December 15, 2025 • 44 mins
Hello to all my beautiful listeners! Welcome back to this week’s episode of Chiquis and Chill! Today, my best friend Judy Zepeda is opening up about her decades-long marriage with a man she says was a narcissist. She’s now at the tail-end of the divorce and feels ready to talk about her experience. We’ll hear what she went though, why she stayed in the relationship for so long and we’ll also find out how she’s doing today.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:06):
Ola, Mie. Yeah, welcome to this week's episode of your
favorite podcast, Cheek Is in Chill, where you come to learn, Grow,
and glow. Guys, I'm just going to jump right into
it and say that this is an episode you should
listen to from start to finish. One of my best
friends in the entire world, Judy Sepetra, is going to
be sharing what it's like being married to a narcissist
(00:29):
and what kind of mental, emotional and financial damage it's cost.
And I know firsthand it's affected her self esteem, future relationships,
and even her business, so I'm really glad she's here
with us today to share more about it.
Speaker 2 (00:43):
Hello, Amiga, how are you, Ola, Mia Comosus mo Vian.
Speaker 1 (00:48):
I'm so happy that you're here, and honestly thank you
so much. I know how how much it's taken from
you to get to this point where you can actually
talk about this, so I'm very proud of you, first
of all, and I feel very honored that you chose
Cheese and Chill to talk about this topic that I
think is very important. I know, firstan I also dated
(01:12):
a narcissist and I know how difficult that was for me.
But also I think a lot of people don't even
know that they might be dealing with a narcissist. So
that's what this episode is going to be all about.
So first and foremost, when do you think you realized
I'm dealing with a narcissist?
Speaker 3 (01:28):
I knew this a long time ago, and that's one
of the things that I that I tell myself now, like.
Speaker 2 (01:34):
Why did I go back?
Speaker 3 (01:35):
Why did I go back knowing that it wasn't going
to get any better?
Speaker 2 (01:40):
But I had hope. I had hope, and.
Speaker 3 (01:44):
I knew it because he was a manipulator, mental abuse
or I don't know, how.
Speaker 1 (01:51):
Do you say it, like a verbally abusive as well, Yeah, as.
Speaker 3 (01:54):
Of mentally abuse of like manipulative. But I always had hope,
and I would always tell myself, you know what, like
as long as I could stay until they're eighteen. We
technically lived in separate rooms, and I think I could
handle it, so I could give my children that opportunity.
At the end of the day, everything is based off
of my kids, Like my kids are my world, and
I wanted to put myself aside to do that for them.
Speaker 2 (02:14):
So I knew what I was getting myself into.
Speaker 3 (02:16):
I just didn't think I was gonna get as bad
as it did towards the end.
Speaker 1 (02:21):
Towards the end, Why do you think that you stayed
in the relationship for so long? How long were you
married to him?
Speaker 2 (02:29):
Technically, technically legally twenty four years?
Speaker 1 (02:32):
Oh my gosh. Every time I think about that, it's like, wow,
twenty four years. Yeah, that's a big chunk of your life.
Speaker 3 (02:38):
Amiya Yes, it's a big chunk of my life. But
obviously there was in between's where separated for four years
and then got back together and then been separated for
seven years. But legally it has been that long. But
I would say, even though I haven't been with the
person you know for so long, it's still doing a
lot of damage to me. Yeah, just because it's not
(02:58):
completely over exact. But the reason why I stayed for
a long time it does have to do a lot
with my family values, because I do come from a
very traditional Hispanic family, and because I believe and I
wanted to give my children a family.
Speaker 1 (03:12):
Yeah, so you felt I'm doing the right thing. It
doesn't matter what happens, because that happens a lot in
our culture. My grandma did it. She stayed in her
marriage even if my Grandpa was disrespectful, was cheating. Her
whole thing was don't have another child outside of the marriage,
and I can deal with everything else. Yeah, to me,
you know, like that's a lot, but that's something that
(03:34):
it's very common in our culture.
Speaker 2 (03:37):
It is very common.
Speaker 3 (03:38):
Unfortunately, you know, we think that we're doing the good
thing by staying because of the kids. And that's one
of the reasons that I stayed, because I wanted to
give my children a father, but not like I didn't
realize that I was actually harming them. And I feel
a lot of women stay, you know, for the wrong reasons,
and at the end of the day, we end up
harming our children sore right more. And that's one of
(04:00):
the things that I've had to deal with.
Speaker 1 (04:02):
Yeah, And I will tell you, I think you have
amazing children, not just because I know them personally, but
I know what they've been through and I think you've
done a very good job with them. So you should
be very proud of both of them. I appreciate that, yeah,
because I know I know it's been hard. Did he
ever in your relationship, even before kids, did he ever
(04:27):
like treat you like a queen?
Speaker 3 (04:30):
I would say at the beginning, you know, because it
was so long ago. Yes, I would get he would
just buy me gifts. You know, he would buy me gifts.
So I thought, Okay, he's for me. It was like
he's a provider, right, He's a provider. And I didn't
know what love was. I was seventeen. Do we really
know what love is at seventeen?
Speaker 2 (04:48):
We don't know?
Speaker 1 (04:49):
Damn you were seventeen.
Speaker 3 (04:51):
We go based off of, you know, what we were
taught in, like being raised in a traditional family.
Speaker 2 (04:56):
So this is my first boyfriend. I have to marry
the first boyfriend.
Speaker 3 (04:59):
I know people wouldn't think that I thought like this,
but that's the way my mentality was at seventeen.
Speaker 2 (05:04):
So I'm married for all the wrong reasons.
Speaker 3 (05:06):
I mean, now I understand it, you know, at the
age that I'm at, But I'm married for all the
wrong reasons because there was a lot of red flags
at the beginning, which was infidelity. But I still went
ahead and did it because I'm like, he's going to
change and he's my first boyfriend, and this is how
it's going to work out.
Speaker 1 (05:22):
So way, he cheated on you before even getting married,
two weeks before stop it. Yes, a girl and you've
probably felt the pressure of like I already the bread for.
Speaker 3 (05:33):
Like the wedding, and it's gonna be okay, It's gonna
be okay. I would always tell myself that it's just
it's it's mind blowing to believe that my younger self.
Speaker 2 (05:43):
Thought like that.
Speaker 1 (05:44):
But meyeah, you were seventeen. There's no way, Like That's
why I'm a firm believer. And if you feel you're
ready at that age or whatever to get married, I
think people are starting to get married a little older
because like that those are like your you know, you're
still developing, You're still talk about yourself. You know. I
feel like at that age, no offense to anyone, but
(06:07):
I feel like no one has, like no one has like.
Speaker 2 (06:09):
What was he saying, they're not in the right mindset?
Speaker 1 (06:12):
Yeah, Like you know, it's like you shouldn't be, in
my opinion, getting married that young.
Speaker 3 (06:18):
I am with you on that when and that's what
I tell my children too, like please don't comit the
same mistake, like prepare yourself, because you really don't know
who you are at seventeen, not even in your early twenties, right,
regardless of you're successful in your early twenties, but a relationship,
I just it's it's not what we all think it is.
Speaker 1 (06:36):
Yeah, so that's that's definitely a big red ass flag.
I didn't even know that that he had been unfaithful
two weeks before getting married. How old was he? You
were seventeen and he was held.
Speaker 3 (06:47):
He let me see, he's about six years older, so
like twenty twenty four so or something like that, like
around their early twenties. He was in his early twenties,
in his early twenties.
Speaker 1 (06:59):
What other flags did did you see?
Speaker 2 (07:04):
See? What other red flags?
Speaker 3 (07:06):
Just like the manipulation, Like god, you know what, when
I think back at it, it's I'm so numb to
like when I was seventeen. Yeah, I could tell you
more towards like when we got back together, or when
the first time after having my son that I found
(07:26):
out he was he was he cheated again.
Speaker 1 (07:30):
So he was just unfaithful throughout the whole marriage.
Speaker 3 (07:32):
Throughout the whole marriage. Throughout the whole marriage, he was unfaithful.
And I know it's very hard because a lot of
women could be like well after once, like why did
you go back?
Speaker 2 (07:42):
You don't know until you're in it to be honest.
Speaker 1 (07:44):
With exactly, and not only that, you had the pressure
of your family with you know, it was just tradition.
Speaker 2 (07:50):
That is something that I will say it.
Speaker 3 (07:52):
I love my family so much, but I always felt
a lot of pressure. And it's nothing against them, it's yeah,
it's just you know, and because I didn't want to fail,
I didn't want to fail the family traditions. I didn't
want to fail my family at which I look up
to so much. You know, I come from parents that
have been married for forty eight years and they've been through,
you know, many hard times. So I'm like, maybe I
(08:14):
could get through it myself too.
Speaker 2 (08:16):
You know.
Speaker 3 (08:16):
I just wanted to make my family proud, you know,
since and you know that you or my family personally
as well, and they're amazing, they are amazing. It's just
the traditions were really implemented into me.
Speaker 1 (08:30):
No, one hundred percent. And I think a lot of
women that are listening are going to be able to
understand that. And I can say that now I see
you choosing yourself and I commend you and I admire
you for staying in that relationship for your children. You know,
you were really trying to do the right thing. Until
you couldn't anymore because he just wasn't even he wasn't
(08:52):
doing his part. So it's like, how in the hell
this is so imbalanced? How am I going to continue
to want to make this work? And I'm forgiving you,
but you're not doing your part. You're taking it clearly granted,
you're taking my kindness for weakness, you know.
Speaker 3 (09:05):
Yes, until until I had a breaking point where I
couldn't no more because I was sinking into his black,
dark world. You know where I started like getting depressed,
where sadly I started to get suicidal thoughts. I remember
clearly one time where I told my mom, and I've
been there was even times where I told you, like
I can't more, you know, And it's hard. It's hard
(09:26):
when when you prefer to like I would think, like
my kids are gonna be fine with my mom, you know, Yeah,
And it's hard. It's hard to it's hard to like
remember that because it's it was hard.
Speaker 1 (09:36):
Yeah, of course, of course I know. I know how
much this has affected you, and that's why I'm so
grateful that you're talking to us about this semming up,
because I know it has affected you. But I think
you're getting out of that whole you know era, it's
like you are glowing like no other and and that's amazing.
It takes a lot of hard work. It takes a
(09:56):
lot of courage, a lot of courage.
Speaker 3 (09:58):
A lot of courage to get out of such a
dark place and on your own and not medication or
and I don't it's not me judging anybody who decides
to take medication, but to actually try to do it
on your own to get out of that mental you know,
situation is it does take a lot in years, like
I've been healing for like I want to say, a
(10:19):
good solid four years where I've really been doing a
lot of work on myself because I want to be
good for my children.
Speaker 1 (10:25):
Yeah, and I don't want to take you back to
these moments, but like, especially like earlier on, we can
talk about, like if you feel comfortable what happened when
you guys got back together later since you get a
little bit more fresh, But do you remember, because one
of the biggest traits of a narcissist is a love bombing.
Do you remember him love bombing?
Speaker 2 (10:44):
I would say his love bombing was gifts.
Speaker 1 (10:47):
Okay, so he would for instance, if he did something bad.
He would buy you something or no.
Speaker 2 (10:52):
Oh yeah, or trips or trips like let's go to
New York.
Speaker 3 (10:55):
And I would be like, and I remember clearly one incident,
I was like, I don't want to go.
Speaker 2 (11:00):
I don't want to go. And then he came, he
came into my room.
Speaker 3 (11:03):
He's all like, let's go, let's work this out, like
let's go have a good time, like you know, staying
at the Ritz Carlton, like in New York.
Speaker 2 (11:09):
And and I just like said I didn't feel it,
but I still went ahead with it.
Speaker 3 (11:14):
I'm like, Okay, well I'm already in it, like let's
see if this trip will change anything, you know. And
so it was that like like if situations would happen
like let me, let me take you here, or let's
do this like by you a ring, you know, it's
always gifts, and it was always material things.
Speaker 1 (11:34):
Yes, and there were always strings attached to those things.
Speaker 2 (11:37):
Alcoholism a lot a lot as well.
Speaker 1 (11:41):
Yeah. Also yes, yeah, you can see and I'm not
going to say his name, but you know, one of them,
well you know, my whole life. But that narcissist that
I was talking about, he would do the same thing.
He would piss me off and do something really messed
up or flirt with girls or whatever it is he
was doing. He would send me crazy flowers and then
(12:06):
like okay, here go singer a song, Maueroquero. He would
buy me like my rings the months. The month is uhh,
the a month is Yeah. It's like they feel that
they can't buy their way out of everything.
Speaker 2 (12:23):
And it's like, and that's one of the major red flags.
Speaker 3 (12:27):
I know there's a lot of little ones, and I
know everybody has a different definition for narcissism and every
situation is different.
Speaker 2 (12:34):
But I feel like, you know, like if that's going
to change anything.
Speaker 1 (12:40):
Yeah, not really even taking accountability for what they did.
It's more like, you know, let's just get over it,
let's go on a trip, let me buy you this,
and then they do it again and then and then
they tell you when you guys get in another fight,
be like, well, you're not happy. I just took you
to freaking Gabo Lucas or I just took you to
I just brought you this car. Like what that doesn't
show you that I love you? Like, No, what I
(13:01):
want to hear is let's go to therapy. I am sorry.
Like like, really with your even if you got to cry,
it's like, I'm sorry, I'm never going to put you
through that again. Like that is a real apology. It's
not just hey, let me buy you something. Of course
those things are nice, don't get me wrong, But there's
something so much deeper than that.
Speaker 3 (13:20):
They don't take accountability of their actions, and they want
to then switch things and make you like you're going crazy,
like they're the victim and because of you this happened.
Speaker 2 (13:30):
And when you stay, when when you stay.
Speaker 3 (13:33):
So long in a relationship like this, you start to
think you are the problem. Yeah, it's crazy, it's a
it's a mind.
Speaker 1 (13:39):
It's mind fucking Yeah, it's yes, it is so my
fucking That's one of the biggest things is gaslighting with them,
it's you made me do this. If you did this,
then I wouldn't act like that.
Speaker 2 (13:53):
No, And then yeah, that was.
Speaker 1 (14:21):
Because he would do something to upset you, and then
all of a sudden he would turn it on you
like now I'm not going to talk to you and
make you like I remember you would tell me like
he just passed by me, like I don't even exist exactly,
and you're like, what am I the problem. You would
question yourself of like you would even forget about why
you were mad at the like in the first place,
because he would turn it around so much exactly.
Speaker 3 (14:41):
It created so much anxiety and created so much like concern,
like like like just being like just it was.
Speaker 1 (14:50):
It was a lot of mental and emotional torture.
Speaker 2 (14:53):
It was. It was.
Speaker 1 (15:01):
So talk to us and tell us a little bit
about when you guys left each other the first time,
whatever details you want to get into or not. But
how that because you were older.
Speaker 3 (15:10):
I was a little older, a little older, but I
still feel I was a little naive, and I still
feel I didn't know what was going to happen with
my life. Yeah, because I was still like in my
what was it. I was in my I want to say,
in my late twenties, like when that happened. So I
was still young, so young, because I got married at
twenty guys, I got married at twenty, So I got
(15:32):
married at a very young age. And when I found
out the thing is this is crazy. It took me
a year to gather all intel and data to be
able to confront him.
Speaker 2 (15:43):
But he was in another full on blown relationship for
five years it was five years that he was in
a full blown relationship. It's crazy.
Speaker 3 (15:51):
And I met the person and she was very in
love and I didn't cry, And it is what I needed,
that confirmation for my self because I wanted to know details.
I'm a person that I want to know what happened
and what went wrong because I thought I was a problem,
you know, for so many years, because they made you
think you are the problem. Yeah, and then you realize
(16:12):
I was never the problem. You know, it was it
was their dark world, you know, that they drag you into.
But the first time when that happened, it was I
was living in Arizona. So it was very difficult because
my kids were My daughter wasn't even one years old.
So so I left Arizona. Obviously not like the first
day or anything like that, but it took me some time,
(16:35):
and so I left and I came to live with
my parents.
Speaker 2 (16:37):
But it was a very difficult process the first time.
Speaker 1 (16:40):
And you guys were separated? How long?
Speaker 2 (16:42):
Four years?
Speaker 1 (16:43):
Four years? Okay, so you guys were separated four years?
And why did you go back? Was it the kids again?
Did you love him?
Speaker 2 (16:50):
No? I stopped loving him sixteen years ago.
Speaker 1 (16:53):
Shit, yeah, So it was solely for the kids.
Speaker 3 (16:55):
And because solely for the kids, I didn't want to
be living under my parents' household.
Speaker 2 (17:00):
Then I didn't like for my parents to see like,
what is she like, what is she doing? And I don't.
Speaker 3 (17:04):
I just always felt like I was just sinking and sinking.
So I thought to myself, Okay, he's telling me that
he's changing. He's telling me that he wants to go back.
He's told me that he wants his family back, So
I believed him.
Speaker 1 (17:18):
Were you guys already had you started the process of
the divorce.
Speaker 2 (17:22):
I never filed.
Speaker 3 (17:23):
Oh, I never filed at all because I was a housewife.
I didn't know what I was going to do with
my life.
Speaker 2 (17:29):
I didn't know.
Speaker 3 (17:30):
I started school, and I was just so confused. Honestly,
it's like when you're so taken care of and then
all of a sudden you're thrown to the world at
twenty something years old. You know, it's just like, well, yeah,
my late twenties.
Speaker 2 (17:45):
I didn't know. I was so confused.
Speaker 1 (17:47):
I was confused because you were a housewife. So you
take this is what blows my mind, guys. This man,
in my eyes, had an amazing woman, thank you. This
is the only guy she's ever been with. She was
seventeen pure when he first met her, has two kids
with her house, clean, food made, and she would look hot,
(18:07):
high heels in everything.
Speaker 2 (18:08):
I would dress up.
Speaker 1 (18:09):
I know she would dress up for him to come
home and eat dinner every single day. And he still
cheated and he still did this. And to me, it's because,
in my opinion, he never loved himself, like he never
definitely healed some unresolved things that he had from his childhood.
He has things that he needs to take care of
and he never took the time to do that. So
what would he do. He would use Judy as his
(18:32):
punching bag and project on her. And it was just
like had a beautiful trophy wife at home and wasn't
giving her what she needed. And that, to me, I'm
just like, what the hell? Because you didn't work, Your
home and your family was your job.
Speaker 3 (18:46):
And I always had to be home by a certain time.
He would get very upset if I wasn't home by six.
So by the time he was home, I had to
be home.
Speaker 1 (18:54):
Yeah, Oh my gosh.
Speaker 3 (18:56):
And that there is narcissism, that there is controlling. They
love to control you. And when they when they and
when they see you down, when they see you suffering,
they feed off of that.
Speaker 2 (19:07):
It's like.
Speaker 3 (19:11):
You know, it's like, see, it's so like my ego,
Like my ego.
Speaker 1 (19:17):
Is here exactly, let me suck everything out of you.
Speaker 2 (19:20):
Yes, they want to suck everything out of you.
Speaker 1 (19:23):
And see this is the thing you were. You were
you did the right thing, what felt right in the moment,
what you had seen in your household. So you put
all your eggs in one basket. You weren't working or anything.
And I think a lot of women don't realize that,
like you just said, control, they if it's not the
right person, then they feel that this is their way
(19:46):
of controlling. And they control the money because they're not
making their own money. So and that was your that
was your position you you were making your own money.
You depended on him fully like you were, like I
got married to do my duties as a wife and
I'm basically in a way, it feels like I'm at
your disposal. And that's how he felt. That's what he
(20:07):
wanted to make you feel.
Speaker 2 (20:08):
And it's like I have to do everything because.
Speaker 3 (20:14):
So I'm thankful, I'm grateful you know what, he's under
a lot of stress.
Speaker 2 (20:17):
You know, it's okay.
Speaker 3 (20:18):
When I got pregnant with Alfredo, he started going to
another room because you know what, Like he would cry
so and I'm like, I have to be understanding because
he wakes up so early to go to work and
then come back and then let me be the understanding wife.
You know it's sami, and but little do you know,
it's because he was doing what he was doing.
Speaker 1 (20:36):
It's yeah, oh my gosh, that sounds so famire. The
same thing happened to me. I know, give it went
sat but you know what I mean, actually, no, no,
give it went soap because at the end of the day,
I learned and that helped me learn what I didn't
want and what I did want in a relationship. I
had to go through that. We had to go through
this in order to grow and appreciate what we have now,
(20:59):
you know what I mean.
Speaker 2 (21:00):
Definitely.
Speaker 1 (21:00):
Yeah. And so when you guys got back together and
you trusted him and he's like, I want this back,
and you know, I want my family. What happened, Like,
you guys got back together, what were the red flags? Then?
Do you remember? So the financials is that when you
had already when you guys were separated, did you open
(21:20):
Victoria's Boutique or was it?
Speaker 2 (21:23):
Yes, Yeah, Victoria's Moutique was already open.
Speaker 1 (21:25):
But I you were a thriving girl.
Speaker 2 (21:27):
I was.
Speaker 3 (21:28):
I was, And that's something that I opened just from
the despite of everything that I was going through, you know,
But that's a whole different story. All that all started,
but it had to. That came from the pain. Victoria's
Boutique came from the pain.
Speaker 1 (21:42):
Oh I see. So for you, it was like I'm
going to start something because you probably do you remember
feeling like that, Like when you guys got separated, you
felt like, oh my gosh, like I gave all my
life to this person. He didn't appreciate it. Now what
do I have? So you're like, I need to build
something for myself.
Speaker 3 (21:57):
Yes, because he's always been a very successful he has
a very successful career.
Speaker 2 (22:02):
So he's always had something to lean on. I never did.
Speaker 3 (22:05):
Yeah, so that's why I had to create something out
of nothine.
Speaker 1 (22:08):
And yeah, it's called Victoria's Boutique twenty twelve guys, because
she opened it in twenty twelve. Victoria's their daughter. That's
my goddaughter. And that's how we met, you guys. Just
to give you guys a little bit of backstory, Like, so,
Judia and I met through, thank god, through Victoria's boutique.
So I'm always going to be grateful to Victoria's boutique
because we met in LA. She's like, hey, I want
to send you some clothes, and I'm like, heck you.
Speaker 2 (22:29):
I'm like, oh my god.
Speaker 1 (22:30):
And then her and I she brought it to me
personally looking fabulous, and I was like, damn, this gross
being WAPPI. You know, she's very good looking and very professional,
and she brought me all kinds of clothes and I
was like, oh my goodness. She I could just see
like she was a hustler, you know. And so we
hit it off and we became friends and the friendship
started developing, and then I met him and I met
(22:51):
the kids and everything, and it was the first online
boutique that I ever recognized. I didn't even know online
boutiques existed. I could tell you, guys, Victoria's boutique was
one of the first. And you were doing really well.
So I think, in my opinion, that was one of
the things of like, oh, she's doing well, she could
do it without me. Let me go back in there
(23:12):
and fuck with her a little bit and convince her
that I want her back. And I think that's when
he started tormenting you because you were working so much. Right,
you guys got back together, and he didn't like it.
Speaker 3 (23:24):
He was never happy for me, like we had separate accounts,
but we I would always tell him like, oh my god,
like I'm doing so good, I'm doing so good, and
I always felt that the happiness wasn't genuine. And there
came a point where he said, well, you need to
you need to figure out how you're going to manage
like when I get home, like I need my wife
right and like stop working. But I'm like I was thriving,
(23:45):
do you know what I mean? And I try to
make that work until like I saw him like not
doing his job as a husband. So I'm like, you
know what, I'm gonna go back to work in my
garage and it's fine, Like kids are taking care of myself.
I still take care of the kids, like and he
kind of just like I wasn't going to let him
bring me down, but sometimes he would, and for a
couple of months, sometimes the business wouldn't do good because
(24:06):
I was trying to take care of the marriage, you
get me.
Speaker 2 (24:09):
So it was a lot of back and forth.
Speaker 1 (24:10):
Do you feel like if you had his full on,
honest support it would have been easier to juggle both.
Speaker 3 (24:17):
Of course, right, But but a person like that doesn't
see those things. A person like that, their energy is
very negative and it ends up actually energy is everything,
and it ends up actually affecting your business as well.
Speaker 1 (24:30):
Yeah, and he was jealous. I think he was just
jealous that you found your own you know.
Speaker 3 (24:36):
I honestly feel he was jealous and modamvien, you know,
like they want you to depend on them, like because
that's the way they control you.
Speaker 2 (24:53):
You know.
Speaker 3 (24:55):
I remember many times, like when things were like gonna end,
he would use the health insurance and and I'm like.
Speaker 2 (25:00):
Oh, yeah, that's right.
Speaker 3 (25:01):
Like I don't know why I would believe him about
health insurance, Like, no, it is not a like like
was like health insurance, you know what I mean, Like
was going to take It's so weird.
Speaker 1 (25:11):
Like because he paid for your guys a health insurance. Ye,
Like it's okay. I mean you he was your first,
he was your first. Everything you believed him like he
was surprised you.
Speaker 2 (25:23):
But I wasn't even in love with him.
Speaker 3 (25:24):
But I'm like, but I have two kids with him,
so he would want to take care of us, right,
because it's like it's your blood. No, guys, it's it's.
Speaker 1 (25:35):
And you know what now in retrospect, and and and
and and I mean this so respectfully, I think, and
I could be wrong, but I think like in a
narcissist's mind, they're always planning and thinking and always like
have like h an agenda. So I feel like, not
that he didn't, I don't know. I don't think that
(25:56):
he ever loved you the right way, but I think
that when he saw that you were doing well with
Victoria Boutique, He's like, I'm going to get myself in there,
and like he knew that whatever is yours is his
and vice versa. So I think he was almost had
like a freaking plan because it's not like he came
back and was like miraculously a better person.
Speaker 3 (26:15):
No, And there's a reason why First Boutique is closed
right now, you know, it's it's it is. That's a
whole different story as well. But none of us, you know, okay,
because I was the house hurt me a lot too,
So it's just like.
Speaker 2 (26:35):
I feel he would be really happy, like to see
me on the streets, you know. And it's it's sad.
Speaker 3 (26:42):
It is sad because he has put me through so
much and currently still is, you know, and and I'm
at the end of it. But it's just like until when,
you know, like what else when I when I go.
I've always told myself and it's it's been hard, but
it's the one thing that you cannot take is my light.
When God gives you l like you're always going to
be light and when even wants to get to you,
(27:02):
like regardless of how many times you fall, you're always
going to get up. And I feel that that's been
my thing, you know, like when I feel depressed, like
I always get up and thank God I have such
a good family support and good friends, you know, and
you have always been there for me. So I'm always
going to be grateful for the rest of my life
for all that you have done for us, and for
(27:22):
being there for me, and for being the shoulder to
cry on when I need.
Speaker 1 (27:26):
To always, I mean, I'm here. I will always be
here for you, I know how much. Even closing Victoria's
boutique has hurt you, you know, because that's your baby.
But you're just it's a pause, it's not a closing,
it's a pause for now until we get through this
divorce that's been seven years, because he hasn't been nice
(27:46):
and to me, I just feel like you did so
much damage and she took care of the household and
the kids and took care of you for so many years,
Like why are.
Speaker 2 (27:54):
You and he's not even part of the kid's life.
Speaker 1 (27:56):
Yeah at all, part of didn't even children?
Speaker 3 (27:59):
Yeah, has it even seen the children? So that's more.
That's more like I can't process. I know I'm not
the only woman that goes through this, and I know
a lot of women will be able to relate to
this because there's all there's a lot of us that
that go through this, you know, and.
Speaker 1 (28:16):
Absolutely and may not even know that you're that you
are married or you're dating a narcissist.
Speaker 3 (28:21):
And I've lived a very private life, so this is
this is something big for me to open up. And
but I feel I feel ready because I feel that's
also part of breaking generational is it generational curses? You know,
to be able to speak about it because before it's
like umilia, no, because.
Speaker 1 (28:44):
And this is your story to tell and this is
your truth. And now that you're healing, and you said
you've been on this healing process for about four or
five years. Now, what what does this look like? What
is it that is different about you from the judy
today than the duty that was in a marriage with
(29:07):
a narcissist?
Speaker 3 (29:07):
Like actively peace, I have so much peace, something that
I haven't felt and for years. It's like I would say,
in the past two years, regardless of the divorce, but
ever since I moved out from that previous home that
the past two years, like, I feel so much peace
where I'm at now, you know, having my children and
even though times can be difficult, you know, you learn
(29:30):
how to navigate through through life.
Speaker 2 (29:32):
So boil is he to keep past? It is sort
of incredibly I protect myself so much more from people. Yeah,
you know, and I've isolated myself from a lot of
people from my past.
Speaker 3 (29:45):
So I don't know if that really answers your question.
You know, it does different.
Speaker 1 (29:50):
It does because I think what you've done to heal
is precisely that. Like you mentioned your house, the house
that you shared with him. It was a very difficult
decision for you to say I'm going to sell this
because it was no longer peaceful there. And I think
it was that was part of your feeling, like making
those difficult decisions of like I have to sell this
house because I want to cut this cord, even the
(30:12):
hard decision I tried though.
Speaker 3 (30:14):
Yeah, yeah, I tried so hard to keep it as
much as I could and to like cutting it, like
it was financially draining me.
Speaker 2 (30:24):
I just emotionally couldn't couldn't do it no more. So.
It took a lot.
Speaker 3 (30:28):
And I remember that conversation that I told my father,
I'm going to take the step and I'm going to
let this go. Talk to my children, I said, we're
gonna let this house go. They cried a lot, and
I will remember forever that day when the real estate
ancent left the house and we were standing in the
living room and me and my kids just hug each
other and just said, like everything's gonna be okay. Yeah,
you know it was hard.
Speaker 1 (30:49):
I know, I know, I know it was hard, but
I think it was very necessary it was for you
and the kids.
Speaker 3 (30:56):
Yeah, I'm so grateful, Like it's it's been tough, but
I know, like I'm at the end and I feel it,
but I'm grateful for actually those tough moments, believe it
or not, even though they've been difficult, I wouldn't be
the woman that I am if I want to have gone.
Speaker 2 (31:08):
Through all that. Absolutely, at the end of the day,
I do, thank God.
Speaker 1 (31:11):
And now now that you're dating and stuff like, do
you can you recognize now the red flags? Like now
can you're like, oh wait a second.
Speaker 3 (31:22):
Most definitely, But I would say recently, I'm better.
Speaker 2 (31:25):
You know. It took me a long time to even
start to date.
Speaker 3 (31:28):
Yeah, you know, because I I've always dedicated myself to
my kids. So now that they're older, now that I
have a son that's in college and I have my
daughter who's a senior and about to go to college,
I feel ready. I feel ready to healthy date, right,
like healthy date. And when I say say date, it's
not like, oh my god, you're dating multiple men, you know,
it's not even like that because because I do protect
(31:51):
my energy so much. So that's another thing too, like
if you buy, I'm so intuitive, like you're intuitive, like
my I always say, like your third eye is open, right,
So it's like you. You respect your boundaries even more
boundaries is a big thing. So if you're not aligning
with my values, then I'm not going to waste my time.
Speaker 2 (32:13):
And it's okay. And thank you so much, you know,
for your time.
Speaker 1 (32:15):
Yeah, I'm glad you're giving yourself the chance because you
deserve it and you're a great woman. I always tell
you this, if I was a man, even if I
wasn't a man and I was a married girl, I
would day, chow us, I would have already married you.
Speaker 2 (32:26):
What did I tell you? What did I say? We
would have a fucking.
Speaker 1 (32:31):
Heck. Yeah, I was like, dude, someone better swoop you up.
Before I got married to a meet, I would tell her.
I would always tell her. I was like, dude, let's
just get married. Let's get married. We don't have to
be sexual. We'll just get married by a house together,
get the tax deductions. I know, and that's it, you know,
Like I really that was like she's a freaking awesome woman.
(32:52):
And I'm not just saying that because she's my best friend,
but she really is. You guys, and and you thank you.
I'm so happy to hear that you're you're freaking open
into this and talking about values because you just said
about like you know, if you're not going to waste
your time or the other person's time. Like, what is
it that you're looking for in a man now? Like
what are the traits? What are the things that you
want now? Coming from a very dark place in a
(33:15):
dark marriage, now that you're in the light, what is
it that Judy wants in a man?
Speaker 2 (33:19):
A man that makes you feel safe?
Speaker 1 (33:21):
Mm?
Speaker 2 (33:22):
Girl, Yes, a man that makes you feel safe? And
you know when you.
Speaker 1 (33:25):
Know, you know, And we're not even talking financially, not
about emotionally.
Speaker 2 (33:29):
That's the thing.
Speaker 3 (33:30):
Like it's not even talking about financials, right, Like, as
long as it's a hard, hardworking man, I don't care
what you do, but as long as you strive to
do better for yourself, like Gattle, that's something to admire, right.
But someone that makes you feel safe because I've always
had to be I've always had to be in this
like my masculine energy, right, a protector because i have
(33:51):
my children, i have my home. So if I've done
it on my own and I've been through so many
trials in life, you best believe.
Speaker 2 (34:00):
I'm okay being alone, Like I'm not.
Speaker 3 (34:03):
I'm not gonna try to keep like to try to
keep anybody around for the wrong reasons. So making me
feel safe is an important thing. Loyalty obviously, like loyalty
in respect.
Speaker 1 (34:15):
And honesty even with the ugly stuff.
Speaker 3 (34:17):
Oh my god, honesty, Like yes, I would say, make
me feel safe, safe, honesty, loyalty, respect, communication obviously like communication.
And there's so many things that we could go into,
but one of those closes is camargazine keeps like safe persona,
everything's gonna be okay.
Speaker 1 (34:36):
Yeah, like you feel like even if I lived in
a box with this person, Yes, I got it. Yeah, Yeah,
that's a writer die, a writer, a baby ger Okay.
And what about like a religious person, do you need
a religious person? Are you okay with a person that
doesn't believe in God? Like I'm just asking you just
because I'm nosy, you.
Speaker 3 (34:53):
Know, no, it's okay as long as they are spiritual
and they are a good human being. Ten years ago,
like I have told you, oh, he has to be
Catholic because I was raised Catholic. Going through my healing process,
I'm not going to say that, Oh I'm not Catholic anymore,
but I became more of a spiritual person. I became
more about doing right in life because I feel this
world needs more of that and do good in life,
(35:20):
so that's more important to me to have a good heart.
Speaker 1 (35:23):
Uh huh. I agree.
Speaker 3 (35:25):
I don't care if the person is Christian, Catholic, Muslim,
whatever the case is, you know, as long as they
are a great human being and they bring value to
my life, because I know what value I could bring
to your life.
Speaker 1 (35:36):
Amen, girl, Hell yeah, I love that. And you know what,
I wrote some things down for you guys because I
know we talked about it here with with Judy. But
also there is healthy narcissism. I do think that we
all have a little bit of it in us. We
just have to control it, you know. But a healthy
narcissism looks like confidence, ambition, and self respect. Obviously, anything excessive,
(35:59):
it becomes the other side, a toxic narcissism. When we
talked about it is obviously gaslighting, manipulation, blame shifting, which
we talked about, entitlement. They feel very entitled, no accountability whatsoever. Okay,
common narcissistic behaviors. Just so you guys have some context,
(36:19):
just in case, you know, like you're questioning you know,
I want to make it very clear. Lack of empathy
is huge, minimizing your feelings, making everything about them. And
I'm telling you because I have lived this, you guys,
and how they would switch things on me is crazy.
Like it's insane. Grandosity, okay, exaggerating achievements, that's what. That's
(36:42):
another thing, special treatment, expectations. Judy talks about this a
little bit like, Okay, you're gonna work, but you better
like turn that off and then you come and take
care of your husband and make sure that my shoes
are shined, like boy, chill out, need of constant validation,
fish for compliments, upset when not admired. I used to
(37:03):
deal with that. Again, it's crazy. And you know the
first time I heard this word narcissistic or narcissism was
from my Mommy. Did I ever tell you that? No.
I didn't even know this word existed until I was
twenty six years old. My mom told me that I
was narcissistic, and I was like, yes, yeah, she told
me that, okay, And I was like, what is this?
(37:26):
And I started looking it up. I started looking it
up and I researched and I was like, I went
down a rabbit hole, and I was like, wait, this
doesn't feel like me. I'm like, I was so hurt
because obviously all I wanted was my mom's love and approval.
And I started realizing, like right now, when I read
this part upset when I admired, my mom would get upset,
(37:47):
like if I didn't laugh at the bad things that
I didn't agree with, or certain things that happened in
her career, like she I don't know if you ever
saw this video, and she poured She poured the beer
over some girls head on stage because the girl threw
a beer at her on stage, which I get.
Speaker 2 (38:03):
I remember seeing like a clip on social media.
Speaker 1 (38:06):
Yes, yes, and then she called her on stage. The
girl was clearly out of her mind drunk. I don't
excuse what she did, but my mom poured a whole
beer on her head on stage on stage and humiliated her.
And I cannot want to judge my mom because I
don't like when someone threw something at me on stage.
(38:27):
It pissed me off. But when she came home that
weekend from the show and it was all over social
media and like the whole thing I told my mom,
I was like, I don't agree with that, Mom, like
you're an artist, you have to like control yourself, and
like she was really upset, like she did not like
that I went against everyone else was laughing like oh, yeah,
you did good and this and that, like yes people,
and I was like not laughing, and she's like why
(38:47):
aren't you laughing? Like what's wrong with you? Are you mad?
And I'm like, mom, I just don't agree with that,
Like I don't think that you should do that, like
you are an artist, and like I get it, like
have your security handle that kind of stuff. And that's
why right now, when I read that, I was like,
oh my gosh, like it just reminded me of her.
Like I can't say, yeah, I can't say she was
a narcissist. I could have my opinions. I'm like maybe,
(39:07):
But when she called me that, I was like, is
she projecting? Because narcissists attended to project. Yes, they project,
they turned shit around on you.
Speaker 2 (39:15):
Yes, exactly they do.
Speaker 1 (39:17):
Yeah. So anyway, I have a lot a lot of
other things that I wrote, but just you know, you
guys look it up. And also before we close it out,
I do want to ask you a mega if there's
any advice that you can give women who find themselves
in these bad situations. And also do you think, looking back,
if you had the choice right now to do it
(39:39):
all over again, would you.
Speaker 3 (39:42):
Okay, I actually did write something down on the guards
because no, because I feel, you know, like if you're
stuck to really like we're in a relationship where where
you are shining just to keep the peace. You know
you don't have to stay. You know, you don't have
to lose yourself to keep a family together. Your kids
need hapiness more than your sacrifice. And when I wrote that,
(40:03):
it's it's I wish, you know, but I know it's
easier said than done. But yeah, you know, just know
that you're not alone and that you don't have to
stay for someone you know, because they they'll suck you
into that world. So you know, look for help, talk
to someone you know to try to get out of
the situation. Because I know a lot of people say
for finances as well. No, it's another thing. Sometimes it's
(40:26):
not just because of the kids, it's because of finances.
So just know that you don't have to stay just
so someone else, you know, you have to sacrifice.
Speaker 1 (40:32):
Yeah, and do you think that if you would have
left sooner, it would have been better for your kids.
Speaker 3 (40:37):
Maybe, Oh my God, ad one hundred percent, because my
business was thriving. If I I don't like to think
of the what if anymore because you could, really you
could get lost in it and you cannot proceed in
life and heal. And you know it's like, yep, soul
I got tonal schools. Mo these think that No, I
got sal those meat that I say. I have continued
(41:00):
working hard and I would have been able to buy
the home by myself because at the day, you know
what I mean, like would have been able to do
it on my own, so that I wouldn't have done that, Yeah,
I wouldn't have so.
Speaker 1 (41:11):
But at the end of the day, you learned, you grew,
and you're learning now and I think that God is
giving you a second chance. And I really do believe
that you can bring back Victoria's boutique. And we're all waiting.
Speaker 2 (41:24):
So I am so grateful.
Speaker 3 (41:27):
I'm so grateful for the community that I have created,
for the respect to that a lot of women give me,
and I'm always going to appreciate that and I'm not
going to let them down. So when the time is right,
when this is over. I do want to come back
in a different version.
Speaker 1 (41:43):
Yeah, and God willing, We're going to come back with
the bank Bank.
Speaker 2 (41:46):
Yes, Yes, with the big bank yah, the bank Bank. Yes.
Speaker 1 (41:50):
Yeah. Well you're glowing, Amiga. And again I've said it
like I don't know how many times on right now,
but I really, I really mean it, like I'm so proud.
I'm very proud of you, and I'm proud of the
kids too, because of course I love you for.
Speaker 3 (42:04):
Being there for us always. You are a big part
of our life, so forever grateful.
Speaker 2 (42:09):
I love you.
Speaker 1 (42:10):
She's my soul sister.
Speaker 2 (42:11):
Guys, I am guys, So you want to know.
Speaker 1 (42:18):
Just to make it to you, I said, because in
the beginning of the intro, I was like one of
my best friends. I have a lot of friends, but
like really, my only, only, like hardcore best friend is Judy.
It's the truth. Like it's not to make anyone feel bad.
I love all my friends very much, but the one
I run to is Judy. This is my first Okay,
I said it on the pod. Finally, finally, thank you
(42:45):
so much for being on and guys, thank you guys
for listening, thank you for being here. Like Judy said,
if you find yourself in this situation, and now after
listening to this episode, you realize, oh my goodness, I
am with a narcissister. My myself, I myself am a narcissist.
We can all change. And I've told you guys this
(43:05):
before in medio. My husband always says that he was
a narcissist, and I think through therapy and wanting to
do the right thing and not wanting to repeat patterns,
he made the choice to change. And I do see
that he has changed. And obviously I'm experiencive and I
wouldn't have married him. But people can change. And that's
not to say, Okay, leave your husband you're in this
bad situation, but definitely recognizing it, finding help, going to therapy,
(43:28):
reading books on it, doing your research therapy, Yes, will
definitely help a lot. Guys, So thank you for listening.
I love you and Amiga Damo. Thank you for coming on,
and I'll catch you guys on the next episode of
Cheeky's and Chill. This is a production of iHeartRadio and
(43:48):
the Michael Dura podcast Network. Follow us on Instagram at
Michael Doura Podcasts, then follow me Cheeky's that's Chiqui s.
For more podcasts from iHeart, visit the iHeart Radio, Apple
Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite podcast
Ola, Mie. Yeah, welcome to this week's episode of your
favorite podcast, Cheek Is in Chill, where you come to learn, Grow,
and glow. Guys, I'm just going to jump right into
it and say that this is an episode you should
listen to from start to finish. One of my best
friends in the entire world, Judy Sepetra, is going to
be sharing what it's like being married to a narcissist
(00:29):
and what kind of mental, emotional and financial damage it's cost.
And I know firsthand it's affected her self esteem, future relationships,
and even her business, so I'm really glad she's here
with us today to share more about it.
Speaker 2 (00:43):
Hello, Amiga, how are you, Ola, Mia Comosus mo Vian.
Speaker 1 (00:48):
I'm so happy that you're here, and honestly thank you
so much. I know how how much it's taken from
you to get to this point where you can actually
talk about this, so I'm very proud of you, first
of all, and I feel very honored that you chose
Cheese and Chill to talk about this topic that I
think is very important. I know, firstan I also dated
(01:12):
a narcissist and I know how difficult that was for me.
But also I think a lot of people don't even
know that they might be dealing with a narcissist. So
that's what this episode is going to be all about.
So first and foremost, when do you think you realized
I'm dealing with a narcissist?
Speaker 3 (01:28):
I knew this a long time ago, and that's one
of the things that I that I tell myself now, like.
Speaker 2 (01:34):
Why did I go back?
Speaker 3 (01:35):
Why did I go back knowing that it wasn't going
to get any better?
Speaker 2 (01:40):
But I had hope. I had hope, and.
Speaker 3 (01:44):
I knew it because he was a manipulator, mental abuse
or I don't know, how.
Speaker 1 (01:51):
Do you say it, like a verbally abusive as well, Yeah, as.
Speaker 3 (01:54):
Of mentally abuse of like manipulative. But I always had hope,
and I would always tell myself, you know what, like
as long as I could stay until they're eighteen. We
technically lived in separate rooms, and I think I could
handle it, so I could give my children that opportunity.
At the end of the day, everything is based off
of my kids, Like my kids are my world, and
I wanted to put myself aside to do that for them.
Speaker 2 (02:14):
So I knew what I was getting myself into.
Speaker 3 (02:16):
I just didn't think I was gonna get as bad
as it did towards the end.
Speaker 1 (02:21):
Towards the end, Why do you think that you stayed
in the relationship for so long? How long were you
married to him?
Speaker 2 (02:29):
Technically, technically legally twenty four years?
Speaker 1 (02:32):
Oh my gosh. Every time I think about that, it's like, wow,
twenty four years. Yeah, that's a big chunk of your life.
Speaker 3 (02:38):
Amiya Yes, it's a big chunk of my life. But
obviously there was in between's where separated for four years
and then got back together and then been separated for
seven years. But legally it has been that long. But
I would say, even though I haven't been with the
person you know for so long, it's still doing a
lot of damage to me. Yeah, just because it's not
(02:58):
completely over exact. But the reason why I stayed for
a long time it does have to do a lot
with my family values, because I do come from a
very traditional Hispanic family, and because I believe and I
wanted to give my children a family.
Speaker 1 (03:12):
Yeah, so you felt I'm doing the right thing. It
doesn't matter what happens, because that happens a lot in
our culture. My grandma did it. She stayed in her
marriage even if my Grandpa was disrespectful, was cheating. Her
whole thing was don't have another child outside of the marriage,
and I can deal with everything else. Yeah, to me,
you know, like that's a lot, but that's something that
(03:34):
it's very common in our culture.
Speaker 2 (03:37):
It is very common.
Speaker 3 (03:38):
Unfortunately, you know, we think that we're doing the good
thing by staying because of the kids. And that's one
of the reasons that I stayed, because I wanted to
give my children a father, but not like I didn't
realize that I was actually harming them. And I feel
a lot of women stay, you know, for the wrong reasons,
and at the end of the day, we end up
harming our children sore right more. And that's one of
(04:00):
the things that I've had to deal with.
Speaker 1 (04:02):
Yeah, And I will tell you, I think you have
amazing children, not just because I know them personally, but
I know what they've been through and I think you've
done a very good job with them. So you should
be very proud of both of them. I appreciate that, yeah,
because I know I know it's been hard. Did he
ever in your relationship, even before kids, did he ever
(04:27):
like treat you like a queen?
Speaker 3 (04:30):
I would say at the beginning, you know, because it
was so long ago. Yes, I would get he would
just buy me gifts. You know, he would buy me gifts.
So I thought, Okay, he's for me. It was like
he's a provider, right, He's a provider. And I didn't
know what love was. I was seventeen. Do we really
know what love is at seventeen?
Speaker 2 (04:48):
We don't know?
Speaker 1 (04:49):
Damn you were seventeen.
Speaker 3 (04:51):
We go based off of, you know, what we were
taught in, like being raised in a traditional family.
Speaker 2 (04:56):
So this is my first boyfriend. I have to marry
the first boyfriend.
Speaker 3 (04:59):
I know people wouldn't think that I thought like this,
but that's the way my mentality was at seventeen.
Speaker 2 (05:04):
So I'm married for all the wrong reasons.
Speaker 3 (05:06):
I mean, now I understand it, you know, at the
age that I'm at, But I'm married for all the
wrong reasons because there was a lot of red flags
at the beginning, which was infidelity. But I still went
ahead and did it because I'm like, he's going to
change and he's my first boyfriend, and this is how
it's going to work out.
Speaker 1 (05:22):
So way, he cheated on you before even getting married,
two weeks before stop it. Yes, a girl and you've
probably felt the pressure of like I already the bread for.
Speaker 3 (05:33):
Like the wedding, and it's gonna be okay, It's gonna
be okay. I would always tell myself that it's just
it's it's mind blowing to believe that my younger self.
Speaker 2 (05:43):
Thought like that.
Speaker 1 (05:44):
But meyeah, you were seventeen. There's no way, Like That's
why I'm a firm believer. And if you feel you're
ready at that age or whatever to get married, I
think people are starting to get married a little older
because like that those are like your you know, you're
still developing, You're still talk about yourself. You know. I
feel like at that age, no offense to anyone, but
(06:07):
I feel like no one has, like no one has like.
Speaker 2 (06:09):
What was he saying, they're not in the right mindset?
Speaker 1 (06:12):
Yeah, Like you know, it's like you shouldn't be, in
my opinion, getting married that young.
Speaker 3 (06:18):
I am with you on that when and that's what
I tell my children too, like please don't comit the
same mistake, like prepare yourself, because you really don't know
who you are at seventeen, not even in your early twenties, right,
regardless of you're successful in your early twenties, but a relationship,
I just it's it's not what we all think it is.
Speaker 1 (06:36):
Yeah, so that's that's definitely a big red ass flag.
I didn't even know that that he had been unfaithful
two weeks before getting married. How old was he? You
were seventeen and he was held.
Speaker 3 (06:47):
He let me see, he's about six years older, so
like twenty twenty four so or something like that, like
around their early twenties. He was in his early twenties,
in his early twenties.
Speaker 1 (06:59):
What other flags did did you see?
Speaker 2 (07:04):
See? What other red flags?
Speaker 3 (07:06):
Just like the manipulation, Like god, you know what, when
I think back at it, it's I'm so numb to
like when I was seventeen. Yeah, I could tell you
more towards like when we got back together, or when
the first time after having my son that I found
(07:26):
out he was he was he cheated again.
Speaker 1 (07:30):
So he was just unfaithful throughout the whole marriage.
Speaker 3 (07:32):
Throughout the whole marriage. Throughout the whole marriage, he was unfaithful.
And I know it's very hard because a lot of
women could be like well after once, like why did
you go back?
Speaker 2 (07:42):
You don't know until you're in it to be honest.
Speaker 1 (07:44):
With exactly, and not only that, you had the pressure
of your family with you know, it was just tradition.
Speaker 2 (07:50):
That is something that I will say it.
Speaker 3 (07:52):
I love my family so much, but I always felt
a lot of pressure. And it's nothing against them, it's yeah,
it's just you know, and because I didn't want to fail,
I didn't want to fail the family traditions. I didn't
want to fail my family at which I look up
to so much. You know, I come from parents that
have been married for forty eight years and they've been through,
you know, many hard times. So I'm like, maybe I
(08:14):
could get through it myself too.
Speaker 2 (08:16):
You know.
Speaker 3 (08:16):
I just wanted to make my family proud, you know,
since and you know that you or my family personally
as well, and they're amazing, they are amazing. It's just
the traditions were really implemented into me.
Speaker 1 (08:30):
No, one hundred percent. And I think a lot of
women that are listening are going to be able to
understand that. And I can say that now I see
you choosing yourself and I commend you and I admire
you for staying in that relationship for your children. You know,
you were really trying to do the right thing. Until
you couldn't anymore because he just wasn't even he wasn't
(08:52):
doing his part. So it's like, how in the hell
this is so imbalanced? How am I going to continue
to want to make this work? And I'm forgiving you,
but you're not doing your part. You're taking it clearly granted,
you're taking my kindness for weakness, you know.
Speaker 3 (09:05):
Yes, until until I had a breaking point where I
couldn't no more because I was sinking into his black,
dark world. You know where I started like getting depressed,
where sadly I started to get suicidal thoughts. I remember
clearly one time where I told my mom, and I've
been there was even times where I told you, like
I can't more, you know, And it's hard. It's hard
(09:26):
when when you prefer to like I would think, like
my kids are gonna be fine with my mom, you know, Yeah,
And it's hard. It's hard to it's hard to like
remember that because it's it was hard.
Speaker 1 (09:36):
Yeah, of course, of course I know. I know how
much this has affected you, and that's why I'm so
grateful that you're talking to us about this semming up,
because I know it has affected you. But I think
you're getting out of that whole you know era, it's
like you are glowing like no other and and that's amazing.
It takes a lot of hard work. It takes a
(09:56):
lot of courage, a lot of courage.
Speaker 3 (09:58):
A lot of courage to get out of such a
dark place and on your own and not medication or
and I don't it's not me judging anybody who decides
to take medication, but to actually try to do it
on your own to get out of that mental you know,
situation is it does take a lot in years, like
I've been healing for like I want to say, a
(10:19):
good solid four years where I've really been doing a
lot of work on myself because I want to be
good for my children.
Speaker 1 (10:25):
Yeah, and I don't want to take you back to
these moments, but like, especially like earlier on, we can
talk about, like if you feel comfortable what happened when
you guys got back together later since you get a
little bit more fresh, But do you remember, because one
of the biggest traits of a narcissist is a love bombing.
Do you remember him love bombing?
Speaker 2 (10:44):
I would say his love bombing was gifts.
Speaker 1 (10:47):
Okay, so he would for instance, if he did something bad.
He would buy you something or no.
Speaker 2 (10:52):
Oh yeah, or trips or trips like let's go to
New York.
Speaker 3 (10:55):
And I would be like, and I remember clearly one incident,
I was like, I don't want to go.
Speaker 2 (11:00):
I don't want to go. And then he came, he
came into my room.
Speaker 3 (11:03):
He's all like, let's go, let's work this out, like
let's go have a good time, like you know, staying
at the Ritz Carlton, like in New York.
Speaker 2 (11:09):
And and I just like said I didn't feel it,
but I still went ahead with it.
Speaker 3 (11:14):
I'm like, Okay, well I'm already in it, like let's
see if this trip will change anything, you know. And
so it was that like like if situations would happen
like let me, let me take you here, or let's
do this like by you a ring, you know, it's
always gifts, and it was always material things.
Speaker 1 (11:34):
Yes, and there were always strings attached to those things.
Speaker 2 (11:37):
Alcoholism a lot a lot as well.
Speaker 1 (11:41):
Yeah. Also yes, yeah, you can see and I'm not
going to say his name, but you know, one of them,
well you know, my whole life. But that narcissist that
I was talking about, he would do the same thing.
He would piss me off and do something really messed
up or flirt with girls or whatever it is he
was doing. He would send me crazy flowers and then
(12:06):
like okay, here go singer a song, Maueroquero. He would
buy me like my rings the months. The month is uhh,
the a month is Yeah. It's like they feel that
they can't buy their way out of everything.
Speaker 2 (12:23):
And it's like, and that's one of the major red flags.
Speaker 3 (12:27):
I know there's a lot of little ones, and I
know everybody has a different definition for narcissism and every
situation is different.
Speaker 2 (12:34):
But I feel like, you know, like if that's going
to change anything.
Speaker 1 (12:40):
Yeah, not really even taking accountability for what they did.
It's more like, you know, let's just get over it,
let's go on a trip, let me buy you this,
and then they do it again and then and then
they tell you when you guys get in another fight,
be like, well, you're not happy. I just took you
to freaking Gabo Lucas or I just took you to
I just brought you this car. Like what that doesn't
show you that I love you? Like, No, what I
(13:01):
want to hear is let's go to therapy. I am sorry.
Like like, really with your even if you got to cry,
it's like, I'm sorry, I'm never going to put you
through that again. Like that is a real apology. It's
not just hey, let me buy you something. Of course
those things are nice, don't get me wrong, But there's
something so much deeper than that.
Speaker 3 (13:20):
They don't take accountability of their actions, and they want
to then switch things and make you like you're going crazy,
like they're the victim and because of you this happened.
Speaker 2 (13:30):
And when you stay, when when you stay.
Speaker 3 (13:33):
So long in a relationship like this, you start to
think you are the problem. Yeah, it's crazy, it's a
it's a mind.
Speaker 1 (13:39):
It's mind fucking Yeah, it's yes, it is so my
fucking That's one of the biggest things is gaslighting with them,
it's you made me do this. If you did this,
then I wouldn't act like that.
Speaker 2 (13:53):
No, And then yeah, that was.
Speaker 1 (14:21):
Because he would do something to upset you, and then
all of a sudden he would turn it on you
like now I'm not going to talk to you and
make you like I remember you would tell me like
he just passed by me, like I don't even exist exactly,
and you're like, what am I the problem. You would
question yourself of like you would even forget about why
you were mad at the like in the first place,
because he would turn it around so much exactly.
Speaker 3 (14:41):
It created so much anxiety and created so much like concern,
like like like just being like just it was.
Speaker 1 (14:50):
It was a lot of mental and emotional torture.
Speaker 2 (14:53):
It was. It was.
Speaker 1 (15:01):
So talk to us and tell us a little bit
about when you guys left each other the first time,
whatever details you want to get into or not. But
how that because you were older.
Speaker 3 (15:10):
I was a little older, a little older, but I
still feel I was a little naive, and I still
feel I didn't know what was going to happen with
my life. Yeah, because I was still like in my
what was it. I was in my I want to say,
in my late twenties, like when that happened. So I
was still young, so young, because I got married at
twenty guys, I got married at twenty, So I got
(15:32):
married at a very young age. And when I found
out the thing is this is crazy. It took me
a year to gather all intel and data to be
able to confront him.
Speaker 2 (15:43):
But he was in another full on blown relationship for
five years it was five years that he was in
a full blown relationship. It's crazy.
Speaker 3 (15:51):
And I met the person and she was very in
love and I didn't cry, And it is what I needed,
that confirmation for my self because I wanted to know details.
I'm a person that I want to know what happened
and what went wrong because I thought I was a problem,
you know, for so many years, because they made you
think you are the problem. Yeah, and then you realize
(16:12):
I was never the problem. You know, it was it
was their dark world, you know, that they drag you into.
But the first time when that happened, it was I
was living in Arizona. So it was very difficult because
my kids were My daughter wasn't even one years old.
So so I left Arizona. Obviously not like the first
day or anything like that, but it took me some time,
(16:35):
and so I left and I came to live with
my parents.
Speaker 2 (16:37):
But it was a very difficult process the first time.
Speaker 1 (16:40):
And you guys were separated? How long?
Speaker 2 (16:42):
Four years?
Speaker 1 (16:43):
Four years? Okay, so you guys were separated four years?
And why did you go back? Was it the kids again?
Did you love him?
Speaker 2 (16:50):
No? I stopped loving him sixteen years ago.
Speaker 1 (16:53):
Shit, yeah, So it was solely for the kids.
Speaker 3 (16:55):
And because solely for the kids, I didn't want to
be living under my parents' household.
Speaker 2 (17:00):
Then I didn't like for my parents to see like,
what is she like, what is she doing? And I don't.
Speaker 3 (17:04):
I just always felt like I was just sinking and sinking.
So I thought to myself, Okay, he's telling me that
he's changing. He's telling me that he wants to go back.
He's told me that he wants his family back, So
I believed him.
Speaker 1 (17:18):
Were you guys already had you started the process of
the divorce.
Speaker 2 (17:22):
I never filed.
Speaker 3 (17:23):
Oh, I never filed at all because I was a housewife.
I didn't know what I was going to do with
my life.
Speaker 2 (17:29):
I didn't know.
Speaker 3 (17:30):
I started school, and I was just so confused. Honestly,
it's like when you're so taken care of and then
all of a sudden you're thrown to the world at
twenty something years old. You know, it's just like, well, yeah,
my late twenties.
Speaker 2 (17:45):
I didn't know. I was so confused.
Speaker 1 (17:47):
I was confused because you were a housewife. So you
take this is what blows my mind, guys. This man,
in my eyes, had an amazing woman, thank you. This
is the only guy she's ever been with. She was
seventeen pure when he first met her, has two kids
with her house, clean, food made, and she would look hot,
(18:07):
high heels in everything.
Speaker 2 (18:08):
I would dress up.
Speaker 1 (18:09):
I know she would dress up for him to come
home and eat dinner every single day. And he still
cheated and he still did this. And to me, it's because,
in my opinion, he never loved himself, like he never
definitely healed some unresolved things that he had from his childhood.
He has things that he needs to take care of
and he never took the time to do that. So
what would he do. He would use Judy as his
(18:32):
punching bag and project on her. And it was just
like had a beautiful trophy wife at home and wasn't
giving her what she needed. And that, to me, I'm
just like, what the hell? Because you didn't work, Your
home and your family was your job.
Speaker 3 (18:46):
And I always had to be home by a certain time.
He would get very upset if I wasn't home by six.
So by the time he was home, I had to
be home.
Speaker 1 (18:54):
Yeah, Oh my gosh.
Speaker 3 (18:56):
And that there is narcissism, that there is controlling. They
love to control you. And when they when they and
when they see you down, when they see you suffering,
they feed off of that.
Speaker 2 (19:07):
It's like.
Speaker 3 (19:11):
You know, it's like, see, it's so like my ego,
Like my ego.
Speaker 1 (19:17):
Is here exactly, let me suck everything out of you.
Speaker 2 (19:20):
Yes, they want to suck everything out of you.
Speaker 1 (19:23):
And see this is the thing you were. You were
you did the right thing, what felt right in the moment,
what you had seen in your household. So you put
all your eggs in one basket. You weren't working or anything.
And I think a lot of women don't realize that,
like you just said, control, they if it's not the
right person, then they feel that this is their way
(19:46):
of controlling. And they control the money because they're not
making their own money. So and that was your that
was your position you you were making your own money.
You depended on him fully like you were, like I
got married to do my duties as a wife and
I'm basically in a way, it feels like I'm at
your disposal. And that's how he felt. That's what he
(20:07):
wanted to make you feel.
Speaker 2 (20:08):
And it's like I have to do everything because.
Speaker 3 (20:14):
So I'm thankful, I'm grateful you know what, he's under
a lot of stress.
Speaker 2 (20:17):
You know, it's okay.
Speaker 3 (20:18):
When I got pregnant with Alfredo, he started going to
another room because you know what, Like he would cry
so and I'm like, I have to be understanding because
he wakes up so early to go to work and
then come back and then let me be the understanding wife.
You know it's sami, and but little do you know,
it's because he was doing what he was doing.
Speaker 1 (20:36):
It's yeah, oh my gosh, that sounds so famire. The
same thing happened to me. I know, give it went
sat but you know what I mean, actually, no, no,
give it went soap because at the end of the day,
I learned and that helped me learn what I didn't
want and what I did want in a relationship. I
had to go through that. We had to go through
this in order to grow and appreciate what we have now,
(20:59):
you know what I mean.
Speaker 2 (21:00):
Definitely.
Speaker 1 (21:00):
Yeah. And so when you guys got back together and
you trusted him and he's like, I want this back,
and you know, I want my family. What happened, Like,
you guys got back together, what were the red flags? Then?
Do you remember? So the financials is that when you
had already when you guys were separated, did you open
(21:20):
Victoria's Boutique or was it?
Speaker 2 (21:23):
Yes, Yeah, Victoria's Moutique was already open.
Speaker 1 (21:25):
But I you were a thriving girl.
Speaker 2 (21:27):
I was.
Speaker 3 (21:28):
I was, And that's something that I opened just from
the despite of everything that I was going through, you know,
But that's a whole different story. All that all started,
but it had to. That came from the pain. Victoria's
Boutique came from the pain.
Speaker 1 (21:42):
Oh I see. So for you, it was like I'm
going to start something because you probably do you remember
feeling like that, Like when you guys got separated, you
felt like, oh my gosh, like I gave all my
life to this person. He didn't appreciate it. Now what
do I have? So you're like, I need to build
something for myself.
Speaker 3 (21:57):
Yes, because he's always been a very successful he has
a very successful career.
Speaker 2 (22:02):
So he's always had something to lean on. I never did.
Speaker 3 (22:05):
Yeah, so that's why I had to create something out
of nothine.
Speaker 1 (22:08):
And yeah, it's called Victoria's Boutique twenty twelve guys, because
she opened it in twenty twelve. Victoria's their daughter. That's
my goddaughter. And that's how we met, you guys. Just
to give you guys a little bit of backstory, Like, so,
Judia and I met through, thank god, through Victoria's boutique.
So I'm always going to be grateful to Victoria's boutique
because we met in LA. She's like, hey, I want
to send you some clothes, and I'm like, heck you.
Speaker 2 (22:29):
I'm like, oh my god.
Speaker 1 (22:30):
And then her and I she brought it to me
personally looking fabulous, and I was like, damn, this gross
being WAPPI. You know, she's very good looking and very professional,
and she brought me all kinds of clothes and I
was like, oh my goodness. She I could just see
like she was a hustler, you know. And so we
hit it off and we became friends and the friendship
started developing, and then I met him and I met
(22:51):
the kids and everything, and it was the first online
boutique that I ever recognized. I didn't even know online
boutiques existed. I could tell you, guys, Victoria's boutique was
one of the first. And you were doing really well.
So I think, in my opinion, that was one of
the things of like, oh, she's doing well, she could
do it without me. Let me go back in there
(23:12):
and fuck with her a little bit and convince her
that I want her back. And I think that's when
he started tormenting you because you were working so much. Right,
you guys got back together, and he didn't like it.
Speaker 3 (23:24):
He was never happy for me, like we had separate accounts,
but we I would always tell him like, oh my god,
like I'm doing so good, I'm doing so good, and
I always felt that the happiness wasn't genuine. And there
came a point where he said, well, you need to
you need to figure out how you're going to manage
like when I get home, like I need my wife
right and like stop working. But I'm like I was thriving,
(23:45):
do you know what I mean? And I try to
make that work until like I saw him like not
doing his job as a husband. So I'm like, you
know what, I'm gonna go back to work in my
garage and it's fine, Like kids are taking care of myself.
I still take care of the kids, like and he
kind of just like I wasn't going to let him
bring me down, but sometimes he would, and for a
couple of months, sometimes the business wouldn't do good because
(24:06):
I was trying to take care of the marriage, you
get me.
Speaker 2 (24:09):
So it was a lot of back and forth.
Speaker 1 (24:10):
Do you feel like if you had his full on,
honest support it would have been easier to juggle both.
Speaker 3 (24:17):
Of course, right, But but a person like that doesn't
see those things. A person like that, their energy is
very negative and it ends up actually energy is everything,
and it ends up actually affecting your business as well.
Speaker 1 (24:30):
Yeah, and he was jealous. I think he was just
jealous that you found your own you know.
Speaker 3 (24:36):
I honestly feel he was jealous and modamvien, you know,
like they want you to depend on them, like because
that's the way they control you.
Speaker 2 (24:53):
You know.
Speaker 3 (24:55):
I remember many times, like when things were like gonna end,
he would use the health insurance and and I'm like.
Speaker 2 (25:00):
Oh, yeah, that's right.
Speaker 3 (25:01):
Like I don't know why I would believe him about
health insurance, Like, no, it is not a like like
was like health insurance, you know what I mean, Like
was going to take It's so weird.
Speaker 1 (25:11):
Like because he paid for your guys a health insurance. Ye,
Like it's okay. I mean you he was your first,
he was your first. Everything you believed him like he
was surprised you.
Speaker 2 (25:23):
But I wasn't even in love with him.
Speaker 3 (25:24):
But I'm like, but I have two kids with him,
so he would want to take care of us, right,
because it's like it's your blood. No, guys, it's it's.
Speaker 1 (25:35):
And you know what now in retrospect, and and and
and and I mean this so respectfully, I think, and
I could be wrong, but I think like in a
narcissist's mind, they're always planning and thinking and always like
have like h an agenda. So I feel like, not
that he didn't, I don't know. I don't think that
(25:56):
he ever loved you the right way, but I think
that when he saw that you were doing well with
Victoria Boutique, He's like, I'm going to get myself in there,
and like he knew that whatever is yours is his
and vice versa. So I think he was almost had
like a freaking plan because it's not like he came
back and was like miraculously a better person.
Speaker 3 (26:15):
No, And there's a reason why First Boutique is closed
right now, you know, it's it's it is. That's a
whole different story as well. But none of us, you know, okay,
because I was the house hurt me a lot too,
So it's just like.
Speaker 2 (26:35):
I feel he would be really happy, like to see
me on the streets, you know. And it's it's sad.
Speaker 3 (26:42):
It is sad because he has put me through so
much and currently still is, you know, and and I'm
at the end of it. But it's just like until when,
you know, like what else when I when I go.
I've always told myself and it's it's been hard, but
it's the one thing that you cannot take is my light.
When God gives you l like you're always going to
be light and when even wants to get to you,
(27:02):
like regardless of how many times you fall, you're always
going to get up. And I feel that that's been
my thing, you know, like when I feel depressed, like
I always get up and thank God I have such
a good family support and good friends, you know, and
you have always been there for me. So I'm always
going to be grateful for the rest of my life
for all that you have done for us, and for
(27:22):
being there for me, and for being the shoulder to
cry on when I need.
Speaker 1 (27:26):
To always, I mean, I'm here. I will always be
here for you, I know how much. Even closing Victoria's
boutique has hurt you, you know, because that's your baby.
But you're just it's a pause, it's not a closing,
it's a pause for now until we get through this
divorce that's been seven years, because he hasn't been nice
(27:46):
and to me, I just feel like you did so
much damage and she took care of the household and
the kids and took care of you for so many years,
Like why are.
Speaker 2 (27:54):
You and he's not even part of the kid's life.
Speaker 1 (27:56):
Yeah at all, part of didn't even children?
Speaker 3 (27:59):
Yeah, has it even seen the children? So that's more.
That's more like I can't process. I know I'm not
the only woman that goes through this, and I know
a lot of women will be able to relate to
this because there's all there's a lot of us that
that go through this, you know, and.
Speaker 1 (28:16):
Absolutely and may not even know that you're that you
are married or you're dating a narcissist.
Speaker 3 (28:21):
And I've lived a very private life, so this is
this is something big for me to open up. And
but I feel I feel ready because I feel that's
also part of breaking generational is it generational curses? You know,
to be able to speak about it because before it's
like umilia, no, because.
Speaker 1 (28:44):
And this is your story to tell and this is
your truth. And now that you're healing, and you said
you've been on this healing process for about four or
five years. Now, what what does this look like? What
is it that is different about you from the judy
today than the duty that was in a marriage with
(29:07):
a narcissist?
Speaker 3 (29:07):
Like actively peace, I have so much peace, something that
I haven't felt and for years. It's like I would say,
in the past two years, regardless of the divorce, but
ever since I moved out from that previous home that
the past two years, like, I feel so much peace
where I'm at now, you know, having my children and
even though times can be difficult, you know, you learn
(29:30):
how to navigate through through life.
Speaker 2 (29:32):
So boil is he to keep past? It is sort
of incredibly I protect myself so much more from people. Yeah,
you know, and I've isolated myself from a lot of
people from my past.
Speaker 3 (29:45):
So I don't know if that really answers your question.
You know, it does different.
Speaker 1 (29:50):
It does because I think what you've done to heal
is precisely that. Like you mentioned your house, the house
that you shared with him. It was a very difficult
decision for you to say I'm going to sell this
because it was no longer peaceful there. And I think
it was that was part of your feeling, like making
those difficult decisions of like I have to sell this
house because I want to cut this cord, even the
(30:12):
hard decision I tried though.
Speaker 3 (30:14):
Yeah, yeah, I tried so hard to keep it as
much as I could and to like cutting it, like
it was financially draining me.
Speaker 2 (30:24):
I just emotionally couldn't couldn't do it no more. So.
It took a lot.
Speaker 3 (30:28):
And I remember that conversation that I told my father,
I'm going to take the step and I'm going to
let this go. Talk to my children, I said, we're
gonna let this house go. They cried a lot, and
I will remember forever that day when the real estate
ancent left the house and we were standing in the
living room and me and my kids just hug each
other and just said, like everything's gonna be okay. Yeah,
you know it was hard.
Speaker 1 (30:49):
I know, I know, I know it was hard, but
I think it was very necessary it was for you
and the kids.
Speaker 3 (30:56):
Yeah, I'm so grateful, Like it's it's been tough, but
I know, like I'm at the end and I feel it,
but I'm grateful for actually those tough moments, believe it
or not, even though they've been difficult, I wouldn't be
the woman that I am if I want to have gone.
Speaker 2 (31:08):
Through all that. Absolutely, at the end of the day,
I do, thank God.
Speaker 1 (31:11):
And now now that you're dating and stuff like, do
you can you recognize now the red flags? Like now
can you're like, oh wait a second.
Speaker 3 (31:22):
Most definitely, But I would say recently, I'm better.
Speaker 2 (31:25):
You know. It took me a long time to even
start to date.
Speaker 3 (31:28):
Yeah, you know, because I I've always dedicated myself to
my kids. So now that they're older, now that I
have a son that's in college and I have my
daughter who's a senior and about to go to college,
I feel ready. I feel ready to healthy date, right,
like healthy date. And when I say say date, it's
not like, oh my god, you're dating multiple men, you know,
it's not even like that because because I do protect
(31:51):
my energy so much. So that's another thing too, like
if you buy, I'm so intuitive, like you're intuitive, like
my I always say, like your third eye is open, right,
So it's like you. You respect your boundaries even more
boundaries is a big thing. So if you're not aligning
with my values, then I'm not going to waste my time.
Speaker 2 (32:13):
And it's okay. And thank you so much, you know,
for your time.
Speaker 1 (32:15):
Yeah, I'm glad you're giving yourself the chance because you
deserve it and you're a great woman. I always tell
you this, if I was a man, even if I
wasn't a man and I was a married girl, I
would day, chow us, I would have already married you.
Speaker 2 (32:26):
What did I tell you? What did I say? We
would have a fucking.
Speaker 1 (32:31):
Heck. Yeah, I was like, dude, someone better swoop you up.
Before I got married to a meet, I would tell her.
I would always tell her. I was like, dude, let's
just get married. Let's get married. We don't have to
be sexual. We'll just get married by a house together,
get the tax deductions. I know, and that's it, you know,
Like I really that was like she's a freaking awesome woman.
(32:52):
And I'm not just saying that because she's my best friend,
but she really is. You guys, and and you thank you.
I'm so happy to hear that you're you're freaking open
into this and talking about values because you just said
about like you know, if you're not going to waste
your time or the other person's time. Like, what is
it that you're looking for in a man now? Like
what are the traits? What are the things that you
want now? Coming from a very dark place in a
(33:15):
dark marriage, now that you're in the light, what is
it that Judy wants in a man?
Speaker 2 (33:19):
A man that makes you feel safe?
Speaker 1 (33:21):
Mm?
Speaker 2 (33:22):
Girl, Yes, a man that makes you feel safe? And
you know when you.
Speaker 1 (33:25):
Know, you know, And we're not even talking financially, not
about emotionally.
Speaker 2 (33:29):
That's the thing.
Speaker 3 (33:30):
Like it's not even talking about financials, right, Like, as
long as it's a hard, hardworking man, I don't care
what you do, but as long as you strive to
do better for yourself, like Gattle, that's something to admire, right.
But someone that makes you feel safe because I've always
had to be I've always had to be in this
like my masculine energy, right, a protector because i have
(33:51):
my children, i have my home. So if I've done
it on my own and I've been through so many
trials in life, you best believe.
Speaker 2 (34:00):
I'm okay being alone, Like I'm not.
Speaker 3 (34:03):
I'm not gonna try to keep like to try to
keep anybody around for the wrong reasons. So making me
feel safe is an important thing. Loyalty obviously, like loyalty
in respect.
Speaker 1 (34:15):
And honesty even with the ugly stuff.
Speaker 3 (34:17):
Oh my god, honesty, Like yes, I would say, make
me feel safe, safe, honesty, loyalty, respect, communication obviously like communication.
And there's so many things that we could go into,
but one of those closes is camargazine keeps like safe persona,
everything's gonna be okay.
Speaker 1 (34:36):
Yeah, like you feel like even if I lived in
a box with this person, Yes, I got it. Yeah, Yeah,
that's a writer die, a writer, a baby ger Okay.
And what about like a religious person, do you need
a religious person? Are you okay with a person that
doesn't believe in God? Like I'm just asking you just
because I'm nosy, you.
Speaker 3 (34:53):
Know, no, it's okay as long as they are spiritual
and they are a good human being. Ten years ago,
like I have told you, oh, he has to be
Catholic because I was raised Catholic. Going through my healing process,
I'm not going to say that, Oh I'm not Catholic anymore,
but I became more of a spiritual person. I became
more about doing right in life because I feel this
world needs more of that and do good in life,
(35:20):
so that's more important to me to have a good heart.
Speaker 1 (35:23):
Uh huh. I agree.
Speaker 3 (35:25):
I don't care if the person is Christian, Catholic, Muslim,
whatever the case is, you know, as long as they
are a great human being and they bring value to
my life, because I know what value I could bring
to your life.
Speaker 1 (35:36):
Amen, girl, Hell yeah, I love that. And you know what,
I wrote some things down for you guys because I
know we talked about it here with with Judy. But
also there is healthy narcissism. I do think that we
all have a little bit of it in us. We
just have to control it, you know. But a healthy
narcissism looks like confidence, ambition, and self respect. Obviously, anything excessive,
(35:59):
it becomes the other side, a toxic narcissism. When we
talked about it is obviously gaslighting, manipulation, blame shifting, which
we talked about, entitlement. They feel very entitled, no accountability whatsoever. Okay,
common narcissistic behaviors. Just so you guys have some context,
(36:19):
just in case, you know, like you're questioning you know,
I want to make it very clear. Lack of empathy
is huge, minimizing your feelings, making everything about them. And
I'm telling you because I have lived this, you guys,
and how they would switch things on me is crazy.
Like it's insane. Grandosity, okay, exaggerating achievements, that's what. That's
(36:42):
another thing, special treatment, expectations. Judy talks about this a
little bit like, Okay, you're gonna work, but you better
like turn that off and then you come and take
care of your husband and make sure that my shoes
are shined, like boy, chill out, need of constant validation,
fish for compliments, upset when not admired. I used to
(37:03):
deal with that. Again, it's crazy. And you know the
first time I heard this word narcissistic or narcissism was
from my Mommy. Did I ever tell you that? No.
I didn't even know this word existed until I was
twenty six years old. My mom told me that I
was narcissistic, and I was like, yes, yeah, she told
me that, okay, And I was like, what is this?
(37:26):
And I started looking it up. I started looking it
up and I researched and I was like, I went
down a rabbit hole, and I was like, wait, this
doesn't feel like me. I'm like, I was so hurt
because obviously all I wanted was my mom's love and approval.
And I started realizing, like right now, when I read
this part upset when I admired, my mom would get upset,
(37:47):
like if I didn't laugh at the bad things that
I didn't agree with, or certain things that happened in
her career, like she I don't know if you ever
saw this video, and she poured She poured the beer
over some girls head on stage because the girl threw
a beer at her on stage, which I get.
Speaker 2 (38:03):
I remember seeing like a clip on social media.
Speaker 1 (38:06):
Yes, yes, and then she called her on stage. The
girl was clearly out of her mind drunk. I don't
excuse what she did, but my mom poured a whole
beer on her head on stage on stage and humiliated her.
And I cannot want to judge my mom because I
don't like when someone threw something at me on stage.
(38:27):
It pissed me off. But when she came home that
weekend from the show and it was all over social
media and like the whole thing I told my mom,
I was like, I don't agree with that, Mom, like
you're an artist, you have to like control yourself, and
like she was really upset, like she did not like
that I went against everyone else was laughing like oh, yeah,
you did good and this and that, like yes people,
and I was like not laughing, and she's like why
(38:47):
aren't you laughing? Like what's wrong with you? Are you mad?
And I'm like, mom, I just don't agree with that,
Like I don't think that you should do that, like
you are an artist, and like I get it, like
have your security handle that kind of stuff. And that's
why right now, when I read that, I was like,
oh my gosh, like it just reminded me of her.
Like I can't say, yeah, I can't say she was
a narcissist. I could have my opinions. I'm like maybe,
(39:07):
But when she called me that, I was like, is
she projecting? Because narcissists attended to project. Yes, they project,
they turned shit around on you.
Speaker 2 (39:15):
Yes, exactly they do.
Speaker 1 (39:17):
Yeah. So anyway, I have a lot a lot of
other things that I wrote, but just you know, you
guys look it up. And also before we close it out,
I do want to ask you a mega if there's
any advice that you can give women who find themselves
in these bad situations. And also do you think, looking back,
if you had the choice right now to do it
(39:39):
all over again, would you.
Speaker 3 (39:42):
Okay, I actually did write something down on the guards
because no, because I feel, you know, like if you're
stuck to really like we're in a relationship where where
you are shining just to keep the peace. You know
you don't have to stay. You know, you don't have
to lose yourself to keep a family together. Your kids
need hapiness more than your sacrifice. And when I wrote that,
(40:03):
it's it's I wish, you know, but I know it's
easier said than done. But yeah, you know, just know
that you're not alone and that you don't have to
stay for someone you know, because they they'll suck you
into that world. So you know, look for help, talk
to someone you know to try to get out of
the situation. Because I know a lot of people say
for finances as well. No, it's another thing. Sometimes it's
(40:26):
not just because of the kids, it's because of finances.
So just know that you don't have to stay just
so someone else, you know, you have to sacrifice.
Speaker 1 (40:32):
Yeah, and do you think that if you would have
left sooner, it would have been better for your kids.
Speaker 3 (40:37):
Maybe, Oh my God, ad one hundred percent, because my
business was thriving. If I I don't like to think
of the what if anymore because you could, really you
could get lost in it and you cannot proceed in
life and heal. And you know it's like, yep, soul
I got tonal schools. Mo these think that No, I
got sal those meat that I say. I have continued
(41:00):
working hard and I would have been able to buy
the home by myself because at the day, you know
what I mean, like would have been able to do
it on my own, so that I wouldn't have done that, Yeah,
I wouldn't have so.
Speaker 1 (41:11):
But at the end of the day, you learned, you grew,
and you're learning now and I think that God is
giving you a second chance. And I really do believe
that you can bring back Victoria's boutique. And we're all waiting.
Speaker 2 (41:24):
So I am so grateful.
Speaker 3 (41:27):
I'm so grateful for the community that I have created,
for the respect to that a lot of women give me,
and I'm always going to appreciate that and I'm not
going to let them down. So when the time is right,
when this is over. I do want to come back
in a different version.
Speaker 1 (41:43):
Yeah, and God willing, We're going to come back with
the bank Bank.
Speaker 2 (41:46):
Yes, Yes, with the big bank yah, the bank Bank. Yes.
Speaker 1 (41:50):
Yeah. Well you're glowing, Amiga. And again I've said it
like I don't know how many times on right now,
but I really, I really mean it, like I'm so proud.
I'm very proud of you, and I'm proud of the
kids too, because of course I love you for.
Speaker 3 (42:04):
Being there for us always. You are a big part
of our life, so forever grateful.
Speaker 2 (42:09):
I love you.
Speaker 1 (42:10):
She's my soul sister.
Speaker 2 (42:11):
Guys, I am guys, So you want to know.
Speaker 1 (42:18):
Just to make it to you, I said, because in
the beginning of the intro, I was like one of
my best friends. I have a lot of friends, but
like really, my only, only, like hardcore best friend is Judy.
It's the truth. Like it's not to make anyone feel bad.
I love all my friends very much, but the one
I run to is Judy. This is my first Okay,
I said it on the pod. Finally, finally, thank you
(42:45):
so much for being on and guys, thank you guys
for listening, thank you for being here. Like Judy said,
if you find yourself in this situation, and now after
listening to this episode, you realize, oh my goodness, I
am with a narcissister. My myself, I myself am a narcissist.
We can all change. And I've told you guys this
(43:05):
before in medio. My husband always says that he was
a narcissist, and I think through therapy and wanting to
do the right thing and not wanting to repeat patterns,
he made the choice to change. And I do see
that he has changed. And obviously I'm experiencive and I
wouldn't have married him. But people can change. And that's
not to say, Okay, leave your husband you're in this
bad situation, but definitely recognizing it, finding help, going to therapy,
(43:28):
reading books on it, doing your research therapy, Yes, will
definitely help a lot. Guys, So thank you for listening.
I love you and Amiga Damo. Thank you for coming on,
and I'll catch you guys on the next episode of
Cheeky's and Chill. This is a production of iHeartRadio and
(43:48):
the Michael Dura podcast Network. Follow us on Instagram at
Michael Doura Podcasts, then follow me Cheeky's that's Chiqui s.
For more podcasts from iHeart, visit the iHeart Radio, Apple
Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite podcast
Host
Chiquis
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