September 29, 2025 • 28 mins
Welcome to an intimate and vulnerable episode of Chiquis and Chill. Today, I’m opening up about a recent shift in my life. Just a few months ago, I forgave my mom for a couple of things I’ve been holding on to – and I can honestly say I now love her more than ever. Tune in to hear what I’ve forgiven her for, how I’m choosing to honor her going forward, and I’ll also share some of the things I’ll be sharing about her with my future children.
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Speaker 1 (00:06):
Hi, everyone, thank you for tuning in to this very
personal episode of Cheeky's and Chill. I mean, all my
episodes are pretty personal, but this one is especially intimate
because it's about my mom. It's actually a love letter
to my mom. I love her more than I ever have.
I feel like I should have some tishes around for
(00:27):
this episode because I'm probably going to get emotional. But anyway,
this whole thing came up because I was on a
podcast called a Toast to Life and a little piece
of actually a couple pieces of that episode went viral,
and one of them was the fact that I was
(00:48):
honest and I said I barely forgave my mom this
year a couple months ago, and some people understood it.
Other people judged it, and that's okay. Everyone's in title
to their opinion. And I just thought it would be
nice to explain to you guys, the people that I
care about, what I mean. So we're going to dig deep,
(01:10):
and I want to start with this letter I wrote
for my mom and we will go from there. Mama,
now that I'm older, I see you with new eyes,
eyes no longer clouded by judgment, but softened by understanding.
For a long time I carried anger. We weren't speaking
when you left, and the silence between us felt like
(01:33):
a thorn buried deep. There are words, there are lies,
shadows we never had the chance to clear away. I
was angry at that. I was angry at how hard
you could be on me, how heavy your love felt sometimes.
But life has taught me, time has softened me. Now
I see the woman behind the mother, the battles you
(01:55):
fought in silence, the divine spirit you always were. And
so I let go. I forgive you from the root,
with purity, with truth, because forgiveness blooms where pain once grew,
and love, real love makes everything new. Our relationship was complicated,
but it doesn't have to remain that way. What once
(02:18):
was thorn now blossoms into flowers. What once was anger
now grows into peace. So here I am your daughter
with an open heart, choosing you again, choosing us again.
You are my mother, my teacher, my eternal garden of light.
I love you in this life and beyond. And I
(02:41):
wrote that for her because it's a long story. Some
of you may know, some of you may not. But
I went on this journey with medicine. I think we
have briefly spoken about it here. But because I wanted
to become a mother, I wanted to prepare my mind, body,
(03:01):
and soul. And this medicine basically detoxes your body. It's
indigenous medicine, and it opens your heart and it detoxes
you on a physical, emotional, and spiritual level. And I
thought that I had forgiven my mom and I felt
like I wasn't angry anymore. But when I did this medicine,
(03:26):
I was faced with that situation again with my mom,
and I realized that there was still a little bit left,
that the root had to just be uprooted. And I
saw and felt a different side of my mom. I
(03:48):
can't tell you that she appeared. It's nothing like that.
It's just I felt her. I felt the pain that
she was in right before she I felt the pain
of a mother, being a single mother. I felt the
pain of being a daughter of a mother that was
(04:10):
very hard on her. And then I just understood and
it all made sense, and I understood that I was
chosen to break these generational cycles and even in some
cases curses from our ancestors, and that's what this medicine does.
And I didn't even know this was going to happen.
(04:31):
I just knew I am going to lean in. I'm
going to just surrender to this medicine and let God
do what he needs to do. And he definitely did.
And that was in March, and I see my mom
with completely different eyes, Guys, Like, it's crazy. I think
(04:52):
of even the bad moments and it doesn't hurt me,
it doesn't anger me the way it used to, Like
it just all makes sense now, like everything literally did
have to happen the way it happened, even the bad stuff,
because I wasn't Maybe the easiest child to raise is
she didn't understand me because I was so different from her,
(05:13):
And if she hadn't been so hard on me, then
maybe I would have been a different person, a different woman.
And I'm okay with that, Like I'm okay with how
she decided to discipline me. Do I want to discipline
my child that way? No, But I'm not judging her
for it. She was young and I needed it. And
(05:38):
now what I could do is learn from that experience
and learn from my mother and learn from our relationship,
and hopefully when I have my child, use all of
these things that I've learned to correct it because I
don't want this to keep going. And I just thought
about that. I remember my mom telling me about things
(05:58):
that my grandmother did and how she was with her,
and I think that just kept on going until it
got to us and affected not only me, my sisters
as well. But I can't speak for them because they're
not here obviously, but how it affected us in different ways.
But I think the important thing here is really just
seeing the person at their core. And now I see
(06:23):
my mom for that divine being that she is and
that she always was. It's just life happens, and life
causes us to go about our life in a certain way,
and it changes us if we allow it. And I
think my moms didn't have the chance to. She was
so young when she passed to realize, hey, I could
(06:47):
do this differently. I could say things differently, I could
react differently, and she didn't get to go through therapy
the way I have. But this is why I'm here,
and this is why I'm here to change things now,
going back to my mom what I have forgiven her
(07:07):
for because some of the comments I saw when that
piece of the podcast went viral were I think you
got it confused, your mom has to forgive you because
some people still have this idea that I slept with
my mom's husband, which is not true. Never happened. Ever,
(07:32):
it was just hearsay, and I know my mom and
I were going to be fine, but I had to
forgive her because and granted I wasn't the perfect daughter.
I'm sure there are things that you know I would
have to if she was here, ask for forgiveness, but
that definitely did not happen. And I don't have to
apologize for that because it never happened, but it caused
(07:55):
a lot of problems in the world. And I was
very angry about that for a long long time, and
it would go on and off, and I never understood
why it happened. Well maybe then now I guess it
(08:18):
makes a little bit more sense. But I was just upset.
I was upset at her, and I'm like, how in
the hell could you do this? How could you not
give me the time of day to hear me out.
She would just shut down and just completely erase you,
and then she would come back whenever she felt like it,
and and that it really upset me, and I didn't
(08:43):
want to carry that and I thought I had forgiven it,
but now I really truly feel like I've let it go,
Like it's it's fine. I'm not going to let that
determine my relationship with her from here on out. And
it happened. We're over it. I'm still alive. I'm here.
God ha really showed up and showed off in my life.
(09:06):
And I do feel that it's also her, you know,
from where she is, she's helping me. It's her way
of saying, hey, I'm sorry, I'm going to help you,
and I'm going to help open doors for you, and
here are some opportunities. And I do feel a lot
of everything that's happened in my life has been heaven
sent and she has a lot to do with it.
(09:27):
So that's what I felt I needed to forgive my
mom for mainly other things like being so hard on me.
I never understood why I was treated differently than my
sister Jackie, you know, who is the second child. And
I felt like Jackie could get away with murder for real,
(09:50):
Like my mom once said, She's like, it's because she's
she's like me, you know, it's revele, you know, and
she's a rebel, and I'm like that, and I'm like, dude, here,
I am trying to do everything perfec and I always
get the short end of the stick. So I kind
of always resented my mom for that and I didn't
understand it. And now I'm like, it is what it is.
I am so happy with how I turned out, and
(10:14):
I owe it to my mom, Like she was tough
on me and that's the way she had to be
and that was her decision and I'm grateful for it.
So I just kind of turned it around and said,
you know what, I'm glad that she was able to
give my sister that love and that attention and that
like praise because my sister needed that. I didn't know
(10:35):
for a long time that my sister felt like she
was in my shadow. She felt like my mom didn't
really like pay much attention to her and it was
more about me. So I think we were feeling that
at the same time, not knowing that, like, well, I
felt the same way about you, you know, so things
like that, And again I thought I had gotten over
(10:59):
all of these things. But when I did this medicine
in my time of prayer, I realized that it all
happened the way it was supposed to happen and that
I need to like let it go fully. And again
I didn't even realize it, Like I didn't realize it
until I I was out of this retreat and I
(11:19):
had written down in my journal all my feelings and
I'm like, oh, my goodness, Like I love my mother.
And my mom once told me, she says, you're just
like I don't know, you're just like in love with me,
because I was kind of like I guess, low key
obsessed with her, like I just wanted her approval for everything,
and I did anything I could to make her proud,
and maybe it was too much for her. She didn't
(11:41):
understand it. And I remember feeling when she told me that,
I felt offended. I'm like, what is she talking about it?
She'd think I love her like in a lesbian way
or something. And then through therapy, my life coach was like, yeah,
of course, of course you were in love with her.
That was like your first love, your parents are your
first love. And I was like yeah, but like she
(12:02):
meant it in a negative way and she helped me
like walk through it. And now after the medicine, now
I'm like, yeah, I'm in love with my mother. Hell yeah,
like I am, Like I am now more in love
with her than ever. I see her for the beautiful, wonderful,
like badass woman that she is. And I felt for
(12:23):
so long that I was in her shadow because the
world put that on me. And I'm kind of upset
at myself for allowing so many people's opinion to even
hinder my relationship with my mom even further. Some of
her family, some of her fans like saying, you know,
(12:45):
you just want to be like your mom, like you
want to take her place, and I'm like no, And
I did everything that I could to do the complete
opposite so people could see me. And now I'm like,
f that, dude, this is my mom. If I want
to be like my mom, what's wrong with it? If
I want to sing like my mom, what's wrong with it?
If I want to sing her songs, what's wrong with it?
(13:08):
It's my mom Like she's she's my mother, my father,
my friend. We did everything together, and it sucks that
at the end of her life people that were jealous
of our relationship got between it, and I have forgiven
those people. But I did get upset with myself because
(13:29):
I'm like, why did I allow this, Like, how is
it that I'm barely feeling this now, like it's going
to be thirteen years. But I'm like, no, it's okay,
Like it was a process, like grieving forgiveness is a process.
And it wasn't that I faked forgave her because I
felt it. I thought I had really forgiven her, but
(13:50):
it would come up sometimes, and now I just feel
like it hasn't come up, Like it just doesn't. Now
I'm embracing her. Now I want to do anything and
everything to exalt her, to exalt her name, to keep
her alive. And before I was like running away from it,
and now I'm not. I don't care what anyone says.
(14:11):
I don't care if my management, I don't care if
my team thinks it's not a good idea, Like, I
don't care. I want to praise the woman that raised me,
even if she was hard on me. It's okay. I
needed it. She was the perfect mother for me. She
wasn't the perfect mother, but she was a perfect mother
(14:33):
for me for the type of child that I was,
and I needed it. And now I'm grateful. I have
so many ideas and so many plans, and before I
wanted nothing to do with my mom's stuff. I wanted
to just stay far away from it because it brought
up old memories, painful memories. And now I want to
(14:55):
lean into it. Now I'm like, no, how can I help?
How can I help my sister Jack hopefully? You know,
she has a lot on her plate, and I just
want to help her and hopefully help my mom's legacy
stay alive. And if people compare me to her, that's fine.
I don't care. Compare me all you want, Like that's
my mother and it is what it is. And if
(15:17):
it bothers people, then that's your problem, not my problem.
Like I've gotten to that place of just peace with it.
Now I do. I'm going to sing her songs. I
have so many plans, Like I said, I don't want
to say what yet because right now we're like in
this mode of floor to sent Miatama, which is the
name of my EP. Which that's why in the letter
that I wrote her, it has to do with her,
(15:40):
Like I just finally let my soul bloom. And I
felt like half of my light was dimmed because I
wasn't embracing this side. And now I feel like my music,
everything that I'm doing is going to radiate in a
different way because I'm turning on the other side and
(16:03):
I'm proud. I'm very proud in a different way to
say that that's my mom and that I'm not ashamed
of anything that happened between us, and I'm not upset anymore,
and I completely forgive her and I'm accepting her in
my life in every way, and I'm excited because I
feel her so much, and I feel like she communicates
(16:24):
with me through music, and not just like songs that
I write, but through songs that we liked, the songs
that she liked, or even if like I'm thinking about her,
I'm sad, Like a song comes on and I'm like,
this is my mom speaking to me through music. And
now it's happening a lot more, and I think it's
because I'm accepting it. I'm opening my heart to it.
(16:47):
And I just want to say, like, I know, mother
and daughter relationships are hard, especially with the first daughter.
I don't know what it is, but I've seen there's
something there. There's a pattern there that mothers and daughters
like have this thing like with each other. And I
wanted to heal that because when I do have a daughter,
(17:12):
I want to start off on the right foot, and
I want to tell her about her grandma and how
wonderful she was, because that that's another thing that I
could be honest with you guys about that. For a
long time, Like you know, I didn't want to have
kids because my mom wasn't going to be in the
room with me. I saw her holding my sister's hand
when she had Jayla, and she was such a great coach,
(17:35):
and I just felt jealous of that, and I didn't
want to have kids because I was afraid of having
the same type of relationship. Although we had a beautiful relationship.
Don't get me wrong. It wasn't all bad. But when
it was bad, it was bad. But when it was good,
it was great. Like I know, my mom loved me,
(17:56):
and she showed me in so many different ways. She
was just her way of showing love was providing and
I just sometimes needed a hug. But I know she
loved me very much, and from what I hear from
other people, you know, she would express how much she
loved me to other people, and I think it was
(18:16):
probably just hard for her to express it to me
for whatever reason. But going back to the baby thing,
like I could admit that it was. I was jealous
of that, and I was like, I'm not even going
to have kids because my mom's not going to be
there with me. But now I'll have her in my
heart and I'll remember that time and how she was
coaching my sister through her labor, and that's what it is.
(18:37):
And I know she's with me, you know. And you
know what's crazy. I feel like as I'm getting older,
I'm becoming my mother. It's so crazy, Like just what
did I do the other day. I did something the
(18:58):
other day that I was like, oh my gosh, that
is so my mom, Like I'm catching myself like making
certain faces that she would make. Johnny just told me
the other day, actually yesterday, He's like, keep doing your
hair this way, like it reminds me a lot of
your mother. You look like your mother. And I thought
it when I was doing my hair and I saw
a video. But then when he said it, I was like,
oh my gosh, this is crazy, Like I feel like
(19:20):
it was my mom telling me through Johnny that she
likes this look. I don't know, it was crazy. I
was like, this is so crazy. I thought it and
tell anyone and then Johnny confirmed it. But I do
feel like I'm becoming my mom, and I have her
work ethic and I do my best to not be
(19:40):
a workaholic because my mother was a workaholic. But I
realized that now with this year, that's a little slower.
I realize that I am a workaholic. Guys that I'd
rather be busy. I'd rather be on tour. I think,
I think I'm still trying to figure it out. But
I'm like, oh my goodnes, Maybe I was so busy
(20:02):
because I'm feeling so many different things. I mean, granted,
so much is happening in the world right, a lot
of things that I'm an impath, so I feel everything
and it breaks my heart. And I've thought a lot
about my mom during this time as well, because just
in my recent video Bami Hinte, I put in a
(20:23):
little part of her voice when she was out at
a march and this is like in two thousand and eight,
and she was out there with her people, and that's
something I learned from her. I was like, hell, yeah,
like I need to be with my people, and it's
something that I feel in my heart. It could be
because I learned it from her. It that's just who
I am. But even in that, like there were people
(20:46):
that told me on my team to remove it, and
I said, no, I'm not going to do it. This
is my mom and this is what's happening and this
is very real and if she was here, she would
be doing this as well, and this is my way
of honoring her. And before I would have been like, yeah,
you're right, like you know, they're going to think that
I'm trying to Golgarmente Sufama, like you know, I'm trying
(21:09):
to take advantage. And I was like, no, no, I don't
want people to like tie me to that or now
I don't give a I don't care, Like I'm like,
think whatever you want. This is my mom. I'm proud
of her. I'm proud of what she's done and what
she would be doing that a lot of people aren't
doing if she were here. That is what I'm talking
about when I mean like I want to represent her
(21:31):
her legacy. That is her legacy, that is who she
was as a woman music aside, she'd be out here
fighting with her people and not fighting but you know
what I mean, like raising her voice for her people,
and that is how I choose to honor my mother
and her legacy, and so I didn't remove it and
(21:51):
I'm not going to and we'll see what happens. I'm like,
this is part of the story. This is part of
what like I want to tell through this music, and
this is my way of honoring her. And that's a
promise that I made her on her birthday post this year,
I said, I promised to exalt your name and everything
that I do, because for so long I was scared
(22:14):
because other people would tell me that I needed to
move away from my mom in a way so that
people could see me. And maybe I needed to do
that then so that people could see Cheeky's because yes,
I want people to know me for me, not just
Jenny's daughter. I'm always going to be her daughter and
(22:37):
it's an honor. But for that time, it was Hey, guys,
I want you to hear me and hear my stories.
And I'm fine with that. But now now I feel
like I did what I needed to do in that
side of the world and with that music, and now
with this music, I'm going to do whatever I want,
and that means I'm going to honor her in whatever
(22:58):
way feels natural to me and feels real, and I'm
gonna love her purely, and whoever can't accept that, then
they're not meant to be in this season of my life.
And I'm okay with that, and I'm not scared anymore.
And I was saying something else, and I forgot because
there was something that brought me to this, but I
(23:19):
was saying something initially, and since I can't remember what
I was saying, We'll go back to the baby thing,
because that's very prominent right now in my life. And
I'm no longer scared for those reasons to have a baby.
I mean, obviously there are still fears there because I'm
a woman and because I'm in the industry, and there
are things that worry me a tiny bit. I think
you're never fully prepared to have a child. But when
(23:43):
I have my child, I definitely want to tell my
daughter or my son that had an amazing grandma. And
I'm going to show them all the videos on I
Love Jenny, because thank god, we have those that I
can go back to and they can hear their grandma's
(24:06):
voice and hear her laugh because I love her laugh.
Her laugh is so contagious and hear all the crazy
things that she would say. And also tell them, Mom,
your grandma probably would be canceled, but she wouldn't care,
and she'd come back and bounce right back and tell
her that and tell I keep saying her. So maybe
(24:28):
I'm would have a girl. Huh. I don't know. But
tell my baby and my daughter and my son that
they had a grandmother that really set the tone for
a lot of people, especially in music, and how she
always did what she wanted and what felt real to her,
(24:50):
and how she was always a woman before an artist.
And I really respect that. I admire that so much
because especially then, it was hard and she did it
and she always stay true to herself. And I want
them to know all of these things. And I'm going
to talk to my child as much as I can
(25:12):
about their grandma. Thank God they haven't Melio's mom. She's
going to be amazing. But I know my mom would.
I have loved to see one of my children, and
God willing it happened. You know, if I could tell
my mom anything right now, I would just say thank you,
(25:35):
thank you for being an amazing mom, for doing your
best with what you had for not giving up, because
even though I felt like you gave up on me sometimes,
especially towards the end, I know that you were going
(25:56):
through a lot of pain the way I was, because
I love is real and it's true, and I know
that you love me now. I know you loved me.
For a long time, I doubted it, but now I
feel it. I feel the love that you have for me, Mom,
and I just want to say thank you, and I'm
sorry that I was hard on you, and I'm sorry
(26:18):
that I felt you didn't love me, because you showed
me in so many different ways and I think I
just didn't want to see it because I was so angry.
But I'm not angry anymore and I love you. That's
what I would tell her if she was right here.
(26:39):
And that's it, guys. I'm a mess right now. I
just want to let you guys know that if you
are having a difficult time with your mom, do your
best to try to mend that relationship while they're here.
Some moms can be very toxic, so if they do
(27:04):
more harm to you they're good then you guys know
how I feel about that, But do your best to
mend it. Write them a letter, send them flowers. Try
until trying is no longer an option, but try, and
that is the best advice that I can give you.
That's it, guys, Thank you so much for listening to
(27:25):
this episode. Thank you for allowing me to open my
heart like this. I don't think I talk to anyone
as deeply as intensely as I talk to you, guys,
So thank you for allowing me to have this space.
And you, guys always come back to listen, and I'm
so grateful and hopefully this episode is also healing for you.
(27:52):
I love you, and I will catch you on the
next episode of your favorite podcast, Cheez and Chill. Love you.
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(28:13):
For more podcasts from iHeart, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,
or wherever you listen to your favorite podcast.
Hi, everyone, thank you for tuning in to this very
personal episode of Cheeky's and Chill. I mean, all my
episodes are pretty personal, but this one is especially intimate
because it's about my mom. It's actually a love letter
to my mom. I love her more than I ever have.
I feel like I should have some tishes around for
(00:27):
this episode because I'm probably going to get emotional. But anyway,
this whole thing came up because I was on a
podcast called a Toast to Life and a little piece
of actually a couple pieces of that episode went viral,
and one of them was the fact that I was
(00:48):
honest and I said I barely forgave my mom this
year a couple months ago, and some people understood it.
Other people judged it, and that's okay. Everyone's in title
to their opinion. And I just thought it would be
nice to explain to you guys, the people that I
care about, what I mean. So we're going to dig deep,
(01:10):
and I want to start with this letter I wrote
for my mom and we will go from there. Mama,
now that I'm older, I see you with new eyes,
eyes no longer clouded by judgment, but softened by understanding.
For a long time I carried anger. We weren't speaking
when you left, and the silence between us felt like
(01:33):
a thorn buried deep. There are words, there are lies,
shadows we never had the chance to clear away. I
was angry at that. I was angry at how hard
you could be on me, how heavy your love felt sometimes.
But life has taught me, time has softened me. Now
I see the woman behind the mother, the battles you
(01:55):
fought in silence, the divine spirit you always were. And
so I let go. I forgive you from the root,
with purity, with truth, because forgiveness blooms where pain once grew,
and love, real love makes everything new. Our relationship was complicated,
but it doesn't have to remain that way. What once
(02:18):
was thorn now blossoms into flowers. What once was anger
now grows into peace. So here I am your daughter
with an open heart, choosing you again, choosing us again.
You are my mother, my teacher, my eternal garden of light.
I love you in this life and beyond. And I
(02:41):
wrote that for her because it's a long story. Some
of you may know, some of you may not. But
I went on this journey with medicine. I think we
have briefly spoken about it here. But because I wanted
to become a mother, I wanted to prepare my mind, body,
(03:01):
and soul. And this medicine basically detoxes your body. It's
indigenous medicine, and it opens your heart and it detoxes
you on a physical, emotional, and spiritual level. And I
thought that I had forgiven my mom and I felt
like I wasn't angry anymore. But when I did this medicine,
(03:26):
I was faced with that situation again with my mom,
and I realized that there was still a little bit left,
that the root had to just be uprooted. And I
saw and felt a different side of my mom. I
(03:48):
can't tell you that she appeared. It's nothing like that.
It's just I felt her. I felt the pain that
she was in right before she I felt the pain
of a mother, being a single mother. I felt the
pain of being a daughter of a mother that was
(04:10):
very hard on her. And then I just understood and
it all made sense, and I understood that I was
chosen to break these generational cycles and even in some
cases curses from our ancestors, and that's what this medicine does.
And I didn't even know this was going to happen.
(04:31):
I just knew I am going to lean in. I'm
going to just surrender to this medicine and let God
do what he needs to do. And he definitely did.
And that was in March, and I see my mom
with completely different eyes, Guys, Like, it's crazy. I think
(04:52):
of even the bad moments and it doesn't hurt me,
it doesn't anger me the way it used to, Like
it just all makes sense now, like everything literally did
have to happen the way it happened, even the bad stuff,
because I wasn't Maybe the easiest child to raise is
she didn't understand me because I was so different from her,
(05:13):
And if she hadn't been so hard on me, then
maybe I would have been a different person, a different woman.
And I'm okay with that, Like I'm okay with how
she decided to discipline me. Do I want to discipline
my child that way? No, But I'm not judging her
for it. She was young and I needed it. And
(05:38):
now what I could do is learn from that experience
and learn from my mother and learn from our relationship,
and hopefully when I have my child, use all of
these things that I've learned to correct it because I
don't want this to keep going. And I just thought
about that. I remember my mom telling me about things
(05:58):
that my grandmother did and how she was with her,
and I think that just kept on going until it
got to us and affected not only me, my sisters
as well. But I can't speak for them because they're
not here obviously, but how it affected us in different ways.
But I think the important thing here is really just
seeing the person at their core. And now I see
(06:23):
my mom for that divine being that she is and
that she always was. It's just life happens, and life
causes us to go about our life in a certain way,
and it changes us if we allow it. And I
think my moms didn't have the chance to. She was
so young when she passed to realize, hey, I could
(06:47):
do this differently. I could say things differently, I could
react differently, and she didn't get to go through therapy
the way I have. But this is why I'm here,
and this is why I'm here to change things now,
going back to my mom what I have forgiven her
(07:07):
for because some of the comments I saw when that
piece of the podcast went viral were I think you
got it confused, your mom has to forgive you because
some people still have this idea that I slept with
my mom's husband, which is not true. Never happened. Ever,
(07:32):
it was just hearsay, and I know my mom and
I were going to be fine, but I had to
forgive her because and granted I wasn't the perfect daughter.
I'm sure there are things that you know I would
have to if she was here, ask for forgiveness, but
that definitely did not happen. And I don't have to
apologize for that because it never happened, but it caused
(07:55):
a lot of problems in the world. And I was
very angry about that for a long long time, and
it would go on and off, and I never understood
why it happened. Well maybe then now I guess it
(08:18):
makes a little bit more sense. But I was just upset.
I was upset at her, and I'm like, how in
the hell could you do this? How could you not
give me the time of day to hear me out.
She would just shut down and just completely erase you,
and then she would come back whenever she felt like it,
and and that it really upset me, and I didn't
(08:43):
want to carry that and I thought I had forgiven it,
but now I really truly feel like I've let it go,
Like it's it's fine. I'm not going to let that
determine my relationship with her from here on out. And
it happened. We're over it. I'm still alive. I'm here.
God ha really showed up and showed off in my life.
(09:06):
And I do feel that it's also her, you know,
from where she is, she's helping me. It's her way
of saying, hey, I'm sorry, I'm going to help you,
and I'm going to help open doors for you, and
here are some opportunities. And I do feel a lot
of everything that's happened in my life has been heaven
sent and she has a lot to do with it.
(09:27):
So that's what I felt I needed to forgive my
mom for mainly other things like being so hard on me.
I never understood why I was treated differently than my
sister Jackie, you know, who is the second child. And
I felt like Jackie could get away with murder for real,
(09:50):
Like my mom once said, She's like, it's because she's
she's like me, you know, it's revele, you know, and
she's a rebel, and I'm like that, and I'm like, dude, here,
I am trying to do everything perfec and I always
get the short end of the stick. So I kind
of always resented my mom for that and I didn't
understand it. And now I'm like, it is what it is.
I am so happy with how I turned out, and
(10:14):
I owe it to my mom, Like she was tough
on me and that's the way she had to be
and that was her decision and I'm grateful for it.
So I just kind of turned it around and said,
you know what, I'm glad that she was able to
give my sister that love and that attention and that
like praise because my sister needed that. I didn't know
(10:35):
for a long time that my sister felt like she
was in my shadow. She felt like my mom didn't
really like pay much attention to her and it was
more about me. So I think we were feeling that
at the same time, not knowing that, like, well, I
felt the same way about you, you know, so things
like that, And again I thought I had gotten over
(10:59):
all of these things. But when I did this medicine
in my time of prayer, I realized that it all
happened the way it was supposed to happen and that
I need to like let it go fully. And again
I didn't even realize it, Like I didn't realize it
until I I was out of this retreat and I
(11:19):
had written down in my journal all my feelings and
I'm like, oh, my goodness, Like I love my mother.
And my mom once told me, she says, you're just
like I don't know, you're just like in love with me,
because I was kind of like I guess, low key
obsessed with her, like I just wanted her approval for everything,
and I did anything I could to make her proud,
and maybe it was too much for her. She didn't
(11:41):
understand it. And I remember feeling when she told me that,
I felt offended. I'm like, what is she talking about it?
She'd think I love her like in a lesbian way
or something. And then through therapy, my life coach was like, yeah,
of course, of course you were in love with her.
That was like your first love, your parents are your
first love. And I was like yeah, but like she
(12:02):
meant it in a negative way and she helped me
like walk through it. And now after the medicine, now
I'm like, yeah, I'm in love with my mother. Hell yeah,
like I am, Like I am now more in love
with her than ever. I see her for the beautiful, wonderful,
like badass woman that she is. And I felt for
(12:23):
so long that I was in her shadow because the
world put that on me. And I'm kind of upset
at myself for allowing so many people's opinion to even
hinder my relationship with my mom even further. Some of
her family, some of her fans like saying, you know,
(12:45):
you just want to be like your mom, like you
want to take her place, and I'm like no, And
I did everything that I could to do the complete
opposite so people could see me. And now I'm like,
f that, dude, this is my mom. If I want
to be like my mom, what's wrong with it? If
I want to sing like my mom, what's wrong with it?
If I want to sing her songs, what's wrong with it?
(13:08):
It's my mom Like she's she's my mother, my father,
my friend. We did everything together, and it sucks that
at the end of her life people that were jealous
of our relationship got between it, and I have forgiven
those people. But I did get upset with myself because
(13:29):
I'm like, why did I allow this, Like, how is
it that I'm barely feeling this now, like it's going
to be thirteen years. But I'm like, no, it's okay,
Like it was a process, like grieving forgiveness is a process.
And it wasn't that I faked forgave her because I
felt it. I thought I had really forgiven her, but
(13:50):
it would come up sometimes, and now I just feel
like it hasn't come up, Like it just doesn't. Now
I'm embracing her. Now I want to do anything and
everything to exalt her, to exalt her name, to keep
her alive. And before I was like running away from it,
and now I'm not. I don't care what anyone says.
(14:11):
I don't care if my management, I don't care if
my team thinks it's not a good idea, Like, I
don't care. I want to praise the woman that raised me,
even if she was hard on me. It's okay. I
needed it. She was the perfect mother for me. She
wasn't the perfect mother, but she was a perfect mother
(14:33):
for me for the type of child that I was,
and I needed it. And now I'm grateful. I have
so many ideas and so many plans, and before I
wanted nothing to do with my mom's stuff. I wanted
to just stay far away from it because it brought
up old memories, painful memories. And now I want to
(14:55):
lean into it. Now I'm like, no, how can I help?
How can I help my sister Jack hopefully? You know,
she has a lot on her plate, and I just
want to help her and hopefully help my mom's legacy
stay alive. And if people compare me to her, that's fine.
I don't care. Compare me all you want, Like that's
my mother and it is what it is. And if
(15:17):
it bothers people, then that's your problem, not my problem.
Like I've gotten to that place of just peace with it.
Now I do. I'm going to sing her songs. I
have so many plans, Like I said, I don't want
to say what yet because right now we're like in
this mode of floor to sent Miatama, which is the
name of my EP. Which that's why in the letter
that I wrote her, it has to do with her,
(15:40):
Like I just finally let my soul bloom. And I
felt like half of my light was dimmed because I
wasn't embracing this side. And now I feel like my music,
everything that I'm doing is going to radiate in a
different way because I'm turning on the other side and
(16:03):
I'm proud. I'm very proud in a different way to
say that that's my mom and that I'm not ashamed
of anything that happened between us, and I'm not upset anymore,
and I completely forgive her and I'm accepting her in
my life in every way, and I'm excited because I
feel her so much, and I feel like she communicates
(16:24):
with me through music, and not just like songs that
I write, but through songs that we liked, the songs
that she liked, or even if like I'm thinking about her,
I'm sad, Like a song comes on and I'm like,
this is my mom speaking to me through music. And
now it's happening a lot more, and I think it's
because I'm accepting it. I'm opening my heart to it.
(16:47):
And I just want to say, like, I know, mother
and daughter relationships are hard, especially with the first daughter.
I don't know what it is, but I've seen there's
something there. There's a pattern there that mothers and daughters
like have this thing like with each other. And I
wanted to heal that because when I do have a daughter,
(17:12):
I want to start off on the right foot, and
I want to tell her about her grandma and how
wonderful she was, because that that's another thing that I
could be honest with you guys about that. For a
long time, Like you know, I didn't want to have
kids because my mom wasn't going to be in the
room with me. I saw her holding my sister's hand
when she had Jayla, and she was such a great coach,
(17:35):
and I just felt jealous of that, and I didn't
want to have kids because I was afraid of having
the same type of relationship. Although we had a beautiful relationship.
Don't get me wrong. It wasn't all bad. But when
it was bad, it was bad. But when it was good,
it was great. Like I know, my mom loved me,
(17:56):
and she showed me in so many different ways. She
was just her way of showing love was providing and
I just sometimes needed a hug. But I know she
loved me very much, and from what I hear from
other people, you know, she would express how much she
loved me to other people, and I think it was
(18:16):
probably just hard for her to express it to me
for whatever reason. But going back to the baby thing,
like I could admit that it was. I was jealous
of that, and I was like, I'm not even going
to have kids because my mom's not going to be
there with me. But now I'll have her in my
heart and I'll remember that time and how she was
coaching my sister through her labor, and that's what it is.
(18:37):
And I know she's with me, you know. And you
know what's crazy. I feel like as I'm getting older,
I'm becoming my mother. It's so crazy, Like just what
did I do the other day. I did something the
(18:58):
other day that I was like, oh my gosh, that
is so my mom, Like I'm catching myself like making
certain faces that she would make. Johnny just told me
the other day, actually yesterday, He's like, keep doing your
hair this way, like it reminds me a lot of
your mother. You look like your mother. And I thought
it when I was doing my hair and I saw
a video. But then when he said it, I was like,
oh my gosh, this is crazy, Like I feel like
(19:20):
it was my mom telling me through Johnny that she
likes this look. I don't know, it was crazy. I
was like, this is so crazy. I thought it and
tell anyone and then Johnny confirmed it. But I do
feel like I'm becoming my mom, and I have her
work ethic and I do my best to not be
(19:40):
a workaholic because my mother was a workaholic. But I
realized that now with this year, that's a little slower.
I realize that I am a workaholic. Guys that I'd
rather be busy. I'd rather be on tour. I think,
I think I'm still trying to figure it out. But
I'm like, oh my goodnes, Maybe I was so busy
(20:02):
because I'm feeling so many different things. I mean, granted,
so much is happening in the world right, a lot
of things that I'm an impath, so I feel everything
and it breaks my heart. And I've thought a lot
about my mom during this time as well, because just
in my recent video Bami Hinte, I put in a
(20:23):
little part of her voice when she was out at
a march and this is like in two thousand and eight,
and she was out there with her people, and that's
something I learned from her. I was like, hell, yeah,
like I need to be with my people, and it's
something that I feel in my heart. It could be
because I learned it from her. It that's just who
I am. But even in that, like there were people
(20:46):
that told me on my team to remove it, and
I said, no, I'm not going to do it. This
is my mom and this is what's happening and this
is very real and if she was here, she would
be doing this as well, and this is my way
of honoring her. And before I would have been like, yeah,
you're right, like you know, they're going to think that
I'm trying to Golgarmente Sufama, like you know, I'm trying
(21:09):
to take advantage. And I was like, no, no, I don't
want people to like tie me to that or now
I don't give a I don't care, Like I'm like,
think whatever you want. This is my mom. I'm proud
of her. I'm proud of what she's done and what
she would be doing that a lot of people aren't
doing if she were here. That is what I'm talking
about when I mean like I want to represent her
(21:31):
her legacy. That is her legacy, that is who she
was as a woman music aside, she'd be out here
fighting with her people and not fighting but you know
what I mean, like raising her voice for her people,
and that is how I choose to honor my mother
and her legacy, and so I didn't remove it and
(21:51):
I'm not going to and we'll see what happens. I'm like,
this is part of the story. This is part of
what like I want to tell through this music, and
this is my way of honoring her. And that's a
promise that I made her on her birthday post this year,
I said, I promised to exalt your name and everything
that I do, because for so long I was scared
(22:14):
because other people would tell me that I needed to
move away from my mom in a way so that
people could see me. And maybe I needed to do
that then so that people could see Cheeky's because yes,
I want people to know me for me, not just
Jenny's daughter. I'm always going to be her daughter and
(22:37):
it's an honor. But for that time, it was Hey, guys,
I want you to hear me and hear my stories.
And I'm fine with that. But now now I feel
like I did what I needed to do in that
side of the world and with that music, and now
with this music, I'm going to do whatever I want,
and that means I'm going to honor her in whatever
(22:58):
way feels natural to me and feels real, and I'm
gonna love her purely, and whoever can't accept that, then
they're not meant to be in this season of my life.
And I'm okay with that, and I'm not scared anymore.
And I was saying something else, and I forgot because
there was something that brought me to this, but I
(23:19):
was saying something initially, and since I can't remember what
I was saying, We'll go back to the baby thing,
because that's very prominent right now in my life. And
I'm no longer scared for those reasons to have a baby.
I mean, obviously there are still fears there because I'm
a woman and because I'm in the industry, and there
are things that worry me a tiny bit. I think
you're never fully prepared to have a child. But when
(23:43):
I have my child, I definitely want to tell my
daughter or my son that had an amazing grandma. And
I'm going to show them all the videos on I
Love Jenny, because thank god, we have those that I
can go back to and they can hear their grandma's
(24:06):
voice and hear her laugh because I love her laugh.
Her laugh is so contagious and hear all the crazy
things that she would say. And also tell them, Mom,
your grandma probably would be canceled, but she wouldn't care,
and she'd come back and bounce right back and tell
her that and tell I keep saying her. So maybe
(24:28):
I'm would have a girl. Huh. I don't know. But
tell my baby and my daughter and my son that
they had a grandmother that really set the tone for
a lot of people, especially in music, and how she
always did what she wanted and what felt real to her,
(24:50):
and how she was always a woman before an artist.
And I really respect that. I admire that so much
because especially then, it was hard and she did it
and she always stay true to herself. And I want
them to know all of these things. And I'm going
to talk to my child as much as I can
(25:12):
about their grandma. Thank God they haven't Melio's mom. She's
going to be amazing. But I know my mom would.
I have loved to see one of my children, and
God willing it happened. You know, if I could tell
my mom anything right now, I would just say thank you,
(25:35):
thank you for being an amazing mom, for doing your
best with what you had for not giving up, because
even though I felt like you gave up on me sometimes,
especially towards the end, I know that you were going
(25:56):
through a lot of pain the way I was, because
I love is real and it's true, and I know
that you love me now. I know you loved me.
For a long time, I doubted it, but now I
feel it. I feel the love that you have for me, Mom,
and I just want to say thank you, and I'm
sorry that I was hard on you, and I'm sorry
(26:18):
that I felt you didn't love me, because you showed
me in so many different ways and I think I
just didn't want to see it because I was so angry.
But I'm not angry anymore and I love you. That's
what I would tell her if she was right here.
(26:39):
And that's it, guys. I'm a mess right now. I
just want to let you guys know that if you
are having a difficult time with your mom, do your
best to try to mend that relationship while they're here.
Some moms can be very toxic, so if they do
(27:04):
more harm to you they're good then you guys know
how I feel about that, But do your best to
mend it. Write them a letter, send them flowers. Try
until trying is no longer an option, but try, and
that is the best advice that I can give you.
That's it, guys, Thank you so much for listening to
(27:25):
this episode. Thank you for allowing me to open my
heart like this. I don't think I talk to anyone
as deeply as intensely as I talk to you, guys,
So thank you for allowing me to have this space.
And you, guys always come back to listen, and I'm
so grateful and hopefully this episode is also healing for you.
(27:52):
I love you, and I will catch you on the
next episode of your favorite podcast, Cheez and Chill. Love you.
This is a production of iHeartRadio and the Micaela podcast Network.
Follow us on Instagram at Michael Doura Podcasts, then follow
me Chicky's That's c h I q U I s.
(28:13):
For more podcasts from iHeart, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,
or wherever you listen to your favorite podcast.
Host
Chiquis
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