March 25, 2024 • 20 mins
Hi, everyone! I’m opening up about something really personal today. Many of you know my dad has been in prison for a long time for sexually abusing me as a kid. And as I work through my healing, I’ve decided that visiting him will complete that journey. So, tune in to hear more about my decision and why I’ve decided to see him face-to-face for the first time in decades.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:10):
What's Cracking. Guys, Welcome back to the Cheese and Chill Podcast.
I hope that you guys are having an amazing day,
an amazing week. I had a great weekend. Actually, I'm
very happy. I feel very good. I haven't felt this
good in a while. A lot has happened in the
past couple of months, but I feel good, So I'm happy.
I am a little nervous about this episode though. This
(00:32):
is something I've been wanting to talk about for a
while and I wanted to share with you guys. So
here we go. Okay, So I'm going to talk about
my dad, my biological father, in this episode. I wanted
to share it because I truly believe that this can
heal many people. I truly believe in the power of forgiveness.
(00:54):
I have a whole freaking book on it, and it's
something that I stand by, and I have decided that
I want to go visit my dad in jail. Let
me give you guys a bit of a backstory. If
you guys are new to the podcast, if you guys
haven't read my books, you don't know too much about
my personal life. But the reason my dad's in prison,
(01:15):
it's not even jealous in prison because he got thirty
one years no chance of parole, and the reason he's
in jail or in prison is because he sexually molested
me when I was eight years old. It was from that,
I remember, from eight to twelve, and he was on
the run for ten years, and in two thousand and
seven they caught him, actually in two thousand and six.
(01:38):
Then we went to court. We were on trial for
a whole year, and he was sentenced. I believe he
was found out of nine counts. I believe from I
think eight out of nine counts or nine out of nine.
I don't remember exactly, but I just remember that entire
year of having to go to court and talk about
(02:00):
everything that happened in front of my mom, in front
of my uncles, in front of my grandparents, in front
of my then fiance because I was also engaged a
long time ago. But anyways, it was a lot, you guys,
It was very traumatizing. And I hadn't seen my dad
in ten years because he, you know, was on the
run since I was twelve years old, So having to
relive all of that was very hard. And then also
(02:22):
I didn't want to testify. I didn't want to testify
because I have another sister, his daughter, and she's I
want to say, around twenty five or something like that.
She's my sister. Jenica's age I believe, or younger I
don't remember. But regardless, he has a daughter, he had
a wife, and I just felt like, oh my god,
like he's okay, like he I don't want to disrupt
(02:43):
his life. But then my mom made me understand that
it's something I had to do, that justice had to
be served, you guys, and that's like something it's out
of my hands, you know. And she said, through you
telling your story, you're going to be able to help others.
So then my perspective completely changed. I was like, Okay,
I'm going to go on there because it was hard.
(03:03):
I was on especially cross examination you guys is fucking
horrible because you're telling your lawyer, oh, this happened. This happened.
But then comes his lawyer and they try to trick you,
and it was just so traumatizing. So when I was
on the stand, I had to like just get off.
And that's when I told my mom was like, outside
of court, I was like, I don't want to do this.
I'm not doing this I'm done, Like, we're fine, it's
(03:25):
been ten years, Like he's fine, We're fine. She's like, no,
there's a reason why he got caught. So she made
me understand. My mom was very supportive through the whole thing.
Was I was a little embarrassed because back then I
was like behind the scenes, I was behind the camera,
and so I was just like, how how am I
going to talk about all this because it was a very,
very very public trial. So I was just embarrassed. It
(03:47):
was so many different things. But regardless, I don't regret
going through it because now I can talk about things
like this. So anyways, that's just a little bit of
the backstory, a whole lot of the backstory. But that's
what happened. And now I feel ready to go visit him.
And I submitted my application and he I've talked to
him a couple times on the phone. My sister Jackie
(04:07):
has a little bit more communication with him. And I
know a lot of people have opinions about this topic,
and I know that a lot of people have attacked
my sister Jackie, and it hurts my feelings because that's
my sister. I love her, and she has all the
right to have a relationship with her dad. I don't
think it ever happened to her. I did my best
to protect my sister Jackie from it happening to her.
She doesn't remember anything, because for a long time I
(04:29):
was like, why does she talk to him? Why does
she want to have a relationship with him? He did
this to me again. I wasn't healed. Now I'm healed. Now,
I feel better. Thank goodness for therapy and for my faith,
you know. But now I'm like, who am I to
take away my sister or keep that from her, or
take that from her, her having a relationship, If that's her,
(04:50):
that's her prerogative. That's what she wants to do, and
I'm okay with it now, you know. So I just
feel like everyone should kind of just in that aspect,
kind of just mind their own business and leave her alone.
There's no thing wrong with her talking to my dad.
And I know a lot of people are gonna attack me.
Why are you going to go visit your dad? Your
mom wouldn't be okay with it. I'm going to tell
you guys right now, I know my mother. I know
my mother. I lived with her twenty six years of
(05:11):
my life, and I know my mom had a very
forgiving heart, and even though my stepdad, Juan Lopez Johnny
and Jenica's dad hurt her when he was still alive,
my mom was at his bedside when he was passing,
and then when he passed. My mom is a very
forgiving woman. I know my mom would have said, Okay,
(05:34):
if that's what you want to do, she would respect me,
and she would probably even go with me. You guys,
I really really feel it, But not only that. I
am my own person. This happened to me, and if
I'm okay with forgiving this person, why can't you guys
be okay with it. I'm not saying everyone, because there
are people that have said I can't believe she forgave
(05:56):
him and this and that. I've seen a lot of
little things here and there, but I don't care. I
feel that this is part of my healing, of closing
that circle, of closing that chapter of my life completely,
and I'm ready. When he reached out after my mom passed,
(06:21):
I was upset again. I was in a very bad place.
I was going through a lot then and I was
very upset when he reached out, and I was like, well,
why now? Now that my mom's not here, he wants
to talk to us. Now, he wants to have a relationship.
I was very defensive. But then when my sister spoke
to him and she related the message to me, you know,
because I was very vocal about me being upset, she said, no,
(06:42):
I get it, sister, But he just says he felt
very bad, like these kids are alone in this world.
I'm in jail, their mom passed away, like he felt
like he needed to reach out. So then I was like, okay,
I was a little bit better about the situation. I
still wasn't completely open, like I am now to go
visit him. I know, and I hear from my sister
that he's a reborn Christian, that he's like I think
(07:06):
a pastor or does like Bible studies in there, and
he's just he's a barber. He's really it's done a
lot while being in prison. And I want to think
that he's going to ask me for forgiveness because he never
has and he's never really admitted to doing it. From
what I hear, again, I haven't talked to him. The
times that I have talked to him on the phone,
(07:28):
it was when I was getting married he just said, hey,
I just want to say, can I pray for you
before you know you walk to the altar? And I
said yeah and I let him, and then another time
just to say hello. So I've never said, hey, dad,
now do you know ask me for forgiveness or I
want to hear you. I feel like that's a conversation
that needs to be had in person, which is why
(07:48):
I'm going to take the step. So thank goodness for
my partner, Emilio. He also is going to go with me.
And the last time I was at of prison was
freaking years ago. You guys, I want to say, like
eight years ago. I haven't been to a prison in years.
And the only reason I went the first time to
go visit someone was because I was a witness at
a wedding in prison. One of my friends, a boss
(08:12):
B actually was getting married to someone and she wanted
me to be her witness, so I went and I
was there supporting her, and I don't know, I don't
know what I'm gonna feel. I was accepted. Emilia and
I both were accepted to go and visit him. I
know he's more open about it. And the crazy thing
is is I feel bad because his mom just passed.
Both his parents have passed while he's been in there,
(08:34):
and I don't know, I want to think that he's
learned a lot. From what I hear, he has learned
a lot. Again, Like his faith is like at the
best it's ever been, at the highest, And I'm not
gonna lie. I have thought about putting in a petition
to help him come out sooner, because he has a daughter,
(08:59):
he has a wife. From what I hear, his wife
has been by his side, and I think that's fucking admirable.
I don't know, I just I feel bad, you know,
But I know that that I can't necessarily do that
yet I still have to take this step in and
seeing him in person and see if he really does
(09:20):
admit to what he did and and apologizes. You know,
that's all I really need. I don't need to get
into details. I don't know, I mean, And if this
visit doesn't go that way, I think that I would
I just would close that door and not worry about
(09:42):
it anymore, you know what I mean, Like I'd just
be like, well, if sister, if you still want to
have a relationship with him, I'm okay with it. But
if he doesn't tell me what I need to hear,
then there's no reason to continue or to go visit
him again, you know. And I don't know if I'm
wrong for that, but that's just I'm not gonna wait
my time or waste his, you know. I want to
(10:03):
think that maybe he's ready now more than ever that
his parents are in heaven, because maybe it's something he
didn't want to admit to out loud because he doesn't
want to hurt his family. Obviously, his family thinks that
it didn't happen. They think that my mom put this
in my head, that my mom made me say it,
(10:23):
and that's absolutely false. I remember everything that happened. Unfortunately,
I remember details, so no one put this in my head,
especially not my mom. If anything, I I'm so grateful
that she believed me. She never questioned me. But I
respect his decisions and I don't I feel worried. I
(10:45):
feel worried for him because I know when this whole
thing happened, you know, especially in the beginning, like in jail,
people do things, they freaking beat them up, child abusers,
you know. So I know that he went through that,
and it hurts me, like it's not I don't want
(11:05):
to cause him any more pain, you know what I mean, Like,
I really don't like and that's why I'm kind of scared.
I was afraid to talk about this because I'm like, shit,
I don't want to like open this can of worms
for him, like if he's already finding his peace in there,
you know, because I forgave him, you know, and I
just want people to also forgive him. And just it's
no one else's like business. I guess it's it's your
(11:29):
business because I'm telling you guys, but I'm just saying,
like no one should say what I should and shouldn't do.
And you guys or the people that are kind of like,
oh my god, like if that or Cheeky's is wrong,
Like I guess, yes, you're entitled to your own opinion, yes,
but at the end of the day, it's like I
just don't want to hurt him or his family any
(11:50):
more than they've already gone through, you know, because we
all suffered. My family. His family he has suffered so
much because you know, he lost both his parents while
being in there. I mean, I can't even imagine, you know,
like not being able to give him a hug and
I guess I can because I wasn't able to give
my mama hug for like two months, so I guess
I get it. So it just maybe that's why it
hurts me so much. But I just wanted to share
(12:11):
this because I think it's so important, you guys. The
power of forgiveness is so important and liberating for ourselves.
It's a gift that we give ourselves not to hold
onto things like that, hold on to any resentment, and
it helps us. It helps us fly and conquer and
accomplish what we're meant to accomplish when we're able to
(12:33):
just let go of the baggage. And I tell you
guys this all the time, and I just felt that
I wanted to express this and for you guys to
help me pray because I don't know when I'm going
to go visit him, but when it happens, now that
I'm accepted, I just want you guys to send me
good wishes and your prayers that everything goes well and
may God's will be done when it comes to that.
(12:55):
I saw a picture of him the other day and
my sister took a screenshot because now in jail, you
have like a way of face timing and the whole thing.
It's crazy. He even has like a phone number. It's
like the craziest thing. I haven't used it yet, but
my sister sent me a screenshop when they were on
a phone call. And it's crazy how much I look
like him. It's freaking weird, especially because in my mind
(13:16):
for so long, I was like, I don't have a dad.
I don't have a dad, I don't have parents, Like
my mom's not here, I don't have a dad. Like,
but on my way a second, I'm gonna be faced with,
oh shit, I do have a dad. He is alive.
He's here. Like it's the craziest thing. Like we all
my siblings and I kind of had all of that,
had that in common where it's like, okay, we don't
have parents physically and that's kind of like, it's just
(13:39):
this weird thing. I don't know. And then to see
his gray hair and his gray beard, it's just it's
so crazy because I remember him with black, black, dark
hair and he was young and hip and he's aged
and it's just I don't know. It's the craziest fucking
feeling ever. I don't know. It makes me emotional because
I'm just like, I don't know what the hell is
gonna happen. I don't know what I'm feel but I
(13:59):
know it's something I have the face, and I'm all
about facing your fears. So this is something that kind
of makes me nervous. It's nerve wracking, but I know
it's going to be really good for me, for me
to move forward, to become a parent, to get married,
to just really just really close that chapter of my life.
(14:25):
I don't know what's going to happen after that visit.
I have really no idea. I'm really stepping into the unknown.
I'm taking a leap of faith here and now that
I'm thinking about having kids, I mean, if all goes
well in that conversation, maybe maybe I'll be okay. I
don't even know. I honestly don't even know. Like I'm
(14:46):
like I was about to say, if I do have kids,
would I be okay with my daughter or my son
meeting him? I don't know. Damn, that's a good question.
I mean, I guess it all just appet It all
just depends how I feel. I'm very I'm very intuitive.
I feel people's vibes and I just I all would
(15:08):
have to see. I know that my niece, Jayla, the
oldest one, wants to meet him, and Jackie asked me,
how do you feel about that? And I said, I'm
totally fine with that if you're okay with it. So
I think she's gonna meet him soon. But yeah, I mean,
I guess it's something. I guess we'll have to cross
that bridge when we get there. You know. As far
(15:29):
as my kid's meeting him, I don't know. He's in
his late fifties now and he's been in there for
seventeen years, and if I'm calculating correctly, he won't be
out until twenty thirty eight. It's a fucking long time.
And I don't know if I'm crazy, but I just
(15:50):
feel like, Okay, if he already like repented, maybe you know,
like he can get out. And I don't know, like
I just feel I feel like our justice system sometimes
is like kind of twisted, and I feel like they
gave him more time because it was such a public trial.
I mean, who am I to say, right, But I've
(16:12):
seen and I watch a lot of forensic files, you guys,
and I watch a lot of stuff people that have
murdered people get seven years and this and that or
and I'm just like I get it, like I don't know.
I mean, I don't know. I know it sounds weird
because it happened to me, and yes, it was very
traumatizing and affected me in many many ways. I don't
know if it's because I'm healed or what it is,
but I just feel like it's a little unfair. I
(16:33):
feel bad, and I don't know what that means. And
I know people are probably gonna think I'm freaking crazy,
or maybe it's the heart that my mom gave me.
I don't know. I don't know, but I've always said this,
like he wasn't a bad dad. As weird as that
fucking sounds, he wasn't like he actually like when we
(16:53):
would get in trouble, he sit us down and talk
to us like he wasn't one to like kick our butt.
You know. It was just when night came, he was
a different person. Not saying and I'm not condoning it
or excusing what he did, because it's not it's absolutely
one hundred percent not right. But it's the weirdest thing
because he was a good dad. It's it's so fucking
twisted it's I don't know. You know. For for a
(17:16):
long time, I was fine with not seeing him. I
was I was okay with it. I was like kind
of like, Okay, we don't have our mom, Johnny and
Janaa don't have their dad, you know. I was kind
of like, this is what it is, this is our life.
But then as my sister, I would ask her, Hey,
have you talked a dad? Have you gone to visit him?
She's like yeah, and she would tell me stories and
(17:36):
the things that they talk about, and she's like, he's
so gentle, like the way he like, he's different, Like
I don't know. She's like, I don't remember the way
he was before, but from what I hear and what
I've heard about him, he's different. And it just kind
of intrigued me, and it made me a little curious
as to like, okay, well, ask him. I told her
(17:57):
to ask him if he'd be okay with me, just
to see what he said. And he said yes, that
he would be very nervous to see me, but that yes,
if I'm open to it, then he would be as well.
So that's kind of how it happened. And then I
just sat on it for a while, and I was
kind of like on the fence about it, and then
(18:19):
little by little reading books and reading stories about other
people that have gone through what I've gone through through
sexual abuse and how they when they confronted their abuser,
how liberating it was, and how healing it was. So
here I am feeling I'm healed. But I'm like, Okay,
imagine if I face this and I stop ignoring it,
(18:43):
what it can do in my life, especially if I
want to have kids, you know, and I want to
become a mother, Like I I want to be able
to tell my child, hey, I did this. It's like
something that's brewing within me. That's just like I have
to just let it out sort of thing, you know.
I have to go visit him. I have to go
visit him and see where he's at mentally, and we'll
(19:05):
go from there. But I did feel the need to
share this with you guys and express these things, because again,
this is my podcast, is where I feel safe, and
I love having these one on one conversations just me
the micing you guys. You know. But yeah, I know,
I know it's gonna be a little weird for people,
but I do feel ninety five percent healed from this,
(19:29):
and this five percent that's missing is just having this
conversation with him and seeing where he is, where his
headspace is, where his heart is, and we'll see. All right. Well,
this was a heavy one, but like always, I thank
you guys for listening, for tuning in to Cheese and Chill.
I am very grateful to have this space. I'm grateful
(19:52):
for you guys, each and every single one of you. Guys,
Tell your friends about the podcast. Okay, spread the word,
spread the love, spread the wisdom. I love you guys
so much, and I will catch you here on the
next episode of Cheeky's and Chill or Dear Cheeky's all Right, Okay, bessos.
(20:12):
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or wherever you get your favorite shows.
What's Cracking. Guys, Welcome back to the Cheese and Chill Podcast.
I hope that you guys are having an amazing day,
an amazing week. I had a great weekend. Actually, I'm
very happy. I feel very good. I haven't felt this
good in a while. A lot has happened in the
past couple of months, but I feel good, So I'm happy.
I am a little nervous about this episode though. This
(00:32):
is something I've been wanting to talk about for a
while and I wanted to share with you guys. So
here we go. Okay, So I'm going to talk about
my dad, my biological father, in this episode. I wanted
to share it because I truly believe that this can
heal many people. I truly believe in the power of forgiveness.
(00:54):
I have a whole freaking book on it, and it's
something that I stand by, and I have decided that
I want to go visit my dad in jail. Let
me give you guys a bit of a backstory. If
you guys are new to the podcast, if you guys
haven't read my books, you don't know too much about
my personal life. But the reason my dad's in prison,
(01:15):
it's not even jealous in prison because he got thirty
one years no chance of parole, and the reason he's
in jail or in prison is because he sexually molested
me when I was eight years old. It was from that,
I remember, from eight to twelve, and he was on
the run for ten years, and in two thousand and
seven they caught him, actually in two thousand and six.
(01:38):
Then we went to court. We were on trial for
a whole year, and he was sentenced. I believe he
was found out of nine counts. I believe from I
think eight out of nine counts or nine out of nine.
I don't remember exactly, but I just remember that entire
year of having to go to court and talk about
(02:00):
everything that happened in front of my mom, in front
of my uncles, in front of my grandparents, in front
of my then fiance because I was also engaged a
long time ago. But anyways, it was a lot, you guys,
It was very traumatizing. And I hadn't seen my dad
in ten years because he, you know, was on the
run since I was twelve years old, So having to
relive all of that was very hard. And then also
(02:22):
I didn't want to testify. I didn't want to testify
because I have another sister, his daughter, and she's I
want to say, around twenty five or something like that.
She's my sister. Jenica's age I believe, or younger I
don't remember. But regardless, he has a daughter, he had
a wife, and I just felt like, oh my god,
like he's okay, like he I don't want to disrupt
(02:43):
his life. But then my mom made me understand that
it's something I had to do, that justice had to
be served, you guys, and that's like something it's out
of my hands, you know. And she said, through you
telling your story, you're going to be able to help others.
So then my perspective completely changed. I was like, Okay,
I'm going to go on there because it was hard.
(03:03):
I was on especially cross examination you guys is fucking
horrible because you're telling your lawyer, oh, this happened. This happened.
But then comes his lawyer and they try to trick you,
and it was just so traumatizing. So when I was
on the stand, I had to like just get off.
And that's when I told my mom was like, outside
of court, I was like, I don't want to do this.
I'm not doing this I'm done, Like, we're fine, it's
(03:25):
been ten years, Like he's fine, We're fine. She's like, no,
there's a reason why he got caught. So she made
me understand. My mom was very supportive through the whole thing.
Was I was a little embarrassed because back then I
was like behind the scenes, I was behind the camera,
and so I was just like, how how am I
going to talk about all this because it was a very,
very very public trial. So I was just embarrassed. It
(03:47):
was so many different things. But regardless, I don't regret
going through it because now I can talk about things
like this. So anyways, that's just a little bit of
the backstory, a whole lot of the backstory. But that's
what happened. And now I feel ready to go visit him.
And I submitted my application and he I've talked to
him a couple times on the phone. My sister Jackie
(04:07):
has a little bit more communication with him. And I
know a lot of people have opinions about this topic,
and I know that a lot of people have attacked
my sister Jackie, and it hurts my feelings because that's
my sister. I love her, and she has all the
right to have a relationship with her dad. I don't
think it ever happened to her. I did my best
to protect my sister Jackie from it happening to her.
She doesn't remember anything, because for a long time I
(04:29):
was like, why does she talk to him? Why does
she want to have a relationship with him? He did
this to me again. I wasn't healed. Now I'm healed. Now,
I feel better. Thank goodness for therapy and for my faith,
you know. But now I'm like, who am I to
take away my sister or keep that from her, or
take that from her, her having a relationship, If that's her,
(04:50):
that's her prerogative. That's what she wants to do, and
I'm okay with it now, you know. So I just
feel like everyone should kind of just in that aspect,
kind of just mind their own business and leave her alone.
There's no thing wrong with her talking to my dad.
And I know a lot of people are gonna attack me.
Why are you going to go visit your dad? Your
mom wouldn't be okay with it. I'm going to tell
you guys right now, I know my mother. I know
my mother. I lived with her twenty six years of
(05:11):
my life, and I know my mom had a very
forgiving heart, and even though my stepdad, Juan Lopez Johnny
and Jenica's dad hurt her when he was still alive,
my mom was at his bedside when he was passing,
and then when he passed. My mom is a very
forgiving woman. I know my mom would have said, Okay,
(05:34):
if that's what you want to do, she would respect me,
and she would probably even go with me. You guys,
I really really feel it, But not only that. I
am my own person. This happened to me, and if
I'm okay with forgiving this person, why can't you guys
be okay with it. I'm not saying everyone, because there
are people that have said I can't believe she forgave
(05:56):
him and this and that. I've seen a lot of
little things here and there, but I don't care. I
feel that this is part of my healing, of closing
that circle, of closing that chapter of my life completely,
and I'm ready. When he reached out after my mom passed,
(06:21):
I was upset again. I was in a very bad place.
I was going through a lot then and I was
very upset when he reached out, and I was like, well,
why now? Now that my mom's not here, he wants
to talk to us. Now, he wants to have a relationship.
I was very defensive. But then when my sister spoke
to him and she related the message to me, you know,
because I was very vocal about me being upset, she said, no,
(06:42):
I get it, sister, But he just says he felt
very bad, like these kids are alone in this world.
I'm in jail, their mom passed away, like he felt
like he needed to reach out. So then I was like, okay,
I was a little bit better about the situation. I
still wasn't completely open, like I am now to go
visit him. I know, and I hear from my sister
that he's a reborn Christian, that he's like I think
(07:06):
a pastor or does like Bible studies in there, and
he's just he's a barber. He's really it's done a
lot while being in prison. And I want to think
that he's going to ask me for forgiveness because he never
has and he's never really admitted to doing it. From
what I hear, again, I haven't talked to him. The
times that I have talked to him on the phone,
(07:28):
it was when I was getting married he just said, hey,
I just want to say, can I pray for you
before you know you walk to the altar? And I
said yeah and I let him, and then another time
just to say hello. So I've never said, hey, dad,
now do you know ask me for forgiveness or I
want to hear you. I feel like that's a conversation
that needs to be had in person, which is why
(07:48):
I'm going to take the step. So thank goodness for
my partner, Emilio. He also is going to go with me.
And the last time I was at of prison was
freaking years ago. You guys, I want to say, like
eight years ago. I haven't been to a prison in years.
And the only reason I went the first time to
go visit someone was because I was a witness at
a wedding in prison. One of my friends, a boss
(08:12):
B actually was getting married to someone and she wanted
me to be her witness, so I went and I
was there supporting her, and I don't know, I don't
know what I'm gonna feel. I was accepted. Emilia and
I both were accepted to go and visit him. I
know he's more open about it. And the crazy thing
is is I feel bad because his mom just passed.
Both his parents have passed while he's been in there,
(08:34):
and I don't know, I want to think that he's
learned a lot. From what I hear, he has learned
a lot. Again, Like his faith is like at the
best it's ever been, at the highest, And I'm not
gonna lie. I have thought about putting in a petition
to help him come out sooner, because he has a daughter,
(08:59):
he has a wife. From what I hear, his wife
has been by his side, and I think that's fucking admirable.
I don't know, I just I feel bad, you know,
But I know that that I can't necessarily do that
yet I still have to take this step in and
seeing him in person and see if he really does
(09:20):
admit to what he did and and apologizes. You know,
that's all I really need. I don't need to get
into details. I don't know, I mean, And if this
visit doesn't go that way, I think that I would
I just would close that door and not worry about
(09:42):
it anymore, you know what I mean, Like I'd just
be like, well, if sister, if you still want to
have a relationship with him, I'm okay with it. But
if he doesn't tell me what I need to hear,
then there's no reason to continue or to go visit
him again, you know. And I don't know if I'm
wrong for that, but that's just I'm not gonna wait
my time or waste his, you know. I want to
(10:03):
think that maybe he's ready now more than ever that
his parents are in heaven, because maybe it's something he
didn't want to admit to out loud because he doesn't
want to hurt his family. Obviously, his family thinks that
it didn't happen. They think that my mom put this
in my head, that my mom made me say it,
(10:23):
and that's absolutely false. I remember everything that happened. Unfortunately,
I remember details, so no one put this in my head,
especially not my mom. If anything, I I'm so grateful
that she believed me. She never questioned me. But I
respect his decisions and I don't I feel worried. I
(10:45):
feel worried for him because I know when this whole
thing happened, you know, especially in the beginning, like in jail,
people do things, they freaking beat them up, child abusers,
you know. So I know that he went through that,
and it hurts me, like it's not I don't want
(11:05):
to cause him any more pain, you know what I mean, Like,
I really don't like and that's why I'm kind of scared.
I was afraid to talk about this because I'm like, shit,
I don't want to like open this can of worms
for him, like if he's already finding his peace in there,
you know, because I forgave him, you know, and I
just want people to also forgive him. And just it's
no one else's like business. I guess it's it's your
(11:29):
business because I'm telling you guys, but I'm just saying,
like no one should say what I should and shouldn't do.
And you guys or the people that are kind of like,
oh my god, like if that or Cheeky's is wrong,
Like I guess, yes, you're entitled to your own opinion, yes,
but at the end of the day, it's like I
just don't want to hurt him or his family any
(11:50):
more than they've already gone through, you know, because we
all suffered. My family. His family he has suffered so
much because you know, he lost both his parents while
being in there. I mean, I can't even imagine, you know,
like not being able to give him a hug and
I guess I can because I wasn't able to give
my mama hug for like two months, so I guess
I get it. So it just maybe that's why it
hurts me so much. But I just wanted to share
(12:11):
this because I think it's so important, you guys. The
power of forgiveness is so important and liberating for ourselves.
It's a gift that we give ourselves not to hold
onto things like that, hold on to any resentment, and
it helps us. It helps us fly and conquer and
accomplish what we're meant to accomplish when we're able to
(12:33):
just let go of the baggage. And I tell you
guys this all the time, and I just felt that
I wanted to express this and for you guys to
help me pray because I don't know when I'm going
to go visit him, but when it happens, now that
I'm accepted, I just want you guys to send me
good wishes and your prayers that everything goes well and
may God's will be done when it comes to that.
(12:55):
I saw a picture of him the other day and
my sister took a screenshot because now in jail, you
have like a way of face timing and the whole thing.
It's crazy. He even has like a phone number. It's
like the craziest thing. I haven't used it yet, but
my sister sent me a screenshop when they were on
a phone call. And it's crazy how much I look
like him. It's freaking weird, especially because in my mind
(13:16):
for so long, I was like, I don't have a dad.
I don't have a dad, I don't have parents, Like
my mom's not here, I don't have a dad. Like,
but on my way a second, I'm gonna be faced with,
oh shit, I do have a dad. He is alive.
He's here. Like it's the craziest thing. Like we all
my siblings and I kind of had all of that,
had that in common where it's like, okay, we don't
have parents physically and that's kind of like, it's just
(13:39):
this weird thing. I don't know. And then to see
his gray hair and his gray beard, it's just it's
so crazy because I remember him with black, black, dark
hair and he was young and hip and he's aged
and it's just I don't know. It's the craziest fucking
feeling ever. I don't know. It makes me emotional because
I'm just like, I don't know what the hell is
gonna happen. I don't know what I'm feel but I
(13:59):
know it's something I have the face, and I'm all
about facing your fears. So this is something that kind
of makes me nervous. It's nerve wracking, but I know
it's going to be really good for me, for me
to move forward, to become a parent, to get married,
to just really just really close that chapter of my life.
(14:25):
I don't know what's going to happen after that visit.
I have really no idea. I'm really stepping into the unknown.
I'm taking a leap of faith here and now that
I'm thinking about having kids, I mean, if all goes
well in that conversation, maybe maybe I'll be okay. I
don't even know. I honestly don't even know. Like I'm
(14:46):
like I was about to say, if I do have kids,
would I be okay with my daughter or my son
meeting him? I don't know. Damn, that's a good question.
I mean, I guess it all just appet It all
just depends how I feel. I'm very I'm very intuitive.
I feel people's vibes and I just I all would
(15:08):
have to see. I know that my niece, Jayla, the
oldest one, wants to meet him, and Jackie asked me,
how do you feel about that? And I said, I'm
totally fine with that if you're okay with it. So
I think she's gonna meet him soon. But yeah, I mean,
I guess it's something. I guess we'll have to cross
that bridge when we get there. You know. As far
(15:29):
as my kid's meeting him, I don't know. He's in
his late fifties now and he's been in there for
seventeen years, and if I'm calculating correctly, he won't be
out until twenty thirty eight. It's a fucking long time.
And I don't know if I'm crazy, but I just
(15:50):
feel like, Okay, if he already like repented, maybe you know,
like he can get out. And I don't know, like
I just feel I feel like our justice system sometimes
is like kind of twisted, and I feel like they
gave him more time because it was such a public trial.
I mean, who am I to say, right, But I've
(16:12):
seen and I watch a lot of forensic files, you guys,
and I watch a lot of stuff people that have
murdered people get seven years and this and that or
and I'm just like I get it, like I don't know.
I mean, I don't know. I know it sounds weird
because it happened to me, and yes, it was very
traumatizing and affected me in many many ways. I don't
know if it's because I'm healed or what it is,
but I just feel like it's a little unfair. I
(16:33):
feel bad, and I don't know what that means. And
I know people are probably gonna think I'm freaking crazy,
or maybe it's the heart that my mom gave me.
I don't know. I don't know, but I've always said this,
like he wasn't a bad dad. As weird as that
fucking sounds, he wasn't like he actually like when we
(16:53):
would get in trouble, he sit us down and talk
to us like he wasn't one to like kick our butt.
You know. It was just when night came, he was
a different person. Not saying and I'm not condoning it
or excusing what he did, because it's not it's absolutely
one hundred percent not right. But it's the weirdest thing
because he was a good dad. It's it's so fucking
twisted it's I don't know. You know. For for a
(17:16):
long time, I was fine with not seeing him. I
was I was okay with it. I was like kind
of like, Okay, we don't have our mom, Johnny and
Janaa don't have their dad, you know. I was kind
of like, this is what it is, this is our life.
But then as my sister, I would ask her, Hey,
have you talked a dad? Have you gone to visit him?
She's like yeah, and she would tell me stories and
(17:36):
the things that they talk about, and she's like, he's
so gentle, like the way he like, he's different, Like
I don't know. She's like, I don't remember the way
he was before, but from what I hear and what
I've heard about him, he's different. And it just kind
of intrigued me, and it made me a little curious
as to like, okay, well, ask him. I told her
(17:57):
to ask him if he'd be okay with me, just
to see what he said. And he said yes, that
he would be very nervous to see me, but that yes,
if I'm open to it, then he would be as well.
So that's kind of how it happened. And then I
just sat on it for a while, and I was
kind of like on the fence about it, and then
(18:19):
little by little reading books and reading stories about other
people that have gone through what I've gone through through
sexual abuse and how they when they confronted their abuser,
how liberating it was, and how healing it was. So
here I am feeling I'm healed. But I'm like, Okay,
imagine if I face this and I stop ignoring it,
(18:43):
what it can do in my life, especially if I
want to have kids, you know, and I want to
become a mother, Like I I want to be able
to tell my child, hey, I did this. It's like
something that's brewing within me. That's just like I have
to just let it out sort of thing, you know.
I have to go visit him. I have to go
visit him and see where he's at mentally, and we'll
(19:05):
go from there. But I did feel the need to
share this with you guys and express these things, because again,
this is my podcast, is where I feel safe, and
I love having these one on one conversations just me
the micing you guys. You know. But yeah, I know,
I know it's gonna be a little weird for people,
but I do feel ninety five percent healed from this,
(19:29):
and this five percent that's missing is just having this
conversation with him and seeing where he is, where his
headspace is, where his heart is, and we'll see. All right. Well,
this was a heavy one, but like always, I thank
you guys for listening, for tuning in to Cheese and Chill.
I am very grateful to have this space. I'm grateful
(19:52):
for you guys, each and every single one of you. Guys,
Tell your friends about the podcast. Okay, spread the word,
spread the love, spread the wisdom. I love you guys
so much, and I will catch you here on the
next episode of Cheeky's and Chill or Dear Cheeky's all Right, Okay, bessos.
(20:12):
This is a production of iHeartRadio and Mike Pura podcast Network.
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Host
Chiquis
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