Laser Stories (8/22/25)

Weird news stories from around the world… with a healthy dose of lasers added in. Does it make sense? No not really, but it doesn’t HAVE TO… it’s Laser Stories!

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:05):
It's the radio segment that's teaching men how to self
care with new motor oil infused bath bombs. Relax and
unwind with the industrial aroma that'll give your skin that
healthy glowing sheen like you were just recovered next to
the Exxon Valdez. Wow, duckling oil spill joke from twenty

(00:26):
years ago, still funny. Laser Stories the segment where we
read weird news stories around the globe, just like everyone
else does, except we've got a laser. Those other greasy
weasels just don't. His first Laser Stories out of Ohio,
a thirty seven year old man named Matthew Pancake was
up to no good. The good. What a great name.

(00:47):
You need to marry him so you could be missus Pancake.
Oh my gosh, we're on the back of sweatshirts. Pancake. Well,
around two am, mister Pancake broke into a famous footwear store,
and after that he's snuck into a restaurant called Roosters,
where he was seen on camera wearing leopard print pajamas.
Live your Best Life, peycakes, and then he kept the

(01:09):
animal theme party going by breaking into a pet store
called Petland where he set a bunch of animals free
to live amongst the world. Like that's like a child.
He's like a modern day snow White. I don't see
any issues, if you know. Police finally tracked down Pancake
in a big Locks parking lot. When they asked him

(01:31):
about the break ins. Not surprisingly, he denied it ain't
nobody got tamp don't know what you're talking about. A
different pancake. But unfortunately for him, authorities didn't believe him,
probably because when he was searched they found four hamsters
in his paints. They really found them in there. Mister

(01:55):
Pancake was then charged with breaking and entering and vandalism.
As for the animals, the police recovered two dogs, multiple birds,
yet another hamster, and at least two bunnies. Authorities say
they're still looking for a frisky ferret. If you see
one skirting around the city, you're asked to call authorities
immediatelyfles you know they're not related, it feels like they

(02:21):
should be failing. It's next Lazer stories out of Connecticut.
The other day, a man dropped off his rare twenty
eighteen Chevy Camaro at a dealership for its yearly service.
The car was in pristine condition, only had nine hundred
and eighty nine miles on Itay, why do you even

(02:41):
need to service it? The owner gave it explicit instructions
that the car was not to leave the lot. Unfortunately
for him, that didn't happen. A service advisor and another
employee thought what's the harm in taking it around a
block or two, so they took the car out, floored
it to nearly ninety miles per hour, lost control, and

(03:04):
crashed it into a guard rail. They're like, uh, do
you think he's gonna notice? Yeah, the car had been
appraised at ninety seven thousand dollars and it was a
complete loss. Not surprisingly, the driver was ticketed in the crash,
but the dealership is in much, much bigger trouble because

(03:25):
the Camaro owner has now filed a lawsuit against them.
No word on the total damages, but it's probably safe
to say they exceed one hundred thousand dollars. Wow. Wait,
the car's only worth ninety seven thousand though, how's the
damages higher? With the lawsuit thrown in? I'm guessing he
gets more than just the value of the car. Yeah, yeah, Okay.

(03:46):
Distress from missing his like really fancy car. That must
be hard for him. Yeah, I feel bad for him. Okay,
they literally crashed his car, But why does he need
more money than what the cars were? Because he told
them crashes and they went on crash why more? Okay, sure,
let's go to your ex lazer story, which is out

(04:07):
of California. I don't know yet, give it to me again.
Man recently went to a bar in the San Diego
area called the Catalina Lounge, and when he was closing
his twenty four dollars tab, the screen gave him four
suggested tipsy twenty percent, twenty five percent, fifty percent, and

(04:29):
one hundred percent. That was a suggestion. Those are the
suggested options for him. The guy was so appalled that
he took a photo of it, and now it's going viral.
Oh my gosh. So naturally, some commenters say that's just predatory,
especially for a bar, because if someone isn't looking closely,

(04:49):
or if they're not thinking yeah, I think it's yeah. Sure,
there's some bartender that's like, hell, let's see what drunk
idiot kicks out there? Literally, and it's because if he's
the one hundred percent is the very top option, Yeah,
which would be the first one, you know. Yeah. So,
like I said, if you're not looking closely, if you're
not thinking clearly, you could inadvertently tip a lot more

(05:10):
than you want to. And as for the bar, no
one from management has commented, so it's unclear if they
purposely chose those options or if they were just somehow
pre programmed or something. They definitely chose the options for
what it's worth. The guy posted his actual receipt as well,
which shows he ended up tipping twenty percent. Oh cheap.

(05:32):
I think that's a problem with obviously doesn't drive the
ninety seven thousand dollars car, But he also said that
he doesn't know why he even did it at all,
and the rest of the night he tipped zero percent.
In response, wait, he should just stop where he is
this next laser stories out of the Pacific Northwest who

(05:52):
touched the thermostat fights are getting more interesting with this trend.
Oregon's biggest power company is rolling out an smart thermostat
program where they get to change the temperature in your home.
Starting sucked. My dad would just die. Was that a customard?
We just played? Oh? Oh my god. Basically, I'm like

(06:15):
I agree. But the way the program works is you
install a smart thermostat and pay a little bit less
each month in an exchange. You let them control your
thermostat remotely. Wait a minute, this has infiltrated my family.
I was recently in Arizona and my dad came to
me and said, I'll say, I'm calling to the electric company.

(06:37):
They are changing my thermostat. That's basically the rules of it.
During peak hours they up the tempt by a few
degrees to reduce the strain on the grid, which usually
happens between three and nine pm. Why do I imagine
you ever, whoever adjusting it also having an evil laugh
while doing it. The new Oregon version limits it to

(06:59):
three degrees, So if your thrmostat's set to seventy one,
they could up that to seventy four. Well, I mean
it's gonna backfire. Everybody's just gonna set their thermostat three
degrees lower. Yeah, totally something. We're not idiots. You know.
Some cities set the max even higher, like a program
in LA that lets them increase it by four degrees.
But you can override it by changing the temperature manual.

(07:21):
So is it worth it just to save a few
bucks and help the environment. I'd say yes, maybe. Wait
are you saying no? Is there an answer? I'm worried
to ask Brooke anything about money today. She's very hot
headed about it. Or are you the only one who
gets to mess with your thermostat? Yeah, that's the question.
I know this guy likes it chili in his terrarium.

(07:43):
Why do you think he's wrapped around that ug boot
so tightly right now? He's preparing for cold seasons. That
sound means laser stories has come to an end of
the day. We're gonna do it same time a Monday