December 13, 2024 • 32 mins
Previously Recorded
In this special throwback episode, Michelle discusses the difference between living and existing. She wants you to thrive! Michelle also gets into the ways your views on trust might impact your quality of life. CHECK IN to this episode if you’re ready stop existing and start living!
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Instagram: @MichelleWilliams
Twitter: @RealMichelleW
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to Checking In with Michelle Williams, a production of
iHeartRadio and The Black Effect. Listen if you think you
(00:20):
just need, you know, a little wisdom, some encouragement, this
is the episode for you to listen to. We're gonna
talk about all things trust, the difference between living and
just existing. I just felt the need to encourage some
of the listeners out there. Y'all have been rocking with
(00:42):
me now for three years, and I say it every episode.
I don't take your listening and you're downloading the episodes
for granted at all, Maybe tug on a friend and
tell them, hey, this episode is for you. All right, y'all,
we are really in the month of May. It really
(01:03):
is the fifth month of twenty twenty three, y'all. This
month is moving, This year is moving, and I hope
you're moving with it. I began to think about the
difference between living and existing and just trying to gauge
the areas that I've just been existing in and areas
(01:25):
that I think I'm thriving in, thriving and living because
life is going to always present a set of challenges,
and my desire is for divine strategy and divine wisdom
on how to navigate the obstacles and challenges that come
my way, not only divine wisdom and strategies on how
(01:49):
to overcome those obstacles. It's like, okay, also, Lord place
divine help around me. But that is going to require trust,
which I think I've said before, I haven't had an assistant. Ooh,
I haven't had a real assistant in over ten years
(02:13):
because of my lack of trust. And I've got to
get over that. I've got to give people an opportunity
not to prove themselves, because I wouldn't want anyone to
work for me and think they have to perform for
my trust. Now what do I mean perform? Well, let
me do this to make sure that she no, no,
no, no no. I want you to be you. And I've
(02:33):
been reading this book. It's a brand new book by
doctor Henry Cloud called Trust. So y'all know doctor Henry
Cloud is one of my favorite author of Safe People
and Boundaries. He's got a few different versions of boundaries.
He's got a boundaries and dating boundary. I mean just
(02:53):
so many. He's the bomb, amazing great psychologists, but he
talks to you in a practical way. He's from Louisiana,
So he's got a definite down to earth approach. And
the subtitle of his book Trust is called knowing when
to give it, when to withhold it, how to earn it,
and how to fix it when it gets broken. So
I'm going to dive into some of those excerpts later.
(03:15):
But I was trying to just figure out areas that
I'm thriving in and then areas where, man, have I
just gotten so numb in certain areas, And so I
just felt led to encourage some folks out there who
are kind of walking through life a little numb, because
that's how you've chosen to protect yourself. You know, like
(03:36):
when you go to the doctor and they have to
give you a shot, or you're getting some dental work
done and you gotta get a shot so they'll numb
the area, and it's kind of like for your protection,
so that you don't feel the pain. I will never
forget a couple of years ago, I had a dream
that I was being rolled into a surgical room and
I was getting surgery or they were gonna cut a
(04:00):
leg or something, but they did not want to give
me anesthesia, And I remember I kept screaming, I don't
want to feel the pain. I don't want to feel
the pain. I don't want to feel the pain. Like bro,
give me medicine, give me anesthesia. Numb the area. So, yes,
numbing the area that's painful before you put a needle
(04:22):
lined or do surgery or whatever. Yeah, that's good. It
is a form of protection so that we're not terrorized
by pain later, so that we're not terrorized to go
to the doctor, you know, for surgery or to get
you know, a shot or medicine, and you got to
get an IV. I get it, I get it. But
(04:43):
there are some times where you're gonna actually have to
feel the pain in order to heal the pain. I
cannot heal something that I don't feel. You cannot walk
around numb your entire life, because to me, when you're
walking around numb, that means there's some areas of healing.
And I think we lessen the quality of life when
(05:05):
we walk around just so numb and we just want
to be so disassociated. And actually disassociation is actually a
trauma response. It's what is happening to you as you
are being abused or in an unsafe environment. You literally
mentally disassociate yourself. It's like out of body. I don't
(05:28):
want to see it. I don't want to hear it,
I don't want to feel it. I remember back in
twenty eighteen, I had a moment of disassociation, and I
don't remember the phone calls made to me. I don't
remember anything that I even did in that period of time.
So you can chuckst It could be disassociation, or it
(05:49):
could even be a psychotic break, like you're so traumatized,
you just now. This is different to me blacking out
do harm to somebody else. I'm talking about what happens
when something has been done to you, or you've gotten
some news that you just couldn't handle. Have you ever
(06:10):
seen a love doing or maybe yourself when you got
news that someone passed away and it was unexpected and
you you pass out, You black out, You don't remember anything, right.
But then there's sometimes where we are aware of the moment,
(06:30):
but for the future, we just do things in our
life where we're like, you know, I don't want to
feel the pain. It's because you don't want to feel
the pain. You won't go over Grandma's house anymore because
y'all are so close, and when she passed away, you
just can't. You don't want to feel the pain. You
don't want to. You don't want to smell fried chicken
(06:51):
no more because it reminds you of your best friend,
because y'all used to smoke weed and eat chicken wings
when you had the munchies, and now they're no longer here,
or you're even someone who's actually maybe y'all broke up
and you just want to disassociate yourself from the memories,
or you want to disassociate yourself from the pain that
they caused you. I get it, but we got to
(07:15):
heal that pain so we can be able to feel
the wind on our cheeks, the sun beat on our face.
You want to be able to feel the love that
someone else is trying to give you, but because you're
so blocked off, you can't feel love. And I know
you ain't given love. So I just wanted to speak
(07:39):
into that, you know, and sometimes in order to feel
the pain to heal it, I would encourage you to
unpack that pain with someone, a professional or someone that
you deem safe. Well, what do you mean, Michelle, So
if you want to unpack your pain with someone and
process your pain with a friend. Some steps are asked
(08:00):
friend and be like, hey, I want to process something
with you, something that's just been weighing me down. But
before I unload on you emotionally, are you in a
place to help me right now? Now? You're a safe person,
And if that person is a safe person, you are
(08:20):
giving them the choice to say, of course, let's talk.
Or that person might say, hey, let me put my
kids to bed right quick, let me feed the dogs,
let me make sure my partner has eaten, and I'm
gonna call you back in an hour. Or that person
might say I want to give y'all permission to even
(08:41):
tell that person like, man, I'm in a place right
now that I can listen, But I just want to
let you know I'm in a place right now where
you might not want to hear my advice on a
situation because I'm going through it too. So I'm just
giving you variations of how to ask somebody and and
(09:03):
what a safe person's response can be. An unsafe person
will be like, man, I hope we ain't finna talk
about so and so because I told you not to
date them in the first place. See if you didn't
date them. You wouldn't be heartbroken if man I told
you not to move back to so and so. That's
unsafe a safe person. I've already given you a couple
(09:26):
variations of how a safe person will respond if you
decide you want to unpack the pain or unpacked the
pain with a professional counselor. But I really want you
to get that weight off of you. I feel like
the pain you carry is weight. It's kind of like
imagine if you're trying to walk on a beautiful beach
(09:47):
and you got buckets in your hand because you're supposed
to be collecting sand, but it's nothing but stones, and
each stone represents pain you're carrying. Each stone represents betrayal, disappointment, regret,
and it seems like it's light to carry at first,
(10:08):
but the longer you keep walking, it gets heavier. So
I want you to be able to walk through life
and unburden yourselves. I want you to lighten your load.
To my friends that are listening, who listen every week,
(10:29):
I want to call your name individually, but baby girl,
unload that pain. That pain is not your identity. It
is not who you are. The pain that someone inflicted
on you is not who you are. The disappointment you feel,
that's not your identity. You have nothing to do with that.
(10:51):
But you are responsible for your healing. You cannot put
your healing in the hands of the person that hurt
you in the first place. Nine times out of ten
they have moved on with their life. They probably don't
even know that you hurt. They hurt you because they're
so toxic, they're so used to living in dysfunction that
(11:13):
they think it's normal. No, no, no, no, no, it
is not normal. Just because you survive dysfunction, don't mean
it's normal, all right. Surviving abuse, being abused is not normal, verbally, physically,
in any kind of way. It's not cool, all right.
(11:36):
So that will get you to a place of living
and not just existing because you chose to numb yourself
because of all the pain that you're in. And maybe
maybe you're not the person in pain. Maybe you're in
relationship with someone who is and it's affecting the quality
of your relationships. And I'm not just talking about romantic relationships,
(11:58):
just people. You friends with somebody, How do you cool it?
They always come into the house down, They always negative
that they're in pain. Help them, maybe initiate the conversation
and be like, friend, it's been about four years. I
don't know whether it's been a year of four years
and we keep talking about the same thing, or I
(12:20):
knowice like you just seem so irritable, and irritability is
often mistake for anger when it's really depression, all right.
So that person could just be depressed because they haven't
had an outlet or a safe place to share you
know what they've been going through, you know what I mean.
(12:40):
My pastor said something on Sunday. He said some people
want attention, not intervention. So you gonna have those people
in your life as well, but make sure it's not you,
all right, And make sure that when a person is
talking to you, you have permission to say I hear
what you're saying, and thank you so much for sharing.
(13:01):
Are you just wanting me to listen? Or do you
want my advice? Or can I help you with a solution,
especially if you have a track record of great solutions,
Especially if you have a great track record like I'm
gonna take advice from somebody who got a life that
I want to live. Well, I guess you can also
(13:22):
listen to people who live a life you don't want
to live because of bad choices that they made. You
can look at them and be like, Okay, you a
blueprint and you out of life that I don't want
to live. But it's a possibility. Like I feel like
I have the authority to speak on areas of healing depression, anxiety.
I feel like I've walked through enough. I feel like
(13:44):
I've overcome enough. I feel like I believe, I hope
I've been a good witness to y'all about being resilient,
getting that bounced back, you know, from situations that were
meant to kill me, humiliate me, embarrass me, or make
me just want to give up on life. Through the
(14:05):
grace of God and y'all's prayers and support, oooh, I'm here.
I'm here, and there are so many other people who've
got a great track record of living this life that
you can talk to. And so I really pray that,
and I hope y'all allow me to say the word pray.
(14:27):
My prayer is that you get surrounded with safe people
and people you can trust. So, speaking of trust, I
have been reading this book called Trust by doctor Henry Cloud. Again.
The subtitle is Knowing when to give it, when to
(14:48):
withhold it, how to earn it, and how to fix
it when it gets broken. Y'all, we gotta trust. Have
you ever heard people that say, I don't trust nobody,
but you get on an airplane. You don't know the pilot,
you don't know the flight attendance, but you on that plane.
(15:11):
I don't trust nobody, but you get your food delivered.
I don't trust nobody, but you drive a car hoping
that everybody obeys the traffic signals and stop signs. Child,
you ain't got that one person, so ask them if
(15:33):
you don't trust nobody. You took the subway to work today,
did you trust the conductor and that the train would
not derail based on the people that are to ensure
that the train stays on the rail. So you trust somebody?
All right? Ain't that funny? So there are some things
(15:55):
in the book where he says we can become better
and better at knowing who is trustworthy and who is not,
and we can get better at deciding when and with
whom we will put ourselves at risk. Loving someone is
a risk. Being in relationship with some is a risk.
Chow some of your coworkers is a risk, but it
(16:20):
is a risk that majority of the time you will
find that it was a risk worth taking. There's a
part in this book that says, possibly everyone reading this book,
including me, has been victimized by a betrayal, small or
large that still stings. We all have our stories of
(16:42):
misplaced trust. We either missed warning signs and moved forward
when we shouldn't have, or worse, the warning signs were
not visible, y'all. I definitely moved forward on something when
I shouldn't have. Before, I moved forward on doing a
reality show when something in the pit of my stomach
(17:05):
said do not do it, and we did it anyway,
And I think we both did it because we were like, no,
this is just the first time of doing something like this.
We're just afraid. No, No, God was trying to protect.
He was trying to protect so much in that season
(17:27):
of my life, but I did not heed to that warning,
missing warning signs. This book says everything about the situation
looked good on the surface, and maybe it was, but
we got burned. Anyway, when we look back, we say
to ourselves, I just didn't see that coming, or how
could they have done that to me? We were such
(17:48):
good friends or lovers or partners. How could they have
treated me that way? And sometimes it is not even
an actual betrayal, but someone's honest inability to do what
we need. We don't have good answers, but we do
have scars. I promise you that you will never be
(18:09):
betrayed or let down again after reading this book. Okay.
One of the goals of the book is to equip
you to know how to read between the lines of
what someone tells you, tries to sell you, or promises you,
and to be able to see what is trustworthy and
what is not. Listen, I got to have him on
(18:29):
the podcast. But this blessed me so much and blessed
me so much, especially when you are in a situation
where you're like, Okay, I don't trust, but I want
to trust. This book even says that trust muscles can
be repaired. Isn't that encouraging because maybe you were the
(18:54):
person that inflicted pain, right, and so you are working
to establish trust in a relationship again, And so I
was encouraged. You know when he said in the book
that trust muscles can be repaired. You gotta heal first,
get past the anger and need for revenge and forgive,
(19:18):
ponder and determine its reconciliation possible, and then a new
track record being built. So while you're building those trust muscles,
somebody should be able to look back and say, ma'am,
you really hurt me, or you really disappointed me, but
your track record these past six months or this past
year has helped me rebuild my trust in you. Listen,
(19:41):
you ain't perfect. I'm not perfect. I'm gonna I'm gonna
need someone to trust me again. And I have been
in that place where I needed someone to trust me again.
And I love I love love, love, love, love love.
The five essentials of trust, He says that you can
trust someone when you feel your needs or understood, felt
(20:04):
and cared about. So that's understanding. The second essential love
trust is motive, when he says you can trust someone
when you feel their motive is for you, not just
for themselves. I have been in situations where I've been
asked to do something and I be like, now, how
(20:24):
that's gonna work out for me? What's in it for me? Now?
There are moments where you do do things for people
because you're like, God's been so good to me. I
don't need nothing out of this. I'm gonna show up,
I'm there, let's go. But then there are some people
you're like, they kind of got an opportuneist spirit on them, right,
So you can trust someone when you feel that even
(20:45):
when they ask of you to do something, you still
feel like their motive is for you and not just
for themselves. A thirty central love trust is ability. You
can trust someone when you feel they have the ability
or capacity to guard and deliver results for what you
have and trusted to them. Okay, some of y'all are
(21:06):
in partnership with a friend loved one, y'all are opening
up a business. Uh, y'all decided, Hey, we gonna do
a food truck, or we gonna have a dance group,
or we're gonna design clothes together. And they keep missing deadlines,
your trust is eventually waning or they barely meet the deadline,
(21:29):
and you're like, I don't trust that you're gonna deliver.
I don't trust that you can do this work. So
another essential trust is the ability do they have the
ability to deliver results for what you've been trusted them
to do. Maybe you have a company and you've hired
someone and they keep dropping the ball. The amazing thing
about this book is just not trust as it relates
(21:51):
to romantic partners or family. It's also for leaders. It's
also for business owners. It's you know, you're like, Yo,
I got employees and do what keep dropping the ball?
I'm starting to lose trust in them. Baby, Listen, they
gotta know honey, you lose and trust in them and
they finna lose what they say you about to lose
(22:11):
your job. Uh. The fourthy center of trust is character.
You can trust someone who has the character or personal
makeup needed for what you and trust them with Trusting
someone who has the character. Ooh. Character is so important
(22:32):
because it's not it's not what you do really on stage,
it's how are you off the stage? It's not what
you do in front of everybody? What are you like
behind closed doors? Hey? I know for me, that's something
(22:53):
you gotta work on every day because I don't want
to be the person where it's like the world adores me,
but my kids one day or my husband one day
is live. But she was a witch at home? You
know what I mean? Like, no, no, no, you will
all of that to match. No, it's all gotta make sense.
Character the fifth essentials of trust is you can trust
(23:18):
someone who has a track record of performing in the
ways you need them to perform. Track record, all right,
you can trust someone who has the track record of
just showing up when people say they're gonna do something.
They're there, you're getting ready to move, and someone says, okay,
I'm a beat, I may help you pack it all up,
and I'm gonna let you use my truck and we
(23:41):
and then they don't show up, they don't call, and
they've done this like twice on you. Mm hmmm. Y'all.
It blessed me so much. And the five essentials of
trust again, those five essentials are under standing, motive, ability, character,
(24:03):
and track record. But y'all, it made me ask two
questions of myself. It made me ask who is in
my life that has these five essentials? Who is in
your life that has those five essentials? And then the
other question I had was do I carry these essentials
(24:25):
in me? Can people say that I have those five
essentials of trust? I've been big on talking about setting boundaries, right,
but like, how many people have maybe had to set
a boundary with me? Say I'm setting boundaries? I don't
(24:45):
trust nobody. Well, do people trust you? Do you carry
those five trust essentials? Can people say your motive is pure?
Can people say that you show up? Can people say
you know what so and so is a hot mess?
(25:05):
But they are consistent, they got my back. I'm so grateful.
I know I got at least one hand of people
that I can name right now that are consistent. We
might not talk every day every week, but they are
(25:29):
consistent in showing up. They are consistent in how they
move towards me and with me. I'm thankful, I'm super thankful.
But I always got to make sure that that level
of trust and how I need people to show up
for me. I gotta make sure that I show up
(25:50):
for them and don't just show up when it's convenient.
Isn't it something where you're like, you know, I got
a call off work, but I'm gonna be there for
you in your time need. I'm gonna take a vacation
day and I'm gonna be there. Somebody might lost their parents,
lost a loved one, or lost a job and they're
going through depression. Can you show up for somebody? Can
(26:12):
you instacart them some some groceries? Child? I don't never
forget during COVID, if folks that I knew were sick,
I'd be like, well, at least let me send you
some ginger rell because I ain't coming to your house.
But let me send you this good old chicken soup
and some turmeric and ginger probiotic. You know them little
(26:33):
drinks that you can just shoot them and just swallow
them in like two seconds. Yeah, that's me. That's me.
I'm gonna send you some groceries in a minute, now,
that's me. But as you get older, you really value
and cherish relationships more than ever before. I really value
and cherish the relationships that I have, and I certainly
(27:00):
lead value you. I really do. I certainly value the
relationships that I have with you, guys, and truly truly thankful.
So let me know. When it comes to trust, it's
not a game. It says to trust is human. When
(27:21):
we can't trust, we lose a lot of the human experience.
He's a psychologist, so he was saying, how you might
have heard of mirror neurons. They are another example of
how we are wired for trust. In the most basic terms,
neurons function as communicators in the body. They receive and
(27:43):
transmit information and stimuli. I mean he's going really, really,
really really into it, he says. The brain of the
person we are talking to forms a connection with us
and mirrors our feelings and expressions in a deep natural
bond that call this is the two of us to
connect even more deeply. Love, growth, faith, physical health, economic success,
(28:08):
and more. These all run on trust, and without trust,
things stagnate or even die. When we realize that trust
is not optional, that all of human life is designed
and wired to only work when we trust, we begin
to treat trust with the utmost respect. Listen, trust, It
(28:33):
sounds like to me, trust is a gift and we
just got to know when to give it, when to
withhold it. Trust is a gift, how to earn it,
and how to fix it when it gets broken. If
someone you love has broken their trust with you, but
you want to trust them again, or you want them
(28:56):
to make sure that they're building that track record of trust,
I would say get this book. Trust, Doctor HERRYT. Cloud
is a trusted voice. And so I want to say
this before I go. I want to apologize to you.
If you feel like no one has apologized to you
for the area that you were disappointed in a betrayal
(29:18):
of trust. I want to apologize to you, and I
want to encourage you to start working on the healing
journey on your own. Because some of us are upset
about apologies. We will never get all right, So I
want you to thrive. I want you to live. I
don't want you to just walk around here numb and
(29:41):
just existing like a zombie. Matter of fact, listen to
JJ Harriston's song. It's called You're Gonna Live because you're
gonna live to see it happen. You're gonna live to
see you trusting again. You're gonna live to see you
loving again. You're gonna see you thriving again, all right,
(30:01):
and you're gonna see you picking up that area where
you had big dreams and you just set it down
because you don't trust. No, that's not gonna be your portion.
Because by the end of this year, I pray to
get one testimony from this episode that you've decided to
(30:21):
live and trust. I truly, truly, hope and pray that
this episode touched your heart. Maybe is helping you and
causing you to think of things in another way as
it relates to trust, who to trust when to trust,
should you trust ever again, and that you begin to
(30:41):
live life. If you are one of the ones who
have just been kind of walking through life, existing and
just kind of numb to everything, because that's how you've
chosen to protect yourself. Always know that I love you.
You are so loved. If you need any resources, please
don't hesitate to DM me on Instagram. My instagram is
(31:02):
at Michelle Williams. All Right. I love y'all so so much,
and thank you for tuning in to another episode of
Checking In. Checking In with Michelle Williams is a production
(31:49):
of iHeartRadio and The Black Effect. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio,
visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen
to your favorite shows.
Welcome to Checking In with Michelle Williams, a production of
iHeartRadio and The Black Effect. Listen if you think you
(00:20):
just need, you know, a little wisdom, some encouragement, this
is the episode for you to listen to. We're gonna
talk about all things trust, the difference between living and
just existing. I just felt the need to encourage some
of the listeners out there. Y'all have been rocking with
(00:42):
me now for three years, and I say it every episode.
I don't take your listening and you're downloading the episodes
for granted at all, Maybe tug on a friend and
tell them, hey, this episode is for you. All right, y'all,
we are really in the month of May. It really
(01:03):
is the fifth month of twenty twenty three, y'all. This
month is moving, This year is moving, and I hope
you're moving with it. I began to think about the
difference between living and existing and just trying to gauge
the areas that I've just been existing in and areas
(01:25):
that I think I'm thriving in, thriving and living because
life is going to always present a set of challenges,
and my desire is for divine strategy and divine wisdom
on how to navigate the obstacles and challenges that come
my way, not only divine wisdom and strategies on how
(01:49):
to overcome those obstacles. It's like, okay, also, Lord place
divine help around me. But that is going to require trust,
which I think I've said before, I haven't had an assistant. Ooh,
I haven't had a real assistant in over ten years
(02:13):
because of my lack of trust. And I've got to
get over that. I've got to give people an opportunity
not to prove themselves, because I wouldn't want anyone to
work for me and think they have to perform for
my trust. Now what do I mean perform? Well, let
me do this to make sure that she no, no,
no, no no. I want you to be you. And I've
(02:33):
been reading this book. It's a brand new book by
doctor Henry Cloud called Trust. So y'all know doctor Henry
Cloud is one of my favorite author of Safe People
and Boundaries. He's got a few different versions of boundaries.
He's got a boundaries and dating boundary. I mean just
(02:53):
so many. He's the bomb, amazing great psychologists, but he
talks to you in a practical way. He's from Louisiana,
So he's got a definite down to earth approach. And
the subtitle of his book Trust is called knowing when
to give it, when to withhold it, how to earn it,
and how to fix it when it gets broken. So
I'm going to dive into some of those excerpts later.
(03:15):
But I was trying to just figure out areas that
I'm thriving in and then areas where, man, have I
just gotten so numb in certain areas, And so I
just felt led to encourage some folks out there who
are kind of walking through life a little numb, because
that's how you've chosen to protect yourself. You know, like
(03:36):
when you go to the doctor and they have to
give you a shot, or you're getting some dental work
done and you gotta get a shot so they'll numb
the area, and it's kind of like for your protection,
so that you don't feel the pain. I will never
forget a couple of years ago, I had a dream
that I was being rolled into a surgical room and
I was getting surgery or they were gonna cut a
(04:00):
leg or something, but they did not want to give
me anesthesia, And I remember I kept screaming, I don't
want to feel the pain. I don't want to feel
the pain. I don't want to feel the pain. Like bro,
give me medicine, give me anesthesia. Numb the area. So, yes,
numbing the area that's painful before you put a needle
(04:22):
lined or do surgery or whatever. Yeah, that's good. It
is a form of protection so that we're not terrorized
by pain later, so that we're not terrorized to go
to the doctor, you know, for surgery or to get
you know, a shot or medicine, and you got to
get an IV. I get it, I get it. But
(04:43):
there are some times where you're gonna actually have to
feel the pain in order to heal the pain. I
cannot heal something that I don't feel. You cannot walk
around numb your entire life, because to me, when you're
walking around numb, that means there's some areas of healing.
And I think we lessen the quality of life when
(05:05):
we walk around just so numb and we just want
to be so disassociated. And actually disassociation is actually a
trauma response. It's what is happening to you as you
are being abused or in an unsafe environment. You literally
mentally disassociate yourself. It's like out of body. I don't
(05:28):
want to see it. I don't want to hear it,
I don't want to feel it. I remember back in
twenty eighteen, I had a moment of disassociation, and I
don't remember the phone calls made to me. I don't
remember anything that I even did in that period of time.
So you can chuckst It could be disassociation, or it
(05:49):
could even be a psychotic break, like you're so traumatized,
you just now. This is different to me blacking out
do harm to somebody else. I'm talking about what happens
when something has been done to you, or you've gotten
some news that you just couldn't handle. Have you ever
(06:10):
seen a love doing or maybe yourself when you got
news that someone passed away and it was unexpected and
you you pass out, You black out, You don't remember anything, right.
But then there's sometimes where we are aware of the moment,
(06:30):
but for the future, we just do things in our
life where we're like, you know, I don't want to
feel the pain. It's because you don't want to feel
the pain. You won't go over Grandma's house anymore because
y'all are so close, and when she passed away, you
just can't. You don't want to feel the pain. You
don't want to. You don't want to smell fried chicken
(06:51):
no more because it reminds you of your best friend,
because y'all used to smoke weed and eat chicken wings
when you had the munchies, and now they're no longer here,
or you're even someone who's actually maybe y'all broke up
and you just want to disassociate yourself from the memories,
or you want to disassociate yourself from the pain that
they caused you. I get it, but we got to
(07:15):
heal that pain so we can be able to feel
the wind on our cheeks, the sun beat on our face.
You want to be able to feel the love that
someone else is trying to give you, but because you're
so blocked off, you can't feel love. And I know
you ain't given love. So I just wanted to speak
(07:39):
into that, you know, and sometimes in order to feel
the pain to heal it, I would encourage you to
unpack that pain with someone, a professional or someone that
you deem safe. Well, what do you mean, Michelle, So
if you want to unpack your pain with someone and
process your pain with a friend. Some steps are asked
(08:00):
friend and be like, hey, I want to process something
with you, something that's just been weighing me down. But
before I unload on you emotionally, are you in a
place to help me right now? Now? You're a safe person,
And if that person is a safe person, you are
(08:20):
giving them the choice to say, of course, let's talk.
Or that person might say, hey, let me put my
kids to bed right quick, let me feed the dogs,
let me make sure my partner has eaten, and I'm
gonna call you back in an hour. Or that person
might say I want to give y'all permission to even
(08:41):
tell that person like, man, I'm in a place right
now that I can listen, But I just want to
let you know I'm in a place right now where
you might not want to hear my advice on a
situation because I'm going through it too. So I'm just
giving you variations of how to ask somebody and and
(09:03):
what a safe person's response can be. An unsafe person
will be like, man, I hope we ain't finna talk
about so and so because I told you not to
date them in the first place. See if you didn't
date them. You wouldn't be heartbroken if man I told
you not to move back to so and so. That's
unsafe a safe person. I've already given you a couple
(09:26):
variations of how a safe person will respond if you
decide you want to unpack the pain or unpacked the
pain with a professional counselor. But I really want you
to get that weight off of you. I feel like
the pain you carry is weight. It's kind of like
imagine if you're trying to walk on a beautiful beach
(09:47):
and you got buckets in your hand because you're supposed
to be collecting sand, but it's nothing but stones, and
each stone represents pain you're carrying. Each stone represents betrayal, disappointment, regret,
and it seems like it's light to carry at first,
(10:08):
but the longer you keep walking, it gets heavier. So
I want you to be able to walk through life
and unburden yourselves. I want you to lighten your load.
To my friends that are listening, who listen every week,
(10:29):
I want to call your name individually, but baby girl,
unload that pain. That pain is not your identity. It
is not who you are. The pain that someone inflicted
on you is not who you are. The disappointment you feel,
that's not your identity. You have nothing to do with that.
(10:51):
But you are responsible for your healing. You cannot put
your healing in the hands of the person that hurt
you in the first place. Nine times out of ten
they have moved on with their life. They probably don't
even know that you hurt. They hurt you because they're
so toxic, they're so used to living in dysfunction that
(11:13):
they think it's normal. No, no, no, no, no, it
is not normal. Just because you survive dysfunction, don't mean
it's normal, all right. Surviving abuse, being abused is not normal, verbally, physically,
in any kind of way. It's not cool, all right.
(11:36):
So that will get you to a place of living
and not just existing because you chose to numb yourself
because of all the pain that you're in. And maybe
maybe you're not the person in pain. Maybe you're in
relationship with someone who is and it's affecting the quality
of your relationships. And I'm not just talking about romantic relationships,
(11:58):
just people. You friends with somebody, How do you cool it?
They always come into the house down, They always negative
that they're in pain. Help them, maybe initiate the conversation
and be like, friend, it's been about four years. I
don't know whether it's been a year of four years
and we keep talking about the same thing, or I
(12:20):
knowice like you just seem so irritable, and irritability is
often mistake for anger when it's really depression, all right.
So that person could just be depressed because they haven't
had an outlet or a safe place to share you
know what they've been going through, you know what I mean.
(12:40):
My pastor said something on Sunday. He said some people
want attention, not intervention. So you gonna have those people
in your life as well, but make sure it's not you,
all right, And make sure that when a person is
talking to you, you have permission to say I hear
what you're saying, and thank you so much for sharing.
(13:01):
Are you just wanting me to listen? Or do you
want my advice? Or can I help you with a solution,
especially if you have a track record of great solutions,
Especially if you have a great track record like I'm
gonna take advice from somebody who got a life that
I want to live. Well, I guess you can also
(13:22):
listen to people who live a life you don't want
to live because of bad choices that they made. You
can look at them and be like, Okay, you a
blueprint and you out of life that I don't want
to live. But it's a possibility. Like I feel like
I have the authority to speak on areas of healing depression, anxiety.
I feel like I've walked through enough. I feel like
(13:44):
I've overcome enough. I feel like I believe, I hope
I've been a good witness to y'all about being resilient,
getting that bounced back, you know, from situations that were
meant to kill me, humiliate me, embarrass me, or make
me just want to give up on life. Through the
(14:05):
grace of God and y'all's prayers and support, oooh, I'm here.
I'm here, and there are so many other people who've
got a great track record of living this life that
you can talk to. And so I really pray that,
and I hope y'all allow me to say the word pray.
(14:27):
My prayer is that you get surrounded with safe people
and people you can trust. So, speaking of trust, I
have been reading this book called Trust by doctor Henry Cloud. Again.
The subtitle is Knowing when to give it, when to
(14:48):
withhold it, how to earn it, and how to fix
it when it gets broken. Y'all, we gotta trust. Have
you ever heard people that say, I don't trust nobody,
but you get on an airplane. You don't know the pilot,
you don't know the flight attendance, but you on that plane.
(15:11):
I don't trust nobody, but you get your food delivered.
I don't trust nobody, but you drive a car hoping
that everybody obeys the traffic signals and stop signs. Child,
you ain't got that one person, so ask them if
(15:33):
you don't trust nobody. You took the subway to work today,
did you trust the conductor and that the train would
not derail based on the people that are to ensure
that the train stays on the rail. So you trust somebody?
All right? Ain't that funny? So there are some things
(15:55):
in the book where he says we can become better
and better at knowing who is trustworthy and who is not,
and we can get better at deciding when and with
whom we will put ourselves at risk. Loving someone is
a risk. Being in relationship with some is a risk.
Chow some of your coworkers is a risk, but it
(16:20):
is a risk that majority of the time you will
find that it was a risk worth taking. There's a
part in this book that says, possibly everyone reading this book,
including me, has been victimized by a betrayal, small or
large that still stings. We all have our stories of
(16:42):
misplaced trust. We either missed warning signs and moved forward
when we shouldn't have, or worse, the warning signs were
not visible, y'all. I definitely moved forward on something when
I shouldn't have. Before, I moved forward on doing a
reality show when something in the pit of my stomach
(17:05):
said do not do it, and we did it anyway,
And I think we both did it because we were like, no,
this is just the first time of doing something like this.
We're just afraid. No, No, God was trying to protect.
He was trying to protect so much in that season
(17:27):
of my life, but I did not heed to that warning,
missing warning signs. This book says everything about the situation
looked good on the surface, and maybe it was, but
we got burned. Anyway, when we look back, we say
to ourselves, I just didn't see that coming, or how
could they have done that to me? We were such
(17:48):
good friends or lovers or partners. How could they have
treated me that way? And sometimes it is not even
an actual betrayal, but someone's honest inability to do what
we need. We don't have good answers, but we do
have scars. I promise you that you will never be
(18:09):
betrayed or let down again after reading this book. Okay.
One of the goals of the book is to equip
you to know how to read between the lines of
what someone tells you, tries to sell you, or promises you,
and to be able to see what is trustworthy and
what is not. Listen, I got to have him on
(18:29):
the podcast. But this blessed me so much and blessed
me so much, especially when you are in a situation
where you're like, Okay, I don't trust, but I want
to trust. This book even says that trust muscles can
be repaired. Isn't that encouraging because maybe you were the
(18:54):
person that inflicted pain, right, and so you are working
to establish trust in a relationship again, And so I
was encouraged. You know when he said in the book
that trust muscles can be repaired. You gotta heal first,
get past the anger and need for revenge and forgive,
(19:18):
ponder and determine its reconciliation possible, and then a new
track record being built. So while you're building those trust muscles,
somebody should be able to look back and say, ma'am,
you really hurt me, or you really disappointed me, but
your track record these past six months or this past
year has helped me rebuild my trust in you. Listen,
(19:41):
you ain't perfect. I'm not perfect. I'm gonna I'm gonna
need someone to trust me again. And I have been
in that place where I needed someone to trust me again.
And I love I love love, love, love, love love.
The five essentials of trust, He says that you can
trust someone when you feel your needs or understood, felt
(20:04):
and cared about. So that's understanding. The second essential love
trust is motive, when he says you can trust someone
when you feel their motive is for you, not just
for themselves. I have been in situations where I've been
asked to do something and I be like, now, how
(20:24):
that's gonna work out for me? What's in it for me? Now?
There are moments where you do do things for people
because you're like, God's been so good to me. I
don't need nothing out of this. I'm gonna show up,
I'm there, let's go. But then there are some people
you're like, they kind of got an opportuneist spirit on them, right,
So you can trust someone when you feel that even
(20:45):
when they ask of you to do something, you still
feel like their motive is for you and not just
for themselves. A thirty central love trust is ability. You
can trust someone when you feel they have the ability
or capacity to guard and deliver results for what you
have and trusted to them. Okay, some of y'all are
(21:06):
in partnership with a friend loved one, y'all are opening
up a business. Uh, y'all decided, Hey, we gonna do
a food truck, or we gonna have a dance group,
or we're gonna design clothes together. And they keep missing deadlines,
your trust is eventually waning or they barely meet the deadline,
(21:29):
and you're like, I don't trust that you're gonna deliver.
I don't trust that you can do this work. So
another essential trust is the ability do they have the
ability to deliver results for what you've been trusted them
to do. Maybe you have a company and you've hired
someone and they keep dropping the ball. The amazing thing
about this book is just not trust as it relates
(21:51):
to romantic partners or family. It's also for leaders. It's
also for business owners. It's you know, you're like, Yo,
I got employees and do what keep dropping the ball?
I'm starting to lose trust in them. Baby, Listen, they
gotta know honey, you lose and trust in them and
they finna lose what they say you about to lose
(22:11):
your job. Uh. The fourthy center of trust is character.
You can trust someone who has the character or personal
makeup needed for what you and trust them with Trusting
someone who has the character. Ooh. Character is so important
(22:32):
because it's not it's not what you do really on stage,
it's how are you off the stage? It's not what
you do in front of everybody? What are you like
behind closed doors? Hey? I know for me, that's something
(22:53):
you gotta work on every day because I don't want
to be the person where it's like the world adores me,
but my kids one day or my husband one day
is live. But she was a witch at home? You
know what I mean? Like, no, no, no, you will
all of that to match. No, it's all gotta make sense.
Character the fifth essentials of trust is you can trust
(23:18):
someone who has a track record of performing in the
ways you need them to perform. Track record, all right,
you can trust someone who has the track record of
just showing up when people say they're gonna do something.
They're there, you're getting ready to move, and someone says, okay,
I'm a beat, I may help you pack it all up,
and I'm gonna let you use my truck and we
(23:41):
and then they don't show up, they don't call, and
they've done this like twice on you. Mm hmmm. Y'all.
It blessed me so much. And the five essentials of
trust again, those five essentials are under standing, motive, ability, character,
(24:03):
and track record. But y'all, it made me ask two
questions of myself. It made me ask who is in
my life that has these five essentials? Who is in
your life that has those five essentials? And then the
other question I had was do I carry these essentials
(24:25):
in me? Can people say that I have those five
essentials of trust? I've been big on talking about setting boundaries, right,
but like, how many people have maybe had to set
a boundary with me? Say I'm setting boundaries? I don't
(24:45):
trust nobody. Well, do people trust you? Do you carry
those five trust essentials? Can people say your motive is pure?
Can people say that you show up? Can people say
you know what so and so is a hot mess?
(25:05):
But they are consistent, they got my back. I'm so grateful.
I know I got at least one hand of people
that I can name right now that are consistent. We
might not talk every day every week, but they are
(25:29):
consistent in showing up. They are consistent in how they
move towards me and with me. I'm thankful, I'm super thankful.
But I always got to make sure that that level
of trust and how I need people to show up
for me. I gotta make sure that I show up
(25:50):
for them and don't just show up when it's convenient.
Isn't it something where you're like, you know, I got
a call off work, but I'm gonna be there for
you in your time need. I'm gonna take a vacation
day and I'm gonna be there. Somebody might lost their parents,
lost a loved one, or lost a job and they're
going through depression. Can you show up for somebody? Can
(26:12):
you instacart them some some groceries? Child? I don't never
forget during COVID, if folks that I knew were sick,
I'd be like, well, at least let me send you
some ginger rell because I ain't coming to your house.
But let me send you this good old chicken soup
and some turmeric and ginger probiotic. You know them little
(26:33):
drinks that you can just shoot them and just swallow
them in like two seconds. Yeah, that's me. That's me.
I'm gonna send you some groceries in a minute, now,
that's me. But as you get older, you really value
and cherish relationships more than ever before. I really value
and cherish the relationships that I have, and I certainly
(27:00):
lead value you. I really do. I certainly value the
relationships that I have with you, guys, and truly truly thankful.
So let me know. When it comes to trust, it's
not a game. It says to trust is human. When
(27:21):
we can't trust, we lose a lot of the human experience.
He's a psychologist, so he was saying, how you might
have heard of mirror neurons. They are another example of
how we are wired for trust. In the most basic terms,
neurons function as communicators in the body. They receive and
(27:43):
transmit information and stimuli. I mean he's going really, really,
really really into it, he says. The brain of the
person we are talking to forms a connection with us
and mirrors our feelings and expressions in a deep natural
bond that call this is the two of us to
connect even more deeply. Love, growth, faith, physical health, economic success,
(28:08):
and more. These all run on trust, and without trust,
things stagnate or even die. When we realize that trust
is not optional, that all of human life is designed
and wired to only work when we trust, we begin
to treat trust with the utmost respect. Listen, trust, It
(28:33):
sounds like to me, trust is a gift and we
just got to know when to give it, when to
withhold it. Trust is a gift, how to earn it,
and how to fix it when it gets broken. If
someone you love has broken their trust with you, but
you want to trust them again, or you want them
(28:56):
to make sure that they're building that track record of trust,
I would say get this book. Trust, Doctor HERRYT. Cloud
is a trusted voice. And so I want to say
this before I go. I want to apologize to you.
If you feel like no one has apologized to you
for the area that you were disappointed in a betrayal
(29:18):
of trust. I want to apologize to you, and I
want to encourage you to start working on the healing
journey on your own. Because some of us are upset
about apologies. We will never get all right, So I
want you to thrive. I want you to live. I
don't want you to just walk around here numb and
(29:41):
just existing like a zombie. Matter of fact, listen to
JJ Harriston's song. It's called You're Gonna Live because you're
gonna live to see it happen. You're gonna live to
see you trusting again. You're gonna live to see you
loving again. You're gonna see you thriving again, all right,
(30:01):
and you're gonna see you picking up that area where
you had big dreams and you just set it down
because you don't trust. No, that's not gonna be your portion.
Because by the end of this year, I pray to
get one testimony from this episode that you've decided to
(30:21):
live and trust. I truly, truly, hope and pray that
this episode touched your heart. Maybe is helping you and
causing you to think of things in another way as
it relates to trust, who to trust when to trust,
should you trust ever again, and that you begin to
(30:41):
live life. If you are one of the ones who
have just been kind of walking through life, existing and
just kind of numb to everything, because that's how you've
chosen to protect yourself. Always know that I love you.
You are so loved. If you need any resources, please
don't hesitate to DM me on Instagram. My instagram is
(31:02):
at Michelle Williams. All Right. I love y'all so so much,
and thank you for tuning in to another episode of
Checking In. Checking In with Michelle Williams is a production
(31:49):
of iHeartRadio and The Black Effect. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio,
visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen
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