Episode 7 - I've Always Wanted to Ship Two Teachers Together

Principal Fairweather and Otis Nelson are in cranky moods. The solution? Ship them together!

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:01):
Previously on Brewster High. If we want to start winning again,
we have to forget about Brady as if he's never
coming back. Hi, guys, I'm back. Brady Brewster is back.
I need more time for my article. No one cares
about that anymore, Clara, I was just with Principal fair Weather,
and she says that Principal fair Weather is the one
who killed the story. Mr Nelson, it's me, Clara. How

(00:27):
come the door to the newspaper room is locked. I
don't want anyone to see me like this. Please let
me in. I need to get my typewriter. It's over
there by the table, but you won't be needing it anymore.
Do you want a glass? What come? Scotch? Is that?

(00:48):
I don't know what's from the dollar tree? There weren't
any labels. What's going on? Mr Nelson? We're done, Clara.
That expose about Principal fair Weather. You put on your
subject blog for the record. You pushed buttons you shouldn't
have pushed, whole levers you shouldn't have pulled, turned knobs
you shouldn't have turned. And then don't even get me
started about the police. The Principal Fairweather shut us down.

(01:12):
That's bullshit. There must be something we can do. No,
it's over. This isn't an LCD sound system situation where
we do a farewell tour and then come right back.
But my story not everything is about you, Clara. It's
not about me at all. You care too much. Sometimes
in the newspaper trade, Clara, all that matters is the
number of words you type. Carry it up. Boys on

(01:35):
staff wants to get in here. Soon. They're turning it
all into a storage space for the cafeterias. Extra soup,
that's the movers. What are you gonna do now? I
don't know. I guess I'll keep teaching history in the middle.
I'll do with my free nights weekends. And I poured
everything I had in this paper, even when fair Weather
told me it was unnecessary. Oh this, Nelson, this is

(01:55):
a school newspaper. Nobody cares about it. You're a delusional
she'd say, Well, here's her. I guess she was finally right. Oh,
Mr Nelson, I'm sorry. Now leave me alone. I need
to listen to Adele and cry. Okay my advice, Clara,
Journalism is dead, all right? Get that super coming? Boys,

(02:18):
Can you at least wait until I clear my stuff
right here on the desk. All right, this is Clara
trying out my new dictation software notes for my substack
blog called for the record, I just left the newspaper
classroom where Mr Nelson is drowning and cut rate scotch.
Why is Principal Fairweather so eager to shut down the

(02:38):
newspaper and block my reporting question mark? I must be
onto something Comma, but whatever it is remains elusive. Period
And that concludes the morning announcements. Now a personal message
from all of us here in the PA booth. Welcome

(02:59):
Brady on your first day back to Brewster High. Also,
we all came up with a new nickname for you.
It's Frisbro. We hope you enjoy having it as much
as we did coming up with it. In other words,
a lot, yeah, good to be back. Thanks wells Bro.

(03:20):
Mrs Bagley always a sight for sore eyes, especially after
where I've been. Where was that? I don't remember? I
have amnesia. I don't remember anything from the past three weeks.
Looks like your first day back is going nicely, Brady.
It really is, Clara and I plan to milk it.
Check it out. Here comes Charlie the p a announcer guy.
He looks mad. You really mess things up for me, Clara.

(03:43):
Not only did you get the newspaper canceled, but now
Principal Fairweather's riding my ass about pi A announcements. It's
not my fault. Stop the presses, Clara's a chad. Stop
the best you got. Yes, I did a lot of
research on newspaper specifics. I thought that was a winner.
I guess not. The audience is never wrong. I'll do
better next time. Sorry. Also, each ship, Clara can't and

(04:06):
full from your mom's. She caught me again. Oh snap,
as good a morning as I'm having, you're having the
opposite a bad morning. This is what I meant. Let's
get class and meet up with our friends at the
coffee shop. Sounds good. We love hanging out at the
coffee shop. All text Steffin in Hide and you text
Dexter and Brant. Oh you better text Brant too. If
I do, I'm afraid she'll get the wrong idea, the

(04:28):
idea that you both are casually having sex together. Exactly
keyword casually. If I text her, she'll think we're getting married.
It's neat having you back and everything, Brady, But something
just doesn't sit right with me about where you've been.
Whatever happened for the past three weeks must have been

(04:49):
a run of the male case of short term total amnesia.
There's nothing suspicious about it, guys. Everything is suspicious about it.
This is a classic psychological phenomenon. Clara. You had a
hypothesis and then you wasted any new information to fit
that hypothesis. It's called confirmation bias. I learned about it
on a commercial for Adam Ruins Everything. Well, I guess

(05:10):
it's time to get back to class. That was so
smart for them to install a school bell here in
the coffee shop. Hey hide, uh can we talk for
a minute, sure, Brady, I want to rejuvenate our friendship
and also I'm working on rebranding. Would you be into
starting band? Yeah? Well, here's the thing, Clara, Geffin and
Night we already started a band and it's a trio. Great,

(05:33):
then I'll be or fourth. Then it wouldn't be a
trio anymore, it'd be a quartet. Rock bands are never
four people. Are you sure about that? Yeah? I mean
the Police, the Beastie Boys, Link two Ben Folds five,
all trios and I know what you're gonna say Ben
Folds five isn't five people despite the name. Look, what's
important is we'd be doing something together again. So can

(05:55):
I join? Brady? How could I say no? And yet? No? Hey, Brady,
can we talk for a minute just confirming that you
and I are going to a charity ball together? Aren't we? Okay,
I'll level with you. I'm not sure I want to go?
Are you kidding? We've been excited about this all year.
You've been excited about it. I've been just sort of

(06:16):
is it me? It's not you, it's I can't say it.
You can tell me anything, Brady, Okay. The truth is
I don't feel comfortable dancing in public. I'm a great
dancer in private, but in front of a lot of people,
I guess I just can't do it. The word that
gets tossed around the most often is lethargic. Oh, Brady,
I never knew. Okay, So here's what we're gonna do.

(06:39):
I'll go to a dance on my own and have
a great time, and you stay home alone like some
sort of loser. See you? Hey, Hi, can we talk
for a minute? Shirt extra? What do you want to
talk about? We're still going out right. Oh my god,
of course cool. We just hadn't checked in on that
for a while, and I wanted to close the loop
on that storyline. Hey Clara, can we talk for a minute.

(07:02):
Do you want to tell me I'm wrong about everything?
To Britan No, I wanted to tell you that I
believe you. Something doesn't add up. Don't give up your
substat blog. I know it's expensive, but I've actually got
that covered. I have an angel investor who's paying the
cost of the whole thing. Amazing. Who here's the fun part.

(07:23):
They're anonymous. Hey, Geffen, can we talk for a minute?
What up? Dexter? It seems like everyone here is at
a one on one moment with everyone else except you
and me, So if we could just talk about something
you got it. Let's talk about how we're on our
way to Mr Nelson's history class. Oh boy, he's been
in a lousy mood ever since Principal Fairweather shut down

(07:44):
the school newspaper. His class is really going to be
something that bell means. It's time for fifth period Mr
Nelson's history class. When we start, as soon as I
finish saying this announcement, now, al right, everybody settled down.

(08:11):
Settle down, people, people, please settle down. Let's bring it
Let's bring it down, guys, let's bring it down. Dial
it down. Plays three to one. Um, we were totally
settled down already before you said that you're suspended? Anyone
else want to mess around today instead of studying history?
Answer me? People, Uh no, that's it. You're suspended to

(08:33):
Why now you're suspended? But you just suspended me five
seconds ago? Do you want to get a third suspension?
Do the suspensions run concurrently? Get down on my classroom.
All right, everybody, helpd up your history books to chapter
twenty nine. You're right, dexter. Mr Nelson really isn't a
terrible mood today? Quiet geff in? Do you want to

(08:53):
get us suspended? Two? Al right? On June Arch Duke
Ferdinand was in fascinated by a member of the Young Bosnia.
It is a terrific historical example of how one person's
actions can affect tens of thousands of lives. And that's
why we study history. Oh that's how you spell history.

(09:16):
The past teaches us about the present. For example, if
there was someone in the Middle Ages who got the
London school newspaper shutdown. We could analyze what they did
and avoid making the same mistake. And you guys get that.
I'm t gently talking about Clara right because Clara got
the school newspaper canceled. Oh that's how you spell newspaper

(09:38):
very good. Now in I'm really worried about Mr Nelson.
What can we do to help him? He needs something
he can obsess over and put a lot of time
and energy into. I've got it, a romantic relationship I've
always wanted to ship to teachers together. It'll be like
slash fiction, but with real, actual people. And that's how

(10:00):
America got out of Vietnam. Your homework is the Red
chapters thirty three through eighty nine. By tomorrow, what that'll
take every waking moment, we're not gonna have lives. Welcome
to the club. Also, your suspended, but you already suspended me.
That's how I was just kidding this time. I mean,
when are you kidding this time? Triple suspension? Hey, Geffen,

(10:22):
let's finish this conversation in the hallway where Mr Nelson
can hear us. Okay, so who should we hook him
up with? Which teachers are single? Five minutes still, next class, No,
dawdling everybody, definitely, no flirting. Principal fair Weather has been
a nightmare all week. I think your divorce just got finalized.
Watch out, she's coming this way. Hey, no running in
the halls. Run. I don't know who goes a ship? Gevin?

(10:45):
That's it? What will ship? Mr? Nelson with Principal fair Weather?
Are you sure you're using the term ship correctly? Don't
you dare question my use of modern slang, especially when
it comes to fan fiction. But how are we going
to do this? First we plant the seeds. I'll take
Mr Nelson and you take fair Weather. Then we'll arrange
for them to have a rendezvous. I don't know, Dexter,

(11:06):
It's not that easy to just put two people together
and expect sparks to fly. I mean, love is way
more complicated than that. No, love is a simple biochemical reaction,
and the human body, under the right conditions, the brain
signals the body to produce hormones that trigger a physiological reaction.
That we've got to create the right conditions, you know.
I read that high stress and fear can mimic those

(11:28):
conditions and bring out the proper hormones and pheromones. I've
got the perfect idea, and as always, it involves a
chemistry lab and space aliens. Thursday lunch break notes for
my substack blog, Slow News Day so far. Hell, look,

(11:49):
there's Brady talking to Hide about something. A man. If
we're not going to start a band, I had an
idea for another thing we could do together. Go on,
all right, full Monty, What is that a card game
or something? A movie? Okay? And it's about a bunch
of average looking dudes who do mail stripping to raise
money for something. We are not average looking. We're young

(12:10):
and attractive and have amazing hot thoughts. Exactly, that's the twist.
So you and I will go around and take off
our clothes and people will just give us money. Where
would we even do that? Wherever married women hang out,
juice bars, kids, birthday parties, out in front of Forever
twenty one. I'm linking this a lot. We have to
find a needy cause though I've got one brand, she

(12:31):
needs money. Okay, then brand it is get Ready World.
You're about to see all you ever wanted to have.
Hide and Brady, that's a little bit more. It's Mr
Nelson's history class again. I wonder what's going to happen today? Okay,
that's it for today's history class. Remember to read chapters
fourteen to eighteen by Monday. Now get out on my

(12:53):
site before I suspend a whole lot of you. Extra,
What are you still doing here? And why are you
standing right in front of me trying to get my attention?
You're in the beef jerky, right? I mean, who isn't? Okay?
Long story short, Principal fair Weather wanted us to give
you this all purpose beef round. Oh what do you
tell her? No? Thanks? All purpose translates to I can't

(13:15):
cook for ship specific spices for specific dishes, kid, don't
let anyone tell you different. Wait a minute, this is
good stuff. I mean, I don't know about all purpose,
but it would work on jerky. She made this herself.
What an unusual woman. There's a lot about Principal fair Weather.
You don't know. Oh, I almost forgot. She told me
to tell you to meet her in the chemistry lab

(13:37):
first thing tomorrow morning. She said something about finding out
if you both had chemistry. She said, you know what
that means, but should be told it's pretty obvious the
chemistry lab. Huh. Thanks Stextra, you can go now. Also,
you're suspended. Let me just take a moment to text
my friend Jeffen Geffen. As George Bush would say, mission

(13:59):
account a polished. Now it's your turn. Do you always
say out loud exactly what you're texting? Meanwhile, in Principal
Fairweather's office, what's Geffen up to? Principal Fairweather? The other
students and I are sorready hear about your divorce. We
pulled some money together and paid someone to steal this
bottle of tequila from my dad's car. We hope we

(14:20):
condule some of the pain. Thank you, Geff. But how
did you all find out? Well, to start with, you
stopped wearing your wedding ring or talking about anything other
than your divorce. Now then he brought it up. I
did have a rough time during my divorce twelve years
down the drain. I know you probably don't want to
discuss your personal life with a student, so I'll just Geffen,
Am I ever going to have sex again? I know

(14:41):
everyone says that after a breakup, but at some point
everyone has sex for the last time without realizing it
that that last time happened out of boredom because we
couldn't get Netflix to connect. I get it. Divorce sucks.
In fact, just yesterday Mr Nelson was telling me how
worry was about you. He said, your husband must be
an if he was letting a woman as incredible as

(15:02):
you go. Otis Nelson said that more or less, I
am in a pretty bad place and looking to go
zero to sixty with someone like immediately. For what it's worth,
Mr Nelson told me to tell you to meet him
in the chem lab first thing tomorrow morning. Huh, I
wonder if we'll have chemistry nice one, Principal fair Weather.

(15:25):
Oh well, back to class for me. I just need
to text my friend Dexter. First, Dexter all set. She
bought it hook line and sinker. You kids sure have
a funny way of saying out loud exactly what you're texting.
Sounds like you're selling some fishing equipment. I should put
you in touch with my cousin. He has a boat
outside of Lake Erie. Thursday night Notes for for the record,

(15:52):
I just headed over to see Brady and study statistics
and probability I mean, is better now. I'm also looking
for some sort of clue, something that will help solve
the mystery of where Brady has been the past three weeks. Hey, Clara,
can you stop dictating into your phone so we can
get back to study? Okay, Brady? A mean preserving spread
is a change from one probability distribution that's A to

(16:13):
another that's B. I'm not following. Let me put it
into a way that maybe you can understand. Think of
the mean preserving spread in terms of frisbee. You take
an average of all your final scores for this season.
Any team whose averages above that has a better chance
of winning, right Yeah, And from that you can get
a point spread. What's a point spread? When you gamble

(16:35):
on a frisbee game? You need to know the number
of points the stronger team is expected to win. By
gambling on high school sports is illegal? Oh, it's super illegal.
Whatever you want, Brady, What is it? Clara? I can
tell something's on your mind. All right. You weren't at
a wellness resort, Brady, I wasn't. What do you know
the address Principal Fairweather had for you? It turned out

(16:55):
to be a weird bar. I've went there to find
you and only found her a bunch of dad bicyclists.
Were they wearing those tight little shorts and shirts that
said I'm my daughter's bank account like that. A lot
of them were bald And where was I? I was
sort of helping you could tell me the past three
weeks is a total blink. But I appreciate how much
you're worried about me, Clara. So I got you this gift,

(17:18):
a basket of fruit flowers. I thought you hated these things.
What Who in their right mind would hate melon balls
on sharp sticks? Who? Indeed? Well, Tomorrow morning is when
Principal Fairweather and Otis Nelson needed the Ken Lab for
their rendezvous. What they don't realize is that we're going
to create a stressful situation to trigger their love hormones.

(17:41):
I can't wait to see how that goes, or should
I say here how that goes? Good morning, Bruster Hind.
This is a morning pre announcement to give you a
heads up that the morning announcements will begin in approximately
forty minutes from all of us here in the p
A Moon. We hope you have a pleasant pre announcement period.

(18:05):
Principal fair Weather, I was afraid you wouldn't show up
here in the chemistry lab this morning. The morning bell
hasn't wrung yet and you can call me Angie. Well,
here we are, Angie, just a couple of consenting adults,
Principal fair Weather and Otis Nelson. Sounds like some kind
of kids. Show you some homemade beef jerky. I don't

(18:27):
know if you want something. Oh no, I don't eat beef.
It's bad for the cows. Oh true, true, but just
just just try it. That season you sent me is fantastic.
Well I didn't send you any seasoning. Uh well, Dexter
said you. Huh uh. I think those kids might be
trying to set us up. That's crazy. I mean we'd

(18:49):
we'd be a terrible magic. We don't have any chemistry.
Well we do now because we're in a chemistry laugh.
Oh yeah. Detention, Brewster High, this is gifting with your
morning announcements. We're being invaded by space aliens. Space aliens
have taken positions all around town and are at this

(19:10):
very moment moving towards Brewster High. This is some real
war the world's ship going on right now. So find
someone you love holding type because this might be one
of their last moments on Earth. Oh my god, I
knew this is gonna happen sooner or later Also, I've
been asked to mention that any unclaimed items in the
Lost and Found box will be thrown out at the

(19:30):
end of the week. Thank you, and watch out for
the Unions ship who wanted don't look at that? Oh
God t been Lister sing at all? He already enough
faith bullet under this nest. Yes, hold on, father, I've
never been scared of my life. They either did. We'll

(19:52):
be safe here for now. I think these tables a
really enforced though. We should be okay at least for
five to seven minutes. Nelson, you're so really and how
have I never seen it? The boy? Maybe you haven't
loved I'm feeling something. It's a surge of adrenaline hand
and a strong, strong attraction. I don't know how much

(20:15):
longer will be alive, but whatever it is, I want
to spend it with you. Can we spend it having sex?
On a scale one to ten? That's a big yeah?
Congratulations you two. When did you walk in here? Where
did all the alien stuff go? You can remove your

(20:37):
virtual reality goggles now we're not wearing any goggles. Holy cow,
I am wearing VR goggles. Wait a minute, I am too.
I didn't notice they were on. You're still in the
came labs, just like you thought, Well, where are the
aliens and and the spaceships and then the explosions? They
were never here. They were all a digital overlay like

(20:57):
Pokemon Go. Precisely, we were in a game in a sense,
you were playing the game of love. Dexter and I
wanted to give your romance a kickstart, so we created
this fictional crisis to get the juices flowing. Okay, but
how did you get these VR headsets on us without
us noticing? Easy? We stuck them on you in the
middle of the night while you were asleep. You've had
them on since you woke up this morning. How did

(21:20):
you get into our houses? That was a bit more complicated.
Do you remember the food delivery guy who came to
each of your houses? Well that was Dexter. I thought
that was odd because I hadn't ordered food at me neither,
But you ate those pizzas nonetheless, and in the stuffed
crust was a bunch of bendrill. After you were asleep,
Dexter came back in and put the headsets on you.

(21:42):
Hold on, how did you get into our houses? I
know mine was locked earlier? In the day. He bumped
into each of you in the hallways. When he did,
he pulled those keys right out of your pocket, ran
home and made wax molds. When he bumped into again,
he returned them. He took the wax impressions and brought
them to a metal smith. The metal smith's it open
late as a personal favor to my father. First we

(22:02):
filled the wax with a quick heartening silicone shell. That
new mold became the basis for several metal keys that
were smelted right there in his shop. Wow. Not explains
it than thank you, Vin. Now get back to fulling around.
I have a feeling that erlen Meyer Flask wants to
get the Bunsen burning. The principal Fairweather and Otis Nelson's

(22:24):
fresh romance wasn't the only excitement that morning in the
locker room. Brady and Hyde, we're practicing for their upcoming
full Monty show and more importantly, rebuilding their friendship. We
need some way to start our act. Yeah, every act
needs a gimming. Ours is taking off all our clothes
and flopping our junk around. Yeah, but what is the
narrative here? The audience needs a way in a way

(22:46):
to identify with us as characters. Totally agree. I think
we kick it off with one of us saying something like, hey, everybody,
we're about to take off all our clothes. That's what
writer Dan Brown calls making a promise to your unions.
I learned that in his masterclass. And then we deliver
on that promise, one article of clothing at a time.
But you know what could help music? When the music starts,

(23:10):
we begin to move our bodies to the music in
a sort of dance. While the idea of Hide and
Brady stripping is exciting, I was even more excited for
my meeting with my angel investor. I'm at the coffee
shop right now, sitting across from him. As usual, he
was in disguise as TV's Delightful ted Lasso. So what

(23:32):
do you think of my piece so far? It's just
a rough draft. Okay, I have a lot of notes.
Next time on Brewster High. What if his name was
Luke skywriter is your secret investor. Some of us players
will want to have sex afterwards, so hang out by
the locker room if you're looking for that sort of thing.

(23:54):
Every time I meet with him, he's in a ted
Lasso costume. Nice triceps. Oh yeah, you otis are the
working out. Something you can grind to, like Drede or
Ed Sheeran or Adele When you're doing jumping jacks, it'll
make your penises really flop around. This episode of Brewster
High was written by Celess Ballard and Laura McGuire and
Carry O'Neil and Gilly the Scene and Jonathan Stern, and

(24:15):
directed by Jonathan Stern. It was performed by Lelon Bowden,
Jordan Dahl, Ali Gandor, Jared Goldstein, Greg Hess, Peter Kim,
Mike McCafferty, Veronica or Sorio, Shakira, Janet Pay, Marcus Fray,
Anna Saragina Sager, Shake, Amy Silverberg, and Morgan Walsh. Executive
produced by Keith Quinn and Jonathan Stern. Produced by Frannie Baldwin,
Jack brongardt, Natalie Gurgley and Dave Salinger. Music by Mac Novac,

(24:39):
Greg Martin and Alison Newman. The supervising sound editor was
Julie Diaz and the sound editor was Jack D. Crane.
Mixed by Brent Kaiser Sound Design and mixed at Unbridled Sound.
Brewster High was a production of abominable pictures and honorable
mention for I Heart Media. If you like the way
I read these credits, consider me to DJ your next
wedding or bar mitzvah.