December 14, 2022 • 26 mins
Happy Hump Day! Have you ever thought that dating someone older would be better than dating someone your age? Today's stories prove that's definitely not the case. Tap in!
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to Carefully Reckless, the production of our Heart Radio
and the Black Effects, And just like that, we're back
on the air. Welcome back to you. Got another Carefully
Reckless episode with your girl Joss. Hilarious. I'm gonna jump
(00:21):
straight in, just fix my mess again. We got some
voice notes this time, y'all. Thank you, because I'm getting
tired to read y'all. Long ast synopsis. All right, y'all,
don't be spelling right or nothing. I keep telling you
all the proof read or send in your voice. But
I love y'all either way, so I guess I'm gonna
just had to keep reading. Here we go. Hey, Jess,
(00:42):
I've been listening to your podcast. It's the very beginning,
and I've always wanted to send in something, but I
just never had the courage. So today I'm doing it.
So I'm twenty three years old and I've been dealing
with the guy four five years now. Actually yes, they
made it years. We've been on and off. We somewhat
(01:04):
have a relationship, and I will break that down to you,
but I believe me being young and um, I've accepted
this and allowed it to go on way longer than
it has. And I really think I know it's best,
but due to also doubted myself, I'm not sure. So
I really like advices on this. So the guy I've
(01:24):
been dating for the last five years talking to, I
would say when I met him, initially, I was twenty
years old and by the time he was thirty eight
years old. So fast forward, I'm twenty three today and
he's forty one. I know, huge huge age gap between
the two of us. We've worked at that. That's really
(01:44):
never been a problem for me, the age thing, and
he's never been a problem from him. But relationship wise,
since day one, since I've known this man, he got
my number, we went out and then till I went
to his house and it's been like this every since.
Like he called me every day, We call each other
every day. Then it went from him calling me baby
(02:05):
pretty face, to telling me this is forever. So now
I'm believing in my head this is a relationship. This
man wants me forever, and you know, I should be
acting as if I want to be wanted forever. You know,
I should do my wifely duties. Now, that's what I'm thinking.
So for the past five years, that's what I've been doing.
(02:26):
Although we don't live together. I'm at his house a lot.
He will come and get me and I'll be there
for maybe sometimes up to a month. I'll be you know,
with him, or you know, whatever may be the case.
I am a mother, so you know, I have my
own schedule. Of course, I'm doing my thing on the
side as my mother. I've never you know, select on
(02:50):
my mother's skills to be with him. But this relationship
has taken a lot from me in my twenties. You know,
I've been only about him um and it's been feeling weird.
These are red flags that I know I should have
paid attention to a long time ago, but he has
filled my head up with so many excuses that I
(03:10):
thought it was normal. So I haven't met his mother,
I haven't met his sister. He only has one sip
where I've never met any of them. He doesn't post
me on social media. It was hard to get a
date out of this man. And literally, as I'm sitting
here telling you this story, like I know, I know, literally, yeah,
(03:30):
it's time for me to walk away fast. For five
years later, I've been sucking and scking this man. You know,
I've been doing all that to him, I've been cooking
and cleaning, and I come to his house and wash
his fucking walls and clean his fucking shower, and make
up dinner, bakeup cakes, like all of the above. And
(03:52):
I know I'm doing too much. And as a twenty
three year old, there's so much more. There's so much
more to be experienced in life. And why I said,
you know, it hasn't been a full blown relationship because
like I said, nobody knows we're in this relationship, literally
except for us, you know, and that seems weird in
the year of two. I just don't think it's okay too.
(04:15):
I understand being private, but this is a secret. I'm
a secret. This is in privacy anymore. Anytime I brought
up the fact that i'd like to meet as parents,
we've never spend holidays together. Anytime I bring things like
that up, he tells me, I'm being childish. That's a
little ship and I need to get over that. But
why is it important to me his family when his
(04:36):
mama don't really care to meet nobody else, She don't
want to meet no more women, things of that nature.
But you're telling me that we're gonna be together forever.
You're even doing the things to you know, we're doing
the things to make a baby here, you know. So
I know it's time to stop fooling around and to
just grow up. And although he's gonna tell me whatever
(04:58):
I need to hear to stay, I'm really ready to
walk away. We had an actual talk yesterday and he
told me finally that he wouldn't be able to marry me,
not right now at least, and I really feel like
I need to take that his face value and get
the funk away. Jess, help my mess aside. No, he
(05:19):
is a wealthy man and at this point he's a
shiny ass penny. Yes I said it, regardless of what
he has, or how good he loves, or why the
way he has treated me has been I feel like
mental mind gaze in that sick me, and I feel
like he's better than that, and I'm better than that,
(05:41):
and I should do us both of favorite and walk away.
But Jess, I need you to straighten me up. I
need you to tell me this. So when I think
about answering those calls again, when I felt like talking
to him again, no no, no no, no, we're not doing that.
I want to be done I need better. I want
to be a wife. I want to find my husband,
and I really do bad all about myself. It's how
(06:02):
I'm not gonna be your wife. So I just need
some encouraging words. Please, yes, thank you, So girl, I'm
gonna beat you down, then I'm gonna build you up
and encourage you and seeing you on your way because
you asked for this, all right. First of all, you
already know because you kept saying it while you were
telling me. You know, you know what type of man
this is, you know, And he caught you very, very young.
(06:23):
He caught you when you were eighteen. He was thirty eight.
What the funk are you doing? What a baby? Now? Listen,
I've done this as well. When I was sixteen, I
was in a relationship with a thirty I think he
was thirty eight too. I met this man when I
was four, saying he was thirty four. Yeah, he was
twenty years older than me, twenty years older than me
(06:44):
when I was sixteen. So I absolutely know exactly how
you feel. I know your pain. That ship makes you
feel special. You know what I'm saying, especially in your
little young mind. I'm speaking to eighteen year old you
and your young mind or doing a damn thing cause
you gotta niggle that drive. And he older, he dies,
and he that, and he dies and he that, and
you know what that has done. It's kind of took
(07:08):
you out of the dating pool to date your age,
or to date a little older than you until even
experience what peer love could be like. You didn't even
get to experience what you don't like. You know what
I'm saying, or what turns you off about an older guy,
because you ain't never been dating no younger guys, you
know what I'm saying. Now, you said you have a baby,
and apparently that's not his baby, obviously, and I'm very
(07:29):
glad that it's not. So Apparently you you've been doing
some other fucking and sucking outside of this man and
I and listen, more power to you because you do
not need to be with him. You didn't have no
business band with him. He was eighteen. He didn't have
no business fucking praying on you when you were eighteen
years old. Now listen, this is something that he does.
And I'm gonna say this because this is something that
the guy that I was dating when I was sixteen
(07:51):
did as well. You think you're the only one, and
you're not. He has a bunch of y'all little young girls.
And I think he also may be married as well.
He's probably bored and his married. He probably is never
gonna leave his wife or whoever the funk he got
at home, which is why you never see him on holidays.
But you are his fun now. He's been doing this
for a long time, so he knows how to keep
up these relationships and make each one of y'all feel
(08:13):
like y'all are the priority. You said. He talks to
you every day, y'all flirt every day you're able to
see him. You just don't get to spend the times
of the year that means the most to people usually,
and that those are holidays, birthdays and stuff like that.
He's keeping you exactly where he wants you to be.
He's gonna tell you anything you want to here to
(08:34):
get you to never leave, because that's exactly what he
was doing when he met you. That's why he prays
on y'all so young. That's why he dates y'all so young. Now,
mind you, I'm saying y'all because you're not the only one.
That should be evident enough this is me straightening you up.
That should be evident enough for you to be like, oh, yeah,
I'm done. Yeah you're not his only little young baby.
And while he's not old enough to be a sugar daddy,
(08:56):
oh he on his way, and I can say you're
a sugar baby. He may not be a sugar daddy,
but baby, you are a sugar baby. Believe that that's
what it is. I think you know what to do.
And I know you said I want to be a wife.
I want to be married, just I want, I want,
I want, But not at the expense of your hearts,
not at the expense of who you are, your mind,
(09:19):
your dignity. Girl, do not rob yourself. You're dodging a
bullet leaving that ship alone. You're doing him a favor
and your favor, and his wife a favor, or his
girlfriend a favor. You're doing a favor for all three
of y'all at this point. But the fact that you've
been cooking and cleaning and like, this motherfucker is training
you to be a wife that you'll never be so
(09:39):
actually trained you for somebody else, you know, because you're
gonna make someone a very lucky husband one day. It
just cannot be that, nigga. It cannot and it won't be.
If it's anything I can do in my power, I
will not let you do that. Ship girl, Hell no,
you're twenty three. You're supposed to be worrying about what
fucking career choice you want to pick. You supposed to
(10:00):
be worried about, you know, like, come on now and
then you and your early twenties, we are in different times.
Now you're supposed to be thinking about starting the fucking business,
going back to school if that's what you want to do.
You're supposed to be worrying about other ship, how you
can get ahead in life, how you can be setting
yourself up so you can be well off in your thirties. Okay,
you're supposed to be going to parties and ship. You're
(10:21):
supposed to be dating around, not waiting for old ass
man to leave another woman, because that's exactly what you
will be waiting for, And you don't even know that's
what you will be signing up for. Don't nobody know
about you, and ain't nobody going on about you. Imagine
him bringing your little young ass to his mother. Imagine
that he wouldn't do that if he wasn't with another woman.
(10:43):
You're too young, I would feel Harrid was a forty
one year old man bringing my twenty three year old
girlfriend to meet my mother. What it's nothing that he
can even learn from you. A relationship is given, take everything.
It's benefit for both everything. I want a man I
can learn from, but I also want my man to
learn from me. It ain't nothing that he can learn
from your little ass. Nothing. I'm not saying that you're dense,
(11:06):
or you're stupid, or you're not intelligent or anything. No uneducated.
That's not to say that he has been twenty three before.
And I understand you're very mature dealing with his old ass,
but you still can't teach him ship. That's why he
wants to control the situation, because you know he manipulates you.
You can't teach him anything. You're not even in control
of the situation. But you're gonna take control. You're gonna
(11:27):
leave that ass. That's how you get revenge, that's how
you control. You leave it and let him deal with
any other little young girl he's gonna deal with. Let
him sell them drink to somebody else. Okay, seriously, raise
your baby and date date. I don't feel bad telling
young girls data around, data around, How the funk? You
(11:47):
know what you want if you've never had nothing to
compare it to? How the fun? You know you're comparing
everybody this old ass man girl. What somebody gonna meet
you and rock your world? Sweep you off your fucking feet, beautiful,
don't let it go? All right? I love you, like
literally like I love you. Hold up, Hold up? I
know the ship getting good. But listen to just a
(12:08):
couple of seconds of a commercial with you love me.
You'll listen moving on. This is an update, and then
she has another problem and she would like for me
to fix. Listen pages. I was just listening to you
on the Note for Sure podcast, and it reminded me
that I forgot to actually fucking update you. But I
listened to your advice, and you know what, I literally
(12:29):
put my pride aside for no reason. I had always,
you know, wanted to hit them up, but I was
just scared or whatever. And I once I heard you say,
you know, either pray for new friends to come into
your life, or hit them up because you missed them
or whatever, I literally was crying listening to it, because,
like I genuinely really missed them, like it's it's like
a part of me is grieving because I missed him
(12:50):
so much. So I did what you said, and I
texted both of them, and one of them was like,
she was like awkwardly texting me as if like why
are texting me? Or like what did you here? So
I just stopped texting her, and the other one left
me on red. So I just want to thank you
for taking the time out to listen to my story
and help me with that. And I'm gonna pray for
(13:11):
some new friends because the hosts it's not ship. Thank you.
I love you by exactly, baby, I love you too,
and listen, that's no love loss there. If you want
to continue to pray for those ladies, you can. If
you just want to leave it there, leave it there,
don't reach out again. You missed them so much and
you love them still with everything in you because you
guys grew up together. Those were your first real friends.
(13:33):
But people grow up and certain people evolved and some
people don't. When you grow, everybody won't grow with you. Unfortunately,
everybody grows at their own pace. Those girls are still
stuck in the motherfucking hood fighting and ship. They want
some zoos network ship. Now you want some HBO ship. Baby,
go ahead, keep on going, keep on fucking going. Okay,
(13:54):
no love loss, and don't even regret hitting them, because
maybe that's the closure that you fucking need it. A
lot of people don't realize closure doesn't have to always
be positive. Closure doesn't have to always bring you back together,
because if it's closure, then it's not closed. You're reopening,
you're rehashing. No closure is exactly what the funk you got?
(14:16):
All right, left me already? All right, I'll reached out.
I love you, guys. I'm gonna love y'all from a distance.
That's it. If you still choose to. But you said it,
I didn't them holes ain't ship and it wasn't ship before.
But you loved them. Y'all had a relationship, you know,
you had friendship, and it's nothing wrong with that. That's it.
They just gave you the closure that you needed. Now
you have another story. I'm gonna play hey, just so
(14:39):
I'm back, and I just want to get your advice
on this situation to see if it's really the deal
I'm making it or if I'm overreacting. So to give
you a little background history. I let my man about
four years ago and we've been in a relationship for
three years together. We have one kid, but he came
(15:01):
with one and then I had one, so we have
three kids all together. The relationship is really well, It's
a typical relationship. We argue some days, but we're always
good most of the time, so that's really good. He's
a good man. He's good to me. He really does
a lot for me, for my son. We all love him,
(15:21):
but I kind of feel like, in a way, he
belittles me, and it's honestly starting to funk with me.
He's a few years older than me, like about five
years older than me, so he has some more experience
in life, and I never take away from him. He
did like three years in jail, so he has a
lot of knowledge. Now. The problem is when it comes
(15:44):
to me expressing anything to him, I feel like he
makes it seem as if I'm dumb. He belittles any
knowledge that I talked to him about, and it's kind
of starting to put me in a place where I
feel like, you know, I don't want to be with
this man because he doesn't look at me as smart,
like sometimes when I explained things to him, it's you know, easy,
(16:07):
but other times it's like he's trying to belittle what
I'm saying or my point of view. So for instance,
I was talking to him because he's in jail now.
And now I didn't meet him in jail. He just
with the jail this year, So don't do that. But
so for instance, he's in jail, so of course he
doesn't have any access to any internet or anything. And
(16:28):
he said that the TV is always on sports. So
I was telling him about the ten year old boy
who killed his mom and Missouri, and I was telling him,
you know, what the news reporter said. I constantly stated
what the news said or what the article said, or
what this, this and that said. And then it's like
I was like, you know, a little bit emotional because
I'm a mom myself and I have two kids, and
(16:50):
I feel like it was just like heartbreaking as a mother.
So I was talking to him about it. I was
really vulnerable. It was really bother me, something that still
bothers me because it's really new. But it's like he
brushed off how I was feeling, and he was just saying,
you know, will I don't know what happened, but I
don't believe everything that be on the news. I feel
(17:13):
like people believe anything somebody tell them, and I feel
like it's always like that. Even when he explains things
to me, he starts talking by saying, well, I know
you don't know, or I know you don't think like this,
or you know. He basically just always tries to make
it seem like I'm this a dumb as bitch, and
it's honestly starting to bother me. Like I told you,
(17:35):
We've been together three years, so this is three years
of this ship been built up. We have talked about
him untiple of times, and I have told him that
I would prefer him not to say those type of
words before we're discussing anything. Don't tell me, will you
know I don't think like this or you know, because
you don't know what the funk I know, you don't
know how the funk I think. And it's really starting
(17:57):
to bother me to the point where I'm starting to
for a lot of love with him because I feel
like he doesn't look at me as a black educated
woman that I carried myself to be. And usually people
break up with people for cheating or being abusive, and
it's literally none of that. And that's why, Like I've
asked one other person besides you, and they said that,
(18:20):
you know, it's just how he is because he was
in prison. You know, a lot of people who went
to prison before are really educated because they don't have
anything to do but read and learn upon things, which
is also true. He is a you know, educated black man.
He's highly educated, and I give him that props, but
I just feel like when it comes to me, it's
nothing like he belittles me all the time. No matter
(18:43):
what we're talking about. I always feel like he just
puts me down when it comes to being educated, and
it's starting to bother me. When I do tell him
stuff like what's bothering me or what he's saying that
he shouldn't say. He he does apologize, and he honestly
takes my feel is in consideration for the moment, and
he might not say it for about a week. But
(19:04):
then it's like when we're talking about something else that's
going on in social media or for our future, he
always mentions that, you know, I know you don't think
like this, and it's just starting to like annoy the
hell out of me, and I don't want to be
with him. So I just want to come to you
and see if I'm over reacting. Is it not a
big deal, Because, like I said, I carry myself as
(19:27):
an educated black woman. I am young. I'm only twenty
one and he is twenty six, so we do have
like a little bit of an age difference. And I
know that could be not a big deal to most
because I'm considered younger to him and I haven't been
through that much in life. But I still feel like
I carry myself well and I would like other people
(19:48):
to notice how educated I am, especially my man. If
nobody else noticed, then I would at least want my
man to know, you know, hey, I have a beautiful
black woman who is also educated. It like, I don't
want him to just think that, you know, I'm just
dumb bitch. And even if he doesn't think it, because
he always says that's not what I'm thinking, that's not
what I mean, I just don't like the tone when
(20:10):
we're talking, to the point where I have just stopped
talking to him about ship that I know he would
respond in that type of manner about. So, yeah, girl,
I just want to know, am I OVERREACTA Is it
not a big deal? Am I doing too much? You know?
Like I said, we have been together for three years,
but I'm just annoyed as hell. Now we got a
(20:32):
commercial and if you click off of this podcast, I
swear I'm gonna beat your ass. Listen. Okay, No, I
don't think you're overreacting at all. I don't, and I
think the rest of the listeners could agree with me
as well. I don't think you're overreacting. Um. I think
this is something within himself. He's not happy in his
life where he is. Anytime he has to just keep
(20:53):
telling you you don't think like that, or I don't
listen to everything that happens out of the Obviously you
don't listen, and obviously you don't know everything thing or
you would know how to keep that ass out of jail.
About that, you know, now, listen, while people do go
to jail, and that's where a lot of men and
women both are taught a lot of things because right
they don't really have a lot of things that they
(21:14):
can do a lot of activities that can get into
you know, they're in jail. They're in prison, so they
do read a lot of people do read, and they
and they educate themselves, and they even have classes in prisons,
you know, not jails so much, but in prisons, you know,
they got classes you can take and all that type
of stuff. I'm not putting anything past how educated he
is or not, but I also feel like that he
plays on the fact that you are young, five years
(21:35):
younger than he is. And I feel like you're kind
of letting that play on you as well, because I've
even heard you say, and I have really been through
much in life. No, no, no, no no. I think
you're letting him make you think that way of yourself.
You maybe have gone through different ship than he has
gone through, for sure, because he is in and out
of jail. Baby, you're not. But that doesn't go to
say you haven't been through anything. You know. Don't talk
(22:00):
like that, don't you know? And it is not what
he says the way he says it. You know, I
do understand that that could be a point as well,
because you're just like, look, don't tell me what the
funk I know. He can't tell you what you know.
And yes, you do want to be supportive. You do
want to feel like your man is confident in you,
just as you're a confident in yourself. I am a beautiful, black,
(22:20):
educated woman, and yeah, I have a queen by my side.
She's smart, she knows some ship. You know, we both
don't know everything, but we know a little about a lot.
And that's what I always say. I don't know everything,
but I know a little about a lot. You know
what I'm saying. So I don't want to ever tell
someone to leave someone unless they're being physically harmed or
(22:41):
mentally abused. But I do feel like he has to
take a break from the relationship and get his own
self together mentally. There's something he's battling and something that
is weighing on his heart and over his head about
his own life. I strongly feel that, Um, I don't
know what that is. You've been with him for three years.
(23:02):
You've been with him longer, so you would know. Before
y'all god together. I imagine that you guys were just friends.
So I mean, I can't assume I don't. I don't know,
But you know him more than I know him. You
know him more than the listeners know him. You would
know if there was something that he was suffering with,
or that was something that he was just mentally battling,
and unfortunately, we as girlfriends can't always help our men
(23:24):
out with that. They have to get professional help, they
have to actually go and seek help on their own
because they're just running away from their problems. They're masking
their problems and then internally shunning them, like internally shutting down,
and then projecting what they're going through on others. And
that's not good either, because now you're blaming everyone else
for for your issues. I feel that's what he does,
(23:46):
and I can bet you it's very very difficult for him,
or very rare that he accepts accountability for ship that
he does, or you know, just anything that he's Why
he's in jail, why you guys argue, why he treats
you the way that he does, things like that. I
think you should take a break from a relationship, have
(24:08):
him get himself together. He and jail now shift he
got nothing but time and books to read. Get yourself together?
Why he on inside and he needed to get himself together.
Why he's away from you, and then revisit it. But
I don't I don't think that it's really healthy, especially
if you've been in this for three years and it's
just now starting to funk with you. Oh baby, listen,
you're young. You should be doing so many other things
(24:29):
right now instead of trying to pick a man's fucking
brain apart to see why he doesn't think you're smart.
Excuse me, You're twenty one, all right. Get yourself together
and hopefully he gets himself together. Check back in with me, girl, listen.
That is the end of this episode, y'all. I love
you all so much. I really love what I do.
(24:49):
I love what Carefully Reckless has formed into. I love
that it's a very therapeutic space. It's a very safe
space for my listeners. It's a safe space for my
girls and my guys who are sending me their situations
that they need to help on, that they need me
to fix, you know, or try to fix. And I'm
just happy that I can be of any assistance to
any of you that I have helped, and I'm sorry
(25:11):
for those who I haven't. But make sure you tune
into Carefully Reckless each and every Wednesday. Tuned into Reckless
Discussions this evening as well as seven pm only on
YouTube and in my deepest pan boys piece. Carefully Reckless
(26:34):
is a production of i heart Radio and The Black Effect.
For more podcasts from I heart Radio, visit the i
heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to
your favorite shows.
Welcome to Carefully Reckless, the production of our Heart Radio
and the Black Effects, And just like that, we're back
on the air. Welcome back to you. Got another Carefully
Reckless episode with your girl Joss. Hilarious. I'm gonna jump
(00:21):
straight in, just fix my mess again. We got some
voice notes this time, y'all. Thank you, because I'm getting
tired to read y'all. Long ast synopsis. All right, y'all,
don't be spelling right or nothing. I keep telling you
all the proof read or send in your voice. But
I love y'all either way, so I guess I'm gonna
just had to keep reading. Here we go. Hey, Jess,
(00:42):
I've been listening to your podcast. It's the very beginning,
and I've always wanted to send in something, but I
just never had the courage. So today I'm doing it.
So I'm twenty three years old and I've been dealing
with the guy four five years now. Actually yes, they
made it years. We've been on and off. We somewhat
(01:04):
have a relationship, and I will break that down to you,
but I believe me being young and um, I've accepted
this and allowed it to go on way longer than
it has. And I really think I know it's best,
but due to also doubted myself, I'm not sure. So
I really like advices on this. So the guy I've
(01:24):
been dating for the last five years talking to, I
would say when I met him, initially, I was twenty
years old and by the time he was thirty eight
years old. So fast forward, I'm twenty three today and
he's forty one. I know, huge huge age gap between
the two of us. We've worked at that. That's really
(01:44):
never been a problem for me, the age thing, and
he's never been a problem from him. But relationship wise,
since day one, since I've known this man, he got
my number, we went out and then till I went
to his house and it's been like this every since.
Like he called me every day, We call each other
every day. Then it went from him calling me baby
(02:05):
pretty face, to telling me this is forever. So now
I'm believing in my head this is a relationship. This
man wants me forever, and you know, I should be
acting as if I want to be wanted forever. You know,
I should do my wifely duties. Now, that's what I'm thinking.
So for the past five years, that's what I've been doing.
(02:26):
Although we don't live together. I'm at his house a lot.
He will come and get me and I'll be there
for maybe sometimes up to a month. I'll be you know,
with him, or you know, whatever may be the case.
I am a mother, so you know, I have my
own schedule. Of course, I'm doing my thing on the
side as my mother. I've never you know, select on
(02:50):
my mother's skills to be with him. But this relationship
has taken a lot from me in my twenties. You know,
I've been only about him um and it's been feeling weird.
These are red flags that I know I should have
paid attention to a long time ago, but he has
filled my head up with so many excuses that I
(03:10):
thought it was normal. So I haven't met his mother,
I haven't met his sister. He only has one sip
where I've never met any of them. He doesn't post
me on social media. It was hard to get a
date out of this man. And literally, as I'm sitting
here telling you this story, like I know, I know, literally, yeah,
(03:30):
it's time for me to walk away fast. For five
years later, I've been sucking and scking this man. You know,
I've been doing all that to him, I've been cooking
and cleaning, and I come to his house and wash
his fucking walls and clean his fucking shower, and make
up dinner, bakeup cakes, like all of the above. And
(03:52):
I know I'm doing too much. And as a twenty
three year old, there's so much more. There's so much
more to be experienced in life. And why I said,
you know, it hasn't been a full blown relationship because
like I said, nobody knows we're in this relationship, literally
except for us, you know, and that seems weird in
the year of two. I just don't think it's okay too.
(04:15):
I understand being private, but this is a secret. I'm
a secret. This is in privacy anymore. Anytime I brought
up the fact that i'd like to meet as parents,
we've never spend holidays together. Anytime I bring things like
that up, he tells me, I'm being childish. That's a
little ship and I need to get over that. But
why is it important to me his family when his
(04:36):
mama don't really care to meet nobody else, She don't
want to meet no more women, things of that nature.
But you're telling me that we're gonna be together forever.
You're even doing the things to you know, we're doing
the things to make a baby here, you know. So
I know it's time to stop fooling around and to
just grow up. And although he's gonna tell me whatever
(04:58):
I need to hear to stay, I'm really ready to
walk away. We had an actual talk yesterday and he
told me finally that he wouldn't be able to marry me,
not right now at least, and I really feel like
I need to take that his face value and get
the funk away. Jess, help my mess aside. No, he
(05:19):
is a wealthy man and at this point he's a
shiny ass penny. Yes I said it, regardless of what
he has, or how good he loves, or why the
way he has treated me has been I feel like
mental mind gaze in that sick me, and I feel
like he's better than that, and I'm better than that,
(05:41):
and I should do us both of favorite and walk away.
But Jess, I need you to straighten me up. I
need you to tell me this. So when I think
about answering those calls again, when I felt like talking
to him again, no no, no no, no, we're not doing that.
I want to be done I need better. I want
to be a wife. I want to find my husband,
and I really do bad all about myself. It's how
(06:02):
I'm not gonna be your wife. So I just need
some encouraging words. Please, yes, thank you, So girl, I'm
gonna beat you down, then I'm gonna build you up
and encourage you and seeing you on your way because
you asked for this, all right. First of all, you
already know because you kept saying it while you were
telling me. You know, you know what type of man
this is, you know, And he caught you very, very young.
(06:23):
He caught you when you were eighteen. He was thirty eight.
What the funk are you doing? What a baby? Now? Listen,
I've done this as well. When I was sixteen, I
was in a relationship with a thirty I think he
was thirty eight too. I met this man when I
was four, saying he was thirty four. Yeah, he was
twenty years older than me, twenty years older than me
(06:44):
when I was sixteen. So I absolutely know exactly how
you feel. I know your pain. That ship makes you
feel special. You know what I'm saying, especially in your
little young mind. I'm speaking to eighteen year old you
and your young mind or doing a damn thing cause
you gotta niggle that drive. And he older, he dies,
and he that, and he dies and he that, and
you know what that has done. It's kind of took
(07:08):
you out of the dating pool to date your age,
or to date a little older than you until even
experience what peer love could be like. You didn't even
get to experience what you don't like. You know what
I'm saying, or what turns you off about an older guy,
because you ain't never been dating no younger guys, you
know what I'm saying. Now, you said you have a baby,
and apparently that's not his baby, obviously, and I'm very
(07:29):
glad that it's not. So Apparently you you've been doing
some other fucking and sucking outside of this man and
I and listen, more power to you because you do
not need to be with him. You didn't have no
business band with him. He was eighteen. He didn't have
no business fucking praying on you when you were eighteen
years old. Now listen, this is something that he does.
And I'm gonna say this because this is something that
the guy that I was dating when I was sixteen
(07:51):
did as well. You think you're the only one, and
you're not. He has a bunch of y'all little young girls.
And I think he also may be married as well.
He's probably bored and his married. He probably is never
gonna leave his wife or whoever the funk he got
at home, which is why you never see him on holidays.
But you are his fun now. He's been doing this
for a long time, so he knows how to keep
up these relationships and make each one of y'all feel
(08:13):
like y'all are the priority. You said. He talks to
you every day, y'all flirt every day you're able to
see him. You just don't get to spend the times
of the year that means the most to people usually,
and that those are holidays, birthdays and stuff like that.
He's keeping you exactly where he wants you to be.
He's gonna tell you anything you want to here to
(08:34):
get you to never leave, because that's exactly what he
was doing when he met you. That's why he prays
on y'all so young. That's why he dates y'all so young. Now,
mind you, I'm saying y'all because you're not the only one.
That should be evident enough this is me straightening you up.
That should be evident enough for you to be like, oh, yeah,
I'm done. Yeah you're not his only little young baby.
And while he's not old enough to be a sugar daddy,
(08:56):
oh he on his way, and I can say you're
a sugar baby. He may not be a sugar daddy,
but baby, you are a sugar baby. Believe that that's
what it is. I think you know what to do.
And I know you said I want to be a wife.
I want to be married, just I want, I want,
I want, But not at the expense of your hearts,
not at the expense of who you are, your mind,
(09:19):
your dignity. Girl, do not rob yourself. You're dodging a
bullet leaving that ship alone. You're doing him a favor
and your favor, and his wife a favor, or his
girlfriend a favor. You're doing a favor for all three
of y'all at this point. But the fact that you've
been cooking and cleaning and like, this motherfucker is training
you to be a wife that you'll never be so
(09:39):
actually trained you for somebody else, you know, because you're
gonna make someone a very lucky husband one day. It
just cannot be that, nigga. It cannot and it won't be.
If it's anything I can do in my power, I
will not let you do that. Ship girl, Hell no,
you're twenty three. You're supposed to be worrying about what
fucking career choice you want to pick. You supposed to
(10:00):
be worried about, you know, like, come on now and
then you and your early twenties, we are in different times.
Now you're supposed to be thinking about starting the fucking business,
going back to school if that's what you want to do.
You're supposed to be worrying about other ship, how you
can get ahead in life, how you can be setting
yourself up so you can be well off in your thirties. Okay,
you're supposed to be going to parties and ship. You're
(10:21):
supposed to be dating around, not waiting for old ass
man to leave another woman, because that's exactly what you
will be waiting for, And you don't even know that's
what you will be signing up for. Don't nobody know
about you, and ain't nobody going on about you. Imagine
him bringing your little young ass to his mother. Imagine
that he wouldn't do that if he wasn't with another woman.
(10:43):
You're too young, I would feel Harrid was a forty
one year old man bringing my twenty three year old
girlfriend to meet my mother. What it's nothing that he
can even learn from you. A relationship is given, take everything.
It's benefit for both everything. I want a man I
can learn from, but I also want my man to
learn from me. It ain't nothing that he can learn
from your little ass. Nothing. I'm not saying that you're dense,
(11:06):
or you're stupid, or you're not intelligent or anything. No uneducated.
That's not to say that he has been twenty three before.
And I understand you're very mature dealing with his old ass,
but you still can't teach him ship. That's why he
wants to control the situation, because you know he manipulates you.
You can't teach him anything. You're not even in control
of the situation. But you're gonna take control. You're gonna
(11:27):
leave that ass. That's how you get revenge, that's how
you control. You leave it and let him deal with
any other little young girl he's gonna deal with. Let
him sell them drink to somebody else. Okay, seriously, raise
your baby and date date. I don't feel bad telling
young girls data around, data around, How the funk? You
(11:47):
know what you want if you've never had nothing to
compare it to? How the fun? You know you're comparing
everybody this old ass man girl. What somebody gonna meet
you and rock your world? Sweep you off your fucking feet, beautiful,
don't let it go? All right? I love you, like
literally like I love you. Hold up, Hold up? I
know the ship getting good. But listen to just a
(12:08):
couple of seconds of a commercial with you love me.
You'll listen moving on. This is an update, and then
she has another problem and she would like for me
to fix. Listen pages. I was just listening to you
on the Note for Sure podcast, and it reminded me
that I forgot to actually fucking update you. But I
listened to your advice, and you know what, I literally
(12:29):
put my pride aside for no reason. I had always,
you know, wanted to hit them up, but I was
just scared or whatever. And I once I heard you say,
you know, either pray for new friends to come into
your life, or hit them up because you missed them
or whatever, I literally was crying listening to it, because,
like I genuinely really missed them, like it's it's like
a part of me is grieving because I missed him
(12:50):
so much. So I did what you said, and I
texted both of them, and one of them was like,
she was like awkwardly texting me as if like why
are texting me? Or like what did you here? So
I just stopped texting her, and the other one left
me on red. So I just want to thank you
for taking the time out to listen to my story
and help me with that. And I'm gonna pray for
(13:11):
some new friends because the hosts it's not ship. Thank you.
I love you by exactly, baby, I love you too,
and listen, that's no love loss there. If you want
to continue to pray for those ladies, you can. If
you just want to leave it there, leave it there,
don't reach out again. You missed them so much and
you love them still with everything in you because you
guys grew up together. Those were your first real friends.
(13:33):
But people grow up and certain people evolved and some
people don't. When you grow, everybody won't grow with you. Unfortunately,
everybody grows at their own pace. Those girls are still
stuck in the motherfucking hood fighting and ship. They want
some zoos network ship. Now you want some HBO ship. Baby,
go ahead, keep on going, keep on fucking going. Okay,
(13:54):
no love loss, and don't even regret hitting them, because
maybe that's the closure that you fucking need it. A
lot of people don't realize closure doesn't have to always
be positive. Closure doesn't have to always bring you back together,
because if it's closure, then it's not closed. You're reopening,
you're rehashing. No closure is exactly what the funk you got?
(14:16):
All right, left me already? All right, I'll reached out.
I love you, guys. I'm gonna love y'all from a distance.
That's it. If you still choose to. But you said it,
I didn't them holes ain't ship and it wasn't ship before.
But you loved them. Y'all had a relationship, you know,
you had friendship, and it's nothing wrong with that. That's it.
They just gave you the closure that you needed. Now
you have another story. I'm gonna play hey, just so
(14:39):
I'm back, and I just want to get your advice
on this situation to see if it's really the deal
I'm making it or if I'm overreacting. So to give
you a little background history. I let my man about
four years ago and we've been in a relationship for
three years together. We have one kid, but he came
(15:01):
with one and then I had one, so we have
three kids all together. The relationship is really well, It's
a typical relationship. We argue some days, but we're always
good most of the time, so that's really good. He's
a good man. He's good to me. He really does
a lot for me, for my son. We all love him,
(15:21):
but I kind of feel like, in a way, he
belittles me, and it's honestly starting to funk with me.
He's a few years older than me, like about five
years older than me, so he has some more experience
in life, and I never take away from him. He
did like three years in jail, so he has a
lot of knowledge. Now. The problem is when it comes
(15:44):
to me expressing anything to him, I feel like he
makes it seem as if I'm dumb. He belittles any
knowledge that I talked to him about, and it's kind
of starting to put me in a place where I
feel like, you know, I don't want to be with
this man because he doesn't look at me as smart,
like sometimes when I explained things to him, it's you know, easy,
(16:07):
but other times it's like he's trying to belittle what
I'm saying or my point of view. So for instance,
I was talking to him because he's in jail now.
And now I didn't meet him in jail. He just
with the jail this year, So don't do that. But
so for instance, he's in jail, so of course he
doesn't have any access to any internet or anything. And
(16:28):
he said that the TV is always on sports. So
I was telling him about the ten year old boy
who killed his mom and Missouri, and I was telling him,
you know, what the news reporter said. I constantly stated
what the news said or what the article said, or
what this, this and that said. And then it's like
I was like, you know, a little bit emotional because
I'm a mom myself and I have two kids, and
(16:50):
I feel like it was just like heartbreaking as a mother.
So I was talking to him about it. I was
really vulnerable. It was really bother me, something that still
bothers me because it's really new. But it's like he
brushed off how I was feeling, and he was just saying,
you know, will I don't know what happened, but I
don't believe everything that be on the news. I feel
(17:13):
like people believe anything somebody tell them, and I feel
like it's always like that. Even when he explains things
to me, he starts talking by saying, well, I know
you don't know, or I know you don't think like this,
or you know. He basically just always tries to make
it seem like I'm this a dumb as bitch, and
it's honestly starting to bother me. Like I told you,
(17:35):
We've been together three years, so this is three years
of this ship been built up. We have talked about
him untiple of times, and I have told him that
I would prefer him not to say those type of
words before we're discussing anything. Don't tell me, will you
know I don't think like this or you know, because
you don't know what the funk I know, you don't
know how the funk I think. And it's really starting
(17:57):
to bother me to the point where I'm starting to
for a lot of love with him because I feel
like he doesn't look at me as a black educated
woman that I carried myself to be. And usually people
break up with people for cheating or being abusive, and
it's literally none of that. And that's why, Like I've
asked one other person besides you, and they said that,
(18:20):
you know, it's just how he is because he was
in prison. You know, a lot of people who went
to prison before are really educated because they don't have
anything to do but read and learn upon things, which
is also true. He is a you know, educated black man.
He's highly educated, and I give him that props, but
I just feel like when it comes to me, it's
nothing like he belittles me all the time. No matter
(18:43):
what we're talking about. I always feel like he just
puts me down when it comes to being educated, and
it's starting to bother me. When I do tell him
stuff like what's bothering me or what he's saying that
he shouldn't say. He he does apologize, and he honestly
takes my feel is in consideration for the moment, and
he might not say it for about a week. But
(19:04):
then it's like when we're talking about something else that's
going on in social media or for our future, he
always mentions that, you know, I know you don't think
like this, and it's just starting to like annoy the
hell out of me, and I don't want to be
with him. So I just want to come to you
and see if I'm over reacting. Is it not a
big deal, Because, like I said, I carry myself as
(19:27):
an educated black woman. I am young. I'm only twenty
one and he is twenty six, so we do have
like a little bit of an age difference. And I
know that could be not a big deal to most
because I'm considered younger to him and I haven't been
through that much in life. But I still feel like
I carry myself well and I would like other people
(19:48):
to notice how educated I am, especially my man. If
nobody else noticed, then I would at least want my
man to know, you know, hey, I have a beautiful
black woman who is also educated. It like, I don't
want him to just think that, you know, I'm just
dumb bitch. And even if he doesn't think it, because
he always says that's not what I'm thinking, that's not
what I mean, I just don't like the tone when
(20:10):
we're talking, to the point where I have just stopped
talking to him about ship that I know he would
respond in that type of manner about. So, yeah, girl,
I just want to know, am I OVERREACTA Is it
not a big deal? Am I doing too much? You know?
Like I said, we have been together for three years,
but I'm just annoyed as hell. Now we got a
(20:32):
commercial and if you click off of this podcast, I
swear I'm gonna beat your ass. Listen. Okay, No, I
don't think you're overreacting at all. I don't, and I
think the rest of the listeners could agree with me
as well. I don't think you're overreacting. Um. I think
this is something within himself. He's not happy in his
life where he is. Anytime he has to just keep
(20:53):
telling you you don't think like that, or I don't
listen to everything that happens out of the Obviously you
don't listen, and obviously you don't know everything thing or
you would know how to keep that ass out of jail.
About that, you know, now, listen, while people do go
to jail, and that's where a lot of men and
women both are taught a lot of things because right
they don't really have a lot of things that they
(21:14):
can do a lot of activities that can get into
you know, they're in jail. They're in prison, so they
do read a lot of people do read, and they
and they educate themselves, and they even have classes in prisons,
you know, not jails so much, but in prisons, you know,
they got classes you can take and all that type
of stuff. I'm not putting anything past how educated he
is or not, but I also feel like that he
plays on the fact that you are young, five years
(21:35):
younger than he is. And I feel like you're kind
of letting that play on you as well, because I've
even heard you say, and I have really been through
much in life. No, no, no, no no. I think
you're letting him make you think that way of yourself.
You maybe have gone through different ship than he has
gone through, for sure, because he is in and out
of jail. Baby, you're not. But that doesn't go to
say you haven't been through anything. You know. Don't talk
(22:00):
like that, don't you know? And it is not what
he says the way he says it. You know, I
do understand that that could be a point as well,
because you're just like, look, don't tell me what the
funk I know. He can't tell you what you know.
And yes, you do want to be supportive. You do
want to feel like your man is confident in you,
just as you're a confident in yourself. I am a beautiful, black,
(22:20):
educated woman, and yeah, I have a queen by my side.
She's smart, she knows some ship. You know, we both
don't know everything, but we know a little about a lot.
And that's what I always say. I don't know everything,
but I know a little about a lot. You know
what I'm saying. So I don't want to ever tell
someone to leave someone unless they're being physically harmed or
(22:41):
mentally abused. But I do feel like he has to
take a break from the relationship and get his own
self together mentally. There's something he's battling and something that
is weighing on his heart and over his head about
his own life. I strongly feel that, Um, I don't
know what that is. You've been with him for three years.
(23:02):
You've been with him longer, so you would know. Before
y'all god together. I imagine that you guys were just friends.
So I mean, I can't assume I don't. I don't know,
But you know him more than I know him. You
know him more than the listeners know him. You would
know if there was something that he was suffering with,
or that was something that he was just mentally battling,
and unfortunately, we as girlfriends can't always help our men
(23:24):
out with that. They have to get professional help, they
have to actually go and seek help on their own
because they're just running away from their problems. They're masking
their problems and then internally shunning them, like internally shutting down,
and then projecting what they're going through on others. And
that's not good either, because now you're blaming everyone else
for for your issues. I feel that's what he does,
(23:46):
and I can bet you it's very very difficult for him,
or very rare that he accepts accountability for ship that
he does, or you know, just anything that he's Why
he's in jail, why you guys argue, why he treats
you the way that he does, things like that. I
think you should take a break from a relationship, have
(24:08):
him get himself together. He and jail now shift he
got nothing but time and books to read. Get yourself together?
Why he on inside and he needed to get himself together.
Why he's away from you, and then revisit it. But
I don't I don't think that it's really healthy, especially
if you've been in this for three years and it's
just now starting to funk with you. Oh baby, listen,
you're young. You should be doing so many other things
(24:29):
right now instead of trying to pick a man's fucking
brain apart to see why he doesn't think you're smart.
Excuse me, You're twenty one, all right. Get yourself together
and hopefully he gets himself together. Check back in with me, girl, listen.
That is the end of this episode, y'all. I love
you all so much. I really love what I do.
(24:49):
I love what Carefully Reckless has formed into. I love
that it's a very therapeutic space. It's a very safe
space for my listeners. It's a safe space for my
girls and my guys who are sending me their situations
that they need to help on, that they need me
to fix, you know, or try to fix. And I'm
just happy that I can be of any assistance to
any of you that I have helped, and I'm sorry
(25:11):
for those who I haven't. But make sure you tune
into Carefully Reckless each and every Wednesday. Tuned into Reckless
Discussions this evening as well as seven pm only on
YouTube and in my deepest pan boys piece. Carefully Reckless
(26:34):
is a production of i heart Radio and The Black Effect.
For more podcasts from I heart Radio, visit the i
heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to
your favorite shows.
Host
Jess Hilarious
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