Bullets and Birthday Cake

Old Chile brings the party—and a handful of .22 bullets—to a not-so-peaceful sixth birthday bash. With tap shoes for Lucy, a bullhorn for Brian, and four shiny cartridges tucked under his tongue, Chile manages to dodge Simon Says, fake-swallow live ammo, and send a roomful of moms into a frenzy. A call to Goose Creek Hospital, a dramatic drive, and a very smug confession later… let’s just say no one blew out more candles than Chile did that day.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Now again. It's old Chili coming back at you. And
I got a little story today. Baut bullets and birthday cakes.
Nice combination, yes me. Hope you enjoy it, and please
don't hold it against me. Oh lord, what a life, guys,

(00:21):
what a life I've bed? Thank you. It's a little
of them. This little story is called how many bullets?
For good reason? Drew, what do you have in your mouth?
Now that's me. I'm Chili, but I was Chris and
Drew anyway, I stuck you out my tongue. It showed

(00:46):
the four twenty two caliber bullets to missus Lines. Yes, sir,
Oh my god, how many are there? I knew that
there were four, but I showed her five fingers. That's
how I chose to perk up an unusually dull children's

(01:07):
birthday party. This is Lines. Twins Lucy and Brian were
the same age as I was, round five, and I
was invited to their birthday party celebrating their six year
on the planet. It all went well. I turned six

(01:27):
in four months. Mother stopped for presents for the twins
that I found tap shoes for Lucy and a bull
horned for Brian. Old lucky, Lucky miss Lines. Yep, she
was called that by a few lucky lines. Mother always
loved to give kids things that were noise making and

(01:52):
peace disrupting presents. I suppose she wanted the mothers to
have the same little misery that she was accustomed to
from me. The party day arrived, and before I was
dressed for the party, I searched by stash of hidden
treasures in the closet for something to take. Matches, screwdriver,

(02:15):
claw hammer were all available. I chose and took it.
I chose to look elsewhere. My grandfather, Daddy Max, had
his woodworking shop in his garage behind the house. This
was his domain and smelled of sawdust, stale beer, and

(02:36):
old cigarettes. It was his work bench that There was
a drawer that had a hodgepodge of old possessions. The
drawer rise searched for an appropriate party favor. There were
old beer canned tops from Pearl Beer match books with
naked winning on them on the cover, had a box

(02:59):
of twenty two long bullet cartridges. Well, that did it.
That's what I'd take four shells to the party. Mother
stopped the plymouth in front of Miss Lyon's white as
bestic sided house. She remembered my trick of ordering mustard
on a party ice cream and Randy Dyer's little party

(03:24):
of the month before through. Now you give the twins
of presents and you be a good boy. I guess
for a change, she said, knowing the last part of
the request would probably not happen. I got out of
the car and walked up the steps to the party.

(03:45):
I hated pin the tail on the donkey, and that
was what was going on when I arrived. I also
know that Simon Says, which I hated even more, was
not far behind. Between the games, Miss Lions and all
the kids sang Happy Birthday to the twins. This was

(04:09):
the cue to have the cake and ice cream and
for me to step up the party fund. Miss Lyons
saw me reach into my pocket and put something in
my mouth. That's when she asked that question. I had
four bullets wresting on my protruding tongue and I showed

(04:30):
five fingers when she asked how many? Now, spit them out?
Sped them out? She demanded, how many were there? I
said five? But I only see four bullets. True, and
I as well. I don't know, Miss Lyons. I you

(04:52):
know I knew no one was gonna spam me for
fear of discharging one of the missing bullet inside of me.
This situation was kind of like a get out of
jail free just for me. She called my mother, Catherine,
your swam son, Drew has swallowed a bullet. Should I

(05:16):
call an ambulance? Oh boy? The story was recanded to
my mama. No, I'll be there in five minutes. Mom said.
Five minutes seemed like two as Mom flew to save
my life. Here are the four bullets. I had him
spit out. The indicated he had five. Miss Lyon said,

(05:40):
I think he must have swallowed the other one. I'll
take him to the hospital for an X ray. Mama replied.
We got into the car and started the trip to
the Goose Creek hospital. Mom, I really only had four bullets.
I didn't have five. I confessed. I didn't have an

(06:01):
X ray or a spanking. The likelihood of that fifth
bullet was slim butt possible. They would wait until it passed.
I had dodged another bullet, so to speak, and had
my fun at the birthday party. It didn't have to
play that damn. Simon says, well, that's old chili. Sign

(06:25):
it off, chill out Peace, and please watch those intersections