December 12, 2024 • 44 mins
Previously Recorded
In this throwback episode, Michelle and Dr. Dharius Daniels do a complete breakdown of the nature of relationships and the importance of reciprocity. Dr. Daniels also debunks the myth that the pandemic ruins relationships. If you’re looking for balance in a friendship, a business partnership or a romantic relationship, you’ll definitely want to CHECK IN to this episode!
For more information about Dr. Dharius Daniels, visit https://dhariusdaniels.com/
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to Checking In with Michelle Williams, a production of
iHeartRadio and The Black Effect. Hey everyone, it's Michelle Williams.
(00:21):
Have you ever been in a toxic friendship or relationship
or a work relationship that leaves you drained? Well, guess what,
you don't have to throw that relationship away. I've got
an amazing guest who will share some great insight into
something I know we can all relate to, and it's
coming up right now on Checking In with Michelle Williams.
(00:59):
Today theme of Checking In is about relationships. I've had
to do some assessing of myself, my behaviors as it
comes to relationships. I've also had to be more intentional
about preserving relationships, more intentional about even putting myself out
(01:20):
there to connect with people. Because if you are like me,
you like to stay in the house, You like to
be a homebody. You just like to connect with your
favorite TV show or your favorite podcast. You don't want
to be bothered with anybody. And some of you, you
probably are like that, because maybe you've experienced some betrayal,
(01:41):
or maybe you feel like everybody that you come in
contact with or are in relationship, maybe you feel like
they're always trying to compete with you, or maybe you
feel like in relationships maybe they're not reciprocated, so you
feel like it's just best for you to just be
to yourself. But I want to encourage you, and I
want to let you know that we are meant to connect.
(02:06):
We are meant to connect with other humans. Now it
is up to us to continue. What we'll learn today
is that we have to discern people in our lives
and where to place them. I'm also learning to treat
people in relationships the way I would want to be treated.
But I also have to know that I can't expect
(02:27):
everybody to be like me. As the saying says, you
can't expect you from somebody else. So sometimes even going
into relationships, I'm learning that I am taking a risk,
and not just in romantic relationships. I am taking a
risk to possibly be hurt. I'm taking a risk to
(02:49):
possibly be betrayed or lied on or compete. But that's
where I say you have to assess the people that
you are in relationship with. You know, maybe they're not
so much on the front seat of your life. Maybe
they're just kind of in the middle balcony and then
some people are in the nosebleed seats, and then some
people they just outside of the arena looking in. But
there is a way to handle people, because it's the
(03:12):
law of reciprocity or sowing and reaping. You will reap
everything that you saw. You might not reap it ten
minutes from now, you might not reap it ten months
from now. But just know whatever sees you so relationally,
you will get it back. So just continue to listen
in for the rest of this podcast. I am absolutely
(03:35):
excited to introduce this phenomenal person, this next guest of mine,
doctor Darius Daniels. I'm gonna read off everything that I
know about him. He is founder and pastor of Change Church,
multiple locations. I love that he is a certified coach
(03:58):
and I feel his teachings, everything that he shares is
so versatile. He can go from the church to the
corporate boardroom. A Bachelor of Political Science from Millsaps College
in Jackson, Mississippi, a Masters of Divinity from Princeton, and
he got his doctorates from Fuller University. Also author of
(04:21):
an amazing book that has been changing me, relational Intelligence.
This is his newest book titled Relational Intelligence. Everybody, I
want you to welcome my brother, my friend, doctor Darius Daniels.
Doctor Daniels, thank you so much for joining me.
Speaker 2 (04:39):
Thank you for having me. Michelle, I'm excited to be here.
I don't know, I think I owe you some money
for that introduction.
Speaker 1 (04:45):
Well, first of all, we can be very humble in
accomplishments and things on your resume, but every now and
then it is good to know your accomplishments and everything
that you have come through. You know everything that you are,
and it's good to let somebody else talk about.
Speaker 3 (05:00):
You all the dime.
Speaker 4 (05:01):
I just feel like I wrote a bunch of papers.
But I'm glad to be on the podcast with you.
Speaker 2 (05:07):
Though. This is exciting, This is epic.
Speaker 1 (05:10):
Listen, it truly truly is. And I'm gonna speak what
I'm supposed to say at the end, and that is
I know you're gonna come back because we got a
lot to unpack everything regarding your book. Relational Intelligence can
probably take up twenty five episodes, and we only have
a few moments with us right now, but we can
(05:31):
go on and on. I'm grateful for my relationship with
you and Shamika and how we get to talk about things.
We unloaded some things the other day and I was like, man,
I wish we had audio on record, because this is
some great stuff. And I think as far as your book,
Relational Intelligence, I think people think, you know, when we
(05:54):
talk about relationships, we automatically assume romantic relationships and personal relationsistionships.
But you go on to teach us about how to
be in business relationships and just relational just relationships period
with friends, and your book definitely taught me. Okay, I
got to do better in this area because you can
be so great in your career, but you can suck
(06:15):
at being a friend. You could suck at how you
do business. So that's what we are going to dive
in today, Relational Intelligence. Please tell us the inspiration of
you writing this book, all.
Speaker 4 (06:27):
Right, So I would say this, The inspiration is kind
of twofold. So one is experiences that I had in
my personal life. Two is observations I was making in
my professional life. And this is what I saw personally
and professionally. People's greatest joy and greatest pain was coming
from the same place, and that's their relationships. One hundred percent.
(06:49):
I saw this greatest joy, greatest pain was coming from relationships. Now,
I experienced some of this in my own life, and
then I just saw it with the people I was
leading and serving that no matter what accomplishments they achieved,
no matter what possessions they acquire, at some point that
new thing got old, that extraordinary thing got familiar.
Speaker 2 (07:10):
But what really provided like long lasting joy.
Speaker 4 (07:14):
And fulfillment when it came to people's lives and even
in my life personally, was this area of relationships. And
so I just kind of felt like in my experience
and what I observed an experience of others, many people
kind of managed relationships emotionally. And I'm not saying that
we shouldn't be engaged emotionally in relationships. We should, but
(07:36):
in the car relationships, my point is this, put the
emotions in the car, just don't let them drive the
small point. So that's what really kind of birthed the book. Man,
It's just been something that's helped me and we just
we're grateful that it's helping a lot of other people too.
Speaker 1 (07:55):
You talk about how your greatest gives walk into your
life on two legs, and that's just kind of I
guess piggybacking off of what you were talking about. Your
greatest joys and some of your greatest pains come from relationships.
And I want to dive into when you're talking about
how we can let our emotions drive you say intellectual
capacity plus emotional capacity equal relational intelligence. So as far
(08:20):
as the emotions, I think that's I think a lot
of relationships can be saved and or repaired if we
can get our emotions in order. What's the number one
thing emotionally that you think happens that can destroy a relationship?
Speaker 4 (08:35):
Oh, one percent is one thing that well, I'm gonna
say one hundred percent in terms of every case, but
in my mind, one hundred percent that's percent. Something that
sticks out above the rest is this is trauma. And
when I say trauma, I don't mean just extreme cases
of abuse or exploitation anything like that. But this is
what I say. Bad experiences that people have in relationships
(08:57):
in the past sabotage general relationships in the present. It's
like somebody else did the crime, but you make people
in your life currently due to time. You know, I
don't think people are evil when that happens, you know,
I just think they're human.
Speaker 2 (09:14):
And we haven't necessarily been given.
Speaker 3 (09:17):
The tools on how to respond in a healthy way
to betrayal. How do I respond when I've been used?
How do I respond when I've been exploited? How do
I respond when I've been taken for granted? Because you
don't want to mismanage the people that are coming into
your life to be a blessing, yes, because of your
(09:39):
experience with people in the past that have been a burden.
Speaker 1 (09:43):
And you you also say that perfect relationships do not exist.
Speaker 2 (09:48):
No, absolutely not.
Speaker 4 (09:51):
Now, this book is not necessarily about romantic relationships, but
we can apply it to romantic relationships in the sense
that in the initial stages of like a romantic relationship,
it's like, oh my god, this person is perfect. That
infatuation stage, you just intoxicated emotionally.
Speaker 2 (10:07):
They can't do anything wrong.
Speaker 1 (10:09):
Yes, Yes, all of.
Speaker 4 (10:10):
A sudden, your eyes started opening, you start seeing issues
and tendencies.
Speaker 2 (10:15):
You're like, wait a minute, this person changed them.
Speaker 4 (10:18):
It's like, nah, they didn't change, just another part of
them that had been exposed got revealed. Everybody's imperfect. You know,
relationships don't break themselves. There's no such thing as a
broken relationship. We break relationships because we're broken people.
Speaker 1 (10:33):
Mm hm.
Speaker 4 (10:35):
And so there's a difference between an imperfect relationship and
an unhealthy one.
Speaker 2 (10:39):
So I don't want people to confuse what I'm saying there.
Speaker 4 (10:41):
There's no such thing as a perfect relationship, So just
because it's imperfect doesn't mean you should abandon it.
Speaker 2 (10:46):
Like, I believe, all people are equally valuable.
Speaker 4 (10:49):
So whether you off the street or on Wall Street,
nobody's more valuable than another person. But here it is, Michelle,
Here it is a lot of people have trouble wrap
their head around this, though.
Speaker 1 (10:58):
Help us wrap, help us rapid.
Speaker 4 (11:00):
Everybody doesn't add equal value to you, Like everybody's equally valuable,
but everybody doesn't add equal value to you.
Speaker 1 (11:08):
Okay, y'all write that down.
Speaker 4 (11:11):
Yeah, So the point that I'm making is somebody can
be imperfect and invaluable at the same time. So it's like,
it's like my wife, Man, I noticed I was a kid,
so I met nineteen twenty years old.
Speaker 2 (11:25):
Here's my point.
Speaker 4 (11:26):
Though, I realize that if God forbid something that would
have happened to her and we are together, I can't
replace that in twenty four hours.
Speaker 2 (11:33):
No, I can't. I can't. I can find somebody to day.
Speaker 4 (11:36):
You know, I can find somebody pretty, but everything she
brings I can't replace that. So although everybody's equally valuable,
everybody doesn't add equal value to me. So just because
something is imperfect doesn't mean it is invaluable. And when
it's invaluable, man, you can't just abandon it. You got
to learn how to manage it and navigate it, fix it,
(11:57):
restore it. But again, I want to emphasize because I
know people saying what you're saying if I'm in a
crazy No, I'm not saying that there's a difference between
it being imperfect and unhealthy. But just because it's imperfect,
that means it is not a unique value. And some
people are just hard to replace.
Speaker 1 (12:14):
Come on, some people are just hard to replace. And
i'd like to think that I'm one of those people
absolutely hard to replace. You know what I'm saying. It's
something that you were saying about I cannot replace you,
or how I feel like I'm irreplaceable. But there's a
(12:35):
portion of your book where you talk about elimination and
that there is a proper way, and y'all have to
buy the book. Can I read something that you said
about elimination sure, you say, a criteria for elimination is
simple when maintaining the relationship in any form or category
is no longer in the best interests of the person involved.
(12:59):
It's kind of product, it's emotionally toxic. So there are
times where you can eliminate a relationship. It's just in
the how. And while I'm on that, we're talking about elimination.
What is your thought on boundary setting versus ghosting?
Speaker 4 (13:19):
All right, so this might be a little complex. I
don't know, it might even be a little controversial, Michelle.
I got admit this because I talk about this in
the book, and so I don't if I don't own this,
I'm being a hypocrite, all right, Yes, So in the book,
I say there are times where you can make adjustments
without making announcements. Like every adjustment doesn't have to have
an announcement. There's sometimes when it's like, yeah, you see something,
(13:42):
you see some fruit of somebody's character, you see some tendencies,
and you're not judging it, but you're just observing so
that you know how to manage that person in your life. Right,
I'm not making a judgment on this. But let's say
if somebody's gossiping. That just got a tendency to gospel
it like, I'm on with this person, they're talking about
somebody else, sir. Well, if you see that, it's possible
for you to adjust what you tell them without.
Speaker 2 (14:04):
Announcing that to them. Right, you don't have to say, Yo,
let's go to lunch.
Speaker 4 (14:08):
I think you gossip about everybody all the time, so
I'm not going to tell you nothing. Well, yeah, I'm
not saying it's wrong to do that, especially if y'all
got that kind of relational equity where that person receives
that from you. But the point that I'm making is
that's completely different than ghosting. The elimination part of the
book is really about, YO, when do you get to
the place when you get to the place where you
(14:29):
recognize this is no longer healthy for me? Right, this
relationship is not healthy for me mentally, it's not healthy
for me emotionally, it's not healthy for me spiritually, it's
not healthy for me professionally. Then at that point you
got to prioritize the stewardship of your own soul over
(14:50):
that specific relationship. And that's not being selfish, that's being
a good steward And when that happens. I feel like,
at least this is me living by the gold and
rule is just kind of like human decency, and so
that's why I'm going to be like, yeah, if you can,
it's important to have a conversation, yes, instead instead of ghosting,
(15:11):
especially if you're talking about somebody you've been in relationship with, friend, associate,
like whatever category they're in. I just feel like you
want to manage that exit the way you would want
somebody to manage if they were making an exit like
that with you. I don't know about the ghosting part.
Speaker 1 (15:26):
I definitely agree with literally a situation today where I
feel like someone definitely crossed the line and they sent
a real, you know, nice message and I was like, oh, okay,
I gotta respond because I don't like the feeling when
it has been done to me. Right, But I'm in
(15:49):
the place even personally where I'm like, Okay, well, how
do I manage and respect and do what I feel
is best for me and respect me versus pleasing them
and their feelings. Because people can do things that are
so out of pocket that I do feel like you
can definitely take a step back and take some space.
(16:09):
It's not that I'm goals to you. I just need
to take some space, and I'm repositioning you. You no
longer are in the front seat of my life. I
don't put you in the nosebleeds. What would you say
to two people that are working in the confines of
a business. Yeah, and they have the potential for the
(16:31):
business too. They can do some damage. Yeah, you know,
business wise, what is some advice to somebody in that situation?
Speaker 4 (16:41):
You know, I think that's one of the most important relationships.
You know, That's that's what I would call an associate. Now,
I'm not saying business partners can't be friends, but I
do think that there are times when people confuse the
friendly nature of.
Speaker 2 (16:53):
The relationship with a yeah, you know what I mean.
Speaker 4 (16:56):
And so for me, I make the distinction between like
a friend and associate, and associate to me with following
a business partner or co worker team member category. And
it's this, if I wasn't as good as I am
with what I do, would we still have relationship? If
I remove my gift from the equation and it's just
me and you, will we still have relationship?
Speaker 2 (17:17):
Right? I don't think that's being cynical.
Speaker 4 (17:19):
I think that's being honest, and it keeps you from
setting yourself up for unnecessary frustration or hurt and pain
down the line because you are confusing someone who's an
associate with a friend. So it doesn't mean a relationship
can't be friendly, but it does mean that you recognize
(17:39):
this relationship exists because of what I do, not just
who I am, where friendship has a completely different set
of criteria. So I feel like, no matter what, when
it comes to the business relationship, whether it is friends
or whether it is associates, you want to respect the
personal relationship. You want to love the personal relationship enough
(18:00):
to get the business right. So this is where I
feel like people kind of get wires cross when it
comes to business relationship. They feel like, because we have
a personal relationship, you should kind of be more laxed,
less excellent and give me more room for failure and
sloppiness because we're friends, yes, or because there's a friendly
aspect of our relationship. What I would say is no,
(18:23):
because there's a friendly aspect of our relationship, I want
to make sure the sloppy business doesn't get in the
way of the friendship or get in the way of
this relationship. So let's make sure we manage the business
properly so that we can be productive on the business side.
But that productivity on the business side protects the personal
(18:45):
aspect of the relationship.
Speaker 2 (18:47):
It's easy for us.
Speaker 4 (18:47):
To be friends when to be friendly, when things are
going well, it's progressing, there's not a lot of stress
and strain and struggle. So I really feel like managing
those business partnerships and and those relationships with that in
mind is incredibly important. And I've seen people be destroyed
and crushed when they finally get the revelation that what
(19:09):
I thought was a friendship is actually just a partnership.
So I think it's important to go into that man
eyes wide open.
Speaker 1 (19:16):
I've seen so many people use the word oh, that's
my friend, that's my friend, that's my friend, that's my friend.
And I do feel like I feel sorry for people
who are in a position where those lines do get blurred,
where you even talk about assignments. Yeah, like you have
to know I'm not your you're not friends, I am
(19:37):
assigned to you, and those lines get so blurred and
so cross, And I've seen people's feelings hurt.
Speaker 2 (19:49):
You better believe it.
Speaker 1 (19:50):
Feeling so hurt that word friend. We use that word
very very loosely, and you talk about it's got to
be reciprocated in some fruit here for me to call
you a friend.
Speaker 4 (20:00):
Yeah, definitely. But you know that's that's the whole concept
of out relational intelligence. It's not about being smug or
cynical or harsh or whatever, but it's just about being
wise in the area of our relationships, just being intentional.
And so for me, that's about this whole thing of
like defining and aligning your relationships. I don't want to
call you something that you aren't because if I call
(20:25):
you that, I'm going to expect you to be that
for me, because I'm.
Speaker 2 (20:28):
Gonna be that for you.
Speaker 4 (20:31):
That makes sense and so and so what happens is
when you're using the word so friendship. One of the
ways friendship is seen or exposed is by reciprocity. It
doesn't mean that you do the same thing for me
that I do for you, but it does mean there's
reciprocity in the relationship in the sense that we both
(20:51):
add value to each other's lives.
Speaker 2 (20:54):
In some kind of way.
Speaker 4 (20:56):
And it doesn't even mean we add value to each
other's lives on the same level. But it does mean Yo,
there's reciprocity in this relationship, absolutely, but when there is not,
some people end up frustrated, mad, hurt, and upset and
it's like, No, you were calling that person a friend,
(21:16):
but they were just kind of an associate, Or you
were calling them a friend, but that was kind of
an assignment. That's somebody you were mentoring, helping, and when
you go into it, when you go into a relationship
and manage a relationship with those expectations, it reduces the
likelihood you're going to be frustrated.
Speaker 2 (21:33):
You know what I mean?
Speaker 4 (21:34):
Absolutely, I'm giving more in this relationship than what I'm
going to get, and I'm okay with that because you're
a mentee. I feel like that's what's really Keep going
in with eyes wide open so that you know where
to make investments and where you can have realistic expectations.
Speaker 1 (21:50):
Mike drop Doctor Darius. He's known to drop many bars,
not only in relational intelligence, but y'all got to listen
to some of his sermons. I'd be like, Yo, he
should be a ghostwriter for some of these rappers out here,
because he just dropped something.
Speaker 4 (22:09):
Oh, I grew up in a different, different era. These
guys would not want me to write for them. Well,
I don't think the guy's in my era.
Speaker 1 (22:18):
I don't know. I got some folks in mind who
are great and what they do. But I'm like, yo,
if you take what doctor Darius just said and then
you put your swag on in your wrap style, you
would absolutely be dope. But AnyWho, that's a whole other podcast.
We were talking about where to put people in their
(22:39):
relationships and if they're an assignment an associate. You also
talk about if they are an advisor. But I want
to talk about you. In the beginning of the book,
you talk about how we are made for connection, we
are made for relationships, and you ask the question, are
your relationships holding you back or propelling you forward in
(23:01):
your purpose? So are you saying that the relationships in
your life they have to be aligned with where you're going.
Speaker 2 (23:10):
I'm saying two things.
Speaker 1 (23:11):
I'm okay with that, too, bad way, I agree with that.
Speaker 2 (23:13):
Yeah, yeah, I'm saying two things.
Speaker 4 (23:14):
All right. So the first thing I'm saying is there's
no such thing as neutral relationships. So that's a myth,
like you're either going forward or backwards. Now, sometimes the
movement is incremental, so you don't feel it, you know
what I mean.
Speaker 2 (23:26):
So it's like somebody could be taking you back and you.
Speaker 4 (23:28):
Don't even know they're taking you back because they're not
taking you back fast.
Speaker 2 (23:32):
It's just incremental.
Speaker 4 (23:33):
Then all of a sudden, you kind of come to
yourself one day and you like, I ain't really happy
when I.
Speaker 2 (23:38):
Talk to her. You know, it just hits you one time.
You're like, yo, every time I get off the phone
with them, or am I.
Speaker 4 (23:44):
Just I feel less optimistic, I feel low, I feel blow,
But you don't always notice that immediately, you know what
I'm saying.
Speaker 2 (23:53):
So, like, I'm not saying.
Speaker 4 (23:54):
That every relationship that is taking you backwards is going
to destroy your life. I'm just saying it might destroy
your peace, it might destroy your focus, it might destroy
your productivity over a period of time.
Speaker 2 (24:05):
So that's the first thing I'm saying. It's no such
thing as neutral relationships.
Speaker 4 (24:08):
Okay, since there's no such thing as neutral relationships, you're
helping me go forward, are you pulling me back? You
add value to my life or you're taking value from me.
You're making deposits or withdrawals. You're bringing me joy, your pain. Right,
you're helping me get the destiny or your distraction. It's
no neutral relationships. If that's the case, you want to
make sure. I'm not talking about using people, but you
(24:29):
do want to make sure that your relationships are aligned
with where you think you're going, because if not, that
relationship is not an asset, it's a liability. And when
I say that, I'm not just talking work, I'm not
just talking job. Like where do you want to go mentally?
Like what kind of head space do you want to
live in? So there was this group of psychologists that
(24:52):
did this focused group it's pretty diverse focus group of
people here in America, right to come up with one
word that would describe the email emotional state of most
people in America. And then like the word that they
came out with was this word languishing.
Speaker 2 (25:06):
Like so, no matter how many bags.
Speaker 4 (25:09):
Or cars, or how much money's in the bank, how
much people are progressing professionally, the average person isn't thriving.
Speaker 2 (25:18):
They're like languishing. They're just going alone to get along.
Speaker 4 (25:21):
So if you want to get out of that mentally
and you want to move forward in your mind, you've
got to be strategic. Now, I'm not saying that stuck out,
but I'm saying you got to be strategic and you
got to have a standard when it comes to your
relational life, because if not, you're going to get in
the car with people who are going.
Speaker 2 (25:40):
In the wrong direction.
Speaker 1 (25:41):
Direction.
Speaker 2 (25:42):
You'll be mad when you get that.
Speaker 1 (25:44):
Yes, and then you did the same wrong place, wrong time.
You should have known who you was getting in the
car with. You got to know who you are getting
into relationship with. I'm gonna admit when I first started
reading Relational Intelligence, I had to put it down for
a minute. And I'm gonna tell you why, because sometimes
you could pick up this book thinking about what you're
(26:05):
gonna see in another person. Okay, No, it was for me,
and also how I have been in relationships. I hope
I'm articulating it correctly by how we can read something
and we can be like, hm, so and so need
to read this, because if they read this, we would
have these problems. Oh no, Even in this book you
(26:27):
have personal assessments. Even the first question, in what ways
do I demonstrate unshakable character?
Speaker 2 (26:34):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (26:34):
Not in what ways does he or she like? I said,
because if he wouldn't have done this if she no, no, no, no.
What are you doing? Are you trustworthy? Are you dependable?
Are you a safe person to be in relationship? Even
business wise? How are you taking care of business while
you're at work? Can people depend on you? It's not
(26:55):
always about somebody else?
Speaker 2 (26:57):
Yeah, here is Michelle, here's a question. The question is this.
Speaker 4 (27:01):
It's one I want to ask myself with my friends,
with people I lead and serve, etc. Are you the
person that the person you looking for is looking for?
Are you the person that the person you looking for
is looking for? Like you looking for a certain type
of person with that certain type of persons looking for
a certain type of person. Are you the person that
(27:22):
the person you're looking for is looking for? I think
that's important. So for me, it's almost like, Yo, would
God really be good to send that person to you?
Like would you be as big a blessing to them
as they are to you? Especially if we're talking about
the friendship category. I'm not talking about other categories where
people are just they come into your life and they
help you, and they open doors for you, they mentor you,
(27:43):
they coach you. There's not going to be a lot
of reciprocity there. But when we're talking about that friendship category.
I think that's a completely different conversation because I believe
Michelle straight up and I'm not keep going back to
friendship is because I believe that's the most important category
in the book because you're going to be more transparent
with your friends than you are with your mentor is
it going to take you a while to really keep
it one hundred with your mentor. I noticed I'm a
(28:04):
spiritual leader, so I recognize it's like, yo, most of
the time, I'm gonna get a I'm gonna get a
representation of who somebody really is to the bottom fall out. Now,
when the bottom fall out, then all the rest. But
you know what, they friends know the real deal. So
being strategic about that friendship category is really important because
those are the people that are probably going to be
(28:24):
advising you the most, speaking into your life the most,
and they got the potential to help you the most,
and vice versa, vice versa.
Speaker 1 (28:31):
Absolutely, I absolutely agree with that. This book has just
been so profound, making me asking myself, how do I
know that I'm the good friend, that I'm the type
of person that someone wants to be a friend with,
that I'm the type of person that I'm looking for.
You have to be what's on that list too.
Speaker 2 (28:52):
Sorry, that conversation definitely a different podcast.
Speaker 1 (28:58):
Definitely a different podcast conversation. It was a dating conversation.
But I'm sorry. I have had someone, I mean a
dear best friend of mine and I'm and I've been assessing, Okay,
I can do this, I can be more attentive, I
can do this, I can show up more. I can
because sometimes people would feel like they show up for you,
but you don't show up for them, you know. Right now,
(29:20):
it's been a little difficult because of the pandemic, so
we've had to go above and beyond. Maybe your facetimingmore.
Maybe you're just kind of checking in, saying, hey, just
checking on you and the family. How are y'all doing,
Probably more so than we would have outside of a pandemic.
And speaking of why do you think some relationships are
thriving in this pandemic and why others are crumbling?
Speaker 2 (29:43):
That's a great question.
Speaker 1 (29:45):
Yea, it's the good question, y'all, doctor said, I asked
a good question. I'm excited about that.
Speaker 2 (29:50):
Questions are always great. I mean, you're a great interviewer. Hey,
take heart, here's my thoughts.
Speaker 1 (30:00):
Then I'm a good interviewer.
Speaker 2 (30:01):
Great conversational this, So here's my thoughts. All right. Obviously
there's no one reason, one size that fits all. But
generally speaking, here of this, the pandemic.
Speaker 4 (30:11):
Does not break relationships. It exposes them.
Speaker 2 (30:14):
That's all of it. Is It exposed fragile. Sometimes stuff
is fragile.
Speaker 4 (30:19):
You just don't know until you put pressure on it, right,
Like it could be a it could be a chair
sitting in your house and that chair is on you know,
one leg is on life support of that chair, and
you don't know it till you put some pressure on it.
Speaker 2 (30:29):
And I think that's all the pandemic was.
Speaker 4 (30:31):
When it came to some relationships, it's like, you know,
even romantically, it's like people, oh, we like each other,
but we don't like each other that much to be
around each other this much.
Speaker 1 (30:41):
So now you want doctor You want someone like doctor
Darius in your life, by the way, because he tells
it like it is like some of y'all need to
just tell somebody I don't like you as much.
Speaker 4 (30:51):
Yeah, yeah, And so I think I think the pandemic exposed,
it exposes relationships.
Speaker 2 (30:56):
Watch this, but it Also it exposes people.
Speaker 4 (30:59):
Man, it exposes how do you manage other people you
in relationship with when you're under stress? How do you
treat people when you under pressure? You know, do other
people have to be the casualty? Are they the casualty
of your strain and your uncertainty and the pressure that
you're living under. So I feel like those that kind
of thrive were those that like put the roof on
(31:22):
the house before it started raining. It was like it
was who actually kind of did the work before the pandemic,
you know what I mean? When the relationship got tested,
what they had built was built right, and so it
was able to withstand it, and other relationships it may
not have been built the best and it wasn't able
(31:43):
to withstand it. The question is for those people that
feel like, man, this thing kind of messed up my
relationship is whether or not you feel like, am I
supposed to rebuild this? Or you know, do I realize
I can't build something better and stronger with these materials?
Speaker 2 (31:59):
Because that that's true.
Speaker 4 (32:00):
Man, Like both people, friends, associates, advisors, assignments, all of that,
both parties have to be willing to put in the work.
So sometimes you just got to be honest about that
and say this person is not willing to put in
the work or right now, I don't want to put
in the work for this person, right or wrong. You
got to be willing to live with those consequences. You
(32:21):
got to be honest about that.
Speaker 1 (32:23):
You said something living with the consequences. I don't think
a lot of us like to do that, want to
do that.
Speaker 2 (32:30):
I know men don't know.
Speaker 4 (32:32):
I know men don't when it comes to relationships, because
guys will I'm gonna tell you.
Speaker 1 (32:37):
I'm gonna tell us we want to know GUIDs.
Speaker 4 (32:39):
What I think some of the best advice you could
get about guys is gonna come from counselors, barbers, coaches,
the spiritual leaders, guys who deal with a bunch of
people so they can give you a perspective that's not
just their opinion based on their experience with a bunch
of people. And what one guy frame it this way?
(33:01):
You know what did it say? Like you don't mischell
water to your well well run. That's why a lot
of sisters get like these random texts out of nowhere
from guys. It's like y'all ain't talked to two years
and now all of a sudden, you get a text
and it's like what's up.
Speaker 1 (33:16):
You know, you're like, yo, what what's up?
Speaker 2 (33:19):
Come from?
Speaker 4 (33:20):
But a lot of times men have to not have
to But a lot of times men learn through experience
that I had something that was invaluable, I didn't know
it and I didn't value it properly until I lost it.
Speaker 1 (33:35):
Five men could text me that right now and now
Maude be all their girlfriends at the same time.
Speaker 2 (33:40):
So I think that's that's one of the things that happened.
Speaker 4 (33:43):
So again, I'm not making excuses for that, but I
have found that to be the experience. I can't tell
you how many guys it said to me every agent
stage of life, like ah, man, I let this and
get away, I let that one get I didn't know
what I had when I had that. You know, I
definitely think that's the case with men. I'm not saying
that's the case with women. But because I am a
man and because are really leaning a lot in terms
of mentoring and coaching man, I can say that I've
(34:04):
experienced that a lot.
Speaker 1 (34:05):
At least you went there, not me. Because I know
this book isn't just specifically for romantic relationships. But since
you went there, you probably just actually told the dude
what to say. I don't know if you know you
did that. You said you are invaluable. I messed up
what he just made it so easy. I hope you
(34:25):
guys rewind this and write down what he said verbatim,
cause you might get her back if she's not taken,
or if it's a possibility, he gave you something to
say to get her back. As far as what single
people are going through right now in this pandemic, like
(34:47):
you said, some relationships are thriving, some relationships are just
absolutely crushed. Generally speaking, what should a single person be
doing right now during this pandemic regarding relationships?
Speaker 2 (35:01):
This is gonna sound so cliche, but it's true. It
is true. Facts.
Speaker 1 (35:07):
Come on, tell us.
Speaker 4 (35:08):
Your own personal development should probably be your number one
priority right now now.
Speaker 2 (35:14):
This is what I mean when.
Speaker 4 (35:15):
I say that, And some people disagree with it, especially
some people in spiritual space. But I mean, I'm not
gonna go all into that, but there are reasons that
I kind of lean this way, and that's this. One
of the most important things you can do as a
single person is make sure you don't have anything, or
you minimize I'm not saying anything. You minimize the unhealthy
impulses that have been driving your bad picks.
Speaker 1 (35:38):
The impulses that have been dry.
Speaker 2 (35:42):
Or bad picks.
Speaker 4 (35:43):
So like if you it's hard to have a good
relationship with a bad pick. And I don't think compatibility
is a myth. Compatibility is real in the spiritual space,
it's real in the nonspiritual space.
Speaker 2 (35:54):
It's real.
Speaker 4 (35:54):
So for me, I think if somebody is honest enough
to like just kind of look back at some of
the bar picks, you just gotta be like, yo, I'm
too smart to be picking like that. So it must
be something else besides my brain that's influencing these.
Speaker 2 (36:11):
Picks that I'm making.
Speaker 4 (36:12):
So during this time of quarantine, let me try to
figure out what is it that's driving me to make
some of these picks, so I can deal with that
so that next time I'm not even gonna say you're
gonna pick differently. You can at least pick better. And
I feel like that's what's really important.
Speaker 1 (36:29):
Man, Well should we pick different or better?
Speaker 2 (36:31):
You know?
Speaker 4 (36:31):
I do feel like that there are times like some
people always think that better is different, and I'm not sure,
that's the case. Sometimes there is a type of person
that you prefer, So let's just deal with like assertive,
accomplish women who are leading in the marketplace.
Speaker 2 (36:47):
Let's deal with that. So there's this myth that this
cultural myth.
Speaker 4 (36:50):
I think it's a misnomer, but this is this myth
that like, yo, those women aren't good in relationships, they're
condescending there, whatever, whatever. And there might be a man
who had a bad experience with dating that type of woman.
Well that doesn't mean that there isn't a type of
a woman like that out there that may be more
aligned with what he wants. So I'm not saying he
(37:12):
should always abandon that type of woman or vice versa,
that she was on the other foot with women and men,
But I am saying that that maybe nothing's wrong with
the type you're looking for. Maybe something's wrong with the
type that you picking.
Speaker 1 (37:28):
Y'all heard that maybe.
Speaker 4 (37:29):
Needs some more tools to kind of you know, I
don't really think. I don't know why you're trying to
give me counseled. I don't know. I don't know why
people don't often pause for a minute to get crystal
clear on what they non negotiables are. When it comes
to relationships and data, then that way that just gives
you more clarity and more direction, more vision, if you will,
(37:53):
when it comes to who does and who doesn't fit,
what would work for you, Like, you got to be
honest about that. If you honest about that on the
front end, then it really helps you reduce heartbreak. It
really helps you reduce unnecessary relationships.
Speaker 1 (38:08):
Someone yeah, waste.
Speaker 4 (38:10):
Experiences, you know, It's just it really does if people
kind of take the time just to be honest with
you about you. And so sometimes people are so busy
judging what they want that they're not honest about what
they want, and so they get into something that they
don't want and it don't work because you weren't honest
with you. You not gonna be happy with that, That's sense.
(38:32):
I don't know why I jumped on that.
Speaker 1 (38:34):
You hopped on something that I was gonna save for
next time, and I think I am. So I'm gonna
ask you this question and then I'm gonna just press end.
I'm gonna leave us with a cliffhanger. Do men really
know what to do with the woman that comes with
her own to the table? Hold up? Can he really
(38:57):
handle that. She has sound opinions and suggestions or should
she keep them to herself? If she doesn't keep them
to herself, is that considered not letting the man lead?
Now she's coming into the picture with life experience, home ownership,
bought cars, operates a business. Can a man handle it?
(39:18):
And if he can handle it, what are things that
a woman must do to still honor him. We can
talk about that now our next time, everybody, or you
can leave us with something for the next time.
Speaker 2 (39:31):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (39:31):
I think that's a completely different conversation. But yes, here's
like my one sentence kind of response to that. So
the answer is, you know, can men handle that?
Speaker 2 (39:41):
Yes?
Speaker 4 (39:42):
The question is how do you determine what man actually can,
not what man says he can, because sometimes men and women, yes, sir,
absolutely inaccurately assess what you can really handle? Think until
you get it, until you get it. Yeah, So I
think I think that the answers yes, But the question is, yeah,
(40:04):
how do you discern a man? What are the kind
of character traits of a man that can actually handle
that so that you can see it for yourself and
not just listen to what he tells you.
Speaker 1 (40:14):
Y'all, this is going to have to go for part two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight,
and nine ten. Doctor Darius Daniels, thank you so much
for joining me on Checking in. Everybody you have to
get his book Relational Intelligence, and he definitely is just
giving us the people skills that you need for the
(40:36):
life of purpose that you want. This book will definitely
help you in every area of your life relationally. Doctor Darius,
thank you so much for being with us today, and
you'll promise you'll come back for sure for suw for
the next conversation. You might need a posse, you might
need some other men to, you know, just kind of
back you because I might have a possive woman with
(40:57):
me and we gonna we gotta go in on what
we were talking about, all right, even though we know
you can hold your own. But once again, I appreciate
you so much for your time in being with us
today on checking in with Michelle Williams.
Speaker 2 (41:08):
It's my pleasure glad to be with you.
Speaker 1 (41:15):
I have so many thoughts about what doctor Darius has
shared with us. Like I said in his book, I
did have to put it down for a few minutes
because sometimes it is hard to assess something about yourself.
We say we want to, but sometimes it is hard
to look in the mirror and say what kind of
friend am I? Or what type of friend do I
(41:37):
feel someone needs? And then ultimately I want to be
the friend that God wants me to be. And it
is okay, you are not going to be perfect. This
podcast isn't for perfect people. I have made mistakes in relationships.
I've ghosted people. Maybe I had didn't return a phone
call in the most timely manner, or maybe I was
(42:01):
kind of afraid to even speak up and speak my
mind in a relationship. And so I've just been so
strengthened and encouraged. And I hope you all have two
about how you can be in a relationship and that
there's no such thing as a perfect relationship, but we
can be as close to perfect as we are of
how we treat people in the relationship, and just continue
(42:22):
to assess yourself, not anybody else, because that's what we
can do. Wanned I've done it. I'm always assessing somebody else. No, Now,
this is a time in the season and guess what,
the pandemic is perfect time to be assessing who we
are in relationships. And Ephesians fourign two says be completely
humble and gentle, be patient, bearing with one another in love.
(42:46):
I think that passage is so simple, be completely humble
and gentle and be patient. I want somebody to be
humble and gentle with me, and I definitely want somebody
to be patient with me. I'm gonna tell you right
now now. It's not that I'm a lot to handle,
but there could be moments where anxiety is trying to
take over. I can be totally emotional about something, and
(43:10):
I totally want someone to be patient with me. I've
learned patience is so important because you never know the
person that you're in relationship with. You never know what
was going on in their day that maybe constituted some behavior.
But I do believe though, if something is toxic or
absolutely abusive and dangerous, that's another thing, as far as
(43:32):
having to set a boundary with somebody that's doing that,
or to totally eliminate that person from your life. I'm
talking about being patient and gentle and humble and bearing
with one another in love with somebody that you know
we are building something. And I feel like a soulmate
doesn't always apply to a romantic relationship. I believe I
(43:56):
have some soul mates in just non romantic relationships, are
purposes aligned, or I know that they have purpose. So
I'm not gonna be a hindrance to their purpose. I
am going to add to their purpose. I'm going to
help in any way possible. That's my checking in moment.
Tune in next time for Checking In with Michelle Williams.
(44:36):
Checking In with Michelle Williams is a production of iHeartRadio
and The Black Effect. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit
the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to
your favorite shows.
Welcome to Checking In with Michelle Williams, a production of
iHeartRadio and The Black Effect. Hey everyone, it's Michelle Williams.
(00:21):
Have you ever been in a toxic friendship or relationship
or a work relationship that leaves you drained? Well, guess what,
you don't have to throw that relationship away. I've got
an amazing guest who will share some great insight into
something I know we can all relate to, and it's
coming up right now on Checking In with Michelle Williams.
(00:59):
Today theme of Checking In is about relationships. I've had
to do some assessing of myself, my behaviors as it
comes to relationships. I've also had to be more intentional
about preserving relationships, more intentional about even putting myself out
(01:20):
there to connect with people. Because if you are like me,
you like to stay in the house, You like to
be a homebody. You just like to connect with your
favorite TV show or your favorite podcast. You don't want
to be bothered with anybody. And some of you, you
probably are like that, because maybe you've experienced some betrayal,
(01:41):
or maybe you feel like everybody that you come in
contact with or are in relationship, maybe you feel like
they're always trying to compete with you, or maybe you
feel like in relationships maybe they're not reciprocated, so you
feel like it's just best for you to just be
to yourself. But I want to encourage you, and I
want to let you know that we are meant to connect.
(02:06):
We are meant to connect with other humans. Now it
is up to us to continue. What we'll learn today
is that we have to discern people in our lives
and where to place them. I'm also learning to treat
people in relationships the way I would want to be treated.
But I also have to know that I can't expect
(02:27):
everybody to be like me. As the saying says, you
can't expect you from somebody else. So sometimes even going
into relationships, I'm learning that I am taking a risk,
and not just in romantic relationships. I am taking a
risk to possibly be hurt. I'm taking a risk to
(02:49):
possibly be betrayed or lied on or compete. But that's
where I say you have to assess the people that
you are in relationship with. You know, maybe they're not
so much on the front seat of your life. Maybe
they're just kind of in the middle balcony and then
some people are in the nosebleed seats, and then some
people they just outside of the arena looking in. But
there is a way to handle people, because it's the
(03:12):
law of reciprocity or sowing and reaping. You will reap
everything that you saw. You might not reap it ten
minutes from now, you might not reap it ten months
from now. But just know whatever sees you so relationally,
you will get it back. So just continue to listen
in for the rest of this podcast. I am absolutely
(03:35):
excited to introduce this phenomenal person, this next guest of mine,
doctor Darius Daniels. I'm gonna read off everything that I
know about him. He is founder and pastor of Change Church,
multiple locations. I love that he is a certified coach
(03:58):
and I feel his teachings, everything that he shares is
so versatile. He can go from the church to the
corporate boardroom. A Bachelor of Political Science from Millsaps College
in Jackson, Mississippi, a Masters of Divinity from Princeton, and
he got his doctorates from Fuller University. Also author of
(04:21):
an amazing book that has been changing me, relational Intelligence.
This is his newest book titled Relational Intelligence. Everybody, I
want you to welcome my brother, my friend, doctor Darius Daniels.
Doctor Daniels, thank you so much for joining me.
Speaker 2 (04:39):
Thank you for having me. Michelle, I'm excited to be here.
I don't know, I think I owe you some money
for that introduction.
Speaker 1 (04:45):
Well, first of all, we can be very humble in
accomplishments and things on your resume, but every now and
then it is good to know your accomplishments and everything
that you have come through. You know everything that you are,
and it's good to let somebody else talk about.
Speaker 3 (05:00):
You all the dime.
Speaker 4 (05:01):
I just feel like I wrote a bunch of papers.
But I'm glad to be on the podcast with you.
Speaker 2 (05:07):
Though. This is exciting, This is epic.
Speaker 1 (05:10):
Listen, it truly truly is. And I'm gonna speak what
I'm supposed to say at the end, and that is
I know you're gonna come back because we got a
lot to unpack everything regarding your book. Relational Intelligence can
probably take up twenty five episodes, and we only have
a few moments with us right now, but we can
(05:31):
go on and on. I'm grateful for my relationship with
you and Shamika and how we get to talk about things.
We unloaded some things the other day and I was like, man,
I wish we had audio on record, because this is
some great stuff. And I think as far as your book,
Relational Intelligence, I think people think, you know, when we
(05:54):
talk about relationships, we automatically assume romantic relationships and personal relationsistionships.
But you go on to teach us about how to
be in business relationships and just relational just relationships period
with friends, and your book definitely taught me. Okay, I
got to do better in this area because you can
be so great in your career, but you can suck
(06:15):
at being a friend. You could suck at how you
do business. So that's what we are going to dive
in today, Relational Intelligence. Please tell us the inspiration of
you writing this book, all.
Speaker 4 (06:27):
Right, So I would say this, The inspiration is kind
of twofold. So one is experiences that I had in
my personal life. Two is observations I was making in
my professional life. And this is what I saw personally
and professionally. People's greatest joy and greatest pain was coming
from the same place, and that's their relationships. One hundred percent.
(06:49):
I saw this greatest joy, greatest pain was coming from relationships. Now,
I experienced some of this in my own life, and
then I just saw it with the people I was
leading and serving that no matter what accomplishments they achieved,
no matter what possessions they acquire, at some point that
new thing got old, that extraordinary thing got familiar.
Speaker 2 (07:10):
But what really provided like long lasting joy.
Speaker 4 (07:14):
And fulfillment when it came to people's lives and even
in my life personally, was this area of relationships. And
so I just kind of felt like in my experience
and what I observed an experience of others, many people
kind of managed relationships emotionally. And I'm not saying that
we shouldn't be engaged emotionally in relationships. We should, but
(07:36):
in the car relationships, my point is this, put the
emotions in the car, just don't let them drive the
small point. So that's what really kind of birthed the book. Man,
It's just been something that's helped me and we just
we're grateful that it's helping a lot of other people too.
Speaker 1 (07:55):
You talk about how your greatest gives walk into your
life on two legs, and that's just kind of I
guess piggybacking off of what you were talking about. Your
greatest joys and some of your greatest pains come from relationships.
And I want to dive into when you're talking about
how we can let our emotions drive you say intellectual
capacity plus emotional capacity equal relational intelligence. So as far
(08:20):
as the emotions, I think that's I think a lot
of relationships can be saved and or repaired if we
can get our emotions in order. What's the number one
thing emotionally that you think happens that can destroy a relationship?
Speaker 4 (08:35):
Oh, one percent is one thing that well, I'm gonna
say one hundred percent in terms of every case, but
in my mind, one hundred percent that's percent. Something that
sticks out above the rest is this is trauma. And
when I say trauma, I don't mean just extreme cases
of abuse or exploitation anything like that. But this is
what I say. Bad experiences that people have in relationships
(08:57):
in the past sabotage general relationships in the present. It's
like somebody else did the crime, but you make people
in your life currently due to time. You know, I
don't think people are evil when that happens, you know,
I just think they're human.
Speaker 2 (09:14):
And we haven't necessarily been given.
Speaker 3 (09:17):
The tools on how to respond in a healthy way
to betrayal. How do I respond when I've been used?
How do I respond when I've been exploited? How do
I respond when I've been taken for granted? Because you
don't want to mismanage the people that are coming into
your life to be a blessing, yes, because of your
(09:39):
experience with people in the past that have been a burden.
Speaker 1 (09:43):
And you you also say that perfect relationships do not exist.
Speaker 2 (09:48):
No, absolutely not.
Speaker 4 (09:51):
Now, this book is not necessarily about romantic relationships, but
we can apply it to romantic relationships in the sense
that in the initial stages of like a romantic relationship,
it's like, oh my god, this person is perfect. That
infatuation stage, you just intoxicated emotionally.
Speaker 2 (10:07):
They can't do anything wrong.
Speaker 1 (10:09):
Yes, Yes, all of.
Speaker 4 (10:10):
A sudden, your eyes started opening, you start seeing issues
and tendencies.
Speaker 2 (10:15):
You're like, wait a minute, this person changed them.
Speaker 4 (10:18):
It's like, nah, they didn't change, just another part of
them that had been exposed got revealed. Everybody's imperfect. You know,
relationships don't break themselves. There's no such thing as a
broken relationship. We break relationships because we're broken people.
Speaker 1 (10:33):
Mm hm.
Speaker 4 (10:35):
And so there's a difference between an imperfect relationship and
an unhealthy one.
Speaker 2 (10:39):
So I don't want people to confuse what I'm saying there.
Speaker 4 (10:41):
There's no such thing as a perfect relationship, So just
because it's imperfect doesn't mean you should abandon it.
Speaker 2 (10:46):
Like, I believe, all people are equally valuable.
Speaker 4 (10:49):
So whether you off the street or on Wall Street,
nobody's more valuable than another person. But here it is, Michelle,
Here it is a lot of people have trouble wrap
their head around this, though.
Speaker 1 (10:58):
Help us wrap, help us rapid.
Speaker 4 (11:00):
Everybody doesn't add equal value to you, Like everybody's equally valuable,
but everybody doesn't add equal value to you.
Speaker 1 (11:08):
Okay, y'all write that down.
Speaker 4 (11:11):
Yeah, So the point that I'm making is somebody can
be imperfect and invaluable at the same time. So it's like,
it's like my wife, Man, I noticed I was a kid,
so I met nineteen twenty years old.
Speaker 2 (11:25):
Here's my point.
Speaker 4 (11:26):
Though, I realize that if God forbid something that would
have happened to her and we are together, I can't
replace that in twenty four hours.
Speaker 2 (11:33):
No, I can't. I can't. I can find somebody to day.
Speaker 4 (11:36):
You know, I can find somebody pretty, but everything she
brings I can't replace that. So although everybody's equally valuable,
everybody doesn't add equal value to me. So just because
something is imperfect doesn't mean it is invaluable. And when
it's invaluable, man, you can't just abandon it. You got
to learn how to manage it and navigate it, fix it,
(11:57):
restore it. But again, I want to emphasize because I
know people saying what you're saying if I'm in a
crazy No, I'm not saying that there's a difference between
it being imperfect and unhealthy. But just because it's imperfect,
that means it is not a unique value. And some
people are just hard to replace.
Speaker 1 (12:14):
Come on, some people are just hard to replace. And
i'd like to think that I'm one of those people
absolutely hard to replace. You know what I'm saying. It's
something that you were saying about I cannot replace you,
or how I feel like I'm irreplaceable. But there's a
(12:35):
portion of your book where you talk about elimination and
that there is a proper way, and y'all have to
buy the book. Can I read something that you said
about elimination sure, you say, a criteria for elimination is
simple when maintaining the relationship in any form or category
is no longer in the best interests of the person involved.
(12:59):
It's kind of product, it's emotionally toxic. So there are
times where you can eliminate a relationship. It's just in
the how. And while I'm on that, we're talking about elimination.
What is your thought on boundary setting versus ghosting?
Speaker 4 (13:19):
All right, so this might be a little complex. I
don't know, it might even be a little controversial, Michelle.
I got admit this because I talk about this in
the book, and so I don't if I don't own this,
I'm being a hypocrite, all right, Yes, So in the book,
I say there are times where you can make adjustments
without making announcements. Like every adjustment doesn't have to have
an announcement. There's sometimes when it's like, yeah, you see something,
(13:42):
you see some fruit of somebody's character, you see some tendencies,
and you're not judging it, but you're just observing so
that you know how to manage that person in your life. Right,
I'm not making a judgment on this. But let's say
if somebody's gossiping. That just got a tendency to gospel
it like, I'm on with this person, they're talking about
somebody else, sir. Well, if you see that, it's possible
for you to adjust what you tell them without.
Speaker 2 (14:04):
Announcing that to them. Right, you don't have to say, Yo,
let's go to lunch.
Speaker 4 (14:08):
I think you gossip about everybody all the time, so
I'm not going to tell you nothing. Well, yeah, I'm
not saying it's wrong to do that, especially if y'all
got that kind of relational equity where that person receives
that from you. But the point that I'm making is
that's completely different than ghosting. The elimination part of the
book is really about, YO, when do you get to
the place when you get to the place where you
(14:29):
recognize this is no longer healthy for me? Right, this
relationship is not healthy for me mentally, it's not healthy
for me emotionally, it's not healthy for me spiritually, it's
not healthy for me professionally. Then at that point you
got to prioritize the stewardship of your own soul over
(14:50):
that specific relationship. And that's not being selfish, that's being
a good steward And when that happens. I feel like,
at least this is me living by the gold and
rule is just kind of like human decency, and so
that's why I'm going to be like, yeah, if you can,
it's important to have a conversation, yes, instead instead of ghosting,
(15:11):
especially if you're talking about somebody you've been in relationship with, friend, associate,
like whatever category they're in. I just feel like you
want to manage that exit the way you would want
somebody to manage if they were making an exit like
that with you. I don't know about the ghosting part.
Speaker 1 (15:26):
I definitely agree with literally a situation today where I
feel like someone definitely crossed the line and they sent
a real, you know, nice message and I was like, oh, okay,
I gotta respond because I don't like the feeling when
it has been done to me. Right, But I'm in
(15:49):
the place even personally where I'm like, Okay, well, how
do I manage and respect and do what I feel
is best for me and respect me versus pleasing them
and their feelings. Because people can do things that are
so out of pocket that I do feel like you
can definitely take a step back and take some space.
(16:09):
It's not that I'm goals to you. I just need
to take some space, and I'm repositioning you. You no
longer are in the front seat of my life. I
don't put you in the nosebleeds. What would you say
to two people that are working in the confines of
a business. Yeah, and they have the potential for the
(16:31):
business too. They can do some damage. Yeah, you know,
business wise, what is some advice to somebody in that situation?
Speaker 4 (16:41):
You know, I think that's one of the most important relationships.
You know, That's that's what I would call an associate. Now,
I'm not saying business partners can't be friends, but I
do think that there are times when people confuse the
friendly nature of.
Speaker 2 (16:53):
The relationship with a yeah, you know what I mean.
Speaker 4 (16:56):
And so for me, I make the distinction between like
a friend and associate, and associate to me with following
a business partner or co worker team member category. And
it's this, if I wasn't as good as I am
with what I do, would we still have relationship? If
I remove my gift from the equation and it's just
me and you, will we still have relationship?
Speaker 2 (17:17):
Right? I don't think that's being cynical.
Speaker 4 (17:19):
I think that's being honest, and it keeps you from
setting yourself up for unnecessary frustration or hurt and pain
down the line because you are confusing someone who's an
associate with a friend. So it doesn't mean a relationship
can't be friendly, but it does mean that you recognize
(17:39):
this relationship exists because of what I do, not just
who I am, where friendship has a completely different set
of criteria. So I feel like, no matter what, when
it comes to the business relationship, whether it is friends
or whether it is associates, you want to respect the
personal relationship. You want to love the personal relationship enough
(18:00):
to get the business right. So this is where I
feel like people kind of get wires cross when it
comes to business relationship. They feel like, because we have
a personal relationship, you should kind of be more laxed,
less excellent and give me more room for failure and
sloppiness because we're friends, yes, or because there's a friendly
aspect of our relationship. What I would say is no,
(18:23):
because there's a friendly aspect of our relationship, I want
to make sure the sloppy business doesn't get in the
way of the friendship or get in the way of
this relationship. So let's make sure we manage the business
properly so that we can be productive on the business side.
But that productivity on the business side protects the personal
(18:45):
aspect of the relationship.
Speaker 2 (18:47):
It's easy for us.
Speaker 4 (18:47):
To be friends when to be friendly, when things are
going well, it's progressing, there's not a lot of stress
and strain and struggle. So I really feel like managing
those business partnerships and and those relationships with that in
mind is incredibly important. And I've seen people be destroyed
and crushed when they finally get the revelation that what
(19:09):
I thought was a friendship is actually just a partnership.
So I think it's important to go into that man
eyes wide open.
Speaker 1 (19:16):
I've seen so many people use the word oh, that's
my friend, that's my friend, that's my friend, that's my friend.
And I do feel like I feel sorry for people
who are in a position where those lines do get blurred,
where you even talk about assignments. Yeah, like you have
to know I'm not your you're not friends, I am
(19:37):
assigned to you, and those lines get so blurred and
so cross, And I've seen people's feelings hurt.
Speaker 2 (19:49):
You better believe it.
Speaker 1 (19:50):
Feeling so hurt that word friend. We use that word
very very loosely, and you talk about it's got to
be reciprocated in some fruit here for me to call
you a friend.
Speaker 4 (20:00):
Yeah, definitely. But you know that's that's the whole concept
of out relational intelligence. It's not about being smug or
cynical or harsh or whatever, but it's just about being
wise in the area of our relationships, just being intentional.
And so for me, that's about this whole thing of
like defining and aligning your relationships. I don't want to
call you something that you aren't because if I call
(20:25):
you that, I'm going to expect you to be that
for me, because I'm.
Speaker 2 (20:28):
Gonna be that for you.
Speaker 4 (20:31):
That makes sense and so and so what happens is
when you're using the word so friendship. One of the
ways friendship is seen or exposed is by reciprocity. It
doesn't mean that you do the same thing for me
that I do for you, but it does mean there's
reciprocity in the relationship in the sense that we both
(20:51):
add value to each other's lives.
Speaker 2 (20:54):
In some kind of way.
Speaker 4 (20:56):
And it doesn't even mean we add value to each
other's lives on the same level. But it does mean Yo,
there's reciprocity in this relationship, absolutely, but when there is not,
some people end up frustrated, mad, hurt, and upset and
it's like, No, you were calling that person a friend,
(21:16):
but they were just kind of an associate, Or you
were calling them a friend, but that was kind of
an assignment. That's somebody you were mentoring, helping, and when
you go into it, when you go into a relationship
and manage a relationship with those expectations, it reduces the
likelihood you're going to be frustrated.
Speaker 2 (21:33):
You know what I mean?
Speaker 4 (21:34):
Absolutely, I'm giving more in this relationship than what I'm
going to get, and I'm okay with that because you're
a mentee. I feel like that's what's really Keep going
in with eyes wide open so that you know where
to make investments and where you can have realistic expectations.
Speaker 1 (21:50):
Mike drop Doctor Darius. He's known to drop many bars,
not only in relational intelligence, but y'all got to listen
to some of his sermons. I'd be like, Yo, he
should be a ghostwriter for some of these rappers out here,
because he just dropped something.
Speaker 4 (22:09):
Oh, I grew up in a different, different era. These
guys would not want me to write for them. Well,
I don't think the guy's in my era.
Speaker 1 (22:18):
I don't know. I got some folks in mind who
are great and what they do. But I'm like, yo,
if you take what doctor Darius just said and then
you put your swag on in your wrap style, you
would absolutely be dope. But AnyWho, that's a whole other podcast.
We were talking about where to put people in their
(22:39):
relationships and if they're an assignment an associate. You also
talk about if they are an advisor. But I want
to talk about you. In the beginning of the book,
you talk about how we are made for connection, we
are made for relationships, and you ask the question, are
your relationships holding you back or propelling you forward in
(23:01):
your purpose? So are you saying that the relationships in
your life they have to be aligned with where you're going.
Speaker 2 (23:10):
I'm saying two things.
Speaker 1 (23:11):
I'm okay with that, too, bad way, I agree with that.
Speaker 2 (23:13):
Yeah, yeah, I'm saying two things.
Speaker 4 (23:14):
All right. So the first thing I'm saying is there's
no such thing as neutral relationships. So that's a myth,
like you're either going forward or backwards. Now, sometimes the
movement is incremental, so you don't feel it, you know
what I mean.
Speaker 2 (23:26):
So it's like somebody could be taking you back and you.
Speaker 4 (23:28):
Don't even know they're taking you back because they're not
taking you back fast.
Speaker 2 (23:32):
It's just incremental.
Speaker 4 (23:33):
Then all of a sudden, you kind of come to
yourself one day and you like, I ain't really happy
when I.
Speaker 2 (23:38):
Talk to her. You know, it just hits you one time.
You're like, yo, every time I get off the phone
with them, or am I.
Speaker 4 (23:44):
Just I feel less optimistic, I feel low, I feel blow,
But you don't always notice that immediately, you know what
I'm saying.
Speaker 2 (23:53):
So, like, I'm not saying.
Speaker 4 (23:54):
That every relationship that is taking you backwards is going
to destroy your life. I'm just saying it might destroy
your peace, it might destroy your focus, it might destroy
your productivity over a period of time.
Speaker 2 (24:05):
So that's the first thing I'm saying. It's no such
thing as neutral relationships.
Speaker 4 (24:08):
Okay, since there's no such thing as neutral relationships, you're
helping me go forward, are you pulling me back? You
add value to my life or you're taking value from me.
You're making deposits or withdrawals. You're bringing me joy, your pain. Right,
you're helping me get the destiny or your distraction. It's
no neutral relationships. If that's the case, you want to
make sure. I'm not talking about using people, but you
(24:29):
do want to make sure that your relationships are aligned
with where you think you're going, because if not, that
relationship is not an asset, it's a liability. And when
I say that, I'm not just talking work, I'm not
just talking job. Like where do you want to go mentally?
Like what kind of head space do you want to
live in? So there was this group of psychologists that
(24:52):
did this focused group it's pretty diverse focus group of
people here in America, right to come up with one
word that would describe the email emotional state of most
people in America. And then like the word that they
came out with was this word languishing.
Speaker 2 (25:06):
Like so, no matter how many bags.
Speaker 4 (25:09):
Or cars, or how much money's in the bank, how
much people are progressing professionally, the average person isn't thriving.
Speaker 2 (25:18):
They're like languishing. They're just going alone to get along.
Speaker 4 (25:21):
So if you want to get out of that mentally
and you want to move forward in your mind, you've
got to be strategic. Now, I'm not saying that stuck out,
but I'm saying you got to be strategic and you
got to have a standard when it comes to your
relational life, because if not, you're going to get in
the car with people who are going.
Speaker 2 (25:40):
In the wrong direction.
Speaker 1 (25:41):
Direction.
Speaker 2 (25:42):
You'll be mad when you get that.
Speaker 1 (25:44):
Yes, and then you did the same wrong place, wrong time.
You should have known who you was getting in the
car with. You got to know who you are getting
into relationship with. I'm gonna admit when I first started
reading Relational Intelligence, I had to put it down for
a minute. And I'm gonna tell you why, because sometimes
you could pick up this book thinking about what you're
(26:05):
gonna see in another person. Okay, No, it was for me,
and also how I have been in relationships. I hope
I'm articulating it correctly by how we can read something
and we can be like, hm, so and so need
to read this, because if they read this, we would
have these problems. Oh no, Even in this book you
(26:27):
have personal assessments. Even the first question, in what ways
do I demonstrate unshakable character?
Speaker 2 (26:34):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (26:34):
Not in what ways does he or she like? I said,
because if he wouldn't have done this if she no, no, no, no.
What are you doing? Are you trustworthy? Are you dependable?
Are you a safe person to be in relationship? Even
business wise? How are you taking care of business while
you're at work? Can people depend on you? It's not
(26:55):
always about somebody else?
Speaker 2 (26:57):
Yeah, here is Michelle, here's a question. The question is this.
Speaker 4 (27:01):
It's one I want to ask myself with my friends,
with people I lead and serve, etc. Are you the
person that the person you looking for is looking for?
Are you the person that the person you looking for
is looking for? Like you looking for a certain type
of person with that certain type of persons looking for
a certain type of person. Are you the person that
(27:22):
the person you're looking for is looking for? I think
that's important. So for me, it's almost like, Yo, would
God really be good to send that person to you?
Like would you be as big a blessing to them
as they are to you? Especially if we're talking about
the friendship category. I'm not talking about other categories where
people are just they come into your life and they
help you, and they open doors for you, they mentor you,
(27:43):
they coach you. There's not going to be a lot
of reciprocity there. But when we're talking about that friendship category.
I think that's a completely different conversation because I believe
Michelle straight up and I'm not keep going back to
friendship is because I believe that's the most important category
in the book because you're going to be more transparent
with your friends than you are with your mentor is
it going to take you a while to really keep
it one hundred with your mentor. I noticed I'm a
(28:04):
spiritual leader, so I recognize it's like, yo, most of
the time, I'm gonna get a I'm gonna get a
representation of who somebody really is to the bottom fall out. Now,
when the bottom fall out, then all the rest. But
you know what, they friends know the real deal. So
being strategic about that friendship category is really important because
those are the people that are probably going to be
(28:24):
advising you the most, speaking into your life the most,
and they got the potential to help you the most,
and vice versa, vice versa.
Speaker 1 (28:31):
Absolutely, I absolutely agree with that. This book has just
been so profound, making me asking myself, how do I
know that I'm the good friend, that I'm the type
of person that someone wants to be a friend with,
that I'm the type of person that I'm looking for.
You have to be what's on that list too.
Speaker 2 (28:52):
Sorry, that conversation definitely a different podcast.
Speaker 1 (28:58):
Definitely a different podcast conversation. It was a dating conversation.
But I'm sorry. I have had someone, I mean a
dear best friend of mine and I'm and I've been assessing, Okay,
I can do this, I can be more attentive, I
can do this, I can show up more. I can
because sometimes people would feel like they show up for you,
but you don't show up for them, you know. Right now,
(29:20):
it's been a little difficult because of the pandemic, so
we've had to go above and beyond. Maybe your facetimingmore.
Maybe you're just kind of checking in, saying, hey, just
checking on you and the family. How are y'all doing,
Probably more so than we would have outside of a pandemic.
And speaking of why do you think some relationships are
thriving in this pandemic and why others are crumbling?
Speaker 2 (29:43):
That's a great question.
Speaker 1 (29:45):
Yea, it's the good question, y'all, doctor said, I asked
a good question. I'm excited about that.
Speaker 2 (29:50):
Questions are always great. I mean, you're a great interviewer. Hey,
take heart, here's my thoughts.
Speaker 1 (30:00):
Then I'm a good interviewer.
Speaker 2 (30:01):
Great conversational this, So here's my thoughts. All right. Obviously
there's no one reason, one size that fits all. But
generally speaking, here of this, the pandemic.
Speaker 4 (30:11):
Does not break relationships. It exposes them.
Speaker 2 (30:14):
That's all of it. Is It exposed fragile. Sometimes stuff
is fragile.
Speaker 4 (30:19):
You just don't know until you put pressure on it, right,
Like it could be a it could be a chair
sitting in your house and that chair is on you know,
one leg is on life support of that chair, and
you don't know it till you put some pressure on it.
Speaker 2 (30:29):
And I think that's all the pandemic was.
Speaker 4 (30:31):
When it came to some relationships, it's like, you know,
even romantically, it's like people, oh, we like each other,
but we don't like each other that much to be
around each other this much.
Speaker 1 (30:41):
So now you want doctor You want someone like doctor
Darius in your life, by the way, because he tells
it like it is like some of y'all need to
just tell somebody I don't like you as much.
Speaker 4 (30:51):
Yeah, yeah, And so I think I think the pandemic exposed,
it exposes relationships.
Speaker 2 (30:56):
Watch this, but it Also it exposes people.
Speaker 4 (30:59):
Man, it exposes how do you manage other people you
in relationship with when you're under stress? How do you
treat people when you under pressure? You know, do other
people have to be the casualty? Are they the casualty
of your strain and your uncertainty and the pressure that
you're living under. So I feel like those that kind
of thrive were those that like put the roof on
(31:22):
the house before it started raining. It was like it
was who actually kind of did the work before the pandemic,
you know what I mean? When the relationship got tested,
what they had built was built right, and so it
was able to withstand it, and other relationships it may
not have been built the best and it wasn't able
(31:43):
to withstand it. The question is for those people that
feel like, man, this thing kind of messed up my
relationship is whether or not you feel like, am I
supposed to rebuild this? Or you know, do I realize
I can't build something better and stronger with these materials?
Speaker 2 (31:59):
Because that that's true.
Speaker 4 (32:00):
Man, Like both people, friends, associates, advisors, assignments, all of that,
both parties have to be willing to put in the work.
So sometimes you just got to be honest about that
and say this person is not willing to put in
the work or right now, I don't want to put
in the work for this person, right or wrong. You
got to be willing to live with those consequences. You
(32:21):
got to be honest about that.
Speaker 1 (32:23):
You said something living with the consequences. I don't think
a lot of us like to do that, want to
do that.
Speaker 2 (32:30):
I know men don't know.
Speaker 4 (32:32):
I know men don't when it comes to relationships, because
guys will I'm gonna tell you.
Speaker 1 (32:37):
I'm gonna tell us we want to know GUIDs.
Speaker 4 (32:39):
What I think some of the best advice you could
get about guys is gonna come from counselors, barbers, coaches,
the spiritual leaders, guys who deal with a bunch of
people so they can give you a perspective that's not
just their opinion based on their experience with a bunch
of people. And what one guy frame it this way?
(33:01):
You know what did it say? Like you don't mischell
water to your well well run. That's why a lot
of sisters get like these random texts out of nowhere
from guys. It's like y'all ain't talked to two years
and now all of a sudden, you get a text
and it's like what's up.
Speaker 1 (33:16):
You know, you're like, yo, what what's up?
Speaker 2 (33:19):
Come from?
Speaker 4 (33:20):
But a lot of times men have to not have
to But a lot of times men learn through experience
that I had something that was invaluable, I didn't know
it and I didn't value it properly until I lost it.
Speaker 1 (33:35):
Five men could text me that right now and now
Maude be all their girlfriends at the same time.
Speaker 2 (33:40):
So I think that's that's one of the things that happened.
Speaker 4 (33:43):
So again, I'm not making excuses for that, but I
have found that to be the experience. I can't tell
you how many guys it said to me every agent
stage of life, like ah, man, I let this and
get away, I let that one get I didn't know
what I had when I had that. You know, I
definitely think that's the case with men. I'm not saying
that's the case with women. But because I am a
man and because are really leaning a lot in terms
of mentoring and coaching man, I can say that I've
(34:04):
experienced that a lot.
Speaker 1 (34:05):
At least you went there, not me. Because I know
this book isn't just specifically for romantic relationships. But since
you went there, you probably just actually told the dude
what to say. I don't know if you know you
did that. You said you are invaluable. I messed up
what he just made it so easy. I hope you
(34:25):
guys rewind this and write down what he said verbatim,
cause you might get her back if she's not taken,
or if it's a possibility, he gave you something to
say to get her back. As far as what single
people are going through right now in this pandemic, like
(34:47):
you said, some relationships are thriving, some relationships are just
absolutely crushed. Generally speaking, what should a single person be
doing right now during this pandemic regarding relationships?
Speaker 2 (35:01):
This is gonna sound so cliche, but it's true. It
is true. Facts.
Speaker 1 (35:07):
Come on, tell us.
Speaker 4 (35:08):
Your own personal development should probably be your number one
priority right now now.
Speaker 2 (35:14):
This is what I mean when.
Speaker 4 (35:15):
I say that, And some people disagree with it, especially
some people in spiritual space. But I mean, I'm not
gonna go all into that, but there are reasons that
I kind of lean this way, and that's this. One
of the most important things you can do as a
single person is make sure you don't have anything, or
you minimize I'm not saying anything. You minimize the unhealthy
impulses that have been driving your bad picks.
Speaker 1 (35:38):
The impulses that have been dry.
Speaker 2 (35:42):
Or bad picks.
Speaker 4 (35:43):
So like if you it's hard to have a good
relationship with a bad pick. And I don't think compatibility
is a myth. Compatibility is real in the spiritual space,
it's real in the nonspiritual space.
Speaker 2 (35:54):
It's real.
Speaker 4 (35:54):
So for me, I think if somebody is honest enough
to like just kind of look back at some of
the bar picks, you just gotta be like, yo, I'm
too smart to be picking like that. So it must
be something else besides my brain that's influencing these.
Speaker 2 (36:11):
Picks that I'm making.
Speaker 4 (36:12):
So during this time of quarantine, let me try to
figure out what is it that's driving me to make
some of these picks, so I can deal with that
so that next time I'm not even gonna say you're
gonna pick differently. You can at least pick better. And
I feel like that's what's really important.
Speaker 1 (36:29):
Man, Well should we pick different or better?
Speaker 2 (36:31):
You know?
Speaker 4 (36:31):
I do feel like that there are times like some
people always think that better is different, and I'm not sure,
that's the case. Sometimes there is a type of person
that you prefer, So let's just deal with like assertive,
accomplish women who are leading in the marketplace.
Speaker 2 (36:47):
Let's deal with that. So there's this myth that this
cultural myth.
Speaker 4 (36:50):
I think it's a misnomer, but this is this myth
that like, yo, those women aren't good in relationships, they're
condescending there, whatever, whatever. And there might be a man
who had a bad experience with dating that type of woman.
Well that doesn't mean that there isn't a type of
a woman like that out there that may be more
aligned with what he wants. So I'm not saying he
(37:12):
should always abandon that type of woman or vice versa,
that she was on the other foot with women and men,
But I am saying that that maybe nothing's wrong with
the type you're looking for. Maybe something's wrong with the
type that you picking.
Speaker 1 (37:28):
Y'all heard that maybe.
Speaker 4 (37:29):
Needs some more tools to kind of you know, I
don't really think. I don't know why you're trying to
give me counseled. I don't know. I don't know why
people don't often pause for a minute to get crystal
clear on what they non negotiables are. When it comes
to relationships and data, then that way that just gives
you more clarity and more direction, more vision, if you will,
(37:53):
when it comes to who does and who doesn't fit,
what would work for you, Like, you got to be
honest about that. If you honest about that on the
front end, then it really helps you reduce heartbreak. It
really helps you reduce unnecessary relationships.
Speaker 1 (38:08):
Someone yeah, waste.
Speaker 4 (38:10):
Experiences, you know, It's just it really does if people
kind of take the time just to be honest with
you about you. And so sometimes people are so busy
judging what they want that they're not honest about what
they want, and so they get into something that they
don't want and it don't work because you weren't honest
with you. You not gonna be happy with that, That's sense.
(38:32):
I don't know why I jumped on that.
Speaker 1 (38:34):
You hopped on something that I was gonna save for
next time, and I think I am. So I'm gonna
ask you this question and then I'm gonna just press end.
I'm gonna leave us with a cliffhanger. Do men really
know what to do with the woman that comes with
her own to the table? Hold up? Can he really
(38:57):
handle that. She has sound opinions and suggestions or should
she keep them to herself? If she doesn't keep them
to herself, is that considered not letting the man lead?
Now she's coming into the picture with life experience, home ownership,
bought cars, operates a business. Can a man handle it?
(39:18):
And if he can handle it, what are things that
a woman must do to still honor him. We can
talk about that now our next time, everybody, or you
can leave us with something for the next time.
Speaker 2 (39:31):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (39:31):
I think that's a completely different conversation. But yes, here's
like my one sentence kind of response to that. So
the answer is, you know, can men handle that?
Speaker 2 (39:41):
Yes?
Speaker 4 (39:42):
The question is how do you determine what man actually can,
not what man says he can, because sometimes men and women, yes, sir,
absolutely inaccurately assess what you can really handle? Think until
you get it, until you get it. Yeah, So I
think I think that the answers yes, But the question is, yeah,
(40:04):
how do you discern a man? What are the kind
of character traits of a man that can actually handle
that so that you can see it for yourself and
not just listen to what he tells you.
Speaker 1 (40:14):
Y'all, this is going to have to go for part two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight,
and nine ten. Doctor Darius Daniels, thank you so much
for joining me on Checking in. Everybody you have to
get his book Relational Intelligence, and he definitely is just
giving us the people skills that you need for the
(40:36):
life of purpose that you want. This book will definitely
help you in every area of your life relationally. Doctor Darius,
thank you so much for being with us today, and
you'll promise you'll come back for sure for suw for
the next conversation. You might need a posse, you might
need some other men to, you know, just kind of
back you because I might have a possive woman with
(40:57):
me and we gonna we gotta go in on what
we were talking about, all right, even though we know
you can hold your own. But once again, I appreciate
you so much for your time in being with us
today on checking in with Michelle Williams.
Speaker 2 (41:08):
It's my pleasure glad to be with you.
Speaker 1 (41:15):
I have so many thoughts about what doctor Darius has
shared with us. Like I said in his book, I
did have to put it down for a few minutes
because sometimes it is hard to assess something about yourself.
We say we want to, but sometimes it is hard
to look in the mirror and say what kind of
friend am I? Or what type of friend do I
(41:37):
feel someone needs? And then ultimately I want to be
the friend that God wants me to be. And it
is okay, you are not going to be perfect. This
podcast isn't for perfect people. I have made mistakes in relationships.
I've ghosted people. Maybe I had didn't return a phone
call in the most timely manner, or maybe I was
(42:01):
kind of afraid to even speak up and speak my
mind in a relationship. And so I've just been so
strengthened and encouraged. And I hope you all have two
about how you can be in a relationship and that
there's no such thing as a perfect relationship, but we
can be as close to perfect as we are of
how we treat people in the relationship, and just continue
(42:22):
to assess yourself, not anybody else, because that's what we
can do. Wanned I've done it. I'm always assessing somebody else. No, Now,
this is a time in the season and guess what,
the pandemic is perfect time to be assessing who we
are in relationships. And Ephesians fourign two says be completely
humble and gentle, be patient, bearing with one another in love.
(42:46):
I think that passage is so simple, be completely humble
and gentle and be patient. I want somebody to be
humble and gentle with me, and I definitely want somebody
to be patient with me. I'm gonna tell you right
now now. It's not that I'm a lot to handle,
but there could be moments where anxiety is trying to
take over. I can be totally emotional about something, and
(43:10):
I totally want someone to be patient with me. I've
learned patience is so important because you never know the
person that you're in relationship with. You never know what
was going on in their day that maybe constituted some behavior.
But I do believe though, if something is toxic or
absolutely abusive and dangerous, that's another thing, as far as
(43:32):
having to set a boundary with somebody that's doing that,
or to totally eliminate that person from your life. I'm
talking about being patient and gentle and humble and bearing
with one another in love with somebody that you know
we are building something. And I feel like a soulmate
doesn't always apply to a romantic relationship. I believe I
(43:56):
have some soul mates in just non romantic relationships, are
purposes aligned, or I know that they have purpose. So
I'm not gonna be a hindrance to their purpose. I
am going to add to their purpose. I'm going to
help in any way possible. That's my checking in moment.
Tune in next time for Checking In with Michelle Williams.
(44:36):
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