Episode 12 - Host Roundtable - Boss LVL

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:03):
This is fun. We haven't like hung out as a
team in a while. I know, I'm super excited for this.
It's been a long time, very long time. It's great
to see you again, though, Why has everybody been? Oh,
I don't know. This year has been kind of crazy
in a good day or a bad way, I don't know. Honestly,

(00:24):
I feel like I'm just kind of floating. I don't
know this is It's been a strain. My birthdays in
two weeks and I still feel like I'm stuck in
December depression. Yeah that's valid. Yeah, because time is still
an illusion. Yeah, it really is. Though I feel like
I keep talking about this I don't mean to, but
like it's it's May already. I'm not sure exactly when

(00:46):
this episode is coming up, but we're recording it in May,
and I don't know where the time went. And it
just really feels like times a concept that I don't
understand anymore. At the same time, it feels like things
are like dragging and then all of a sudden, like
years have gone by. What is happening and collectively experiencing
that it's nuts. It's really really weird. It really does

(01:08):
feel like time is like super expedited this year though,
like or maybe not even just this year, but over
the last couple of years. It's just like I've blinked
and it's I don't know, it's really really weird, absolutely bizarre,
but you know it is. I'm feeling okay. I feel
like I've kind of done this thing where I'm like

(01:29):
up and up and down a lot recently. And I'm
currently saying that, but I was on very bag. I
saw this meme yesterday that was like life has its
ups and downs and then it's just a character that's like,
wait to wait a second, you guys are having ups. Yeah, yeah,
so yeah, I feel like I've been like platawing, Like

(01:51):
I've been up and then platauing and then it just
kind of decides which way wants to go. So that's
where I'm at, Like right now, I'm like platowing. So
it's like I really hope it goes up because I
told needed to go down. I'm kind of busy. Yeah.
Do you feel like that happens with content because I
feel like with content creation that that's happened to me
a lot recently. Like I feel like I've hit a
plateau and then it's just like nothing's changing and it's

(02:13):
really weird. See, And that's how I felt, honestly for
like a couple of years, or at least like a year.
And that's why I feel like this year I made
a lot of big changes and I'm not really making
content lately, and I feel okay with that. I feel
very like at peace, and it's been like really good
for my mental health and like I kind of, you know,
sort of think maybe I just am not meant for
content creation, like meant to just like consume everything that

(02:35):
other people do. Maybe I don't need to. That's so funny.
I've had that. I literally had that conversation with one
of my friends like a couple of days ago, like
I don't know if I'm cut out to be a streamer.
Like it's so I really don't think that people myself included,
understand what it entails long term, like I've been I've
been doing since six years, and I'm like, I also know,

(02:57):
like with all the world stuff going on, I saw
something circulating really called social media fatigue. Everybody is just
collectively hitting a social media fatigue because it's all we
had for a couple of years you know, and I like,
on top of that, and then all of all of
like analytics are starting to go down because everyone, like
the pandemic feels like it's over. It's summertime at least

(03:19):
in the northern UH hemisphere, and and everything just feels
like it's tanking. I've also been like, I don't know,
my like self sabotaging. I've been putting a lot of
boundaries in place, and I feel like if I don't
be the hey, everyone, welcome to my stream, I'm your
best friend, I love you all, then nobody wants to
like I'm trying to, Like, I've like shattered that illusion
because it's gotten really toxic and paras social for me.

(03:41):
And then everything just like disappeared for me, and I'm like,
I can't have I don't know, can't have boundaries or
else I'm unapproachable and like, I don't know, it's been
It's been a lot. I've been struggling with a lot
about being a content creator, and um, I mean I've
even been considering like maybe I should be doing behind
the scenes like production style stuff or like coaching or whatever,

(04:03):
like and if you do that, that's totally fine, that's
like that's a choice that it took me a very
long time to come to, and I just thought, like,
this is what I'm supposed to be doing, is like
hosting and content and stuff like that, and I just
like and I don't even know why, Like you know,
I can't even like like I think. I feel like
a lot of other people have a more clear defined
vision of like here's why I got into content. I'm like,
I couldn't tell you. I honestly don't know what drove me.

(04:25):
And that's why I kind of lost my drive at
the end there, which is fine because now I'm like,
I just have no desire to I just want to
like experience things myself and consume other people's content. And
I just feel like I don't need to be putting
anything out there. And it was really difficult to make
that decision for a while because it felt like it
felt like giving up. It felt like I had failed,
It felt like I it felt like giving up, and

(04:46):
I was like, I don't give up. I don't quit.
That's not what I do. But it's a change. It's
a new season in my life, and I have a
different I don't know, I had different motivations and then
I did even six months ago. But it's working for
me for now, and who knows, well, you know, what
the future will hold. I'm trying to find more balance
between like Twitch and other platforms because I have a

(05:08):
lot of fun with other platforms, but Twitch, I just
feel like dreams my battery very quickly. Is it because
it's live? It is because it's live. And then often
I catch myself like like there's so many life things
that I need to do that I am so backed
up on, like hi, and I think it's it's like
if I didn't like have to do this thing at

(05:29):
this particular time, like then maybe I could like have
some free time here to do to um, I don't know,
just do life things like my car like ups box
has been like clogged up for like two weeks now,
but like it's not open on the weekends, like I
can only go during business hours. Within business hours, I
am streaming, and then it's like then like when it
comes to like creating TikTok and stuff like that, then

(05:51):
I get like really tired, and it's like it's kind
of hard like with a balance of schedule with Twitch,
because it's just like I want to explore other things. Um,
but I know that not it's hard enough getting support
on Twitch regardless, because I kind of feel the same
like with hey, say, but my kind of concept of
going into shading, I've been into streaming, like I've been

(06:13):
very very para social, so it's just like, hey, this
is a line. No one will cross it. Um. There
are some of my all friends who are in my
stream and like people have tried to push the boundaries
on them and I'm like, nope, now you have to
deal with me. So like I'm trying to be like
I'm trying to ease up a little bit to realize
maybe like not everyone around me is like uh, not

(06:35):
necessarily a threat, but like it's okay to ease up
a little bit, but like still hope my boundaries are
just like hey, like I just know what, like we're
not going to be like probably bestie, because like I
I take the title of like you being my friend
very seriously. Um, especially because like with the Internet, I
don't know, there's still I grew up in the nineties,

(06:56):
so like the internet is still though we didn't like
when we were growing up on the Internet, we were like,
you know, don't tell anyone any information about you get
too close to anybody because you never know what their
motives are and you don't know who they are. And
it's so weird, not because it's not like that and
people whore young people on the their youths on the internet,

(07:17):
you like just happily telling everybody every last detail about
I'm like but but but at the same time, it's
like we do the same thing with Like, if you
ever get in an uber, you're just getting in the car.
That's how our culture is, you know, So how do
you know? It's like, how do you know which Internet

(07:38):
people are the bad ones that you can't trust and
which ones are the good ones? You know, we can't
just anymore be like don't talk to strangers on the internet.
That rule doesn't work anymore because there's so many exceptions now,
especially as content creators, it's our job to be intimate
with our following and let them feel like they're our
best friend. And then the lines are blurred and it
gets messy and it's very stressful. That's been the stressful

(08:01):
part for me. It's just like over socializing and you
should have those like boundaris and it's you know, it's
it's tough when you have maybe some people who are
friends and then some people are viewers both in your
chat at the same time, and the friends are talking
to you one way because they're friends, but the rest
of yours don't really have that nuance that don't really
have that backstory of the fact that you maybe go
way back with this friend, and then they kind of

(08:22):
pick up and they start kind of treating you that way,
and then it turns into like chat roasting you, and
it's like, wait a minute, why is it funny to
insult me? When did this become? How's the struggle is
like I'll have real life friends or my co workers
from like the part time job I had, or people
who have known me for fifteen years, or my sister
come in, and then all of a sudden, Chat is

(08:44):
no longer this this anonymous force from the internet. It's
my little sister, you know what I mean. So then
it's like I feel like I need to change how
I'm not really need to, but I naturally change how
I'm talking since it's you know, uh, and it it's
just so blurry and messy, and it's knew none of
us have done this before, and we're all watching each
other do it, and everyone starts to try to emulate

(09:06):
what other people are doing, which pushes us even further
out of our boundaries. It's so is weird, very weird,
and it's very new and it's still growing. Um because
I know, like when we um when we had Pleasantly
Twisted On, we were talking about boundaries. We were talking
about like how to set those things. But especially like

(09:28):
I know for me, like the people who come into
like my stream, they're like people are just like, oh
my god, is like is that your boyfriend? And I'm
like no, they stopped parsing into my personal life. Like
it's very it's very weird, um. And it's like that
that's not if I have something to say publicly, I
will say it, but I don't, so don't push the matter.

(09:48):
But then then then that sounds like me and then
like I don't care. It's not that I don't care,
it's just like you don't have access to that part
of my personal life, so stay out of it. Yeah.
Then it's like, oh, then we're not friends, and it's
like I have to lead like you know, screw you,
and I'm like all right, Well, it's really because I
also feel like, at least it with all four of us.
I feel like a lot of us started with content

(10:09):
creation a few years ago, so when we started, I
don't know about all of you, but I definitely found
it really really hard to set boundaries when I first started,
because it was very new and there weren't that many
people for me to look at and be like, Okay,
I'm going to use this person as an example. So
when I started streaming, I did not set boundaries. I
didn't really stream as myself in in the way that

(10:31):
I do not and the way that I would have
wanted to, because I was too afraid of not being
appealing to people. So I kind of like muted myself
a lot, if you know what I mean. Um, I
even hid my accent because my accent is something that
I've like always, I've always really thank you. I've always
been really self conscious because when I worked in the
games industry, I had a bunch of people who made

(10:53):
fun of me for my accent. And I think they
were trying to do it in like a humorous way,
but it was one of those kind of um being
way way too familiar with me when they didn't really
know me, So they made fun of before it. And
then I started like kind of softening my accent a
little bit, and I kept doing it and kept doing it,
and now I've stopped doing that and I just let
my accent kind of come in. But when I first

(11:14):
started streaming, I had a really hard time setting boundaries.
I had a really really hard time even reinforcing my
own rules that I put in place because I don't
like conflict and I found it really really hard to
to reinforce that. And no, I think that makes it
harder on us because we're trying to retroactively fix problems
that we created in the past by noting that something

(11:35):
I really struggle with. I think. I think as an
r A, I group as an r are a resident advisor.
So I was in glorified babysitter for residents, and then
I became a resident director, so then I babysitt the
r A s then Baby Saturday residents. But setting boundaries
I always did. I didn't have an issue with that.
I know, just sometimes I have the ability to set them,

(11:57):
like very harshly. UM. So it's like, I think the
way that I communicate with my boundaries has gotten better,
um because, like you know, it's just I think it
was just like you know, like no, don't do that,
like f off. Yeah, Like not that I owe anybody
in explanation to like if my boundaries a boundary that's
not negotiable, but like also the delivery of said boundary

(12:17):
can be done in a way where it's understandable for
both parties and it's still a no because you're still
not crossing. I don't care how how I explain it.
I know I could. I can sometimes when like because
I hit conflict, I sometimes get really not aggressive, but
like I've become very very defensive. So if someone crosses
a boundary, I just like if it's if it's a
bad day for me, I will just blow up. And

(12:39):
I don't mean to, but it happens, and like I
know that my mood and whatever I'm going through obviously
affects that. Today I had some a couple of people
who are very nice people, and I don't have a
problem with them at all, But I had a bunch
of people start back seating me while I was playing
a game, and that's a very firm for me, and
normally I would have blown up at them because I

(12:59):
genuine me, I get really annoyed really quickly, and I
have a really short fuse. But today because like my
mood is in a better place and I'm in a
better place mentally, I kind of tried to make a
joke out of it, but was still very firm. So
like I delivered the reinforcing of my boindary very very firmly,
but I still made it like alright, everybody, we're not
going to tell me what to do, not in my house,

(13:19):
and then move on. And it worked a lot better
because I feel like they understood and then didn't feel
like I was calling them out, and then didn't feel defensive.
I wasn't defensive, and I ended my stream feeling happy
instead of after my stream going oh I'm really much
somebody backseating me and made me angry today, do you
know what I mean? It felt a lot better. It's
hard though, I'm a very sensitive and very likely to emotional,

(13:40):
so yeah, I used to like I it was hard
for me not to blow up with people who would
wouldn't no backseater or test my boundaries. Yeah, and I know,
like for me like my delivery, So this is so
like communication has come up like a lot this past
week for me. Like, so somebody said, you know, because
of like my Twitter, but also because the way I

(14:01):
present myself, like, um, during the presentations, or because I
just was at Paxias and I held a panel there.
Um that sometimes the way that I come across like
I will say things and I'll say it with a
period at the end of the sentence, and that's it.
Like it's just like because if I have an opinion
on something, it's ten times out of ten informed, And

(14:22):
it's just like, you know that can be very intimidated.
But I'm like, am I intimidating or are you intimidated?
That is? It's like, why are you putting that label
on the black girl? Because you have no problem communicating
with this person who pretty much says the same exact
things as me. So what's the issue. So what's the
real issue here? You really need to ask yourself that

(14:43):
because I'm just like that that that's a very nasty
crossroads and it's just like, I really need you to
reflect on that and then report back to me. I
probably won't see your DM for a good month, but yeah,
get back to them. I got somebody actually say that, Um,
they got trouble for something that I think they had
said in someone else's stream or something like, well maybe

(15:08):
it was in someone else's I don't remember who he is,
and I don't think they even mentioned to you, but
they said, oh, I got in trouble because blah blah blah.
And I was like, Okay, I need you to unpack
this because did you get in trouble or did you
get corrected? Because there's two very different things like did
you get yelled at or did you just get told
that's not right? And you need to not do that.
There are two very different ways of looking at it,
and I think you're looking at it the wrong way
and you really need to ask yourself why, because that's

(15:31):
on you self reflection and empathy. Didn't like that hard
skill that allow of people like to avoid. Oh yeah, definitely. Yeah.
This is the first episode of the Boss Level podcast
that we've done collectively as a team since we launched
it back in what February March um earlier in two
So uh, it's it's exciting. We've gone through I think

(15:53):
we've had what we're on nine or ten episodes. We've
had um, you know, a good nine or ten guests
or so on, and had a buch of great conversations
with people, and it's been, um, probably one of my
favorite parts of this year, to be honest, because I'm
getting to have such interesting conversations that um, I haven't
had access to in the past, and so I feel
like it's it's expanding my mind and it's putting me

(16:14):
on it. I mean, it's truly making me feel like
I'm stepping into boss level because it's making me, um
see things from a different perspective and uh, um level
me up. Whether I intended for it to or not,
I don't know, um, but I'm hey, shady lady, uh
and I'm excited to be here and have a conversation
with y'all and just see where we are now. After
you know, three or four months of doing this, I

(16:37):
realized that we probably should have introduced ourselves. We literally
just Hi, I'm Psyche. You probably have heard me on
a few episodes. I don't know, it's weird, right, I
didn't even occur to me. I was just like, let's talk,
but Hi, I'm Jess. I was also thoroughly unconcerned with

(17:00):
lack of interest and I am a lady Confetti and
yeah I did. Yeah, I'm also guilty. We're all just
so exciting. Yeah, it's like a catch up, you know,
like a little meeting. I don't know if the club
that hasn't met for several months and none of us
read the book, but yeah, me always you have the

(17:22):
high Council, High Council, can we please at it? I'm
not sure i'd agree, but but yeah, I I don't know.
I feel I feel like this is a really good
opportunity for us to kind of like review not just
the podcast so far, but like also where we're all
at and high things have felt for the last couple

(17:44):
of months, not just in like personal things, but like
in content creation. We've already kind of dug into that
little bit, which has been great because it's just really
nice to feel like you're not alone, get it. Yeah.
One thing I will say that I've been, you know,
since since knowing that we were going to do this
episode with the four of us hosts, that I've been
really excited to kind of share with you guys is like, so,

(18:05):
when um Psyche, was that you that did uh? We
interviewed Dr k Ross. She I'm so sorry. Yeah, there
have been so many wonderful episodes anyway, do you remember
when Kay said you don't have to play someone else's
game like that. I was not expecting her to drop

(18:28):
such a like truth bomb, and that was like right
when I was kind of in the middle of like,
all right, like I'm not creating content anymore? Am I
okay with this? Is this my path? And she said that,
I'm like, whoa, Like I see all these other people
doing this amazing content and that's okay. There are different
people than I am, Like I don't have to play
their game and they don't have to play my game,
you know. So I've learned and I've leveled up so

(18:49):
much just from interviewing these awesome guests, and that's got
such a profound impact on me. Yeah, it's been a
lot of cool insight. That is just kind of a
shift in perspective. I'm getting a lot of really good
shifts in perspective, um, because it's not just I spent
a lot of time talking to other streamers and so
a lot of these they may stream, but it's not

(19:09):
usually their main their main gig, so they've got a
totally different set of experiences UM and perspective. But it's
still circling around the entertainment industry. So it's like, oh, um,
and I've recently had like um business coaching for the
first time ever, Like I've been receiving coaching myself, and
there's a my brain stopped on those Should we go

(19:36):
to a quick break while you collect your maybe this
is a good time to take a to take a break,
do you know? Well, I'm sorry, Shady. I think I
mentioned this the last time we've recorded, that my brand
keeps just doing this thing where it goes. I'm just

(19:59):
like I I was midway through a sentence on stream
Arder and I just sort of went, yeah, I have
brain all the time. What was I talking about like
five seconds ago? Oh my god, has been like spinning
out of control. I really did get on vacation because
I am like wild out here, and I'm like, oh
my god, okay, let's get it together. I'm surprised he's

(20:21):
acting nice. I think I left my cap with access
to my room. I do not think that's a good idea.
I have a very tiny one with me right now.
I have a large didn't even see him. He's so small,
and he's also blends into my background. He's a little
gray kitten and he's not just rolled over because I've
decided to touch his belly. So that's good. Anyway, do

(20:46):
we did we are we going to coind that is
pulling ourselves back in? Or do we want to actually
officially pull I'm talking about our cats. Do not give
Zuko any more attention that he does not need please
to is being quiet, Let's keep it that way. Well,
I don't have a cat, so I'm not allowed to

(21:07):
come back. You have to get to I will send
you him. Yeah, my dogs of the park. No, no,
I don't know cat. I have a very big cat
who would probably eat your dogs. So my dogs are
like the biggest one is twelve pounds, so babies, well yeah,

(21:29):
dogs to get over a hundred pounds, I had no idea,
but I live for Great Dean's right, they're there and
like St. Bernard's and like like Belgian to urines, like
some breeze of shepherds and stuff. Yeah, it depends. Get
a job with a dog, yes, application that's a lot

(21:54):
of food. Yeah, sorry, Dan, have jobs like they were
like like dogs and movies. You know you never forgot
t s a dogs like true? Um, but yeah, I
remember when I had I had gotten I've been getting

(22:15):
coaching business coaching lately to kind of which was surprising
to me. But it was also maybe there's a bit
of imposter syndrome that came in with that of like
I don't need, I don't deserve to have cod like
business coaching. I'm not really I'm not a real business
or whatever. But I started um chatting with this person
who like within the first or second meeting, they were
immediately asking me like, why are you not doing marketing?

(22:36):
Why have you not got into like a marketing job?
Because I so much of what I teach with like
the twitch tutorial stuff is like social media marketing, how
to market yourself, how to get your name out there,
how to get people into your content, and um, it
literally shocked me, like when the question because I've never
I never even considered not once, like did that ever
cross my mind? Um? And and I told my friend

(22:58):
the other day, I was like, I feel like it's
just like planted a seed like the past. Maybe it's
just like look at me, look at me attention that
I love. So I mean I do. I was like
doing theater since I was like six seven years old. Um,
even if it was just like stuffed animals, putting on
plays kind of thing. But um, so there's something about
being on quote stage for streaming and being the personality

(23:19):
and being the you know that it is very addicting.
Um And I I don't know, maybe it's hard for
me to walk away from that or or but it's
so many of our guests are like voice actors, but
then they stream as a hobby and it's just fun
for them and there's not the pressure of getting that paycheck,
you know what I mean, or or maintaining the subcount
or whatever it is like and um, it just kind

(23:42):
of planted a scene and that was maybe three months
ago and it's just all been kind of like and
then having all of these conversations with these wonderful people
are just like, you know, maybe there are other options,
Maybe there are other other ways to still be part
of this industry without just being a streamer. Yeah. I
think like Pomo is also with this, because like, you know,
when you are so that's like the fear of missing

(24:04):
out um for um the non acronym um, because like
that that's the real thing, and it really it really
does hurt, like you know, for a while, I know,
like when I was moving and then like I had
other things like going on. I had taken up a
part time gig, so I was streaming a little bit
less just so I can get the funds too, you know,
move Like there were a lot of things are happening
where like the phono DIEP kicking. I was like, oh

(24:25):
my god, like this this sucks. Or I had to
have like my manager to have conversations with brands and
be like, yeah, she's not available for any of that stuff.
And I'm like, but I could be if I just like,
but I had to get the money to get a
down payment, to get you know, a couple of months rent,
you know, underneath underneath me and stuff like that, and

(24:46):
um that's that's really that's really real. And it does
it does stink, yeah, And I'm finding that like because
this is terrible. But um someone I used to work
with approached me. I think I mentioned this on another episode.
Someone um a p coached me about a probably part
time job within the games industry again. And I get

(25:07):
really big games industry fomo, because I worked in the
games industry for eight years and every time a really
cool opportunity comes up, I'm like, I want that how
can I do that? And also stream And I remember
what it was like from streaming while I was working
full time. It was awful. I was exhausted all the time.
I don't know how people do it, honestly, um, but

(25:27):
the pomo is there from both sides. I know that
if I took the job, I would have fomo for
content creation. And if I don't take the job, which
I haven't. Um, I'm sitting there going, oh, I really
like that would be really cool, and I feel like
I want to do that, and it sounds like a
lot of fun and it would make me more money
and it'd be really great. And it's just really frustrating
because I already have a terrible work life balance. I
really can't afford to be taking It's terrible. I would

(25:51):
ask how to fix it, but I know none of
us know. Unfortunately, I actually do. I I mean, I
gave up content creation and got a full on job
and now I blog off of you know, five pm,
and I'm done working and then hart to brag, but
like that you go skating here at the skate park. Yeah,
and then that end, I go skating right like yeah, exactly,

(26:12):
And I have a weekend. I have a weekend. Like
I had something that I like kind of had to
do over the weekend, but like not really that I
could have put off until today. So I was like
and I was like, you know what, no, and put
it off until Monday. Because I have a weekend. I
get a weekend. This is choice I made, Like, yeah,
I gave up all this other stuff. And sometimes I
have that phomo that you guys are talking about, but
like realistically, at the same time, it's it's it's a

(26:34):
trade off. Everything in life is kind of a what's
a compromise, I guess, And that's that's a compromise I made.
Is you know what, I have that work life balance
and I've never had it before, like in my life,
and I finally have it and I'm enjoying it. Thank
you copy, which is, you know, I'm like, what is
the work life To be fair, I never really had
one either, Like when I worked in the games industry,

(26:55):
I didn't have one because I don't know, maybe you'll
can relate to this, but I frequently would take a
job that I was like super super passionate about, but
that meant that then I really struggled to leave it
at the office, like I would leave and even if
I couldn't do the work, like when I was a
project manager, I couldn't really do anything at home because
the team wasn't working, So what was I going to do?
So I would go home and I would just think

(27:16):
about it, and I would plan, and I would come
up with what I was going to do the next day,
and then I would obsess over it and it became
really unhealthy. So I actually got called in the last
couple of months by both my partner and people in
my community for being a workaholic. And I was like,
you can't be a workaholic when you're you absolutely can
be a worcoholic when you're a streamer. But for some reason,

(27:36):
my brain was like, no, that's not a thing. I'm
not really working. Oh wow, it's ten o'clock at night
and I'm editing a video like you know what I mean?
Everything we comes work as a streamer, like I wait,
I wake up and the first thing I do is
put my cell phone in my hand and start catching
up on notifications and everything for the rest of the day.
And this is I've heard a lot of like YouTubers

(27:56):
and stuff talk about this, But every time something happens
or I get a package in the mail, or I
get a really nice meal, my knee jerk mental reaction
is should I take a picture? Should I've record about this?
Should I? You know? Can I vlog about this? Can I?
And I hate that, I truly do like I because
it's it feels really toxic that that's like my first
reaction to a lot of things. Um, I'm never in

(28:19):
the moment because I'm always thinking about how I can
use that moment in the future for content, like and
it's it sucks like it's and then there Yeah, work
life balanced with streamers and this goes in with boundaries
and stuff too. But like what gets shared because we
watch these family vloggers. Am I supposed to be logging
about the meal that I make with my partner? Am
I supposed to be? Like? Am I when I'm streaming?

(28:42):
Do I talk about? You know, I'm such a word
vomit person Gemini stellium for astrology fans. But I like,
if something happens in real life and I get on stream,
I can't just pretend whatever it was didn't happen, or like,
like I'm dealing with with a lot of very difficult

(29:02):
energy right now, because I've been putting a lot of
boundaries in place, and I'm dealing with some kind of
interactions with community members that are not happy with exactly
how I've been going about it. And when I go
to get on stream, that's the first thing on my mind.
And I don't want to word vomit that out because
then it I feel like I'm creating a toxic space.
But I'm also like, no, I want to express myself.

(29:24):
I want to be honest. I don't want to feel
like I have to edit myself and be a it's
such a It's like and this is where I think
I am right now. Mentally, I've been really fantasizing about
the idea of like, first of all gone growing myself,
just dipping and disappearing. But no, I have to yeah, okay, no,
we will talk because I literally, I know exactly me
and I used to have fantasies of like literally just disappear.

(29:47):
That's what I would think about it, call myself down
and go to sleep. It's like what if I just
disappeared from yeah, yeah, just completely just completely gone. And
then um, the second one is like like phase out, Hey,
shady lady and whatever she is and become a vituber
and disconnect from my face, myself, my person me is

(30:09):
an is an individual human and my backstory, my traumas
that I've shared, my you know, all of this kind
of stuff and shift into being. So it's like, am
I a real human that people connect with because I'm
a real human? Or am I a character? Do you
know what I mean? That's been the real struggle of
being a content creator, human or character. Dear. Dear's talked

(30:31):
about that, like on one episodes because like Dear, like
you know, she's in drag and you know, ten times
at a ten unless she's like going like you know,
going into drag like in the beginning of her streams,
Like you don't really see Dear outside of that, because
you know, when Dear is on stage or in a
um a situation where you see her like visually, like
Dear is the performance. You know, Dear is like of course,

(30:53):
like you know, she's a whole human being, but like
as soon as she you know, d drags and becomes
you know, and it goes off stage, that's completely separate.
And you know that's something that I took into heart
that's actually like she has no idea, Like she really
helped me, like with my rebrand because when we did
the episode, I was actually in talks about that and
now it's about to come to fruition because it's like

(31:13):
sometimes it is very difficult um and then like you know,
sometimes like you know, having those boundaries like I r L.
Like my couple of friends who do see me stream now,
they call me. They don't even call by my name,
they call me by my stage name, and I'm like,
I've known you elementary school. Please don't do don't do that,
You're going to stress me out. But like having the

(31:35):
on stage and noting not to say that it's fake,
but it's just I see it as like a more
rebbed up version of me because I'm very much introverted,
so like you see the extroverted part of me and
then the kid goes off and I'm just like it's performance.
So like I think every streamer can kind of relate
to that, but like Chety, I feel like that would

(31:55):
be I could totally see you as an amazing vituber
Like I just I just see that like it would
take some yes, because then you wouldn't have you know,
any kind of you would leave all of your personal
stuff in your personal life, and then that would just
be It's it's a job, is what it is, because
like currently, you know, with the three of you, where
streaming is, you know, your job or a large part

(32:18):
of your job. There's kind of going back to the
boundaries thing. If you have a maybe a long time
subscriber who has been like maybe donating a lot of
money or has been a subscriber for a while, it's
not that like, oh, they're paying me, so I have
to do what they say or whatever, but there is
a little more pressure of like when now they're kind
of financially invested in it, so they'll get extra like

(32:38):
offended if you ban them or whatever. Not that that's
necessarily your problem, but it's just an additional kind of
complication to like take into account. And then it's like
if you're a YouTuber for instance, you kind of don't
really have to like it's just I don't know, it's
just it's that that it's a protective layer. Yeah, that's
what And it would help me personally, like what I've
been pondering and considering this, it would help me personally

(33:00):
understand the difference between what is appropriate to share on
stream and what is not appropriate. I'm someone who struggles
really really badly with boundaries and and understand Like I'm
always the person that's like, I get a new job
in three months in I'm Bestie's with someone there, and
I'm telling them all of my like light like unpacking
all of my life. I dive in so hard and

(33:23):
Scorpio so like that is horrifying to me. The I'm
an aquarious Oh justice your son, Okay, Oh my god,
it's so fun. Wow in my background that my best
Sie got me for one of my birth maybe my
last birthday last year. So yeah, it's it's kind of
hard to tell. I think that that's the Leo the

(33:45):
lion thing or I don't know. So the only type
of energy we're missing is fire. We got two air
signs of water sign and a um late Leo's aren't firing.
Oh yeah, fire. We're missing one though, because there's two
air signs here. So what was yours? Again? Confettiate my
brain Scorpio water of earth, air, water fire, earth, we're
not grounded. I see. That explains so much. That explains

(34:13):
the start of this conversation. Oh I love it. I
love the energy of this conversation so much. I do
feel so I truly feel like we were talking about
like growing up on the Internet and how you couldn't
tell people anything and you couldn't like you have to
be very careful and whatever. My problem is that I

(34:36):
I have been a type of like I'm the type
of person who I always speak before I think, so,
like I always joke that my mouth moves way too
fast for my brand to keep up sometimes, so I
will start sharing something and then my brands like no, no, no, no, no,
it's too late. I'm not a good like negotiator. I'm
not going to I'm not. I can't. I just I

(34:58):
just keep talking. I'll just tell you everything. I'm very
impulsive as well, which it's like, you know, see, I'm
very if I have like sometimes like I don't have
access to like my friends and stuff, especially when I
get low, Like I don't necessarily like want to put
my problems on other people, but like sometimes it's just
nice to like sit and be with somebody who's not
your own company and your own voice in your head.
And but the thing is, if I don't have like

(35:20):
that as an as a resource or like not my
therapist or something like. Um. Sometimes like I will rely
on my community, but not in detail. I'm just like, hey,
I just need like I just need support right now.
I'm not comfortable with saying what it is, but like
I just need to know I'm not so alone in
the world. And it's like okay, and then they just

(35:41):
start joking about something and talking about drag Race, and
I'm like, I don't watch drag Race, so I'm just
getting the play by play. I'm like, oh, oh, that's
oh well, They okay, we'll tell me like like I
guess that's that's a scorpio, and me, I'm just like,
not too much detail, but like I'm I'm getting better
with vulnerability to know when I say, like i'm I'm
a bit overwhelmed. Um, So that's definitely's fair. I actually

(36:05):
really I'd like to rein it in a bit more
like that because I've started doing that recently and I've
noticed like I'm having some health issues at the moment
that they're not like super super serious or anything, but
they're um things that are like you know, they're weighing
on me. And I have been quite open in the
past about stuff. But then I brought it up on
stream one day and people can't really really like, you know, okay,
so what's happening, like what do you do? And I'm like,
I don't want to talk about it in that kind

(36:26):
of detail. I was just letting you know where I'm
at because I know it's going to affect my schedule
for example. Um, And I realized that they're probably asking
because in the past I've been very so here's like everything,
here's my brain I'm just going to dump it on
the table exactly. So I'm trying to kind of rein
it in. But again, it's the same thing with the
like didn't set the boundaries in the first place, and

(36:47):
I'm kind of trying to retroactively fix it and sort
it out. And it's it's complicated, but exactly where I'm
struggling because it's like I behaved one way or I
created a community and way, and they have a certain
expectation of me and how I interact and then I've
like come, it's like I've I've changed, That's really what

(37:08):
it is. I have changed, and the way that I
want to interact with people has changed. And maybe I'm
being a little destructive. I don't feel like it's really destructive, though,
I'm just like firmly saying like I'm not here to
be your friend. I'm not your friend, I'm not like,
that's not how this works. And these boundaries are way
too blurred and then it and maybe I'm just really sensitive,

(37:29):
but like I don't like to be perceived as aggressive
or seen as like an aggressive person. I don't want
to be called a how people respond to you, that
is not the energy that you need to take on
and invite into yourself. And this is somebody who has
like who's very good infirmed with setting boundaries. You can't
live your life and like their life walking on eggshells.

(37:52):
It is not on you to absorb the energy of
other people. If they think you're a bit so what
you're the world keep spinning on and the thing is, okay,
you're a You're going to be the baddest bitch. Like
the thing is, it's like and I know that sounds
very easily said than done, And the thing is, practice it,
practice it, fake it till you make it. Like because

(38:12):
I don't know how else to like readary, but like
you just can't. You can't absorb that energy and let
that because the thing is it's gonna you control the
weather in your universe. So I like that. I also
I have a little gem of wisdom. This came from
I can't remember some TV show, but the word bitch
is actually an acronym that stands for being in total
control of herself. Yes, I like that too, And that's

(38:38):
that's that is what it feels like is it's like
that stigma comes with UM just being firm and assertive
and like you said earlier, Confetti, how you just you're
informed on what you say and your sentences in with
a period like and I a lot of times my
sentences in with a lilt upward of my voice says
that the right final end question Mark Ellipses. I have

(39:02):
called the dot dot trying my best, but my brands
are always with me on it. And that's fine. I mean,
it's humans are complicated. Communications they're complicated, like relationships are complimated,
whether they're para social or not. UM very true. If

(39:23):
the if an adjustment in your community is what you need,
that is completely fine. I mean I personally had to
ban somebody who had been in my stream since the
second day that I went streaming and I just recently
had to ban them um for telling me some very
horrible things because I had to go out and work. Um.
And the thing is, just like it is not on

(39:46):
me to take on the anger and how you feel.
But like, just because you're in pain, you don't get
to displace that one and that door is closed and
I have I have no problem with that. And the
thing is, I took the time with my community and said, hey,
like is a very portant stream to be at. If
you can't do it, you know, this is the time
stands of what it is because we're going to have
a community chat and we're going to talk about what happened.

(40:09):
You know, I didn't name this person in name, but
I did give reference to things that are happening and said,
this is unacceptable. I don't care what day it is.
I don't care, like what my mood, I don't I
don't care. It's unacceptable behavior from person to person, regardless
of Like, if you're an in innet, you don't tell
somebody to go do something permanently to their life, Like

(40:29):
you don't do that. So you know, if that is
what it takes, take like a town hall or whatever,
something that you have to do with your community to
say like, hey, I'm going through an adjustment right here.
You know, these are things have been in the past,
like just how you said, you know, there are a
lot of things where I would overshare. I feel like
the lines are blurred. So this is what we're going
to do moving forward that would help me be a

(40:50):
better content creator, that will help me be in a
better mental place, mental space. You don't have to mention
a thing about the V two or if you wanted
to be a surprise or whatever. But you know, they
say there will be some adjustments and shifts to stream,
and I hope that you can stay along with with
me with this journey. Yeah, yeah, I like that. I
like that, And it's it's it has been a I
mean a huge adjustment period for me, and a lot

(41:12):
of these shifts have been happening since back around like
October December or so, when I started noticing like I'm
really getting fed up with certain behaviors. And then it's
like I tiptoed around the first couple of months, and
it's getting more and more firm and more and more
frustrated because it's boundaries are so complicated and difficult, and
for like people who are not used to setting them,

(41:33):
they can feel like, um, I don't know, like the
the end of the world, or like you're uh, like
I used the phrase self sabotaging or like destroying what
I have like and and in some cases it is
destroying some interactions or quote unquote relationships, but it's also
like these can't continue existing because this is why I

(41:53):
keep spinning out and burning out. And I'll be able
to stream for two months and then I get overwhelmed.
Or it's not even overwhelmed as really the right sentiment, though,
it's like completely sucked dry, like I have nothing left
to give because I give so much and I don't
you know, I'm getting better at saying no, but it
was an issue with not knowing how to say no,

(42:13):
and you know, continuing to to give and give and give,
and especially as someone I streamed tarot and so that's
just like, let's sit down and talk about your problems,
your emotional problems, and I'll bond with you over you know,
I'll read your tarot cards. But I'm really like talking
to you about a break up you're going through, or
I'm talking to you about a new job. So it's
it's this deep intimate connection with individuals and then they

(42:37):
that continues from stream to stream to stream, and I
don't know there's I mean, maybe there's just a lesson.
I don't know what the lesson is. That's the problem
is I look back at all of it, and I'm like,
do I stop streaming Tarot? Do I what? What is?
What is the solution here? And in the confusion of
not knowing how to fix the problem, it's I have
no consistency. I either like flake out streaming for months

(43:00):
or whatever, tweeks two months, or I'm like, we're not
streaming Taro ever again, And in fact I'm an animal
crossing streamer now and then I'll try that for three
weeks and then it's like a lack of identity. It's
another thing. I'm struggling with this, like an identity crisis
for the fifth time in my life. But when we
talked to like here, because she was talking about like,
you know, I think, UM currying me if I'm wrong,
jes Like she was talking about like how it doesn't

(43:23):
necessarily like have one identity because you know her as
a cost player, you know her as a singer, you
know her as the performer, the voice, actress, the like
all of these things. And often times she was saying that,
you know, she would threw things up against the wall
to just see what works, and if it works, it works,
and if it doesn't, it doesn't. And like it's okay
to rebrand, redo, try different things every single day. And

(43:47):
as somebody who like is always in her stream and
I tell you, like that's really how it is. But
the thing is, you know that she's having fun. You
know that she's being sent true to herself and you
know we're just on for the ride and it's a
really fun, enjoyable thing to see um and and that
and that is okay. Sometimes having no identity is is okay.

(44:09):
You know there is planning and stuff like that that
I think that goes in with that, Like even like
with variety, UM get talked about that at Paxis, you know,
talking about variety. There is still planning that goes into
that even if you're going to do one thing to
the next. But like rather it being that than like
you know, just being like just a complete toss up
like every single day. So they have like some type

(44:30):
of roadmap um to like your schedule, you know, your life.
For some life sounds very life structure, slight structure. That's okay.
And the thing is that's that's okay. And the thing
is if the structure doesn't work that day, okay, then
try something else that day and if it works, it works.
But as long as like you're good, that's fine. You know.
I and also like and pleasantly twisted. And I'm going

(44:52):
back to all these like different ones. But like you know,
she was talking about how like on her Twitter she'll
talk about politics, she'll talk about all those things on
her Twitter. When she streams, that is not the place
for that, and that is the boundary that she has.
Now there will be things that come up because she
plays souls games and people like to try her good luck,

(45:13):
but like you know, she has very um, you know,
boundaries for what she does. Anything is she has to
reiterate them all the time. And like I'm she's one
of my very good friends. She probably repeats herself like
probably thirty times a day. But that's the thing, right,
you have you have to kind of figure out what
works for you specifically, and that's something I bottled with

(45:34):
a lot. I used to be one of those people
who would be like, oh, we don't talk about politics
on stream or anything, and I think that's valid. I
think it's valid to not have the conversations, especially if
you don't have the range to have the conversations. For example,
I cannot talk on American politics at all. I like,
I'm not that, Yeah, why not. I went on a

(45:58):
massive runs about northern i Are politics recently because we
just had our elections. So I ended up talking about
this and there's like two people in my chat here
from Northern Ireland and who got it. And we were
all sitting there going like yeah, and everyone else is
like what is going on At the same time, I
think it's possible to not have specifically political conversations, for example,
but to have very clear boundaries about what things are

(46:20):
acceptable and what things are not acceptable in your chat,
and to be very very clear about what you won't
stand for. And you can have both of those things.
And a lot of the time we see streams, for example,
that don't like, oh, we don't do politics, just not
making a stand against anything anything that I have a
big problem with absolutely, and I hate seeing that. Like
when you go into a stream and my least favorite

(46:43):
is when I go to raid a stream and I
pick one from like a category that I'm streaming in
or whatever, and they don't have any rules. Recently took
the rules out of my about section because I was
I don't know. I was like, when you have to
click the type in the chat in the first place,
like no, but if you have them in your chat up,
And yeah, they didn't have any rules there either had not.

(47:06):
I was like, I think the reason for me was like,
I think the reason that I took them out is
because I've been dealing with a lot of people who
are like challenging or pushing back of like like like,
for example, I had like a three strikes you're out,
not for like like obvious like hate speech and stuff

(47:27):
like that, but like three strikes and you're out. You know,
I'm gonna give you a warning, you know, like backseating
or something. I'll give you a warning. Second time, I'm
going to get a little more strict. Third time, you're out.
And then I banned someone outright one time because it
was like I just knew, like I didn't need three
stripes with you, I just know, And then I started
getting pushed. It was a whole debate in my d
M s of like uh and that that's of course

(47:48):
I could have just blocks like whatever, but like it
that that right there. I was like, you know what,
I'm not going to play lawyer games with you. I'm
not putting up rules that y'all can nit pick my
words in place semantics with me taking the rules down
and I'm doing whatever the hell I want whenever I want.
And that's just that's how it works now. I don't
need a reason to band somebody. That's the reason by embrace.

(48:12):
Don't like what you say? You want to be a
modern get out of here before my moderators are Justice
and just me. I'm like, okay, hell yeah, I can
talk about this for ages, but we should absolutely take
another break right now, so everybody I know I have

(48:33):
more to say anyway. Oh just like, did I should
get my niece? No you did not. I'm I'm excited.
Oh my god, there's that? Or did you do that?

(48:54):
They came like that and we're going to have to
wait for two seconds. I'm gonna get my just my
new one's just got delivered today. I've I've got some
bookmarks in Amazon, but I haven't gotten around the ordering.
I'm also scared of the quad skates because I feel
like I'm just gonna bust my ass like that. You
do take some getting used to, but I think like

(49:16):
the inline skate scare me. Wait there too, Oh my god,
you have Arley skates. Yeah, they look like Haley Quid.
I didn't even realize until I'm trying to get speed
skates with the big I'm sorry, Zuka, did I wake
you from your now? I'm trying to get speed skates
because I want to go fast, but I literally like

(49:37):
just got this, so I need to chill like indoors
or for outdoors indoor indoor. Okay, yeah, I was gonna
say I got these for like outdoors because like I mean,
I'm sure you know, like the the wheel is like
the smaller and harder the wheel is, the better it
is for like indoor in jail. And then like the
larger and like softer, gummier, so like wheels have like
skate wheels have like a hardness and a diameter, and

(49:57):
so yeah, there's those are greats. Look cute. Also, I
show you these that I'm too scared to use. Yeah,
I really, yeah, I kind of really nice, but they
go very, very very fast because I got giant wheels,

(50:19):
so I'm terrified. I kind of like that. I used
to like when I was a kid. I was always
like skate nights at the skating rink and it was rollerblades,
and I was like, maybe instead of like trying to
teach myself the quads, I could just go like I
I could probably pick blades back up like in a second.
So maybe, but it's just the quads are so much cuter. Yeah.

(50:42):
With quads, for me, the challenge was not like falling back. Yes,
you don't really have to worry about what like roller blades.
I feel like that would be like harder should do.
It is more like an ice skate and a lot
of times they have the break on the back of
the yeah, oh yeah, yeah, I see. It's an interesting
like from like sport like things sport to sport because
like with skateboarding, it just like good luck, just fall,

(51:05):
but like snowboarding, you follow in your butt. I think
skiing is the same thing, and then like with these
it's just like okay, like get as low as you
can and then don't die. But I've been I've been
quad skating since I was like six, so I'm very
comfortable on those. I'ven't have been doing it for like
a year. You're really good, though, so I I try.

(51:28):
I'm not very good, but I try. I have I
have fun with it. I follow like some professional like
quad skaters, and I'm just like, you do this all
day every day, like you don't do anything else but this. Yeah,
I follow like so many people on Instagram that I'm like,
just I just follow them for inspiration. I'm like, I
don't know if I'll ever be able to do this.

(51:48):
They're doing tricks they're like at the skate park, like
dropping into bowls and stuff, and I'm like, I don't
think I can never do that. Almost drop into a
bowl with my quads. I was like, I almost have it,
Like I am so close because I already like the
balance and everything. Now it's just like it like the beard.
It's the beard thing, and I'm like, that's was messing
me up. Yeah, randomly just started talking about Yeah, so

(52:15):
we were talking about rules, right, rules of skating are
have fun and you will follow, but you get popular.
It's so much simpler than streaming. Why didn't I just
decide that I was going to go a skater and said, yeah,
let's all become skaters sink. Well, what's interesting is that

(52:35):
that can still just be Oh, I'm a content creator
that post skating content, right, and that's I think, like
another struggle is that's how I got to go to
volcom t which cool cool. I think it's it's maybe
this is also just like and everybody problem right now,
but you have a hobby, time to capitalize on it. Yeah,

(53:00):
And I felt that exact same way when I like,
because like I feel I not anymore, but especially like
a few months ago, I felt like I like should
post like a lot of like Ruller skating videos and
I'm like, no, I'm just gonna if I feel like it. Maybe,
but I don't feel like I have to anymore. Skateboard
my hello, kiddie board, do you have? How many skateboards

(53:23):
do you have? What? Why are you judging me? Two? Three, four, seven?
Oh no, sixteen? Double my gosh, eight to sixteen? Like

(53:47):
because I have all the Hypelin skateboards too, but I
don't use them. They're just they're just decks. Fair enough. Yeah,
I would never skate on them because if I ever
ruined the thing and they've been sold out for months.
I could never replace them. That's fair up. So with skateboards,
are there different like is it is it? Just? Are
there different? Um? So you can aba roller skates. There's

(54:07):
like indoor versus outdoor versus, like if you're going to
the skate park or if you're doing like dance skate
or whatever. Are skateboards that way too? Are there different types?
There's a different types of The long board is one
that I've always wanted because it seems like the wheels
are bigger and wider. So like if I just want
to cruise, like if I go to the boardwalk or something, Um,
it's better to bring a longboard because skateboards are going

(54:30):
to trip up on something. Um. But yeah, the for skateboards,
the wheels are typically smaller, but um, like for things
like this, like you can use them indoor or outdoor. Um,
if you want a bigger wheel on your skateboard, I
mean you can't do that. You just might mess up
the but you're going to grind on them a little
bit more like when you turn, which you can lead
to injury. But you know what, that's the fun of it.

(54:54):
I felt some chaos in there, guilty scorpio. Um, yeah,
I don't know, Like when it comes to I guess
we're talking about like monetizing hobbies and stuff. I've started
doing stuff that I don't necessarily like try to monetize
or try to make content around recently, like I do
my partner and I have started collecting and assembling and

(55:17):
painting Warhammer Fort K miniatures, which is really fun. But
of course I've then been like, oh, maybe you can
make videos of this. This is the time lapse. Yeah,
but you know what, it's really chill. It's something that
we we've talked about, um, you know, spending a weekend
just sitting and painting together while listening to music or whatever,
and it's been really really nice. Um, we do play
with them sometimes, like we try to satisfide the time. UM.

(55:40):
I don't know how familiar you all are with like
Warhamer Fort K or like table time. Henry Cavill doesn't.
Now we'll watch that man do honestly, Henry Cavil, Yes,
we needed problem is that we might all fight over
who gets to injury. Also, that's the that's the stipulation
of Henry Cavill agrees, we're all I will go to

(56:01):
his house. What does he mean? I will fly to
go and see. But I love the fact just for anyone.
You can't see the chat right now about our producer
just said, I'll send the email, so you know, let's
see what happens. But so we started collecting these ministures
and I have well, my partner has always been really
interested in doing like full scale Warhammer for d K,

(56:23):
but those matches take forever and they cost a ton
of money to have the army put together. But we
find that there's this thing called kill Team that is
a much smaller scale doin version of war Hammer for
d K, uses much smaller armies and usually last like
an hour or two. So every Sunday we play a
game together with unpainted models. Because we have so many
models to paint, there's just not an off time in

(56:43):
the day. But it's become really really fun and it's
like a really relaxing thing that we do that isn't
me streaming or because I do do that too much,
you know, like it's really hard stream too much and
then try to create content of everything, and it's really
hard because I I keep having ideas and that's great,
but there's not enough time today and i'd like to

(57:05):
be able to I don't know themselves, you know, I
think confetti you said earlier, it's not I'm not really different,
but it's the difference between I'm just chilling here, like
not trying, barely talking playing a video game, you know,
in a sweatshirt, chilling, and if I'm a shady lady,
I have to talk every second of them day, like
the extra like super extrovert. And UM, I think that

(57:27):
that's been like there's just been so many different areas
of my life that are like how to where, where's
the boundary? What makes sense? And it was mostly like
from excitement. And I was also really struggling at that
time with like my view count was going down and
I would get on stream and I would get paralyzed
by seeing the view count low. And that's the worst
like mindset to be stuck in as a content creator,

(57:48):
um and uh or anybody really but like a content
you know, looking at that view count, and then I
would start to get in my head. And so when
I had my partner on stream with me or a
friend or someone like co streaming collapse, I wasn't a
tessed with that and I could just lose myself in
the music, the moment you want to eat better, just
kidding myself in it for a second instead of like
we have him as a guest to question, should you

(58:14):
want to learn how to set some boundaries? There you go,
I'll send the email. We need a wish list of
people that we want to have season two of The
Boss Level where we go for real Hard Bassett and
we talked to the Queen of Will Contemplates. Oh my god,

(58:35):
hell no, you were So we were talking about like
the idea of persona thing, and it's kind of been
something that's been on my mind since we mentioned it
in this episode. Um, I when I was sick last year,
I did a few streams where I didn't have my
camera on, and I like almost always have a camera on.
But I did a few streams where I was just

(58:57):
playing a video game and I didn't have my camera on.
And I feel like I watched back, because I always
watched back my streams at least a little bit to
kind of see what the vibe was like. Did I Okay,
you know, I think that's a good thing. I think
it's healthy. But it was a completely different vibe when
I didn't have the camera on, I felt like in
a good way, Like I felt like I was really
chill and I seemed happier, And I'm like, you know,

(59:21):
maybe it's because I knew subconsciously that people couldn't see me,
so I felt the need to, like, I guess, express
myself with my voice rather than it being with my face. Um,
but it's definitely something I noticed, and I also noticed
that I don't know, I just I felt like the
vibe was really really chill, and it didn't actually affect
my viewership as much as I expected it to, because

(59:42):
I feel like a lot of people do have that
expectation that they're going to be able to see you
and interact with you, and I do think there's value
in that, but I also don't think it's necessary all
the time, so it's kind of weird. I don't know.
Maybe that comes into like the v tubing thing, where
again you kind of have to express yourself with your
voice because the model it's going to move and it's
going to react with you, but at the same time,

(01:00:02):
it's not the same as your own face, so you
have to kind of be able to express the energy
in Yeah, So I don't know, maybe that's maybe that
would be something because I know that's something that you're considering, shady,
maybe that's something that would would work for you. I know,
miss Sash Rocks um who we I hope we get
to interview her here. Um she um. She has this
like it's not like a full blown VTuber, but it's

(01:00:24):
like something that it's animated and it moves so like
on days where she just wants to like chill, concentrate
and like play Valeriant, like she uses that and so
you don't see her face or in just days where
she just wants to chill, it's like it's up there
and it's just like it like waves and like sparkles
and then like it's hard. It looks clearly like her,
but like like yeah, like if you just need to
see me, like you just look right here you go.

(01:00:46):
I like that. I have a friend Dan send the email.
Well she's in my management so um, I have a
friend and she's she does like mostly Instagram modeling, but
she'll stream a case a case really and because she
does modeling, she's got this like intense pressure on her.
Always look a certain way, makeup done, you know. And

(01:01:08):
there was one time I went into a stream and um,
from the thumbnail, it was like, oh, she's like you know,
And then I click in and she's just got an
animated gift of her from a different day, So it
looks kind of like there's a camera there, but it's
just a gift of her. And I was like, actually, like, okay,
this is still a way to keep your like expressive
and motive, like like yourself on the screen if you're

(01:01:30):
someone who's a normal cam streamer, right, Um, but you
can be off camera. And I think that the cameras
a lot of the pressure um there, because I'm always like,
oh is my lipsticks mudge of lipstick on my teeth
or something, you know, as someone who wears makeup, or
like oh did my hair get weird? Or is my
tank top falling down too much? Or any like things

(01:01:50):
like just the little subconscious things that I'm constantly adjusting
my appearance and thinking about my appearance. And um, but
I'm also like a like a one thing that holds
maybe he holds me back or like hesitates me on
is I'm a I'm a hand talker. So v twopers
don't get to do all of the they can move
their hands a little bit, but not in the ways
that like I'm very very gesture um expressive kind of talkers.

(01:02:14):
So it's I'm yeah, I'm really you can find an
artist I can likes to that that could be cool.
It's not a complete impossibility. That could be cool. I
remember one time, so you go like jumped on me
and like almost pulled my shirt down, and I was like, wow,
that's trying to get me baned, Like wow, Okay, he's
decided that it is over the streaming career is enough?

(01:02:38):
Cat um get me Like, why don't you have him
in your streams because he's not He's the print of
a fire nation. He's a little I love that. That
is a thing for sure. It's it's like I recently
did a front page stream where I wore a very

(01:02:59):
fun see dress thank you um. I was basically co
streaming the Gaming Awards A G A Y M I
n G and the Twitch asked me to be on
the front page. I was on the front page and
it was, sorry to say, but the lowest cut dress
I have ever worn, probably in life, let alone on Twitch.

(01:03:20):
And I was very paranoid that there was going to
be a wardrobe malfunction on the front page. I was like,
please hold please. I'm glad to say that it did.
But the whole time I was like very very hyper
aware of like what I was wearing and how I
was sitting, and like how I was presenting myself. And
I was like, Okay, this is probably never going to
do that again, just because I was like very very aware.

(01:03:42):
And I think that that kind of having to think
about that and having to think, you know, make sure
that I don't accidentally pull something, because my my sleeve
it had sequence on it, and I kept getting my
sleeve attached. I was like, don't like yank the arm
away and then rip the whole front to the dress
off would be very inconvenient. That would be pretty memorable. Yeah,

(01:04:04):
I mean it'd be memorable for the like ten seconds
before I got banned. Like nope, there was an everybody
it was nicely and you all have done see later.
It's a great way to bow out. Yeah, you know what,
if we're gonna go out, we're gonna go out with
a bank. Oh my god, I don't believe that I

(01:04:25):
just admitted all of that. It's fine to try to
get me canceled. Yeah, amazing. He's like chatting. He every
time I say his name, he likes looking at my correction. See,
my cats have all abandoned me already because my partner
came out of his office so he's the favorite. So

(01:04:45):
they've all just left my room to go and hang
out with him instead. So that's great at least they're quiet. No,
with the you know over sharing thing, you just said, like, um,
that's the question though, is like you were also just
like relating and being authentic about your experience with it,
and that that being you know, over over sharing makes
you relatable to people. And I also think, like with

(01:05:09):
people who were building platforms and stuff, like, in some
ways it empowers people that we talk about things that
others or that people don't normally talk about. So but
then it also exposes you to being over vulnerable and
then bad actors in your community can push too far
on that. And uh, it's that whole question. And like

(01:05:29):
with the thought of v tuber like a question I
said to my partner when I was considering it, I
was like, in an increasingly artificial world, like we're moving
into AI and all this kind of stuff, isn't it
more powerful to remain organic, like being organic, you know,
not to say that there's I'm clearly like on the
fence with V tubing, Like I'm very, very very huge
fan of v tubers, But that's kind of like the

(01:05:51):
the do I become a v tuber? You know? Do
I dive into the virtual reality and become a virtual
character or do I stay as a as an organic,
flesh and bone, imperfect human Because that's the thing about
the tubers can do both. You. I mean, you are
a human being behind the v tuber and you know
you are imperfect, So I think you might not need
to um reflect on like trying to strive for perfection

(01:06:15):
and try to be the perfect person in everybody's eyes. See,
you know, centering your existence around other people's thoughts or
feelings for you about you. You know, it's going to
be very hard to kind of distance yourself on that
and prioritize because it's like, why are you prioritizing their
feelings about you versus your feelings about you? Because you
have to wake up and go to sleep with you
every single day. And also like when it comes to um,

(01:06:39):
you know, relating to somebody or anything like that, Like
we have this thing in higher education and counseling talking
about that is the skill of reflecting feeling and reflecting meeting.
And there are two different things, but they can but
it's a skill that can be used at the same time.
But you know, even though we're talking about like it's
like you talking about you know, having being revealed on
string around on twitch not TV. You know, like even

(01:07:01):
though that might seem like you know, like in uh
an over um being like you know, over vulnerable or
anything like that, Like you know, it's still there is
still a way to do that without going too far
in the day. But the thing is, like with things
like that, like with empathy or like with self reflection
on things, that those things are a skill that have
to be worked on. So that's why, like it's not

(01:07:22):
gonna come overnight. Um, it's just the thing that has
to be constantly practice that. And the thing is, they're
going to be days that suck. They're going to be
low days. I have my low days, like I have
them a lot because my brain is just like all
over place. Yeah, but like it's but the thing is
that is completely okay because you aren't perfect, Like nobody

(01:07:44):
if if if you feel like your audience and your
community is expecting perfection from you. Like, I think that's
probably a good opportunity to have a conversation with them
and be like, I'm am a human being. Even if
you go into v tubing or do both or do
neither or whatever, it is like, you still have that
ability and you are still the captain that can drive
the relationship, that can drive and cultivate community. Regardless if

(01:08:08):
you are hey, shady lady, the the human organic form
or you know, the digital version of you, whatever, that
person or that entity, maybe you are still at the
helm of the ship that is driving the community, that
is driving those connections. So I implore you to please
center yourself. And the thing is you address just your tierra.

(01:08:30):
I know I'm wearing I will ship you one to
prioritize yourself over the feelings of other people, because the
thing is, you cannot be good for other people if
you are not good for yourself. Yeah, that's huge, I'm
like looking, Yeah, and it's it's it's you know, need

(01:08:54):
to hear and want to embody so bad because it's
it's always are so much about what people. That's a
huge like a fatal flaw or whatever like birth chart
and get into my birth chart on it too. But
like I care so much about other people, to care
about people, I think it is. I think you just
need to adjust where you prior where your priorities are.

(01:09:17):
I don't think it's a bad thing to I don't
think it's a bad thing to care about people. That's
a that's a great thing, you know. That's like you know,
I honestly it is. It's a great seale to have.
You know, empathy is a great skill to have. I
just think you just need to adjust the levels a
little bit. Yeah, it's like they're getting tilted in one set,
so tune it, pull it back a little bit. Well,

(01:09:38):
keep dropping. I feel like it's just about to say
something like I'm absorbing right now. I know, I know,
don't listen to me. I'm absolutely not not in this high.
Um that the sam conscious that we are probably running
short on time. This conversation has been absolutely amazing question

(01:10:03):
for all of you. Um, is there one thing, if
you could pick one thing that has stood out from
all of our episodes so far, from any of our guests,
what would it be? And I will happily go first
and say for me, Uh, sorry to bring pleasantly twisted
back into it again, but I really enjoyed our episode
with her UM talking specifically about boundaries. That's something we've

(01:10:24):
talked about a lot today, but a lot of what
she talked about with regards to like how to deal
with uncomfortable topics in her community versus like on Twitter,
whether she's live or not, and the fact that she
is trying to play games and have a good time
and that she deserves to exist in that space has
been something that I've taken to heart and have tried
to replicate myself because it's something again that I struggle

(01:10:46):
with all the time. So that's the thing that stands
like for me, Yeah, I can kind of echo that
with like our episode with Mia, we we kind of
got into that subject a little bit too, where it's
it's important for us to like take a stand and
and be people who UM like stand stand for what
we need to stand for and give people that safe space.

(01:11:07):
But at the same time, it's also important for us
to just be able to be seen like uh, playing
a video game and having fun and existing as that
identity UM in just a way that's relaxing and gentle
to like like both are important. UM. And that's also
like another thing of like striking a balance between it
of how do you create this UM platform where you're

(01:11:30):
empowering other people and also not constantly having to be
the voice that comments on every tiny little thing that
happens in the world and make some big, like grand statement.
You can also just play a video game and empower
people by by showing that it's okay to exist as
you are and be happy to UM. I just have
to go back to Dr k Ross once again. I

(01:11:52):
know I kind of said this earlier, so I I
gave away mine earlier. But just when you know, when
she said you don't have to play someone else's I
can't remember the specific context that she was even talking about,
but like I was just like, wow, I can apply
that to so many different aspects of my life, Like
every single thing I do, just because I see like
other people doing it in a a certain way or like

(01:12:13):
or going after a certain thing, even like they have
different goals than I do. I can just stay in
my own lane, you know, eyes on your own paper.
That's a that's a phrase that I just told me.
That's changed my perspective to just keep your eyes on
your own paper, mind your own biscuits, and everything will
be grave. I didn't come up with that, but I
saw it written on the bathroom stole once. I'm going

(01:12:35):
to put that one of my yes. Um. I think
a big thing that stuck out to me was speaking
to Kira about just one like not feeling so alone,
especially like and you know we've talked about specifically about
like cosplay, but like just sometimes being a blackgun the

(01:12:55):
industry is like really really tough. And to know that
like a lot of the thoughts that I have out
the thoughts it like I'm not alone in thinking the
way that I think, or like moving the way that
I do. Also just like not being afraid to be
weird and try something new just because it's a day
ending in why um, you know, let that be the

(01:13:15):
source of a thing that drives you. And that really
really stuck out to me and that really helped me.
But also like what Deer saying, you know, having that
on stage persona versus like you know, Okay, the camera's off,
you know, now that's time for you, and who like
that's young for you, whether you were the partner or
your cats or whatever, like that is that time is very,

(01:13:36):
very precious and to just really think a lot of
value into that. So those are things I guess that
help out here and um here please awesome. I have
loved like most of the conference, no, most all the
way one know, it's been feeling it. And it's also

(01:13:58):
been fun to listen to the episodes where I haven't
gotten a host on. UM, it's just been such cool conversations.
And UM, I'm excited because we still got a you know,
good chunk of the year. We're only like a third
of the way through the year or so of what
we still got a lot of great conversations to have.
And I'm just so grateful to to be on this production.

(01:14:21):
And um also to get to like have conversations with
y'all and and um learn more about you and your journeys.
So uh, Bossbill has been UM, it's been a lot
of fun this year. It's been great. It's been a
big highlight from really enjoying it and I've been enjoying
learning from allam. Thank you for that. Yes, and we're
all going to go skating one day. Yeah, everybody get

(01:14:45):
new skates and we're all going to skating together. Let's
do it. I just need to sense to buy more skates. Yes,
the same Like I bought my outdoor pair of skates
and I'm like, now I need a really nice pair
of indoor skates. Like light up wheels. Yeah, I have
so many light up wheels like that and like glow
in the dark wheels. Love. Oh, it's gonna be it's

(01:15:07):
it's gonna be a good time. So next episode we're
talking about skating, We'll be joined by Tony Hawk. Now
I'm kiddingma um, but yeah, maybe we could let everyone
know what what we've all got coming up next individually, Psyche,
you want to kick us off? Sure? Um. So my

(01:15:30):
schedule is finally settling back into some former normality again. Um,
I'm pretty much streaming four days a week at noon BST.
At the moment, we're in BST, right, yeah, we are, um,
And I'm at twitch dot tv Force Psyche. I'm not
doing anything particularly exciting. I'm just playing space games and
sand boxy games and having a good time on the internet.

(01:15:51):
So I feel free to come hang out with me there,
and you can also find me on social media as
Psyche plays most of the places. And that's it. And
I am Confetti. UM. I have a few projects coming
up UM doing some D and D soon having UM
some new and creative things, Launching productions that I have
been working on for her about a year and I'm

(01:16:12):
very happy to finally launch them, so look out for that.
You can find me at Milady Confetti UM on every
single social media ever, UM, so come and check me
out UM if especially if you want to talk about
anime and video games. I finally got my brother watching
Demon Slayer, but less UM, but I am hey shady

(01:16:34):
lady UM. I am still working on getting back into
like a good rhythm. I'm coming out of a funky,
weird burnout that I'm not like an unpredictable one. So
I'm kind of coming back in UM focusing on sandbox scheme.
I think I'm getting back to my roots, so I'm
going back to like Stardi Valley and gentle content. I'm
still doing my midnight studies set streams where a deep

(01:16:54):
diveesoteric subjects and like an A Smore style format. It's
it's like a coworking space, UM, and we're studying you know,
weird occult fun stuff. We're digging into paranormal sometimes too,
so it's it's been a fun experience and um, tonight
I will actually be streaming a game I've been waiting
for for two years. Uh, A Little Which in the Woods, um,
which is a very cute sandbox game where you're a

(01:17:16):
little witch in the woods surprise. Um. But it's kind
of in the vein of like Stardy Valley. It looks
like I've been waiting on it for a long time. So, um,
bringing back in that sandbox stuff with my gaming and
that's the main focus. But um, yeah, you can find
me at hey shaty lady on on all the different
social media's, every single one, and uh, I guess the

(01:17:36):
only two social media is that I'm really like active
on right now, and I'm not even super active on
them are just Twitter and Instagram. I'm at just bro
hard on both of those. Uh. The one thing I
will plug is for my job at Gamer's Outreach, we
are doing a v tuber charity event coming up at
the end of June. So if there happened to be
any v tubers were interested in streaming to raise funds

(01:17:59):
for or what I think is a good cause, which
is um bringing video games to hospitals so that children
can play play games while they're you know, staying and
getting their treatments. Um, their navy cheepers who happen to
want to join us for that event, please slide into
my d M s on Twitter at just bro Hard Nice. Well,
thank you everybody. I've had a really really great time

(01:18:22):
talking to all of you us always, it's been really great. Um. Also,
if you are listening to this podcast, make sure you
come and join us on Discord. You can also find
us on Twitter and Instagram as the Boss Level Pod,
and make sure to writ comment and review the podcast
if you're enjoying it. I'd really appreciate it. Yeah, yeah,

(01:18:42):
I'd love to see some feedback. Thank you all very much.
And also if you have questions for people or people
that you want to see or I guess here on
the podcast as guests, also feel free to let us
know and Discord it's a great place where you come
in and join the conversation. So thanks to everybody. Thank you,
bye everybody, Thank you a

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Episode 12 - Host Roundtable

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}Episode 12 - Host Roundtable