January 10, 2023 • 23 mins
Brady's friends collect clues about his disappearance, care for digital babies in Sex Ed class, and navigate their romantic entanglements. That's high school for you!
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Previously on Brewster High. It's the spring Ultimate Frisbee Championship
and starting center disappointed it's her own Brady prefer Brewster
High star frisbee player has been horrifically injured in an
unexpected tackle. There's something fishy about the way Brady got
(00:21):
injured during the frisbee game. Good a week to bring
me anything interesting about Brady's injury. Come find me at
the tennis court. No one can know him here. It's
important Brady Brewster is at a wellness resort. I don't
know what Brady's at, but it isn't at a wellness resort.
What is going on with you? Hide? It's not likely
to get a boner in Mrs Bagley's class. Jonathan, Am
(00:42):
I going to see you at class? I don't want
to hear about TikTok. I don't know what that means.
Good morning, Mr Nelson? Are you ready to hear the
next installment of my ten part series of articles about
life at Brewster High? Clara, I just walked in. School
hasn't even started yet. I just want to sit in
my coffee a little bit. High school is a lot
(01:03):
like a game of Ultimate Frisbee. There's winners and there's losers.
Yesterday the students were the winners and the wolves were
the losers. But those wolves were child's play compared to
what fate had coming up for everyone. Starting with next
month's big dance, the Charity Ball, the scramble for dates
had begun. Every day the pool of unclaimed partners was
(01:24):
getting smaller. Brady Brewster was going to be Brind's date,
but now that he's missing, Brind's left to find a
new date. But first things first, first period, specifically, which
is home Economics taught by Coach Bagley's wife, Mrs Bagley.
Settled down, class, settled down. We have a lot to
(01:45):
cover today. I hope everyone rench after the eighteen through
twenty you're late for class? What is it? How my
baby is stuck alone in a high air balloon? And
that hypothetical situation is exactly what we'll be learning to
avoid with today's lesson. Thank you for that demonstration ago,
(02:09):
you can take your seat. I just want to let
everyone know that I did a lot of research at
the annual Santa Fe Hot Air Balloon Festival. I put
a real live baby in a hot air balloon and
let it fly away. Then watched how the mother reacted,
and that's what I was tapping into with my own performance.
Just now, she was traumatized. The mother was traumatized and
(02:30):
so scared psychotic. Okay, quiet down, Quiet down, Okay. So
each of you on your desk has a digital baby.
It might look like a small ZIP drive, but I
want you to think of it as a real baby,
a real baby with the computing power of a whole
room full of babies. We're going to learn about all
the terrible things that can happen to a baby, and
(02:52):
only by worrying about your baby obsessively can you get
better at avoiding these problems, like the problem of being
trapped in a hot air balloon exact. We now, I
certainly don't discourage high school students from having sex. I mean,
you're all curious, and if it's not outright intercourse, there's
still all sorts of other monkey businesses that can cause
a pregnancy, like turkey based for play, which is why
(03:15):
you need to be taught what a serious responsibility being
a parent is. For the next two days, you kids
will be mommy's and daddy's to your very own electronic babies. Okay,
everybody pressed that green button on the screen. See what happens.
These are state of the art baby simulator fs. These
(03:38):
babies need to be burped, fed, diapered, and most importantly
loved and also recharged every eighteen hours. Yes, Nicole, if
we hire a babysitter, can they just take care of
our digital babies for us, you know, like real parents
do in the real world. If only life were that easy.
But it's very difficult to find a reliable sitter, which
(04:01):
is why many people end up hiring an O pair.
So if you can find an O pair, then yes,
that would be an acceptable solution for this assignment. You know.
Come to think of it, having a baby in high
school could be pretty manageable, maybe even fun. So that's
class for today. Your homework is to read chapter fourteen
(04:22):
by Thursday, and also to take care of your babies
or hire someone else to gosh, these classes just keep
getting shorter and shorter. Leaving home that class was interesting,
but not half as interesting as walking into the school
newspaper classroom. Hey, Mr Nelson, I see you finished your
coffee from this morning. What is it now, Clara? Remember
(04:44):
how I wrote that article a few months ago. It
was about how brince father killed up Wala and then
it ruined their lives. Yes, I remember well. I was
thinking of doing a follow up story, kind of a
where is she now sort of thing, might help increase
the newspapers circulation. Well, newspapers are automatically headed out to
every single student anyway, so I guess I really don't care. Great,
thanks Mr Nelson. I can't wait to tell Brand. She's
(05:07):
probably in one of the hallways somewhere. Attention. Brewster High
Principal Fairweather wants everyone to know that Brady Brewster is
just fine. She's at a wellness resort because he was
hooked on eating drugs, and now that you know, she
fully expects you to respect Brady's privacy and not start
immediately gossiping about it. Hey Liam, Hey Brand, what's up?
(05:30):
You know? The charity ball is coming up in my date.
Brady's missing and you're the new kid, so no one
will ever ask you. So I was wondering if maybe
we should go too good as like, what are you
gonna wear? Well, I was thinking of wearing about Koala
scan you can make a fur dress out of the
Koala you killed from the Brewster Bay Zoo. I'm not
(05:50):
a Koala killer. I'm a Koala killer's daughter. Attention, Brewster High,
Hide and Clara are having a conversation an end the hallway. Yo, Clara, No, shoot,
you made me drop my baby. So what's your take
on Principal fair Weather? You think she's lying about where
Brady is? Maybe I want to get into her office
(06:11):
and poke around, but there's no way in. It's locked
up tighter than a non safety deposit box on Thanksgiving? Rats, Rats, Huh,
that's it? Rats. We can train one to sneak in
without tripping any of the alarms, like Paddington. But a
rat like it, but I don't love it. What else
(06:33):
have you got the same idea as a rat, but
with a recus monkey better? But the monkey needs to
be more sympathetic. Maybe you could have a limp or something.
I've got a better idea. Follow me, all right? Hide?
What are we doing standing just outside the janitor's closet?
What are we going to mop our way into a
(06:54):
locked office? You'll see, Hi, Brand, it's probably guys. Clara. Hi,
I was just changing into my work clothes. Sorry, do
you mind if we come in? That jumpsuit looks fantastic
on you, Brand. You are so lucky you started working
part time as a school janitor. Do you understand the
chain of events here? You wrote an article that causes
(07:16):
scandle and shut down my father's business, so we lost everything,
which is why I had to get this job. I
just wrote what I saw your dad killed an innocent,
unarmed koala at the zoo, and then I embellished it
with a bunch of made up stuff to make it
more exciting and give it a moral component. Now I'm
working on a brand new story, one that will be
hurtful to a different group of people. Want to help, Sorry,
(07:40):
I can't. I'm too busy focusing on getting a replacement
dad for the charity ball. As it turns out, this
story is about Brady. We don't think he's at a
wellness retreat, but that's where Principal Fairweathers had to lie.
He's not eating drugs. Brand, I know it for effects.
(08:05):
Breaking and entering is a crime as far as the
law is concerned, But as far as the law isn't concerned,
it's just another form of research. And isn't that what
school is all about, Not just to learn things, but
to learn how to learn things with Brent's help, Hide
and Clara were about to learn things by breaking into
Principal fair Weather's office. Hey Clara, that's me Clara. Before
(08:27):
we break in, you'll have to memorize the exact location
to Principal fair Weather's office. Okay, Brandon, her office is
right in front of me, got it. Now hide your
shirt safe and Principal fair Weather won't be back anytime soon,
I'm sure, And once we find out where Brady really is,
we can drag him back to Brewster High to be
your date for the charity Ball, no matter what he wants. Guys,
(08:49):
I'm starting to have second thoughts about using my janitor
keys for something like this that's totally breaking the janitor's
ethical code. Brand the Charity Ball. Photos from that will
be in the your books, and people will glance at
their yearbooks every ten years for the rest of their lives.
All right, You'll have five minutes to get in, find
what you're looking for, and get out. What happens in
(09:11):
five minutes, I get bored and leave, got it? Hi,
you stay out here and keep guard. Get to do anything,
all right. I'll take the file cabinets and you go
through her desk. Got it. Holy sh it, Clara, I
(09:37):
found her food log yogurt, Celery, Celery, yogurt, yogurt razings. Guys,
be quiet in there. There's a security guard coming. Clara.
We're outside this office. I'm just waiting to see the principal.
She's not here right now. I know I'm lining up
from when she gets back. See you exactly, I'm the
(10:02):
first one here. Come back in twenty minutes, and there
will be a line all the way down the hall.
Oh hey, shut up, a little guy, go back to sleep.
What's up? I didn't hear anything. What am I supposed
to do? Try breastfeeding it? Okay, it's not latching. Oh no, Now,
my stupid baby's crying. To damn this digital baby here,
(10:25):
there's one because there's dad, so she's got babies. I
think you're imagine any thing, Sir. I don't hear anything
at all. Shut up, shut up, shut up. I'm sure
I heard something. Will you shut that baby up? You
shut your baby up. That's it, baby. I'm shaking you
until you stop me too, because it was nothing. You've
(10:50):
really got a case of baby fever, sir. I think
you need to go home and clear your head. Yeah,
you gotta relax because I've been working too hard. He's
on coast, is clear, Brian? How's your baby? I think
I might have killed it. Yours probably just unconscious. I
wonder what's in this metal can on her desk. Judging
(11:10):
by the consistency, these are dog's ashes. Tastes like border collie.
That checks out her dog recently died and was cremated.
Let me have a taste of those ashes. Yep, definitely
border collie. I guess this was a waste of time,
unless you count this stump drive sitting right here on
top of her desk. Oh ship, we're gonna be late
(11:34):
for home. Mack quick, Clara, grab your baby and let's go.
Attention burst a high. It seems like just yesterday when
Mrs Badley was teaching home, because it was she teaches
it every day, like right now, al right, everybody, come on,
(11:55):
quiet down, let's get started. Please put your babies into
the basket that Charles is passing around my baby. Okay,
So I've already uploaded the data from all of your devices,
so let's see how you did. And the results are in.
(12:15):
The class has an overall average of ninety two. Unfortunately,
that's on a scale of one to a thousand. However,
on this scale, the lower the number the better. So
give yourselves a hand. Yeah, go knock yourselves up. You're
all ready to be parents. I'm to go out. Okay,
don't forget. You have three chapter four by Thursday. I
(12:39):
swear these classes just seem to be getting shorter and shorter. Clara, Wait,
don't Hey, did you check the thumb drive from Principal
Fairweather's office. I tried. It's encrypted. There's one person who
could help Geffen. He's awful. I hate Geffen more than anyone,
but he's the only one with both the hardware and
the software. Fine, we're Steffen right now. I think he's
(13:01):
that mediation right. His parents cannot stand him and want
him to legally not be their son anymore. He hired
a real bulldog off a lawyer and rent it out
the teacher's lounge so they could do the negotiation right
here on campus. Well that's convenient. Let's go get him,
Mrs Keeff. If you'd like my client to move out,
(13:22):
we have a list of monetary demands that must be
met before any further discussion. Yeah, maa, I got a
lifestyle to pretend to be having God. What happened to
you all your life? We modeled moral ethical behavior. It's
called the family ties effect. One kid in every family
rebels against the rest by being the total opposite of them.
Don't play me, mom, that's science and TV. Let's just
(13:44):
get down to it. The sooner this is taken care of,
the sooner we can get you out of our lives.
Rather than say the dollar amount out loud, I think
it will be more dramatic for me to write it
on a piece of paper and slide it across the table.
Jesus Christ. Okay, I'm gonna write my counter offer on
(14:07):
the back of the same piece of paper and slide
it back to you. No way money. It looks like
I'll be living with you until you retired. I think
I'll have a bunch of friends come over this weekend
for a PlayStation marathon in the living room. But if
we paid Geffen this much money, we can't even afford
to live in this house anymore. Get used to it,
(14:28):
old lady, tell you what. How about you walk around
the block, take a moment to think about it. Geff
and I will be here when you return. Have a
nice walk old lady. I hope you don't get lost.
I think that went well. Come hello, Geffen, what do
(14:50):
you takes? Want an autograph? If so, you'll have to
go through my lawyer. Hi, I'm gonna slide my card
slowly across the table too. Got the bullshit, Geffen, I
hear you know a singer to you about thumb drives.
Well whoa, well, look who wants me involved in their
little sneak around game? Fine, but it's gonna have to
cost you. Then forget it. Wait, wait, I'll help it.
(15:12):
Actually kind of be nice to have friends, even if
it's just like pretend friends. Then it's a deal. You
help us and in return we give you absolutely nothing.
I'll drop the contract. Put a bunch of computers in
a room, and it's just a room full of computers.
(15:34):
But add too high school students to that room in
this case, Geffen and hide, and suddenly it becomes a
computer lab. One of those students is about to try
and open the thumb drive you got from Clara. Hey Clara,
that's me again. Get comfortable. This could take a while,
and better watch out. These fingers moved fast, man. Look
(15:58):
at those fingers. Go that's it. The drive is called
Brady's Secrets. I hope it's not a different Brady. Unless
it's Tom Brady. I'd really like to know his secret.
Open it up. It looks like it's encrypted. Bummer, You've
tried everything. Let's just give up. It might be encrypted,
but it's not encrypted. Encrypted, damn it. Okay, it might
(16:22):
be encrypted, encrypted, but I bet it's not secured by tokenization.
Son of a bitch. Damn it, shit, god, stupid god,
damn it. Okay, well I know a thing or two
about tokenization. Encrypted file. Prepared to go on a date
with Geffen? Fuck? What damn it? What's wrong? Ship? Dopid high? Fuck?
(16:47):
I forgot about my day with Dexter. He's been waiting
for me for over an hour. Shit, stupid fucking differ.
Don't wait up for me. I'm bypassing the USB port
and accessing the AASH memory through the hardware. Now to
send some juice to the crystal oscillator. Hey, check this out.
I can take really fast and we're in What is
(17:14):
this a receipt for an edible nosegay? Edible nosegay? You
know that's the company that gives you what looks like
a bouquet of flowers, but it's really pieces of fruit
on sticks, and it smells like riding cantaloupe. But no
one at breast or High has had an edible nosegay
for years. I think if you follow the trail of
riding fruit you might find something. Hey see if you
can pull a delivery address off that receipt, just running
(17:35):
it through another filter. So many filters. This one's called
sand Shade now enhanced a place called break the Cycle.
Do you think that's where Brady is? Break the Cycle?
Which just sounds like a place you'd go if you
were trying to change your life. So why would fair
Weather care enough to send Brady and edible nosegay. Something's
(17:56):
not right about this. Someone needs to pay a visit
to break the cycle. Well, good luck with that. I
did my part right about now. Hide was arriving over
an hour late at the dive shop for scuba date
with Dexter. Yikes, Oh my god, there you are. I'm
(18:19):
so sorry. I'm late. You're not late, Hide, you missed
it all together. I've been hearing the scooba suit for
an hour. It's not too late. There's still time to
go scuba diving if you want. You can't just scuba
dive whenever you want. You have to go during low tide?
Was it fun? You see any cool fish out there?
This was your idea? You had the couple snorkeling group on.
I was look at chump. I got paired with the instructor, well,
(18:41):
at least the instructor. No. We've been dating for three months.
That's three high school months. In adult time, that's like
six years. And in those three months, you have stood
me up eight times. You haven't returned over fifty of
my texts, and you haven't used an emoji once, not
one emoji. It takes so long to find that emoji keyboarding, Really,
(19:02):
you don't have an extra half a second to effectively
and concisely communicate a feeling to me using a simple image. Look,
I really do apologize, Okay, I got unexpectedly busy. What's
more important to you? Me or the things that you're
unexpectedly busy with? You you're the most important. But this
thing today, it was about Brady. He was my best friend.
You know that. I guess it wasn't that big a
(19:26):
deal and everything's good between us. I can't stay mad
at you hide. I just I'm so glad we talked
through this sea. What is the high school but just
a collection of rooms made out of mortar and brick
and sometimes would maybe but fill it with people and
it comes alive. One of those people was my best friend,
(19:47):
Brittan Mariskino, and I was about to talk to her
in the hallway a few minutes after I left the
computer lab. Let me ask you something, britt does Brady
like to get fruit baskets? Are you kidding? He hates them.
Plus they're so overprized. It's like ninety cents of fruit
in a twenty dollar bouquet. Yeah, but you're not paying
for the fruit, You're paying for the labor. But there's
(20:08):
no way that fruit basket was for Brady. He hated
fruits and vegetables. And I know everything about Brady. We
dated on and off for sixteen days while that rotting
fruit was my one and only lead. Geffin found an
address where Brady might be, But I doubt we'll be
getting Brady back anytime soon. Certainly not soon enough to
take you to the charity ball. Oh jeez, I don't
(20:29):
know what to do. I tell you what, we can
go together. I don't have a date either. Really, yeah,
why not? A couple of girls can have fun at
a dance without Brady for a night. He's not so
great and he's a terrible dancer. He hates dancing. There
you go, There we go. Did Brady find out something
(20:51):
he wasn't supposed to know? I went back to the
high school newspaper lab to read my story back to
my journalism teacher. That's it. That's the end of the article.
I went back to the high school newspaper lab to
read my story back to my journalism teacher. Yeah, it's
not great, Clara. Usually a piece of journalism ends with answers,
(21:12):
not with questions. Look, why don't you go with the
piss angle the kid who sells his piss to help
those jocks pass the drug test. Now that that's a story,
I can't do that. That was supposed to remain confidential.
You know, Clara, I'm gonna be honest with you. I
don't think you've got what it takes to be a
real reporter. Some teachers have a knack for bringing out
(21:32):
the best in their students. Others are just dicks. When
Mr Nelson told me, are you writing an article about
me now. Mr Nelson was the kind of teacher who
didn't believe in his students. To him, they were all
just dumb. I'm not publishing this next time. I'm Brewster High.
(21:52):
I can't keep producing enough clean piss for the drug tests.
I'm like thirty years younger than a boomer, and no
one says, okay, boomer anymore. You keep kidding me. Right
now feels like this question is a trap. I don't
have time to get into it. Okay, the economics of
life theater are crazy. I can't listen to your lies anymore,
but you totally can. You can't see my penis. I mean,
there's no way around it. You can see my penis.
(22:16):
This episode of Brewster High was written by Carrie O'Neil
and Gilliness Seen and Jonathan Stern, and directed by Jonathan Stern.
It was performed by Lindsay James, Theodore Chin, Jordan Dahl,
Jared Goldstein, Greg Hess, Peter Kim, Mike McCafferty, Veronica Saudio, Shakira,
Jane Pay, Dwayne Perkins, Anna Seragina Sager, shake, Amy Silverberg,
(22:37):
and Morgan Walsh. Executive produced by Keith Quinn and Jonathan Stern.
Produced by Frannie Baldwin, Jack Brungart, Natalie Gurgley, and David Solinger.
Music by Matt Nobat, Greg Martin and Alison Newman. The
supervising sound editor was Julie Diaz and the sound editor
was Jack de Crane. Mixed by Brent Kaiser, sound designed
and mixed at Unbridled Sound. Brewster High was a production
of Abominable Pictures and Honorable Mention for I Heart Media.
(22:59):
This podcast is also available on vinyl for my friend Rob,
who makes a big deal about how much better things
sound on vinyl.
Previously on Brewster High. It's the spring Ultimate Frisbee Championship
and starting center disappointed it's her own Brady prefer Brewster
High star frisbee player has been horrifically injured in an
unexpected tackle. There's something fishy about the way Brady got
(00:21):
injured during the frisbee game. Good a week to bring
me anything interesting about Brady's injury. Come find me at
the tennis court. No one can know him here. It's
important Brady Brewster is at a wellness resort. I don't
know what Brady's at, but it isn't at a wellness resort.
What is going on with you? Hide? It's not likely
to get a boner in Mrs Bagley's class. Jonathan, Am
(00:42):
I going to see you at class? I don't want
to hear about TikTok. I don't know what that means.
Good morning, Mr Nelson? Are you ready to hear the
next installment of my ten part series of articles about
life at Brewster High? Clara, I just walked in. School
hasn't even started yet. I just want to sit in
my coffee a little bit. High school is a lot
(01:03):
like a game of Ultimate Frisbee. There's winners and there's losers.
Yesterday the students were the winners and the wolves were
the losers. But those wolves were child's play compared to
what fate had coming up for everyone. Starting with next
month's big dance, the Charity Ball, the scramble for dates
had begun. Every day the pool of unclaimed partners was
(01:24):
getting smaller. Brady Brewster was going to be Brind's date,
but now that he's missing, Brind's left to find a
new date. But first things first, first period, specifically, which
is home Economics taught by Coach Bagley's wife, Mrs Bagley.
Settled down, class, settled down. We have a lot to
(01:45):
cover today. I hope everyone rench after the eighteen through
twenty you're late for class? What is it? How my
baby is stuck alone in a high air balloon? And
that hypothetical situation is exactly what we'll be learning to
avoid with today's lesson. Thank you for that demonstration ago,
(02:09):
you can take your seat. I just want to let
everyone know that I did a lot of research at
the annual Santa Fe Hot Air Balloon Festival. I put
a real live baby in a hot air balloon and
let it fly away. Then watched how the mother reacted,
and that's what I was tapping into with my own performance.
Just now, she was traumatized. The mother was traumatized and
(02:30):
so scared psychotic. Okay, quiet down, Quiet down, Okay. So
each of you on your desk has a digital baby.
It might look like a small ZIP drive, but I
want you to think of it as a real baby,
a real baby with the computing power of a whole
room full of babies. We're going to learn about all
the terrible things that can happen to a baby, and
(02:52):
only by worrying about your baby obsessively can you get
better at avoiding these problems, like the problem of being
trapped in a hot air balloon exact. We now, I
certainly don't discourage high school students from having sex. I mean,
you're all curious, and if it's not outright intercourse, there's
still all sorts of other monkey businesses that can cause
a pregnancy, like turkey based for play, which is why
(03:15):
you need to be taught what a serious responsibility being
a parent is. For the next two days, you kids
will be mommy's and daddy's to your very own electronic babies. Okay,
everybody pressed that green button on the screen. See what happens.
These are state of the art baby simulator fs. These
(03:38):
babies need to be burped, fed, diapered, and most importantly
loved and also recharged every eighteen hours. Yes, Nicole, if
we hire a babysitter, can they just take care of
our digital babies for us, you know, like real parents
do in the real world. If only life were that easy.
But it's very difficult to find a reliable sitter, which
(04:01):
is why many people end up hiring an O pair.
So if you can find an O pair, then yes,
that would be an acceptable solution for this assignment. You know.
Come to think of it, having a baby in high
school could be pretty manageable, maybe even fun. So that's
class for today. Your homework is to read chapter fourteen
(04:22):
by Thursday, and also to take care of your babies
or hire someone else to gosh, these classes just keep
getting shorter and shorter. Leaving home that class was interesting,
but not half as interesting as walking into the school
newspaper classroom. Hey, Mr Nelson, I see you finished your
coffee from this morning. What is it now, Clara? Remember
(04:44):
how I wrote that article a few months ago. It
was about how brince father killed up Wala and then
it ruined their lives. Yes, I remember well. I was
thinking of doing a follow up story, kind of a
where is she now sort of thing, might help increase
the newspapers circulation. Well, newspapers are automatically headed out to
every single student anyway, so I guess I really don't care. Great,
thanks Mr Nelson. I can't wait to tell Brand. She's
(05:07):
probably in one of the hallways somewhere. Attention. Brewster High
Principal Fairweather wants everyone to know that Brady Brewster is
just fine. She's at a wellness resort because he was
hooked on eating drugs, and now that you know, she
fully expects you to respect Brady's privacy and not start
immediately gossiping about it. Hey Liam, Hey Brand, what's up?
(05:30):
You know? The charity ball is coming up in my date.
Brady's missing and you're the new kid, so no one
will ever ask you. So I was wondering if maybe
we should go too good as like, what are you
gonna wear? Well, I was thinking of wearing about Koala
scan you can make a fur dress out of the
Koala you killed from the Brewster Bay Zoo. I'm not
(05:50):
a Koala killer. I'm a Koala killer's daughter. Attention, Brewster High,
Hide and Clara are having a conversation an end the hallway. Yo, Clara, No, shoot,
you made me drop my baby. So what's your take
on Principal fair Weather? You think she's lying about where
Brady is? Maybe I want to get into her office
(06:11):
and poke around, but there's no way in. It's locked
up tighter than a non safety deposit box on Thanksgiving? Rats, Rats, Huh,
that's it? Rats. We can train one to sneak in
without tripping any of the alarms, like Paddington. But a
rat like it, but I don't love it. What else
(06:33):
have you got the same idea as a rat, but
with a recus monkey better? But the monkey needs to
be more sympathetic. Maybe you could have a limp or something.
I've got a better idea. Follow me, all right? Hide?
What are we doing standing just outside the janitor's closet?
What are we going to mop our way into a
(06:54):
locked office? You'll see, Hi, Brand, it's probably guys. Clara. Hi,
I was just changing into my work clothes. Sorry, do
you mind if we come in? That jumpsuit looks fantastic
on you, Brand. You are so lucky you started working
part time as a school janitor. Do you understand the
chain of events here? You wrote an article that causes
(07:16):
scandle and shut down my father's business, so we lost everything,
which is why I had to get this job. I
just wrote what I saw your dad killed an innocent,
unarmed koala at the zoo, and then I embellished it
with a bunch of made up stuff to make it
more exciting and give it a moral component. Now I'm
working on a brand new story, one that will be
hurtful to a different group of people. Want to help, Sorry,
(07:40):
I can't. I'm too busy focusing on getting a replacement
dad for the charity ball. As it turns out, this
story is about Brady. We don't think he's at a
wellness retreat, but that's where Principal Fairweathers had to lie.
He's not eating drugs. Brand, I know it for effects.
(08:05):
Breaking and entering is a crime as far as the
law is concerned, But as far as the law isn't concerned,
it's just another form of research. And isn't that what
school is all about, Not just to learn things, but
to learn how to learn things with Brent's help, Hide
and Clara were about to learn things by breaking into
Principal fair Weather's office. Hey Clara, that's me Clara. Before
(08:27):
we break in, you'll have to memorize the exact location
to Principal fair Weather's office. Okay, Brandon, her office is
right in front of me, got it. Now hide your
shirt safe and Principal fair Weather won't be back anytime soon,
I'm sure, And once we find out where Brady really is,
we can drag him back to Brewster High to be
your date for the charity Ball, no matter what he wants. Guys,
(08:49):
I'm starting to have second thoughts about using my janitor
keys for something like this that's totally breaking the janitor's
ethical code. Brand the Charity Ball. Photos from that will
be in the your books, and people will glance at
their yearbooks every ten years for the rest of their lives.
All right, You'll have five minutes to get in, find
what you're looking for, and get out. What happens in
(09:11):
five minutes, I get bored and leave, got it? Hi,
you stay out here and keep guard. Get to do anything,
all right. I'll take the file cabinets and you go
through her desk. Got it. Holy sh it, Clara, I
(09:37):
found her food log yogurt, Celery, Celery, yogurt, yogurt razings. Guys,
be quiet in there. There's a security guard coming. Clara.
We're outside this office. I'm just waiting to see the principal.
She's not here right now. I know I'm lining up
from when she gets back. See you exactly, I'm the
(10:02):
first one here. Come back in twenty minutes, and there
will be a line all the way down the hall.
Oh hey, shut up, a little guy, go back to sleep.
What's up? I didn't hear anything. What am I supposed
to do? Try breastfeeding it? Okay, it's not latching. Oh no, Now,
my stupid baby's crying. To damn this digital baby here,
(10:25):
there's one because there's dad, so she's got babies. I
think you're imagine any thing, Sir. I don't hear anything
at all. Shut up, shut up, shut up. I'm sure
I heard something. Will you shut that baby up? You
shut your baby up. That's it, baby. I'm shaking you
until you stop me too, because it was nothing. You've
(10:50):
really got a case of baby fever, sir. I think
you need to go home and clear your head. Yeah,
you gotta relax because I've been working too hard. He's
on coast, is clear, Brian? How's your baby? I think
I might have killed it. Yours probably just unconscious. I
wonder what's in this metal can on her desk. Judging
(11:10):
by the consistency, these are dog's ashes. Tastes like border collie.
That checks out her dog recently died and was cremated.
Let me have a taste of those ashes. Yep, definitely
border collie. I guess this was a waste of time,
unless you count this stump drive sitting right here on
top of her desk. Oh ship, we're gonna be late
(11:34):
for home. Mack quick, Clara, grab your baby and let's go.
Attention burst a high. It seems like just yesterday when
Mrs Badley was teaching home, because it was she teaches
it every day, like right now, al right, everybody, come on,
(11:55):
quiet down, let's get started. Please put your babies into
the basket that Charles is passing around my baby. Okay,
So I've already uploaded the data from all of your devices,
so let's see how you did. And the results are in.
(12:15):
The class has an overall average of ninety two. Unfortunately,
that's on a scale of one to a thousand. However,
on this scale, the lower the number the better. So
give yourselves a hand. Yeah, go knock yourselves up. You're
all ready to be parents. I'm to go out. Okay,
don't forget. You have three chapter four by Thursday. I
(12:39):
swear these classes just seem to be getting shorter and shorter. Clara, Wait,
don't Hey, did you check the thumb drive from Principal
Fairweather's office. I tried. It's encrypted. There's one person who
could help Geffen. He's awful. I hate Geffen more than anyone,
but he's the only one with both the hardware and
the software. Fine, we're Steffen right now. I think he's
(13:01):
that mediation right. His parents cannot stand him and want
him to legally not be their son anymore. He hired
a real bulldog off a lawyer and rent it out
the teacher's lounge so they could do the negotiation right
here on campus. Well that's convenient. Let's go get him,
Mrs Keeff. If you'd like my client to move out,
(13:22):
we have a list of monetary demands that must be
met before any further discussion. Yeah, maa, I got a
lifestyle to pretend to be having God. What happened to
you all your life? We modeled moral ethical behavior. It's
called the family ties effect. One kid in every family
rebels against the rest by being the total opposite of them.
Don't play me, mom, that's science and TV. Let's just
(13:44):
get down to it. The sooner this is taken care of,
the sooner we can get you out of our lives.
Rather than say the dollar amount out loud, I think
it will be more dramatic for me to write it
on a piece of paper and slide it across the table.
Jesus Christ. Okay, I'm gonna write my counter offer on
(14:07):
the back of the same piece of paper and slide
it back to you. No way money. It looks like
I'll be living with you until you retired. I think
I'll have a bunch of friends come over this weekend
for a PlayStation marathon in the living room. But if
we paid Geffen this much money, we can't even afford
to live in this house anymore. Get used to it,
(14:28):
old lady, tell you what. How about you walk around
the block, take a moment to think about it. Geff
and I will be here when you return. Have a
nice walk old lady. I hope you don't get lost.
I think that went well. Come hello, Geffen, what do
(14:50):
you takes? Want an autograph? If so, you'll have to
go through my lawyer. Hi, I'm gonna slide my card
slowly across the table too. Got the bullshit, Geffen, I
hear you know a singer to you about thumb drives.
Well whoa, well, look who wants me involved in their
little sneak around game? Fine, but it's gonna have to
cost you. Then forget it. Wait, wait, I'll help it.
(15:12):
Actually kind of be nice to have friends, even if
it's just like pretend friends. Then it's a deal. You
help us and in return we give you absolutely nothing.
I'll drop the contract. Put a bunch of computers in
a room, and it's just a room full of computers.
(15:34):
But add too high school students to that room in
this case, Geffen and hide, and suddenly it becomes a
computer lab. One of those students is about to try
and open the thumb drive you got from Clara. Hey Clara,
that's me again. Get comfortable. This could take a while,
and better watch out. These fingers moved fast, man. Look
(15:58):
at those fingers. Go that's it. The drive is called
Brady's Secrets. I hope it's not a different Brady. Unless
it's Tom Brady. I'd really like to know his secret.
Open it up. It looks like it's encrypted. Bummer, You've
tried everything. Let's just give up. It might be encrypted,
but it's not encrypted. Encrypted, damn it. Okay, it might
(16:22):
be encrypted, encrypted, but I bet it's not secured by tokenization.
Son of a bitch. Damn it, shit, god, stupid god,
damn it. Okay, well I know a thing or two
about tokenization. Encrypted file. Prepared to go on a date
with Geffen? Fuck? What damn it? What's wrong? Ship? Dopid high? Fuck?
(16:47):
I forgot about my day with Dexter. He's been waiting
for me for over an hour. Shit, stupid fucking differ.
Don't wait up for me. I'm bypassing the USB port
and accessing the AASH memory through the hardware. Now to
send some juice to the crystal oscillator. Hey, check this out.
I can take really fast and we're in What is
(17:14):
this a receipt for an edible nosegay? Edible nosegay? You
know that's the company that gives you what looks like
a bouquet of flowers, but it's really pieces of fruit
on sticks, and it smells like riding cantaloupe. But no
one at breast or High has had an edible nosegay
for years. I think if you follow the trail of
riding fruit you might find something. Hey see if you
can pull a delivery address off that receipt, just running
(17:35):
it through another filter. So many filters. This one's called
sand Shade now enhanced a place called break the Cycle.
Do you think that's where Brady is? Break the Cycle?
Which just sounds like a place you'd go if you
were trying to change your life. So why would fair
Weather care enough to send Brady and edible nosegay. Something's
(17:56):
not right about this. Someone needs to pay a visit
to break the cycle. Well, good luck with that. I
did my part right about now. Hide was arriving over
an hour late at the dive shop for scuba date
with Dexter. Yikes, Oh my god, there you are. I'm
(18:19):
so sorry. I'm late. You're not late, Hide, you missed
it all together. I've been hearing the scooba suit for
an hour. It's not too late. There's still time to
go scuba diving if you want. You can't just scuba
dive whenever you want. You have to go during low tide?
Was it fun? You see any cool fish out there?
This was your idea? You had the couple snorkeling group on.
I was look at chump. I got paired with the instructor, well,
(18:41):
at least the instructor. No. We've been dating for three months.
That's three high school months. In adult time, that's like
six years. And in those three months, you have stood
me up eight times. You haven't returned over fifty of
my texts, and you haven't used an emoji once, not
one emoji. It takes so long to find that emoji keyboarding, Really,
(19:02):
you don't have an extra half a second to effectively
and concisely communicate a feeling to me using a simple image. Look,
I really do apologize, Okay, I got unexpectedly busy. What's
more important to you? Me or the things that you're
unexpectedly busy with? You you're the most important. But this
thing today, it was about Brady. He was my best friend.
You know that. I guess it wasn't that big a
(19:26):
deal and everything's good between us. I can't stay mad
at you hide. I just I'm so glad we talked
through this sea. What is the high school but just
a collection of rooms made out of mortar and brick
and sometimes would maybe but fill it with people and
it comes alive. One of those people was my best friend,
(19:47):
Brittan Mariskino, and I was about to talk to her
in the hallway a few minutes after I left the
computer lab. Let me ask you something, britt does Brady
like to get fruit baskets? Are you kidding? He hates them.
Plus they're so overprized. It's like ninety cents of fruit
in a twenty dollar bouquet. Yeah, but you're not paying
for the fruit, You're paying for the labor. But there's
(20:08):
no way that fruit basket was for Brady. He hated
fruits and vegetables. And I know everything about Brady. We
dated on and off for sixteen days while that rotting
fruit was my one and only lead. Geffin found an
address where Brady might be, But I doubt we'll be
getting Brady back anytime soon. Certainly not soon enough to
take you to the charity ball. Oh jeez, I don't
(20:29):
know what to do. I tell you what, we can
go together. I don't have a date either. Really, yeah,
why not? A couple of girls can have fun at
a dance without Brady for a night. He's not so
great and he's a terrible dancer. He hates dancing. There
you go, There we go. Did Brady find out something
(20:51):
he wasn't supposed to know? I went back to the
high school newspaper lab to read my story back to
my journalism teacher. That's it. That's the end of the article.
I went back to the high school newspaper lab to
read my story back to my journalism teacher. Yeah, it's
not great, Clara. Usually a piece of journalism ends with answers,
(21:12):
not with questions. Look, why don't you go with the
piss angle the kid who sells his piss to help
those jocks pass the drug test. Now that that's a story,
I can't do that. That was supposed to remain confidential.
You know, Clara, I'm gonna be honest with you. I
don't think you've got what it takes to be a
real reporter. Some teachers have a knack for bringing out
(21:32):
the best in their students. Others are just dicks. When
Mr Nelson told me, are you writing an article about
me now. Mr Nelson was the kind of teacher who
didn't believe in his students. To him, they were all
just dumb. I'm not publishing this next time. I'm Brewster High.
(21:52):
I can't keep producing enough clean piss for the drug tests.
I'm like thirty years younger than a boomer, and no
one says, okay, boomer anymore. You keep kidding me. Right
now feels like this question is a trap. I don't
have time to get into it. Okay, the economics of
life theater are crazy. I can't listen to your lies anymore,
but you totally can. You can't see my penis. I mean,
there's no way around it. You can see my penis.
(22:16):
This episode of Brewster High was written by Carrie O'Neil
and Gilliness Seen and Jonathan Stern, and directed by Jonathan Stern.
It was performed by Lindsay James, Theodore Chin, Jordan Dahl,
Jared Goldstein, Greg Hess, Peter Kim, Mike McCafferty, Veronica Saudio, Shakira,
Jane Pay, Dwayne Perkins, Anna Seragina Sager, shake, Amy Silverberg,
(22:37):
and Morgan Walsh. Executive produced by Keith Quinn and Jonathan Stern.
Produced by Frannie Baldwin, Jack Brungart, Natalie Gurgley, and David Solinger.
Music by Matt Nobat, Greg Martin and Alison Newman. The
supervising sound editor was Julie Diaz and the sound editor
was Jack de Crane. Mixed by Brent Kaiser, sound designed
and mixed at Unbridled Sound. Brewster High was a production
of Abominable Pictures and Honorable Mention for I Heart Media.
(22:59):
This podcast is also available on vinyl for my friend Rob,
who makes a big deal about how much better things
sound on vinyl.
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