AM I AWARE?

Hot off his new special Pete Holmes chews nicotine gum and joins Chelsea for a scholarly spiritual exploration. A discussion of the end of holiday cheer, gradients of sobriety, memory photo albums, missing your "comedy class," intrusive thoughts, breath work, not being poly, sleep, yoga, and snacks. Pete asks himself questions and quotes Boy Genius, Eckhart Tolle, Alan Watts, Ram Dass, and Rupert Spira. Old references like MOTPC and MYM and Deec PJ. Chelsea brings a real live gavel to make snap judgements! Callers discuss foods. Please sound off in the comments...

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Better.

Speaker 2 (00:01):
Yeah, do you do that on your podcast? Really?

Speaker 1 (00:05):
But it's nicotine gume, so I put it up.

Speaker 2 (00:06):
Whoa, I didn't even think you smoked.

Speaker 1 (00:08):
I never smoked in my life.

Speaker 2 (00:10):
But you just need a little more pap in your steps.

Speaker 1 (00:13):
True, that's exactly. You're the only person that got it right.

Speaker 3 (00:17):
It is.

Speaker 1 (00:17):
It's a stimulant. Yeah. Uh, you know what there's This
is boring, but there is just a I don't want
to say trend, but there are a lot of people
that use nicotine now that never smoke because it helps
you think it releases dopamine. I'm going to get you
back on it. I've gotten so many people on it,
and I don't even like it because it is highly addictive.

(00:38):
So it's like you're like sending someone down a path
like a new lifestyle thing.

Speaker 2 (00:44):
It's so interesting because the only thing, I mean, it's
not interesting.

Speaker 1 (00:51):
But don't get me wrong.

Speaker 2 (00:53):
What's interesting is that my whole addiction to.

Speaker 1 (00:59):
Able to hear you smile.

Speaker 3 (01:01):
That was my old joke. Do you remember that?

Speaker 4 (01:03):
Of course again, that was like my asking you if
you heard that other people code.

Speaker 1 (01:08):
I don't mean to interrupt, but I'm sort of obsessed
with not getting jokes, Like, I think it's really if
I don't get a joke, I'll think about it for
a long time, Like it like haunts me. And the
fact that that's one of the biggest they just didn't
see it and they like were like loud about it,
and that makes me so it was so weird.

Speaker 2 (01:31):
Yeah, I mean it's that, you know what, people just
don't get iron my whole addiction to smoking, I don't.
I'm not convinced it was physical. I think I just
really love the activity.

Speaker 1 (01:42):
Oh you know what, my nicotine use is informed by
you telling me that cigarette smoking was good for writing?
What huh? So I noticed this is boring, but you
don't it's boring, but we're not recording. I noticed that
every once in a while, you know, you'd be at
a wedding or some you smoke a cigar and it
would just be like in the most like manic mood.

(02:04):
There's like three hundred milligrams of nicotine in a cigar.
That's ridiculous. This is six which is I want to
ask you you can get this.

Speaker 2 (02:15):
No, but I'm what are you saying.

Speaker 1 (02:17):
You said when you would be on script and you'd smoke,
you were like it's the only thing that I really
noticed the difference. And then I got curious about like,
why does hemingway and it's fucking all these writers, why
are they always smoking a cigar? And it's because and
this is almost over, I'm so I'll go on and
on the house. I have to say it's almost over.

(02:37):
It's boring, but we're like, we're ninety percent done. It
elevates your heart rate, so it puts you in an
aerobic state and it relaxes you, so it's up and
down at the same time, which is ideal for sitting
and writing, because you know how you go for a
walk and it like helps you think. That's what nicotine
is doing. It elevates your heart rate, helps you think
it's over.

Speaker 2 (02:58):
What about that thing that starts with a bee that
people take for a stage fright.

Speaker 1 (03:04):
I've never heard of this.

Speaker 2 (03:05):
Starts with a bee. I think some drug people take.

Speaker 1 (03:09):
Like a street drag. Yeah, beta blockers. Why would you
want to get over stage fright? Like I don't want
to mellow out before I go on stage.

Speaker 2 (03:21):
You don't have stage fright.

Speaker 1 (03:22):
Right, I get an elevated heart. I hadn't done stand
up in about I think It was like three weeks
and then I had some shows this weekend, so I
did a couple sets in town to get ready, and
the first one I was standing it was at the improv.
I wasn't intellectually nervous, you know what I mean, because
not not to put down, just to set at the improv.

(03:43):
But I knew it wasn't. I wasn't in danger or anything.
But I was like, oh my god, my body does
not know I'm not skydiving right now. So I get that.
But that's what helps you go up, and that's what
helps me go up. Don't get me now. I'm a
guest so hard because I love saying everything I think.
My therapist said, anxiety is like a bell curve, you

(04:04):
know what I mean. You want to be right here
where it helps you. If you have too little, you
don't do anything. You have too much, you don't do anything.
You know.

Speaker 2 (04:11):
What's funny is I can't believe I'm actually in the
room with you and not watching a clip on Instagram
and what not watching a clip on Instagram?

Speaker 1 (04:20):
Do you ever tell YouTube not interested?

Speaker 3 (04:23):
Yeah?

Speaker 2 (04:24):
No, I don't do on YouTube. I tell Instagram not
interested in the posts like this and they're like why,
and I'm like it at the time, I think it
gives you an option like I'm just not interested or something.
And then one that's like it's violent, it's hate, it's this.

Speaker 1 (04:39):
I have to do that with ads on social sometimes
when it's and I don't feel good about it, but
it shows you some horrible image and I have donated
in the past, and now you're in trouble because your
whole feet is going to be like, you know, yeah, tragedies.
And I had to start saying, please stop showing with that.
And there's an option for AD you know, it'll just

(05:00):
show you like I'm not trying to be funny like
a kid in an earthquake or something like a terrible why.

Speaker 2 (05:06):
Would that be funny.

Speaker 1 (05:07):
I just don't want people to think I'm like riffing, oh,
like in the earthquake, like walka walka it's truly or
cleft palate or something like really sad things and I'm
just like it's a sensitive subject. Like you know, who
I give to is give well dot org if you
heard of them. Some billionaire genius figured out that like
everyone gives to the Red Cross or everyone gives to

(05:27):
this or whatever, and they figured out, like with with math,
with science, who is getting the least amount of support
like good things, and they take your money and they
give it to these like people who really really need it.
So I started trying to be more less less impulsive.

Speaker 2 (05:43):
Feels like there'll be like a scandal with give Wells
in the next five to ten.

Speaker 1 (05:48):
Well, I mean, yes, any anywhere money is you could
you could be sure.

Speaker 2 (05:54):
All right, it's your okay, so here we go. You
began by sitting down and saying you're wrecked.

Speaker 1 (06:00):
Oh yeah, yeah, I didn't want to get on the
record or dot org. Is that this is one of
the weirdest weeks in America, like the week after the holidays. Yeah,
and I just did an episode of my podcast and
both me and my guests were I actually it was
your guest, Justin Martindale. Do you know him? I do.

(06:22):
I thought you were going to be like, not a
fan because this is your snap judgment.

Speaker 2 (06:26):
Yeah. Well, I wanted to bring this gavel in so
I can. Yeah, you know who gave me this, Michelle
Collins Love. Years ago. My old Ames screen name was
gavel Face, and it was because she said when she
looks at me, she just sees a gavel.

Speaker 1 (06:42):
I was just gonna say, no, you didn't even have
to explain this. If you just brought that into a lunch,
I'd be like, you.

Speaker 2 (06:49):
Found I need a more portable one for lunches and things.

Speaker 1 (06:52):
This is like flavor flaps clock y. No one's like,
why are you wearing that clock? He's flavor flake. Why
do you have a gavel? Uh No, it's perfect. I
forget what I was. Oh, but yes, it helped clear
down to just say, well, so Christmas lights and holiday
lights and all that stuff is to help us because
the winter is so hard. It's so dark, and it's cold.

(07:13):
I know we're in California, but it still gets cold
and there's not much going on. And then you have
that holiday time and I wasn't with my family, it
would have been way worse. If I mean my parents.
I was with my family and I love that, and
but even there there's some guilt that you're not with
your parents. So there's a lot of feelings in the mix.
And then this is the time of year where we're abandoned,

(07:34):
meaning Christmas trees going. It's the saddest needily Christmas tree
is dragged out there's a death to that hit you saw.

Speaker 2 (07:44):
I couldn't get it. I was like, this my death.

Speaker 3 (07:50):
Old to go.

Speaker 2 (07:51):
I was like, but you said so many things in
such a short time. We're abandoned.

Speaker 1 (08:01):
We're abandoned by the lights and the trees and the festive.
So like that's there by design. Anthropologically, it makes perfect
sense that during the darkest time and the coldest time
we would put up artificial light and it makes us happy.
We've been doing that since it was candles, which was
very dangerous, but like, we're doing the same thing. But
now I'm like taking lights off. How sad is that?

(08:23):
That's what I did last night. I'm taking lights.

Speaker 2 (08:25):
No more festivity, no more fun.

Speaker 1 (08:27):
And no more merriment, no more Christmas music. I don't
even love Christmas music. But it's sad that I'm like,
so that's just.

Speaker 2 (08:34):
No hot mold wine, no cider. It is funny that
winter there's a season and a time for merriness, and
then if you were to be married during another time,
people are like, what the fuck is Sometimes.

Speaker 1 (08:47):
We had a sign on our house that just said joy,
like kind of a Christmas y light up sign that
just said joy. And last year we left it up
and I really like that because I was like, why
are we going? Joy is over? It's it's like when
you don't, you know, do a vice for a month
so that when you go back to it, it's better.

Speaker 2 (09:06):
Seventeen years, honey.

Speaker 1 (09:08):
You know it's been six years for me.

Speaker 2 (09:10):
Really.

Speaker 1 (09:15):
The sound the sound of drunkenness. Most people that hear
the sound though they are drunk. But thank you for
playing that.

Speaker 2 (09:26):
What an achievement, What an accomplishment. I don't like it.

Speaker 3 (09:30):
I don't like that.

Speaker 1 (09:32):
I'm sorry. Seventeen years.

Speaker 2 (09:35):
I'm serious. I'm serious.

Speaker 1 (09:36):
It's hard, right, Uh yeah, I don't Well, it's funny.

Speaker 2 (09:41):
Probably actually here let me guess no, no, no, no, no, you microdose,
well no, I will do hallucinogens. You smoke weed.

Speaker 1 (09:51):
But all that, I didn't think you were going to
go that. To me, alcohol was the problem. Yeah, don't
give me. You get me started. I want to be
your guest. I don't just want to be a blabermin.

Speaker 2 (10:01):
I'll hit this, this the new.

Speaker 1 (10:03):
Meaning of this, stop and I will. I'm here to
be whatever you want me to be. But just know
I'm excited to see you and I'll just go. But
here's me too, thank you. Weed has a built in
it cancels itself. For me. If I smoke weed and
I enjoy I get very silly and giggly all the things,

(10:25):
and I have a set the next day, I'll just
be behind myself. There's that boy genius lyric. I'm in
the back seat of my body. That's sort of how
I feel. I'm like depersonalized and I'm just not as sharp,
so I can't It's not a sustainable addiction for me.
Some people can roll with it. I'm very sensitive, so
if I smoke weed and the other thing, I'll be
a little depressed for me.

Speaker 2 (10:47):
So the answer is, you don't smoke weed.

Speaker 1 (10:50):
I will very rarely, you know.

Speaker 2 (10:54):
But so what's the six years booze?

Speaker 1 (10:56):
Yeah? For me, the problem with booze is, I mean,
there's a lot of problems with booze, but like it
was sustainable in the sense that I could do it
every day. I could, I was okay with hangovers. I
just the whole, for lack of a better word, lifestyle
was maintainable for me. So that was hard to stop.

(11:16):
But weed is a self canceling thing and hallucinogens, yes,
but that's like four times a year tops. I know
that sounds like a lot, but as I said it,
I was like I.

Speaker 2 (11:30):
Could say nothing and you'd just be bouncing off what
you think I'm thinking and I'm wrong.

Speaker 1 (11:35):
No, it was nice when you guessed, and I thought
you were gonna guess that. Oh, alcohol was easy for
you to quit. The reason it was easy for me
to quit is easy ish for me to quit was
because I have a very black and white brain, and
that's what addicts have. You actually said that to me,
because what I was doing was I was getting drunk
at night and then in the morning, I would exercise,
I would drink wheat grass, I'd drink green juice all day.

(11:57):
And you it was a very helpful moment. You were
just like, that's a classic alcoholic thing, and I was like,
oh my god, and that extreme thing. So when I quit,
I applied the wound of having an addic kind of
brain to almost like being addicted to being sober or
or the black and whiteness, like I don't drink anymore, moderation.

Speaker 2 (12:20):
And all things including moderation.

Speaker 1 (12:22):
I don't know where you got that.

Speaker 2 (12:24):
Oh, I don't either, because I can't and I used
to be really into it.

Speaker 1 (12:30):
I can't. I can't do moderation. If I'm doing something,
I do it. And I like that about myself.

Speaker 3 (12:35):
Do you.

Speaker 1 (12:37):
So if I'm going to drink, I would get like
a Martini or Manhattan and I just drink it like
a shot because I.

Speaker 2 (12:44):
Don't think what I say. I don't think you need tobacco.
You're you're You're hopped up right now. You're absolutely hopped up.
I've never felt more mellow in my life than talking
to you right now.

Speaker 1 (12:56):
I'm excited to see you.

Speaker 2 (12:58):
You are I am. How can you ben from your
friendships right up top? No, I don't. Actually I thought
about it, and I was like, we already kind of
did talk about this.

Speaker 1 (13:07):
We had a nice exit interview.

Speaker 2 (13:08):
Yeah, I don't.

Speaker 1 (13:09):
It is sad, though, Oh you know what I mean.
I'm not. I'm not unaware of the morning. I sometimes
I go on like I try to stay off social
Actually yeah, but I do. And one of the things
I'll do if I'm really bored on an airplane or something,
instead of giving in is I'll just go in my
photos and I'll what I'll do is maybe everybody knows this,

(13:30):
but you go albums, then you click years and you
can just scroll back to a year and it'll show
you like the time you're in that what's.

Speaker 2 (13:38):
Our year twenty fourteen.

Speaker 1 (13:40):
I don't really pay attention to the numbers, but like,
I'll just go back and find an old year. And
there are times and it's not just you. There was
just a time when it was brunch with you and Joe,
Mandy and Nick cool Malaney.

Speaker 2 (13:52):
You're like comedy class, my comedy class.

Speaker 1 (13:55):
Yeah, exactly. And there's when I say it's sad it's
just because you're mourning that everything changes. Yeah, but sometimes
I catch myself again that attic brain like Mulleni and
I don't really talk. I'm not saying that shots fire.

Speaker 2 (14:08):
Okay, Internet, let's get our heads together and figure out.

Speaker 3 (14:11):
Why does the Mulai talk to beat up?

Speaker 2 (14:14):
Does anyone have any thoughts of being it's comment below that.

Speaker 1 (14:19):
You are so funny, That is the funniest thing you
could have said. Any thoughts?

Speaker 5 (14:28):
Clear?

Speaker 1 (14:29):
His life is just changed, So I don't take it personally.
That's if John saw that, I wouldn't he wouldn't be like,
why did you say that? It's just like we kind
of fell out of touch.

Speaker 2 (14:38):
We had breakfast this morning.

Speaker 1 (14:40):
Did you really maybe that wouldn't hurt my feelings? People?

Speaker 3 (14:47):
We didn't. We didn't.

Speaker 1 (14:48):
But here's here's my point. Here's my point. When I
go I catch myself almost as a defense mechanism, being like, well,
we weren't really that close. Maybe I was like diluted.
And then you go by and you're like, oh my god,
it's like every birthday. It's all these brunches, all these
and I feel the same way.

Speaker 2 (15:05):
But it's weird.

Speaker 1 (15:07):
And I feel the same way about a lot of people.

Speaker 2 (15:10):
But here's what I think is interesting about comedy friendships.
It's like you don't actually know each other a lot
of times that well, you just because you see each
other at shows and things or you go eat after.
But it's like the most nonc middle yeah thing. I mean,
we were different because we would like actually intentionally meet
up and stuff. But it is a weird kind of

(15:31):
thing because you're in this like almost like fraternity that
I don't know. I think I just thought about this
a lot with all these guys that have turned out
to be predators, where I'm like, hey, really don't hilarious, No, no,
you really just don't know the weirdest first thing to say, hilarious.

Speaker 1 (15:50):
Here is something funny about it?

Speaker 2 (15:52):
Is it hilarious or no?

Speaker 1 (15:54):
I didn't mean it like that. I meant like, it's
not as zero some game. It's like there's there's to it, Like, right,
you didn't know these people and then it turns out
you didn't know these people. Yeah, there's a lot to
say about that. Neil Brennan has a great thing about
comedy friendships, and he's like, it's like we're in a
bar fight. I don't feel this way about us. I'm
just saying, yeah, some of the colleague friendships, Like when

(16:16):
Louis came out and people were like, how did you
not know? It's like, we don't really know like that way.
It's like you don't know everything about the people in
your office, and you might really like them and be
around them, but you don't know everything. But Neil's thing is,
especially at the beginning, when you're really hustling, it's like
you're in a bar fight. And I thought this is great.
He's like, sometimes you're both punching in the same direction

(16:39):
and it gives the illusion that you're on the same team,
but really in a bar fight. Everybody's just kind of
punching everybody. It's just chaos and a lot of those
kind of foxhole friendships. Like comedy is so vulnerable and scary.
So that's why Mullenie and I got very close when
we were both kind of starting out, because it is
like a you need friends.

Speaker 2 (17:00):
It's really weird, actually, how when you start comedy and
you're doing open mics, it really is a group thing,
I know, you know, and then it just becomes really individual.

Speaker 1 (17:12):
There will be blood.

Speaker 2 (17:14):
It's like once you have success, you actually lose all
the camaraderie or a lot of it.

Speaker 1 (17:19):
No, it starts as a group sport. Yeah, it starts
as the most social thing, which is one. I'm actually introverted.
I'm high energy, and I have extroverted qualities, but I'm
an introvert. So I'm very fortunate that I have a
job that forces me into the world.

Speaker 2 (17:33):
Is your wife an introvert?

Speaker 1 (17:34):
No, she's an extrovert.

Speaker 2 (17:36):
So does she go off and do tons of stuff
while you stay home? No?

Speaker 1 (17:40):
It's a great question, I think, because the smartest thing
I know is that I'm wrong, meaning I think I
want to be alone, and then val will have a
Christmas party and the next day I'm just in the best.
You know, I haven't.

Speaker 2 (17:55):
Imagined that the Christmas riding.

Speaker 4 (17:58):
I knew you could have been laughing at what I
would say, bring us into what twisted thing that made
you think of whenever You're the only person that when
you laugh, I go, oh, No.

Speaker 1 (18:09):
Everyone else, I'm like, they're with me, They're understanding.

Speaker 2 (18:12):
I was literally imagining you on your knees in a
circle of dudes, like blowing all of them. But is
that intrusive thoughts? Because I see people talking about intrusive
thoughts all the time online and I'm like, I think
I have those all the time, Chelsea.

Speaker 1 (18:27):
What's interesting about intrusive thoughts? If you want to get
into spirituality, which is.

Speaker 2 (18:31):
What yes, I do. I actually that is the topic.

Speaker 1 (18:34):
I don't know if it was jokingly, but you're like,
come and talking about spirituality. I Maria Banford just did
my podcast. I understand there is a go ahead applause.
You hit the long one. Good.

Speaker 2 (18:51):
We love you, Maria. Miss Mitch miss i Mitch Mitch
Hedberg recipes. If you guys listening, know what Missy Mitchell's
you're a long holder.

Speaker 1 (19:04):
This is a big moment for you. This is a
really great it's an exciting episode for me. But you
know what, Missy Mitch is, you're alter your podcast right. Yeah,
I know. There's a diagnosable disorder called intrusive thoughts syndrome.
And I'm not disvalidating that or whatever.

Speaker 2 (19:18):
The word would be, invalidating, invalidating, thank you.

Speaker 1 (19:23):
I pushed that one. But the funny thing about it,
and what you're picking up on is who asks for
their thoughts? This is a very, i would say, nice
entryway into why I'm interested in spirituality because you're going
whose thoughts are these? Who's asking for these thoughts? Where
are they coming from? Are they me and one of

(19:45):
the great And I'm taking let's take Maria in that
disorder out of it. But to say I think, oh
my god, I got more out with Whitney commings. Whitney
was interesting, did and gave me a good listening face.

Speaker 2 (20:03):
You're not You're not. It's not what you're saying though
I'm interested. Fine, I was interested, like have you written
a book or anything?

Speaker 1 (20:19):
I have, but let me finish the book. Saying I
think thoughts is like saying I beat my heart. You
have nothing to do with it.

Speaker 2 (20:28):
Well, I think intrusive thoughts are more supposed to be
like anti social kind of I get it.

Speaker 1 (20:33):
Yeah, but what what thought did? You will up? You
know what I mean? They're just happening. Thinking is just happening.
Does that make sense? Well, I think if you're driving
in the car and you go, you can follow a
train of thought. You can kind of guide it like water,
but the water's just coming.

Speaker 2 (20:53):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (20:54):
I don't breathe my lungs and I don't think my thoughts.
Thinking happens and compulse of thinking. This is that gartole
is such a prevalent disorder. Well, you're gonna love this.
Then it's such a prevalent disorder that we don't even
know that it's a disorder. But spirituality overthinking, compulsive thinking.

(21:15):
And we know this because you meditate. I'm not a
big meditator. No, I do. I get more out of
breath work. I'm more of a breathwork in the morning.

Speaker 2 (21:26):
What kind of what is breath work? Like?

Speaker 1 (21:28):
You are a mess?

Speaker 2 (21:30):
Here's what I need, Here's what I need? I do
I do? I was literally seeking your spiritual guidance.

Speaker 1 (21:38):
That's such a tricky what a tricky pickle? I was
come give me spiritual guidance, and I'm like a landmine
laden field.

Speaker 2 (21:47):
Listen, what did I say? I said, bring some quotes?

Speaker 1 (21:49):
I didn't bring in you didn't, Well, I just gave
you one. Compulsive thinking is such a prevalent disorder. People
don't even know it exists.

Speaker 2 (21:56):
Because he was thinking to even say that and put
that to paper.

Speaker 1 (21:59):
What is silly retort?

Speaker 2 (22:01):
It is true. Anyone, any book is compulsive thinking, right,
like arguably writing a book. It's like you're compulsively putting
down word after word after word in a relentless barrage
of thinking.

Speaker 1 (22:15):
I hear you, you have to use thinking. But the
idea is the mind is a wonderful servant, but a
terrible master. So going to your mind when you need you.

Speaker 2 (22:25):
Don't believe in the servant mastered dichotomy?

Speaker 1 (22:28):
What does that mean? This is going to work? I
don't even know what button I pushed.

Speaker 2 (22:33):
Quick laugh, This isn't some wind chies.

Speaker 1 (22:38):
I'm going to surrender the idea that this is not
going to work.

Speaker 2 (22:41):
Why don't throw on the towel. No, here's what I need,
Here's what I need. Go ahead, No, I truly actually
have been feeling afloat, And it's interesting that you came
in and said that you feel kind of wrecked a
coast tall and you said, everyone you know feels that way.

Speaker 1 (23:02):
I'm running into a lot of it. But that's I
don't know a lot of people, my producer, my guest,
justin Val, my wife, some of my friends. I was like,
this is a rough time, and they agreed, Yeah, but
that's not that's not conclusive data.

Speaker 2 (23:16):
Yeah, but I wonder. I wonder, like sometimes I think,
what if this is the best life is ever going
to be and it's just going to kind of keep
getting worse, you know, like we had this global pandemic
and then we had the strikes. Stop I'm taking it's
so hot. It's so hot, I'm just sweating, Okay, So

(23:37):
you know, like what if it just continues to crumble
and these kinds of things like do you feel what's
that from? Yeah? But which you brought none? I have
so many quotes in my noodle you have, like You're like,
that's that's how confident you are. You're like, I don't
need them written down.

Speaker 1 (23:57):
If I do anyone's podcast and they talk about spirituality,
I'll probably.

Speaker 2 (24:01):
Quote five to ten people at least people.

Speaker 1 (24:04):
Wow, I mean multiple.

Speaker 2 (24:06):
Times, what female leaders spiritual thought leaders? Do you like?

Speaker 3 (24:11):
Pima?

Speaker 2 (24:12):
Huh, Pima?

Speaker 1 (24:14):
I don't. I'm not drawn. I'm just not, I guess
attracted to the Buddhist tradition as much.

Speaker 2 (24:22):
As you might think as what are you attracted to?

Speaker 1 (24:25):
Well, I love non dualism, which is the idea that
the universe is one. The old joke that Dhali a
lama goes into the pizza place, make me one with everything,
that kind of idea, the hippie cliche, I became one
with the universe. Any of this ringing a bell?

Speaker 2 (24:41):
Yeah, I mean I hear the words you're saying, but
I guess, like, I'm not sure what it means to
be one with the universe. Yeah, be in harmony.

Speaker 1 (24:49):
I don't think so. I think it's recognizing that the
fundamental nature of what you are is the fundamental nature
of the universe. Meaning Alan wats say quotes just come up.
You didn't come into this world, Chelsea, wasn't born into
the world. You came out of the world. You are
a product as natural as an apple on a tree.
You came out of it. You didn't like You're not

(25:11):
a visitor here, You're what's happening? You are? Like Another
thing that I like to say is you don't have
a life. You are life? When this is rupert spira.
When I say I am or if you say you
could do it right now, it's take two seconds. Ask yourself?
Am I aware? So ask yourself? Am I aware? And

(25:32):
look for the feeling of awareness if you want, I'll
do it. Am I aware? And you find a feeling
of being and you go, what is the nature of that?
That awareness that you are that's been there when you
were two, when you were twenty two, thirty two, forty,

(25:52):
it'll be there when you're eighty two. What doesn't change?
And it's that naked, luminous awareness. And that's fun. Is
a thought experiment. Human beings in our lives, we crave connection.
Sex is a great example sexuality. Is this why a
lot of times people after sex immediately go to their phone?

Speaker 2 (26:10):
Are you Polly?

Speaker 1 (26:11):
No? They go to their phone. Oh, I'm going to
finish this point before I tell you why I'm not polyamorous?
Is it really is that the new twenty twenty fourth thing?
You have to explain why you're not. I'd love to
tell you why I'm not polyamorous. But have you noticed
I have if you have really intimate sex, like what

(26:34):
we would call love making, not just you know, banging
it out, but you merge, right, you've had this experience.
I've had this experience. Merging means vanishing. Rupert would say,
a romantic relationship isn't a relationship. It can also become
the dissolving of relationship. That's what now mistay means. It's
like what I essentially am is what you essentially are,

(26:54):
and the boundaries are removed between us. So have you
noticed that after really boundary breaking, dissolve.

Speaker 2 (27:01):
Unifying, pounding it out, you can.

Speaker 1 (27:03):
Also pound it out, but it can also be love
making that thing where you vanish like Chelsea, isn't there
the idea of Chelsea meaning dragging your past, your story,
your problems, your concerns. It all goes away because you're
finally doing something that really takes your attention and you
go away. So often after it's done, people are very

(27:24):
quick to go to their phones or fight or talk
or watch TV because it's so vulnerable. Once you vanish,
it's you feel very exposed. So when you say you know.

Speaker 2 (27:37):
What I like to do? After sex, I usually have
a whole cake on my bed bedside, a nightstand and
a mirror, and I will get a fork, look in
the mirror at myself and I'll be like, are you here?
I'm like yes, I'm like are you present? I'm like yeah,

(28:00):
Like are you hungry? And I'm like, you know it?
You got a girl? And I go, are you going
to eat that whole cake? And I listened to the answer,
and the answer in the in the universe is yes.
Then I eat the whole cake. Staring in the mirror
like that, and over my shoulder, I see the person
that I just finished making love to, laid out, passed out,

(28:22):
completely passed out?

Speaker 1 (28:23):
Are you, Polly? What we got? What we got?

Speaker 2 (28:28):
It just doesn't feel appropriate to play sound effects during
this type of li I want it.

Speaker 1 (28:33):
I really, I know I just talked quite a bit,
but I really do want to do your podcast, so
but it's hard to I love talking about this stuff.

Speaker 2 (28:41):
Yeah, why aren't you Polly hilarious?

Speaker 1 (28:47):
The quick answer would be, because sex isn't that important
to me. I don't it's not I don't idolize sex.
I would never want to balance a checkbook of multiple
religelationships sounds like a nightmare to me. It's like having
nine plants or something like, did I water this one?
Is this one mad at me? Does this one? Wish

(29:08):
would end it with those other plants? And also, like
I used to say, I don't really feel this way anymore,
but I'm like, I'm like intellectually Polly with val meaning
we're not Polly. But my attitude towards her to kind
of take what I like the most from that movement
is I just want what's good for her. I just

(29:30):
want her to be happy and good. So that could
extend to something like that, like I don't think it would,
but it's more like I like what I get out
of being on her side more than I'm on the
side of matrimony or commitment or even meaning my vows
when we got married, was I vowed to love you irrationally?

(29:51):
You know what I mean? I don't. It's bullshit to
love somebody when they're good and being nice to or
you know what, Valley is good and nice to me,
but like we're seeking irrational love, Like somebody who can
judge you and love you when you're performing to their
standards is well, it's well, vodka. You want that top shelf,

(30:13):
you want that unconditional love, and that's what I like
about Polly. But I'm just not that interested in it,
Like another ass like that just doesn't get me so
excited that I'd be like, Okay, I'll tell my daughter
I'm at a poker game, like fuck off. Like I'm
kind of square in the regard.

Speaker 2 (30:27):
If that's now, I'd like to move on into a
new area with you here, Please would your snacking on
these days?

Speaker 1 (30:35):
No?

Speaker 2 (30:35):
I think you've had always an interesting relationship to food,
right you? Like I think last I was hanging out
with you, you were on some kind of like I
think juicing, like very hardcore juicing lifestyle.

Speaker 1 (30:49):
See that is I'm not bringing back to spirituality, but
I would say that's a misappropriated instinct, meaning like there
needs to be like a cleansing. If I was running clean,
I would be okay, and last spiritual thing. Once you
start kind of getting in touch with that awareness, you
realize there's no need for guilt or shame or fear
or anything.

Speaker 2 (31:08):
So do you eat like ding dongs and ho hos? No?

Speaker 1 (31:11):
I am if there is an addiction that I still
struggle with the most. I would say, it's it's still food,
meaning I can't have oreos in the house. I don't
understand people who have oreos in their house. How are
those like? I really think like you love oreos, I'll
mow down oreos like the body they put in Fargo.

Speaker 2 (31:33):
Like I'll see now, I wish I had oreos here.
I'd like to see that.

Speaker 1 (31:37):
It's well, I wouldn't need them.

Speaker 2 (31:40):
You wouldn't need one.

Speaker 1 (31:41):
I wouldn't need one because it would put It's like
giving a shark blood or something. It would ruin the
rest of my day.

Speaker 2 (31:48):
This is a good ad for oreos.

Speaker 1 (31:50):
Well, it's not just oreos. Sorry, Nibisco, I couldn't tell you.

Speaker 2 (31:54):
I can pretend I'm Sorrysco the same. I don't like cookies.

Speaker 1 (32:03):
I love cookies really and chips away is a salty cookie,
which is what I fucking love? Is it? Oh? Yeah,
you gotta look for it, but it's there.

Speaker 2 (32:10):
I don't like the texture if I can remember it.

Speaker 1 (32:13):
No, it's terrible. Yeah, it's like the most chemically nonsense
in the world. Here's you know what I love to
snack on? A hot take that I'll hit back to you.
I like eating peanut butter, a jar of peanut butter.
I won't eat the whole jar more than I like
eating ice cream.

Speaker 2 (32:30):
When I did Dax Shepherd's podcast, he had packets of
peanut butter and he was sucking it down like coca
cola before the podcast, sucking those down. And then I
think drinking cold brew and sucking down peanut butter, Well.

Speaker 1 (32:43):
That makes sense. Your brain runs on fat, you know.
There's a reason why they say it runs on glucose
as well. But I mean, like, I think fat helps.
So I ate a peanut butter little protein bar before this,
so putting the spiritual stuff aside, that's probably also why
I feel better. But it's a problem if I have
like good Santa Cruz dark roasted creamy peanut butter, the

(33:06):
no ster kind, I'm not stirring.

Speaker 2 (33:08):
I hate stirring. I didn't know there is a good
kind that's no star organic.

Speaker 1 (33:13):
The no ster ones, excuse me. It feels like something
you would make fun of because they just really had
like a very genuine, like involuntary like like and I
didn't get it in time. Like the ones that you
don't have to say they just have oil in them.

(33:34):
They add oil, so if you want one hundred percent peanuts, so.

Speaker 2 (33:38):
You're just eating spoons of it straight.

Speaker 1 (33:40):
I love it, and my daughter does it too interesting,
But it's incredibly high calorie. It's like drinking milkshake or
something without the sugar. But it's that's That's what I'd
be snacking on. Also, pistachios.

Speaker 2 (33:52):
I love them roasted with salt, and I love like.

Speaker 1 (33:55):
The fire roasted ones. They have different ones that are
like salt and vinegar. Those are if that's getting into
addiction town, you know, I know I'm addicted because when
I'm eating them, I ask myself, this is my little test.
I go, how many of these would be enough? And
I say never, Oh my god, And I'm not even

(34:15):
enjoying them anymore.

Speaker 2 (34:16):
That's it because I'm just like you like asking yourself questions.

Speaker 1 (34:21):
Yeah, that's good.

Speaker 2 (34:23):
Do you ever in the morning, like when your eyes
open and go, Pete, are you awake?

Speaker 1 (34:29):
Hilarious? You know what I think? Most mornings, I go,
this is so weird to be It's so weird. It's
the most crazy thing that we all just wake up.
And you're like, of course I am.

Speaker 2 (34:42):
I think it's crazy that.

Speaker 1 (34:43):
We have to sleep sleep is insane.

Speaker 2 (34:46):
One time I met this agent two models, like to
a supermodel agent, and she said that she wished that
she could just take a pill instead of eating a meal.
Wo can you imagine? Isn't that like violent? Almost?

Speaker 1 (35:03):
Valian, I have figured out very quickly that some like
people that aren't eaters, just like will never be one
hundred percent super close.

Speaker 2 (35:12):
Yeah, it's weird, right, It's like the whole breaking bread thing,
you know, it's it really is real, Like I don't
know that I have friends who don't like food.

Speaker 1 (35:21):
And having people over and cooking for them is just
so intimate and loving, and it's it's actually kind of
strange that we do it so often with strangers because
you know, when you're cooking, so much of it is
your bare hands and nice gloves. But I think where
you were going with that is like I know people
that maybe would like to do away with sleep. Yeah,

(35:44):
I can't help but spiritualize everything. The reason we love
deep sleep, meaning dreamless sleep, is because that is your
naked awareness.

Speaker 2 (35:52):
I do love dreams.

Speaker 1 (35:54):
Well, that that's an experience your then awareness is still
having a free movie.

Speaker 2 (35:59):
But yeah, I agree, but the free bow is afraid
in my case, I.

Speaker 1 (36:08):
Fucking loved it.

Speaker 2 (36:09):
Yeah, it was great.

Speaker 1 (36:10):
I think that. Yeah, I can't help it spiritualize everything.
It helped me laugh.

Speaker 2 (36:14):
Bow is Afraid is like my resting mental state. And
also the Adam Sandler one. Yeah, those are those both.
I'm like, yeah, day in the life of my brain,
that's what my brain feels like. You Now, what's interesting
is that you feel very like I. You know, I
was thinking, I'm like, I want to make Pete laugh

(36:36):
because I think you feel your energy. I'm like, I
think you feel like very philosophical. Now you didn't used
to be. This philosophical sort.

Speaker 1 (36:46):
Of happened closer. Yeah, towards towards the end of my
comedy brunch phase. And honestly, that was I wouldn't say
it's part of it. It wasn't like, oh, I'm not
having enough spiritual conversations. But once you get very interested
in that stuff. The only friends that I have, and
I don't mean I'm not putting up fences, It just

(37:08):
happens this way are interested in the nature of consciousness
and interested in encouraging We might even are you. No,
they might have different traditions. Yeah, that's exactly my point.
But these people tend to have a different frequency.

Speaker 2 (37:25):
Do you ever do laughing yoga? No?

Speaker 1 (37:29):
I laughed.

Speaker 2 (37:30):
Should we goat yoga? Ever done it? But do you
do yoga every day?

Speaker 1 (37:35):
Yoga just means union here we think it means extent.
You're right to this from a real brown guy. But yoga,
the stretches. The stretches were to help people turn their
brains off. We've turned it into kind of like a
beach body thing.

Speaker 2 (37:56):
But I think people do it to relax.

Speaker 1 (37:58):
Yeah, for sure, for sure, I'm not even putting it.

Speaker 2 (38:00):
But what is head yoga? That's what I still don't know.

Speaker 1 (38:02):
So, I mean it's it's contemplation, it's reading. It would
be like study, it would be like words teachers. Yeah,
that's what helps me.

Speaker 2 (38:10):
You're like, you're a scholar energy, you have the energy
of a scholar.

Speaker 1 (38:14):
I hate when this happens. Why only I've had this
happen before where people ask me about spiritual things, and
I think they also have the same sort of like
what is this?

Speaker 2 (38:23):
Well, I am a spiritual going on? I am spiritual,
to be clear, and I you know, oh yeah, but anyway,
but like I am spirit I mean that I have
a higher power, and that I don't think I'm in charge.
You know, I wasn't raised with religion, and so I

(38:48):
think that sometimes the risk of that is that you
think you're in charge of everything, and if you have
no nothing you believe in, then it's it's tricky because
it can become yourself is the center of the world,
you know. So my feeling about anything spirituality like movies,

(39:13):
like you know, I can't. I actually can't. There's almost
nothing I can tolerate that has no humor to it,
Like I need my spirituality to have humor to it,
and it does, thank fucking God, because I can't if
I feel like I'm trying, Like you know, like when
when I was a kid and we would go to

(39:33):
like you know, I was I'm Jewish and my dad
isn't Jewish, my mom is Jewish. And when there would
be like you know, a random satyr or something that
we would go to, I would be like, you know,
it's so serious the energy and there it's cool. I
think kids like that energy of like something spiritual and

(39:54):
ancient is happening. But on the other hand, it was
so serious and I was like, ah, it made me
one to like act up you know, and so I
just am not like, even though I am like dark,
I'm just not serious, I guess. And anyway, when I

(40:18):
was asking you to give me spiritual advice, I think
I thought, well, first of all, it's actually like not
that accessible because I don't know anyone you're talking about.

Speaker 1 (40:25):
I am interested in what spiritual advice could be other
than pointing you to your true nature.

Speaker 3 (40:33):
I mean, my.

Speaker 2 (40:33):
Spiritual advice for the listener take baths. It's very relaxing.

Speaker 1 (40:42):
Well that's that's embodying. It gets you into your body,
calms you down, but that does feel more physiological. I'm
just like, here's something I do want to say. The
ego will always choose the journey over the destination. And
I think what I'm talking about is the destination. And

(41:03):
there's always going to be like a resistance. If a
teacher is going like, come back to yourself, recognize the
true nature of your experience. We hate that we go
I'd rather you tell me breathe out of this nostril
than breathe in this nostril, or close your eyes, or
this crystal has really helped me, or this book has

(41:23):
really helped me. But trying to say well.

Speaker 2 (41:25):
I think that the those types of things, the breathing whatever,
it's like if you think of an iceberg, it's like
the tip of the iceberg is the breathing, and then
the depth of meaning behind that or what it might
what place it might take you to mentally or spiritually
might be, what's below the water, I suppose. But what

(41:47):
I'm that's trying to talk of philosophy.

Speaker 1 (41:49):
People, I liked it. I liked it. I understood you
funny right, but like getting it doesn't matter. Oh, come on,
when I asked you to ask yourself if you were aware?
That is all spiritual practice, all of it, even if
I told you to do breathing, even if I told
you to become a Buddhist or a Hindu, or a

(42:11):
Taoist or a Sikh, all of it is trying to
reintroduce to you your essence, yourself, your uppercase, s self.
And that isn't a huge iceberg under the ocean. It
isn't mysterious, it isn't philosophical. What is it that knows

(42:33):
your experience? That's the questions when they say, you know,
when it says at Delphi, who am I like the
greatest question? That you can ask who am I? It
doesn't mean I'm Chelsea. I like this. I don't like that.
It means what is it that's aware of the phenomenon
called Chelsea? Play it? What is it.

Speaker 2 (42:56):
You should have put your foot off about? I think
if I sat in a room and go, am I aware?
I don't know what that means?

Speaker 1 (43:05):
Are you aware of being? Right now?

Speaker 2 (43:07):
I mean no, I don't know.

Speaker 3 (43:10):
I don't like you.

Speaker 1 (43:12):
I think I exist, So you're aware of your existence?
That's all I mean.

Speaker 2 (43:17):
Okay, but I do think like that. Exercise just doesn't
mean the same thing to me that it means to you.

Speaker 1 (43:25):
But we didn't even do it. I just asked you
if you were aware. It doesn't matter, Chelsea. I'm glad.
I'm glad that you're doing well.

Speaker 2 (43:34):
I did say I'm doing well.

Speaker 1 (43:36):
I thought you did, did I you seem like you're
doing well.

Speaker 2 (43:42):
Thank you. Let's take one call.

Speaker 3 (43:48):
Brandis hello?

Speaker 1 (43:50):
Brandis Now?

Speaker 2 (43:52):
See a lot of times their names aren't the name
that shows up for some reason. Oh but anyway, can
you hear us?

Speaker 6 (43:59):
I can hear you?

Speaker 2 (44:00):
Is your name? Brandis my name?

Speaker 6 (44:04):
Brand?

Speaker 2 (44:04):
Oh? It really is? Brandis right?

Speaker 6 (44:10):
I've actually visited because Yeah.

Speaker 2 (44:13):
That's satisfying. You're you're here on the podcast with Pete Homes.

Speaker 1 (44:23):
Don't don't pause for a reaction.

Speaker 2 (44:25):
I'm holding for a clause. Brandis, I'm apploting.

Speaker 1 (44:32):
Thank you.

Speaker 2 (44:34):
So anyhow do you what are you doing? What do
you what do you want to ask me? And Pete?
Any advice you need? Are you what's your spirituality?

Speaker 6 (44:47):
Well, i'm calling right now. I'm actually working on some
what do you call it? Homework for my my business
class that I'm taking right now.

Speaker 1 (45:00):
What kind of business are you going to do?

Speaker 6 (45:03):
I don't know what I'll do, but the project is on.
I'm comparing capitalism and socialism, so that's pretty What is
the difference? I was actually hoping you could tell me. Yeah,
I'm doing comparing Brazil and Portugal right now.

Speaker 1 (45:22):
That's cool. It is good luck with that, all right.

Speaker 6 (45:28):
I'm freaking out that I made it through Brande.

Speaker 1 (45:34):
Chelsea's just drawing hearts on her notebook.

Speaker 2 (45:37):
This is this is part of my spiritual practice, drawing hearts.

Speaker 6 (45:43):
I've heard tell of the heart.

Speaker 1 (45:44):
Oh, it's a real thing.

Speaker 2 (45:46):
Have you ever did you ever use to listen to
Pete's podcast back in the day, I very much did.

Speaker 3 (45:55):
Well.

Speaker 2 (45:56):
I was talking about when me and Pete would do
it together.

Speaker 1 (45:59):
You're just like, obviously you've dropped off.

Speaker 6 (46:04):
I mean, I've kind of dropped off in most podcasts
at this point.

Speaker 1 (46:08):
But I'm hard at work.

Speaker 2 (46:10):
Yeah, is it just oversaturated ainely good time for me
to reboot my podcast?

Speaker 6 (46:21):
Yeah, the perfect moment.

Speaker 2 (46:23):
I just restarted it. And it's literally like the time
of the downfall of the podcast I think it started.

Speaker 3 (46:30):
Yeah, they.

Speaker 2 (46:33):
I'm going to single handedly revitalize the podcast. Here was
my whole pandemic. Like basically, you'll be like, hey, do
you want to hang out? And everyone's like, I'm recarding
a podcast. Like everyone I knew was just always recording
a podcast at all times, and I was like, this
is so weird. And then anyways, so then all those
people did podcasts for the last three four years and

(46:55):
now it's all like kind of a little bit dying off,
I think. And then that's when I decided to reintroduce myself.
But so you stopped listening to podcasts. What do you
do for fun now? Brandish not a ton.

Speaker 6 (47:12):
Let's see. I like to go to a restaurant.

Speaker 2 (47:15):
Actually, food tests is a big part of my Oh,
I have a good food test for you.

Speaker 3 (47:21):
You ready.

Speaker 1 (47:23):
This is a moment.

Speaker 2 (47:25):
This is controversial, Pete. I'm curious. Actually I meant to
ask you your taste on this as well. Okay, I'm
going to say the food. I'm going to play a
gem role, and then you say if the food is
good or bad? Are you ready?

Speaker 6 (47:42):
I'm ready.

Speaker 2 (47:44):
Lemon bars.

Speaker 1 (47:51):
I didn't even have to think about that.

Speaker 4 (47:56):
Bad bad?

Speaker 1 (47:58):
Wow.

Speaker 2 (48:00):
Wow, we're all in agreement.

Speaker 1 (48:02):
Yea horrible.

Speaker 2 (48:04):
We're all in agreement.

Speaker 1 (48:06):
Every time I get a lemon bar on lemon well,
lemon meringue pie is delicious, exactly lemon bars.

Speaker 2 (48:18):
It's a texture, It's exactly what it is. So like,
I love tart, I love lemon, but lemon bars, you
know how I don't about them. You know I don't
like soup. It's like lemon bars have a similar eating
experiences soup. Do you love soup?

Speaker 1 (48:35):
Pea, No, But if I had to guess, I would
think you were a big soup person.

Speaker 3 (48:45):
Oh my god, I could see you and serious, I
hate it.

Speaker 2 (49:02):
I think it's just the texture of eating soup is
very boring. That said, I do like a few soups.
Gospat show The Koreans, listen. No guspacho is delicious when
done right, it shouldn't be creamy, in my opinion, very refreshing.
You would love it as a juicer, as a past

(49:24):
juicer a PJ. Yeah, so so that soup is good.
I do like the Korean bone broth soup. You know,
the beef in it and the little you put rice
in it and salt and kimchi and that's really good.
But anyway, yeah, lemon bars. I feel like John Early

(49:44):
and my brother and some people have tried to convince
me that lemon bars are amazing and I just.

Speaker 1 (49:53):
But mine's not because of the texture. I think they're
too tart. It's not sweet enough. It's just gross.

Speaker 6 (49:58):
Yeah, I find them very grainy.

Speaker 2 (50:03):
You're wrong, just kidding if I We're like all on
the same page, and then I'm like, no brandis anyway.
I do like the flavor, but it's kind of like
lemon curd, Like people like, give you a jar of
lemon curd. It's like, where do you go from here?

Speaker 6 (50:20):
You know a sandwich where they put lemon flave. I
want to tell you about my breakfast sandwich experience.

Speaker 2 (50:31):
Okay, fine, go ahead.

Speaker 6 (50:36):
Lemon curd on on the English muscind that it came
on and it was I have to say it wasn't
as sad as I thought it would be. But it's
not something that I would see myself getting.

Speaker 2 (50:48):
What are you talking about? Breakfast sandwiches?

Speaker 6 (50:52):
Sandwich had lemon curd on it, but so what else
was in it? Like a baked egg, really soft eggs, bacon,
and I think they had some kind of cheese and
lemon curd.

Speaker 2 (51:07):
Yeah that sounds insane. I do like a salty sweet,
but I would need like jam, strawberry jams, sharp cheddar, bacon, eggs.
I would eat that, would you? No? Pete says no.
Pete says no.

Speaker 6 (51:24):
No, Well he doesn't like lemon bars?

Speaker 2 (51:26):
So what do you eat for breakfast? Pete?

Speaker 1 (51:31):
Today? I had? I usually eat eggs, just eggs, what.

Speaker 2 (51:35):
Type of eggs, scrambled eggs, no cheese.

Speaker 1 (51:38):
No cheese, nothing else really just scrambled eggs. The salt
had it, well, yeah, salt salting all well, but I
made my daughter and I kind of like a ty
curry lentil with coconut milk this morning for breakfast with
cauliflowers breaks.

Speaker 2 (51:58):
I'm thinking about making lentils.

Speaker 1 (52:00):
There was nothing in the house brandis there was nothing
in the house, and like I don't take a breakfast.
It's great. Honestly, if I was listening, I would love
this tip. Get red lentils because they cook really fast.
Cook them in veggie stock once all the liquids evaporated.
Add some light coconut milk just to taste, and peanut
butter and stir it up and salt or like Amno's.

(52:21):
It's fucking dope and it's so easy to make.

Speaker 2 (52:24):
I'm literally just bought red lentils to make tonight. But
I'm gonna do it in chicken broth. Do not eat meat.

Speaker 1 (52:33):
I do eat a little meat now, yes, but chicken
broth is a great idea.

Speaker 2 (52:36):
And then I'm gonna put some spinach yeap in it
and some other things. It's kind of a rue. I think.

Speaker 1 (52:44):
I like any excuse to eat like a coconut peanut
taste and then put hot sauce on it. It's incredible.

Speaker 2 (52:50):
You know what I like?

Speaker 1 (52:51):
You know what I like? You know what I like?

Speaker 2 (52:54):
Peat? Here's what I like. Dan Dan noodles. Yeah, there
you go, sesame noodles.

Speaker 1 (53:07):
Yeah, there you go.

Speaker 2 (53:11):
A pesto.

Speaker 1 (53:15):
What about because you add on to that beef soup
you were talking about. That's that's real nice.

Speaker 2 (53:21):
That beef soup actually has a thin white noodle in it.
Do you do you go to marugame whatever it is?
That's like an l A spot Brandon. I hung up
on her accidentally.

Speaker 6 (53:45):
Hello, Oh my.

Speaker 2 (53:48):
God, Vicky is this Vicky? I just oh sorry, sorry, Mom,
Sorry Mom, I just hung up on brand It's on accident.
The last caller. I was like, sort of like, I
don't know what I was thinking, but I was like Brandez,
and as I said it, she was so sweet and

(54:12):
so excit couldn't have been nicer, couldn't have been nicer.
But I accidentally fully hung up. We're here with Pete Holmes.
What do you think about lemon bars?

Speaker 5 (54:22):
I do love lemon bars. I had some from Trader
Josten to your podcast and I got some nice.

Speaker 2 (54:30):
You wait, wait, wait, wait, what's the tie between the
podcast and treader Joe's.

Speaker 5 (54:34):
Because you were talking about lemon the other day? You
were you had like a whole podcast about lemon.

Speaker 2 (54:39):
You're right, I do love lemon. However, unfortunately I don't
like lemon bars.

Speaker 5 (54:46):
Oh my God, what about chicken pacata with lemon?

Speaker 2 (54:49):
Sure?

Speaker 1 (54:51):
I made some.

Speaker 5 (54:51):
It was really good.

Speaker 2 (54:52):
Did you have that? And then lemon bars for dessert?
And a little glass of lemonade?

Speaker 5 (54:58):
Not lemonade? No, we had wine. Can I ask you something?

Speaker 2 (55:03):
Please do God, for the love of God. It would
be the first question anyone's asked me in this conversation
besides do you exist? Okay?

Speaker 1 (55:14):
Are you aware?

Speaker 3 (55:15):
All right?

Speaker 2 (55:16):
So what's the question, sir?

Speaker 5 (55:19):
I listen. I'm a huge fan of your podcast. I
listen to it all the time. You will never forget
you had a segment where it was like pizza or
mac and cheese, and you chose mac and cheese for
every time. Do you still feel the same way?

Speaker 2 (55:33):
Collar largely? Yeah. I mean, here's here's my logic.

Speaker 1 (55:43):
You'd rather be spooning pizza.

Speaker 2 (55:46):
You don't spoon mac and cheese.

Speaker 7 (55:48):
You fork it, yes, spooningo, shoveling shoable.

Speaker 1 (56:00):
You're out there picking it off like a sniper.

Speaker 2 (56:03):
I'm taking out a fork full and jam and fork
fulls down my bullet.

Speaker 1 (56:07):
That's some salad chip. You spoon mac and cheese.

Speaker 2 (56:10):
Listen, I here's the deal. Pizza. I just don't think
it's as exciting as everyone thinks it is. Yeah, like
New York slice, and then you go and it's just like, Okay,
it's tomato sauce, it's fucking dope. Some cheese like cool, Yeah,
New York size, it's fine, but people like, no, the

(56:31):
fucking slices it this spot and then like I don't know,
like hunting for it and stuff, and like at the
end of the day, you know, there's very few pizzas
that have excited me crazily. And one was at a
restaurant that doesn't exist anymore in New York called Five Points,
I believe, and they had Yukon gold potatoes thinly slice.

Speaker 1 (56:53):
Cut to.

Speaker 2 (56:55):
What's that?

Speaker 1 (56:56):
Someone gets that reference The movie Gangs of New York
is about the five.

Speaker 2 (57:00):
Ramped up and a piece won't paint boon. That was
my Kings of New York empression with it.

Speaker 1 (57:10):
I'm with it.

Speaker 2 (57:13):
But anyway, that pizza was good. It had thinly slid
potato and truffle and no tomato sauce, and I thought
it was amazing.

Speaker 1 (57:21):
But you know, you don't like pizza, yeah, because that
was like more of a cracker.

Speaker 2 (57:24):
No, it was like a white pizza. You know, but
but yeah, it's like not not a margarito, that's for sure.
I did try Pizzaia say here in Los Angeles. You
ever had it?

Speaker 6 (57:35):
S e I.

Speaker 2 (57:38):
It was very good, So that something like that does
tip the thing. And here's my other thing about mac
and cheese. Collar are you still there?

Speaker 5 (57:47):
I'm yet.

Speaker 2 (57:52):
First first time collar, zero time listener? What okay? So anyway,
the point being, what is the point. Oh yeah, mac
and cheese inconsistent, very inconsistent. A lot of different things.

Speaker 1 (58:12):
Wait a minute, called mac and cheese. They have the
time when you ordered mac and cheese. This is this
is something I think about all the time. We were
at a restaurant. We're at the Aspen Film Festival to
do comedy though, remember so it wasn't that cool?

Speaker 2 (58:31):
Yes, no, I actually literally just found that in an email.
Really oh no, no, never mind, that was Sundance. It
was Sundance, okay, because I was like I went to Sundance.
I literally forgot.

Speaker 1 (58:42):
But we were outsiders because like you think you got
a Sundance.

Speaker 3 (58:45):
You have a movie.

Speaker 1 (58:46):
We were just like these weird comedian It was a
web show. It was bad. It wasn't bad, but it
wasn't exciting, It wasn't elitist. It wasn't elite, and you
want to be like a puffy jacket, you know. Fun guys.

Speaker 2 (58:56):
Do you remember the gifting suite?

Speaker 6 (58:58):
I do.

Speaker 2 (58:59):
They were like, you can go in this gifting suite,
but you can't have any of the good stuff like
they were like, you can choose like the lean chain
or so dear.

Speaker 1 (59:08):
Yeah, that was a really humbling experience. But we went
to get lunch and Daniel Kellison, I remember, yeah there anyway.

Speaker 2 (59:16):
And the food was from the John and Vinnies.

Speaker 1 (59:18):
Guys, right, maybe this restaurant was near the ski slopes
and you got mac and cheese and it came out.
I hope you're not embarrassed by this. I think you'll
stand by it.

Speaker 2 (59:29):
I think I call her. Are you still there?

Speaker 3 (59:32):
Oh my god, God bless you.

Speaker 1 (59:34):
You can chime in on this to collar you got
it and you said it's cold on the top, like
you touched it. And then I said, I bet it's
piping hot underneath, as is the way with mac and cheese.
And I said, you edit this out if you don't
like it, I go just stir it up.

Speaker 2 (59:51):
You said, this is a quote oh God, I shouldn't
have to, and you sent it back. Well, I still
stand by that, love that you're so scared, I'll be mortified.
I stand by that shouldn't be cold on top.

Speaker 1 (01:00:04):
I made mac and cheese two nights ago, and I
put it in a bowl and by the time I
got it to the couch it was cold on top,
and I stirred it. Because I'm not associopath.

Speaker 2 (01:00:13):
That is such a funny. I have zero shame about that.

Speaker 1 (01:00:20):
Well, I'm glad because I don't want to shame you,
but I.

Speaker 2 (01:00:21):
Do think that you think I should be.

Speaker 1 (01:00:24):
I think that's insane.

Speaker 2 (01:00:26):
Color. Let's let's have you weigh after the drum roll.
You weigh in on this, ready, drum roll?

Speaker 1 (01:00:52):
Is it insane? Oh? For the mac and cheese?

Speaker 6 (01:00:55):
Yes?

Speaker 5 (01:00:57):
Oh, now I think you I mean, no, suring it
it's probably right.

Speaker 2 (01:01:02):
Yeah, but do you you think it should be cold
on top? When it comes to you rest if it's cold.

Speaker 5 (01:01:06):
On top and piping on the bottle, was it like
ice cold?

Speaker 1 (01:01:10):
Yeah? It was not ice cold.

Speaker 2 (01:01:12):
You said it was cold, and we're in an icy climate.

Speaker 1 (01:01:15):
Okay, I'll say, let's say it's on ice cold on top, but.

Speaker 2 (01:01:19):
House fucking dare you?

Speaker 3 (01:01:21):
How dare you side.

Speaker 1 (01:01:24):
Trying to?

Speaker 2 (01:01:26):
I think once you listen to this whole episode, you'll
wish you sided with.

Speaker 1 (01:01:32):
So this is dynamic.

Speaker 5 (01:01:35):
You had Air mac and Cheese.

Speaker 2 (01:01:38):
Yes, I certainly have. And what's weird is it's inconsistent because,
first of all, the description says it's made with whole
wheat pasta. It does not seem like it is right that.

Speaker 1 (01:01:52):
At one in this podcast, I was like, I just
don't really like small talking. As soon as I stopped talking,
you were like, let's do the real show. What's your consultines?
Only when you're sick or.

Speaker 2 (01:02:02):
You're around like you do seem happier, but you're not.
You're miserable.

Speaker 1 (01:02:05):
No, no, no, I'm I'm happier both times. Really, I'm
more juiced. I would call this juiced.

Speaker 2 (01:02:12):
Mmm, coller, don't you think it seems like it it
isn't made with whole wheat foster, even though they say
it is.

Speaker 5 (01:02:21):
I don't know the difference, but I that's that's my
favorite Mac and cheese is the Air one. I don't
really like mac and cheese, but that.

Speaker 2 (01:02:27):
One it's very creamy, It's very creemy.

Speaker 5 (01:02:30):
Very creamy. That's what I like about it because I
remember you said you like craft mac and cheese, and
I just can't. I can't. I can't do that.

Speaker 2 (01:02:36):
I like a large swath. Pete's fully just on his
email now he's given up. It's to be fair. We're
in like an hour five and we need to turn
this right around because we haven't banked any podcasts.

Speaker 5 (01:02:46):
Can I ask one more thing?

Speaker 2 (01:02:49):
Yes?

Speaker 5 (01:02:49):
Go please? Yeah, Before you were a successful comedian, did
you have a day job in what was it or
any type of day job or different day jobs I did.

Speaker 2 (01:03:00):
I wrote for a video game for a while in
New York with a few comedians Curtis Gwynn, Victor Barnardo,
Roger Hale.

Speaker 5 (01:03:11):
That for me is like a successful like writing job.
You know, I'm talking about like I was a temp.

Speaker 2 (01:03:18):
I was a temp.

Speaker 1 (01:03:20):
Before.

Speaker 5 (01:03:21):
I mean they sent you out places.

Speaker 2 (01:03:22):
Yeah, like secretarial temp work.

Speaker 3 (01:03:26):
I got it.

Speaker 5 (01:03:27):
I had had a work in the customer service.

Speaker 2 (01:03:30):
I did work at this little organization, No I did.
I you know, I used to live in Philly briefly,
and I was like a waitress at a hotel where
no one tipped and I had to get up at
like six in the morning something like that.

Speaker 5 (01:03:47):
That's you know, I worked at a hotel. I don't know.
I'm sorry if this is not interesting, but I did
work at the hotel for six years, and I worked
at graveyard shift, so I feel you on that.

Speaker 2 (01:03:55):
Yeah, no one tips, because internationally not everyone tips.

Speaker 1 (01:03:59):
I know.

Speaker 5 (01:03:59):
Yeah, no, I got not tis. One time someone gave
me a big Greg Goose bottle and that was that
was very good.

Speaker 2 (01:04:05):
Yeah, So any other questions before we say goodbye, I
will just say this.

Speaker 5 (01:04:20):
Can I say two quick things?

Speaker 2 (01:04:21):
Yes?

Speaker 5 (01:04:21):
Sorry?

Speaker 2 (01:04:22):
No? Please? Do that's welcome.

Speaker 5 (01:04:24):
Is it always going to be like this when you
call in and you have to keep calling like a
radio kind of contest.

Speaker 2 (01:04:30):
Versus what you want to schedule something?

Speaker 5 (01:04:34):
I remember? I feel like I remember last time I
tried to call in, it was like I got put
on hold.

Speaker 2 (01:04:39):
Interesting? What was your other question?

Speaker 5 (01:04:42):
Just quickly? I know you scrapped a lot of the episodes,
but is one of the best of it's going to
be the Angie Martinez episode where you played her?

Speaker 2 (01:04:51):
Hmmm, I'm not sure you know I met Do you
know that I met her?

Speaker 3 (01:04:56):
Thank you?

Speaker 2 (01:04:57):
Yeah, I met Angie Martinez on some kind of cooking
show or something. I think she was really nice. And
then I was like, it's weird when you do like
an impression of someone and then you meet them, or
like you ever have that where you do a joke
about someone and then you meet them.

Speaker 5 (01:05:12):
Yeah, but I feel like she would like it.

Speaker 3 (01:05:14):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (01:05:15):
I think she was super nice. I don't know if
she knew about it or not, but if she did,
she was.

Speaker 5 (01:05:20):
Like, you know, if you didn't do it again, but
if you just did like a re release, I think
that could be cool.

Speaker 2 (01:05:24):
Okay, I'll think about that one.

Speaker 5 (01:05:26):
Thank you, Okay, thank you so much.

Speaker 1 (01:05:29):
Oh. I was just gonna say I had a very
when in my first three years of stand up I
had a joke about Rachel Ray and how shiny sunshiny
she was and what would happen if she cut herself.
Years later, I realized I'm ripping off Dan Aykroyd's Julia
Child sketch. I didn't realize that at the time, obviously,
but anyway, it was very mild, but it was like,
you know, she's so sweet, what if she cut herself

(01:05:50):
into basically like motherfucker? It's like that. Yeah, And then
she did crashing my TV show and she was just
so nice, and we ended up going over a place
of eating one of the best meals of our lives,
became friends with them. It was a linguini with I
remember I had breadcrumbs on it. That's all I remember.
Very simple but delicious, and their house was beautiful. Anyway,

(01:06:15):
when after that dinner, I became very paranoid that my
new friend would see this bit. It would have been fine,
but I did go like, I can't that she's a
person now why would she? And I was sort of
making fun of her for being like, I'm like, she's
a phony. I didn't say that, but isn't that the joke?
You're like, she's being so nice, but she's probably tough
as now.

Speaker 2 (01:06:35):
Yes, no, I think like doing stand up. When you're
in your twenties and you live in New York, it
feels like absolutely nothing is off limits because yeah, yeah,
Hollywood and actors, she'll never seemed like a million miles away.
Let me move here, and it just does start to
feel like I'm probably gonna spe it.

Speaker 1 (01:06:52):
Like I used to have a joke about how like
I did a joke about how a movie I saw sucked,
And this happened twice. Someone yelled at you make a movie, right,
And I was like, that's how many people here make movies?
And then I wrote a joke about that.

Speaker 2 (01:07:07):
They probably were like a gaffer on that movie or something,
And I was like, why do I have to be
able to know how to make a movie to say
I didn't like it?

Speaker 1 (01:07:15):
It's not how the world?

Speaker 2 (01:07:16):
Because you know, it's like I think, once you have
experienced how like brutal it is true, make it. You're like, well,
don't just be flipping about it.

Speaker 1 (01:07:23):
You fucking maybe watch it again. Yeah, but it's true.
You make fun of somebody and then they're at.

Speaker 2 (01:07:29):
The show, and then it's like you have a kid,
and like it's sort of like, oh my god, I'm
making fun of someone who's someone's kid.

Speaker 1 (01:07:34):
Yeah that's true. Like I just feel like I had
the joke on my last special. I had a joke
about how I like being soft, like my body is soft,
and I'm kind of making fun of skinny people, thinking
that was kind of like fair game, but just using
them examples, nothing is. And I just said Gwyneth Paltrow,
I was like, you hug me like you sink into
me like a mattress. There's no healing with Gwyneth Paltrow,

(01:07:56):
and then somebody after the show was like, that's somebody's kid,
and I was like, all I'm saying, she's skinny. Isn't
that fair?

Speaker 2 (01:08:02):
Yeah?

Speaker 1 (01:08:03):
And I cut it. It's because of that.

Speaker 2 (01:08:04):
Wow, you did cut it.

Speaker 1 (01:08:05):
I did cut it.

Speaker 3 (01:08:06):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (01:08:07):
See. But that's the thing I feel like, that's that's
where I'm now so confused, because I'm just like, I
don't know what I think is fair game anymore, you know,
And like the younger generation, way younger, not like the
people who are poking holes in every type of joke,
but like much younger, like teenagers. They're like watching old

(01:08:27):
roast jokes online on TikTok and shit, and there's not
even roasts anymore because people don't like people like. It's
like not of this time. You know, it's true, but
it makes me think the next generation is going to
be very different than what's going on now.

Speaker 1 (01:08:42):
But all of that energy that's not being serviced by
the dark. When I say dark, I don't mean bad.
I just mean like, roasts are a way to exercise darkness.
It's beautiful. It's like, let's just be awful. Yeah, you know,
I say this a lot, But tribes in the Amazon
hundreds of year to go putting on masks that look
like a devil and they'd run around and then you know,

(01:09:04):
pe on you or punch you, do nuts that be
the devil for the night. We have a need for
that stuff. Yeah, Halloween exactly. Performance are in the sixties
where you go in and someone just pooping in a
bucket and screaming Hitler like we Ggllen exactly. Gg Allen
is a great example. This generation is saying no to those,
but they will find their way, and it'll probably be

(01:09:25):
in the metaverse, you know what I mean. Yeah, private
rooms in the metaverse where someone's like burning you or
whatever it is, they'll find a way. There's no escaping
your shadow. Trust me. Take it from a formal fundament
a former fundamentalist Christian. You can act like everything offends
you and you have no darkness. You gotta find a

(01:09:45):
way to let it out. It could be horror movie.
Look at that's what I think is so interesting, this
generation that's so offended, which I understand, I'm not taking
that away. Also, look at how huge horror is the
biggest genre, and so what's going on is it's just moving.
We used to be okay with it being a comedian
saying it. Now it needs to be somebody playing pretending

(01:10:07):
to be someone who doesn't exist and a demon who
doesn't exist. We used to say, like, we'll be the demons,
same shit. It's the same shit, and they'll find their
own way.

Speaker 2 (01:10:17):
Coller, Yes, what's your retort?

Speaker 1 (01:10:24):
How do you refuse?

Speaker 5 (01:10:26):
I do have one question that might tie into this.
Oh good, and I'm so sorry if you've covered this,
I don't know if you have. Maybe you can answer
that as well. Gypsy Rose, do you have big thoughts
on her? Are you happy she's out? Are you following
the Lord? I'm not about her.

Speaker 2 (01:10:41):
I'm not following the Lord tightly. No, Like she was
the girl that's mom made her had all these illnesses
and oh then Pictusha Arcuat played her mom, right, Yeah.

Speaker 1 (01:10:51):
Yeah, I saw that.

Speaker 5 (01:10:52):
And now, like TikTok in this generation has she's like
our new hero? Why where they have to Beyonce song?
Because she was in prison falsely and I feel like
she was finally free.

Speaker 2 (01:11:02):
And wait, why was she in prison? Forget the mom
or the daughter?

Speaker 5 (01:11:06):
No, the mom, the daughter was in prison because she
was like she had a boyfriend and she convinced him
to kill her mother, so both of them went to prison.

Speaker 2 (01:11:15):
Oh wow, I forgot that.

Speaker 5 (01:11:17):
Yes, but but everyone's like, she shouldn't have been in
prison because she was suffering her whole life. Right, she
was in a prison already, so why right, help you know,
but she was in prison for ten years. She actually
served the whole thing. So now she's finally out.

Speaker 2 (01:11:32):
I'm gonna tell you something.

Speaker 5 (01:11:34):
Let's get tipsy for gypsy. Gypsy Roses, free my mother.
You know, like everyone's so happ finally free.

Speaker 2 (01:11:40):
Well look what your generation did with Britney Spears.

Speaker 3 (01:11:43):
You freed her.

Speaker 2 (01:11:44):
Now look well we got ourselves into a bit of
a pickle. So I'm just let that be a cautionary dale. No,
but you know, it's just I have two things to
say about that. One, you should watch this documentary my
friend Joshua Fay made called Loss for Life, and it's
about youth with life sentences and most of them were
horribly abused and killed their abuser or horribly abused and

(01:12:07):
then became violent themselves. And it's very thought provoking about that.
And also if you look at like battered women who
then kill the husband. That's also illegal. You know, it's
not self defense unless in the very moment right like
someone is holding a gun to your temper.

Speaker 1 (01:12:25):
Was a stranger, Like if a stranger came in your
house and started beating it, you could kill him. But
if it's your partner.

Speaker 2 (01:12:32):
But if it's I guess if your husband's hitting you
in the moment, you could shoot them. No, probably not.
I don't know, but I think I remember in the
past being outraged by these kinds of laws that it's like,
it feels like self defense doesn't apply to children and
women or something like that.

Speaker 1 (01:12:49):
Yeah, I think you might be onto something anyway.

Speaker 2 (01:12:51):
I don't know if Gypsy Rose is my hero, but
you're saying she's yours.

Speaker 5 (01:12:57):
I feel like she's up there, you know. You know
it's so exciting because it is a new year, and
so we're waiting to see what's going to happen with her,
right you know, there's a lot of jokes on there
of like, oh, she's gonna be on Dancing with the Stars.
You know, she's going to be on Traders, you know,
the new season. So I don't I don't think that's
going to happen, But I do think that she is
going to have some kind of fame this year, But

(01:13:19):
I just hope it doesn't go bad.

Speaker 1 (01:13:21):
You know.

Speaker 2 (01:13:22):
Well, I'll think about it. I'll watch a couple of
tiktoks and see if I can muster.

Speaker 5 (01:13:27):
Tiktoks are so funny, Chelsey, Okay, but.

Speaker 2 (01:13:30):
See, I can't tell if you're being serious that you
really look up to this person or if it's like
all of little bit.

Speaker 5 (01:13:36):
Well it's it's somewhere in between. But I am happy
for her, you know, because you know, she was just
she was mistreated her whole life, you know, and now
and then she was in prison, and she's probably happier
in prison than with the mom, you know. Right now.
But now here's the thing. She has a husband that
she met in prison, like through like letters or something,
so like I don't know about that, but she does

(01:13:56):
have a husband. Now it looks like she's happy. But
I guess time will tell.

Speaker 2 (01:14:00):
Time will tell. You know, this episode is interesting. It's
almost like a Charlie Rose interview mixed with you talking
about Gypsy wrote anyway, well, listen, it really is time
to go. I've this has been a long, long one.
I actually forgot to do phone calls.

Speaker 5 (01:14:19):
My bad, but thank you for thank you for letting
me talk. My birthdays next week and this is a
great birthday.

Speaker 2 (01:14:27):
Oh, happy birthday, thank you, thank you?

Speaker 1 (01:14:31):
All right?

Speaker 2 (01:14:34):
Happy bird hat?

Speaker 1 (01:14:36):
Do you get that? Because sometimes your phone changes it
to bird.

Speaker 2 (01:14:40):
I never, I don't think I've had that.

Speaker 1 (01:14:42):
You have to misspell it. Yeah, it'll be like bird hat.

Speaker 2 (01:14:45):
Happy bird hat. I guess that's it. I actually have
to do jury duty soon. Possibly we'll see.

Speaker 1 (01:14:55):
I feel like, let's see, well is where it.

Speaker 7 (01:15:01):
It is.

Speaker 8 (01:15:03):
Between you and I just cannot pretend to see what
I do not see.

Speaker 1 (01:15:15):
Oh, Mike, and you just have that.

Speaker 2 (01:15:18):
This is all I heart, Like, I can't use my
old sounds because I only have the iHeart.

Speaker 1 (01:15:23):
Yeah, that's just it.

Speaker 2 (01:15:25):
Oh wait, hold on, I'll do my other thing that
I like to do, cars reaching out. That's that's me.
And then here goes Pete