May 24, 2023 • 23 mins
Hey y'all, wussup! Today's episode is hilarious and heartfelt. It's easy to feel like someone is crazy until you find yourself in the same situation. Tap in to see if you can relate to this week's stories!
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to Can't Fully Reckless, the production of iHeart Radio
and The Black Effect. And just like that, we're back
with yet another podcast episode with your girl Jess Hilarious.
Welcome to Carefully Reckless, where I Fix your mess.
Speaker 2 (00:23):
Y'all listen.
Speaker 1 (00:24):
I just want to give a special shout out to
the Breakfast Club and be E T and Charlemagne and
the Black Effect in.
Speaker 2 (00:29):
Our heart, all four of those entities.
Speaker 1 (00:33):
They are the reason, well not the whole reason, but
a good part of the reason why I do keep
coming back to do this shit every Wednesday, y'all. I
want to let y'all know I love y'all, and I
just I really really feel good, really really feel good.
It's my first day at Breakfast Club, my first day
of the weekend Breakfast Club. So my episode drops on
a Wednesday, but this is a Monday, all right, and
(00:54):
I just want to let y'all know the type of
work day that I'm dealing with. I flew from Charlotte,
North Carolina after a show last night. Right show was
at six pm. We got off stage and finished the show.
Everything was wrapped up around like eight thirty. Had to
catch a nine fifty eight flight. I made the flight,
got here, landed here in New York around like right
(01:17):
before twelve o'clock. We bought it at nine fifty eight,
so we took off around like ten something, landed twelve,
didn't get to my hotel till one got right back
up at four o'clock. That my makeup was here at
the station at five point thirty to go on air
at six am.
Speaker 2 (01:33):
I'm tired as hell.
Speaker 1 (01:34):
And then from six to ten we do breakfast club,
we do whatever interviews that we have, and then now
I'm in here recording, So I am literally running off
of three hours of sleep.
Speaker 2 (01:44):
But I love y'all so much. I love what I do.
I'm tired, but I still got energy. You understand what
I'm saying.
Speaker 1 (01:49):
So the motivation can also be adrenaline, Like, yeah, I'm tired, yeah,
and I may not even sound like it, and shit,
I really am. I'm not sleepy, I'm not drained though,
I'm just tired. That's all so kay to say that
you're tired, I'm not tired of y'all. I'm not tired
of what I do.
Speaker 2 (02:05):
I'm actually very damn grateful, and I'm gonna.
Speaker 1 (02:07):
Keep on going and doing what I do. But I'm
letting y'all know I do this shit for y'all. You
found me, So we're gonna.
Speaker 2 (02:13):
Jump right in. Nobody sent in voice notes for this episode.
So I'm just gonna read this long ass run on sentence.
That's what it is.
Speaker 1 (02:20):
I'm gonna call it out. It is what it is, girl, Hi, Jess,
I really need you to help with my mess. I
wish to remain anonymous because I could catch a case
about this one.
Speaker 2 (02:30):
Damn oh shit.
Speaker 1 (02:31):
So I guess I'll start off with the fact that
I'm a twenty two year old female who's had really
bad taste in men, and I find myself to be
a little bit of a hopeless romantic. I mean, will
you twenty two shit, I'm always falling in love with
the idea of a man.
Speaker 2 (02:46):
Anyway.
Speaker 1 (02:46):
In February, I started a job working in the kitchen
at the jail. Before starting this job, my mother and
family all said, do not fall for anyone in there,
meaning in the jail. I even had training informing me
that a personal relationship with an inmate could result in
a rape charge for me. Wow, whether it was consensual
or not, y'all listen to that, don't y'all become CEOs
(03:09):
and cafeteria ladies and these damn jails, and then y'all
get caught fucking these inmates. That's a charge on y'all,
whether it was consensual or not. Y'all can go down
for raping these motherfuckers. Okay, even if y'all didn't rape
these motherfuckers. All right, back to the story. So I
start working, things are going fine. I immediately knew I
was going to have to deal with some thirsties. Okay,
(03:30):
so you must be a nice, little cute little girl,
you know what I'm saying. Nice wholesome young lady, But
nothing can truly prepare you for working with men who
haven't had pussy in years. I had men saying they
drink my bath water, sniffing me when they walk past.
It was a lot, I must admit. But there was
one that was different. They called him Bori for anyone
that isn't Latino, that's short.
Speaker 2 (03:51):
For the Boriqua. Okay, okay, I said that right.
Speaker 1 (03:53):
I got my little Spanish down pack Boriqua, And at
first I wasn't even looking at him that way at all.
It just started with small conversation asking where I'm from.
Talking about family, him helping me carry heavy things so
I wouldn't have to struggle. The next thing, I know,
every day we're talking more and more about life and God.
Speaker 2 (04:12):
Okay, I noticed.
Speaker 1 (04:14):
The disrespect from the other men eventually stopped as well.
He would tell me how beautiful I was and how
he just wanted to take care of me and do
everything for me. Eventually my wall broke down and I
started to develop feelings for the man who I was
spending so much time around. So we started getting frisky.
Hold on and the damn jail girl, So we started
(04:36):
getting risky, she said, not frisky. I slipped him my number,
He would slip me letters and pictures. We would sneak
off into the freezer together. No, we didn't have sex.
We started talking about a life together. When he got out,
I was even looking for apartners and shit. And before
you judge me, I'm going through a lot in life
right now. Sometimes the unhealed part of me looks for
something that can save me, or someone to come save me.
(04:59):
After a while, words spread that we were messing around.
Oh shit, girl, you know it's like the hood. It's
the damn jail, old shit, the walls talk and the
inmates do too, and sure enough, this information gets back
to my manager. I'm not gonna say her name, but
I will say this. She is one of the realest
shorties I ever met. She sits me down and tells
me she knows about me and body. I'm gonna just
(05:20):
say buddy, me and Boddy that she really likes me.
And that's why she was telling me. She thought it
would be best if I quit. Damn that if the
information got back to her, then word was spread beyond
her into the CEOs and then they'd launch an investigation
and I'd get arrested.
Speaker 2 (05:38):
So she was saving me.
Speaker 1 (05:40):
To avoid all of the mess, I just needed to quit,
and that's exactly what I did. I came in one
last day to tell Boddy to make sure he saves
my number in a safe space, and I didn't go back.
This was in the end of March, so having quit,
I figured there was nothing more for me to lose.
To look for him, So that's what I did. I
looked for him on Facebook and found a couple pages.
(06:02):
I looked through his friendless to see if I can
find someone to pass a message to him. Also, he
didn't call you Damn. I found this friend that he
seemed to be very close with. I messaged the friend
to see if they still keep in contact, and this
man proceeds to tell me that him and buddy are together.
Speaker 2 (06:23):
That was his man.
Speaker 1 (06:25):
Oh, he asked me who I was and what I
wanted with his boyfriend. Then I looked through his pictures
and find a picture with them too hugged up with
engagement rings.
Speaker 2 (06:34):
Damn.
Speaker 1 (06:36):
Needless to say, my heart was broke. I immediately got
sick to my stomach. I didn't know how to process
that information at all. So I just blocked the friend
and the situation from my mind and just kept moving
forward because now I got to figure out how to
pay my bills since I was stupid and fucked up
a state job with a pension and all that girl
(06:56):
dumba's hell. Despite that, though, I still think of him
all the time time and the way he made me feel,
how soft and gentle he was with me. Maybe that
was from him being gay, I don't fucking know, or
just him knowing how to treat another human being.
Speaker 2 (07:11):
Girl. That don't have nothing to do with him being gay,
you know.
Speaker 1 (07:14):
But now he still calls me h and I answer
from time to time because I want to hear his voice.
Oh today I told him I knew about him and
his boyfriend. Of course, he couldn't explain much due to
where he is. But he claims that's his old life
and he wants a new one, and how he doesn't
want to lose me, how he'll answer whatever questions I have.
(07:36):
Just give him a chance when he gets out. Oh
hell no, you want me to wait for you to
get out. I don't know when the hell that is.
You want me to wait for you to get out
to tell me that you ain't gay? No more, so
you can answer all my questions about you being gay,
some about this is your old life. Well, that nigga
didn't say that when I hit him up to ask
him about you. Y'all are fucking engaged, And what you
(07:57):
did was you got your ass locked up, and that
nigga's for you to come to fuck home, all right.
A part of me wants that so bad, just to
say fuck it and love him openly for who he is.
Then there's that other part of me that thinks, what
if he gets tired and wants to go back to
dick Exactly? I'm not sure why I haven't completely checked
out after finding out he was gay. I need to
(08:19):
know how you would fix this mess. Am I delusional
to want love so bad that I tried to love
a gay man?
Speaker 2 (08:25):
Get back to me if you can. This shit got
me fucked up?
Speaker 1 (08:28):
Hold up, hold up, I know the shit getting good.
But listen to just a couple seconds of a commercial.
If you love me, you'll listen.
Speaker 2 (08:35):
All right, bookie, But I do understand.
Speaker 1 (08:37):
I understand how you can be fucked up by a lot,
because that was just a whole lot. All right, Now,
let's go back to the beginning. Listen, you're twenty two
years old. You're twenty two. You had a great job
you did, I mean, I don't you know, considerably speaking.
You know, you worked in a fucking jail, but you
did have a pension. You mentioned, you mentioned that you
loved the state job. I mean, obviously you didn't have
anything bad to say about it other than you had
(08:58):
to leave it due to a nigga. I'm just gonna
say a nigga. Aint gonna say a gay nigga because
we don't even know if he's gay. He may be,
by he obviously is not gay. You know, he's obviously bisexual,
or he could be poly. I mean, we don't know
when we get into all the sexual departments, but we don't.
Speaker 2 (09:14):
We don't know, all right.
Speaker 1 (09:15):
I'm also not gonna say what he made you feel
has no regard. It's fake, it's bullshit, it's asinine to
feel that way. I'm not going to say that because
that's not true. I do believe that he developed feelings
for you. I believe that he was and probably still
is connected to that ex man, you know, his ex
fiance or could still be his current fiance, And he
(09:37):
still may be even battling with his sexuality.
Speaker 2 (09:40):
He may not know who the fuck he is. You
understand what I'm saying. He may not. That's why I
don't want to call him gay.
Speaker 1 (09:45):
We can't just say, oh, you're gay because you found
out that he fucked with men. You know that he
had a man that he was engaged to. He could
still be very well bisexual. You know, we just don't know,
so I don't want to put that on him altogether.
I also don't think you're crazy for feeling the way
you do. We can't control our feelings. We can't control
who we love. If you love this man. I do
(10:06):
understand that. I do think that you are young. I'm
not going to say you don't know what love is,
but you have a whole lot more life to live
and a lot more to experience before you lock down
with the guy.
Speaker 2 (10:20):
Who is in jail.
Speaker 1 (10:21):
You don't know when he's coming home, and he just
expressed to you that he may be gay.
Speaker 2 (10:26):
You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1 (10:27):
But he wants you to wait until he gets out
for a full explanation.
Speaker 2 (10:32):
That's bullshit.
Speaker 1 (10:34):
That's the only part about it that is bullshit. And
the craziest part about it is that you actually had
to quit your job. You didn't quit because you wanted to.
You quit because you had to, and you avoid it
and arrest. Okay, I think your manager is a real
one for coming, you know, coming to you before shit
actually hit the fucking fan and telling you to get
(10:55):
out of there.
Speaker 2 (10:56):
That was meaningful.
Speaker 1 (10:57):
That was somebody who understands and probably somebody who saw
a situation like that before, you know, a young girl
caught in a situation like that. I'm not gonna say
that all men in jail are the same. I'm not
going to say that, but I am gonna say it's
very easy to believe a dream that a man in
jail will sell you. You understand what I'm saying. Not
saying that this is your situation now, I'm talking in general.
(11:18):
It's very easy to believe that because all they have
to live by is dreams.
Speaker 2 (11:22):
Some of them don't even know when they're coming home.
Speaker 1 (11:24):
Some of them ain't even coming home, so all they
have to do is hold on to dreams and memories
and shit, you know, And sometimes their dreams become nightmares
and shit because they don't know when they're coming home.
They have to live in a fucking cage and look
at four walls for the rest of their fucking lives
or for a very long period of time, and be
away from their friends and families. And like you said, pussy,
(11:45):
you know what I'm saying. It is hard that you
had to deal with the mental abuse, you know, the
verbal abuse from all the other inmates hitting on you,
telling you they drink your bad for it.
Speaker 2 (11:54):
I know it had to make you feel uncomfortable. And
then you said you.
Speaker 1 (11:56):
Met buddy buddy Qua and you always sneaking to the
free so much tryin hand sex.
Speaker 2 (12:01):
What the fuck y'all doing in the freezer.
Speaker 1 (12:03):
Then not y'all freezing, y'all damn asses off, and they're
just talking and trembling.
Speaker 2 (12:07):
What the fuck y'all doing shit?
Speaker 1 (12:09):
Ain't no way you could add sexy they I know
this dick can't get hard in the cold, A fucking
freezer next to the chicken. Chiall listen, all jokes aside.
I think, like I said, you're very young. Okay, make
this a lesson. Learn you said he calls you, you
still answer because you just want to hear his voice.
Don't run from it. I'm not saying run from it.
(12:29):
Just keep all your options open, honey. I can't tell you.
I can't tell you. I can't tell you to be
with a gay man. I can't tell you to not
be with a bisexual man. I can't tell you to
not fuck with him. And listen, it's all about your preference.
You're still young, you don't know who the fuck you are.
Probably so even if you're considering dealing with a bisexual man,
(12:50):
that's not me judging you. That's your fucking preference. If
that's what you prefer, you need to figure out what
you want to do. You know, he said that's his
old life. Do you believe him. Can you ungay have
to being gay for so long? That's a real fucking question.
Speaker 2 (13:03):
Women do it? Why can't men do it?
Speaker 1 (13:05):
And then the flip side is, once your butthole been entered,
how do you like go back to being a.
Speaker 2 (13:11):
Vergin of the butt? You know what I mean?
Speaker 1 (13:14):
And are you gay fever once you get your butt
plugged up?
Speaker 2 (13:17):
You know what I'm saying. It's just so many there's
so many questions, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1 (13:21):
We did have Andrew Carlweile bring him up every now
and then he said that he's not gay anymore. He
very well may not be, you know what I'm saying.
We don't know what that guy does. I mean, he
still has you know, is this feminine ways or whatever?
But that could still just be the last little bit.
Speaker 2 (13:36):
You know, coming out.
Speaker 1 (13:38):
You know, he probably got to get the last little
bit out by twenty twenty five.
Speaker 2 (13:41):
He could sound like me, you know, he could sound
like you know, James Earl Jones. We don't know, you
know what I mean. You probably don't. He probably don't.
Speaker 1 (13:51):
You know, he's getting the last little bit of gay out,
you know, So we just don't know.
Speaker 2 (13:56):
And while it sounds like I'm playing. I'm being dead
ass serious.
Speaker 1 (13:59):
All right, So I want you to, you know, reach
out to body or well you can't reach out at
the jail, you know, but don't reach out to no
more his friends because then I feel like you're gonna
find out some more shit.
Speaker 2 (14:11):
All right. I think you need to let him know.
Write I'm a nice little letter.
Speaker 1 (14:14):
Let him know that you're conflicted on this, you know,
be as open as you can, and tell him that
you don't want to wait until he gets home for
him to explain everything. You met him in there, and
he still he owed you an explanation. Nigga, I lost
my motherfucking job because I picked you, over risking my
freedom I did in hindsight, I ultimately picked you. He
(14:34):
knows you're young. I'm sure you didn't lie about your
fucking age. He knows you're young. I'm not saying that
he's trying to take advantage of you, but you are
very impressionable.
Speaker 2 (14:44):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (14:44):
It took him a minute to knock down that wall,
but he did. A nigga in jail knocked down the wall. Okay,
you can have anybody on the outside your age. A
couple of years old or whatever, without a record, without
a boyfriend or you know, a fiance and without a
past like that, and you chose Buddy again.
Speaker 2 (15:06):
It may sound like I'm judging you. I'm not.
Speaker 1 (15:09):
But sometimes you gotta hear shit repeated back to you
so you can hear how unorthodox it sounds. I'm not
saying situation is crazy. I'm not saying it's disgusting. I'm
not saying any of that. I don't want you to
get the wrong idea. I said unorthodox. It's a lot
going on, a lot going on. You're too young for that.
You should be working on your next fucking job, not
(15:29):
working on buddy. And when a fuck he come home?
What the fuck is he gonna give you? Is he
backing up his promises with concrete details? Does he have
a fucking plan? What is he doing in there now?
And did you work in a jail or did you
work in a prison that's different? Is he taking classes
to better himself?
Speaker 2 (15:46):
Like?
Speaker 1 (15:46):
What the fuck is he doing? What are his dreams?
Did y'all get to know each other in the damn
Did he tell you that in that freezer? What did
he tell you he was cold freezing your ass? Off.
Speaker 2 (15:54):
He supposed to be on the damn floor with.
Speaker 1 (15:56):
The rest of the inmates and you playing in a
freezer with buddy, girl. I think you need to go
try to get your damn job back, or go to
another damn jail and don't fall in love with no
more fucking inmates.
Speaker 2 (16:07):
Girl. I mean that.
Speaker 1 (16:08):
No, they're not all the same, but that ain't where
you want to get your man from.
Speaker 2 (16:12):
It's good men and that two.
Speaker 1 (16:14):
But let them come home, figure themselves out and find
their women, or let them come home to people that's already.
Speaker 2 (16:20):
Waiting for them. I mean that. I mean that, even in.
Speaker 1 (16:23):
Your case, let them come home to who's waiting for
them obviously, Okay, because dreams are still sold in jail. Okay, Okay,
check back in with me because I want to know
where you go from here. I would love for you
to go get another job. You seem like you had
your head on damn straight. But you know, we don't know,
(16:45):
we don't know. I know you need to get it together.
If you love me, you'll listen to this commercial and
then we'll be right back moving on. Hey, Jass, I
have a boyfriend that I've been with for four years,
but we both want different things. I want us to
have our own place, but he wants to keep living
with his dad.
Speaker 2 (17:03):
He's twenty one and I'm twenty. Damn girl, shit girl,
probably ain't ready for all of that.
Speaker 1 (17:09):
Now, come on, what the hell are you talking about?
First of all, your little hot ass, calm down. You
ain't even twenty one yet. He's twenty one and you're twenty.
Understand you want to move. Okay, you want to move
with your boyfriend. Y'all been together for four years. Yeah so,
y'all were together since sixteen seventeen. I understand, But you
(17:30):
really truly don't know a person until you live with them.
And now, honestly, I'm not trying to I'm not trying
to control your life. But you got one more year
until you make all these big decisions, and you got
to live with them. You understand what I'm saying. I
think he's making a sensible decision. You act like he
thirty one, forty one living with his dad. I know
(17:51):
some people living with their parents that are older than
I am, which I'm still not saying anything is wrong
with I'm just saying it depends on your level of independence.
If you want to be independent. It's some people parents
don't want them to leave. Some people don't want to.
Speaker 2 (18:06):
Leave their parents.
Speaker 1 (18:07):
But when you have relationships and jobs and kids and
all that type of shit, you want your own. And
when you just are tired of living under someone else's roof,
you want your own. But then you have people that
stay at home as long as they can. Because I'm
gonna tell you something, it's hard to shit out here
these days. Back in the day when I first moved out,
(18:29):
yeah it was hard, but it wasn't nowhere near as
hard as it is now. We're in a recession right now.
And while it doesn't affect a lot of people, and
why it doesn't look like why it doesn't look like
it affects a lot of people, Oh it does.
Speaker 2 (18:45):
It's affecting a lot of fucking people. I went to
this is a sidetrack, real quick.
Speaker 1 (18:51):
I want the chick for later other day, right, I
order fool for me, my sister and my videographer. That
shit came up to like thirty eight dollars and we
didn't even get four meals.
Speaker 2 (19:03):
I was the only one who got a four meal.
Speaker 1 (19:04):
My sister got some nuggets, Megan cheese, and he got
a salad and a milkshake or some shit. Thirty eight
dollars forty dollars for three people to eat, and they
weren't even full complete meals. It's a fucking struggle out here.
That shit may sound like pennies to certain people. To
other people, you ain't got it. It's hard feeding your
(19:24):
fucking family. That's why so much crime, That's why niggas
is hungry, robbing, stealing, fucking killing people and shit people
are trying to make ways out of no way, you
understand what I'm saying. And then we have yellow ass
that want to move out quick fast, in a hurry. Girl,
you're gonna be right back. And I don't even like it.
And I don't like saying this. I don't like seeming
(19:47):
like I'm talking down But don't jump out there too
fucking fast, Okay, don't at least wait until you're twenty one,
and then let him take his time. If y'all been
together for four years already, where he going? Do you
see y'all going downhill? Is this a deal breaker for you?
If y'all don't move together, you're gonna leave him?
Speaker 2 (20:07):
What is this?
Speaker 1 (20:09):
It's all right, compromise and a relationship. Compromise, give him
like a wager, you know, leverage. Let's meet in the middle, compromise.
Say all right, Ben, you know how bad I want
to move together. Since we can't do that right now,
let's revisit this in another year, six months to a year,
(20:29):
and let's see where you'll be by then. Or let's
wait until my twenty first birthday and let's see where
you'll be by then and we'll revisit it.
Speaker 2 (20:36):
You know what I mean.
Speaker 1 (20:37):
Don't just up and leave call it quits just because
he's not trying to move together right now. He also
could be scared. He could be nervous, His parents could
be in his head. You ain't about to move with
that girl. You know what I'm saying. You don't know,
so I think it's a communication thing. Sit down and
talk to him, but also compromise if you see it's
really a problem. Don't ever pressure a man to do shit,
(20:58):
just like I don't think we should.
Speaker 2 (20:59):
Be press sure to do anything.
Speaker 1 (21:01):
Never put pressure on a man, because when they feel pressure,
they do shit like lie. They start telling you what
you want to hear and they don't even mean it.
Just to get from up under that pressure. You know
what I'm saying, Like, they start to lie, they start
to run, they start the cheat, they start to don't
pressure him.
Speaker 2 (21:20):
Be upfront always. That's a tip that you could take
for me. I'm thirty one.
Speaker 1 (21:25):
I still ain't got it all figured out relationship wise,
but I think I'm doing pretty damn good because I've
had some bad examples.
Speaker 2 (21:31):
To show me what not to do and what to
watch out for.
Speaker 1 (21:34):
Well, actually I should call them good examples because I
know the nigga right now was thinking them niggas a
All right, well, listen, we come to the end of
another Carefully Reckless episode where Jess is fixing your mess
every Wednesday on The Black Effect. Thank you, I Heart
This is the home for your podcast. Anyway you find podcasts,
so you listen to podcasts, make sure you search carefully
(21:54):
Reckless and then my deepest Pam voice name and.
Speaker 2 (22:44):
The name.
Speaker 1 (23:09):
Can't Fully Reckless is a production of iHeartRadio and The
Black Effect. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio app,
Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
Welcome to Can't Fully Reckless, the production of iHeart Radio
and The Black Effect. And just like that, we're back
with yet another podcast episode with your girl Jess Hilarious.
Welcome to Carefully Reckless, where I Fix your mess.
Speaker 2 (00:23):
Y'all listen.
Speaker 1 (00:24):
I just want to give a special shout out to
the Breakfast Club and be E T and Charlemagne and
the Black Effect in.
Speaker 2 (00:29):
Our heart, all four of those entities.
Speaker 1 (00:33):
They are the reason, well not the whole reason, but
a good part of the reason why I do keep
coming back to do this shit every Wednesday, y'all. I
want to let y'all know I love y'all, and I
just I really really feel good, really really feel good.
It's my first day at Breakfast Club, my first day
of the weekend Breakfast Club. So my episode drops on
a Wednesday, but this is a Monday, all right, and
(00:54):
I just want to let y'all know the type of
work day that I'm dealing with. I flew from Charlotte,
North Carolina after a show last night. Right show was
at six pm. We got off stage and finished the show.
Everything was wrapped up around like eight thirty. Had to
catch a nine fifty eight flight. I made the flight,
got here, landed here in New York around like right
(01:17):
before twelve o'clock. We bought it at nine fifty eight,
so we took off around like ten something, landed twelve,
didn't get to my hotel till one got right back
up at four o'clock. That my makeup was here at
the station at five point thirty to go on air
at six am.
Speaker 2 (01:33):
I'm tired as hell.
Speaker 1 (01:34):
And then from six to ten we do breakfast club,
we do whatever interviews that we have, and then now
I'm in here recording, So I am literally running off
of three hours of sleep.
Speaker 2 (01:44):
But I love y'all so much. I love what I do.
I'm tired, but I still got energy. You understand what
I'm saying.
Speaker 1 (01:49):
So the motivation can also be adrenaline, Like, yeah, I'm tired, yeah,
and I may not even sound like it, and shit,
I really am. I'm not sleepy, I'm not drained though,
I'm just tired. That's all so kay to say that
you're tired, I'm not tired of y'all. I'm not tired
of what I do.
Speaker 2 (02:05):
I'm actually very damn grateful, and I'm gonna.
Speaker 1 (02:07):
Keep on going and doing what I do. But I'm
letting y'all know I do this shit for y'all. You
found me, So we're gonna.
Speaker 2 (02:13):
Jump right in. Nobody sent in voice notes for this episode.
So I'm just gonna read this long ass run on sentence.
That's what it is.
Speaker 1 (02:20):
I'm gonna call it out. It is what it is, girl, Hi, Jess,
I really need you to help with my mess. I
wish to remain anonymous because I could catch a case
about this one.
Speaker 2 (02:30):
Damn oh shit.
Speaker 1 (02:31):
So I guess I'll start off with the fact that
I'm a twenty two year old female who's had really
bad taste in men, and I find myself to be
a little bit of a hopeless romantic. I mean, will
you twenty two shit, I'm always falling in love with
the idea of a man.
Speaker 2 (02:46):
Anyway.
Speaker 1 (02:46):
In February, I started a job working in the kitchen
at the jail. Before starting this job, my mother and
family all said, do not fall for anyone in there,
meaning in the jail. I even had training informing me
that a personal relationship with an inmate could result in
a rape charge for me. Wow, whether it was consensual
or not, y'all listen to that, don't y'all become CEOs
(03:09):
and cafeteria ladies and these damn jails, and then y'all
get caught fucking these inmates. That's a charge on y'all,
whether it was consensual or not. Y'all can go down
for raping these motherfuckers. Okay, even if y'all didn't rape
these motherfuckers. All right, back to the story. So I
start working, things are going fine. I immediately knew I
was going to have to deal with some thirsties. Okay,
(03:30):
so you must be a nice, little cute little girl,
you know what I'm saying. Nice wholesome young lady, But
nothing can truly prepare you for working with men who
haven't had pussy in years. I had men saying they
drink my bath water, sniffing me when they walk past.
It was a lot, I must admit. But there was
one that was different. They called him Bori for anyone
that isn't Latino, that's short.
Speaker 2 (03:51):
For the Boriqua. Okay, okay, I said that right.
Speaker 1 (03:53):
I got my little Spanish down pack Boriqua, And at
first I wasn't even looking at him that way at all.
It just started with small conversation asking where I'm from.
Talking about family, him helping me carry heavy things so
I wouldn't have to struggle. The next thing, I know,
every day we're talking more and more about life and God.
Speaker 2 (04:12):
Okay, I noticed.
Speaker 1 (04:14):
The disrespect from the other men eventually stopped as well.
He would tell me how beautiful I was and how
he just wanted to take care of me and do
everything for me. Eventually my wall broke down and I
started to develop feelings for the man who I was
spending so much time around. So we started getting frisky.
Hold on and the damn jail girl, So we started
(04:36):
getting risky, she said, not frisky. I slipped him my number,
He would slip me letters and pictures. We would sneak
off into the freezer together. No, we didn't have sex.
We started talking about a life together. When he got out,
I was even looking for apartners and shit. And before
you judge me, I'm going through a lot in life
right now. Sometimes the unhealed part of me looks for
something that can save me, or someone to come save me.
(04:59):
After a while, words spread that we were messing around.
Oh shit, girl, you know it's like the hood. It's
the damn jail, old shit, the walls talk and the
inmates do too, and sure enough, this information gets back
to my manager. I'm not gonna say her name, but
I will say this. She is one of the realest
shorties I ever met. She sits me down and tells
me she knows about me and body. I'm gonna just
(05:20):
say buddy, me and Boddy that she really likes me.
And that's why she was telling me. She thought it
would be best if I quit. Damn that if the
information got back to her, then word was spread beyond
her into the CEOs and then they'd launch an investigation
and I'd get arrested.
Speaker 2 (05:38):
So she was saving me.
Speaker 1 (05:40):
To avoid all of the mess, I just needed to quit,
and that's exactly what I did. I came in one
last day to tell Boddy to make sure he saves
my number in a safe space, and I didn't go back.
This was in the end of March, so having quit,
I figured there was nothing more for me to lose.
To look for him, So that's what I did. I
looked for him on Facebook and found a couple pages.
(06:02):
I looked through his friendless to see if I can
find someone to pass a message to him. Also, he
didn't call you Damn. I found this friend that he
seemed to be very close with. I messaged the friend
to see if they still keep in contact, and this
man proceeds to tell me that him and buddy are together.
Speaker 2 (06:23):
That was his man.
Speaker 1 (06:25):
Oh, he asked me who I was and what I
wanted with his boyfriend. Then I looked through his pictures
and find a picture with them too hugged up with
engagement rings.
Speaker 2 (06:34):
Damn.
Speaker 1 (06:36):
Needless to say, my heart was broke. I immediately got
sick to my stomach. I didn't know how to process
that information at all. So I just blocked the friend
and the situation from my mind and just kept moving
forward because now I got to figure out how to
pay my bills since I was stupid and fucked up
a state job with a pension and all that girl
(06:56):
dumba's hell. Despite that, though, I still think of him
all the time time and the way he made me feel,
how soft and gentle he was with me. Maybe that
was from him being gay, I don't fucking know, or
just him knowing how to treat another human being.
Speaker 2 (07:11):
Girl. That don't have nothing to do with him being gay,
you know.
Speaker 1 (07:14):
But now he still calls me h and I answer
from time to time because I want to hear his voice.
Oh today I told him I knew about him and
his boyfriend. Of course, he couldn't explain much due to
where he is. But he claims that's his old life
and he wants a new one, and how he doesn't
want to lose me, how he'll answer whatever questions I have.
(07:36):
Just give him a chance when he gets out. Oh
hell no, you want me to wait for you to
get out. I don't know when the hell that is.
You want me to wait for you to get out
to tell me that you ain't gay? No more, so
you can answer all my questions about you being gay,
some about this is your old life. Well, that nigga
didn't say that when I hit him up to ask
him about you. Y'all are fucking engaged, And what you
(07:57):
did was you got your ass locked up, and that
nigga's for you to come to fuck home, all right.
A part of me wants that so bad, just to
say fuck it and love him openly for who he is.
Then there's that other part of me that thinks, what
if he gets tired and wants to go back to
dick Exactly? I'm not sure why I haven't completely checked
out after finding out he was gay. I need to
(08:19):
know how you would fix this mess. Am I delusional
to want love so bad that I tried to love
a gay man?
Speaker 2 (08:25):
Get back to me if you can. This shit got
me fucked up?
Speaker 1 (08:28):
Hold up, hold up, I know the shit getting good.
But listen to just a couple seconds of a commercial.
If you love me, you'll listen.
Speaker 2 (08:35):
All right, bookie, But I do understand.
Speaker 1 (08:37):
I understand how you can be fucked up by a lot,
because that was just a whole lot. All right, Now,
let's go back to the beginning. Listen, you're twenty two
years old. You're twenty two. You had a great job
you did, I mean, I don't you know, considerably speaking.
You know, you worked in a fucking jail, but you
did have a pension. You mentioned, you mentioned that you
loved the state job. I mean, obviously you didn't have
anything bad to say about it other than you had
(08:58):
to leave it due to a nigga. I'm just gonna
say a nigga. Aint gonna say a gay nigga because
we don't even know if he's gay. He may be,
by he obviously is not gay. You know, he's obviously bisexual,
or he could be poly. I mean, we don't know
when we get into all the sexual departments, but we don't.
Speaker 2 (09:14):
We don't know, all right.
Speaker 1 (09:15):
I'm also not gonna say what he made you feel
has no regard. It's fake, it's bullshit, it's asinine to
feel that way. I'm not going to say that because
that's not true. I do believe that he developed feelings
for you. I believe that he was and probably still
is connected to that ex man, you know, his ex
fiance or could still be his current fiance, And he
(09:37):
still may be even battling with his sexuality.
Speaker 2 (09:40):
He may not know who the fuck he is. You
understand what I'm saying. He may not. That's why I
don't want to call him gay.
Speaker 1 (09:45):
We can't just say, oh, you're gay because you found
out that he fucked with men. You know that he
had a man that he was engaged to. He could
still be very well bisexual. You know, we just don't know,
so I don't want to put that on him altogether.
I also don't think you're crazy for feeling the way
you do. We can't control our feelings. We can't control
who we love. If you love this man. I do
(10:06):
understand that. I do think that you are young. I'm
not going to say you don't know what love is,
but you have a whole lot more life to live
and a lot more to experience before you lock down
with the guy.
Speaker 2 (10:20):
Who is in jail.
Speaker 1 (10:21):
You don't know when he's coming home, and he just
expressed to you that he may be gay.
Speaker 2 (10:26):
You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1 (10:27):
But he wants you to wait until he gets out
for a full explanation.
Speaker 2 (10:32):
That's bullshit.
Speaker 1 (10:34):
That's the only part about it that is bullshit. And
the craziest part about it is that you actually had
to quit your job. You didn't quit because you wanted to.
You quit because you had to, and you avoid it
and arrest. Okay, I think your manager is a real
one for coming, you know, coming to you before shit
actually hit the fucking fan and telling you to get
(10:55):
out of there.
Speaker 2 (10:56):
That was meaningful.
Speaker 1 (10:57):
That was somebody who understands and probably somebody who saw
a situation like that before, you know, a young girl
caught in a situation like that. I'm not gonna say
that all men in jail are the same. I'm not
going to say that, but I am gonna say it's
very easy to believe a dream that a man in
jail will sell you. You understand what I'm saying. Not
saying that this is your situation now, I'm talking in general.
(11:18):
It's very easy to believe that because all they have
to live by is dreams.
Speaker 2 (11:22):
Some of them don't even know when they're coming home.
Speaker 1 (11:24):
Some of them ain't even coming home, so all they
have to do is hold on to dreams and memories
and shit, you know, And sometimes their dreams become nightmares
and shit because they don't know when they're coming home.
They have to live in a fucking cage and look
at four walls for the rest of their fucking lives
or for a very long period of time, and be
away from their friends and families. And like you said, pussy,
(11:45):
you know what I'm saying. It is hard that you
had to deal with the mental abuse, you know, the
verbal abuse from all the other inmates hitting on you,
telling you they drink your bad for it.
Speaker 2 (11:54):
I know it had to make you feel uncomfortable. And
then you said you.
Speaker 1 (11:56):
Met buddy buddy Qua and you always sneaking to the
free so much tryin hand sex.
Speaker 2 (12:01):
What the fuck y'all doing in the freezer.
Speaker 1 (12:03):
Then not y'all freezing, y'all damn asses off, and they're
just talking and trembling.
Speaker 2 (12:07):
What the fuck y'all doing shit?
Speaker 1 (12:09):
Ain't no way you could add sexy they I know
this dick can't get hard in the cold, A fucking
freezer next to the chicken. Chiall listen, all jokes aside.
I think, like I said, you're very young. Okay, make
this a lesson. Learn you said he calls you, you
still answer because you just want to hear his voice.
Don't run from it. I'm not saying run from it.
(12:29):
Just keep all your options open, honey. I can't tell you.
I can't tell you. I can't tell you to be
with a gay man. I can't tell you to not
be with a bisexual man. I can't tell you to
not fuck with him. And listen, it's all about your preference.
You're still young, you don't know who the fuck you are.
Probably so even if you're considering dealing with a bisexual man,
(12:50):
that's not me judging you. That's your fucking preference. If
that's what you prefer, you need to figure out what
you want to do. You know, he said that's his
old life. Do you believe him. Can you ungay have
to being gay for so long? That's a real fucking question.
Speaker 2 (13:03):
Women do it? Why can't men do it?
Speaker 1 (13:05):
And then the flip side is, once your butthole been entered,
how do you like go back to being a.
Speaker 2 (13:11):
Vergin of the butt? You know what I mean?
Speaker 1 (13:14):
And are you gay fever once you get your butt
plugged up?
Speaker 2 (13:17):
You know what I'm saying. It's just so many there's
so many questions, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1 (13:21):
We did have Andrew Carlweile bring him up every now
and then he said that he's not gay anymore. He
very well may not be, you know what I'm saying.
We don't know what that guy does. I mean, he
still has you know, is this feminine ways or whatever?
But that could still just be the last little bit.
Speaker 2 (13:36):
You know, coming out.
Speaker 1 (13:38):
You know, he probably got to get the last little
bit out by twenty twenty five.
Speaker 2 (13:41):
He could sound like me, you know, he could sound
like you know, James Earl Jones. We don't know, you
know what I mean. You probably don't. He probably don't.
Speaker 1 (13:51):
You know, he's getting the last little bit of gay out,
you know, So we just don't know.
Speaker 2 (13:56):
And while it sounds like I'm playing. I'm being dead
ass serious.
Speaker 1 (13:59):
All right, So I want you to, you know, reach
out to body or well you can't reach out at
the jail, you know, but don't reach out to no
more his friends because then I feel like you're gonna
find out some more shit.
Speaker 2 (14:11):
All right. I think you need to let him know.
Write I'm a nice little letter.
Speaker 1 (14:14):
Let him know that you're conflicted on this, you know,
be as open as you can, and tell him that
you don't want to wait until he gets home for
him to explain everything. You met him in there, and
he still he owed you an explanation. Nigga, I lost
my motherfucking job because I picked you, over risking my
freedom I did in hindsight, I ultimately picked you. He
(14:34):
knows you're young. I'm sure you didn't lie about your
fucking age. He knows you're young. I'm not saying that
he's trying to take advantage of you, but you are
very impressionable.
Speaker 2 (14:44):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (14:44):
It took him a minute to knock down that wall,
but he did. A nigga in jail knocked down the wall. Okay,
you can have anybody on the outside your age. A
couple of years old or whatever, without a record, without
a boyfriend or you know, a fiance and without a
past like that, and you chose Buddy again.
Speaker 2 (15:06):
It may sound like I'm judging you. I'm not.
Speaker 1 (15:09):
But sometimes you gotta hear shit repeated back to you
so you can hear how unorthodox it sounds. I'm not
saying situation is crazy. I'm not saying it's disgusting. I'm
not saying any of that. I don't want you to
get the wrong idea. I said unorthodox. It's a lot
going on, a lot going on. You're too young for that.
You should be working on your next fucking job, not
(15:29):
working on buddy. And when a fuck he come home?
What the fuck is he gonna give you? Is he
backing up his promises with concrete details? Does he have
a fucking plan? What is he doing in there now?
And did you work in a jail or did you
work in a prison that's different? Is he taking classes
to better himself?
Speaker 2 (15:46):
Like?
Speaker 1 (15:46):
What the fuck is he doing? What are his dreams?
Did y'all get to know each other in the damn
Did he tell you that in that freezer? What did
he tell you he was cold freezing your ass? Off.
Speaker 2 (15:54):
He supposed to be on the damn floor with.
Speaker 1 (15:56):
The rest of the inmates and you playing in a
freezer with buddy, girl. I think you need to go
try to get your damn job back, or go to
another damn jail and don't fall in love with no
more fucking inmates.
Speaker 2 (16:07):
Girl. I mean that.
Speaker 1 (16:08):
No, they're not all the same, but that ain't where
you want to get your man from.
Speaker 2 (16:12):
It's good men and that two.
Speaker 1 (16:14):
But let them come home, figure themselves out and find
their women, or let them come home to people that's already.
Speaker 2 (16:20):
Waiting for them. I mean that. I mean that, even in.
Speaker 1 (16:23):
Your case, let them come home to who's waiting for
them obviously, Okay, because dreams are still sold in jail. Okay, Okay,
check back in with me because I want to know
where you go from here. I would love for you
to go get another job. You seem like you had
your head on damn straight. But you know, we don't know,
(16:45):
we don't know. I know you need to get it together.
If you love me, you'll listen to this commercial and
then we'll be right back moving on. Hey, Jass, I
have a boyfriend that I've been with for four years,
but we both want different things. I want us to
have our own place, but he wants to keep living
with his dad.
Speaker 2 (17:03):
He's twenty one and I'm twenty. Damn girl, shit girl,
probably ain't ready for all of that.
Speaker 1 (17:09):
Now, come on, what the hell are you talking about?
First of all, your little hot ass, calm down. You
ain't even twenty one yet. He's twenty one and you're twenty.
Understand you want to move. Okay, you want to move
with your boyfriend. Y'all been together for four years. Yeah so,
y'all were together since sixteen seventeen. I understand, But you
(17:30):
really truly don't know a person until you live with them.
And now, honestly, I'm not trying to I'm not trying
to control your life. But you got one more year
until you make all these big decisions, and you got
to live with them. You understand what I'm saying. I
think he's making a sensible decision. You act like he
thirty one, forty one living with his dad. I know
(17:51):
some people living with their parents that are older than
I am, which I'm still not saying anything is wrong
with I'm just saying it depends on your level of independence.
If you want to be independent. It's some people parents
don't want them to leave. Some people don't want to.
Speaker 2 (18:06):
Leave their parents.
Speaker 1 (18:07):
But when you have relationships and jobs and kids and
all that type of shit, you want your own. And
when you just are tired of living under someone else's roof,
you want your own. But then you have people that
stay at home as long as they can. Because I'm
gonna tell you something, it's hard to shit out here
these days. Back in the day when I first moved out,
(18:29):
yeah it was hard, but it wasn't nowhere near as
hard as it is now. We're in a recession right now.
And while it doesn't affect a lot of people, and
why it doesn't look like why it doesn't look like
it affects a lot of people, Oh it does.
Speaker 2 (18:45):
It's affecting a lot of fucking people. I went to
this is a sidetrack, real quick.
Speaker 1 (18:51):
I want the chick for later other day, right, I
order fool for me, my sister and my videographer. That
shit came up to like thirty eight dollars and we
didn't even get four meals.
Speaker 2 (19:03):
I was the only one who got a four meal.
Speaker 1 (19:04):
My sister got some nuggets, Megan cheese, and he got
a salad and a milkshake or some shit. Thirty eight
dollars forty dollars for three people to eat, and they
weren't even full complete meals. It's a fucking struggle out here.
That shit may sound like pennies to certain people. To
other people, you ain't got it. It's hard feeding your
(19:24):
fucking family. That's why so much crime, That's why niggas
is hungry, robbing, stealing, fucking killing people and shit people
are trying to make ways out of no way, you
understand what I'm saying. And then we have yellow ass
that want to move out quick fast, in a hurry. Girl,
you're gonna be right back. And I don't even like it.
And I don't like saying this. I don't like seeming
(19:47):
like I'm talking down But don't jump out there too
fucking fast, Okay, don't at least wait until you're twenty one,
and then let him take his time. If y'all been
together for four years already, where he going? Do you
see y'all going downhill? Is this a deal breaker for you?
If y'all don't move together, you're gonna leave him?
Speaker 2 (20:07):
What is this?
Speaker 1 (20:09):
It's all right, compromise and a relationship. Compromise, give him
like a wager, you know, leverage. Let's meet in the middle, compromise.
Say all right, Ben, you know how bad I want
to move together. Since we can't do that right now,
let's revisit this in another year, six months to a year,
(20:29):
and let's see where you'll be by then. Or let's
wait until my twenty first birthday and let's see where
you'll be by then and we'll revisit it.
Speaker 2 (20:36):
You know what I mean.
Speaker 1 (20:37):
Don't just up and leave call it quits just because
he's not trying to move together right now. He also
could be scared. He could be nervous, His parents could
be in his head. You ain't about to move with
that girl. You know what I'm saying. You don't know,
so I think it's a communication thing. Sit down and
talk to him, but also compromise if you see it's
really a problem. Don't ever pressure a man to do shit,
(20:58):
just like I don't think we should.
Speaker 2 (20:59):
Be press sure to do anything.
Speaker 1 (21:01):
Never put pressure on a man, because when they feel pressure,
they do shit like lie. They start telling you what
you want to hear and they don't even mean it.
Just to get from up under that pressure. You know
what I'm saying, Like, they start to lie, they start
to run, they start the cheat, they start to don't
pressure him.
Speaker 2 (21:20):
Be upfront always. That's a tip that you could take
for me. I'm thirty one.
Speaker 1 (21:25):
I still ain't got it all figured out relationship wise,
but I think I'm doing pretty damn good because I've
had some bad examples.
Speaker 2 (21:31):
To show me what not to do and what to
watch out for.
Speaker 1 (21:34):
Well, actually I should call them good examples because I
know the nigga right now was thinking them niggas a
All right, well, listen, we come to the end of
another Carefully Reckless episode where Jess is fixing your mess
every Wednesday on The Black Effect. Thank you, I Heart
This is the home for your podcast. Anyway you find podcasts,
so you listen to podcasts, make sure you search carefully
(21:54):
Reckless and then my deepest Pam voice name and.
Speaker 2 (22:44):
The name.
Speaker 1 (23:09):
Can't Fully Reckless is a production of iHeartRadio and The
Black Effect. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio app,
Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
Host
Jess Hilarious
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On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!