September 20, 2022 • 47 mins
In order to be present for the future you need to clear up the past. That’s exactly what inspirational speaker, lawyer, spiritual teacher, author, life coach, and television personality Iyanla Vanzant and Cheryl attempt to do on today’s pod. They unpack the traumas in their lives and discuss the true meaning of boundaries and consequences and how they are able to control them rather than be controlled by them. There’s a lot that happens in this episode and every second is a moment to remember.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:03):
This is burke in the game and I heard Radio podcast. Hey, guys,
welcome back to Burke in the game. I'm so excited
about today's guest, Ian Love vissant. She I've been like
honestly studying her for a long time now and I
love that. You know, it helps that she's on Oprah
and I've seen her interviews and multiple interviews. Obviously I'm
(00:25):
currently reading her book. But anyway, before we get there,
let's talk dancing. Dancing with the stars premiered last night and,
oh my goodness, season thirty one. You know, I do
have a feeling that this show is going back to
the way it was. I know it's on Disney plus.
I know a lot of people aren't happy about that,
but hopefully, you know, you guys will check it out,
at least on Youtube, fall in love with it and subscribe,
(00:48):
because it's gonna be worth it. This is going to
be an amazing season. So, Um, I definitely have a
lot of work ahead of of me, but, you know what,
I'm up for the challenge. I'm grateful to be back
and I'm even more excited of the return of two
fellow O g pro dancers, Louis Van Amstell and Mark Ballace.
(01:09):
Mark Ballas is such a good friend of mine. I
just love that he's back. You know, it's always great
to have people that you know have been a part
of the show for so long and the brand not
only is, you know, mark and Louis Back, but we've
got our old show runner back and I truly believe
he is the heart of the show. You know, people
behind the scenes. I think you know we don't really
(01:30):
talk about them as much, but it really is very
important that, you know, the heart of the show comes
back and I think that that is the goal we want.
We want it to definitely you know, we want to
definitely reach all those fans we've had from back in
the past and make it back to what the show was,
which is ballroom. As far as Louis Van amstel goes,
(01:51):
I'm especially excited about him because because of Louie, honestly,
I am here on dancing with the stars. I remember
many years ago, you know, Louie and I um we
didn't compete against each other because he was professional and
I was amateur, but Louie definitely recommended that the producers
at the time come and auditioned me and I was
(02:12):
dancing with my partner slash boyfriend at the time, living
in Harlem, in like two thousand five or two beginning
of two thousand six, and they came to New York,
they interviewed me, all because of Louis, and so shout
out to Louie. I love you. Thanks for being part
of the reason why my life is changed in Um
in a good way. So very excited to have my
(02:33):
fellow ballroom dancers, real ballroom dancers, back and Um, it's
really cool to be a part of this season. I mean,
I think it. There's so many changes, yet it feels
like home all at the same time. Okay, moving on
to Ian La Vincent. Ian La also has her own
podcast called the R spot with Ian La, where she
basically invites callers to share their personal relationship issues during
(02:55):
live sessions to help inspire, grow and guide them and
other listeners to do the work toward healing. I love her.
I'm a little bit nervous about this interview because she's
a strong, powerhouse of a woman. Um, but you know what,
we're gonna just have a conversation. I have so many questions. So, Um,
after this commercial break we will talk to me on. Hi,
(03:24):
you look nice and presentable. Oh, thank you, thank you
so much. How are you good? Thank you. I've been
looking forward to this interview. So thanks for coming on.
Bark in the game. And, uh, I know you have
a podcast. I've been listening to the our spot, also
produced by my heart and also, Um, remind me of
who else the producer is? Yes, of course, Shonda. Can
(03:48):
you tell us a little bit. What is the R
stand for exactly? Trying to figure this out myself. It's relationship,
it's reality, it is, Um, the real life. It's yeah, basically,
we talk about relationship. Well, speaking of I'm currently going
through a divorce. I've prayed that it is peaceful and, Um,
(04:13):
I don't I'm not so sure about peaceful, but it
has definitely been, uh, my roller coaster right of emotions,
I guess you can say. Um, I know you've been
through one yourself, maybe more than three. Okay, and uh,
how do you there is light at the end of
the tunnel. I know that. And I also know that,
(04:36):
as much as I sometimes feel sad in all these
different emotions, there's also this sense of empowerment in a
weird way as well. Um, but in a great way. However,
I'm trying to feel the feelings for the first time.
I'm also sober now for the past four years and
with my sobriety I've noticed obviously my head is a
lot clearer Um and I'm trying to invite the feeling
(04:59):
and some times I'd like I'm a professional number so
I like to push him down, but I'm trying to
just get through it. Do you have any advice for
me or anyone going through a divorce right now, any
kind of separation? Yeah, it's a great first thing, first
thing I learned, probably in my second divorce from the
same person, is you cannot leave until you can stay.
(05:26):
You cannot leave fully, mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually until
you can stay. That means right. You have to get
to the place where you can say I can be here,
I can be here and have peace, I can be
here without anger. This is not my choice, but I
can be here. As long as there's any anger or
(05:49):
upset or um still um things that haven't been spoken
or said, you're gonna have that roller coast. You've got
to be in a place where you can stay. The
other thing is, I would say, is don't try to
invite the feelings forward. Instead, get clear about what you
(06:10):
want and everything that is in opposition to that. It
arise to the surface. You don't have to look for
once you start getting really clear about what you're going
to do, where you're going, how you want to be,
how you want to feel, all of the other stuff
that Um blocks it, it arise to the surface. You
don't have to go looking for it. So that's the
(06:32):
other thing I would say. Um, I would say ask yourself.
I heard you say you're a professional number so numbing
is your drug of choice? Absolutely. I would ask you
to get clear about what is it that you don't
want to feel and invite that. For a man, inviteful
(06:59):
with the thing you don't want to feel. Drop your
hands to the side, tell it to come forward and
kill you if necessary. It won't, because it's right. Really, yeah, right,
the three things that I would say. I'm currently reading
your book. Get over it. What are the three a's?
I love that you. I'm still in the process of
reading your book, which is amazing, by the way. I
(07:21):
know you've written so many Um, but this for me,
this acknowledgement, acceptance of the thing and then acknowledge the thing,
because acknowledgement is the first step toward healing, and accept it.
Doesn't mean you have to like it agree with it,
but you do have to accept. Okay, I accept whatever
(07:44):
it is. You know, I left ear is bigger than
my right. I don't like it, but I right. It
means that you can be with it without needing to
change it or fix it or do anything about that's
except right. Tell us, and are my listeners, if which
I would be shocked. If no, if nobody has ever
(08:04):
heard of you before, because I've been a huge fan
of yours for many years. Tell us a little bit
about your story, because there's many there's parts of your
story that I definitely relate to. Well, which part I mean?
Childhood dysfunctional, I think. Let's go with the childhood dysfunctional section.
I think, and I really think now that I know,
that it was my childhood dysfunction that prepared me to
(08:28):
really become uh technician in the field of relationships. I
have a relationship technician. I like that. Uh Born to
an alcoholic mother, was the other woman. My mother died
when I was two years and three months old, and
no one ever told me. Of course, I didn't remember
(08:48):
consciously Um. So I was raised to believe that one
woman was my mother and she wasn't, and I didn't
find that out until I was thirty. So basically two
to thirty, twenty eight years of my life was a lie,
a lie that I couldn't quite fit in because I
didn't look like my stepmother and there was a lot
(09:11):
of family dissension around her. She was actually my father's wife.
My mother was the other woman and she died of
breast cancer and leukemia and I heard stories around. They
never quite identified who and the story was she wouldn't
have if she didn't have that other baby. She would
(09:32):
she wouldn't have died, she'd still be alive. So somewhere
in my mind I made up I was the baby
that killed somebody. I didn't know who until I got
to be thirty. So I grew up shifting around among
Um relatives, never really belonging, never really feeling like I
(09:53):
belonged Um. Lived with an aunt and uncle who raised
my cousin as my sister. Lots of lies and uh,
and my uncle, my my male care give a rape
me when I was nine and I immediately reported it
and nothing was ever said or done about it again.
(10:13):
What happened was they would never leave me alone with it,
so I had to go with my older sister, cousin,
or my brother, who really was my brother, or my aunt.
I had to always go with them and they made
it well known that they didn't want me to be there.
So I was a problem. I was in a way,
(10:34):
I was unwanted and I was guilty because I had
killed somebody. I mean, this is the story and that's
what I took into, you know, my adulthood, until I
discovered that my mother was was deceased and that my
stepmother wasn't my mother, that my father was a liar
and a woman I and that I had marinated in
(10:58):
and been surrounded by guilty function all of my life,
which taught me a lot about boundaries, having clear boundaries
and holding my boundaries, talking a lot about truth, m HMM,
and really being honest and honorable, uh in, in in
my speaking to to the degree that I can. And Anyway,
(11:23):
I grew up UM dropped out of high school at
Sixteen when I was pregnant, went back, got married at Nineteen,
divorced at twenty one, went back to high school when
I was about twenty in night school and graduated. I
went to college when I was thirty. It took my
three kids with me. I went to law school when
(11:43):
I was thirty three and graduated. Practice Law for one
year in Manhattan, two years in Philadelphia, and then walked
away from it. Wow, it's walker. Why? Because I was
guided and directed to do so. I realized later I
didn't go to law school to learn to practice law.
(12:06):
I went to law school to learn how to think.
I didn't know how to think. I didn't know how
to do it analytical thinking, I didn't know how to
do deductive reasoning, I didn't know how to put two
predicates together, and so my mind was a waste land
of dysfunction. I didn't know how to think. Literally, I
(12:29):
knew how to survive. For the problem. I could solve it,
I could get out of it, I could figure out
what to do. But thinking, which is such a powerful at,
such a self empowering at putting thoughts together in a
way that supports who you are, it's it's a it's
a skill and I didn't know how to do it.
(12:50):
The other thing I learned later on was that I
went to law. Law School so that I could learn
and understand the disconnect bet man's law and God's law,
because there are some things in man's law that are
simply ungodly. They just are. They're not in alignment with
the flow of the universe, they're not in alignment with love,
(13:12):
they're not in alignment with humanity, but it's the law.
So once I learned the disconnect between Man's law and
God's law, I was guided, you know, inspired, motivated to
really master universal law, God's law, and how it operates
(13:32):
and how we can use it and how it works
and why it really to to be able to do
the work I do that is grounded in universal law.
And princeps, wow, that is very powerful and I felt
I feel you. I feel I felt that. I guess
(13:53):
there's a lot that I have to marinate in, but
what I do want to talk about I'm learning about boundaries.
Now I'm thirty eight years old. Um, I just I'm
not sure if you know, but I've been on dancing
with the stars for seasons now, and when it comes
to being grounded, when it comes to not thinking and
(14:15):
dysfunction right, because I also, you know, I was molested
when I was a little girl by our Um babysitter
slash mailman, and from then on I lived in dysfunction
as well, with relationships very abusive, because that equal love.
So there was lots of trauma, bonding and I know
I've been in therapy my whole life. I'm a huge
(14:35):
advocate for therapy. I now have two therapists, somatic therapists
and a cognitive therapist. And and I'm realizing, you know,
it sounds so basic, but yet, without judgment, you know,
I never had boundaries, even in my last marriage. I
don't even know what that means. And yet I'm more
(14:58):
afraid of hurting the person or or coming across like
stuck up or it's crazy that, you know, I've made
this choice now to be alone, to give back to
all those years I've been giving and give back to myself.
And within that I've learned what I definitely don't want
(15:18):
and I also have learned, you know, morals, values, identity,
even like I feel like I, you know, as we
do evolve Um. But it's been really interesting to be,
I guess, aware of Um, myself full, fully aware and
choosing to be alone, not lonely. I'm actually loving being
alone at the moment Um and focusing on me. Yet
(15:42):
I feel like I still have a very long ways
to go, and I think I will forever. I'm work
in progress forever. So what are what our boundaries? Ha Ha. Well,
let me offer you this, because I'm a teacher at
hard and I want to respect both your somatic therapists
and your cognitive therapist. I would offer you to consider,
(16:05):
rather than to be alone with myself, the higher by
the rates, because that alone and the frequency that it
carries in world is very low. But to be with
myself and to learn myself, to become aware of myself,
(16:27):
to acknowledge myself, to accept myself, is a much higher frequency. Okay.
The other thing I heard in in your speaking that
I would just offer you some coaching around Um, and
I hear it in the speaking, not in what you
(16:49):
said and I speaking, is to consider embracing the concept
of there's nothing wrong on with me right nothing. Everything
is just as it needs to be to be fully
present in this moment, because I'm staring under there that,
(17:13):
because of the dysfunction or because of the violation, is
something wrong with me? No, your soul new every step
of the way what it was that you were going
to do and how you were going to do it.
Even in your I heard you say you experience abuse
in your relationships, but had you not, you wouldn't have
(17:35):
the quest for peace. Yea, does that make sense totally
and I feel that to my bones. Yes, the boundary. Yes,
a boundary is a psychological and emotional structure that keeps
you safe. That's number one. So it's a thought or
(17:56):
a vision or a a west or requirement in the
mind and it's also an emotional feeling or energy that
you design create to keep you safe. Now here's the challenge.
There's a distinction between a wall and a boundary. People
(18:20):
put up wall keep people out. A boundary keeps your
safety in, keeps your dignity, Your Majesty, your power in.
That's what a boundary does. It doesn't keep things out,
it keeps things in and it regulates or determines what
can come in. So psychological emotional structure to keep you safe.
(18:45):
That's number one. The other thing that a boundary is
is if it is a statement of expectation. The thing,
the distinction between a wall and a boundary is that
a boundary has to be articulated. You have to let
people know the boundary exists. Most of us don't until
somebody violates it and then we realized, wait a minute,
(19:07):
hold up, back up, pumping breaks, but when you create
a boundary, so here's a boundary for me. Um, you
cannot call me out my name. You cannot, and the
moment you do it, hold up, stop right there. We
can't go any further. So you have to articulate it
(19:29):
and the minute someone crosses your boundary, must stop, or
your line in the sin and articulate your expectations. What
usually happens is someone will violate a boundary, boundary that
they didn't know existed because we didn't tell them. They violated,
we back up and draw another line. Yeah, so you've
(19:52):
got to hold your boundaries and articulate them so that
people know that they exist. And once somebody violates the boundary,
and this is the key point, this is the piece
that people meant, there must be a consequence or the
violation of your boundary. Yet, mad and Colan Custin, carry on.
(20:19):
You have to articulate the boundary. You cannot call me
out of my name, and if you call me out
of my name, I'm gonna end the conversation. Person Calls
you out your name, let them know. Remember I said
that this boundary exists. You have violated the boundary and
(20:41):
if it happens again, I'm going to end the conversation.
It happens again, I am now ending the conversation. That's
the consequence, because a boundary without a consequence does not
keep you safe. And they don't respect the boundary just
because you say it, you don't show it, you don't
follow through. They it does not keep you safe. So
(21:04):
when you announce your boundary, and you don't have to
say me too, hi, my name is frank and my
boundaries are this. But as you go into the relationship
and people take liberties or they create violations, say, you know,
I don't do that. I just want you to know
that's a boundary that I have that keeps me saying
(21:25):
I would ask you not to do that. So you've
announced the boundary and that's how you articulate the boundary.
Are you articulated? That's right. It's not a demand and
chances are they'll violate the boundary again. That's when you
remind them and let them know what the consequence of
and start they'll a boundary or do it again and
(21:46):
you'll remind them of the boundary. You remind them. You
told them that there was a consequence. Now you enact
the council. So it's not just say, you know, don't
call me out my name, or don't put your feet
on the table, or don't eat in the bedroom or whatever. Right, right, right, right, right.
Be a consequence. And that's where people lose it. They
(22:06):
have these boundaries, people violate them, they get angry, they
fust they screen the hollow, but there's no concept. What
if you're in a marriage and they've crossed the boundary?
It's a little, I guess, more challenging. How would you, Um,
would you kick someone out? Let's say myself. One of
my boundaries is cheating. You cannot cheat on me. I
(22:29):
don't cheating. I don't doat. Not me either, Girl. I
don't do that is a very like that is a
bad injury. Right, yeah, I don't. I don't do cheating.
And so do they get second chances or I don't know,
you don't get no second chance. I'm out right right day.
Wait a minute between we used to be afraid the
(22:51):
simplis and gotta be in crass okay, then we elevated ourselves.
Oh my monkey, and I wake up with obstables on
my nose. No, you know what. But here's the thing,
because I really don't do cheating, and I let that
(23:14):
be known of Front. I don't attract people who cheat.
I don't. And and and when I got clear, because
my husband was a serious he was a polygamist, so
he he didn't think it was cheating. Not Did. Didn't
make that clear before you got buried? Yeah, but he
(23:35):
won't always wanted to bring home another white I just
don't get that. Do not live in, you know, the
Middle Um. Yeah, so I don't. I don't know, because
here's the thing about cheating. Women all often get angry.
They make their partners cheating about them. Yes, and their
(23:56):
partners cheating is really about their partner. This is a
person who a doesn't have boundaries, this is a person
who doesn't honor their agreements, this is a person who
breaks commitments and this is a person who's dishonest on
some level, because nobody's gonna come home and say, listen,
I went out, that be a side piece. No, they're gonna,
(24:19):
they're gonna lie. But when I recognize wait, a minute.
Hold Up. You don't honor your agreements, you break commitments,
you betray trust, you are dishonest and I married you. Okay,
what's going on with me? So I'm not even looking
at you. That's your stuff, but I'm not choosing to
(24:40):
be married to someone who will betray my trust, violate boundaries, uh,
break agreements and break commitments. I made a mistake, so
let me get myself in check. I don't have nothing
to do with I'm done with you. I'm done by and.
So there is. And when that happened to you? Did
(25:01):
you guys do couples therapy or you were just done?
There was nothing. I'm out. I'm I'm out. I don't
do two things. I don't do. This is the way
to say. Don't cheat on me and don't mess with
my money. Not out my wallet. No, no, no, so
you keep everything. So did you believe in prenups? Yeah,
if I had something to nuptialize, I would have a prenup. Right, right, right, right,
(25:27):
but there's no shared accounts to you. Nothing. No, I
you know, I got three two kids and ten grandchildren.
If you want to fight them, you go right ahead,
right right. But yeah, I would do a pre doubt?
I would do a Prenup, absolutely Um, because it's just
(25:48):
it's a boundary. It is it's a boundary and they
won't like it because I have one as well and
you know it wasn't the most romantic thing in the world.
But I always say same with childbirth. I you doubt
that that is romantic either. I don't have kids, thank God, Um,
but you know, you just have to have those uncomfortable
(26:08):
conversations and it is what it is. Well, you know what?
My mother died and left me nothing. My mother left
me a mink coat in the set of China. I
didn't know it was bone China. It was ugly, so
I threw it in the trash. I didn't know too
many years later that this was bone China. Okay, I
ket the fur coat until it fell apart. So that's
(26:30):
what my mother left me, a set of China that
I threw away in a fur coat. My father left
me nothing. I had to hey to bury my father
remade him. He was a Buddhist, so I cremated it.
My sole purpose in life is to leave my children something.
So I don't care if I'm married to Jesus or
his brother. I have a will. Everything goes to my children, period.
(26:53):
That's it. Now I know the state. The law says
the husband has to get something and I'm fine with that,
but I I want to prenup that. Let's him know.
I want you to know everything. I have those to
my children because I'm breaking a generational pattern. My parents
left me nothing, their parents left them nothing. I'm not
(27:13):
doing that to my children and my grandchild. So it's
already laid down. Are you married again? No, no, I
would never. Never. Why? Never? Because the construct and concept
of marriage in this society does not fit what I
(27:33):
want in a partnership. I want to partnership and I
want an equal companion. I don't want someone that the
law tells me can or can does. Like I said,
man's law and God's law are not in alignment. What are,
I think, what's the difference between the two? First of all,
there's no law of love in Man's law. It's about property,
(27:56):
it's about male domination, it's about inequality of people in rights.
In Man's law and and God's law it's about love.
It's about harmony, which is a much high vibration and
it sees everyone with equanimity or equality. Everybody, and in
(28:16):
the law everybody is not equal on the color of
your skin and what you own, and I just don't
want to live like that. So I wouldn't. I would
never get married again. Now I could find me a
fine young thing. Me and you're both girls. That's my couation. No,
(28:36):
I plan to be coupled. I plan to be coupled
and have a companion and a partner. I want a partner,
because partners you're each of you are bringing something to
the table. Very often in marriage one person comes with
a knapsack and the other one comes with monogram luggage. No, no,
I'm not doing that. Wow. So the one thing that
(29:01):
was really stuck with me as well with what you
just said, was you don't attract men that cheat. How
do you not attract? How for people that may attract
that negativity or that type of man Um, how do
you know a woman or woman? Amen. Thank you. Thank
you for we are a little frisky out here in
(29:22):
the world today. Yes, Ma'am uh, not me. It's been
a you know, a year since I've gotten any action,
but that's fine. I'm not complaining. But yeah, so, how
how do you attract the opposite. You have to love
yourself first. Everything in your life comes by energetic invitation.
(29:43):
Everything when I was younger, I was I lived nine
years in an abusive marriage, but that's because I was
abused as a child, abuse in the home. Home, being
unhappy home, being violent, was a pathology that I live.
Once I healed that, disconnected that bonding pattern, it didn't
(30:04):
happen anymore. I don't need to be is physically, mentally,
emotionally or any other one. So once that happened, I
never attracted another man who cheated, or if he did,
I didn't know about it. But we didn't break up because,
you know, I never attracted another partner who cheated. Everything
comes into your life by energetic invitation. There's somatic therapists
(30:25):
will help you clean that stuff out and it's gonna
attract that. You know, if you're if you've got a
lot of fear in your body, you're gonna attract people
and experiences and relationships that trigger up your fear because
it's already in you, and not just that, just your career,
every every aspect of your life. Yeah, the the I
(30:46):
always say it's that I'm not enough, that I'm not enough,
you know, and changing that changing that frequency. It's very important.
Line was I'm not good enough. Got It, I'm not
good enough. That was my core belief. Yeah, they're ten
of them, ten core beliefs. Not Enough, not good enough, Um, unworthy, worthless, hopeless, Um, stupid.
(31:14):
I forget the other ones. Yeah, I think I fall
under all ten. Well, we all have some degree of it,
but that one core belief is the one that will
trigger up all of your Um experiences. So as we
do the personal development, more personal development work to really
heal and clear out those patterns. It's amazing how your
(31:37):
life shifts. You know, how you and also the people
you hang out with. I do believe you are who
you hang out with. I think that it's also very
important to clean house if you have to, or maybe
be with people that inspire you or that love themselves
and prospect themselves. You know, I mean, I don't think
it's all or nothing. It's not black or white, um,
(31:58):
but I think that you once you elevate your frequency,
like you're doing a lot of human word, YOU'RE gonna
elevate your frequency, people will fall out of your life.
The thing is not to get afraid and go run
after them. And sometimes the people that fall out of
your life are family because they're still vibrating at the
bonding frequency, the pathology of the of the ancestral and
(32:22):
generational line. Yeah, I know, I I was like, Oh
my God, I can't be with my system, my step system,
my mother, I just can't, until I did the three
a's awareness, acknowledgement and acceptance. What I did was I
learned how to become I became aware of where they
(32:42):
were vibrating and what it was triggering up for me.
I acknowledge, this is what they're triggering up and for
most of them, for me it was mostly I was
afraid that I'd always be like them, which means I
had a judgment about who they were. So I had
to accept them as they were, who they were as
they were, and then create boundaries that kept me safe
(33:06):
in my interactions with them. That's not a wall, not
a wall, not a wall, because, girl, my wall is
sometimes like the wall of China. Let's get around it.
I had a wall up with my sister, my older sister,
my cousin sister, and because she thought she was the
boss of me, and you know we are not thirties
(33:27):
and she still wanted to boss me around and I
hadn't yet perfected the communication to deal with that. So
we just stopped speaking, you know, we didn't. I just
didn't deal with her, and then she died and it
broke my heart because I hadn't spoken her in three
years and I said I would never do that again.
(33:48):
So my brother, who was cross addicted to drugs and alcohol,
who made you know, he was just a hot mess
and I loved it dearly, even my older brother, and
so one day he was making his mess on the phone.
He would call me every holiday and reminisce about how
horrible our life was and I just wasn't there. So
(34:10):
one year I said to him, if the only time
you can call me is Christmas, thanksgiving, new years and
my birthday to talk about how horrible daddy was and
how horrible we grew up, I really I don't want
to hear that anymore. So if that's all you have
to say to me, I'M gonna ask you not to
call me anymore. How and he didn't call me for
(34:32):
five years. He respected your boundary, yeah, he well, no,
he didn't expect my boundary. He was pissed off, but
I had to be willing to allow him to make
that choice. And then, after five years, he called my
office and somebody they called me. They said there's a
man on the phone that says he's your brother, of course,
(34:52):
because none of them have ever seen and I said, well,
what's his name, and they told me his name. I
said that is my brother. I called him, I picked
up the phone. He said Hey, how you doing, like
we had been talking every week, and I said I'm good.
How are you? He said I'm good, I'm good, but
I need a favor. What do you need? I need?
(35:15):
I said you need fifty dollars and he had a
whole long story. I said okay, and because I had
chosen to accept him the way he was, I sent
him a hundred and then I saw him every day
I was doing my show in New York. He came
to my studio every day and I let him in
and thirty days later he was dead of an overdose.
(35:38):
So I know he came back into my life just
for us to make that piece of for me to
have that ballot, and Um and the universe had prepared
me for him to be gone, because we spent five
years not together. And in that thirty days the last
thing my brother said to me was when I get
(36:00):
myself together, when I get myself together, I want to
take you together, he said, because you're painting my butt,
but you have been so good, m HM. And I
said to him my butt is big enough funds to dinner.
(36:24):
I have it. And that was the last conversation we had.
And about three days later, on the eve of his
fiftieth birthday, they called me to tell me that he
was dead of a drug over there. But we had
made Pete and and I had accepted him as who
he was. And the good news is this is good news.
(36:46):
Believe it or not. The reason he he died was
because he had been clean. He had been clean and
it was his birthday and he went out with some
people and reverted to bad skill and yes, when this
body couldn't take it. So boundaries are good. Asking what
(37:10):
you want is the other piece that we get tricked
up on. Sometimes we're afraid to ask for what we
want because we don't want to deal with the consequence. Guilty, guilty.
But also what's important that what you said is just
accept people as they are. They're not you know and
(37:30):
I always used to be like but I don't want
to be like that, you know dance mom, or that
person who's so strict. I don't have kids yet, but
if I do, you know, like I don't, I want
to be more. I come from a Filipina background and
you know, maybe being vulnerable didn't mean courageous at that time,
and it still was then and it is now, and
so I have to what I want to do is
(37:52):
like what maybe you have done, is change that pattern
and I and I don't think vulnerability is weakness. I
believe it's it's very it's scarier to be vulnerable than not.
And so, instead of just putting a negative connotation, but
my mom did the best that she could do. Because
of her, I am sitting here today like because she
worked her ass off, you know, coming from poverty, and
(38:13):
she helped me, just put me in a dance lessons
and I'm so grateful. So that does help, because even
with anything negative that happens in your life, it's important
just to accept that what happened and accept the person
and they did the best that they could. It gives you,
I guess that language or those sounds make me feel
more compassionate Um and have more empathy for the person. Also,
(38:37):
and this is the piece that so many of us
don't recognize, your soul, that internal part of you, shows
this life, this gender expression, this raised, this location, this nationality,
in order for you to learn what you needed to learn. Yeah, now,
(38:58):
most of us only learned through pain and dysfunction. Unfortunately,
we don't get it. And then the pain and the
dysfunction pushes us towards healing and personal development. Knows, and
once you get that, it's easier to stop being mad
at people. You know, my mother was an alcoholic. I
(39:19):
don't drink because my mother kept me drunk and womb
my first nine months I was drinking something. I don't know,
if Jin Brown liquor, I don't know. I grateful, you know,
because I have a very obsessive personality. You know. You
know your boundaries, I know. You know, and if I
(39:41):
had the propensity to drink, I don't know what would happen.
So it was a good thing for me, you know.
And I wasn't born with fetal alcohol syndrome. Nobody can
figure out why. Nobody can figure out why, but I wasn't.
But that wasn't my soul's purpose. My soul didn't need
that lesson. I didn't need to have that particular challenge
(40:03):
in addition to everything else that was going on. So
you know, I didn't have it. So I'm grateful. If
we understand that, everything you've been through, even this divorce,
it's something your soul is calling you to learn, to heal,
to recognize and your work, your work, your prayer work,
your therapy, your your Afric whatever it is that you
(40:26):
will take you. We'll take you. You're dancing. I was
a dancing ballet. Dancing to me is a form of meditation.
You know, it really takes you out of the physical
into a whole another realm. Absolutely, yeah, absolutely, so, Um,
(40:47):
it's it's all good. It's all good when I think
about you know, the worst what put me on my
spiritual path was a suicide attack. Okay, when I was
twenty one, postponum depression, Um, which back then, forty years ago,
they didn't even talk about, and I attempted to suicide
(41:10):
and in the midst of losing consciousness in my kitchen
I saw the most beautiful vision of what I called
the divine mother, sitting on the kitchen floor with me
as I'm losing consciousness and she said to me, or
what I heard was, because I don't want people to
think I hear voices, she's what I heard was do
(41:31):
you want to die or do you just want to
stop hurting and learn how to live? I said very
profound staking coming as life is draining out my wow,
and I said I just want to stop hurting. She said,
I'm going to teach you how to so I woke
(41:51):
up in the hospital. They had pumped my stomach. I
spent six and a half weeks in the Psychiatric Award
and Um, my sixth week old baby was with her
father and his girlfriend. And what I left because I
found that he had a girlfriend. and Um, it was
the most powerful time of my life. Stillness, no responsibilities. Um,
(42:18):
I wouldn't take their medication. I literally just sat there
and I learned how to get still, I learned how
to be in silence and that's when my soul unfolded. Wow,
that is so powerful. Yeah, you know, I um, I
was baptized Catholic and my mother is very religious and
(42:39):
she praised and part of my sobriety is doing the
twelve step program and it's too you know, believe in
a power higher than yourself, and for some reason I
it was really hard for me to wrap my head
around that. Now today, I definitely believe in a power
greater than myself, absolutely Um and I think that I
(43:04):
with meditation as well, with the stillness, transidental meditation, you know,
twice a day. It's that's giving back to also myself,
but also connecting to God and connecting to my higher power.
And I think once I believe that, I slowly started
to get there. I still have a long ways to go,
but once I slowly started believing in a higher power
(43:26):
or God, then it started just to I just let
it be, so be it, you know. It just kind
of made me feel I don't know, I just felt free.
I felt like all this like pressure off my shoulders,
to be quite honest, and I think that is a
lot some people are not religious at all, and you
don't have to be religious. I think it's just believing
in faith and have faith. I think that one of
(43:48):
the greatest spiritual technologies that we have available to us,
and when I say technology, I mean the thing that
you work or do or engage to create out chemical
change in the energy. That's what I say technology is,
I think one of the greatest a chemical technologies that
(44:09):
we have is the rosary. Mm Hmmm, Um, not because
I'm a Catholic. I'm a down home apple, last Apostolic Baptist.
That's how I was raised. Everything was a sick eyes.
Oh my Gosh, you the abolish everything. But the reason
(44:29):
I love the rosary is because it's to the divine mother,
which holds a heart. And so, of course I don't
do the rosary the way Catholics do it. I made
up my own rose. I have one in my person constantly.
I also don't do it like the way the Catholics
do it, but I do like to tap into that
(44:51):
heart centered energy of the divine mother. I love it.
You know, Mary, I've got to hold my own hail
Mary and it works for me. Yeah, I'm not asking
anybody for absolution or confession or whatever. Yeah, that is
a beautiful technology because it yes, yes, amen, you know,
(45:12):
I know you gotta go. So thank you so much, Ian.
I was gonna talk to you for hours because I could. Um,
thank you for really opening up my mind and you
know way you're changing my perspective and, Um, I appreciate
you so very much. Thank you, thank thank you. Thank you.
When your fans will join me on the our spot?
Absolutely every Wednesday. Okay, love to you than I keep watching.
(45:37):
Thanks girl. Thank you so much. Thank you. All right. Well,
that was so powerful. I knew that I would definitely
have some things to learn from Miss Ian La, and
everyone please check out her new podcast the our spot
and you can listen wherever you listen to podcasts. All right,
we're gonna take a break and then ask the question
(45:58):
of the week. Alright, so at the end of every episode,
as you guys know, we need to ask the listeners
the question of the week, which is what are some
of your boundaries in relationships? As I answered Um that
(46:19):
question as well in the interview, but for those that
may have not heard it, it's for me, it's cheating,
any type of emotional mental abuse and, Um, lies, no lies, please,
no lies. Anyway. Um. Okay, again, the question of the
week is what are some of your boundaries and relationships?
And we want to hear from you, guys, so email
us at Burke in the game, at I heart radio
(46:40):
DOT com, or d m US on Instagram at Burke
in the game. Thanks again to our amazing guest, Ian La.
Everyone check out her podcast, the R spot, and I'll
see you guys next week, but bye. Thanks for listening
and coming along this journey with me. If you like
what you hear, then feel free to give this podcast
five stars. You can also follow along with my journey
on Instagram at Burke in the game, and if you
(47:01):
have any advice or want to write in, then email
me at Birk in the game at IHEART RADIO DOT com.
This is burke in the game and I heard Radio podcast. Hey, guys,
welcome back to Burke in the game. I'm so excited
about today's guest, Ian Love vissant. She I've been like
honestly studying her for a long time now and I
love that. You know, it helps that she's on Oprah
and I've seen her interviews and multiple interviews. Obviously I'm
(00:25):
currently reading her book. But anyway, before we get there,
let's talk dancing. Dancing with the stars premiered last night and,
oh my goodness, season thirty one. You know, I do
have a feeling that this show is going back to
the way it was. I know it's on Disney plus.
I know a lot of people aren't happy about that,
but hopefully, you know, you guys will check it out,
at least on Youtube, fall in love with it and subscribe,
(00:48):
because it's gonna be worth it. This is going to
be an amazing season. So, Um, I definitely have a
lot of work ahead of of me, but, you know what,
I'm up for the challenge. I'm grateful to be back
and I'm even more excited of the return of two
fellow O g pro dancers, Louis Van Amstell and Mark Ballace.
(01:09):
Mark Ballas is such a good friend of mine. I
just love that he's back. You know, it's always great
to have people that you know have been a part
of the show for so long and the brand not
only is, you know, mark and Louis Back, but we've
got our old show runner back and I truly believe
he is the heart of the show. You know, people
behind the scenes. I think you know we don't really
(01:30):
talk about them as much, but it really is very
important that, you know, the heart of the show comes
back and I think that that is the goal we want.
We want it to definitely you know, we want to
definitely reach all those fans we've had from back in
the past and make it back to what the show was,
which is ballroom. As far as Louis Van amstel goes,
(01:51):
I'm especially excited about him because because of Louie, honestly,
I am here on dancing with the stars. I remember
many years ago, you know, Louie and I um we
didn't compete against each other because he was professional and
I was amateur, but Louie definitely recommended that the producers
at the time come and auditioned me and I was
(02:12):
dancing with my partner slash boyfriend at the time, living
in Harlem, in like two thousand five or two beginning
of two thousand six, and they came to New York,
they interviewed me, all because of Louis, and so shout
out to Louie. I love you. Thanks for being part
of the reason why my life is changed in Um
in a good way. So very excited to have my
(02:33):
fellow ballroom dancers, real ballroom dancers, back and Um, it's
really cool to be a part of this season. I mean,
I think it. There's so many changes, yet it feels
like home all at the same time. Okay, moving on
to Ian La Vincent. Ian La also has her own
podcast called the R spot with Ian La, where she
basically invites callers to share their personal relationship issues during
(02:55):
live sessions to help inspire, grow and guide them and
other listeners to do the work toward healing. I love her.
I'm a little bit nervous about this interview because she's
a strong, powerhouse of a woman. Um, but you know what,
we're gonna just have a conversation. I have so many questions. So, Um,
after this commercial break we will talk to me on. Hi,
(03:24):
you look nice and presentable. Oh, thank you, thank you
so much. How are you good? Thank you. I've been
looking forward to this interview. So thanks for coming on.
Bark in the game. And, uh, I know you have
a podcast. I've been listening to the our spot, also
produced by my heart and also, Um, remind me of
who else the producer is? Yes, of course, Shonda. Can
(03:48):
you tell us a little bit. What is the R
stand for exactly? Trying to figure this out myself. It's relationship,
it's reality, it is, Um, the real life. It's yeah, basically,
we talk about relationship. Well, speaking of I'm currently going
through a divorce. I've prayed that it is peaceful and, Um,
(04:13):
I don't I'm not so sure about peaceful, but it
has definitely been, uh, my roller coaster right of emotions,
I guess you can say. Um, I know you've been
through one yourself, maybe more than three. Okay, and uh,
how do you there is light at the end of
the tunnel. I know that. And I also know that,
(04:36):
as much as I sometimes feel sad in all these
different emotions, there's also this sense of empowerment in a
weird way as well. Um, but in a great way. However,
I'm trying to feel the feelings for the first time.
I'm also sober now for the past four years and
with my sobriety I've noticed obviously my head is a
lot clearer Um and I'm trying to invite the feeling
(04:59):
and some times I'd like I'm a professional number so
I like to push him down, but I'm trying to
just get through it. Do you have any advice for
me or anyone going through a divorce right now, any
kind of separation? Yeah, it's a great first thing, first
thing I learned, probably in my second divorce from the
same person, is you cannot leave until you can stay.
(05:26):
You cannot leave fully, mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually until
you can stay. That means right. You have to get
to the place where you can say I can be here,
I can be here and have peace, I can be
here without anger. This is not my choice, but I
can be here. As long as there's any anger or
(05:49):
upset or um still um things that haven't been spoken
or said, you're gonna have that roller coast. You've got
to be in a place where you can stay. The
other thing is, I would say, is don't try to
invite the feelings forward. Instead, get clear about what you
(06:10):
want and everything that is in opposition to that. It
arise to the surface. You don't have to look for
once you start getting really clear about what you're going
to do, where you're going, how you want to be,
how you want to feel, all of the other stuff
that Um blocks it, it arise to the surface. You
don't have to go looking for it. So that's the
(06:32):
other thing I would say. Um, I would say ask yourself.
I heard you say you're a professional number so numbing
is your drug of choice? Absolutely. I would ask you
to get clear about what is it that you don't
want to feel and invite that. For a man, inviteful
(06:59):
with the thing you don't want to feel. Drop your
hands to the side, tell it to come forward and
kill you if necessary. It won't, because it's right. Really, yeah, right,
the three things that I would say. I'm currently reading
your book. Get over it. What are the three a's?
I love that you. I'm still in the process of
reading your book, which is amazing, by the way. I
(07:21):
know you've written so many Um, but this for me,
this acknowledgement, acceptance of the thing and then acknowledge the thing,
because acknowledgement is the first step toward healing, and accept it.
Doesn't mean you have to like it agree with it,
but you do have to accept. Okay, I accept whatever
(07:44):
it is. You know, I left ear is bigger than
my right. I don't like it, but I right. It
means that you can be with it without needing to
change it or fix it or do anything about that's
except right. Tell us, and are my listeners, if which
I would be shocked. If no, if nobody has ever
(08:04):
heard of you before, because I've been a huge fan
of yours for many years. Tell us a little bit
about your story, because there's many there's parts of your
story that I definitely relate to. Well, which part I mean?
Childhood dysfunctional, I think. Let's go with the childhood dysfunctional section.
I think, and I really think now that I know,
that it was my childhood dysfunction that prepared me to
(08:28):
really become uh technician in the field of relationships. I
have a relationship technician. I like that. Uh Born to
an alcoholic mother, was the other woman. My mother died
when I was two years and three months old, and
no one ever told me. Of course, I didn't remember
(08:48):
consciously Um. So I was raised to believe that one
woman was my mother and she wasn't, and I didn't
find that out until I was thirty. So basically two
to thirty, twenty eight years of my life was a lie,
a lie that I couldn't quite fit in because I
didn't look like my stepmother and there was a lot
(09:11):
of family dissension around her. She was actually my father's wife.
My mother was the other woman and she died of
breast cancer and leukemia and I heard stories around. They
never quite identified who and the story was she wouldn't
have if she didn't have that other baby. She would
(09:32):
she wouldn't have died, she'd still be alive. So somewhere
in my mind I made up I was the baby
that killed somebody. I didn't know who until I got
to be thirty. So I grew up shifting around among
Um relatives, never really belonging, never really feeling like I
(09:53):
belonged Um. Lived with an aunt and uncle who raised
my cousin as my sister. Lots of lies and uh,
and my uncle, my my male care give a rape
me when I was nine and I immediately reported it
and nothing was ever said or done about it again.
(10:13):
What happened was they would never leave me alone with it,
so I had to go with my older sister, cousin,
or my brother, who really was my brother, or my aunt.
I had to always go with them and they made
it well known that they didn't want me to be there.
So I was a problem. I was in a way,
(10:34):
I was unwanted and I was guilty because I had
killed somebody. I mean, this is the story and that's
what I took into, you know, my adulthood, until I
discovered that my mother was was deceased and that my
stepmother wasn't my mother, that my father was a liar
and a woman I and that I had marinated in
(10:58):
and been surrounded by guilty function all of my life,
which taught me a lot about boundaries, having clear boundaries
and holding my boundaries, talking a lot about truth, m HMM,
and really being honest and honorable, uh in, in in
my speaking to to the degree that I can. And Anyway,
(11:23):
I grew up UM dropped out of high school at
Sixteen when I was pregnant, went back, got married at Nineteen,
divorced at twenty one, went back to high school when
I was about twenty in night school and graduated. I
went to college when I was thirty. It took my
three kids with me. I went to law school when
(11:43):
I was thirty three and graduated. Practice Law for one
year in Manhattan, two years in Philadelphia, and then walked
away from it. Wow, it's walker. Why? Because I was
guided and directed to do so. I realized later I
didn't go to law school to learn to practice law.
(12:06):
I went to law school to learn how to think.
I didn't know how to think. I didn't know how
to do it analytical thinking, I didn't know how to
do deductive reasoning, I didn't know how to put two
predicates together, and so my mind was a waste land
of dysfunction. I didn't know how to think. Literally, I
(12:29):
knew how to survive. For the problem. I could solve it,
I could get out of it, I could figure out
what to do. But thinking, which is such a powerful at,
such a self empowering at putting thoughts together in a
way that supports who you are, it's it's a it's
a skill and I didn't know how to do it.
(12:50):
The other thing I learned later on was that I
went to law. Law School so that I could learn
and understand the disconnect bet man's law and God's law,
because there are some things in man's law that are
simply ungodly. They just are. They're not in alignment with
the flow of the universe, they're not in alignment with love,
(13:12):
they're not in alignment with humanity, but it's the law.
So once I learned the disconnect between Man's law and
God's law, I was guided, you know, inspired, motivated to
really master universal law, God's law, and how it operates
(13:32):
and how we can use it and how it works
and why it really to to be able to do
the work I do that is grounded in universal law.
And princeps, wow, that is very powerful and I felt
I feel you. I feel I felt that. I guess
(13:53):
there's a lot that I have to marinate in, but
what I do want to talk about I'm learning about boundaries.
Now I'm thirty eight years old. Um, I just I'm
not sure if you know, but I've been on dancing
with the stars for seasons now, and when it comes
to being grounded, when it comes to not thinking and
(14:15):
dysfunction right, because I also, you know, I was molested
when I was a little girl by our Um babysitter
slash mailman, and from then on I lived in dysfunction
as well, with relationships very abusive, because that equal love.
So there was lots of trauma, bonding and I know
I've been in therapy my whole life. I'm a huge
(14:35):
advocate for therapy. I now have two therapists, somatic therapists
and a cognitive therapist. And and I'm realizing, you know,
it sounds so basic, but yet, without judgment, you know,
I never had boundaries, even in my last marriage. I
don't even know what that means. And yet I'm more
(14:58):
afraid of hurting the person or or coming across like
stuck up or it's crazy that, you know, I've made
this choice now to be alone, to give back to
all those years I've been giving and give back to myself.
And within that I've learned what I definitely don't want
(15:18):
and I also have learned, you know, morals, values, identity,
even like I feel like I, you know, as we
do evolve Um. But it's been really interesting to be,
I guess, aware of Um, myself full, fully aware and
choosing to be alone, not lonely. I'm actually loving being
alone at the moment Um and focusing on me. Yet
(15:42):
I feel like I still have a very long ways
to go, and I think I will forever. I'm work
in progress forever. So what are what our boundaries? Ha Ha. Well,
let me offer you this, because I'm a teacher at
hard and I want to respect both your somatic therapists
and your cognitive therapist. I would offer you to consider,
(16:05):
rather than to be alone with myself, the higher by
the rates, because that alone and the frequency that it
carries in world is very low. But to be with
myself and to learn myself, to become aware of myself,
(16:27):
to acknowledge myself, to accept myself, is a much higher frequency. Okay.
The other thing I heard in in your speaking that
I would just offer you some coaching around Um, and
I hear it in the speaking, not in what you
(16:49):
said and I speaking, is to consider embracing the concept
of there's nothing wrong on with me right nothing. Everything
is just as it needs to be to be fully
present in this moment, because I'm staring under there that,
(17:13):
because of the dysfunction or because of the violation, is
something wrong with me? No, your soul new every step
of the way what it was that you were going
to do and how you were going to do it.
Even in your I heard you say you experience abuse
in your relationships, but had you not, you wouldn't have
(17:35):
the quest for peace. Yea, does that make sense totally
and I feel that to my bones. Yes, the boundary. Yes,
a boundary is a psychological and emotional structure that keeps
you safe. That's number one. So it's a thought or
(17:56):
a vision or a a west or requirement in the
mind and it's also an emotional feeling or energy that
you design create to keep you safe. Now here's the challenge.
There's a distinction between a wall and a boundary. People
(18:20):
put up wall keep people out. A boundary keeps your
safety in, keeps your dignity, Your Majesty, your power in.
That's what a boundary does. It doesn't keep things out,
it keeps things in and it regulates or determines what
can come in. So psychological emotional structure to keep you safe.
(18:45):
That's number one. The other thing that a boundary is
is if it is a statement of expectation. The thing,
the distinction between a wall and a boundary is that
a boundary has to be articulated. You have to let
people know the boundary exists. Most of us don't until
somebody violates it and then we realized, wait a minute,
(19:07):
hold up, back up, pumping breaks, but when you create
a boundary, so here's a boundary for me. Um, you
cannot call me out my name. You cannot, and the
moment you do it, hold up, stop right there. We
can't go any further. So you have to articulate it
(19:29):
and the minute someone crosses your boundary, must stop, or
your line in the sin and articulate your expectations. What
usually happens is someone will violate a boundary, boundary that
they didn't know existed because we didn't tell them. They violated,
we back up and draw another line. Yeah, so you've
(19:52):
got to hold your boundaries and articulate them so that
people know that they exist. And once somebody violates the boundary,
and this is the key point, this is the piece
that people meant, there must be a consequence or the
violation of your boundary. Yet, mad and Colan Custin, carry on.
(20:19):
You have to articulate the boundary. You cannot call me
out of my name, and if you call me out
of my name, I'm gonna end the conversation. Person Calls
you out your name, let them know. Remember I said
that this boundary exists. You have violated the boundary and
(20:41):
if it happens again, I'm going to end the conversation.
It happens again, I am now ending the conversation. That's
the consequence, because a boundary without a consequence does not
keep you safe. And they don't respect the boundary just
because you say it, you don't show it, you don't
follow through. They it does not keep you safe. So
(21:04):
when you announce your boundary, and you don't have to
say me too, hi, my name is frank and my
boundaries are this. But as you go into the relationship
and people take liberties or they create violations, say, you know,
I don't do that. I just want you to know
that's a boundary that I have that keeps me saying
(21:25):
I would ask you not to do that. So you've
announced the boundary and that's how you articulate the boundary.
Are you articulated? That's right. It's not a demand and
chances are they'll violate the boundary again. That's when you
remind them and let them know what the consequence of
and start they'll a boundary or do it again and
(21:46):
you'll remind them of the boundary. You remind them. You
told them that there was a consequence. Now you enact
the council. So it's not just say, you know, don't
call me out my name, or don't put your feet
on the table, or don't eat in the bedroom or whatever. Right, right, right, right, right.
Be a consequence. And that's where people lose it. They
(22:06):
have these boundaries, people violate them, they get angry, they
fust they screen the hollow, but there's no concept. What
if you're in a marriage and they've crossed the boundary?
It's a little, I guess, more challenging. How would you, Um,
would you kick someone out? Let's say myself. One of
my boundaries is cheating. You cannot cheat on me. I
(22:29):
don't cheating. I don't doat. Not me either, Girl. I
don't do that is a very like that is a
bad injury. Right, yeah, I don't. I don't do cheating.
And so do they get second chances or I don't know,
you don't get no second chance. I'm out right right day.
Wait a minute between we used to be afraid the
(22:51):
simplis and gotta be in crass okay, then we elevated ourselves.
Oh my monkey, and I wake up with obstables on
my nose. No, you know what. But here's the thing,
because I really don't do cheating, and I let that
(23:14):
be known of Front. I don't attract people who cheat.
I don't. And and and when I got clear, because
my husband was a serious he was a polygamist, so
he he didn't think it was cheating. Not Did. Didn't
make that clear before you got buried? Yeah, but he
(23:35):
won't always wanted to bring home another white I just
don't get that. Do not live in, you know, the
Middle Um. Yeah, so I don't. I don't know, because
here's the thing about cheating. Women all often get angry.
They make their partners cheating about them. Yes, and their
(23:56):
partners cheating is really about their partner. This is a
person who a doesn't have boundaries, this is a person
who doesn't honor their agreements, this is a person who
breaks commitments and this is a person who's dishonest on
some level, because nobody's gonna come home and say, listen,
I went out, that be a side piece. No, they're gonna,
(24:19):
they're gonna lie. But when I recognize wait, a minute.
Hold Up. You don't honor your agreements, you break commitments,
you betray trust, you are dishonest and I married you. Okay,
what's going on with me? So I'm not even looking
at you. That's your stuff, but I'm not choosing to
(24:40):
be married to someone who will betray my trust, violate boundaries, uh,
break agreements and break commitments. I made a mistake, so
let me get myself in check. I don't have nothing
to do with I'm done with you. I'm done by and.
So there is. And when that happened to you? Did
(25:01):
you guys do couples therapy or you were just done?
There was nothing. I'm out. I'm I'm out. I don't
do two things. I don't do. This is the way
to say. Don't cheat on me and don't mess with
my money. Not out my wallet. No, no, no, so
you keep everything. So did you believe in prenups? Yeah,
if I had something to nuptialize, I would have a prenup. Right, right, right, right,
(25:27):
but there's no shared accounts to you. Nothing. No, I
you know, I got three two kids and ten grandchildren.
If you want to fight them, you go right ahead,
right right. But yeah, I would do a pre doubt?
I would do a Prenup, absolutely Um, because it's just
(25:48):
it's a boundary. It is it's a boundary and they
won't like it because I have one as well and
you know it wasn't the most romantic thing in the world.
But I always say same with childbirth. I you doubt
that that is romantic either. I don't have kids, thank God, Um,
but you know, you just have to have those uncomfortable
(26:08):
conversations and it is what it is. Well, you know what?
My mother died and left me nothing. My mother left
me a mink coat in the set of China. I
didn't know it was bone China. It was ugly, so
I threw it in the trash. I didn't know too
many years later that this was bone China. Okay, I
ket the fur coat until it fell apart. So that's
(26:30):
what my mother left me, a set of China that
I threw away in a fur coat. My father left
me nothing. I had to hey to bury my father
remade him. He was a Buddhist, so I cremated it.
My sole purpose in life is to leave my children something.
So I don't care if I'm married to Jesus or
his brother. I have a will. Everything goes to my children, period.
(26:53):
That's it. Now I know the state. The law says
the husband has to get something and I'm fine with that,
but I I want to prenup that. Let's him know.
I want you to know everything. I have those to
my children because I'm breaking a generational pattern. My parents
left me nothing, their parents left them nothing. I'm not
(27:13):
doing that to my children and my grandchild. So it's
already laid down. Are you married again? No, no, I
would never. Never. Why? Never? Because the construct and concept
of marriage in this society does not fit what I
(27:33):
want in a partnership. I want to partnership and I
want an equal companion. I don't want someone that the
law tells me can or can does. Like I said,
man's law and God's law are not in alignment. What are,
I think, what's the difference between the two? First of all,
there's no law of love in Man's law. It's about property,
(27:56):
it's about male domination, it's about inequality of people in rights.
In Man's law and and God's law it's about love.
It's about harmony, which is a much high vibration and
it sees everyone with equanimity or equality. Everybody, and in
(28:16):
the law everybody is not equal on the color of
your skin and what you own, and I just don't
want to live like that. So I wouldn't. I would
never get married again. Now I could find me a
fine young thing. Me and you're both girls. That's my couation. No,
(28:36):
I plan to be coupled. I plan to be coupled
and have a companion and a partner. I want a partner,
because partners you're each of you are bringing something to
the table. Very often in marriage one person comes with
a knapsack and the other one comes with monogram luggage. No, no,
I'm not doing that. Wow. So the one thing that
(29:01):
was really stuck with me as well with what you
just said, was you don't attract men that cheat. How
do you not attract? How for people that may attract
that negativity or that type of man Um, how do
you know a woman or woman? Amen. Thank you. Thank
you for we are a little frisky out here in
(29:22):
the world today. Yes, Ma'am uh, not me. It's been
a you know, a year since I've gotten any action,
but that's fine. I'm not complaining. But yeah, so, how
how do you attract the opposite. You have to love
yourself first. Everything in your life comes by energetic invitation.
(29:43):
Everything when I was younger, I was I lived nine
years in an abusive marriage, but that's because I was
abused as a child, abuse in the home. Home, being
unhappy home, being violent, was a pathology that I live.
Once I healed that, disconnected that bonding pattern, it didn't
(30:04):
happen anymore. I don't need to be is physically, mentally,
emotionally or any other one. So once that happened, I
never attracted another man who cheated, or if he did,
I didn't know about it. But we didn't break up because,
you know, I never attracted another partner who cheated. Everything
comes into your life by energetic invitation. There's somatic therapists
(30:25):
will help you clean that stuff out and it's gonna
attract that. You know, if you're if you've got a
lot of fear in your body, you're gonna attract people
and experiences and relationships that trigger up your fear because
it's already in you, and not just that, just your career,
every every aspect of your life. Yeah, the the I
(30:46):
always say it's that I'm not enough, that I'm not enough,
you know, and changing that changing that frequency. It's very important.
Line was I'm not good enough. Got It, I'm not
good enough. That was my core belief. Yeah, they're ten
of them, ten core beliefs. Not Enough, not good enough, Um, unworthy, worthless, hopeless, Um, stupid.
(31:14):
I forget the other ones. Yeah, I think I fall
under all ten. Well, we all have some degree of it,
but that one core belief is the one that will
trigger up all of your Um experiences. So as we
do the personal development, more personal development work to really
heal and clear out those patterns. It's amazing how your
(31:37):
life shifts. You know, how you and also the people
you hang out with. I do believe you are who
you hang out with. I think that it's also very
important to clean house if you have to, or maybe
be with people that inspire you or that love themselves
and prospect themselves. You know, I mean, I don't think
it's all or nothing. It's not black or white, um,
(31:58):
but I think that you once you elevate your frequency,
like you're doing a lot of human word, YOU'RE gonna
elevate your frequency, people will fall out of your life.
The thing is not to get afraid and go run
after them. And sometimes the people that fall out of
your life are family because they're still vibrating at the
bonding frequency, the pathology of the of the ancestral and
(32:22):
generational line. Yeah, I know, I I was like, Oh
my God, I can't be with my system, my step system,
my mother, I just can't, until I did the three
a's awareness, acknowledgement and acceptance. What I did was I
learned how to become I became aware of where they
(32:42):
were vibrating and what it was triggering up for me.
I acknowledge, this is what they're triggering up and for
most of them, for me it was mostly I was
afraid that I'd always be like them, which means I
had a judgment about who they were. So I had
to accept them as they were, who they were as
they were, and then create boundaries that kept me safe
(33:06):
in my interactions with them. That's not a wall, not
a wall, not a wall, because, girl, my wall is
sometimes like the wall of China. Let's get around it.
I had a wall up with my sister, my older sister,
my cousin sister, and because she thought she was the
boss of me, and you know we are not thirties
(33:27):
and she still wanted to boss me around and I
hadn't yet perfected the communication to deal with that. So
we just stopped speaking, you know, we didn't. I just
didn't deal with her, and then she died and it
broke my heart because I hadn't spoken her in three
years and I said I would never do that again.
(33:48):
So my brother, who was cross addicted to drugs and alcohol,
who made you know, he was just a hot mess
and I loved it dearly, even my older brother, and
so one day he was making his mess on the phone.
He would call me every holiday and reminisce about how
horrible our life was and I just wasn't there. So
(34:10):
one year I said to him, if the only time
you can call me is Christmas, thanksgiving, new years and
my birthday to talk about how horrible daddy was and
how horrible we grew up, I really I don't want
to hear that anymore. So if that's all you have
to say to me, I'M gonna ask you not to
call me anymore. How and he didn't call me for
(34:32):
five years. He respected your boundary, yeah, he well, no,
he didn't expect my boundary. He was pissed off, but
I had to be willing to allow him to make
that choice. And then, after five years, he called my
office and somebody they called me. They said there's a
man on the phone that says he's your brother, of course,
(34:52):
because none of them have ever seen and I said, well,
what's his name, and they told me his name. I
said that is my brother. I called him, I picked
up the phone. He said Hey, how you doing, like
we had been talking every week, and I said I'm good.
How are you? He said I'm good, I'm good, but
I need a favor. What do you need? I need?
(35:15):
I said you need fifty dollars and he had a
whole long story. I said okay, and because I had
chosen to accept him the way he was, I sent
him a hundred and then I saw him every day
I was doing my show in New York. He came
to my studio every day and I let him in
and thirty days later he was dead of an overdose.
(35:38):
So I know he came back into my life just
for us to make that piece of for me to
have that ballot, and Um and the universe had prepared
me for him to be gone, because we spent five
years not together. And in that thirty days the last
thing my brother said to me was when I get
(36:00):
myself together, when I get myself together, I want to
take you together, he said, because you're painting my butt,
but you have been so good, m HM. And I
said to him my butt is big enough funds to dinner.
(36:24):
I have it. And that was the last conversation we had.
And about three days later, on the eve of his
fiftieth birthday, they called me to tell me that he
was dead of a drug over there. But we had
made Pete and and I had accepted him as who
he was. And the good news is this is good news.
(36:46):
Believe it or not. The reason he he died was
because he had been clean. He had been clean and
it was his birthday and he went out with some
people and reverted to bad skill and yes, when this
body couldn't take it. So boundaries are good. Asking what
(37:10):
you want is the other piece that we get tricked
up on. Sometimes we're afraid to ask for what we
want because we don't want to deal with the consequence. Guilty, guilty.
But also what's important that what you said is just
accept people as they are. They're not you know and
(37:30):
I always used to be like but I don't want
to be like that, you know dance mom, or that
person who's so strict. I don't have kids yet, but
if I do, you know, like I don't, I want
to be more. I come from a Filipina background and
you know, maybe being vulnerable didn't mean courageous at that time,
and it still was then and it is now, and
so I have to what I want to do is
(37:52):
like what maybe you have done, is change that pattern
and I and I don't think vulnerability is weakness. I
believe it's it's very it's scarier to be vulnerable than not.
And so, instead of just putting a negative connotation, but
my mom did the best that she could do. Because
of her, I am sitting here today like because she
worked her ass off, you know, coming from poverty, and
(38:13):
she helped me, just put me in a dance lessons
and I'm so grateful. So that does help, because even
with anything negative that happens in your life, it's important
just to accept that what happened and accept the person
and they did the best that they could. It gives you,
I guess that language or those sounds make me feel
more compassionate Um and have more empathy for the person. Also,
(38:37):
and this is the piece that so many of us
don't recognize, your soul, that internal part of you, shows
this life, this gender expression, this raised, this location, this nationality,
in order for you to learn what you needed to learn. Yeah, now,
(38:58):
most of us only learned through pain and dysfunction. Unfortunately,
we don't get it. And then the pain and the
dysfunction pushes us towards healing and personal development. Knows, and
once you get that, it's easier to stop being mad
at people. You know, my mother was an alcoholic. I
(39:19):
don't drink because my mother kept me drunk and womb
my first nine months I was drinking something. I don't know,
if Jin Brown liquor, I don't know. I grateful, you know,
because I have a very obsessive personality. You know. You
know your boundaries, I know. You know, and if I
(39:41):
had the propensity to drink, I don't know what would happen.
So it was a good thing for me, you know.
And I wasn't born with fetal alcohol syndrome. Nobody can
figure out why. Nobody can figure out why, but I wasn't.
But that wasn't my soul's purpose. My soul didn't need
that lesson. I didn't need to have that particular challenge
(40:03):
in addition to everything else that was going on. So
you know, I didn't have it. So I'm grateful. If
we understand that, everything you've been through, even this divorce,
it's something your soul is calling you to learn, to heal,
to recognize and your work, your work, your prayer work,
your therapy, your your Afric whatever it is that you
(40:26):
will take you. We'll take you. You're dancing. I was
a dancing ballet. Dancing to me is a form of meditation.
You know, it really takes you out of the physical
into a whole another realm. Absolutely, yeah, absolutely, so, Um,
(40:47):
it's it's all good. It's all good when I think
about you know, the worst what put me on my
spiritual path was a suicide attack. Okay, when I was
twenty one, postponum depression, Um, which back then, forty years ago,
they didn't even talk about, and I attempted to suicide
(41:10):
and in the midst of losing consciousness in my kitchen
I saw the most beautiful vision of what I called
the divine mother, sitting on the kitchen floor with me
as I'm losing consciousness and she said to me, or
what I heard was, because I don't want people to
think I hear voices, she's what I heard was do
(41:31):
you want to die or do you just want to
stop hurting and learn how to live? I said very
profound staking coming as life is draining out my wow,
and I said I just want to stop hurting. She said,
I'm going to teach you how to so I woke
(41:51):
up in the hospital. They had pumped my stomach. I
spent six and a half weeks in the Psychiatric Award
and Um, my sixth week old baby was with her
father and his girlfriend. And what I left because I
found that he had a girlfriend. and Um, it was
the most powerful time of my life. Stillness, no responsibilities. Um,
(42:18):
I wouldn't take their medication. I literally just sat there
and I learned how to get still, I learned how
to be in silence and that's when my soul unfolded. Wow,
that is so powerful. Yeah, you know, I um, I
was baptized Catholic and my mother is very religious and
(42:39):
she praised and part of my sobriety is doing the
twelve step program and it's too you know, believe in
a power higher than yourself, and for some reason I
it was really hard for me to wrap my head
around that. Now today, I definitely believe in a power
greater than myself, absolutely Um and I think that I
(43:04):
with meditation as well, with the stillness, transidental meditation, you know,
twice a day. It's that's giving back to also myself,
but also connecting to God and connecting to my higher power.
And I think once I believe that, I slowly started
to get there. I still have a long ways to go,
but once I slowly started believing in a higher power
(43:26):
or God, then it started just to I just let
it be, so be it, you know. It just kind
of made me feel I don't know, I just felt free.
I felt like all this like pressure off my shoulders,
to be quite honest, and I think that is a
lot some people are not religious at all, and you
don't have to be religious. I think it's just believing
in faith and have faith. I think that one of
(43:48):
the greatest spiritual technologies that we have available to us,
and when I say technology, I mean the thing that
you work or do or engage to create out chemical
change in the energy. That's what I say technology is,
I think one of the greatest a chemical technologies that
(44:09):
we have is the rosary. Mm Hmmm, Um, not because
I'm a Catholic. I'm a down home apple, last Apostolic Baptist.
That's how I was raised. Everything was a sick eyes.
Oh my Gosh, you the abolish everything. But the reason
(44:29):
I love the rosary is because it's to the divine mother,
which holds a heart. And so, of course I don't
do the rosary the way Catholics do it. I made
up my own rose. I have one in my person constantly.
I also don't do it like the way the Catholics
do it, but I do like to tap into that
(44:51):
heart centered energy of the divine mother. I love it.
You know, Mary, I've got to hold my own hail
Mary and it works for me. Yeah, I'm not asking
anybody for absolution or confession or whatever. Yeah, that is
a beautiful technology because it yes, yes, amen, you know,
(45:12):
I know you gotta go. So thank you so much, Ian.
I was gonna talk to you for hours because I could. Um,
thank you for really opening up my mind and you
know way you're changing my perspective and, Um, I appreciate
you so very much. Thank you, thank thank you. Thank you.
When your fans will join me on the our spot?
Absolutely every Wednesday. Okay, love to you than I keep watching.
(45:37):
Thanks girl. Thank you so much. Thank you. All right. Well,
that was so powerful. I knew that I would definitely
have some things to learn from Miss Ian La, and
everyone please check out her new podcast the our spot
and you can listen wherever you listen to podcasts. All right,
we're gonna take a break and then ask the question
(45:58):
of the week. Alright, so at the end of every episode,
as you guys know, we need to ask the listeners
the question of the week, which is what are some
of your boundaries in relationships? As I answered Um that
(46:19):
question as well in the interview, but for those that
may have not heard it, it's for me, it's cheating,
any type of emotional mental abuse and, Um, lies, no lies, please,
no lies. Anyway. Um. Okay, again, the question of the
week is what are some of your boundaries and relationships?
And we want to hear from you, guys, so email
us at Burke in the game, at I heart radio
(46:40):
DOT com, or d m US on Instagram at Burke
in the game. Thanks again to our amazing guest, Ian La.
Everyone check out her podcast, the R spot, and I'll
see you guys next week, but bye. Thanks for listening
and coming along this journey with me. If you like
what you hear, then feel free to give this podcast
five stars. You can also follow along with my journey
on Instagram at Burke in the game, and if you
(47:01):
have any advice or want to write in, then email
me at Birk in the game at IHEART RADIO DOT com.
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