Be Emotionally Intelligent

Hi, guys! If you’re tuning into this episode, you might be wondering what emotional intelligence is. Well, you’re in luck! Because I’m breaking it down for you and I’m telling you why I think it’s important, how it can affect relationships and so much more.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:06):
What up, y'all. Welcome to the Cheeckens and Chill podcast,
your favorite podcast, I know. Thank you. On today's episode,
we're going to be talking about emotional intelligence. What is
emotional intelligence, why is it valuable? How can you get
better at it? We're going to talk about all of

(00:26):
this and more so stay tuned. Okay. So, emotional intelligence
is something that is fairly new for me. I heard
it for the first time with Emilio believe it or
not a few years ago, and now in retrospect, I

(00:49):
feel like in certain areas of my life I've been
emotionally intelligent, and in others I have not. I have
been quite the opposite. I don't know if this is
like a new term, but it is something that I've
been hearing a lot more. And I was talking about
it with my trainer, Cody, who has also been on
Cheekys and Chill, and we always have very deep conversations,

(01:10):
funny ones and deep ones while I'm working out, and
it came up emotional intelligence and I was like, I
want to do an episode on that because it is
something that I feel that is very valuable, like I said,
and it can really help you in your relationships in
business and friendships in every area of your life. But
let me start by defining what emotional intelligence is. Okay,

(01:35):
emotional intelligence is a set of skills that help us recognize, understand,
and manage our own emotions, as well as recognize, understand,
and influence the emotions of others. So being emotionally intelligent,
what are the benefits being a better communicator, being better

(01:55):
at conflict and resolution, being empathetic, Okay, being better at
understanding other people, getting out of our own feelings, and
putting yourself in other people's shoes. You guys might think
my relationship is perfect, and honestly, it's the best relationship
I've ever been in. But no relationship is perfect, and

(02:19):
I've had to learn that because he's not perfect, I'm
not perfect. And it's two people coming together and trying
to coexist. And his mind is one mind and my
mind is another. And this is where I have felt
that I have benefited the most with being emotionally intelligent.
It's taking a breath when we're arguing and I'm like,

(02:41):
I don't agree with what he's saying right now, but
I'm gonna breathe. I'm gonna breathe. And he didn't understand
this for a long time because I'd be like, you
know what, I need some time, let me process. I
need to process my emotions because if I don't process
my emotions, then I'm going to be impulsive and I'm
gonna lash and I'm going to say things that I
don't want to say. And he would get upset, like

(03:04):
you're just walking away, like you're not listening to me.
And I'm like, this is the way I process things.
And I didn't even know that I was being quote
unquote emotionally intelligent. It's just something that I'm like, if
I want this relationship to be different from the others,
I need to do things differently. And so that was
my way instead of cause I can argue, Oh, and
I can yell and I could get ugly. Oh I can.

(03:27):
And it's not something I'm proud of. But I've come
to a place where I'm like, if there is anyone
in my life that brings that out in me more
than being kind, I can't have you in my life.
I don't care who you are. Thank God, that's not
the issue. Thank God that's not a problem. Do I
get ugly? Yeah, can you do it once in a while. Yeah,

(03:48):
uh huh. But I've learned through my emotional intelligence that
I need to breathe and I need to excuse myself
and go outside and sit on my favorite chair that
I've been sitting on for months now, and I'm looking
at my trees and I'm just like, okay. Instead of
just thinking about what he said that hurt my feelings
and what he needs to change, I sit there, I'm like, Okay,

(04:12):
what did I do to add to this problem? You
look inward? So many people want to point fingers, and
trust me, I used to do it all the time.
It's them, it's them, it's them, it's them, them them
them them them them. Uh girl, what about you look
at these four fingers that are pointing back at you.
You obviously did something to cause this. Like in certain circumstances,

(04:36):
people are just mean and you know, ugly, and you
don't want those people in your life anyway, But when
things get heated or you know that. I mean, I
love Emilio and I think he's a great guy, and
you know, but it does take a lot for him
to get to a certain place. And I also have
to accept that I have done things to make him
feel that way. So that's what I do. Now. I

(04:57):
sit outside and I'm like, I need to think. I
need to calm down first and foremost, and I need
to figure out what I did and what I can
do differently, and how can I speak to him in
a different way so that things don't get even louder
and worse. And that is having emotional intelligence, guys. But again,
it wasn't always like that. So anything I share on

(05:18):
this podcast, it's because it's come from my personal experience,
my life, and I just want to be vulnerable and
transparent with you, guys, because that's the only way that
I can help you. So don't ever feel like I
have it all together, because I don't. I strive every
single day to be better. Some days I am, sometimes
i'm not, And now I'm better with expressing that and saying, hey,

(05:41):
I'm not in my best self right now. I can't
do this today, So if you can just give me
some time, that's having emotional intelligence. If I force myself
to do things because I have to in certain cases, Yes,
I mean is my podcast. Like last week, I had
to cancel a date because I was like, hey, I'm
going to be talking about a certain subjects and I

(06:01):
just I'm not feeling it right now. Can you please
excuse me? Because I want to be in a good
place when I'm talking about this, because i want to
be one hundred percent honest, and if I'm not feeling good,
I'm not going to be able to make my people
feel good. And my producer was like, absolutely, totally understand.
That's being emotionally intelligent. Now, there are certain things that
we have no choice, but I mean, we got to

(06:23):
go to work. If not, we get fired. I get that.
But instead of walking into work with the problems that
you have at home, sit in your car for a
little bit, breathe, get yourself in alignment, and just say, Okay,
no things are messed up at home or I'm not
having a good day, but I'm not going to bring
this into work. I'm not going to take it out

(06:43):
on other people. That is having emotional intelligence, just being
upset and treating everyone else mean because you're having a
bad day, that's not cool. It's not anyone else's fault.
And that's why you just have to sit in your
car before you walk in and just take deep breaths
and be like Okay, it's okay. I'm going to leave
it here. I'm not going to bring it into work
with me. I'm gonna walk in there and I'm gonna
be my best self and smile because these people deserve

(07:07):
my best self even if I'm not feeling it right now.
The best thing for me to do is not fake it,
but just smile, because once you smile, it's contagious and
you feel a little bit better when you force yourself
to be like, Okay, my smile. You know it's not
as beautiful as it is every day, but at least
I'm trying, you know. So those are just small examples
of emotional intelligence. And I'll give you more examples because

(07:31):
I wrote a bunch of stuff down and it has
nothing to do let me tell you, Okay, because people
think intelligence, oh my gosh, it has to do with
me being smart. No, no, no, this is something that
you work through. This is something that you learn through experience.
I mean, if you were just born with it and
you're like, Okay, you're just awesome, and that's great. But
I had to learn it. I had to learn to
calm myself down. I had to learn to not be impulsive.

(07:55):
I had to unlearn a lot of things that I
learned from my parents, from my family, and because I
want to be better, because I want to really be better.
So if you're here to be better at Cheeks and Chill,
then this episode is for you, because it will really
be life changing, guys, if you really practice these things
in whatever situation you're in. But before I get into

(08:18):
like examples and stuff like that, I do want to
share with you guys, because I really admire Oprah, someone
that I have admired for a long time, and it's
because of my mom. But Oprah once said guys that
she thinks that she's been very successful in her career
because she's so emotionally intelligent, empathetic, and compassionate. And I

(08:39):
really do feel that that has to do with my
success and everything that I've been able to accomplish. And
I remember watching Oprah on television and she was always
so giving and in her talk shows she would cry
with her guests. She was connected, and that's what made

(09:00):
her so special and so magical and so different was
because she wasn't just like news reporters just cold and
like giving you the news and like not one tier,
not no compassion and granted, that's how they have to be.
I would never be able to be a news reporter.
I would never be able to be a doctor. I
would cry probably every day, like there's just no way

(09:24):
God gave me this platform that I have because I'm
able to connect with people the way Oprah did. And
I didn't learn that from her. It's just something that
that's how I was born, you know. And but I
love that I connected with Oprah because she was like that.
She was also so giving guys. She would give away
cars to all her audience. I'm like, there's so many

(09:45):
people going through so much in life right now. I'm like,
if I was a billionaire like X, Y and Z
and we all know who they are, dude, I would
do so much for the community. It's crazy. I'm like,
where are all these billions that can help out and
they have this money to spare. But anyway, I do
think that because I'm compassionate and I'm an impath, it

(10:10):
has helped me and I've been able to have this
longevity in my career because I'm real and that is
part of being emotionally intelligent, like feeling other people's pain
and even if you don't feel it, saying damn, like
I can't even imagine being in that position, trying to
put yourself in those people's shoes. A lot of people

(10:33):
just turn the other way, the other cheek, like, Oh,
that's not my problem. I don't got to worry about immigration. Well,
I don't have to worry about starvation. I don't have
to worry about X, Y and Z because I'm good,
I'm chilling. Yeah, but you never know what can happen tomorrow.
You just never know. And it is all connected, guys.

(10:54):
It's all intertwined. Being compassionate, being emotionally intelligent, and feeling people,
putting yourself in their shoes, all of it, guys. Okay,
now that I've said all that, let me share some

(11:15):
key components just as a refresher and to bring everything together. Okay,
So again, what is emotional intelligence? The ability to understand, manage,
and express your own emotions in healthy ways. Okay, Now,
self awareness, knowing your emotions and triggers, self regulation, managing impulses,
not letting emotions control you. Motivation, staying positive and resilient

(11:38):
through challenges, Empathy, understanding others feelings without words. H We
need more empathy in this world. More love right now.
Don't let me get into that. Social skills, communicating, listening,
and resolving conflict peacefully. I've had to learn that, especially
in this relationship. Yeah, it's been great because you know what,

(12:01):
he's also very emotionally intelligent. And again he learned that
therapy and then taught me that, and I was like,
oh wait, it all makes sense. So now I'm teaching you. Okay, now,
how do you know? If you're emotionally intelligent? You can
name what you're feeling instead of just reacting. You pause
before responding when you're upset. It's a good one. You
take responsibility for your emotions instead of blaming others. That's

(12:26):
a huge one. Guys. It took me a long time. Okay.
It's not easy to look at yourself in the mirror
and say like, okay, what do I do to cause
these problems and attract this to my life. It's not easy,
but it is life changing. When you face yourself stop
blaming other people. You can apologize sincerely without excuses. Mm hmm.

(12:52):
You truly listen not just to words, but tone, body language,
and energy. You see emotions as information and not weakness
and one that I did not write down just came
to me. Listen to understand in any situation, Listen to
understand instead of to react. That for me was a

(13:14):
big one as well, having to learn this. Someone would
tell me something and I was like, oh my god,
they're just being mean, They're being mean and blah blah blah,
that I would just like make it about myself, and
it's like, wait a second, let me understand, let me
read between the lines. I want to understand. I don't
want to just listen to you so I can have
something to tell you because I want to win, because

(13:35):
I want to have the last word, like no, that
is not cute. I did that for a long time.
It takes all your energy, guys, stop it right now.
As soon as you can listen to people to understand
and have compassion. Because we all have dark places, dark
areas in our life. We've all been through something and
it causes us to act and react a certain way

(13:55):
and to express ourselves in a certain way. And once
we heal that and once we understand, then we're able
to just really understand why certain things are happening. And
just a little personal thing that I wrote when I
was kind of writing this for you guys and preparing
for this episode like my own realization about my emotional intelligence,

(14:15):
and I like, you know, to write it down, because
then I'll forget Okay. So I realized I was becoming
more emotionally intelligent when I could admit I'm upset right
now without lashing out, or when I could sit with
someone else's pain without rushing to fix it. Emotional intelligence
isn't about being perfect or always calm, no, no, no.

(14:36):
It's about knowing yourself so well that you can navigate
situations with more love, patience, and honesty. And I think
it's really important to state that you're not always going
to be emotionally intelligent in every situation. Every day. I'm
not for sure, And I think it's just now that

(14:58):
you know what it is, you're able to recognize it
and correct it. And that's what it's all about. We
talked about how to know if you are emotionally intelligent.
Now let's talk about the other side of the coin,
which is signs of someone not being emotionally intelligent. Here

(15:19):
we go. They can't handle criticism, They get defensive, angry,
or shut down. That was me, especially in my relationships.
I wanted to be perfect and I was like, wait,
what I'm wrong, You're trippin'. Yeah, yeah, it was bad.
They blame everyone else and never take accountability. And I've

(15:42):
shared this with you guys with my relationship with Emilio,
that I had to face myself when I first met
him because I was like, wait a second, like I
have someone here. He was doing therapy. He was pretty good,
you know, a lot better than my past relationships. And
I think cause I was so consumed with what my
past part were doing wrong and they did really bad

(16:02):
things that I never really had the energy or the
time to look at myself. And in this relationship, I
was able to see myself and realize, oh shit, I'm
not perfect. So I stop blaming everyone else and I
started looking inward. How we talked about earlier. They don't
notice how they affect others with their words, their tone,
The timing just doesn't register. Okay, got to just breathe

(16:26):
take some take Like if you're at a ten, then
you bring it down to like a seven and be like,
oh hold up, I'm really upset right now. Let me
just bring it down so that I am not like
because a tone oh, a tone can do a lot,
and words they're piercing, guys, So you got to just
breathe and take your time. I'm telling you, all these

(16:48):
things that i'm naming are things that I dealt with. Okay,
So yeah, don't feel bad if there are things that
you're you're hearing right now and you're like, oh my gosh,
I do that. Girl. We all do that. We've all
done it. It's okay, we're human. We're gonna correct it. Okay.
They avoid emotions, saying things like stop crying, it's not
a big deal, or I don't do feelings. I haven't

(17:09):
really struggled with that because I am an impath. So
if someone's crying, I just like right away want to
just hug you and fix it. I'm like, oh my god,
I'm sorry I hurt your feelings. But there are people
who are like, okay, you're crying, like stop, Like that's
they're just rude. I'm very dismissive, and that sucks. That's
not being emotionally intelligent. Like if someone is crying, that
is like an actual indication tears that you they're really hurt,

(17:34):
you know, So it's like stop and try to like
you know, like, listen to people's feelings and emotions. They're
not always going to be like right, but at least
if you listen, you're gonna make the person feel better,
you know. Okay, they dominate conversations and rarely listen. We
talked about that already. Okay, listen to understand and not
just to react. They struggle with conflict, either avoiding it

(17:54):
completely or escalating into arguments. That was me. I was like,
I don't like confrontation. I'm just gonna like brush it
under the rug. It'll go away. And then all of
a sudden, you have a huge amountain of just freaking
crap underneath that rug and you can't freaking deny it anymore,

(18:15):
and it just comes up and just makes a big
ball of like dust. And I would just do that
a lot because I was like, oh, I don't like confrontation,
I don't like conflicts. I'm just gonna be quiet. I'm
not gonna tell my feelings. I'm just gonna excuse this. Okay,
we'll just move on because we're just gonna have a
better day. No no, no, no, it builds up and it comes
out like a volcano, So be careful with that, and

(18:36):
I would also not breathe and take my time to
breathe and process and reflect, and then I would just
go bananas and have these outbursts that were just ridiculous
and say things that I did not mean, and not
only was I hurting myself, of course, I was hurting
the other person. So it's just like those things, guys, like,

(18:56):
it's gonna take time. And again, don't feel bad if
I've mentioned and a few and you're like that's me
or all of them, are you? It's all right. That's
why you're here. We are going to correct this and
little by little get it right, and this is the
first step. And with all that being said, now I
just want to leave you guys with some reflections before

(19:17):
we conclude this episode, so that you can think of
these and maybe journal about them and write them down
or come back to the episode and listen. When was
the last time I reacted emotionally instead of responding calmly.
I did that five days ago, yep. And I had
therapy yesterday and I was corrected and it's okay, I understand,
and I'm emotionally intelligent enough to say, okay, yeah, you're right.

(19:41):
I was wrong I'm sorry, babe. Okay. Do I take
accountability for my emotions or do I blame others? How
do I handle criticism? Do I get defensive or do
I listen? Do people feel heard and safe when they
talk to me? That was one thing that Emilio started
expressing that he wasn't feeling very safe to talk about

(20:03):
certain things that were happening or in the house, or
certain things that he wanted to bring up to me
because he was afraid that I was going to get upset.
And I don't like him to feel that way. So
now we're finding ways to speak to each other so
that he feels safe to talk to me, because I
don't want him feel like I'm his mom. I don't
want to feel like I'm with like a child and
that's not cool, like he should be able to express himself.
I think it was just we went through like a

(20:24):
little rough patch and things were happening, like that's just
a relationship that happens. But yeah, I was like, okay, wait,
what can I do differently so that he feels safe
to talk to me because I don't want him bottling
these things up and then it turns into resentment, you know,
and last one, what's one area where I can practice
more empathy this week? Yeah, we need a lot of

(20:45):
empathy right now, guys, and love in the world and light.
There's a lot happening. Oh anyway, guys, that is it.
That is this episode. And I just want to tell you,
guys and remind you that emotional and intelligence is a
life time practice. Okay. It's about progress, not perfection. When

(21:06):
we know ourselves, honor our emotions and respect the emotions
of others, we create more love, peace and strength in
our lives and in the world around us. Okay, and
remember as well that emotional intelligence has nothing to do
with your IQ at all. Thank you guys for listening.
I'm so grateful that you're here, that you choose to
come back to listen to Cheeky's and chill and dear

(21:29):
Cheeky's and now sincerely Janee, thank you guys for allowing
me to express myself and for taking the time. It
means a lot. And if you know someone that would
benefit from this episode, please share it. Poor for war
and yeah, that's all. I love you, I appreciate you,
I thank God for you that I am now on

(21:49):
my fourth season, going on our fifth season of Cheeki's
and chill y'all. Thanks to you, so yeah, I have
a beautiful day. And be compassionate with yourself. Okay, be
patient with yourself. We got this. We got this. I
love you, Talk to you soon. This is a production

(22:10):
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