April 19, 2023 • 19 mins
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to Can't Flee Reckless, the production of iHeart Radio
and the Black Effects Mike Check one to Want two.
The Realist is Back. What did you gonna do?
Speaker 2 (00:21):
Guess what? Y'all?
Speaker 1 (00:22):
Welcome to Season three of Carefully Reckless. This a third
time I spun the ben three times on a ass, y'all.
I'm happy to be back.
Speaker 2 (00:31):
Listen.
Speaker 1 (00:31):
That's clap it up for me. Clap it up, clap
it up, clap it up, because this would not be
a podcast without y'all, and I'm super excited to jump
straight in this season. We're going to be fixing mess
just like we.
Speaker 2 (00:42):
Was last season. And my apologies, y'all.
Speaker 1 (00:45):
I told y'all that I would not be taking a
break in between seasons, that I was just gonna go
straight into it and the last episode of the last
season would be immediately followed by the first episode in
the third season. But I had some things that I
had to do. I'm doing way more TV than IVER
been doing before. I got a lot of new projects
coming out on different networks, streaming networks, cable, doing movies
(01:07):
that are gonna be in theaters, Still touring full time,
still being a mom as full time as I can
and listen. It's been a journey, but I'm glad that
you guys are patient and you guys are willing to
go through it with me. So we're gonna jump straight in, y'all,
this very first story that we're about to jump into.
I gave her advice before. I don't know if you
guys remember her, but she was in a relationship with
(01:29):
the guy. Everything was good, was perfect. Now they're young,
I do believe, if I can remember, they were a
young couple in their early twenties, and she had a
problem with drinking, and he didn't like that. She would
drink Kasumigo's, you know, tequila, until the point where she
were black out, and they would get into arguments and
stuff like that. And she went through his phone and
caught him talking to somebody. Nothing had ever happened. He
(01:50):
never like, she never found any proof that he actually
slept with someone or met up with him. But he
had started conversating with somebody in his past or whatever.
I guess just seeking the attention and that she had
stopped giving him due to her alcoholism or whatever. But
she is back with an update, so let's listen to
what she gotta say, Hi, Jess.
Speaker 3 (02:09):
I just really needed you to fix my mess again.
I had messaged you earlier about a bitch being on
off of the Cosamigos, like a couple of months ago,
and then I went through my man's phone saw some
things I didn't want to see. We're about ten months later,
but long story short, we ended up breaking up.
Speaker 4 (02:26):
He ended up moving out.
Speaker 3 (02:27):
I ended up being a motherfucking bodybuilder helping him move
his motherfucking couches out.
Speaker 4 (02:32):
Where was his friends at? So now I was.
Speaker 3 (02:35):
Without couches, I was without a bedroom dresser.
Speaker 4 (02:39):
But whatever, he ended up moving out, it is what
it is.
Speaker 3 (02:42):
We stopped talking for a little bit, and then we
ended up meeting up a few months later. So we
ended up breaking up in about August. And we started
talking again in about November, like right before Thanksgiving, and
we met up at like one of the.
Speaker 4 (03:03):
Places if we just like to go to when we
went and talked.
Speaker 3 (03:06):
Long story short, we just started talking and I just
noticed our communication is getting actively better.
Speaker 4 (03:11):
We do listen separate places now.
Speaker 3 (03:13):
I sometimes spend the night at his place, he spends
the night at my place. And I am twenty three
he is twenty five, So I do feel like it's
healthy that we had this period only because we'd only
known each other for two months before he initially moved in.
But now we're getting to the point where we were
together for two years, living together for two years, but.
Speaker 4 (03:36):
He moved out, and I would genuinely say, one hundred percent,
we're getting better. But how long am I supposed to
wait to ask to be his girlfriend again?
Speaker 3 (03:46):
Like I keep applying pressure, pplying pressure. It's not about
giving alltimatums. It's more just about come on out. Like
the same thing I tell him, Why do I feel
like I'm auditioning to be your girlfriend? And you know,
sometimes it's like Instagram gets into my head, But it
is that if he wanted to, he would.
Speaker 4 (04:04):
So if we broke up in August, we.
Speaker 3 (04:08):
Started talking again in November, and now it's April and
we have we lived together two years.
Speaker 4 (04:14):
We're hitting year three of knowing each other.
Speaker 3 (04:16):
We're doing just random things like snow tubing, We're talking
about planning vacations.
Speaker 4 (04:21):
Here's the thing. End of the day, he's talking about
me being meeting his mom again just for his birthday.
Speaker 3 (04:28):
He wants her to come down here to Lake Tahoe,
he's like, oh, yeah, I already told her you were
going to be there, because it's not that me and
his mom had problems, but you know, when you break
up with her baby, then obviously you're gonna have problems.
So everything is going so good. We're talking so much healthier.
It's not about screaming or yelling at each other. Granted,
(04:49):
I still have hiccups off the costum egos.
Speaker 4 (04:51):
So here's the thing.
Speaker 3 (04:53):
This man sees my soul in a way that I
can't describe. And I'm a very dominant, aggressive person, but
when I'm around him, I just want him to understand
that I just want.
Speaker 4 (05:09):
Him and I want to be around him.
Speaker 3 (05:12):
And it just makes me emotional because first I wasn't
able to describe how much I felt for him, But like,
this man is my whole heart, and it's kind of
just dumb to tell people that someone's your whole heart
when you guys have already been together and it didn't
work out, and now you're trying to make it work
(05:32):
and now you're in a situationship. But you explain to
them how it's getting better, but they don't understand it,
and it's not for them to understand and that's the thing.
You tell people what you want to tell them, but
at the end of the day, you can't describe how
this person makes you feel. And I can definitely say
how we are right now is one hundred percent better
than how we were during our honeymoon phase, like of
(05:56):
like the first six months of knowing each other, six
months to a year. I just see such potential in
what we could be together. And I still feel like
he's stuck on old stuff or I don't really know
what he's stuck on or what he's afraid of. But
the reason that I called or just since this tonight
(06:17):
was because I had finally told him how I felt.
Speaker 4 (06:20):
I've been keeping like stuff bottled up. You know. I
had a little bit of one no cost of egos,
no cost a egos.
Speaker 3 (06:27):
But I did have some wine tonight with my girl.
We're about to go on our cruise in three days
to Mexico, so I just told him how I felt.
He just came back from Dallas. I'm about to go
to Mexico. So I just told him flat out, like
sometimes I get nervous when he goes other places because
we don't have any rules of established commitment and I
(06:48):
want that. I want you to be loyal to me,
and I want to be loyal to you. We were
together for two years. You lived with me for two years.
We might have broke up for a little bit, but
in general, you know who I am.
Speaker 4 (07:03):
You know we have a good time together.
Speaker 3 (07:05):
But it's not just a good time, it's just we
just when people say like it's just something that you
can't explain, that's how I really feel about him.
Speaker 4 (07:14):
And it's definitely not perfect.
Speaker 3 (07:16):
I'm not perfect and he's not perfect, and I'm not
saying we don't have hiccups.
Speaker 4 (07:19):
But if you find someone that you want to really rock.
Speaker 3 (07:22):
With or really deal with, then I think you decide
you want to work it out.
Speaker 4 (07:27):
And I feel like I figured it out.
Speaker 3 (07:29):
And it's hard to tell someone that you figured it out,
but you don't want to hit them with the ultimatum.
But then you see shit on Instagram like, oh, but
if he wanted to, he will, And I get.
Speaker 4 (07:43):
The if he wanted to, it will.
Speaker 3 (07:45):
But if you also did things in the past that
makes him question why he should, then I can't just
be like, what are you waiting for? Because if I
were perfect, there would literally be no reason there's nothing
wrong with weighing out pros and cons, but it's just
the fact that I don't know, Jess. I guess what
I am asking is everyone has pros and cons to
(08:06):
their spouse. But what do you think are the key
factors or elements that are needed to make a relationship
last consistently in long term?
Speaker 4 (08:18):
That is ultimately my question.
Speaker 3 (08:20):
Just a couple of things, Just a little bit of advice,
like what is how do you know it's long term?
Or what do you do to make it long term?
Just anything would help. Thank you so much. But as always, Jess,
you are one of my favorite podcasts listen to, so
I just wanted to.
Speaker 4 (08:37):
Send you an audio.
Speaker 3 (08:38):
I would just love some advice because I love this man,
and I know this man loves me. But when you
come from families that never show you how to how
do you love on someone, How do you choose to
be vulnerable with someone, how do you open up with
someone in your most vulnerable moments?
Speaker 4 (09:00):
And how do.
Speaker 3 (09:02):
You work through like already pent up residual shit.
Speaker 4 (09:06):
You know, I'm sorry, I know I'm hitting you with
a lot of questions.
Speaker 3 (09:10):
It's just I'm not necessarily asking you all this it's
just man. I love this man, so please just give
me something, help me.
Speaker 4 (09:19):
Please.
Speaker 3 (09:20):
Oh and just to give you a little bit more background,
we live on the West Coast. Neither of us have kids,
and obviously we have two separate compoles and two different cars.
Speaker 1 (09:30):
Hold up, hold up, I know this shit getting good,
But listen to just a couple seconds of a commercial.
Speaker 2 (09:35):
If you love me, you'll listen.
Speaker 1 (09:38):
Hey girl, so you checked back in with me, and
I love that. First of all, it's nothing wrong with
you venting. Stop apologizing for asking me.
Speaker 2 (09:46):
So many questions. Stop it. If I didn't want to
fix your mess, I wouldn't be doing this, you know.
Speaker 1 (09:50):
If I felt like this was too much, or if
one person's story was going to involve too many different
complex questions, I wouldn't even be doing this right now.
Sometimes you just need to vent, to vent to somebody
that you don't know and who don't know you, and
who wouldn't be biased, because I'm not ever going to
be biased. I am a woman, and I stand with women. However,
sometimes we're wrong and sometimes men are wrong, you know,
(10:11):
So I stand with who is right, But I give perspectives,
two perspectives on each situation, you know. And I'm here
to help people open up their minds, you know, so
you don't look at a situation one particular way. You
don't be too closed minded, you know, to see what
your problem is or to see how you could be
making this person react. Now, let's get to the part
(10:33):
with the auditioned part. You said you feel like you
are auditioning to be his girlfriend again because you guys
were together, but some damage was done. You guys needed
to separate and then revisit. You guys are in a
good space right now, but you're kind of back and forth.
I can tell that you love him, yes, and I
can tell that you also know that you messed up too, okay.
But the key in that is okay. You know that
(10:58):
you messed up. You owned it, your apologize. That's all
you can do. Do not keep beating a dead horse,
And what I mean is beating on yourself. Don't keep
beating yourself up about what happened in the past. Because
y'all two have done somewhat of a reconciliation, you know, y'all,
it seems like you guys are getting back or trying
(11:20):
to navigate back to that good place that you guys
once we're in. But it's like a wall built up
on his side. I don't know the severity of detriment
behind what you did to him, but apparently it's taking
him a little bit more time than you would like
to get back together with you. Are you also communicating
(11:43):
what you ask me for? The tools to actually make
something long term? How do you keep it together? How
do you get that longevity in a relationship that has
gone through problems? The tool is honesty, communication, and time.
You got to give another person time. Just because you're
over what you did and you're over seeing somebody that
(12:06):
he talked to in the phone, doesn't mean that he
can get over it as quickly as you did. You
know what I'm saying, Because we as females can look
at it like, damn, you act like I cheated on you.
I didn't cheat on you.
Speaker 3 (12:17):
You know.
Speaker 1 (12:17):
So all I had was a little alcohol, you know,
was a little drinking problem. But you don't know how
traumatic that was for him. You don't know his trauma
behind that. He could have grown up with a drunk
in his family that he saw abuse his cousins or
you know, not saying that's the case, but that could
be the case.
Speaker 2 (12:36):
Now this is your.
Speaker 1 (12:37):
Boyfriend, your ex boyfriend soon to be boyfriend again if
that happens. So you know him way more than I
know him. You know him well. But I know people,
I know what I've been through, I know certain situations,
you know. I know how people work in certain situations
depending on the situation.
Speaker 4 (12:56):
You know.
Speaker 1 (12:58):
And even in my last relationship, we will argue and
I can get over things quicker.
Speaker 2 (13:04):
I would be over it, like you know, in a
few hours.
Speaker 1 (13:07):
It would take him a few days to have the
process and internalize and look at it from this from
this microscope over here in the corner, and then you
have to go girl. And at times that shit gets
annoying as fuck. I'm just gonna say some people are
slower than others. And I don't mean that coming at
anybody's intelligence or whatever. I'm not talking about your mental capacity, No,
I'm not. I'm talking about transitioning, Like you can't transition
(13:31):
out of an argument until you fully processed it and
all that shit. That shit is annoying when you are
with someone who don't really hold grudges, who can't stay
in one fucking miserable space, miserable space for too long, Like, no.
Speaker 2 (13:45):
Let's get past this shit. Let's talk about this shit,
Let's get over it.
Speaker 1 (13:47):
I don't want to let anything linger. I don't want
to go to sleep angry, motherfucker. That's that's what you
want to do. And I know it sounds like that.
I'm going back in time. That's why that nigga is
my ex. I cannot deal with somebody who takes too
fucking long. Yep, the Bottomore two. Do not take too
fucking long getting over this shit, because by the time
(14:08):
you get over it in a few days or weeks,
I'm already on something else. And I don't mean on
another guy I'm talking about. Listen, I'm on some other shit.
I'm on some other shit. I cannot dwell and be
grudging about some shit with the man that I plan
to spend the rest of my life with, you know
what I'm saying. But we also that's also us putting
(14:29):
expectations on people, putting standards on people, and trusting them
to handle situations like we would handle them. Everybody's different,
you know, and it's different strokes for different folks. If
you love me, you'll listen to this commercial and then
we'll be right back. I think you should give him
just a little bit more time. You know, it hasn't
(14:49):
been ages since y'all broke up.
Speaker 2 (14:52):
You know.
Speaker 1 (14:53):
I think that you need to communicate with him that
you have changed, you know, if you haven't already, And
I think that you need to solidify some type of boundary.
I think, like you said, you can just make it
as a conversation. Hey, I know we haven't solidified anything
yet official.
Speaker 2 (15:13):
That would deem us official. Again.
Speaker 1 (15:16):
We haven't established any type of commitment as to are
we going to just try this exclusively together? Are we
dating other people while we're trying to be back together?
Because that you know that doesn't work. Everybody in they
right mind knows that shit don't work.
Speaker 4 (15:30):
You know.
Speaker 1 (15:31):
I think that needs to be a conversation, maybe after
your cruise, Before your cruise. You just sent this to me,
so I think you may already be back from your cruise.
You sent this last week, Okay, so you might even
be back from your cruise. I think you should sit
down and talk to him about it. See how he is.
Is he nonchalant with you? Does he give you vibes
like I'm a fuck with you? Just because you was
(15:52):
my ex, and I'm comfortable with you. You know, do
you think do you actually really think he sees the
future with you? Get inside of his mind if you
know how to do that, and you should be able
to know how to do it because you ain't drunk.
You said you done went to wine, and that's great,
you know, and you're young.
Speaker 2 (16:08):
You're young, you're young, Okay.
Speaker 1 (16:10):
A lot of us have gone through things dealing with
alcohol and shit.
Speaker 2 (16:14):
You know, I'm in my thirties.
Speaker 1 (16:15):
Girl, I'm thirty one, and I'm telling you, I don't
want to look at another fucking bottle of Kasumi Go's.
Speaker 2 (16:20):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (16:20):
I did that shit all through my twenties, Tequila and
kanyak and vaka and all that shit. Girl, I'm so
sick of fucking liquor. So communication, communicate with him, sit
down and talk to him. Check back in with me,
because I really think that you also shouldn't swallow yourself
up in trying to be with him. Either you're early
in age, boo, you're twenty five or twenty three, I
(16:41):
don't remember which one you said, was twenty five or
twenty three? You were him, but it's so many other
things that you could be focusing on.
Speaker 2 (16:46):
I know you love him.
Speaker 1 (16:47):
I know I know you love him, love him enough
to let him go and see if he's as find
his way back. Love his ass like that, love is
ass from a distance. He'll be fine and you will too. Okay,
check back in with me.
Speaker 2 (16:59):
Let me. I think that was a pretty good one.
Speaker 1 (17:03):
Her story took up a lot of times, So we'll
be back next week with a second episode of season three. Y'all,
clap it out one more time. Clap it up, clap
it up, clap it up.
Speaker 2 (17:12):
I love you, guys.
Speaker 1 (17:13):
I also want you to know again you can send
in voice notes. A lot of y'all are sending me essays,
bdfs and fucking oh my god speeches, and y'all not
proofreading what y'all sending before y'all send it. So a
lot of y'all stories I can't read because I don't
know y'all, so I can't make up pieces to y'all
puzzle if y'all not really taking y'all time and reading
(17:37):
through what y'all want me to read, you know, And
then also if I try to read this shit, y'all would.
Speaker 2 (17:42):
Be like, damn, did I sound crazy? As a motherfucker.
Speaker 1 (17:44):
A lot of y'all would question y'allselves on y'all literature
and shit.
Speaker 2 (17:48):
All right, I needs y'all to slow down. I know
y'all got a lot of shit y'all want to tell me.
Speaker 1 (17:53):
And before I get out of here, the very first
Black Effect Podcast Festival will be hosted by yours truly
just hilarious y'all. Yes, the tickets are all sold out,
but that's a good thing because this is not a
one time thing. This is gonna be an annual thing.
So next year, if you didn't get your tickets for
this year, get your tickets for next year, because we
are doing this shit for years and years to come, y'all.
Speaker 2 (18:16):
Me and Charlemagne will be hosting.
Speaker 1 (18:18):
Make sure that you stay tapped in and tune in
each and every Wednesday to carefully Reckless, And then my
deepest praying boys, please can't fully Reckless. Is a production
(19:38):
of iHeartRadio and The Black Effect. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio,
visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen
to your favorite shows.
Welcome to Can't Flee Reckless, the production of iHeart Radio
and the Black Effects Mike Check one to Want two.
The Realist is Back. What did you gonna do?
Speaker 2 (00:21):
Guess what? Y'all?
Speaker 1 (00:22):
Welcome to Season three of Carefully Reckless. This a third
time I spun the ben three times on a ass, y'all.
I'm happy to be back.
Speaker 2 (00:31):
Listen.
Speaker 1 (00:31):
That's clap it up for me. Clap it up, clap
it up, clap it up, because this would not be
a podcast without y'all, and I'm super excited to jump
straight in this season. We're going to be fixing mess
just like we.
Speaker 2 (00:42):
Was last season. And my apologies, y'all.
Speaker 1 (00:45):
I told y'all that I would not be taking a
break in between seasons, that I was just gonna go
straight into it and the last episode of the last
season would be immediately followed by the first episode in
the third season. But I had some things that I
had to do. I'm doing way more TV than IVER
been doing before. I got a lot of new projects
coming out on different networks, streaming networks, cable, doing movies
(01:07):
that are gonna be in theaters, Still touring full time,
still being a mom as full time as I can
and listen. It's been a journey, but I'm glad that
you guys are patient and you guys are willing to
go through it with me. So we're gonna jump straight in, y'all,
this very first story that we're about to jump into.
I gave her advice before. I don't know if you
guys remember her, but she was in a relationship with
(01:29):
the guy. Everything was good, was perfect. Now they're young,
I do believe, if I can remember, they were a
young couple in their early twenties, and she had a
problem with drinking, and he didn't like that. She would
drink Kasumigo's, you know, tequila, until the point where she
were black out, and they would get into arguments and
stuff like that. And she went through his phone and
caught him talking to somebody. Nothing had ever happened. He
(01:50):
never like, she never found any proof that he actually
slept with someone or met up with him. But he
had started conversating with somebody in his past or whatever.
I guess just seeking the attention and that she had
stopped giving him due to her alcoholism or whatever. But
she is back with an update, so let's listen to
what she gotta say, Hi, Jess.
Speaker 3 (02:09):
I just really needed you to fix my mess again.
I had messaged you earlier about a bitch being on
off of the Cosamigos, like a couple of months ago,
and then I went through my man's phone saw some
things I didn't want to see. We're about ten months later,
but long story short, we ended up breaking up.
Speaker 4 (02:26):
He ended up moving out.
Speaker 3 (02:27):
I ended up being a motherfucking bodybuilder helping him move
his motherfucking couches out.
Speaker 4 (02:32):
Where was his friends at? So now I was.
Speaker 3 (02:35):
Without couches, I was without a bedroom dresser.
Speaker 4 (02:39):
But whatever, he ended up moving out, it is what
it is.
Speaker 3 (02:42):
We stopped talking for a little bit, and then we
ended up meeting up a few months later. So we
ended up breaking up in about August. And we started
talking again in about November, like right before Thanksgiving, and
we met up at like one of the.
Speaker 4 (03:03):
Places if we just like to go to when we
went and talked.
Speaker 3 (03:06):
Long story short, we just started talking and I just
noticed our communication is getting actively better.
Speaker 4 (03:11):
We do listen separate places now.
Speaker 3 (03:13):
I sometimes spend the night at his place, he spends
the night at my place. And I am twenty three
he is twenty five, So I do feel like it's
healthy that we had this period only because we'd only
known each other for two months before he initially moved in.
But now we're getting to the point where we were
together for two years, living together for two years, but.
Speaker 4 (03:36):
He moved out, and I would genuinely say, one hundred percent,
we're getting better. But how long am I supposed to
wait to ask to be his girlfriend again?
Speaker 3 (03:46):
Like I keep applying pressure, pplying pressure. It's not about
giving alltimatums. It's more just about come on out. Like
the same thing I tell him, Why do I feel
like I'm auditioning to be your girlfriend? And you know,
sometimes it's like Instagram gets into my head, But it
is that if he wanted to, he would.
Speaker 4 (04:04):
So if we broke up in August, we.
Speaker 3 (04:08):
Started talking again in November, and now it's April and
we have we lived together two years.
Speaker 4 (04:14):
We're hitting year three of knowing each other.
Speaker 3 (04:16):
We're doing just random things like snow tubing, We're talking
about planning vacations.
Speaker 4 (04:21):
Here's the thing. End of the day, he's talking about
me being meeting his mom again just for his birthday.
Speaker 3 (04:28):
He wants her to come down here to Lake Tahoe,
he's like, oh, yeah, I already told her you were
going to be there, because it's not that me and
his mom had problems, but you know, when you break
up with her baby, then obviously you're gonna have problems.
So everything is going so good. We're talking so much healthier.
It's not about screaming or yelling at each other. Granted,
(04:49):
I still have hiccups off the costum egos.
Speaker 4 (04:51):
So here's the thing.
Speaker 3 (04:53):
This man sees my soul in a way that I
can't describe. And I'm a very dominant, aggressive person, but
when I'm around him, I just want him to understand
that I just want.
Speaker 4 (05:09):
Him and I want to be around him.
Speaker 3 (05:12):
And it just makes me emotional because first I wasn't
able to describe how much I felt for him, But like,
this man is my whole heart, and it's kind of
just dumb to tell people that someone's your whole heart
when you guys have already been together and it didn't
work out, and now you're trying to make it work
(05:32):
and now you're in a situationship. But you explain to
them how it's getting better, but they don't understand it,
and it's not for them to understand and that's the thing.
You tell people what you want to tell them, but
at the end of the day, you can't describe how
this person makes you feel. And I can definitely say
how we are right now is one hundred percent better
than how we were during our honeymoon phase, like of
(05:56):
like the first six months of knowing each other, six
months to a year. I just see such potential in
what we could be together. And I still feel like
he's stuck on old stuff or I don't really know
what he's stuck on or what he's afraid of. But
the reason that I called or just since this tonight
(06:17):
was because I had finally told him how I felt.
Speaker 4 (06:20):
I've been keeping like stuff bottled up. You know. I
had a little bit of one no cost of egos,
no cost a egos.
Speaker 3 (06:27):
But I did have some wine tonight with my girl.
We're about to go on our cruise in three days
to Mexico, so I just told him how I felt.
He just came back from Dallas. I'm about to go
to Mexico. So I just told him flat out, like
sometimes I get nervous when he goes other places because
we don't have any rules of established commitment and I
(06:48):
want that. I want you to be loyal to me,
and I want to be loyal to you. We were
together for two years. You lived with me for two years.
We might have broke up for a little bit, but
in general, you know who I am.
Speaker 4 (07:03):
You know we have a good time together.
Speaker 3 (07:05):
But it's not just a good time, it's just we
just when people say like it's just something that you
can't explain, that's how I really feel about him.
Speaker 4 (07:14):
And it's definitely not perfect.
Speaker 3 (07:16):
I'm not perfect and he's not perfect, and I'm not
saying we don't have hiccups.
Speaker 4 (07:19):
But if you find someone that you want to really rock.
Speaker 3 (07:22):
With or really deal with, then I think you decide
you want to work it out.
Speaker 4 (07:27):
And I feel like I figured it out.
Speaker 3 (07:29):
And it's hard to tell someone that you figured it out,
but you don't want to hit them with the ultimatum.
But then you see shit on Instagram like, oh, but
if he wanted to, he will, And I get.
Speaker 4 (07:43):
The if he wanted to, it will.
Speaker 3 (07:45):
But if you also did things in the past that
makes him question why he should, then I can't just
be like, what are you waiting for? Because if I
were perfect, there would literally be no reason there's nothing
wrong with weighing out pros and cons, but it's just
the fact that I don't know, Jess. I guess what
I am asking is everyone has pros and cons to
(08:06):
their spouse. But what do you think are the key
factors or elements that are needed to make a relationship
last consistently in long term?
Speaker 4 (08:18):
That is ultimately my question.
Speaker 3 (08:20):
Just a couple of things, Just a little bit of advice,
like what is how do you know it's long term?
Or what do you do to make it long term?
Just anything would help. Thank you so much. But as always, Jess,
you are one of my favorite podcasts listen to, so
I just wanted to.
Speaker 4 (08:37):
Send you an audio.
Speaker 3 (08:38):
I would just love some advice because I love this man,
and I know this man loves me. But when you
come from families that never show you how to how
do you love on someone, How do you choose to
be vulnerable with someone, how do you open up with
someone in your most vulnerable moments?
Speaker 4 (09:00):
And how do.
Speaker 3 (09:02):
You work through like already pent up residual shit.
Speaker 4 (09:06):
You know, I'm sorry, I know I'm hitting you with
a lot of questions.
Speaker 3 (09:10):
It's just I'm not necessarily asking you all this it's
just man. I love this man, so please just give
me something, help me.
Speaker 4 (09:19):
Please.
Speaker 3 (09:20):
Oh and just to give you a little bit more background,
we live on the West Coast. Neither of us have kids,
and obviously we have two separate compoles and two different cars.
Speaker 1 (09:30):
Hold up, hold up, I know this shit getting good,
But listen to just a couple seconds of a commercial.
Speaker 2 (09:35):
If you love me, you'll listen.
Speaker 1 (09:38):
Hey girl, so you checked back in with me, and
I love that. First of all, it's nothing wrong with
you venting. Stop apologizing for asking me.
Speaker 2 (09:46):
So many questions. Stop it. If I didn't want to
fix your mess, I wouldn't be doing this, you know.
Speaker 1 (09:50):
If I felt like this was too much, or if
one person's story was going to involve too many different
complex questions, I wouldn't even be doing this right now.
Sometimes you just need to vent, to vent to somebody
that you don't know and who don't know you, and
who wouldn't be biased, because I'm not ever going to
be biased. I am a woman, and I stand with women. However,
sometimes we're wrong and sometimes men are wrong, you know,
(10:11):
So I stand with who is right, But I give perspectives,
two perspectives on each situation, you know. And I'm here
to help people open up their minds, you know, so
you don't look at a situation one particular way. You
don't be too closed minded, you know, to see what
your problem is or to see how you could be
making this person react. Now, let's get to the part
(10:33):
with the auditioned part. You said you feel like you
are auditioning to be his girlfriend again because you guys
were together, but some damage was done. You guys needed
to separate and then revisit. You guys are in a
good space right now, but you're kind of back and forth.
I can tell that you love him, yes, and I
can tell that you also know that you messed up too, okay.
But the key in that is okay. You know that
(10:58):
you messed up. You owned it, your apologize. That's all
you can do. Do not keep beating a dead horse,
And what I mean is beating on yourself. Don't keep
beating yourself up about what happened in the past. Because
y'all two have done somewhat of a reconciliation, you know, y'all,
it seems like you guys are getting back or trying
(11:20):
to navigate back to that good place that you guys
once we're in. But it's like a wall built up
on his side. I don't know the severity of detriment
behind what you did to him, but apparently it's taking
him a little bit more time than you would like
to get back together with you. Are you also communicating
(11:43):
what you ask me for? The tools to actually make
something long term? How do you keep it together? How
do you get that longevity in a relationship that has
gone through problems? The tool is honesty, communication, and time.
You got to give another person time. Just because you're
over what you did and you're over seeing somebody that
(12:06):
he talked to in the phone, doesn't mean that he
can get over it as quickly as you did. You
know what I'm saying, Because we as females can look
at it like, damn, you act like I cheated on you.
I didn't cheat on you.
Speaker 3 (12:17):
You know.
Speaker 1 (12:17):
So all I had was a little alcohol, you know,
was a little drinking problem. But you don't know how
traumatic that was for him. You don't know his trauma
behind that. He could have grown up with a drunk
in his family that he saw abuse his cousins or
you know, not saying that's the case, but that could
be the case.
Speaker 2 (12:36):
Now this is your.
Speaker 1 (12:37):
Boyfriend, your ex boyfriend soon to be boyfriend again if
that happens. So you know him way more than I
know him. You know him well. But I know people,
I know what I've been through, I know certain situations,
you know. I know how people work in certain situations
depending on the situation.
Speaker 4 (12:56):
You know.
Speaker 1 (12:58):
And even in my last relationship, we will argue and
I can get over things quicker.
Speaker 2 (13:04):
I would be over it, like you know, in a
few hours.
Speaker 1 (13:07):
It would take him a few days to have the
process and internalize and look at it from this from
this microscope over here in the corner, and then you
have to go girl. And at times that shit gets
annoying as fuck. I'm just gonna say some people are
slower than others. And I don't mean that coming at
anybody's intelligence or whatever. I'm not talking about your mental capacity, No,
I'm not. I'm talking about transitioning, Like you can't transition
(13:31):
out of an argument until you fully processed it and
all that shit. That shit is annoying when you are
with someone who don't really hold grudges, who can't stay
in one fucking miserable space, miserable space for too long, Like, no.
Speaker 2 (13:45):
Let's get past this shit. Let's talk about this shit,
Let's get over it.
Speaker 1 (13:47):
I don't want to let anything linger. I don't want
to go to sleep angry, motherfucker. That's that's what you
want to do. And I know it sounds like that.
I'm going back in time. That's why that nigga is
my ex. I cannot deal with somebody who takes too
fucking long. Yep, the Bottomore two. Do not take too
fucking long getting over this shit, because by the time
(14:08):
you get over it in a few days or weeks,
I'm already on something else. And I don't mean on
another guy I'm talking about. Listen, I'm on some other shit.
I'm on some other shit. I cannot dwell and be
grudging about some shit with the man that I plan
to spend the rest of my life with, you know
what I'm saying. But we also that's also us putting
(14:29):
expectations on people, putting standards on people, and trusting them
to handle situations like we would handle them. Everybody's different,
you know, and it's different strokes for different folks. If
you love me, you'll listen to this commercial and then
we'll be right back. I think you should give him
just a little bit more time. You know, it hasn't
(14:49):
been ages since y'all broke up.
Speaker 2 (14:52):
You know.
Speaker 1 (14:53):
I think that you need to communicate with him that
you have changed, you know, if you haven't already, And
I think that you need to solidify some type of boundary.
I think, like you said, you can just make it
as a conversation. Hey, I know we haven't solidified anything
yet official.
Speaker 2 (15:13):
That would deem us official. Again.
Speaker 1 (15:16):
We haven't established any type of commitment as to are
we going to just try this exclusively together? Are we
dating other people while we're trying to be back together?
Because that you know that doesn't work. Everybody in they
right mind knows that shit don't work.
Speaker 4 (15:30):
You know.
Speaker 1 (15:31):
I think that needs to be a conversation, maybe after
your cruise, Before your cruise. You just sent this to me,
so I think you may already be back from your cruise.
You sent this last week, Okay, so you might even
be back from your cruise. I think you should sit
down and talk to him about it. See how he is.
Is he nonchalant with you? Does he give you vibes
like I'm a fuck with you? Just because you was
(15:52):
my ex, and I'm comfortable with you. You know, do
you think do you actually really think he sees the
future with you? Get inside of his mind if you
know how to do that, and you should be able
to know how to do it because you ain't drunk.
You said you done went to wine, and that's great,
you know, and you're young.
Speaker 2 (16:08):
You're young, you're young, Okay.
Speaker 1 (16:10):
A lot of us have gone through things dealing with
alcohol and shit.
Speaker 2 (16:14):
You know, I'm in my thirties.
Speaker 1 (16:15):
Girl, I'm thirty one, and I'm telling you, I don't
want to look at another fucking bottle of Kasumi Go's.
Speaker 2 (16:20):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (16:20):
I did that shit all through my twenties, Tequila and
kanyak and vaka and all that shit. Girl, I'm so
sick of fucking liquor. So communication, communicate with him, sit
down and talk to him. Check back in with me,
because I really think that you also shouldn't swallow yourself
up in trying to be with him. Either you're early
in age, boo, you're twenty five or twenty three, I
(16:41):
don't remember which one you said, was twenty five or
twenty three? You were him, but it's so many other
things that you could be focusing on.
Speaker 2 (16:46):
I know you love him.
Speaker 1 (16:47):
I know I know you love him, love him enough
to let him go and see if he's as find
his way back. Love his ass like that, love is
ass from a distance. He'll be fine and you will too. Okay,
check back in with me.
Speaker 2 (16:59):
Let me. I think that was a pretty good one.
Speaker 1 (17:03):
Her story took up a lot of times, So we'll
be back next week with a second episode of season three. Y'all,
clap it out one more time. Clap it up, clap
it up, clap it up.
Speaker 2 (17:12):
I love you, guys.
Speaker 1 (17:13):
I also want you to know again you can send
in voice notes. A lot of y'all are sending me essays,
bdfs and fucking oh my god speeches, and y'all not
proofreading what y'all sending before y'all send it. So a
lot of y'all stories I can't read because I don't
know y'all, so I can't make up pieces to y'all
puzzle if y'all not really taking y'all time and reading
(17:37):
through what y'all want me to read, you know, And
then also if I try to read this shit, y'all would.
Speaker 2 (17:42):
Be like, damn, did I sound crazy? As a motherfucker.
Speaker 1 (17:44):
A lot of y'all would question y'allselves on y'all literature
and shit.
Speaker 2 (17:48):
All right, I needs y'all to slow down. I know
y'all got a lot of shit y'all want to tell me.
Speaker 1 (17:53):
And before I get out of here, the very first
Black Effect Podcast Festival will be hosted by yours truly
just hilarious y'all. Yes, the tickets are all sold out,
but that's a good thing because this is not a
one time thing. This is gonna be an annual thing.
So next year, if you didn't get your tickets for
this year, get your tickets for next year, because we
are doing this shit for years and years to come, y'all.
Speaker 2 (18:16):
Me and Charlemagne will be hosting.
Speaker 1 (18:18):
Make sure that you stay tapped in and tune in
each and every Wednesday to carefully Reckless, And then my
deepest praying boys, please can't fully Reckless. Is a production
(19:38):
of iHeartRadio and The Black Effect. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio,
visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen
to your favorite shows.
Host
Jess Hilarious
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