January 24, 2023 • 23 mins
The annual talent show provides cover for Brady’s crew as they make the most shocking discovery of all. And the head janitor hires a robo-cleaner to replace Brynn.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
Previously on Brewster High. Let me get this straight. Brady Brewster,
the most popular guy at our school, mysteriously went missing
a few nights ago. Who's mature girl forty eight? Claire
and I figured out who mature girl forty eight is.
It's Mrs Bagley, our home max teacher. Brady was having
an affair with Mrs Bagley, student teacher affair. That's the
first that note was in code. Brady and I aren't
(00:24):
having an affair. I'm not blinking, Brady. They can try
out our one, a new cutting edge autonomous robotic vacuum cleaning. Hey,
I'm Seifeld. What's the deal with sucks? Good morning Verster High.
(00:48):
There's just enough time for Clara to stop by the
newspaper classroom and talk to Mr Nelson before first period. Hey,
Mr Nelson, have a minute. Oh sure, Clara, But I
better not be to ask me for sage advice about
important life issues. I'm not that kind of teacher. No,
I'm the kind of teacher that teacher woud passed in
the parking lot but would not pay attention to. I
(01:10):
need a little help on my article. Why do you
read back to me what you've got so far picking
up from where I left off last time, the three
billboards set up in front of school delivered vital plot
information to everyone at once. While it's true that Brady
and Mrs Bagley were exchanging secret messages, the amorous language
was actually co Yeah, you've got the reader's attention now
(01:33):
reeling in. True, some of their messages were dirty talk,
but that was only flirting. Everyone knows that flirting isn't cheating.
What they were really communicating about was the surprise party
they were planning for Coach Bagley. Well, you've got a
lot of dangling mysteries, or as we like to call
them in journalism threads, like who put up those billboards?
(01:53):
Nobody knows, but I've got a name for him, the
billboard bandit. Bandit is someone who takes things. It seems
like you're and it puts things up. What's the opposite
a bandit? You find the answer that question, you'll have
your story. I'll get right on it. Mr Nelson. Also,
I need to use some old fashioned reporting this week
the annual school Talent Show. You need to cover that
(02:14):
and get me six columns by Monday, can do Hey?
Feel free to come back and read me new paragraphs
sporadically anytime. It helps me keep tracking what's going on. Careful,
I just might take you up on that good morning
verst Or High. The north parking lot will be off
limits for the rest of the week. Attention Dexter, if
you're looking for Britt, she's in the south hallway cleaning
(02:36):
graffiti in her capacity as a part time janitor. Hey, brand,
what you're doing cleaning the hallway walls? Janitor Gordy has
been giving me so much work. Really has it in
for you? Huh? This graffiti goes on all the way
around the corner, and I have to clean all of
it by myself. You're never by yourself when you have friends.
(02:56):
I'll give you a hand. Isn't your assignment usually sweeping
off the lunch. There's a new robot cleaner that does
that now instead of me. It's called the R one thousand.
It's only a matter of time before I get laid
off robots. Next thing you know, they'll have robots stocking
the shellows at Amazon warehouses. Maybe we should sabotage the
robot vacuum cleaner. I'll pretend to throw up in the hallway,
(03:19):
but I'll mix in some quick drying cement, so when
the R one thousand mops it up, it'll harden inside
of it and sees it up. Great idea. I love it.
What do you love, brin Urschino ship you just said
I love it. What were you referring to, Brian? I
don't remember. It sounded to me like you were planning
(03:39):
something in violation of the student handbook. Does that jog
your memory, Brian? I'll ask you again, and what do
you love? We were talking about how much we love
playing hop scotch and you weren't talking about sabotaging me.
It was just hop Scotch squares jumping line is in
violation of the Student Code of Conduct Section eight. Well,
your attitude in violation of my dick. Why don't you
(04:02):
go buff out some old gum and then take your
mom pet and shove it up your ha. Oh, you
have a built in taser. There is much about me
you don't know. I suggest you don't test me. If
you require medical attention, I can provide you with step
by step directions to the nurse's office. Britta Maraschino, please
(04:25):
resume cleaning at your earliest convenience. That robot vacuum cleaner
is a real piece of ship. May I have your attention?
This Thursday is the annual Talent Show. If you want
to be in the Talent Show, the sign up shade
is now posted in the office. Thank you? Are you
performing anything? The only talent I have is a talent
(04:45):
for picking the wrong boyfriend. But realistically, I don't know
how well that would go over in a talent show.
How would you keep that entertaining for five minutes? By
five months? This is a special announcement for just three people,
but I'm using the school pa system to make it
(05:06):
so everyone else can hear what they're missing. Clara and Hide,
please make definite his garage for band rehearsals and one
and a two and a one to three. We sound
(05:26):
pretty good. Our band is gonna kick some serious ass
in the Talent Show. I mean serious ass. Maybe it's
finally time we come up with a name for ourselves. Well,
there are three of us, me, Devan, you Hide and
you Clara, So maybe our band name should be something
that comes in threes, like Three's Company. What about the
primary colors? No, how about the little pigs, tricycle wheels,
(05:50):
free piece suits. I think the band has to have
a name that you know means something to the students
in Brewster High, like the mysterious three billboards someone put
up outside of the school. It's exactly, Oh my god, guys,
I've got the hearts settled where the three billboards? Let's jam? Hey,
(06:14):
Mr Nelson, quick check in to run another paragraph past
you shoot hide. Geffen and Clara were really jelling as
a band. The rest of the school, however, was being
tormented by this new asshole robot vacuum cleaner. One note,
it's weird that you refer to yourself as Clara. You're Clara.
Just put it in the first person. I don't remember
asking for your opinion, so I guess you can just
(06:35):
go fund yourself. I am an autonomous robot vacuum cleaner
Model R one thousand, the latest technology and educational assistance.
Please vacate the hallway. You must go to your parent class. Hey, Dexter,
who got that? Are one thousand rooming the holes like
it owns the place? Please do not deposit your gun
(06:56):
rapper on the floor. A clean hallway benefits us all.
You're right, Our one thousand is a total dick, doesn't it? Ever?
Run out of electricity. Looks like it's said it to
the basement. That's following. I've never been to this part
of the basement before. Do you think this is where
it comes to recharge? Where did our one thousand go?
(07:19):
I think through that slot in the wall. What's that
over there in the corner. It's a big metal box
with a combination lock in the front. That sounds like
a vault. What does a high school need with a vault?
What does anyone need with a vault to vault something
or to hide something? We can find Clara and Hide
and Geffen in Geffen's garage. They're rehearsing from the talent show.
Let's go Clara, Dexter, Hide. Don't start rehearsing yet. There's
(07:58):
something important we have to tell Clara. Anything you say
to Clara you can say in front of us. Uh. Yeah,
we were going to Britain. Dexter. What's up? We found
something in the basement of the school. Sounds like a vault.
We're gonna have to get it open. You know how
to crack a safe. It's locked? Yep. Well, let's just
try all the combinations. How many can there be? At
(08:19):
least a hundred. You guys, that would take us all night.
Maybe we need to do this the hard way we
were talking about sounded pretty hard to me. I mean
hard as a jackhammer hard. My uncle owns a jackhammer store.
I'm sure you let me borrow one overnight. I remember correctly.
Jackhammers are very loud. Everyone would hear us. Then we
(08:40):
just have to make the jackhammer. That's impossible. Hold on,
if we can't make the jackhammer quiet, then we just
need to find something even louder and that will drown
us out. But there's people all over the school. We
can't make every room loud. Then we'll wait till everyone's
in one room. The Talent show correct a moondo, and
this year there will be an extra loud performance from
(09:02):
the band The Three Billboards, the name I came up with.
It sounds like we better get practicing. Attention, Brewster High.
The Talent Show is about to begin in the auditorium
with Principal Fairweather as your MC. I want to guess
what my talent is. Make you peer your bounce face. Hello,
(09:26):
Brewster High. It is my honor, as principal of your school,
to host this year's talent show. Now are you ready
to get jiggy? All right? Listen to you on ungrateful,
fucking Prince. I will not start this talent show until
I hear a fucking, legitimately enthusiastic response. Now I'm gonna
(09:48):
ask you one more time, are you ready to get jiggy? Now?
That's what I'm talking about. All For our first act,
we have Jenny Freshman something or other doing her famous
tap dancing routine. Take it away, Jenny. Okay, Hi, Geffen.
(10:20):
In case you guys forgot, I'm going to go over
the plan one more time. Right now, we're backstage at
the Talent Show, already in progress. When it's our turn
to go on, we will signal Brendan Dexter, who are
in the basement waiting. Then they'll start jackhammering to break
into the vault. Has anyone heard from them? They just texted,
all right, Tell them to sit tight. Geffen, got our
instruments all set, all tuned up, and ready to go. Clara,
(10:43):
We're gonna play so loud they're gonna have permanent hearing loss.
But there's still a few more acts ahead of us.
Thank you, Jenny. Wow, that little girl, Sir knows how
to tap out a dance. Our next act is ventrilla
quist Lucy and her dummy Sawbones. Take it away, Lucia.
(11:09):
I'm Lucia, and this is my best friend, Sawbones, some friend.
You keep me locked in a trunk three hundred sixty
four days a year. Now, now, Sawbones, you should count
your blessings when you should count my fingers, especially the
middle one. If you have a complaint, Sawbones, just go
(11:30):
ahead and tell me. But I have some complaints of
my own. First of all, he smell like what if
the bag? So honestly, Lucia, Hey, Mr Nelson, can I
read my next paragraph to you? Real quick? Go ahead? Clara,
I thought you'd never ask. So. While the Talent Show continued,
(11:52):
Dexter and Brin were in the basement waiting for the
three billboards to go on so they could jack him
or open the safe without anyone noticing what was in
that's safe. Only time and a jackhammer can tell, and
also probably an inventory on file in the office. Good paragraph.
But shouldn't you be getting back to the talent show?
Your bands going on soon? Oh? Yeah, I have to
(12:14):
get back to I'm going to be performing my magic
act and you will not believe your ears. Thank you
Lucia and her Dummiesbbones, well who likes mines? Next up
(12:36):
is tenth grader Adrian to show off her my work. Now,
are you ready to get ja? Yeah? Yes, that's the
spirit Adrian, take it away? Ye wow, Thank you Adrian.
(13:25):
I almost believed you were actually walking against a very
strong wind. Now if you thought that sounded amazing, let's
hear it for eleventh grader Liam, who will show us
the miracle of juggling. So anyone can juggle a few
bowling pins. But what if I juggled three puppies? Maybe
(13:48):
juggling puppies isn't your think? What if I juggled one
cleaver and two puppies? My friend is my fenders. Everyone,
let's give Liam a hand. In fact, let's give back
his own hands so they can rejudge it. Liam knew
(14:11):
he was going to be juggling today, and I bet
he didn't think he'd be juggling his own fingers. Now
who here likes magic? I see you? Well, you're in
luck because today we have amateur magician and brewster Highs
history and journalism teacher Otis Nelson. All right, thank you presidigitation, alchemy, divination,
(14:40):
history and magic often go hand in hand. I bet
none of you knew or cared that I was a magician. Yes,
Principal fair Weather, I realized that's simply the act of
educating young minds is itself a form of magic. But
the magic that I, in fact him talking about is
the kind that's going to blow your mind. Now, May
(15:01):
I please have a volunteer from this audience? Al right? Um, yes, yes,
you Charlie, the guy who makes the p A announcements,
as they say on the prices, right, get your ass
on down here, all right, all right, Charlie, say hello
(15:23):
to Brewster High. Hello, Brewster High. Can you tell everyone
here Charlie what I'm holding in my hand right now?
It's a very tiny elephant. Now you can go ahead
and hold him, and he is indeed real, yep. I
want you to go ahead and pick a card from
this deck of cards. All right, Just go ahead and
(15:43):
take that one. I'm going to close my eyes and
put a mask over my head now, Charlie, I would
like you to feed that card to the tiny elephant,
all right. Next, I want you to take that tiny
elephant and put it down on the X on the floor.
(16:04):
I've done it. Now turn back around. What do you see?
The elephant is full size? Now, guys, you've got to
listen to this magic act. It is amazing. Magic is
(16:25):
for kids, Geffen, Charlie. Elephants love peanuts, right, everyone knows that,
I guess. So come on, Charlie, I haven't you ever
seen Dumbo? They love peanuts. That's why Principal Fairweather is
bringing that vat of peanut butter onto the stage. Thank
you very much, Principle fair Weather. You're welcome. Charlie. Those
(16:48):
clothes you were wearing when you came up on stage,
we're pretty fancy, am I right? Yes, we don't want
to mess them up, so I like you to take
them all off, just stripped down all the way to
make it all right. I guess you're a great sports Charlie.
Isn't it a great sport? Okay? I still can't see
(17:08):
you through this mask? Are you fully undressed like we
can see your genitals and everything? Yeah? I'm fully naked
right now. So climb into that tub of peanut butter
and roll around it. Really coat yourself in that peanut butter.
Just tell me when you're done. Um, okay, I'm done, fantastic.
(17:33):
Hold on there, buddy, we'll feed you soon. You see, Charlie,
I purposely starved our elephant, haven't fed him in weeks,
and he must be really hungry about now, and today
you're his lunch. Dude. You're really missing out on something
special over here. I am trying to get in the
zone here. So standing on the elephant's mouth, all covered
in that peanut butter, and just let it eat you up,
(17:56):
just swallow a whole. Now it's gonna be taking my mask.
And that is a big elephant. So are you in
the belly? Now? Hide? Great? Now? Feel around? Is he
If you can find that playing card at eight earlier?
(18:16):
I think I got it. Can I come out? Now?
What do you think? Audience? Can we let Charlie out? Alright?
One thing you might not realize, but an elephant skin
is six inches thick. Principal Fairweather, could you bring me
that chainsaw please? One chain's not coming up. Next. I
(18:37):
will use this chainsaw to cut this elephant open, and
while I'm at it, slice it up into a dozen
smaller pieces suitable for grilling on your barbecue grill. Are
you ready? Charlie, here goes. It's supposed to be real magic.
(18:57):
There is no other explanation. It's just a trick. The
chainsaws made of felt, and the elephant is collapsible. Come on, no,
don't don't fight me, don't fight Oh, welcome back, Charlie.
(19:18):
Who's dark in there? All right? Now, let's see your car?
Can you say the name of the card to the audience,
The Night of Clubs? And was that your car? No?
It was the Jack of Diamonds. And h Charlie, when
did you get a tattoo on your forehead? Huh? What tattoo? Here?
(19:41):
Look in this mirror, it's the Jack of Diamonds. Holy
sh it. Oh when you got to put your clothes
b god, Charlie almost forgot Hanks, I was getting cold.
Let's have a big hand for Charlie, everybody. And that
was the magic of Otis Nelson. Our final act for
this year's Talent Show is a new band made up
(20:03):
of her own Clara, Hide and Geffen. They call themselves
The Three Billboards, and they've got a brand new sound
that I think you're gotta like. Please get ready to
get jiggy with not Three Billboard's hut you up. You
should be on stage. Hold your horses. Geffen Hides got
to called Dexter and brit and let them know they
(20:23):
can start jackhammering. Pick up, pick up, dextra. Here, it's time.
We're going on stage right now. You and Wren should
get started. Got it, We're on. Let's go and here
(20:44):
they come the Three Billows. Hey, what's that sound? Shoot?
They started jack hammering already, one, three, four, I'm Gevin,
(21:08):
We're the Three Billboards. Good night everybody, guys. We have
to go to the vault right now. Do you hear
that they love us? We can't let the fans down.
We'll run downstairs, take a quick look, then race back
up and do our encore. We don't have enough time. No,
Claire's right, it's a total rock star move. I once
went to a Patty Lapone sings Broadway concert and she
(21:28):
kept us waiting for a full ten minutes before she
came back on stage. Let's go, Clara, Jeff and Hide.
Did you find anything in the vault before we show you?
Do any of you get easily alarmed or of an
otherwise sensitive demeanor. We can handle a Dexter. Then take
a look at this. Oh my God, Is that what
(21:54):
I think it is? How do you get there? How
would I even begin to describe this? Next time on
Brewster High, do you know people pay atrially have sex
in an authentic teenager's bedroom mainly married people having affairs?
And ten thousand words on tree Bark for the next issue,
I had a camera in my iPhone. We all have
(22:14):
cameras in our iPhone. Boy, can you not make me
feel small right now? I'm sorry, but it's just my personality.
Machines can't lie. Everybody knows that lie down, but on
your side like Kay Winslet and Titanic, you know when
he's painting her naked, as kool Aid would say, Oh yeah.
This episode of Brewster High was written and directed by
(22:37):
Jonathan Stern. It was performed by Lelan Bowden, Jared Goldstein,
Greg Hess, Peter Kim, Mike McCafferty, Veronica Saudio, Shakira Jane Pay,
Dwayne Perkins, Anna Saragina Sager Shake, and Amy Silverberg. Executive
produced by Keith Quinn and Jonathan Stern. Produced by Frannie Baldwin,
Jack Brungart, Natalie Gurgery and Dave Solinger. Music by mc novak,
Greg Martin, and Alison Newman. The supervising sound editor was
(23:00):
Julie Diaz and the sound editor was Jack de Crane.
Mixed by Brent Kaiser Sound Design and mixed at Unbridled
Sound Brewster High was a production of abominable pictures and
honorable mention for I heart Media. Here's a question, why
do they call it easy listening? It's anything but
Previously on Brewster High. Let me get this straight. Brady Brewster,
the most popular guy at our school, mysteriously went missing
a few nights ago. Who's mature girl forty eight? Claire
and I figured out who mature girl forty eight is.
It's Mrs Bagley, our home max teacher. Brady was having
an affair with Mrs Bagley, student teacher affair. That's the
first that note was in code. Brady and I aren't
(00:24):
having an affair. I'm not blinking, Brady. They can try
out our one, a new cutting edge autonomous robotic vacuum cleaning. Hey,
I'm Seifeld. What's the deal with sucks? Good morning Verster High.
(00:48):
There's just enough time for Clara to stop by the
newspaper classroom and talk to Mr Nelson before first period. Hey,
Mr Nelson, have a minute. Oh sure, Clara, But I
better not be to ask me for sage advice about
important life issues. I'm not that kind of teacher. No,
I'm the kind of teacher that teacher woud passed in
the parking lot but would not pay attention to. I
(01:10):
need a little help on my article. Why do you
read back to me what you've got so far picking
up from where I left off last time, the three
billboards set up in front of school delivered vital plot
information to everyone at once. While it's true that Brady
and Mrs Bagley were exchanging secret messages, the amorous language
was actually co Yeah, you've got the reader's attention now
(01:33):
reeling in. True, some of their messages were dirty talk,
but that was only flirting. Everyone knows that flirting isn't cheating.
What they were really communicating about was the surprise party
they were planning for Coach Bagley. Well, you've got a
lot of dangling mysteries, or as we like to call
them in journalism threads, like who put up those billboards?
(01:53):
Nobody knows, but I've got a name for him, the
billboard bandit. Bandit is someone who takes things. It seems
like you're and it puts things up. What's the opposite
a bandit? You find the answer that question, you'll have
your story. I'll get right on it. Mr Nelson. Also,
I need to use some old fashioned reporting this week
the annual school Talent Show. You need to cover that
(02:14):
and get me six columns by Monday, can do Hey?
Feel free to come back and read me new paragraphs
sporadically anytime. It helps me keep tracking what's going on. Careful,
I just might take you up on that good morning
verst Or High. The north parking lot will be off
limits for the rest of the week. Attention Dexter, if
you're looking for Britt, she's in the south hallway cleaning
(02:36):
graffiti in her capacity as a part time janitor. Hey, brand,
what you're doing cleaning the hallway walls? Janitor Gordy has
been giving me so much work. Really has it in
for you? Huh? This graffiti goes on all the way
around the corner, and I have to clean all of
it by myself. You're never by yourself when you have friends.
(02:56):
I'll give you a hand. Isn't your assignment usually sweeping
off the lunch. There's a new robot cleaner that does
that now instead of me. It's called the R one thousand.
It's only a matter of time before I get laid
off robots. Next thing you know, they'll have robots stocking
the shellows at Amazon warehouses. Maybe we should sabotage the
robot vacuum cleaner. I'll pretend to throw up in the hallway,
(03:19):
but I'll mix in some quick drying cement, so when
the R one thousand mops it up, it'll harden inside
of it and sees it up. Great idea. I love it.
What do you love, brin Urschino ship you just said
I love it. What were you referring to, Brian? I
don't remember. It sounded to me like you were planning
(03:39):
something in violation of the student handbook. Does that jog
your memory, Brian? I'll ask you again, and what do
you love? We were talking about how much we love
playing hop scotch and you weren't talking about sabotaging me.
It was just hop Scotch squares jumping line is in
violation of the Student Code of Conduct Section eight. Well,
your attitude in violation of my dick. Why don't you
(04:02):
go buff out some old gum and then take your
mom pet and shove it up your ha. Oh, you
have a built in taser. There is much about me
you don't know. I suggest you don't test me. If
you require medical attention, I can provide you with step
by step directions to the nurse's office. Britta Maraschino, please
(04:25):
resume cleaning at your earliest convenience. That robot vacuum cleaner
is a real piece of ship. May I have your attention?
This Thursday is the annual Talent Show. If you want
to be in the Talent Show, the sign up shade
is now posted in the office. Thank you? Are you
performing anything? The only talent I have is a talent
(04:45):
for picking the wrong boyfriend. But realistically, I don't know
how well that would go over in a talent show.
How would you keep that entertaining for five minutes? By
five months? This is a special announcement for just three people,
but I'm using the school pa system to make it
(05:06):
so everyone else can hear what they're missing. Clara and Hide,
please make definite his garage for band rehearsals and one
and a two and a one to three. We sound
(05:26):
pretty good. Our band is gonna kick some serious ass
in the Talent Show. I mean serious ass. Maybe it's
finally time we come up with a name for ourselves. Well,
there are three of us, me, Devan, you Hide and
you Clara, So maybe our band name should be something
that comes in threes, like Three's Company. What about the
primary colors? No, how about the little pigs, tricycle wheels,
(05:50):
free piece suits. I think the band has to have
a name that you know means something to the students
in Brewster High, like the mysterious three billboards someone put
up outside of the school. It's exactly, Oh my god, guys,
I've got the hearts settled where the three billboards? Let's jam? Hey,
(06:14):
Mr Nelson, quick check in to run another paragraph past
you shoot hide. Geffen and Clara were really jelling as
a band. The rest of the school, however, was being
tormented by this new asshole robot vacuum cleaner. One note,
it's weird that you refer to yourself as Clara. You're Clara.
Just put it in the first person. I don't remember
asking for your opinion, so I guess you can just
(06:35):
go fund yourself. I am an autonomous robot vacuum cleaner
Model R one thousand, the latest technology and educational assistance.
Please vacate the hallway. You must go to your parent class. Hey, Dexter,
who got that? Are one thousand rooming the holes like
it owns the place? Please do not deposit your gun
(06:56):
rapper on the floor. A clean hallway benefits us all.
You're right, Our one thousand is a total dick, doesn't it? Ever?
Run out of electricity. Looks like it's said it to
the basement. That's following. I've never been to this part
of the basement before. Do you think this is where
it comes to recharge? Where did our one thousand go?
(07:19):
I think through that slot in the wall. What's that
over there in the corner. It's a big metal box
with a combination lock in the front. That sounds like
a vault. What does a high school need with a vault?
What does anyone need with a vault to vault something
or to hide something? We can find Clara and Hide
and Geffen in Geffen's garage. They're rehearsing from the talent show.
Let's go Clara, Dexter, Hide. Don't start rehearsing yet. There's
(07:58):
something important we have to tell Clara. Anything you say
to Clara you can say in front of us. Uh. Yeah,
we were going to Britain. Dexter. What's up? We found
something in the basement of the school. Sounds like a vault.
We're gonna have to get it open. You know how
to crack a safe. It's locked? Yep. Well, let's just
try all the combinations. How many can there be? At
(08:19):
least a hundred. You guys, that would take us all night.
Maybe we need to do this the hard way we
were talking about sounded pretty hard to me. I mean
hard as a jackhammer hard. My uncle owns a jackhammer store.
I'm sure you let me borrow one overnight. I remember correctly.
Jackhammers are very loud. Everyone would hear us. Then we
(08:40):
just have to make the jackhammer. That's impossible. Hold on,
if we can't make the jackhammer quiet, then we just
need to find something even louder and that will drown
us out. But there's people all over the school. We
can't make every room loud. Then we'll wait till everyone's
in one room. The Talent show correct a moondo, and
this year there will be an extra loud performance from
(09:02):
the band The Three Billboards, the name I came up with.
It sounds like we better get practicing. Attention, Brewster High.
The Talent Show is about to begin in the auditorium
with Principal Fairweather as your MC. I want to guess
what my talent is. Make you peer your bounce face. Hello,
(09:26):
Brewster High. It is my honor, as principal of your school,
to host this year's talent show. Now are you ready
to get jiggy? All right? Listen to you on ungrateful,
fucking Prince. I will not start this talent show until
I hear a fucking, legitimately enthusiastic response. Now I'm gonna
(09:48):
ask you one more time, are you ready to get jiggy? Now?
That's what I'm talking about. All For our first act,
we have Jenny Freshman something or other doing her famous
tap dancing routine. Take it away, Jenny. Okay, Hi, Geffen.
(10:20):
In case you guys forgot, I'm going to go over
the plan one more time. Right now, we're backstage at
the Talent Show, already in progress. When it's our turn
to go on, we will signal Brendan Dexter, who are
in the basement waiting. Then they'll start jackhammering to break
into the vault. Has anyone heard from them? They just texted,
all right, Tell them to sit tight. Geffen, got our
instruments all set, all tuned up, and ready to go. Clara,
(10:43):
We're gonna play so loud they're gonna have permanent hearing loss.
But there's still a few more acts ahead of us.
Thank you, Jenny. Wow, that little girl, Sir knows how
to tap out a dance. Our next act is ventrilla
quist Lucy and her dummy Sawbones. Take it away, Lucia.
(11:09):
I'm Lucia, and this is my best friend, Sawbones, some friend.
You keep me locked in a trunk three hundred sixty
four days a year. Now, now, Sawbones, you should count
your blessings when you should count my fingers, especially the
middle one. If you have a complaint, Sawbones, just go
(11:30):
ahead and tell me. But I have some complaints of
my own. First of all, he smell like what if
the bag? So honestly, Lucia, Hey, Mr Nelson, can I
read my next paragraph to you? Real quick? Go ahead? Clara,
I thought you'd never ask. So. While the Talent Show continued,
(11:52):
Dexter and Brin were in the basement waiting for the
three billboards to go on so they could jack him
or open the safe without anyone noticing what was in
that's safe. Only time and a jackhammer can tell, and
also probably an inventory on file in the office. Good paragraph.
But shouldn't you be getting back to the talent show?
Your bands going on soon? Oh? Yeah, I have to
(12:14):
get back to I'm going to be performing my magic
act and you will not believe your ears. Thank you
Lucia and her Dummiesbbones, well who likes mines? Next up
(12:36):
is tenth grader Adrian to show off her my work. Now,
are you ready to get ja? Yeah? Yes, that's the
spirit Adrian, take it away? Ye wow, Thank you Adrian.
(13:25):
I almost believed you were actually walking against a very
strong wind. Now if you thought that sounded amazing, let's
hear it for eleventh grader Liam, who will show us
the miracle of juggling. So anyone can juggle a few
bowling pins. But what if I juggled three puppies? Maybe
(13:48):
juggling puppies isn't your think? What if I juggled one
cleaver and two puppies? My friend is my fenders. Everyone,
let's give Liam a hand. In fact, let's give back
his own hands so they can rejudge it. Liam knew
(14:11):
he was going to be juggling today, and I bet
he didn't think he'd be juggling his own fingers. Now
who here likes magic? I see you? Well, you're in
luck because today we have amateur magician and brewster Highs
history and journalism teacher Otis Nelson. All right, thank you presidigitation, alchemy, divination,
(14:40):
history and magic often go hand in hand. I bet
none of you knew or cared that I was a magician. Yes,
Principal fair Weather, I realized that's simply the act of
educating young minds is itself a form of magic. But
the magic that I, in fact him talking about is
the kind that's going to blow your mind. Now, May
(15:01):
I please have a volunteer from this audience? Al right? Um, yes, yes,
you Charlie, the guy who makes the p A announcements,
as they say on the prices, right, get your ass
on down here, all right, all right, Charlie, say hello
(15:23):
to Brewster High. Hello, Brewster High. Can you tell everyone
here Charlie what I'm holding in my hand right now?
It's a very tiny elephant. Now you can go ahead
and hold him, and he is indeed real, yep. I
want you to go ahead and pick a card from
this deck of cards. All right, Just go ahead and
(15:43):
take that one. I'm going to close my eyes and
put a mask over my head now, Charlie, I would
like you to feed that card to the tiny elephant,
all right. Next, I want you to take that tiny
elephant and put it down on the X on the floor.
(16:04):
I've done it. Now turn back around. What do you see?
The elephant is full size? Now, guys, you've got to
listen to this magic act. It is amazing. Magic is
(16:25):
for kids, Geffen, Charlie. Elephants love peanuts, right, everyone knows that,
I guess. So come on, Charlie, I haven't you ever
seen Dumbo? They love peanuts. That's why Principal Fairweather is
bringing that vat of peanut butter onto the stage. Thank
you very much, Principle fair Weather. You're welcome. Charlie. Those
(16:48):
clothes you were wearing when you came up on stage,
we're pretty fancy, am I right? Yes, we don't want
to mess them up, so I like you to take
them all off, just stripped down all the way to
make it all right. I guess you're a great sports Charlie.
Isn't it a great sport? Okay? I still can't see
(17:08):
you through this mask? Are you fully undressed like we
can see your genitals and everything? Yeah? I'm fully naked
right now. So climb into that tub of peanut butter
and roll around it. Really coat yourself in that peanut butter.
Just tell me when you're done. Um, okay, I'm done, fantastic.
(17:33):
Hold on there, buddy, we'll feed you soon. You see, Charlie,
I purposely starved our elephant, haven't fed him in weeks,
and he must be really hungry about now, and today
you're his lunch. Dude. You're really missing out on something
special over here. I am trying to get in the
zone here. So standing on the elephant's mouth, all covered
in that peanut butter, and just let it eat you up,
(17:56):
just swallow a whole. Now it's gonna be taking my mask.
And that is a big elephant. So are you in
the belly? Now? Hide? Great? Now? Feel around? Is he
If you can find that playing card at eight earlier?
(18:16):
I think I got it. Can I come out? Now?
What do you think? Audience? Can we let Charlie out? Alright?
One thing you might not realize, but an elephant skin
is six inches thick. Principal Fairweather, could you bring me
that chainsaw please? One chain's not coming up. Next. I
(18:37):
will use this chainsaw to cut this elephant open, and
while I'm at it, slice it up into a dozen
smaller pieces suitable for grilling on your barbecue grill. Are
you ready? Charlie, here goes. It's supposed to be real magic.
(18:57):
There is no other explanation. It's just a trick. The
chainsaws made of felt, and the elephant is collapsible. Come on, no,
don't don't fight me, don't fight Oh, welcome back, Charlie.
(19:18):
Who's dark in there? All right? Now, let's see your car?
Can you say the name of the card to the audience,
The Night of Clubs? And was that your car? No?
It was the Jack of Diamonds. And h Charlie, when
did you get a tattoo on your forehead? Huh? What tattoo? Here?
(19:41):
Look in this mirror, it's the Jack of Diamonds. Holy
sh it. Oh when you got to put your clothes
b god, Charlie almost forgot Hanks, I was getting cold.
Let's have a big hand for Charlie, everybody. And that
was the magic of Otis Nelson. Our final act for
this year's Talent Show is a new band made up
(20:03):
of her own Clara, Hide and Geffen. They call themselves
The Three Billboards, and they've got a brand new sound
that I think you're gotta like. Please get ready to
get jiggy with not Three Billboard's hut you up. You
should be on stage. Hold your horses. Geffen Hides got
to called Dexter and brit and let them know they
(20:23):
can start jackhammering. Pick up, pick up, dextra. Here, it's time.
We're going on stage right now. You and Wren should
get started. Got it, We're on. Let's go and here
(20:44):
they come the Three Billows. Hey, what's that sound? Shoot?
They started jack hammering already, one, three, four, I'm Gevin,
(21:08):
We're the Three Billboards. Good night everybody, guys. We have
to go to the vault right now. Do you hear
that they love us? We can't let the fans down.
We'll run downstairs, take a quick look, then race back
up and do our encore. We don't have enough time. No,
Claire's right, it's a total rock star move. I once
went to a Patty Lapone sings Broadway concert and she
(21:28):
kept us waiting for a full ten minutes before she
came back on stage. Let's go, Clara, Jeff and Hide.
Did you find anything in the vault before we show you?
Do any of you get easily alarmed or of an
otherwise sensitive demeanor. We can handle a Dexter. Then take
a look at this. Oh my God, Is that what
(21:54):
I think it is? How do you get there? How
would I even begin to describe this? Next time on
Brewster High, do you know people pay atrially have sex
in an authentic teenager's bedroom mainly married people having affairs?
And ten thousand words on tree Bark for the next issue,
I had a camera in my iPhone. We all have
(22:14):
cameras in our iPhone. Boy, can you not make me
feel small right now? I'm sorry, but it's just my personality.
Machines can't lie. Everybody knows that lie down, but on
your side like Kay Winslet and Titanic, you know when
he's painting her naked, as kool Aid would say, Oh yeah.
This episode of Brewster High was written and directed by
(22:37):
Jonathan Stern. It was performed by Lelan Bowden, Jared Goldstein,
Greg Hess, Peter Kim, Mike McCafferty, Veronica Saudio, Shakira Jane Pay,
Dwayne Perkins, Anna Saragina Sager Shake, and Amy Silverberg. Executive
produced by Keith Quinn and Jonathan Stern. Produced by Frannie Baldwin,
Jack Brungart, Natalie Gurgery and Dave Solinger. Music by mc novak,
Greg Martin, and Alison Newman. The supervising sound editor was
(23:00):
Julie Diaz and the sound editor was Jack de Crane.
Mixed by Brent Kaiser Sound Design and mixed at Unbridled
Sound Brewster High was a production of abominable pictures and
honorable mention for I heart Media. Here's a question, why
do they call it easy listening? It's anything but
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