October 27, 2021 • 47 mins
Founding Father and party boy Gouverneur Morris dies during a DIY procedure, and a Roman leader gets an appropriate punishment for being a greedy little goober.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:08):
School of Humans. Hello everyone, Welcome back to Cadaver Gals,
the podcast where we talk about death to cope with
our own mortality. I am Nika, your beautiful host, along
with Gabby. Oh um, excuse me, kind host? What kind
(00:29):
of host am I? No? I want a different adjective?
What am I? Smelly? Okay? Except and Taylor? I'm scared.
I'm scared he's stinky. Why you know, every would meet
my co host smelly and stinky and you're beautiful anyway? Um,
(00:54):
you know today Gabby will stinky smelly, I don't already forgot.
We'll tell us a disgusting story involving penises, and Taylor
is teaching us about Roman torture. As always, we do
have trigger warnings, including murder and war and slavery and
(01:16):
penises and disease. I think that's it. Yeah, there might
be some other stuff, but we'll say the trigger warning
after the fact as we usually do. My gosh, how
have we not gotten canceled Q Alligator Music because we're
not popular enough? It's true, Okatoki. Also, Gabby is right,
(01:51):
we are not popular enough to get canceled, and honestly,
I am grateful for that. Gabby since you're spewing words
of wisdom, do you want to tell us about something
that I am sure is going to be disgusting. Yeah, Gabby,
come and at you with either your alligator news or
just really disgusting weener related death. So here, I am
(02:13):
never to disappoint our cadaver pals. What I hate is that,
like I actually enjoy eating hot dogs, so when you
talk about a ween or disease death, it just it
really puts me off of hot dogs for a while.
Why should I call it penis problems instead? Actually I
do prefer that. Okay, Well, I have been thinking about
what we're I do think weener is the funniest to
(02:34):
refer to. But I will try to respect you at
she was respectful to us just now, calling a stinky
and smelly hey. But as I get older, I am
smelling weird. I'm already smelling like an old person, you know,
like you know, very specific kind of smell. I smell
like decay. I get to see Gabby later today for lunch,
(02:55):
and I'm gonna just hug you, and I'm gonna smell
you really hard and tell you if you smell bud um.
I mean, we'll think about our boundaries later. But okay,
so we're gonna be talking about literally in this bro's name.
His name is Governor Morris. That's just his first name
as governs, his first name as governor. Yeah, so my
(03:16):
name is now Mayor Watts. I'm going to be referred
to now or like city council member Watts's name, Yeah,
city council member low. Okay anyway, but yeah, Governor Morris,
he was one of the founding fathers, had no idea
and so you know, he was around doing that what
is that eighteenth century stuff? You know, he was the
(03:39):
dude who actually penned We the People. That was his work.
So he was a talented writer. Governor, well done. Governor. Yeah,
but it's looks it's not spelled like governor now, it
looks like governor. So I kind of think it's fun
to say his name is Governor Moore. Oh my gosh,
name is Morris. I'm goober. Anyway, So he was good
(04:02):
at talking, he was good at writing, you know, I
guess just like Himilton. Now, I was like with the
Hamilton music, they're always like, Hamilton, why do you write
as if you're running out of time? And I'm like
Hamilton wasn't the only one who was doing that shit.
And also Governor Morris he was also good at or
rating Okay, ten out of ten. He's just like Jesus,
the or rating part anyway, so's like Obama, just like
(04:23):
our Obama. And he was also of the Founding Fathers.
He was very much against slavery, so that's good for him,
but it might have also just been because he was like, hey,
I first see this in the future causing a big
crisis amongst our people. Hey, he was like, you know,
there's probably gonna be like a civil war in the future.
So yeah, but he also I mean he also said
(04:45):
it was you know, like in God's eyes, you know,
it's like greatly immoral too, like do you humanize other
people and just like take them from their land. So
I'm like, good job. Yeah, airhorns for Governor an okay, okay,
UM's yeah. But he also he was from like New York,
(05:07):
I mean, what was to become New York. And he
was actually responsible as well for like the grid like
structure because at first they're like, yeah, let's do like
circles streets, you know, curves not circle streets. But we're
like a European pattern. But he's like, nah, grids, grids know, right,
grids are in for a governor. But you know, the
(05:30):
reason I like talking about him is because he was
also a mega party boy. Yeah okay, like he was
a bit yeah airhorn airhorn anyway, Like you know, he
was a bit of a man whore, but like, you know,
a lovable man whore. He was, like he would bang
lots of ladies, and his type was other people's wives.
(05:51):
Oh yeah, and but but because other people's wives, they're
just like, damn, this governor is so like fun and
flirty and fun to be around. Let's banged. So like,
you know, he seemed like a good personality, Like he
wasn't like a man who you'll be like a gross toxic.
(06:12):
He was just like so fun. Okay, he was so fun.
I really I do love like good liked good horse.
I love good who men men horns, But it's hard
to find them because most of them aren't terrible. Then
(06:34):
there's some who are like genuinely just charming, like respect
women and like be fucking yeah. He see, he was
a great dude. Taylor, did you want to say something
to correct our usage of the term whore to describe people.
I just just know, Okay, great terrific anyway, But no
I am saying it as a compliment, you know. But
(06:54):
the thing is, sometimes, you know, sleeping with other people's
wives could get you in trouble sometimes. So one time
he was in Philadelphia and he was messing around with
this lady and according to this one historian, the lady's husband,
you know, discussed them or whatever, and then a chase
happened where like the husband was chasing Governor outside in
the streets. And then Governor he got hit by a
carriage and broke a lot of phones in one of
(07:17):
his legs, and then they had to amputate his leg. So, oh,
that's a true part. That's not something according to people.
Some people said he didn't have one of his legs.
One of his legs got amputated in a horsecarriage accident.
But whether or not it was escaping from you know,
the bedchamber of a previously engaged whom I don't know,
but you know, that could have been the thing was
(07:39):
this post We the People could have been like an
ongoing during We the People, I mean I understand we
the people. We the people be fucking other people's wives.
I get it. That's how the preamble to the Constitution starts.
I'm pretty sure. Yeah, I should have been there. I
should have been a founding father. Okay, like I think,
(08:00):
maybe is that the new daddy founding father? No, it
doesn't have the same ring now, okay, anyway, sorry, I'm
just talking to myself now. So but he did, he
did finally get married. He did settle down at the
age of fifty seven. Good for him, right, Um, he
married his housekeeper, Nancy. She was like in her early thirties,
and Nancy Nancy was fancy and that she the things
(08:23):
that she had in common with Governor was that she
also liked to fuck other people's husbands, specifically her sisters.
So she might have banged her sister's husband. And then
they had a baby together, and then the baby mysteriously died,
and then her sister's husband and her went on trial
for murdering the baby, but there wasn't enough evidence, so
then they were acquitted. And then yeah, it's just a
(08:48):
super late abortion abortion jokes, trigger warning. And then the husband,
her sister's husband, then mysteriously died after that, and they
suspected Nancy and her sister Judith her maybe doing that.
So she was a crazy girl. Nancy's a riot, you know.
(09:09):
Sometimes you go from murderer to housekeeping too, founding father's wife.
You know, it's just sort of a pipeline. You ever
met a hinged Nancy? They're all unhinged and I love them. Yeah, yeah,
I know a lot of Nancy's, do you really? I
hope not, but but I think, yeah, it'd be a
secret Nancy. You know, maybe maybe one of us is
(09:31):
a secret Nancy. Oh my money's on Nika. Oh yeah, same.
I thought of you, Taylor. I think you're a secret Nancy.
Oh I get okay, I've been swayed based saying that
just now anyway, So Nancy, So that was fun, you know.
And the whole reason I'm doing this is because I
(09:51):
love exposition. And really the point I'm trying to make
is a lot of his life seems to have centered
around his penis. Penis, Okay, not his waener, his penis.
And actually John Jay, who was another founding father, at
one point he was like, hey, you know when he
was like in that carriage accident, it might have actually
been better if he lost something else, meaning alluding to
(10:14):
his he maybe should have lost his wiener because maybe
he would have had more attention to detail in his life.
Eighteenth century insults. I love they were. They were just
as crazy as we are today. Truly, I really do
love getting into history because it's like people were fucking
birth control was not as widely available, so they were
just throwing babies away. Like it was crazy. He was
(10:35):
a crazy time. Yeah, dying earlier crazy. Yeah, the time
before it was crazy. You know, as we've also established
on cadavergaws in the past, people were dying in the past.
Well little known fact. Okay, it's still be dying. So
basically his penis is gonna he caused him a lot
of problems in his life, and you're gonna see that's
going to cause him a lot of problems at the
(10:56):
end of his life, Okay, because like he also another
big thing in his life as he went to France.
He had lots of mistresses in France. For example, one
time he was in the Loop, which at the time
was just you know, King Louis Castle that he lived in,
and this one time there is this woman who was
married obviously, and they were kind of having an affair,
(11:17):
and he wrote down in his journal Governor did He said, Yeah,
we were at the Louver and we were celebrating me
and this woman. But oh that's so yeah, but that's
what that's his euphemism for, like banging was celebrating. But
the way they celebrated this one time in his journal entry,
it was in like one of the hallways of the
(11:38):
Louver during a party, while harpsichord was playing in the distance,
while this woman's husband was in the next room, and
all the doors were open and they were expecting people
to walk in. I, Governor, I shake at the like
the thought of this, like this is just every dream
of mine, and I'm mad. I'm angered that that that
(11:58):
cannot happen to me anymore. I love this so bad.
I love that. Like people are walking around the Louver now,
you know, to see like modern art, and there was
this right Governor just banging away at other celebrating. He
was celebrating your right, Yeah, celebrating. Yeah, celebrate everyone this weekend.
Have fun. Um. The next time I'm going to go
(12:20):
to the Louver, I'm gonna do a seance and ask
Governor to fuck me in the whole way. Okay, I'm
not I can. I would not be able to take
someone seriously if their name was governor. That's like the
equivalent of like having sex with someone called Elmo. Would
you rather celebrating with Elmo? Or governor obviously or city
(12:43):
council member? Me? Okay? But yeah, when he was in France,
he was there during the French Revolution or whatever, and
he was kind of against the revolution, I think because
he mostly he saw like the liberals who were like
kind of being a little bar He didn't like their barbarism,
you know, because they would go and kill the aristocrats
and then like put their like heads on spikes and
(13:04):
like walk aroun round and stuff. And I think Governor
was like, m yucky, I don't like that, you know.
After that was all going on and like the king,
you know, he got deposed and all that shit, Governor
he scaddled from France. But one fun thing is since
he knew the king, he didn't necessarily help the king,
you know, escape or anything. But he did go back
(13:25):
to the king's castle and like took some of his
furniture home with him too. The US, you know, just
that's nice. You know, your friend's been captured and you're
just like, hey, I'll just take your furniture, you know,
fun keeping. He's keeping it warm. Yeah, it was keeping
it safe, not just to like be like this would
look good in my living room. So obviously he used
(13:47):
his Wiener. Sorry, I'm gonna say weener again for mini bangs.
The thing is his his wiener. Also, this is gonna
be terrible sentence because I wrote it and I like it.
But his wiener often would get a little clogged. Oh yeah,
not a cute image. Nika is forming opinions about my character.
(14:11):
I don't I don't like what you just put into
my brain. I don't like it. Well, it would okay,
like you know, it's hot stuff. Like you know, his
ureth would get blocked and he couldn't urinate um. And
like back in the day they did have you like
because of STD. Well, what they're thinking is he might
have also had like prostate cancer, like but you know,
(14:34):
they didn't really have that diagnosis back then, so they're
thinking he just had some junk problems, junk with his junk.
And back in the day they did have like catheters,
and like even like Benjamin Franklin, he had like developed
like a catheter, and you know, so like those tools existed. Um,
can you tell listeners like me who don't know what
a catheter is what a catheter is? Well, that's a
(14:55):
great question. It's a thing you stick in your wee
wee to you know, you know, get things in and
out of your penis whole. Okay, like the whole where
the he goes through. Yeah, yeah, but you stick that
inside of the penis. You get a catheter. If you're
like sick or whatever and you're at the hospital and
you're laying in bed and you can't get up to
(15:16):
go to the bathroom, they give you a catheter and
they empty your bladder. Does that not hurt? Oh? I'm
sure must hurt. It must hurt. Yeah, it goes into
your yeah, your bladder. So it can help you like
pee if you like can't do it and stuff. So
and anyway, so those existed, but apparently he tended to
(15:36):
kind of make his own catheters, you know, because sometimes
it's like inconvenient to get a good one from like
your friend Benjamin Franklin down the road. You sometimes don't
have time. You just you got a pepee, right then,
So one of his friends wrote down that one time
he had witnessed or our governor had told him that
when he was having this like peeing issue inability to
(15:58):
pee at one time, he used a flexible piece of
hickory to unclog it, just like stuck that right up there.
Shut your mouth. Also, I like how his friend was
just like tweeting about I know. I mean if my
friends told me that something this unhinged, I probably would, yeah,
like not naming names, but not any names, but governor
(16:21):
it rhymes with puvener porous. And but then another day,
here's the thing. He got another blockage, and he was like, well,
what was it? The stick? No, this was okay. So
the stick oh oh splendors in the urethra. Oh no,
oh no, that sounds like that sounds like a post
(16:42):
rock band honestly, But um no, the hickory thing seemed
to have work, So maybe that had encouraged him to
like be like, hey, I could stick random tools up here. Maybe.
But later in eighteen sixteen, he had another sort of
clogged situation. He did try other homeopathic meth's to like, dude,
(17:06):
so just know that he was kind of like, hey,
maybe it's not the best idea of stick random things
in my wee wie. So he did try other methods
to try make it work. But then what happened is
they think that maybe from his wife Nancy, remember Nancy
Craig Craig crazy Nancy, um she you know, she was
wearing a corset, and they're thinking maybe Governor was like, hey,
(17:30):
can I have one of the whale bones that they
used to make the core sets? Right, so you know,
just break I mean also rude taking your wife's like
stuff and like breaking it. Oh, that's kind of rude.
But he did take maybe a whalebone from the corset
and then he was like, this is what I will
stick into my benus. Okay, so he did it to
(17:53):
to unclog it. I am horrified. I just it must
have been so crusty, oh, Nica, I mean also think
about this though the whole time. Yeah, Nika, great job
stooping to my level. He must have also had to
peace so bad, you know, because like he wasn't able
to pee for a long time. So imagine does lots
(18:15):
of discomfort Jess quickly, you know the links I go
for using the bathroom, you know, can you imagine what
he's going through right, yeah, yeah, right. Anyway, so the unfortunately,
he did seriously injure himself while he was doing this,
you know, maybe poke some holes in their urethread that
(18:36):
wouldn't get healed, and he got a big old penis
infection and he died a couple of days later on
November sixth, eighteen sixteen. And so a word to the wise,
if you got a pea, don't use a whale bone
so much. Drink some cranberry je wow. Yeah, have some juice.
(18:58):
Juice yeah, um, that was a lot. That was a lot. Also,
juice will just make you pee more so juice yeah.
Maybe exercise and like sweated all out. I mean, I
don't know what the alternative is. But thank you for that, Gabby.
That was disgusting. You're welcome. Just the like the pluggedness,
(19:20):
the plugged in nature of it just really clogged, clogged,
just really got to me. What if he had used like,
you know, like a toilet, like a plunger, a penis
plunger now available on cadaver gals dot com, slash merchandium.
We will be right back, Welcome back, welcome back. I
(19:45):
hope everyone has erased that image from their memories and
mind what the clogged penis? No? Okay? Um, God bless America.
He was a founding father. I love that, Gabby, you
are smelly. Okay, so um that was a terrible sound. Welcome,
(20:05):
welcome back, hello everyone. Yes, So the catheter, the DIY
catheter that he made was made of whalebone, which Okay,
to be completely honest, I'm not judging him too hard
because people have put weirdest stuff into their bodies and
not just for relief but for pleasure. So I'm not
worried about him really that much or judging I have.
(20:28):
I'm not gonna keep talking because I'm gonna expose myself.
Um anyway, but it was used as whalebone, which is cool.
And where does the whalebone come from? A whale let
a tangent, and I started looking up like how whales
have been used in medicine and medicinal practices and I'm
(20:49):
excited to dive into right now. Um, no one's loving it,
thank you. Also, there are a gold medalist in the
Olympics of the diving section to be a big dive board.
Can you imagine to get a whale that would be
a big diving board? You know, what is nature's diving
(21:11):
board is is sand, and sometimes sometimes whales try to
dive out of the sand but never return and that's sad,
and so they get beach thank you. Oh yeah, we're
getting somewhere. So so beached whales happen. It's a thing.
It's really sad and smelly and disturbing, but it happens
(21:36):
all the time. And apparently this guy in Australia in
the eighteen y'all in outline I wrote the eighteen nineties
in the eighteen eighteen ninety six, he was a very silly,
fun guy, kind of like Nancy, and he saw this
dead whale on the beach and you know, being the
(21:56):
silly I mean, what would Nancy do? What would Nancy do?
Nancy would jump into the whale carcass. So that's what
he did. Like, yeah, apparently he was drunk. That's not
the first thing I would do if I saw a
beached whale. But maybe I'm just not as fond as him,
you know, yeah, because they do that like exploding thing,
because they're when they're real gassy and stuff, and so
that seems dangerous to be around a whale. It does
(22:18):
seem dangerous, right, but he said danger's my middle name
and ran up in there. So his friends were like,
he's a goner. She's all very nice friends and serves
him right, you know, because he's drunk and he's getting
inside the whale and so they leave him being which
is not very good. He actually emerged from the whale
(22:41):
hours later, sober and with powers like Spider Man. Kidding.
He was cured of his roma to arthritis. Same thing,
kind of what I know, crazy? So wait, sorry, I'm
I'm stuck thinking about whale man. Now that's my next
pitch at my job. So I'm thinking, like you're in
(23:04):
there and then you so over up inside of a
whale and you're like what am I doing? Right? Where
am I? And then you just pop out and you're like, oh,
my arthritis has gone. He seemed to be like a
really silly, fun guy, so this was relatively normal for him.
I mean, I Australia's crazy. I'll know that he's always
getting into antics exactly, so Nanny it was cured of
(23:28):
his arthritis. He had been suffering from arthritis and constant
pain for a long time, and something about cannoodling inside
of the whale made the pain go away. He was overjoyed.
And it's actually interesting because this was not the first time.
I mean, this was the first time that a white
man did it, which is why it is seen as
(23:50):
the first time quote unquote recorded that this has been done.
But actually, Aboriginal people in that region in Australia, which
is called Twofold Bay, used whale parts for a variety
of rituals and medicines before they were colonized, and they
would use every part of a beached whale. So they
would use bones like to make shelters, not to make
corsets or terrible catheters. And they would eat like the
(24:13):
beached whale flush, and they would use the flesh to
make oils and medicines. And they would actually use the
arthritis cure too. So, silly guy, you did not discover this,
but according to white people, you did, so okay, So
a whale cure of arthritis, what the heck? Well, what
they would do is after the meat m blubber was removed,
they would get into the carcass and slather on whale
(24:35):
fat all over the bodies. And it seems like whale
fat is full of healthy omega three fats as well
as like anti inflammatory property things, so that helped lessen
the pain of disease like arthritis and lupus and like
other joint inflammatory things. Basic testing crazy, So it ended
up becoming like a tourist attraction after this white guy
(24:58):
did it, and this like small baytown area became this
whale kind of like in the way where Turkish baths
were a thing, or like going to I don't know,
certain places where like the like people would go to
Egypt for example, on like health vacation just because it
was nice and dry and hot from England or whatever.
(25:21):
That the town of Twofold Bay kind of became that,
but with whale carcasses specifically for like arthritis people. So
um business owners would charge people from all over the
world who had come to their town to sit in
whale carcasses, and patients would sit in the whale, in
the whale fat specifically for twenty to thirty hours and
(25:42):
come out feeling better and reported feeling no arthritis pain
for at least a year. Now, I mean, I mean,
thank god, I have never experienced athritis pain, so I
don't know how terrible it is, but would you sit
in twenty to thirty hours of whale fat just like
to not be in pain for a year. So like, yes,
I feel like people would do that. You did. I
have played your fasciitis right now, and I would definitely
(26:05):
my foot in some whale right now. It's driving me crazy,
even if it was just for a year. Yes, I
also don't know what plan is. But I'm sorry, Taylor.
Does that mean you a bardy feet? No, it just
means I have a hurdy foot o. Sorry, So you
shouldn't be stinky, you should be hurt, footy or hurdy.
(26:29):
I mean, I don't know if I would want to
sit in a whale that long, but also chronic pain
be a bit so maybe. Yeah. Well it became very popular,
as we know, the problem is that they did smell
really bad at least a week, like for an entire
week after the treatment. So and then I found a
quote from a newspaper in nineteen to two that kind
(26:51):
of reported on the miracle cure and took us through
like the entire process. Do you want me to read it? Yes,
I need to know this information, thank you. So it says, okay,
when a whale is killed and towed, toad, toad ashore. Sorry,
and while the interior of the carcass still retains a
little warmth. A hole is cut through one side of
(27:13):
the body sufficiently large to admit the patient. So the
lower part of whose body from the feet to the
loins should sink in the whales intestine, leaving the head,
of course outside the aperture. The latter is closed up
as closely as possible, soaked up, and otherwise the patients
would not be able to breathe through the volume of
(27:35):
anemoniacal gases which would escape from every opening if left uncovered. Yeah,
so the gases would just penetrate the skin basically and
heal these people. The whaling industry sadly diminished. Well, I
am not sadly. Actually, it's a good thing that it
did in the twentieth century and people stopped going to
the town for the cure. But you know, important part
(27:57):
of information today, CBD exists now, which can be really
helpful for pain and people smell less bad. So um.
On another note, have you heard of ambergris? No, I
don't know what that is. It's whale vomit and it
is like super rare and people like mind for it
and it is it's like kind of stinky, but it's
(28:19):
actually used and like a lot of perfumes. Oh, it
actually like smells kind of weird. But then like if
you really like start to break it down, it like
smells really good. Is that? Wait? Would it be one
whale per person or would the whale be use time
and time again? Because that seems like a lot of whales. Well,
(28:40):
it also depends on the whale. It's whale vomits. So
I think you have to find the ballomic ones you know.
Oh no, I see what the treat meant. Oh no,
multiple people would go inside the whale. Okay, so you
could lie, you could do a whale soak with a
buddy maybe, yes, Okay, yes, that might be Okay, that's
actually an experience on Airbnb. The you can I'm kidding o. Yeah,
(29:04):
And then you could set your phone up in front
of you with your head just above the whale. You
can watch there you go, There you go, Taylor Hurdie Hurdie, Taylor, Yeah,
I would like to move past the whale conversation. Okay,
do you think you could do that for us? Definitely?
I'll take you backaways again as I like to do
(29:28):
to the Roman Republic where Marcus Licinious Crassis m Sadie
goat me and I both got excited about this name.
We're gonna love this. Then at first, um he was
one of the first there were two triumvirates, and he
(29:49):
was one of the three of the first triumvirate along
with Pompey the Great and Julius Caesar. Question, what's a
triumpher it? So it is basically like a government, but
like this was kind of like a secret, Like it
was a secret at first. So it was like a
secret like alliance of like, hey, we're going to like
(30:10):
run this town. I guess I don't really know. That's
it was the ruling party and it had to be
three people because it was triumph for it. But it
was like a secret. They these guys that there was
only two um and these guys were like, let's keep
it on the DL at first. But anyway, so Crassis,
he was actually thought to be one of the wealthiest
(30:32):
men at the time. Jeff Bezos like an ass, Yeah,
well how did he get this wealth? You ask? He
would say he would m he would buy these burned
like these burned rundown buildings for super cheap and obviously
he would hire well, I don't think you can say
higher when he forced five hundred people aka slaves to
(30:54):
rebuild the building. But he was like very specific about
who his slaves were going to be. He wanted to
be sure that they had like an architecture background and everything.
So so he's like a landlord, like one of those
fixed or upper people. Gentrifi Er fixed her upper people, right,
but like that's how he made it, but using slaves
to rebuild, right, and so and this time there was
(31:15):
a slave revolt. Remember Spartacus, he was involved with one
of the Wards wars that where the slaves revolted and
Crassis was a part of this and he stopped the
revolt and he was like praised for that. There were
like great slaves, can't you know rise up great? Everybody
was like thanks, good job on that. Um yeah, he's
(31:38):
less daddy now like big. At first you're like okay,
and then you're like we're like old man. It gets worse, so, um,
you know, this read led to more revolts and stuff,
and so he would always go and you know, be
in the war on that, leading the wars on that,
(31:58):
but against the revolt. Yes, okay, and so at some
point it's like, oh, that's enough war for me. I'm
like I'm doing okay, Like I have like all of
this money and like all this stuff. So I'm fine,
I'm just gonna sit here and chill with Caesar and Pompey. Finally. Yeah,
So twenty years go by and he's like, just kidding,
I need more wealth. So he's like, who could I
(32:22):
go to war with? I don't really know, like, let's
pick somebody random. Like I imagine he just like swirled
his finger on a map and it's like, m here,
kind of like when you like U turn a globe
and you put your finger and you're like, that's where
I'm gonna go. Yeah, that's exactly what I imagined he did.
But he just had a map because back then the
Earth was flat, Yeah, exactly, and then it got a
(32:44):
circle later. Yeah, it's still flat, right, No, the lizards
came from space and then they made it a globe. Okay, yeah,
I know. Okay, So he decides Ptarthian Empire. You you're
going down this, by the way, is like modern day
Turkey in Syria. He's like, I gonna get more buildings
(33:05):
so I can get more slaves to rebuild, and then
I can sell and make all this money and be richer.
It's just like make a mixed use developments all across
like the neariest love that for him. Yeah, So Pompey
and Sees are like, Bro, don't do this, it's not necessary.
They've done nothing wrong, like stay bro, Yeah totally. They
were like, no, don't go, like he didn't have any
(33:27):
of the support. But he's like, no, I'm gonna do
it anyway. I'm gonna give me some soldiers and just go.
So they're like, fine, dude, like do do you do you?
But like I don't support you. So he's like, okay,
I'm gonna bring my son. Then Publius, Are you kidding me? No,
(33:49):
it's fall It's spelled p u b l i u
s Publius Hublius. Yeah, Hubais. I'm gonna say publius, okay,
because that's almost worse than clogged waners to pistle. Really
sounds like the bottom of the turkey's net. That's okay.
(34:12):
So so he's like, Publis, get in the van. We're going,
y'all is gonna haunt us. Actually, y'all, pupas is gonna hunt, y'all,
I have respect so you don't. So anyway, um they
split up into like three teams. They're on their way,
(34:33):
they're in their little formation and they're like, we're gonna
go until we just find the Parthians. Um. So along
the way there's this um Arab chieftain who was buddies
with POMPEII, and he's like, yo, can you go around
this river like just like be respectful? And he's like yeah, okay,
Like he was like, oh, I'm buddies with Pompei, so
like you know, and so he says, okay, fine, we'll
(34:55):
go do that. But he apparently had made a deal
with the Parthians to make them go around the river
so that the the part Athians could have more time to
prepare and then catch them off guard. Oh dang, some
double crossing love that. So the Parthians in this little
(35:17):
tricky thing where they also they were camouflage, so they
were like wearing animal hides over their armor to disguise
their numbers, and then war starts happening. Romans aren't doing
so hot because they were caught off guard, despite though
the Parthians had fewer numbers, but the Romans not doing
(35:38):
so hot. So you guys, this is my favorite part.
The Parthians they're like, they appear to retreat, they start
like heading the other way. So the Romans are like yeah,
and they chase them and they're like gur. But the
Parthians are very skilled horseback riders, so okay, oh boy it.
So they're riding away and they turn and they're like
(36:02):
shooting back at them with their arrows and stuff. That's
hot hot. Yeah. So they're riding their horses going like
that's that takes some skill, some balance or do you
think you could do that? You probably used to could have,
but I also don't know how to shoot an arrow.
So okay, baby steps. They probably all had abs, definitely,
(36:23):
they probably did shredd dead dah thirsty. So so, long
story short, most of the Romans die, including Crassus's son,
Publius Publius, which made Crassis really sad. He was so sad.
(36:43):
He was like, my boy, that's what happens when you
get all like you know, wealth hoarding at Jeff Bezos,
do you want your you know, your son with grimes?
Oh my gosh, that's not that's not Bezos, that's someone else. Okay, whatever.
So a very important lesson for all the wealthy people
that listen to us. Yeah, oh just wait, we'll have
(37:06):
a strong lesson for them in a minute. So the
Parthians are like, okay, let's reach a truce. Your son.
You're sad your son has died, but I'm gonna need
you to come over here so you can sign these
papers as this truce. And he's like, fine, whatever, I'm
just like sad. And so he said fine whatever, I said,
(37:29):
I will do whatever you want. And so he gets
there and the Parthians are like, look, you're way too greedy.
You're like, way, way, way, way way too greedy. You
want some gold? Is that what you want? Will give
you some gold. So they melt a bunch of gold
and pour it down his throat. Oh no hidden meaning here.
(37:52):
They're like, oh, you're obsessed with gold. Here you go,
you tiny little gold guzzler, and um, you can guess
what happened. He expired make him more powerful. No, the
the the idea here is this unquenchable thirst for wealth
(38:14):
that they would stop with basically drowning them, suffocating them
with wow, melted gold. So after this, that's cool, that's
like almost like two specific. You know, it was like
two like on the nose if you remember it, Like Thrones,
Denarius's brother died a similar way. They would just poured
(38:39):
it on his head. He was like, I want my crown,
I want my crown, and there like, oh, you want
a crown, I'll give you a crown, And they sure did.
They put a They put melted gold on top of
his head. High. Yes, I killed him. Yes. So anyway,
(38:59):
after his death, the Triumvirate is no longer a try
it's a duo variant. So Caesar and Pompey they begin arguing,
and you guys, this is the end of the Roman Republic,
and yet another war ensues. A Roman Civil War happens,
(39:22):
thus the birth of the Roman Empire. What wow, Because
this man was so greedy, I'm sure this was the
only reason why that happened. I was so confused. I
was like, wait, Roman Empire, Roman Republic. I learned so
much when I was looking at all this, But interestingly,
I was like I came across another like like another
(39:46):
couple of people that died in the same way, but
like there it took a lot of researching to like
actually find a story that was like long enough. But
looking this up the internetters are like, okay, but like
what actually killed him? They're like, but how did he
actually die? Did his organs exploded? He suffocate? Like what
happened in Scientists are like, don't you worry. We got you.
(40:09):
We're gonna get to the bottom of this. So they're like,
let's go to a cow slaughterhouse and they're like, hmm,
excuse me, maybe please have a bovine larynx, and like,
oh my gosh, he has. Of course, here you go.
So side note, the animal was not killed for this purpose.
They were just utilizing it for science. They were being
slaughtered for a well hamburgers, so right, so they get
(40:32):
you more honorable than yeah, rightlience. So they get a lee,
melt some gold, plug up the hampering on, plug in
again at the end of the larynx, and pour molten
metal into the into the tube, put tissue on top,
and from there they determine that it was the steam
that killed the victims. So the steam from the medal
(40:55):
like comes up and just like kills you the end.
That makes sense. That makes sense. Every rich person who
is adding to climate change by just caring about their
own wealth needs molten gold poured into their larynxes or
just like around them, so they get like the idea
(41:15):
and then yeah, that's pretty barbara. Um no, no, yeah,
my adjective isn't barbaric, Taylor, it's beautiful. But I appreciate
that you stayed with the bee. I love the sentiment though,
It's fine. My my true core adjective is really just bitch. No,
(41:36):
we need to like inject them with bitcoin. Uh yeah, anyway,
thanks Taylor for that. Um yeah, people were doing that
back then. And we're going to talk more about executions
when we come back. Thank you, Thank you Tayla for
(41:57):
giving us that. How fun, how fun? And also you
mentioned some of my favorite subjects, which are precious metals
and slash execution methods and Publius silly names. I just yeah,
Publius is a great name. Wow, I'm gonna name my
next cat Publius. So I have one ancient Roman execution
(42:19):
method that I want to talk about and highlight today
because you know, they had so many torture methods and
execution methods, but this one's stuck out for me. I've
been watching squid game. Has anyone been watching squid Game? Yes? Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes,
don't you finish it? Finished it? No, Taylor, No, Gabby? Oh, okay,
(42:40):
you spoil it if I'm not gonna know it for you,
I'm not gonna spoil it for you. Lots of twists
and turns ahead. Where are you guys though? Like episode
three four, I've seen the first three episodes. Okay, I'm
out there too. Okay, Well, so y'all know basically what happens.
It's a contest and you have to kill your friends
(43:02):
and stuff because of capitalism. Y'all know, y'all already know.
I don't want to hear it to kill your friends, well,
I mean, if you do all, yeah, with fellow humans,
fellow people. So there's just something about a situation where
you turn on your friends like that. Just to me,
it sounds kind of extra horrifying for your own survival.
(43:23):
Lord of the Flies was actually my favorite book for
a very long time growing up, So that should tell
you something about myself and the ancient Romans. They understood
the horror of putting people in these kinds of predicaments.
They were they were smart like that, and they had
an execution method called decimation, and this was like a
large masses execution situation. You know, you're a Roman general.
(43:46):
You have captured an army of hundreds, let's say, and
you need an efficient way of executing the people of
this army. Right, you can't do it one by one.
That's too much work, too much manpower. You know, what
do you do? What do you do? Well? This is
when decimation comes in. So what you do is you
separate the army of men into groups of ten, and
(44:07):
then you have them draw lots, which was usually like
straws or sticks, and whoever has the shortest straw in
the group of ten gets killed by his nine other friends,
whoa yeah wow. So usually the friends have to kill
their comrade by stoning or clubbing or stabbing their front
to death. And this to me is just like insane
(44:28):
psychological torture and can really break a friendship apart. Yeah yeah,
when you have to group together murder one of your
other friends, don't you hate it when that happens. M
Alexander the Great was recorded doing it to an army
of six thousand men that he captured. And actually the
earliest recording of decimation was in four hundred and seventy
one BC when Rome was battling an independent tribe that
(44:52):
lived in the hilly areas near them. Yeah, right, they
lived near the hilly area in the mountain area exactly.
And and some of Rome's own army actually deserted the battle,
so the deserters were captured and centurions, which had like
a higher rank than the average soldier in an army,
(45:14):
they were beheaded. But for the rest of the foot soldiers,
they went through decimation, and then the guys who survived
were taken as like prisoners, like slave prisoners basically, and
you've made to work so wow, yeah, because it's like
you're not even killing everybody, so you're just making them
like feel bad, but you're breaking them, you know, psychologically. Yeah.
(45:38):
Also makes drawing straws a much more sinister activity, absolutely absolutely, So,
you know, people have been fucked up since the beginning
of time. What can I say now we're watching a
Netflix show about it. Publius. Sorry, okay, Yeah, the best
(46:04):
thing that came out of today's episode is publius. The
word will stick with me engraved in my heart. Gabby,
that's not necessary. I'm gonna listen right now. How to
pronounce publius. It's probably like pah blah blahs, Publius Publius. Okay,
well I like Publios, so okay, Well, sometimes people do
(46:27):
comment on our mispronunciations, so we just want you guys
to know that we're self aware about it, that we know.
But Publius, I'm Publius as much funny, more funny than Publius.
Are you kidding me? Publius? That does nothing for me?
Publi does everything for me. Gives me baby plankton from SpongeBob,
Square of Hands vibes. Yeah, it's cute, it's a little
(46:49):
nast I love it. Publius. What no thanks? Okay, well
we'll leave all of you by chanting Publius twice. Thank
you so much for listening. One, two, three guys, Publius, Publius,
Bye Gal. Cadaver Gals is a production of School of
(47:20):
Humans and iHeartRadio. It is produced research et cetera by
Gabby Watts, Taylor Church, and Nika Duae. You can follow
us online at Cadaver Gals g A l S. Thank
you for listening, Hublius
School of Humans. Hello everyone, Welcome back to Cadaver Gals,
the podcast where we talk about death to cope with
our own mortality. I am Nika, your beautiful host, along
with Gabby. Oh um, excuse me, kind host? What kind
(00:29):
of host am I? No? I want a different adjective?
What am I? Smelly? Okay? Except and Taylor? I'm scared.
I'm scared he's stinky. Why you know, every would meet
my co host smelly and stinky and you're beautiful anyway? Um,
(00:54):
you know today Gabby will stinky smelly, I don't already forgot.
We'll tell us a disgusting story involving penises, and Taylor
is teaching us about Roman torture. As always, we do
have trigger warnings, including murder and war and slavery and
(01:16):
penises and disease. I think that's it. Yeah, there might
be some other stuff, but we'll say the trigger warning
after the fact as we usually do. My gosh, how
have we not gotten canceled Q Alligator Music because we're
not popular enough? It's true, Okatoki. Also, Gabby is right,
(01:51):
we are not popular enough to get canceled, and honestly,
I am grateful for that. Gabby since you're spewing words
of wisdom, do you want to tell us about something
that I am sure is going to be disgusting. Yeah, Gabby,
come and at you with either your alligator news or
just really disgusting weener related death. So here, I am
(02:13):
never to disappoint our cadaver pals. What I hate is that,
like I actually enjoy eating hot dogs, so when you
talk about a ween or disease death, it just it
really puts me off of hot dogs for a while.
Why should I call it penis problems instead? Actually I
do prefer that. Okay, Well, I have been thinking about
what we're I do think weener is the funniest to
(02:34):
refer to. But I will try to respect you at
she was respectful to us just now, calling a stinky
and smelly hey. But as I get older, I am
smelling weird. I'm already smelling like an old person, you know,
like you know, very specific kind of smell. I smell
like decay. I get to see Gabby later today for lunch,
(02:55):
and I'm gonna just hug you, and I'm gonna smell
you really hard and tell you if you smell bud um.
I mean, we'll think about our boundaries later. But okay,
so we're gonna be talking about literally in this bro's name.
His name is Governor Morris. That's just his first name
as governs, his first name as governor. Yeah, so my
(03:16):
name is now Mayor Watts. I'm going to be referred
to now or like city council member Watts's name, Yeah,
city council member low. Okay anyway, but yeah, Governor Morris,
he was one of the founding fathers, had no idea
and so you know, he was around doing that what
is that eighteenth century stuff? You know, he was the
(03:39):
dude who actually penned We the People. That was his work.
So he was a talented writer. Governor, well done. Governor. Yeah,
but it's looks it's not spelled like governor now, it
looks like governor. So I kind of think it's fun
to say his name is Governor Moore. Oh my gosh,
name is Morris. I'm goober. Anyway, So he was good
(04:02):
at talking, he was good at writing, you know, I
guess just like Himilton. Now, I was like with the
Hamilton music, they're always like, Hamilton, why do you write
as if you're running out of time? And I'm like
Hamilton wasn't the only one who was doing that shit.
And also Governor Morris he was also good at or
rating Okay, ten out of ten. He's just like Jesus,
the or rating part anyway, so's like Obama, just like
(04:23):
our Obama. And he was also of the Founding Fathers.
He was very much against slavery, so that's good for him,
but it might have also just been because he was like, hey,
I first see this in the future causing a big
crisis amongst our people. Hey, he was like, you know,
there's probably gonna be like a civil war in the future.
So yeah, but he also I mean he also said
(04:45):
it was you know, like in God's eyes, you know,
it's like greatly immoral too, like do you humanize other
people and just like take them from their land. So
I'm like, good job. Yeah, airhorns for Governor an okay, okay,
UM's yeah. But he also he was from like New York,
(05:07):
I mean, what was to become New York. And he
was actually responsible as well for like the grid like
structure because at first they're like, yeah, let's do like
circles streets, you know, curves not circle streets. But we're
like a European pattern. But he's like, nah, grids, grids know, right,
grids are in for a governor. But you know, the
(05:30):
reason I like talking about him is because he was
also a mega party boy. Yeah okay, like he was
a bit yeah airhorn airhorn anyway, Like you know, he
was a bit of a man whore, but like, you know,
a lovable man whore. He was, like he would bang
lots of ladies, and his type was other people's wives.
(05:51):
Oh yeah, and but but because other people's wives, they're
just like, damn, this governor is so like fun and
flirty and fun to be around. Let's banged. So like,
you know, he seemed like a good personality, Like he
wasn't like a man who you'll be like a gross toxic.
(06:12):
He was just like so fun. Okay, he was so fun.
I really I do love like good liked good horse.
I love good who men men horns, But it's hard
to find them because most of them aren't terrible. Then
(06:34):
there's some who are like genuinely just charming, like respect
women and like be fucking yeah. He see, he was
a great dude. Taylor, did you want to say something
to correct our usage of the term whore to describe people.
I just just know, Okay, great terrific anyway, But no
I am saying it as a compliment, you know. But
(06:54):
the thing is, sometimes, you know, sleeping with other people's
wives could get you in trouble sometimes. So one time
he was in Philadelphia and he was messing around with
this lady and according to this one historian, the lady's husband,
you know, discussed them or whatever, and then a chase
happened where like the husband was chasing Governor outside in
the streets. And then Governor he got hit by a
carriage and broke a lot of phones in one of
(07:17):
his legs, and then they had to amputate his leg. So, oh,
that's a true part. That's not something according to people.
Some people said he didn't have one of his legs.
One of his legs got amputated in a horsecarriage accident.
But whether or not it was escaping from you know,
the bedchamber of a previously engaged whom I don't know,
but you know, that could have been the thing was
(07:39):
this post We the People could have been like an
ongoing during We the People, I mean I understand we
the people. We the people be fucking other people's wives.
I get it. That's how the preamble to the Constitution starts.
I'm pretty sure. Yeah, I should have been there. I
should have been a founding father. Okay, like I think,
(08:00):
maybe is that the new daddy founding father? No, it
doesn't have the same ring now, okay, anyway, sorry, I'm
just talking to myself now. So but he did, he
did finally get married. He did settle down at the
age of fifty seven. Good for him, right, Um, he
married his housekeeper, Nancy. She was like in her early thirties,
and Nancy Nancy was fancy and that she the things
(08:23):
that she had in common with Governor was that she
also liked to fuck other people's husbands, specifically her sisters.
So she might have banged her sister's husband. And then
they had a baby together, and then the baby mysteriously died,
and then her sister's husband and her went on trial
for murdering the baby, but there wasn't enough evidence, so
then they were acquitted. And then yeah, it's just a
(08:48):
super late abortion abortion jokes, trigger warning. And then the husband,
her sister's husband, then mysteriously died after that, and they
suspected Nancy and her sister Judith her maybe doing that.
So she was a crazy girl. Nancy's a riot, you know.
(09:09):
Sometimes you go from murderer to housekeeping too, founding father's wife.
You know, it's just sort of a pipeline. You ever
met a hinged Nancy? They're all unhinged and I love them. Yeah, yeah,
I know a lot of Nancy's, do you really? I
hope not, but but I think, yeah, it'd be a
secret Nancy. You know, maybe maybe one of us is
(09:31):
a secret Nancy. Oh my money's on Nika. Oh yeah, same.
I thought of you, Taylor. I think you're a secret Nancy.
Oh I get okay, I've been swayed based saying that
just now anyway, So Nancy, So that was fun, you know.
And the whole reason I'm doing this is because I
(09:51):
love exposition. And really the point I'm trying to make
is a lot of his life seems to have centered
around his penis. Penis, Okay, not his waener, his penis.
And actually John Jay, who was another founding father, at
one point he was like, hey, you know when he
was like in that carriage accident, it might have actually
been better if he lost something else, meaning alluding to
(10:14):
his he maybe should have lost his wiener because maybe
he would have had more attention to detail in his life.
Eighteenth century insults. I love they were. They were just
as crazy as we are today. Truly, I really do
love getting into history because it's like people were fucking
birth control was not as widely available, so they were
just throwing babies away. Like it was crazy. He was
(10:35):
a crazy time. Yeah, dying earlier crazy. Yeah, the time
before it was crazy. You know, as we've also established
on cadavergaws in the past, people were dying in the past.
Well little known fact. Okay, it's still be dying. So
basically his penis is gonna he caused him a lot
of problems in his life, and you're gonna see that's
going to cause him a lot of problems at the
(10:56):
end of his life, Okay, because like he also another
big thing in his life as he went to France.
He had lots of mistresses in France. For example, one
time he was in the Loop, which at the time
was just you know, King Louis Castle that he lived in,
and this one time there is this woman who was
married obviously, and they were kind of having an affair,
(11:17):
and he wrote down in his journal Governor did He said, Yeah,
we were at the Louver and we were celebrating me
and this woman. But oh that's so yeah, but that's
what that's his euphemism for, like banging was celebrating. But
the way they celebrated this one time in his journal entry,
it was in like one of the hallways of the
(11:38):
Louver during a party, while harpsichord was playing in the distance,
while this woman's husband was in the next room, and
all the doors were open and they were expecting people
to walk in. I, Governor, I shake at the like
the thought of this, like this is just every dream
of mine, and I'm mad. I'm angered that that that
(11:58):
cannot happen to me anymore. I love this so bad.
I love that. Like people are walking around the Louver now,
you know, to see like modern art, and there was
this right Governor just banging away at other celebrating. He
was celebrating your right, Yeah, celebrating. Yeah, celebrate everyone this weekend.
Have fun. Um. The next time I'm going to go
(12:20):
to the Louver, I'm gonna do a seance and ask
Governor to fuck me in the whole way. Okay, I'm
not I can. I would not be able to take
someone seriously if their name was governor. That's like the
equivalent of like having sex with someone called Elmo. Would
you rather celebrating with Elmo? Or governor obviously or city
(12:43):
council member? Me? Okay? But yeah, when he was in France,
he was there during the French Revolution or whatever, and
he was kind of against the revolution, I think because
he mostly he saw like the liberals who were like
kind of being a little bar He didn't like their barbarism,
you know, because they would go and kill the aristocrats
and then like put their like heads on spikes and
(13:04):
like walk aroun round and stuff. And I think Governor
was like, m yucky, I don't like that, you know.
After that was all going on and like the king,
you know, he got deposed and all that shit, Governor
he scaddled from France. But one fun thing is since
he knew the king, he didn't necessarily help the king,
you know, escape or anything. But he did go back
(13:25):
to the king's castle and like took some of his
furniture home with him too. The US, you know, just
that's nice. You know, your friend's been captured and you're
just like, hey, I'll just take your furniture, you know,
fun keeping. He's keeping it warm. Yeah, it was keeping
it safe, not just to like be like this would
look good in my living room. So obviously he used
(13:47):
his Wiener. Sorry, I'm gonna say weener again for mini bangs.
The thing is his his wiener. Also, this is gonna
be terrible sentence because I wrote it and I like it.
But his wiener often would get a little clogged. Oh yeah,
not a cute image. Nika is forming opinions about my character.
(14:11):
I don't I don't like what you just put into
my brain. I don't like it. Well, it would okay,
like you know, it's hot stuff. Like you know, his
ureth would get blocked and he couldn't urinate um. And
like back in the day they did have you like
because of STD. Well, what they're thinking is he might
have also had like prostate cancer, like but you know,
(14:34):
they didn't really have that diagnosis back then, so they're
thinking he just had some junk problems, junk with his junk.
And back in the day they did have like catheters,
and like even like Benjamin Franklin, he had like developed
like a catheter, and you know, so like those tools existed. Um,
can you tell listeners like me who don't know what
a catheter is what a catheter is? Well, that's a
(14:55):
great question. It's a thing you stick in your wee
wee to you know, you know, get things in and
out of your penis whole. Okay, like the whole where
the he goes through. Yeah, yeah, but you stick that
inside of the penis. You get a catheter. If you're
like sick or whatever and you're at the hospital and
you're laying in bed and you can't get up to
(15:16):
go to the bathroom, they give you a catheter and
they empty your bladder. Does that not hurt? Oh? I'm
sure must hurt. It must hurt. Yeah, it goes into
your yeah, your bladder. So it can help you like
pee if you like can't do it and stuff. So
and anyway, so those existed, but apparently he tended to
(15:36):
kind of make his own catheters, you know, because sometimes
it's like inconvenient to get a good one from like
your friend Benjamin Franklin down the road. You sometimes don't
have time. You just you got a pepee, right then,
So one of his friends wrote down that one time
he had witnessed or our governor had told him that
when he was having this like peeing issue inability to
(15:58):
pee at one time, he used a flexible piece of
hickory to unclog it, just like stuck that right up there.
Shut your mouth. Also, I like how his friend was
just like tweeting about I know. I mean if my
friends told me that something this unhinged, I probably would, yeah,
like not naming names, but not any names, but governor
(16:21):
it rhymes with puvener porous. And but then another day,
here's the thing. He got another blockage, and he was like, well,
what was it? The stick? No, this was okay. So
the stick oh oh splendors in the urethra. Oh no,
oh no, that sounds like that sounds like a post
(16:42):
rock band honestly, But um no, the hickory thing seemed
to have work, So maybe that had encouraged him to
like be like, hey, I could stick random tools up here. Maybe.
But later in eighteen sixteen, he had another sort of
clogged situation. He did try other homeopathic meth's to like, dude,
(17:06):
so just know that he was kind of like, hey,
maybe it's not the best idea of stick random things
in my wee wie. So he did try other methods
to try make it work. But then what happened is
they think that maybe from his wife Nancy, remember Nancy
Craig Craig crazy Nancy, um she you know, she was
wearing a corset, and they're thinking maybe Governor was like, hey,
(17:30):
can I have one of the whale bones that they
used to make the core sets? Right, so you know,
just break I mean also rude taking your wife's like
stuff and like breaking it. Oh, that's kind of rude.
But he did take maybe a whalebone from the corset
and then he was like, this is what I will
stick into my benus. Okay, so he did it to
(17:53):
to unclog it. I am horrified. I just it must
have been so crusty, oh, Nica, I mean also think
about this though the whole time. Yeah, Nika, great job
stooping to my level. He must have also had to
peace so bad, you know, because like he wasn't able
to pee for a long time. So imagine does lots
(18:15):
of discomfort Jess quickly, you know the links I go
for using the bathroom, you know, can you imagine what
he's going through right, yeah, yeah, right. Anyway, so the unfortunately,
he did seriously injure himself while he was doing this,
you know, maybe poke some holes in their urethread that
(18:36):
wouldn't get healed, and he got a big old penis
infection and he died a couple of days later on
November sixth, eighteen sixteen. And so a word to the wise,
if you got a pea, don't use a whale bone
so much. Drink some cranberry je wow. Yeah, have some juice.
(18:58):
Juice yeah, um, that was a lot. That was a lot. Also,
juice will just make you pee more so juice yeah.
Maybe exercise and like sweated all out. I mean, I
don't know what the alternative is. But thank you for that, Gabby.
That was disgusting. You're welcome. Just the like the pluggedness,
(19:20):
the plugged in nature of it just really clogged, clogged,
just really got to me. What if he had used like,
you know, like a toilet, like a plunger, a penis
plunger now available on cadaver gals dot com, slash merchandium.
We will be right back, Welcome back, welcome back. I
(19:45):
hope everyone has erased that image from their memories and
mind what the clogged penis? No? Okay? Um, God bless America.
He was a founding father. I love that, Gabby, you
are smelly. Okay, so um that was a terrible sound. Welcome,
(20:05):
welcome back, hello everyone. Yes, So the catheter, the DIY
catheter that he made was made of whalebone, which Okay,
to be completely honest, I'm not judging him too hard
because people have put weirdest stuff into their bodies and
not just for relief but for pleasure. So I'm not
worried about him really that much or judging I have.
(20:28):
I'm not gonna keep talking because I'm gonna expose myself.
Um anyway, but it was used as whalebone, which is cool.
And where does the whalebone come from? A whale let
a tangent, and I started looking up like how whales
have been used in medicine and medicinal practices and I'm
(20:49):
excited to dive into right now. Um, no one's loving it,
thank you. Also, there are a gold medalist in the
Olympics of the diving section to be a big dive board.
Can you imagine to get a whale that would be
a big diving board? You know, what is nature's diving
(21:11):
board is is sand, and sometimes sometimes whales try to
dive out of the sand but never return and that's sad,
and so they get beach thank you. Oh yeah, we're
getting somewhere. So so beached whales happen. It's a thing.
It's really sad and smelly and disturbing, but it happens
(21:36):
all the time. And apparently this guy in Australia in
the eighteen y'all in outline I wrote the eighteen nineties
in the eighteen eighteen ninety six, he was a very silly,
fun guy, kind of like Nancy, and he saw this
dead whale on the beach and you know, being the
(21:56):
silly I mean, what would Nancy do? What would Nancy do?
Nancy would jump into the whale carcass. So that's what
he did. Like, yeah, apparently he was drunk. That's not
the first thing I would do if I saw a
beached whale. But maybe I'm just not as fond as him,
you know, yeah, because they do that like exploding thing,
because they're when they're real gassy and stuff, and so
that seems dangerous to be around a whale. It does
(22:18):
seem dangerous, right, but he said danger's my middle name
and ran up in there. So his friends were like,
he's a goner. She's all very nice friends and serves
him right, you know, because he's drunk and he's getting
inside the whale and so they leave him being which
is not very good. He actually emerged from the whale
(22:41):
hours later, sober and with powers like Spider Man. Kidding.
He was cured of his roma to arthritis. Same thing,
kind of what I know, crazy? So wait, sorry, I'm
I'm stuck thinking about whale man. Now that's my next
pitch at my job. So I'm thinking, like you're in
(23:04):
there and then you so over up inside of a
whale and you're like what am I doing? Right? Where
am I? And then you just pop out and you're like, oh,
my arthritis has gone. He seemed to be like a
really silly, fun guy, so this was relatively normal for him.
I mean, I Australia's crazy. I'll know that he's always
getting into antics exactly, so Nanny it was cured of
(23:28):
his arthritis. He had been suffering from arthritis and constant
pain for a long time, and something about cannoodling inside
of the whale made the pain go away. He was overjoyed.
And it's actually interesting because this was not the first time.
I mean, this was the first time that a white
man did it, which is why it is seen as
(23:50):
the first time quote unquote recorded that this has been done.
But actually, Aboriginal people in that region in Australia, which
is called Twofold Bay, used whale parts for a variety
of rituals and medicines before they were colonized, and they
would use every part of a beached whale. So they
would use bones like to make shelters, not to make
corsets or terrible catheters. And they would eat like the
(24:13):
beached whale flush, and they would use the flesh to
make oils and medicines. And they would actually use the
arthritis cure too. So, silly guy, you did not discover this,
but according to white people, you did, so okay, So
a whale cure of arthritis, what the heck? Well, what
they would do is after the meat m blubber was removed,
they would get into the carcass and slather on whale
(24:35):
fat all over the bodies. And it seems like whale
fat is full of healthy omega three fats as well
as like anti inflammatory property things, so that helped lessen
the pain of disease like arthritis and lupus and like
other joint inflammatory things. Basic testing crazy, So it ended
up becoming like a tourist attraction after this white guy
(24:58):
did it, and this like small baytown area became this
whale kind of like in the way where Turkish baths
were a thing, or like going to I don't know,
certain places where like the like people would go to
Egypt for example, on like health vacation just because it
was nice and dry and hot from England or whatever.
(25:21):
That the town of Twofold Bay kind of became that,
but with whale carcasses specifically for like arthritis people. So
um business owners would charge people from all over the
world who had come to their town to sit in
whale carcasses, and patients would sit in the whale, in
the whale fat specifically for twenty to thirty hours and
(25:42):
come out feeling better and reported feeling no arthritis pain
for at least a year. Now, I mean, I mean,
thank god, I have never experienced athritis pain, so I
don't know how terrible it is, but would you sit
in twenty to thirty hours of whale fat just like
to not be in pain for a year. So like, yes,
I feel like people would do that. You did. I
have played your fasciitis right now, and I would definitely
(26:05):
my foot in some whale right now. It's driving me crazy,
even if it was just for a year. Yes, I
also don't know what plan is. But I'm sorry, Taylor.
Does that mean you a bardy feet? No, it just
means I have a hurdy foot o. Sorry, So you
shouldn't be stinky, you should be hurt, footy or hurdy.
(26:29):
I mean, I don't know if I would want to
sit in a whale that long, but also chronic pain
be a bit so maybe. Yeah. Well it became very popular,
as we know, the problem is that they did smell
really bad at least a week, like for an entire
week after the treatment. So and then I found a
quote from a newspaper in nineteen to two that kind
(26:51):
of reported on the miracle cure and took us through
like the entire process. Do you want me to read it? Yes,
I need to know this information, thank you. So it says, okay,
when a whale is killed and towed, toad, toad ashore. Sorry,
and while the interior of the carcass still retains a
little warmth. A hole is cut through one side of
(27:13):
the body sufficiently large to admit the patient. So the
lower part of whose body from the feet to the
loins should sink in the whales intestine, leaving the head,
of course outside the aperture. The latter is closed up
as closely as possible, soaked up, and otherwise the patients
would not be able to breathe through the volume of
(27:35):
anemoniacal gases which would escape from every opening if left uncovered. Yeah,
so the gases would just penetrate the skin basically and
heal these people. The whaling industry sadly diminished. Well, I
am not sadly. Actually, it's a good thing that it
did in the twentieth century and people stopped going to
the town for the cure. But you know, important part
(27:57):
of information today, CBD exists now, which can be really
helpful for pain and people smell less bad. So um.
On another note, have you heard of ambergris? No, I
don't know what that is. It's whale vomit and it
is like super rare and people like mind for it
and it is it's like kind of stinky, but it's
(28:19):
actually used and like a lot of perfumes. Oh, it
actually like smells kind of weird. But then like if
you really like start to break it down, it like
smells really good. Is that? Wait? Would it be one
whale per person or would the whale be use time
and time again? Because that seems like a lot of whales. Well,
(28:40):
it also depends on the whale. It's whale vomits. So
I think you have to find the ballomic ones you know.
Oh no, I see what the treat meant. Oh no,
multiple people would go inside the whale. Okay, so you
could lie, you could do a whale soak with a
buddy maybe, yes, Okay, yes, that might be Okay, that's
actually an experience on Airbnb. The you can I'm kidding o. Yeah,
(29:04):
And then you could set your phone up in front
of you with your head just above the whale. You
can watch there you go, There you go, Taylor Hurdie Hurdie, Taylor, Yeah,
I would like to move past the whale conversation. Okay,
do you think you could do that for us? Definitely?
I'll take you backaways again as I like to do
(29:28):
to the Roman Republic where Marcus Licinious Crassis m Sadie
goat me and I both got excited about this name.
We're gonna love this. Then at first, um he was
one of the first there were two triumvirates, and he
(29:49):
was one of the three of the first triumvirate along
with Pompey the Great and Julius Caesar. Question, what's a
triumpher it? So it is basically like a government, but
like this was kind of like a secret, Like it
was a secret at first. So it was like a
secret like alliance of like, hey, we're going to like
(30:10):
run this town. I guess I don't really know. That's
it was the ruling party and it had to be
three people because it was triumph for it. But it
was like a secret. They these guys that there was
only two um and these guys were like, let's keep
it on the DL at first. But anyway, so Crassis,
he was actually thought to be one of the wealthiest
(30:32):
men at the time. Jeff Bezos like an ass, Yeah,
well how did he get this wealth? You ask? He
would say he would m he would buy these burned
like these burned rundown buildings for super cheap and obviously
he would hire well, I don't think you can say
higher when he forced five hundred people aka slaves to
(30:54):
rebuild the building. But he was like very specific about
who his slaves were going to be. He wanted to
be sure that they had like an architecture background and everything.
So so he's like a landlord, like one of those
fixed or upper people. Gentrifi Er fixed her upper people, right,
but like that's how he made it, but using slaves
to rebuild, right, and so and this time there was
(31:15):
a slave revolt. Remember Spartacus, he was involved with one
of the Wards wars that where the slaves revolted and
Crassis was a part of this and he stopped the
revolt and he was like praised for that. There were
like great slaves, can't you know rise up great? Everybody
was like thanks, good job on that. Um yeah, he's
(31:38):
less daddy now like big. At first you're like okay,
and then you're like we're like old man. It gets worse, so, um,
you know, this read led to more revolts and stuff,
and so he would always go and you know, be
in the war on that, leading the wars on that,
(31:58):
but against the revolt. Yes, okay, and so at some
point it's like, oh, that's enough war for me. I'm
like I'm doing okay, Like I have like all of
this money and like all this stuff. So I'm fine,
I'm just gonna sit here and chill with Caesar and Pompey. Finally. Yeah,
So twenty years go by and he's like, just kidding,
I need more wealth. So he's like, who could I
(32:22):
go to war with? I don't really know, like, let's
pick somebody random. Like I imagine he just like swirled
his finger on a map and it's like, m here,
kind of like when you like U turn a globe
and you put your finger and you're like, that's where
I'm gonna go. Yeah, that's exactly what I imagined he did.
But he just had a map because back then the
Earth was flat, Yeah, exactly, and then it got a
(32:44):
circle later. Yeah, it's still flat, right, No, the lizards
came from space and then they made it a globe. Okay, yeah,
I know. Okay, So he decides Ptarthian Empire. You you're
going down this, by the way, is like modern day
Turkey in Syria. He's like, I gonna get more buildings
(33:05):
so I can get more slaves to rebuild, and then
I can sell and make all this money and be richer.
It's just like make a mixed use developments all across
like the neariest love that for him. Yeah, So Pompey
and Sees are like, Bro, don't do this, it's not necessary.
They've done nothing wrong, like stay bro, Yeah totally. They
were like, no, don't go, like he didn't have any
(33:27):
of the support. But he's like, no, I'm gonna do
it anyway. I'm gonna give me some soldiers and just go.
So they're like, fine, dude, like do do you do you?
But like I don't support you. So he's like, okay,
I'm gonna bring my son. Then Publius, Are you kidding me? No,
(33:49):
it's fall It's spelled p u b l i u
s Publius Hublius. Yeah, Hubais. I'm gonna say publius, okay,
because that's almost worse than clogged waners to pistle. Really
sounds like the bottom of the turkey's net. That's okay.
(34:12):
So so he's like, Publis, get in the van. We're going,
y'all is gonna haunt us. Actually, y'all, pupas is gonna hunt, y'all,
I have respect so you don't. So anyway, um they
split up into like three teams. They're on their way,
(34:33):
they're in their little formation and they're like, we're gonna
go until we just find the Parthians. Um. So along
the way there's this um Arab chieftain who was buddies
with POMPEII, and he's like, yo, can you go around
this river like just like be respectful? And he's like yeah, okay,
Like he was like, oh, I'm buddies with Pompei, so
like you know, and so he says, okay, fine, we'll
(34:55):
go do that. But he apparently had made a deal
with the Parthians to make them go around the river
so that the the part Athians could have more time to
prepare and then catch them off guard. Oh dang, some
double crossing love that. So the Parthians in this little
(35:17):
tricky thing where they also they were camouflage, so they
were like wearing animal hides over their armor to disguise
their numbers, and then war starts happening. Romans aren't doing
so hot because they were caught off guard, despite though
the Parthians had fewer numbers, but the Romans not doing
(35:38):
so hot. So you guys, this is my favorite part.
The Parthians they're like, they appear to retreat, they start
like heading the other way. So the Romans are like yeah,
and they chase them and they're like gur. But the
Parthians are very skilled horseback riders, so okay, oh boy it.
So they're riding away and they turn and they're like
(36:02):
shooting back at them with their arrows and stuff. That's
hot hot. Yeah. So they're riding their horses going like
that's that takes some skill, some balance or do you
think you could do that? You probably used to could have,
but I also don't know how to shoot an arrow.
So okay, baby steps. They probably all had abs, definitely,
(36:23):
they probably did shredd dead dah thirsty. So so, long
story short, most of the Romans die, including Crassus's son,
Publius Publius, which made Crassis really sad. He was so sad.
(36:43):
He was like, my boy, that's what happens when you
get all like you know, wealth hoarding at Jeff Bezos,
do you want your you know, your son with grimes?
Oh my gosh, that's not that's not Bezos, that's someone else. Okay, whatever.
So a very important lesson for all the wealthy people
that listen to us. Yeah, oh just wait, we'll have
(37:06):
a strong lesson for them in a minute. So the
Parthians are like, okay, let's reach a truce. Your son.
You're sad your son has died, but I'm gonna need
you to come over here so you can sign these
papers as this truce. And he's like, fine, whatever, I'm
just like sad. And so he said fine whatever, I said,
(37:29):
I will do whatever you want. And so he gets
there and the Parthians are like, look, you're way too greedy.
You're like, way, way, way, way way too greedy. You
want some gold? Is that what you want? Will give
you some gold. So they melt a bunch of gold
and pour it down his throat. Oh no hidden meaning here.
(37:52):
They're like, oh, you're obsessed with gold. Here you go,
you tiny little gold guzzler, and um, you can guess
what happened. He expired make him more powerful. No, the
the the idea here is this unquenchable thirst for wealth
(38:14):
that they would stop with basically drowning them, suffocating them
with wow, melted gold. So after this, that's cool, that's
like almost like two specific. You know, it was like
two like on the nose if you remember it, Like Thrones,
Denarius's brother died a similar way. They would just poured
(38:39):
it on his head. He was like, I want my crown,
I want my crown, and there like, oh, you want
a crown, I'll give you a crown, And they sure did.
They put a They put melted gold on top of
his head. High. Yes, I killed him. Yes. So anyway,
(38:59):
after his death, the Triumvirate is no longer a try
it's a duo variant. So Caesar and Pompey they begin arguing,
and you guys, this is the end of the Roman Republic,
and yet another war ensues. A Roman Civil War happens,
(39:22):
thus the birth of the Roman Empire. What wow, Because
this man was so greedy, I'm sure this was the
only reason why that happened. I was so confused. I
was like, wait, Roman Empire, Roman Republic. I learned so
much when I was looking at all this, But interestingly,
I was like I came across another like like another
(39:46):
couple of people that died in the same way, but
like there it took a lot of researching to like
actually find a story that was like long enough. But
looking this up the internetters are like, okay, but like
what actually killed him? They're like, but how did he
actually die? Did his organs exploded? He suffocate? Like what
happened in Scientists are like, don't you worry. We got you.
(40:09):
We're gonna get to the bottom of this. So they're like,
let's go to a cow slaughterhouse and they're like, hmm,
excuse me, maybe please have a bovine larynx, and like,
oh my gosh, he has. Of course, here you go.
So side note, the animal was not killed for this purpose.
They were just utilizing it for science. They were being
slaughtered for a well hamburgers, so right, so they get
(40:32):
you more honorable than yeah, rightlience. So they get a lee,
melt some gold, plug up the hampering on, plug in
again at the end of the larynx, and pour molten
metal into the into the tube, put tissue on top,
and from there they determine that it was the steam
that killed the victims. So the steam from the medal
(40:55):
like comes up and just like kills you the end.
That makes sense. That makes sense. Every rich person who
is adding to climate change by just caring about their
own wealth needs molten gold poured into their larynxes or
just like around them, so they get like the idea
(41:15):
and then yeah, that's pretty barbara. Um no, no, yeah,
my adjective isn't barbaric, Taylor, it's beautiful. But I appreciate
that you stayed with the bee. I love the sentiment though,
It's fine. My my true core adjective is really just bitch. No,
(41:36):
we need to like inject them with bitcoin. Uh yeah, anyway,
thanks Taylor for that. Um yeah, people were doing that
back then. And we're going to talk more about executions
when we come back. Thank you, Thank you Tayla for
(41:57):
giving us that. How fun, how fun? And also you
mentioned some of my favorite subjects, which are precious metals
and slash execution methods and Publius silly names. I just yeah,
Publius is a great name. Wow, I'm gonna name my
next cat Publius. So I have one ancient Roman execution
(42:19):
method that I want to talk about and highlight today
because you know, they had so many torture methods and
execution methods, but this one's stuck out for me. I've
been watching squid game. Has anyone been watching squid Game? Yes? Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes,
don't you finish it? Finished it? No, Taylor, No, Gabby? Oh, okay,
(42:40):
you spoil it if I'm not gonna know it for you,
I'm not gonna spoil it for you. Lots of twists
and turns ahead. Where are you guys though? Like episode
three four, I've seen the first three episodes. Okay, I'm
out there too. Okay, Well, so y'all know basically what happens.
It's a contest and you have to kill your friends
(43:02):
and stuff because of capitalism. Y'all know, y'all already know.
I don't want to hear it to kill your friends, well,
I mean, if you do all, yeah, with fellow humans,
fellow people. So there's just something about a situation where
you turn on your friends like that. Just to me,
it sounds kind of extra horrifying for your own survival.
(43:23):
Lord of the Flies was actually my favorite book for
a very long time growing up, So that should tell
you something about myself and the ancient Romans. They understood
the horror of putting people in these kinds of predicaments.
They were they were smart like that, and they had
an execution method called decimation, and this was like a
large masses execution situation. You know, you're a Roman general.
(43:46):
You have captured an army of hundreds, let's say, and
you need an efficient way of executing the people of
this army. Right, you can't do it one by one.
That's too much work, too much manpower. You know, what
do you do? What do you do? Well? This is
when decimation comes in. So what you do is you
separate the army of men into groups of ten, and
(44:07):
then you have them draw lots, which was usually like
straws or sticks, and whoever has the shortest straw in
the group of ten gets killed by his nine other friends,
whoa yeah wow. So usually the friends have to kill
their comrade by stoning or clubbing or stabbing their front
to death. And this to me is just like insane
(44:28):
psychological torture and can really break a friendship apart. Yeah yeah,
when you have to group together murder one of your
other friends, don't you hate it when that happens. M
Alexander the Great was recorded doing it to an army
of six thousand men that he captured. And actually the
earliest recording of decimation was in four hundred and seventy
one BC when Rome was battling an independent tribe that
(44:52):
lived in the hilly areas near them. Yeah, right, they
lived near the hilly area in the mountain area exactly.
And and some of Rome's own army actually deserted the battle,
so the deserters were captured and centurions, which had like
a higher rank than the average soldier in an army,
(45:14):
they were beheaded. But for the rest of the foot soldiers,
they went through decimation, and then the guys who survived
were taken as like prisoners, like slave prisoners basically, and
you've made to work so wow, yeah, because it's like
you're not even killing everybody, so you're just making them
like feel bad, but you're breaking them, you know, psychologically. Yeah.
(45:38):
Also makes drawing straws a much more sinister activity, absolutely absolutely, So,
you know, people have been fucked up since the beginning
of time. What can I say now we're watching a
Netflix show about it. Publius. Sorry, okay, Yeah, the best
(46:04):
thing that came out of today's episode is publius. The
word will stick with me engraved in my heart. Gabby,
that's not necessary. I'm gonna listen right now. How to
pronounce publius. It's probably like pah blah blahs, Publius Publius. Okay,
well I like Publios, so okay, Well, sometimes people do
(46:27):
comment on our mispronunciations, so we just want you guys
to know that we're self aware about it, that we know.
But Publius, I'm Publius as much funny, more funny than Publius.
Are you kidding me? Publius? That does nothing for me?
Publi does everything for me. Gives me baby plankton from SpongeBob,
Square of Hands vibes. Yeah, it's cute, it's a little
(46:49):
nast I love it. Publius. What no thanks? Okay, well
we'll leave all of you by chanting Publius twice. Thank
you so much for listening. One, two, three guys, Publius, Publius,
Bye Gal. Cadaver Gals is a production of School of
(47:20):
Humans and iHeartRadio. It is produced research et cetera by
Gabby Watts, Taylor Church, and Nika Duae. You can follow
us online at Cadaver Gals g A l S. Thank
you for listening, Hublius
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