July 5, 2022 • 36 mins
This one is for adults only....Cheryl is really opening up about her sex life with sexologist Shan Boodram. Shan is a certified sex educator, dating coach and relationship expert.Things may seem a little TMI and that's what makes this conversation sooooo good and important!Question: How long should you wait before having sex in a new relationship?Question: Should we all be more open about talking about sex?
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:03):
This is Burke in the Game and I heard radio podcast.
Hey guys, welcome back to Burke in the Game. I
wanted to first talk about how in the press the
headlines of for this week was about me forcing into therapy,
but um, you know, obviously that was an exaggeration. I
didn't force into therapy. I suggested it and he totally agreed.
(00:28):
So I don't think we can force anybody who's over
the age of eighteen to do it much, right, So
I just wanted to clear the air. So as far
as dating goes, because I know this is all about
getting me back in the game. I am definitely starting
to be curious, like I said last week to Sam,
and it doesn't necessarily um mean though, that I'm ready
(00:48):
to be to like get on Riyah or any of
these dating apps just yet. I definitely want to start
maybe meeting new people. Um And obviously that means I
have to get out of my comfort zone and out
of this house and in order to do so, right,
So it is something of curiosity. I guess I've been
(01:08):
feeling kind of lonely too lately. Um you know, I
can totally numb through productivity all I want, but at
the end of the day, you know, when I close
my eyes and go to bed, it is kind of lonely.
And UM, I wouldn't mind, you know, having a text
relationship with someone or even like just someone to flirt with, right,
I think this is all part of the game. So
(01:31):
I am open to definitely starting to date slowly but surely. However, UM,
I'm not so sure yet about these dating apps, but
I think that might be the only way because you know,
I have left my house a few times and it's
not that easy to meet people, right, So UM, we'll
see what happens. But anyway, UM, I am doing okay.
(01:53):
I have, um slowly started renovating my house to make
it more just mine, I guess again, and it's been
it's been interesting. I've actually tried to build some stuff,
and I throw temper tantrums like crazy, so that's been
really annoying. But other than that, I'm doing okay. I
you know, it's just a long process, you know when
it comes to getting a divorce, and I have to
(02:15):
be patient, as Laura Wasser said. But also, UM, it's
been an amazing outlet this podcast to be able to
talk about how I feel and to hold myself accountable.
And I've just learned so many new things, you know,
from all the guests that we've had, from all of
you guys. So let's bring in our guests. Shan Boutram, Hey,
(02:39):
Bachelor fans, it's Ben Higgins and it's Ashley I from
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(03:00):
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(03:21):
And since we've all been waiting so long for this
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(04:01):
your own personal fantasy suite for all things bachelor and
bachelor at that is good I learned from the best.
Next up, we have Shann Bedram, who is an intimacy
expert and has spent the past fifteen years discussing sex, relationships,
and attachment on the Internet and in the media. Her podcast,
(04:24):
Lovers and Friends with Shannon Bedram is available anywhere you
listen to podcasts, and she is now serving as a
sex and relationship expert on Peacock's new dating show X
Rated hosted by Andy Cohen, which I just saw and
oh my goodness, they exposed quite a lot. Hey girl, Hello,
how's it going. It's exactly how this call has started
(04:44):
in tactic. But that's a good thing. Sound good. Yeah,
I'm giving birth in a couple of months, so we
are doing construction right now to make space for the
second baby, and like, congratulations, that's amazing. Are you excited?
I don't know, girl, I use that word. I'm excited
to not be pregnant. I'm verified of having two babies.
So it's and is this one a lot easier than
(05:07):
your first one? Or is it the same? It's hard
to say, Actually, I don't know. Um, I got I
was very, very fatigued, and then I got COVID and
I just have found that I have a level of
fatigue at COVID about maybe a month and a half,
go two months, but my level of fatigue is just insane.
So I'm really hoping when I'm not pregnant don't have
energy again, because I'm like, lord, I have no idea
(05:27):
what this amount of energy? How MUNA do tuities? Plus work?
Plus I'm in school still too, so it's okay, Like
I'm picking. I'm choosing to do a lot right now,
right so I know that in two years, I'm like,
thank you thousand twenty two version of self who just
grinded and sacrificed. Well, you look gorgeous, um, let's get
(05:48):
straight into it. So I've done tons of research on
you and I love your work. I think you're awesome.
You're so you know they you're very empowering to s
women and especially when it comes to sex. But first off,
for the listeners, what is a sexologist? And I guess
what's the difference between a sexologist versus a sex therapist? Yes,
amazing questions. So a sexologist is to sex what a
(06:09):
nutritionist is to food. So a sexologist studies sex as
it relates mostly to biology, psychology, sociology, and similar to
a nutritionist. You can work in a variety of different settings.
You could be UM at a hospital in a clinical setting.
You could be doing experiments or food trials. You could
be in an educational standpoint righting curriculum. I work as
(06:32):
a public facing educator, so my job is not one
to one, it's one too as many people as possible
who will listen. And the difference between us therapists because
some sexologists are therapists and some sexologist or not. But
a sexologist who is a therapist UM can make diagnosis
is and can prescribe medication. So I don't diagnose, I
(06:54):
don't prescribe. I also don't work one to one with people.
But you're looking for one to one individual help. I
would definitely suggest looking for somebody who has an expertise
a sex therapist, who sexologist, but who was licensed? Got it?
And so what? So I took your quiz? Which one
I do? I love all the quizzes. I'm the one
that told me that I'm a modern monogamous. Oh, the
(07:16):
commitment quiz. It's a popular one. Yes, and I, um,
you know, it was really easy for me to answer
because I feel like I do know myself in that
sense and not yes, I'm jealous. Yes, I am a
modern monogamous, and I though I am definitely like I
looked at your YouTube channel, and um, I am interested
to know, Like I don't know you and your husband.
(07:36):
I don't know if I'm saying this right, So excuse me,
but you guys have an open relationship? Is that correct? Yes,
we would actually identify with free, which sorry, I'm comfortable. No,
I don't apologize. I actually stopped using the term open because, uh,
it didn't quite fit. And so the whole point of
labels is to give people a really fast word that
gives you a snapshot. Right, you're a label of modern monogamous. Essentially,
(07:59):
to me, is another word of saying serial monogamy. So
traditional monogamous believes in one person for life, whereas a
modern monogamous believes in one person at a time. Right
is that fit you? Yeah? Yeah, no it does. So
I'm going through a divorce currently right now. So um.
It also said something about how you know yet she's
not or whoever. The modern monogamus is not scared of,
(08:22):
you know, if if whatever happens or something doesn't work out,
not scared of leaving. I guess, I guess the traditional monogamous,
correct me if I'm wrong, is someone who would just
like stay no matter what, right exactly? Yeah? That that
the person's value system is that once I enter into
a partnership, like I'm always in it for life, and
I think a modern monogamous isn't. More of the standpoint
(08:42):
is we're in it for as long as this is healthy,
really healthy and mutually beneficial. Um. So that's exactly that.
And so the difference between i'd say open and free
is that in an open relationship, you're actively engaging in
outside connections to other people, that physical connections or emotional
that a romantic in nature. But in a free relationship
(09:03):
it just means our structure changes a lot, so I
open communication. Is that correct? You guys are on the
same page at all times? Yeah, Like I would say
that we're more monoga mish right now, where we're not
actively engaged with other people, but we still have space
to flirt. I am obviously very I make this joke
because I had a flirt buddy prior to being pregnant,
(09:25):
just somebody who I would just have flirty conversation with
and d m s and like if I posted sexy stuff,
they would comment, just like a field with flirt buddy.
And I remember getting pregnant being like, when do I
tell my flirt buddy I'm pregnant because I know this
is going to dry it up? And he finds out
and sure enough, now like I'm the most monogamous person
in the world. Well that's what I was gonna say, Like,
how do you do when you're pregnant? Right? Like right,
(09:47):
I changed mine with it. I just don't think it's
whatever reason. Maybe we're that personnel, but some people might
be now more to be like you know, oh you're
glowing Like it's it's a very different tone of conversation.
That same same goes for your husband correct or I
don't know. I mean I think he probably still has
flirty interactions. He does music and performs and stuff like Yeah,
(10:08):
like I I would say that he probably still has
more of a monogamish structure in his life. Um, So
that's I think what free is is that we agree
that the commitment style of our relationship is not a
foundation for why we came together. While we'll stay together,
that it can change and so sometimes we might look monogamous.
Maybe in the future we'll have a conversation where I'm like,
(10:28):
we're open now, but that just isn't the reality today.
And do you guys talk about like the detail like that?
Right now? I have a flirt Instagram buddy that I
flirt with, And are you guys open like that? Or
you don't tell like per you don't like say everything
right like you don't necessarily have to because you guys
have that trust and you can already tell I'm gonna overshare.
So yeah, like, yeah, there's nothing that like my partner
(10:51):
doesn't know. And I yeah, I'm definitely a communicative I
think I even asked him that question of like when
do I tell my flirt buddy that I'm pregnant, Okay,
I here, But when that communication stops, it must be different.
I mean, like then that's when things get weird, right,
I'm sure I would assume. I mean, I think it's
different for everybody. So open styles. I think under the
(11:13):
umbrella of nonmonogamy, consensual nonmonogamy, because nonmonogamy it's not consensual
it was cheating, but or infidelities. Under the umbrella of
consensual non monogamy, there's definitely don't ask, don't tell couples,
and there are definitely couples who subscribe to over communication.
I am somebody who I'm just fascinated. I'm fascinated by
this topic. And so I if my partner's tracking to
(11:35):
somebody I would want to know. Um, he probably is
a lot less communicative. I would be like, this person's hot,
that person's hot. You know. I asked him questions at
the time, like if you could have sex with one
person for your past, who would it be? He doesn't
initiate those dialogues with me, so and then maybe that's
less and that's men versus women, I think in general, right, um,
(11:55):
what would so what would a healthy I guess sex
life in involve or like, what does that mean? Is
it different from dating versus being married? Um? Like, I
know there's no set of rules, but like I guess
the communication they can just speak from experience. It's it's
awkward if you don't have that open communication or if
you're not really like you get too scared of what
(12:17):
that other person is going to think. So what does
that entail? I guess with a healthy sex life? Oh,
let me ask you to answer the question first, me
a better idea, love it. So what what would be
a healthy sex life like for you? Right? Well, for me,
it would be open communication. Um. And also I guess
being able to try new things and not be so
(12:39):
um structured. Right, even though I prefer I'm very O
C D. So I do prefer like sitting an alarm like, oh,
time to have sex, let's go. Like that's like obviously
not natural. Um. But yeah, I think just being able
to try new things with without the barriers of UM,
I don't know, Like I guess I don't like not
(13:00):
to answer your question. Yeah, I think it's a hard question.
It's really a hard question, and that's a good sign.
I think the fact that we have to think because
one it's ever evolving because it's based on my needs.
Like my idea of a healthy sex life today is
very depressing because I'm well, you're also eight months pregnant. Yes,
(13:22):
so I'm like being left alone, not having to do much.
Minimal positions, minimal right, minimal time. Um, that's what a
healthy sex life is to me today. But if you
were to ask me in a couple of months postpartum,
I really hope my answer is something very different. So
I think that that's you know, it's about a reflective
process of asking yourself, like what are my needs today?
(13:45):
I think of sex always, and I came into this
space with this in mind, and that there are some
things in life that we have to do if we
want to be a part of society, right, Like you
gotta get a job, or you gotta find some value
to contribute to society. You have to engage in relationships
because we're so animals. You probably have obligations to family members.
You have to maintain a certain level of hygiene. There's
(14:06):
a lot of half dus, right if you want to
engage in the social process, Like sex is not one
of those things, right, We don't need you to be
having sex because like, we've got enough of us out here.
Uh it was August, and I applaud you for that.
You know, you out here overpopulate in the planet. This
is my second so we need more of you. I
(14:27):
don't know. There's obviously different people, different opinions about birth
rate and et cetera. But nonetheless, the point of it
is like, this is this one area. The only reason
that you should be doing it is because it's additive
to your life, and it's joyful and something that complements
your other priorities. It's not a place of duty. Um,
it's not a place of must. So that to be said,
(14:48):
your answers should always be like, what is a way
that sex joyfully integrates into my life and into my priorities?
When I was really young, I've been in this space
since two thousand five, but I came up with a
model that was called super sex, which to me nearly
just you know, explains the kind of sex I want
to be having, which is sex that's set in my terms,
that uses protection, that is legger prioritizing, that is emotionally
(15:11):
responsible for me, and that is responsible in terms of
my other competing priorities. That to me is what good
sex was, you know, years ago, and I probably use
that same definition today. It just looks different, right, right, right,
And I think too with like porn nowadays, it's like
you have a different it's like it's just not attainable.
But also, you know, for me, I've gone through um,
(15:35):
you know, child abuse, and I was molested when I
was a little girl. So sex to me has been
thank you. Sex to me has been very much me
disassociating right with my body. And um, it's always like
so when I was younger, it was I was definitely
more promiscuous than I am now, but I was also
just married for you know a few years. So it's
(15:56):
like I with that, you know, with not having a
father figure in a way in my life and not
really understanding what bond between two people. It looks like, Um,
I think that I also would being a competitor in
ballroom dancing and traveling the world. Um, when I was thirteen.
I lost my virginity when I was thirteen, and sex
(16:17):
to me was very disconnected. I guess you could say
it was just the act of Now as I get older,
I'm thirty eight, now, you know, I'm on dancing with
the Stars and I've been on the show now since
I was twenty one. Um, so it's like it I've
definitely gotten through different done twenty five seasons. That's that's
what I can't even believe that. I like, Dancing with
(16:41):
the Stars was like two thousand and six, I think
it's two thousand and five was the first season I
would join the second. That's really fun history for me.
Yeah yeah, sure, um, And so I guess as I
get older, I and now I'm sober for the last
three and a half years, but like, thank you, it
was a lot easy or to have sex when I
was um using and when I was drinking, right, so um,
(17:05):
now I find myself not necessarily like look, I definitely
pleased myself and I just, um, I basically I took
my I helped myself accountable, and I really just aired
it all out on this podcast a couple of weeks ago,
just saying I've never had an orgasm through intercourse, but
through intercourse I've had an orgasm before, obviously pleasing myself,
(17:25):
but like it's there is a huge disconnect, and I
think that maybe it's my vulnerability is the reason why
I haven't allowed myself to have um an orgasm through intercourse, right,
I haven't felt safe enough. Maybe. Yeah, I saw that
headline and I saw it in a different way. I
saw it that you had never had an orgasm through
partnered sex. Intercourse is very different. Yeah. No, I've had
(17:48):
an orgasm with a partner before, but just not through intercourse.
That's crazy that that's even a headline that is literally
two thirds of right, not a headline that's like a
literal I've never had an orgasm from It's I refer
to it as like unassisted orgasms, So I can orgasm
(18:08):
if I'm having literal plus, yeah, there's not going to
be a world with all the toys and and partners.
There's probably likely not a world for me where it's
just penetration and that leads me to an orgasm. Okay,
so it's not abnormal then, not at all. I think
(18:29):
it's just not talked about maybe or people Again, like
a headline can say whatever it says, and then people
just like, you know, oh, she never had an orgasm
period ever, and it's like, no, that's not the case.
But is there a way to have an orgasm with penetration?
I guess is there just or it just depends on
the woman, right. Yeah. Actually, the very first episode of
my podcast that I put out was called like, I
(18:50):
have a Confession about orgasms, and it was exactly what
you just said that. I'm a sex educator who has
been in this space for fifteen plus years and I
have done every course, I've read every book, I immersed
myself with several different partners, and it's never happened for me.
And so I actually went to um uh cosmetic surgery
place for what person who does cosmic surgery on vaginas,
(19:13):
that's mostly what her job is, and um she does
something called the G shot, which is supposed to increase
the size and sensitivity of your G spot in order
to help you, you know, possibly achieve an unassisted orgasm.
Did not work for me, and so that we inject
you inside or is it? Yes? How did that hurt?
(19:33):
They put platelets in there, they've known the area first
and stuff about platelets that like you know, helped to
develop or growth in the area. So that doesn't make
any sense. What I just rest were you constantly like
horny or like no, not like that your lips veto
because it got suggesting me with testosterone instead. It's just
basically taking your platelets from your blood putting it into
(19:56):
that area in order to make it. I think of
like a picture's mound, So you know that you have
a field, and you have a pictures mound that's slightly
more raised, and so it would be easier to hit.
So that's kind of a concept of it. But yeah,
that to be said, the science that I've seen about
people who can because I say, the general study that
that the status out there right now is two thirds
of women need clitteral stimulation, outer clear stimulation or to
(20:19):
achieve orgasm um and that means one third are able
to achieve orgasm from penetraation alone. And my favorite fact
that I've read about that is from the book She
Comes First by Emily Morris, which essentially states that it's
called the rule of thumb. And so if your clitteral head,
you know, because the clitters is a larger network, but
the part that's exposed is less than a thumb, like
(20:43):
a thumb digit away from the vaginal opening, you likely
can orgasm from penetration alone because the friction alone, because
your clearter is pretty close to your vaginal opening on
cleral head once again, um might be enough stimulation for
you know, if you're clarist is higher up, then you're
not getting that direct stimulation that way, and so it
(21:05):
may not work. But that said, people can orgasm in
their sleep. It's interesting people. I can. I have nocturnal
orgasms all the time. Yeah, so from a dream or
do you not from a dream? Yeah? But girls, yes,
I'm assumed that to be said, anything is possible. It's
(21:27):
just essentially it's all brain, right, Like your brain can
be stimulated. It is. Yeah, so there are various different
ways to accomplish it. But yeah, I haven't figured it out.
And you're it's bizarre because I guess now that I
think about it. I saw the headline, I was like, oh,
it's a story of a person who's just never had
an orgasm with a partner. But no, that's just very Yeah,
(21:49):
and do you find that with people who have gone
through trauma? It's a lot um harder, I guess to
have an orgasm with a partner for example. Absolutely. I
mean just when we talk about that the brain is
the biggest sex organ that we have, it's not necessarily
even genitals, and so that mentally cannot relax if you
are in fight or flight. And we have this science
for people with penises, right, because we can think about
(22:11):
erectile dysfunction has this very visible Um, I don't want
to say the word consequence, but we can see what
sexual dysfunction looks like on men. Either you get a
direction or you don't. So women and people who evolve
us it's like we don't see it. So there's a
lot more speculation, but it's the same science involved. Majority.
(22:32):
A lot of erectile dysfunction occurs not necessarily because of
physiological issues, but mental. So that to be said, the
exact same thing applies, like a lot of women cannot
get aroused or cannot achieve orgasm because of mental blockages. Yeah. Um,
so when I guess, how do you start the conversation
with your partner? Right, Like, what are some ways to
(22:53):
if you're a partner is closed off and it's never
really been in conversation in the first place, what are
some ways to talk about sex? Well, another headline of
yours that I saw is that you talked to your
partner about therapy and so yeah, no, it was I
forced him, which was obviously an exaggeration. I can't force anybody.
Now that we're on that tone of understanding how tones
(23:14):
were scripted in a way that's not reflectively reality. I
can see what it is. But in essence, you talked
to someone who had never gone to therapy before and
probably had negative connotations about getting that kind of help,
and you introduce it into that person's life. Like how
did you do that? Um? Well, I said, I would
love for you to get another perspective, because I do
(23:34):
believe that. I mean, look, we had history together. Um,
we dated like ten years prior to us, you know,
dating again and then getting engaged and married. So um,
it was important for me to have my therapist kind
of be that third person in that mediator because I
tend to react instead of respond a lot, and then
you know, it gets personal instead of like this is
(23:56):
the facts, right, like this is what I'm currently working on,
And I think it's important just you have that third
person who's not really personally connected to either of us. Um,
And yeah, that really I found. I thought it helped
big times. So absolutely I asked you that question, um,
not to like get the scoop, but I mean it's
so great toe this scoop. I asked that question just
to really illustrate that that, uh, introducing novel concepts to
(24:19):
people is not that novel, right if you are with
somebody who they're just not accustomed to and let's just
think about this. Societally, we're not encouraged to talk about sex.
We're given a couple of weeks max, probably in high
school where we're dedicated to having sexual health conversations were
around the home. Our parents don't talk about intimacy around us,
and so the only ways that we see it discussed
(24:41):
are ways that are like very covert and then usually
over sexualized, like porn. And so we're like, this isn't
a normal part of conversation. This is something you only
do after leven PM and under very different conditions when
you want to have an honest conversation, like where would
you possibly go to get that information modeled for you?
So keep that in mind. Is a form of empathy.
So if you're trying to approach but to have this dialogue,
(25:04):
rather than being like they should be on the same
page as me, like, man, this person might have never
had this conversation before and they have no idea how
to have it in a way that is healthy and
also is not based in like you're doing something wrong, right,
So that to be said, I would start slow and
make it fun. My biggest tip for talking about sex
is like think about what you like about sex and
(25:26):
then try to apply that to the conversation and not
like I like about sex orgasming. Obviously it's not that
I mean the feelings Like I like when sex is experiment.
I I like when it's fun. I like when it's encouraging.
I like what it's kind of humorous. I don't want
it to be too serious so or like I'm bored,
and you know, like really try and just talk about
(25:47):
your feelings and stick with that, right, like find us
some sort of hope and encouragement instead of saying like, oh,
it's so boring, like we need to try something else. Yeah, yeah,
you want to bring that. And because even if you
are giving, you know, a critique, if you're it's the
different way you say it, right, Like there's a very
big difference between like I've never orgasmed with you before
(26:07):
and when you pleasure me and you really focus on
my clip and you give it the time that it needs,
and like, I love you have the sexiest lips. Ever,
so when you use your lips and your total down there,
I'm like always craving more. Um, I always feel like
I could get to orgasm with you if you just
gave that more time, because you're just so great at it.
(26:28):
But I would love if we did more of that
in the bedroom. I mean, I'm saying the same thing
that like, hey, like it's not getting me off, but yeah,
the the way that you say at the excitement, the
tone that you bring to it. But also I would
just marginally, I would just say it's a basic rule
of thumb. If you've never talked to somebody about something before,
you should make the conversation pleasurable so they want to
(26:51):
do it again. So even if you want to give notes,
I would probably hold off on giving notes till the
third time I talked at first. Just make it fun,
inviting and here yes, ask questions of them, and make
it feel like a safe space so that when you
bring up sex as a topic outside of the bedroom,
it's not an automatic defenses up or automatic dread. Now
they're like, oh, this is a conversation that results in
(27:12):
better sex and that I enjoy and that we have
fun having and that makes the tough bits, you know,
a little bit easier to take in and also be
honest right, Like I mean, I can count on countless
times that I've faked an orgasm or that I've definitely
you know, they are not they like I'm not all
the same time, but like my partner would ask, you know,
(27:34):
did you finish, and I'm like, yes, you know, because
I don't want to disappoint, especially right after. But it's
hard to really be honest right without emasculating them. Maybe,
what what do you suggest for women out there who
tend to fake it? And um, lie, yeah, I actually
had this coming into My best sexual partnership is with
(27:56):
my husband and when we first got together because my
previous partner to him, which just we had a really
bad sex life, and so I was I had other
sexual partners, but not penetrated sex. So my husband was
my first penetrative sexual partner after this really negative, long term,
toxic relationship. And I remember faking because I was so
accustomed to like, I don't want to take that long.
(28:18):
And I remember challenging myself one day to being like,
I'm just gonna because he's never complained before, right, And
Stu if he's going down on me, which typically is
what gets me off, um, instead of faking it because
I feel the internal pressure because sometimes we have to
realize that it's not even our partner who is not
getting us off, it's us who feels guilty about effort
and energy that we need. Um. And so I'm like,
(28:41):
let me just actually see if I don't say anything
and just let it go, like is he gonna quit?
Is he gonna pop up midway through? But you come yet?
How much more time? I'll just kind of see. And
I was like, oh, I came um. And it took
a while and I was like oh, And then I
allowed that to just be the cadence and then that
was like, now I'm an orgasming with my partner. So
I would say, troubleshoot with yourself first, like are you
(29:02):
actually the person who was standing in the way of
yourself receiving pleasure because you have some internalized messaging about
women's pleasure being secondary or boring or needing to take
a little bit of like at least month of time.
They get so fascinating that with men were like we
put so much pressure on them to spend the longest
time before the orgasm and with women were like on
(29:23):
a stop watch, like how cow fast can you come?
Because we want to move on to the things that
he likes? Yeah it's stupid, or just move on in general. Yeah, yeah,
let's go on with our day. I got a long
to do list, like can you come already? But if
your partner, you know, I think the best you could
probably do if somebody asks you, hey, did you did
you come? Like almost they didn't. Um. What really was
(29:45):
getting me close though, is when you were doing this
or you know what, Like I got really really turned on.
The four play was amazing. If I brought my vibrator
in while we were doing penetrative sex and maybe while
I was going down on you, that would really get
me there. So you don't have how about guys, I
get jealous of vibrators again, I would kind of have
the empathy because of the social conditioning of like, oh man,
(30:08):
your penis is supposed to be able to solve all
world hunger and care cancer and like babies from fires
and also give her twenty orgasms. So that's the messaging
that you see in porn, right, people, you know, you
can have an orgy and there's forty women, you give
them all twelve orgasms, but educating them about the two
thirds thing that we just had to just dialogue about that, Like,
(30:30):
you know, my husband had a really important conversation about
that of like, hey, majority of people who have body
parts look like mine are not going to orgasm the
way that you traditionally think, and so that doesn't mean
it's complicated or hard. And I actually have to explain
in a way because in a feed this form um
we all developed first kind of like women, and then
if your x y, you develop testicles and penis. But
(30:54):
essentially the clitterers and the penis are the same thing,
except the clitter is the shape like a wish bone,
so it's in two two parts. If you have a
penis emerges together that comes out and it's one. So
I need my penis stimulated. It just looks different than yours,
and so it's like, oh, it's internally a little bit maybe, Yeah,
So I think explaining to them that it's just going
(31:17):
to be possible given the way that they've been conditioned,
and that a sex toy is really an aid that
allows you to stimulate yourself while they're doing that, And
then also Yeah, having both at the same time. It's amazing.
It's not a substitute for the penis. It's like the
penis is still turkey. My vibrator is just the mashed potatoes. Yeah, exactly.
One last question before we wrap here. UM, thank you
(31:39):
for this information. This is very helpful. But uh, what
if I guess for all women out there who are
currently not active with another person, what do you recommend
as far as pleasuring yourself goes? What toys are there?
Specific toys? I mean, I like a good old pocket rocket.
I just just despied, but it doesn't take like a
(32:01):
huge long like Delda, like I just I don't. I've
never actually done that where like I stick it in. Um,
what do you recommend, I guess for for women that
are not actually active that you're on the right path.
You get your tried tested in true right, you identify
the easiest way, I mean, the most simplified way for
you to orgasm, and you get a toy that supports
(32:24):
that doesn't have to be a toy can be your
fingers or it can be water. Like my favorite sex
toy growing up was a showerhead. That was my tried
tested in true way now I think it's important the
same way that we do with sex is that we
want to expand. It's not necessarily about achieving goals, but
instead challenging ourselves to reach our pleasure potential. And that's
where additional toys, even though you don't need them um,
(32:46):
can definitely come into play. So you might find that
you've got a pocket rocket that you loved spot stimulator
I that doesn't have to vibrate UM even just be
the metal one that's a great tool to use because
it's very easy. So I can't remember who makes it,
but it's a stainless steel metal one that's very easy
to move. This coop sell it or they probably do.
(33:08):
It's like a classic sex toy that because sometimes the
ones that are straight are just a bit more difficult
to operate on yourself, especially if your other hand is
using that on a clitteral toy. That to be said,
find a good G spot simulator to do plus so
you're not substituting. You might do that plus that and
then you say, great, I really like that. What if
I did a butt plug plus the G spot because
(33:30):
the butt plug doesn't require your any hands? What is there?
It's like literally but yes, yes, so to create a
sense of fullness in the area because it's a it's
a nerve ending rich area. Um, and the more that
you can create pressure and that also as well to
the clitters. Again it's a larger network and so you
(33:50):
can access different parts of the clitterers or different spots
in general. So being familiar with the A spot and
with the O spot and with the G spot and
which one's are pleasurable for you to touch. So again
that we said, get your basic sex toy that you're like, pinch.
This is great, but give yourself an opportunity to expand
your pleasure potential solo. You don't have to wait for
(34:12):
a partner to experience a brand new explosive orgasm. It's
probably better if you don't because that way you can
communicate and teach them you know, where and how you
like to be touched for different sensations. Awesome, Thank you
so much. Thank you for doing this, and thanks for
the education. We need to be teaching this in schools.
I mean obviously not like kindergarten, but yeah, you know
the new sex said. Thank you girl, and um, I'll
(34:36):
talk to you soon on your podcast. Thank you I
look forward to it. Take thank you, bye bye. Thank
you so much to Shan Boudram for coming on the podcast.
I learned so much and UM, I love how outspoken
(34:59):
she is about X and you know, being just being
able to I guess learn how to not just give
pleasure but receive pleasure, right, So that is very important. Anyway,
let's move on to the question of the week. But
first we got lots of responses from all of you guys,
so thanks so much. From episode six is question of
the week, which was what are some ways to prevent
(35:20):
divorce early on? And what is the secret to a
long lasting marriage? Well, a lot of you guys had
a common theme, which was communication. Communication is so important
with any relationship. And I think obviously, you know, with
my X and with my ex as in general, that
obviously was missing towards the end. UM. I think without
open communication, especially with UM, a third party, whether that
(35:43):
be you know, a life coach, a therapist, or just
somebody who may not be connected as far as like
personally goes UM, I think it's very important to you know,
really have that open communication. Whether it is scary or not, UM,
it is important in order to save our relationship. Um okay,
so now let's move on to the question of the week.
At the end of every episode, we need to ask
(36:05):
all of you guys what the question is, which is
there are a million red flags when it comes to dating,
but are there any red flags when it comes to sex?
There are tons? Um, we want to hear from you guys,
so email us at Burke in the Game at i
heeart radio dot com or d m s on Instagram
at Burke in the Game. Talk to you soon. Bye.
(36:28):
Thanks for listening and coming along this journey with me.
If you like what you hear, then feel free to
give this podcast five stars. You can also follow along
with my journey on Instagram at burke in the Game
and if you have any advice or want to write in,
then email me at Burke in the Game at i
Heart radio dot com.
This is Burke in the Game and I heard radio podcast.
Hey guys, welcome back to Burke in the Game. I
wanted to first talk about how in the press the
headlines of for this week was about me forcing into therapy,
but um, you know, obviously that was an exaggeration. I
didn't force into therapy. I suggested it and he totally agreed.
(00:28):
So I don't think we can force anybody who's over
the age of eighteen to do it much, right, So
I just wanted to clear the air. So as far
as dating goes, because I know this is all about
getting me back in the game. I am definitely starting
to be curious, like I said last week to Sam,
and it doesn't necessarily um mean though, that I'm ready
(00:48):
to be to like get on Riyah or any of
these dating apps just yet. I definitely want to start
maybe meeting new people. Um And obviously that means I
have to get out of my comfort zone and out
of this house and in order to do so, right,
So it is something of curiosity. I guess I've been
(01:08):
feeling kind of lonely too lately. Um you know, I
can totally numb through productivity all I want, but at
the end of the day, you know, when I close
my eyes and go to bed, it is kind of lonely.
And UM, I wouldn't mind, you know, having a text
relationship with someone or even like just someone to flirt with, right,
I think this is all part of the game. So
(01:31):
I am open to definitely starting to date slowly but surely. However, UM,
I'm not so sure yet about these dating apps, but
I think that might be the only way because you know,
I have left my house a few times and it's
not that easy to meet people, right, So UM, we'll
see what happens. But anyway, UM, I am doing okay.
(01:53):
I have, um slowly started renovating my house to make
it more just mine, I guess again, and it's been
it's been interesting. I've actually tried to build some stuff,
and I throw temper tantrums like crazy, so that's been
really annoying. But other than that, I'm doing okay. I
you know, it's just a long process, you know when
it comes to getting a divorce, and I have to
(02:15):
be patient, as Laura Wasser said. But also, UM, it's
been an amazing outlet this podcast to be able to
talk about how I feel and to hold myself accountable.
And I've just learned so many new things, you know,
from all the guests that we've had, from all of
you guys. So let's bring in our guests. Shan Boutram, Hey,
(02:39):
Bachelor fans, it's Ben Higgins and it's Ashley I from
the Almost fame As podcast. While July four is known
for firecrackers, this year, July eleven will be firing off
some love crackers when the new season of The Bachelorotte
returns to TV with not one, but two back threats.
(03:00):
I'm gonna be honest, that's not your best work. Word
I lose you. I don't know love crackers. I knew
when it left my mouth. How about we just say
the new season of The Bachelorette promises to have double
the fireworks because Rachel and Gabby will both be competing
to find love. Oh yeah, let's go with that. Thanks.
(03:21):
And since we've all been waiting so long for this
to get ready, we're bringing you NonStop exclusive content, interviews
and behind the scenes secrets all of Bachelor Nation juice
you can handle. We're talking roses, tears, hookups, more tears.
We've got all the insider info for the new season
(03:41):
of The Bachelorette. Well, there's only one place to get it,
and that's by listening to the almost in this podcast.
You won't want to miss a thing, So subscribe to
Day and start listening. We're starting the pre party now
and we'll continue with coverage and breakdowns literally and figuratively
throughout the entire season. The most famous podcast. We're like
(04:01):
your own personal fantasy suite for all things bachelor and
bachelor at that is good I learned from the best.
Next up, we have Shann Bedram, who is an intimacy
expert and has spent the past fifteen years discussing sex, relationships,
and attachment on the Internet and in the media. Her podcast,
(04:24):
Lovers and Friends with Shannon Bedram is available anywhere you
listen to podcasts, and she is now serving as a
sex and relationship expert on Peacock's new dating show X
Rated hosted by Andy Cohen, which I just saw and
oh my goodness, they exposed quite a lot. Hey girl, Hello,
how's it going. It's exactly how this call has started
(04:44):
in tactic. But that's a good thing. Sound good. Yeah,
I'm giving birth in a couple of months, so we
are doing construction right now to make space for the
second baby, and like, congratulations, that's amazing. Are you excited?
I don't know, girl, I use that word. I'm excited
to not be pregnant. I'm verified of having two babies.
So it's and is this one a lot easier than
(05:07):
your first one? Or is it the same? It's hard
to say, Actually, I don't know. Um, I got I
was very, very fatigued, and then I got COVID and
I just have found that I have a level of
fatigue at COVID about maybe a month and a half,
go two months, but my level of fatigue is just insane.
So I'm really hoping when I'm not pregnant don't have
energy again, because I'm like, lord, I have no idea
(05:27):
what this amount of energy? How MUNA do tuities? Plus work?
Plus I'm in school still too, so it's okay, Like
I'm picking. I'm choosing to do a lot right now,
right so I know that in two years, I'm like,
thank you thousand twenty two version of self who just
grinded and sacrificed. Well, you look gorgeous, um, let's get
(05:48):
straight into it. So I've done tons of research on
you and I love your work. I think you're awesome.
You're so you know they you're very empowering to s
women and especially when it comes to sex. But first off,
for the listeners, what is a sexologist? And I guess
what's the difference between a sexologist versus a sex therapist? Yes,
amazing questions. So a sexologist is to sex what a
(06:09):
nutritionist is to food. So a sexologist studies sex as
it relates mostly to biology, psychology, sociology, and similar to
a nutritionist. You can work in a variety of different settings.
You could be UM at a hospital in a clinical setting.
You could be doing experiments or food trials. You could
be in an educational standpoint righting curriculum. I work as
(06:32):
a public facing educator, so my job is not one
to one, it's one too as many people as possible
who will listen. And the difference between us therapists because
some sexologists are therapists and some sexologist or not. But
a sexologist who is a therapist UM can make diagnosis
is and can prescribe medication. So I don't diagnose, I
(06:54):
don't prescribe. I also don't work one to one with people.
But you're looking for one to one individual help. I
would definitely suggest looking for somebody who has an expertise
a sex therapist, who sexologist, but who was licensed? Got it?
And so what? So I took your quiz? Which one
I do? I love all the quizzes. I'm the one
that told me that I'm a modern monogamous. Oh, the
(07:16):
commitment quiz. It's a popular one. Yes, and I, um,
you know, it was really easy for me to answer
because I feel like I do know myself in that
sense and not yes, I'm jealous. Yes, I am a
modern monogamous, and I though I am definitely like I
looked at your YouTube channel, and um, I am interested
to know, Like I don't know you and your husband.
(07:36):
I don't know if I'm saying this right, So excuse me,
but you guys have an open relationship? Is that correct? Yes,
we would actually identify with free, which sorry, I'm comfortable. No,
I don't apologize. I actually stopped using the term open because, uh,
it didn't quite fit. And so the whole point of
labels is to give people a really fast word that
gives you a snapshot. Right, you're a label of modern monogamous. Essentially,
(07:59):
to me, is another word of saying serial monogamy. So
traditional monogamous believes in one person for life, whereas a
modern monogamous believes in one person at a time. Right
is that fit you? Yeah? Yeah, no it does. So
I'm going through a divorce currently right now. So um.
It also said something about how you know yet she's
not or whoever. The modern monogamus is not scared of,
(08:22):
you know, if if whatever happens or something doesn't work out,
not scared of leaving. I guess, I guess the traditional monogamous,
correct me if I'm wrong, is someone who would just
like stay no matter what, right exactly? Yeah? That that
the person's value system is that once I enter into
a partnership, like I'm always in it for life, and
I think a modern monogamous isn't. More of the standpoint
(08:42):
is we're in it for as long as this is healthy,
really healthy and mutually beneficial. Um. So that's exactly that.
And so the difference between i'd say open and free
is that in an open relationship, you're actively engaging in
outside connections to other people, that physical connections or emotional
that a romantic in nature. But in a free relationship
(09:03):
it just means our structure changes a lot, so I
open communication. Is that correct? You guys are on the
same page at all times? Yeah, Like I would say
that we're more monoga mish right now, where we're not
actively engaged with other people, but we still have space
to flirt. I am obviously very I make this joke
because I had a flirt buddy prior to being pregnant,
(09:25):
just somebody who I would just have flirty conversation with
and d m s and like if I posted sexy stuff,
they would comment, just like a field with flirt buddy.
And I remember getting pregnant being like, when do I
tell my flirt buddy I'm pregnant because I know this
is going to dry it up? And he finds out
and sure enough, now like I'm the most monogamous person
in the world. Well that's what I was gonna say, Like,
how do you do when you're pregnant? Right? Like right,
(09:47):
I changed mine with it. I just don't think it's
whatever reason. Maybe we're that personnel, but some people might
be now more to be like you know, oh you're
glowing Like it's it's a very different tone of conversation.
That same same goes for your husband correct or I
don't know. I mean I think he probably still has
flirty interactions. He does music and performs and stuff like Yeah,
(10:08):
like I I would say that he probably still has
more of a monogamish structure in his life. Um, So
that's I think what free is is that we agree
that the commitment style of our relationship is not a
foundation for why we came together. While we'll stay together,
that it can change and so sometimes we might look monogamous.
Maybe in the future we'll have a conversation where I'm like,
(10:28):
we're open now, but that just isn't the reality today.
And do you guys talk about like the detail like that?
Right now? I have a flirt Instagram buddy that I
flirt with, And are you guys open like that? Or
you don't tell like per you don't like say everything
right like you don't necessarily have to because you guys
have that trust and you can already tell I'm gonna overshare.
So yeah, like, yeah, there's nothing that like my partner
(10:51):
doesn't know. And I yeah, I'm definitely a communicative I
think I even asked him that question of like when
do I tell my flirt buddy that I'm pregnant, Okay,
I here, But when that communication stops, it must be different.
I mean, like then that's when things get weird, right,
I'm sure I would assume. I mean, I think it's
different for everybody. So open styles. I think under the
(11:13):
umbrella of nonmonogamy, consensual nonmonogamy, because nonmonogamy it's not consensual
it was cheating, but or infidelities. Under the umbrella of
consensual non monogamy, there's definitely don't ask, don't tell couples,
and there are definitely couples who subscribe to over communication.
I am somebody who I'm just fascinated. I'm fascinated by
this topic. And so I if my partner's tracking to
(11:35):
somebody I would want to know. Um, he probably is
a lot less communicative. I would be like, this person's hot,
that person's hot. You know. I asked him questions at
the time, like if you could have sex with one
person for your past, who would it be? He doesn't
initiate those dialogues with me, so and then maybe that's
less and that's men versus women, I think in general, right, um,
(11:55):
what would so what would a healthy I guess sex
life in involve or like, what does that mean? Is
it different from dating versus being married? Um? Like, I
know there's no set of rules, but like I guess
the communication they can just speak from experience. It's it's
awkward if you don't have that open communication or if
you're not really like you get too scared of what
(12:17):
that other person is going to think. So what does
that entail? I guess with a healthy sex life? Oh,
let me ask you to answer the question first, me
a better idea, love it. So what what would be
a healthy sex life like for you? Right? Well, for me,
it would be open communication. Um. And also I guess
being able to try new things and not be so
(12:39):
um structured. Right, even though I prefer I'm very O
C D. So I do prefer like sitting an alarm like, oh,
time to have sex, let's go. Like that's like obviously
not natural. Um. But yeah, I think just being able
to try new things with without the barriers of UM,
I don't know, Like I guess I don't like not
(13:00):
to answer your question. Yeah, I think it's a hard question.
It's really a hard question, and that's a good sign.
I think the fact that we have to think because
one it's ever evolving because it's based on my needs.
Like my idea of a healthy sex life today is
very depressing because I'm well, you're also eight months pregnant. Yes,
(13:22):
so I'm like being left alone, not having to do much.
Minimal positions, minimal right, minimal time. Um, that's what a
healthy sex life is to me today. But if you
were to ask me in a couple of months postpartum,
I really hope my answer is something very different. So
I think that that's you know, it's about a reflective
process of asking yourself, like what are my needs today?
(13:45):
I think of sex always, and I came into this
space with this in mind, and that there are some
things in life that we have to do if we
want to be a part of society, right, Like you
gotta get a job, or you gotta find some value
to contribute to society. You have to engage in relationships
because we're so animals. You probably have obligations to family members.
You have to maintain a certain level of hygiene. There's
(14:06):
a lot of half dus, right if you want to
engage in the social process, Like sex is not one
of those things, right, We don't need you to be
having sex because like, we've got enough of us out here.
Uh it was August, and I applaud you for that.
You know, you out here overpopulate in the planet. This
is my second so we need more of you. I
(14:27):
don't know. There's obviously different people, different opinions about birth
rate and et cetera. But nonetheless, the point of it
is like, this is this one area. The only reason
that you should be doing it is because it's additive
to your life, and it's joyful and something that complements
your other priorities. It's not a place of duty. Um,
it's not a place of must. So that to be said,
(14:48):
your answers should always be like, what is a way
that sex joyfully integrates into my life and into my priorities?
When I was really young, I've been in this space
since two thousand five, but I came up with a
model that was called super sex, which to me nearly
just you know, explains the kind of sex I want
to be having, which is sex that's set in my terms,
that uses protection, that is legger prioritizing, that is emotionally
(15:11):
responsible for me, and that is responsible in terms of
my other competing priorities. That to me is what good
sex was, you know, years ago, and I probably use
that same definition today. It just looks different, right, right, right,
And I think too with like porn nowadays, it's like
you have a different it's like it's just not attainable.
But also, you know, for me, I've gone through um,
(15:35):
you know, child abuse, and I was molested when I
was a little girl. So sex to me has been
thank you. Sex to me has been very much me
disassociating right with my body. And um, it's always like
so when I was younger, it was I was definitely
more promiscuous than I am now, but I was also
just married for you know a few years. So it's
(15:56):
like I with that, you know, with not having a
father figure in a way in my life and not
really understanding what bond between two people. It looks like, Um,
I think that I also would being a competitor in
ballroom dancing and traveling the world. Um, when I was thirteen.
I lost my virginity when I was thirteen, and sex
(16:17):
to me was very disconnected. I guess you could say
it was just the act of Now as I get older,
I'm thirty eight, now, you know, I'm on dancing with
the Stars and I've been on the show now since
I was twenty one. Um, so it's like it I've
definitely gotten through different done twenty five seasons. That's that's
what I can't even believe that. I like, Dancing with
(16:41):
the Stars was like two thousand and six, I think
it's two thousand and five was the first season I
would join the second. That's really fun history for me.
Yeah yeah, sure, um, And so I guess as I
get older, I and now I'm sober for the last
three and a half years, but like, thank you, it
was a lot easy or to have sex when I
was um using and when I was drinking, right, so um,
(17:05):
now I find myself not necessarily like look, I definitely
pleased myself and I just, um, I basically I took
my I helped myself accountable, and I really just aired
it all out on this podcast a couple of weeks ago,
just saying I've never had an orgasm through intercourse, but
through intercourse I've had an orgasm before, obviously pleasing myself,
(17:25):
but like it's there is a huge disconnect, and I
think that maybe it's my vulnerability is the reason why
I haven't allowed myself to have um an orgasm through intercourse, right,
I haven't felt safe enough. Maybe. Yeah, I saw that
headline and I saw it in a different way. I
saw it that you had never had an orgasm through
partnered sex. Intercourse is very different. Yeah. No, I've had
(17:48):
an orgasm with a partner before, but just not through intercourse.
That's crazy that that's even a headline that is literally
two thirds of right, not a headline that's like a
literal I've never had an orgasm from It's I refer
to it as like unassisted orgasms, So I can orgasm
(18:08):
if I'm having literal plus, yeah, there's not going to
be a world with all the toys and and partners.
There's probably likely not a world for me where it's
just penetration and that leads me to an orgasm. Okay,
so it's not abnormal then, not at all. I think
(18:29):
it's just not talked about maybe or people Again, like
a headline can say whatever it says, and then people
just like, you know, oh, she never had an orgasm
period ever, and it's like, no, that's not the case.
But is there a way to have an orgasm with penetration?
I guess is there just or it just depends on
the woman, right. Yeah. Actually, the very first episode of
my podcast that I put out was called like, I
(18:50):
have a Confession about orgasms, and it was exactly what
you just said that. I'm a sex educator who has
been in this space for fifteen plus years and I
have done every course, I've read every book, I immersed
myself with several different partners, and it's never happened for me.
And so I actually went to um uh cosmetic surgery
place for what person who does cosmic surgery on vaginas,
(19:13):
that's mostly what her job is, and um she does
something called the G shot, which is supposed to increase
the size and sensitivity of your G spot in order
to help you, you know, possibly achieve an unassisted orgasm.
Did not work for me, and so that we inject
you inside or is it? Yes? How did that hurt?
(19:33):
They put platelets in there, they've known the area first
and stuff about platelets that like you know, helped to
develop or growth in the area. So that doesn't make
any sense. What I just rest were you constantly like
horny or like no, not like that your lips veto
because it got suggesting me with testosterone instead. It's just
basically taking your platelets from your blood putting it into
(19:56):
that area in order to make it. I think of
like a picture's mound, So you know that you have
a field, and you have a pictures mound that's slightly
more raised, and so it would be easier to hit.
So that's kind of a concept of it. But yeah,
that to be said, the science that I've seen about
people who can because I say, the general study that
that the status out there right now is two thirds
of women need clitteral stimulation, outer clear stimulation or to
(20:19):
achieve orgasm um and that means one third are able
to achieve orgasm from penetraation alone. And my favorite fact
that I've read about that is from the book She
Comes First by Emily Morris, which essentially states that it's
called the rule of thumb. And so if your clitteral head,
you know, because the clitters is a larger network, but
the part that's exposed is less than a thumb, like
(20:43):
a thumb digit away from the vaginal opening, you likely
can orgasm from penetration alone because the friction alone, because
your clearter is pretty close to your vaginal opening on
cleral head once again, um might be enough stimulation for
you know, if you're clarist is higher up, then you're
not getting that direct stimulation that way, and so it
(21:05):
may not work. But that said, people can orgasm in
their sleep. It's interesting people. I can. I have nocturnal
orgasms all the time. Yeah, so from a dream or
do you not from a dream? Yeah? But girls, yes,
I'm assumed that to be said, anything is possible. It's
(21:27):
just essentially it's all brain, right, Like your brain can
be stimulated. It is. Yeah, so there are various different
ways to accomplish it. But yeah, I haven't figured it out.
And you're it's bizarre because I guess now that I
think about it. I saw the headline, I was like, oh,
it's a story of a person who's just never had
an orgasm with a partner. But no, that's just very Yeah,
(21:49):
and do you find that with people who have gone
through trauma? It's a lot um harder, I guess to
have an orgasm with a partner for example. Absolutely. I
mean just when we talk about that the brain is
the biggest sex organ that we have, it's not necessarily
even genitals, and so that mentally cannot relax if you
are in fight or flight. And we have this science
for people with penises, right, because we can think about
(22:11):
erectile dysfunction has this very visible Um, I don't want
to say the word consequence, but we can see what
sexual dysfunction looks like on men. Either you get a
direction or you don't. So women and people who evolve
us it's like we don't see it. So there's a
lot more speculation, but it's the same science involved. Majority.
(22:32):
A lot of erectile dysfunction occurs not necessarily because of
physiological issues, but mental. So that to be said, the
exact same thing applies, like a lot of women cannot
get aroused or cannot achieve orgasm because of mental blockages. Yeah. Um,
so when I guess, how do you start the conversation
with your partner? Right, Like, what are some ways to
(22:53):
if you're a partner is closed off and it's never
really been in conversation in the first place, what are
some ways to talk about sex? Well, another headline of
yours that I saw is that you talked to your
partner about therapy and so yeah, no, it was I
forced him, which was obviously an exaggeration. I can't force anybody.
Now that we're on that tone of understanding how tones
(23:14):
were scripted in a way that's not reflectively reality. I
can see what it is. But in essence, you talked
to someone who had never gone to therapy before and
probably had negative connotations about getting that kind of help,
and you introduce it into that person's life. Like how
did you do that? Um? Well, I said, I would
love for you to get another perspective, because I do
(23:34):
believe that. I mean, look, we had history together. Um,
we dated like ten years prior to us, you know,
dating again and then getting engaged and married. So um,
it was important for me to have my therapist kind
of be that third person in that mediator because I
tend to react instead of respond a lot, and then
you know, it gets personal instead of like this is
(23:56):
the facts, right, like this is what I'm currently working on,
And I think it's important just you have that third
person who's not really personally connected to either of us. Um,
And yeah, that really I found. I thought it helped
big times. So absolutely I asked you that question, um,
not to like get the scoop, but I mean it's
so great toe this scoop. I asked that question just
to really illustrate that that, uh, introducing novel concepts to
(24:19):
people is not that novel, right if you are with
somebody who they're just not accustomed to and let's just
think about this. Societally, we're not encouraged to talk about sex.
We're given a couple of weeks max, probably in high
school where we're dedicated to having sexual health conversations were
around the home. Our parents don't talk about intimacy around us,
and so the only ways that we see it discussed
(24:41):
are ways that are like very covert and then usually
over sexualized, like porn. And so we're like, this isn't
a normal part of conversation. This is something you only
do after leven PM and under very different conditions when
you want to have an honest conversation, like where would
you possibly go to get that information modeled for you?
So keep that in mind. Is a form of empathy.
So if you're trying to approach but to have this dialogue,
(25:04):
rather than being like they should be on the same
page as me, like, man, this person might have never
had this conversation before and they have no idea how
to have it in a way that is healthy and
also is not based in like you're doing something wrong, right,
So that to be said, I would start slow and
make it fun. My biggest tip for talking about sex
is like think about what you like about sex and
(25:26):
then try to apply that to the conversation and not
like I like about sex orgasming. Obviously it's not that
I mean the feelings Like I like when sex is experiment.
I I like when it's fun. I like when it's encouraging.
I like what it's kind of humorous. I don't want
it to be too serious so or like I'm bored,
and you know, like really try and just talk about
(25:47):
your feelings and stick with that, right, like find us
some sort of hope and encouragement instead of saying like, oh,
it's so boring, like we need to try something else. Yeah, yeah,
you want to bring that. And because even if you
are giving, you know, a critique, if you're it's the
different way you say it, right, Like there's a very
big difference between like I've never orgasmed with you before
(26:07):
and when you pleasure me and you really focus on
my clip and you give it the time that it needs,
and like, I love you have the sexiest lips. Ever,
so when you use your lips and your total down there,
I'm like always craving more. Um, I always feel like
I could get to orgasm with you if you just
gave that more time, because you're just so great at it.
(26:28):
But I would love if we did more of that
in the bedroom. I mean, I'm saying the same thing
that like, hey, like it's not getting me off, but yeah,
the the way that you say at the excitement, the
tone that you bring to it. But also I would
just marginally, I would just say it's a basic rule
of thumb. If you've never talked to somebody about something before,
you should make the conversation pleasurable so they want to
(26:51):
do it again. So even if you want to give notes,
I would probably hold off on giving notes till the
third time I talked at first. Just make it fun,
inviting and here yes, ask questions of them, and make
it feel like a safe space so that when you
bring up sex as a topic outside of the bedroom,
it's not an automatic defenses up or automatic dread. Now
they're like, oh, this is a conversation that results in
(27:12):
better sex and that I enjoy and that we have
fun having and that makes the tough bits, you know,
a little bit easier to take in and also be
honest right, Like I mean, I can count on countless
times that I've faked an orgasm or that I've definitely
you know, they are not they like I'm not all
the same time, but like my partner would ask, you know,
(27:34):
did you finish, and I'm like, yes, you know, because
I don't want to disappoint, especially right after. But it's
hard to really be honest right without emasculating them. Maybe,
what what do you suggest for women out there who
tend to fake it? And um, lie, yeah, I actually
had this coming into My best sexual partnership is with
(27:56):
my husband and when we first got together because my
previous partner to him, which just we had a really
bad sex life, and so I was I had other
sexual partners, but not penetrated sex. So my husband was
my first penetrative sexual partner after this really negative, long term,
toxic relationship. And I remember faking because I was so
accustomed to like, I don't want to take that long.
(28:18):
And I remember challenging myself one day to being like,
I'm just gonna because he's never complained before, right, And
Stu if he's going down on me, which typically is
what gets me off, um, instead of faking it because
I feel the internal pressure because sometimes we have to
realize that it's not even our partner who is not
getting us off, it's us who feels guilty about effort
and energy that we need. Um. And so I'm like,
(28:41):
let me just actually see if I don't say anything
and just let it go, like is he gonna quit?
Is he gonna pop up midway through? But you come yet?
How much more time? I'll just kind of see. And
I was like, oh, I came um. And it took
a while and I was like oh, And then I
allowed that to just be the cadence and then that
was like, now I'm an orgasming with my partner. So
I would say, troubleshoot with yourself first, like are you
(29:02):
actually the person who was standing in the way of
yourself receiving pleasure because you have some internalized messaging about
women's pleasure being secondary or boring or needing to take
a little bit of like at least month of time.
They get so fascinating that with men were like we
put so much pressure on them to spend the longest
time before the orgasm and with women were like on
(29:23):
a stop watch, like how cow fast can you come?
Because we want to move on to the things that
he likes? Yeah it's stupid, or just move on in general. Yeah, yeah,
let's go on with our day. I got a long
to do list, like can you come already? But if
your partner, you know, I think the best you could
probably do if somebody asks you, hey, did you did
you come? Like almost they didn't. Um. What really was
(29:45):
getting me close though, is when you were doing this
or you know what, Like I got really really turned on.
The four play was amazing. If I brought my vibrator
in while we were doing penetrative sex and maybe while
I was going down on you, that would really get
me there. So you don't have how about guys, I
get jealous of vibrators again, I would kind of have
the empathy because of the social conditioning of like, oh man,
(30:08):
your penis is supposed to be able to solve all
world hunger and care cancer and like babies from fires
and also give her twenty orgasms. So that's the messaging
that you see in porn, right, people, you know, you
can have an orgy and there's forty women, you give
them all twelve orgasms, but educating them about the two
thirds thing that we just had to just dialogue about that, Like,
(30:30):
you know, my husband had a really important conversation about
that of like, hey, majority of people who have body
parts look like mine are not going to orgasm the
way that you traditionally think, and so that doesn't mean
it's complicated or hard. And I actually have to explain
in a way because in a feed this form um
we all developed first kind of like women, and then
if your x y, you develop testicles and penis. But
(30:54):
essentially the clitterers and the penis are the same thing,
except the clitter is the shape like a wish bone,
so it's in two two parts. If you have a
penis emerges together that comes out and it's one. So
I need my penis stimulated. It just looks different than yours,
and so it's like, oh, it's internally a little bit maybe, Yeah,
So I think explaining to them that it's just going
(31:17):
to be possible given the way that they've been conditioned,
and that a sex toy is really an aid that
allows you to stimulate yourself while they're doing that, And
then also Yeah, having both at the same time. It's amazing.
It's not a substitute for the penis. It's like the
penis is still turkey. My vibrator is just the mashed potatoes. Yeah, exactly.
One last question before we wrap here. UM, thank you
(31:39):
for this information. This is very helpful. But uh, what
if I guess for all women out there who are
currently not active with another person, what do you recommend
as far as pleasuring yourself goes? What toys are there?
Specific toys? I mean, I like a good old pocket rocket.
I just just despied, but it doesn't take like a
(32:01):
huge long like Delda, like I just I don't. I've
never actually done that where like I stick it in. Um,
what do you recommend, I guess for for women that
are not actually active that you're on the right path.
You get your tried tested in true right, you identify
the easiest way, I mean, the most simplified way for
you to orgasm, and you get a toy that supports
(32:24):
that doesn't have to be a toy can be your
fingers or it can be water. Like my favorite sex
toy growing up was a showerhead. That was my tried
tested in true way now I think it's important the
same way that we do with sex is that we
want to expand. It's not necessarily about achieving goals, but
instead challenging ourselves to reach our pleasure potential. And that's
where additional toys, even though you don't need them um,
(32:46):
can definitely come into play. So you might find that
you've got a pocket rocket that you loved spot stimulator
I that doesn't have to vibrate UM even just be
the metal one that's a great tool to use because
it's very easy. So I can't remember who makes it,
but it's a stainless steel metal one that's very easy
to move. This coop sell it or they probably do.
(33:08):
It's like a classic sex toy that because sometimes the
ones that are straight are just a bit more difficult
to operate on yourself, especially if your other hand is
using that on a clitteral toy. That to be said,
find a good G spot simulator to do plus so
you're not substituting. You might do that plus that and
then you say, great, I really like that. What if
I did a butt plug plus the G spot because
(33:30):
the butt plug doesn't require your any hands? What is there?
It's like literally but yes, yes, so to create a
sense of fullness in the area because it's a it's
a nerve ending rich area. Um, and the more that
you can create pressure and that also as well to
the clitters. Again it's a larger network and so you
(33:50):
can access different parts of the clitterers or different spots
in general. So being familiar with the A spot and
with the O spot and with the G spot and
which one's are pleasurable for you to touch. So again
that we said, get your basic sex toy that you're like, pinch.
This is great, but give yourself an opportunity to expand
your pleasure potential solo. You don't have to wait for
(34:12):
a partner to experience a brand new explosive orgasm. It's
probably better if you don't because that way you can
communicate and teach them you know, where and how you
like to be touched for different sensations. Awesome, Thank you
so much. Thank you for doing this, and thanks for
the education. We need to be teaching this in schools.
I mean obviously not like kindergarten, but yeah, you know
the new sex said. Thank you girl, and um, I'll
(34:36):
talk to you soon on your podcast. Thank you I
look forward to it. Take thank you, bye bye. Thank
you so much to Shan Boudram for coming on the podcast.
I learned so much and UM, I love how outspoken
(34:59):
she is about X and you know, being just being
able to I guess learn how to not just give
pleasure but receive pleasure, right, So that is very important. Anyway,
let's move on to the question of the week. But
first we got lots of responses from all of you guys,
so thanks so much. From episode six is question of
the week, which was what are some ways to prevent
(35:20):
divorce early on? And what is the secret to a
long lasting marriage? Well, a lot of you guys had
a common theme, which was communication. Communication is so important
with any relationship. And I think obviously, you know, with
my X and with my ex as in general, that
obviously was missing towards the end. UM. I think without
open communication, especially with UM, a third party, whether that
(35:43):
be you know, a life coach, a therapist, or just
somebody who may not be connected as far as like
personally goes UM, I think it's very important to you know,
really have that open communication. Whether it is scary or not, UM,
it is important in order to save our relationship. Um okay,
so now let's move on to the question of the week.
At the end of every episode, we need to ask
(36:05):
all of you guys what the question is, which is
there are a million red flags when it comes to dating,
but are there any red flags when it comes to sex?
There are tons? Um, we want to hear from you guys,
so email us at Burke in the Game at i
heeart radio dot com or d m s on Instagram
at Burke in the Game. Talk to you soon. Bye.
(36:28):
Thanks for listening and coming along this journey with me.
If you like what you hear, then feel free to
give this podcast five stars. You can also follow along
with my journey on Instagram at burke in the Game
and if you have any advice or want to write in,
then email me at Burke in the Game at i
Heart radio dot com.
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