April 12, 2024 • 41 mins
This week, Rachel Zoe is joined by Sex Therapist, Author & Podcast Host Emily Morse. You may recognize her voice from her popular podcast Sex With Emily or from her incredible books Hot Sex and Smart Sex.
Together, Rachel and Emily talk about destigmatizing the way we talk about sex, Emily's unconventional career path, stepping out of our comfort zones, and how to talk to your kids about sex.
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:07):
Hi everyone, I'm Rachel Zoe and you're listening to Climbing
in Heels for your weekly dose of glamour, inspiration and
of course fun. Today's episode is definitely one that's a
little outside of my comfort zone and probably most pupils.
But I'm so excited to have the amazing Emily Moore's
on the pod. You might know Emily from her incredibly
(00:29):
successful podcast Sex with Emily, or from one of her
best selling books, Hot Sex, over two Hundred Things you
Can Try Tonight or Smart Sex. Emily is truly one
of the pioneers in the podcast space, I think twenty
years now, and her story is truly fascinating. So let's
get right into it. I'm very excited to have you on.
(00:52):
It's funny because I would say, don't ask Roger, but
I would say, I'm known to be a little bit
like I'm I'm definitely like a modest person in this
sense of It's weird because on the one hand, I'm
obviously not because I'm like loud and over the top
and constantly making fun of myself whatever. But I wanted
(01:14):
to have you on because I think what you've done
is I think you've really helped to normalize, to revolutionize,
to make talking about sex your sex life and everything
else like basically like talking about what you ate for
dinner exactly. And so I'm very curious. I want to
(01:35):
go back to the beginning for a second, because you know,
I don't think you woke up as a little girl
and said I'm going to be a sex therapist. So
tell me a little like. I love to know because
Climbing and Heels is so much about really talking about
the journey of all the amazing women that I speak to.
(01:56):
And I think the journey is the hardest part, the
most challenging, and also the most exciting, and it is
obviously what gets you to where you are now. So
I want to talk about that. So tell me a
little bit, like give me you give me Emily, okay,
tell me.
Speaker 2 (02:09):
I'll tell you Okay.
Speaker 3 (02:11):
So no, I did not come out of the womb
talking about sex knowing anything, just checking.
Speaker 1 (02:17):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (02:17):
No, this was later, much later. Let's look my third career.
Speaker 3 (02:20):
So I it's really I was just looking so a
group of Michigan in a suburb of Detroit, and I yeah,
and then as you know, I grew up in Michigan.
Then I went to University of Michigan, and in college
I was always like it always it was really hard
for me to pick a major, and they were like,
you have to pick a major like sophomore year, and
I'm like, how do I know?
Speaker 2 (02:40):
Like, I love that you always knew what you wanted
to do.
Speaker 1 (02:43):
I know, like, no, I was a psyche major. I
was a psych major was psych.
Speaker 2 (02:47):
And so okay, yeah, okay, so you did. You weren't
always into fashion when you were a little.
Speaker 1 (02:51):
I was, but at the time there was there was
no world that I thought it could be a career
and that I could ever make a dollar doing it.
I associated working with being miserable, like I associated work
with being like serious and at a desk and like,
what is your career path? That's one of these ton things.
I did know that I didn't want to be corporate
(03:14):
and sit at a desk in under fluorescent light all
day and not be in the world that I knew.
But fashion, as much as I was obsessed with it,
it was my passion, but I had no idea it
could be a career. So that happened. By the accident.
Speaker 2 (03:27):
Invented a path and then a path to get to
live your passion. Well I was.
Speaker 3 (03:32):
I was always working, so my parents grew up like
I had a very strong work ethic. I had a
you know, I said, my first job at thirteen, wow,
you know, working in clothing stores in Michigan and doing
little things like.
Speaker 1 (03:41):
That by choice because you had to define because there's
a dep you had to.
Speaker 3 (03:46):
Okay, I wanted to like buy a car in a
prom dress, so that's basically it.
Speaker 1 (03:50):
So you were in a spoiled brat. That's great. I
was not.
Speaker 3 (03:53):
No, No, I wasn't. But you know, we had a
good note. I was always told like that was a
priority to work. And I went to college and I
always worked really hard, but I was really looking for
that things with like you have to pick your major
when you're a sophomore.
Speaker 2 (04:03):
I was like, how do I know I.
Speaker 3 (04:04):
Haven't done that much yet if I pick psychology because
I'm always interested in that. My family was a big
advocate of therapy from a young age for everybody. So
then I was my senior year, I was taking this
POLLISCI class and it was all about women in politics,
which there were none. There was two women in the
Senate and it just a few in Congress, and I
(04:25):
started getting very passionate about women being elected to higher office.
And so my senior year I was reading it with
a year of the Woman in California. And I graduated
and I got in my car and I drove to
San Francisco and my first campaign was I worked for
Barbara Boxer on her first Senate campaign. So for ten
years I worked in electoral politics in San Francisco, working
(04:46):
for different candidates. I know you and know I, right,
So I was very like in a suit every day
going to city hall working on campaigns, very very different
than where I am now.
Speaker 2 (04:57):
But the one is that great, I know, right, who knew?
Speaker 1 (05:00):
Well, it's amazing, actually amazing, Okay, So yeah, so that
was it.
Speaker 2 (05:05):
I was it, and I loved I did love working.
Speaker 3 (05:07):
I loved mobilizing voters and getting people to you know,
educating them and working with the candidates.
Speaker 2 (05:13):
But it was crazy.
Speaker 3 (05:14):
It was like twenty four to seven and then I
worked for Willie Brown who was being elected to the
mayor of San Francisco. He was the first black mayor
in San Francisco. And I was young, I was like
in my twenties, but I really became, you know, part
of the top of the campaign and started, you know,
just getting people out to vote, organizing as inaugural like
I did have fundraising, And while I loved all that
(05:35):
and it was insane, it still felt like it wasn't
my passion. So my biggest thing when I graduated was like,
what do I love to do? Because how I was
raised was my mom always said to me, you know,
my parents got divorced and my mom was independent.
Speaker 1 (05:48):
And your parents got divorced when, like, how old were you?
Speaker 3 (05:50):
I was eight when I was eight years old. Yeah, yeah,
that's right, So that was you know, that was tough.
It was rough, and my parents got remarried to people
that weren't great. So I was very has been very
very independent. I know, I've always going to have to
be sort of about my friends. Yeah, you have to be. Yeah,
I was raised to be like this is you know,
everyone's kind of out for that. It make it happen
very different than being raised now it's like total latchkey
(06:12):
kid and working and all the things. Not like a
lot of independence. So then I was working, my parents
were Oh my mom, so when I was she's like,
you know, she always drilled into me because I remember
this one day when she's just gotten divorced, and she
was it was after her second husband, and she had
some financial stuff. She was a financial planner and she
went on to be very, very successful, and she just
retired at seventy nine during the pandemic because she couldn't work.
(06:34):
So everyone in my family, my brother runs really successful.
He's a really successful lawyer in Michigan. So everyone has
their own business. Everyone works for himself. So my mom
always said, you know, and I remember her standing over
these thought of us in so long, like these credit
card bills, and it piled up, and she says, you know, Emily,
and she had this husband that wasn't a great guy,
and things happened financially. She said, never ever rely on
(06:56):
anyone to take care of you. You always have to
be out making, you know, your own money and doing
your own thing. And I remember I took that in
my brain. I thought, Okay, well, if I'm always going
to be working, I better find my passion because I'm
someone who can't phone it in. You know, when I'm
excited about it. You know, if I like you, you know,
if I want to talk to you, I can't. I'm
not like the kind of person who's like, oh, I
just want to get along.
Speaker 2 (07:17):
To get along.
Speaker 3 (07:17):
I can't focus if I'm not interested, you know. So
I kept pivoting. So I was like, is it politics?
Like first it was electoral politics then I so then
I pivoted and made a film about politics, a documentary
about San Francisco politics, And that's kind of what led
to what I do now. I started interviewing people because
I was like, after working for somebody, I was like.
Speaker 1 (07:36):
Wait, want to backtack. You made a documentary about politics,
about yes, politics, and that led you to tell me
San Francisco, which led you exactly, I'm dying to know
how politics led you to do this?
Speaker 3 (07:55):
Okay, zero connection? Okay, So because I was so okay,
it's like, oh right, like because all these politicians, yeah,
by the way.
Speaker 2 (08:04):
They're polarizing.
Speaker 3 (08:05):
Most funny because all my friends, because it's a very
small town San Francisco, there's like less than a million
people there. If you work in politics, everyone knows everyone
and they're like, what do you what do you? What
do you mean you're doing that? Because I was definitely
on a career trajectory where I could I knew everybody,
I could run for office. I could do all these things,
but again going back to my passion, it just didn't
feel like it was my own thing and I wanted
(08:26):
to create.
Speaker 2 (08:27):
It wasn't happening right. So I made this film and
I realized.
Speaker 3 (08:30):
Oh, I love interviewing people, and I felt very comfortable
in that position and telling stories. And Okay, so at
this time, though I'm dating, I'm in relationships. I'm a
serial monogamous. But I always have these questions about and this.
Since I was a little girl, I would meet couples
and I'd say, how did you meet?
Speaker 2 (08:47):
You know, tell me about your relationship.
Speaker 3 (08:49):
But just because I think where I were in my home,
they weren't always so stable and interesting. So I thought,
how do you stay in a successful relationship for so long?
What is this secret to being happy and to being successful?
And that by this time sex people would always say
so no, Rachel. What I found out for many people
with sex was the culprit of course, And I thought,
(09:10):
how do you stay married to somebody and want to
have sex with the same person Because in my long
term relationship, right it's a total mystery. And nobody were
talking two thousand and three and there was nobody talking
about it then, and I wasn't talking about it then either.
Speaker 2 (09:25):
I wasn't like guys.
Speaker 3 (09:27):
But I would start asking people, and I realized there
was this big hole of information where I knew my
partners seemed to always be having a great time, but
I wasn't having and like, there's got to be more
to this. Sex just got boring after a while to
for me too, And I thought, why would I get
married and settle down with someone to be with someone
when this is going to be a problem.
Speaker 2 (09:45):
So I really set out.
Speaker 3 (09:47):
They always say researches, mesearch or I always say that,
and I thought, how do I get the answers? And
so it was the So at first I started a
documentary series on like a reality series on CAB TV
in San Francisco, which anybody can get a cable show.
Speaker 1 (10:02):
By the way, and wait, what year is this some around?
Just so I understand that thousand and three? Oh okay,
three okay, okay, got it okay?
Speaker 3 (10:10):
And I started going around San Francisco interviewing people about
their sex life and the relationships, like what makes great sex?
Speaker 2 (10:16):
So what makes you happy?
Speaker 3 (10:17):
And then from there I had an intern. At that time,
it was like, there's this thing called podcasting, why don't
you start that. You don't need a camera. I'm like,
that's amazing because it's the anonymity of talking about sex.
So I did my first podcast in two thousand and five,
didn't really know. I hired a sound guy of Craigslist.
He came over and I invited a bunch of friends,
like single Mary, dating dating online, and I just interviewed
(10:39):
people one by one about their relationship with their sex life.
And I knew after that day because all these pivots
were like, what do I love?
Speaker 2 (10:47):
What's going to change the world, Like that was the
other thing about politics.
Speaker 3 (10:49):
I felt like it was very meaningful and it felt
important that I've had to be working. I want something
that's really going to have an impact, because I think
that's what gets Casey passionate.
Speaker 2 (10:59):
And I just saw the people.
Speaker 3 (11:00):
I could see their faces and how they were opening up,
and I was like, this is just fascinating.
Speaker 2 (11:03):
And I knew that day.
Speaker 3 (11:04):
It was kind of like how people say they find
the one and they knew it. Yep, that's never happened
to me in relationships. I don't even know that that exists.
But in my work, I was like, that's it. I
found it. I'm done and I for twenty years now.
Next year will be my twenty threeter I've been.
Speaker 1 (11:19):
That is the wodgast. That is wild. So you were
doing podcasts before I even ever heard of a podcast, truthfully,
because well, I think for me, I was very obviously
like television and media and all of that, and people
would talk about podcasts. But I've never been a commuter
right here, because I always made a point to live
(11:41):
within five minutes of where I needed to be. So
I found that people, my people in my life that
were the biggest pod listeners were commuters, right because it
was like their time and they could do whatever they wanted.
I never had that time, right And then I had kids,
and then I was like, yeah, right, I'm going to
sit there and listen to a podcast with my littles
like running, you know.
Speaker 2 (12:01):
So there's no time, no, But but.
Speaker 1 (12:04):
Here's the interesting thing, so like you know, so again,
I was a psych major, and I think, like you,
my obsession was talking to people. My obsession was learning
about people's minds and what makes them, you know, tick
and operate and why this and why that? I think
you know, from knowing you the way I do. I mean,
(12:25):
I think I think relationships are fascinating to you. I
think relationships are everything. I'm learning more and more as
an adult that the general words, because I think we
always thought about the term relationship as a couple word,
and it's actually not. Relationships are every single thing with
every person, every you can a relationship with your dog,
(12:46):
like it did, like and those relationships really dictate your
whole entire being, right, they do. But at the end
of the day, sex really is the the to your point,
it is the absolute, I think, core of a successful relationship.
(13:08):
And even just as a friend to so many people
in my life that have gotten divorced or whatever, or
a guy they like or whatever, trying to like a
guy because they've been alone for so long. She's like,
I just don't want to even kiss him. I was like, well,
what what are you doing now? Yeah?
Speaker 3 (13:25):
Like okay, why away? Yeah, like walk away exactly. Well,
you know that's it. I mean, I was like, because
here's the thing is like, it's so misunderstood too, because
we don't know, Yeah, we don't know what even makes
good sex or why we get turned off from people.
How you have longevity, and so I've literally become a
student of it for twenty years. And it's like I
(13:46):
went back to grad school and I got my doctor
in human sexuality.
Speaker 1 (13:48):
I was going to ask you about that, Okay, Okay,
so you did.
Speaker 3 (13:51):
So when I started, yeah, the first of the first
few years, it was like, Wow, I'm going to help people,
Like we're going to like we're going to get this
information out there. I want to liberate the conversation around sex.
There shouldn't be so much pain and suffering and taboo
around it, because when we talk about it and we
come together as a community, we can actually help heal
each other. We can help each other. I Mean the
(14:12):
only conversations I had heard of then is like did
you have sex with them?
Speaker 2 (14:14):
Did you not have sex with them? Wasn't good?
Speaker 1 (14:16):
Was it bad?
Speaker 3 (14:17):
But they're really My friends were like, oh my god,
had crazy sex last night.
Speaker 2 (14:20):
And I used to always stop them and be like
back up, like what does that mean?
Speaker 3 (14:23):
Right?
Speaker 2 (14:23):
Can you explain it to me? What does great sex mean?
Speaker 3 (14:26):
And it was always so different people, or always early
on in the relationship, and I just really kept drilling
down to try to understand what is the importance of sex,
because you're right to your point. You know, we have
relationships with everybody but the people. Like otherwise, you could
live with someone, but if you're not having sex with
they're just your roommate or your children or your parents.
But when the sex comes into it, that's the intimacy.
(14:46):
And So through all these years, and I'm still always
learning because it's always changing, you know that we really
it was so shrouded in mystery for so long, and
I think we're just finally starting to realize that women
deserve pleasure. We should understand our bodies. A lot of
sex that we have is based on men's desires and
not on female desires. Shocker right, exactly like everything we do,
(15:09):
like even medications and healthcare. Like they used to just
look at women and feel like women are like small men,
they could take pills like men can.
Speaker 2 (15:16):
It's like, no, we are very very different humans.
Speaker 3 (15:18):
But you know, so like the clitterist wasn't even in
the medical journals until nineteen ninety eight.
Speaker 2 (15:24):
So it's like all these things, so I just continue
to unpack it and I just you know, I love it.
Speaker 3 (15:29):
I want people to you know, how people prioritize their
pleasure liberating in the conversation because there's so much shame
around sex too, because people in relationships are like, I
don't know what's wrong, I don't know how to talk
about it, so people don't.
Speaker 2 (15:39):
Talk about it.
Speaker 3 (15:40):
So that's been the mission and it's but it's been,
you know, a journey like starting a podcast in two
thousand and five about a podcast which no one's ever
heard of, and talking about sex in two thousand and
five was a wild ride. But it was something that
I just knew, you know, when you know, I'm like,
I don't. I know it's hard, but I just know
it's gonna work.
Speaker 1 (15:56):
So and I think, you know, I mean, you're helping
so many people, I mean, are so do most of
the people that come to you, obviously outside of the podcast,
but in your practice, like couples or individuals.
Speaker 3 (16:14):
Everybody, couples and individuals practice Rachel at all.
Speaker 2 (16:18):
Yeah, eight ages. No, I have to I don't practice
at all. I have to say.
Speaker 3 (16:22):
I mean I did, honestly on my on my friends. Yeah,
I did on my friend my friend kids. Oh, but
then it's couples, it's women, I mean, my audience. So
my podcast is so interesting because since the beginning, Rachel,
it's been split men and women. It's always been fifty
to fifty, right, and people always think it's all women,
But it's men too because men.
Speaker 1 (16:41):
No, it's men. I sent someone to you. I sent
someone to you recently. I said, you need to call
my friend Emily because I can't help you with this.
I'm like, I can try, but I can only so
Like I guess what I'm saying is like, I think
some people only want to talk about it. Some people
won't even mention it. I think generationally, our parents.
Speaker 2 (17:05):
Would never very different.
Speaker 1 (17:07):
Never are you kidding say the word sex in a room? What?
Speaker 3 (17:11):
Like?
Speaker 1 (17:12):
Ye a way? I mean my parents are very liberal,
so they would. I used to find crazy books around
my house. It made me throw up. But like you know,
I mean, you never want to know anything about your parents.
Speaker 3 (17:22):
It's ever Oh well, well, I mean that's what I'm
trying to change you, because our society is so like that.
But if you normalize it and you start talking about
a young age more than just like the birds and
the bees talk, then it becomes less weird and less
But but we're not there yet. There's literally only one
place in the Netherlands like in Amsterdam, they talk about it,
they start teaching sex ed when kids are like pre
(17:43):
verbal about consent in their bodies.
Speaker 1 (17:46):
But we're a locally there.
Speaker 2 (17:47):
But my people I talked to it is like all
my friend's kids, all my friends, like you said in
your friend to me drops a bomb and he at
a party. Clearly it's been a problem for him if
he's telling you.
Speaker 3 (17:56):
But like my brother called it and he's like, he's like,
some friend of mine just said she hasn't you know
she's having problems.
Speaker 2 (18:01):
It's a baby. Can I give her your number?
Speaker 3 (18:02):
I'm like sure, because there aren't that many people you know,
really talking about where else do you go? And it's like,
if you think about it, if we have problems in
any area of our life, we have an expert to call.
Like you got a toothache, you know, you call your
a dentist, or you have something your knee bread, you
call your you know, knee person whatever they're calling again,
your knee doctor. Yeah, this huge, or the priece they
get or the police cert it. But with sex, it's
(18:24):
like and it's so multi layered because early on, like
people like I want to quick fix, what's the toy
what's the position, what's the loop? But sexual health is
part of your wellness. If you're Bret, if you have
you know, confidence issues, you're on a certain medication, you know,
all these things are going to impact sex.
Speaker 1 (18:39):
So it's it's complex, but that's really interesting. Actually I
want to talk about that because I think mental health
I think has really I think now talk about sigma.
I think I think mental health is the thing people
are most talking about. So it's very interesting what you're
saying at Like, what a link it is because me
(19:01):
being a psych major, and I always argue the point
that I've been practicing every day since because being a
stylist for my whole adult life, boy, that's a that's
a psychiatric experience, so psychological experience. But I think we're both.
But I do want to just talk about that because
(19:23):
I think that what you're doing has changed the game.
I think it's helping really desigmatize, normalize, democratize, you know,
the conversation. I know you know Gwyneth and Goop, and
I know you've you've been on there a bunch, and
I think all of these things, but I think you're
now going on like today's shows and talk shows and
(19:46):
like being on morning television, and I think that it's
amazing and I wanted to have you on the pod
because I feel like so much so many of the
women I talk to, you know, they're game changers in
a lot of different fields, and I feel like you've
obviously really changed the game here the conversation. And I
remember when I first met you. I mean, I'm pretty
(20:06):
sure we were talking about sex within five minutes, and
I was like, this is so funny, because like anyone
who knows me is like, Rachel talked about sex, like what?
And I think it's again. I think it because growing
up you're sort of like, ladies don't talk about that, right,
And not that my mom was like you need to
sit straight and walk like a certain lady. It was
just sort of I think it was considered to not
(20:29):
be okay or classy to do such a thing. Yeah,
and I think it wasn't. And I think now it's
more intelligent and less trashy and more I don't know.
I think it's just I think it's becoming normal, you know,
I think it's becoming normal twenty years it is, right,
and they are talking about it at a young age
(20:52):
in school, they're starting in third grade for sure. So amazing.
But you think that this is really impacting mental health? Right?
Speaker 2 (21:01):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (21:02):
Absolutely?
Speaker 3 (21:02):
And here's the thing is that it's confidence and it's
so I wrote this book last year called Smart Sex,
How to Boost your Sex Like you and Own your Pleasure.
And I realized when I was writing the book that
it was all my best tips because people coming for
tips and there's twenty years and then I realized that
it's so whatever someone so a lot of on my
podcast un Sex with Emily, people call with questions Today.
Speaker 2 (21:22):
I get hundreds of questions.
Speaker 3 (21:23):
A day, and I realized that when they asked me
a question, I have to kind of go through this
like these five In my mind, I would go through
these five pillars, like how how in your body? The
first was like embodiment, like are you in your body
during sex? Or are you leaving the room? Are you fantasizing?
Speaker 2 (21:38):
What's your health like?
Speaker 3 (21:39):
If you're not moving your body, you're not in a
healthy place, you're not eating great foods. That's also going
to impact your ability to feel aroused and turn on
if you're stressed. Do you know the three biggest killers
of our sex drive are stress? Trauma and shame, Like
if you're stressed and anxious, you got a spiking cortisole.
It literally cannot live with being turned on? Yeah, can's
each other all day? You're like, why can't I get
(22:01):
out in the bedroom. It's like, because you actually are stressed.
So they're just knowledge that people don't realize. Then the
first one, Yeah, so your health and wellness, your health
and that it's your collaboration. How well do you communicate
about sex? So most people Rachel, never talk about sex,
like we're saying, and then they don't certainly don't talk
to their partners about it. So then they expect their
partners a mind reader and they should know what they want.
Speaker 2 (22:20):
So I you know.
Speaker 3 (22:21):
And the next one is self knowledge, like how well
do you know yourself? Like I had to realize I
know that there's certain times a day, maybe world I
want sex. A lot of times I don't, and people
assume that I'm like having sex all the time.
Speaker 1 (22:32):
No, I'm like anyone else that's like me get stressed
and changing twenty times a day?
Speaker 3 (22:36):
Hell Rachel, Well no, Hell, I'm like, are you kidding?
Like I do not want sex? In fact, I know
what I do What I do know is I know
how to handle it when I don't. I know when
and I want it when I don't. What has to
be happening, Like if it's cold in the house, there's
no way. If it's past ten o'clock in the weekday, no,
you know what I'm saying, I sit down the barrier.
Speaker 2 (22:56):
But people make assumptions.
Speaker 1 (22:57):
It's just that No.
Speaker 2 (22:58):
I know how to help people and help myself.
Speaker 3 (22:59):
Just literally think about It's like food, Like if you
go to somebody and you're like deciding where to go,
You're like, I know that I don't like the food here,
but I like it here.
Speaker 2 (23:09):
Same thing with sex, but we just never think.
Speaker 3 (23:11):
About it because we just think it's it's like this
mysterious closer eyes and for the best. It's like you
have to It's like I help people kind of crack
the code on that so they could be their own
best advocates for what they want. It is related to
mental health because if we're depressed, if we're anterest not
feeling good in our bodies, all the things, which is
a lifetime journey. By the way, you never get to
all five pillars and feel like now I'm the most
(23:34):
sexually intelligent person out there's just a way to understand
where you're at and then how to connect more with
yourself and with your partner.
Speaker 1 (23:41):
But yeah, on journey, so fascinated, it's so it's it's
so impressive, honestly, and fearless in a lot of ways,
because again, like I think anyone who can demystify and
open up the you know, conversation but really make it
(24:03):
like every day. I mean, I think it's it's not easy.
It's not easy to do, you know, but yet it's
the thing that everybody needs to talk about.
Speaker 3 (24:13):
They need to Yeah, they do. They feel better. Like
that's the thing about listening to the podcasts. People will
say to me, Oh, my boyfriend and I were driving
on a twelve hour road trip and we listen to
your podcast the whole time, And I was like, that
seems like a lot of time listening to my boy
But it's because if you listen a few times, it's
going to normalize it. You're like, oh, she talks about
it like, you know, Sonny with a chance of war
gas and you can do that.
Speaker 2 (24:33):
We can talk about it. That's not a problem.
Speaker 3 (24:35):
So yeah, I have to normalize it. But the whole business.
Like I'm an entrepreneur like you. That part has not
been easy. You know, I've been doing this for on
my own, Razor, you know, buy the bootstraps. Building a
brand a business around it has been you know, that's
a journey for sure.
Speaker 1 (24:49):
And how many books do you have, Emily? Now you
have more than one?
Speaker 2 (24:52):
No, I have two bucks. I have two buffs, yes, And.
Speaker 1 (24:55):
Can you tell our listeners what they're called, because I
think everybody's going to run out and grab it after.
Speaker 3 (25:01):
Once called hot sex, one's called hot sex, and one's
called smart sex.
Speaker 1 (25:07):
I'm pretty sure all the dudes are buying hot sex. Yes, exactly.
Speaker 2 (25:12):
It's good.
Speaker 3 (25:12):
It's actually pictures. It's great. It's like it's ten years old.
It was time for another book. It's like a lot
of pictures. I'm like, don't even you don't.
Speaker 2 (25:19):
Have to read, just see what to do. That's we
all need tips, Rachel. We never got tips or we did?
Are we watch porn?
Speaker 1 (25:25):
We just figured it out, girl, just figured it out.
Speaker 2 (25:29):
It's no different.
Speaker 1 (25:29):
It's better though, Yeah, I mean yeah, but I mean something.
I think probably a lot of people ask you or
would want to ask you, how do you suggest in
this day and age. And I know you don't have
your own kids, but I know you're around a lot
of kids and love kids, but a lot. How what
(25:50):
is your best sort of advice on how to talk
to kids? What age? Or does it vary based on
your like? What what is your like? Give me your
your thoughts on because I think that is the real
struggle for parents, because the Internet now has pretty much
done all the work, and not in a good way.
Speaker 2 (26:13):
Yeah, no, I'm with you.
Speaker 1 (26:14):
I'm with you.
Speaker 3 (26:15):
And so here's the thing I love you ass is
now that all my friends have teenagers and kids. This
is like I spend a lot of my time figuring
this out. So and I'm is that well. First, the
biggest challenge why it's so hard for parents is because
we haven't quite well. First, we were never having sex education,
and we've got issues around it too. We're like, maybe
(26:35):
we have shame around it, or maybe we grew up
in a religious upbringing where it wasn't okay, and so
we have to figure out why we're uncomfortable.
Speaker 2 (26:42):
With it too. But it's also okay.
Speaker 3 (26:44):
So, like the best way to start with your kids
is to say, you know, and your kids are twelve,
and minors just thirteen and just ten just thirteen ten. Okay,
so it's like, yeah, we got to start. So it
would mean like when you are watching something on TV.
For example, Let's say you're watching something and you see
(27:05):
something and you it's like using social media or using
media to ask them a question.
Speaker 2 (27:11):
So let's say you're watching.
Speaker 3 (27:12):
There's a relationship, and let's say there's a couple that
kisses or something happens, and you're like, you could stop
the TV and be like, so, what do you think
of that relationship?
Speaker 2 (27:19):
What did that make you think? Do you guys have
any you know, what do you think? Yeah? And then
just just you start, even though they're young and they're like,
oh gross or whatever they do.
Speaker 1 (27:27):
I said to me, Mommy, that's how you made me right,
Like when they kiss, That's how you and Daddy made
me right. And then and then you just pushed me
out and I came out with a big smile. Yep,
that's exactly what happened. And I looked at each other.
(27:47):
But but Skyler, funny enough is like I know everything, Mom,
don't worry.
Speaker 2 (27:54):
They don't know.
Speaker 3 (27:55):
I mean, because what they're learning the mechanics, But so
you use examples and you say, yeah, well, you know,
there's a little more to it than that, would you
like to you know, and then you just sort of
it has to be do you want to know?
Speaker 2 (28:06):
Do you want to know?
Speaker 3 (28:07):
Know what happens? You know how I have a vagina
and your dad has a penis? I mean, I know
it sounds like.
Speaker 2 (28:13):
But you just give it to the eight.
Speaker 3 (28:14):
You give them the information at the age is like
commensurate with their age, and you just continue to listen
and you ask questions and you use things, and so
when they say something like that, you could say, well,
let me just tell you actually what happens, but you
don't have to judgment around it. You just sort of
keep going and you could even say, you know, what's
so cool right now is that my parents didn't talk
to me about it because it was you know, it
(28:35):
was a different times. I'm learning too, I'm figuring out
the best way to parent you on this because i
want you to have all the information. But even at
this age, talking and about puberty, like letting them know
what to expect that you might have, you know, you
might start to feel at night, start to feel, you know,
your your penis gets harder, you'll have a dream or
this thing will happen. I know, but you have to
(28:56):
be like, that's totally okay, and just you know, if
you you have a question about it, you can ask
me about it. But I want you to be expecting
that it's because you have hormones and your body starts
to change at this time and you might be having
these thoughts and I just want you to feel okay,
And you have to bring it up often, like it's
like not every day, but the more repeated you are
(29:17):
and the more you normalize it, the more comfortable they're
going to feel to ask you questions. And if you
don't know the answer, it's okay to say let me
get back to you on that.
Speaker 2 (29:25):
But I'm so glad you asked me.
Speaker 1 (29:27):
I did that once with my little one because he
asked it such a young age, and I was like,
what do you want to know? You know? And we
kept it. Yeah, we kept it light, We kept it,
We kept it light. I think I went to an
animal reference. I think because they're really into animals and
they know animals and they understand that. So I was like, okay,
(29:50):
and then I was like, let me know when you
want to know more, you know.
Speaker 2 (29:55):
Like yeah, but sometimes they don't know.
Speaker 3 (29:58):
So it's kind of like like a lot of we
talked abo about their periods, right, which like girls will
start for developing breasts and you know boys, you could
say to them, you know that you might have a
growth spurt, or you might you know, have a penis
that grows, or your voice changes.
Speaker 2 (30:13):
You know, sometimes they have wet dreams.
Speaker 3 (30:15):
You could say, you might get I have wet dreams
and this might happen in your sleep. But you just
are giving them the facts and you're just saying this
things could be happening. I want you to know that
it's totally normal and you can ask me anything about it.
But the problem is on is we don't know the
questions to ask. Like my mom always said to me,
you know, if you have any questions about sex, ask me,
And much like your son, I was like, oh, I
know it all, but we really, you know, we don't
(30:36):
know what we don't know. So they might ask them
like why don't I have you know, puba carry out?
You can Everyone develops at their own time, so it's
just you can hit me just anytime.
Speaker 1 (30:46):
I was like, or if you're lucky enough to know Emily.
You just pumped them to Emily too.
Speaker 2 (30:51):
But I would love it. I talked to my nieces.
Speaker 3 (30:54):
I was literally on a zoom last week with my
niece and like twenty five of her friends in college
like her is.
Speaker 1 (30:59):
Like the thing in the whole entire I love it.
Speaker 3 (31:03):
I pull out my vulva puppet and I'm like, you
know that's right behind me. I'm like, because they don't know,
I'm like, Okay, here's your vulve, like this is your
clear and I'm showing them and that I have the penis.
Because they all want to know how to please their partners.
I'm like, okay, but this is your vagina. They all
look different, I literally do. And I'm like, they're like
aunt Emery out.
Speaker 1 (31:24):
Just navigating.
Speaker 2 (31:25):
No, no, they really they don't want to look between
their legs.
Speaker 3 (31:29):
Women are grossed out. And here's a proble with women.
We are so disconnected from our bodies that we walk
around like we hate my bodies. My thoughts a rubbing together.
I forgot, And then we're like, but we think that
we should just get into the bedroom and feel amazing
and know what to do if we don't spend the
time being our own best.
Speaker 1 (31:47):
Well I want it, okay, So I don't want to
take all your time, but I want to just ask
one more thing. What what is the most common issues
that you're presented with? Like what what are people constantly
like wanting you to talk about, like for women in
their like forties or fifties, Like, is there like I
guess what I'm saying is like in relationship podcasts or
(32:09):
or just in general and counseling or anything else. It
seems to be there is a mid life crisis, right,
Like that is a very real thing, right, And whether
that's forty, whether that's fifty, whether it's fifty five, but
I would imagine and just from like the people in
my life. Yeah, there is common threads as too. Okay,
(32:31):
sex drive don't you hear down I just hear a
lot of like disinterest. There's a lot of medications people
are taking freight like anxieties and different things, and that
obviously I'm sure you know this better than anyone impacts
sex drips. So I think I'm curious sort of what
the most common threads are that people come to like
(32:52):
females like age guys. I mean, I can sort of
figure that one out. But like I think i'm.
Speaker 2 (32:57):
Girls, so like women.
Speaker 3 (32:59):
Yeah, women want to know, yeah, why they're not as
turned on anymore, why that, Yeah they're libido, they don't
want to have sex as much, and they get older, perimenopause, menopause,
they want to know why they're just like dry everywhere
and why they don't yeah feel great or waking and
all these things happen. So really I'm a big advocate
for HRT or hormone replacement therapy for a lot of women.
(33:22):
There was a lot of There was actually a really
you know, bunk study that came out in the early
two thousands that said that it was bad for women
to take estrogen, for which many many years before that
women were so for the last twenty years, women were
not getting this relief that they need because they were
told that it was directly really the cancer. But we
have found out now that it's really not. It's really
safe for most women to at least take vaginal estrogen
(33:45):
because it doesn't really transfer as much into your body,
but you could just use it. So anyway, I tell
women to also if you're on a medication or you're
on an antidepressant that is going to impact your sex drives.
So I think that what we find is later in
life is that this is always the case, to be honest,
because I hear from women in their twenties like I
moved with my boyfriend two years ago, and now I
(34:05):
don't want to have sex. So that's my challenges that
my listeners are all ages. You ask me, like, they're
literally eighteen to eighty five. Wow, and they're all ages.
And I think because it's so mysterious and we don't
we never really like understand all of it. So I
think in all ages, it's like you get to decide
what actually sex means to you. And the other thing
is that so much of sex again is for was
(34:28):
based on man a male's pleasure, like procreation. You can
only have sex in this one position, but that's the
position that actually doesn't feel the best for most women,
and women don't have as much pleasure that way. So
I just asked women, like, figure out what you actually
like by a vibrator, be okay not having sex as
often too, Like there's no like sex police, it's gonna
(34:49):
knock on your door and be like I hear you
only having sex once a month, like what's wrong.
Speaker 1 (34:53):
Your husband, your husband, your boyfriend.
Speaker 2 (34:56):
Well then we exactly.
Speaker 3 (34:57):
Well then you got to say, like this is actually
what I need to feel. And that's what I tackle
my book, like figure out what you if you still
think that sex is important, because some people are like
I'm done, I'm out, I've had enough.
Speaker 2 (35:08):
I actually don't ever need it again.
Speaker 3 (35:10):
But if you're like, no, I'm really curious on how
I could start to like it again or start to
get into it, then then I've got tons in my
book what I talk about all the time, Like you
got to break it down into it's not just one thing,
Like I could give you a million positions and toys
and loops, but at the end of the day, it's
an inside job.
Speaker 2 (35:26):
Sure, you know, like everything so figuring it so layered.
Speaker 3 (35:30):
It's so layered it is, and so you know that's
I'm so glad you're having me on talk about but
also like yeah, I mean it's but.
Speaker 2 (35:37):
It's it's so layered. But it's it's been a it's
been a journey.
Speaker 3 (35:40):
They're also just being you know, having the business around
it too, and trying to it's amazing figure out how
to help more people when there's still so much shame
around it, like even the world is opening up to it,
but there's still like sponsors or brands or like I'm not.
Speaker 2 (35:52):
Going to touch it. Yeah, so so there's still shame.
Like some parties people collect. You can tell when you go.
Speaker 3 (35:56):
To a party, like like people go to dinner party
and there's like half rooms like I have a question,
and the half rooms like leaving the room because they
don't want to talk to you about right, It's like
the fronting.
Speaker 1 (36:06):
So that's so wild, but yes, it's it's absolutely one
percent true, and I think getting less. So you know,
even just saying the word vagina was like a thing,
you know what I mean, like really definitely, like if
someone's saying on television, no, no, hell no. But somehow
penis is susceptible. It is.
Speaker 3 (36:27):
When I started, I couldn't say it anyway. I was
do television and radio, like you can't say it. You
can't say peens, vagina, you can't say master. But they
were like nothing on the radio, and you couldn't on
TV and the morning shows like you can't, like you
can come on, you have to say intimacy. You know,
it's like you say, now they are they let me
bring vibrators on.
Speaker 2 (36:44):
It's I know, it's the only day.
Speaker 1 (36:48):
Get it Emily.
Speaker 2 (36:51):
Long enough, ry long enough, people are ready for you.
Speaker 1 (36:54):
I guess yeah, Well, I love having you on. You're
such honestly really are such a game change, and I
love that you do this. I think so many people
are grateful that you do this. I think many people
are grateful and cult followers of sex with Emily, And
I think you're really important for young people, older people, yes,
(37:15):
but I really think that young people really need to
really need you the most, honestly, because it is this
weird thing. It's this weird thing. It's a weird thing
to talk about. It's still this very like she's a slut,
he gets all the girls, Okay, what is a slut? Like? What? Okay?
Why is she slut?
Speaker 3 (37:34):
Like?
Speaker 1 (37:34):
All the things right, and and then it's sort of
like what does that even mean? And what should we
be doing? And how is it you know, really hard?
How can it be respectful versus trashy? And how you
know all all the things. So I think that's a
whole nother layer and a whole nother book for you
just saying.
Speaker 3 (37:50):
Yeah, no, it is Rachel and I have to say
that is my greatest passion right now is talking to
young people. And I do these little programs. So the
problem is, though, parents, you have to teach kids about sex. No,
you have to get parental signature to.
Speaker 2 (38:06):
Get to sign up for eight yep, so eighteen and over.
Speaker 3 (38:10):
Though, like I do these little boot camps for women
before they go to school and college like women and
I and I've done that the last few years, just
kind of tell them what they need to know, and
I go round to college campuses and so really though,
at the end of the day, my because this is
like our future of these youth that need to know.
So I that is something I'm developing right now, developing
a course. And if anyone's listening and they're interested, like
(38:31):
they can just you know, email me DM me. But
we are developing a course for parents and for kids,
because I know it's awkward. I'm like, yeah, just tell
your kids about this. It's not fucking easy. So I'm
not I'm not like, yeah, just do this, turn.
Speaker 2 (38:44):
Off the TV.
Speaker 3 (38:44):
It's just it's so because parents again have to work
through their own stuff. Like I'm literally not there's very
few people who are doing what I'm It's why it's
so interesting because they're all coming up against it now,
be like, what the hell do I do? So I
know that I'm I'd love to tell parents just like
take this course and create and also get there.
Speaker 1 (39:01):
I also think kids don't want to necessarily talk to
their parents, and then they also don't want to sit
there in a classroom with their peers, so.
Speaker 2 (39:11):
Les, what do you do?
Speaker 3 (39:14):
And then they might find porn on their phone and
you don't know they found poor And I think that
sex like.
Speaker 2 (39:19):
That is not sex.
Speaker 3 (39:20):
That is a start of the movie that was created
by a man for a man, and it's scripted, so like, no,
that's not sex. So the problem is when kids are like, well,
what if that's not sex?
Speaker 1 (39:29):
What is?
Speaker 2 (39:30):
And then they're like how do I explain this? So
I'm on it, Rachel, I'm on.
Speaker 1 (39:33):
It's good.
Speaker 2 (39:34):
I'm developing programs. But I love it. Really it's a problem.
Speaker 1 (39:38):
Yeah, Well, I'm grateful for you. This was so much fun.
I love what you're doing. And I'm obviously everybody knows
what you're doing. All right, you guys, everyone sex with Emily.
You gotta listen, you gotta check it out. And got
her new buck, got her new book all right Love. Thanks,
have an awesome day and a great week. Thank you
(40:03):
so much to Emily for being on Clembian Hills. Truly,
her work to destigmatize sex and change the conversation around
it is so important. Yes, for us, I think as
adults of any age. To me, I think even more
so for young people because I think just the way
we all grew up was like, don't talk about it,
(40:24):
don't mention your private parts, don't mention this different nicknames
for all your body parts, and don't talk about it
in school, don't mention it to your friend, definitely don't
say that around your dad, you know, that kind of thing.
And I think that ultimately, to Emily's point, I think
it really impacts your mental your emotional health, and just
your confidence in yourself, how you carry yourself. And like
(40:44):
I think, similar to the way that I've always approached
fashion and style and people's fear of it, you know,
and the way that I truly believe it affects your confidence,
I believe it's the same here, honestly, And I think
the more that we normalize it, the more we really
lift the stigmafit, say, the words, talk about it in
a room, and make it normal. I think the more
(41:06):
relaxed and normal it will be, and the less weird
and the less invasive and the less scary to everybody.
So I want to thank you all so much for
listening to Climbing and Heels. If you haven't already, please
subscribe to the show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, the iHeart app,
or wherever you get your podcasts so you don't miss
a single episode this season. It's going to be so good.
(41:28):
And be sure to follow me on Instagram at at
Rachel z Oh and the show at Climbing Inhalepod for
the latest episodes and updates. I will talk to you
all soon. Wow.
Hi everyone, I'm Rachel Zoe and you're listening to Climbing
in Heels for your weekly dose of glamour, inspiration and
of course fun. Today's episode is definitely one that's a
little outside of my comfort zone and probably most pupils.
But I'm so excited to have the amazing Emily Moore's
on the pod. You might know Emily from her incredibly
(00:29):
successful podcast Sex with Emily, or from one of her
best selling books, Hot Sex, over two Hundred Things you
Can Try Tonight or Smart Sex. Emily is truly one
of the pioneers in the podcast space, I think twenty
years now, and her story is truly fascinating. So let's
get right into it. I'm very excited to have you on.
(00:52):
It's funny because I would say, don't ask Roger, but
I would say, I'm known to be a little bit
like I'm I'm definitely like a modest person in this
sense of It's weird because on the one hand, I'm
obviously not because I'm like loud and over the top
and constantly making fun of myself whatever. But I wanted
(01:14):
to have you on because I think what you've done
is I think you've really helped to normalize, to revolutionize,
to make talking about sex your sex life and everything
else like basically like talking about what you ate for
dinner exactly. And so I'm very curious. I want to
(01:35):
go back to the beginning for a second, because you know,
I don't think you woke up as a little girl
and said I'm going to be a sex therapist. So
tell me a little like. I love to know because
Climbing and Heels is so much about really talking about
the journey of all the amazing women that I speak to.
(01:56):
And I think the journey is the hardest part, the
most challenging, and also the most exciting, and it is
obviously what gets you to where you are now. So
I want to talk about that. So tell me a
little bit, like give me you give me Emily, okay,
tell me.
Speaker 2 (02:09):
I'll tell you Okay.
Speaker 3 (02:11):
So no, I did not come out of the womb
talking about sex knowing anything, just checking.
Speaker 1 (02:17):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (02:17):
No, this was later, much later. Let's look my third career.
Speaker 3 (02:20):
So I it's really I was just looking so a
group of Michigan in a suburb of Detroit, and I yeah,
and then as you know, I grew up in Michigan.
Then I went to University of Michigan, and in college
I was always like it always it was really hard
for me to pick a major, and they were like,
you have to pick a major like sophomore year, and
I'm like, how do I know?
Speaker 2 (02:40):
Like, I love that you always knew what you wanted
to do.
Speaker 1 (02:43):
I know, like, no, I was a psyche major. I
was a psych major was psych.
Speaker 2 (02:47):
And so okay, yeah, okay, so you did. You weren't
always into fashion when you were a little.
Speaker 1 (02:51):
I was, but at the time there was there was
no world that I thought it could be a career
and that I could ever make a dollar doing it.
I associated working with being miserable, like I associated work
with being like serious and at a desk and like,
what is your career path? That's one of these ton things.
I did know that I didn't want to be corporate
(03:14):
and sit at a desk in under fluorescent light all
day and not be in the world that I knew.
But fashion, as much as I was obsessed with it,
it was my passion, but I had no idea it
could be a career. So that happened. By the accident.
Speaker 2 (03:27):
Invented a path and then a path to get to
live your passion. Well I was.
Speaker 3 (03:32):
I was always working, so my parents grew up like
I had a very strong work ethic. I had a
you know, I said, my first job at thirteen, wow,
you know, working in clothing stores in Michigan and doing
little things like.
Speaker 1 (03:41):
That by choice because you had to define because there's
a dep you had to.
Speaker 3 (03:46):
Okay, I wanted to like buy a car in a
prom dress, so that's basically it.
Speaker 1 (03:50):
So you were in a spoiled brat. That's great. I
was not.
Speaker 3 (03:53):
No, No, I wasn't. But you know, we had a
good note. I was always told like that was a
priority to work. And I went to college and I
always worked really hard, but I was really looking for
that things with like you have to pick your major
when you're a sophomore.
Speaker 2 (04:03):
I was like, how do I know I.
Speaker 3 (04:04):
Haven't done that much yet if I pick psychology because
I'm always interested in that. My family was a big
advocate of therapy from a young age for everybody. So
then I was my senior year, I was taking this
POLLISCI class and it was all about women in politics,
which there were none. There was two women in the
Senate and it just a few in Congress, and I
(04:25):
started getting very passionate about women being elected to higher office.
And so my senior year I was reading it with
a year of the Woman in California. And I graduated
and I got in my car and I drove to
San Francisco and my first campaign was I worked for
Barbara Boxer on her first Senate campaign. So for ten
years I worked in electoral politics in San Francisco, working
(04:46):
for different candidates. I know you and know I, right,
So I was very like in a suit every day
going to city hall working on campaigns, very very different
than where I am now.
Speaker 2 (04:57):
But the one is that great, I know, right, who knew?
Speaker 1 (05:00):
Well, it's amazing, actually amazing, Okay, So yeah, so that
was it.
Speaker 2 (05:05):
I was it, and I loved I did love working.
Speaker 3 (05:07):
I loved mobilizing voters and getting people to you know,
educating them and working with the candidates.
Speaker 2 (05:13):
But it was crazy.
Speaker 3 (05:14):
It was like twenty four to seven and then I
worked for Willie Brown who was being elected to the
mayor of San Francisco. He was the first black mayor
in San Francisco. And I was young, I was like
in my twenties, but I really became, you know, part
of the top of the campaign and started, you know,
just getting people out to vote, organizing as inaugural like
I did have fundraising, And while I loved all that
(05:35):
and it was insane, it still felt like it wasn't
my passion. So my biggest thing when I graduated was like,
what do I love to do? Because how I was
raised was my mom always said to me, you know,
my parents got divorced and my mom was independent.
Speaker 1 (05:48):
And your parents got divorced when, like, how old were you?
Speaker 3 (05:50):
I was eight when I was eight years old. Yeah, yeah,
that's right, So that was you know, that was tough.
It was rough, and my parents got remarried to people
that weren't great. So I was very has been very
very independent. I know, I've always going to have to
be sort of about my friends. Yeah, you have to be. Yeah,
I was raised to be like this is you know,
everyone's kind of out for that. It make it happen
very different than being raised now it's like total latchkey
(06:12):
kid and working and all the things. Not like a
lot of independence. So then I was working, my parents
were Oh my mom, so when I was she's like,
you know, she always drilled into me because I remember
this one day when she's just gotten divorced, and she
was it was after her second husband, and she had
some financial stuff. She was a financial planner and she
went on to be very, very successful, and she just
retired at seventy nine during the pandemic because she couldn't work.
(06:34):
So everyone in my family, my brother runs really successful.
He's a really successful lawyer in Michigan. So everyone has
their own business. Everyone works for himself. So my mom
always said, you know, and I remember her standing over
these thought of us in so long, like these credit
card bills, and it piled up, and she says, you know, Emily,
and she had this husband that wasn't a great guy,
and things happened financially. She said, never ever rely on
(06:56):
anyone to take care of you. You always have to
be out making, you know, your own money and doing
your own thing. And I remember I took that in
my brain. I thought, Okay, well, if I'm always going
to be working, I better find my passion because I'm
someone who can't phone it in. You know, when I'm
excited about it. You know, if I like you, you know,
if I want to talk to you, I can't. I'm
not like the kind of person who's like, oh, I
just want to get along.
Speaker 2 (07:17):
To get along.
Speaker 3 (07:17):
I can't focus if I'm not interested, you know. So
I kept pivoting. So I was like, is it politics?
Like first it was electoral politics then I so then
I pivoted and made a film about politics, a documentary
about San Francisco politics, And that's kind of what led
to what I do now. I started interviewing people because
I was like, after working for somebody, I was like.
Speaker 1 (07:36):
Wait, want to backtack. You made a documentary about politics,
about yes, politics, and that led you to tell me
San Francisco, which led you exactly, I'm dying to know
how politics led you to do this?
Speaker 3 (07:55):
Okay, zero connection? Okay, So because I was so okay,
it's like, oh right, like because all these politicians, yeah,
by the way.
Speaker 2 (08:04):
They're polarizing.
Speaker 3 (08:05):
Most funny because all my friends, because it's a very
small town San Francisco, there's like less than a million
people there. If you work in politics, everyone knows everyone
and they're like, what do you what do you? What
do you mean you're doing that? Because I was definitely
on a career trajectory where I could I knew everybody,
I could run for office. I could do all these things,
but again going back to my passion, it just didn't
feel like it was my own thing and I wanted
(08:26):
to create.
Speaker 2 (08:27):
It wasn't happening right. So I made this film and
I realized.
Speaker 3 (08:30):
Oh, I love interviewing people, and I felt very comfortable
in that position and telling stories. And Okay, so at
this time, though I'm dating, I'm in relationships. I'm a
serial monogamous. But I always have these questions about and this.
Since I was a little girl, I would meet couples
and I'd say, how did you meet?
Speaker 2 (08:47):
You know, tell me about your relationship.
Speaker 3 (08:49):
But just because I think where I were in my home,
they weren't always so stable and interesting. So I thought,
how do you stay in a successful relationship for so long?
What is this secret to being happy and to being successful?
And that by this time sex people would always say
so no, Rachel. What I found out for many people
with sex was the culprit of course, And I thought,
(09:10):
how do you stay married to somebody and want to
have sex with the same person Because in my long
term relationship, right it's a total mystery. And nobody were
talking two thousand and three and there was nobody talking
about it then, and I wasn't talking about it then either.
Speaker 2 (09:25):
I wasn't like guys.
Speaker 3 (09:27):
But I would start asking people, and I realized there
was this big hole of information where I knew my
partners seemed to always be having a great time, but
I wasn't having and like, there's got to be more
to this. Sex just got boring after a while to
for me too, And I thought, why would I get
married and settle down with someone to be with someone
when this is going to be a problem.
Speaker 2 (09:45):
So I really set out.
Speaker 3 (09:47):
They always say researches, mesearch or I always say that,
and I thought, how do I get the answers? And
so it was the So at first I started a
documentary series on like a reality series on CAB TV
in San Francisco, which anybody can get a cable show.
Speaker 1 (10:02):
By the way, and wait, what year is this some around?
Just so I understand that thousand and three? Oh okay,
three okay, okay, got it okay?
Speaker 3 (10:10):
And I started going around San Francisco interviewing people about
their sex life and the relationships, like what makes great sex?
Speaker 2 (10:16):
So what makes you happy?
Speaker 3 (10:17):
And then from there I had an intern. At that time,
it was like, there's this thing called podcasting, why don't
you start that. You don't need a camera. I'm like,
that's amazing because it's the anonymity of talking about sex.
So I did my first podcast in two thousand and five,
didn't really know. I hired a sound guy of Craigslist.
He came over and I invited a bunch of friends,
like single Mary, dating dating online, and I just interviewed
(10:39):
people one by one about their relationship with their sex life.
And I knew after that day because all these pivots
were like, what do I love?
Speaker 2 (10:47):
What's going to change the world, Like that was the
other thing about politics.
Speaker 3 (10:49):
I felt like it was very meaningful and it felt
important that I've had to be working. I want something
that's really going to have an impact, because I think
that's what gets Casey passionate.
Speaker 2 (10:59):
And I just saw the people.
Speaker 3 (11:00):
I could see their faces and how they were opening up,
and I was like, this is just fascinating.
Speaker 2 (11:03):
And I knew that day.
Speaker 3 (11:04):
It was kind of like how people say they find
the one and they knew it. Yep, that's never happened
to me in relationships. I don't even know that that exists.
But in my work, I was like, that's it. I
found it. I'm done and I for twenty years now.
Next year will be my twenty threeter I've been.
Speaker 1 (11:19):
That is the wodgast. That is wild. So you were
doing podcasts before I even ever heard of a podcast, truthfully,
because well, I think for me, I was very obviously
like television and media and all of that, and people
would talk about podcasts. But I've never been a commuter
right here, because I always made a point to live
(11:41):
within five minutes of where I needed to be. So
I found that people, my people in my life that
were the biggest pod listeners were commuters, right because it
was like their time and they could do whatever they wanted.
I never had that time, right And then I had kids,
and then I was like, yeah, right, I'm going to
sit there and listen to a podcast with my littles
like running, you know.
Speaker 2 (12:01):
So there's no time, no, But but.
Speaker 1 (12:04):
Here's the interesting thing, so like you know, so again,
I was a psych major, and I think, like you,
my obsession was talking to people. My obsession was learning
about people's minds and what makes them, you know, tick
and operate and why this and why that? I think
you know, from knowing you the way I do. I mean,
(12:25):
I think I think relationships are fascinating to you. I
think relationships are everything. I'm learning more and more as
an adult that the general words, because I think we
always thought about the term relationship as a couple word,
and it's actually not. Relationships are every single thing with
every person, every you can a relationship with your dog,
(12:46):
like it did, like and those relationships really dictate your
whole entire being, right, they do. But at the end
of the day, sex really is the the to your point,
it is the absolute, I think, core of a successful relationship.
(13:08):
And even just as a friend to so many people
in my life that have gotten divorced or whatever, or
a guy they like or whatever, trying to like a
guy because they've been alone for so long. She's like,
I just don't want to even kiss him. I was like, well,
what what are you doing now? Yeah?
Speaker 3 (13:25):
Like okay, why away? Yeah, like walk away exactly. Well,
you know that's it. I mean, I was like, because
here's the thing is like, it's so misunderstood too, because
we don't know, Yeah, we don't know what even makes
good sex or why we get turned off from people.
How you have longevity, and so I've literally become a
student of it for twenty years. And it's like I
(13:46):
went back to grad school and I got my doctor
in human sexuality.
Speaker 1 (13:48):
I was going to ask you about that, Okay, Okay,
so you did.
Speaker 3 (13:51):
So when I started, yeah, the first of the first
few years, it was like, Wow, I'm going to help people,
Like we're going to like we're going to get this
information out there. I want to liberate the conversation around sex.
There shouldn't be so much pain and suffering and taboo
around it, because when we talk about it and we
come together as a community, we can actually help heal
each other. We can help each other. I Mean the
(14:12):
only conversations I had heard of then is like did
you have sex with them?
Speaker 2 (14:14):
Did you not have sex with them? Wasn't good?
Speaker 1 (14:16):
Was it bad?
Speaker 3 (14:17):
But they're really My friends were like, oh my god,
had crazy sex last night.
Speaker 2 (14:20):
And I used to always stop them and be like
back up, like what does that mean?
Speaker 3 (14:23):
Right?
Speaker 2 (14:23):
Can you explain it to me? What does great sex mean?
Speaker 3 (14:26):
And it was always so different people, or always early
on in the relationship, and I just really kept drilling
down to try to understand what is the importance of sex,
because you're right to your point. You know, we have
relationships with everybody but the people. Like otherwise, you could
live with someone, but if you're not having sex with
they're just your roommate or your children or your parents.
But when the sex comes into it, that's the intimacy.
(14:46):
And So through all these years, and I'm still always
learning because it's always changing, you know that we really
it was so shrouded in mystery for so long, and
I think we're just finally starting to realize that women
deserve pleasure. We should understand our bodies. A lot of
sex that we have is based on men's desires and
not on female desires. Shocker right, exactly like everything we do,
(15:09):
like even medications and healthcare. Like they used to just
look at women and feel like women are like small men,
they could take pills like men can.
Speaker 2 (15:16):
It's like, no, we are very very different humans.
Speaker 3 (15:18):
But you know, so like the clitterist wasn't even in
the medical journals until nineteen ninety eight.
Speaker 2 (15:24):
So it's like all these things, so I just continue
to unpack it and I just you know, I love it.
Speaker 3 (15:29):
I want people to you know, how people prioritize their
pleasure liberating in the conversation because there's so much shame
around sex too, because people in relationships are like, I
don't know what's wrong, I don't know how to talk
about it, so people don't.
Speaker 2 (15:39):
Talk about it.
Speaker 3 (15:40):
So that's been the mission and it's but it's been,
you know, a journey like starting a podcast in two
thousand and five about a podcast which no one's ever
heard of, and talking about sex in two thousand and
five was a wild ride. But it was something that
I just knew, you know, when you know, I'm like,
I don't. I know it's hard, but I just know
it's gonna work.
Speaker 1 (15:56):
So and I think, you know, I mean, you're helping
so many people, I mean, are so do most of
the people that come to you, obviously outside of the podcast,
but in your practice, like couples or individuals.
Speaker 3 (16:14):
Everybody, couples and individuals practice Rachel at all.
Speaker 2 (16:18):
Yeah, eight ages. No, I have to I don't practice
at all. I have to say.
Speaker 3 (16:22):
I mean I did, honestly on my on my friends. Yeah,
I did on my friend my friend kids. Oh, but
then it's couples, it's women, I mean, my audience. So
my podcast is so interesting because since the beginning, Rachel,
it's been split men and women. It's always been fifty
to fifty, right, and people always think it's all women,
But it's men too because men.
Speaker 1 (16:41):
No, it's men. I sent someone to you. I sent
someone to you recently. I said, you need to call
my friend Emily because I can't help you with this.
I'm like, I can try, but I can only so
Like I guess what I'm saying is like, I think
some people only want to talk about it. Some people
won't even mention it. I think generationally, our parents.
Speaker 2 (17:05):
Would never very different.
Speaker 1 (17:07):
Never are you kidding say the word sex in a room? What?
Speaker 3 (17:11):
Like?
Speaker 1 (17:12):
Ye a way? I mean my parents are very liberal,
so they would. I used to find crazy books around
my house. It made me throw up. But like you know,
I mean, you never want to know anything about your parents.
Speaker 3 (17:22):
It's ever Oh well, well, I mean that's what I'm
trying to change you, because our society is so like that.
But if you normalize it and you start talking about
a young age more than just like the birds and
the bees talk, then it becomes less weird and less
But but we're not there yet. There's literally only one
place in the Netherlands like in Amsterdam, they talk about it,
they start teaching sex ed when kids are like pre
(17:43):
verbal about consent in their bodies.
Speaker 1 (17:46):
But we're a locally there.
Speaker 2 (17:47):
But my people I talked to it is like all
my friend's kids, all my friends, like you said in
your friend to me drops a bomb and he at
a party. Clearly it's been a problem for him if
he's telling you.
Speaker 3 (17:56):
But like my brother called it and he's like, he's like,
some friend of mine just said she hasn't you know
she's having problems.
Speaker 2 (18:01):
It's a baby. Can I give her your number?
Speaker 3 (18:02):
I'm like sure, because there aren't that many people you know,
really talking about where else do you go? And it's like,
if you think about it, if we have problems in
any area of our life, we have an expert to call.
Like you got a toothache, you know, you call your
a dentist, or you have something your knee bread, you
call your you know, knee person whatever they're calling again,
your knee doctor. Yeah, this huge, or the priece they
get or the police cert it. But with sex, it's
(18:24):
like and it's so multi layered because early on, like
people like I want to quick fix, what's the toy
what's the position, what's the loop? But sexual health is
part of your wellness. If you're Bret, if you have
you know, confidence issues, you're on a certain medication, you know,
all these things are going to impact sex.
Speaker 1 (18:39):
So it's it's complex, but that's really interesting. Actually I
want to talk about that because I think mental health
I think has really I think now talk about sigma.
I think I think mental health is the thing people
are most talking about. So it's very interesting what you're
saying at Like, what a link it is because me
(19:01):
being a psych major, and I always argue the point
that I've been practicing every day since because being a
stylist for my whole adult life, boy, that's a that's
a psychiatric experience, so psychological experience. But I think we're both.
But I do want to just talk about that because
(19:23):
I think that what you're doing has changed the game.
I think it's helping really desigmatize, normalize, democratize, you know,
the conversation. I know you know Gwyneth and Goop, and
I know you've you've been on there a bunch, and
I think all of these things, but I think you're
now going on like today's shows and talk shows and
(19:46):
like being on morning television, and I think that it's
amazing and I wanted to have you on the pod
because I feel like so much so many of the
women I talk to, you know, they're game changers in
a lot of different fields, and I feel like you've
obviously really changed the game here the conversation. And I
remember when I first met you. I mean, I'm pretty
(20:06):
sure we were talking about sex within five minutes, and
I was like, this is so funny, because like anyone
who knows me is like, Rachel talked about sex, like what?
And I think it's again. I think it because growing
up you're sort of like, ladies don't talk about that, right,
And not that my mom was like you need to
sit straight and walk like a certain lady. It was
just sort of I think it was considered to not
(20:29):
be okay or classy to do such a thing. Yeah,
and I think it wasn't. And I think now it's
more intelligent and less trashy and more I don't know.
I think it's just I think it's becoming normal, you know,
I think it's becoming normal twenty years it is, right,
and they are talking about it at a young age
(20:52):
in school, they're starting in third grade for sure. So amazing.
But you think that this is really impacting mental health? Right?
Speaker 2 (21:01):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (21:02):
Absolutely?
Speaker 3 (21:02):
And here's the thing is that it's confidence and it's
so I wrote this book last year called Smart Sex,
How to Boost your Sex Like you and Own your Pleasure.
And I realized when I was writing the book that
it was all my best tips because people coming for
tips and there's twenty years and then I realized that
it's so whatever someone so a lot of on my
podcast un Sex with Emily, people call with questions Today.
Speaker 2 (21:22):
I get hundreds of questions.
Speaker 3 (21:23):
A day, and I realized that when they asked me
a question, I have to kind of go through this
like these five In my mind, I would go through
these five pillars, like how how in your body? The
first was like embodiment, like are you in your body
during sex? Or are you leaving the room? Are you fantasizing?
Speaker 2 (21:38):
What's your health like?
Speaker 3 (21:39):
If you're not moving your body, you're not in a
healthy place, you're not eating great foods. That's also going
to impact your ability to feel aroused and turn on
if you're stressed. Do you know the three biggest killers
of our sex drive are stress? Trauma and shame, Like
if you're stressed and anxious, you got a spiking cortisole.
It literally cannot live with being turned on? Yeah, can's
each other all day? You're like, why can't I get
(22:01):
out in the bedroom. It's like, because you actually are stressed.
So they're just knowledge that people don't realize. Then the
first one, Yeah, so your health and wellness, your health
and that it's your collaboration. How well do you communicate
about sex? So most people Rachel, never talk about sex,
like we're saying, and then they don't certainly don't talk
to their partners about it. So then they expect their
partners a mind reader and they should know what they want.
Speaker 2 (22:20):
So I you know.
Speaker 3 (22:21):
And the next one is self knowledge, like how well
do you know yourself? Like I had to realize I
know that there's certain times a day, maybe world I
want sex. A lot of times I don't, and people
assume that I'm like having sex all the time.
Speaker 1 (22:32):
No, I'm like anyone else that's like me get stressed
and changing twenty times a day?
Speaker 3 (22:36):
Hell Rachel, Well no, Hell, I'm like, are you kidding?
Like I do not want sex? In fact, I know
what I do What I do know is I know
how to handle it when I don't. I know when
and I want it when I don't. What has to
be happening, Like if it's cold in the house, there's
no way. If it's past ten o'clock in the weekday, no,
you know what I'm saying, I sit down the barrier.
Speaker 2 (22:56):
But people make assumptions.
Speaker 1 (22:57):
It's just that No.
Speaker 2 (22:58):
I know how to help people and help myself.
Speaker 3 (22:59):
Just literally think about It's like food, Like if you
go to somebody and you're like deciding where to go,
You're like, I know that I don't like the food here,
but I like it here.
Speaker 2 (23:09):
Same thing with sex, but we just never think.
Speaker 3 (23:11):
About it because we just think it's it's like this
mysterious closer eyes and for the best. It's like you
have to It's like I help people kind of crack
the code on that so they could be their own
best advocates for what they want. It is related to
mental health because if we're depressed, if we're anterest not
feeling good in our bodies, all the things, which is
a lifetime journey. By the way, you never get to
all five pillars and feel like now I'm the most
(23:34):
sexually intelligent person out there's just a way to understand
where you're at and then how to connect more with
yourself and with your partner.
Speaker 1 (23:41):
But yeah, on journey, so fascinated, it's so it's it's
so impressive, honestly, and fearless in a lot of ways,
because again, like I think anyone who can demystify and
open up the you know, conversation but really make it
(24:03):
like every day. I mean, I think it's it's not easy.
It's not easy to do, you know, but yet it's
the thing that everybody needs to talk about.
Speaker 3 (24:13):
They need to Yeah, they do. They feel better. Like
that's the thing about listening to the podcasts. People will
say to me, Oh, my boyfriend and I were driving
on a twelve hour road trip and we listen to
your podcast the whole time, And I was like, that
seems like a lot of time listening to my boy
But it's because if you listen a few times, it's
going to normalize it. You're like, oh, she talks about
it like, you know, Sonny with a chance of war
gas and you can do that.
Speaker 2 (24:33):
We can talk about it. That's not a problem.
Speaker 3 (24:35):
So yeah, I have to normalize it. But the whole business.
Like I'm an entrepreneur like you. That part has not
been easy. You know, I've been doing this for on
my own, Razor, you know, buy the bootstraps. Building a
brand a business around it has been you know, that's
a journey for sure.
Speaker 1 (24:49):
And how many books do you have, Emily? Now you
have more than one?
Speaker 2 (24:52):
No, I have two bucks. I have two buffs, yes, And.
Speaker 1 (24:55):
Can you tell our listeners what they're called, because I
think everybody's going to run out and grab it after.
Speaker 3 (25:01):
Once called hot sex, one's called hot sex, and one's
called smart sex.
Speaker 1 (25:07):
I'm pretty sure all the dudes are buying hot sex. Yes, exactly.
Speaker 2 (25:12):
It's good.
Speaker 3 (25:12):
It's actually pictures. It's great. It's like it's ten years old.
It was time for another book. It's like a lot
of pictures. I'm like, don't even you don't.
Speaker 2 (25:19):
Have to read, just see what to do. That's we
all need tips, Rachel. We never got tips or we did?
Are we watch porn?
Speaker 1 (25:25):
We just figured it out, girl, just figured it out.
Speaker 2 (25:29):
It's no different.
Speaker 1 (25:29):
It's better though, Yeah, I mean yeah, but I mean something.
I think probably a lot of people ask you or
would want to ask you, how do you suggest in
this day and age. And I know you don't have
your own kids, but I know you're around a lot
of kids and love kids, but a lot. How what
(25:50):
is your best sort of advice on how to talk
to kids? What age? Or does it vary based on
your like? What what is your like? Give me your
your thoughts on because I think that is the real
struggle for parents, because the Internet now has pretty much
done all the work, and not in a good way.
Speaker 2 (26:13):
Yeah, no, I'm with you.
Speaker 1 (26:14):
I'm with you.
Speaker 3 (26:15):
And so here's the thing I love you ass is
now that all my friends have teenagers and kids. This
is like I spend a lot of my time figuring
this out. So and I'm is that well. First, the
biggest challenge why it's so hard for parents is because
we haven't quite well. First, we were never having sex education,
and we've got issues around it too. We're like, maybe
(26:35):
we have shame around it, or maybe we grew up
in a religious upbringing where it wasn't okay, and so
we have to figure out why we're uncomfortable.
Speaker 2 (26:42):
With it too. But it's also okay.
Speaker 3 (26:44):
So, like the best way to start with your kids
is to say, you know, and your kids are twelve,
and minors just thirteen and just ten just thirteen ten. Okay,
so it's like, yeah, we got to start. So it
would mean like when you are watching something on TV.
For example, Let's say you're watching something and you see
(27:05):
something and you it's like using social media or using
media to ask them a question.
Speaker 2 (27:11):
So let's say you're watching.
Speaker 3 (27:12):
There's a relationship, and let's say there's a couple that
kisses or something happens, and you're like, you could stop
the TV and be like, so, what do you think
of that relationship?
Speaker 2 (27:19):
What did that make you think? Do you guys have
any you know, what do you think? Yeah? And then
just just you start, even though they're young and they're like,
oh gross or whatever they do.
Speaker 1 (27:27):
I said to me, Mommy, that's how you made me right,
Like when they kiss, That's how you and Daddy made
me right. And then and then you just pushed me
out and I came out with a big smile. Yep,
that's exactly what happened. And I looked at each other.
(27:47):
But but Skyler, funny enough is like I know everything, Mom,
don't worry.
Speaker 2 (27:54):
They don't know.
Speaker 3 (27:55):
I mean, because what they're learning the mechanics, But so
you use examples and you say, yeah, well, you know,
there's a little more to it than that, would you
like to you know, and then you just sort of
it has to be do you want to know?
Speaker 2 (28:06):
Do you want to know?
Speaker 3 (28:07):
Know what happens? You know how I have a vagina
and your dad has a penis? I mean, I know
it sounds like.
Speaker 2 (28:13):
But you just give it to the eight.
Speaker 3 (28:14):
You give them the information at the age is like
commensurate with their age, and you just continue to listen
and you ask questions and you use things, and so
when they say something like that, you could say, well,
let me just tell you actually what happens, but you
don't have to judgment around it. You just sort of
keep going and you could even say, you know, what's
so cool right now is that my parents didn't talk
to me about it because it was you know, it
(28:35):
was a different times. I'm learning too, I'm figuring out
the best way to parent you on this because i
want you to have all the information. But even at
this age, talking and about puberty, like letting them know
what to expect that you might have, you know, you
might start to feel at night, start to feel, you know,
your your penis gets harder, you'll have a dream or
this thing will happen. I know, but you have to
(28:56):
be like, that's totally okay, and just you know, if
you you have a question about it, you can ask
me about it. But I want you to be expecting
that it's because you have hormones and your body starts
to change at this time and you might be having
these thoughts and I just want you to feel okay,
And you have to bring it up often, like it's
like not every day, but the more repeated you are
(29:17):
and the more you normalize it, the more comfortable they're
going to feel to ask you questions. And if you
don't know the answer, it's okay to say let me
get back to you on that.
Speaker 2 (29:25):
But I'm so glad you asked me.
Speaker 1 (29:27):
I did that once with my little one because he
asked it such a young age, and I was like,
what do you want to know? You know? And we
kept it. Yeah, we kept it light, We kept it,
We kept it light. I think I went to an
animal reference. I think because they're really into animals and
they know animals and they understand that. So I was like, okay,
(29:50):
and then I was like, let me know when you
want to know more, you know.
Speaker 2 (29:55):
Like yeah, but sometimes they don't know.
Speaker 3 (29:58):
So it's kind of like like a lot of we
talked abo about their periods, right, which like girls will
start for developing breasts and you know boys, you could
say to them, you know that you might have a
growth spurt, or you might you know, have a penis
that grows, or your voice changes.
Speaker 2 (30:13):
You know, sometimes they have wet dreams.
Speaker 3 (30:15):
You could say, you might get I have wet dreams
and this might happen in your sleep. But you just
are giving them the facts and you're just saying this
things could be happening. I want you to know that
it's totally normal and you can ask me anything about it.
But the problem is on is we don't know the
questions to ask. Like my mom always said to me,
you know, if you have any questions about sex, ask me,
And much like your son, I was like, oh, I
know it all, but we really, you know, we don't
(30:36):
know what we don't know. So they might ask them
like why don't I have you know, puba carry out?
You can Everyone develops at their own time, so it's
just you can hit me just anytime.
Speaker 1 (30:46):
I was like, or if you're lucky enough to know Emily.
You just pumped them to Emily too.
Speaker 2 (30:51):
But I would love it. I talked to my nieces.
Speaker 3 (30:54):
I was literally on a zoom last week with my
niece and like twenty five of her friends in college
like her is.
Speaker 1 (30:59):
Like the thing in the whole entire I love it.
Speaker 3 (31:03):
I pull out my vulva puppet and I'm like, you
know that's right behind me. I'm like, because they don't know,
I'm like, Okay, here's your vulve, like this is your
clear and I'm showing them and that I have the penis.
Because they all want to know how to please their partners.
I'm like, okay, but this is your vagina. They all
look different, I literally do. And I'm like, they're like
aunt Emery out.
Speaker 1 (31:24):
Just navigating.
Speaker 2 (31:25):
No, no, they really they don't want to look between
their legs.
Speaker 3 (31:29):
Women are grossed out. And here's a proble with women.
We are so disconnected from our bodies that we walk
around like we hate my bodies. My thoughts a rubbing together.
I forgot, And then we're like, but we think that
we should just get into the bedroom and feel amazing
and know what to do if we don't spend the
time being our own best.
Speaker 1 (31:47):
Well I want it, okay, So I don't want to
take all your time, but I want to just ask
one more thing. What what is the most common issues
that you're presented with? Like what what are people constantly
like wanting you to talk about, like for women in
their like forties or fifties, Like, is there like I
guess what I'm saying is like in relationship podcasts or
(32:09):
or just in general and counseling or anything else. It
seems to be there is a mid life crisis, right,
Like that is a very real thing, right, And whether
that's forty, whether that's fifty, whether it's fifty five, but
I would imagine and just from like the people in
my life. Yeah, there is common threads as too. Okay,
(32:31):
sex drive don't you hear down I just hear a
lot of like disinterest. There's a lot of medications people
are taking freight like anxieties and different things, and that
obviously I'm sure you know this better than anyone impacts
sex drips. So I think I'm curious sort of what
the most common threads are that people come to like
(32:52):
females like age guys. I mean, I can sort of
figure that one out. But like I think i'm.
Speaker 2 (32:57):
Girls, so like women.
Speaker 3 (32:59):
Yeah, women want to know, yeah, why they're not as
turned on anymore, why that, Yeah they're libido, they don't
want to have sex as much, and they get older, perimenopause, menopause,
they want to know why they're just like dry everywhere
and why they don't yeah feel great or waking and
all these things happen. So really I'm a big advocate
for HRT or hormone replacement therapy for a lot of women.
(33:22):
There was a lot of There was actually a really
you know, bunk study that came out in the early
two thousands that said that it was bad for women
to take estrogen, for which many many years before that
women were so for the last twenty years, women were
not getting this relief that they need because they were
told that it was directly really the cancer. But we
have found out now that it's really not. It's really
safe for most women to at least take vaginal estrogen
(33:45):
because it doesn't really transfer as much into your body,
but you could just use it. So anyway, I tell
women to also if you're on a medication or you're
on an antidepressant that is going to impact your sex drives.
So I think that what we find is later in
life is that this is always the case, to be honest,
because I hear from women in their twenties like I
moved with my boyfriend two years ago, and now I
(34:05):
don't want to have sex. So that's my challenges that
my listeners are all ages. You ask me, like, they're
literally eighteen to eighty five. Wow, and they're all ages.
And I think because it's so mysterious and we don't
we never really like understand all of it. So I
think in all ages, it's like you get to decide
what actually sex means to you. And the other thing
is that so much of sex again is for was
(34:28):
based on man a male's pleasure, like procreation. You can
only have sex in this one position, but that's the
position that actually doesn't feel the best for most women,
and women don't have as much pleasure that way. So
I just asked women, like, figure out what you actually
like by a vibrator, be okay not having sex as
often too, Like there's no like sex police, it's gonna
(34:49):
knock on your door and be like I hear you
only having sex once a month, like what's wrong.
Speaker 1 (34:53):
Your husband, your husband, your boyfriend.
Speaker 2 (34:56):
Well then we exactly.
Speaker 3 (34:57):
Well then you got to say, like this is actually
what I need to feel. And that's what I tackle
my book, like figure out what you if you still
think that sex is important, because some people are like
I'm done, I'm out, I've had enough.
Speaker 2 (35:08):
I actually don't ever need it again.
Speaker 3 (35:10):
But if you're like, no, I'm really curious on how
I could start to like it again or start to
get into it, then then I've got tons in my
book what I talk about all the time, Like you
got to break it down into it's not just one thing,
Like I could give you a million positions and toys
and loops, but at the end of the day, it's
an inside job.
Speaker 2 (35:26):
Sure, you know, like everything so figuring it so layered.
Speaker 3 (35:30):
It's so layered it is, and so you know that's
I'm so glad you're having me on talk about but
also like yeah, I mean it's but.
Speaker 2 (35:37):
It's it's so layered. But it's it's been a it's
been a journey.
Speaker 3 (35:40):
They're also just being you know, having the business around
it too, and trying to it's amazing figure out how
to help more people when there's still so much shame
around it, like even the world is opening up to it,
but there's still like sponsors or brands or like I'm not.
Speaker 2 (35:52):
Going to touch it. Yeah, so so there's still shame.
Like some parties people collect. You can tell when you go.
Speaker 3 (35:56):
To a party, like like people go to dinner party
and there's like half rooms like I have a question,
and the half rooms like leaving the room because they
don't want to talk to you about right, It's like
the fronting.
Speaker 1 (36:06):
So that's so wild, but yes, it's it's absolutely one
percent true, and I think getting less. So you know,
even just saying the word vagina was like a thing,
you know what I mean, like really definitely, like if
someone's saying on television, no, no, hell no. But somehow
penis is susceptible. It is.
Speaker 3 (36:27):
When I started, I couldn't say it anyway. I was
do television and radio, like you can't say it. You
can't say peens, vagina, you can't say master. But they
were like nothing on the radio, and you couldn't on
TV and the morning shows like you can't, like you
can come on, you have to say intimacy. You know,
it's like you say, now they are they let me
bring vibrators on.
Speaker 2 (36:44):
It's I know, it's the only day.
Speaker 1 (36:48):
Get it Emily.
Speaker 2 (36:51):
Long enough, ry long enough, people are ready for you.
Speaker 1 (36:54):
I guess yeah, Well, I love having you on. You're
such honestly really are such a game change, and I
love that you do this. I think so many people
are grateful that you do this. I think many people
are grateful and cult followers of sex with Emily, And
I think you're really important for young people, older people, yes,
(37:15):
but I really think that young people really need to
really need you the most, honestly, because it is this
weird thing. It's this weird thing. It's a weird thing
to talk about. It's still this very like she's a slut,
he gets all the girls, Okay, what is a slut? Like? What? Okay?
Why is she slut?
Speaker 3 (37:34):
Like?
Speaker 1 (37:34):
All the things right, and and then it's sort of
like what does that even mean? And what should we
be doing? And how is it you know, really hard?
How can it be respectful versus trashy? And how you
know all all the things. So I think that's a
whole nother layer and a whole nother book for you
just saying.
Speaker 3 (37:50):
Yeah, no, it is Rachel and I have to say
that is my greatest passion right now is talking to
young people. And I do these little programs. So the
problem is, though, parents, you have to teach kids about sex. No,
you have to get parental signature to.
Speaker 2 (38:06):
Get to sign up for eight yep, so eighteen and over.
Speaker 3 (38:10):
Though, like I do these little boot camps for women
before they go to school and college like women and
I and I've done that the last few years, just
kind of tell them what they need to know, and
I go round to college campuses and so really though,
at the end of the day, my because this is
like our future of these youth that need to know.
So I that is something I'm developing right now, developing
a course. And if anyone's listening and they're interested, like
(38:31):
they can just you know, email me DM me. But
we are developing a course for parents and for kids,
because I know it's awkward. I'm like, yeah, just tell
your kids about this. It's not fucking easy. So I'm
not I'm not like, yeah, just do this, turn.
Speaker 2 (38:44):
Off the TV.
Speaker 3 (38:44):
It's just it's so because parents again have to work
through their own stuff. Like I'm literally not there's very
few people who are doing what I'm It's why it's
so interesting because they're all coming up against it now,
be like, what the hell do I do? So I
know that I'm I'd love to tell parents just like
take this course and create and also get there.
Speaker 1 (39:01):
I also think kids don't want to necessarily talk to
their parents, and then they also don't want to sit
there in a classroom with their peers, so.
Speaker 2 (39:11):
Les, what do you do?
Speaker 3 (39:14):
And then they might find porn on their phone and
you don't know they found poor And I think that
sex like.
Speaker 2 (39:19):
That is not sex.
Speaker 3 (39:20):
That is a start of the movie that was created
by a man for a man, and it's scripted, so like, no,
that's not sex. So the problem is when kids are like, well,
what if that's not sex?
Speaker 1 (39:29):
What is?
Speaker 2 (39:30):
And then they're like how do I explain this? So
I'm on it, Rachel, I'm on.
Speaker 1 (39:33):
It's good.
Speaker 2 (39:34):
I'm developing programs. But I love it. Really it's a problem.
Speaker 1 (39:38):
Yeah, Well, I'm grateful for you. This was so much fun.
I love what you're doing. And I'm obviously everybody knows
what you're doing. All right, you guys, everyone sex with Emily.
You gotta listen, you gotta check it out. And got
her new buck, got her new book all right Love. Thanks,
have an awesome day and a great week. Thank you
(40:03):
so much to Emily for being on Clembian Hills. Truly,
her work to destigmatize sex and change the conversation around
it is so important. Yes, for us, I think as
adults of any age. To me, I think even more
so for young people because I think just the way
we all grew up was like, don't talk about it,
(40:24):
don't mention your private parts, don't mention this different nicknames
for all your body parts, and don't talk about it
in school, don't mention it to your friend, definitely don't
say that around your dad, you know, that kind of thing.
And I think that ultimately, to Emily's point, I think
it really impacts your mental your emotional health, and just
your confidence in yourself, how you carry yourself. And like
(40:44):
I think, similar to the way that I've always approached
fashion and style and people's fear of it, you know,
and the way that I truly believe it affects your confidence,
I believe it's the same here, honestly, And I think
the more that we normalize it, the more we really
lift the stigmafit, say, the words, talk about it in
a room, and make it normal. I think the more
(41:06):
relaxed and normal it will be, and the less weird
and the less invasive and the less scary to everybody.
So I want to thank you all so much for
listening to Climbing and Heels. If you haven't already, please
subscribe to the show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, the iHeart app,
or wherever you get your podcasts so you don't miss
a single episode this season. It's going to be so good.
(41:28):
And be sure to follow me on Instagram at at
Rachel z Oh and the show at Climbing Inhalepod for
the latest episodes and updates. I will talk to you
all soon. Wow.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!