it because I'm like, and then

(15:24):
I've been going through this whole do I just want
to completely delete all my social media and rebrand without
my face and be completely detached from your talking about
variety streamers are putting yourself out there and I'm starting
to feel like I've overexposed myself and I've left myself
no private space. There was some YouTuber who I didn't
watch a lot. You'll probably Dan someone or other. He

(15:45):
was a bit like Dan in real life. I think
he was a huge YouTuber And you just put this
video out recently about like why I quit YouTube, and
he was talking a lot about how he used to
make content out of his bedroom. His sentence, he said,
was like I used to just make content out of
my bedroom because I have zero boundaries, and then like
my beds right behind me, like right now, and like
that's like another like there's so much anyway to condense

(16:08):
this all back is. I don't know if imposter syndrome
ever goes away. I think it has a lot to
do with self confidence and I don't self esteem maybe
and and being confident in what you're doing and no
living with no regrets, I guess, because like I think
that a lot of impostor syndrome for me is like, yes,

(16:28):
it's got a lot to do with like people think
that I'm cooler than I am, or people think I'm
more qualified than I am, or I'm I'm I'm more
important than I am. But a lot of that stems
from I'm still thinking that I'm this like idiotic twenty
year old you know that wrote that wrote the tumbler
bio that I'm like cringing at now is like an
adult like, and I don't it's from that trauma, to

(16:52):
be fair, Like there's so much I feel probably like
a lot of people that deal with impostor syndrome probably
have like a lot of past trauma, like a lot
of stuff that there's a lot to unpack there just
opened this book. But like you're you're right, because I
I also this is something that actually I had a

(17:13):
really big conversation with people on stream about once because, um,
I am not the same person I was last year.
I'm not the same person I was five years ago.
I'm thank god I'm not the same person I was
ten years ago. And I feel like it's really hard sometimes,
especially for people who have trauma. It's very hard for
you to accept the fact that you're a different person
now and that the things that applied back then don't

(17:33):
necessarily apply now. And we need to be able to
give ourselves the space to do that and to grow
and evolve as people, and we also have to like
credit ourselves with doing that. But it's impossible. Sometimes it's
really really hard. Yeah. Yeah, So um this last week
and I knew about it for a while, but I
was announced as a new Twitch ambassador congulaceous To relate

(18:00):
it back to the conversation at hand, I don't know why,
you know, I don't know why. I like other people
tell me I deserve this, and it's you know, it's amazing,
and that you work really hard, and then you constantly
have this voice in the back of your head like no,
you don't know, No, you're just saying that you just
I don't believe any of that, you know, and and
and Honestly, for like the last week or so, there's

(18:23):
been moments where I've just been like, I just want
to quit streaming and content creation altogether. I'll just come
back to a normal job, you know, because like I
don't know why I'm doing this, Like it's not it's
not going well. Even though it's going well, it's it's weird.
It's just like this little voice in the back of
you have that constantly tells you that you're doing things
wrong and you're no good, and it's it's it's very
very hard to deal with that. And um, yeah, And

(18:46):
I think like a lot of the stuff I've been
trying to do more recently is is be kinder to
myself and and like get it through my brain that hey,
I am here for a reason. I And if I
if I were to go back back in time, let's
say to the start of my streaming career and tell myself, Hey,

(19:06):
this is where you're going to be now, my old
self would go, oh my god, that's amazing. You've done
so well. And for some reason, like the present brain
does not think about yourself in the same way as
as if you you were comparing yourself with with your
past self. I think that might give me more imposter syndrome.
If like my my future, more successful version of myself

(19:28):
came up to me, I'd be like, uh, I would
be sitting there, it's like my little loser self, not
having done anything, and be like, there's no way I'll
ever be that cool. Like I think it would. It
would enforce the impostor syndrome. And me, listen, listen if
you want to know about impostor syndrome. As a transperson,
I know a lot about impostor syndrome. UM. And again,
like this is obviously a different point of view, because

(19:50):
if I if I went back to my past self
and just showed them what I was doing now, they
would be ecstatic. Like if I told him like I was,
I was working with companies like Square, Nicks and and
Nintendo and stuff like that from time to time, they
would they would lose their freaking mind and absolutely adore me. UM.
But not to pick myself up too much, obviously, because

(20:11):
my current brain doesn't do that. That's that's the point.
It's like your your current self. Sometimes you have to
step back and look at the bit of bigger picture
and look at the journey that you've been on like
you say, you know you you look back at your
past self and think you hate that person, and comparatively
to the future, you might hate the person that you
are now, but who were you going to be in

(20:32):
the future. You're going to be. If you hate yourself
in the future, you're a better version of yourself. Right
to cringe, just to grow. Well, I think we have
reached our first safe points, so we are going to
take a super short break and we'll see you back
here soon. All right, Well, welcome back in everybody. We

(20:58):
are here chatting with the absolutely lovely Mia Bite. We
went deep really fast. Like, I'm sorry for taking us
there to therapy our in hard that no, it's great though, like,
but I I think that like I'm also happy to
encourage the conversation because I've been, like I said, in
like a dark Knight of the soul kind of you

(21:19):
know who am I uh like kind of moment um.
So I'm definitely big brain. But let's let's maybe pull
back a little bit and and come back into your
journey because because we've touched on quite a few things
in your journey, so you've mentioned that you're a transgender streamer,
you've mentioned that you've recently hit Twitch ambassador. UM, so
there's a lot of different things I think we could

(21:40):
we could start to unpack there. But let's let's maybe
start with how did you get started streaming? What did
you have anything in your background that created the initiative
to go into streaming or are you from a completely
different background? Okay, all right, God, this is such a
long story, UM, but I'll go into it. Okay. So,

(22:01):
lifelong love of video games obviously, and UM, I never
really knew what to do with myself, like growing up
in school and stuff. So I went into um media production.
I did media production at college, uh and media studies,
and then I went did film production in university, graduated

(22:21):
with honors. And then after that I kind of just
I just couldn't find any work. Like I I got
like the highest degree and I couldn't find anything. So
I started working in a video game store and that
was an experience. And that's another story for another day.
But that was about three years of working in the
video game store before I, um, I told them to

(22:43):
stick it. Uh. And because I got invited out to
go to Los Angeles work on a very very micro
budget feature film that turned out to be terrible. So
I did two months in Los Angeles and then six
months in China working post production, and then my life
sort of fell apart, which was amazing. It was probably

(23:04):
the best thing that ever happened to me, because I
came out of that situation. I was at like my
lowest point ever, like we're talking content warning like suicidality
levels of of being down there in the depths and
just thinking that my life was over. And that's actually
what triggered me transitioningly enough again, long story, but it

(23:26):
all kind of links together. And then so I was
out of work for a while, I was living with family,
kind of like couch surfing between my grandmothers and other
family members, um and transitioning at the same time. And
then I started like my own motion graphic design business,
and this directly links into it. I was I was

(23:46):
just I was just so bored. I moved into my
own place, the place where I am now, and I
was so bored all the time. I didn't play video
games anymore. I was just working, and like in transition,
I didn't have any friends because all the people that
I had known before I came out kind of just
abandoned me, which was that was a lot um and
I was like, you know what, I want to play
video games again, but I don't want to. I don't

(24:07):
want to just play video games because it kind of
felt like a waste of time. So you know, this
twitch thing looks cool. I can I can talk to people,
I can potentially make friends and you know, just hang
out and play video games. Let's do that. And that's
that's how I got into Twitch. It it was literally,
uh yeah, it's just just isolation. I guess that got

(24:29):
me into it, which, yeah, more trauma. There's so much
on today. I actually so whenever, just I relate to
the kind of feeling very lonely and that being why
you kind of started with trying to make friends and stuff.
I find it really difficult to make friends. Yes, it's
really hard, and I feel like so I moved. No again,

(24:53):
this is only really a big deal to people from
Ireland because Ireland's obviously very small. I moved what was
for me very far from one side of the country
to the other. But for like Americans, for example, it
was probably just down the road, but I moved like
two hours away, so like to me, that was a
big deal. Is the first time I'd moved out of
my parents eyes, I knew no one, and I had
gone from not a game store, but like like a

(25:15):
land gaming center was where I worked, and that's where
I hung out all the time in my spare time.
I had friends who played games. I knew so many people.
And then I moved to Dublin and I knew no one,
and I get homesick really easy. So I was homesick.
I had no friends, I knew nobody. And then a
couple of years into that, I discovered Twitch and I
was like, maybe I could get the same vibe that

(25:36):
I had at the gaming center with being online and
talking to people about games, because all I wanted to
do was talk about games with people and have like
that shared interest because making friends as an adult is
really difficult. Anxiety as a transperson who's like very early
in transition, like afraid of everything, afraid of going out

(25:56):
in public, afraid of even like interacting with people. I mean,
we had we've had conversations about this before. TI like
literally about like how I think you reviewed my stream
a very long time ago, because it was very early on.
You said to me, like you're very like timid, like
you don't trust the people in chat yet, and like

(26:18):
you need to come out of your shell a little
bit more. I kind of took that on board, thank
you very much for them. But but um, but yeah,
like so I was like really fearful of people at
the time, and honestly, streaming has been one of the
best things that has ever happened, like in terms of
like making those connections, because like you said, making friends

(26:39):
is hard. I still don't know anybody local to me.
All my friends are online. It's great any time I'm like,
it's interesting to me how many how many people I know?
And it's not everybody obviously, but how many streamers I
know who's origin story has to do with I was
really lonely and wanted to make friends. It's really that's

(27:00):
my story too. To a certain degree. I just moved, um,
gotten dumped and had absolutely know what I felt like,
no friends, nothing and sorry from there And now I'm
I don't know. This is again like the existential crisis,
but I'm going into like a circling around him on
the opposite side of the circle now where I just
don't trust anybody anymore. Like I'm i took I want
to make friends out of all of my profiles because

(27:21):
I'm like, I'm getting hurt too much. I'm done trying
to make friends. Like I it's so I don't know,
it's I'm a very sensitive person though, so I guess
that's that's you know, got a lot to do with it.
But it's maybe it's also you know, it's the Internet,
Hollywood and uh, the entertainment industry. People say they're there

(27:43):
to make friends, but they're not. And it's really hard
to navigate who is authentic and who isn't and who's
just trying to use you and who's not. And it's
been um who were just there to use abuse and
then move on something and beyond like the like like
cloud chasing or whatever is like part of it. But
there's also just like our our communities in general are

(28:06):
also just not everybody. I'm cynical right now. Let me
say I'm coming from a cynical, jaded perspective, but there's
a lot of people that just want to take everything
that you could possibly offer and it's still not enough,
and just take and take and take and take and take,
and you're just like completely sucked dry on the floor,
and people are still like, okay, but wait, where's mine?

(28:27):
Like you gave them something? I want something, and you're like,
I'm dying and they're like, but I still want something.
Like I laugh because I know what you mean. It's
something I have a really bad habit of when something
it makes me think, wow that yeah, that's really bad,
and I agree, I laugh at it. And then people
are like, why are you laughing at It's not funny
because I relate. But I feel like that's something that

(28:52):
comes up a law as well, because there's a bunch
of streamers that I know who maybe on the side
of like, you know, I would really like to make friends,
but I don't know how I and it's really hard.
And they're also, at the very same time feeling very
exposed because again, you're putting yourself out there and it's
really really tricky to kind of set the boundaries and
kind of find where the comfortable spot is for you,

(29:12):
where you're not feeling like you're constantly just exposed to
lots of people. Yeah, okay, there question, it's just me
making a comment on the state of things. Yeah, okay, sobering,
isn't it? A lot of it we're having a heavy

(29:35):
conversation for sure. I think here's the thing though, Like
the good people can get hurt so easily because when
you are that kind of person that that does give
and like is there for people and is constantly helping out,
there are people that will take advantage of that situation,
especially like and the unfortunate thing is like sometimes they

(29:57):
do seem to be the ones who prevail, And it
does sometimes feel like the people who dick each other
over are the ones that get a Just having that conversation,
I was like, I do I sell out? Do I
just go? Do I? Just it's working for these people,
So why am I not doing it? Like? Why am I?
Like why am I still trying to slay by the
like good rules or whatever? Like? Oh, what I would

(30:19):
say is like stick with the only thing. To me,
I can't see myself being anything other than a good person. Again,
not to self aggrandies, but I just can't be that
way around people. And at this point it's like I
could start being a dick. I still could start trying
to make like false connections and like start using people

(30:39):
for for cloud and stuff like that. But that's that
that doesn't speak to my heart, that's not me. And
um again, I feel like like if you're just yourself
and you're giving and you just do you do your thing,
but just keep yourself safe in a way, um, you'll
you'll get further. It's like, I think it's just about

(30:59):
like recognize think the mistakes the past and not falling
into those same, um, the same actions, which is really difficult.
It's really hard not to do that. Sometimes it does
feel like you're stuck in those repetitive cycles and it's
so hard to break out of that situation. Like I
feel that a lot. I feel that that with my
content creation as well. Um, But again it's like it's

(31:21):
it's it's moving forward and just like sticking to your
guns and just trying to be like a better version
of yourself every single day and hopefully people will lie
with that, you know. And something I've seen you say
before me as well is that, um, it's important to
you to feel like you're raising people up around you.
And I think when it comes down to things like

(31:42):
content creation, that's something that at least for me, I
know sometimes sometimes obviously it's quite hard, and I think
that's something that we always have to deal with but
for the most part, I have like a core idea
in my head of what I want to do, like
this is why I'm doing this. And sometimes it's hard
to keep that in mind because obviously maybe you have
bad numbers day on Twitch or something that something bad

(32:06):
apps that makes you have that kind of imposter syndrome feeling.
But that can make it tricky to keep keep in
mind that kind of like little little nugget of this
is what I want to achieve. But if you keep
that in the back of your mind, I think that
that's where like that's what's really important. And that might
not mean that you're you know, as quote unquote successful,
but like what is success? What does success mean? And

(32:26):
what does it means each person? I mean, we we
look at numbers, and again, like numbers do essentially can
you know, correlate with like how how successful you are
and how much money you're making at that point. But
M and I had a little bit of a crisis
recently because my numbers were generally like dropping down from
what they were. But then you look at the wider
scope and you look at what the situation in the world,

(32:48):
You look at the other streamers around you, and I
started notice just trying it's not just it's not just you,
like you feel so isolated in the situation, like, oh
I'm messing up, I'm doing something around But like a
lot of the time, there is a broader thing happening,
like I've noticed recently, like so many people are going
through it right now, not to you know, get back
into the trauma thing, but there's a lot of people

(33:08):
whose whose numbers are not what they were at the moment,
and there I think it's a general thing that you know,
we're coming out of the pandemic, people are you know,
getting out and about not necessarily watching twitch right now,
and it does kind of leave you with a feeling
of of of this this fragile, Yeah, fragile like almost
like you've been abandoned in a way. And that again

(33:32):
more trauma, you know, but it's recognizing that that's not
your faults and there's nothing that you can do to
control that at all. There you can make every decision
possible and you still wouldn't be able to control that situation.
I think that's what it sucks though, is like so
much of it feels completely out of my control, Like
I be a good of a streamer as I can be,

(33:54):
I can be as you know, doing this, doing that,
taking these risks, trying this cool thing out, and then
I'm still just like like for me, it's like I'm
I don't feel like I'm any further along, and it's
in some ways it's not true, but in other ways
it is true. Then I was back in ten like
I feel like I've hardly made any advancements in some ways,
like in some areas of my life, I've regressed because

(34:15):
I put so much energy into like sitting at my
computer seven, my physical health is deteriorated. And now like
in this like darkness of the soul moment, I'm focusing
on my physical health. But now my internet life is
deteriorating because I can't it to find that balance. Listen
coming from me, I don't have like a physical life

(34:38):
right now. I'm right there with yeah, don't you worry
about it. Like this last week, I I had to
do something every single day and I did not get
a day off. And that's probably why I'm sick right now,
to be fair, um, but with the whole ambassador thing
and like the role now are gaming, it's left very
little time to do anything else. And it's really frustrating
because like that time is also a major factor too,

(34:59):
because I'd love to be doing stuff like editing like
five tiktoks to go up every day, or you know,
like making content specifically for for this platform over here,
but there's just not the time for it. And again
that can send you spiraling and can get you into
those those those those moods. But again not that I'm
trying to act like a therapist here, but remembering that

(35:21):
it's it's only temporary and you will pull yourself out
of that situation. Like for instance, Tie, I know for
a fact that every year that you get the seasonal stuff. Yeah,
but it's just not stopped that. Yeah. I'm like it's
May and I still have seasonal depression right now? What
is going on? Here's the thing? Like everyone's depressed. Laugh.

(35:44):
I really it's not funny. It's just what else can
I do? But I mean to get real for a second,
we're living post pandemic. The there is there's an essentially
a crisis with in terms of like money in the world,
the the ongoing stuff in in Ukraine. That's that's had

(36:06):
a huge effect on I think people's mental health, Like
these last couple of years has just been like slam
after slam after slam. It doesn't stop. Yeah, and and
there's just like this collective like helping of helplessness right now.
And so I for you to say I should be
out of it by now, Like I'm looking around, I'm

(36:28):
seeing a lot of other people who are who are
in a very similar situations. And it's like, listen, if
you weren't feeling down right now, what the hell is
wrong with you? You know? You know what, It's really
interesting because we're talking about this and it's kind of
in a really weird and probably odd, not good way.

(36:48):
It's kind of feeding my soul a little bit because
I feel like it's very easy to feel like, oh,
it's just me, I'm the only person is going through
this and this really sucks, and that actually super isolated.
So hearing the experiences of other people and knowing that
there are other people out there who are going through
that kind of feeling just like you are is actually
kind of reassuring in a way, like no, we shouldn't

(37:11):
be feeling that way, but it's nice to know that
I'm not the only one. I mean, like again, I'll
repeat what I said. If if if people weren't feeling
some kind of like hurt or harm, or or or
worry right now over the current situation or though the
past couple of years, like I would, I would very

(37:31):
much question, then they're probably the CEO of a joint corporation.
True that, But I you know what I this is
kind of I'm not going to go into detail on
it because again, I feel like this is only really
relevant to a very small number of people. But it's

(37:53):
something I've noticed even on my streams recently with the
current global situation, is really like there's so much stuff
going on that there's so many new and terrifying and
sometimes depressing things happening. And then in my own life,
for example, we have UM like on recording day, so
this will have already happened by the time the episode
goes out. Today is election day, so in Northern Ireland,

(38:14):
I voted this morning and UM, without going into detail,
Northern Ireland's political situation is very very complicated and that
can be really stressful. And then having to go on
a stream and just like, oh, why are you stressed?
And I'm just like I'm flying everything. Nobody understands what's
going on, but that's okay. Well, and then on top
of that is like streamers, this is something that I'm

(38:34):
also really like, I mean, there's there's like there's so
many things happening right now, and I'm also not going
to get into detail, but there's so many things that
are just every other day there's something new that's just
like insane. And there's this this pressure as as someone
with a quote platform that I have to make some
kind of groundbreaking, earth shattering progress like forward move moving

(39:00):
statement that like changes everything and I and I but
then I don't want to not I don't know how
to explain it, but but it's I mean, I don't
want the card, you know what I mean of making
those statements and then having people come to attack you
and fight and argue and there. And then on top
of that, there's also like like I can think of
times in the past where like a football player will

(39:22):
make some kind of statement and then everyone's like shut
up and play ball, Like that's what you're supposed to do,
is to say, like shut up and play video games.
You're not here to make statements here. But then if
you don't make a statement, you're getting in trouble with
a different group of people, and it's just like, what
do I do? I don't want to do anything. Doesn't
seem like it's a no win scenario. It's it's really
up to you and your mental health and figuring out

(39:42):
what you can handle at any given time. And it
might be selfish too, Like it might seem selfish and
shall I say to do things like that, But you've
got to remember that at the end of the day,
as much as we can care about the people around
us and not incredibly care about the people around me,
my friends, the general I mean general people, you know,
But as far as I'm concerned, I come first. My

(40:03):
mental health comes first. Everything else is secondary. Like if
I'm not having a good day and I want to
lie in bed all day, I'm gonna lie in bed
all day, you know, Like everything else goes out the window.
If you're not focused on making yourself whole and healthy,
then then everything else is just going to suffer in
regards to that. So you could make those statements, but

(40:26):
is it going to make you feel better? I don't
necessarily think so, but I noticed that I definitely had
to like cut myself off from consuming certain types of content, like, um,
I can't remember exactly what it was, but there was
something that came up that I do feel very very
strongly about. I don't remember what it was. I just
remember thinking to myself, I feel like I should do
something about this, and I think it's really important that

(40:47):
we can do that and that we use our platform
for good. But at the same time, there are times
when consuming the content you making a statement isn't necessarily
going to do anything to fix the situation. It's just
to make you feel worse. And if that's the case,
why are you really doing it? And it's it's hard
to find that and draw that pressure. Yeah, I mean

(41:09):
there there is this overwhelming pressure as well that you
have to be part of the conversation otherwise you're going
to be left behind. UM and like you have to
you it's it's yeah, it's it's keeping up appearances, isn't it.
It's like, yeah, I have to have Everybody has to
have a take. That's what social media is. Everybody has
to have a take. Everybody has to give their two cents.

(41:29):
I mean, I could go off on how much I
hate stream or Twitter. We started three Twitter is terrible.
It's it's and I've seen these situations as well, just
event for a moment. I've seen these situations where where
people do things specifically to set other people off and
for attention right and Twitter will take it, hook line

(41:52):
and sinker because everybody wants to be involved. Everyone wants
to clown on this person, not realizing that's what they
wanted you to do, and you're just feeling yeah, when
the easier option would have been just ignal the whole
thing and it would have gone away. But now they've
now got this no, because it's following people who agree
with them. If you make the hot if somebody says

(42:12):
something quote stupid or whatever, like if they if they
do the dumb thing that day and you're the first
person to dog on them and you get the viral
hot take. Everyone's trying to get the viral hot take.
That's why I literally pieced out of streamer Twitter. I'm
done with it, and it's a fight to get to
the topics. Rots in a bucket, not swap. It's not
I never heard that before. I always heard crabs in

(42:34):
a bucket, one little one, little critters trying to make
their way out of the bucket. The rest of them
grab it and drag it back in because you can't
get out if I can't get out. And I don't
think it's just quote unquote stream or Twitter. I've seen
it in a bunch of other niches that I've experienced
on Twitter as well. I think it's just Twitter. I

(42:56):
think it right, I really controvert us will take Twitter.
It's bad. Actually, did I saw somebody say? No, It's
not that everybody disagrees with you. It's that the Twitter
algorithm is showing you things that are literally in opposition
of reviews to keep you engage negativity. It just keeps

(43:17):
it going, right, It's it's it's incredibly worrying just in general,
and we're getting like really far away. Yeah, it's somewhere
a great time to take a super short break and
then we'll bring it all right back on in. Okay,

(43:37):
I welcome back everybody to Doom and Gloom Podcast. Just kidding, Chaos,
serious cast, rebranding. We talk about anything and everything, but
it all has to revolve trauma in some way. Yes, Well,
I do want to ask you about your career a

(43:57):
little bit. So we're talking a lot about the stress
and the press sure, and dealing with with humans, which
is a lot of what we're doing is as content
creators and streamers and all of the different INDs and
ounce the imposter syndrome, the peer pressure, the hot the
need to take hot takes or and also navigating the
global crises that are constantly like hitting us in the

(44:17):
face every other day. Um. All of that being said,
all of this like hard stuff being said, You've had
some huge swings and strides, and like I said at
the start of the episode, I've known you for five
or six years now, and seeing your evolution over the
last couple of years has been incredible, and especially over
the last like two years, there's been so many like rapid.

(44:38):
I mean, you started up on Gaming magazine podcast UM,
which I'd love to talk to you about or ask
you about. You've hit Twitch ambassador recently, you were war
Frame partner, UM, and you are there's another one that
I was gonna says, transitioned in v tubing. So yes,
the the V two ing thing I think will be
a very uh, very interesting chat about too. But I

(45:01):
want maybe i'll start there because like that's the first
one that popped a question into my head. But um,
let's maybe what's a little bit about your thought process
behind why you transition into V tubing and how this is,
how this has impacted your content or maybe even your
mental health and how you go about creating. Mm hmmm, well, funny,
funny answer to this. It involves trauma. No I'm kidding, no, Okay,

(45:27):
Like listen, Like the v tubing thing is like so
I I I love I love creativity. I love like
creating things in general, like I'll get ideas, but I'll
have projects and I'll never really follow through on them.
And streaming has also always been this like this project
that's constantly evolving. It's constantly something that I'm working on,

(45:49):
and I like to get creative with it. Um. Ever
since the beginning, I've been looking at like different ways
of keeping people engaged with the content, and I wanted
to do something different and and a little bit weird,
and I came up with this, this this little character
called which was essentially just a tip jar with eyes

(46:14):
like anime eyes. It was it was like an iMac
It's like an iMac old iMac G three PC, like
those thick ass ones with the translucent colors on them.
It had animal anime eyes and it would blink every
now and then, and I set it up so that
like people could could talk to it, essentially, like it
would respond to certain commands. It would have its own

(46:35):
text to speech voice on there because I wanted to,
and I'd have conversations back and forth with it sometimes, um,
and it would tell jokes if I asked it to
tell jokes, because I would set it up to respond
to my voice, like I wanted to do something different
and weird, um, because I'm very weird that that is
me and innut shell. And eventually I saw an opportunity

(46:56):
when V two being started coming around of saying, listen,
I'm a take a step back, and I'm gonna let
the character that I created, who's been in the background
of like every single stream, just come forward and do
their thing. And that's what the re tubing is now.
It's um, the the o C that kind of grew

(47:16):
out of that. It's it's o chan, um the personification
of of this weird little tip jar that just turned
into an actual character. Um. Yeah. So you Chan or
Murasaki you Chan is a potentially homicidal transdimensional AI who

(47:41):
may or may not want to take over the world
and just a I think, yeah, just a I think,
you know, you know, and there and you know, it
didn't start out like that. Again, it started out as
like a little tip jar and eventually it's like like
adding these little things over time, these garnishes to it
that actually turned into like a fully formed character. And

(48:06):
in terms of like me saying, okay, V tubing is
really cool, it's kicking off. Everybody seems to to to
love it to death, and I have this perfect avenue
to to go down in a pre existing character that
can already bring into it. The reality of the situation
is not only is it cool, but I didn't want
to put on makeup every single stream. Honestly, It's like

(48:30):
my content was starting to me, my content was starting
to feel like stale and repetitive and like there was
nothing really fresh going on at the time. So again,
I feel like that's why I always treat streaming as
a project, like something to be built upon. It's that
I want to keep doing things that keep it fresh
and to me, like V tubing is so different and

(48:53):
like weird. I mean, it's pretty much mainstream at this
point now because so many people are doing it, but
at the time time, it's like, you know, this is
this is just an interesting direction and I can be
somebody else for a day, which is kind of cool,
but while still retaining myself and like kind of like
my personality. There are things that that character will do
that I wouldn't necessarily do, like threaten people in chat

(49:16):
um allegedly, uh, but you know I wouldn't do it myself.
That's what I think is so cool about V two
being and for for any of listeners who are like uninitiated,
V two being is is like a virtual character on screen,
so you don't actually have to be on screen, but
it's tracked with your webcam, so it moves and blinks
and and opens its mouth, it looks it's it's like
a virtual puppet. Is That is a nice a nice

(49:40):
way of saying it, probably, But there's like a lot
of freedom that comes from being able to express yourself
like that, and also a lot of fun because it's
it's essentially role playing can be some people are just themselves,
but there's a lot of really fun role play that
goes out. That's the other thing. As well as like
I've always like been um a non theater theater kid.

(50:02):
So I've always been like the kind of kid there's
like I would have gotten into acting, but like I
never really got the push. And like in the area
where we grew up, I think I had a couple
of drama classes and it was like an option to
take that and pursue it, but I never did. But
I was always like, it'd be cool. I did voices
all the time. I do all these little funny voices.
And the idea of like role playing and playing characters

(50:25):
and just like escaping into little fantasy worlds is very
appealing to somebody who's trans Let's just say that, um
like being somebody else for a day, and and that's
I've really I'm really really disappointed in myself that I
never actually pursued that. I mean, at this point now,
if I had more time, I was doing actually studying

(50:46):
to get into voice acting last year, and then Pride
Month happened, and then since then it's been NonStop, So
I want to get back into that. But I just
love this idea of like of of of acting and
tell stories and creating characters and and v tubing is
the perfect way of doing that. I mean, I I

(51:07):
constructed a whole like weird little law video around my character,
and it actually delayed the debut. The debut, by the way,
is when a v tuber first shows off their model
for the first time. The first stream will be called
a debut stream. And because I wanted to make it special,
I worked on a law video that I used my
old motion graphic design skulls and it took me several

(51:30):
months with an artist to to actually put this really
cool little video together and completely delayed what was originally
supposed to be I think October last year to to
like January this year. Um. So, yeah, I get very
passionate about the things that I'm passionate about, and unfortunately
I'm also kind of a perfectionist as well, which is

(51:51):
the tough It's a very tough combination. Yeah. Yeah. Also
I don't finish projects, which is another tough but that
I've been reading a lot about that, and that has
a lot to do with perfectionism, because once you start
to reach the end of the project, it might not
look like what you imagined it to be. And so
because it's not going to be as perfect as you imagine,
you say, never mind, I'm not gonna I'm not going
to finish it. Then that is the issue that I

(52:12):
have with writing. Actually, it's like I I've I've tried
to get into writing, but I'm as somebody that is
kind of a perfectionist that wants things to be awesome.
I I can't deal with it being bad. I wanted
to be perfect good the first time. Don't even talk
to me, like, have you ever taken partant National Novel

(52:33):
Writing Months? I literally in the last episode. Yeah. So
I took part in it nearly every year since two
thars and ten, and I've finished it a couple of times.
But one I recently decided to revisit one of the stories.
In fact, the first story I ever wrote for Nanaimo
was like two ten um. I decided to revisit the

(52:54):
idea and I knew what that. What I wrote was awful.
I finished it, but it was awful because that's the point.
You're supposed to write the words, get the words like,
and add it later. Right, you have to hit the
word target and for anyone who doesn't know, it basically
means you have to write a novel of fifty words
and more in one month in November. And it's hard.
But I decided to revisit it, and I started reading
like the first page of what I wrote in two

(53:15):
thousand ten. I was like, oh, oh no, absolutely the worst.
It's really that was twelve years ago, I know. And
again I was a different person. I was younger. I
was going back to my like, my old it's been
like two thousand, two thousand eleven era stuff, and I'm
just like you, how did I have any friends? Like what?

(53:35):
And then how do I have friends from that time
period who are still my friends now? Y'all are the
real ones? Oh my god? Like I went back to
my old life journal a car look journal. Yeah, we started.
It's I think these are the things that that make

(53:57):
me nervous. I've been talking about this in my inner
recently too, of like, I'm so like embarrassed of who
I was that it makes me afraid to become successful
because those more successful you get them where people dig
up your past. And I'm just like you, I don't
want this to surface, Like I don't want to y'all
don't need to know how I used to just liked

(54:19):
But oh my god, age lord, here's the thing, and
I think it's the best thing that I've learned is
to just stop caring. And it's very hard to do that.
It's like embrace, embrace the cringe. Like the only way
to push past that is like even if people do
dig up stuff from your past and make fun of you, like,
that's not the person that you are now read on stream,

(54:41):
I read my life that like, you know what, let's go.
That's how you get through it. Bring it back to
the writing thing. Have you heard about the Stephen King
method of writing? I think I have, but you have
to like, I think I can go there and then
like dogging on Christianity and put in some weird stuff
in your books. I think that I don't know where

(55:04):
I heard this, but I think Stephen King's method that
he recommended was literally just right out the first draft,
just do it, no matter what. Whatever you get down
on there, that's fine. And then apparently he puts it
away in a drawer for six months and just forgets
about him and then he'll come back to it, and
then do you know, he's he's a person who apparently

(55:25):
as a writer isn't he isn't a planner. He doesn't
like to know how his books end. He just likes
to let the story take him and that was really
reassuring for me because I am not a planner, and
I mean never, I just I want a blueprint and
a structure laid out before I get into I can't.
I'm the most unorganized person in the world as someone

(55:48):
with like a d h D. The idea of the
idea of like writing in general, with even that, it's
weird because like without having like some kind of like
a little bit of a structure there actually terrifies me.
If I didn't know an idea of an ending that
I had in mind, I don't know what where my
brain would take me as I was writing. I was

(56:09):
I had no idea what was going to happen. And
you know what, I read the stuff like back and
it's interesting why I looked at it and I was like,
I know what I was trying to get, but I
didn't achieve that at all. If I'm hoping that revisiting
it now, I can actually achieve what I originally wanted
to do rather than whatever the heck that was. Why
was it best to have like support systems as well,

(56:31):
like the thing that I've always wanted with writing? And
the one of the reasons I never really got into
is is not having other people there to actually take
a look at it and give feedback and things like that.
And um, I feel like maybe that's why I've done
a little bit better in streaming, and like this this
world where if you have close friends that you can

(56:54):
rely on the friends that you make. For instance, I remember,
like back in the early days of streaming, me and
Ty would just talk all of the time, like constantly,
like trying to like go through it together and like
uplift each other and and just try to get through
income with like strategizations and things for for just getting

(57:15):
better at it. And I do feel like that's very
very key um again topic, Yeah, you need that support
system there to lift you up. And I feel like
if anybody's getting into streaming, um, you want to try
and make connections with people, and not just to to
go places, but just to have that support people that
you can just bounce off and say, I've got an idea.

(57:37):
Do you think this is feasible? You know, it's more
important to me and I and this is just speaks
to the kind of person I am. And so it's
going to depend what kind of person you are, but
like it's more important to make connections of support than
it is to make connections that quote further your career,
because a lot of times these connections of support are

(57:58):
the ones that further because because that's that's where the
magic comes in. That's where the you know, I mean
thinking about some of these like big collaborative like minecraft streamers,
you know what I mean that isn't sometimes there's like
a strategic compiling of individuals together, but a lot of

(58:19):
times it's just friends being friends. And that's what good
content is watching people who enjoy each other have a
good time and play a video game together. And I
think that that's that's where a lot of the best
content comes in. Um sometimes like accidental throwing together, so
like like a like a coming together of minds that
aren't just already friends. Podcasts like these, I think there's

(58:40):
a lot of magic to be found in these as well,
or like situations like this as well. Um but I
think that's like where some of my um, bitter, jaded
energy is coming from. Is a lot of times I
go into interactions with people thinking, oh, we're friends, and
then I'm dropped two weeks later because they're friends with
someone who has twice the follow thing that I have

(59:00):
and that they're not getting anything from me anymore so,
and and that's the kind of thing where it makes
me I feel like I can't trust anybody, and then
I uh probably even start to pour that energy into
genuine connections that I've now become untrusting of because I'm
so many you know what I mean, justice traumathys No.

(59:22):
You know what's something that Mia mentioned earlier actually with
relation to like kind of having that support network and stuff.
I have recently, um shout out to my friend Robbie um,
if she's listening. I have recently started basically like an
accountability buddy system type thing, which I think kind of
ties into Shady You're kind of like the study evenings

(59:43):
that you do where you kind of like people come
work along with you. That that kind of thing is
really helpful. So we kind of made this agreement. We've
set up a is it notion? Is that what it's called? Notion? Yeah,
And we've got like a shared board where we kind
of like talk about the things that we want to
achieve that way. She streams as well, but she does art,
whereas I would write a stream and we kind of
talk about the things you want to do and points

(01:00:04):
ideas off each other. And I actually think that that
can be really really helpful, just having somebody who kind
of understands the space that you're in and the reason
that the two of you, or if it's a group
maybe are kind of like working together, talking together, hanging
out or whatever, is to hold each other accountable but
also just support each other, and that it's not about
like mutual gain necessarily, but you are gaining something from

(01:00:26):
that relationship, because, like you know, friendship is a net gain,
right hopefully should yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, unless like one
of you just stopped talking to the other one because
you've got far too busy and then lots of other
stuff like completely took over and uh and and and
you just stop connecting with the people around you that

(01:00:47):
may have may have not happened to me just because
I got really busy and then just like lost connections.
It's it's difficult, it's hard, it's very difficul it's really
really hard. Yeah, and it's it's it's odd as well,
like you have to you have to feel like everybody
is kind of like going through their own thing, as
we've talked about before, and uh, with the anxiety stuff
that I was talking about in the past. It's like

(01:01:08):
I'll get ideas sometimes, Like for for a while, I
had this idea in my in my head that like
one of my friends just hated me for no reason,
um because they got to they got very very successful,
and they got very busy, and in my brain that
converted that too, Oh, they don't like me anymore. They're

(01:01:29):
not making time for me. They have all these new
these new friends now they they're doing their own thing
with them, Which it was like the first thing from
the truth, like this person and and I still, you know,
we're still friends now, we love each other to death,
but I wasn't giving them the benefit because of the
way that my brain works. And I think again, this

(01:01:50):
is kind of like about self love as well. Um,
it was just like, well, obviously they hate me now,
you know, And it was just difficult to get past that.
So at the same time, it's like, yes, there are
some people out there, they're definitely people out there that
want to use you, and we'll just use you, abuse
you and then just move on. But some people, like

(01:02:10):
everyone has their own lives, everyone has things that they're
going through as well, you know, and it's always good
to be mindful of that. Not to get too far
off the topic, but I just wanted to say that Tie,
you are one of the hardest working people that I'm
one of the most organized people that I know too,
and I wish I wish listen, I wish I had

(01:02:33):
an ounce of the organizational skills and perseverance that that
Tie has. Um incredibly inspiring and definitely someone that that
has inspired me. And I'm so proud of you for
doing the things that you do, for for keeping that
it for for the community that you've built with offbeats

(01:02:54):
like um and I see I know that there has
been like different versions of that community as well. And
it goes back to this idea of repetition and growth
and things not necessarily being the perfect the first time
and allowing yourself to fail. Right, You've got to allow
yourself to fail, otherwise you won't grow. It's mostly failure

(01:03:14):
for me, So yeah, I'm glad you noticed that. But
the thing is like, and then you're growing. Uh, if
you're failing, you're growing, Yeah, because it's it's always like
adjusting from what it was, and I mean, whichever the
light bulb guy was that was like, you know, I

(01:03:35):
didn't make the lightbulb the first time. It was like
the two thousand, five hundred at the time. I don't
Thomas Edison, I don't know. Not a history buff um
A lesson involves a cult. But yeah, mr Mr Bulb.
But it's some it's some quote like that of of
like you don't do it right the first time. It
takes a hundred failures before you get the like the

(01:03:58):
light bulb moment. I guess, like um before before it
clicks into place and it makes sense. And and I
don't know, like a lot of the stuff that I
have like persevered on, I think, I think like perseverance
is is I don't know, it's key to a lot
of what Otherwise I wouldn't be doing this anymore, like
I would have given up back in But like there's
been so many I'm in another moment of it of

(01:04:20):
why am I still doing this? Like why not just
try something? I mean I literally was walking around the
lake the other day and they're opening a crepe shop
and it had a now hiring sign and I was like,
you know, maybe I'll just go work at the crepe shop.
Like I'm in such a strange and I go through
the and I don't know if this has something to
do with self sabotage as well, where like things things

(01:04:43):
could go well or and then you just kind of
like derail yourself or you're I'm such a like, well, well,
the thing is if you if you know, if you
don't try, then you don't have to worry about whether
or not succeed. Yeah, yeah, that comes into I can
look back to the proposals and I'm going to go there.

(01:05:03):
But I find both of you very inspiring. So I'm
still slaying. I'm not trying to make it sloppy, but like, truly,
I think that it's really important to look to people
who are your peers and look at, like, you know,
the different things that they're doing. Like both of you
do things that I might never ever try to do
in my career, but I can still look at what
you're doing and go that was really cool. I could

(01:05:26):
I do something like that with what I'm working on,
because I find both of you very inspiring And that
kind of makes me want to ask mea what what
kind of content inspires you? What kind of content motivates you?
Because it's one of those things where you kind of
have to have that kind of motivation coming from different sources.
So what is it for you? Well, that's the thing.
It's like, it's funnily enough, it's looking to the people

(01:05:48):
around me and my peers and seeing the stuff that
they're doing and seeing the stuff that they're going through
and and being like I want to be like them,
you know, I I just want to I want to
be the kind of person and that that that that
does things in that way and might be well, I
don't I watch a lot of I watch a lot
of YouTube videos. I get a lot of ideas, and
not no one in particular. I just like consume content.

(01:06:11):
I don't watch like TV shows or anything like that anymore,
but just in general, just trying to find new and
weird things and letting the algorithm take me. I guess um. Recently,
it's what what's been inspiring me is is letting myself
get out there a little bit more and actually like
start using twitch like I would have when I started streaming,

(01:06:32):
and like that's actually finding new people to watch and
finding a breadth of content to actually inspire the things
that I'm doing. I mean, there's there's I've got another
model for the v tubing coming up, And there are
certain ideas that I've pulled from other v tubers that
I've I've watched in the past. Um my current one

(01:06:55):
is very like it's very tomboy esque and like very
kind of I wanted to keep it a bit more
uh neutral in terms of like gender, just because that's
where I was comfortable at the time. And now because
of like I've seen all these other vitours, I'm like,
so jelly, I'm like they've all got this these amazing
models that are like flourishing costumes and like beautiful dresses

(01:07:17):
and things like that, and I'm like, yeah, I'm doing that.
I'm doing that now. That is a thing that I
want to do it, and I didn't want something that
looks looks fantastic. And again it's, uh, it's pulling in
these little things from around you. It's always been um
not necessarily stealing all the ideas from other people, but
it's been like taking and adapting and and making it

(01:07:38):
your own. And uh yeah, it's it's literally the content
creators around me and streamers around me and the people
that I look up to that inspire me. M. Do
you have any Okay, not a good segue. Do you
have any big failures along your your path not just
in V two being but along streaming? Like, are there
any big failures that stand out to you that you
learned a lot from or that my life? What did

(01:08:05):
I say? Listen, listen with me. There comes a lot
of deprecation. That's that's you know, that's how I roll.
I mean, it's I don't know if it's just an
English thing or or just in general. Um, big failures again,
like in terms of like my content creation journey, I

(01:08:28):
feel like I'm constantly getting stuff wrong again, like with
with with projects that I've worked on and just abandoned,
and ideas that I've just abandoned and things that I've tried,
Like what was very very awful to go through, um,
not talking about trauma again was being a war Frame partner.

(01:08:48):
So I was a war Frame part none. Sorry sorry,
Let me let me preface that what Frame was wonderful.
The people a Digital Extreames who make it are absolutely amazing.
But I dedicated myself to game for a very long time,
and I built up a core audience of people who
were very very into that game. And then I decided
to go variety, and of course when I went variety,

(01:09:11):
not many people were into the idea of seeing me
play other stuff because they were just there for war Frame,
and so the numbers obviously dropped. And that was, you know,
incredibly disheartening at any time that that I that I
that I look at other people who are let's say

(01:09:33):
they started after me, or they started at the same
time as me, and they all of a sudden, you know,
they have like three people watching them at once and
I'm still like stuffed down at a lower number than them.
That makes me feel terrible. What am I? Um? Yeah, yeah,
Like like the like again feeds back into the imposter syndrome. Right,

(01:09:55):
It's like you're not doing the right thing. You're doing
things wrong. And it's different content that I'm making. That's why,
That's why I justify it with I'm making different content.
I'm doing things for a different audience. I don't necessarily
have the same audience as that person. And I've started
at The thing that I kept doing that kept making
me feel like I was failing in a way is

(01:10:16):
that I started compartmentalizing, like the work that I do
streaming side and the work that I do with Gaming magazine.
I was compartmentalizing the two, and because one wasn't going
as well as I like it, I was completely forgetting
that the other one I was doing pretty okay, So like,
I might not be hitting the numbers that I want

(01:10:38):
to hit, but at the same time, I'm dedicating more
time to another thing which is going incredibly well, and
I'm enjoying the hell out of um And and it's
just like recognizing, yeah, maybe I'm maybe I'm spreading myself
a little thin and it's having consequences, but those consequences
are okay, and it's okay. It's these things will pass,

(01:11:01):
you know. Has there been a moment um and like
along your path that you've felt, Wow, I've done it, Like, wow,
I'm finally here. Is there no no Twitch ambassador, not
even with Twitch ambassador, um. I think I think like

(01:11:21):
because as much as I love that I have Twitsch
Ambassador and I I lost my mind when they asked
me to be a Twitch ambassador. I'm very very grateful
that they asked me. I'm very very grateful that I'm
I'm getting marketing out of it. Um. But like the
it doesn't really change anything at the core right, I'm

(01:11:43):
still doing the things that I'm that I'm doing, um,
and I've completely lost my train of thought. Have you
ever next? Have you ever felt like I'm here, I've
done it, like for I'm doing it? Yeah, yeah, no, no,
no no, because I feel like the things that I
do is it's constant growth and change, right, And I

(01:12:06):
don't know if I'll ever be at that point honestly,
because if I get to that point that I've done it,
there's nothing to continue catapulting me forward to make changes
and try and do things better. If I ever get
to the point where I say I'm here, I've done it,
that's I know for a fact that I'd start resting
on my laurels and and eventually again that'll go away.

(01:12:30):
You know what. Yes, Actually, the war Frame Partner thing,
the the amount of attention that I got from that,
that was the first feeling of of yes, I got it.
And then you lean into it too much, And that's
exactly what happens if you lean into something and and
get lazy because you've gotten to that point. Um, I

(01:12:52):
do feel like then that's that's when I started to
start feeling burnt out to like I was just doing
the same feeling whenever again happened a lot with people
listened as they hit Twitch partner. Yeah, that's exactly what happens.
Like you see this push for a Twitch partner, people
will try over and over again. They'll get the communities
riled up, and they'll be like, Yeah, we just need
to hit it. We need to get these numbers of

(01:13:13):
constantly rates from everybody. You know, We've just gotta have
to hit Twitch partner. Now that now that the Twitch
partner that support like dies, they've been putting in so
much effort, they think they don't need to do any
more work after that, and the numbers like instantly dropping.
I almost can quit streaming after getting partners, Like I
don't know exactly how long I want to say it
was like six months to a year after I hit Partner,

(01:13:36):
and I had felt like there had been so much momentum,
and I don't think I rested on my laurels, but
I think part of me expected that, um, I was
just going to keep working hard and people are gonna
keep showing up and it's gonna be great. But a
lot of people kind of got caught up in the hype.
So people were like oh, you're so close to partner.
I'm going to be there every day, and like, I
don't blame them, they don't have to be there. But

(01:13:57):
at the same time, I got to a point where
my numbers on Twitch were like half maybe what they
had been right as I got partnered, and they were
nowhere near even hitting like the partner requirement anymore. And
I was like, I don't know what I'm doing anymore,
and I don't know what I'm doing wrong, and I
feel like the content I'm creating is still the same

(01:14:17):
as it was before, but just no one's interested. And
it got me to this point where I was like, right, okay.
I remember sitting down actually and crying, and I was
just like, I don't know what to do anymore. I
I like, people don't seem to enjoy my content. And
I literally said to my partner like, if this is
still happening this way and like three months or six
months or something, maybe I'm just going to have to
take it down to part time again. And it wasn't

(01:14:38):
It wasn't about the money or anything. It was about
the fact that I felt like I had achieved something
and then it had kind of like gone way backwards,
and I was like, I don't know what to do. Yeah,
oh yeah, absolutely. I was like, I just I clearly
didn't deserve to get partners, you know what I mean?
And that's obviously silly, but like I also, I don't

(01:14:59):
know if you both feel this way, but like I
actually sat down how a really frank conversation with my
partner one day because he said to me, like, when
are you going to be happy? When are you going
to be satisfied with what you've changed? And I was like, yeah,
that's terrible because the answer is I don't think I'm
going to be I don't think there's a number, Like
I can't say, oh, once I hit two very years,

(01:15:19):
I'll be happy, because as soon as if I hit two.
You see it with all of these like super huge streamers,
Like I said, even with that what I was talking
about with the YouTuber or the Dan in real life person,
there's someone who was like millions you know on YouTuber
wind and they were still struggling with all of these
same things. It's just there's a phrase for it, and

(01:15:40):
I think that we heard it in the last episode
Dr k Ross, But there's a phrase for like it
you hit the goal and then you've got a new goal,
so so just be like right now, it's like, you know,
it could be I'm just trying to maintain fifty average
viewers and I'm feeling really good. If I have fifth
and then like six months from now, you could be
someone who's like always at a hundred and a fifty

(01:16:00):
viewer day is like, oh my god, I'm failing. And
and so the milestones are constantly being pushed further the
goal posts or whatever. So there's never like the numbers
or the ratio and the frame of it just changes,
but the mindset doesn't go away. And I think that's
what has me really questioning if I want to keep

(01:16:23):
doing it or not, because it's like this is never
going to stop. Like it doesn't. It's always going to
be here. I'm always going to be like, oh, I
only got six thousand views in the first twenty four
hours on my YouTube video, you know what I mean? Like, oh,
I only got a hundred thousand views on this video.
After a week, I only have two hundred viewers right now.
Like it. It frustrates me, and it it makes me

(01:16:44):
feel like maybe I should just go sell crapes at
the Lake. I've been playing, and I want to become
a witch don't want The thing is like, and I've
been trying to wrap my head around it because like
I'm I'm again, I just hit Twitch Ambassador and now
I'm I'm left with this idea that Okay, what do

(01:17:05):
I want to strive for now? You know, Um, I've
quote unquote made it in general. Um for like the
the the ideals that I said. I was like, Okay,
I want to hit partner, Okay, now I want to
hit Twitch Ambassador. And now I'm like, okay, what now, um?
And and the thing is like, I can I can

(01:17:27):
switch it to all right, So now I need to
get to a certain number I have need to have
this this this goal. But a massive part of me
is just like I want to like maybe take a
step back at this point and actually like make the
content that I want to make that's fulfilling to me.
Like I love all the stuff that I'm doing at gaming,
and I'd love to talk more about that at some point. Um.

(01:17:48):
And I still enjoy the content that I'm doing on
my own channel, but at the same time, I really
want to like pursue the voice acting thing, you know,
I want to make time for that too, And it's like, Okay,
that's not streaming related. That isn't like part of this career.
You know, Um, it could tie back into it if

(01:18:09):
I get good at it and like generate like a
fan base from that. But at the same time, I
kind of want to just like go after the things
that bring me joy as well and get into the
mindset that, Okay, maybe I'm not doing on on Twitch.

(01:18:29):
I'm not doing like the best numbers in the world.
My numbers aren't amazing or anything, but I'm getting joy
from this other area with the gaming stuff, and like
I want to maybe pursue something completely different. And I
think holding ourselves to these like arbitrary ideas that like
numbers equal how successful you are is really really damaging,

(01:18:54):
especially with with and I'm just going to call it
twitch syndrome at this point. There's not actually a term
for it, but this idea or that obviously going after numbers,
but this idea that once you get to partner, you've
made it, or once you get to Twitch Ambassador, you've
made it, and then coming to that shocking realization when
you actually hit that that you know, the work keeps

(01:19:15):
going and there's something else to go for um and
I do feel like that's totally we're talking about like
getting to those milestones and then like being like Okay,
it's done now. That's totally true about Twitch chat to right,
like they'll be like, Okay, we're pushing for it. It's done,
the journey is over. We're gonna go find something else

(01:19:36):
to do now. Yeah, we're going to go find another
streamer to help get to that point, you know, like
it's it's and and and it's really really damaging and
dangerous for streamers to get into that. I think a
lot of this grindy like partner push, Sabbathan, I think
a lot of this like grindy culture of twitches very unhealthy,
like yeah, well healthy, I would I would definitely say

(01:19:59):
like part of that falls on Twitch to Twitch encourages it. Yeah,
hyper encourages you to like look at numbers, look at stats,
make sure that you're like hitting certain metrics. You need
to hit certain metrics in order to attract sponsorship opportunities,
because they only want to go after the people with
numbers rather than going after the people who actually have

(01:20:19):
communities that will look at this stuff and it's nice
to see that's changing a little bit. There's the different
agencies popping up, like impact over numbers, which literally uh
like reached out to me before the Ambassador's stuff and
was like, listen, we want to put you in a
stream with a bunch of other content creators, and we're
going to pay you this much money. I'm like, are

(01:20:42):
you kidding me? I don't get like five viewers per stream?
You want to give me that much for playing a
game for an hour? You are? You? Okay? You're all right? Um?
And and it's nice that it's nice to see that
they're like they people are starting to understand the value
of like it necessarily numbers like social the social worth

(01:21:02):
the person and what they bring to the table and
the effect that they actually have on other people. Um
And again it might not be reflected in the numbers
that you have on Twitch, but that's that metric as
we should get our head around. Isn't the end of it?
Isn't the real and end all of everything? Yeah, well, okay,
I'm going to change tracks just a little bit. It

(01:21:24):
kind of ties into what you're talking about, but um,
you specifically mentioned you'd like to talk more about Gaming
Magazine and what you're doing there, So could you tell
us a little bit more about what you're actually doing,
what's coming up if you can share, because I think
like Gaming magazine it's really important to a lot of people.
So like that's a that's an impact of our numbers thing. Yeah,
I'm I'm I'm I'm glad to hear and honestly, like

(01:21:46):
so the Gaming Magazing is Game Magazine is a online
um h journalistic magazine essentially, it's it's basically a games
coverage news site that focuses on everything queer and geeky,
um well, everything everything queer in the world of video
games and geekiness essentially, which is which is amazing to

(01:22:10):
see and it's amazing to have that. But they also
m Robin, who's like the head hunter over there, has
these great ideas for all like everything that he wants
to do. He's he's there's you know, there's the podcast,
there's the Gaming Awards, there's um so many other ventures
that they're going down into and it's really inspiring to
try and to see that and try and try and

(01:22:33):
get to to raise up the queer community in the
gaming industry in general, and like carve out a space
for us, absolutely fantastic. Um with me. A lot of
the work that I do, I'm on the Twitch side,
I'm on the the YouTube, I'm in the so I'm
live content producer, which essentially means I'm in charge of

(01:22:53):
everything that's twitch. I'm in charge of everything that goes
on the channel. And when I was approached about this, well,
initial really it was I was a guest host, like
a co co host, guest on the podcast multiple times
when they first got started with it, they would be
like rotating guests. They bring me in every now and
then to talk through things. And then when the Panini happened,

(01:23:16):
when the when the global situation started, we had to
switch to digital because it was in person, and instead
of it being like rotating co host again, I was
just invited to just be on all time as the
the co host. And then eventually it got to the
point where Robin, who was the host on there, who

(01:23:38):
again runs everything over a game, and just did not
have time for anymore. And so he approached me and
he said, hey, do you want to take over the podcast?
Would you like to put more content up on the channel.
And initially it was just going to be me streaming
once a week on the gaming channel, and I was like,
that sounds sorry, Robin, that sounds like the student for

(01:24:00):
this idea i've ever heard. Not only will it cannibalize
my audience, but it's not really bringing anything to the
table um And a lot of what I do, again
is trying to uplift the people around me. So I thought, well,
let's do something a little bit different. Let's, um, let's
get queer streamers onto the onto a show and just

(01:24:23):
play video games together. And um we start a new
show called Let's Go Gaming. And it was really important
to me that I just find queer content creators people
in the community and I literally just let them get
together and and be themselves authentically, not have to worry
about you know, it's a show. I have to talk

(01:24:44):
about myself, I have to sell myself. Just exist in
a space where queer creators can be themselves with other
people and just play video games or well, so far
we've played video games, but it could be anything. We
could do a cooking stream or or a challenge or
a quiz or something like that. I've got ideas for
the future, but it was really important to me it's
like I just want people to see others because it's

(01:25:07):
not about me. I want to get it to a
point where I don't know. I kind of took inspiration
from from Geek and Sundry a little bit. The the
the vision for that Twitch channel is that eventually it
will just be a multitude of shows that I won't
have anything to do with, which just showcases the best
of the queer community on the internet. That's that's the plan.

(01:25:30):
That's the that's the long plans. Yeah, it's a great plan.
I need more of that. Actually, to be honest, it
is like a queer person on the Internet, I just
need to see more. It's the it's the existing authentically.
It's the being able to be yourself with other people
like you and not feel like it's forced because you know,

(01:25:50):
oh you're just you're being highlighted because you're the you
know whatever, and they're bringing you on for that reason exactly,
and it's just hanging it out, you know, like yeah, exactly.
Like the I love the idea of like you don't
have to come on and sell yourself and talk about
like lgbt Q i A issues, like you're just here
gay and play games. Exactly. That's the weird thing is

(01:26:13):
like it's it's totally against war. I guess what it
should be, but it's it's it's like, um, it's just
it's just queer people not necessarily like even having to
justify their own existence, just existing, which a lot of
what you see in LGBT spaces online is literally nothing
but like advocation, which is great, fantastic, and I advocate

(01:26:36):
for obviously rights all the time, minority rights in a
lot of spaces, especially and again the current climate that
we'regard and especially on on the sites light Twitch, where
marginalized communities are constantly um propped upon. Let's say bye

(01:26:56):
by the by the gamer bros and the people who
initially had control over the sites. You know that that
core gamer community that's there, that's made up of a
lot of these people who don't who gate keep and
don't want to let anybody else in. Um. So it's
incredibly important to have that advocacy, and we do that
on the podcast as well. We'll talk about issues and stuff,

(01:27:20):
but again, it's nice just to see people existing in
the space and being themselves without it also takes away
like a certain um maybe reputation or connotation that minorities
um in any form, like women or people of color
or queer people, where it's like all we're associated with

(01:27:40):
at a certain point is the advocacy, and so so
there's there's a reputation or connotation that comes along that like, oh,
they're just going to you know, shout and scream and
yell again. Instead of just seeing us in our normal state,
they're only seeing us when we're passionate about you know,
like advocating for ourselves. Yeah, It's one of the things

(01:28:01):
I really really hate about online interactions is that everybody
already has a preconceived notion of what the other person
is or is going to say or is about. Um.
The thing that frustrates me so much, like, let's go
back to Twitter, getting into Twitter arguments with people and
like trying to explain a point to someone and trying
to get across a point, but in their head they

(01:28:24):
already have this strong man view of you and your views.
The things that annoy me so much is like any
time that I've been on the front page of Twitch,
people coming in and seeing that I'm trans and starting
asking me questions about Okay, so you're you're trans, right,
what's your what's your view on this issue and this
issue and this issue? How do you feel about trans

(01:28:46):
people in sports? And you know, I have my views,
but I'm not there on the front page necessarily to
capitulate to some random troll or somebody who's on a
different political spectrum than me. Like I'm there to exist
and be myself first and foremost. I mean, I'll talk
about politics, I'll talk about you know, about my beliefs,

(01:29:06):
but at the end of the day, I want to
exist as me first, you know, and just be without
having these expectations put upon me by everybody else. And
just like I'm saying, it's nice to have a space
just to do that, um and and provide that for
other people. And it's been so gratifying to get to
hang out with so many wonderful content creators, UM just

(01:29:29):
existing in the space too. It's it's again that's what
inspires me bringing these people on, seeing how they interact
with each other, how they talk about their communities and
the things that they do. UM. I don't know if
you probably have the same kind of experience, but being
on the gaming podcast and you can probably relate is

(01:29:50):
like having all these guests on and just just being
an owe of the things that they've gone through and
the things that they've done, and and just getting like
super and so like mind expanding. It's like I'm going
to have conversations that I don't have on a normal basis.
I'm getting to see things from a different perspective in
in a very comfortable space too at the same time,

(01:30:11):
and we're like we all we have like similar motive
or motivations or like maybe like a vision for what's
going to happen in this hour or two. Um, and
we're just here to vibe in the moment. And this is,
you know, a way that I haven't gotten to spend
my time in ever. So it's like a what of
a kind moment? And uh and and mind expanding um.

(01:30:33):
And also I think like it helps a lot with like,
like Psyche mentioned at the start of the episode, UM,
makes you feel less isolated hearing that other people are
going through some of the similar struggles that you are,
even if they're in such different like experiences or or
expressions of that kind of moment, you know, absolutely, yeah, Um,

(01:30:55):
So I am conscious that we have been talking for
for a long time. I've been enjoying it so very much.
But I before we do get to a point where
we have to think about wrapping up, I do have
a question for you, and it's one that you asked
me when I guess I was a guest on the
Gaming My podcast. So I'm turning it back on you,
Mek alright, So it's not too tricky, it's not quick

(01:31:15):
fire questions. So for anyone who has not listened to
the Gaming Magazine podcast, first of all, fixed that it's
on Twitch. It's great, it's on Is it every other Sunday?
It's every other Sunday p m UK time. Yeah. Perfect,
So they do a quick fire questions. I promise I'm
not going to do that. But you did ask me
if I had any advice for someone who was l

(01:31:38):
g B, t Q I plus and was trying to
get into content creation, what kind of advice would I give?
So I'm going to turn that question back on you
because I don't think I've ever asked you that. I
don't think you have ever asked me that. Um, I
don't think many people have actually ever asked me that,
and I don't think I've ever really thought about an answer.
But let's let's let's roll with it and see what
we come up with. I would say, again, let's go

(01:32:00):
back to learn to take chances and learn not to
be afraid of just doing things. Be yourself unashamedly. Um.
If you're if you're trying to get into content creation,
be yourself and the people who like what you do
will find you and form connections. That's the main thing

(01:32:24):
we we again we touched on it, form connections with people,
not to get ahead, just again to have that support
network to create friendships and uh and and and lift
each other up. Because that's I really do think that's
the best thing that you can do to to like
make yourself more comfortable, to grow to do all of

(01:32:44):
that good stuff. Um is, Yeah, that's that's just just
just be yourself and form connections. That's perfect, Thank you, JD.
Do you have any more questions? Well, what do you
have going on for the next you know, a little
bit next month, maybe coming up over the summer? Uh
more short term to like what do you got going
up next week? Um? But what's what's next on the

(01:33:06):
plate for me? Aboute Okay, Well, there's there's also obviously
the stuff of gaming is constantly ongoing and causes me
constant stress because I've got to come up with bringing
people on the shows every single week. It's amazing, by
the way, So my kind of stuff kind of falls
out after the wayside a little bit. I literally at
the moment, I've I've just been playing Fortnite right now.

(01:33:28):
I'm playing a lot of Fortnite. Okay, okay, let me
justify this. Let me justify this. They added, um, they
took away the option to build in one of the
games game mode now and there's so much more fun now.
Just myself from Shady because she hasn't that. I'm also

(01:33:49):
so THI joined us Thia for going around by myself
because the first time I ever played Fortnite was was
part of the Gaming magazines production that Mia had me
on for. That is you're responsible, You're responsible. After that,
I played one round of Fortnite by myself and I
won because I hid in a bush towards the very

(01:34:12):
end and there were three or four people fighting over
me and it was down to the last two and
as soon as that one person got taken down, I
sprung out of They were literally on top of me,
like I was like, how did they not? And I
popped out of the bush got there and I was like,
and there was the last time I played it. I
was like, I'm gonna walk away on that, and I'm
not gonna because I know how those get salty. Those

(01:34:34):
games make me and they make me very salt. Yeah. Yeah,
I've been failing that recently as well. So we've been
playing a bunch of Fortnite. UM, We've I've also been
doing a new play for a blood Born. Actually really
wanted to ask, and I'm not sure how much time
we do have, but I wanted to ask you all
about like I played elden Ring recently. I loved it
to death. Have you played elden Ring? Are you getting
into it? I don't know that I will. Um, I

(01:34:55):
haven't played it, but I'm struggle with health issues and
heart reputations and stuff, so I'm I'm trying to avoid
anything that that hits my adrenaline really hard. And I
think that elden Ring is the most relaxing souls game
that I think, but it's a colored A relaxing souls
game is to be like I don't know, Like I

(01:35:17):
can't even come up with a good metaphor. It's still
a Souls game. Like it's still like the heartbeat noise
sound effect is constantly going off, like it's this is
the most relaxing zombie movie I've ever seen. It's still
a zombie movie. But here's the thing. Here's the thing that,
like with with with Alden Ring, at least, like if
you hit a brick wall that's starting to close you
that stress, you can just go wonder off somewhere else

(01:35:39):
because it's so it's like Breath of the Wild. Yeah,
it's like it's Breath of the Wild Souls, That's what
it is. Even playing it, Oh, don't even get me started.
I'm I don't know if I'm ever going to finish it.
I like literally, and it's not it's not because of
the difficulty. The difficulty is obviously a part of it,
but like it's huge, Like it's obscenely huge, so much

(01:36:00):
to do. I'm like, I think for anyone who's playing
Eldon Ring, you might mee know where I'm talking about. Um,
I got the two pieces of the Secret Medallion and
went to the secret half thing and I've just got
there and I have no idea what's lying on the
other side. But I'm very excited. So I don't know.
I'm like, I'm ninety hours in and that's probably the
biggest stream game I've ever done a single game. It's huge.

(01:36:25):
Did you finish I finished it? Yeah, I finished it.
I am I want to do like a new game
plus play through, but like I kind of got burnt
out on it after I was done, too, because I
went full in on that game. I was playing it offline.
I was like progressing and doing side quests, and I
was like, I don't even care if Chad doesn't see this.
I'm doing this thing. I accidentally killed a boss that

(01:36:48):
chat was really upset that I killed without them, but
you know, I was super super into it. So yeah,
I've I've been having like I had an amazing amount
of fun with that, and now I'm doing Bloodborn, which
isn't as fun, but it so it's a good experience
because it still like a Soul's like and it's one
of the games that I played very very early on
in my streaming career, I think like back Ineen or

(01:37:10):
something like towards the end, and I sucked at it.
And now after Elder Ring, I've gone back. I'm not
sure if it's just growing as a streamer and being
able to like handle chat in the game at the
same time or whatever. But I'm doing so well like
on it now, like understanding the core concepts and how
everything works. And it was my first Souls game. That's
so that's probably got something to do with it. But yeah,

(01:37:30):
so that's that's going good. And still playing through Financy
fourteen at the moment. That's always brilliant. Neither of you
play Farmancy fourteen, do you? I do? I don't do.
I've been trying to get tight to play Final Fantasy
fourteen for so long, but you just can't give it
to a monthly pay game. I just can't. Well, did

(01:37:52):
you know they're critically acclaimed. Yeah, it's free to play
up to level sixty and includes the award winning first expansion,
Heaven's for a limited playtime tie. You don't have to
pay anything. That's really that's really interesting, Okay, and that

(01:38:17):
every day this whole podcast, I could I could just
talk about video games. I love I'm so passionate about
video games. I could just talk about video games. Um,
but obviously were I don't want to keep you old
cars that we're doing. So this is it's a beautiful
lengthy I know. It's like I feel like we keep like, oh,

(01:38:38):
let's wind it down, and then we're like, wait, let's
go back in, and let's go let's go back in.
That's nice. Yeah, it's really nice to have people that
you can really vibe with. It really really helps. Yeah,
we moved away from trauma as well. We go ahead
and like like the elephant was here, and we're like,
let's just go ahead and like open, like let's deal

(01:38:58):
with that. It's part of a giant door out and
let the elephant leave the room. Like no, that's the thing.
Like the video games have always been my cure drama.
Like that's always been my escape mechanism, and it's probably
why I'm so passionate about them. Like being a closeted
transperson back in the nineties and stuff. I threw myself
into every single character Croatia game. I can manage and

(01:39:20):
tell myself at the time, Oh yeah, I'm playing the
female characters. I just like the way they look. That's
the reason why. Yeah, nothing to do with that. I
called what's their name? I called the Mia you know
that that stuff. I just like it is right, Like
every single female character. I chose the name Mia and yeah, yeah,
it's it's it's hard. I don't know, like, yeah, just

(01:39:41):
because I like that name. It was it was a thing,
and I just like looking at the female characters, always
thought about the boy characters. I was thinking, like I
just let saunter Like, I feel like I lost myself.
I'm sorry, I'm going straight back into the conversation. But
I lost myself in video games because I could go
bullied as I like as a teenager. So I was like,

(01:40:02):
you know what, morrow Wind was there for me and
a really really hard time in my life. I just
threw myself in. And that's one of those games where
you're in there for hundreds of hours and you can
just do whatever you want. And I still remember it
was an Easter brick during school and I didn't leave.
We We had my Xbox in the dining room really randomly.

(01:40:22):
I had all the curtains clothes so the TV didn't
have any glare on it so I could play in
my video. And my mom was like, are you a vampire?
And I was like, no, momm a werewolf. You know
what I mean. I did the exact same thing, like
you draw the curtains just because of those old monitors.
You're like anything any sunlight just glare constantly. It was.
It was awful. Yeah, I feel you, I feel you
on that well. I feel like unfortunately we should probably

(01:40:46):
wrap up eventually. Me and where can people find you
on the internet? Tell us all about it. You can
find me in a multitude of places. If you want
to see my lovely face, you can catch me on
over at twitch dot tv Forward Slash Gaming mag that
is g A Y M I n G M A
G Gaming with the Y and we do all kinds

(01:41:08):
of content over there. We do the podcast which is
every two weeks like we say, and every Wednesday or
Thursday on a rotating basis, we have Let's Go Gaming
where we have all manner of cool queer guests coming
on in doing their things, just being absolutely awesome. I
played Mario Party yesterday with the lovely musician Shure and

(01:41:31):
they brought in another queer content creative banner as well.
It was absolutely fantastic. If you want to see the
v tubing stuff, you can join me on over at
twitch dot tv Forward slash mea bytes and like if
you search me a bite you'll find all that stuff.
We might even eventually do an anime reading of Tommy.

(01:41:52):
Was that the room? Oh my god, Oh my god.
I don't know, a bunch of voice actor friends. It's
something that's been kicked around, so I'm not sure when
that's happening. But when it does eventually happen, and it's
going to be amazing, that's fine. That's very shady. What
have you got going on and working? I'm I guess
still on like kind of a break right now. I

(01:42:13):
don't know. Um, I'm gearing up, That's what I would say.
Like I've I've recently gotten like some new equipment. Um,
I have a second mic now. So I'm gonna be
trying to move a little bit more into like an
a SMR realm with the midnight study sesh like esoteric
deep dive research streams I've been doing. Um, I'm really
working on my website. I think I'm gonna move a
little bit more heavily into blogging um and and running

(01:42:35):
like a website kind of a Wikipedia space, and then
Twitch and YouTube are still going to be part of it.
But I'm kind of still trying to find my identity.
I'm sick of feeling trapped in boxes, and I keep
putting myself in boxes and so it's all over the place.
Hey shitty Lady dot com. Sorry, I tell you what
I tell you. Why you know you could say you
are or else. In's like, I'm really looking forward to

(01:42:57):
our Fortnite collaboration straight top. It amazing great. I mean,
let's do let's do it the three of us again.
You know, I'm down whatever, let's do it. So where
where where can people find that content? Yeah, it's all
Hey shady Lady on everything, Twitter, Twitch, Instagram, uh, TikTok, YouTube,

(01:43:22):
all the good stuff, and hey, hey shady Lady dot
com is the website. I'm kicking back up. I'm almost
done with like the initial like getting all the bio
and the contact pages working, so I'm starting to move
in actual blog production on that and it's all gonna
I feel like having that roosting point gives me. It's
like ready made scripts at this point, Like I've got
these blog posts made and then I can just immediately

(01:43:42):
segue to YouTube videos with them, and then I feel
like there's there's a lot because they do like twitch
tip type YouTube videos and stuff. A huge talking point
in those is always give people a reason to care
that you're a streamer in the first place, like do
something special off of Twitch, so people care about your
Twitch stream And I'm like, that's what my website is
going to be, so like that, what about you, Psyche.

(01:44:04):
So my schedules all over the place at the minute,
but normally you can find me Monday's, Tuesdays, Thursdays and
Fridays at noon bs T or UK time, depending on
when you're listening to this. Um. However, I am going
to be at Advertising Week Europe, which I think is
the week after this episode goes live. UM, I'm going
to be speaking on a panel. Uh It's it's a

(01:44:24):
very marketing focused event, but I'm going to be speaking
on a panel with a bunch of other really great
creators about how brands can create more inclusive experiences. So
I'm pretty excited about that. And if you're not able
to be at the event, because again it's a very
marketing focused, like brand focused event, I think that the
sessions are all going to be recorded, so they should
be available afterwards. So that's me. That's part of the

(01:44:45):
reason that my schedule is just all over the place
at the minute. But that's me and I am twitched
dot tv for slash Psyche or Psyche plays on pretty
much everything except TikTok, where I'm Psyche Twitch because I
didn't successfully brand myself and that pretty much me. All right. Well,
m Mia, thank you so so much for your time
and sharing your journey with everyone today. It's been awesome.

(01:45:07):
It's been a wonderful conversation. It's been an honor. Like
I absolutely love everything that you're doing here. You know,
I listen religiously every single episode that comes out, and
you always have the best guests on and you're doing
great work. Well. Thank you, every thank thank you everyone
so much for listening, and I suppose we will catch
you on the next episode of Boss Level podcast. Bye everybody, Bye,

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Episode 10 - feat. Miabyte

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}Episode 10 - feat. Miabyte