September 20, 2023 • 43 mins
What is up, Cadaver Pals??? Gabbie harassed Nikka and Taylor into recording a little promo for her new podcast AMERICAN FILTH, out now. But the Gals also do some catching up, SO LISTEN IN AND UP AND AROUND! XOXO, miss you all!
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:08):
School of humans we're recording. Isn't that crazy? It is crazy.
Speaker 2 (00:13):
It's been so long, It has.
Speaker 1 (00:15):
Been so long. Who the fuck are you guys? I
don't even know what I am.
Speaker 3 (00:20):
An ancient being because being ancient is not bad. Okay,
well apparently I'm an old lady now, all.
Speaker 1 (00:25):
Right, Nika is ancient. You're an old lady, and I'm
just so much has changed, Haggard, so much has changed.
But I guess we could remind people who we I'm Gabby.
Speaker 2 (00:35):
Yeah, I'm Nica.
Speaker 4 (00:36):
I'm Taylor, and.
Speaker 1 (00:38):
We also have two cats here. We got Jimmy and Patsy.
I have a new cat, which that's a crazy thing.
Speaker 2 (00:43):
Welcome, Katty has a new cat. I have a new dog.
Nica fostered cats, I did.
Speaker 3 (00:48):
I fostered four kittens, which, my god, never becoming a mother.
I'm literally getting my tubestied very soon. Anyway, Do you
think you'd have kittens?
Speaker 1 (00:57):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (00:57):
If I were to get pregnant right now by a human,
I would birth kittens because that's just.
Speaker 5 (01:01):
Who I am as a person.
Speaker 1 (01:02):
Yeah that makes sense. Yeah, so freaky. It's sin maybe
has been on a whole journey.
Speaker 3 (01:07):
She doesn't half cat now all the furry jokes guys
were true.
Speaker 2 (01:13):
Did you see that guy that There's some.
Speaker 4 (01:15):
Guy that actually got like a lot of surgery to
turn into a dog and he went for his first
walk out in the world as a dog.
Speaker 2 (01:23):
Oh my god, what.
Speaker 1 (01:25):
If he did his first walk and he was like,
I actually I don't think this was worth it. Actually
have a good time.
Speaker 2 (01:30):
Think sure?
Speaker 4 (01:30):
For me, there's like a picture of him like looking
at a real dog and the real dog is like,
what the actual fuck?
Speaker 3 (01:37):
Yeah, Like when I walk my cat Gigi, that's kind
of how they that's how the cats look at and
then that's how the dogs are with the.
Speaker 5 (01:43):
Cat like we're looking dog. It's like, yeah, well.
Speaker 1 (01:47):
Dogs are so racist, that's crazy. Okay.
Speaker 3 (01:50):
Anyway, lots has transpired, lots has changed, but we're all
still the hot group that everyone knows and love.
Speaker 1 (01:57):
You're still a hot power trio. Who this is the
first time we've hung out since No No.
Speaker 6 (02:03):
A couple of times.
Speaker 1 (02:05):
Yeah, the law is, yeah, we're still a power trio. Yes.
Speaker 6 (02:08):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (02:08):
I came into Gabby's new apartment and threw myself on
the couch immediately, and apparently this is the couch of
her dead grandma.
Speaker 1 (02:15):
Oh yeah, my grandma died. But I feel like, what
it's been like two a year and a half since
the end of Kids, and that's wild. There's probably a
lot of other people who died in the interim, so
they should be happy that we don't do the show anymore.
Speaker 4 (02:29):
Yeah, I mean, he'd be talking about you the Height
of Death whilst Cavergals was happening.
Speaker 1 (02:35):
I e.
Speaker 2 (02:35):
COVID yea, yeah, the peak of COVID.
Speaker 1 (02:37):
I mean, I know we did this kind of at
the the last episode, but again, I want to shout
out to everyone apologies that we made the show during COVID,
but you know, we had a contract and we had
to fulfill it, so but sorry.
Speaker 5 (02:48):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (02:49):
Yeah, I think they are happy just because we're not
bullying them anymore and making up facts about them, yis.
Speaker 4 (02:54):
But also for those that existed, thank you so that
we could have something to do.
Speaker 3 (02:58):
Yeah, thanks to the guy who got eaten by like
his own porno like when he they like seeped through
him and one of the.
Speaker 2 (03:05):
First ones that we recorded.
Speaker 5 (03:07):
It stuck with me for the rest of my life.
Speaker 4 (03:08):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (03:08):
Yeah, yeah, still rat stuff, rat torture.
Speaker 3 (03:11):
That's always gonna be part of us that if to
that one.
Speaker 4 (03:15):
Yeah, drowning and excrement, the horse fucking I think about
it all the time.
Speaker 2 (03:19):
Yeah, you really do.
Speaker 6 (03:20):
I bring it up like people it's like did you know?
Speaker 2 (03:23):
And they're like, okay, why are you telling me this?
Speaker 5 (03:26):
Why are you telling me this?
Speaker 3 (03:27):
Like you know this, Like I just came over for
some fun and now you're sitting down telling me about
this horrible horse fucking death.
Speaker 1 (03:33):
See that's the thing.
Speaker 3 (03:34):
Without the podcast, I'm just like talking about this on
dates and.
Speaker 6 (03:38):
It's not going I mean, actually it's going great. To
be honest, I think I could say anything. I don'
think I could say anything and no one would care.
Speaker 1 (03:44):
All right. Yeah. Well, also the one that I always
think about is the cow dogs are more likely to
eat you, and then cats will eat you after you die,
after we all die in our apartments alone.
Speaker 6 (03:55):
Yeah, well, to be fair, I have a house, so sorry.
Speaker 1 (03:57):
You brought out houses. My bad. When you guys die
in your house is alone?
Speaker 4 (04:02):
Real tweet dogs to eat me, so for one stay
he stays in that crate, so he might unless he's
out and about when I die, which I guess is
very possible.
Speaker 2 (04:12):
He's a giant puppy.
Speaker 1 (04:13):
He is giant.
Speaker 2 (04:14):
I think it could be the one that murders me.
Speaker 5 (04:15):
I think he's a man instead of a dog suit
is what I think it is.
Speaker 1 (04:17):
Oh my god, is that the furry guy that we're
just talking about is your dog?
Speaker 2 (04:21):
Taylor is actually talking about the story.
Speaker 4 (04:25):
How traumatic would that be though, to like have acquired
a dog and not realizing that it was really a human.
Speaker 1 (04:32):
Yeah, I would say it's traumatic and then also very
there would be something wrong with you be like you
didn't notice.
Speaker 5 (04:41):
It would be like Lelo and Stitch, but like the
cursed version.
Speaker 4 (04:44):
I mean, I'd like to think that I'm smarter than that.
Speaker 1 (04:47):
Coming soon from Marvel Cursed Gabby.
Speaker 2 (04:53):
Yeah, okay podcast.
Speaker 1 (04:56):
Yeah, so I gathered us here today so that you
guys could sit in traffic mostly and just really bother you.
But anyway, we're hopping on the Cadaverous Feed for the
to the cadaver Pals. Tell you guys about a new
show that I'm doing. I'm trying to promote it, and
that is what I'm doing. I know, I'm being very self.
I'm trying to promote a new podcast because I do
there is somebody who like when we said, it's our
(05:16):
last episode. I remember someone like commented, which one of
you guys are like doing your own thing? Now, who's
going so sorry, it's me, You're the toxic one. Yes, yeah, oh,
thank you.
Speaker 4 (05:27):
We should have we should have done like a vote
or we should I guess we still can do a
vote on who they think is the most toxic of
the three of us on the social media.
Speaker 1 (05:36):
Yeah, we'll do one post and we will ask who's
the most toxic?
Speaker 5 (05:40):
Got me immediately, immediately, Thank you.
Speaker 1 (05:43):
I love to be remembered. But yeah, so I'm talking
to a podcast. It's called American Filth. Okay, all right,
I'm just like react to the title, and basically I
don't know what basically what it is. It's going to
be a weekly show and every day I tell a
story from American history that's filthy, a filthy story. And
the reason I did it is because remember the one
(06:03):
episode with Governor Morris, who is one of the founding
fathers who then yeah, he died by because he used
his wife's uh courset as a catheter and then he
got an infection in his wien.
Speaker 6 (06:14):
Are you and the wheel bones? Yeah?
Speaker 1 (06:17):
I remember, Gosh, Taylor she's so old that she has Alzheimer's.
Speaker 6 (06:22):
Let's joke about Alzheimer's.
Speaker 1 (06:24):
We got to give the people what they want. But anyway,
so I'm doing so because of that. I really did
some more research about him, and I really I thought
his life was pretty interesting. So I want to do
a show just about him. But then they're like, actually, instead,
could you just do a show every week about different people?
And I was like, fine, so fine, I.
Speaker 6 (06:42):
Will do my own every week for me.
Speaker 1 (06:46):
Yeah, yeah, it was. They literally threatened me. It was
so thanks, iHeart. Look what I'm doing now? God, So
now I'm doing this show and so there's gonna be
episodes every week and it's just basically me narrating a story.
It's kind of like a stupid Wikipedia page, but with
really stupid sound design as well, and so that's what
the show is. Yeah, it's gonna be everything. I hate it.
(07:08):
I'm trying to promote the podcast. I can't have you
being like, no, don't listen to it. That's not how
promotion works.
Speaker 5 (07:13):
I just know that you understand the F A R
T jokes.
Speaker 1 (07:19):
Yep, there probably is, but it is every time we
say something about a Wiener, I just put a boying sound.
Speaker 5 (07:26):
Okay, I find that's good.
Speaker 2 (07:27):
That's good morning talk show.
Speaker 1 (07:31):
Yeah, it's just me being like, okay, guys today we're
talking about what. Yeah, it's me alone, how I always
wanted to be, uh.
Speaker 6 (07:39):
Okay, going on a walk.
Speaker 3 (07:43):
It'll be Monday morning and then I'll be like, time
to listen to my filthy story. And Gabby's sonorous voice
will appear.
Speaker 1 (07:50):
Should we read the reviews, My boring voice will be, yeah,
hear the reviews?
Speaker 3 (07:55):
No you have.
Speaker 4 (07:56):
You will have to throw some things in there, for
for the cadaver owls.
Speaker 1 (08:00):
Throw some.
Speaker 4 (08:02):
Stories.
Speaker 1 (08:03):
Yeah, yeah, we got death stories like actually, I'm hijacking
a lot of the cadaver galas content.
Speaker 3 (08:08):
Sorry, oh goody our.
Speaker 4 (08:12):
Year and a half, two years of work.
Speaker 1 (08:15):
Yeah, I'm just stealing to this. For example, I'm stealing
the doctor doctor Willard Bliss story. This one that's a
good one. So I'm doing more about that one. And
then also there was the one that I did that
was about like in where they thought people were vampires
and they would dig them up. And then like I
was literally going to bring up vampires. Do more about vampires,
and we love vampires, we do.
Speaker 5 (08:35):
We really do.
Speaker 3 (08:35):
And apparently aliens are real now, so you're gonna have
a lot to go off of. Yeah, congratulations, Yeah, so
much to change, guys. Aliens exist, well.
Speaker 4 (08:43):
They have been existing, but weird. We just they just
decided to tell us, you know, they were like things
got a little too calm. Yeah, let's let's throw some aliens.
Speaker 5 (08:51):
The thing is, no one really gives a fuck.
Speaker 2 (08:53):
They really don't.
Speaker 1 (08:54):
Well, I mean, actually, I wanted to gather you guys
here today because I wanted to tell you a real secret,
which is I am a lizard person. God.
Speaker 3 (09:04):
You know, I always knew there was something that attracted
me about Gabby.
Speaker 5 (09:06):
That's what.
Speaker 1 (09:08):
Okay, you a furry or you a scaly? Like a like,
when are we doing?
Speaker 3 (09:12):
Fair?
Speaker 1 (09:13):
All right, guys, But so I just want to tell
you about the podcast and then the people could hear
our beautiful voices. And uh, I'm actually gonna attach at
the end of this an episode that you guys.
Speaker 2 (09:23):
Can just listen to tell me when it launches.
Speaker 1 (09:26):
So it's coming out September sixth nine six aka the
opposite of sixty nine.
Speaker 6 (09:31):
Okay, that is so so on purpose the lizard Brain.
Speaker 1 (09:33):
I'm telling you ten out of ten so it's coming out,
and by the time that this comes out, probably have
a few episodes out, and so they're gonna come out
every week on Wednesdays.
Speaker 5 (09:43):
How many do you have bank Wednesdays days?
Speaker 1 (09:46):
Exactly? How many do I have banked? Technically, I'll supposedly
I'll have ten by the time it comes out. Suppose
it's good?
Speaker 3 (09:55):
Yeah? Good.
Speaker 1 (09:55):
I feel like that's pretty good. We were always like,
we gotta make an episode.
Speaker 2 (10:00):
Yeah, it comes up tomorrow.
Speaker 4 (10:03):
And now our listeners understand and why it was the
way that it was.
Speaker 3 (10:07):
Okay, maybe could aver pals. I think you you know
what to do, right. We are what's the word forcing you?
Speaker 1 (10:17):
No?
Speaker 5 (10:18):
We are telling no, I want something forceful.
Speaker 6 (10:22):
I'm plaring no threatening, threatening.
Speaker 3 (10:26):
We are threatening you to listen to this podcast because
y'all are nasty.
Speaker 5 (10:31):
So I feel like you would love it.
Speaker 1 (10:32):
Thank you, Taylor. Now you do an endorsement of my
podcast you haven't heard.
Speaker 4 (10:36):
Oh my gosh. Look, anything that Gabby's gonna do is
gonna be absolutely amazing. She obviously was the best one
true besides me and Nika.
Speaker 1 (10:46):
That's actually a pretty good point.
Speaker 4 (10:49):
I'm kidding. I am so excited to listen to your
new podcast and listen to all of the filth everyone, all.
Speaker 2 (10:54):
Of you could have pals, all five of you. Yeah,
because here's that together.
Speaker 3 (10:58):
And there is nothing better than like being in an
adult dinner party and then just having a story where
people are like, where the fuck did.
Speaker 2 (11:06):
You hear that?
Speaker 3 (11:07):
You sound smart, you sound cool, and you sound a
little bit dirty, which is exactly how you attract an
ideal mate in this in this environment.
Speaker 1 (11:15):
Or Nika and her Freaky Mates that's actually new podcast
that's coming out and.
Speaker 2 (11:23):
Her Freaky Mates links not e Niqus.
Speaker 5 (11:26):
That was always the way.
Speaker 1 (11:27):
That was always the Taylor, what's your podcast? It's going
to come out one day?
Speaker 4 (11:32):
Oh my gosh, it's probably just like a podcast about
all of my traumas.
Speaker 1 (11:37):
Taylor's Carousel of Traumas, Taylor's Trauma Trauma Taylor, we do this.
Speaker 4 (11:42):
Thing at work where we talk about like somebody will
highlight what they have on their desk, and all of
they do is go show them how like all of
their fancy houses and where they live.
Speaker 5 (11:51):
Oh, you're you're talking active shit.
Speaker 4 (11:53):
You are doing okay, But no, this is actually funny
because Nica goes.
Speaker 6 (12:01):
Taylor would be like, do not add me into this,
it goes, Oh, Taylor, would just.
Speaker 4 (12:07):
Be I talk about I think about how I'm going
to quit my job every single day and then go
do something else.
Speaker 3 (12:15):
Yeah, yeah, literally, yeah, God bless.
Speaker 1 (12:19):
Sorry, I'm just thinking about what I'm editing out this conversation. Oh,
I guess Actually, lastly, we should, Taylor, have you seen
any good horses recently?
Speaker 4 (12:27):
Okay, No, I haven't because here's why. So y'all knew
about Maverick. Right, Maverick was in my life during Cadaver goals.
Speaker 1 (12:36):
Right, I don't remember Maverick.
Speaker 2 (12:39):
Maverick's my horse.
Speaker 4 (12:41):
I like, I have a horse buddy now, and his
name is Maverick. Anyway, I haven't seen him in a
while because I broke my foot and so I can't.
I can't ride until horses online.
Speaker 1 (12:53):
I mean, I'm just scrolling looking at horses.
Speaker 2 (12:55):
I do, though, she does the.
Speaker 4 (12:57):
Thing I do. Have you not seen how cute baby
horses are?
Speaker 1 (13:02):
So cy I have seen them before. They're pretty cute.
Speaker 4 (13:04):
They're so cute.
Speaker 1 (13:05):
So clumsy though, they're so clumsy, so cute, embarrassing. When
I was a baby, I just fell out and was
just this is what I looked.
Speaker 2 (13:15):
Like I'll start to walk.
Speaker 5 (13:17):
I was never a.
Speaker 2 (13:18):
Baby, you were like a giraffe.
Speaker 1 (13:20):
Yeah, I'm actually Benjamin Button.
Speaker 5 (13:24):
You've got the face for it.
Speaker 1 (13:26):
I'm getting so young. I'm so young, so fresh. Okay, anyway, guys,
listen to my new podcast. It's called American Filth, and
I'm going to drop the episode actually about Governor Morris
right after this, so please listen, like, subscribe, leave a
review that's bad, Why not leave good reviews? Leave good ones.
Speaker 4 (13:47):
So that Gabby can keep doing it and just be.
Speaker 2 (13:53):
So Gabby can just be do that for her job.
Speaker 4 (13:56):
American Filth will just be her job, just like I
wanted for Cadaver Girls.
Speaker 2 (14:00):
But alas for the last I have to actually do
work now.
Speaker 1 (14:03):
Yeah, it's terrible. Well, I have to do like two
other shows two unfortunately at the same time.
Speaker 4 (14:07):
If he becomes so, if everybody likes and says all
of the good things and gives you all good reviews,
then you'll be too busy on all of your tours
and everything to do other work.
Speaker 1 (14:17):
Yeah, so exactly, Well, do you have any ideas of like,
because I was thinking of telling people like filth heads
or something. I don't know.
Speaker 3 (14:24):
No, No, I've only recorded like six episodes where I
say that, but it's fine.
Speaker 1 (14:31):
No, no, it's bad.
Speaker 2 (14:32):
I mean it's not bad. I just I think we
can do better.
Speaker 1 (14:36):
Okay, Filters, I'm filters.
Speaker 2 (14:39):
Filthy.
Speaker 1 (14:40):
Filters organically come about with me talking to myself in
the studio, which is that closet right.
Speaker 2 (14:44):
There, Kappy, are you not going to miss us?
Speaker 1 (14:47):
I do miss you every day with every fiber of
my being. Okay, that's why I force you to drive
over here.
Speaker 3 (14:52):
Okay, everyone listened to American Filth, Get Filthy.
Speaker 1 (14:56):
Get Filthy, Get and here's the episode. Thank you, bye
bye bye. Okay, guy, this is American Filth. But we're
actually going to be starting not in America today. We're
going to go across the water over to another continent.
So we're going to Gay Perry, Paris, France. Let's go
(15:20):
over to the Louver. At the time, it's like seventeen ninety,
so it's not a museum but a palace. And in
that palace, in one of the wings, there's a young
woman playing the harpsichord. She's the niece of the man
who lives in these apartments where these apartments have been
bequeathed to him. Because he works for the king and
they are expecting company. Meanwhile, his wife is in the foyer,
(15:43):
you know, a great place to perhaps greet the guests
who are about to arrive. But instead of doing that,
she is actually having sex with a one legged American.
And he isn't just any one legged American. No, no, no, no,
he is a man who wrote this little thing that
you might know might recognize. It goes like this, we
(16:04):
the people at the United States, in order to form
a more perfect union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquility, provide
for the common defense, promote the general welfare, and secure
the blessing the liberty to ourselves in our posterity, do
ordain and establish this Constitution of the United States of America. Guests. Indeed,
this dude fucking in the foyer wrote the preamble to
(16:27):
the Constitution of the United States of America, Because really,
what is a more perfect union? What ensures more domestic
tranquility than public sex? The fouling fathers you know him, right,
Thomas Jefferson, George Washington, Alexander Hamilton, etc. But there is
(16:47):
one founding father in particular who a lot of people
don't know about. His name is a Governor Morris. It's
a French spelling. Some historians have said gouveneir gouveneur, But
I like Governor the best, and a lot of historians
have said this in a much more intelligent way. But
they have sugested of the reason that a lot of
us don't know about Governor Morris is because he had
(17:10):
a filthy personal life. Like I'm not saying he was
our sluttiest founding father, because a lot of them were.
I think he was just the founding father who was
most in love with the idea of being in love.
One of his I guess like affirmations that he lived
by was to enjoy is to obey, which is basically
(17:33):
the Yolo of the late eighteenth century. He was a
public servant to America, but he was also there for
a good time. He lived by his wiener, and actually
he died by it too. This is the story of
Governor Morris. Here on American Filth. Here's the theme song.
(17:56):
This is American Filth, and I'm your host, Gabby Watts.
Every week I bring you a different filthy story from
American history. Today's episode Living and Dying by the Wiener.
(18:26):
Oh why don't we just start at the beginning. Why not?
Governor was born in seventeen fifty two at a place
called morris Sania, his family's estate and New Amsterdam, which
would become New York City. But then, you know, he
was before it was the big Apple. At the time,
they called it the crab Apple. His dad was very rich,
a landowner and a judge, and the family itself it
(18:48):
was just big aristocratic vibes. His dad died when he
was young, but not before he told Governor and his
older half brothers that Governor was his favorite and smartest son.
Dad's always know the right thing to do, like pit
your children against each other. Governor's mom was a huge
not dissent. She and Governor would have plenty of differences
(19:08):
along the way. For example, during the War of Independence,
she was a loyalist. She actually let the British use
Morisania as a military base. But before all of that,
one unfortunate thing that happened to Governor when he was
a kid, just when he was fourteen, it was pretty
clear that he was a bit of a clumsy boy,
and he dropped a kettle of boiling water on his
(19:30):
right arm. Someone later described it that it looked like
all the flesh who had been taken off, But he
thrived in spite of his injury. He was mad educated
and before ye old Declaration of Independence Governor he was
working as a lawyer. He was elected to the New
York Provincial Congress in seventeen seventy five, starts advocating for
(19:53):
independence from Britain. When war breaks out, he gets involved.
He's appointed to the Continental Congress in seventeen seventy eight,
was in charge of military reforms, and he became the
youngest signer of the Articles of Confederation. And yeah, he
had a lot of opinions on various founding fathers. He's
(20:15):
a huge semp for George Washington. He loves George Washington.
He thinks James Madison is an idiot. And he becomes
pals with Alexander Hamilton. Actually, when Alexander Hamilton's on his deathbed,
Governor Morris is there too, not dead, but just there
to comfort his friend who's dying. But already, as a
young man, Governor Morris is developing a bit of a
(20:37):
skanky reputation because he at the time he's strapping, he's charming,
he's witty, and most importantly, he's over six feet tall.
Oh yeah, and historians specifically note that Governor rarely paid
for sex. Oh no, he didn't need to. He could
just get it. As Governor wrote, I like only the
(21:01):
yielding kiss, and that from lips I love. And lucky
for him, he seemed to love a lot of different lips.
As his pal John Jay said about him, Governor is
daily employed in making oblations to Venus. And not only
was he making oblations to Venus, he was specifically making
(21:23):
some of these oblations with other people's wives. And this
gets him into trouble. So let's meet up with Governor
Morris in May seventeen eighty. He's moved to Philadelphia. That's
good for his business as a lawyer and as a merchant,
(21:45):
but it's also good for his personal life because Philadelphians
at the time had a pretty liberal view of sexuality.
In general, the Revolution period was pretty debauchrous. People were
drinking a shit ton, like five drinks a day on average.
There were lots of you know, body houses, whorehouses. People
were banging, and not just kids like for fun, men
(22:07):
and women in and out of marriage and sometimes in
someone else's marriage. So the governor's there in the middle
of all that, and he's about to lose a leg
because of it. The story goes like, this is a
nice ass day in May seventeen eighty. Governor is not
at work, He's not at home. No, he's at the
(22:29):
apartments of some other dude banging that dude's wife. But
in the middle of their oblations to venus, the husband
comes home early and catches them in the act. What
the hell that's my wife, dude. Oh no. Fearing for
his life, his junk and just general bodily harm, Governor
(22:49):
gets the hell out of there, and he does it
the quickest way possible by jumping from the balcony. But
when he landed he probably heard a series of cracks
because with that jump he had just totally fucked up
his ankle. He gets rushed to the dock and the
doctor's like, dang, this is so bad. We're gonna have
to take off the entire bottom half of your leg.
(23:13):
That's obviously a very stressful situation, especially because at the
time a third of people who got amputations die. But
Governor was like, do what you gotta do, and he
got his legs sawed off Wow, isn't that a topsy
turvy story. Unfortunately, we do not know if it is
(23:36):
completely accurate. Yeah, he lost his leg, but was it
because he was fleeing from a jealous husband. Maybe not.
That was just a rumor, but it's a really good one,
so I wanted to say it. Other people say it
was a mere phaeton folly aka and a literative way
to say carriage accident. One of Governor's associates described the
(23:59):
accident like this, He was riding out in a phaeton
and the horses taking a fright, ran away in the street,
struck the carriage against a post, broke it all to pieces,
and in the shock, fractured mister Morris's ankle. Wow, much
less exciting. But Governor did lose a leg. And the
(24:19):
real doozy of the situation was that when the amputation happened,
Governor's regular doctor was out of town, and then when
his doctor was back in town, he was like, Hey,
actually that other doctor made a really bad call. You
probably didn't need to amputate your leg. Well, shit, I
hate when you lose your leg for no reason. But
(24:42):
Governor he took it like a champ. One of his
friends was trying to make him feel better about it,
and Governor was like, my good sir, you argue the
matter so handsomely and point out so clearly the advantages
of being without legs that I am almost tempted to
part with the other ha isn't he funny? Governor's other
(25:04):
friends also ragged on him about it. John Jay threw
some serious shade when he said that it might have
been better if Governor had lost something else. Oh. For
the rest of his life, Governor wore a simple wooden
leg made from oak with a wooden knob at the
end of it, another addition to his scarred arm from
(25:24):
his childhood injury. But again, it didn't really slow him down.
He still went out dancing, boding, running around the town,
and he even continued his pursuit of married women whoops,
and that started right after the amputation. His recovery process
was under the supervision of an extremely hot milf with
(25:46):
great taste in French fashion. Her name was Elizabeth Plater,
the wife of George Plater, who would be the governor
of Maryland. Governor was completely besotted by Elizabeth. He sweet
talked her and she was like, Okay, I see what
you're doing. I'll give you some attention whatever. After his recovery,
he wrote her a letter saying, the wish is in
(26:08):
your own power. But I will say no more on
the subject lest I should go too far as I
have once or twice done. Only be assured that nothing
would give me so much pleasure once or twice? Is
he flirting or is he referencing something else they did together? Hmm,
But every smart milf knows that there's a time to
(26:30):
stop fooling around with these foolish young men. So she
was like, hey, sorry, you need to move on. The
governor was quite sad about it, but blah blah, blah,
blah blah. You know, the revolution is still going on,
lots of people are dying. And then the British eventually
signed the peace Articles in November seventeen eighty two. Blah
(26:53):
blah Blahla la la. The Articles of Confederation aren't working,
blah blah blah blah. Delegates can be in Philadelphia and
May seventeen eighty seven or the Constitial Convention La la
la la la. Governor Morris was one of the delegates
from Pennsylvania, and he was ready to talk over the
course of the Convention. He spoke one hundred and seventy
three times, which was loads more than anyone else. And
(27:15):
Governor he had interesting beliefs, you know. He he was
very anti slavery, but he also thought that poor people
shouldn't vote. So I'm confusing. And then he drafted up
the Preamble to the Constitution and wrote those famous lines
we the people, and well, that's all, well and good.
Let's get back to the filth because Governor's life starts
(27:37):
getting a little bit filthier. Well, juice heer once he
goes to Gabe Harry. Governor Morris moved to France in
(27:58):
seventeen eighty nine, originally as a businessman, and then he
eventually became the American Minister to France in seventeen So
while he's in France, it's in the throes of revolution
and its aftermath. But again, despite a revolution happening all
around him, Governor finds plenty of time for leisure. When
(28:23):
he arrived in France, he developed a terrific reputation with
the ladies. He was invited to their salons where women
would talk wittily about books and romance and go t
he and ha ha ha aren't we clever? One French
woman of the Salon culture said, his imagination inclines to pleasantry.
(28:43):
It is impossible not to be delighted. Another woman said,
Governor Morris kept us in continual smile, and let's just
say those were the only lips he kept smiling. When
he's in France, Governor keeps a vivid diary of everything
that's happening. And the diary is filled with his script
(29:05):
of the War of Revolution, of the politics, but is
also filled with innuendos about sex. Here are some of
the things he would call sex, the act, the operation, communicate,
the joy, the usual amusement, loves, disport, highmenial rights, joining
in fervent admiration to the Cyprian queen, celebrating. And one
(29:29):
thing I like about him is that he says mutual
pleasure and we embrace him mutual satisfaction, which, through great
historical analysis that I'm making right now, I'm pretty sure
that means that he would make the ladies come. What
a good sport. Oh yeah, And in France he not
only banged, but it also appears that he liked to
(29:50):
bang in public. Like one time he wrote, immediately I
take Madame on my lap and at the imminent risk
of discovery by two doors in one window, perform the act. Now.
Governor had many sex capades, more than we can know
because there aren't records about all of them, obviously, but
(30:13):
the ones he records in his diary, a lot of
them are with one special lady that he met in France.
Her name was Adelaide Filieu conteste Flaut. Most people just
called her Adele. She was a very chic lady, would
host trey sheikh salons. Governor and Adele met in seventeen
eighty nine. At the time, she was twenty eight and
he was thirty seven, and when they met, Morris wrote
(30:35):
about her that she was a most pleasing woman. Unfortunately
for him, she was married to the sixty three year
old keeper of the King's garden. But that dude wasn't
really an issue. The real issue was Adele's other lover,
the Bishop Chaoles Maris de Dadi conte Rigaux. Most peoples
(30:59):
called him tally Rand. Governor didn't like him. He said
he was sly, cool, cunning and ambitious. He was smart,
but he also gambled and was a little bit lazy,
and he also had a disability. He had a childhood
injury that had crumpled his right foot, so he had
to wear this round shoe with a middle rod up it.
And it was rumored that the bishop was actually the
(31:20):
father of Adele's son. And yeah, so governors really did
not like him, he wrote, I know not why conclusions
so disadvantageous to him are formed in my mind, but
so it is basically IDK, I don't like him, but
I don't but despite the bishop, despite the husband, Adele
(31:43):
and Governor banged for the first time on July twenty seventh,
seventeen eighty nine. And they banged everywhere. They banged an
Adele's former convent, in a carriage and her apartments while
her niece was reading in the window seat. She was
a lady. He was banging the foyer when all the
guests were about to arrive. And as their relationship developed,
it became clear that Governor was more into to Adele
(32:05):
then Adele was into him. She had told him that
she had stopped seeing the bishop, but Governor would still
try to play hard to get because, as he wrote,
anxiety may keep her passion alive. Playing some fuck boy
games right here. But you know. To be fair, Adele
might have just seen him as a security blanket. He
(32:26):
was a rich, powerful American and unstable France, and if
she needed to flee at some point, he probably could
help pay her way out of France to safety. So yeah,
his relationship it's a little toxic. But he also had
plenty of ways to distract himself with his business affairs
and with the politics of France at the time. And
(32:50):
even though Governor was a founding father of America the
Land of Independence, he was a big old scent for
the French nobility. He thought that the masses wouldn't know
how to govern France. He thought that the French were
very disorderly and said it would be impossible for such
a mob to govern the country. And he thought that
the French intellectuals were out of touch with reality and
(33:11):
called the people supremely depraved and devilish and wicked. You know,
unlike the Americans drinking five shots a day and going
to the brothels, those American degenerates were different. In seventeen ninety,
Governor had to go on a trip to London. At
first he postponed it because he thought Adele might be
(33:33):
pregnant and he was like, wahaha, that means she might
like me more. But alas that was not the case.
She was not pregnant. So away he went to do
his business, to do his political affairs, la ba la la.
And when he got back eight months later to France,
he went to Adele's departments and there he found yet
another man, a dude named Lord Henry Wycombe, who was
(33:57):
also very rich, and Adele was like, Governor, I think
I just want to be friends, and Governor was devastated.
He was like, my is torn with anxiety, and I
find in my left arm as well as in my
left breast a physical sense of grief. He also assumed
at that point that she was also still seeing the
nasty bishop, but you know, a lover's heart is fickle.
(34:25):
And when Governor was in France, he discovered that one
of his associates in London had stolen fifteen thousand pounds
from him, and he had to return to London to
sort it out, and Adele felt so bad for him.
She was like, I'll give you all my money. I'm
so sorry this happened to you. And then when he
got back from London again, they banged, even though they
got interrupted by someone who came in quote so abruptly
(34:46):
as to derange our closing moment talk about edging. But
after that point Governor decided to be more emotionally distant
with her and decided to see some other people to
assuage his pain. In the words of Scizza, I fuck
him because I miss you. Governor became the American Minister
(35:07):
to France in seventeen ninety two, which you know, a
lot of Americans opposed because he was a nobility simp.
Thomas Jefferson called him a high flying monarchy man. Which
it is true that Governor spent the first few months
of his position trying to get Louis sixteen out of France.
And you know, Governor's opinions of the masses really didn't
get any better during the Reign of Terror, which you
(35:28):
know basically started in seventeen ninety three. But there was
already fuck shit happening. In his perspective, the French masses
were going a little crazy. They were digging up the
bodies of old monarchs, executing rich people, marching around Perry
with heads on spikes. Governor was even asked by a
French quarry owner one time to see if the French
(35:49):
legislator could get him some money because his quarry had
become too filled with people's heads. At this point where
Governor's slutty life kind of takes a turn and instead
turns to great heartache, he was probably feeling pretty low,
not only with a terror, but because Adele had been
(36:11):
able to obtain a passport for her and her son
to flee France to London. The bishop was also able
to flee, but her husband, well, he was one of
the many people to get executed, and you know, once
the terror was raging, you know, Louis sixteen, he was
executed at January seventeen ninety three. Governor was having a
harder and hard time getting Americans and other friends out
(36:33):
of France. Also, the Americans back home, they started seeing
him as a failure because he was not able to
rescue Lafayette, who had been exiled from France and wasn't
in Austrian prison because oh yeah, France is also at
war with Austria at this point, Like truly, the French
Revolution a clusterfuck, just do one thing at once. Also,
(36:54):
Thomas Paine was in prison and Governor couldn't get him
out either, So in August seventeen ninety four, a new
minister to France is appointed and Governor skid daddles out
of there, but not before taking some of the king's
furniture with him. In particular, he took this one chair
that Louis sixteen would set him whenever he would visit
(37:15):
Marie Antoinette in her apartments. And then he also took
several bottles of Marie Antoinette's wine. So, yeah, Governor's getting
out of France. He's not feeling too good. He's seen
a lot of heads on spikes. That's got to make
you feel pretty bad. But before going home, he travels
(37:36):
around Europe for a couple more years for his business affairs,
and one time, when he's in Germany, he wrote another
year is added to the mini which have been lost
in the Abyss of Eternal duration Emma as Hell. He
saw a Dell again in seventeen ninety five, after two
and a half years of not seeing her. Dell had
(37:57):
been girl bossing as a romance novelist in London, but
it's likely that Governor had also been her sugar daddy
during this time. Anyway, she moved to Hamburg, where Governor was,
and lived in a house that he leased for her,
and then he had to go back to London for
some business stuff, and while he was there, he heard
that she had become engaged to a Portuguese ambassador and
(38:20):
was like the fuck. So he went back to Hamburg
and it was like, what the hell are you doing?
I pay for your whole lifestyle. Well, we actually have
no idea what they talked about, but I'd be a
little pissed. Then at that point, she didn't actually marry
a Portuguese ambassador, but also she and Governor were really together,
and she didn't really seem to want to be with him.
(38:42):
What she really wanted was she wanted to move back
to France. So a couple years later, in seventeen ninety seven,
she moved back and Governor never saw her again. So, yeah, Governor,
it's getting kind of sad for him. He's feeling a
little burnt down. I imagine. In seventeen ninety eight, he
(39:05):
comes back to the United States and he remains a
bachelor for ten more years. He spent some time rebuilding
his house Morrisania. He becomes a senator, but then he
didn't get re elected, but you know, he still hadn't
lost his charm. He had some other affairs, one with
a poet who was classic married to another man. But
(39:26):
something else was getting him down too. And I don't
mean emotionally, I mean penaisley. Since seventeen ninety four, he
had been experiencing a weird pain in his wiener own
Like basically what was happening. His wiener just had a
disposition to get clogged, like his urethra would get blocked
(39:46):
and he couldn't urinate, maybe just like a major uti
or basically what i'll call clogged wiener syndrome. And back
in his day, like they did have catheters. Benjamin Franklin
had even innovated a new type of catheter for his brother.
But Governor Morris developed his own methods for unclogging his pain,
(40:08):
and I wouldn't say they were great.
Speaker 4 (40:10):
Uh.
Speaker 1 (40:10):
For example, one of Governor's friends wrote that one time
Governor's wiener had unclogged and that he had used a
flexible piece of hickory to unclog it. And the thing
is this DIY approached healthcare, it would lead to his demise.
So let's pass forward back to eighteen oh nine. He's
(40:30):
fifty seven, and on Christmas Day, much to the surprise
of his family, he marries his thirty four year old housekeeper, Nancy,
just right there at Christmas Supper. The thing about Nancy
is she was actually a gentle lady from the Virginia aristocracy,
(40:51):
came from a wealthy family called the Randolphs. But this
surprise wedding is pretty spicy. And it's also spicy because
before Nancy had married Governor, she was accused of having
a baby with another man who happened to be her
sister's husban. And then the baby mysteriously died, and then
the sister's husband mysteriously died. No, but Nancy Governer, they
(41:15):
seem to have a good life together. They have a
child named Governor Junior. You know, he's helping build plans
for New York City, the building of the Erie Canal,
And then, confusingly, during the War of eighteen twelve, Governor
is like, I think the Constitution is garbage. We should
tear it up and break up the nation. But this
(41:38):
whole time, Governor's wiener is giving him lots of pain,
and he's also inherited some zesty gout. It's eighteen sixteen,
he's sixty four, and one fatal day, he gets another blockage,
and he decided to yet again unclog his wiener DIY style. Granted,
he had tried a variety of homeopathic methods to get
(41:58):
his wi wi unlocked, none of which had helped him.
So this time, instead of hickory, he decides to he
was a piece of whalebone, and some people think he
got the whalebone from his wife, Nancy's corset. And again
he took his DIY catheter like he had done before,
to unclog his pen but unfortunately, this time it appears
(42:18):
to have only made the problem worse and gave him
an infection. And governknew this wasn't good. In hissiary, he
wrote he was descending with hottering steps to the bottom
of life's hill, and indeed he died on November sixth,
eighteen sixteen, at the age of sixty four from the infection.
(42:45):
Some people think that his blockages could have come from
the fact that he might have had prostate cancer, but
we'll never know for sure. But I like to think
the Governor had banged so much in his life that
his penis just gave out. So to all the slutty
fellows out there, just watch out. Learn a lesson from Governor. Also,
if you want to get with women, maybe lose a leg.
(43:07):
This is American Filth. American Filth is a production of
School of Humans and iHeart Podcasts. It's hosted by me,
Gabby Watts. I wrote this episode. I sound designed it.
That's why it sounds so amazing. Thank you so much.
The theme song was by me and Jesse Niswanger. The
executive producers are Virginia Prescott, Elsie Crowley, and Brandon Barr.
(43:29):
You can follow along with the show at American Filth
pod on Instagram. Please follow, like, subscribe, leave a review
about the pod. I would really appreciate it, even if
it's a terrible review. But if it's a terrible review,
just try and make it really funny. Okay, So guys,
Christian next time, Bang Young
School of humans we're recording. Isn't that crazy? It is crazy.
Speaker 2 (00:13):
It's been so long, It has.
Speaker 1 (00:15):
Been so long. Who the fuck are you guys? I
don't even know what I am.
Speaker 3 (00:20):
An ancient being because being ancient is not bad. Okay,
well apparently I'm an old lady now, all.
Speaker 1 (00:25):
Right, Nika is ancient. You're an old lady, and I'm
just so much has changed, Haggard, so much has changed.
But I guess we could remind people who we I'm Gabby.
Speaker 2 (00:35):
Yeah, I'm Nica.
Speaker 4 (00:36):
I'm Taylor, and.
Speaker 1 (00:38):
We also have two cats here. We got Jimmy and Patsy.
I have a new cat, which that's a crazy thing.
Speaker 2 (00:43):
Welcome, Katty has a new cat. I have a new dog.
Nica fostered cats, I did.
Speaker 3 (00:48):
I fostered four kittens, which, my god, never becoming a mother.
I'm literally getting my tubestied very soon. Anyway, Do you
think you'd have kittens?
Speaker 1 (00:57):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (00:57):
If I were to get pregnant right now by a human,
I would birth kittens because that's just.
Speaker 5 (01:01):
Who I am as a person.
Speaker 1 (01:02):
Yeah that makes sense. Yeah, so freaky. It's sin maybe
has been on a whole journey.
Speaker 3 (01:07):
She doesn't half cat now all the furry jokes guys
were true.
Speaker 2 (01:13):
Did you see that guy that There's some.
Speaker 4 (01:15):
Guy that actually got like a lot of surgery to
turn into a dog and he went for his first
walk out in the world as a dog.
Speaker 2 (01:23):
Oh my god, what.
Speaker 1 (01:25):
If he did his first walk and he was like,
I actually I don't think this was worth it. Actually
have a good time.
Speaker 2 (01:30):
Think sure?
Speaker 4 (01:30):
For me, there's like a picture of him like looking
at a real dog and the real dog is like,
what the actual fuck?
Speaker 3 (01:37):
Yeah, Like when I walk my cat Gigi, that's kind
of how they that's how the cats look at and
then that's how the dogs are with the.
Speaker 5 (01:43):
Cat like we're looking dog. It's like, yeah, well.
Speaker 1 (01:47):
Dogs are so racist, that's crazy. Okay.
Speaker 3 (01:50):
Anyway, lots has transpired, lots has changed, but we're all
still the hot group that everyone knows and love.
Speaker 1 (01:57):
You're still a hot power trio. Who this is the
first time we've hung out since No No.
Speaker 6 (02:03):
A couple of times.
Speaker 1 (02:05):
Yeah, the law is, yeah, we're still a power trio. Yes.
Speaker 6 (02:08):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (02:08):
I came into Gabby's new apartment and threw myself on
the couch immediately, and apparently this is the couch of
her dead grandma.
Speaker 1 (02:15):
Oh yeah, my grandma died. But I feel like, what
it's been like two a year and a half since
the end of Kids, and that's wild. There's probably a
lot of other people who died in the interim, so
they should be happy that we don't do the show anymore.
Speaker 4 (02:29):
Yeah, I mean, he'd be talking about you the Height
of Death whilst Cavergals was happening.
Speaker 1 (02:35):
I e.
Speaker 2 (02:35):
COVID yea, yeah, the peak of COVID.
Speaker 1 (02:37):
I mean, I know we did this kind of at
the the last episode, but again, I want to shout
out to everyone apologies that we made the show during COVID,
but you know, we had a contract and we had
to fulfill it, so but sorry.
Speaker 5 (02:48):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (02:49):
Yeah, I think they are happy just because we're not
bullying them anymore and making up facts about them, yis.
Speaker 4 (02:54):
But also for those that existed, thank you so that
we could have something to do.
Speaker 3 (02:58):
Yeah, thanks to the guy who got eaten by like
his own porno like when he they like seeped through
him and one of the.
Speaker 2 (03:05):
First ones that we recorded.
Speaker 5 (03:07):
It stuck with me for the rest of my life.
Speaker 4 (03:08):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (03:08):
Yeah, yeah, still rat stuff, rat torture.
Speaker 3 (03:11):
That's always gonna be part of us that if to
that one.
Speaker 4 (03:15):
Yeah, drowning and excrement, the horse fucking I think about
it all the time.
Speaker 2 (03:19):
Yeah, you really do.
Speaker 6 (03:20):
I bring it up like people it's like did you know?
Speaker 2 (03:23):
And they're like, okay, why are you telling me this?
Speaker 5 (03:26):
Why are you telling me this?
Speaker 3 (03:27):
Like you know this, Like I just came over for
some fun and now you're sitting down telling me about
this horrible horse fucking death.
Speaker 1 (03:33):
See that's the thing.
Speaker 3 (03:34):
Without the podcast, I'm just like talking about this on
dates and.
Speaker 6 (03:38):
It's not going I mean, actually it's going great. To
be honest, I think I could say anything. I don'
think I could say anything and no one would care.
Speaker 1 (03:44):
All right. Yeah. Well, also the one that I always
think about is the cow dogs are more likely to
eat you, and then cats will eat you after you die,
after we all die in our apartments alone.
Speaker 6 (03:55):
Yeah, well, to be fair, I have a house, so sorry.
Speaker 1 (03:57):
You brought out houses. My bad. When you guys die
in your house is alone?
Speaker 4 (04:02):
Real tweet dogs to eat me, so for one stay
he stays in that crate, so he might unless he's
out and about when I die, which I guess is
very possible.
Speaker 2 (04:12):
He's a giant puppy.
Speaker 1 (04:13):
He is giant.
Speaker 2 (04:14):
I think it could be the one that murders me.
Speaker 5 (04:15):
I think he's a man instead of a dog suit
is what I think it is.
Speaker 1 (04:17):
Oh my god, is that the furry guy that we're
just talking about is your dog?
Speaker 2 (04:21):
Taylor is actually talking about the story.
Speaker 4 (04:25):
How traumatic would that be though, to like have acquired
a dog and not realizing that it was really a human.
Speaker 1 (04:32):
Yeah, I would say it's traumatic and then also very
there would be something wrong with you be like you
didn't notice.
Speaker 5 (04:41):
It would be like Lelo and Stitch, but like the
cursed version.
Speaker 4 (04:44):
I mean, I'd like to think that I'm smarter than that.
Speaker 1 (04:47):
Coming soon from Marvel Cursed Gabby.
Speaker 2 (04:53):
Yeah, okay podcast.
Speaker 1 (04:56):
Yeah, so I gathered us here today so that you
guys could sit in traffic mostly and just really bother you.
But anyway, we're hopping on the Cadaverous Feed for the
to the cadaver Pals. Tell you guys about a new
show that I'm doing. I'm trying to promote it, and
that is what I'm doing. I know, I'm being very self.
I'm trying to promote a new podcast because I do
there is somebody who like when we said, it's our
(05:16):
last episode. I remember someone like commented, which one of
you guys are like doing your own thing? Now, who's
going so sorry, it's me, You're the toxic one. Yes, yeah, oh,
thank you.
Speaker 4 (05:27):
We should have we should have done like a vote
or we should I guess we still can do a
vote on who they think is the most toxic of
the three of us on the social media.
Speaker 1 (05:36):
Yeah, we'll do one post and we will ask who's
the most toxic?
Speaker 5 (05:40):
Got me immediately, immediately, Thank you.
Speaker 1 (05:43):
I love to be remembered. But yeah, so I'm talking
to a podcast. It's called American Filth. Okay, all right,
I'm just like react to the title, and basically I
don't know what basically what it is. It's going to
be a weekly show and every day I tell a
story from American history that's filthy, a filthy story. And
the reason I did it is because remember the one
(06:03):
episode with Governor Morris, who is one of the founding
fathers who then yeah, he died by because he used
his wife's uh courset as a catheter and then he
got an infection in his wien.
Speaker 6 (06:14):
Are you and the wheel bones? Yeah?
Speaker 1 (06:17):
I remember, Gosh, Taylor she's so old that she has Alzheimer's.
Speaker 6 (06:22):
Let's joke about Alzheimer's.
Speaker 1 (06:24):
We got to give the people what they want. But anyway,
so I'm doing so because of that. I really did
some more research about him, and I really I thought
his life was pretty interesting. So I want to do
a show just about him. But then they're like, actually, instead,
could you just do a show every week about different people?
And I was like, fine, so fine, I.
Speaker 6 (06:42):
Will do my own every week for me.
Speaker 1 (06:46):
Yeah, yeah, it was. They literally threatened me. It was
so thanks, iHeart. Look what I'm doing now? God, So
now I'm doing this show and so there's gonna be
episodes every week and it's just basically me narrating a story.
It's kind of like a stupid Wikipedia page, but with
really stupid sound design as well, and so that's what
the show is. Yeah, it's gonna be everything. I hate it.
(07:08):
I'm trying to promote the podcast. I can't have you
being like, no, don't listen to it. That's not how
promotion works.
Speaker 5 (07:13):
I just know that you understand the F A R
T jokes.
Speaker 1 (07:19):
Yep, there probably is, but it is every time we
say something about a Wiener, I just put a boying sound.
Speaker 5 (07:26):
Okay, I find that's good.
Speaker 2 (07:27):
That's good morning talk show.
Speaker 1 (07:31):
Yeah, it's just me being like, okay, guys today we're
talking about what. Yeah, it's me alone, how I always
wanted to be, uh.
Speaker 6 (07:39):
Okay, going on a walk.
Speaker 3 (07:43):
It'll be Monday morning and then I'll be like, time
to listen to my filthy story. And Gabby's sonorous voice
will appear.
Speaker 1 (07:50):
Should we read the reviews, My boring voice will be, yeah,
hear the reviews?
Speaker 3 (07:55):
No you have.
Speaker 4 (07:56):
You will have to throw some things in there, for
for the cadaver owls.
Speaker 1 (08:00):
Throw some.
Speaker 4 (08:02):
Stories.
Speaker 1 (08:03):
Yeah, yeah, we got death stories like actually, I'm hijacking
a lot of the cadaver galas content.
Speaker 3 (08:08):
Sorry, oh goody our.
Speaker 4 (08:12):
Year and a half, two years of work.
Speaker 1 (08:15):
Yeah, I'm just stealing to this. For example, I'm stealing
the doctor doctor Willard Bliss story. This one that's a
good one. So I'm doing more about that one. And
then also there was the one that I did that
was about like in where they thought people were vampires
and they would dig them up. And then like I
was literally going to bring up vampires. Do more about vampires,
and we love vampires, we do.
Speaker 5 (08:35):
We really do.
Speaker 3 (08:35):
And apparently aliens are real now, so you're gonna have
a lot to go off of. Yeah, congratulations, Yeah, so
much to change, guys. Aliens exist, well.
Speaker 4 (08:43):
They have been existing, but weird. We just they just
decided to tell us, you know, they were like things
got a little too calm. Yeah, let's let's throw some aliens.
Speaker 5 (08:51):
The thing is, no one really gives a fuck.
Speaker 2 (08:53):
They really don't.
Speaker 1 (08:54):
Well, I mean, actually, I wanted to gather you guys
here today because I wanted to tell you a real secret,
which is I am a lizard person. God.
Speaker 3 (09:04):
You know, I always knew there was something that attracted
me about Gabby.
Speaker 5 (09:06):
That's what.
Speaker 1 (09:08):
Okay, you a furry or you a scaly? Like a like,
when are we doing?
Speaker 3 (09:12):
Fair?
Speaker 1 (09:13):
All right, guys, But so I just want to tell
you about the podcast and then the people could hear
our beautiful voices. And uh, I'm actually gonna attach at
the end of this an episode that you guys.
Speaker 2 (09:23):
Can just listen to tell me when it launches.
Speaker 1 (09:26):
So it's coming out September sixth nine six aka the
opposite of sixty nine.
Speaker 6 (09:31):
Okay, that is so so on purpose the lizard Brain.
Speaker 1 (09:33):
I'm telling you ten out of ten so it's coming out,
and by the time that this comes out, probably have
a few episodes out, and so they're gonna come out
every week on Wednesdays.
Speaker 5 (09:43):
How many do you have bank Wednesdays days?
Speaker 1 (09:46):
Exactly? How many do I have banked? Technically, I'll supposedly
I'll have ten by the time it comes out. Suppose
it's good?
Speaker 3 (09:55):
Yeah? Good.
Speaker 1 (09:55):
I feel like that's pretty good. We were always like,
we gotta make an episode.
Speaker 2 (10:00):
Yeah, it comes up tomorrow.
Speaker 4 (10:03):
And now our listeners understand and why it was the
way that it was.
Speaker 3 (10:07):
Okay, maybe could aver pals. I think you you know
what to do, right. We are what's the word forcing you?
Speaker 1 (10:17):
No?
Speaker 5 (10:18):
We are telling no, I want something forceful.
Speaker 6 (10:22):
I'm plaring no threatening, threatening.
Speaker 3 (10:26):
We are threatening you to listen to this podcast because
y'all are nasty.
Speaker 5 (10:31):
So I feel like you would love it.
Speaker 1 (10:32):
Thank you, Taylor. Now you do an endorsement of my
podcast you haven't heard.
Speaker 4 (10:36):
Oh my gosh. Look, anything that Gabby's gonna do is
gonna be absolutely amazing. She obviously was the best one
true besides me and Nika.
Speaker 1 (10:46):
That's actually a pretty good point.
Speaker 4 (10:49):
I'm kidding. I am so excited to listen to your
new podcast and listen to all of the filth everyone, all.
Speaker 2 (10:54):
Of you could have pals, all five of you. Yeah,
because here's that together.
Speaker 3 (10:58):
And there is nothing better than like being in an
adult dinner party and then just having a story where
people are like, where the fuck did.
Speaker 2 (11:06):
You hear that?
Speaker 3 (11:07):
You sound smart, you sound cool, and you sound a
little bit dirty, which is exactly how you attract an
ideal mate in this in this environment.
Speaker 1 (11:15):
Or Nika and her Freaky Mates that's actually new podcast
that's coming out and.
Speaker 2 (11:23):
Her Freaky Mates links not e Niqus.
Speaker 5 (11:26):
That was always the way.
Speaker 1 (11:27):
That was always the Taylor, what's your podcast? It's going
to come out one day?
Speaker 4 (11:32):
Oh my gosh, it's probably just like a podcast about
all of my traumas.
Speaker 1 (11:37):
Taylor's Carousel of Traumas, Taylor's Trauma Trauma Taylor, we do this.
Speaker 4 (11:42):
Thing at work where we talk about like somebody will
highlight what they have on their desk, and all of
they do is go show them how like all of
their fancy houses and where they live.
Speaker 5 (11:51):
Oh, you're you're talking active shit.
Speaker 4 (11:53):
You are doing okay, But no, this is actually funny
because Nica goes.
Speaker 6 (12:01):
Taylor would be like, do not add me into this,
it goes, Oh, Taylor, would just.
Speaker 4 (12:07):
Be I talk about I think about how I'm going
to quit my job every single day and then go
do something else.
Speaker 3 (12:15):
Yeah, yeah, literally, yeah, God bless.
Speaker 1 (12:19):
Sorry, I'm just thinking about what I'm editing out this conversation. Oh,
I guess Actually, lastly, we should, Taylor, have you seen
any good horses recently?
Speaker 4 (12:27):
Okay, No, I haven't because here's why. So y'all knew
about Maverick. Right, Maverick was in my life during Cadaver goals.
Speaker 1 (12:36):
Right, I don't remember Maverick.
Speaker 2 (12:39):
Maverick's my horse.
Speaker 4 (12:41):
I like, I have a horse buddy now, and his
name is Maverick. Anyway, I haven't seen him in a
while because I broke my foot and so I can't.
I can't ride until horses online.
Speaker 1 (12:53):
I mean, I'm just scrolling looking at horses.
Speaker 2 (12:55):
I do, though, she does the.
Speaker 4 (12:57):
Thing I do. Have you not seen how cute baby
horses are?
Speaker 1 (13:02):
So cy I have seen them before. They're pretty cute.
Speaker 4 (13:04):
They're so cute.
Speaker 1 (13:05):
So clumsy though, they're so clumsy, so cute, embarrassing. When
I was a baby, I just fell out and was
just this is what I looked.
Speaker 2 (13:15):
Like I'll start to walk.
Speaker 5 (13:17):
I was never a.
Speaker 2 (13:18):
Baby, you were like a giraffe.
Speaker 1 (13:20):
Yeah, I'm actually Benjamin Button.
Speaker 5 (13:24):
You've got the face for it.
Speaker 1 (13:26):
I'm getting so young. I'm so young, so fresh. Okay, anyway, guys,
listen to my new podcast. It's called American Filth, and
I'm going to drop the episode actually about Governor Morris
right after this, so please listen, like, subscribe, leave a
review that's bad, Why not leave good reviews? Leave good ones.
Speaker 4 (13:47):
So that Gabby can keep doing it and just be.
Speaker 2 (13:53):
So Gabby can just be do that for her job.
Speaker 4 (13:56):
American Filth will just be her job, just like I
wanted for Cadaver Girls.
Speaker 2 (14:00):
But alas for the last I have to actually do
work now.
Speaker 1 (14:03):
Yeah, it's terrible. Well, I have to do like two
other shows two unfortunately at the same time.
Speaker 4 (14:07):
If he becomes so, if everybody likes and says all
of the good things and gives you all good reviews,
then you'll be too busy on all of your tours
and everything to do other work.
Speaker 1 (14:17):
Yeah, so exactly, Well, do you have any ideas of like,
because I was thinking of telling people like filth heads
or something. I don't know.
Speaker 3 (14:24):
No, No, I've only recorded like six episodes where I
say that, but it's fine.
Speaker 1 (14:31):
No, no, it's bad.
Speaker 2 (14:32):
I mean it's not bad. I just I think we
can do better.
Speaker 1 (14:36):
Okay, Filters, I'm filters.
Speaker 2 (14:39):
Filthy.
Speaker 1 (14:40):
Filters organically come about with me talking to myself in
the studio, which is that closet right.
Speaker 2 (14:44):
There, Kappy, are you not going to miss us?
Speaker 1 (14:47):
I do miss you every day with every fiber of
my being. Okay, that's why I force you to drive
over here.
Speaker 3 (14:52):
Okay, everyone listened to American Filth, Get Filthy.
Speaker 1 (14:56):
Get Filthy, Get and here's the episode. Thank you, bye
bye bye. Okay, guy, this is American Filth. But we're
actually going to be starting not in America today. We're
going to go across the water over to another continent.
So we're going to Gay Perry, Paris, France. Let's go
(15:20):
over to the Louver. At the time, it's like seventeen ninety,
so it's not a museum but a palace. And in
that palace, in one of the wings, there's a young
woman playing the harpsichord. She's the niece of the man
who lives in these apartments where these apartments have been
bequeathed to him. Because he works for the king and
they are expecting company. Meanwhile, his wife is in the foyer,
(15:43):
you know, a great place to perhaps greet the guests
who are about to arrive. But instead of doing that,
she is actually having sex with a one legged American.
And he isn't just any one legged American. No, no, no, no,
he is a man who wrote this little thing that
you might know might recognize. It goes like this, we
(16:04):
the people at the United States, in order to form
a more perfect union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquility, provide
for the common defense, promote the general welfare, and secure
the blessing the liberty to ourselves in our posterity, do
ordain and establish this Constitution of the United States of America. Guests. Indeed,
this dude fucking in the foyer wrote the preamble to
(16:27):
the Constitution of the United States of America, Because really,
what is a more perfect union? What ensures more domestic
tranquility than public sex? The fouling fathers you know him, right,
Thomas Jefferson, George Washington, Alexander Hamilton, etc. But there is
(16:47):
one founding father in particular who a lot of people
don't know about. His name is a Governor Morris. It's
a French spelling. Some historians have said gouveneir gouveneur, But
I like Governor the best, and a lot of historians
have said this in a much more intelligent way. But
they have sugested of the reason that a lot of
us don't know about Governor Morris is because he had
(17:10):
a filthy personal life. Like I'm not saying he was
our sluttiest founding father, because a lot of them were.
I think he was just the founding father who was
most in love with the idea of being in love.
One of his I guess like affirmations that he lived
by was to enjoy is to obey, which is basically
(17:33):
the Yolo of the late eighteenth century. He was a
public servant to America, but he was also there for
a good time. He lived by his wiener, and actually
he died by it too. This is the story of
Governor Morris. Here on American Filth. Here's the theme song.
(17:56):
This is American Filth, and I'm your host, Gabby Watts.
Every week I bring you a different filthy story from
American history. Today's episode Living and Dying by the Wiener.
(18:26):
Oh why don't we just start at the beginning. Why not?
Governor was born in seventeen fifty two at a place
called morris Sania, his family's estate and New Amsterdam, which
would become New York City. But then, you know, he
was before it was the big Apple. At the time,
they called it the crab Apple. His dad was very rich,
a landowner and a judge, and the family itself it
(18:48):
was just big aristocratic vibes. His dad died when he
was young, but not before he told Governor and his
older half brothers that Governor was his favorite and smartest son.
Dad's always know the right thing to do, like pit
your children against each other. Governor's mom was a huge
not dissent. She and Governor would have plenty of differences
(19:08):
along the way. For example, during the War of Independence,
she was a loyalist. She actually let the British use
Morisania as a military base. But before all of that,
one unfortunate thing that happened to Governor when he was
a kid, just when he was fourteen, it was pretty
clear that he was a bit of a clumsy boy,
and he dropped a kettle of boiling water on his
(19:30):
right arm. Someone later described it that it looked like
all the flesh who had been taken off, But he
thrived in spite of his injury. He was mad educated
and before ye old Declaration of Independence Governor he was
working as a lawyer. He was elected to the New
York Provincial Congress in seventeen seventy five, starts advocating for
(19:53):
independence from Britain. When war breaks out, he gets involved.
He's appointed to the Continental Congress in seventeen seventy eight,
was in charge of military reforms, and he became the
youngest signer of the Articles of Confederation. And yeah, he
had a lot of opinions on various founding fathers. He's
(20:15):
a huge semp for George Washington. He loves George Washington.
He thinks James Madison is an idiot. And he becomes
pals with Alexander Hamilton. Actually, when Alexander Hamilton's on his deathbed,
Governor Morris is there too, not dead, but just there
to comfort his friend who's dying. But already, as a
young man, Governor Morris is developing a bit of a
(20:37):
skanky reputation because he at the time he's strapping, he's charming,
he's witty, and most importantly, he's over six feet tall.
Oh yeah, and historians specifically note that Governor rarely paid
for sex. Oh no, he didn't need to. He could
just get it. As Governor wrote, I like only the
(21:01):
yielding kiss, and that from lips I love. And lucky
for him, he seemed to love a lot of different lips.
As his pal John Jay said about him, Governor is
daily employed in making oblations to Venus. And not only
was he making oblations to Venus, he was specifically making
(21:23):
some of these oblations with other people's wives. And this
gets him into trouble. So let's meet up with Governor
Morris in May seventeen eighty. He's moved to Philadelphia. That's
good for his business as a lawyer and as a merchant,
(21:45):
but it's also good for his personal life because Philadelphians
at the time had a pretty liberal view of sexuality.
In general, the Revolution period was pretty debauchrous. People were
drinking a shit ton, like five drinks a day on average.
There were lots of you know, body houses, whorehouses. People
were banging, and not just kids like for fun, men
(22:07):
and women in and out of marriage and sometimes in
someone else's marriage. So the governor's there in the middle
of all that, and he's about to lose a leg
because of it. The story goes like, this is a
nice ass day in May seventeen eighty. Governor is not
at work, He's not at home. No, he's at the
(22:29):
apartments of some other dude banging that dude's wife. But
in the middle of their oblations to venus, the husband
comes home early and catches them in the act. What
the hell that's my wife, dude. Oh no. Fearing for
his life, his junk and just general bodily harm, Governor
(22:49):
gets the hell out of there, and he does it
the quickest way possible by jumping from the balcony. But
when he landed he probably heard a series of cracks
because with that jump he had just totally fucked up
his ankle. He gets rushed to the dock and the
doctor's like, dang, this is so bad. We're gonna have
to take off the entire bottom half of your leg.
(23:13):
That's obviously a very stressful situation, especially because at the
time a third of people who got amputations die. But
Governor was like, do what you gotta do, and he
got his legs sawed off Wow, isn't that a topsy
turvy story. Unfortunately, we do not know if it is
(23:36):
completely accurate. Yeah, he lost his leg, but was it
because he was fleeing from a jealous husband. Maybe not.
That was just a rumor, but it's a really good one,
so I wanted to say it. Other people say it
was a mere phaeton folly aka and a literative way
to say carriage accident. One of Governor's associates described the
(23:59):
accident like this, He was riding out in a phaeton
and the horses taking a fright, ran away in the street,
struck the carriage against a post, broke it all to pieces,
and in the shock, fractured mister Morris's ankle. Wow, much
less exciting. But Governor did lose a leg. And the
(24:19):
real doozy of the situation was that when the amputation happened,
Governor's regular doctor was out of town, and then when
his doctor was back in town, he was like, Hey,
actually that other doctor made a really bad call. You
probably didn't need to amputate your leg. Well, shit, I
hate when you lose your leg for no reason. But
(24:42):
Governor he took it like a champ. One of his
friends was trying to make him feel better about it,
and Governor was like, my good sir, you argue the
matter so handsomely and point out so clearly the advantages
of being without legs that I am almost tempted to
part with the other ha isn't he funny? Governor's other
(25:04):
friends also ragged on him about it. John Jay threw
some serious shade when he said that it might have
been better if Governor had lost something else. Oh. For
the rest of his life, Governor wore a simple wooden
leg made from oak with a wooden knob at the
end of it, another addition to his scarred arm from
(25:24):
his childhood injury. But again, it didn't really slow him down.
He still went out dancing, boding, running around the town,
and he even continued his pursuit of married women whoops,
and that started right after the amputation. His recovery process
was under the supervision of an extremely hot milf with
(25:46):
great taste in French fashion. Her name was Elizabeth Plater,
the wife of George Plater, who would be the governor
of Maryland. Governor was completely besotted by Elizabeth. He sweet
talked her and she was like, Okay, I see what
you're doing. I'll give you some attention whatever. After his recovery,
he wrote her a letter saying, the wish is in
(26:08):
your own power. But I will say no more on
the subject lest I should go too far as I
have once or twice done. Only be assured that nothing
would give me so much pleasure once or twice? Is
he flirting or is he referencing something else they did together? Hmm,
But every smart milf knows that there's a time to
(26:30):
stop fooling around with these foolish young men. So she
was like, hey, sorry, you need to move on. The
governor was quite sad about it, but blah blah, blah,
blah blah. You know, the revolution is still going on,
lots of people are dying. And then the British eventually
signed the peace Articles in November seventeen eighty two. Blah
(26:53):
blah Blahla la la. The Articles of Confederation aren't working,
blah blah blah blah. Delegates can be in Philadelphia and
May seventeen eighty seven or the Constitial Convention La la
la la la. Governor Morris was one of the delegates
from Pennsylvania, and he was ready to talk over the
course of the Convention. He spoke one hundred and seventy
three times, which was loads more than anyone else. And
(27:15):
Governor he had interesting beliefs, you know. He he was
very anti slavery, but he also thought that poor people
shouldn't vote. So I'm confusing. And then he drafted up
the Preamble to the Constitution and wrote those famous lines
we the people, and well, that's all, well and good.
Let's get back to the filth because Governor's life starts
(27:37):
getting a little bit filthier. Well, juice heer once he
goes to Gabe Harry. Governor Morris moved to France in
(27:58):
seventeen eighty nine, originally as a businessman, and then he
eventually became the American Minister to France in seventeen So
while he's in France, it's in the throes of revolution
and its aftermath. But again, despite a revolution happening all
around him, Governor finds plenty of time for leisure. When
(28:23):
he arrived in France, he developed a terrific reputation with
the ladies. He was invited to their salons where women
would talk wittily about books and romance and go t
he and ha ha ha aren't we clever? One French
woman of the Salon culture said, his imagination inclines to pleasantry.
(28:43):
It is impossible not to be delighted. Another woman said,
Governor Morris kept us in continual smile, and let's just
say those were the only lips he kept smiling. When
he's in France, Governor keeps a vivid diary of everything
that's happening. And the diary is filled with his script
(29:05):
of the War of Revolution, of the politics, but is
also filled with innuendos about sex. Here are some of
the things he would call sex, the act, the operation, communicate,
the joy, the usual amusement, loves, disport, highmenial rights, joining
in fervent admiration to the Cyprian queen, celebrating. And one
(29:29):
thing I like about him is that he says mutual
pleasure and we embrace him mutual satisfaction, which, through great
historical analysis that I'm making right now, I'm pretty sure
that means that he would make the ladies come. What
a good sport. Oh yeah, And in France he not
only banged, but it also appears that he liked to
(29:50):
bang in public. Like one time he wrote, immediately I
take Madame on my lap and at the imminent risk
of discovery by two doors in one window, perform the act. Now.
Governor had many sex capades, more than we can know
because there aren't records about all of them, obviously, but
(30:13):
the ones he records in his diary, a lot of
them are with one special lady that he met in France.
Her name was Adelaide Filieu conteste Flaut. Most people just
called her Adele. She was a very chic lady, would
host trey sheikh salons. Governor and Adele met in seventeen
eighty nine. At the time, she was twenty eight and
he was thirty seven, and when they met, Morris wrote
(30:35):
about her that she was a most pleasing woman. Unfortunately
for him, she was married to the sixty three year
old keeper of the King's garden. But that dude wasn't
really an issue. The real issue was Adele's other lover,
the Bishop Chaoles Maris de Dadi conte Rigaux. Most peoples
(30:59):
called him tally Rand. Governor didn't like him. He said
he was sly, cool, cunning and ambitious. He was smart,
but he also gambled and was a little bit lazy,
and he also had a disability. He had a childhood
injury that had crumpled his right foot, so he had
to wear this round shoe with a middle rod up it.
And it was rumored that the bishop was actually the
(31:20):
father of Adele's son. And yeah, so governors really did
not like him, he wrote, I know not why conclusions
so disadvantageous to him are formed in my mind, but
so it is basically IDK, I don't like him, but
I don't but despite the bishop, despite the husband, Adele
(31:43):
and Governor banged for the first time on July twenty seventh,
seventeen eighty nine. And they banged everywhere. They banged an
Adele's former convent, in a carriage and her apartments while
her niece was reading in the window seat. She was
a lady. He was banging the foyer when all the
guests were about to arrive. And as their relationship developed,
it became clear that Governor was more into to Adele
(32:05):
then Adele was into him. She had told him that
she had stopped seeing the bishop, but Governor would still
try to play hard to get because, as he wrote,
anxiety may keep her passion alive. Playing some fuck boy
games right here. But you know. To be fair, Adele
might have just seen him as a security blanket. He
(32:26):
was a rich, powerful American and unstable France, and if
she needed to flee at some point, he probably could
help pay her way out of France to safety. So yeah,
his relationship it's a little toxic. But he also had
plenty of ways to distract himself with his business affairs
and with the politics of France at the time. And
(32:50):
even though Governor was a founding father of America the
Land of Independence, he was a big old scent for
the French nobility. He thought that the masses wouldn't know
how to govern France. He thought that the French were
very disorderly and said it would be impossible for such
a mob to govern the country. And he thought that
the French intellectuals were out of touch with reality and
(33:11):
called the people supremely depraved and devilish and wicked. You know,
unlike the Americans drinking five shots a day and going
to the brothels, those American degenerates were different. In seventeen ninety,
Governor had to go on a trip to London. At
first he postponed it because he thought Adele might be
(33:33):
pregnant and he was like, wahaha, that means she might
like me more. But alas that was not the case.
She was not pregnant. So away he went to do
his business, to do his political affairs, la ba la la.
And when he got back eight months later to France,
he went to Adele's departments and there he found yet
another man, a dude named Lord Henry Wycombe, who was
(33:57):
also very rich, and Adele was like, Governor, I think
I just want to be friends, and Governor was devastated.
He was like, my is torn with anxiety, and I
find in my left arm as well as in my
left breast a physical sense of grief. He also assumed
at that point that she was also still seeing the
nasty bishop, but you know, a lover's heart is fickle.
(34:25):
And when Governor was in France, he discovered that one
of his associates in London had stolen fifteen thousand pounds
from him, and he had to return to London to
sort it out, and Adele felt so bad for him.
She was like, I'll give you all my money. I'm
so sorry this happened to you. And then when he
got back from London again, they banged, even though they
got interrupted by someone who came in quote so abruptly
(34:46):
as to derange our closing moment talk about edging. But
after that point Governor decided to be more emotionally distant
with her and decided to see some other people to
assuage his pain. In the words of Scizza, I fuck
him because I miss you. Governor became the American Minister
(35:07):
to France in seventeen ninety two, which you know, a
lot of Americans opposed because he was a nobility simp.
Thomas Jefferson called him a high flying monarchy man. Which
it is true that Governor spent the first few months
of his position trying to get Louis sixteen out of France.
And you know, Governor's opinions of the masses really didn't
get any better during the Reign of Terror, which you
(35:28):
know basically started in seventeen ninety three. But there was
already fuck shit happening. In his perspective, the French masses
were going a little crazy. They were digging up the
bodies of old monarchs, executing rich people, marching around Perry
with heads on spikes. Governor was even asked by a
French quarry owner one time to see if the French
(35:49):
legislator could get him some money because his quarry had
become too filled with people's heads. At this point where
Governor's slutty life kind of takes a turn and instead
turns to great heartache, he was probably feeling pretty low,
not only with a terror, but because Adele had been
(36:11):
able to obtain a passport for her and her son
to flee France to London. The bishop was also able
to flee, but her husband, well, he was one of
the many people to get executed, and you know, once
the terror was raging, you know, Louis sixteen, he was
executed at January seventeen ninety three. Governor was having a
harder and hard time getting Americans and other friends out
(36:33):
of France. Also, the Americans back home, they started seeing
him as a failure because he was not able to
rescue Lafayette, who had been exiled from France and wasn't
in Austrian prison because oh yeah, France is also at
war with Austria at this point, Like truly, the French
Revolution a clusterfuck, just do one thing at once. Also,
(36:54):
Thomas Paine was in prison and Governor couldn't get him
out either, So in August seventeen ninety four, a new
minister to France is appointed and Governor skid daddles out
of there, but not before taking some of the king's
furniture with him. In particular, he took this one chair
that Louis sixteen would set him whenever he would visit
(37:15):
Marie Antoinette in her apartments. And then he also took
several bottles of Marie Antoinette's wine. So, yeah, Governor's getting
out of France. He's not feeling too good. He's seen
a lot of heads on spikes. That's got to make
you feel pretty bad. But before going home, he travels
(37:36):
around Europe for a couple more years for his business affairs,
and one time, when he's in Germany, he wrote another
year is added to the mini which have been lost
in the Abyss of Eternal duration Emma as Hell. He
saw a Dell again in seventeen ninety five, after two
and a half years of not seeing her. Dell had
(37:57):
been girl bossing as a romance novelist in London, but
it's likely that Governor had also been her sugar daddy
during this time. Anyway, she moved to Hamburg, where Governor was,
and lived in a house that he leased for her,
and then he had to go back to London for
some business stuff, and while he was there, he heard
that she had become engaged to a Portuguese ambassador and
(38:20):
was like the fuck. So he went back to Hamburg
and it was like, what the hell are you doing?
I pay for your whole lifestyle. Well, we actually have
no idea what they talked about, but I'd be a
little pissed. Then at that point, she didn't actually marry
a Portuguese ambassador, but also she and Governor were really together,
and she didn't really seem to want to be with him.
(38:42):
What she really wanted was she wanted to move back
to France. So a couple years later, in seventeen ninety seven,
she moved back and Governor never saw her again. So, yeah, Governor,
it's getting kind of sad for him. He's feeling a
little burnt down. I imagine. In seventeen ninety eight, he
(39:05):
comes back to the United States and he remains a
bachelor for ten more years. He spent some time rebuilding
his house Morrisania. He becomes a senator, but then he
didn't get re elected, but you know, he still hadn't
lost his charm. He had some other affairs, one with
a poet who was classic married to another man. But
(39:26):
something else was getting him down too. And I don't
mean emotionally, I mean penaisley. Since seventeen ninety four, he
had been experiencing a weird pain in his wiener own
Like basically what was happening. His wiener just had a
disposition to get clogged, like his urethra would get blocked
(39:46):
and he couldn't urinate, maybe just like a major uti
or basically what i'll call clogged wiener syndrome. And back
in his day, like they did have catheters. Benjamin Franklin
had even innovated a new type of catheter for his brother.
But Governor Morris developed his own methods for unclogging his pain,
(40:08):
and I wouldn't say they were great.
Speaker 4 (40:10):
Uh.
Speaker 1 (40:10):
For example, one of Governor's friends wrote that one time
Governor's wiener had unclogged and that he had used a
flexible piece of hickory to unclog it. And the thing
is this DIY approached healthcare, it would lead to his demise.
So let's pass forward back to eighteen oh nine. He's
(40:30):
fifty seven, and on Christmas Day, much to the surprise
of his family, he marries his thirty four year old housekeeper, Nancy,
just right there at Christmas Supper. The thing about Nancy
is she was actually a gentle lady from the Virginia aristocracy,
(40:51):
came from a wealthy family called the Randolphs. But this
surprise wedding is pretty spicy. And it's also spicy because
before Nancy had married Governor, she was accused of having
a baby with another man who happened to be her
sister's husban. And then the baby mysteriously died, and then
the sister's husband mysteriously died. No, but Nancy Governer, they
(41:15):
seem to have a good life together. They have a
child named Governor Junior. You know, he's helping build plans
for New York City, the building of the Erie Canal,
And then, confusingly, during the War of eighteen twelve, Governor
is like, I think the Constitution is garbage. We should
tear it up and break up the nation. But this
(41:38):
whole time, Governor's wiener is giving him lots of pain,
and he's also inherited some zesty gout. It's eighteen sixteen,
he's sixty four, and one fatal day, he gets another blockage,
and he decided to yet again unclog his wiener DIY style. Granted,
he had tried a variety of homeopathic methods to get
(41:58):
his wi wi unlocked, none of which had helped him.
So this time, instead of hickory, he decides to he
was a piece of whalebone, and some people think he
got the whalebone from his wife, Nancy's corset. And again
he took his DIY catheter like he had done before,
to unclog his pen but unfortunately, this time it appears
(42:18):
to have only made the problem worse and gave him
an infection. And governknew this wasn't good. In hissiary, he
wrote he was descending with hottering steps to the bottom
of life's hill, and indeed he died on November sixth,
eighteen sixteen, at the age of sixty four from the infection.
(42:45):
Some people think that his blockages could have come from
the fact that he might have had prostate cancer, but
we'll never know for sure. But I like to think
the Governor had banged so much in his life that
his penis just gave out. So to all the slutty
fellows out there, just watch out. Learn a lesson from Governor. Also,
if you want to get with women, maybe lose a leg.
(43:07):
This is American Filth. American Filth is a production of
School of Humans and iHeart Podcasts. It's hosted by me,
Gabby Watts. I wrote this episode. I sound designed it.
That's why it sounds so amazing. Thank you so much.
The theme song was by me and Jesse Niswanger. The
executive producers are Virginia Prescott, Elsie Crowley, and Brandon Barr.
(43:29):
You can follow along with the show at American Filth
pod on Instagram. Please follow, like, subscribe, leave a review
about the pod. I would really appreciate it, even if
it's a terrible review. But if it's a terrible review,
just try and make it really funny. Okay, So guys,
Christian next time, Bang Young
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