January 11, 2023 • 41 mins
Is “eleganza” a beautiful bug’s name? Is a “death drop” just what happened to that teenager that fell down my hole? In this episode you’ll learn about Human Drag, with help from comedians Nathan Pearson (Secure The Gag), Chris Burns/Fat Carrie Bradshaw (Middle Children), and me, a giant worm.
ABOUT SARAH SMALLWOOD PARSONS:
Sarah Smallwood Parsons is a queer comedian and artist in NYC, best known for hosting Characters Welcome (100k+ YouTube subscribers) and her viral video “The Song in Every Musical That No One Likes” (3M views). Check out her TV pilot Forgotten Animals and follow her everywhere @sarahsmallwoodparsons
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Hi, yes, Hi, come in short, but just hurry. I
can't find Bowen. What where is he? I don't know, Okay,
I thought, hurry. I I think I think I think
that there's rats. There's rats all around, okay, but there's
(00:25):
rats screwing around in the entire building. Specifically, there are guys.
I went by your house to pull up. I've been
shooting the rats in the building all day. Why you
left your apartment because no one was at your apartment.
I've been in the building all night, shooting these rats
(00:45):
to death. Firearm, always over a firearm. We both own guns.
You gotta get a gun. There are amazing shooting rangers
in Burbank. You have to go well, get a gun.
I will. This place is a fested with rats. Can
I get your welcome? That would be nice? Thank you? Yes,
(01:07):
I'm sorry, that's what I just my mom. I need
to start cleaning up the dead rat carcasses and the
blood on the walls. And can we just relax first,
have a red bull? Okay, sugar free. Just chill. It
seems counterintuitive to relax and have a red bill. I'm
just saying, you don't know what. I don't want to
(01:29):
be held in insubordination again, So I will drink my
red bill mildly put it mildly to call it insubordination. Guys,
I'm real, I'm gonna lightly sit my bread bull this time.
I'm not going to gulp it. Okay, that's fine, as
long as you drink it and relax. And there's just
been there's all sort of infesting creatures around. I can, can,
(01:54):
I can? I can? I be honest? Always were your
best friends. Don't ever order a hickory for arms cheese
basket again that you should order me? Who who? Who?
Does those pairs David something Harry and David Harry and
David instead that might have led to the rest infants stations.
(02:16):
And also that falafel that we we never we never
took We never took it out because we were so
excited about how successful the series was that we got
sidetracked and never took the I think our fault. But
this is what I want to say, in my honesty,
I don't know how much longer I could do this.
The office is falling apart, there's rats everywhere, there's blood
(02:38):
on the walls. Okay, Well, to further what you're saying,
I took. I took such a wild swing with this
next one. Yeah. We were actually given the note um
to keep it up by the trades. So I hope,
even if it's a big swing, I hope it's good. Better,
be better, be good, keep up in all caps caps
(03:02):
from the trades. Hollywood reporter said, all caps, keep it up,
and they never say that. Are we talking variety? We're
talking variety. We're talking all the trades. Angelino Magazine, the
stuff they put in hotels, We're talking Emmy magazine. Even
Emmy Magazine is weighing in. I saw I was on
(03:24):
a commuter flight from Buffalo two um, Syracuse. Why that's
a short flight. None of your business? Okay, how to
make a delivery for someone? All right? Whose name will
not be because anyway they're very close. Of course, we
(03:50):
got a great mention from the in flight American Airlines magazine,
commuter flight. That's what I'm trying to say. That's huge.
That's even bigger than trades. Will you do? So you've
earned this big swing? Now? What is it? All right?
I wouldn't feel as adventurous as I'm feeling if it
wasn't handled by this person. Okay, who tell Us Smallwood,
(04:16):
Sarah Smallwood Parsons like very James Bond Smallwood Sarah Sarah Parsons,
Sarah Smaller Parsons talent. She has created a wonderful little
show on the Surface with Bethelsda. Listen to this. Bethelsda
(04:38):
is a huge worm like creature that lives at the
bottom of a deep muddy hole. Tries to make sense
of the disgusting world above with the help from human
experts and her sidekick, a cool teen that fell down
her muddy hole. Join in as they just gus on
(05:01):
the surface with Bethel's This is a really big swing.
But I will say Sarah Smallwood Parsons who for those
of you who don't know in this room in my office,
She's a queer, redheaded cat mom who roller blades and
co host the show Characters Welcome in the City of
New York. She was a new face at the Juster
Lass Festival. Very prestigious, a resident at above average and
(05:22):
a soprano in college a cappella group. Unfortunately sopranos happy
the highest high sopranos happy. Yeah, what's the highest note
you can hit? The G flat? What is the G Flatly? Gee? Oh,
(05:45):
he went right to g flat. There is that flat?
He walked right up to flat. You have to sort
of you know the trick. He's amazing technique. Oh my god,
don't look at my eyes. Let's just still work. Is
(06:09):
it supposed to make you cry? I don't know how
to feel, but I guess that's music and art to comfort.
It's been a long day. It's been a long day.
There rats everywhere. You're covered, and you're covered in blood.
It's not just this this office that's infested. We got
this creature on the surface with that's now perfect. Behold.
(06:43):
I am Bethelzda, a giant worm like creature that lives
at the bottom of a muddy hole. And this is
my podcast on the Surface, where I try to make
sense of the world above with help from human experts
and my sidekick, a cool team that fell down my
whole cool teen say something I missed the sun. We'll
(07:06):
get used to a pal. Today's topic drag. What is it?
Where is it? Is it contagious? Hopefully we'll find out
from our guests. Up first, from his podcast, Secure the Gag,
Nathan Pierson. Nathan, thanks for being here, well, thank you
so much for having me. This is my first worm cast. Wow,
(07:30):
well this is my second human related cash so you're
in good company. And from the podcast Middle Children, please welcome.
Chris Burns a k a. Fat Carry Bradshaw. Chris, how
are you? I'm I'm so well. Bethezda, I want to say, um,
is that a Bethesda? It's Bethelzda and I am offended
(07:52):
Bethelsda with an hell, oh got it? Thank you. It
won't happen again. Bethesda's where I go for Thanksgiving with
my Yeah. I have some friends from the Potomac area
as well. Chris Nathan, this is uh. I know I
intrude them, but this is cool teen. They're a scene
that fell down into my hole. Who tells me that
they were very very cool on the surface. Oh yeah,
(08:17):
unbelievably cool. You wouldn't freaking believe how cool I freaking
was up there, man, Really, what part of the surface
were you from? I listen. I was from the suburbs
and I was freaking cool. Man. I ran that called
the sack up and down. Oh. If you wanted a
girl's number, I had it. If you wanted a video game,
(08:40):
I would get it out of the library. I was
so freaking cool man. Well suburbs called the sack words.
I don't understand. You're not missing much. You're not missing much. Yeah,
the coolest kids get video games from the library. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
that's certified true. You know what I'm learning already and
I can't wait till learn more. So today's topic is dragged. Now,
(09:03):
when I think of drag, I think of what I
do with my big, slimy body when I need to
get to the other side of the whole me too.
Oh perfect, So is that how you would define drag
as well? Not in so many words, I guess. I
mean sometimes, yes, that is how I would describe drag,
But I think the general term would be kind of
(09:23):
dressing or performing in a traditional woman style, traditional woman style. Now, Nathan,
would you agree with that, Yeah, I would, I would agree.
I would add to it that broadly, it's the performance
of gender. Yeah. Interesting. Yeah, the world up there obsessed
with gender famously. Um, you know, we don't have gender
(09:44):
down here. We all just identify as big old mud freaks.
So yeah, that's how I identify myself. Actually, oh my god, perfect, Well,
I'm kidding. I forget that. You don't get sarcasm as
a worm. Oh okay, yeah, no, famously, I am a worm.
My is the size of a sesame seed. Joe, you know,
dumb it down for me. Um, okay, well great, um
(10:07):
let's see. So, Chris, you sometimes are what's called a
drag queen. Now, is that like a queen insect where
the drag queen spends every day like relaxing while the
regular drags pleasure her and bring her gifts. Well that's
the hope, but um, not quite currently in my life,
I'm one of I guess, a worker queen, and then
(10:30):
the big drag queens just generally that would just be
like uh, I guess, like a royal person or like
a very famous person. So maybe someday, um, I'll be
at the level where other drag queens will mill about
for me like a Rue Paul level would be other
drag queens do all the work for her god a
(10:52):
god at Rue Paul. That's definitely someone I definitely know.
I don't know what that is. That's basically are you
familiar with like bees? Yes, so I guess it would
be like similar to a queen bee, and then the
other drag queens are like worker bees, Chris, have you
talked to a worm before? Because you're really explaining this stuff. Yeah.
The dating apps up here are riddled with them, absolutely
(11:14):
dating apps. I'm gonna have to I've heard slightly about daily.
I'm going to have to have some other experts in
on that. Now. Nathan, let's go over to you. You
work for a show called drag Race. Yeah. Yes, Unfortunately,
I'm very unfamiliar with human sports. All I know is
mud clout. I'm sure you've played mud clot Can you
explain drag Race? Yeah? Yeah, Chris mentioned RuPaul, who is
(11:37):
the most famous I would say drag queen of our
time right now. So, imagine a queen bee in a
hive had a reality competition show where other queen bees
competed to be the best queen bee in a variety
of challenges. That's not like a very chaotic hive. Chaotic hive,
but there's a prize at the end too, And I
feel like there's probably a prize in the hive. I'm
(12:00):
sure you're familiar. I mean, I do love a prize,
you know what. I gotta be honest, I'm still kind
of lost. So why don't we just hop into our
first segment that I call what in the mud? Is this? Alright?
So here's how it works. Okay, I'm gonna present you
with a series of words related to drag. I've been
(12:20):
told these are related to drag. I will take a
guess at what they mean, and then you'll correct me
if needed. Cool, cool, perfect, Okay, great? So first up, Okay,
we've got lips sink Um. Okay, I'm gonna say this
is when you pass out, face down after a long
game of mud clot and your lips sink into the mud?
(12:41):
Am I close? Um? Not that close, to be honest,
No mud clot is involved, unfortunately, Well depending if you
get creative enough, I guess maybe it could. So what
is the sinking of the lips? Uh? Do you have
music down there? Oh? Yeah, definitely, we got a band
down here. My favorite band a dung beetle that pushes
(13:03):
a little ball with a bell in it. It's pretty good.
It's very rhythmic. It's definitely very constant and incessant. That's
what I'll say about the dung beetle with the bell.
Cool teen, you'd rather listen to? Who's that artist your
obsessed with? Eminem? Eminem? What year did you fall down
the whole manch just a few months ago, and they're
(13:24):
allowed to leave as soon as they get me out
of this hole. Anyway, let's move on to this next
vocab word, death drop. Okay, great, we're on topic. This one,
I'm pretty sure is what happened to cool teen when
they were walking and texting in the woods, except unfortunately
they survived. Is that right, cool Teine. That's how you
fell down here. That's how I fell on here. I
(13:45):
don't know if I would say unfortunately I survived, but
I definitely, Uh, that's what I was doing. I was
looking at my phone. I wasn't paying attention, just like
my parents always said. And next thing I knew, Oh,
I was thunking hard into you at the bottom of
this whole parente. I wish I had those Let's kick
it to Nathan. Nathan, is that what a death drop
(14:05):
is or how would you define it? Yeah? Do you dance?
I've been known to, you know, flap my two ins
together from time to time, but human dancing I'm not
super familiar with. Yeah, so at death drop is a
is a move? Is a dance move? Okay? Popularized in
the ball scene. But we don't have to get into that,
(14:26):
but it's a very popular choreographed dance move that drag
queens do where they just kind of drop dead, like
they look like they kind of just like lose everything
in their body, just fall down into like a split.
You'd be great at this. Oh yeah, I would just
reenact what happened when I fell on here, But I
will say, um, I am good at what is famously
(14:48):
the coolest move to do it a school dance, and
you'd like this. It's called the worm. Okay, to sounds defensive,
but go ahead and describe it to me. Well, I
would just kind of, you know, undulate my body on
the grounds over and over, kind of like a worm,
and then all the ladies would flock to my sides
(15:10):
because it's famously very cool. Al Right, that does seem
exactly like what I do, so I guess I can't
be offected by that. No ladies down here, though, No,
some day one'll fall in, one can hope. All right,
let's move on to this next road. Gab word, this
is a mouthful or a butt full, because sometimes I
can't tell my mouth from my butt. Uh eleganza. Weirdly,
(15:31):
that's my sister's name. She's a regular sized worm, kind
of the favorite of the family. You know what I'm
talking about as a middle child there Christmas? Yeah, of
course Eleganza. Is this a name? It can be. I
guess anything can be a name. The interesting thing is
when you ask for a definition of something like Eleganza,
it's hard to um kind of define for me personally,
(15:56):
I agree, it's one of the you know, when you
see it, it's it's it's it's it's script or with
positive connotation. Okay, would you say my whole is Eleganza?
I have to see it first. Uh, you're here, dumb, dumb.
I'm just kidding. Oh, your whole, in the whole, I'm
in your asshole. I'm in your asshole. Thank you. Okay,
(16:17):
I guess I should be more specific about what whole
I'm talking about. Hold their end, But we gotta know
which one it is. Ohs are in good to know.
Let's let's get on over to this next volt cab
woord this one. Okay, So this is camp, which I
believe is where bless you. Wow. Let me explain. Sometimes
(16:39):
if I wiggle around too much, air gets trapped in
my body and it will sort of come out. I
don't know if humans do anything like that, but yeah,
I know the same thing happens to me. Oh my god.
Perfect well I planned that that wasn't an accident alright,
So camp okay, No, I believe this is where cool
teen ran away from right before they fell in my hole.
(17:01):
Why did you run away from camp again? Coutine? Oh yeah, well,
you know it's a complicated story because we were sitting
around the bonfire and telling scary stories and one of
the more loser kids at the camp got a little
scared and pete in their pants. So naturally, as one
of the cooler kids, I went off into the woods
looking for another pair of pants for this poor kid.
(17:22):
So I do have to interject, where were you buying pants?
We don't sell pants in the woods up here. I
don't know. Well, that's why I was looking at my phone.
I was looking at the Google maps trying to find
the TJ Max. Coutine. You said that you went to
the pants store in the woods. That's what you told me. Oh,
I must have hit my head when I fell. You
said it was called TJ Pants. T J Pants, Yeah,
(17:44):
I'm confused. Well, there is a TJ Max so so
maybe that is where he got them. Yeah, well let's
let's what is camp to humans? Or did I get
it right? Well, you actually did get the definition of
the word camp part right. There's different definitions. So I
can say yes and I'll let Nathan um give I
(18:06):
was gonna say, I'll let Chris get this one. So like,
it's also something that you know when you see um.
For example, I might interpret camp as you being a
giant worm covered in mud. If you were to show
up to a red carpet, it would be very camp.
(18:26):
I'm camp. I am camp. Yeah, it's it's big, it's
out there, it's different, it's new. Yeah, that's that's it.
That's it's also like self referential, so like if you
were known for something and then you did it again
later and like added some pizzas to it, Like how
(18:46):
I'm known for trying to escape the whole, but I
try a different way each time. I always fail. Similar
yeah over time. Yeah, yeah, if you created that into
some sort of a design. Okay, we're a confession. Yeah. Interesting,
Well I famously don't wear clothes because I am a
big giant worm. Well that's camp. Oh, nudity is camp.
(19:07):
I'm writing this down nudity. Hold on, I have to
write it with my basically, yeah, I got it, oh yeah,
but also has the right via mouse because the whole
no arms thing. So I tried butthole once do not
go well. Let me tell you try again. You have
to have to try again. There are a lot of
people who try it once. You have to try it again.
(19:27):
It feltastic, but it was allegible. It's like coffee. It's
an acquired taste coffee. I've never tried coffee, alright, got
down as well. You'd love coffee. You would love coffee
a little too much. I think that would not bode
well for me if we had a coffee maker down here.
You've had coffee. You're a coffee drinker. Cool teen, Oh boy,
(19:47):
I was always getting a cold brew at dunkin Donuts.
That's the coolest restaurant. And you know, to be honest,
I would only drink a few SIPs because after that
it would start interacting with my HD medication, which you
know is pretty sick. Oh yeah, you're a d h
D medication stands for annoying, down and the hole. Help me.
(20:11):
I'm down in the hole. No, like you know, what
This isn't a vocab word about drag, So we're gonna
get back to the drag vocab. Okay, all right, so
we got this next one. Um okay, busted. Now this
is what I yell at cool teen when I catch
them snooping around in my stick collection. Busted It means
no and drag. Busted is someone who is not put together,
(20:33):
looks a mess. Someone who's a little bit uh, isn't
as skilled at the craft of drag, looks like half fast.
So when cool teen fell down the hole, you probably
thought that they looked busted. I mean, yeah, they were.
They had definitely pissent sh it themselves. Then they threw up.
(20:53):
Then they ate a snack that they had in their pocket,
immediately threw up again. I said, like, why did don't
eat the snag? You're gonna throw up? And then I
threw up. Yeah, all dirt. It was a rough night,
but we went back and forth throwing up until we
finally introduced ourselves. Yeah, well, it sounds like you pissed
your pants before you even got down the hall, so
that doesn't surprise me. No, I think it was the impact.
(21:15):
I think it was the impact of the fall pushed
the piss out pretty sure? Oh, I thought you would
said that you pissed yourself and you were looking for pants?
Was someone else pissed themselves and I was looking for
pants for them as a good samaritan? You know what, listeners,
do we think the fall pushed the piss out or
does cool team just pissed themselves all the time? Go ahead,
(21:36):
and I don't know if we're gonna have a common section.
To me, it sounds like a little of this, a
little of that that sounds like a song. We were
talking about music. Um okay, okay, okay, okay. We only
got a couple of more ties. Uh oh, This one
called kicky to me, this is the sound the bird's
make when they dive down and try to eat me
(21:56):
and then realized they've made a terrible mistake. They gokay kiki?
Is that the name that's what it's based off of. Actually,
kiki is the sound of two like chickens going kikikikikikiki,
And it's basically like a slang for when two queens
or gays get together just to like chat, and it
sounds like kikiing. So you do that one. We need
(22:17):
a soundboard with a celebratory sound. We'll put it in here.
This is kind of like a ki ki if you will.
This is a ki okay, kikiki. We're kicking absolutely. It's
also a name, so careful, yeah, a popular name on
the surface, Kiki interesting, all right, don't look out for
(22:40):
cake each let's see. Oh last one that I have.
It's just a no tea, no shade story of my
life and high noon. I got to bury myself from
the murderos I end up fried and flat and I'll
probably die. Is that a no tin no shade? I
don't think I would say no tino hade after explaining
(23:01):
what I was going to do to not die. No
tino shade is when you give like an unsolicited opinion.
I guess would be the best way to describe it.
If I was like, no tin, no shade, you go ahead.
Oh okay, Well, I don't want to be rude. No,
try to come on. I'm trying to I need human
experiences here, but like, okay, so um, no tin no shade.
(23:24):
The best thing about being a worm is being small
and going unnoticed. So like, you don't have any benefits
of being a worm out Okay, wait else, young teen,
I have one for you like no tin, no shade,
but you could probably bathe because you smell like piss
and ship. Yeah yeah, that's no tea and no shade
(23:46):
because I definitely need a bath. We we just have
to wait for the rain. It's it's an unfortunate situation. Oh,
no tin, no shade. I like all of you very much.
Did I do it right? No? No to bad cole Jeane.
Do you have any you want to throw out? Any
last woke have words before we move on? Yeah? Um,
you know this is something my uncle says when he
(24:08):
doesn't want to play with me anymore. But I'm sure
he got it from somewhere else, Sasha away, is your uncle?
Is your uncle homosexual? I don't know. To me, he's
just an uncle. I haven't really envisioned him as a
person outside of our relationship. What other kinds of things
does he say? He says, honey, what, honey? What? I
(24:29):
like that. I'm gonna write that down. Yeah. Yeah, you
have a gay uncle and he gives me money. He
gives me lots of money every holidays. Yeah. Maybe maybe
you are a cool teen, After all, you have a
gay uncle who's ritch Wow, I'm learning more about myself
every day. You know, this is making me think I
got to explore my sexualitymore. Famishly, worms are amaphroditic, so
(24:50):
we have both. We have all kinds of organs going on,
and they're just a mishmash of stuff. Yeah. I don't know.
I gotta figure out what I'm a trecked to do.
Is there any other Do you have friends? You know,
it's like, um, it's pretty much just me and coutine
down here. You know, I'm so big that I can't
really tunnel out anymore, So it's kind of kind of
(25:12):
hard to tunnel in. You know. You know someone's into that,
someone's into that. You know you'll find someone. Yeah, there's
a lid for every jar, you know, That's what they say.
It's a nice way to put it. I love that, Cootine.
Did you have any others before we move on? Uh? Yeah,
you know, at first I thought this was one of
Santa's reindeer, but then I don't think it is because
(25:34):
I listed them out. I do forget many things about
the service, but I do remember Santa's reindeer. But a bronzer. Um,
I don't think that is one of Santa's reindeer. Actually, yeah,
that's not one. It's not one, So what is it?
Bronze is a makeup used to contour? Yes, contour? What's contouring?
(25:55):
It's like to make your face look better than it does.
Ying makes it look like sharper, tighter, snatched, if you will?
How could I use brner on my long segmented body.
I'd go for a highlighter maybe instead. Okay. Yeah, contours
(26:15):
about making shadows. And it's already pretty dark in your hole,
so I agree. Yeah, we don't have any electricity going
down here, so you know it's kind of lights out
at six anyway, any more quoting, those are all mine,
Those are all my questions. I love that. Let's move
on to our next segment, okay, which I'm calling drug drug. Okay,
(26:40):
So here's how it works. Okay, I'm gonna give you
a few scenarios written by us and our listeners, okay,
and you two are gonna tell us whether it's drag
or not drag. Okay. I think this might help me
grasp drag a little more. Alright, So this first one
is putting on a share costume and lip sinking lips chicken,
(27:00):
do you believe in life after love? Drag or not drag?
Drag drag? Great, okay, great after a good stot. Okay,
when you cut all your Barbie's hair off and draw
a lipstick on her with a red magic marker, drag
or not drag? Is that something? Cool? Teen? You put
that in your right? I did. I slipped that one in.
(27:22):
I was just kind of wondering. No, that's not yeah,
I agree, not drag. What is it then? Is it
concerning behavior? Yes, that's precisely what it does. Okay, Oh,
it's like psycho stuff. All right? Yeah, well, you know
cool teen. If you can ever get me out of here,
maybe we can get you some professional help. There's a
third one, a cat in a hat drag not drag.
(27:47):
I'm gonna say that's drag, Chris, I'll agree with that.
I'm trying to think of different ways to see a
cat in a hat, and all of them seem like
dragged to me. And the cat in the hat that's drag.
That's drag. Okay. I'm not familiar with the cat in
the head, but he sounds very important. Yeah he is,
all right, Okay. Next one, this one, I don't know
(28:09):
who putition you put on a wig and pretend to
be human so you can be rescued and finally escaped
the whole to walk freely on the surface. Drag or
not drag? That's drag. Yeah, I heard a wig. That's dragan.
Putting on a wig to escape yourself. Yes, that is drag. Amen. Amen.
(28:29):
Maybe sometime you could come by and just like throw
a few wigs down here, you know, since since you
can get out and I can't, you'll stretch them out.
But maybe some old ones, which to me, well, it's
just your a large worm. And I'm I have a
petite head. Oh you got a little head. Yeah, famously,
I've got a small, small head. Well, good for you.
(28:51):
I'm kidding. I'm not mad at you. You do have
a beautiful small head. Thank you. I don't even know
where my head starts and begins, to be totally honest,
but you know there's a neck in there somewhere. Okay,
here we go putting your glasses on an inanimate object
so it looks like it's wearing glasses. Drag or not drag?
I would say, no, yeah, no, it's not living, it's
(29:14):
not Okay, that's crafts. That's crafts. That's something else that
might not be a part of drag, but it is
a crucial part of mud clot, can we agree, Absolutely,
a crucial crucial part of mud clock. It's the first
rule of mud clot. If there's an inanimate object, there
has to be glasses on it has to be Luckily,
people throw so many glasses down here, so many mostly
(29:36):
u Ukley. I don't know. They're kind of attack you
to me, but makes sense why they get tossed down there.
They must be the cool kids from the camp that
cool team came from. It might be. It might be.
You know, those kids unattended for months at a time,
they'll throw anything anywhere. They'll even get this, they'll even
throw rotten tomatoes at a cool kid like me. What
(29:58):
are you thinking? You know, that's just crazy. Yeah, that's all.
It's also sad. That's sad to hear that. Yeah, it's
sad for them. Sad for them for sure, that they'd
waste tomatoes like that. You know, I bet they're jealous, totally, Qualtine,
that's the kids just walk around with tomatoes. No, only
if they're attacking a loser. But oh okay, yeah, interesting,
(30:23):
I guess you just new some tomato lovers. Yeah, just
the kids who worked in the canteen or whatever it's
called making a mere and era. Anyway, anyway, we can
do the next one. We can do the next one.
All right, Well I just got one more. Okay. Uh,
his listeners submitted that voice you put on when you're
working in customer service drag or not drug. I don't
(30:45):
get this one. Show that's drag. That's drag. I'm gonna
stay Le's drag. Chris, Yeah, I guess under these circumstances
it's drag. We all do that voice, So I guess
at heart we all everyone has the ability to be
a drag queen in that sense of the word. This
is something everybody can do, even worms. Cool teen. Did
you have any scenarios? Yeah? Um, what about when you
(31:07):
put on your dad's shoes to go get the newspaper
out of the driveway? Is that drag? No? No, And
the flip version of that is putting on your your
mom's tiny shoes to go get the newspaper, which might
be dragged. Maybe that is drag, but actually I've talked
myself into agreeing with you. Okay, and uh, just one more,
(31:28):
what about when the football team dresses up as who
does waitresses for Halloween? Is that drag? Technically that's drag?
I guess yeah, because it doesn't feel like it's in
the spirit of the thing. You know. I think we
can say it's bad drag, bad drag. Is there? Yeah,
bad drag, bad drag, bad drag, And there's good bad drag,
(31:51):
but that's bad bad drag. Yeah? Yeah. Okay, So we
got drag, we got good drag, we got bad drag,
we got good bad drag. Do we have bad good drag?
Do have bad good drag? Can you give me an example?
I would say, like if someone's bad on drag race
it's bad good drag, or someone who's not unique yeah,
or copying someone else, like it's aesthetically good but it's
(32:14):
bad and it's core. Oh wow, I like this. Okay,
I think I think I might be getting it. I
think I honestly might be getting dragged. But let's go
into our last segment that I like to call with
those that dirty. Okay, So for this last segment, we
are going to and I quote read each other for filth. Okay. Now,
(32:36):
when I heard about reading fulfilled, it felt perfect for
me because obviously I'm filthy now reading as I understand
it is acceptable adult bullying. Yes, yes, exactly, how perfect? Okay,
let's let's get into it. Who wants to do the
first read? How about you? Chris? How many giant worms
(32:57):
does it take to screw in a light bulb? To
one to roll around in the mud with no arms
or legs and want to risk their life screw in
a light bulb with their mouth? I was good. It's funny,
but it's also mean. Yeah, well you don't have electricity.
I've been sitting in this hole for thirty three minutes.
(33:18):
I haven't seen even seeing you. I just hear the
voice playing a game I invented called Lamp, where I
pretend I'm a lamp. I stand up straight with a
light bulb in my mouth. It sounds like a fun game,
all right, Great, I gotta say it's not as fun
as mud clot lamp. Very boring game. I've got one, Nathan,
give me a read. Maybe the Felsa. I heard you
(33:40):
got a call back to play the sand worm in Dune.
You should be so proud, you know, parts for ugly,
disgusting giant worms are hard to come by these days.
I don't know what doing is with dead belt, mean
and fun and true? Oh what is? It's a movie
about giant worms. You might like it. Oh my, we're
gonna get cable down here we do? Do you want
(34:03):
one for cool teen? Yeah, let's do it? Hit me,
hit me? You know what? The only thing sadder than
a teenager falling down a hole is what a teenager
that nobody cares his missing falling down the hall? I
just I couldn't help, but notice that no one's I mean,
(34:23):
it's only like six ft down here, Coltine, are you
a book because you just got red? Baby Daddy? Can
I try one? I want to try one? Go go,
let me try. Okay. I don't think I know how
to work, but let me let me try. Okay. So up,
let's see which one do I want to start with?
Which one? Okay? Great? Uh? Rish? You know for someone
(34:45):
with so many appendages, it's surprising you can't hold a note. Well,
you've never heard me saying I know what was that? Good? Coltine?
Help me write it? It'd be good if I was
bad at singing. Are you good at singing? Well? I'm
not bad. You've never heard me saying can I have
a sample. Not today, not today, not the copyright infringement,
(35:07):
all right, of course I didn't mean that. I have
no idea what your singing voice is like, and I
do apologize if I've offended you. It's my first read. No,
it would be a good read. I'm just giving you
constructive criticism on the read itself. It's okay, we can't.
I'll be good at reading. You know. If you were
good at reading, we could call you a book worm.
That's a read. That was a good read, Chris, did
(35:27):
you have any more read? Let me see here? Knock knock,
who's there? Just kidding. I wouldn't knock on your whole
if you were the last creature in the universe. It's
actually probably a good thing that you don't live up
on the surface, because up there, kids like your little
side kick just cut you into pieces with a pocket
knife to see how long you'll squirm around. Oh my god,
(35:50):
see that's a read that got you both read. Oh
my god, I'm gagging. I'm gagging, which I'm actually told
gag is a thing too, is Yes, definitely, I think
you're gagging in both ways, the literal way and the
figurative way. Interesting. I love that, Nathan, you got another read? Do? Yeah?
(36:11):
You know they say the felista that you know, the
early bird catches the worm. Well that bird betty'd be
ready if it catches you to get hepatitis, syphilis and
gone area. Oh my god, what are those? I bet
they're good. What are they? I'm gonna say that they're
sexually transmitted infections? Do you know what? You're actually right?
(36:33):
I got I got cultures growing on me that I
got hepatitis agency if I'm being perfectly honest with you,
So yeah, you're actually you're spot on. That was great? Um,
cool team? Did you write reads? Oh? I got one?
I got one for our guests here. Oh you know what?
This feels like an episode a Queer Eye because a
(36:53):
bunch of gays came into this hole, insulted me, danced around,
and did nothing to fundamentally change my day, just life situation.
That is an incredible read. Yeah, thank you, that's how
reads are done. Oh man, It's just funny that one
of the teenagers from Euphoria came down the whole. But
instead of having intense I makeup or any friends, you
(37:16):
have mud in a worm and nobody looking for you
are broken. Man. I'm just thinking about the soundboard again.
You know, I'm gonna have a lot of fun with that. Look. See,
do I have any other reads? Okay, I got one
ready just for noticed, right, I do want for Chris.
I'm doing for Nathan. Hey, Nathan, you got a hot
(37:38):
dog's name? How was that? You got a name of
a hot dog? Were you named after a hot dog? Nathan?
Where are you going? Nathan? Where are you going? I
wasn't named after a hot dog. Um, so that's a
good one. That's a you got me, gal, you got me?
You look like a Nathan's hot dog. Ironically, boying, boying,
(38:03):
it rebounded back at you. Oh I needed some buns
to go between. You know, I've lived in a hole
in my entire life, and even I can tell that
I wouldn't want to date either one. Was that good? Yeah?
That was good. Yeah, that's good. That was good. Yeah
(38:23):
for living in such a deep hole. You really are
a shallow bitch, thank you. But that was the I
know that you know a lot of the things about
you being a bug grosses me out, but to be honest,
you being a giant worm has inspired me to want
to be a giant wasp, because then I could kill
you and myself with one. So that is the nicest
(38:48):
thing that's ever been said in this hole. I would
love to be killed by you. You know, I kind
of think of you as a child, you know, which
I think I've heard about on the surface, except know
the fact that you're like jerking off all the time
and like, you know, like being annoying and you know,
(39:08):
messing with my stuff and you know, trying to crawl
into my butt because you want to see what it's
like in there, and you know what's true, that's true. Well,
here's this. If I fell into a deeper hole inside
our hole, would you come looking for me a deeper
hole and shide our hole? This is this is really sad.
This is tough to be honest. I think I would
(39:30):
wait for another cool team to fall down the hole
and just replace you immediately, you know what I mean. Okay, Well,
good luck. Finding you on the tea is cool as me.
I guess, Oh, thank you that's nice for washing me luck.
Anybody else have a read that's important to them to say. No,
I just got really sad because I realized that you're
never going to turn into a butterfly. This whole time,
(39:51):
I was thinking you're a caterpillar, but you're just a
worm forever. I guess that makes you domes fuck? Was
that good? Was that to read? Well? Yeah, it's a
good read for someone that doesn't know what music is.
You know, I don't know what music is. Spot. Hey,
(40:12):
which long Invasion eats dirt? Chris's drag career? Zing zing zing?
I don't know what that means. It was, honestly, coote Yeah,
I thought you were describing your head and your ass.
Oh that's the joke, thank you. Hey, look at that
(40:34):
useless pilum out over there. Oh wait, that's just cootine.
Oh I'm so dirty? All right, anybody else got reads
or you know, it's almost getting dark here. It's you know,
just before sundown, so unless you want to sleep over, No,
(40:54):
I'm just gonna take the easy route up out of
this hole. Yeah, I'm gonna follow you, Chris. Do you
think me when you please? Please take me with you
to me? Okay, before you go, Before you go, do
you have anything to plug? Anything? To plug anything? You
want to plug this whole who's gonna say the same thing? Wow,
that's really really mean. Oh wow, christ names, and thank
(41:17):
you so much for being here. Uh cool team you
know here here and it is what it is. And
I love your sorta, love your sorta. I guess that's
our show. Still money, everybody. Your makeup is terrible. Your
makeup is salable. Your makeup is paler ball, your makeup
(41:44):
is salable. I love you anyway, salable s you want
makeup
Hi, yes, Hi, come in short, but just hurry. I
can't find Bowen. What where is he? I don't know, Okay,
I thought, hurry. I I think I think I think
that there's rats. There's rats all around, okay, but there's
(00:25):
rats screwing around in the entire building. Specifically, there are guys.
I went by your house to pull up. I've been
shooting the rats in the building all day. Why you
left your apartment because no one was at your apartment.
I've been in the building all night, shooting these rats
(00:45):
to death. Firearm, always over a firearm. We both own guns.
You gotta get a gun. There are amazing shooting rangers
in Burbank. You have to go well, get a gun.
I will. This place is a fested with rats. Can
I get your welcome? That would be nice? Thank you? Yes,
(01:07):
I'm sorry, that's what I just my mom. I need
to start cleaning up the dead rat carcasses and the
blood on the walls. And can we just relax first,
have a red bull? Okay, sugar free. Just chill. It
seems counterintuitive to relax and have a red bill. I'm
just saying, you don't know what. I don't want to
(01:29):
be held in insubordination again, So I will drink my
red bill mildly put it mildly to call it insubordination. Guys,
I'm real, I'm gonna lightly sit my bread bull this time.
I'm not going to gulp it. Okay, that's fine, as
long as you drink it and relax. And there's just
been there's all sort of infesting creatures around. I can, can,
(01:54):
I can? I can? I be honest? Always were your
best friends. Don't ever order a hickory for arms cheese
basket again that you should order me? Who who? Who?
Does those pairs David something Harry and David Harry and
David instead that might have led to the rest infants stations.
(02:16):
And also that falafel that we we never we never
took We never took it out because we were so
excited about how successful the series was that we got
sidetracked and never took the I think our fault. But
this is what I want to say, in my honesty,
I don't know how much longer I could do this.
The office is falling apart, there's rats everywhere, there's blood
(02:38):
on the walls. Okay, Well, to further what you're saying,
I took. I took such a wild swing with this
next one. Yeah. We were actually given the note um
to keep it up by the trades. So I hope,
even if it's a big swing, I hope it's good. Better,
be better, be good, keep up in all caps caps
(03:02):
from the trades. Hollywood reporter said, all caps, keep it up,
and they never say that. Are we talking variety? We're
talking variety. We're talking all the trades. Angelino Magazine, the
stuff they put in hotels, We're talking Emmy magazine. Even
Emmy Magazine is weighing in. I saw I was on
(03:24):
a commuter flight from Buffalo two um, Syracuse. Why that's
a short flight. None of your business? Okay, how to
make a delivery for someone? All right? Whose name will
not be because anyway they're very close. Of course, we
(03:50):
got a great mention from the in flight American Airlines magazine,
commuter flight. That's what I'm trying to say. That's huge.
That's even bigger than trades. Will you do? So you've
earned this big swing? Now? What is it? All right?
I wouldn't feel as adventurous as I'm feeling if it
wasn't handled by this person. Okay, who tell Us Smallwood,
(04:16):
Sarah Smallwood Parsons like very James Bond Smallwood Sarah Sarah Parsons,
Sarah Smaller Parsons talent. She has created a wonderful little
show on the Surface with Bethelsda. Listen to this. Bethelsda
(04:38):
is a huge worm like creature that lives at the
bottom of a deep muddy hole. Tries to make sense
of the disgusting world above with the help from human
experts and her sidekick, a cool teen that fell down
her muddy hole. Join in as they just gus on
(05:01):
the surface with Bethel's This is a really big swing.
But I will say Sarah Smallwood Parsons who for those
of you who don't know in this room in my office,
She's a queer, redheaded cat mom who roller blades and
co host the show Characters Welcome in the City of
New York. She was a new face at the Juster
Lass Festival. Very prestigious, a resident at above average and
(05:22):
a soprano in college a cappella group. Unfortunately sopranos happy
the highest high sopranos happy. Yeah, what's the highest note
you can hit? The G flat? What is the G Flatly? Gee? Oh,
(05:45):
he went right to g flat. There is that flat?
He walked right up to flat. You have to sort
of you know the trick. He's amazing technique. Oh my god,
don't look at my eyes. Let's just still work. Is
(06:09):
it supposed to make you cry? I don't know how
to feel, but I guess that's music and art to comfort.
It's been a long day. It's been a long day.
There rats everywhere. You're covered, and you're covered in blood.
It's not just this this office that's infested. We got
this creature on the surface with that's now perfect. Behold.
(06:43):
I am Bethelzda, a giant worm like creature that lives
at the bottom of a muddy hole. And this is
my podcast on the Surface, where I try to make
sense of the world above with help from human experts
and my sidekick, a cool team that fell down my
whole cool teen say something I missed the sun. We'll
(07:06):
get used to a pal. Today's topic drag. What is it?
Where is it? Is it contagious? Hopefully we'll find out
from our guests. Up first, from his podcast, Secure the Gag,
Nathan Pierson. Nathan, thanks for being here, well, thank you
so much for having me. This is my first worm cast. Wow,
(07:30):
well this is my second human related cash so you're
in good company. And from the podcast Middle Children, please welcome.
Chris Burns a k a. Fat Carry Bradshaw. Chris, how
are you? I'm I'm so well. Bethezda, I want to say, um,
is that a Bethesda? It's Bethelzda and I am offended
(07:52):
Bethelsda with an hell, oh got it? Thank you. It
won't happen again. Bethesda's where I go for Thanksgiving with
my Yeah. I have some friends from the Potomac area
as well. Chris Nathan, this is uh. I know I
intrude them, but this is cool teen. They're a scene
that fell down into my hole. Who tells me that
they were very very cool on the surface. Oh yeah,
(08:17):
unbelievably cool. You wouldn't freaking believe how cool I freaking
was up there, man, Really, what part of the surface
were you from? I listen. I was from the suburbs
and I was freaking cool. Man. I ran that called
the sack up and down. Oh. If you wanted a
girl's number, I had it. If you wanted a video game,
(08:40):
I would get it out of the library. I was
so freaking cool man. Well suburbs called the sack words.
I don't understand. You're not missing much. You're not missing much. Yeah,
the coolest kids get video games from the library. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
that's certified true. You know what I'm learning already and
I can't wait till learn more. So today's topic is dragged. Now,
(09:03):
when I think of drag, I think of what I
do with my big, slimy body when I need to
get to the other side of the whole me too.
Oh perfect, So is that how you would define drag
as well? Not in so many words, I guess. I
mean sometimes, yes, that is how I would describe drag,
But I think the general term would be kind of
(09:23):
dressing or performing in a traditional woman style, traditional woman style. Now, Nathan,
would you agree with that, Yeah, I would, I would agree.
I would add to it that broadly, it's the performance
of gender. Yeah. Interesting. Yeah, the world up there obsessed
with gender famously. Um, you know, we don't have gender
(09:44):
down here. We all just identify as big old mud freaks.
So yeah, that's how I identify myself. Actually, oh my god, perfect, Well,
I'm kidding. I forget that. You don't get sarcasm as
a worm. Oh okay, yeah, no, famously, I am a worm.
My is the size of a sesame seed. Joe, you know,
dumb it down for me. Um, okay, well great, um
(10:07):
let's see. So, Chris, you sometimes are what's called a
drag queen. Now, is that like a queen insect where
the drag queen spends every day like relaxing while the
regular drags pleasure her and bring her gifts. Well that's
the hope, but um, not quite currently in my life,
I'm one of I guess, a worker queen, and then
(10:30):
the big drag queens just generally that would just be
like uh, I guess, like a royal person or like
a very famous person. So maybe someday, um, I'll be
at the level where other drag queens will mill about
for me like a Rue Paul level would be other
drag queens do all the work for her god a
(10:52):
god at Rue Paul. That's definitely someone I definitely know.
I don't know what that is. That's basically are you
familiar with like bees? Yes, so I guess it would
be like similar to a queen bee, and then the
other drag queens are like worker bees, Chris, have you
talked to a worm before? Because you're really explaining this stuff. Yeah.
The dating apps up here are riddled with them, absolutely
(11:14):
dating apps. I'm gonna have to I've heard slightly about daily.
I'm going to have to have some other experts in
on that. Now. Nathan, let's go over to you. You
work for a show called drag Race. Yeah. Yes, Unfortunately,
I'm very unfamiliar with human sports. All I know is
mud clout. I'm sure you've played mud clot Can you
explain drag Race? Yeah? Yeah, Chris mentioned RuPaul, who is
(11:37):
the most famous I would say drag queen of our
time right now. So, imagine a queen bee in a
hive had a reality competition show where other queen bees
competed to be the best queen bee in a variety
of challenges. That's not like a very chaotic hive. Chaotic hive,
but there's a prize at the end too, And I
feel like there's probably a prize in the hive. I'm
(12:00):
sure you're familiar. I mean, I do love a prize,
you know what. I gotta be honest, I'm still kind
of lost. So why don't we just hop into our
first segment that I call what in the mud? Is this? Alright?
So here's how it works. Okay, I'm gonna present you
with a series of words related to drag. I've been
(12:20):
told these are related to drag. I will take a
guess at what they mean, and then you'll correct me
if needed. Cool, cool, perfect, Okay, great? So first up, Okay,
we've got lips sink Um. Okay, I'm gonna say this
is when you pass out, face down after a long
game of mud clot and your lips sink into the mud?
(12:41):
Am I close? Um? Not that close, to be honest,
No mud clot is involved, unfortunately, Well depending if you
get creative enough, I guess maybe it could. So what
is the sinking of the lips? Uh? Do you have
music down there? Oh? Yeah, definitely, we got a band
down here. My favorite band a dung beetle that pushes
(13:03):
a little ball with a bell in it. It's pretty good.
It's very rhythmic. It's definitely very constant and incessant. That's
what I'll say about the dung beetle with the bell.
Cool teen, you'd rather listen to? Who's that artist your
obsessed with? Eminem? Eminem? What year did you fall down
the whole manch just a few months ago, and they're
(13:24):
allowed to leave as soon as they get me out
of this hole. Anyway, let's move on to this next
vocab word, death drop. Okay, great, we're on topic. This one,
I'm pretty sure is what happened to cool teen when
they were walking and texting in the woods, except unfortunately
they survived. Is that right, cool Teine. That's how you
fell down here. That's how I fell on here. I
(13:45):
don't know if I would say unfortunately I survived, but
I definitely, Uh, that's what I was doing. I was
looking at my phone. I wasn't paying attention, just like
my parents always said. And next thing I knew, Oh,
I was thunking hard into you at the bottom of
this whole parente. I wish I had those Let's kick
it to Nathan. Nathan, is that what a death drop
(14:05):
is or how would you define it? Yeah? Do you dance?
I've been known to, you know, flap my two ins
together from time to time, but human dancing I'm not
super familiar with. Yeah, so at death drop is a
is a move? Is a dance move? Okay? Popularized in
the ball scene. But we don't have to get into that,
(14:26):
but it's a very popular choreographed dance move that drag
queens do where they just kind of drop dead, like
they look like they kind of just like lose everything
in their body, just fall down into like a split.
You'd be great at this. Oh yeah, I would just
reenact what happened when I fell on here, But I
will say, um, I am good at what is famously
(14:48):
the coolest move to do it a school dance, and
you'd like this. It's called the worm. Okay, to sounds defensive,
but go ahead and describe it to me. Well, I
would just kind of, you know, undulate my body on
the grounds over and over, kind of like a worm,
and then all the ladies would flock to my sides
(15:10):
because it's famously very cool. Al Right, that does seem
exactly like what I do, so I guess I can't
be offected by that. No ladies down here, though, No,
some day one'll fall in, one can hope. All right,
let's move on to this next road. Gab word, this
is a mouthful or a butt full, because sometimes I
can't tell my mouth from my butt. Uh eleganza. Weirdly,
(15:31):
that's my sister's name. She's a regular sized worm, kind
of the favorite of the family. You know what I'm
talking about as a middle child there Christmas? Yeah, of
course Eleganza. Is this a name? It can be. I
guess anything can be a name. The interesting thing is
when you ask for a definition of something like Eleganza,
it's hard to um kind of define for me personally,
(15:56):
I agree, it's one of the you know, when you
see it, it's it's it's it's it's script or with
positive connotation. Okay, would you say my whole is Eleganza?
I have to see it first. Uh, you're here, dumb, dumb.
I'm just kidding. Oh, your whole, in the whole, I'm
in your asshole. I'm in your asshole. Thank you. Okay,
(16:17):
I guess I should be more specific about what whole
I'm talking about. Hold their end, But we gotta know
which one it is. Ohs are in good to know.
Let's let's get on over to this next volt cab
woord this one. Okay, So this is camp, which I
believe is where bless you. Wow. Let me explain. Sometimes
(16:39):
if I wiggle around too much, air gets trapped in
my body and it will sort of come out. I
don't know if humans do anything like that, but yeah,
I know the same thing happens to me. Oh my god.
Perfect well I planned that that wasn't an accident alright,
So camp okay, No, I believe this is where cool
teen ran away from right before they fell in my hole.
(17:01):
Why did you run away from camp again? Coutine? Oh yeah, well,
you know it's a complicated story because we were sitting
around the bonfire and telling scary stories and one of
the more loser kids at the camp got a little
scared and pete in their pants. So naturally, as one
of the cooler kids, I went off into the woods
looking for another pair of pants for this poor kid.
(17:22):
So I do have to interject, where were you buying pants?
We don't sell pants in the woods up here. I
don't know. Well, that's why I was looking at my phone.
I was looking at the Google maps trying to find
the TJ Max. Coutine. You said that you went to
the pants store in the woods. That's what you told me. Oh,
I must have hit my head when I fell. You
said it was called TJ Pants. T J Pants, Yeah,
(17:44):
I'm confused. Well, there is a TJ Max so so
maybe that is where he got them. Yeah, well let's
let's what is camp to humans? Or did I get
it right? Well, you actually did get the definition of
the word camp part right. There's different definitions. So I
can say yes and I'll let Nathan um give I
(18:06):
was gonna say, I'll let Chris get this one. So like,
it's also something that you know when you see um.
For example, I might interpret camp as you being a
giant worm covered in mud. If you were to show
up to a red carpet, it would be very camp.
(18:26):
I'm camp. I am camp. Yeah, it's it's big, it's
out there, it's different, it's new. Yeah, that's that's it.
That's it's also like self referential, so like if you
were known for something and then you did it again
later and like added some pizzas to it, Like how
(18:46):
I'm known for trying to escape the whole, but I
try a different way each time. I always fail. Similar
yeah over time. Yeah, yeah, if you created that into
some sort of a design. Okay, we're a confession. Yeah. Interesting,
Well I famously don't wear clothes because I am a
big giant worm. Well that's camp. Oh, nudity is camp.
(19:07):
I'm writing this down nudity. Hold on, I have to
write it with my basically, yeah, I got it, oh yeah,
but also has the right via mouse because the whole
no arms thing. So I tried butthole once do not
go well. Let me tell you try again. You have
to have to try again. There are a lot of
people who try it once. You have to try it again.
(19:27):
It feltastic, but it was allegible. It's like coffee. It's
an acquired taste coffee. I've never tried coffee, alright, got
down as well. You'd love coffee. You would love coffee
a little too much. I think that would not bode
well for me if we had a coffee maker down here.
You've had coffee. You're a coffee drinker. Cool teen, Oh boy,
(19:47):
I was always getting a cold brew at dunkin Donuts.
That's the coolest restaurant. And you know, to be honest,
I would only drink a few SIPs because after that
it would start interacting with my HD medication, which you
know is pretty sick. Oh yeah, you're a d h
D medication stands for annoying, down and the hole. Help me.
(20:11):
I'm down in the hole. No, like you know, what
This isn't a vocab word about drag, So we're gonna
get back to the drag vocab. Okay, all right, so
we got this next one. Um okay, busted. Now this
is what I yell at cool teen when I catch
them snooping around in my stick collection. Busted It means
no and drag. Busted is someone who is not put together,
(20:33):
looks a mess. Someone who's a little bit uh, isn't
as skilled at the craft of drag, looks like half fast.
So when cool teen fell down the hole, you probably
thought that they looked busted. I mean, yeah, they were.
They had definitely pissent sh it themselves. Then they threw up.
(20:53):
Then they ate a snack that they had in their pocket,
immediately threw up again. I said, like, why did don't
eat the snag? You're gonna throw up? And then I
threw up. Yeah, all dirt. It was a rough night,
but we went back and forth throwing up until we
finally introduced ourselves. Yeah, well, it sounds like you pissed
your pants before you even got down the hall, so
that doesn't surprise me. No, I think it was the impact.
(21:15):
I think it was the impact of the fall pushed
the piss out pretty sure? Oh, I thought you would
said that you pissed yourself and you were looking for pants?
Was someone else pissed themselves and I was looking for
pants for them as a good samaritan? You know what, listeners,
do we think the fall pushed the piss out or
does cool team just pissed themselves all the time? Go ahead,
(21:36):
and I don't know if we're gonna have a common section.
To me, it sounds like a little of this, a
little of that that sounds like a song. We were
talking about music. Um okay, okay, okay, okay. We only
got a couple of more ties. Uh oh, This one
called kicky to me, this is the sound the bird's
make when they dive down and try to eat me
(21:56):
and then realized they've made a terrible mistake. They gokay kiki?
Is that the name that's what it's based off of. Actually,
kiki is the sound of two like chickens going kikikikikikiki,
And it's basically like a slang for when two queens
or gays get together just to like chat, and it
sounds like kikiing. So you do that one. We need
(22:17):
a soundboard with a celebratory sound. We'll put it in here.
This is kind of like a ki ki if you will.
This is a ki okay, kikiki. We're kicking absolutely. It's
also a name, so careful, yeah, a popular name on
the surface, Kiki interesting, all right, don't look out for
(22:40):
cake each let's see. Oh last one that I have.
It's just a no tea, no shade story of my
life and high noon. I got to bury myself from
the murderos I end up fried and flat and I'll
probably die. Is that a no tin no shade? I
don't think I would say no tino hade after explaining
(23:01):
what I was going to do to not die. No
tino shade is when you give like an unsolicited opinion.
I guess would be the best way to describe it.
If I was like, no tin, no shade, you go ahead.
Oh okay, Well, I don't want to be rude. No,
try to come on. I'm trying to I need human
experiences here, but like, okay, so um, no tin no shade.
(23:24):
The best thing about being a worm is being small
and going unnoticed. So like, you don't have any benefits
of being a worm out Okay, wait else, young teen,
I have one for you like no tin, no shade,
but you could probably bathe because you smell like piss
and ship. Yeah yeah, that's no tea and no shade
(23:46):
because I definitely need a bath. We we just have
to wait for the rain. It's it's an unfortunate situation. Oh,
no tin, no shade. I like all of you very much.
Did I do it right? No? No to bad cole Jeane.
Do you have any you want to throw out? Any
last woke have words before we move on? Yeah? Um,
you know this is something my uncle says when he
(24:08):
doesn't want to play with me anymore. But I'm sure
he got it from somewhere else, Sasha away, is your uncle?
Is your uncle homosexual? I don't know. To me, he's
just an uncle. I haven't really envisioned him as a
person outside of our relationship. What other kinds of things
does he say? He says, honey, what, honey? What? I
(24:29):
like that. I'm gonna write that down. Yeah. Yeah, you
have a gay uncle and he gives me money. He
gives me lots of money every holidays. Yeah. Maybe maybe
you are a cool teen, After all, you have a
gay uncle who's ritch Wow, I'm learning more about myself
every day. You know, this is making me think I
got to explore my sexualitymore. Famishly, worms are amaphroditic, so
(24:50):
we have both. We have all kinds of organs going on,
and they're just a mishmash of stuff. Yeah. I don't know.
I gotta figure out what I'm a trecked to do.
Is there any other Do you have friends? You know,
it's like, um, it's pretty much just me and coutine
down here. You know, I'm so big that I can't
really tunnel out anymore, So it's kind of kind of
(25:12):
hard to tunnel in. You know. You know someone's into that,
someone's into that. You know you'll find someone. Yeah, there's
a lid for every jar, you know, That's what they say.
It's a nice way to put it. I love that, Cootine.
Did you have any others before we move on? Uh? Yeah,
you know, at first I thought this was one of
Santa's reindeer, but then I don't think it is because
(25:34):
I listed them out. I do forget many things about
the service, but I do remember Santa's reindeer. But a bronzer. Um,
I don't think that is one of Santa's reindeer. Actually, yeah,
that's not one. It's not one, So what is it?
Bronze is a makeup used to contour? Yes, contour? What's contouring?
(25:55):
It's like to make your face look better than it does.
Ying makes it look like sharper, tighter, snatched, if you will?
How could I use brner on my long segmented body.
I'd go for a highlighter maybe instead. Okay. Yeah, contours
(26:15):
about making shadows. And it's already pretty dark in your hole,
so I agree. Yeah, we don't have any electricity going
down here, so you know it's kind of lights out
at six anyway, any more quoting, those are all mine,
Those are all my questions. I love that. Let's move
on to our next segment, okay, which I'm calling drug drug. Okay,
(26:40):
So here's how it works. Okay, I'm gonna give you
a few scenarios written by us and our listeners, okay,
and you two are gonna tell us whether it's drag
or not drag. Okay. I think this might help me
grasp drag a little more. Alright, So this first one
is putting on a share costume and lip sinking lips chicken,
(27:00):
do you believe in life after love? Drag or not drag?
Drag drag? Great, okay, great after a good stot. Okay,
when you cut all your Barbie's hair off and draw
a lipstick on her with a red magic marker, drag
or not drag? Is that something? Cool? Teen? You put
that in your right? I did. I slipped that one in.
(27:22):
I was just kind of wondering. No, that's not yeah,
I agree, not drag. What is it then? Is it
concerning behavior? Yes, that's precisely what it does. Okay, Oh,
it's like psycho stuff. All right? Yeah, well, you know
cool teen. If you can ever get me out of here,
maybe we can get you some professional help. There's a
third one, a cat in a hat drag not drag.
(27:47):
I'm gonna say that's drag, Chris, I'll agree with that.
I'm trying to think of different ways to see a
cat in a hat, and all of them seem like
dragged to me. And the cat in the hat that's drag.
That's drag. Okay. I'm not familiar with the cat in
the head, but he sounds very important. Yeah he is,
all right, Okay. Next one, this one, I don't know
(28:09):
who putition you put on a wig and pretend to
be human so you can be rescued and finally escaped
the whole to walk freely on the surface. Drag or
not drag? That's drag. Yeah, I heard a wig. That's dragan.
Putting on a wig to escape yourself. Yes, that is drag. Amen. Amen.
(28:29):
Maybe sometime you could come by and just like throw
a few wigs down here, you know, since since you
can get out and I can't, you'll stretch them out.
But maybe some old ones, which to me, well, it's
just your a large worm. And I'm I have a
petite head. Oh you got a little head. Yeah, famously,
I've got a small, small head. Well, good for you.
(28:51):
I'm kidding. I'm not mad at you. You do have
a beautiful small head. Thank you. I don't even know
where my head starts and begins, to be totally honest,
but you know there's a neck in there somewhere. Okay,
here we go putting your glasses on an inanimate object
so it looks like it's wearing glasses. Drag or not drag?
I would say, no, yeah, no, it's not living, it's
(29:14):
not Okay, that's crafts. That's crafts. That's something else that
might not be a part of drag, but it is
a crucial part of mud clot, can we agree, Absolutely,
a crucial crucial part of mud clock. It's the first
rule of mud clot. If there's an inanimate object, there
has to be glasses on it has to be Luckily,
people throw so many glasses down here, so many mostly
(29:36):
u Ukley. I don't know. They're kind of attack you
to me, but makes sense why they get tossed down there.
They must be the cool kids from the camp that
cool team came from. It might be. It might be.
You know, those kids unattended for months at a time,
they'll throw anything anywhere. They'll even get this, they'll even
throw rotten tomatoes at a cool kid like me. What
(29:58):
are you thinking? You know, that's just crazy. Yeah, that's all.
It's also sad. That's sad to hear that. Yeah, it's
sad for them. Sad for them for sure, that they'd
waste tomatoes like that. You know, I bet they're jealous, totally, Qualtine,
that's the kids just walk around with tomatoes. No, only
if they're attacking a loser. But oh okay, yeah, interesting,
(30:23):
I guess you just new some tomato lovers. Yeah, just
the kids who worked in the canteen or whatever it's
called making a mere and era. Anyway, anyway, we can
do the next one. We can do the next one.
All right, Well I just got one more. Okay. Uh,
his listeners submitted that voice you put on when you're
working in customer service drag or not drug. I don't
(30:45):
get this one. Show that's drag. That's drag. I'm gonna
stay Le's drag. Chris, Yeah, I guess under these circumstances
it's drag. We all do that voice, So I guess
at heart we all everyone has the ability to be
a drag queen in that sense of the word. This
is something everybody can do, even worms. Cool teen. Did
you have any scenarios? Yeah? Um, what about when you
(31:07):
put on your dad's shoes to go get the newspaper
out of the driveway? Is that drag? No? No, And
the flip version of that is putting on your your
mom's tiny shoes to go get the newspaper, which might
be dragged. Maybe that is drag, but actually I've talked
myself into agreeing with you. Okay, and uh, just one more,
(31:28):
what about when the football team dresses up as who
does waitresses for Halloween? Is that drag? Technically that's drag?
I guess yeah, because it doesn't feel like it's in
the spirit of the thing. You know. I think we
can say it's bad drag, bad drag. Is there? Yeah,
bad drag, bad drag, bad drag, And there's good bad drag,
(31:51):
but that's bad bad drag. Yeah? Yeah. Okay, So we
got drag, we got good drag, we got bad drag,
we got good bad drag. Do we have bad good drag?
Do have bad good drag? Can you give me an example?
I would say, like if someone's bad on drag race
it's bad good drag, or someone who's not unique yeah,
or copying someone else, like it's aesthetically good but it's
(32:14):
bad and it's core. Oh wow, I like this. Okay,
I think I think I might be getting it. I
think I honestly might be getting dragged. But let's go
into our last segment that I like to call with
those that dirty. Okay, So for this last segment, we
are going to and I quote read each other for filth. Okay. Now,
(32:36):
when I heard about reading fulfilled, it felt perfect for
me because obviously I'm filthy now reading as I understand
it is acceptable adult bullying. Yes, yes, exactly, how perfect? Okay,
let's let's get into it. Who wants to do the
first read? How about you? Chris? How many giant worms
(32:57):
does it take to screw in a light bulb? To
one to roll around in the mud with no arms
or legs and want to risk their life screw in
a light bulb with their mouth? I was good. It's funny,
but it's also mean. Yeah, well you don't have electricity.
I've been sitting in this hole for thirty three minutes.
(33:18):
I haven't seen even seeing you. I just hear the
voice playing a game I invented called Lamp, where I
pretend I'm a lamp. I stand up straight with a
light bulb in my mouth. It sounds like a fun game,
all right, Great, I gotta say it's not as fun
as mud clot lamp. Very boring game. I've got one, Nathan,
give me a read. Maybe the Felsa. I heard you
(33:40):
got a call back to play the sand worm in Dune.
You should be so proud, you know, parts for ugly,
disgusting giant worms are hard to come by these days.
I don't know what doing is with dead belt, mean
and fun and true? Oh what is? It's a movie
about giant worms. You might like it. Oh my, we're
gonna get cable down here we do? Do you want
(34:03):
one for cool teen? Yeah, let's do it? Hit me,
hit me? You know what? The only thing sadder than
a teenager falling down a hole is what a teenager
that nobody cares his missing falling down the hall? I
just I couldn't help, but notice that no one's I mean,
(34:23):
it's only like six ft down here, Coltine, are you
a book because you just got red? Baby Daddy? Can
I try one? I want to try one? Go go,
let me try. Okay. I don't think I know how
to work, but let me let me try. Okay. So up,
let's see which one do I want to start with?
Which one? Okay? Great? Uh? Rish? You know for someone
(34:45):
with so many appendages, it's surprising you can't hold a note. Well,
you've never heard me saying I know what was that? Good? Coltine?
Help me write it? It'd be good if I was
bad at singing. Are you good at singing? Well? I'm
not bad. You've never heard me saying can I have
a sample. Not today, not today, not the copyright infringement,
(35:07):
all right, of course I didn't mean that. I have
no idea what your singing voice is like, and I
do apologize if I've offended you. It's my first read. No,
it would be a good read. I'm just giving you
constructive criticism on the read itself. It's okay, we can't.
I'll be good at reading. You know. If you were
good at reading, we could call you a book worm.
That's a read. That was a good read, Chris, did
(35:27):
you have any more read? Let me see here? Knock knock,
who's there? Just kidding. I wouldn't knock on your whole
if you were the last creature in the universe. It's
actually probably a good thing that you don't live up
on the surface, because up there, kids like your little
side kick just cut you into pieces with a pocket
knife to see how long you'll squirm around. Oh my god,
(35:50):
see that's a read that got you both read. Oh
my god, I'm gagging. I'm gagging, which I'm actually told
gag is a thing too, is Yes, definitely, I think
you're gagging in both ways, the literal way and the
figurative way. Interesting. I love that, Nathan, you got another read? Do? Yeah?
(36:11):
You know they say the felista that you know, the
early bird catches the worm. Well that bird betty'd be
ready if it catches you to get hepatitis, syphilis and
gone area. Oh my god, what are those? I bet
they're good. What are they? I'm gonna say that they're
sexually transmitted infections? Do you know what? You're actually right?
(36:33):
I got I got cultures growing on me that I
got hepatitis agency if I'm being perfectly honest with you,
So yeah, you're actually you're spot on. That was great? Um,
cool team? Did you write reads? Oh? I got one?
I got one for our guests here. Oh you know what?
This feels like an episode a Queer Eye because a
(36:53):
bunch of gays came into this hole, insulted me, danced around,
and did nothing to fundamentally change my day, just life situation.
That is an incredible read. Yeah, thank you, that's how
reads are done. Oh man, It's just funny that one
of the teenagers from Euphoria came down the whole. But
instead of having intense I makeup or any friends, you
(37:16):
have mud in a worm and nobody looking for you
are broken. Man. I'm just thinking about the soundboard again.
You know, I'm gonna have a lot of fun with that. Look. See,
do I have any other reads? Okay, I got one
ready just for noticed, right, I do want for Chris.
I'm doing for Nathan. Hey, Nathan, you got a hot
(37:38):
dog's name? How was that? You got a name of
a hot dog? Were you named after a hot dog? Nathan?
Where are you going? Nathan? Where are you going? I
wasn't named after a hot dog. Um, so that's a
good one. That's a you got me, gal, you got me?
You look like a Nathan's hot dog. Ironically, boying, boying,
(38:03):
it rebounded back at you. Oh I needed some buns
to go between. You know, I've lived in a hole
in my entire life, and even I can tell that
I wouldn't want to date either one. Was that good? Yeah?
That was good. Yeah, that's good. That was good. Yeah
(38:23):
for living in such a deep hole. You really are
a shallow bitch, thank you. But that was the I
know that you know a lot of the things about
you being a bug grosses me out, but to be honest,
you being a giant worm has inspired me to want
to be a giant wasp, because then I could kill
you and myself with one. So that is the nicest
(38:48):
thing that's ever been said in this hole. I would
love to be killed by you. You know, I kind
of think of you as a child, you know, which
I think I've heard about on the surface, except know
the fact that you're like jerking off all the time
and like, you know, like being annoying and you know,
(39:08):
messing with my stuff and you know, trying to crawl
into my butt because you want to see what it's
like in there, and you know what's true, that's true. Well,
here's this. If I fell into a deeper hole inside
our hole, would you come looking for me a deeper
hole and shide our hole? This is this is really sad.
This is tough to be honest. I think I would
(39:30):
wait for another cool team to fall down the hole
and just replace you immediately, you know what I mean. Okay, Well,
good luck. Finding you on the tea is cool as me.
I guess, Oh, thank you that's nice for washing me luck.
Anybody else have a read that's important to them to say. No,
I just got really sad because I realized that you're
never going to turn into a butterfly. This whole time,
(39:51):
I was thinking you're a caterpillar, but you're just a
worm forever. I guess that makes you domes fuck? Was
that good? Was that to read? Well? Yeah, it's a
good read for someone that doesn't know what music is.
You know, I don't know what music is. Spot. Hey,
(40:12):
which long Invasion eats dirt? Chris's drag career? Zing zing zing?
I don't know what that means. It was, honestly, coote Yeah,
I thought you were describing your head and your ass.
Oh that's the joke, thank you. Hey, look at that
(40:34):
useless pilum out over there. Oh wait, that's just cootine.
Oh I'm so dirty? All right, anybody else got reads
or you know, it's almost getting dark here. It's you know,
just before sundown, so unless you want to sleep over, No,
(40:54):
I'm just gonna take the easy route up out of
this hole. Yeah, I'm gonna follow you, Chris. Do you
think me when you please? Please take me with you
to me? Okay, before you go, Before you go, do
you have anything to plug? Anything? To plug anything? You
want to plug this whole who's gonna say the same thing? Wow,
that's really really mean. Oh wow, christ names, and thank
(41:17):
you so much for being here. Uh cool team you
know here here and it is what it is. And
I love your sorta, love your sorta. I guess that's
our show. Still money, everybody. Your makeup is terrible. Your
makeup is salable. Your makeup is paler ball, your makeup
(41:44):
is salable. I love you anyway, salable s you want
makeup
Popular Podcasts
24/7 News: The Latest
The latest news in 4 minutes updated every hour, every day.
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com