August 18, 2021 • 42 mins
Everyone's, literally EVERYONE'S, favorite canonized king, Louis IX, is bad at crusading. And Taylor tells us about enemas in the bottom.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:08):
School of Humans. Okay, hello, welcome to another episode of
Cadaver Gals. This is the show where we explore all
the different ways people have died to cope with our
own mortality. I'm one of your host Gabby, along with
Nika O Hi and Taylor. Hello. Wow, I said your
(00:31):
name normally today? Who am I? That's why? I know? Yeah,
no tricks yet. So today we're going to hear a
tale about a king who maybe met his end in
a different way that people had originally thought that. You know,
(00:52):
he might have died one way, but maybe he died
a different way. Um, we're gonna hear about that. That's
pretty exciting. And then we're also going to hear about
a lady who stuck the wrong thing in her husband's
But oh my gosh, I don't get too excited. I'm
so excited. I found a confetti dildo that I am
like you, No, I'm buying it for myself either when
(01:14):
I get a promotion or on my birthday. Wait, does
a confetti inside of you? Uh? Yeah, it's like no,
it's like what it doesn't have confer Okay, No, it
looks like confetti, but it's obviously it's inside the silicone.
So it's not like anything crazy. You sound like it
was like a confetti gun. No, yeah, you're like no anyway, No,
(01:37):
we are going to talk about vaginal health later in
this episode, so I think that's a good foreshadowing. It's
a good vaginal Do you have some tricks up my sleeve?
I guess wow? Yeah, Um, so I guess, Trey, your
warnings for today are I guess, vaginas. But that's towards
the end. Um vagina. But we're gonna be talking about disease, infection,
(01:57):
you know, maybe some guts, alcohol poisoning, but um, and Catholicism.
Oh my, So we'll be right back. Listen to the
theme music hap on cadaver Gals. Here we are. Wow,
(02:24):
we have so many interesting factoids to get through today,
and Nikka is going to start us off with the
very vague description of the king who died but maybe
died in different way. So why don't you like go
into some more detail about that or something, Nica. You
know that is the plan according to our outline. So
(02:44):
we have a nasty story today, and I am so
excited about it. So I was reading my weekly paper.
I feel so fucking stupid saying my jokes when I
know they're freaking like written down, like I'm not funny.
I think I need everyone to know this podcast. I'm
not funny. Okay. I was reading my weekly paper, the
Journal of Stomatology or and Maxillofacial Surgery, as one does,
(03:08):
right obviously it's called being smart, and they reported that
a certain king we thought died of dysentery or plague
actually died of scurvy like a pirate, right, oh my god, wow, yes,
and just like pirates, this king was in fact burning
(03:30):
and pillaging lands. So here we go. Good, What a
thing for people to be doing. What a thing, honestly
in the medieval times. Um, I think he got what
he deserved, although he ended up being canonized, which like, okay,
spoiler alert, sorry, okay, whatever, anyway, we're talking. That's right everyone.
(03:50):
I know, everyone knows who we're talking about. I know
everyone knows King Louis the Ninth, We know, we know. Yeah,
I was gonna say, was it Louis the ninth or eighth?
You know? Yeah? Yeah, well not everyone have their science
and their Journal of Stomatology on deck like me, you know. Anyway,
(04:11):
So he ruled France as we know, from twelve twenty
six to twelve seventeen, and oh my gosh. First of all,
I find it really funny that he had to take
the throne at twelve years old, which, no, that's like
jof free status. I know. I'm pretty sure that I
was still playing with my littlest pet shops at twelve
(04:31):
years old. But anyway, so he took the throne at twelve.
Obviously he could not rule at twelve because he would
probably be like make everyone race or whatever. So his
mom ruled as like a regent I think it's what
it's called until he was about fifteen, I think, and
he was like a major mama's boy. And when his
(04:52):
mother picked the wife that he would marry, she was like, oh,
this will be a great political marriage whenever, blahlah blah.
They ended up actually really liking each other and having
like a good relationship, which is kind of rare back then. Yeah,
sometimes moms know their boys just knows what they want,
which is a political alliance exactly. But um, medieval people
(05:14):
said that the mom was super jealous because of he
was an ardent husband, is what they wrote down. And
I'm like, oh, giving me okay, bad vibes, giving me
mommy issues. That's not okay. So apparently she was really
crazy and jealous and hated the wife because of that. Anyway,
just some medieval tea on your morning or afternoon or
(05:37):
wherever you are listening, it's morning for me. I think
it'd be good for a dating app. Is you know,
you should just put in your qualities as like I
would be an ardent husband. I mean, I love the
word ardent. I read that and I said, okay, exactly.
But he was also like super super Christian, So how ardent?
Can you really look kidding? Anyway? Um? Well, his wife
(05:58):
is his mom and the Lord. That's a lot of love.
That's relationship. That's as PolyAm rose as Christianity. That's kidding, kidding, Um,
I see you Christian polyamory people, Okay. So um he
was very very Christian and he would punish blasphemy by
mutilating people's tongues and lips. And he also led France
(06:19):
to a time of economic and political prosperity, which is good.
So you know, you got some bad the mutilating, you know,
all that sort of stuff, and he got some good
Ardent husband political prosperity. Okay, Now, crusades were very popular
back then, as we all know, and he was a
big fan of them. He was like, yeah, let's go
on crusades. He got really really sick one time. Um,
(06:41):
he was like on his deathbed and then as he like,
the last words that he said were give me the
cross or actually he's French, so but I won't. I
won't do that. Don't look claw. Hey, Yeah that's like
that sounded like, just give me a look, cry one
seltzer water please. I mean that's I feel like that's
(07:05):
what people would do now. But yes, he was like,
give me the cross. And they gave him the cross
and he put it on his chest and he miraculously
got better. And so he promised God that if he
were to get better from this illness that almost killed him,
he would go on a crusade. It would be his
first crusade like that he was leading. So that was
a big deal. That's such a weird thing to do.
(07:26):
But okay, what I will say, though I know it
sounds crazy, but especially in Catholic countries, that still happens now.
Like I'm pretty sure my grandma she asked God to
heal her from something, and then God did wow. But
and then she had promised him that she would go
to see I think the Virgin Mary or some rosary
(07:49):
person in Mexico. And the doctor was like, you shouldn't travel,
you're just recovering, blahlah blah. She was like, she said,
she promised God, and so she went to Mexico and
she climbed up all of these stairs to go and
see the Virgin Mary and go down. And that was
like her pilgrimage. So it's very much a thing that
people still do, which I'm like, okay, you know, I
(08:13):
thought you were gonna say she went on a crusade.
I was like, damn niked, no, no, she did not
go on a crusade, thankfully. How do people just like
decide randomly like, m if you hear me, I will
go on a crusade. Okay, you know, if you hear me,
I'm you know, I'm gonna just go travel the world.
Like I know, if you'll heal me, I'm gonna get
(08:35):
Lubatan's for myself. Okay. Anyway, so you can say, okay,
So he did it like he was like, I want
to go in to a crusade because I want to
spread the word of God, but then also kill every
Muslim I meet um, which is not not good. That is,
that is very bad, very rude, exactly good crusade analysis. Yep,
(08:59):
you're welcome. So he went on his crusade to the
Holy Land, which is Israel, and he decided to go
through Eja, and he thought it would be really easy.
He was like, we are better. Basically, we are more
quote unquote advanced, is what he thought. So he took
an army of forty thousand men with him, but they
were literally barely halfway across the Nile before the Muslim
(09:21):
armies of Egypt attacked and captured him, which like that
little bitch, that's what gen Z calls an el. Okay, wait,
what does that mean? Like like a loss a loser.
You can make you ws and you can have els.
That's also what smash mouth says. So that's older. That's
know gen xer. Oh it goes back to gen X.
(09:44):
I would say, okay, well, I didn't know the L
the history of the word l. Oh, my gosh, I've
never watched L. That's a letter, you know, I got. Okay,
I'm gonna keep moving. I'm gonna keep a moving. So
he took his army. He got captured immediately, big els
all over here. He was eventually released for an insane ransom.
(10:07):
He was released for four hundred thousand I hate like,
I don't know how to say that, but that was
basically a third of France's annual revenue. So he really
done messed up aa ron Okay, Anyway, I say this
to emphasize that he was not very good at crusades.
That's really the only reason why I brought up his
(10:27):
first crusade. He did end up actually when he was
captured them, he ended up staying after paying the ransom
for four years and making friends with all of the
army generals and governors of that province. And so he
was a very good, charismatic political leader. He was just
terrible at army stuff. He was just bad at it. Okay,
So is he like, shoot, God is mad at me
(10:49):
because I didn't do my crusade? Well, I mean I
think that he thinks, you know, God, I did it
for God and God said no this time. I feel
like that's the way that you know, people think if
it doesn't work out for them, that's still what God wanted,
even though it sucks for you and you're kidnapped. That's
what God is. He's test right, right, Like Drake said, Okay,
(11:14):
so not good at crusades and he didn't go on
another one for over twenty years. He stayed in his lane, king,
and he should have because things got nasty on the
second one. Sometimes as we get older, we forget the
lessons that we learned from our youth, as we all know.
And sure enough, at fifty six, Louis is like, I
(11:34):
want a crusade again. You know, it's time to ride
fast and furious nine the last ride, you know what
I mean. So he packs his stuff up, his armies,
et cetera, and he goes to Tunisia, which is in Africa,
to start the journey of taking the Holy Land back
from the Muslims again. Okay, y'all, they didn't even pack water,
they didn't even pack roads of vegetables. I'm just like,
(11:56):
I pack better than like for a six hour Florida
road trip than they do on a crusade. And that
is lame anyway, they were not. But you're super type
and like, let's plan and g coo everything. Um, that's
more dangerous a crusade are going to Florida. Honestly, I
will let people answer in the comments because we do
(12:17):
not know. Okay, Florida has some messed up things and
spaces and places. I was there two weeks ago, and
I was dancing in a bikini in a gas station. Okay,
I would never do. I saw some things, Nica, you did.
I saw some things. O the Graham, Oh my gosh,
me contracting syphilist because I was barefoot on a gas station. Anyway,
(12:39):
I don't even know. That's how you contractsyphilis. I don't
think so, Okay, unless your vaginas on your feet, Taylor,
I knew that we were going to talk about vaginal health.
This is how you contract syphilis. Okay. So they didn't
even get to fighting. They didn't even They literally set
up camp, and then one sixth of the army died
(13:02):
just with setting up camp, including Saint King Louis. Uh huh.
He also passed. Now for a while, scientists believe that
he died of the plague because it seemed like a
big plague was like riling up the camp. Okay, but
it seems like that was a mistake and also a
bad translation. Of what actually could have been pestilence, so
they translated the medieval French as plague, but it was
(13:26):
actually probably pestilence, which is interesting. His job okay, well,
fuck you, Gabby. His job was found buried in the
Notre Dame and they found evidence of scurvy disease. Interesting now, yes,
now this tracks with a medieval chronicler from that time
who said that the army had suffered from gum necrosis,
(13:48):
which is when your gums die. Now, what they would
have to do to kind of fix this so they
could keep eating and stuff. They would have to cut
the dead tissue off the soldiers, and all throughout the
camp you would hear soldiers screaming in the agony as
their gums would get cut up and their teeth would
get hold because they were indeed suffering. Oh yeah, that's
(14:10):
what happens with scurvy as your gums suck. Well, it
was like it's one of the many scurvy symptoms. But yes,
your gums just start falling apart basically, yes, yea, which
like yucky gums. I don't think about, yeah, like I
don't think about how much they must hurt if they're
not working or if they get infected. But like that
(14:30):
must be very painful and scary and also not cute
at all. You must have a weird smile after that, exactly.
The medieval chronicler also mentioned that Louie this is so disgusting,
would consistently spit out bits of his gums and his
teeth all around the camp. I don't like. Oh that's gross.
(14:51):
I don't like that either. Nows scientists were scratching their
heads as they do, because why would he be suffering
from scurvy? Tunisia has a ton of fruits and vegetables,
but it seems like King Louis didn't want to try
any of the enemy's foods, and so he kept eating
the rations that they brought from France, which were literally
just meat, basically just meat and fish, essentially not exactly
(15:15):
a Balas diet exactly. Also, he would fast a lot
because of his religion, and so it seems like that
also affected the way his bones. Like. They did some
testing to see how his bones were, how his job
bones were, and they showed evidence of someone much older
than King Louis. But they think that that's because of
his really messed up diet, because he was not built
(15:39):
well basically, he did not take care of himself. But
it's for God, so it's fine to have bad bones, right, yes, exactly.
Now scientists are it's going to check louise guts next,
because they say that maybe the scurvy wore Louis down
and an infection actually took hold of him and killed him.
The great news is that his intestines were boiled in
wine spices and salt and preserved, so it shouldn't be
(16:02):
long before we find out what parasite or infection actually
killed this ancient saint, which is exciting. Wow. So they
haven't just like hopped on this research immediately to you know,
make this profound discovery that we all need right now.
It's in progress. It's in progress. You know. I am
checking the Journal of Stomachs Ofciology and maximum a lickive
(16:26):
facial something every day, but nothing yet, but I'll keep
you guys posted. Wow, I love. Why was his guts
boiled without just like a classy thing, yeah like back then? Um, yeah, no, no,
they didn't want to cook them, Taylor, You said that
boiled they did to preserve it. So what they would
(16:47):
do with peple? Okay, what they would do with fancy
people's bodies, holy people's bodies, kings and stuff like that. Is,
they would preserve almost the entire body basically, so like,
for example, to preserve the bones, they would boil off
all the fat and then they would polish them so
all of the bones would like remain perfectly intact. That's
(17:07):
why the job bone was in such good condition. With intestines,
they would basically boil them and then add wine, spices,
salt and literally preserve them as if they were like
salted beef, essentially because they believed that all parts of
the body were holy. Okay, m not to like, I'm
not saying to eat, but they cooked them. That's forbidden
(17:30):
meat actually just forbidden meat, cannibalism. It's the mystery flavor, mystery,
jerky mystery, jerky Louie the Ninth. While Nika, that was
so interesting, thank you for keeping us up to date
on this uh breaking news, and um we will be
(17:52):
right back. It's cold dab a gals here we are
um as Nika spoiled earlier in her story but then
actually didn't say anything more about it. But Louie the
Ninth was canonized, okay, and that doesn't mean he was
put into a human cannonball. And I thought it too,
(18:15):
and I was actually going to write that into my
outline and that I said. I'm gonna give Gabby that.
That's sweet of you. I don't know why that's so
funny that they put a dead king in a human
cannon this launch. But the guts is boiled guts. Okay, um,
that's not what it means. I'm sorry, this is not funny. Okay,
(18:36):
not to be gross though, but um, beef like preserved
in wine and spices sounds real good. I'm not saying guts.
I'm not saying people's guts. I'm saying people cook with
red wine all the time and that's yummi as heck.
So you get mad at me. I said that they
cooked it, and you're like, no, Like, I know, they're
not going to eat it. They're not going to eat
a king. You don't always eat the things you cook, Nika.
(18:59):
Sometimes you let it just rat in your fridge, tailor
grocery shopping. Okay, okay, so he was not putting a
human kim in ball. This is when you get sainted,
even though it is fun to think about. That's what
all the Saints are just human shooting them out. Sorry Catholics.
(19:22):
But um, I was thinking about you know, Loui the
ninth he was sainted, so I was like, well, if
he could do it, we all could write, we can
all get saanted. So I was trying to look at
the steps, like, what do we need to do as
could avergals to be calm saints? Is it? Um? Her
mother Teresa Saint, Yeah, that bitch is and let me
(19:44):
tell you about it. She didn't even have to go
through all the normal rules. Okay, like I think we
might have to go buy the normal rules unfortunately, but
you know, she just got passed through world quick. I're
just like, yeah, I honestly don't think that we qualify. Hey,
because if I's podcast to be saints, that's why we're
(20:04):
going to delete all the epis. So it's after this
one listener. So basically, okay, first first thing you gotta
do is you have to die, so step one to
being sainted. But you know there's some things we should
do before we die. So um, basically, after you die,
what they do is like you know, your congregation or
people who you know, like you your followers, your Instagram
(20:25):
followers will you know, hopefully still five years after you die,
they'll still be following you even though you're not putting
out content. You know, hopefully you have those that real
organic reach, you know, on your Instagram. So then you
have to get your congregation followers to then approach your
area bishop. Okay, so I need to figure out who
that is. Get to the area bishop, and then the
(20:48):
bishop will be like, yeah, okay, yeah, the kidavergals were
pretty cool, so I think we should try this process.
So then the bishop hires get some Catholic investigators, like
It's a True Crime Catholic podcast investigators to look at
your writings and your sermons in your life and like
interview people about you to see if you were truly
(21:11):
a servant of God. This is our trump. This is
where we might have some issues. So that is why
we will need to delete everything we've ever done and
then starting now probably just do some sermons in the
service of God. So that's one step. So anyway, they
do this investigation to establish how much of a servant
of God you are, and then they at that point
(21:35):
then they might get permission to exhume your body because
you know, I guess they need to see the holiness
of your body, which I mean we're gonna be looking
pretty good, I think. So I didn't people's bodies what.
I love doing that, Nico, we talk about They know
it's not all the time, but I think, you know,
maybe they have to look at your bones or some
(21:55):
see if they had you know, Louis had bad bones.
But I think we have good bones, you know, because
Nika has good snacks going to Florida. So that's good.
So after that they'll be like, yes, you're cool and
holy I'm going to give you the title of venerable,
meaning that you are heroic and virtue. Okay, so that's
(22:16):
the next step, is you get that title. You know,
it's incredibly ironic. I did not plan this, but I
got my nails done yesterday and they have little share
of angels all over them. So I feel like I'm
one step closer than all of you. Yeah, this is
a good step. Okay, after you're called venerable, here's what happens.
It's a real biggie. That happens is that you have
(22:37):
to prove that you have some that you you're the
reason for a miracle. By you, I mean your followers.
And this is where I thought like you had to
do miracles in advance of dying, but actually it's post
death miracles were people. Yeah, so people have to pray
and say that they are praying exclusively to you, and
(22:58):
through that act a miracle occurred. Now, miracles are usually
in the healthcare system. It's like, Yo, if you have
a disease or an ailment, or you're in an accident
where you're like finna die, then someone prays exclusively to
you or exclusively to the person, to the cadaver gals,
and they get and they heal without any like scientific explanation.
(23:21):
That's how you prove it's a miracle. So basically, you
just got to find some sick people and you got
to pray to the one person you want to make
a saint, and then the miracle has to occur. They
have to get better without any reason and you're being
like doctor, I would be like wow, wow, what happened.
So that's how usually a miracle be happening. Okay, the
(23:41):
miracle is not that this show got green light and
we did it. That's not the miracle. It is a miracle,
but it has to be more of like you know,
a dire more of a dire miracle. Okay, So and
then once that happens, then that's that's beautification. And it's
when you're beautified, that's what that's called. But so you
(24:02):
got to be sexy, Yeah, gotta get beautified, Okay, absolutely,
So after you're beautified, the thing one way we could
surpass this pass this step would be to die martyrs,
so you don't have to do that miracle if you're
a martyr. You know, you die if you die for
you know, the Lord sad sadly though, the next step
(24:25):
after that is another miracle. So martyrs you only need
one miracle, but non martyrs you need to do like
two miracles to occur. But then once you have that
next miracle, then you know, people can finally like start
you're finally a saint and they can finally start like
you know, erecting churches in your name, are renaming churches
(24:48):
to your name, and you can also like you get
a feast day and shit. But the thing is, like,
I don't even think it's that special, you know, because
there's like more than ten thousand saints and shit, and
so it's like the only people who might celebrate your
feast day would be like your original Instagram congregation. So
it's like, ah, is it really even worth it? I
did not know that there were over ten thousand saints.
(25:11):
I had no idea who's the most over ten thousand miracles? Wow.
I would just like to say, I already am a
church so imbed very funny, Taylor church very and I'm
a lightbulb lots of watts. Okay, I'm a sexy last
Nambaka's just sexy. Okay, great, yep. Anyway, this is how
(25:34):
we can eventually be celebrated across the Catholic diaspora. But
we'll figure that out at some point. We got we
gotta just delete everything, but we'll get there anyway. We're
gonna I'm gonna segue into Taylor's story really smartly. You
know what Catholics like drinking the blood of Christ. You
know what the blood of Christ is is wine, and
(25:56):
you know water into wine wine, wine. Oh, Taylor, Taylor's
story has some alcohol on it too. That also saints
know what saints have butts okay wow, and so Taylor, Yeah,
(26:16):
take us down the rabbit hole of your story. Great, yeah,
I will um as you just said, we're talking about butts. Yea.
My excuse for my sucking at telling a story today
is that I'm busy at work. But when in doubt
talk about butts. Yeah. Absolutely. Also, you literally haven't even started.
(26:38):
You don't suck yet. Okay, I'll tell you. Yeah, I'll
tell you if it happens. Not yet, okay. Two thousand
and four. How are we feeling so far? Bush Presidency?
Email music, great, low rise sticks. It's like we're trying
to go back there now anyway, it really is, and
it's dressing me. I don't like that idea. But um
(27:00):
so there's this couple and they were in their forties
and fifties. Their names were what yeah, their names were
Michael and Tammy. No hate, but like Tammy is like
is like the name Karen, except for their thing is
that they just do some like crazy shit. Tammy is
a crazy crazy woman name. Um well that's like in
(27:21):
um uh Parks and Recreation. Yeah. Yeah, and his wives
name Tammy and they're all crazy. Yes, so good. I
need to rewatch that. Tammy is like a white trash
Karen maybe yeah, old Tam Tam. Um So anyway, Michael,
so we have Tammy so, and then we have Michael,
(27:42):
who was a bit of an alcoholic goops. Yeah, and
he was sickly, which made alcoholism a little bit tricky.
He had these ulcers and it also gave him really
bad heartburn. Also, when I was writing this, I had heartburn,
and I was like looking for Tom's so I could relate.
I was like, no alcohol for me, heartburn. Tam Tam
(28:04):
and the tom toms. Tam Tam and the tom toms
and Tam Tam also had some tomtoms. Um that was
jomb okay, seem sucking all right. Um So anyway, so
that was problematic because he had these ultrastuff he couldn't
really swallow. He was all they were. All the doctors
were also like, you probably shouldn't have alcohol. It's not
it's not great for you in your current condition. But
he was like, you know what I need, I need it.
(28:27):
But he was a trickster and found a different way
to consume alcohol. Um, and he thought he was gonna
outsmart the doctors. So what he did was he would
take alcoholic enemas, specifically of the sherry variety, Sherry and
his but yeah, I thought Tammy was in his but
not sherry. That's a good joke. I didn't think about
(28:50):
so an alcoholic enema. The youths like to call this
butt chucking or boofing. In my day, we would just
funnel beer or do you like keg stands? But okay, um,
your button, no through your mouth. So anyway, but if
you recall, you've seen a butt enema, a butt chugging, yeah,
(29:11):
at a frat party. At a frat party, It's it's disgusting.
I like, don't ever want to see that again ever
in my life. Okay, well it's really dangerous. So yeah, yeah,
I mean here tell you. Also, I'm really dumb and
I literally thought that like an alcoholic enema would just
be like a liquid advil or something that would just
(29:33):
like dissolve and then the alcohol would be there. I'm like,
really stupid, but really it I like looked it up
and it's literally like funneling through your bottom. Absolutely, that
is that is what I saw. It was a handstand,
it was a it was a leg spread open, it
was a it was a funnel. Yeah. So too, Literally,
like Nika just said, to have an alcoholic enema, you
(29:55):
just have a little funnel, a little tube, you know,
to do, just pick your poison and bottoms up literally bottom.
That's really funny, Taylor, thank you. But yeah, so I'm
not judging, but the sherry seems to be like a
very fancy booth and it's like why, I don't know,
Like you can't even taste it, right, which thank god,
because that would be really gross. That's nasty. But also
(30:18):
like he was an alcoholic. I think he needed it,
you know, I know that's what I'm saying. It's like,
but share it anyway. Whatever. But actually, so when Michael
was younger, his mom, like all of this makes sense
full circle. His mom would give him these enemas, and
he basically became addicted to these enemas, and so he
became very dependent on them. His mom gave him alcohol,
(30:38):
not alcohol like other enemas, but like why, I don't
really know. It was just like you're not feeling well, enema,
you know, like I havena tell me like enema. I
don't know. Oh so he Yeah, he became very dependent
on them. So it all kind of makes sense. But anyway,
this was a typical day, I guess in Michael's like, Kunney,
(31:01):
it's time for my sherry drops trial. Tammy does hurt.
So Tammy was helping him with the enemas this whole
time with the child obviously, but so yeah, some people
can do it on their own. But Tammy was old,
Tam Tammy, she was nice and she was happy to
administer his sherry enema. But unfortunately this would be the
(31:21):
last alcoholic enema he ever got. That means he died.
Oh oh. So the next day, Tam Tam found her
husband unresponsive. She calls nine to one one where he's
pronounced dead and the coroner had suspected that he had
about two bottles of alcohol. That's a lot. His blood
(31:43):
alcohol content was point four seven, which is like six
times the two drunk to drive limit. I couldn't find
exactly how much he was given, like how much of
this enema he was given. But here's the thing. When
you drink alcohol, there's like a lot of stuff that happens.
It goes through a lot of things, it gets filtered,
and it's the alcohol is gradually introduced into your bloodstream
(32:06):
and then so like when you have too much alcohol,
your body reacts by throwing up or passing out to
basically stop you from poisoning yourself. But with an enema.
With an alcoholic enema, that doesn't really happen. He goes
directly to your bloodstream, Like when it's taken, it's just
chilling in there, swirling around, going into your bloodstream. So
(32:29):
it's pretty easy to have too much. You don't realize
how much you've had before it's too late. So we
can only assume that that's what happened here. So Tammy
gets arrested. Oh no, tarrested because they're like, hello, he's dead,
what did what did you do? And like, and she
(32:49):
did say like, hey, he takes alcohol enemas, like that's
a thing that he does. I wasn't a hundred person
if she actually there. I saw where she like said
that she denied giving him the enema, but like sometimes
like she did, so I'm like kind of confused. I
think she did. But anyway, so she goes to jail
for a negligent homicide. She's then released on the thirty
(33:12):
thousand dollar bond, and then three years later they go
to trial. The trials then dismissed for lack of evidence.
So basically, the defense was making this comparison that like
if somebody has lung cancer and you buy them cigarettes.
Is that murder? So there's like no evidence found whether
she would like intentionally murder her husband, and like I
think something else. She also like burned his will, which
(33:36):
you're not supposed to do that, but like I guess
she did that to prove like I didn't want anything
out of this, like I loved him, he loved me,
like I was just doing what he wanted. And you
know me, I love a good quote. So here's what
old Tam Tam said. My husband told me he loved
me more than anything in the world except for God. Olwell,
(33:58):
I'm not ashamed of my husband because I loved him
and I supported him a thousand percent. Whatever he wanted
to do, that's the way he went out. And I'm
sure that's the way he wanted to go out because
he loved his enemas wow wow, oh my. So she
was like she was like, look, he died, he died
(34:20):
doing what he loved. I supported him, but I didn't
kill him. Shit happens, like it was a dangerous thing,
and we all knew that it was a dangerous thing.
But that was a risk I guess that he was
willing to take. So I just that last sentence like
he died doing what he loved and that was enemas.
(34:42):
My god. Yeah, wow, I mean some people, I mean
beyond and I don't know, Gabby, if you're gonna talk
about this later, but beyond the fact that it gets
you drunker faster, it's also like kind of an erotic
thing I guess for some people. So I don't know.
I guess, well, Taylor, thank you for that. Um, I
(35:03):
guess it's a good less Yeah, sherry was a specific
beverage that is interesting. But we'll be right back with
a little bit more about sticking things in your orifices. Okay,
b I b RB. Okay. Here we are at cadaver
Gal's um having a good ass time talking about, you know,
(35:27):
an enema of alcohol and your bottom. Um. Okay, so
you know, alcohol enemas, as Taylor is saying, they're a
real thing. People do them. There's all a large variety
of different types of cinemas too. And Taylor is also
telling us about how you know it's dangerous as heck,
because it means, you know, if it's going into your butt,
(35:47):
there isn't like a way to regurgitate the alcohol. You know,
you can't throw it up so like you will just
like be more susceptible to alcohol poisoning. But yeah, so
throwing up is let Okay, drinking is so cool. Okay,
but the butt is not the only orifice people have
put alcohol in before. Definitely not why Okay, they've surprised.
(36:07):
They've also you know, have you know, soaked tampons in
alcohol and stuck it in their cooters. Yeah wait, JK,
that's not a real thing. Okay, this is actually an
y Yeah, okay legend. I thought that. I don't. Wow,
I heard about that growing up, like in high school.
(36:28):
That's so weird. Yeah, this is the problem with the media.
Sometimes you hear a thing and then you're like, oh
my god, it must be real. It's like the show
this show where I like to do fearmongering. It's the
same thing. That's a lot of like fearmongering. Like maybe
a few times people have done this, but it was
not like the epidemic of suburban teens that like the
media was trying to make it seem like, or the
(36:48):
media wasn't trying. They would just like caught got caught
up in like the salaciousness and the dangerousness of this
idea that teens were doing this to get drunk, okay,
because basically, yeah, because I remember this was like in
twenty twelve, I think, like, but the earliest time this
was ever like report ordered it in like a newspaper,
was in like nineteen ninety nine. But there really just
(37:09):
isn't Like most of the stories, there's never an actual
specific case where this happened. And so basically what they
would say is that, you know, parents, they need to
watch out for their kids soaking tampons and alcohol and
sticking it in their vaginas because they want to get
drunk faster. They also want to like not smell like alcohol.
And they also thought that you know, if you got
(37:31):
drunk in this manner, you wouldn't when you were breathalyzed,
there wouldn't be any alcohol trace in your breath. But
all of this thing is like even those points that
they're trying to make in this lie are also like
none of that actually works, because like even if you
did get drunk off of like either butt chugging or
having like a tampon and your vagina soaked an alcohol,
(37:53):
you would still your breath would still smell because it's
still a way alcohol is expelled and also your breath.
You would when your breath, Liz, you would still still
in your Yeah, it's still in your bloodstream. So all
of that is silly, even the lines within the lie,
it's all stupid. Also another problem here's this is why
(38:14):
journalism is can be hilarious. I guess journalism in quotation marks.
But there's this one blogger who actually did an experiment
who was like, Okay, they're saying teams are doing this,
so let's try it out. Let's do it. And I
didn't take it upon myself try it out this time.
Good glad you made that. But she did a test
where she took some tampons and she'd put them in
(38:35):
vodka to see how much they absorbed. And it was
kind of like with a regular tampon it would be
like a third of a shot, so a third of
an ounce basically, but then you know, made with a
jumbo tampon, at most it would be like one point
five ounces, so kind of like your standard bar drink
or whatever. But the problem is, then here's the thing.
Once you like have a tampon that has liquid in it,
(38:56):
it's hard to put it up in there. We all
know that, you know, you're not going to do a
pre damned tampon up in there. No, So like when
you're even trying to put it in like that alcohol,
it's gonna like spill out of it because you're and
so the thing is like, even if you did do that,
like you're not even putting that much alcohol into your body. Okay,
So it's all silly. It doesn't make any sense. So
(39:19):
you wouldn't even really get drunk. So then it's kind
of like, well, how would you do it? Would you
have to like stick lots of tampons up in there?
And teens, teens, college kids, I don't think anyone's you know,
there's a level of discomfort that people do, I think
to have fun. But that's just like a lot of discomfort.
So it doesn't make any sense. Also, it's gonna hurt,
like ass like, it's gonna hurt so bad because especially
(39:41):
if you're doing it in liquor, you're putting now you know,
you're putting a liquor stingy thing into your very You know,
we should protect the vagina because it has all this
like you know, bacteria. It's a very delicate balance of
fluids and junk and so you've got to keep it
all good, and so if you put the alcohol, it
(40:02):
would just be really bad for you. But also it
hurt really bad. Yeah, it's weird. When I was in
high school, I remember everyone talking about this, but no
one ever, like, I don't know anyone who actually did it,
you know, yeah, because it's fake. I mean I think
it's someone's done that. I someone has done this. You know,
people have for sure stuck things and their vagina that
maybe shouldn't have been there, just like the butt. You know,
(40:25):
we've done we eat on cadiver gals have exposed some
of these problems of you know, like eels in the
butt like that. The eel in the butt was crazy.
That was one of the stories I've ever told. I
didn't like that one anyway. But this is kind of
also like the same thing with like tide pods, where
like it wasn't really a thing, but then it just
(40:47):
got blown out of proportion of like, yeah, I mean
tide pods, probably someone's eating them before, but it's not
like an epidemic. Yeah, tiods, do they look scrumptious? Yeah, yeah,
but like no one's gonna eat them. That's like when
you look like at rocks, like pretty rocks. You want
to put them in your mouth, but you're not gonna
do it because that's remember the bath salt salt? Yeah,
(41:09):
oh my gosh, yes, when that one guy, everyone thought
that he was like crazy quote unquote off bath salt
and then he turns out he had severe mental illness.
We also talked about that in the podcast We are
Exposed a Queens. Okay, wow, we know we literally thought
there was gonna be a zombie apocalypse, absolutely absolutely because
of bath salts. But no, I was scared to use
(41:30):
bath salts for like the longest time. You were afraid
we gonna eat them? No, oh my gosh. No, I
was just afraid they're gonna seep into my skin and
turn me into a zombie. Okay, yeah, so all I'm
trying to say, kids, Okay, if you're a teen who's
trying to get drunk, just do it the regular way
through your mouth hole. Okay, you don't need these other holes,
(41:53):
you know. Well, this has been another episode of cadaver gals. Um.
I hope you guys are gonna follow us so that
we can become saints, um and make sure you know,
we get that Okay, so we'll talk at you next week.
Mp RAMP. Cadaver Gals is a production of School of
(42:24):
Humans and iHeartRadio. It is hosted by Me, Gabby Watts,
Nika Duarte, and Taylor Church. You can follow us on
the internet at cadaver Gaws on Instagram and Twitter. You
can also like and subscribe on various apps or whatever.
And if you're going to leave a review, be nice
about it. And also stop worrying about medieval rats. They're fine.
School of Humans. Okay, hello, welcome to another episode of
Cadaver Gals. This is the show where we explore all
the different ways people have died to cope with our
own mortality. I'm one of your host Gabby, along with
Nika O Hi and Taylor. Hello. Wow, I said your
(00:31):
name normally today? Who am I? That's why? I know? Yeah,
no tricks yet. So today we're going to hear a
tale about a king who maybe met his end in
a different way that people had originally thought that. You know,
(00:52):
he might have died one way, but maybe he died
a different way. Um, we're gonna hear about that. That's
pretty exciting. And then we're also going to hear about
a lady who stuck the wrong thing in her husband's
But oh my gosh, I don't get too excited. I'm
so excited. I found a confetti dildo that I am
like you, No, I'm buying it for myself either when
(01:14):
I get a promotion or on my birthday. Wait, does
a confetti inside of you? Uh? Yeah, it's like no,
it's like what it doesn't have confer Okay, No, it
looks like confetti, but it's obviously it's inside the silicone.
So it's not like anything crazy. You sound like it
was like a confetti gun. No, yeah, you're like no anyway, No,
(01:37):
we are going to talk about vaginal health later in
this episode, so I think that's a good foreshadowing. It's
a good vaginal Do you have some tricks up my sleeve?
I guess wow? Yeah, Um, so I guess, Trey, your
warnings for today are I guess, vaginas. But that's towards
the end. Um vagina. But we're gonna be talking about disease, infection,
(01:57):
you know, maybe some guts, alcohol poisoning, but um, and Catholicism.
Oh my, So we'll be right back. Listen to the
theme music hap on cadaver Gals. Here we are. Wow,
(02:24):
we have so many interesting factoids to get through today,
and Nikka is going to start us off with the
very vague description of the king who died but maybe
died in different way. So why don't you like go
into some more detail about that or something, Nica. You
know that is the plan according to our outline. So
(02:44):
we have a nasty story today, and I am so
excited about it. So I was reading my weekly paper.
I feel so fucking stupid saying my jokes when I
know they're freaking like written down, like I'm not funny.
I think I need everyone to know this podcast. I'm
not funny. Okay. I was reading my weekly paper, the
Journal of Stomatology or and Maxillofacial Surgery, as one does,
(03:08):
right obviously it's called being smart, and they reported that
a certain king we thought died of dysentery or plague
actually died of scurvy like a pirate, right, oh my god, wow, yes,
and just like pirates, this king was in fact burning
(03:30):
and pillaging lands. So here we go. Good, What a
thing for people to be doing. What a thing, honestly
in the medieval times. Um, I think he got what
he deserved, although he ended up being canonized, which like, okay,
spoiler alert, sorry, okay, whatever, anyway, we're talking. That's right everyone.
(03:50):
I know, everyone knows who we're talking about. I know
everyone knows King Louis the Ninth, We know, we know. Yeah,
I was gonna say, was it Louis the ninth or eighth?
You know? Yeah? Yeah, well not everyone have their science
and their Journal of Stomatology on deck like me, you know. Anyway,
(04:11):
So he ruled France as we know, from twelve twenty
six to twelve seventeen, and oh my gosh. First of all,
I find it really funny that he had to take
the throne at twelve years old, which, no, that's like
jof free status. I know. I'm pretty sure that I
was still playing with my littlest pet shops at twelve
(04:31):
years old. But anyway, so he took the throne at twelve.
Obviously he could not rule at twelve because he would
probably be like make everyone race or whatever. So his
mom ruled as like a regent I think it's what
it's called until he was about fifteen, I think, and
he was like a major mama's boy. And when his
(04:52):
mother picked the wife that he would marry, she was like, oh,
this will be a great political marriage whenever, blahlah blah.
They ended up actually really liking each other and having
like a good relationship, which is kind of rare back then. Yeah,
sometimes moms know their boys just knows what they want,
which is a political alliance exactly. But um, medieval people
(05:14):
said that the mom was super jealous because of he
was an ardent husband, is what they wrote down. And
I'm like, oh, giving me okay, bad vibes, giving me
mommy issues. That's not okay. So apparently she was really
crazy and jealous and hated the wife because of that. Anyway,
just some medieval tea on your morning or afternoon or
(05:37):
wherever you are listening, it's morning for me. I think
it'd be good for a dating app. Is you know,
you should just put in your qualities as like I
would be an ardent husband. I mean, I love the
word ardent. I read that and I said, okay, exactly.
But he was also like super super Christian, So how ardent?
Can you really look kidding? Anyway? Um? Well, his wife
(05:58):
is his mom and the Lord. That's a lot of love.
That's relationship. That's as PolyAm rose as Christianity. That's kidding, kidding, Um,
I see you Christian polyamory people, Okay. So um he
was very very Christian and he would punish blasphemy by
mutilating people's tongues and lips. And he also led France
(06:19):
to a time of economic and political prosperity, which is good.
So you know, you got some bad the mutilating, you know,
all that sort of stuff, and he got some good
Ardent husband political prosperity. Okay, Now, crusades were very popular
back then, as we all know, and he was a
big fan of them. He was like, yeah, let's go
on crusades. He got really really sick one time. Um,
(06:41):
he was like on his deathbed and then as he like,
the last words that he said were give me the
cross or actually he's French, so but I won't. I
won't do that. Don't look claw. Hey, Yeah that's like
that sounded like, just give me a look, cry one
seltzer water please. I mean that's I feel like that's
(07:05):
what people would do now. But yes, he was like,
give me the cross. And they gave him the cross
and he put it on his chest and he miraculously
got better. And so he promised God that if he
were to get better from this illness that almost killed him,
he would go on a crusade. It would be his
first crusade like that he was leading. So that was
a big deal. That's such a weird thing to do.
(07:26):
But okay, what I will say, though I know it
sounds crazy, but especially in Catholic countries, that still happens now.
Like I'm pretty sure my grandma she asked God to
heal her from something, and then God did wow. But
and then she had promised him that she would go
to see I think the Virgin Mary or some rosary
(07:49):
person in Mexico. And the doctor was like, you shouldn't travel,
you're just recovering, blahlah blah. She was like, she said,
she promised God, and so she went to Mexico and
she climbed up all of these stairs to go and
see the Virgin Mary and go down. And that was
like her pilgrimage. So it's very much a thing that
people still do, which I'm like, okay, you know, I
(08:13):
thought you were gonna say she went on a crusade.
I was like, damn niked, no, no, she did not
go on a crusade, thankfully. How do people just like
decide randomly like, m if you hear me, I will
go on a crusade. Okay, you know, if you hear me,
I'm you know, I'm gonna just go travel the world.
Like I know, if you'll heal me, I'm gonna get
(08:35):
Lubatan's for myself. Okay. Anyway, so you can say, okay,
So he did it like he was like, I want
to go in to a crusade because I want to
spread the word of God, but then also kill every
Muslim I meet um, which is not not good. That is,
that is very bad, very rude, exactly good crusade analysis. Yep,
(08:59):
you're welcome. So he went on his crusade to the
Holy Land, which is Israel, and he decided to go
through Eja, and he thought it would be really easy.
He was like, we are better. Basically, we are more
quote unquote advanced, is what he thought. So he took
an army of forty thousand men with him, but they
were literally barely halfway across the Nile before the Muslim
(09:21):
armies of Egypt attacked and captured him, which like that
little bitch, that's what gen Z calls an el. Okay, wait,
what does that mean? Like like a loss a loser.
You can make you ws and you can have els.
That's also what smash mouth says. So that's older. That's
know gen xer. Oh it goes back to gen X.
(09:44):
I would say, okay, well, I didn't know the L
the history of the word l. Oh, my gosh, I've
never watched L. That's a letter, you know, I got. Okay,
I'm gonna keep moving. I'm gonna keep a moving. So
he took his army. He got captured immediately, big els
all over here. He was eventually released for an insane ransom.
(10:07):
He was released for four hundred thousand I hate like,
I don't know how to say that, but that was
basically a third of France's annual revenue. So he really
done messed up aa ron Okay, Anyway, I say this
to emphasize that he was not very good at crusades.
That's really the only reason why I brought up his
(10:27):
first crusade. He did end up actually when he was
captured them, he ended up staying after paying the ransom
for four years and making friends with all of the
army generals and governors of that province. And so he
was a very good, charismatic political leader. He was just
terrible at army stuff. He was just bad at it. Okay,
So is he like, shoot, God is mad at me
(10:49):
because I didn't do my crusade? Well, I mean I
think that he thinks, you know, God, I did it
for God and God said no this time. I feel
like that's the way that you know, people think if
it doesn't work out for them, that's still what God wanted,
even though it sucks for you and you're kidnapped. That's
what God is. He's test right, right, Like Drake said, Okay,
(11:14):
so not good at crusades and he didn't go on
another one for over twenty years. He stayed in his lane, king,
and he should have because things got nasty on the
second one. Sometimes as we get older, we forget the
lessons that we learned from our youth, as we all know.
And sure enough, at fifty six, Louis is like, I
(11:34):
want a crusade again. You know, it's time to ride
fast and furious nine the last ride, you know what
I mean. So he packs his stuff up, his armies,
et cetera, and he goes to Tunisia, which is in Africa,
to start the journey of taking the Holy Land back
from the Muslims again. Okay, y'all, they didn't even pack water,
they didn't even pack roads of vegetables. I'm just like,
(11:56):
I pack better than like for a six hour Florida
road trip than they do on a crusade. And that
is lame anyway, they were not. But you're super type
and like, let's plan and g coo everything. Um, that's
more dangerous a crusade are going to Florida. Honestly, I
will let people answer in the comments because we do
(12:17):
not know. Okay, Florida has some messed up things and
spaces and places. I was there two weeks ago, and
I was dancing in a bikini in a gas station. Okay,
I would never do. I saw some things, Nica, you did.
I saw some things. O the Graham, Oh my gosh,
me contracting syphilist because I was barefoot on a gas station. Anyway,
(12:39):
I don't even know. That's how you contractsyphilis. I don't
think so, Okay, unless your vaginas on your feet, Taylor,
I knew that we were going to talk about vaginal health.
This is how you contract syphilis. Okay. So they didn't
even get to fighting. They didn't even They literally set
up camp, and then one sixth of the army died
(13:02):
just with setting up camp, including Saint King Louis. Uh huh.
He also passed. Now for a while, scientists believe that
he died of the plague because it seemed like a
big plague was like riling up the camp. Okay, but
it seems like that was a mistake and also a
bad translation. Of what actually could have been pestilence, so
they translated the medieval French as plague, but it was
(13:26):
actually probably pestilence, which is interesting. His job okay, well,
fuck you, Gabby. His job was found buried in the
Notre Dame and they found evidence of scurvy disease. Interesting now, yes,
now this tracks with a medieval chronicler from that time
who said that the army had suffered from gum necrosis,
(13:48):
which is when your gums die. Now, what they would
have to do to kind of fix this so they
could keep eating and stuff. They would have to cut
the dead tissue off the soldiers, and all throughout the
camp you would hear soldiers screaming in the agony as
their gums would get cut up and their teeth would
get hold because they were indeed suffering. Oh yeah, that's
(14:10):
what happens with scurvy as your gums suck. Well, it
was like it's one of the many scurvy symptoms. But yes,
your gums just start falling apart basically, yes, yea, which
like yucky gums. I don't think about, yeah, like I
don't think about how much they must hurt if they're
not working or if they get infected. But like that
(14:30):
must be very painful and scary and also not cute
at all. You must have a weird smile after that, exactly.
The medieval chronicler also mentioned that Louie this is so disgusting,
would consistently spit out bits of his gums and his
teeth all around the camp. I don't like. Oh that's gross.
(14:51):
I don't like that either. Nows scientists were scratching their
heads as they do, because why would he be suffering
from scurvy? Tunisia has a ton of fruits and vegetables,
but it seems like King Louis didn't want to try
any of the enemy's foods, and so he kept eating
the rations that they brought from France, which were literally
just meat, basically just meat and fish, essentially not exactly
(15:15):
a Balas diet exactly. Also, he would fast a lot
because of his religion, and so it seems like that
also affected the way his bones. Like. They did some
testing to see how his bones were, how his job
bones were, and they showed evidence of someone much older
than King Louis. But they think that that's because of
his really messed up diet, because he was not built
(15:39):
well basically, he did not take care of himself. But
it's for God, so it's fine to have bad bones, right, yes, exactly.
Now scientists are it's going to check louise guts next,
because they say that maybe the scurvy wore Louis down
and an infection actually took hold of him and killed him.
The great news is that his intestines were boiled in
wine spices and salt and preserved, so it shouldn't be
(16:02):
long before we find out what parasite or infection actually
killed this ancient saint, which is exciting. Wow. So they
haven't just like hopped on this research immediately to you know,
make this profound discovery that we all need right now.
It's in progress. It's in progress. You know. I am
checking the Journal of Stomachs Ofciology and maximum a lickive
(16:26):
facial something every day, but nothing yet, but I'll keep
you guys posted. Wow, I love. Why was his guts
boiled without just like a classy thing, yeah like back then? Um, yeah, no, no,
they didn't want to cook them, Taylor, You said that
boiled they did to preserve it. So what they would
(16:47):
do with peple? Okay, what they would do with fancy
people's bodies, holy people's bodies, kings and stuff like that. Is,
they would preserve almost the entire body basically, so like,
for example, to preserve the bones, they would boil off
all the fat and then they would polish them so
all of the bones would like remain perfectly intact. That's
(17:07):
why the job bone was in such good condition. With intestines,
they would basically boil them and then add wine, spices,
salt and literally preserve them as if they were like
salted beef, essentially because they believed that all parts of
the body were holy. Okay, m not to like, I'm
not saying to eat, but they cooked them. That's forbidden
(17:30):
meat actually just forbidden meat, cannibalism. It's the mystery flavor, mystery,
jerky mystery, jerky Louie the Ninth. While Nika, that was
so interesting, thank you for keeping us up to date
on this uh breaking news, and um we will be
(17:52):
right back. It's cold dab a gals here we are
um as Nika spoiled earlier in her story but then
actually didn't say anything more about it. But Louie the
Ninth was canonized, okay, and that doesn't mean he was
put into a human cannonball. And I thought it too,
(18:15):
and I was actually going to write that into my
outline and that I said. I'm gonna give Gabby that.
That's sweet of you. I don't know why that's so
funny that they put a dead king in a human
cannon this launch. But the guts is boiled guts. Okay, um,
that's not what it means. I'm sorry, this is not funny. Okay,
(18:36):
not to be gross though, but um, beef like preserved
in wine and spices sounds real good. I'm not saying guts.
I'm not saying people's guts. I'm saying people cook with
red wine all the time and that's yummi as heck.
So you get mad at me. I said that they
cooked it, and you're like, no, Like, I know, they're
not going to eat it. They're not going to eat
a king. You don't always eat the things you cook, Nika.
(18:59):
Sometimes you let it just rat in your fridge, tailor
grocery shopping. Okay, okay, so he was not putting a
human kim in ball. This is when you get sainted,
even though it is fun to think about. That's what
all the Saints are just human shooting them out. Sorry Catholics.
(19:22):
But um, I was thinking about you know, Loui the
ninth he was sainted, so I was like, well, if
he could do it, we all could write, we can
all get saanted. So I was trying to look at
the steps, like, what do we need to do as
could avergals to be calm saints? Is it? Um? Her
mother Teresa Saint, Yeah, that bitch is and let me
(19:44):
tell you about it. She didn't even have to go
through all the normal rules. Okay, like I think we
might have to go buy the normal rules unfortunately, but
you know, she just got passed through world quick. I're
just like, yeah, I honestly don't think that we qualify. Hey,
because if I's podcast to be saints, that's why we're
(20:04):
going to delete all the epis. So it's after this
one listener. So basically, okay, first first thing you gotta
do is you have to die, so step one to
being sainted. But you know there's some things we should
do before we die. So um, basically, after you die,
what they do is like you know, your congregation or
people who you know, like you your followers, your Instagram
(20:25):
followers will you know, hopefully still five years after you die,
they'll still be following you even though you're not putting
out content. You know, hopefully you have those that real
organic reach, you know, on your Instagram. So then you
have to get your congregation followers to then approach your
area bishop. Okay, so I need to figure out who
that is. Get to the area bishop, and then the
(20:48):
bishop will be like, yeah, okay, yeah, the kidavergals were
pretty cool, so I think we should try this process.
So then the bishop hires get some Catholic investigators, like
It's a True Crime Catholic podcast investigators to look at
your writings and your sermons in your life and like
interview people about you to see if you were truly
(21:11):
a servant of God. This is our trump. This is
where we might have some issues. So that is why
we will need to delete everything we've ever done and
then starting now probably just do some sermons in the
service of God. So that's one step. So anyway, they
do this investigation to establish how much of a servant
of God you are, and then they at that point
(21:35):
then they might get permission to exhume your body because
you know, I guess they need to see the holiness
of your body, which I mean we're gonna be looking
pretty good, I think. So I didn't people's bodies what.
I love doing that, Nico, we talk about They know
it's not all the time, but I think, you know,
maybe they have to look at your bones or some
(21:55):
see if they had you know, Louis had bad bones.
But I think we have good bones, you know, because
Nika has good snacks going to Florida. So that's good.
So after that they'll be like, yes, you're cool and
holy I'm going to give you the title of venerable,
meaning that you are heroic and virtue. Okay, so that's
(22:16):
the next step, is you get that title. You know,
it's incredibly ironic. I did not plan this, but I
got my nails done yesterday and they have little share
of angels all over them. So I feel like I'm
one step closer than all of you. Yeah, this is
a good step. Okay, after you're called venerable, here's what happens.
It's a real biggie. That happens is that you have
(22:37):
to prove that you have some that you you're the
reason for a miracle. By you, I mean your followers.
And this is where I thought like you had to
do miracles in advance of dying, but actually it's post
death miracles were people. Yeah, so people have to pray
and say that they are praying exclusively to you, and
(22:58):
through that act a miracle occurred. Now, miracles are usually
in the healthcare system. It's like, Yo, if you have
a disease or an ailment, or you're in an accident
where you're like finna die, then someone prays exclusively to
you or exclusively to the person, to the cadaver gals,
and they get and they heal without any like scientific explanation.
(23:21):
That's how you prove it's a miracle. So basically, you
just got to find some sick people and you got
to pray to the one person you want to make
a saint, and then the miracle has to occur. They
have to get better without any reason and you're being
like doctor, I would be like wow, wow, what happened.
So that's how usually a miracle be happening. Okay, the
(23:41):
miracle is not that this show got green light and
we did it. That's not the miracle. It is a miracle,
but it has to be more of like you know,
a dire more of a dire miracle. Okay, So and
then once that happens, then that's that's beautification. And it's
when you're beautified, that's what that's called. But so you
(24:02):
got to be sexy, Yeah, gotta get beautified, Okay, absolutely,
So after you're beautified, the thing one way we could
surpass this pass this step would be to die martyrs,
so you don't have to do that miracle if you're
a martyr. You know, you die if you die for
you know, the Lord sad sadly though, the next step
(24:25):
after that is another miracle. So martyrs you only need
one miracle, but non martyrs you need to do like
two miracles to occur. But then once you have that
next miracle, then you know, people can finally like start
you're finally a saint and they can finally start like
you know, erecting churches in your name, are renaming churches
(24:48):
to your name, and you can also like you get
a feast day and shit. But the thing is, like,
I don't even think it's that special, you know, because
there's like more than ten thousand saints and shit, and
so it's like the only people who might celebrate your
feast day would be like your original Instagram congregation. So
it's like, ah, is it really even worth it? I
did not know that there were over ten thousand saints.
(25:11):
I had no idea who's the most over ten thousand miracles? Wow.
I would just like to say, I already am a
church so imbed very funny, Taylor church very and I'm
a lightbulb lots of watts. Okay, I'm a sexy last
Nambaka's just sexy. Okay, great, yep. Anyway, this is how
(25:34):
we can eventually be celebrated across the Catholic diaspora. But
we'll figure that out at some point. We got we
gotta just delete everything, but we'll get there anyway. We're
gonna I'm gonna segue into Taylor's story really smartly. You
know what Catholics like drinking the blood of Christ. You
know what the blood of Christ is is wine, and
(25:56):
you know water into wine wine, wine. Oh, Taylor, Taylor's
story has some alcohol on it too. That also saints
know what saints have butts okay wow, and so Taylor, Yeah,
(26:16):
take us down the rabbit hole of your story. Great, yeah,
I will um as you just said, we're talking about butts. Yea.
My excuse for my sucking at telling a story today
is that I'm busy at work. But when in doubt
talk about butts. Yeah. Absolutely. Also, you literally haven't even started.
(26:38):
You don't suck yet. Okay, I'll tell you. Yeah, I'll
tell you if it happens. Not yet, okay. Two thousand
and four. How are we feeling so far? Bush Presidency?
Email music, great, low rise sticks. It's like we're trying
to go back there now anyway, it really is, and
it's dressing me. I don't like that idea. But um
(27:00):
so there's this couple and they were in their forties
and fifties. Their names were what yeah, their names were
Michael and Tammy. No hate, but like Tammy is like
is like the name Karen, except for their thing is
that they just do some like crazy shit. Tammy is
a crazy crazy woman name. Um well that's like in
(27:21):
um uh Parks and Recreation. Yeah. Yeah, and his wives
name Tammy and they're all crazy. Yes, so good. I
need to rewatch that. Tammy is like a white trash
Karen maybe yeah, old Tam Tam. Um So anyway, Michael,
so we have Tammy so, and then we have Michael,
(27:42):
who was a bit of an alcoholic goops. Yeah, and
he was sickly, which made alcoholism a little bit tricky.
He had these ulcers and it also gave him really
bad heartburn. Also, when I was writing this, I had heartburn,
and I was like looking for Tom's so I could relate.
I was like, no alcohol for me, heartburn. Tam Tam
(28:04):
and the tom toms. Tam Tam and the tom toms
and Tam Tam also had some tomtoms. Um that was
jomb okay, seem sucking all right. Um So anyway, so
that was problematic because he had these ultrastuff he couldn't
really swallow. He was all they were. All the doctors
were also like, you probably shouldn't have alcohol. It's not
it's not great for you in your current condition. But
he was like, you know what I need, I need it.
(28:27):
But he was a trickster and found a different way
to consume alcohol. Um, and he thought he was gonna
outsmart the doctors. So what he did was he would
take alcoholic enemas, specifically of the sherry variety, Sherry and
his but yeah, I thought Tammy was in his but
not sherry. That's a good joke. I didn't think about
(28:50):
so an alcoholic enema. The youths like to call this
butt chucking or boofing. In my day, we would just
funnel beer or do you like keg stands? But okay, um,
your button, no through your mouth. So anyway, but if
you recall, you've seen a butt enema, a butt chugging, yeah,
(29:11):
at a frat party. At a frat party, It's it's disgusting.
I like, don't ever want to see that again ever
in my life. Okay, well it's really dangerous. So yeah, yeah,
I mean here tell you. Also, I'm really dumb and
I literally thought that like an alcoholic enema would just
be like a liquid advil or something that would just
(29:33):
like dissolve and then the alcohol would be there. I'm like,
really stupid, but really it I like looked it up
and it's literally like funneling through your bottom. Absolutely, that
is that is what I saw. It was a handstand,
it was a it was a leg spread open, it
was a it was a funnel. Yeah. So too, Literally,
like Nika just said, to have an alcoholic enema, you
(29:55):
just have a little funnel, a little tube, you know,
to do, just pick your poison and bottoms up literally bottom.
That's really funny, Taylor, thank you. But yeah, so I'm
not judging, but the sherry seems to be like a
very fancy booth and it's like why, I don't know,
Like you can't even taste it, right, which thank god,
because that would be really gross. That's nasty. But also
(30:18):
like he was an alcoholic. I think he needed it,
you know, I know that's what I'm saying. It's like,
but share it anyway. Whatever. But actually, so when Michael
was younger, his mom, like all of this makes sense
full circle. His mom would give him these enemas, and
he basically became addicted to these enemas, and so he
became very dependent on them. His mom gave him alcohol,
(30:38):
not alcohol like other enemas, but like why, I don't
really know. It was just like you're not feeling well, enema,
you know, like I havena tell me like enema. I
don't know. Oh so he Yeah, he became very dependent
on them. So it all kind of makes sense. But anyway,
this was a typical day, I guess in Michael's like, Kunney,
(31:01):
it's time for my sherry drops trial. Tammy does hurt.
So Tammy was helping him with the enemas this whole
time with the child obviously, but so yeah, some people
can do it on their own. But Tammy was old,
Tam Tammy, she was nice and she was happy to
administer his sherry enema. But unfortunately this would be the
(31:21):
last alcoholic enema he ever got. That means he died.
Oh oh. So the next day, Tam Tam found her
husband unresponsive. She calls nine to one one where he's
pronounced dead and the coroner had suspected that he had
about two bottles of alcohol. That's a lot. His blood
(31:43):
alcohol content was point four seven, which is like six
times the two drunk to drive limit. I couldn't find
exactly how much he was given, like how much of
this enema he was given. But here's the thing. When
you drink alcohol, there's like a lot of stuff that happens.
It goes through a lot of things, it gets filtered,
and it's the alcohol is gradually introduced into your bloodstream
(32:06):
and then so like when you have too much alcohol,
your body reacts by throwing up or passing out to
basically stop you from poisoning yourself. But with an enema.
With an alcoholic enema, that doesn't really happen. He goes
directly to your bloodstream, Like when it's taken, it's just
chilling in there, swirling around, going into your bloodstream. So
(32:29):
it's pretty easy to have too much. You don't realize
how much you've had before it's too late. So we
can only assume that that's what happened here. So Tammy
gets arrested. Oh no, tarrested because they're like, hello, he's dead,
what did what did you do? And like, and she
(32:49):
did say like, hey, he takes alcohol enemas, like that's
a thing that he does. I wasn't a hundred person
if she actually there. I saw where she like said
that she denied giving him the enema, but like sometimes
like she did, so I'm like kind of confused. I
think she did. But anyway, so she goes to jail
for a negligent homicide. She's then released on the thirty
(33:12):
thousand dollar bond, and then three years later they go
to trial. The trials then dismissed for lack of evidence.
So basically, the defense was making this comparison that like
if somebody has lung cancer and you buy them cigarettes.
Is that murder? So there's like no evidence found whether
she would like intentionally murder her husband, and like I
think something else. She also like burned his will, which
(33:36):
you're not supposed to do that, but like I guess
she did that to prove like I didn't want anything
out of this, like I loved him, he loved me,
like I was just doing what he wanted. And you
know me, I love a good quote. So here's what
old Tam Tam said. My husband told me he loved
me more than anything in the world except for God. Olwell,
(33:58):
I'm not ashamed of my husband because I loved him
and I supported him a thousand percent. Whatever he wanted
to do, that's the way he went out. And I'm
sure that's the way he wanted to go out because
he loved his enemas wow wow, oh my. So she
was like she was like, look, he died, he died
(34:20):
doing what he loved. I supported him, but I didn't
kill him. Shit happens, like it was a dangerous thing,
and we all knew that it was a dangerous thing.
But that was a risk I guess that he was
willing to take. So I just that last sentence like
he died doing what he loved and that was enemas.
(34:42):
My god. Yeah, wow, I mean some people, I mean
beyond and I don't know, Gabby, if you're gonna talk
about this later, but beyond the fact that it gets
you drunker faster, it's also like kind of an erotic
thing I guess for some people. So I don't know.
I guess, well, Taylor, thank you for that. Um, I
(35:03):
guess it's a good less Yeah, sherry was a specific
beverage that is interesting. But we'll be right back with
a little bit more about sticking things in your orifices. Okay,
b I b RB. Okay. Here we are at cadaver
Gal's um having a good ass time talking about, you know,
(35:27):
an enema of alcohol and your bottom. Um. Okay, so
you know, alcohol enemas, as Taylor is saying, they're a
real thing. People do them. There's all a large variety
of different types of cinemas too. And Taylor is also
telling us about how you know it's dangerous as heck,
because it means, you know, if it's going into your butt,
(35:47):
there isn't like a way to regurgitate the alcohol. You know,
you can't throw it up so like you will just
like be more susceptible to alcohol poisoning. But yeah, so
throwing up is let Okay, drinking is so cool. Okay,
but the butt is not the only orifice people have
put alcohol in before. Definitely not why Okay, they've surprised.
(36:07):
They've also you know, have you know, soaked tampons in
alcohol and stuck it in their cooters. Yeah wait, JK,
that's not a real thing. Okay, this is actually an
y Yeah, okay legend. I thought that. I don't. Wow,
I heard about that growing up, like in high school.
(36:28):
That's so weird. Yeah, this is the problem with the media.
Sometimes you hear a thing and then you're like, oh
my god, it must be real. It's like the show
this show where I like to do fearmongering. It's the
same thing. That's a lot of like fearmongering. Like maybe
a few times people have done this, but it was
not like the epidemic of suburban teens that like the
media was trying to make it seem like, or the
(36:48):
media wasn't trying. They would just like caught got caught
up in like the salaciousness and the dangerousness of this
idea that teens were doing this to get drunk, okay,
because basically, yeah, because I remember this was like in
twenty twelve, I think, like, but the earliest time this
was ever like report ordered it in like a newspaper,
was in like nineteen ninety nine. But there really just
(37:09):
isn't Like most of the stories, there's never an actual
specific case where this happened. And so basically what they
would say is that, you know, parents, they need to
watch out for their kids soaking tampons and alcohol and
sticking it in their vaginas because they want to get
drunk faster. They also want to like not smell like alcohol.
And they also thought that you know, if you got
(37:31):
drunk in this manner, you wouldn't when you were breathalyzed,
there wouldn't be any alcohol trace in your breath. But
all of this thing is like even those points that
they're trying to make in this lie are also like
none of that actually works, because like even if you
did get drunk off of like either butt chugging or
having like a tampon and your vagina soaked an alcohol,
(37:53):
you would still your breath would still smell because it's
still a way alcohol is expelled and also your breath.
You would when your breath, Liz, you would still still
in your Yeah, it's still in your bloodstream. So all
of that is silly, even the lines within the lie,
it's all stupid. Also another problem here's this is why
(38:14):
journalism is can be hilarious. I guess journalism in quotation marks.
But there's this one blogger who actually did an experiment
who was like, Okay, they're saying teams are doing this,
so let's try it out. Let's do it. And I
didn't take it upon myself try it out this time.
Good glad you made that. But she did a test
where she took some tampons and she'd put them in
(38:35):
vodka to see how much they absorbed. And it was
kind of like with a regular tampon it would be
like a third of a shot, so a third of
an ounce basically, but then you know, made with a
jumbo tampon, at most it would be like one point
five ounces, so kind of like your standard bar drink
or whatever. But the problem is, then here's the thing.
Once you like have a tampon that has liquid in it,
(38:56):
it's hard to put it up in there. We all
know that, you know, you're not going to do a
pre damned tampon up in there. No, So like when
you're even trying to put it in like that alcohol,
it's gonna like spill out of it because you're and
so the thing is like, even if you did do that,
like you're not even putting that much alcohol into your body. Okay,
So it's all silly. It doesn't make any sense. So
(39:19):
you wouldn't even really get drunk. So then it's kind
of like, well, how would you do it? Would you
have to like stick lots of tampons up in there?
And teens, teens, college kids, I don't think anyone's you know,
there's a level of discomfort that people do, I think
to have fun. But that's just like a lot of discomfort.
So it doesn't make any sense. Also, it's gonna hurt,
like ass like, it's gonna hurt so bad because especially
(39:41):
if you're doing it in liquor, you're putting now you know,
you're putting a liquor stingy thing into your very You know,
we should protect the vagina because it has all this
like you know, bacteria. It's a very delicate balance of
fluids and junk and so you've got to keep it
all good, and so if you put the alcohol, it
(40:02):
would just be really bad for you. But also it
hurt really bad. Yeah, it's weird. When I was in
high school, I remember everyone talking about this, but no
one ever, like, I don't know anyone who actually did it,
you know, yeah, because it's fake. I mean I think
it's someone's done that. I someone has done this. You know,
people have for sure stuck things and their vagina that
maybe shouldn't have been there, just like the butt. You know,
(40:25):
we've done we eat on cadiver gals have exposed some
of these problems of you know, like eels in the
butt like that. The eel in the butt was crazy.
That was one of the stories I've ever told. I
didn't like that one anyway. But this is kind of
also like the same thing with like tide pods, where
like it wasn't really a thing, but then it just
(40:47):
got blown out of proportion of like, yeah, I mean
tide pods, probably someone's eating them before, but it's not
like an epidemic. Yeah, tiods, do they look scrumptious? Yeah, yeah,
but like no one's gonna eat them. That's like when
you look like at rocks, like pretty rocks. You want
to put them in your mouth, but you're not gonna
do it because that's remember the bath salt salt? Yeah,
(41:09):
oh my gosh, yes, when that one guy, everyone thought
that he was like crazy quote unquote off bath salt
and then he turns out he had severe mental illness.
We also talked about that in the podcast We are
Exposed a Queens. Okay, wow, we know we literally thought
there was gonna be a zombie apocalypse, absolutely absolutely because
of bath salts. But no, I was scared to use
(41:30):
bath salts for like the longest time. You were afraid
we gonna eat them? No, oh my gosh. No, I
was just afraid they're gonna seep into my skin and
turn me into a zombie. Okay, yeah, so all I'm
trying to say, kids, Okay, if you're a teen who's
trying to get drunk, just do it the regular way
through your mouth hole. Okay, you don't need these other holes,
(41:53):
you know. Well, this has been another episode of cadaver gals. Um.
I hope you guys are gonna follow us so that
we can become saints, um and make sure you know,
we get that Okay, so we'll talk at you next week.
Mp RAMP. Cadaver Gals is a production of School of
(42:24):
Humans and iHeartRadio. It is hosted by Me, Gabby Watts,
Nika Duarte, and Taylor Church. You can follow us on
the internet at cadaver Gaws on Instagram and Twitter. You
can also like and subscribe on various apps or whatever.
And if you're going to leave a review, be nice
about it. And also stop worrying about medieval rats. They're fine.
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