June 23, 2025 • 22 mins
Hello, hello! Welcome back to Chiquis and Chill. I have a pretty big birthday coming up this week and I wanted to share how I’m feeling about it – and where I’ll be spending it. Additionally, my mom recently came to me in a dream to warn me about something pretty scary ahead of my birthday. And since I believe in speaking your dreams in order to prevent them from coming true, I’m sharing it with you here on the podcast.
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Speaker 1 (00:04):
Hello, my beautiful friends, Welcome to your favorite podcast, Cheek
is in Chill, where you come to chill, grow, and glow. Okay,
I'm going to take a deep breath because I can
already tell that this episode is going to be a lot,
and I'm calling it Chapter forty. I have a pretty
big birthday coming up on Thursday, June twenty six, and
(00:25):
I'll be honest, sometimes even saying that number out loud
makes me pause, and not because I'm ashamed of it,
but because there's this weird energy around it, like you're
supposed to have everything figured out by forty, Like there's
this invisible checklist career, family, body, love, healing, and if
you haven't hit all the marks, there's a whisper that
says you're behind. So I want to talk about all
(00:47):
of that, and I'm gonna be completely vulnerable and tell
you exactly what I'm feeling and what I'm thinking, because
that's what this podcast is all about. And I'm not
going to worry about what other people are going to
say because what I have to say is more important.
So let's talk about it Chapter forty. Guys, I mean honestly,
(01:10):
even hearing that and hearing that number jolts me, and
I've been trying to figure out why, because if I
sit here today, I'm very proud of everything I've been
able to accomplish, especially with all the adversities and the
obstacles I've had to face, and the loss and the
grief that I have faced, especially in the past twelve years.
(01:34):
I mean ever since I was twelve years old when
I lost my dad and not physically well physically because
he ran That's a whole other story. But it's been
a lot, and I'm very proud of how far I've
come and that I've been able to keep my heart
in the right place despite how mean people have been.
(01:54):
And I'm forty and for the majority of my adulthood,
I had decided I wasn't going to have kids, and
I made certain choices and I live my life a
certain way because I just didn't think I was going
to have kids. Like I was like, Okay, I'm good
(02:15):
with not having children. I raise my siblings. I'm good
with taking care of other people's kids. If I have
a man that has kids, I'll take care of his kids.
I'm fine with that. I'll adopt. But now that I'm
with someone that I love and that is younger than me.
I do feel a bit of pressure to be honest,
especially because I love my husband and I want my
(02:35):
relationship to work and I want to be able to
give them something that he desires. So I think that
has been causing me a little bit, more like not
being able to enjoy this birthday as much. Not only that,
but things with my siblings haven't been great. We've never
been this distant, and I did not ever think that
(02:57):
I would get to such an important ai, such an
important chapter of my life, and things were gonna look
this way. And I've been doing everything I possibly can
to help my body conceive naturally because I have my eggs.
They're there, they're frozen. I have that option, and I'm
grateful that I did that, but it was a very
(03:18):
very hard process. IVF has been. IVF was tough, but
I'm glad that it exists and I'm glad that I
was able to do that because it takes off some
of the pressure. But since I also know what it
is to go through it, it frightens me a little bit.
So I want to be able to conceive naturally the
(03:40):
way I did last year, even though we lost it.
I just felt like my body's telling me, doesn't matter
how old you are, it doesn't matter what the doctors say,
you still get a period. You can do this. Your
body can do this. Our bodies are so freaking smart, guys,
so magical. We can heal our bodies. God has all
(04:00):
the herbs and all the medicine that we need on
this earth for us to heal our body. And I
really believe in that. So I've been doing my part,
you know, but it hasn't happened, and it's okay. I
don't want to force it. I don't want to pressure it.
But I think it's been like a subtle little thing
in my heart because things are not as great with
my siblings and I don't feel as close because everyone's
(04:23):
growing up and everyone's doing their own thing as they should,
but it's still ways heavy on me. So now I
feel this void in my heart that I want to
feel with a child more than I ever have, especially
because I have a partner that I want to satisfy,
and I think, what if there's a possibility I can't
because I'm gonna be forty Guys, like, whether I want
(04:46):
to accept it or not, or as young as I feel,
because I do feel very young. I have a biological
clock and that is fucking real, and I think that's
been what's caused a little turmoil in my heart and
in my mind. But if I take that and I
put that to the side for a little bit, I
can honestly tell you that I am proud and I
(05:09):
have accomplished a lot of things, and I'm now in
this new space of healing and becoming and coming back
to myself and my essence. And it's literally another chapter
another floor. Dude, I was in my twenties and I'm like, oh, forty,
that's so far away. And it happens so quickly. I
(05:29):
don't know if it's because I've been so busy working
and hustling that so much happened. Life just went by
so fast because I was so fixated on work and
doing my thing and hustling and the whole thing that
I'm like, oh shit, this happened. Like I'm here. But
if I really dig deep, I'm happy and I'm grateful.
(05:51):
And I wrote a little something that I want to
read to you guys. I wrote it two nights ago,
and I was like, what I want to tell people
I always express myself. I write a lot in my notes.
I write. I have voice notes guys voice memos now
that you guys listen to for Sincerely, Jane, and I've
been really enjoying it writing again, and this is part
(06:14):
of being Janee and coming back to myself is writing.
So here we go. I'll be honest. Sometimes even saying
the number out loud makes me pause, not because I'm
ashamed of it, but because there's this weird energy around it,
like you're supposed to have everything figured out by forty,
Like there's this invisible checklist career, family, body, love, healing,
(06:38):
and if you haven't hit all the marks, there's a
whisper that says you're behind. But here's what I've come
to realize. I'm not behind. I'm evolving. I may not
have a baby yet, and that's something I feel every day.
Some days it's a quiet grief and other days it's hope.
But I'm trusting God's timing. I'm listening to my body.
(07:00):
I'm preparing my soul and that's something I'm proud of
because motherhood for me isn't about a deadline, It's about alignment.
I have built a career that's completely my own. I
have won awards, I've overcome loss, heartbreak, betrayal, and the
kind of grief that cracks you open. I've reinvented myself.
I've loved deeply, I've forgiven, I've let go of people
(07:22):
who didn't know how to love me. And I've chosen
myself even when it was lonely. I've used my voice
to speak my truth even when it shook. And physically,
I feel stronger than I ever have. I'm in the
best shape of my life, and not just because of
how I look, but because of how I feel. I
want to take care of this body, my home with
(07:45):
more intention than ever. I want to eat for energy,
move for joy, rest for restoration, and I want to
speak kindly to every inch of my being. Mentally and spiritually,
I've gone so much. I've learned to slow down, to
listen more, to trust more deeply in God's voice and
my own intuition. I've become more protective of my peace,
(08:08):
more aware of what drains me and what fuels me.
And I've started releasing the idea that I have to
explain myself to people who never try to understand me.
That's one that's a very heavy one, guys. Turning forty
is a portal. It's an invitation to let go of
the pressure to perform and embrace the permission to be
(08:28):
to be soft, to be strong, to be wise and curious,
to be powerful and still playful. There's a lot shifting
in my life right now. But some days I feel confused,
other days I feel divinely guided, and most days I
feel both. But I've learned to trust that confusion is
just a sign that something new is coming and that
I'm in the middle of becoming. And there's something else
(08:51):
I've been thinking about as this birthday approaches, that I'm
getting closer in age to the age my mom was
when she passed, and that that feels weird, emotional, a
little eerie because I feel so full of life right
now and I can't help but wonder did she feel
full too? Was she dreaming of more? Was she still
(09:17):
becoming just like I am? And then I remember the
dream I had with her, guys, and I want to
share it with you. I hadn't dreapped my mom in
a long time. My mom was forty three when she passed.
(09:39):
I can't even imagine, and I don't know if it's
because I had been thinking about that, honestly, like when
I get to forty three or when I pass the
age my mom was God willing when she passed, like
I wonder how am I going to feel? And again,
maybe because I've been thinking that so much. I had
this dream and I haven't dreamt her in so long years.
(10:03):
I want to say at least six. I can't really remember,
but it's been years and I've only dreamt her twice,
and this time it felt so real. I was in
my glamor room. I was putting clothes away, the way
I've been doing a lot lately, because I organized my
closet and I want everything to be exactly where I
put it. And I was putting my clothes away. I
was putting it on a hanger. And she comes in
(10:24):
through the door, and she looks a little upset, and
she looks so beautiful, like she was just chilling, like
didn't have any makeup on. Her hair was a little
messy but cute, and she had on like a little
sports outfit, very Jenny. And I could sense her presence,
and I could sense that something was wrong because I
know her so well, so I just looked at her
and said, okay, are you okay? Mom? Like, are you
(10:46):
upset with me? Did I do something wrong? Like you
seem upset? And she sat down and she said, no,
I just I came here just to tell you something
I just got back from. I don't know if she
had said something spiritual, I don't remember exactly, but she
had just got back from somewhere and she said I
have to tell you something. And I said, uh huh,
(11:07):
And I was just still putting the clothes on the
hanger and I just kind of paused and I looked
at her, and I'm like, yeah, what's wrong? Like I
was like I felt like there was urgency, Like it
was just this serious, like just this look on her
face that I can't I can't even explain. And she said, well,
I just have to tell you that you're not going
to make it to forty, baby, You're not and there
(11:31):
are evil forces that don't want you to make it
to forty and you're not going to make it and
it's not going to be pretty. And I just I
need to tell you that. And I just started crying.
I'm like, what do you mean? Like I felt to
like there's an automan in my glam room and I
sat on the automan and I was like, mom, what
are you talking about? And she's like, it's okay, it's
gonna be fine. I'm here for you. I'm going to
help you. And she hugged me, and I was crying
(11:53):
like I'm like, I felt it so real and actually
I'm not done reading what I wrote in my notes.
Maybe she wasn't warning me about death. Maybe she was
warning me not to die while still alive, not to
lose myself, not to abandon my joy, my dreams, my truth.
Maybe she's saying, miha, don't waste time living a life
(12:14):
that doesn't feel like yours. And that message that urgency
has changed me. Guys, it really helped me appreciate so much.
Maybe it was her way of saying, live, go all in,
don't wait for permission. Now where am I going? I'm
going in deeper into my purpose. I'm moving slower, more intentionally.
(12:35):
I want to love that feels safe, friendships that feel reciprocal,
work that feels healing, and a life that feels like me.
And maybe the biggest lesson I've learned in this season
is I am allowed to change. I am allowed to
let go of versions of me that people clung onto.
I'm allowed to stop explaining and start embodying. I'm allowed
(12:58):
to evolve, even if it makes others uncomfortable. Ooh, snap it.
And I woke up, and you guys, I took the
biggest deep breath. I was like, like that kind of
like gasp. I was like, oh my God, thank God,
(13:20):
it's not real because it felt so real. And I
woke up and I didn't say anything to Amelia, and
I was like, what does this mean? God? What does
this mean? And I believe in speaking your dream so
that they don't come true or you know, and I'll
I'll google it. And I didn't this time because I
was like, I want to do the inner work. What
is she trying to tell me? And I went back
to me being so afraid for so long because in
(13:44):
the industry, guys, your age is a big thing, especially
for women. I don't know if it's like that for men,
but I guess if you're an athlete and stuff like that,
they're like, oh, he's old, and I'm like, dude, he
just turned thirty two. What do you mean he's old?
I guess, and as an athlete he's old. So that's
something that's always bothered me. And in singing it don't
tell your age, like have them wonder and don't ever
talk about it and blah blah blah. And so I've
(14:05):
always felt that pressure. And I've been going through so
much that I just almost felt like for a whole
month I'd come in and out of not that I
wanted to kill myself or I was suicidal and sorry,
I don't mean to get dark, but I was just
very tired in the soul and I would cry in
and medi those arms and I'm like, Babe, I'm tired.
(14:28):
I'm so tired, like not physically, my soul is exhausted,
like and I would tell God, I'm like, God, if
you want to take me, I'm okay with you taking me.
I'm just exhausted, like things aren't like matching. And like
I was having those thoughts, and after that dream, I
(14:49):
woke up and I felt my body. I'm like I'm here,
I'm alive. Like I felt this gratitude of life. And
I think maybe that's what she I wanted to remind
me of, Like because I'm not going to live in fear.
I'm not going to worry about something happening and if
that's God's will, and it's God's will, guys, Like, I'm
not afraid of death because I know who I am
(15:12):
and I know I have a first class ticket to heaven.
Like I really really believe that if I were to
pass right now, I know I'm going to heaven, I'm
going with God. I have done my work, I have
learned my lessons, I have done the work, so I'm
not afraid of it. But in that moment and after
that dream, I was like, no, wait, mom, I have
so much to live for, Like I was telling her
why she was hugging me. I'm like, Mom, I have
(15:34):
so many more things I want to do. I want
to help the world. I want to help the world.
Heal like I have to stay here, and she's like,
you're gonna come with me and I'm going to be there,
and I'm like, no, Mom, I'm not ready. And it
was so freaking crazy. So I just now I'm like, Okay,
it was a dark dream. It was very scary, but
I'm like I'm appreciating life and I'm like, yes, I'm
here and I have to enjoy it and I have
(15:57):
to be grateful and even if people in the industry
or it's like, you know, it's not a good thing,
or they're gonna see you as old, well fuck it,
I'm old, whatever you want to call it. But I'm
wise and I know a lot more than I did
when I was twenty, and I'm going to share that
and I'm gonna share all the experience and that's something
(16:18):
no one can ever take for me. And I have
to remember that because this is an accomplishment. Guys, I'm
reaching an age where I am more myself than I
ever have been, more myself than I have been in
a long time. I know myself. I'm really really unapologetically myself.
(16:41):
Like I don't want to lose certain people, of course,
because there's certain people that I love, But if we're
not as close as we were before, because our lives
are going in different directions, Like I've learned to accept
that we're not into the same kind of stuff. I've
learned to accept that without judgment. Like I'm very proud.
Thing is that whole damn biological clock. I'm going to
(17:12):
celebrate my birthday in Egypt. I decided to leave early
so that I can be somewhere else somewhere different where
there's a lot of history and a lot of spirituality,
so much grounding there. So we chose to go to
Egypt first, so I'll be there on my birthday and
(17:33):
I'm super excited to go and smell different air and
taste different foods and experience this culture guys. And then
from there we're going to go to Paris, and I'm excited.
This is my life now is it's my husband and
I and I'm just focusing on that, you know, And
(17:54):
he doesn't care. I was like, how do you feel?
He makes fun of me all the time. He makes
jokes all the time. If we're watching something on television
and it's like, oh, nineteen seventy five, He's like, hey, bib,
how was it back then? I'm like, okay, dude, So
he we learned to laugh at it now it doesn't
bother me. Before in the beginning of our relationship, I
was like, oh, my gosh, he's seven years younger. But
he's so mature and so wise that I don't know.
(18:17):
I don't even think about that much anymore. It's just
when it happens to be about the baby, you know,
because he's worried he's He went to the doctors with me,
and the doctor told him, well, you know, this is
what it's looking like inside, and this is what her
body's telling her. So he got a little worried. But
I'm like, no faith moves mountains, and God is the
one that has the last word, and he is the
(18:37):
God of miracles, and I am choosing to believe that
he made it happen once and he's gonna make it
happen again, and that's not and actually twice. So anyway,
I just wanted to kind of come on here and
talk to you guys about this because I know this
is very real. Like I know there are women out
there that are probably in the same position and worry
(18:58):
about their age, and I think we need to stop
worrying about the damn number so much and worry about
who we are and what we give to the world
and the change we're willing to make, not only in
ourselves but for the world as a whole. Who cares.
It's a freaking blessing to get to this point, you know.
(19:19):
And I think about like people like Selena, guys, how
young and full of life she was and she lost
her life at what twenty three, you know, or Amy
Winehouse at twenty seven. And these are people that I
admire and that I love, and their life was taken
from them, and maybe not even that way. Maybe they're
in a better dimension. Maybe they're they graduated to a
(19:41):
different world, and that's beautiful in itself. But I still
have a lot to do here and I'm in the
right place. I'm doing exactly what I need to do,
and this podcast is part of that. And I just
want to say thank you, guys, to my boss bees
that have been with me from the very beginning when
I was turning twenty five, and that's what I was
(20:02):
introduced to the world, and now you're with me at
my fortieth And thank you for loving me through thick
and thin literally and for standing next to me and
supporting me in all my endeavors and everything that I do,
and being part of Bospion Nation and making this world
a better place one hard at a time. And I
did write something for all the women out there, I
just can't find it. Give me a second. So if
(20:25):
you're turning forty or thirty or fifty, or just entering
a new chapter, let this be you're a reminder you're
not late. You're not behind, You're becoming and that's something
to be proud of. Happy birthday to me and to
anyone who's choosing themselves again and again, Let's keep going
(20:45):
in love, in peace and in truth. Just keep swimming.
Just keep swimming like Dory. I love that movie. So
that's what I wrote, guys, and that's what I have
for this episode. I hope it all made sense. I
am so grateful that you're listening and that you're here
with me, and that you are going to enter this
new chapter of my life. I don't know what it holds,
but I know it's going to be beautiful. When I did
(21:07):
my first session of mushrooms the five grams last year,
I ough, guys, I really felt like God was allowing
me to feel so much joy with everything I had
been through. So I want to think that this next
half of my year, like this next half of my life,
is going to be of course ups and downs, but
(21:30):
just so different and a little bit more peaceful because
I'm choosing to choose myself and choose the things that
I'm into, and choose the things that I want and
to heal and all the things that I just said,
so say a little prayer for me, Blow a little
candle out for me because I'll be in Egypt. I
love you, I appreciate you very much, and thank you
(21:51):
for coming back to heal with me. I love you, guys.
I'll catch you on the next episode of Cheeky's and Chill.
This is a production of iHeartRadio and The microdoora podcast network.
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(22:12):
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Hello, my beautiful friends, Welcome to your favorite podcast, Cheek
is in Chill, where you come to chill, grow, and glow. Okay,
I'm going to take a deep breath because I can
already tell that this episode is going to be a lot,
and I'm calling it Chapter forty. I have a pretty
big birthday coming up on Thursday, June twenty six, and
(00:25):
I'll be honest, sometimes even saying that number out loud
makes me pause, and not because I'm ashamed of it,
but because there's this weird energy around it, like you're
supposed to have everything figured out by forty, Like there's
this invisible checklist career, family, body, love, healing, and if
you haven't hit all the marks, there's a whisper that
says you're behind. So I want to talk about all
(00:47):
of that, and I'm gonna be completely vulnerable and tell
you exactly what I'm feeling and what I'm thinking, because
that's what this podcast is all about. And I'm not
going to worry about what other people are going to
say because what I have to say is more important.
So let's talk about it Chapter forty. Guys, I mean honestly,
(01:10):
even hearing that and hearing that number jolts me, and
I've been trying to figure out why, because if I
sit here today, I'm very proud of everything I've been
able to accomplish, especially with all the adversities and the
obstacles I've had to face, and the loss and the
grief that I have faced, especially in the past twelve years.
(01:34):
I mean ever since I was twelve years old when
I lost my dad and not physically well physically because
he ran That's a whole other story. But it's been
a lot, and I'm very proud of how far I've
come and that I've been able to keep my heart
in the right place despite how mean people have been.
(01:54):
And I'm forty and for the majority of my adulthood,
I had decided I wasn't going to have kids, and
I made certain choices and I live my life a
certain way because I just didn't think I was going
to have kids. Like I was like, Okay, I'm good
(02:15):
with not having children. I raise my siblings. I'm good
with taking care of other people's kids. If I have
a man that has kids, I'll take care of his kids.
I'm fine with that. I'll adopt. But now that I'm
with someone that I love and that is younger than me.
I do feel a bit of pressure to be honest,
especially because I love my husband and I want my
(02:35):
relationship to work and I want to be able to
give them something that he desires. So I think that
has been causing me a little bit, more like not
being able to enjoy this birthday as much. Not only that,
but things with my siblings haven't been great. We've never
been this distant, and I did not ever think that
(02:57):
I would get to such an important ai, such an
important chapter of my life, and things were gonna look
this way. And I've been doing everything I possibly can
to help my body conceive naturally because I have my eggs.
They're there, they're frozen. I have that option, and I'm
grateful that I did that, but it was a very
(03:18):
very hard process. IVF has been. IVF was tough, but
I'm glad that it exists and I'm glad that I
was able to do that because it takes off some
of the pressure. But since I also know what it
is to go through it, it frightens me a little bit.
So I want to be able to conceive naturally the
(03:40):
way I did last year, even though we lost it.
I just felt like my body's telling me, doesn't matter
how old you are, it doesn't matter what the doctors say,
you still get a period. You can do this. Your
body can do this. Our bodies are so freaking smart, guys,
so magical. We can heal our bodies. God has all
(04:00):
the herbs and all the medicine that we need on
this earth for us to heal our body. And I
really believe in that. So I've been doing my part,
you know, but it hasn't happened, and it's okay. I
don't want to force it. I don't want to pressure it.
But I think it's been like a subtle little thing
in my heart because things are not as great with
my siblings and I don't feel as close because everyone's
(04:23):
growing up and everyone's doing their own thing as they should,
but it's still ways heavy on me. So now I
feel this void in my heart that I want to
feel with a child more than I ever have, especially
because I have a partner that I want to satisfy,
and I think, what if there's a possibility I can't
because I'm gonna be forty Guys, like, whether I want
(04:46):
to accept it or not, or as young as I feel,
because I do feel very young. I have a biological
clock and that is fucking real, and I think that's
been what's caused a little turmoil in my heart and
in my mind. But if I take that and I
put that to the side for a little bit, I
can honestly tell you that I am proud and I
(05:09):
have accomplished a lot of things, and I'm now in
this new space of healing and becoming and coming back
to myself and my essence. And it's literally another chapter
another floor. Dude, I was in my twenties and I'm like, oh, forty,
that's so far away. And it happens so quickly. I
(05:29):
don't know if it's because I've been so busy working
and hustling that so much happened. Life just went by
so fast because I was so fixated on work and
doing my thing and hustling and the whole thing that
I'm like, oh shit, this happened. Like I'm here. But
if I really dig deep, I'm happy and I'm grateful.
(05:51):
And I wrote a little something that I want to
read to you guys. I wrote it two nights ago,
and I was like, what I want to tell people
I always express myself. I write a lot in my notes.
I write. I have voice notes guys voice memos now
that you guys listen to for Sincerely, Jane, and I've
been really enjoying it writing again, and this is part
(06:14):
of being Janee and coming back to myself is writing.
So here we go. I'll be honest. Sometimes even saying
the number out loud makes me pause, not because I'm
ashamed of it, but because there's this weird energy around it,
like you're supposed to have everything figured out by forty,
Like there's this invisible checklist career, family, body, love, healing,
(06:38):
and if you haven't hit all the marks, there's a
whisper that says you're behind. But here's what I've come
to realize. I'm not behind. I'm evolving. I may not
have a baby yet, and that's something I feel every day.
Some days it's a quiet grief and other days it's hope.
But I'm trusting God's timing. I'm listening to my body.
(07:00):
I'm preparing my soul and that's something I'm proud of
because motherhood for me isn't about a deadline, It's about alignment.
I have built a career that's completely my own. I
have won awards, I've overcome loss, heartbreak, betrayal, and the
kind of grief that cracks you open. I've reinvented myself.
I've loved deeply, I've forgiven, I've let go of people
(07:22):
who didn't know how to love me. And I've chosen
myself even when it was lonely. I've used my voice
to speak my truth even when it shook. And physically,
I feel stronger than I ever have. I'm in the
best shape of my life, and not just because of
how I look, but because of how I feel. I
want to take care of this body, my home with
(07:45):
more intention than ever. I want to eat for energy,
move for joy, rest for restoration, and I want to
speak kindly to every inch of my being. Mentally and spiritually,
I've gone so much. I've learned to slow down, to
listen more, to trust more deeply in God's voice and
my own intuition. I've become more protective of my peace,
(08:08):
more aware of what drains me and what fuels me.
And I've started releasing the idea that I have to
explain myself to people who never try to understand me.
That's one that's a very heavy one, guys. Turning forty
is a portal. It's an invitation to let go of
the pressure to perform and embrace the permission to be
(08:28):
to be soft, to be strong, to be wise and curious,
to be powerful and still playful. There's a lot shifting
in my life right now. But some days I feel confused,
other days I feel divinely guided, and most days I
feel both. But I've learned to trust that confusion is
just a sign that something new is coming and that
I'm in the middle of becoming. And there's something else
(08:51):
I've been thinking about as this birthday approaches, that I'm
getting closer in age to the age my mom was
when she passed, and that that feels weird, emotional, a
little eerie because I feel so full of life right
now and I can't help but wonder did she feel
full too? Was she dreaming of more? Was she still
(09:17):
becoming just like I am? And then I remember the
dream I had with her, guys, and I want to
share it with you. I hadn't dreapped my mom in
a long time. My mom was forty three when she passed.
(09:39):
I can't even imagine, and I don't know if it's
because I had been thinking about that, honestly, like when
I get to forty three or when I pass the
age my mom was God willing when she passed, like
I wonder how am I going to feel? And again,
maybe because I've been thinking that so much. I had
this dream and I haven't dreamt her in so long years.
(10:03):
I want to say at least six. I can't really remember,
but it's been years and I've only dreamt her twice,
and this time it felt so real. I was in
my glamor room. I was putting clothes away, the way
I've been doing a lot lately, because I organized my
closet and I want everything to be exactly where I
put it. And I was putting my clothes away. I
was putting it on a hanger. And she comes in
(10:24):
through the door, and she looks a little upset, and
she looks so beautiful, like she was just chilling, like
didn't have any makeup on. Her hair was a little
messy but cute, and she had on like a little
sports outfit, very Jenny. And I could sense her presence,
and I could sense that something was wrong because I
know her so well, so I just looked at her
and said, okay, are you okay? Mom? Like, are you
(10:46):
upset with me? Did I do something wrong? Like you
seem upset? And she sat down and she said, no,
I just I came here just to tell you something
I just got back from. I don't know if she
had said something spiritual, I don't remember exactly, but she
had just got back from somewhere and she said I
have to tell you something. And I said, uh huh,
(11:07):
And I was just still putting the clothes on the
hanger and I just kind of paused and I looked
at her, and I'm like, yeah, what's wrong? Like I
was like I felt like there was urgency, Like it
was just this serious, like just this look on her
face that I can't I can't even explain. And she said, well,
I just have to tell you that you're not going
to make it to forty, baby, You're not and there
(11:31):
are evil forces that don't want you to make it
to forty and you're not going to make it and
it's not going to be pretty. And I just I
need to tell you that. And I just started crying.
I'm like, what do you mean? Like I felt to
like there's an automan in my glam room and I
sat on the automan and I was like, mom, what
are you talking about? And she's like, it's okay, it's
gonna be fine. I'm here for you. I'm going to
help you. And she hugged me, and I was crying
(11:53):
like I'm like, I felt it so real and actually
I'm not done reading what I wrote in my notes.
Maybe she wasn't warning me about death. Maybe she was
warning me not to die while still alive, not to
lose myself, not to abandon my joy, my dreams, my truth.
Maybe she's saying, miha, don't waste time living a life
(12:14):
that doesn't feel like yours. And that message that urgency
has changed me. Guys, it really helped me appreciate so much.
Maybe it was her way of saying, live, go all in,
don't wait for permission. Now where am I going? I'm
going in deeper into my purpose. I'm moving slower, more intentionally.
(12:35):
I want to love that feels safe, friendships that feel reciprocal,
work that feels healing, and a life that feels like me.
And maybe the biggest lesson I've learned in this season
is I am allowed to change. I am allowed to
let go of versions of me that people clung onto.
I'm allowed to stop explaining and start embodying. I'm allowed
(12:58):
to evolve, even if it makes others uncomfortable. Ooh, snap it.
And I woke up, and you guys, I took the
biggest deep breath. I was like, like that kind of
like gasp. I was like, oh my God, thank God,
(13:20):
it's not real because it felt so real. And I
woke up and I didn't say anything to Amelia, and
I was like, what does this mean? God? What does
this mean? And I believe in speaking your dream so
that they don't come true or you know, and I'll
I'll google it. And I didn't this time because I
was like, I want to do the inner work. What
is she trying to tell me? And I went back
to me being so afraid for so long because in
(13:44):
the industry, guys, your age is a big thing, especially
for women. I don't know if it's like that for men,
but I guess if you're an athlete and stuff like that,
they're like, oh, he's old, and I'm like, dude, he
just turned thirty two. What do you mean he's old?
I guess, and as an athlete he's old. So that's
something that's always bothered me. And in singing it don't
tell your age, like have them wonder and don't ever
talk about it and blah blah blah. And so I've
(14:05):
always felt that pressure. And I've been going through so
much that I just almost felt like for a whole
month I'd come in and out of not that I
wanted to kill myself or I was suicidal and sorry,
I don't mean to get dark, but I was just
very tired in the soul and I would cry in
and medi those arms and I'm like, Babe, I'm tired.
(14:28):
I'm so tired, like not physically, my soul is exhausted,
like and I would tell God, I'm like, God, if
you want to take me, I'm okay with you taking me.
I'm just exhausted, like things aren't like matching. And like
I was having those thoughts, and after that dream, I
(14:49):
woke up and I felt my body. I'm like I'm here,
I'm alive. Like I felt this gratitude of life. And
I think maybe that's what she I wanted to remind
me of, Like because I'm not going to live in fear.
I'm not going to worry about something happening and if
that's God's will, and it's God's will, guys, Like, I'm
not afraid of death because I know who I am
(15:12):
and I know I have a first class ticket to heaven.
Like I really really believe that if I were to
pass right now, I know I'm going to heaven, I'm
going with God. I have done my work, I have
learned my lessons, I have done the work, so I'm
not afraid of it. But in that moment and after
that dream, I was like, no, wait, mom, I have
so much to live for, Like I was telling her
why she was hugging me. I'm like, Mom, I have
(15:34):
so many more things I want to do. I want
to help the world. I want to help the world.
Heal like I have to stay here, and she's like,
you're gonna come with me and I'm going to be there,
and I'm like, no, Mom, I'm not ready. And it
was so freaking crazy. So I just now I'm like, Okay,
it was a dark dream. It was very scary, but
I'm like I'm appreciating life and I'm like, yes, I'm
here and I have to enjoy it and I have
(15:57):
to be grateful and even if people in the industry
or it's like, you know, it's not a good thing,
or they're gonna see you as old, well fuck it,
I'm old, whatever you want to call it. But I'm
wise and I know a lot more than I did
when I was twenty, and I'm going to share that
and I'm gonna share all the experience and that's something
(16:18):
no one can ever take for me. And I have
to remember that because this is an accomplishment. Guys, I'm
reaching an age where I am more myself than I
ever have been, more myself than I have been in
a long time. I know myself. I'm really really unapologetically myself.
(16:41):
Like I don't want to lose certain people, of course,
because there's certain people that I love, But if we're
not as close as we were before, because our lives
are going in different directions, Like I've learned to accept
that we're not into the same kind of stuff. I've
learned to accept that without judgment. Like I'm very proud.
Thing is that whole damn biological clock. I'm going to
(17:12):
celebrate my birthday in Egypt. I decided to leave early
so that I can be somewhere else somewhere different where
there's a lot of history and a lot of spirituality,
so much grounding there. So we chose to go to
Egypt first, so I'll be there on my birthday and
(17:33):
I'm super excited to go and smell different air and
taste different foods and experience this culture guys. And then
from there we're going to go to Paris, and I'm excited.
This is my life now is it's my husband and
I and I'm just focusing on that, you know, And
(17:54):
he doesn't care. I was like, how do you feel?
He makes fun of me all the time. He makes
jokes all the time. If we're watching something on television
and it's like, oh, nineteen seventy five, He's like, hey, bib,
how was it back then? I'm like, okay, dude, So
he we learned to laugh at it now it doesn't
bother me. Before in the beginning of our relationship, I
was like, oh, my gosh, he's seven years younger. But
he's so mature and so wise that I don't know.
(18:17):
I don't even think about that much anymore. It's just
when it happens to be about the baby, you know,
because he's worried he's He went to the doctors with me,
and the doctor told him, well, you know, this is
what it's looking like inside, and this is what her
body's telling her. So he got a little worried. But
I'm like, no faith moves mountains, and God is the
one that has the last word, and he is the
(18:37):
God of miracles, and I am choosing to believe that
he made it happen once and he's gonna make it
happen again, and that's not and actually twice. So anyway,
I just wanted to kind of come on here and
talk to you guys about this because I know this
is very real. Like I know there are women out
there that are probably in the same position and worry
(18:58):
about their age, and I think we need to stop
worrying about the damn number so much and worry about
who we are and what we give to the world
and the change we're willing to make, not only in
ourselves but for the world as a whole. Who cares.
It's a freaking blessing to get to this point, you know.
(19:19):
And I think about like people like Selena, guys, how
young and full of life she was and she lost
her life at what twenty three, you know, or Amy
Winehouse at twenty seven. And these are people that I
admire and that I love, and their life was taken
from them, and maybe not even that way. Maybe they're
in a better dimension. Maybe they're they graduated to a
(19:41):
different world, and that's beautiful in itself. But I still
have a lot to do here and I'm in the
right place. I'm doing exactly what I need to do,
and this podcast is part of that. And I just
want to say thank you, guys, to my boss bees
that have been with me from the very beginning when
I was turning twenty five, and that's what I was
(20:02):
introduced to the world, and now you're with me at
my fortieth And thank you for loving me through thick
and thin literally and for standing next to me and
supporting me in all my endeavors and everything that I do,
and being part of Bospion Nation and making this world
a better place one hard at a time. And I
did write something for all the women out there, I
just can't find it. Give me a second. So if
(20:25):
you're turning forty or thirty or fifty, or just entering
a new chapter, let this be you're a reminder you're
not late. You're not behind, You're becoming and that's something
to be proud of. Happy birthday to me and to
anyone who's choosing themselves again and again, Let's keep going
(20:45):
in love, in peace and in truth. Just keep swimming.
Just keep swimming like Dory. I love that movie. So
that's what I wrote, guys, and that's what I have
for this episode. I hope it all made sense. I
am so grateful that you're listening and that you're here
with me, and that you are going to enter this
new chapter of my life. I don't know what it holds,
but I know it's going to be beautiful. When I did
(21:07):
my first session of mushrooms the five grams last year,
I ough, guys, I really felt like God was allowing
me to feel so much joy with everything I had
been through. So I want to think that this next
half of my year, like this next half of my life,
is going to be of course ups and downs, but
(21:30):
just so different and a little bit more peaceful because
I'm choosing to choose myself and choose the things that
I'm into, and choose the things that I want and
to heal and all the things that I just said,
so say a little prayer for me, Blow a little
candle out for me because I'll be in Egypt. I
love you, I appreciate you very much, and thank you
(21:51):
for coming back to heal with me. I love you, guys.
I'll catch you on the next episode of Cheeky's and Chill.
This is a production of iHeartRadio and The microdoora podcast network.
Follow us on Instagram at Michael Doda Podcasts, then follow
me Cheeky's That's c h I q U i s.
(22:12):
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or wherever you listen to your favorite podcast
Host
Chiquis
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