July 24, 2024 • 15 mins
Personal Trainer to the stars Michael Keeney @michaeledwardkeeney takes Kate and Shari on a journey to find himself. What transpires shocks even himself.
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
When does the lie become your truth?
Speaker 2 (00:02):
And this episode, our guest tells a lie to himself
that he so desperately wants to be true until finally
he just can't keep it in transparently.
Speaker 3 (00:13):
I do believe that people did not expect that it
would end well, because I do believe that people saw
who I really was and that I was lying enough
to myself and everyone.
Speaker 1 (00:22):
Else to know that.
Speaker 2 (00:30):
Hey everyone, I'm Shoty Diaz and I'm Kate Robart and
this is Cheaters and Backstabbers. We have a very exciting
episode for you today. It's actually our guest today is
Michael Keeney. He is a childhood friend of mine from
rural Texas and we both live in New York City.
Speaker 1 (00:51):
Now yeah but really fast.
Speaker 3 (00:53):
Fun fact, Kate and I used to call ourselves the
Cubic Sirconians of Southeast Texas because we were beautiful but
very cheap.
Speaker 1 (01:03):
And by cheap, it was broke.
Speaker 2 (01:05):
I had a single mom, like she's too hard.
Speaker 1 (01:08):
Yeah, I loved the kids.
Speaker 2 (01:09):
Oh my gosh, we start working and your dad was
the game warden.
Speaker 1 (01:13):
Yeah, if the alligators in your yard, we were the
ones that went and got that.
Speaker 2 (01:16):
Which I did have an alligator in my backyard.
Speaker 1 (01:18):
Yeah, enough about your ex boyfriend.
Speaker 2 (01:23):
Anyway, speaking of ex boyfriends, you are currently happily married,
but we're not going to talk about that. That's not
what this story of cheaters and backstabbers is going to be.
Speaker 1 (01:34):
Silly, he said.
Speaker 3 (01:35):
I grew up in Southeast Texas. It's a small town.
So I grew up. I went to a private Christian school,
and what I can say is Christian ccs the lions,
the trauma, not just any It was like, it's like,
what kind of Christian school is it? Okay, so you're
the Pentecostals who love to speak in the tongues and
(01:56):
loved to just like pass out like so dramatic.
Speaker 1 (01:59):
At that church, there was.
Speaker 3 (02:01):
A traveling show called Acchoire the Fire, which was literally
like they would h They brought actors in and it
would be different scenarios of people going to heaven or
going to Hell, and I being the performer actor that
I was god cast. I know, booked it, booked it.
I had these giant wings, gay giant wings. I booked
(02:22):
this thing, and I remember like I was the person
who had to send people to hell, and one of
them was like this woman Mary, who was like an
incredible woman who had done all of these great things,
and literally like I sent her to hell even though
she was a good person because she didn't believe in Jesus.
Speaker 2 (02:38):
Wow.
Speaker 3 (02:39):
And I mean, but that's when that's what you're taught.
Speaker 1 (02:43):
That's the way that you're taught to think.
Speaker 3 (02:45):
Like being told that homosexuality from a young age is
an abomination and that everyone has temptations and that you
just have to choose not to engage in them was
so interesting because I didn't know I was gay.
Speaker 2 (03:00):
It turns out Michael did not know a lot of things,
and he especially does not know who he really is.
So he goes ahead and does what he thinks is
the right thing to do.
Speaker 1 (03:14):
You get engaged to her.
Speaker 3 (03:15):
I always wanted to be in a relationship, but I
was outraging homosexual, even.
Speaker 1 (03:22):
Not knowing it.
Speaker 3 (03:23):
Like very you had no idea, I had no idea.
You knew me back then, though I was over the top.
I loved theater.
Speaker 2 (03:28):
I knew you did.
Speaker 4 (03:30):
Where did you meet the young lady?
Speaker 1 (03:31):
They so in college?
Speaker 2 (03:32):
Iwa, what were you studying in musical theater?
Speaker 3 (03:36):
The straightest of professions? The pipeline from musical theater into
fitness is dark. So I'm in school. We have every
year we would do competition shows. In college, we would
travel around and she was actually in a competition show.
I was in a competition show, so she saw me
in the show and she actually reached out to me.
(03:57):
And man, I was so desperate to be loved and
to feel validated because I was so afraid that I
was this thing that everyone said I was. And I
finally had someone who was interested in me. And she
looked like a Disney princess, beautiful, gorgeously. I knew that
I could love her, and I did. I loved her
(04:20):
with everything in me that could love a person.
Speaker 1 (04:25):
So how did how?
Speaker 2 (04:26):
What was the engagement like?
Speaker 3 (04:27):
And in those early days, I did these grand gestures.
We were together for two years before we got engaged,
and we got engaged on one of my family vacations
and we had gone.
Speaker 1 (04:37):
To a ross, just the classiest of.
Speaker 3 (04:40):
Things with my entire family, and she was like, give
me the ring and I was like, okay, well, all
one condition. I was like, you're gonna have to wear
this ring forever, and uh, you're gonna have to marry me.
And she was like all right, I was like, no,
I'm serious. If you take this ring, you're gonna have
to marry me. And she goes, I will marry you
with that TACKI Betsy Ross ring. She took it and
the ring fell out and she looked down at it
and she looked up at me, and I like, vividly,
(05:02):
remember this it's a a She goes, is this for real?
Speaker 1 (05:05):
And I picked up the ring and I said, will
you marry me? She said yes?
Speaker 3 (05:12):
And it was this whole like but that was our relationship,
was me showing up with grand gestures and not being
able to be a partner though, Like I could not
be a partner in this wow, and so like I
finished college a semester before her, so she was still
We moved in together in the Woodlands, which is about
forty five minutes north of Houston. I was doing all
these equity contracts. I was doing voiceover scring and so
(05:34):
we were living in the Woodlands and we were planning
our wedding and like, I was awful and selfish and like,
still not a good partner.
Speaker 2 (05:41):
Was it your idea to do the Lazy River?
Speaker 1 (05:44):
No, it's hers.
Speaker 2 (05:45):
You're compromising though, so you did compromise. I want to
make sure you're kind to yourself. Wait, so now the
red flags, the red flags are starting because well the.
Speaker 1 (05:52):
Red flag to probably trace back to the beginning.
Speaker 3 (05:55):
But yeah, it was very easy to not have to
do it. And one of her bridesmaids passed away very dramatically,
and it changed everything, Like life became very real very quickly.
And I remember I was doing a show and I
came home and she sat me down just four months before.
Speaker 2 (06:15):
The wedding, and it's sent aut invitation.
Speaker 1 (06:17):
Yeah, everything was like we were getting married in a.
Speaker 2 (06:19):
Vineyard, like, and everyone was happy for you. You know,
it's like you're checking these boxes off.
Speaker 3 (06:24):
I feel like transparently, I do believe that people did
not expect that it would end well, because I do
believe that people saw who I really was, and that
I was lying enough to myself and everyone else to know.
Speaker 1 (06:36):
That Michael was my good friend and still is.
Speaker 2 (06:40):
But during that difficult time, it was tough to tell
him the truth. I wanted to hold up a mirror
in front of his face and say, you are perfect
the way you really are, but he was so seemingly
committed to this marriage.
Speaker 1 (06:54):
I just couldn't I was going to sell this.
Speaker 3 (06:56):
This was what I was committed to and I don't
quit and I don't lose. So I was I was
going to live this life that wasn't me and I
accepted it. But I was awful, and I think that
it finally took it took her.
Speaker 2 (07:12):
Were you awful or did you feel awful?
Speaker 3 (07:14):
No?
Speaker 1 (07:14):
No, no, I was selfish.
Speaker 3 (07:16):
I'm like I was a bad I was not an
equal contributor in our relationship. I was still like letting
my parents pay for everything on my like I was
not an adult. And I mean I was twenty two
at the time, so like I was also still a child.
Speaker 1 (07:30):
Yeah, and she was twenty.
Speaker 3 (07:32):
Five, but like it was Texas were supposed to have
kids by that point in time.
Speaker 2 (07:35):
And because Michael was so committed to this relationship, or
rather this lie to himself, what comes next is no.
Speaker 1 (07:44):
Surprise when she sat me down and said, we can't
do this. You have to leave.
Speaker 2 (07:51):
Not only was Michael asked to leave, he also makes
a head scratching, perplexing move moved in with.
Speaker 3 (08:00):
Her sister, like I was so close to the family,
Like I slept on her sister's couch like and I
spent the next six months trying to win her back,
and then I realized, like, I'm not going to win
her back.
Speaker 1 (08:10):
And she and I.
Speaker 3 (08:11):
Stayed close, but like she had developed feelings for other people.
I was okay, Like, do you want to get into
red flags?
Speaker 1 (08:16):
Ye?
Speaker 3 (08:16):
Like I couldn't sleep with her unless I was drunk,
Like I, yeah, well, and I didn't understand that, but
like I was able to like numb enough of who
I was to go that direction, and like that's not
her fault. She again was beautiful and amazing and kind,
and there was nothing about this she was. She was
(08:38):
on paper like sexy and perfect, but like it wasn't
what I was attracted to. And I was attracted to men.
And I knew I was attracted to men, but growing
up the way that I did, I truly thought.
Speaker 1 (08:51):
Like everyone felt the way I felt.
Speaker 3 (08:55):
I thought that what I was experiencing was what everyone experienced.
Speaker 4 (09:02):
What was the breaking point? Like why did she say
we can't do this and you had to leave?
Speaker 3 (09:08):
Well after our friend passed away, I think there was
a lot of self evaluation and looking at longevity, and
she realized that again, like on paper we looked perfect,
but in practice we were not a complete couple.
Speaker 2 (09:24):
Life is short and you never know.
Speaker 1 (09:25):
Life is short and you never know.
Speaker 4 (09:27):
Do you think she felt like you were attracted to men?
Did she mention that?
Speaker 1 (09:31):
No, she never mentioned that.
Speaker 3 (09:33):
But I had a really good friend from Southeast Texas,
Logan on name drop nothing Logan's very straight. But like
we were very close, and I believe that she always
thought that something happened, like something was happening there, but
nothing ever did. So I think that those suspicions were
there but that never manifested.
Speaker 2 (09:56):
Was the breakup also a grand gesture type of thing.
Was it like we can't do this knowing you're flair
for the dramatics?
Speaker 1 (10:02):
Or was the day I didn't break up with her?
Speaker 3 (10:03):
I tried to get her back for like four months,
Like I tried because I don't like to lose.
Speaker 2 (10:10):
And then which is still isn't about her, It's.
Speaker 3 (10:12):
Still about me, And so like I picked up all
of my stuff and just moved to New York. I
finished all of my contracts and I just moved here.
Speaker 2 (10:19):
I remember that we were like, he's not going to
make it a week.
Speaker 3 (10:25):
And then I got to New York and I started
working at a gay bar shout out flaming saddles, and
I got drunk one night and went home with one
of the bartenders and then still like was still sleeping
with women and sleeping with men and going through this
huge battle of not being able to figure out like
who I was and hating myself the entire time because
(10:48):
every time I sobered up, I had so much shame
because I hated me. And I think that if you're
thinking about like cheating on someone like I believe that
if I was allowed to love myself and be who
I wanted to be my entire life, that this is
so dumb until I get emotional about but like, I
think that my potential was so high, and it's so again.
(11:10):
I've done so many wonderful things and I'm so happy
and I wouldn't change anything. But if I didn't have
to figure out who I was through getting wasted every
night and doing rails of drugs and like awful, terrible
things with if I didn't have to do that, if
I liked me, and I could have shown up to
New York and just like been able to give my
(11:31):
best I don't know where I would be right now.
I can tell you that I am extremely happy and
I've been sober for six years and thank you. But
it wasn't until I got sober that I realized like
I was still like needing alcohol and drugs to be
sexually explorative and shame.
Speaker 1 (11:51):
There was so much shame.
Speaker 2 (11:52):
I think a lot of it is cultural. A lot
of it is very much cultural of how we grew.
Speaker 3 (11:56):
Up exactly and the lack of information. And my dad
was the kindest, gentlest man, but was very simple and
like he and I didn't have a great relationship. He
told me if I married a man that he wouldn't
come to my wedding. Like fast forward. He died very young.
He died at sixty five from cancer. He didn't take
great care of himself, but like he did meet my
now husband, And what I can say is like, if
(12:20):
you are authentically you, if you don't cheat on yourself
like my I remember, I don't on a date with
somebody else. And my husband walked in the room and
everything stopped.
Speaker 1 (12:33):
I remember what he looked like, and he did not
want to be at the smart house.
Speaker 3 (12:36):
By the way, my now husband at the time, No,
at the time he was not my husband. I was
still sleeping with men and women. I was sleeping with
women up until I met my husband, which is wild.
If you are who you are, you're not going to
cheat on yourself. You're going to give yourself the best
because that's what you deserve at all times. And your
back should be strong, your heart can be open. If
(12:59):
you are authentically you, when things are stabbing you in
the back, you're able to show face and move forward.
Speaker 1 (13:07):
If there's shame, then your back.
Speaker 3 (13:09):
Is weak and you crumble, and every single one of
those knives digs deeper and deeper into you. And when
those knives are self inflicted, they're even worse because you
don't have the hands to get them out if you're
putting them in.
Speaker 1 (13:21):
That's what she said.
Speaker 2 (13:22):
First of all, I want to say you did make
me cry a little bit, But there's something beautiful too
about a strong back and an open heart because I
think I've taken some of your fitness classes. Actually, the
first day I was in New York, you invited me
literally my first day and you invited me to your
fitness class. And I just remember feeling like I have
one person who radiates so much love and is rooting
(13:46):
for me, and it's not like we see each other
all the time. But like, knowing about everything you've come
through means a lot.
Speaker 1 (13:51):
Thank you.
Speaker 3 (13:52):
It's been a journey. And I have the best husband
in the entire world.
Speaker 1 (13:57):
He is so kind and he is and you really
had a fairy tale.
Speaker 2 (14:01):
You've had a fairy tale, you know, wedding with that
your your rings, you're both. I've followed that journey online
and the pictures are on your Instagram so people can
go and see. But you know, I mean, this is
such a beautiful story, the concept of cheating on yourself
and yourself.
Speaker 4 (14:17):
Yet I never thought about that. It's you know, obviously
everyone just thinks about someone doing it today.
Speaker 3 (14:22):
Yeah, thanks for having me Like this is important and
I love humor. It's how I've survived the trauma of
Southeast Texas. It's why I'm the funniest person that you know,
and and people find their reasons to survive. But like,
I love that you have this podcast that is about
these things and gives people an opportunity to tell stories.
Because I'm not like that special, she said, Like, I've
(14:44):
lived a lot of lives. I've trained a lot of celebrities,
I've done a lot of really cool things. In my life,
and I am so incredibly happy and the mistakes I've
made on this path are why I can be so
happy now. So appreciate the lows, because without the lows,
you can raise the highs.
Speaker 2 (15:00):
Yeah, thank you so much, Michael Keaeny, and thank you
to our listeners again.
Speaker 4 (15:05):
I am Kate Robart and I'm Shotty Diaz and
Speaker 2 (15:07):
This was another episode of Cheaters, and I'm Backstabbers
When does the lie become your truth?
Speaker 2 (00:02):
And this episode, our guest tells a lie to himself
that he so desperately wants to be true until finally
he just can't keep it in transparently.
Speaker 3 (00:13):
I do believe that people did not expect that it
would end well, because I do believe that people saw
who I really was and that I was lying enough
to myself and everyone.
Speaker 1 (00:22):
Else to know that.
Speaker 2 (00:30):
Hey everyone, I'm Shoty Diaz and I'm Kate Robart and
this is Cheaters and Backstabbers. We have a very exciting
episode for you today. It's actually our guest today is
Michael Keeney. He is a childhood friend of mine from
rural Texas and we both live in New York City.
Speaker 1 (00:51):
Now yeah but really fast.
Speaker 3 (00:53):
Fun fact, Kate and I used to call ourselves the
Cubic Sirconians of Southeast Texas because we were beautiful but
very cheap.
Speaker 1 (01:03):
And by cheap, it was broke.
Speaker 2 (01:05):
I had a single mom, like she's too hard.
Speaker 1 (01:08):
Yeah, I loved the kids.
Speaker 2 (01:09):
Oh my gosh, we start working and your dad was
the game warden.
Speaker 1 (01:13):
Yeah, if the alligators in your yard, we were the
ones that went and got that.
Speaker 2 (01:16):
Which I did have an alligator in my backyard.
Speaker 1 (01:18):
Yeah, enough about your ex boyfriend.
Speaker 2 (01:23):
Anyway, speaking of ex boyfriends, you are currently happily married,
but we're not going to talk about that. That's not
what this story of cheaters and backstabbers is going to be.
Speaker 1 (01:34):
Silly, he said.
Speaker 3 (01:35):
I grew up in Southeast Texas. It's a small town.
So I grew up. I went to a private Christian school,
and what I can say is Christian ccs the lions,
the trauma, not just any It was like, it's like,
what kind of Christian school is it? Okay, so you're
the Pentecostals who love to speak in the tongues and
(01:56):
loved to just like pass out like so dramatic.
Speaker 1 (01:59):
At that church, there was.
Speaker 3 (02:01):
A traveling show called Acchoire the Fire, which was literally
like they would h They brought actors in and it
would be different scenarios of people going to heaven or
going to Hell, and I being the performer actor that
I was god cast. I know, booked it, booked it.
I had these giant wings, gay giant wings. I booked
(02:22):
this thing, and I remember like I was the person
who had to send people to hell, and one of
them was like this woman Mary, who was like an
incredible woman who had done all of these great things,
and literally like I sent her to hell even though
she was a good person because she didn't believe in Jesus.
Speaker 2 (02:38):
Wow.
Speaker 3 (02:39):
And I mean, but that's when that's what you're taught.
Speaker 1 (02:43):
That's the way that you're taught to think.
Speaker 3 (02:45):
Like being told that homosexuality from a young age is
an abomination and that everyone has temptations and that you
just have to choose not to engage in them was
so interesting because I didn't know I was gay.
Speaker 2 (03:00):
It turns out Michael did not know a lot of things,
and he especially does not know who he really is.
So he goes ahead and does what he thinks is
the right thing to do.
Speaker 1 (03:14):
You get engaged to her.
Speaker 3 (03:15):
I always wanted to be in a relationship, but I
was outraging homosexual, even.
Speaker 1 (03:22):
Not knowing it.
Speaker 3 (03:23):
Like very you had no idea, I had no idea.
You knew me back then, though I was over the top.
I loved theater.
Speaker 2 (03:28):
I knew you did.
Speaker 4 (03:30):
Where did you meet the young lady?
Speaker 1 (03:31):
They so in college?
Speaker 2 (03:32):
Iwa, what were you studying in musical theater?
Speaker 3 (03:36):
The straightest of professions? The pipeline from musical theater into
fitness is dark. So I'm in school. We have every
year we would do competition shows. In college, we would
travel around and she was actually in a competition show.
I was in a competition show, so she saw me
in the show and she actually reached out to me.
(03:57):
And man, I was so desperate to be loved and
to feel validated because I was so afraid that I
was this thing that everyone said I was. And I
finally had someone who was interested in me. And she
looked like a Disney princess, beautiful, gorgeously. I knew that
I could love her, and I did. I loved her
(04:20):
with everything in me that could love a person.
Speaker 1 (04:25):
So how did how?
Speaker 2 (04:26):
What was the engagement like?
Speaker 3 (04:27):
And in those early days, I did these grand gestures.
We were together for two years before we got engaged,
and we got engaged on one of my family vacations
and we had gone.
Speaker 1 (04:37):
To a ross, just the classiest of.
Speaker 3 (04:40):
Things with my entire family, and she was like, give
me the ring and I was like, okay, well, all
one condition. I was like, you're gonna have to wear
this ring forever, and uh, you're gonna have to marry me.
And she was like all right, I was like, no,
I'm serious. If you take this ring, you're gonna have
to marry me. And she goes, I will marry you
with that TACKI Betsy Ross ring. She took it and
the ring fell out and she looked down at it
and she looked up at me, and I like, vividly,
(05:02):
remember this it's a a She goes, is this for real?
Speaker 1 (05:05):
And I picked up the ring and I said, will
you marry me? She said yes?
Speaker 3 (05:12):
And it was this whole like but that was our relationship,
was me showing up with grand gestures and not being
able to be a partner though, Like I could not
be a partner in this wow, and so like I
finished college a semester before her, so she was still
We moved in together in the Woodlands, which is about
forty five minutes north of Houston. I was doing all
these equity contracts. I was doing voiceover scring and so
(05:34):
we were living in the Woodlands and we were planning
our wedding and like, I was awful and selfish and like,
still not a good partner.
Speaker 2 (05:41):
Was it your idea to do the Lazy River?
Speaker 1 (05:44):
No, it's hers.
Speaker 2 (05:45):
You're compromising though, so you did compromise. I want to
make sure you're kind to yourself. Wait, so now the
red flags, the red flags are starting because well the.
Speaker 1 (05:52):
Red flag to probably trace back to the beginning.
Speaker 3 (05:55):
But yeah, it was very easy to not have to
do it. And one of her bridesmaids passed away very dramatically,
and it changed everything, Like life became very real very quickly.
And I remember I was doing a show and I
came home and she sat me down just four months before.
Speaker 2 (06:15):
The wedding, and it's sent aut invitation.
Speaker 1 (06:17):
Yeah, everything was like we were getting married in a.
Speaker 2 (06:19):
Vineyard, like, and everyone was happy for you. You know,
it's like you're checking these boxes off.
Speaker 3 (06:24):
I feel like transparently, I do believe that people did
not expect that it would end well, because I do
believe that people saw who I really was, and that
I was lying enough to myself and everyone else to know.
Speaker 1 (06:36):
That Michael was my good friend and still is.
Speaker 2 (06:40):
But during that difficult time, it was tough to tell
him the truth. I wanted to hold up a mirror
in front of his face and say, you are perfect
the way you really are, but he was so seemingly
committed to this marriage.
Speaker 1 (06:54):
I just couldn't I was going to sell this.
Speaker 3 (06:56):
This was what I was committed to and I don't
quit and I don't lose. So I was I was
going to live this life that wasn't me and I
accepted it. But I was awful, and I think that
it finally took it took her.
Speaker 2 (07:12):
Were you awful or did you feel awful?
Speaker 3 (07:14):
No?
Speaker 1 (07:14):
No, no, I was selfish.
Speaker 3 (07:16):
I'm like I was a bad I was not an
equal contributor in our relationship. I was still like letting
my parents pay for everything on my like I was
not an adult. And I mean I was twenty two
at the time, so like I was also still a child.
Speaker 1 (07:30):
Yeah, and she was twenty.
Speaker 3 (07:32):
Five, but like it was Texas were supposed to have
kids by that point in time.
Speaker 2 (07:35):
And because Michael was so committed to this relationship, or
rather this lie to himself, what comes next is no.
Speaker 1 (07:44):
Surprise when she sat me down and said, we can't
do this. You have to leave.
Speaker 2 (07:51):
Not only was Michael asked to leave, he also makes
a head scratching, perplexing move moved in with.
Speaker 3 (08:00):
Her sister, like I was so close to the family,
Like I slept on her sister's couch like and I
spent the next six months trying to win her back,
and then I realized, like, I'm not going to win
her back.
Speaker 1 (08:10):
And she and I.
Speaker 3 (08:11):
Stayed close, but like she had developed feelings for other people.
I was okay, Like, do you want to get into
red flags?
Speaker 1 (08:16):
Ye?
Speaker 3 (08:16):
Like I couldn't sleep with her unless I was drunk,
Like I, yeah, well, and I didn't understand that, but
like I was able to like numb enough of who
I was to go that direction, and like that's not
her fault. She again was beautiful and amazing and kind,
and there was nothing about this she was. She was
(08:38):
on paper like sexy and perfect, but like it wasn't
what I was attracted to. And I was attracted to men.
And I knew I was attracted to men, but growing
up the way that I did, I truly thought.
Speaker 1 (08:51):
Like everyone felt the way I felt.
Speaker 3 (08:55):
I thought that what I was experiencing was what everyone experienced.
Speaker 4 (09:02):
What was the breaking point? Like why did she say
we can't do this and you had to leave?
Speaker 3 (09:08):
Well after our friend passed away, I think there was
a lot of self evaluation and looking at longevity, and
she realized that again, like on paper we looked perfect,
but in practice we were not a complete couple.
Speaker 2 (09:24):
Life is short and you never know.
Speaker 1 (09:25):
Life is short and you never know.
Speaker 4 (09:27):
Do you think she felt like you were attracted to men?
Did she mention that?
Speaker 1 (09:31):
No, she never mentioned that.
Speaker 3 (09:33):
But I had a really good friend from Southeast Texas,
Logan on name drop nothing Logan's very straight. But like
we were very close, and I believe that she always
thought that something happened, like something was happening there, but
nothing ever did. So I think that those suspicions were
there but that never manifested.
Speaker 2 (09:56):
Was the breakup also a grand gesture type of thing.
Was it like we can't do this knowing you're flair
for the dramatics?
Speaker 1 (10:02):
Or was the day I didn't break up with her?
Speaker 3 (10:03):
I tried to get her back for like four months,
Like I tried because I don't like to lose.
Speaker 2 (10:10):
And then which is still isn't about her, It's.
Speaker 3 (10:12):
Still about me, And so like I picked up all
of my stuff and just moved to New York. I
finished all of my contracts and I just moved here.
Speaker 2 (10:19):
I remember that we were like, he's not going to
make it a week.
Speaker 3 (10:25):
And then I got to New York and I started
working at a gay bar shout out flaming saddles, and
I got drunk one night and went home with one
of the bartenders and then still like was still sleeping
with women and sleeping with men and going through this
huge battle of not being able to figure out like
who I was and hating myself the entire time because
(10:48):
every time I sobered up, I had so much shame
because I hated me. And I think that if you're
thinking about like cheating on someone like I believe that
if I was allowed to love myself and be who
I wanted to be my entire life, that this is
so dumb until I get emotional about but like, I
think that my potential was so high, and it's so again.
(11:10):
I've done so many wonderful things and I'm so happy
and I wouldn't change anything. But if I didn't have
to figure out who I was through getting wasted every
night and doing rails of drugs and like awful, terrible
things with if I didn't have to do that, if
I liked me, and I could have shown up to
New York and just like been able to give my
(11:31):
best I don't know where I would be right now.
I can tell you that I am extremely happy and
I've been sober for six years and thank you. But
it wasn't until I got sober that I realized like
I was still like needing alcohol and drugs to be
sexually explorative and shame.
Speaker 1 (11:51):
There was so much shame.
Speaker 2 (11:52):
I think a lot of it is cultural. A lot
of it is very much cultural of how we grew.
Speaker 3 (11:56):
Up exactly and the lack of information. And my dad
was the kindest, gentlest man, but was very simple and
like he and I didn't have a great relationship. He
told me if I married a man that he wouldn't
come to my wedding. Like fast forward. He died very young.
He died at sixty five from cancer. He didn't take
great care of himself, but like he did meet my
now husband, And what I can say is like, if
(12:20):
you are authentically you, if you don't cheat on yourself
like my I remember, I don't on a date with
somebody else. And my husband walked in the room and
everything stopped.
Speaker 1 (12:33):
I remember what he looked like, and he did not
want to be at the smart house.
Speaker 3 (12:36):
By the way, my now husband at the time, No,
at the time he was not my husband. I was
still sleeping with men and women. I was sleeping with
women up until I met my husband, which is wild.
If you are who you are, you're not going to
cheat on yourself. You're going to give yourself the best
because that's what you deserve at all times. And your
back should be strong, your heart can be open. If
(12:59):
you are authentically you, when things are stabbing you in
the back, you're able to show face and move forward.
Speaker 1 (13:07):
If there's shame, then your back.
Speaker 3 (13:09):
Is weak and you crumble, and every single one of
those knives digs deeper and deeper into you. And when
those knives are self inflicted, they're even worse because you
don't have the hands to get them out if you're
putting them in.
Speaker 1 (13:21):
That's what she said.
Speaker 2 (13:22):
First of all, I want to say you did make
me cry a little bit, But there's something beautiful too
about a strong back and an open heart because I
think I've taken some of your fitness classes. Actually, the
first day I was in New York, you invited me
literally my first day and you invited me to your
fitness class. And I just remember feeling like I have
one person who radiates so much love and is rooting
(13:46):
for me, and it's not like we see each other
all the time. But like, knowing about everything you've come
through means a lot.
Speaker 1 (13:51):
Thank you.
Speaker 3 (13:52):
It's been a journey. And I have the best husband
in the entire world.
Speaker 1 (13:57):
He is so kind and he is and you really
had a fairy tale.
Speaker 2 (14:01):
You've had a fairy tale, you know, wedding with that
your your rings, you're both. I've followed that journey online
and the pictures are on your Instagram so people can
go and see. But you know, I mean, this is
such a beautiful story, the concept of cheating on yourself
and yourself.
Speaker 4 (14:17):
Yet I never thought about that. It's you know, obviously
everyone just thinks about someone doing it today.
Speaker 3 (14:22):
Yeah, thanks for having me Like this is important and
I love humor. It's how I've survived the trauma of
Southeast Texas. It's why I'm the funniest person that you know,
and and people find their reasons to survive. But like,
I love that you have this podcast that is about
these things and gives people an opportunity to tell stories.
Because I'm not like that special, she said, Like, I've
(14:44):
lived a lot of lives. I've trained a lot of celebrities,
I've done a lot of really cool things. In my life,
and I am so incredibly happy and the mistakes I've
made on this path are why I can be so
happy now. So appreciate the lows, because without the lows,
you can raise the highs.
Speaker 2 (15:00):
Yeah, thank you so much, Michael Keaeny, and thank you
to our listeners again.
Speaker 4 (15:05):
I am Kate Robart and I'm Shotty Diaz and
Speaker 2 (15:07):
This was another episode of Cheaters, and I'm Backstabbers
Hosts And Creators
Shari Diaz
Kate Robards
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