September 30, 2024 • 50 mins
There are so many ways to satisfy your partner in the bedroom, and while sex toys can be super promiscuous and fun, they're not for everyone.
Jess & Camilla are joined by D*!do Duchess Zoë Ligon and she's sharing how to use them safely, their importance and why consent is absolutely essential.
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
Call It what It Is with Jessica Capshaw and Camil Luddington,
an iHeartRadio podcast.
Speaker 2 (00:16):
Hello, Hello, Hello.
Speaker 1 (00:19):
Hello, Call It crew. We have a very special episode
for you today that we're very excited about. We teased
it out and so many of you guys wrote in is.
Speaker 3 (00:29):
Juicy, Juicy, juicy, I'm ready for all of it. I
can't wait to see what we learn.
Speaker 1 (00:33):
It is about sex choice, it's about sex, it's about
conversations around sex. It's about all the different things we're
feeling and inside, outside thinking.
Speaker 3 (00:46):
And we went to Zoe, who is a celebrated sex educator.
She's a journalist, and she is a dildo duchess.
Speaker 1 (00:53):
She's a dildo duchess.
Speaker 3 (00:55):
We're gonna find out about that. I need to start there.
Maybe we start there.
Speaker 1 (00:59):
Yes, we're gonna be you guys got vulnerable with us.
We're going to be getting vulnerable with you guys on
this episode, and we're gonna dive straight in. Let's let's
bring in our dildo duchess.
Speaker 2 (01:10):
Thanks for having me.
Speaker 3 (01:11):
We're both very excited about this episode.
Speaker 2 (01:14):
Me too. Well.
Speaker 3 (01:15):
I'm Jessica, nice to meet you.
Speaker 1 (01:19):
I'm Camilla. We have teased out Jessica and I went
to Chicago recently and we were in front of a
in a conference room full of fans, and they said,
what is the most exciting episode you have coming up?
And we teased this episode out. I said, our homework
is test driving sex toys.
Speaker 3 (01:40):
It someone has to do it. And by the way,
we were there and after this, after the convention, we
went to dinner and we're sitting there at dinner and
Camilla looks at her phone and breaks into laughter because.
Speaker 1 (01:56):
My husband texts me and he was like, your vibrators came.
Speaker 3 (01:59):
Okay, I remember is is? When I looked at your phone,
it was just a picture of the vibrator box. And then, uh,
I think he said, a vibrator came for you in
the mail.
Speaker 1 (02:09):
I think I think he knew, he knew it was coming.
He did know what was coming.
Speaker 3 (02:13):
Oh see, I thought it was a total surprise.
Speaker 1 (02:15):
Are you kidding? I've been banging on about this episode
for weeks now.
Speaker 2 (02:18):
I hope it came discreetly, because you know, sometimes beta.
Speaker 3 (02:23):
And also just to go back to where our curiosity started,
or where my curiosity started, was when we first started
the podcast. One of our very early episodes because I
think when you start this kind of thing, you know,
we talk a lot about we started as actresses, and
so often you kind of like guard information or you
just don't want to be so intimate or bring like
the super personal stories. And in the beginning of the podcast,
(02:44):
we realize, you know, for sure, that's the most important
part of this all is how we're connected, and we
really we we connect over vulnerability and being able to
talk about things and in a in a in a
in a real way. And so one of the first
stories that I told that I was definitely I felt
like a little on tender hooks telling because I just
hadn't in a public way before I had talked about
(03:05):
you know what, I'm going to buy a vibrator and
asking and feeling like nervous and not sure what to
ask and just didn't you actually even want to talk
or make eye contact with anyone. And then once I
finally could get through the experience of being in a
sex toy shop and buying a vibrator, that as I
got to the cash register, I completely just jumped off
(03:28):
my train of confidence and asked them to gift wrap
it because clearly it wasn't for me. It was obviously
for someone else. So I'm wondering if you gift wrap
in your shop.
Speaker 2 (03:39):
So we're an online store and everything comes like wrapped
in tissue paper, so we're not generally gift wrapping individual items.
But I used to work in a brick and mortar
ten years ago in Soho, so I had my share
of experiences with people, you know, even been remembering my
(04:00):
own experience being eighteen going into a sex toy store.
I mean, now I sell them and it is my wheelhouse,
but I remember that first time being like, get me
out of here. I don't want to think about what
all these different things do. And it wasn't that I
didn't have a comfort around sex, but obviously sex education
(04:22):
does not teach you about that. You're lucky if you
get any level of comprehensive sex ed. But you know,
what does that like looking at a harness thinking about
all those things. Oh, no, here's the butt toy section.
What like? It just opens all these portals if you're
walking in. And I think I was just getting novelty
(04:43):
handcuffs for a college roommate at the time, and then
I was just like, oh my goodness.
Speaker 1 (04:48):
No, I still when I walk into a sex store
and with my husband, I feel intimidated because I still
don't know, oh how half the things work. I don't
know how you find out they work, other than maybe
asking the person that works there, which is feels weird.
(05:09):
The only one I remember really back in the day,
even knowing the name of was the Rabbit, And I
feel like maybe that's because Sex and the City made
it for sure, right, And it's like everyone you know
that was like that was my first ever sex toy
because it made it feel like it was okay to
get that wand like it had had you know, pop culture.
The girl's had it, well, I could get it and
(05:30):
it was okay.
Speaker 3 (05:31):
By the way the girl's done the things that I
never did just weer clear.
Speaker 2 (05:35):
Also, the Magic Wand is another one.
Speaker 3 (05:37):
Oh I think that is actually the real og, right,
that's like, yeah, yeah, the real og Rabbit, Magic Wand.
Speaker 1 (05:44):
Yes these are. But there's so many new toys out there,
and I'm lost, and I'm forty, and I don't want
to be lost. I want to know. And and the
crew they've sent us in questions and everything for today,
but they they're curious. They want to know too, So
I want to ask you first because your nickname is
the dildo Duchess, which is incredible. How that name.
Speaker 2 (06:08):
I was just like, that's an alliteration. I really like it.
I love dildos. I really love talking about them too,
because I think that not to like get into the
weeds so early on, but I like a lot of
toys that I think the average person is like, ew,
who would use that? Ew? And especially when I was
(06:29):
working in a brick and mortar, I had a lot
of time being like, actually, me, you know, something that's
like larger or longer, or like has a crazy texture
on it. I found that those were things that were
getting really knee jerk shocking reactions from people. And you know,
I had literally have so many sex toys in my
house that I periodically will donate on opened ones to
(06:51):
like LGBTQ plus organizations or sex work organizations or you know,
if they're boilable or testers. I'll just be like, I
have so many of these things. I do not know
what to do with them. My whole basement is devoted
to them.
Speaker 3 (07:05):
So she's a real duchess.
Speaker 2 (07:07):
It's a problem, but it's also my business. So it's
actually not.
Speaker 1 (07:09):
Our name yeah, when people are ordering online, what is
it that is the most popular thing that you find.
Speaker 3 (07:15):
That people are ordering?
Speaker 2 (07:17):
You know that there is definitely fads that come and go.
I think we might all remember the rose from Technine.
I don't know if that was just TikTok, but the
rose was really viral in like twenty twenty one ish.
It still sells really well, but there was a moment
that that was all people were talking about because it's cute.
(07:38):
It's easy to put on social media without it looking
like a body part, right right, right, But that has
not sustained into twenty twenty four. I mean, it still sells,
but the novelty has worn off a little bit. I
think it'll stick around.
Speaker 3 (07:53):
Anything that's effective usually does exactly.
Speaker 2 (07:55):
I mean magic wand was patented in the seventies.
Speaker 1 (08:00):
Is that what you just showed us is the magic wand?
Speaker 2 (08:02):
Yeah? Okay, yeah, that's the mini.
Speaker 3 (08:04):
I personally know a woman who thought she was broken
and thought I can never have an orgasm and was
not young. I mean she was young, but she was
older than you would think for someone who has never
had an orgasm, and she that was I think that
that one almost correct me. If I'm wrong. It almost
seems like that was pretty full proof, like if your
(08:24):
body's gonna have your body, because obviously, I mean, you
were gonna get into this. But I guess is there
are some women who actually cannot physiologically, But if you
are able physiologically, the magic wand is going to be
your shortest cut to an orgasm.
Speaker 2 (08:39):
There's no such thing as something that is full proof,
but you are correct in thinking that it is a
very popular one due to its power, that it is
going to really intensely stimulate the body. And there are
so many reasons that, I mean, specifically Volva's. We just
don't have a lot of education about anatomy like the clit,
(09:03):
and the anatomy of the clit was really only fully
understood in the mid nineties, whereas like penises, we've kind
of understood, goodness, how they work, how they feel, how
we pleasure them, like that's always been known.
Speaker 3 (09:18):
You mean before the seventies, before the nineteen seventy, way yeah,
way back, eighteen hundreds type stuff.
Speaker 2 (09:26):
Yeah, yeah, even then. Yeah, uh so we're just starting
out with like a really lack of baseline knowledge, which
creates a barrier to orgasm. Then on top of that,
there's you know, there's sexual trauma, trauma of any kind,
medications that interact with your libido, and then I think
(09:49):
a lot of it is also just like a huge
gap in knowledge. But I like to be really straightforward
and that like, I'm a person who really only reliably
gets off with sex toys, and I think that there
is a little bit of shame in that for some people.
Thinking I've heard people say things like, well, I you know,
(10:10):
I like it the organic, natural human way.
Speaker 3 (10:13):
You know, it's like okay, like maybe they have more
time than others.
Speaker 2 (10:18):
Yeah, if you are having pleasure, that is great, no
matter what. And if you're not having orgasms, you are
pre orgasmic or orgasms just aren't on the table for you.
There is so much pleasure to be had. But I
think there is definitely such a big emphasis placed on
orgasm and magic Wand I mean I'm kind of jumping
(10:39):
all over the place here.
Speaker 1 (10:40):
No, we love No, let's do it.
Speaker 3 (10:42):
We jump around, Yeah, we jump around.
Speaker 1 (10:44):
It's all good.
Speaker 2 (10:45):
Yeah, it's it's super powerful. And some people find that
the size or the sound of it is like a
barrier to getting into it. They're like, ah, what am
I supposed to do with this big object.
Speaker 3 (10:56):
Well again, think back to the nineteen seventies. You were
also connected to the wall.
Speaker 2 (11:00):
It's a plug. Ye, there's no battery that can beat
that either. There's nothing more powerful than plug an outlet.
Speaker 3 (11:08):
When my friend was telling me the story, that was
a component of it, like truly that there's this appliance
was plugged into the wall.
Speaker 1 (11:14):
Yeah, you an adapter cord, an adapter cord.
Speaker 3 (11:17):
Our crew is vast, and we have all ages and
all coming from coming from all the places. We've got Europe,
we've got the US, we've got South, and we've got
everyone listening. And this is meant to be educational, This
is meant to be empowering. This is meant to, you know,
illuminate how curious we all should be about our own
(11:40):
sexuality and our pleasure. I think because I'm a mom,
I have a son and three daughters, there's a lot
of things that I'm interested in talking about that are
even different than my own experience with sex, right, like
how to empower and teach a different generation, and how
as a as a as a female to empower my
young male son and my three female daughters. So you know,
(12:04):
we've talked a little bit about both of us were
raised in Catholic households, so you know what was brought
to our idea of sexuality from our culture and customs,
and so that's a piece of it. And then I
think you get into school age where you know, you're
talking about sex education classes where I listen to my
kids talk about it, and that's the last place that
they want to hear about it. So I feel for
(12:28):
these schools that you know that need to implement this
layer of education but sort of don't know how and
they don't have the best way of going about it.
And I think also I go back to again having
a teenage son and an almost teenage daughter.
Speaker 1 (12:55):
Okay, so for someone that is starting out, this is
brand new to them.
Speaker 2 (13:03):
I think versatility is really important for a first time
toy because you know, it depends what you want to stimulate.
Are you looking to put a toy around a body
part or inside of a body part that's going to
just boil down to personal preference. I think so much
of it is going with your gut instinct to a
(13:24):
certain extent, also accepting that there will be a natural
trial and error with the first thing you buy you
might not love. That does not mean all vibrators or
all strokers and sleeves are going to have that exact
same experience. You're looking for something that you know has
(13:45):
multiple speeds, if it's motorized or has multiple ways, it
can be used so that if you don't like using
it one way, there's another way you can use it.
A really good example would be like a g spot vibrator.
If you don't like using it internally. Most internal vibrators
are also great as external massagers as well a cockering.
(14:08):
For instance, if it's vibrating and you don't enjoy using
it as a cockering, you can use it as an
external finger vibe. Just as a couple ways that you
could modify how you use something if you don't like
its original marketed purpose.
Speaker 3 (14:24):
For instance, I love the Camilla's face, by the way,
is very serious. My face is very serious. But I
wonder Camilla if while she was saying any of those words, yeah,
you had what I had happening inside my body, which
was like, oh my god, she just said cockering.
Speaker 1 (14:36):
Oh my god, I didn't I know it's a stroker.
Speaker 3 (14:38):
And a Sleever, what's would you say a sleeve, A
stroker what.
Speaker 2 (14:41):
Is Yeah, I'd say that's my Well it's so funny too,
because the language I use on social media versus in
person conversations or you know, there's so many words that
are censored. So a stroker or sleeve is kind of
a what is a euphemism for a fleshlight? For instance?
Speaker 1 (15:03):
Like what is a flashlight? Again?
Speaker 2 (15:05):
Okay again?
Speaker 3 (15:06):
Like you knew the first time, like you knew to start?
Speaker 1 (15:08):
Did you know that? Do you know what a flashlight is?
Speaker 3 (15:10):
I've heard I'd been admitting that I have no idea
what she's talking about.
Speaker 1 (15:13):
There's a fake a fakegina.
Speaker 2 (15:16):
Yeah, so it's like, oh, I wish I just had
one easily laying around.
Speaker 1 (15:20):
It's a fake vagina that has sort of like an attachment, right,
so you can insert yourself into it.
Speaker 2 (15:26):
It's basically a tube that you can stick your penis into,
and sometimes it's open on both ends, sometimes it's closed
at the end. The reason the fleshlight is called that
is because it is cleverly contained inside of like a
fake flashlight container. But also to clarify, like fleshlight is
(15:46):
kind of like saying Kleenex for tissue. A lot of
people will just say flesh light when they mean something.
It understood, okay.
Speaker 1 (15:58):
And then what I was thinking about when you were
talking is I think that I've wondered can they go
inside you too?
Speaker 2 (16:06):
That's a really good question because it's a complicated answer.
It depends on the vibrator. For instances, this is not
something you would want to insert simply because it wasn't
designed to be inserted for starters, got it. But this
is like like a hard plastic joint. When people see this,
(16:29):
it's so long that they think, okay, this is insertable.
I don't think it would. I mean, I certainly wouldn't
recommend doing that, but it is not designed for that.
Verses this which is completely silicone, so there's no interrupting parts.
There's no like exposed screws or anything.
Speaker 1 (16:49):
Right, and something that's silicone for the crew is okay
to put an insert inside yourself. It is safe.
Speaker 2 (16:58):
In general, silicone is one of the better materials to
look for, along with like stainless steel and pyrex glass,
which is obviously a very different type of material. But
silicone is not all created.
Speaker 1 (17:13):
Equal, Okay, yes, tell us, Yeah.
Speaker 2 (17:16):
There's different manufacturing processes and the way silicon is cured
or just like the quality of it can really change
a lot of factors over all, though silicone, if it
is genuinely indeed silicone, you're looking at a probably body
safe product. The issue, and I mentioned this earlier when
(17:38):
I was emailing back and forth with the production team,
is that there's not really any regulations on sex toys
in the United States.
Speaker 1 (17:47):
So we read this be where you came on and
we were yeah, lord, yeah.
Speaker 2 (17:53):
I know. I don't want to like completely like, no,
we want to talk the other side of it.
Speaker 1 (17:57):
But we want we want to inform the crew of
all all the things and why your online sex toy
store is a spectrum boutique is so incredible is because
of all the amazing products that you have, because I
read is this true that dog toys are currently held
to a higher material safety standard than adult toys? Is
(18:18):
that true?
Speaker 2 (18:19):
Yes? And that is because insane sex toys are kind
of in this legal gray area of being novelties, where
they are you'll see a dildo and it will say
novelty not for intended for internal use, And a lot
of that is just because there is so much taboo
(18:43):
around sexuality and the subject matter of sex toys themselves,
that the government has kind of like not really done
anything to create regulations, which is good in the sense
that we don't want there to be super strict, like
sex negative rules that prohibit the things we are allowed
(19:06):
to manufacture, because you know, as history goes a lot
of times that is very misogynist or you know, not
going to be considering they're not going to be consulting
with sex educators when they're making this policy. But at
the same time, you leave this big open can of
worms where you can kind of put any material on
(19:28):
the market, call it whatever you want. There's not really
any repercussions for it, so you have to just kind
of as a shop owner, my job is to work
with brands where I have a direct line of communication
with them. I can see the certificates on the electronics
and the materials, and I can be like, cool, there's
no lead in here, there's no thalatees in here. Just
(19:51):
for a couple of the big things to look out for.
Speaker 3 (19:54):
Was that part of your motivation to start the store?
Speaker 2 (19:57):
You know, it came throughout the process of manufact during
my own toys, because I realized that the tests you
have to get done on an item that you manufacture
are so expensive that a lot of people just don't
want to do it. It's it really boils down to
money and also just like a lack of information. But
(20:18):
I think that it's important to not like fear monger.
I think sex toys even okay, like even the safest
car in the entire world, if you get into you
can get injured. If it's if you get in an accident. Similarly,
with sex toys, you can you know, injure yourself if
you use anything incorrectly. But my job as a retailer
(20:42):
is to make the best possible decisions for my customers.
Only carry things I would want to be using, you know,
as far as like quality levels go. The issue is
that we need to be able to make informed decisions.
Like when we're at the grocery store, we're like, ah,
do I want to spend more money on the organic
ra Berri's or just like the other ones? And that
(21:03):
is the information that is lacking with sex toys. But
that's really just like boils down to the taboo. Not
to get too often to my right, my preachy mode
on all that.
Speaker 3 (21:16):
No, no, no, what's your best seller? Like what is
it do you? And are you selling primarily to men
or women?
Speaker 2 (21:21):
I would say that my personal audience is, according to
Google and Instagram women, millennial women. But we really have
like customers from all walks of life. There's no like,
there's no such thing as being too old for a
sex toy, you know, But I think that there is
(21:42):
such a double standard with the stereotypes of like who
likes what? Like vibrators can be enjoyed by anybody, right, However,
best sellers, I brought a few choice items up. I
mean I already showed you the magic wand, but uh,
this is another toy.
Speaker 3 (21:58):
For those listening to Magic Wand, which started as something
you had to plug into the wall, but now is cordless.
Would be an external like sort of starter point for
your clitterists.
Speaker 1 (22:09):
It's a yes to buy weight on your clitteress.
Speaker 3 (22:11):
Right.
Speaker 2 (22:12):
People also call them massagers. Yes, they're marketed as use
them on your back, use them on your you know,
your your neck, your foot.
Speaker 3 (22:20):
Like okay, yeah, if you come upon someone in their
living room using a massage or on their neck, my
guess is it was somewhere else before is on their neck?
Speaker 1 (22:27):
Okay, So wait, I'm interested in this shiny space.
Speaker 3 (22:30):
Yes, so now she's bringing out the shiny situation.
Speaker 1 (22:34):
Okay, that looks good. I would not necessarily know what
to do with this.
Speaker 2 (22:39):
It's a more complicated one. But the reason I want
to bring it out is because it is a best
seller in the sense that it has been around for
a really long time and it continues to be very
steadily popular, especially for its price point. It's about one
hundred and ten dollars, which you know for aduldo is
a little pricey. So this is the stainless steel This
(23:02):
is called the low wand hoop, but it is very
similar to the original silhouette, which was the Enjoy Pure
wand basically just like a C shape that's made out
of stainless steel. So you can use either end. There's
so many different ways to use it. Some people use
it in like a rocking motion for like very intense
g spot or prostate stimulation. Sometimes people kind of move
(23:25):
it in and out and more of a tugging motion
or swiveling motion. It's really pinpoint pressure inside your body,
as opposed to a dildo that is just kind of
like uniform straight shape throughout.
Speaker 1 (23:42):
Can I ask why it's made of metal? Why is
it made of me stalinless steel? Because you can stainless?
Is it because you can heat it and cool it?
Speaker 2 (23:49):
Yeah, that's one reason people like it. It's also so
different having a hard material inside your body, just like
the resistance feels very different. But also like, you know,
there's zero bend to this, and like silicone or you know,
the human body obviously bends, So it's trying to mimic
(24:11):
the like come hither motion, which is what it's generally
called for. How you want to finger somebody if you're
stimulating their G spot or prostate.
Speaker 3 (24:36):
For those who have a hard time with this, who
are sort of like going, I feel stigmatized or I
feel ashamed even even talking about this. Do you feel
like you've had experience with people like that and what
do you feel like has been like the aha moment
for you in speaking to people like that to help
(24:57):
them get comfortable with whatever they're going to ultimately be
comfortable with, right, Like you have to always check in
with yourself, but has there been you know, a way
of connecting with people and going like, oh, there was
this aha moment, this is how they got over that stigma,
that shame totally.
Speaker 2 (25:16):
I think it really depends on the source of that
and like what sets that off for that person individually.
I'm going to kind of go back to something you
said earlier to answer this, which is that there's so
many aspects of sex that aren't literally sexual, and a
lot of this has to do with sex education in school.
(25:39):
Sex education doesn't have to be like the nuts and
bolts and just the anatomy. Really like starting out at
any age, you can talk about consent and boundaries and
you don't have to give you know, uncle so and
so a hug if you don't want to, or I'm
not going to make you eat this food if you're
not hungry right now, Like giving a child the autonomy
(26:03):
to think for themselves and decide yes or no, so
that they don't you know, feel like, oh well when
I say no, it doesn't really matter because then you know,
you start to internalize.
Speaker 3 (26:15):
That that's such an incredible point and so well put, yeah,
I love that.
Speaker 2 (26:19):
Yeah. So I think that whether the aversion to talking
about sex is about like shame based whether that be
from messages we got when we were younger or negative
experiences as an adult, there's there are also people who
are asexual, and you know, perhaps they really want companionship
(26:42):
but not the sexual stimulation portion. And there you know,
at the end of the day, we all want some
level of intimacy with other people and ourselves, but maybe
that isn't physical, Maybe that's just emotional. You know, there's
still much pleasure in companionship, and relationships aren't just romantic
(27:07):
and sexual. There are platonic ones as well.
Speaker 3 (27:09):
So I'm hearing you say that if you're feeling like
there's a stigma or there's a shame around how you're
thinking about or talking about sex, that it would be
a good thing to examine the root of it, where
it came from, because a lot of times these things
can happen when we're younger and we get older and
we're meant to evolve, we're meant to change. So checking
(27:30):
in with our younger selves and saying like, does this
still hold true? Do I still feel this way? Is
this still you know? Is the authority figure still the
authority figure in my life? Who am I disappointing? Right by?
Who am I disappointing my engaging in this conversation? Am
I disappointing someone else? Or am I disappointing myself. These
are all questions I think that are very valid to
ask yourself as you're sort of starting to talk about
(27:50):
sexuality in a very open way. I love this whole
idea you were talking about selling mostly or a bulk
of your clients were millennials. I love this whole sex positive.
I mean, what would you call it? I mean, is
it a movement? Is it a phrase? Is it a
and what does it mean? Because I've heard a lot
of other people that were older be like, well, isn't
that just another word for like, you know, I mean,
(28:12):
I don't know, in circums annoying. Yeah, the annoying and
negative thought that you're just like, you know, it's the slutshaming, right,
it's the it's the it's the it's the there can't
be anything good that comes of all this sex. So
now there's this whole idea that there's a sex positivity.
So so what do you how would you explain that?
Speaker 2 (28:31):
I think the definition has changed so much, especially in
the last ten years, because it's become one of those
buzzwords that gets used in so many different contexts that
it kind of becomes just a super generalized term for me.
I would define it as not having to be having
(28:52):
It's not about having wild and crazy sex or kinky
sex or anything like that. It is trying to foster
a shame free approach to it or your lack thereof,
and an open mindedness for the sex lives and needs
of others, kind of excluding basically anything that isn't safe
(29:17):
or consensual adults engaging in you know, consensual sex and
and all that. You know, it's it's kind of like,
even if it's not for you, if it's you know,
positive for somebody, not to yuck their yum. I think
that's one.
Speaker 1 (29:36):
Way of putting it.
Speaker 3 (29:38):
But yeah, that doesn't.
Speaker 2 (29:39):
Mean you have to be down for every little sexual
fad or like you have to have anal. Sex is
a really big one. I hear where people think that
being sex positive means you must force yourself to do
every sex act or you must be non monogamous or
something like that.
Speaker 3 (30:00):
I think that's such an important thing to just break
for for a moment. Is that it is so important
to consistently check in with yourself about what is right
for you. There's a lot of noise. The constant checking
in with yourself about what you're excited to do and
(30:20):
what you're comfortable to do, and making sure that as
much as it sounds nerdy in the throes of some
fun stuff, to check in, I think it's important to
check in.
Speaker 1 (30:29):
What I love about this conversation is I see it
more as for me personally. In my journey, I didn't
know what could make me orgasm. I felt lost myself.
So when I had in the early days, when I
had a partner, I didn't know what to tell them
that I liked. And so I feel like buying a
(30:51):
sex toy, having those solo missions by yourself is really
just like self education, and I'm learning about my own body.
Is I literally had no idea what would work to
make me have an orgasm. I didn't know what speed,
I didn't know where, I didn't know what I liked.
And I just feel like it's an exploration of finding
(31:12):
out more about yourself. So going and buying a sex toy,
taking it home, seeing what feels good, seeing what doesn't
feel good. I feel like, then when you have your
sexual partner, you're able to actually articulate what it is
it's going to have you orgasm. And I hated the
feeling of feeling lost. I was like, I guess that
feels good. I don't know. And I think that that's
(31:36):
where so many people can I just think it's a
way for everyone to embrace this idea that it's no
shame around it. It's really just education about your body too,
like how do I work?
Speaker 3 (31:47):
Oh, I love every single thing you just said. I
love everything you just said, and it's so, so, so true.
And I think by the way, that kind of thinking
sort of led to a lot of the like when
Harry met Sally stuff right, like the the the partner thinking,
you know, the other one had climaxed and it was
all just completely like what the other partner thought they
(32:08):
were supposed to do, but they didn't know how to do.
And I think we're living in a time where the
sex positivity piece is that you can not know and
that can be okay, and you can say something and
you can and you can and you can fix that problem.
Speaker 2 (32:22):
And it's a journey too. Even trying something and realizing
you do not like it is part of figuring out
and honing in what you do. Like, so I think
that a lot of the apprehension is like what if
I try this thing that works for everybody and it
doesn't work for me. What does that say about me?
(32:44):
There is no such thing as like a thing everybody
likes and again figuring out like I really do not
like you know, uh flicky flickering sensations or whatever. Great,
you've just learned a huge piece of information that will
event help you get to what you do.
Speaker 3 (33:01):
Like, So, in addition to the toys, do you have
a conversation starters for people? I mean people who are
experiencing this sort of like I don't know what to
say or I don't know what to do, Like is
there advice that you have for getting you're.
Speaker 1 (33:12):
Talking about people in a relationship Like yeah, okay, okay, okay, how.
Speaker 3 (33:16):
Do you approach the conversation of you you have a partner,
you're really excited about all the things that are about
to happen, you don't know how to talk about it
or you're not yet sure like what you're operating instructions are,
and like how do you how do you start that
conversation in a way that doesn't feel I mean that
you don't worry about it feeling clumsy.
Speaker 2 (33:36):
I also think it's like totally okay to be clumsy. Yeah,
but I know exactly what you mean. Even couples who
have been together forever and ever, these conversations are like
constantly evolving and it's more of a journey than a
one and done thing because the type of sex you
might be wanting to have, you know, first thing in
(33:59):
the morning on a tunes if that's your time frame
versus you know a week later, you're going to be
in a different mental space. You're not going to feel
the exact same way you did that exact moment.
Speaker 1 (34:09):
Well, I think, by the way, that's why you need
a partner that you really love. And you no, no, no,
it's not that you really love necessarily, so you feel
really comfortable with because communication, but all of these things
are very vulnerable and intimate, right, And so we're talking
about moments where you might say like I don't like that?
Can you try this? And having that confidence to not
(34:31):
know that your partners like right there with you is
going to make your sex life so much better. And
I feel like what I feel like happened you know,
years ago, maybe still happening now. Is I feel like, also,
there was this thing where as a woman you didn't
want to bring a sex toy into sex because maybe
(34:54):
you feel like the guy I was feeling like he
wasn't doing something well enough, and it was like, you know,
you're bringing something, you know. I think it's really important
to get rid of all of those feelings too, and
know that because you want to bring something into sex
to level up your sex life is not a comment
or a judgment on your sex partner. They're not doing
(35:18):
anything wrong. You're just adding more things in to make
it delicious.
Speaker 2 (35:23):
I think a really good comparison is if you look
at sex toys as tools. Almost everything in human life
we have adapted to using tools. We eat with utensils
or you know, chopsticks or a fork, but you can
also eat with your hands. That's doable, obviously. And similarly,
(35:44):
if you're building a house, nobody's going around being like, yeah,
well it's not a real it's not a real house
because you use power tools. Like you didn't do it
all by hand. You didn't stand it by hand. You've
got to you know, you used to a sander, Like
nobody sees other aspects of life as being compromised when
(36:06):
we use a tool. So I think that viewing toys
as a competitor can be shifted into being like this
is a collaborative item. I am using with my partner.
Speaker 1 (36:17):
I love that so much.
Speaker 3 (36:20):
Oh, I just need some more tools from a toolbox.
Speaker 1 (36:22):
So we were sent ahead of this the plus one
sex toy. It looks like this. I'm going to show
you everyone in the box again, looks.
Speaker 3 (36:30):
Like this and when one end it up, I have
one here as well.
Speaker 1 (36:33):
You have one here. Is very soft, it feels amazing, okay,
and it comes with this situation too, so you need
to charge it, okay. So tell us about this particular
sex toy.
Speaker 2 (36:44):
Yeah, that is a something I would loosely categorize as
a vibrating bullet. The name comes from they used to
make them out of hard plastic and like put a
silvery finish on them, which is where it got its name.
But it really is just a term that refers to
any small or compact vibratory. And what's really great about
(37:06):
small vibrators is that you can put them into, you know,
smaller spaces, fit them between bodies more easily. A bullet
is not insertable just because it's a little too short
and definitely not like butt safe. But there's also like
toys that have a hollow hole inside of them, like
(37:27):
a dildo or a plug. They'll have like a little
hollow base where you can stick the vibrator inside to
make another toy vibrate. A lot of cock rings also
work that way. You like slip it through or in harnesses.
If you're having like a strap on sex and using
a harness and a dildo, a lot of people like
(37:48):
to put vibrators into the harness so that the person
wearing it can feel the vibration.
Speaker 1 (37:53):
I didn't know that you could. I didn't know that
there were sex toys that were made to have other
sex toys added.
Speaker 2 (38:00):
Oh yeah, they're very interactive, and like same with the
wands too. There's like all these attachments you can flop
on top that do make them insertable.
Speaker 1 (38:11):
This particular sex toy is especially safe in as.
Speaker 2 (38:14):
Much as a sex toy can be.
Speaker 1 (38:16):
Yes, absolutely, I mean, like the materials it's made of
and things like that that way.
Speaker 2 (38:21):
Okay, I'm familiar with the brand and the people who
make it, and they are pretty well known as a manufacturer,
So yes, I definitely think that it's like a solid brand.
Speaker 1 (38:33):
Before we dive into questions, I saw something in our
pre notes that had me fall on the floor and
that was Is it true? Please tell me it's not true.
I'm hoping that we made a mistake. If you order
a toy from Amazon, there is potential that that toy
is a returned toy that you're now getting.
Speaker 2 (38:52):
I don't work at Amazon, so I can't tell you
exactly what their methodology is. But in general, I run
into this issue as a story that does not accept
returns or exchanges because otherwise it would compromise the health
and safety of my customers. So obviously, if something is
(39:14):
defective or broken, or there's some type of issue with it,
that is a very different story.
Speaker 3 (39:20):
But basically, if you're buying sex Whys from a place
that accepts refunds.
Speaker 1 (39:25):
Or returns, we're not sure that we're not guaranteed on
what we're getting.
Speaker 3 (39:28):
They could be recirculated.
Speaker 1 (39:30):
Well, that's why we're all going to Spectrum boutique. No one,
Everyone log off of Amazon right now, take it out
of your cart, and go to Spectrum.
Speaker 2 (39:40):
I really don't mean to fear monger Win saying that,
because there are so many legit awesome brands that have
like their storefront on Amazon.
Speaker 1 (39:49):
Okay, we just need to do our research.
Speaker 2 (39:51):
It's just like how a lot of lingerie is not returnable.
Speaker 1 (39:54):
Yes, yes, yes, I'm just saying. It's just something that
never crossed my mind. So like, if you're doing just
your research, I would not have looked yet. I wouldn't
even thought about having to look and research that. I think.
I think just reading that possibility was so shocking to me.
(40:23):
We have questions from the crew. They wrote in specifically
for you. Okay, so Sarah said, I would like to
know what are the best moves to be doing being
a girl, so that doesn't feel like my boyfriend is
doing all of the work. I feel like I don't
know how to move right and I don't want it
to always be him doing the work. I would like
(40:44):
to be better help. What do you advise for this?
What are some moves?
Speaker 3 (40:49):
Yeah, girl needs some moves.
Speaker 2 (40:52):
I definitely don't have like the special magic bullet answer.
I think that a very boring answer is ask your partner.
I think that if you want really specific like moves
and stuff, I think that's also again where I don't
want to say that porn is like an education for that.
Speaker 3 (41:15):
I was gonna say porn because I wanted to ask
this question. I would like to know, like if if
Sarah would like to if Sarah would like Sarah's a
visual learner and Sarah wants to get some help, is
there a place to go to for a well lit
some storyline to action value Jessica to I what production
(41:36):
value high production value porn? For Sarah. I want her
to be able to look at it and not and
also like not judge herself for looking at it and
be like I'm imagining that, Sarah, maybe you wouldn't. But
then where she can go where it's like, Okay, that's
a creative move that I can have, right, because she's
saying I don't know what to do and he's doing
all the work.
Speaker 2 (41:55):
I want to make sure I do clarify though, that
so much of porn is stuff that is just done
for camera. So there's a huge difference between watching like
a studio production where there is a whole set and
it's you know, versus is watching like an independent creator
who's like on a webcam, who is like maybe doing
(42:15):
things with their partner. Like this category is often referred
to as like amateur, but there's a huge difference between
like Ah there's a couple on webcam versus like there's
all this studio set and set up. So I don't
want everyone thinking like, ah, whatever you see in porn,
go do it, it's gonna feel great. So much of
(42:36):
sex is like in the brain, and like the brain
is the biggest sexual organ in that way. So like
also tying in the dirty talk and like for play,
it's all kind of like building up this pressure cooker
in your brain of like the fantasy component or lack
thereof getting excited and anticipating what's going to happen later
(42:59):
in the day.
Speaker 1 (43:00):
Technically, I mean like girl on top. Those are some mooves.
I mean, like you're doing you're doing some moves. If
you sit on top of a guy reverse cow girl,
you're on top, you're facing the other way.
Speaker 2 (43:12):
Yeah, there's benefits of being on top because you're because
you're able to control your bodily movement a little bit more.
Speaker 3 (43:20):
Okay, wait, I really want to get to another one.
So this one is anonymous. Is it normal to feel
shame after masturbation? I get a wave of sadness and shame.
I don't know why, as it's something I'm not shy
to talk about. And it is a healthy part of life,
but for some reason I feel disgusted when it's me.
Speaker 1 (43:38):
Just the phrase that you always say, like, we got
to get curious. I know, you got to get curious
with yourself right in a situation like this and ask.
Speaker 3 (43:46):
Yourself why yeah, which goes back to what I think
you were saying earlier Zoe about you know, where in
your development was that idea introduced?
Speaker 2 (43:56):
Where?
Speaker 3 (43:56):
And where who in the story of your life said?
Speaker 2 (43:59):
You know?
Speaker 3 (44:00):
Storations disgusting, because likely someone said it, and I think
that that would be a good place to start.
Speaker 2 (44:09):
Absolutely. I think a lot of questions are kind of
hinging on is this normal or not? And this is
a perfect example of a question like that. There is
no such thing as normal, so it is. I think,
like maybe the question is also like is this a
(44:30):
thing that other people experience? Because if you know it's normal,
there's nothing wrong with your feelings and how you feel.
Shame is like a natural emotion we all feel, but
having it towards pleasure can be really confusing and contradictory.
And obviously if you want to change that, and it
(44:51):
sounds like you might want to if you're asking this question,
I think that there's like so many diff different ways
you can have intimacy with yourself that again is not
directly sexual and can and can get there. For some
people that means like just doing external stimulation and building
(45:14):
up comfort with that. But I guess what I really
want to make sure is said, though, is that like
it's normal in the sense that like there is nothing
wrong with you for feeling that way. Does everybody feel
that way? No, A lot of people definitely feel that
way because that is societally the message we all kind
of receive.
Speaker 3 (45:35):
But if you if you don't want to feel that way,
there is a path forward. And if you don't want
to feel the solutle to yourself, there is a path forward,
and I think that you will find it again. I
think that they're getting curious and talking to people around you.
I think there's real safety and numbers about this kind
of stuff. Right, Like you, when you see someone else
having a similar experience, or when someone's talking about it
and they have no shame, that might be a little contagious,
(45:57):
right You might think, Oh, that's that they don't have
any shame, So maybe I don't have any shame, Okay,
I just want to get to this very last one,
and then I want to thank you so much for
your time. My sister Sasha was the one who brought
you to us, and I'm so grateful to her. She knows,
she knows all of it. Okay. The last question is
from anonymous again, is it healthy for me to be
so noisy during sex and my boyfriend not to be
(46:19):
until he actually reaches climax? Also, why can't I climax
with actual sex inside of me? I feel like so
many people want to know this. I feel like I
hear the answer, but you go.
Speaker 2 (46:30):
For it totally, you know us. Okay, So the first
part of that question, there's absolutely nothing wrong actually with
a lot of things where people are like, I do
this differently from my partner. It would honestly be like
more unusual for you to be the have the exact
same libido as your partner to make the exact same
(46:51):
amount of noise. So there's always going to be differences
in how we express how we feel. So no, I mean,
unless you're like, oh, I want to be more respectful
of the neighbors. I mean, but I'm just kidding.
Speaker 3 (47:06):
And then she's asking why she can't climax with actual
sex inside of her.
Speaker 2 (47:10):
I think that going back to the lack of awareness
we have about the clit, the clit is the external
clitteral stimulation is required for the vast majority of people
to have an orgasm. So if there's no clitteral stimulation,
if you if you can have an orgasm without direct
(47:30):
external clitteral stimulation, you are actually statistically on like that
is just less so a thing. I can put that
in a you can put that more succinctly.
Speaker 3 (47:42):
You are in the minority if you are climaxing during exactly.
Speaker 2 (47:48):
Thank you for putting that so eloquently. And I think
a lot of people don't realize that the clit is
also an internal organ and the external part that we
see is just like the tip of the iceberg, so
much of it goes inside and between the vaginal canal
and the belly side essentially is like the whole body
(48:11):
of the clitterists. So you are stimulating the glitterists from
inside when you are having penetrative sex. And that's not
to say that there aren't other pleasurable spots within the
vagina that feel really good, but if you are not
giving direct contact to the clit that is most of
the time. The culprit for having a hard time achieving
(48:33):
orgasm is that what that silver.
Speaker 3 (48:35):
Situation would be getting too more first, Oh the g spot, Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah,
I had a feeling, yes, purpose, yeah, I think popularity
could be explained definitely. Oh my gosh, there's going to
be a part two for sure.
Speaker 1 (48:52):
Oh, there's a part for I.
Speaker 2 (48:54):
Would love to take it the beginning.
Speaker 1 (48:56):
Thank you so much for joining us. We have so
many morequestions from the crew. We have to get to
next time, and please come back.
Speaker 2 (49:05):
It would be my pleasure. Thank you so much for
the wonderful questions. I think that these are all really
great and honest and vulnerable questions, and I appreciate you
coming letting me come shut a little bit of lad.
Speaker 3 (49:20):
Yes, and now and now that we you know, obviously
you have your spectrum boutique. Imagine you have an Instagram handle.
Speaker 2 (49:27):
Yes, my personal account is thong Ria like the underwear
uh th h O N G R I A. Or
you can just google my name Zoe Ligan. But it's
it's a lot of a lot of sex toys. Obviously
you'll be prepared if you if you search me fantastic.
Speaker 3 (49:47):
Thank you so much, thank you so much, thank you,
thank you.
Speaker 1 (49:52):
I hope you guys enjoyed this episode. Continue to send
us in your questions, your queries, because we will have
her back on. This is going to be a continuing thing.
We're learning with you guys too, as you can tell.
And Jessica, you want to call it.
Speaker 3 (50:08):
Let's call this the end of the beginning of lots
more episodes.
Speaker 2 (50:14):
Oh, I like that.
Call It what It Is with Jessica Capshaw and Camil Luddington,
an iHeartRadio podcast.
Speaker 2 (00:16):
Hello, Hello, Hello.
Speaker 1 (00:19):
Hello, Call It crew. We have a very special episode
for you today that we're very excited about. We teased
it out and so many of you guys wrote in is.
Speaker 3 (00:29):
Juicy, Juicy, juicy, I'm ready for all of it. I
can't wait to see what we learn.
Speaker 1 (00:33):
It is about sex choice, it's about sex, it's about
conversations around sex. It's about all the different things we're
feeling and inside, outside thinking.
Speaker 3 (00:46):
And we went to Zoe, who is a celebrated sex educator.
She's a journalist, and she is a dildo duchess.
Speaker 1 (00:53):
She's a dildo duchess.
Speaker 3 (00:55):
We're gonna find out about that. I need to start there.
Maybe we start there.
Speaker 1 (00:59):
Yes, we're gonna be you guys got vulnerable with us.
We're going to be getting vulnerable with you guys on
this episode, and we're gonna dive straight in. Let's let's
bring in our dildo duchess.
Speaker 2 (01:10):
Thanks for having me.
Speaker 3 (01:11):
We're both very excited about this episode.
Speaker 2 (01:14):
Me too. Well.
Speaker 3 (01:15):
I'm Jessica, nice to meet you.
Speaker 1 (01:19):
I'm Camilla. We have teased out Jessica and I went
to Chicago recently and we were in front of a
in a conference room full of fans, and they said,
what is the most exciting episode you have coming up?
And we teased this episode out. I said, our homework
is test driving sex toys.
Speaker 3 (01:40):
It someone has to do it. And by the way,
we were there and after this, after the convention, we
went to dinner and we're sitting there at dinner and
Camilla looks at her phone and breaks into laughter because.
Speaker 1 (01:56):
My husband texts me and he was like, your vibrators came.
Speaker 3 (01:59):
Okay, I remember is is? When I looked at your phone,
it was just a picture of the vibrator box. And then, uh,
I think he said, a vibrator came for you in
the mail.
Speaker 1 (02:09):
I think I think he knew, he knew it was coming.
He did know what was coming.
Speaker 3 (02:13):
Oh see, I thought it was a total surprise.
Speaker 1 (02:15):
Are you kidding? I've been banging on about this episode
for weeks now.
Speaker 2 (02:18):
I hope it came discreetly, because you know, sometimes beta.
Speaker 3 (02:23):
And also just to go back to where our curiosity started,
or where my curiosity started, was when we first started
the podcast. One of our very early episodes because I
think when you start this kind of thing, you know,
we talk a lot about we started as actresses, and
so often you kind of like guard information or you
just don't want to be so intimate or bring like
the super personal stories. And in the beginning of the podcast,
(02:44):
we realize, you know, for sure, that's the most important
part of this all is how we're connected, and we
really we we connect over vulnerability and being able to
talk about things and in a in a in a
in a real way. And so one of the first
stories that I told that I was definitely I felt
like a little on tender hooks telling because I just
hadn't in a public way before I had talked about
(03:05):
you know what, I'm going to buy a vibrator and
asking and feeling like nervous and not sure what to
ask and just didn't you actually even want to talk
or make eye contact with anyone. And then once I
finally could get through the experience of being in a
sex toy shop and buying a vibrator, that as I
got to the cash register, I completely just jumped off
(03:28):
my train of confidence and asked them to gift wrap
it because clearly it wasn't for me. It was obviously
for someone else. So I'm wondering if you gift wrap
in your shop.
Speaker 2 (03:39):
So we're an online store and everything comes like wrapped
in tissue paper, so we're not generally gift wrapping individual items.
But I used to work in a brick and mortar
ten years ago in Soho, so I had my share
of experiences with people, you know, even been remembering my
(04:00):
own experience being eighteen going into a sex toy store.
I mean, now I sell them and it is my wheelhouse,
but I remember that first time being like, get me
out of here. I don't want to think about what
all these different things do. And it wasn't that I
didn't have a comfort around sex, but obviously sex education
(04:22):
does not teach you about that. You're lucky if you
get any level of comprehensive sex ed. But you know,
what does that like looking at a harness thinking about
all those things. Oh, no, here's the butt toy section.
What like? It just opens all these portals if you're
walking in. And I think I was just getting novelty
(04:43):
handcuffs for a college roommate at the time, and then
I was just like, oh my goodness.
Speaker 1 (04:48):
No, I still when I walk into a sex store
and with my husband, I feel intimidated because I still
don't know, oh how half the things work. I don't
know how you find out they work, other than maybe
asking the person that works there, which is feels weird.
(05:09):
The only one I remember really back in the day,
even knowing the name of was the Rabbit, And I
feel like maybe that's because Sex and the City made
it for sure, right, And it's like everyone you know
that was like that was my first ever sex toy
because it made it feel like it was okay to
get that wand like it had had you know, pop culture.
The girl's had it, well, I could get it and
(05:30):
it was okay.
Speaker 3 (05:31):
By the way the girl's done the things that I
never did just weer clear.
Speaker 2 (05:35):
Also, the Magic Wand is another one.
Speaker 3 (05:37):
Oh I think that is actually the real og, right,
that's like, yeah, yeah, the real og Rabbit, Magic Wand.
Speaker 1 (05:44):
Yes these are. But there's so many new toys out there,
and I'm lost, and I'm forty, and I don't want
to be lost. I want to know. And and the
crew they've sent us in questions and everything for today,
but they they're curious. They want to know too, So
I want to ask you first because your nickname is
the dildo Duchess, which is incredible. How that name.
Speaker 2 (06:08):
I was just like, that's an alliteration. I really like it.
I love dildos. I really love talking about them too,
because I think that not to like get into the
weeds so early on, but I like a lot of
toys that I think the average person is like, ew,
who would use that? Ew? And especially when I was
(06:29):
working in a brick and mortar, I had a lot
of time being like, actually, me, you know, something that's
like larger or longer, or like has a crazy texture
on it. I found that those were things that were
getting really knee jerk shocking reactions from people. And you know,
I had literally have so many sex toys in my
house that I periodically will donate on opened ones to
(06:51):
like LGBTQ plus organizations or sex work organizations or you know,
if they're boilable or testers. I'll just be like, I
have so many of these things. I do not know
what to do with them. My whole basement is devoted
to them.
Speaker 3 (07:05):
So she's a real duchess.
Speaker 2 (07:07):
It's a problem, but it's also my business. So it's
actually not.
Speaker 1 (07:09):
Our name yeah, when people are ordering online, what is
it that is the most popular thing that you find.
Speaker 3 (07:15):
That people are ordering?
Speaker 2 (07:17):
You know that there is definitely fads that come and go.
I think we might all remember the rose from Technine.
I don't know if that was just TikTok, but the
rose was really viral in like twenty twenty one ish.
It still sells really well, but there was a moment
that that was all people were talking about because it's cute.
(07:38):
It's easy to put on social media without it looking
like a body part, right right, right, But that has
not sustained into twenty twenty four. I mean, it still sells,
but the novelty has worn off a little bit. I
think it'll stick around.
Speaker 3 (07:53):
Anything that's effective usually does exactly.
Speaker 2 (07:55):
I mean magic wand was patented in the seventies.
Speaker 1 (08:00):
Is that what you just showed us is the magic wand?
Speaker 2 (08:02):
Yeah? Okay, yeah, that's the mini.
Speaker 3 (08:04):
I personally know a woman who thought she was broken
and thought I can never have an orgasm and was
not young. I mean she was young, but she was
older than you would think for someone who has never
had an orgasm, and she that was I think that
that one almost correct me. If I'm wrong. It almost
seems like that was pretty full proof, like if your
(08:24):
body's gonna have your body, because obviously, I mean, you
were gonna get into this. But I guess is there
are some women who actually cannot physiologically, But if you
are able physiologically, the magic wand is going to be
your shortest cut to an orgasm.
Speaker 2 (08:39):
There's no such thing as something that is full proof,
but you are correct in thinking that it is a
very popular one due to its power, that it is
going to really intensely stimulate the body. And there are
so many reasons that, I mean, specifically Volva's. We just
don't have a lot of education about anatomy like the clit,
(09:03):
and the anatomy of the clit was really only fully
understood in the mid nineties, whereas like penises, we've kind
of understood, goodness, how they work, how they feel, how
we pleasure them, like that's always been known.
Speaker 3 (09:18):
You mean before the seventies, before the nineteen seventy, way yeah,
way back, eighteen hundreds type stuff.
Speaker 2 (09:26):
Yeah, yeah, even then. Yeah, uh so we're just starting
out with like a really lack of baseline knowledge, which
creates a barrier to orgasm. Then on top of that,
there's you know, there's sexual trauma, trauma of any kind,
medications that interact with your libido, and then I think
(09:49):
a lot of it is also just like a huge
gap in knowledge. But I like to be really straightforward
and that like, I'm a person who really only reliably
gets off with sex toys, and I think that there
is a little bit of shame in that for some people.
Thinking I've heard people say things like, well, I you know,
(10:10):
I like it the organic, natural human way.
Speaker 3 (10:13):
You know, it's like okay, like maybe they have more
time than others.
Speaker 2 (10:18):
Yeah, if you are having pleasure, that is great, no
matter what. And if you're not having orgasms, you are
pre orgasmic or orgasms just aren't on the table for you.
There is so much pleasure to be had. But I
think there is definitely such a big emphasis placed on
orgasm and magic Wand I mean I'm kind of jumping
(10:39):
all over the place here.
Speaker 1 (10:40):
No, we love No, let's do it.
Speaker 3 (10:42):
We jump around, Yeah, we jump around.
Speaker 1 (10:44):
It's all good.
Speaker 2 (10:45):
Yeah, it's it's super powerful. And some people find that
the size or the sound of it is like a
barrier to getting into it. They're like, ah, what am
I supposed to do with this big object.
Speaker 3 (10:56):
Well again, think back to the nineteen seventies. You were
also connected to the wall.
Speaker 2 (11:00):
It's a plug. Ye, there's no battery that can beat
that either. There's nothing more powerful than plug an outlet.
Speaker 3 (11:08):
When my friend was telling me the story, that was
a component of it, like truly that there's this appliance
was plugged into the wall.
Speaker 1 (11:14):
Yeah, you an adapter cord, an adapter cord.
Speaker 3 (11:17):
Our crew is vast, and we have all ages and
all coming from coming from all the places. We've got Europe,
we've got the US, we've got South, and we've got
everyone listening. And this is meant to be educational, This
is meant to be empowering. This is meant to, you know,
illuminate how curious we all should be about our own
(11:40):
sexuality and our pleasure. I think because I'm a mom,
I have a son and three daughters, there's a lot
of things that I'm interested in talking about that are
even different than my own experience with sex, right, like
how to empower and teach a different generation, and how
as a as a as a female to empower my
young male son and my three female daughters. So you know,
(12:04):
we've talked a little bit about both of us were
raised in Catholic households, so you know what was brought
to our idea of sexuality from our culture and customs,
and so that's a piece of it. And then I
think you get into school age where you know, you're
talking about sex education classes where I listen to my
kids talk about it, and that's the last place that
they want to hear about it. So I feel for
(12:28):
these schools that you know that need to implement this
layer of education but sort of don't know how and
they don't have the best way of going about it.
And I think also I go back to again having
a teenage son and an almost teenage daughter.
Speaker 1 (12:55):
Okay, so for someone that is starting out, this is
brand new to them.
Speaker 2 (13:03):
I think versatility is really important for a first time
toy because you know, it depends what you want to stimulate.
Are you looking to put a toy around a body
part or inside of a body part that's going to
just boil down to personal preference. I think so much
of it is going with your gut instinct to a
(13:24):
certain extent, also accepting that there will be a natural
trial and error with the first thing you buy you
might not love. That does not mean all vibrators or
all strokers and sleeves are going to have that exact
same experience. You're looking for something that you know has
(13:45):
multiple speeds, if it's motorized or has multiple ways, it
can be used so that if you don't like using
it one way, there's another way you can use it.
A really good example would be like a g spot vibrator.
If you don't like using it internally. Most internal vibrators
are also great as external massagers as well a cockering.
(14:08):
For instance, if it's vibrating and you don't enjoy using
it as a cockering, you can use it as an
external finger vibe. Just as a couple ways that you
could modify how you use something if you don't like
its original marketed purpose.
Speaker 3 (14:24):
For instance, I love the Camilla's face, by the way,
is very serious. My face is very serious. But I
wonder Camilla if while she was saying any of those words, yeah,
you had what I had happening inside my body, which
was like, oh my god, she just said cockering.
Speaker 1 (14:36):
Oh my god, I didn't I know it's a stroker.
Speaker 3 (14:38):
And a Sleever, what's would you say a sleeve, A
stroker what.
Speaker 2 (14:41):
Is Yeah, I'd say that's my Well it's so funny too,
because the language I use on social media versus in
person conversations or you know, there's so many words that
are censored. So a stroker or sleeve is kind of
a what is a euphemism for a fleshlight? For instance?
Speaker 1 (15:03):
Like what is a flashlight? Again?
Speaker 2 (15:05):
Okay again?
Speaker 3 (15:06):
Like you knew the first time, like you knew to start?
Speaker 1 (15:08):
Did you know that? Do you know what a flashlight is?
Speaker 3 (15:10):
I've heard I'd been admitting that I have no idea
what she's talking about.
Speaker 1 (15:13):
There's a fake a fakegina.
Speaker 2 (15:16):
Yeah, so it's like, oh, I wish I just had
one easily laying around.
Speaker 1 (15:20):
It's a fake vagina that has sort of like an attachment, right,
so you can insert yourself into it.
Speaker 2 (15:26):
It's basically a tube that you can stick your penis into,
and sometimes it's open on both ends, sometimes it's closed
at the end. The reason the fleshlight is called that
is because it is cleverly contained inside of like a
fake flashlight container. But also to clarify, like fleshlight is
(15:46):
kind of like saying Kleenex for tissue. A lot of
people will just say flesh light when they mean something.
It understood, okay.
Speaker 1 (15:58):
And then what I was thinking about when you were
talking is I think that I've wondered can they go
inside you too?
Speaker 2 (16:06):
That's a really good question because it's a complicated answer.
It depends on the vibrator. For instances, this is not
something you would want to insert simply because it wasn't
designed to be inserted for starters, got it. But this
is like like a hard plastic joint. When people see this,
(16:29):
it's so long that they think, okay, this is insertable.
I don't think it would. I mean, I certainly wouldn't
recommend doing that, but it is not designed for that.
Verses this which is completely silicone, so there's no interrupting parts.
There's no like exposed screws or anything.
Speaker 1 (16:49):
Right, and something that's silicone for the crew is okay
to put an insert inside yourself. It is safe.
Speaker 2 (16:58):
In general, silicone is one of the better materials to
look for, along with like stainless steel and pyrex glass,
which is obviously a very different type of material. But
silicone is not all created.
Speaker 1 (17:13):
Equal, Okay, yes, tell us, Yeah.
Speaker 2 (17:16):
There's different manufacturing processes and the way silicon is cured
or just like the quality of it can really change
a lot of factors over all, though silicone, if it
is genuinely indeed silicone, you're looking at a probably body
safe product. The issue, and I mentioned this earlier when
(17:38):
I was emailing back and forth with the production team,
is that there's not really any regulations on sex toys
in the United States.
Speaker 1 (17:47):
So we read this be where you came on and
we were yeah, lord, yeah.
Speaker 2 (17:53):
I know. I don't want to like completely like, no,
we want to talk the other side of it.
Speaker 1 (17:57):
But we want we want to inform the crew of
all all the things and why your online sex toy
store is a spectrum boutique is so incredible is because
of all the amazing products that you have, because I
read is this true that dog toys are currently held
to a higher material safety standard than adult toys? Is
(18:18):
that true?
Speaker 2 (18:19):
Yes? And that is because insane sex toys are kind
of in this legal gray area of being novelties, where
they are you'll see a dildo and it will say
novelty not for intended for internal use, And a lot
of that is just because there is so much taboo
(18:43):
around sexuality and the subject matter of sex toys themselves,
that the government has kind of like not really done
anything to create regulations, which is good in the sense
that we don't want there to be super strict, like
sex negative rules that prohibit the things we are allowed
(19:06):
to manufacture, because you know, as history goes a lot
of times that is very misogynist or you know, not
going to be considering they're not going to be consulting
with sex educators when they're making this policy. But at
the same time, you leave this big open can of
worms where you can kind of put any material on
(19:28):
the market, call it whatever you want. There's not really
any repercussions for it, so you have to just kind
of as a shop owner, my job is to work
with brands where I have a direct line of communication
with them. I can see the certificates on the electronics
and the materials, and I can be like, cool, there's
no lead in here, there's no thalatees in here. Just
(19:51):
for a couple of the big things to look out for.
Speaker 3 (19:54):
Was that part of your motivation to start the store?
Speaker 2 (19:57):
You know, it came throughout the process of manufact during
my own toys, because I realized that the tests you
have to get done on an item that you manufacture
are so expensive that a lot of people just don't
want to do it. It's it really boils down to
money and also just like a lack of information. But
(20:18):
I think that it's important to not like fear monger.
I think sex toys even okay, like even the safest
car in the entire world, if you get into you
can get injured. If it's if you get in an accident. Similarly,
with sex toys, you can you know, injure yourself if
you use anything incorrectly. But my job as a retailer
(20:42):
is to make the best possible decisions for my customers.
Only carry things I would want to be using, you know,
as far as like quality levels go. The issue is
that we need to be able to make informed decisions.
Like when we're at the grocery store, we're like, ah,
do I want to spend more money on the organic
ra Berri's or just like the other ones? And that
(21:03):
is the information that is lacking with sex toys. But
that's really just like boils down to the taboo. Not
to get too often to my right, my preachy mode
on all that.
Speaker 3 (21:16):
No, no, no, what's your best seller? Like what is
it do you? And are you selling primarily to men
or women?
Speaker 2 (21:21):
I would say that my personal audience is, according to
Google and Instagram women, millennial women. But we really have
like customers from all walks of life. There's no like,
there's no such thing as being too old for a
sex toy, you know, But I think that there is
(21:42):
such a double standard with the stereotypes of like who
likes what? Like vibrators can be enjoyed by anybody, right, However,
best sellers, I brought a few choice items up. I
mean I already showed you the magic wand, but uh,
this is another toy.
Speaker 3 (21:58):
For those listening to Magic Wand, which started as something
you had to plug into the wall, but now is cordless.
Would be an external like sort of starter point for
your clitterists.
Speaker 1 (22:09):
It's a yes to buy weight on your clitteress.
Speaker 3 (22:11):
Right.
Speaker 2 (22:12):
People also call them massagers. Yes, they're marketed as use
them on your back, use them on your you know,
your your neck, your foot.
Speaker 3 (22:20):
Like okay, yeah, if you come upon someone in their
living room using a massage or on their neck, my
guess is it was somewhere else before is on their neck?
Speaker 1 (22:27):
Okay, So wait, I'm interested in this shiny space.
Speaker 3 (22:30):
Yes, so now she's bringing out the shiny situation.
Speaker 1 (22:34):
Okay, that looks good. I would not necessarily know what
to do with this.
Speaker 2 (22:39):
It's a more complicated one. But the reason I want
to bring it out is because it is a best
seller in the sense that it has been around for
a really long time and it continues to be very
steadily popular, especially for its price point. It's about one
hundred and ten dollars, which you know for aduldo is
a little pricey. So this is the stainless steel This
(23:02):
is called the low wand hoop, but it is very
similar to the original silhouette, which was the Enjoy Pure
wand basically just like a C shape that's made out
of stainless steel. So you can use either end. There's
so many different ways to use it. Some people use
it in like a rocking motion for like very intense
g spot or prostate stimulation. Sometimes people kind of move
(23:25):
it in and out and more of a tugging motion
or swiveling motion. It's really pinpoint pressure inside your body,
as opposed to a dildo that is just kind of
like uniform straight shape throughout.
Speaker 1 (23:42):
Can I ask why it's made of metal? Why is
it made of me stalinless steel? Because you can stainless?
Is it because you can heat it and cool it?
Speaker 2 (23:49):
Yeah, that's one reason people like it. It's also so
different having a hard material inside your body, just like
the resistance feels very different. But also like, you know,
there's zero bend to this, and like silicone or you know,
the human body obviously bends, So it's trying to mimic
(24:11):
the like come hither motion, which is what it's generally
called for. How you want to finger somebody if you're
stimulating their G spot or prostate.
Speaker 3 (24:36):
For those who have a hard time with this, who
are sort of like going, I feel stigmatized or I
feel ashamed even even talking about this. Do you feel
like you've had experience with people like that and what
do you feel like has been like the aha moment
for you in speaking to people like that to help
(24:57):
them get comfortable with whatever they're going to ultimately be
comfortable with, right, Like you have to always check in
with yourself, but has there been you know, a way
of connecting with people and going like, oh, there was
this aha moment, this is how they got over that stigma,
that shame totally.
Speaker 2 (25:16):
I think it really depends on the source of that
and like what sets that off for that person individually.
I'm going to kind of go back to something you
said earlier to answer this, which is that there's so
many aspects of sex that aren't literally sexual, and a
lot of this has to do with sex education in school.
(25:39):
Sex education doesn't have to be like the nuts and
bolts and just the anatomy. Really like starting out at
any age, you can talk about consent and boundaries and
you don't have to give you know, uncle so and
so a hug if you don't want to, or I'm
not going to make you eat this food if you're
not hungry right now, Like giving a child the autonomy
(26:03):
to think for themselves and decide yes or no, so
that they don't you know, feel like, oh well when
I say no, it doesn't really matter because then you know,
you start to internalize.
Speaker 3 (26:15):
That that's such an incredible point and so well put, yeah,
I love that.
Speaker 2 (26:19):
Yeah. So I think that whether the aversion to talking
about sex is about like shame based whether that be
from messages we got when we were younger or negative
experiences as an adult, there's there are also people who
are asexual, and you know, perhaps they really want companionship
(26:42):
but not the sexual stimulation portion. And there you know,
at the end of the day, we all want some
level of intimacy with other people and ourselves, but maybe
that isn't physical, Maybe that's just emotional. You know, there's
still much pleasure in companionship, and relationships aren't just romantic
(27:07):
and sexual. There are platonic ones as well.
Speaker 3 (27:09):
So I'm hearing you say that if you're feeling like
there's a stigma or there's a shame around how you're
thinking about or talking about sex, that it would be
a good thing to examine the root of it, where
it came from, because a lot of times these things
can happen when we're younger and we get older and
we're meant to evolve, we're meant to change. So checking
(27:30):
in with our younger selves and saying like, does this
still hold true? Do I still feel this way? Is
this still you know? Is the authority figure still the
authority figure in my life? Who am I disappointing? Right by?
Who am I disappointing my engaging in this conversation? Am
I disappointing someone else? Or am I disappointing myself. These
are all questions I think that are very valid to
ask yourself as you're sort of starting to talk about
(27:50):
sexuality in a very open way. I love this whole
idea you were talking about selling mostly or a bulk
of your clients were millennials. I love this whole sex positive.
I mean, what would you call it? I mean, is
it a movement? Is it a phrase? Is it a
and what does it mean? Because I've heard a lot
of other people that were older be like, well, isn't
that just another word for like, you know, I mean,
(28:12):
I don't know, in circums annoying. Yeah, the annoying and
negative thought that you're just like, you know, it's the slutshaming, right,
it's the it's the it's the it's the there can't
be anything good that comes of all this sex. So
now there's this whole idea that there's a sex positivity.
So so what do you how would you explain that?
Speaker 2 (28:31):
I think the definition has changed so much, especially in
the last ten years, because it's become one of those
buzzwords that gets used in so many different contexts that
it kind of becomes just a super generalized term for me.
I would define it as not having to be having
(28:52):
It's not about having wild and crazy sex or kinky
sex or anything like that. It is trying to foster
a shame free approach to it or your lack thereof,
and an open mindedness for the sex lives and needs
of others, kind of excluding basically anything that isn't safe
(29:17):
or consensual adults engaging in you know, consensual sex and
and all that. You know, it's it's kind of like,
even if it's not for you, if it's you know,
positive for somebody, not to yuck their yum. I think
that's one.
Speaker 1 (29:36):
Way of putting it.
Speaker 3 (29:38):
But yeah, that doesn't.
Speaker 2 (29:39):
Mean you have to be down for every little sexual
fad or like you have to have anal. Sex is
a really big one. I hear where people think that
being sex positive means you must force yourself to do
every sex act or you must be non monogamous or
something like that.
Speaker 3 (30:00):
I think that's such an important thing to just break
for for a moment. Is that it is so important
to consistently check in with yourself about what is right
for you. There's a lot of noise. The constant checking
in with yourself about what you're excited to do and
(30:20):
what you're comfortable to do, and making sure that as
much as it sounds nerdy in the throes of some
fun stuff, to check in, I think it's important to
check in.
Speaker 1 (30:29):
What I love about this conversation is I see it
more as for me personally. In my journey, I didn't
know what could make me orgasm. I felt lost myself.
So when I had in the early days, when I
had a partner, I didn't know what to tell them
that I liked. And so I feel like buying a
(30:51):
sex toy, having those solo missions by yourself is really
just like self education, and I'm learning about my own body.
Is I literally had no idea what would work to
make me have an orgasm. I didn't know what speed,
I didn't know where, I didn't know what I liked.
And I just feel like it's an exploration of finding
(31:12):
out more about yourself. So going and buying a sex toy,
taking it home, seeing what feels good, seeing what doesn't
feel good. I feel like, then when you have your
sexual partner, you're able to actually articulate what it is
it's going to have you orgasm. And I hated the
feeling of feeling lost. I was like, I guess that
feels good. I don't know. And I think that that's
(31:36):
where so many people can I just think it's a
way for everyone to embrace this idea that it's no
shame around it. It's really just education about your body too,
like how do I work?
Speaker 3 (31:47):
Oh, I love every single thing you just said. I
love everything you just said, and it's so, so, so true.
And I think by the way, that kind of thinking
sort of led to a lot of the like when
Harry met Sally stuff right, like the the the partner thinking,
you know, the other one had climaxed and it was
all just completely like what the other partner thought they
(32:08):
were supposed to do, but they didn't know how to do.
And I think we're living in a time where the
sex positivity piece is that you can not know and
that can be okay, and you can say something and
you can and you can and you can fix that problem.
Speaker 2 (32:22):
And it's a journey too. Even trying something and realizing
you do not like it is part of figuring out
and honing in what you do. Like, so I think
that a lot of the apprehension is like what if
I try this thing that works for everybody and it
doesn't work for me. What does that say about me?
(32:44):
There is no such thing as like a thing everybody
likes and again figuring out like I really do not
like you know, uh flicky flickering sensations or whatever. Great,
you've just learned a huge piece of information that will
event help you get to what you do.
Speaker 3 (33:01):
Like, So, in addition to the toys, do you have
a conversation starters for people? I mean people who are
experiencing this sort of like I don't know what to
say or I don't know what to do, Like is
there advice that you have for getting you're.
Speaker 1 (33:12):
Talking about people in a relationship Like yeah, okay, okay, okay, how.
Speaker 3 (33:16):
Do you approach the conversation of you you have a partner,
you're really excited about all the things that are about
to happen, you don't know how to talk about it
or you're not yet sure like what you're operating instructions are,
and like how do you how do you start that
conversation in a way that doesn't feel I mean that
you don't worry about it feeling clumsy.
Speaker 2 (33:36):
I also think it's like totally okay to be clumsy. Yeah,
but I know exactly what you mean. Even couples who
have been together forever and ever, these conversations are like
constantly evolving and it's more of a journey than a
one and done thing because the type of sex you
might be wanting to have, you know, first thing in
(33:59):
the morning on a tunes if that's your time frame
versus you know a week later, you're going to be
in a different mental space. You're not going to feel
the exact same way you did that exact moment.
Speaker 1 (34:09):
Well, I think, by the way, that's why you need
a partner that you really love. And you no, no, no,
it's not that you really love necessarily, so you feel
really comfortable with because communication, but all of these things
are very vulnerable and intimate, right, And so we're talking
about moments where you might say like I don't like that?
Can you try this? And having that confidence to not
(34:31):
know that your partners like right there with you is
going to make your sex life so much better. And
I feel like what I feel like happened you know,
years ago, maybe still happening now. Is I feel like, also,
there was this thing where as a woman you didn't
want to bring a sex toy into sex because maybe
(34:54):
you feel like the guy I was feeling like he
wasn't doing something well enough, and it was like, you know,
you're bringing something, you know. I think it's really important
to get rid of all of those feelings too, and
know that because you want to bring something into sex
to level up your sex life is not a comment
or a judgment on your sex partner. They're not doing
(35:18):
anything wrong. You're just adding more things in to make
it delicious.
Speaker 2 (35:23):
I think a really good comparison is if you look
at sex toys as tools. Almost everything in human life
we have adapted to using tools. We eat with utensils
or you know, chopsticks or a fork, but you can
also eat with your hands. That's doable, obviously. And similarly,
(35:44):
if you're building a house, nobody's going around being like, yeah,
well it's not a real it's not a real house
because you use power tools. Like you didn't do it
all by hand. You didn't stand it by hand. You've
got to you know, you used to a sander, Like
nobody sees other aspects of life as being compromised when
(36:06):
we use a tool. So I think that viewing toys
as a competitor can be shifted into being like this
is a collaborative item. I am using with my partner.
Speaker 1 (36:17):
I love that so much.
Speaker 3 (36:20):
Oh, I just need some more tools from a toolbox.
Speaker 1 (36:22):
So we were sent ahead of this the plus one
sex toy. It looks like this. I'm going to show
you everyone in the box again, looks.
Speaker 3 (36:30):
Like this and when one end it up, I have
one here as well.
Speaker 1 (36:33):
You have one here. Is very soft, it feels amazing, okay,
and it comes with this situation too, so you need
to charge it, okay. So tell us about this particular
sex toy.
Speaker 2 (36:44):
Yeah, that is a something I would loosely categorize as
a vibrating bullet. The name comes from they used to
make them out of hard plastic and like put a
silvery finish on them, which is where it got its name.
But it really is just a term that refers to
any small or compact vibratory. And what's really great about
(37:06):
small vibrators is that you can put them into, you know,
smaller spaces, fit them between bodies more easily. A bullet
is not insertable just because it's a little too short
and definitely not like butt safe. But there's also like
toys that have a hollow hole inside of them, like
(37:27):
a dildo or a plug. They'll have like a little
hollow base where you can stick the vibrator inside to
make another toy vibrate. A lot of cock rings also
work that way. You like slip it through or in harnesses.
If you're having like a strap on sex and using
a harness and a dildo, a lot of people like
(37:48):
to put vibrators into the harness so that the person
wearing it can feel the vibration.
Speaker 1 (37:53):
I didn't know that you could. I didn't know that
there were sex toys that were made to have other
sex toys added.
Speaker 2 (38:00):
Oh yeah, they're very interactive, and like same with the
wands too. There's like all these attachments you can flop
on top that do make them insertable.
Speaker 1 (38:11):
This particular sex toy is especially safe in as.
Speaker 2 (38:14):
Much as a sex toy can be.
Speaker 1 (38:16):
Yes, absolutely, I mean, like the materials it's made of
and things like that that way.
Speaker 2 (38:21):
Okay, I'm familiar with the brand and the people who
make it, and they are pretty well known as a manufacturer,
So yes, I definitely think that it's like a solid brand.
Speaker 1 (38:33):
Before we dive into questions, I saw something in our
pre notes that had me fall on the floor and
that was Is it true? Please tell me it's not true.
I'm hoping that we made a mistake. If you order
a toy from Amazon, there is potential that that toy
is a returned toy that you're now getting.
Speaker 2 (38:52):
I don't work at Amazon, so I can't tell you
exactly what their methodology is. But in general, I run
into this issue as a story that does not accept
returns or exchanges because otherwise it would compromise the health
and safety of my customers. So obviously, if something is
(39:14):
defective or broken, or there's some type of issue with it,
that is a very different story.
Speaker 3 (39:20):
But basically, if you're buying sex Whys from a place
that accepts refunds.
Speaker 1 (39:25):
Or returns, we're not sure that we're not guaranteed on
what we're getting.
Speaker 3 (39:28):
They could be recirculated.
Speaker 1 (39:30):
Well, that's why we're all going to Spectrum boutique. No one,
Everyone log off of Amazon right now, take it out
of your cart, and go to Spectrum.
Speaker 2 (39:40):
I really don't mean to fear monger Win saying that,
because there are so many legit awesome brands that have
like their storefront on Amazon.
Speaker 1 (39:49):
Okay, we just need to do our research.
Speaker 2 (39:51):
It's just like how a lot of lingerie is not returnable.
Speaker 1 (39:54):
Yes, yes, yes, I'm just saying. It's just something that
never crossed my mind. So like, if you're doing just
your research, I would not have looked yet. I wouldn't
even thought about having to look and research that. I think.
I think just reading that possibility was so shocking to me.
(40:23):
We have questions from the crew. They wrote in specifically
for you. Okay, so Sarah said, I would like to
know what are the best moves to be doing being
a girl, so that doesn't feel like my boyfriend is
doing all of the work. I feel like I don't
know how to move right and I don't want it
to always be him doing the work. I would like
(40:44):
to be better help. What do you advise for this?
What are some moves?
Speaker 3 (40:49):
Yeah, girl needs some moves.
Speaker 2 (40:52):
I definitely don't have like the special magic bullet answer.
I think that a very boring answer is ask your partner.
I think that if you want really specific like moves
and stuff, I think that's also again where I don't
want to say that porn is like an education for that.
Speaker 3 (41:15):
I was gonna say porn because I wanted to ask
this question. I would like to know, like if if
Sarah would like to if Sarah would like Sarah's a
visual learner and Sarah wants to get some help, is
there a place to go to for a well lit
some storyline to action value Jessica to I what production
(41:36):
value high production value porn? For Sarah. I want her
to be able to look at it and not and
also like not judge herself for looking at it and
be like I'm imagining that, Sarah, maybe you wouldn't. But
then where she can go where it's like, Okay, that's
a creative move that I can have, right, because she's
saying I don't know what to do and he's doing
all the work.
Speaker 2 (41:55):
I want to make sure I do clarify though, that
so much of porn is stuff that is just done
for camera. So there's a huge difference between watching like
a studio production where there is a whole set and
it's you know, versus is watching like an independent creator
who's like on a webcam, who is like maybe doing
(42:15):
things with their partner. Like this category is often referred
to as like amateur, but there's a huge difference between
like Ah there's a couple on webcam versus like there's
all this studio set and set up. So I don't
want everyone thinking like, ah, whatever you see in porn,
go do it, it's gonna feel great. So much of
(42:36):
sex is like in the brain, and like the brain
is the biggest sexual organ in that way. So like
also tying in the dirty talk and like for play,
it's all kind of like building up this pressure cooker
in your brain of like the fantasy component or lack
thereof getting excited and anticipating what's going to happen later
(42:59):
in the day.
Speaker 1 (43:00):
Technically, I mean like girl on top. Those are some mooves.
I mean, like you're doing you're doing some moves. If
you sit on top of a guy reverse cow girl,
you're on top, you're facing the other way.
Speaker 2 (43:12):
Yeah, there's benefits of being on top because you're because
you're able to control your bodily movement a little bit more.
Speaker 3 (43:20):
Okay, wait, I really want to get to another one.
So this one is anonymous. Is it normal to feel
shame after masturbation? I get a wave of sadness and shame.
I don't know why, as it's something I'm not shy
to talk about. And it is a healthy part of life,
but for some reason I feel disgusted when it's me.
Speaker 1 (43:38):
Just the phrase that you always say, like, we got
to get curious. I know, you got to get curious
with yourself right in a situation like this and ask.
Speaker 3 (43:46):
Yourself why yeah, which goes back to what I think
you were saying earlier Zoe about you know, where in
your development was that idea introduced?
Speaker 2 (43:56):
Where?
Speaker 3 (43:56):
And where who in the story of your life said?
Speaker 2 (43:59):
You know?
Speaker 3 (44:00):
Storations disgusting, because likely someone said it, and I think
that that would be a good place to start.
Speaker 2 (44:09):
Absolutely. I think a lot of questions are kind of
hinging on is this normal or not? And this is
a perfect example of a question like that. There is
no such thing as normal, so it is. I think,
like maybe the question is also like is this a
(44:30):
thing that other people experience? Because if you know it's normal,
there's nothing wrong with your feelings and how you feel.
Shame is like a natural emotion we all feel, but
having it towards pleasure can be really confusing and contradictory.
And obviously if you want to change that, and it
(44:51):
sounds like you might want to if you're asking this question,
I think that there's like so many diff different ways
you can have intimacy with yourself that again is not
directly sexual and can and can get there. For some
people that means like just doing external stimulation and building
(45:14):
up comfort with that. But I guess what I really
want to make sure is said, though, is that like
it's normal in the sense that like there is nothing
wrong with you for feeling that way. Does everybody feel
that way? No, A lot of people definitely feel that
way because that is societally the message we all kind
of receive.
Speaker 3 (45:35):
But if you if you don't want to feel that way,
there is a path forward. And if you don't want
to feel the solutle to yourself, there is a path forward,
and I think that you will find it again. I
think that they're getting curious and talking to people around you.
I think there's real safety and numbers about this kind
of stuff. Right, Like you, when you see someone else
having a similar experience, or when someone's talking about it
and they have no shame, that might be a little contagious,
(45:57):
right You might think, Oh, that's that they don't have
any shame, So maybe I don't have any shame, Okay,
I just want to get to this very last one,
and then I want to thank you so much for
your time. My sister Sasha was the one who brought
you to us, and I'm so grateful to her. She knows,
she knows all of it. Okay. The last question is
from anonymous again, is it healthy for me to be
so noisy during sex and my boyfriend not to be
(46:19):
until he actually reaches climax? Also, why can't I climax
with actual sex inside of me? I feel like so
many people want to know this. I feel like I
hear the answer, but you go.
Speaker 2 (46:30):
For it totally, you know us. Okay, So the first
part of that question, there's absolutely nothing wrong actually with
a lot of things where people are like, I do
this differently from my partner. It would honestly be like
more unusual for you to be the have the exact
same libido as your partner to make the exact same
(46:51):
amount of noise. So there's always going to be differences
in how we express how we feel. So no, I mean,
unless you're like, oh, I want to be more respectful
of the neighbors. I mean, but I'm just kidding.
Speaker 3 (47:06):
And then she's asking why she can't climax with actual
sex inside of her.
Speaker 2 (47:10):
I think that going back to the lack of awareness
we have about the clit, the clit is the external
clitteral stimulation is required for the vast majority of people
to have an orgasm. So if there's no clitteral stimulation,
if you if you can have an orgasm without direct
(47:30):
external clitteral stimulation, you are actually statistically on like that
is just less so a thing. I can put that
in a you can put that more succinctly.
Speaker 3 (47:42):
You are in the minority if you are climaxing during exactly.
Speaker 2 (47:48):
Thank you for putting that so eloquently. And I think
a lot of people don't realize that the clit is
also an internal organ and the external part that we
see is just like the tip of the iceberg, so
much of it goes inside and between the vaginal canal
and the belly side essentially is like the whole body
(48:11):
of the clitterists. So you are stimulating the glitterists from
inside when you are having penetrative sex. And that's not
to say that there aren't other pleasurable spots within the
vagina that feel really good, but if you are not
giving direct contact to the clit that is most of
the time. The culprit for having a hard time achieving
(48:33):
orgasm is that what that silver.
Speaker 3 (48:35):
Situation would be getting too more first, Oh the g spot, Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah,
I had a feeling, yes, purpose, yeah, I think popularity
could be explained definitely. Oh my gosh, there's going to
be a part two for sure.
Speaker 1 (48:52):
Oh, there's a part for I.
Speaker 2 (48:54):
Would love to take it the beginning.
Speaker 1 (48:56):
Thank you so much for joining us. We have so
many morequestions from the crew. We have to get to
next time, and please come back.
Speaker 2 (49:05):
It would be my pleasure. Thank you so much for
the wonderful questions. I think that these are all really
great and honest and vulnerable questions, and I appreciate you
coming letting me come shut a little bit of lad.
Speaker 3 (49:20):
Yes, and now and now that we you know, obviously
you have your spectrum boutique. Imagine you have an Instagram handle.
Speaker 2 (49:27):
Yes, my personal account is thong Ria like the underwear
uh th h O N G R I A. Or
you can just google my name Zoe Ligan. But it's
it's a lot of a lot of sex toys. Obviously
you'll be prepared if you if you search me fantastic.
Speaker 3 (49:47):
Thank you so much, thank you so much, thank you,
thank you.
Speaker 1 (49:52):
I hope you guys enjoyed this episode. Continue to send
us in your questions, your queries, because we will have
her back on. This is going to be a continuing thing.
We're learning with you guys too, as you can tell.
And Jessica, you want to call it.
Speaker 3 (50:08):
Let's call this the end of the beginning of lots
more episodes.
Speaker 2 (50:14):
Oh, I like that.
Hosts And Creators
Jessica Capshaw
Camilla Luddington
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