December 27, 2024 • 26 mins
Hi, everyone! It's been quite the season! As we wind down the year, I want to re-visit some of my biggest milestones of 2024. As most of you probably know, Emilio and I recently had a miscarriage. Even though this is a highly personal story, I wanted to share it with you all because I know so many other women have experienced this, too. Thank you all for all of your kind words, love and support. I love you all.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:10):
Hi, guys, Welcome to this episode of Cheege's and Chill.
This is going to be an intimate episode just you
and I. It's in regards to my miscarriage. I decided
to talk about it because, especially you guys, my listeners,
(00:32):
have been with me through the journey. I have been
very open with you guys about all the issues that
I've had with my reproductive system, with things for my past.
And also I had to make it very public. And
I think the only reason I made it public in
reality was because of the circumstances of how it happened.
(00:55):
I think if it would have been during the week,
I probably wouldn't have said anything because I wanted to
keep it to myself. So let me just go back
to how everything happened. How I even got pregnant. It
happened naturally, you guys. I was very surprised. I was
very shocked. I found out May thirteenth that I was pregnant.
(01:18):
It was the day that I was leaving to New
York because I had to go to some upfronts in
New York for my docu. And I was only two
days late. And I'm pretty regular, despite like endometriosis, like
I'm very regular. I'm very in tune with my body.
So I had just really noticed more than anything, like
I didn't feel like my boobs weren't tender. I wasn't
(01:40):
really having any symptoms. I was just very irritable and
I didn't know that was a symptom until I started googling,
because I was a Google freak during the time that
I was pregnant. So anyways, I had only been two days.
I told Kimberly, my assistant. I was like, Hey, just
do me a favor on your way to work, just
bring me a pregnancy testion and ask any questions. I
didn't even tell me. I was just like, I've taken
(02:01):
pregnancy test before. I'm gonna be fine. I don't feel
anything like you know, I'm fine. So Emilia and I
were like saying our goodbyes, and I was like, oh, wait,
I got a pee. Let me just grab one of these.
And he's like, what are you doing? And I'm like oh, anyways,
and I just kept going on with my conversation because
I was telling him something and I was just like
very just casually just paying on the stick. And because
(02:23):
again I really didn't think it was going to come
out positive, and he's like, babe, what do you do.
He's just like looking at me and like watching me pee,
and I'm still talking. I'm like yeah, and I'm opening
the package and I'm paying and like I pee on
it and like wipe, and I do the whole thing.
I put it to the side, and then I'm like yeah, babe,
and he's like, are you okay. I'm like, yeah, I'm fine.
I'm just taking a pregnancy just to make sure. And
he's like okay. So his face completely changed, like what
(02:46):
is going on? Because I didn't tell him. So anyways,
I go back into the restroom before I'm about to
walk out the door and to leave to New York
because he wasn't going with me on that trip, and
it said positive and it was a box of three.
So I was like, oh my god. I was the
first thing I said. I was like f I was like,
(03:07):
are you f in kidding mer Ay, You're fucking kidding me,
That's what I said. And he's like what happened. I'm like,
look at this. I was like, no, this has to
be wrong. He's like, well, take another one. I was
like okay. So I started chugging water and I was like, oh,
I gotta go. I'm already laid to the airport and
I chugged a whole like a bottle of water and
there I am sitting and waiting till I have to pee,
and I and it was one. The first one that
I took had like it was the lines. It wasn't
(03:29):
the one that said pregnant, right. So the second one
I took, it was the one that was either going
to say not pregnant or pregnant. So I was like, Okay,
this is really going to help me put things into perspective.
Maybe the first one is like a like a faulty one.
I don't know. So I took it and sure enough
I said pregnant, and I was like, okay. I was
like something's off. I was like, I have a plan
for this year. The plan is to work work, work, work,
(03:51):
and then at the end of the year, we're going
to figure it out. We're going to decide after we've
been married, the whole thing. So I was like in shock,
complete shock. I almost felt sick because I was like,
oh my gosh, I'm about to start my tour. What
is happening? And I remember before I left, I looked
up and I was like, God, you're funny. I remember
saying that, like those were my exact words, and a me.
(04:13):
He was like, are you okay. I'm like, yeah, I'm fine.
I'm gonna take this last one with me and I'll
take it to New York. I gotta go. He said, babar,
are you fine. I was like, I'm fine. He walks
out the door. I didn't know this until after, but
he told Kimberly, my assistant, He's like, take care of
her please. She didn't know what was going on, and
she had asked me a little bit earlier. She was
actually the one that reminded me to take the test
because I had forgot. She say, hey, did you take
(04:34):
the test? Are you good? I'm like, oh shit, no,
I haven't yet, but I will. And that's what, like,
you know, reminded me to take the tests. So anyways,
I didn't say anything. I'm sitting in the car and
I'm just like, oh my gosh, this is this is no,
this is crazy, like what the heck. Anyways, we get
to New York. I take that test the second the
third test, should I say? And it said negative? When
(04:57):
I was in New York it said negative, and I
was like, look, babe, look negative. He's like okay. He
starts googling, and it's like okay. Sometimes it's more common
for it to be for to have a false negative
than a false positive. That's I guess what he researched.
So anyways, he's like, go get another box. So then
I go send. I said, Kim, go get another box
(05:17):
in New York. I was like, maybe this one was
like a weird box. I was like, oh, get another box.
So she did, and I took the tests and they
both came out positive. And I called my Obi and
I said, hey, I know we talked about this plan.
I just got a paps. We just removed the the
you know, the polyups, because she did tell me, she's like, hey,
once we remove these poll ups, it just opens everything up,
(05:39):
so be careful. And it had been three years you
guys having unprotected sex with Emilio and I wouldn't get pregnant.
So I thought, okay, we did the IVF. We're good,
We're chilling. I told my Obi, hey, is what's going on?
I need an appointment. So she was wonderful enough to
give me an appointment as soon as I landed, so I
(05:59):
left it on a Wednesday. Everything in New York. People
were asking me on the red carpet, you know, hey,
when are you going to be a mom? And I
was just like, I feel like I'm lying. I was like,
I don't know. Whenever God wants. But I was like, literally,
I was like, I'm lying right now. I was like,
because of course I'm not going to tell him. It's
way too early. I don't even know what's going on,
and you like draw blood. I was freaking out, like
I felt like the entire time I was in New York.
I wasn't like there. I was just so in my head.
(06:20):
I had to do a video shoot and I was like,
oh my god, Like but of course I was googling
can I eat this? Can I drink this? I stopped
drinking coffee, I stopped eating Deli meat. I like, from
one day to another, you guys like I had just
been the week before in Miami getting drunk on a
yacht and I was like, oh my god, I was pregnant.
Oh my god. Like I started feeling guilty right away,
and then I'm like, okay, no, it's okay. The good
(06:42):
thing is like I you know, I found out. So anyways,
I was just like everywhere in my head in New York.
Finally get home. The next day, I had the appointment
and they did an ultrasound. They drew blood and the
ultrasound showed a little cute sack. They're like in the sack,
there's nothing there yet, like it still has to drop,
(07:02):
and like the implantation and the whole thing. Like, okay,
you know, they gave me an appointment for you know,
like two weeks. And anyways, we got confirmation and Amelia
was like, I just need to know, like, tell me,
is she pregnant. She's like, yes, she is pregnant. Emilio,
this is really happening. So our lives changed from one
(07:25):
day to another. You guys, I'm not gonna lie. I
was freaking out. I actually have videos that I was
already making for the baby. I did like a vlog
thing and I can't watch the videos right now. But
(07:45):
I went from being so freaking scared, I was kind
of upset. I'm not gonna lie, and I feel a
little guilty talking about this, but you guys know I'm
always real with you, and that's the only way that
I can be. But I was a little upset. At first,
I was very I was thinking of everything in a
very negative or should I say in a selfish way,
(08:08):
because I had my year planned. You know. We went
to Kabo for a Milo's birthday. The following week after
we got we found out we were pregnant, and I
had this I got this particular room so that we
can have fun and get drunk together and the whole thing.
And it just like I was in Cabo, in this
beautiful resort, celebrating in Milo's birthday, and I was upset
(08:32):
because he got buzzed and I couldn't and I was
just like, what is happening? Like why is this happening?
And I was a little bothered. I cried so much
in Cabbo. I was just like, God, like what's happening.
I'm going to start my tour, like you knew the plan.
Like I'm like, I had this plan of just my
birthday and our marriage and like this whole thing. So
(08:53):
I now I feel even more guilty because I'm like,
did I cause this? You know? But then I got
really excited. I went from being so scared to upset
to being so excited. I feel like I was a
really good pregnant woman because I wasn't having sushi. I
was at the Noble Hotel in Kabo, Saint Lucas, and
(09:14):
I love sushi, and I was like, I'm not having it.
There were friends or I would like look, and I
asked one particular person. I was like, hey, I didn't
tell her I was pregnant, but I was like, hey,
did you have sushi? Did you drink coffee when you
were pregnant? And some would say yes, some would say no,
but like are you pregnant. I'm like no, I'm just
asking for a friend. Now they're probably like, oh, bitch,
you were pregnant. But I stopped everything you guys, I
(09:36):
stopped drinking coffee I didn't have. I was like cold turkey.
And then I started thinking like, oh my god, God
was preparing me for this. The first three months of
the year, for ninety days, I was sober. I stopped
like all these things. I was like, I feel like
God was preparing me for this moment. And then I
went into like this super woman feeling of I kept
(09:57):
working out and I felt fine and my obi was like, yes,
you can work out, Like, don't lift anything heavy other
than twenty pounds, but you can still do your thing.
And I was like, okay, and I felt like I
had more energy in the weirdest way. There were times
where I would get tired and I was like, I
need a nap, But I felt like superwoman. I was like,
oh my god, I'm I'm like God is giving me everything,
like I'm pregnant. It happened naturally and as scared as
(10:19):
I am, but I can go on tour. Like I
felt like a superwoman and I'm like, oh my god,
I'm like I kept telling myself in my meditation, I'm capable.
I'm capable, Like I don't have to stop doing anything
that I'm doing because my body is doing this. So
I had all these emotions. So then I got really
excited and like Emilio and I were even doing, like
I said, videos for the baby, doing vlogs. I did
win in Cowbo. I did want any moment. Even when
(10:41):
I was feeling sad and nervous, I was like talking
to the baby and like hey, like this is how
I'm feeling today. So I was really excited, and I
bought all the books and I bought an anti radiation
blanket for the airplane because I was like, I want
to protect the baby, and I was like I was
excited and anyways, I didn't think I was gonna get
(11:05):
so emotional. But then I went on tour and my
obie is amazing, by the way, like any question I had,
she would answer at any time. And I was googling everything,
like I was obsessed with Google how to erase, you know,
(11:27):
like when you google things and then the tabs are open.
Everything I had to do with babies. My whole freaking
feed is baby stuff because that's all I was searching,
and I had to like close everything out. I was like,
I just for my healing process right now, I just
need to just keep that hidden for right now. But anyways,
(11:49):
I went on tour. I the first day of tour
was very very very very stress very stressful, very over me.
But the show went amazing. The show went amazing. I
was wearing very high heels. My doctor just said, don't
(12:10):
just be careful. You're fine to do your show. Just
don't fall. Be careful coming down the stairs because now
I have stairs, you know, like for my show. So
everything went great. I felt so freaking like I felt
like I was glowing on that first show, I felt
so powerful. I felt like invincible, And of course I
(12:30):
had like a bottle that showed that I was like
drinking alcohol, but I wasn't. It was nothing but water.
And I was nervous to start also my tour because
I'm used to drinking at my shows, like it makes
it very fun for me, and I'm like, Okay. Even
with that, I was like, God is really trying to
bring out the best version of myself with this pregnancy.
(12:51):
So even though I had all these plans and I
wanted to kind of like, you know, be a little
crazy this year for the rest of the year, because
I took that ninety day break and then the plan
was to just party it out, you know, the rest
of the year. So anyways, with that, I was even like, damn,
it's gonna be weird. Am I going to do good
at my show? And I did and it went freaking amazing,
(13:13):
and I felt like my voice was on point. Everything
was just so good and I didn't feel anything that day.
Everything was fine. I had so much energy. As soon
as I got off of stage and we drove home
from San Diego two hours and Emilio and I were
up and I took a thirty minute nap and I
was fine, had so much energy. I was excited for
(13:34):
the next show. We file out to Albuquerque, and you know,
just to backtrack a little bit, like I went from,
like I said, being scared and being upset to I
woke up one morning and in my devotional it said
something about taking yourself, like stop thinking about everything that
you're missing and stop thinking about it in an egocentric
(13:57):
way and think about what the one is. Obviously my
devotion doesn't know what I'm talking about what's going on
with me in my personal life, like I'm pregnant, but
it completely changed everything for me. So again it just
kind of set everything for me. And going into the tour,
I was excited. I was like, oh my god, I'm
gonna be that like pregnant woman on tour and it's
gonna beautiful. So I started just accepting and I was
(14:18):
so excited. So anyways, we get to Albuquerque, everything was fine.
We were already like planning where we're gonna go eat.
I was excited. I wanted barbecue. As soon as we
got to like New Mexico and I go into the
restroom and there's like a spot and I'm like, oh
my god. Immediately, like I just my heart dropped. I'm like,
(14:38):
oh my god. I was like, oh my my whole like,
oh this shit. I told the media shit and not
say anything. I just couldn't. Like, I was like, oh
my god, I'm gonna start crying, like and I was like, okay,
I'm gonna keep my cool, and I just I wiped
my tears and I'm like, okay, I'm gonna walk out.
But as soon as I saw a medio, he saw
it all over my face. He's like, what's wrong. And
I said, oh my god, I'm bleeding. And I just
started crying in the middle of the airport. I was like,
(14:58):
I'm bleeding. I was like freaking out, and He's like relax,
Like he's so good at staying calm, even though like
now I know he wasn't. He wanted to break down himself,
but he was so good with staying strong for me
because I was freaking out, you guys. And then I
told Kim. I was like, Kim, like I'm bleeding. She's like, okay,
it's fine, Like she started researching. He started researching, and
then everything online said that it's okay that spotting is normal.
(15:22):
So I said, okay, cool, I don't have any cramping.
There are any like cloths, any blood clouds, so I'm good.
So it was just a very little amount of blood.
I called my Obie and she's like, it's okay, just
no working out, don't work out tomorrow or today, like,
go to your hotel room, put your legs up, just relax.
So we went to go eat. I did that. Everything
was fine. I didn't have any cramping. The next morning,
(15:44):
the blood started getting a little bit more. It started
kind of looking like a period, but they again everything online.
My Obi said it's fine. I felt fine to go,
you know, to sound check and start getting ready for
the show, and so I did, and then I went.
I did sound check, and I was really excited. I
was so excited, you guys for the show because I
(16:05):
felt like I didn't feel the pressure of the first show.
And then the venue was amazing, the energy was so beautiful.
I was so freaking excited, you guys. And in the
middle of soundcheck, I started getting really bad cramps and
I was like, damn, But I kept with, you know,
with soundcheck, and we did a few songs. We did
like maybe forty minutes of soundcheck and it started getting
(16:27):
hard to walk. I was like, oh my gosh, something
feels weird. I went right when I got off stage
to start getting like finished getting ready. I went into
the restroom. I said he yeah, yeah. I was like
I don't. I didn't. I was like, I gotta go
check if I'm bleeding more, what's going on? Oh you guys.
And that's where it started. I went to the bathroom
(16:48):
and that's when I saw a blood clot and I
fucking went bananas. I was devastated. I was like fuck, like,
oh my god, it's happening. I was crying. I haven't cried.
I think the last time I cried like that was
when I lost my mom, like that, like yelling. I
was like no, I was like oh, and I thought
(17:10):
what did I do wrong? Like I was like damn it,
Like I stopped everything, Like I was like maybe because
I was jumping at my show yesterday, like I was like,
oh my god, or the other night, like I was
like oh. And then I was like call Emilio and
he kept his cool. But I was a mess. I
was a mess, and the pain started just coming and
(17:32):
I was like, damn it. I was and I knew it.
I knew what was happening. And I told my Obi
and she says, are you okay? And I'm like, no,
I don't know. I was like and I was like,
I think I'm okay still physically to keep going with
the show. But that night it so happened to be
that the outfit I took was white. So I was
just like, oh my god. I was literally sitting there
(17:54):
for two hours waiting for my makeup and my hair.
She was doing my hair, and I was like, I'm
still gonna go on stage. I could do this, Like
I can do this, like going full blown on like
I'm having a miscarriage. Like I had to like accept it.
I hadn't said anything yet to anyone besides the people
that were in the room, which Jessica. Jessica didn't even
know I was pregnant. The only people that knew were
Kim and Immedio and and then the paine just started
(18:19):
getting unbearable. I literally held onto the very last minute.
I was like, no, I don't want to let people down,
like I'm excited. I want to perform, But then I
just had to make a decision. I was like, dude,
like what if I just start bleeding out in the
middle of my concert, Like no, I just I'm like,
maybe physically I can pull through because that's who I am,
(18:42):
but emotionally there's no way. And I felt like the
people that were there don't don't deserve that. They deserve
the best show, and that's what I want to give them.
So I had to make the decision. I was like,
I need to go to the hospital. So then that's
when I told Richard. I told my managers because both
of them were there, you know, Guiermo and Richard, and
I told him. I was like, this is I was
(19:02):
hiding something from you. And I was just so afraid
to tell Richard, my manager, because I didn't want him
to think that I wasn't. I wanted to show him
before telling him I can still do this. I can
be on tour. I'm fine. We went to the hospital
and I just wanted to know if it was really happening.
(19:26):
I still had hope, and Milli and I both still
had hope that maybe it was just I don't know,
but it just was coming out everything, and they did
an ultrasound. We were there at the hospital for like
the emergency room for like three hours. They were so
nice to meet the people, all the nurses and the
doctors in Albuquerque. While amazing, they were so nice. So
(19:49):
like even when they told me like, yeah, it's a miscarriage,
like you know, she's like, nothing you did is your fault.
I was like I kept thinking, it was like, God,
maybe it's my Maybe I can't but I'm sorry. But
(20:14):
they made me feel better and they said that this
is actually a great thing because you know, your body
is showing that you can you can't get pregnant, and
it's preparing to get pregnant. It's just it was a
bad egg and it's you know, they made me feel
better be like, hey, I have I have women that
(20:36):
come in in their first trimester. They're running their runners,
they run their entire pregnancy and they're fine and they
you know, they're athletes and they lift weights and it
all just depends. But no, it has nothing to do
with you, anything that you did wrong. So that made
me feel better for sure, But it was a very
hard pill to swallow, and also to have to cancel
(20:58):
my show, which is why I shared it because I
was like, I know people were upset. Some people were
commenting really mean things, and I was like, damn, I'm
gonna share it because this is I know I'm not
the only one, and this happens a lot more then
people share, and I understand something so personal. But I
(21:20):
chose to share it because I want you guys to
know that I also go through things like you guys,
you know, and if I can help someone, then that
gives me peace, you know. So that's the reason I
shared it. And people have been so understanding and so loving,
and I've gotten so much love and it just feels
(21:40):
so good to know that there are people that support
me that don't even know me on a personal level
and are setting us so much love. And I feel
better now. I did my therapy session, and I am
a woman of faith and I know that things happen
the way they need to happen, and it just really
helped put things into perspective for me, and it made
(22:01):
me fall in love with the media even more. We're
closer than ever and now I'm like excited. I'm even
more excited to marry him, like he was so amazing,
and I know it hurt him so much to see
him so sad because he did break down. He was
so sad. He was so sad, and I even said
(22:21):
sorry to him. I'm like, I'm so sorry, I'm so
sorry because I felt like, oh my god, like I'm
not giving him what he really wants. And when you
love someone, you just want to please them, and I
want to give him a baby. Now. He's the only
guy that's ever made me want to have a baby,
because I've always been on the fence, and now this
experience has showed me that I'm going to be a
great freaking mom and that I do want a baby,
(22:44):
and that I do want a baby with this man.
So even if it was for that to just bring
that confirmation, I'm grateful. Very painful situation, very painful experience.
And I don't I don't like upon anybody, of course,
but I learned a lot and now it makes perfect
(23:06):
sense for me. And now I want to just be
proactive and strengthen my uterus and I've been taking I've
been drinking teas. I'm like, I want to do everything
to make sure that I am ready, you know, and
also prepare to have a baby when I'm not as busy,
because I want to enjoy it more so. I think
(23:29):
my faith is what's getting me through and obviously having
a very supportive fan base and family. My sister Jackie
was so amazing as well, Like h she helped me
so much. She cried with me when I told her
and I called her, I was like, sister, it's I'm
losing the baby, and she was just like oh, she
cried with me. And she's the one that said, listen
to your body. Don't you worry too much about letting
(23:52):
people down, Like if you cannot pull through, don't do it.
And I was like, you're right, yes, I I have
to cancel the show, like I have to. So shout
out to my sister and to like my amazing partner
because I have a great support system, like honestly, even Kim,
like my assistant, was wonderful throughout the whole thing, and
(24:14):
she cried with me too. We cried. It was like, oh,
but anyways, guys, that is you know, my experience, and
I wanted to share it because that's what I do
with you guys. You know, I tell you guys everything,
and I'm fine. I don't blame myself and we shouldn't.
(24:34):
Other women that have had miscarriages, don't take that guilt away.
It's nothing that you did wrong. It's your body and
God in the universe doing what maybe you won't be
able to do if they tell you that you have
an abnormal pregnancy or it's just you know. So I
(24:54):
don't know. I just know, guys that I'm with you
and that we're gonna be okay, We're gonna be fine,
and now we're gonna have I learned what a rainbow
baby is. I don't know what a rainbow baby was,
and I was like, oh my god, I want a
rainbow baby. It's the baby that comes after the miscarriage.
And I didn't know about that. And I'm like, oh
(25:15):
my god, Now I see all this rainbow stuff on TikTok.
So I'm just like, okay, I'm having a rainbow baby.
So anyways, you guys again, thank you for listening, and
thank you for showing me grace. And I love you, guys,
and I hope that anyone that has gone through this
before can just know that I'm with you, I got you,
(25:38):
and and I'm sending everyone love because this is such
a painful experience. But God knows what's up. He knows why.
So thank you for listening, and I love you guys
so much. This is a production of iHeartRadio and Mike
(25:59):
podcast Network. Follow us on Instagram at my Kuitura Podcasts
and follow me Cheeky's That's c h i q u
i s. For more podcasts from iHeart, visit the iHeartRadio app,
Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your favorite shows.
Hi, guys, Welcome to this episode of Cheege's and Chill.
This is going to be an intimate episode just you
and I. It's in regards to my miscarriage. I decided
to talk about it because, especially you guys, my listeners,
(00:32):
have been with me through the journey. I have been
very open with you guys about all the issues that
I've had with my reproductive system, with things for my past.
And also I had to make it very public. And
I think the only reason I made it public in
reality was because of the circumstances of how it happened.
(00:55):
I think if it would have been during the week,
I probably wouldn't have said anything because I wanted to
keep it to myself. So let me just go back
to how everything happened. How I even got pregnant. It
happened naturally, you guys. I was very surprised. I was
very shocked. I found out May thirteenth that I was pregnant.
(01:18):
It was the day that I was leaving to New
York because I had to go to some upfronts in
New York for my docu. And I was only two
days late. And I'm pretty regular, despite like endometriosis, like
I'm very regular. I'm very in tune with my body.
So I had just really noticed more than anything, like
I didn't feel like my boobs weren't tender. I wasn't
(01:40):
really having any symptoms. I was just very irritable and
I didn't know that was a symptom until I started googling,
because I was a Google freak during the time that
I was pregnant. So anyways, I had only been two days.
I told Kimberly, my assistant. I was like, Hey, just
do me a favor on your way to work, just
bring me a pregnancy testion and ask any questions. I
didn't even tell me. I was just like, I've taken
(02:01):
pregnancy test before. I'm gonna be fine. I don't feel
anything like you know, I'm fine. So Emilia and I
were like saying our goodbyes, and I was like, oh, wait,
I got a pee. Let me just grab one of these.
And he's like, what are you doing? And I'm like oh, anyways,
and I just kept going on with my conversation because
I was telling him something and I was just like
very just casually just paying on the stick. And because
(02:23):
again I really didn't think it was going to come
out positive, and he's like, babe, what do you do.
He's just like looking at me and like watching me pee,
and I'm still talking. I'm like yeah, and I'm opening
the package and I'm paying and like I pee on
it and like wipe, and I do the whole thing.
I put it to the side, and then I'm like yeah, babe,
and he's like, are you okay. I'm like, yeah, I'm fine.
I'm just taking a pregnancy just to make sure. And
he's like okay. So his face completely changed, like what
(02:46):
is going on? Because I didn't tell him. So anyways,
I go back into the restroom before I'm about to
walk out the door and to leave to New York
because he wasn't going with me on that trip, and
it said positive and it was a box of three.
So I was like, oh my god. I was the
first thing I said. I was like f I was like,
(03:07):
are you f in kidding mer Ay, You're fucking kidding me,
That's what I said. And he's like what happened. I'm like,
look at this. I was like, no, this has to
be wrong. He's like, well, take another one. I was
like okay. So I started chugging water and I was like, oh,
I gotta go. I'm already laid to the airport and
I chugged a whole like a bottle of water and
there I am sitting and waiting till I have to pee,
and I and it was one. The first one that
I took had like it was the lines. It wasn't
(03:29):
the one that said pregnant, right. So the second one
I took, it was the one that was either going
to say not pregnant or pregnant. So I was like, Okay,
this is really going to help me put things into perspective.
Maybe the first one is like a like a faulty one.
I don't know. So I took it and sure enough
I said pregnant, and I was like, okay. I was
like something's off. I was like, I have a plan
for this year. The plan is to work work, work, work,
(03:51):
and then at the end of the year, we're going
to figure it out. We're going to decide after we've
been married, the whole thing. So I was like in shock,
complete shock. I almost felt sick because I was like,
oh my gosh, I'm about to start my tour. What
is happening? And I remember before I left, I looked
up and I was like, God, you're funny. I remember
saying that, like those were my exact words, and a me.
(04:13):
He was like, are you okay. I'm like, yeah, I'm fine.
I'm gonna take this last one with me and I'll
take it to New York. I gotta go. He said, babar,
are you fine. I was like, I'm fine. He walks
out the door. I didn't know this until after, but
he told Kimberly, my assistant, He's like, take care of
her please. She didn't know what was going on, and
she had asked me a little bit earlier. She was
actually the one that reminded me to take the test
because I had forgot. She say, hey, did you take
(04:34):
the test? Are you good? I'm like, oh shit, no,
I haven't yet, but I will. And that's what, like,
you know, reminded me to take the tests. So anyways,
I didn't say anything. I'm sitting in the car and
I'm just like, oh my gosh, this is this is no,
this is crazy, like what the heck. Anyways, we get
to New York. I take that test the second the
third test, should I say? And it said negative? When
(04:57):
I was in New York it said negative, and I
was like, look, babe, look negative. He's like okay. He
starts googling, and it's like okay. Sometimes it's more common
for it to be for to have a false negative
than a false positive. That's I guess what he researched.
So anyways, he's like, go get another box. So then
I go send. I said, Kim, go get another box
(05:17):
in New York. I was like, maybe this one was
like a weird box. I was like, oh, get another box.
So she did, and I took the tests and they
both came out positive. And I called my Obi and
I said, hey, I know we talked about this plan.
I just got a paps. We just removed the the
you know, the polyups, because she did tell me, she's like, hey,
once we remove these poll ups, it just opens everything up,
(05:39):
so be careful. And it had been three years you
guys having unprotected sex with Emilio and I wouldn't get pregnant.
So I thought, okay, we did the IVF. We're good,
We're chilling. I told my Obi, hey, is what's going on?
I need an appointment. So she was wonderful enough to
give me an appointment as soon as I landed, so I
(05:59):
left it on a Wednesday. Everything in New York. People
were asking me on the red carpet, you know, hey,
when are you going to be a mom? And I
was just like, I feel like I'm lying. I was like,
I don't know. Whenever God wants. But I was like, literally,
I was like, I'm lying right now. I was like,
because of course I'm not going to tell him. It's
way too early. I don't even know what's going on,
and you like draw blood. I was freaking out, like
I felt like the entire time I was in New York.
I wasn't like there. I was just so in my head.
(06:20):
I had to do a video shoot and I was like,
oh my god, Like but of course I was googling
can I eat this? Can I drink this? I stopped
drinking coffee, I stopped eating Deli meat. I like, from
one day to another, you guys like I had just
been the week before in Miami getting drunk on a
yacht and I was like, oh my god, I was pregnant.
Oh my god. Like I started feeling guilty right away,
and then I'm like, okay, no, it's okay. The good
(06:42):
thing is like I you know, I found out. So anyways,
I was just like everywhere in my head in New York.
Finally get home. The next day, I had the appointment
and they did an ultrasound. They drew blood and the
ultrasound showed a little cute sack. They're like in the sack,
there's nothing there yet, like it still has to drop,
(07:02):
and like the implantation and the whole thing. Like, okay,
you know, they gave me an appointment for you know,
like two weeks. And anyways, we got confirmation and Amelia
was like, I just need to know, like, tell me,
is she pregnant. She's like, yes, she is pregnant. Emilio,
this is really happening. So our lives changed from one
(07:25):
day to another. You guys, I'm not gonna lie. I
was freaking out. I actually have videos that I was
already making for the baby. I did like a vlog
thing and I can't watch the videos right now. But
(07:45):
I went from being so freaking scared, I was kind
of upset. I'm not gonna lie, and I feel a
little guilty talking about this, but you guys know I'm
always real with you, and that's the only way that
I can be. But I was a little upset. At first,
I was very I was thinking of everything in a
very negative or should I say in a selfish way,
(08:08):
because I had my year planned. You know. We went
to Kabo for a Milo's birthday. The following week after
we got we found out we were pregnant, and I
had this I got this particular room so that we
can have fun and get drunk together and the whole thing.
And it just like I was in Cabo, in this
beautiful resort, celebrating in Milo's birthday, and I was upset
(08:32):
because he got buzzed and I couldn't and I was
just like, what is happening? Like why is this happening?
And I was a little bothered. I cried so much
in Cabbo. I was just like, God, like what's happening.
I'm going to start my tour, like you knew the plan.
Like I'm like, I had this plan of just my
birthday and our marriage and like this whole thing. So
(08:53):
I now I feel even more guilty because I'm like,
did I cause this? You know? But then I got
really excited. I went from being so scared to upset
to being so excited. I feel like I was a
really good pregnant woman because I wasn't having sushi. I
was at the Noble Hotel in Kabo, Saint Lucas, and
(09:14):
I love sushi, and I was like, I'm not having it.
There were friends or I would like look, and I
asked one particular person. I was like, hey, I didn't
tell her I was pregnant, but I was like, hey,
did you have sushi? Did you drink coffee when you
were pregnant? And some would say yes, some would say no,
but like are you pregnant. I'm like no, I'm just
asking for a friend. Now they're probably like, oh, bitch,
you were pregnant. But I stopped everything you guys, I
(09:36):
stopped drinking coffee I didn't have. I was like cold turkey.
And then I started thinking like, oh my god, God
was preparing me for this. The first three months of
the year, for ninety days, I was sober. I stopped
like all these things. I was like, I feel like
God was preparing me for this moment. And then I
went into like this super woman feeling of I kept
(09:57):
working out and I felt fine and my obi was like, yes,
you can work out, Like, don't lift anything heavy other
than twenty pounds, but you can still do your thing.
And I was like, okay, and I felt like I
had more energy in the weirdest way. There were times
where I would get tired and I was like, I
need a nap, But I felt like superwoman. I was like,
oh my god, I'm I'm like God is giving me everything,
like I'm pregnant. It happened naturally and as scared as
(10:19):
I am, but I can go on tour. Like I
felt like a superwoman and I'm like, oh my god,
I'm like I kept telling myself in my meditation, I'm capable.
I'm capable, Like I don't have to stop doing anything
that I'm doing because my body is doing this. So
I had all these emotions. So then I got really
excited and like Emilio and I were even doing, like
I said, videos for the baby, doing vlogs. I did
win in Cowbo. I did want any moment. Even when
(10:41):
I was feeling sad and nervous, I was like talking
to the baby and like hey, like this is how
I'm feeling today. So I was really excited, and I
bought all the books and I bought an anti radiation
blanket for the airplane because I was like, I want
to protect the baby, and I was like I was
excited and anyways, I didn't think I was gonna get
(11:05):
so emotional. But then I went on tour and my
obie is amazing, by the way, like any question I had,
she would answer at any time. And I was googling everything,
like I was obsessed with Google how to erase, you know,
(11:27):
like when you google things and then the tabs are open.
Everything I had to do with babies. My whole freaking
feed is baby stuff because that's all I was searching,
and I had to like close everything out. I was like,
I just for my healing process right now, I just
need to just keep that hidden for right now. But anyways,
(11:49):
I went on tour. I the first day of tour
was very very very very stress very stressful, very over me.
But the show went amazing. The show went amazing. I
was wearing very high heels. My doctor just said, don't
(12:10):
just be careful. You're fine to do your show. Just
don't fall. Be careful coming down the stairs because now
I have stairs, you know, like for my show. So
everything went great. I felt so freaking like I felt
like I was glowing on that first show, I felt
so powerful. I felt like invincible, And of course I
(12:30):
had like a bottle that showed that I was like
drinking alcohol, but I wasn't. It was nothing but water.
And I was nervous to start also my tour because
I'm used to drinking at my shows, like it makes
it very fun for me, and I'm like, Okay. Even
with that, I was like, God is really trying to
bring out the best version of myself with this pregnancy.
(12:51):
So even though I had all these plans and I
wanted to kind of like, you know, be a little
crazy this year for the rest of the year, because
I took that ninety day break and then the plan
was to just party it out, you know, the rest
of the year. So anyways, with that, I was even like, damn,
it's gonna be weird. Am I going to do good
at my show? And I did and it went freaking amazing,
(13:13):
and I felt like my voice was on point. Everything
was just so good and I didn't feel anything that day.
Everything was fine. I had so much energy. As soon
as I got off of stage and we drove home
from San Diego two hours and Emilio and I were
up and I took a thirty minute nap and I
was fine, had so much energy. I was excited for
(13:34):
the next show. We file out to Albuquerque, and you know,
just to backtrack a little bit, like I went from,
like I said, being scared and being upset to I
woke up one morning and in my devotional it said
something about taking yourself, like stop thinking about everything that
you're missing and stop thinking about it in an egocentric
(13:57):
way and think about what the one is. Obviously my
devotion doesn't know what I'm talking about what's going on
with me in my personal life, like I'm pregnant, but
it completely changed everything for me. So again it just
kind of set everything for me. And going into the tour,
I was excited. I was like, oh my god, I'm
gonna be that like pregnant woman on tour and it's
gonna beautiful. So I started just accepting and I was
(14:18):
so excited. So anyways, we get to Albuquerque, everything was fine.
We were already like planning where we're gonna go eat.
I was excited. I wanted barbecue. As soon as we
got to like New Mexico and I go into the
restroom and there's like a spot and I'm like, oh
my god. Immediately, like I just my heart dropped. I'm like,
(14:38):
oh my god. I was like, oh my my whole like,
oh this shit. I told the media shit and not
say anything. I just couldn't. Like, I was like, oh
my god, I'm gonna start crying, like and I was like, okay,
I'm gonna keep my cool, and I just I wiped
my tears and I'm like, okay, I'm gonna walk out.
But as soon as I saw a medio, he saw
it all over my face. He's like, what's wrong. And
I said, oh my god, I'm bleeding. And I just
started crying in the middle of the airport. I was like,
(14:58):
I'm bleeding. I was like freaking out, and He's like relax,
Like he's so good at staying calm, even though like
now I know he wasn't. He wanted to break down himself,
but he was so good with staying strong for me
because I was freaking out, you guys. And then I
told Kim. I was like, Kim, like I'm bleeding. She's like, okay,
it's fine, Like she started researching. He started researching, and
then everything online said that it's okay that spotting is normal.
(15:22):
So I said, okay, cool, I don't have any cramping.
There are any like cloths, any blood clouds, so I'm good.
So it was just a very little amount of blood.
I called my Obie and she's like, it's okay, just
no working out, don't work out tomorrow or today, like,
go to your hotel room, put your legs up, just relax.
So we went to go eat. I did that. Everything
was fine. I didn't have any cramping. The next morning,
(15:44):
the blood started getting a little bit more. It started
kind of looking like a period, but they again everything online.
My Obi said it's fine. I felt fine to go,
you know, to sound check and start getting ready for
the show, and so I did, and then I went.
I did sound check, and I was really excited. I
was so excited, you guys for the show because I
(16:05):
felt like I didn't feel the pressure of the first show.
And then the venue was amazing, the energy was so beautiful.
I was so freaking excited, you guys. And in the
middle of soundcheck, I started getting really bad cramps and
I was like, damn, But I kept with, you know,
with soundcheck, and we did a few songs. We did
like maybe forty minutes of soundcheck and it started getting
(16:27):
hard to walk. I was like, oh my gosh, something
feels weird. I went right when I got off stage
to start getting like finished getting ready. I went into
the restroom. I said he yeah, yeah. I was like
I don't. I didn't. I was like, I gotta go
check if I'm bleeding more, what's going on? Oh you guys.
And that's where it started. I went to the bathroom
(16:48):
and that's when I saw a blood clot and I
fucking went bananas. I was devastated. I was like fuck, like,
oh my god, it's happening. I was crying. I haven't cried.
I think the last time I cried like that was
when I lost my mom, like that, like yelling. I
was like no, I was like oh, and I thought
(17:10):
what did I do wrong? Like I was like damn it,
Like I stopped everything, Like I was like maybe because
I was jumping at my show yesterday, like I was like,
oh my god, or the other night, like I was
like oh. And then I was like call Emilio and
he kept his cool. But I was a mess. I
was a mess, and the pain started just coming and
(17:32):
I was like, damn it. I was and I knew it.
I knew what was happening. And I told my Obi
and she says, are you okay? And I'm like, no,
I don't know. I was like and I was like,
I think I'm okay still physically to keep going with
the show. But that night it so happened to be
that the outfit I took was white. So I was
just like, oh my god. I was literally sitting there
(17:54):
for two hours waiting for my makeup and my hair.
She was doing my hair, and I was like, I'm
still gonna go on stage. I could do this, Like
I can do this, like going full blown on like
I'm having a miscarriage. Like I had to like accept it.
I hadn't said anything yet to anyone besides the people
that were in the room, which Jessica. Jessica didn't even
know I was pregnant. The only people that knew were
Kim and Immedio and and then the paine just started
(18:19):
getting unbearable. I literally held onto the very last minute.
I was like, no, I don't want to let people down,
like I'm excited. I want to perform, But then I
just had to make a decision. I was like, dude,
like what if I just start bleeding out in the
middle of my concert, Like no, I just I'm like,
maybe physically I can pull through because that's who I am,
(18:42):
but emotionally there's no way. And I felt like the
people that were there don't don't deserve that. They deserve
the best show, and that's what I want to give them.
So I had to make the decision. I was like,
I need to go to the hospital. So then that's
when I told Richard. I told my managers because both
of them were there, you know, Guiermo and Richard, and
I told him. I was like, this is I was
(19:02):
hiding something from you. And I was just so afraid
to tell Richard, my manager, because I didn't want him
to think that I wasn't. I wanted to show him
before telling him I can still do this. I can
be on tour. I'm fine. We went to the hospital
and I just wanted to know if it was really happening.
(19:26):
I still had hope, and Milli and I both still
had hope that maybe it was just I don't know,
but it just was coming out everything, and they did
an ultrasound. We were there at the hospital for like
the emergency room for like three hours. They were so
nice to meet the people, all the nurses and the
doctors in Albuquerque. While amazing, they were so nice. So
(19:49):
like even when they told me like, yeah, it's a miscarriage,
like you know, she's like, nothing you did is your fault.
I was like I kept thinking, it was like, God,
maybe it's my Maybe I can't but I'm sorry. But
(20:14):
they made me feel better and they said that this
is actually a great thing because you know, your body
is showing that you can you can't get pregnant, and
it's preparing to get pregnant. It's just it was a
bad egg and it's you know, they made me feel
better be like, hey, I have I have women that
(20:36):
come in in their first trimester. They're running their runners,
they run their entire pregnancy and they're fine and they
you know, they're athletes and they lift weights and it
all just depends. But no, it has nothing to do
with you, anything that you did wrong. So that made
me feel better for sure, But it was a very
hard pill to swallow, and also to have to cancel
(20:58):
my show, which is why I shared it because I
was like, I know people were upset. Some people were
commenting really mean things, and I was like, damn, I'm
gonna share it because this is I know I'm not
the only one, and this happens a lot more then
people share, and I understand something so personal. But I
(21:20):
chose to share it because I want you guys to
know that I also go through things like you guys,
you know, and if I can help someone, then that
gives me peace, you know. So that's the reason I
shared it. And people have been so understanding and so loving,
and I've gotten so much love and it just feels
(21:40):
so good to know that there are people that support
me that don't even know me on a personal level
and are setting us so much love. And I feel
better now. I did my therapy session, and I am
a woman of faith and I know that things happen
the way they need to happen, and it just really
helped put things into perspective for me, and it made
(22:01):
me fall in love with the media even more. We're
closer than ever and now I'm like excited. I'm even
more excited to marry him, like he was so amazing,
and I know it hurt him so much to see
him so sad because he did break down. He was
so sad. He was so sad, and I even said
(22:21):
sorry to him. I'm like, I'm so sorry, I'm so
sorry because I felt like, oh my god, like I'm
not giving him what he really wants. And when you
love someone, you just want to please them, and I
want to give him a baby. Now. He's the only
guy that's ever made me want to have a baby,
because I've always been on the fence, and now this
experience has showed me that I'm going to be a
great freaking mom and that I do want a baby,
(22:44):
and that I do want a baby with this man.
So even if it was for that to just bring
that confirmation, I'm grateful. Very painful situation, very painful experience.
And I don't I don't like upon anybody, of course,
but I learned a lot and now it makes perfect
(23:06):
sense for me. And now I want to just be
proactive and strengthen my uterus and I've been taking I've
been drinking teas. I'm like, I want to do everything
to make sure that I am ready, you know, and
also prepare to have a baby when I'm not as busy,
because I want to enjoy it more so. I think
(23:29):
my faith is what's getting me through and obviously having
a very supportive fan base and family. My sister Jackie
was so amazing as well, Like h she helped me
so much. She cried with me when I told her
and I called her, I was like, sister, it's I'm
losing the baby, and she was just like oh, she
cried with me. And she's the one that said, listen
to your body. Don't you worry too much about letting
(23:52):
people down, Like if you cannot pull through, don't do it.
And I was like, you're right, yes, I I have
to cancel the show, like I have to. So shout
out to my sister and to like my amazing partner
because I have a great support system, like honestly, even Kim,
like my assistant, was wonderful throughout the whole thing, and
(24:14):
she cried with me too. We cried. It was like, oh,
but anyways, guys, that is you know, my experience, and
I wanted to share it because that's what I do
with you guys. You know, I tell you guys everything,
and I'm fine. I don't blame myself and we shouldn't.
(24:34):
Other women that have had miscarriages, don't take that guilt away.
It's nothing that you did wrong. It's your body and
God in the universe doing what maybe you won't be
able to do if they tell you that you have
an abnormal pregnancy or it's just you know. So I
(24:54):
don't know. I just know, guys that I'm with you
and that we're gonna be okay, We're gonna be fine,
and now we're gonna have I learned what a rainbow
baby is. I don't know what a rainbow baby was,
and I was like, oh my god, I want a
rainbow baby. It's the baby that comes after the miscarriage.
And I didn't know about that. And I'm like, oh
(25:15):
my god, Now I see all this rainbow stuff on TikTok.
So I'm just like, okay, I'm having a rainbow baby.
So anyways, you guys again, thank you for listening, and
thank you for showing me grace. And I love you, guys,
and I hope that anyone that has gone through this
before can just know that I'm with you, I got you,
(25:38):
and and I'm sending everyone love because this is such
a painful experience. But God knows what's up. He knows why.
So thank you for listening, and I love you guys
so much. This is a production of iHeartRadio and Mike
(25:59):
podcast Network. Follow us on Instagram at my Kuitura Podcasts
and follow me Cheeky's That's c h i q u
i s. For more podcasts from iHeart, visit the iHeartRadio app,
Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your favorite shows.
Host
Chiquis
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