The Gelding

Old Chile lifts the curtain on one of life’s more delicate adventures: his very own vasectomy, or as he calls it—The Gelding. With plenty of pre-op “research” (read: beers and bad advice), a homegrown shave job, and enough one-liners to keep the surgical staff blushing, Chile turns a nerve-wracking rite of passage into a comedy of errors. From pink Easter egg jokes to post-op lightning bolts, this is a tale of bravery, humility, and exactly two too many cocktails. Buckle up—it’s a cut above the rest.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Ain't kids. It's old Jelly back at you, and I've
got one for you today. It's kind of a peak
behind the curtain of old Chile's personal life, and I
think you'll enjoy it. And that it's called the Gelding
and early end of this story. I guarantee you you

(00:22):
will understand the title. It was early nineteen seventy nine
and I had decided it was time to join my
brothers in the fellowship of the guilded of asectomy was
in my immediate future. My kids, Amy and Andrew are

(00:46):
wonderful examples of love and responsibility. In other words, two
children equal to family complete. As with the case in
all my Big Lafe's decisions, I did extensive research to
help with a choice. The information gathering included quantities of

(01:06):
beer cocktails, stories from my ineliated buddies about their vasectomy experiences.
One pal, George, had experienced the gelding and he told me, Oh,
don't be afraid of the cutting. It's a piece of cake.
He went into more detail. I had a little swelling

(01:27):
one of my nuts, God had as big as a grapefruit.
In the other one really got big. Oh joy, I
thought I mixed up another toxic nectar. He did recommend
demerol to ease the pre surgery nerves, so I had
that on the top of my list. I did not
want to have this delicate procedure performed in a simple

(01:51):
exam room in a doctor's office. I required, requested, and
received a spot on a schedule an operating room in
Sanja Center Hospital in Beytown, Texas. The night before the operation,
I prepped myself at home with my own family safety razor.

(02:14):
George also told me they used straight ragers shave him
in the hospital, and I wanted I want nothing to
do with a weapon like that and unfamiliar hands. I
must say my work was artistic and complete. I was
ready for the journey, well so I thought. The next morning,

(02:36):
I drove myself to the hospital, registered and put on
that drafty little gown, and nurse arrived shortly and put
an ivy in my arm. She had a hypodermic needle
full of something they called the full treatment. I asked
if it was demerol, and she said yes, it was.
I was soon wheeling down the hall, looking up at

(02:59):
the fluorescent lights and exit signs and ceiling tiles like
the opening scene from doctor ben Casey. The demarroll was working,
and I was willing to have them cut any damn
thing they wanted to off of me. I was a
pretty good mood. The orderly parked me outside of the

(03:19):
operating room next to an older woman on a gurney.
It was just like mine. I was sporting this magnificent
smile and reeked of good will. When I asked the lady, Hey,
what are you in here for? Girl? I further charmed
her by saying I'm gonna get fixed in about ten minutes.

(03:41):
She moaned and rolled her backside toward me. Towards me,
I felt quite fortunate. She had a sheet draped over.
Two ladies dressed in green scrubbies with little hats that
match came in and rolled me in the operating room.
Numero Uno would have nothing less. I was there, the

(04:02):
bright light was shining, and I was the star of
the show. One of the ladies pulled back the sheet
and liked the little down up, exposing the target area
for I dine painting there. I was in the cold
operating room with fu shit colored possessions, and I asked
the ladies, Hey, if you gals ever seen one like that? Before.

(04:27):
One of them then replied, you know, it's always cold
in here. That didn't stop my flirting, though. What does
it look like down there, girls? One of them answered,
my mind looks like a basket of little pinkyas trees.
Oh boy, I'm a lot of fun sometimes, I know.

(04:48):
I had a little time to continue with my fun
before doctor Lynn Hodges entered my personal retreat. I had
known Lynn from the baytoan little theater group requested he
applied his steady handed surgical skills to my case. Hell
old drew, he said, look at me over, who prepped you?

(05:09):
That was a that's a great job. You know, I
didn't hesitate. I had it done yesterday at lunch at
the Trophy barbershop by Old buck Linn said, well that's
the first he bomped. He commented, I'm going to give
you a little local to help with the pain. I said,

(05:31):
just a second, Linn, just a second. I want to
be sure that your incision doesn't show when I'm at
the beach. That was the last of my fun for
that day. My remaining time in the hospital was full
of stars and flashing bright lights and woo it was

(05:51):
lightning bulks. I was not prepared for the pain, but
I did survive the ordeal. The experience was a memory
rather in a dread as I drove myself home just
to kind of relax for the afternoon, you know, peace,
chill out, watch those intersections that I look forward to

(06:13):
seeing these guys down the road.