January 25, 2023 • 52 mins
Would Cool Teen (Kate Sisk) make a good babysitter? Is “time out” just what our host dreams about from her hole? In this episode you’ll learn about Human Parenting from comedians Justin Tyler (Comic Book Club), Meg Shah (Mommy Pickles), and Bethelzda, a giant worm. Theme Song by Brooks Allison.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:11):
Behold. I am Bethseda, a giant worm like creature that
lives at the bottom of a muddy hole. And this
is my podcast on the surface, where I try to
make sense of the world above with help from human
experts and my sidekick, a cool team that fell down.
(00:32):
My whole cool team. Say something. I'm kind of missing
my previous life today. It would have from my ticks
in the wall of the hole, it would have been
my birthday. Well that's too bad anyway. Today's topic is parenting.
What is it? Where is it doesn't smell? Hopefully we'll
(00:54):
find out from our guests. First, from characters, welcome, don't
know what that is? Justin Tyler, Justin Diggs for coming
down to the hole. Pleasure. This is one of the
deeper holes I've ever been in. Pretty sweet to be here.
Thank you, Oh, thank you. That's very nice for me
to say. I'm blushing. And then from the Instagram Mommy Pickles,
(01:16):
We've got Meg Shaw Meg. We're psyched to have you here.
I am so excited to be here in a hole
with you. Oh, thank you, began I thought, yea brighter, Yeah,
you should see it though. When it's not high noon,
it gets dark in here real quick. Oh yeah, ten.
You know, the sweet spot is really between eleven fifty
(01:39):
and twelve ten. That's when this place really gets good lighting.
The rest of it not so much. But we make
two alright, so let's get into it. Uh, Meg, justin,
you're both parents. Justin you're a dad and Meg you're
a mom. Correct? Correct, Yes, that is correct. Not together,
not together, not together. We have separate, separate kids, separate kids. Wow,
(02:02):
this means literally nothing to me, but we'll figure it out.
You know, Um, how would you to define parenting? Well,
it's like, um, you're raising you have a kid, a child,
which is like a smaller version of you and your
partner mashed up together, up together. Absolutely, they're born, and
(02:24):
then you sort of raise them to be, um, how
you want them to be in the world. Okay, s
it's a very sort of narcissistic thing and people do
when they're obsessed with themselves. Is that it? Many? Yes?
I mean this cool teen is is a kid. Yeah,
it's like a cool teen is in the middle of
this metamorphosis from kid to adult. You have a parent?
(02:48):
Are you a child? You have parents? Cool tean, you've
never said anything? Oh, really you. Well, usually when i'm crying,
that's who I'm thinking about because I really miss them.
I'm what they call a change of life baby. So
my siblings are much much older than me. They have
families of their own. But yeah, I'm the youngest of seven. Wow. Yeah, Wow,
(03:08):
your parents were busy? Oh you Yeah. I don't know
what that means, but it sounds funny. Well, let me
tell you. I'm more confused when we started about this
parenting thing. So why don't we hop into our first
segment that I'm calling what in the bood? Is this? Alright,
(03:28):
so here's how it works. Okay, I'm gonna present you
with some words related to parenting. I'll take a guess
at what they mean, okay, and then you can correct
me if needed. Cool, cool, alright, great, let's get into it. Okay, alright,
first word we got here is crib. Okay, So to me,
this appears to be like a cage, similar to the
(03:51):
one the government tried to trap me into study me.
It's a long story. Is that what a crib is? Meg?
Is that a crib a good definition? I mean pretty much,
it's an enclosed space. You want to just make sure
your child doesn't leave, but it's usually by the child sleeps. Okay,
So it's like a baby jail for sleeping, but like
a nice jail. A nice jail, it has a roof
(04:15):
like it's open on the top, if that helps. It's
opened on the top much like a hole. It is
a bit like a hole. It is. It's like a
rectangular hole. All right, I can get down with that. Also,
I don't know if you guys know this, because I'm
not sure if you're up on the selang, but but
tells the crib is also a rapper's house. Wow. A
rapper can't wait to figure out what that is. And
(04:37):
oftentimes you you can put like a mobile above the crib,
which is like a little entertainment for the baby sleeping
in the crib. They can look up and see like
a little like moon going around or whatever. Wow. So
these babies are stupid, yes, pretty easily entertained and stupid. Okay.
Mobile is like a like a junior TV. And so
(04:58):
you you start them because they are a little less
said that they're dumb. They're just unfamiliar with the world. Useless.
They're developing, they're developing. Surely you were a young worm
that didn't know about all the deepest holes. Oh yeah,
you know you see so, I mean we'll say this obviously.
(05:18):
I know what worm babies are. Okay, I was a
worm baby. Worm babies are tiny, transparent threads about half
an inch long that you abandoned as soon as they're born. Okay,
I've made thousands of them. How's that different from human babies?
Everything is the same except the last part. You don't
abandon them. You keep that. Oh okay, but everything else
is spot on. Everything else is spot on. Sorry, I
(05:40):
don't know if this is true for for you. Where's
your baby transparent? Make when you because that would be
truly terrifying if you had an organ bag that you
brought home or like, look at this, it's our babies.
The baby. No, I mean, I mean this worm is
transparent from what I can see from here. So transparent
(06:02):
bombs have transparent babies. I have a baby that looks
like me. That's smaller. Oh right, right, okay, right, right,
right as what we said, yeah, you're making a little
little many, you many exactly. I would also say, from
the numbers perspective, seven is probably on the higher and
thousands is way beyond what humans are capable. Oh yeah, well,
(06:23):
you know, I mean I think I think cool team.
You said, I'm what you call a dead beef dad,
Is that right? Yeah, I did call you that. But
I know I'm learning. I'm learning from you as well
that you know, not all species are the same. So
I don't want to judge you too hard. Okay, that's
all right. I judge you all the time coding. Do
you connect with any of your offspring? You know, occasionally
(06:47):
we'll they'll they'll squirm through the hole and we'll do
a plate little wave. But for the most part, you know,
I can't really see what what I'm stuck in this
big hole. My body is too big to move through
the soil. So kind of a not fest down here.
But uh yeah, no, we're not close. I guess i'd
say cool teen is kind of the closest thing I
have to a child. Yeah, what a beautiful I didn't
(07:10):
realize the other extent of your relationship down here in
this in the mud. Yeah, it's been quite a long time.
I mean, it's interesting because but that was the it's
somewhat of a parent to me. But also but that
was that is like two years old. So in a way.
I'm sort of a parented but that was that. It's
very confusing. That's your worms only lived before. So I'm
a middle aged midlife crisis. Oh that sounds fun. I'm
(07:34):
going to write that down for a for a later
after show, Row row Fruit. So I have to write
with my mouth, don't have hand. But you know, parenting
is really a feeling, and I think it's it's how
you're feeling about the cool kid here. Do you feel loved?
You feel like you want to take care of them,
you want to make sure they've eaten. You're a parent,
(07:57):
I mean coutine. I've never expressed you how I feel
about you. I'm feeling a little bit vulnerable. I guess
I think of cool to eve. It's sort of a slave.
It's not allowed to leave. Yeah, that that lines up.
I guess I got to collect a lot of sticks
for but those the I I gotta figure out how
to get put those up out of this hole before
I'm allowed to leave. I say that tracks cool teen.
(08:19):
What are you eating down here? For me? I want
to try to parent you, because, like you know, I've
got my own stuff going. But well, this is a
bit of an uncomfortable topic. Actually, but you know, if
things fall in the hole, I'll eat them like a barrier,
a piece of grass. But you know this is sort
of uncomfortable. I uh, you know, I need some protein.
(08:42):
So you know, every once in a while, I'll dig
around in the slop and off I'll find a worm.
Oh what the fund? Did you just say? What the fund?
Did you just say? Code? Nothing? Nothing, I'll find a grub.
I'll find a grub. I'll find a grub, and I'll
and I'll eat a grub. Let me tell you, so,
think if another cool team falls down here, I Am
going to eat them in front of you. Okay, and
(09:04):
you're gonna have to live. Now, let's get back to
let's get back to the vocal. Okay, we've got a
little sidetracked. So we've got the second vocal word. Okay,
so here here we got the vocal word adopt. Okay. Now,
to me, this is when you grow as big as
your environment. Like how I became so giant because my
whole is so big. I adopted to the whole. So
(09:24):
is that is that the same in parenting? Adopt? Um? No? Um,
It sounds like you're adapting to the whole. But adopting
is sort of like when you, um, you sort of
bring a child into your life that wasn't there before,
that maybe was looking for a parent. So is this
when you steal a baby? It can that sort of
(09:46):
I mean the baby technically it doesn't know, so it
is without their consent. Yeah, okay, old fashioned adoption. Like
so adoption is where you non consensually steal a baby. Okay,
I'm glad, we're clear. Lotta take a baby, take a baby. Great,
if we can correct one thing. It's take a baby,
not steal you take the baby. Okay, absolutely, Well it's
(10:08):
like how cool teen adopts one of your transparent babies
and eats them. As we just learned moments ago, you're
eating your baby. Yeah, you eating your baby, not me.
I'm not eating my babies. All right, I'm twice as confused.
Let's move on to the next polk I word. Okay,
So next we got, oh, this is a dirty deaper? Okay,
now this one I know. Okay, this is a song
(10:31):
I used to sing when I was little. Everyone a
little something like, oh dirty deaper. She was a slug,
she was dirty and had no love. She ate some shot.
It's no one's fault anywhere. You all know the rest.
I want bother finishing it. So would you say that's
the same for human as a dirty deeper? Meg? Absolutely
not not even clothes. Okay, but we are familiar with
(10:54):
that song. That's a very famous lullaby. We we humans
sing to all of our children lullaby that it's a
good word. Lullaby is where you say like you're like bye,
you say goodbye to your kid for the night because
they go to sleep and you have a fucking break,
just so beautiful. No one's ever explained it that way.
(11:14):
Maybe at the end today we'll a lullaby, both of you.
It sounds like a threat when you say it, but okay,
I'm gonna lullaby the living crap out of you, Josepon Meg.
What's a dirty dep okay? So a dirty diaper? Diaper
is you know how babies are small and they don't
have all their muscles develop, so they can't really go
to the bathroom, right, So we attached the bathroom to
(11:37):
them in a way. So there's a little pad like
thing which we stick on their you know area. And
I've made this gross and dirty. It's not it's very cute.
And then they just be in the diaper and they
pope in the diaper, and if it's a poop diaper,
you call it a dirty diaper. You're telling me, sure
they wear short of a apper, that is to catch
(12:00):
their pep and poopoos. What we're saying exactly, Well, we
could really use those down here sort of shopping wherever
there's a spot you know, yeah, yeah, it's filling up.
Where would you discarded discard it? Well, normally you dig
a hole. So I hate to tell you, Meg, we're
in the discard right now. Oh yeah, we're in the diaper. Essentially,
(12:24):
I recognize my son's poop smell. Oh okay, oh so
so human poop also smells. That's good to know. It's
a great equalizer, you know. That's yeah. You look around
and you see how we're also similar in the stink
that comes out of our butts. Absolutely, indeed, contine you
do it? Okay over there? Yeah, I was wanting you
(12:44):
change a poop diaper immediately, but at P diaper you
leave it. You do it every two hours, you do
it every p. I don't know. This is this is
going to blow your mind that you're ready you're ready.
I don't even think Poultine knows about that. So diapers
now have a little indicator on them, and if it
goes all the way up to blue means that's enough,
(13:05):
take your kid out of the speed diaper. Kid could
peel like three or four times and it's fine. Wait.
See that makes sense to me because sometimes where I
shove cool tins face in the mud, as soon as
they turn blue, that's how I know we have to
stop playing mud face. Yep, yep, same technology, same thing. Wow,
that's fascinating diaper technology. Sometimes you peel a little, sometimes
(13:28):
you peel out. You know, another great life lesson. You know,
you never know how much pea is gonna come out
till you pee, you know, so just buckle down and
get ready for it. Somebody stits that on a pillow.
Let's move one of the next folk at word. Okay,
So here we have Oh this is interesting allowance. Okay,
so I'm gonna say this means just like allow, like
(13:50):
give permission, Like how I allow cool teine to cuddle
with me months per month as long as he makes
his body rigid and motionless like a stick. Isn't that right?
Quotine Yep, getting real good at staying still because I'm
craving connection. Sometimes he does a little moan and then
I'm like, get off of me, no questions, no question.
(14:12):
Is that what allowance means? To be clear, it's not
a it's not a sexual moan. I'm moaning for my
missing Well I'm missing I'm missing my parents. Okay, yeah,
this is definitely not a better child relationship. I think
that back. Okay, cool, So what is allowance in the
world of kids? What's your kids get to a certain age? Um,
(14:33):
they want to buy stuff, and often they want to
buy a lot of things, toys, cookies, they're not investing.
But allowances the money that parents will often give to
a kid for like chores, which is work they do
around the house, um, or just being generally good. You
reward them with money. Okay, well, interesting, So kids are
(14:57):
sort of your employees, what might say, in some ways,
and we're propping up capitalist society that we've all come up,
and so we bring those lessons in our home, thereby
getting a system that is leaving a lot of people behind. Well,
I sorry, I spaced out for all of that. Sorry,
I just saw a nice little juicy thing of soil
(15:19):
that I haven't sucked on and passed through my whole body.
But it sounds fascinating. I'm sure our listeners will understand
what you're saying. Allowance. That's like you wanting that soil
and then um, like if you had to pay cool
Team for some of your mud. Oh okay, that would
be you would need money. Cool Team does everything I
(15:39):
want without getting paid. What would that be called marriage? Marriage? Zing?
That was a read. I believe that was a zinger. Well,
the revelation of your rigid, laydown sessions make me feel
like you do have some some couple energy here. Oh god, no,
(16:00):
that's disgusting. Oh my god. No, that would be like
you having sex with like a like a cold ice
cream cone or something. It's like you're just two different
do absolutely different things. I probably killed myself before I
add sex a cold That would be bizarre. That's now
(16:21):
what a team needs to hear, I will say, Listen,
Cool teen doesn't even have the equipment that we need. Okay, worms,
it's all about like we've got some We've got some
ririfices on our sides. Yeah that that excrete sperm and
eggs and yeah, I've only got one set of going ads.
I learned that in this sex episode. But I will
add this rejection to my wall of rejections. There's another
(16:42):
one in the no column. No one has ever said
yes to me yet. But that's pretty cool. Yeah, we
got a lot of yes no columns down here with
scratches and it. It's kind of all that keeps cool
team saying yeah, that's cool. Yeah. Do you let your
kids draw on the walls like that? I mean, I
used my walls to like, you're out all my kid
is but fun ritual? Yeah, a ritual okay, nice? Yeah,
(17:08):
a ritual is what rich people do to keep track
of stuff. I think that might have been a ju
no no no that I don't know. You don't know fails,
that's true, I don't know. All right now I feel insecure.
(17:38):
We're gonna go into this next VOLC word. Okay, here
we go. Okay, this next one is epidural. Do you
want to take a guess at what this is? Cool?
Teen epidural epic dural? Oh man, it's like an epic,
just a totally epic time that the duration of which
was really long. It's just a cool night out. Any
(18:01):
cool person would know that's what epidural means. She's like,
oh man, this weekend was a total epidural. You know,
just so many girls that they're freaking epidural. Hell yeah, nice.
So I'm guessing that's correct, right, evaderal Meg, do you
wanna take this one? I think this one. I know
that it's absolutely incorrect. Okay, yeah. Epidural is basically a
(18:21):
medication that you take to is the pain of labor.
Oh so birth is painful for human Oh it's extremely
painful because all your basically are Do you know what
a vagina is? Yeah? We did. We talked about sex
and things. Um, you know, cool teen had a magazine
in his backpack when he fell down here, so I've
gotten to see lots of vaginas, lots of penises, nipples
(18:44):
of all shorts. I find it boring, to be quite frank,
but cool teen really likes it beautiful. That's fair. So
pop quiz, cool teen, how big is a vagina? Like?
If you had to measure it in centimeters? How big
do you think the whole is? Okay, cool teen, You've
got some experience measuring whole, so let's yeah. Yeah, I'd
(19:07):
say it's like the same as a nostril. Okay, okay,
I mean I don't I don't know if I would
feel comfortable. I'm having an answer for this question either.
So I'm glad, cool teens on the spot. That's all right,
we can leave it. We can leave it to Meg. Meg.
You put it out there, you finish it up. Put
it out there. And I had to see it through
so so you know nots was maybe like half centimeter.
(19:27):
So to pop a baby out, it has to expand
to ten centimeters. Wow, no, exactly. So they pumped some
epidural in you so you don't feel the pain and
you can just pop it out. Okay. So this is
sort of like when I used to move through the
soil because I wasn't so gigantic. When I would accidentally
swallow a rock, right, it would go down all my
(19:49):
segments and then I would shoot it out. That was
not fun. Yeah right, same right. So it's like shoot
a rock. I wouldn't want a doctor to say that
me or my partner, but yes, I guess it is.
Let's let's move on to this next vocab word. Okay,
here we got okay, placenta pills. Okay, this one's interesting.
(20:10):
So I actually did know a placenta once. She was
all one hole over a neighbor, if you will. So,
I'm gonna guess pills that belong to placenta. Are you
saying you knew a more named placenta. Her name was pacenta.
Beautiful name, beautiful name short list on a lot of
human naming lists. Yeah, oh perfect, So I got it right. No,
(20:32):
I want I want justin to think this. Okay, great,
I could do this. I can do this. Placenta that's
the sort of sack that a baby um is grown in. Well,
and well, well, the placenta actually sort of feeds the
baby in the sort of larger amnionic sack, and when
(20:53):
the water breaks, a bunch of fluid comes out and
the plates center is still in there, um sort of
feeding the baby. Then the baby comes out shooting a
rock like we've established as normal birthing term birthing rock,
and the placenta then comes out afterwards as what's called
it after birth, and um, it's sort of like a
(21:13):
shriveled up bag raisin esque. If I can throw that
out there, and then placenta pills are some people you
can some people just eat the placenta like, uh, like
a steak. Oh my god, what like a very fine steak.
I'll take a medium rare. Yeah, it comes out pretty rare,
(21:34):
so you want to cook it a little bit. Um.
Some people making it the pills because they say that
if you take the pills it helps with some of
the hormonal changes that come after a human female gives birth.
Is that correct? Because just feel like you're explained that
really well, Meg, I mean, thank you for explaining that
so well, justin I don't think I ever fully understood
(21:56):
it that this moment. Yeah, but he's absolutely right. I said,
that's supposed to be one of the most like nutritious
part of the body after pregnancy because it has all
these nutrients and minerals and all of this good stuff.
But hell no, never doing that, absolutely not. Yeah. I mean,
cool teens um looking their lips right now because so
(22:18):
hungry and wants a meal like that would keep you
going cool teen for weeks down here in this hole.
As disgusted as I am, I am salivating at the idea. Listeners,
if you want to feed cool teen, just you know,
come up to the edge of the hole tossing your trash.
I'm honestly getting sick of them complaining. If you've got
a placenta from that stucker down here, I want to
(22:41):
hear that splat right on the floor, you know, and
then your jinkin eat it and then you'll stop eating worms. Sorry, sorry, well,
I actually I actually have on the topic of food,
I have a question about a word. Yeah, what do
you I think this is the type of salad that
my mom gets at the nine restaurant as a caesar
caesary in interesting Oh is that the French pronunciation? Yeah,
(23:05):
it's French food. Yeah, French doctor. Um, it's amazing. But
you know this is what your sixth question, and congratulations
you're wrong again. Oh damn. You know what's funny is
we haven't gotten one right to date. Let me ask
you what's the process? Like? Have you come up with
a term and then you just both of you work
together randomly guessing what it might mean? Absolutely see cooltine Cootine.
(23:28):
We have established does have a phone down here. The
service is not good, but occasionally, you know, occasionally we
can get in there and kind of find some words.
But I prefer to hear it from the source. You know,
I've heard the internet is not trustworthy. Yeah, unreliable. So
you know, cool Teine will will google, so they say,
(23:50):
sound like you just learned that word right in this moment,
they'll be like parent words, you know, and then and
then also search boobies kind of just like, oh the time,
it's weird. They're not able to get that many things
about parenting, but boobies are just like, yeah, we got
hundreds of them. Well, but fells, I know we haven't
taught you about cell phone service yet, but there's a
(24:11):
thing where, um, you know, text files are really really big,
and image and video files actually really small and easy
to get. Oh, okay, that makes sense, total sense. Do
you have another word, cote, do you want to ask
a mom? Okay, I think this happened to me when
I got bit by that mole and a weasel. Yeah, placenta,
(24:33):
placenta bit you right, yeah yeah, plasenter the mole and
yourerethra of the weasel. They both bit me, and I
think that's the measles. Is that correct? Oh my god,
you know what? Yes, Oh we got on my wow,
I am so thrilled we got one right. If you
(24:56):
said it was wrong, it would absolutely break my heart.
Bucked right up to the line. Let them have this.
It might be measles. You could definitely have measles. Cool.
All right? Yeah, well, I guess measles are cool. Anything
that happens to me is cool. Maybe maybe I'm sorry
(25:16):
your parents didn't give you the MMR shot when you
were little. Are you anti vax? No? No, no, no,
just being number seven out of seven? A lot of
things fall through the cracks. What's anti vax? What's that mean?
Whether their measles is something that you get vaccinated for
because it's a disease you don't want to get. Some
(25:37):
people don't get these vaccines. Um, so they're anti vacs? Interesting, right, Okay?
I mean I understand like wanting some diseases and not others.
Some diseases I find delicious. Really yeah, you know which
diseases are you yeming? All right? I love lead poisoning
(25:57):
in the soil tastes good. I like um sewage run off.
I call that a work yesterday with a bad case
of sewage run off. So I totally get it, you
know what. I get it to my friend. But you
know what, sometimes when it's a Friday night, you know what,
I'm bored and I want to get a little cookie,
you know, I'll take some of that sewage run off,
and yeah, it's like a fountain from both ends, my friends. Wow, sorry,
(26:21):
is it weird that I'm talking about this? I mean,
we're parents of You've seen cook come out of all
places exactly, lots of seeing poop as a parent, okay, yeah, leakage,
a lot of leakage diapers. While the diaper technology is cool,
it's better there, mistakes are still made, all right, you
know what those done? Maybe we are each other's parents. Yeah,
(26:44):
I'm kind of feeling like maybe we are because there's
so much ship down here. It's so much it's like
a ship pool. Anyway, Okay, I think I'm sort of
getting what parenting is. But I want to do another
segment real quick, just to really like nail it down.
So let's go into segment too that I'm calling parenting
or not parenting. So okay, I'm gonna give you some
(27:06):
scenarios written by us as well as our listeners, and
I just need you to tell me if they are
parenting or not parenting. Okay, okay, good, all right? First up,
putting kids in time out parenting or not parenting, parenting,
parenting strong, that's strong, parenting great? Oh, changing diapers. I
(27:29):
think we talked about this. I'm going to go ahead
and say parenting, big time parenting, big time parenting. Alright, great,
all right? How about this one? Allowing the two parasites
attached to my back to slowly suck the life out
of me because they're just so din cute. Parenting or
not parenting. Parent often refer to my children as parasites
(27:51):
sucking the blood out of my back. Oh wow, perfect, great,
all right? Yeah, I mean I literally, like, as a mom,
give birth to my parasites, so he has all my
organs and blood. Wow, that's I'm gonna be honest. I
smoked a little weed before this, and that's kind of
freaking me out. Someone dropped to joint down here, and
he's not just stucking on my blood, but I provided
(28:14):
the original blood that allowed him to stop the succession
of blood that comes with it. Now you're gonna throw up,
you know when we were talking about the centa, I'm
just so hungry. Or also all the ship we're physically in. Listen,
when you sit and ship long enough, it stops smelling. Yeah,
put that on another pillow. Yeah, okay, you really know
(28:37):
how to make the best of a ship situation here, Um,
let me ask you about that joint the felon cool teen.
How did you lose out on the joint type of
Fell's death? Oh? Man, I smoked. Here's the thing is
that I smoked so much weed that I forgot kind
of smoke weed or what it looked like. Look, I'll
sum it up. They put the lid end in their
mouth and then I had to take it away from them. Yeah,
(28:58):
that's parenting right there. Yeah, is parenting? All right? Good? Yeah,
all right? We got a couple more scenarios. When you
help a turtle cross the street, parenting or not parenting,
very frustrated parenting. Yes, it's like seven seconds of parenting
and okay, a little quick parenting if you just wanta
(29:18):
a dash of it, all right, And this is this
is my last one. I gotta feeding, clothing and sheltering
a clumsy teen that I'm not related to parenting or
not parenting. I feel like we've talked about this, but
I'm kinda still on the fence. I mean, I don't
feel comfortable answering that question because I feel like there's
more than those three words that you just said. So
(29:40):
I don't know if this is a parenting relationship or
a really dysfunctional marriage. So I'm gonna I'm gonna bleed
the fifth on this one. What are some other words
that you do other than feeding, clothing and sheltering, changing
the diappers, giving them your organs, eating the sack they
were bushed in. We gotta what else? Measuring them? Am
(30:01):
I missing anything? That's a that's a lot of what
it is? That's a lot. Yeah, you're just keeping them alive,
that's really the goal. And then later you're talking to them,
like guiding them through life decisions, and then eventually ideally
they sort of take care of you as you get old. Okay,
See that makes perfect sense to me. I feel like
I've got a good grasp from parenting. Cootine, Did you
(30:23):
have any scenarios you wanted to josh out there. Yeah,
Let's say let's say somebody asks their dad what sex
is and he says, your mother's least favorite thing is
that parenting? That's really bad? Sense of you are? I
think that's there's a little bit of parenting in there
that's bad parenting, but it's still parenting. You never talked
(30:44):
down your spouse in front of your child. Oh okay,
I love that. I think that's a great rule. Yeah,
what else you got? Um when when your kid asked
you for something and you say, I don't know, ask
your mother. And then you're the mother and your kid
ask you something and I said, I don't know, ask
your father, and the kid just kind of ends up
just wasting away on a Saturday with nothing to do
(31:07):
because no permission was given. Is that parenting? That's a
game of cool teen ping pong right there, and that's
how you end up in a hole. Oh nice, I've
never heard of cool teen ping pong. We just have
mud clot and mud faced down. You don't get any
ideas mud ball. We got red mud, redbud, come over,
come over. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's a favorite of mine.
(31:30):
I don't want to hear about red mud. It's just iron.
It's just the iron deposits in the soil. Well, let
me tell you. When I shout that rock out, there
was red mud like you've never seen before. Anyway, And
we're getting too graphic here. Any others, cool team before
we move on? Yeah, how about when your mom passes out?
(31:52):
On the couch and you take a lit cigarette out
of her mouth and put a blanket over her softly.
Is that parenting? You're the parent? Yeah, you're your parents,
chanting your parents. Okay, that's what I'm sad. Okay, well
just one more coolting? Can I just say something? You're
you're bombing us out hard, but keep going. Uh? What
(32:13):
about when your kid goes missing and so you file
a missing person's report, probably, and you have a big
press conference probably, and there's a big search party probably
that gets the whole community involved. But when the missing
kid doesn't turn up, you realize at a certain point
that you have to go on with your life and
take care of your children. Whose whereabouts you do know?
(32:35):
Is that parenting? Where did you hear that? Where did
you hear that? Coold sorry cooing sobbing water? You're making
so much more mud. No, I don't, I don't know.
I don't know for sure that those things happened. I
was just kind of it was conjecture that maybe there was,
you know, a really big search party, and people were
(32:56):
really worried, and now maybe nobody's coming to find that
that missing kid. Because I mean, I mean I watched
the news that I'm very active on social media. I
haven't seen anything, so I don't think anyone's looking. Coutine.
I told you there's no use, you know, but one
day we'll get to the surface, you and I as
long as you take me with you, otherwise I will
(33:17):
not let you go. Yeah, okay. And a lot of
people are actually celebrating sort of the fact that the
teen is sort of out there. Wo, that's right. The
family was so strained, right financially, I think they're they're
kind of breathing a sigh of relief. Yeah, that's true.
I didn't read about that. Huh. That's weird. But this
is just a hypothetical situation we're talking about, right, yeah, yeah,
(33:39):
yea yea yeah, yeah yeah, just hypothetical. That's just that's
just a hypothetical. But all I'll get building on my
next experiment to get up. But fells that out of
here because I know it means the world to her
to get up on that surface. Cote. I feel like
this has been a sad episode for you, So I
am going to offer you something tonight. You can cuddle
with me, and you don't have to be pharmacistic. You
(34:03):
can be a little wiggily. But if you kiss me
again on my slimy fat body, I won't. I'm gonna
put your phrase in them, Okay, I won Before you escape,
make sure the hole is fully dilated ten centimeters minimum,
ten centimeters minimum. Oh god it that was a birth joke. Yes, well,
(34:38):
I think I've got a good graph. So I want
to move into our third segment that I'm calling for.
Those looks be dirty and actually cool. Team is gonna
get their belly a little dirty as well. Yeah, here's
what we're gonna do. Hold on one second. Sorry, Wow,
what did you have for mud lunch? Wow? I had mud.
(35:01):
That's a rust burp ate, something rusty. Throw all kinds
of ship down here. Somebody's got to eat it, you know,
or it piles up. Can you like, open a window,
a window, I'm in a hole. Open the skylight, that's true.
I got the nicest skylight in town. All right. So
this third segment, here's what we're gonna do. Meg Justin,
(35:22):
I want you to interview me and Colteene for the
position of baby sitter. Now, I'm a little concerned to
sit on the baby because I do weigh the same
as three two car garages. But I think it's also
we're also sort of taking care of the baby. Yes,
we're like a sort of subbing in for the parent
(35:43):
is all right, that's right. It's not a physical description, really,
it's more of a sort of a role perfect. Okay,
so we're gonna interview. We're gonna put some tense music on,
and then I want you to interview me and Coltine.
Ask us some questions that you would ask a babysitter.
All right, let's get into it where we got all right,
what pasta experience do you have with kids? Oh? For sure,
(36:04):
I have one trap to my whole. I don't feed
him or really shelter him, but we play games. I
let him cuddle me sometimes. And uh, let's see, I
guess other than cool teen, I have never seen another
child in my whole life. Justin who are you? Who
(36:25):
are you talking? Sorry? My children had are here? Now
what they Yeah? They so you can see some like parenting.
Oh my god, almost in person. Here, Oh my god, hello,
child come here, come here. No you don't want to. Well,
I'm teaching them some people about parenting. I told them
not to follow me to the whole. But kids, you know,
(36:46):
they don't listen. You don't listen if they're scared to
come down here. I don't blame him. I'm terrified every
waking moment in my life. You are the villain of
a lot of story books. Technically, I see one, I
see one. I see a child. Yes, it's too small
to help me. Oh my gosh, what a beautiful creature.
She's so cute. What a beautiful Oh it's like a
(37:09):
mini you, but but even more beautiful. This is a
compliments that I love hearing. Let me be honest. Did
I not mention I'm attracted to everybody, exact kids. I'm
gonna drige you to kids. I do want to say
that everyone but cool teen. It seems like everyone contains
a minor Okay, I'm not a pervert, all right, I'm
not a perfect worm that likes kids. I'm a perfect
(37:31):
worm that likes humans. Coteen, what's your experience? Well, you know,
like I said, I'm the youngest, so I didn't have
a lot of siblings around a babysit. But you know,
at the camp that I was at before I sunk
in the whole, I was a c I t a
counselor in training. Is that an important position? Yeah, yeah, yeah,
Wait what's a c I t a counselor in training.
(37:54):
So I'm not technically a counselor because I'm not old enough,
but I am watching over the really little kids, and
I will say I was famous for being the strictest,
one of the most cool features a councilor and training
can have. Oh I'm sorry, Coltine, I think that is
an uncool I think, I mean, maybe you got that wrong,
being strict, but not from the parents vantage point like
(38:16):
I would. I'm here for it like I would like
a discipline structured babysitter. Okay, alright, so Colltine, I think
that's one to you. I think you got me beat there.
I think you've got more experience with kids. Let's do
the next question justin you got one? Yes, um, what
kind of meals do you like to prepare for children?
(38:36):
For children? Let's see? Oh? What can I make? What
can I make? Dirt? I can make dirt, Alla dirt
if you will. I can make um eggs, eggs And
by that, of course, I mean my eggs filled with
tiny baby worms. I haven't eaten them, but Cootine seems
to find them. Delicious. Yeah, yeah, very good. I think
(38:59):
Other than that, I don't know, maybe like a casserole ship.
I don't know what a cas is. I'm sorry, I'm lying.
I gotta I don't got a good answer to this one. Well,
you know, I think I actually would cook cast role
because as far as I understand that, casserole is where
you just um put a bunch of stuff in a
pot and put that pot in the oven. So I'm
pretty sure I got that under control. Oh, usually you
(39:21):
want to get a little more specific than what you
just said. I don't know about that. I don't know
about that. Have you had my mom's casserole? I don't
think so. This hole is a bit of a casserole,
if you ask me, we are all kinds of ship
down here. Man. Someone dropped a lawnmower down here the
other day. Pe right on me. This is a really
(39:41):
large hole. Yeah yeah, listen, it's a big asshole and
it's very deep, so you can't see me down here.
You can just faintly hear our screens. But that's about it.
But I mean, when we go up there, do you
want to follow us? Yeah? Easier said than done. Here's
the deal. I am. Maybe I haven't gotten this across.
(40:02):
I am as big as a house, I've been told,
and uh, I don't have any appendages, so I can sell.
The child is back. Yes, this is the This is
another child here. Say say hello, Hello, you're so beautiful.
You're scaring her warm Wow, cool teen. I'm glad you're
not the only child I've seen, you know, because these children, God,
(40:23):
they're like angels. Yeah, that's just very nice. They are
like angels and they don't ever do anything wrong. Right,
what's that sound there? They're making a sound. What is that?
Oh that's laughter. I don't know. Cool. Team doesn't never laugh?
Oh okay, no, no, no, we laugh. We laugh for sure.
I didn't know if it was some sort of signal
(40:44):
of a feed me or change my diapper. And oh
they climb, yes they do, this is um. They climb
on all of the mud bunk bed that you have
here in your hole. Oh wonderful a bunk bed. That's cool.
Maybe that's one for another time. Any other questions before
you decide who your babysit is going to be? Um?
(41:04):
Do you know CPR? Like, what if there was an emergency,
would you be able to help the child out. I
am an expert at CPR, and by that I assume
you meet um centipedes in pools of rectal fluid. I did. Actually,
that's oh yeah, I can. I'm an expert at that
(41:27):
Centerpede famously love rector fluid. Excellent rector. You say, what
about your CULTI nine, I don't know anything about centipedes
and pools a rectal fluid. So alright, that's a point
to you. But the alright, so we were to one.
I think honestly, centipedes and pulls the rector fluid is
basically what we're doing right now. That might be the
name of this podcast center. You know it's gonna be
(41:50):
on the surface. But I agree, centipedes in pools of
rector fluid. Maybe we can we can throw that in
the title. Maybe that's like the comedians in cars drink
in coffee version of this. Well, that sounds like a
terrible show. People watch it. Wow, podcast burn people, that's amazing. Wow,
(42:11):
Um suddenly not worried about my podcast doing well. I
mean that would be like you saying people in holes
having candles. That sounds fun. You put a candle in
a hole you don't know what's gonna happen. What's flammable,
what's not flammable? There's nowhere to run a lot of
(42:32):
noxious gases. Yeah, wow, Okay, the child is back and
it's climbing on Justin. It's climbing on you. Yes, this
is a very common human child thing to do, climbing
on data. Oh that's cute. That's a nicknamed dada. If
you pretended that the hole was data, can you climb
(42:52):
over it? It's so so deep and the walls they're
so so muddy. I've tried so many times. I even
tried to make a tower of all the non working
microwaves that are down here, and I couldn't get to
the top of it. I have a feeling that's the
only way that but Belles and I are going to
get out of here is together. I mean, look, I'm
(43:13):
not I'm not mad at you, but I am disappointed,
Oh that you're not doing your best parenting? Yea, was
that parenting? That's parenting right there? Very disappointed in your
quotin Wow, cool teen, try harder. I feel sad because
of what you said, but I feel glad that you
cared enough to say it. Put that on a pillow.
(43:34):
Put that on a pillow and choke on it. No way,
what sleep on it? Whoa Okay, I want to put
put that on a pillow, a choke on it, on
a pillow. Put that on a pillow and choke on it.
Leap on it. Folks, you heard it here first. That's
gonna be their new sing sweep in the Nation. Very
famous quote by Max. Sleep on it, sleep on it
absolutely all right. That's get another question. Um, what do
(43:58):
you want to do outside of babysitting with your life?
Good question? Wow, Like what are my dreams? I want
to be? Where the people I want to? She want to?
She done walking along on there? Are you calling cotine?
What are you calling? Uh birkin stocks. That's fucking wrong,
(44:22):
cotine its feet? God damn it. Well I think that
pretty much sums it up. I'm so used to Cool
team crying. It was wild to see you crying. Thank you. Yeah,
it's crazy when worms cry because we don't have eyes.
I love that Prince song. Your body is like watering
right now. Like that's interesting. It's water. It's sort of like, um,
(44:42):
you know, someone threw a sprinkler system down here once,
just kind of it's just kind of shooting una everywhere,
you know. Come to think of it, most of my
time is spent shooting stuff out of my body. What
a lifestyle. So that's what you're saying, your aspiration is
as a babysitter. No, that's more of a hobby. I
think my ask rage. I think my aspiration is to
get to the surfish, get extreme plastic surgery. So it
(45:06):
looked like a human wiggle my way through sex and
favors and betrayal, work my way to the top of
the human system and become their queen. I've trud of
pretty much sums it up. Oh, I also want to
be a singer, for sure. It's beautiful. I'd like to
see the age of twenty. Oh good, that's a good dream.
(45:26):
I would know you right now. Fourteen Maybe I don't know.
I I think today's my fourteenth birthday. But I might
have been wrong about the scratches on the wall. You know,
cool teen has been down here for a while. They're
kind of a permanent fixture. And if I if I'm
taking my nap between eleven fifty and twelve ten, that
I don't even register that another noon has passed, So
I might not clock. That is two different days, and
(45:49):
it's hard to keep track on a with scratches on
a muddy wall. Yeah, especially when I have to make
room for more um cave boob drawings that I'm always doing. Yes, yeah,
and then some of the little hatches fill in pretty
quick because again it's mud. So sorry, my child, I'm
just screamed, I did poopies from the bathroom area. Oh wow,
(46:11):
Oh that's so exciting. Thank you. I'm getting emotional. The
child did poopies. I want to be a parent. I
don't know what's going on. If your hobby is excreting
stuff through holes, adding a child who will also do
that very same thing is a great idea for you. Wow.
Can we get a mic over there, justin there's some
(46:34):
pick this up? Yeah, definitely. Well, if there's any updates
on the I made poopy situation, please let us know.
Interrupt whatever we're talking about. I gotta know about these poopies.
When in Rome do is? When in mud do is?
The mud group does? Thank you for saying that I
don't know what Rome is? Alright? Any other any other
(46:54):
questions for me? And Cooltine before you choose your babysitter, Well, cooltine,
what are living to? It was the aspiration outside of davidsitting. Absolutely.
I forgot briefly because it was so sad. Honestly, I
think you're aiming too high or being a singer. Um, okay, colotine.
I feel like you just copied my answer. No, no, no,
(47:15):
I've said that so many times. That's a common thing
that parents and children do, is the child will copy
the answer from the parents. See. I hate that because
I need to feel special. Yeah, then parenting is not
for you, all right. You know what, I've decided. I'm
never gonna be a parent. It's official. I never want
a parent. I love kids, but I just don't want
(47:39):
them to be mine. Does that make sense totally? I
would say. Then, I guess you can stop blasting the
thousands of transparent worm children out of your rock hole.
Oh no, I'm still gonna do that for sure. Yeah,
Mammy loves to blassom kids, you know. But yeah, I
think I'll keep abandoning them and maybe they'll get adopt
Maybe they'll get adopt. You your mom and dad both both,
(48:02):
I'm both. I'm sort of a you know, I identify
as a mud freak. Really nice to Yeah, my pronouns
are let's see, Cooltine told me pronouns are how people
refer to you. I guess my pronouns would be um,
oh my god? What is that? And quick? Somebody kill it.
That's where I'm at gender wise to say andrew your question. Yeah, alright,
(48:23):
it's time choose your babysitter me a big worm famous
for abandoning their children and shipping all over the place,
or a fourteen year old who uh, I'm just gonna
say it will probably kill the kid, but up to you. Wow. Well,
let me throw out one final, the most important question.
(48:44):
What's your rate? All these other questions are trash. What's
your rate? Like payment? Yeah? But how much do you
want to be paid per hour for watching our children?
Per hour? What do I want to be paid for hour?
Can we just do a lump some of get me
the funk out of this hole? Okay, what about your
cool teen? I'll take four bucks an hour? Damn it,
(49:06):
cool teen? You know with babysitters what he's here at
rate that low, it's almost more of a cause for concern.
I'll take it. I'll take it your higher, cool Teine, Yes,
thank you. I could make money off you. Absolutely. I'm
a cool team too, but let's work out of schedule.
Cool TEENK. Sometimes they for you and sometimes they be
for me. Okay, fair, Oh'm sorry, someone just rang the
(49:28):
whole bell. Looks like a new dumpster for trash is
being delivered, and I was just saying, I love how
respectful the community is that they're in a bell before
they dump book stuff into your hole. You know, it's
at least a good deal. That is so nice. You
know you're an important part of this community, whether you
know it or not. That's really beautiful way of looking
(49:50):
at trash about to rain down on us. It's really good.
Do you think I'm a part of the community. I
that means so much to me. You know, you want
to be where the people are, but you already are
where the people are. Okay, I guess that makes sense.
(50:10):
I mean think of it like the circle of life,
you know, like this is better at all ends, and
then you give it new life. Did you know I
can put my whole body in a circle. I can
guess my own butt. Just saying, honestly, human centipede vibes
coming out of this place. It's very strong. I feel
like it makes me a good babysitter. I feel like
if I kissed my own butt, a kid would just
(50:31):
do that laughter thing. I think that makes you a
great one night stand interesting. All right, I'll have to
I have to figure out try to google that. I'm
sure just pictures of boobies will come up again. But
that's some flexibility and I can well, I gotta say,
I gotta say me, Justin, thank you so much for
(50:52):
calming down into the hole. Justin. Is there anything you'd
like to plug? Getting out of a hole? The any
holier and get out of it? And I guess you
can follow me on Twitter at j T Sizzle, a
normal parents Twitter handle. That's the sound that my body
makes when it gets fried by the sun, Little JT. Sizzle.
(51:14):
That's right, classic j D Sizzle. Maggie, got anything to
promote anything going on? No, just follow me on Instagram
or Twitter. My handles make shop five to nine. And yeah,
if you find yourself in a hole, don't give off,
but just tell yourself here in a hole, it's okay. Wow,
that was beautiful. That's good. Take ownership of it and
(51:36):
check out. I do a show with someone named Sarah
Smallwood parsons Um called characters welcome. Oh she sounds cool. Yes,
it's cool. You can check it out on the YouTube
slash characters Welcome. What do you think of her? How
would you describe her? Um, she's like um, sort of
a human worm like you befels. The scale tips toward worm,
(51:57):
but its scale tips toward human on her end. Interesting. Okay,
sounds like a freak if you ask me. But she's
a mud freak. She's a mud freak. She's a mud freak.
All right, Well, you know what any mud freaky yours
is a mud freak of mine. Put that on a pedal.
The child is back. Okay, well, you know what. We
gotta wrap up, but I'm just gonna watch this child,
do it. Think that's our episode to stay muddy? Everybody?
(52:21):
You ain't my son, my mom, fucking step son, I
don't know, don't shed but she doesn't. I didn't do them.
She
Behold. I am Bethseda, a giant worm like creature that
lives at the bottom of a muddy hole. And this
is my podcast on the surface, where I try to
make sense of the world above with help from human
experts and my sidekick, a cool team that fell down.
(00:32):
My whole cool team. Say something. I'm kind of missing
my previous life today. It would have from my ticks
in the wall of the hole, it would have been
my birthday. Well that's too bad anyway. Today's topic is parenting.
What is it? Where is it doesn't smell? Hopefully we'll
(00:54):
find out from our guests. First, from characters, welcome, don't
know what that is? Justin Tyler, Justin Diggs for coming
down to the hole. Pleasure. This is one of the
deeper holes I've ever been in. Pretty sweet to be here.
Thank you, Oh, thank you. That's very nice for me
to say. I'm blushing. And then from the Instagram Mommy Pickles,
(01:16):
We've got Meg Shaw Meg. We're psyched to have you here.
I am so excited to be here in a hole
with you. Oh, thank you, began I thought, yea brighter, Yeah,
you should see it though. When it's not high noon,
it gets dark in here real quick. Oh yeah, ten.
You know, the sweet spot is really between eleven fifty
(01:39):
and twelve ten. That's when this place really gets good lighting.
The rest of it not so much. But we make
two alright, so let's get into it. Uh, Meg, justin,
you're both parents. Justin you're a dad and Meg you're
a mom. Correct? Correct, Yes, that is correct. Not together,
not together, not together. We have separate, separate kids, separate kids. Wow,
(02:02):
this means literally nothing to me, but we'll figure it out.
You know, Um, how would you to define parenting? Well,
it's like, um, you're raising you have a kid, a child,
which is like a smaller version of you and your
partner mashed up together, up together. Absolutely, they're born, and
(02:24):
then you sort of raise them to be, um, how
you want them to be in the world. Okay, s
it's a very sort of narcissistic thing and people do
when they're obsessed with themselves. Is that it? Many? Yes?
I mean this cool teen is is a kid. Yeah,
it's like a cool teen is in the middle of
this metamorphosis from kid to adult. You have a parent?
(02:48):
Are you a child? You have parents? Cool tean, you've
never said anything? Oh, really you. Well, usually when i'm crying,
that's who I'm thinking about because I really miss them.
I'm what they call a change of life baby. So
my siblings are much much older than me. They have
families of their own. But yeah, I'm the youngest of seven. Wow. Yeah, Wow,
(03:08):
your parents were busy? Oh you Yeah. I don't know
what that means, but it sounds funny. Well, let me
tell you. I'm more confused when we started about this
parenting thing. So why don't we hop into our first
segment that I'm calling what in the bood? Is this? Alright,
(03:28):
so here's how it works. Okay, I'm gonna present you
with some words related to parenting. I'll take a guess
at what they mean, okay, and then you can correct
me if needed. Cool, cool, alright, great, let's get into it. Okay, alright,
first word we got here is crib. Okay, So to me,
this appears to be like a cage, similar to the
(03:51):
one the government tried to trap me into study me.
It's a long story. Is that what a crib is? Meg?
Is that a crib a good definition? I mean pretty much,
it's an enclosed space. You want to just make sure
your child doesn't leave, but it's usually by the child sleeps. Okay,
So it's like a baby jail for sleeping, but like
a nice jail. A nice jail, it has a roof
(04:15):
like it's open on the top, if that helps. It's
opened on the top much like a hole. It is
a bit like a hole. It is. It's like a
rectangular hole. All right, I can get down with that. Also,
I don't know if you guys know this, because I'm
not sure if you're up on the selang, but but
tells the crib is also a rapper's house. Wow. A
rapper can't wait to figure out what that is. And
(04:37):
oftentimes you you can put like a mobile above the crib,
which is like a little entertainment for the baby sleeping
in the crib. They can look up and see like
a little like moon going around or whatever. Wow. So
these babies are stupid, yes, pretty easily entertained and stupid. Okay.
Mobile is like a like a junior TV. And so
(04:58):
you you start them because they are a little less
said that they're dumb. They're just unfamiliar with the world. Useless.
They're developing, they're developing. Surely you were a young worm
that didn't know about all the deepest holes. Oh yeah,
you know you see so, I mean we'll say this obviously.
(05:18):
I know what worm babies are. Okay, I was a
worm baby. Worm babies are tiny, transparent threads about half
an inch long that you abandoned as soon as they're born. Okay,
I've made thousands of them. How's that different from human babies?
Everything is the same except the last part. You don't
abandon them. You keep that. Oh okay, but everything else
is spot on. Everything else is spot on. Sorry, I
(05:40):
don't know if this is true for for you. Where's
your baby transparent? Make when you because that would be
truly terrifying if you had an organ bag that you
brought home or like, look at this, it's our babies.
The baby. No, I mean, I mean this worm is
transparent from what I can see from here. So transparent
(06:02):
bombs have transparent babies. I have a baby that looks
like me. That's smaller. Oh right, right, okay, right, right,
right as what we said, yeah, you're making a little
little many, you many exactly. I would also say, from
the numbers perspective, seven is probably on the higher and
thousands is way beyond what humans are capable. Oh yeah, well,
(06:23):
you know, I mean I think I think cool team.
You said, I'm what you call a dead beef dad,
Is that right? Yeah, I did call you that. But
I know I'm learning. I'm learning from you as well
that you know, not all species are the same. So
I don't want to judge you too hard. Okay, that's
all right. I judge you all the time coding. Do
you connect with any of your offspring? You know, occasionally
(06:47):
we'll they'll they'll squirm through the hole and we'll do
a plate little wave. But for the most part, you know,
I can't really see what what I'm stuck in this
big hole. My body is too big to move through
the soil. So kind of a not fest down here.
But uh yeah, no, we're not close. I guess i'd
say cool teen is kind of the closest thing I
have to a child. Yeah, what a beautiful I didn't
(07:10):
realize the other extent of your relationship down here in
this in the mud. Yeah, it's been quite a long time.
I mean, it's interesting because but that was the it's
somewhat of a parent to me. But also but that
was that is like two years old. So in a way.
I'm sort of a parented but that was that. It's
very confusing. That's your worms only lived before. So I'm
a middle aged midlife crisis. Oh that sounds fun. I'm
(07:34):
going to write that down for a for a later
after show, Row row Fruit. So I have to write
with my mouth, don't have hand. But you know, parenting
is really a feeling, and I think it's it's how
you're feeling about the cool kid here. Do you feel loved?
You feel like you want to take care of them,
you want to make sure they've eaten. You're a parent,
(07:57):
I mean coutine. I've never expressed you how I feel
about you. I'm feeling a little bit vulnerable. I guess
I think of cool to eve. It's sort of a slave.
It's not allowed to leave. Yeah, that that lines up.
I guess I got to collect a lot of sticks
for but those the I I gotta figure out how
to get put those up out of this hole before
I'm allowed to leave. I say that tracks cool teen.
(08:19):
What are you eating down here? For me? I want
to try to parent you, because, like you know, I've
got my own stuff going. But well, this is a
bit of an uncomfortable topic. Actually, but you know, if
things fall in the hole, I'll eat them like a barrier,
a piece of grass. But you know this is sort
of uncomfortable. I uh, you know, I need some protein.
(08:42):
So you know, every once in a while, I'll dig
around in the slop and off I'll find a worm.
Oh what the fund? Did you just say? What the fund?
Did you just say? Code? Nothing? Nothing, I'll find a grub.
I'll find a grub. I'll find a grub, and I'll
and I'll eat a grub. Let me tell you, so,
think if another cool team falls down here, I Am
going to eat them in front of you. Okay, and
(09:04):
you're gonna have to live. Now, let's get back to
let's get back to the vocal. Okay, we've got a
little sidetracked. So we've got the second vocal word. Okay,
so here here we got the vocal word adopt. Okay. Now,
to me, this is when you grow as big as
your environment. Like how I became so giant because my
whole is so big. I adopted to the whole. So
(09:24):
is that is that the same in parenting? Adopt? Um? No? Um,
It sounds like you're adapting to the whole. But adopting
is sort of like when you, um, you sort of
bring a child into your life that wasn't there before,
that maybe was looking for a parent. So is this
when you steal a baby? It can that sort of
(09:46):
I mean the baby technically it doesn't know, so it
is without their consent. Yeah, okay, old fashioned adoption. Like
so adoption is where you non consensually steal a baby. Okay,
I'm glad, we're clear. Lotta take a baby, take a baby. Great,
if we can correct one thing. It's take a baby,
not steal you take the baby. Okay, absolutely, Well it's
(10:08):
like how cool teen adopts one of your transparent babies
and eats them. As we just learned moments ago, you're
eating your baby. Yeah, you eating your baby, not me.
I'm not eating my babies. All right, I'm twice as confused.
Let's move on to the next polk I word. Okay,
So next we got, oh, this is a dirty deaper? Okay,
now this one I know. Okay, this is a song
(10:31):
I used to sing when I was little. Everyone a
little something like, oh dirty deaper. She was a slug,
she was dirty and had no love. She ate some shot.
It's no one's fault anywhere. You all know the rest.
I want bother finishing it. So would you say that's
the same for human as a dirty deeper? Meg? Absolutely
not not even clothes. Okay, but we are familiar with
(10:54):
that song. That's a very famous lullaby. We we humans
sing to all of our children lullaby that it's a
good word. Lullaby is where you say like you're like bye,
you say goodbye to your kid for the night because
they go to sleep and you have a fucking break,
just so beautiful. No one's ever explained it that way.
(11:14):
Maybe at the end today we'll a lullaby, both of you.
It sounds like a threat when you say it, but okay,
I'm gonna lullaby the living crap out of you, Josepon Meg.
What's a dirty dep okay? So a dirty diaper? Diaper
is you know how babies are small and they don't
have all their muscles develop, so they can't really go
to the bathroom, right, So we attached the bathroom to
(11:37):
them in a way. So there's a little pad like
thing which we stick on their you know area. And
I've made this gross and dirty. It's not it's very cute.
And then they just be in the diaper and they
pope in the diaper, and if it's a poop diaper,
you call it a dirty diaper. You're telling me, sure
they wear short of a apper, that is to catch
(12:00):
their pep and poopoos. What we're saying exactly, Well, we
could really use those down here sort of shopping wherever
there's a spot you know, yeah, yeah, it's filling up.
Where would you discarded discard it? Well, normally you dig
a hole. So I hate to tell you, Meg, we're
in the discard right now. Oh yeah, we're in the diaper. Essentially,
(12:24):
I recognize my son's poop smell. Oh okay, oh so
so human poop also smells. That's good to know. It's
a great equalizer, you know. That's yeah. You look around
and you see how we're also similar in the stink
that comes out of our butts. Absolutely, indeed, contine you
do it? Okay over there? Yeah, I was wanting you
(12:44):
change a poop diaper immediately, but at P diaper you
leave it. You do it every two hours, you do
it every p. I don't know. This is this is
going to blow your mind that you're ready you're ready.
I don't even think Poultine knows about that. So diapers
now have a little indicator on them, and if it
goes all the way up to blue means that's enough,
(13:05):
take your kid out of the speed diaper. Kid could
peel like three or four times and it's fine. Wait.
See that makes sense to me because sometimes where I
shove cool tins face in the mud, as soon as
they turn blue, that's how I know we have to
stop playing mud face. Yep, yep, same technology, same thing. Wow,
that's fascinating diaper technology. Sometimes you peel a little, sometimes
(13:28):
you peel out. You know, another great life lesson. You know,
you never know how much pea is gonna come out
till you pee, you know, so just buckle down and
get ready for it. Somebody stits that on a pillow.
Let's move one of the next folk at word. Okay,
So here we have Oh this is interesting allowance. Okay,
so I'm gonna say this means just like allow, like
(13:50):
give permission, Like how I allow cool teine to cuddle
with me months per month as long as he makes
his body rigid and motionless like a stick. Isn't that right?
Quotine Yep, getting real good at staying still because I'm
craving connection. Sometimes he does a little moan and then
I'm like, get off of me, no questions, no question.
(14:12):
Is that what allowance means? To be clear, it's not
a it's not a sexual moan. I'm moaning for my
missing Well I'm missing I'm missing my parents. Okay, yeah,
this is definitely not a better child relationship. I think
that back. Okay, cool, So what is allowance in the
world of kids? What's your kids get to a certain age? Um,
(14:33):
they want to buy stuff, and often they want to
buy a lot of things, toys, cookies, they're not investing.
But allowances the money that parents will often give to
a kid for like chores, which is work they do
around the house, um, or just being generally good. You
reward them with money. Okay, well, interesting, So kids are
(14:57):
sort of your employees, what might say, in some ways,
and we're propping up capitalist society that we've all come up,
and so we bring those lessons in our home, thereby
getting a system that is leaving a lot of people behind. Well,
I sorry, I spaced out for all of that. Sorry,
I just saw a nice little juicy thing of soil
(15:19):
that I haven't sucked on and passed through my whole body.
But it sounds fascinating. I'm sure our listeners will understand
what you're saying. Allowance. That's like you wanting that soil
and then um, like if you had to pay cool
Team for some of your mud. Oh okay, that would
be you would need money. Cool Team does everything I
(15:39):
want without getting paid. What would that be called marriage? Marriage? Zing?
That was a read. I believe that was a zinger. Well,
the revelation of your rigid, laydown sessions make me feel
like you do have some some couple energy here. Oh god, no,
(16:00):
that's disgusting. Oh my god. No, that would be like
you having sex with like a like a cold ice
cream cone or something. It's like you're just two different
do absolutely different things. I probably killed myself before I
add sex a cold That would be bizarre. That's now
(16:21):
what a team needs to hear, I will say, Listen,
Cool teen doesn't even have the equipment that we need. Okay, worms,
it's all about like we've got some We've got some
ririfices on our sides. Yeah that that excrete sperm and
eggs and yeah, I've only got one set of going ads.
I learned that in this sex episode. But I will
add this rejection to my wall of rejections. There's another
(16:42):
one in the no column. No one has ever said
yes to me yet. But that's pretty cool. Yeah, we
got a lot of yes no columns down here with
scratches and it. It's kind of all that keeps cool
team saying yeah, that's cool. Yeah. Do you let your
kids draw on the walls like that? I mean, I
used my walls to like, you're out all my kid
is but fun ritual? Yeah, a ritual okay, nice? Yeah,
(17:08):
a ritual is what rich people do to keep track
of stuff. I think that might have been a ju
no no no that I don't know. You don't know fails,
that's true, I don't know. All right now I feel insecure.
(17:38):
We're gonna go into this next VOLC word. Okay, here
we go. Okay, this next one is epidural. Do you
want to take a guess at what this is? Cool?
Teen epidural epic dural? Oh man, it's like an epic,
just a totally epic time that the duration of which
was really long. It's just a cool night out. Any
(18:01):
cool person would know that's what epidural means. She's like,
oh man, this weekend was a total epidural. You know,
just so many girls that they're freaking epidural. Hell yeah, nice.
So I'm guessing that's correct, right, evaderal Meg, do you
wanna take this one? I think this one. I know
that it's absolutely incorrect. Okay, yeah. Epidural is basically a
(18:21):
medication that you take to is the pain of labor.
Oh so birth is painful for human Oh it's extremely
painful because all your basically are Do you know what
a vagina is? Yeah? We did. We talked about sex
and things. Um, you know, cool teen had a magazine
in his backpack when he fell down here, so I've
gotten to see lots of vaginas, lots of penises, nipples
(18:44):
of all shorts. I find it boring, to be quite frank,
but cool teen really likes it beautiful. That's fair. So
pop quiz, cool teen, how big is a vagina? Like?
If you had to measure it in centimeters? How big
do you think the whole is? Okay, cool teen, You've
got some experience measuring whole, so let's yeah. Yeah, I'd
(19:07):
say it's like the same as a nostril. Okay, okay,
I mean I don't I don't know if I would
feel comfortable. I'm having an answer for this question either.
So I'm glad, cool teens on the spot. That's all right,
we can leave it. We can leave it to Meg. Meg.
You put it out there, you finish it up. Put
it out there. And I had to see it through
so so you know nots was maybe like half centimeter.
(19:27):
So to pop a baby out, it has to expand
to ten centimeters. Wow, no, exactly. So they pumped some
epidural in you so you don't feel the pain and
you can just pop it out. Okay. So this is
sort of like when I used to move through the
soil because I wasn't so gigantic. When I would accidentally
swallow a rock, right, it would go down all my
(19:49):
segments and then I would shoot it out. That was
not fun. Yeah right, same right. So it's like shoot
a rock. I wouldn't want a doctor to say that
me or my partner, but yes, I guess it is.
Let's let's move on to this next vocab word. Okay,
here we got okay, placenta pills. Okay, this one's interesting.
(20:10):
So I actually did know a placenta once. She was
all one hole over a neighbor, if you will. So,
I'm gonna guess pills that belong to placenta. Are you
saying you knew a more named placenta. Her name was pacenta.
Beautiful name, beautiful name short list on a lot of
human naming lists. Yeah, oh perfect, So I got it right. No,
(20:32):
I want I want justin to think this. Okay, great,
I could do this. I can do this. Placenta that's
the sort of sack that a baby um is grown in. Well,
and well, well, the placenta actually sort of feeds the
baby in the sort of larger amnionic sack, and when
(20:53):
the water breaks, a bunch of fluid comes out and
the plates center is still in there, um sort of
feeding the baby. Then the baby comes out shooting a
rock like we've established as normal birthing term birthing rock,
and the placenta then comes out afterwards as what's called
it after birth, and um, it's sort of like a
(21:13):
shriveled up bag raisin esque. If I can throw that
out there, and then placenta pills are some people you
can some people just eat the placenta like, uh, like
a steak. Oh my god, what like a very fine steak.
I'll take a medium rare. Yeah, it comes out pretty rare,
(21:34):
so you want to cook it a little bit. Um.
Some people making it the pills because they say that
if you take the pills it helps with some of
the hormonal changes that come after a human female gives birth.
Is that correct? Because just feel like you're explained that
really well, Meg, I mean, thank you for explaining that
so well, justin I don't think I ever fully understood
(21:56):
it that this moment. Yeah, but he's absolutely right. I said,
that's supposed to be one of the most like nutritious
part of the body after pregnancy because it has all
these nutrients and minerals and all of this good stuff.
But hell no, never doing that, absolutely not. Yeah. I mean,
cool teens um looking their lips right now because so
(22:18):
hungry and wants a meal like that would keep you
going cool teen for weeks down here in this hole.
As disgusted as I am, I am salivating at the idea. Listeners,
if you want to feed cool teen, just you know,
come up to the edge of the hole tossing your trash.
I'm honestly getting sick of them complaining. If you've got
a placenta from that stucker down here, I want to
(22:41):
hear that splat right on the floor, you know, and
then your jinkin eat it and then you'll stop eating worms. Sorry, sorry, well,
I actually I actually have on the topic of food,
I have a question about a word. Yeah, what do
you I think this is the type of salad that
my mom gets at the nine restaurant as a caesar
caesary in interesting Oh is that the French pronunciation? Yeah,
(23:05):
it's French food. Yeah, French doctor. Um, it's amazing. But
you know this is what your sixth question, and congratulations
you're wrong again. Oh damn. You know what's funny is
we haven't gotten one right to date. Let me ask
you what's the process? Like? Have you come up with
a term and then you just both of you work
together randomly guessing what it might mean? Absolutely see cooltine Cootine.
(23:28):
We have established does have a phone down here. The
service is not good, but occasionally, you know, occasionally we
can get in there and kind of find some words.
But I prefer to hear it from the source. You know,
I've heard the internet is not trustworthy. Yeah, unreliable. So
you know, cool Teine will will google, so they say,
(23:50):
sound like you just learned that word right in this moment,
they'll be like parent words, you know, and then and
then also search boobies kind of just like, oh the time,
it's weird. They're not able to get that many things
about parenting, but boobies are just like, yeah, we got
hundreds of them. Well, but fells, I know we haven't
taught you about cell phone service yet, but there's a
(24:11):
thing where, um, you know, text files are really really big,
and image and video files actually really small and easy
to get. Oh, okay, that makes sense, total sense. Do
you have another word, cote, do you want to ask
a mom? Okay, I think this happened to me when
I got bit by that mole and a weasel. Yeah, placenta,
(24:33):
placenta bit you right, yeah yeah, plasenter the mole and
yourerethra of the weasel. They both bit me, and I
think that's the measles. Is that correct? Oh my god,
you know what? Yes, Oh we got on my wow,
I am so thrilled we got one right. If you
(24:56):
said it was wrong, it would absolutely break my heart.
Bucked right up to the line. Let them have this.
It might be measles. You could definitely have measles. Cool.
All right? Yeah, well, I guess measles are cool. Anything
that happens to me is cool. Maybe maybe I'm sorry
(25:16):
your parents didn't give you the MMR shot when you
were little. Are you anti vax? No? No, no, no,
just being number seven out of seven? A lot of
things fall through the cracks. What's anti vax? What's that mean?
Whether their measles is something that you get vaccinated for
because it's a disease you don't want to get. Some
(25:37):
people don't get these vaccines. Um, so they're anti vacs? Interesting, right, Okay?
I mean I understand like wanting some diseases and not others.
Some diseases I find delicious. Really yeah, you know which
diseases are you yeming? All right? I love lead poisoning
(25:57):
in the soil tastes good. I like um sewage run off.
I call that a work yesterday with a bad case
of sewage run off. So I totally get it, you
know what. I get it to my friend. But you
know what, sometimes when it's a Friday night, you know what,
I'm bored and I want to get a little cookie,
you know, I'll take some of that sewage run off,
and yeah, it's like a fountain from both ends, my friends. Wow, sorry,
(26:21):
is it weird that I'm talking about this? I mean,
we're parents of You've seen cook come out of all
places exactly, lots of seeing poop as a parent, okay, yeah, leakage,
a lot of leakage diapers. While the diaper technology is cool,
it's better there, mistakes are still made, all right, you
know what those done? Maybe we are each other's parents. Yeah,
(26:44):
I'm kind of feeling like maybe we are because there's
so much ship down here. It's so much it's like
a ship pool. Anyway, Okay, I think I'm sort of
getting what parenting is. But I want to do another
segment real quick, just to really like nail it down.
So let's go into segment too that I'm calling parenting
or not parenting. So okay, I'm gonna give you some
(27:06):
scenarios written by us as well as our listeners, and
I just need you to tell me if they are
parenting or not parenting. Okay, okay, good, all right? First up,
putting kids in time out parenting or not parenting, parenting,
parenting strong, that's strong, parenting great? Oh, changing diapers. I
(27:29):
think we talked about this. I'm going to go ahead
and say parenting, big time parenting, big time parenting. Alright, great,
all right? How about this one? Allowing the two parasites
attached to my back to slowly suck the life out
of me because they're just so din cute. Parenting or
not parenting. Parent often refer to my children as parasites
(27:51):
sucking the blood out of my back. Oh wow, perfect, great,
all right? Yeah, I mean I literally, like, as a mom,
give birth to my parasites, so he has all my
organs and blood. Wow, that's I'm gonna be honest. I
smoked a little weed before this, and that's kind of
freaking me out. Someone dropped to joint down here, and
he's not just stucking on my blood, but I provided
(28:14):
the original blood that allowed him to stop the succession
of blood that comes with it. Now you're gonna throw up,
you know when we were talking about the centa, I'm
just so hungry. Or also all the ship we're physically in. Listen,
when you sit and ship long enough, it stops smelling. Yeah,
put that on another pillow. Yeah, okay, you really know
(28:37):
how to make the best of a ship situation here, Um,
let me ask you about that joint the felon cool teen.
How did you lose out on the joint type of
Fell's death? Oh? Man, I smoked. Here's the thing is
that I smoked so much weed that I forgot kind
of smoke weed or what it looked like. Look, I'll
sum it up. They put the lid end in their
mouth and then I had to take it away from them. Yeah,
(28:58):
that's parenting right there. Yeah, is parenting? All right? Good? Yeah,
all right? We got a couple more scenarios. When you
help a turtle cross the street, parenting or not parenting,
very frustrated parenting. Yes, it's like seven seconds of parenting
and okay, a little quick parenting if you just wanta
(29:18):
a dash of it, all right, And this is this
is my last one. I gotta feeding, clothing and sheltering
a clumsy teen that I'm not related to parenting or
not parenting. I feel like we've talked about this, but
I'm kinda still on the fence. I mean, I don't
feel comfortable answering that question because I feel like there's
more than those three words that you just said. So
(29:40):
I don't know if this is a parenting relationship or
a really dysfunctional marriage. So I'm gonna I'm gonna bleed
the fifth on this one. What are some other words
that you do other than feeding, clothing and sheltering, changing
the diappers, giving them your organs, eating the sack they
were bushed in. We gotta what else? Measuring them? Am
(30:01):
I missing anything? That's a that's a lot of what
it is? That's a lot. Yeah, you're just keeping them alive,
that's really the goal. And then later you're talking to them,
like guiding them through life decisions, and then eventually ideally
they sort of take care of you as you get old. Okay,
See that makes perfect sense to me. I feel like
I've got a good grasp from parenting. Cootine, Did you
(30:23):
have any scenarios you wanted to josh out there. Yeah,
Let's say let's say somebody asks their dad what sex
is and he says, your mother's least favorite thing is
that parenting? That's really bad? Sense of you are? I
think that's there's a little bit of parenting in there
that's bad parenting, but it's still parenting. You never talked
(30:44):
down your spouse in front of your child. Oh okay,
I love that. I think that's a great rule. Yeah,
what else you got? Um when when your kid asked
you for something and you say, I don't know, ask
your mother. And then you're the mother and your kid
ask you something and I said, I don't know, ask
your father, and the kid just kind of ends up
just wasting away on a Saturday with nothing to do
(31:07):
because no permission was given. Is that parenting? That's a
game of cool teen ping pong right there, and that's
how you end up in a hole. Oh nice, I've
never heard of cool teen ping pong. We just have
mud clot and mud faced down. You don't get any
ideas mud ball. We got red mud, redbud, come over,
come over. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's a favorite of mine.
(31:30):
I don't want to hear about red mud. It's just iron.
It's just the iron deposits in the soil. Well, let
me tell you. When I shout that rock out, there
was red mud like you've never seen before. Anyway, And
we're getting too graphic here. Any others, cool team before
we move on? Yeah, how about when your mom passes out?
(31:52):
On the couch and you take a lit cigarette out
of her mouth and put a blanket over her softly.
Is that parenting? You're the parent? Yeah, you're your parents,
chanting your parents. Okay, that's what I'm sad. Okay, well
just one more coolting? Can I just say something? You're
you're bombing us out hard, but keep going. Uh? What
(32:13):
about when your kid goes missing and so you file
a missing person's report, probably, and you have a big
press conference probably, and there's a big search party probably
that gets the whole community involved. But when the missing
kid doesn't turn up, you realize at a certain point
that you have to go on with your life and
take care of your children. Whose whereabouts you do know?
(32:35):
Is that parenting? Where did you hear that? Where did
you hear that? Coold sorry cooing sobbing water? You're making
so much more mud. No, I don't, I don't know.
I don't know for sure that those things happened. I
was just kind of it was conjecture that maybe there was,
you know, a really big search party, and people were
(32:56):
really worried, and now maybe nobody's coming to find that
that missing kid. Because I mean, I mean I watched
the news that I'm very active on social media. I
haven't seen anything, so I don't think anyone's looking. Coutine.
I told you there's no use, you know, but one
day we'll get to the surface, you and I as
long as you take me with you, otherwise I will
(33:17):
not let you go. Yeah, okay. And a lot of
people are actually celebrating sort of the fact that the
teen is sort of out there. Wo, that's right. The
family was so strained, right financially, I think they're they're
kind of breathing a sigh of relief. Yeah, that's true.
I didn't read about that. Huh. That's weird. But this
is just a hypothetical situation we're talking about, right, yeah, yeah,
(33:39):
yea yea yeah, yeah yeah, just hypothetical. That's just that's
just a hypothetical. But all I'll get building on my
next experiment to get up. But fells that out of
here because I know it means the world to her
to get up on that surface. Cote. I feel like
this has been a sad episode for you, So I
am going to offer you something tonight. You can cuddle
with me, and you don't have to be pharmacistic. You
(34:03):
can be a little wiggily. But if you kiss me
again on my slimy fat body, I won't. I'm gonna
put your phrase in them, Okay, I won Before you escape,
make sure the hole is fully dilated ten centimeters minimum,
ten centimeters minimum. Oh god it that was a birth joke. Yes, well,
(34:38):
I think I've got a good graph. So I want
to move into our third segment that I'm calling for.
Those looks be dirty and actually cool. Team is gonna
get their belly a little dirty as well. Yeah, here's
what we're gonna do. Hold on one second. Sorry, Wow,
what did you have for mud lunch? Wow? I had mud.
(35:01):
That's a rust burp ate, something rusty. Throw all kinds
of ship down here. Somebody's got to eat it, you know,
or it piles up. Can you like, open a window,
a window, I'm in a hole. Open the skylight, that's true.
I got the nicest skylight in town. All right. So
this third segment, here's what we're gonna do. Meg Justin,
(35:22):
I want you to interview me and Colteene for the
position of baby sitter. Now, I'm a little concerned to
sit on the baby because I do weigh the same
as three two car garages. But I think it's also
we're also sort of taking care of the baby. Yes,
we're like a sort of subbing in for the parent
(35:43):
is all right, that's right. It's not a physical description, really,
it's more of a sort of a role perfect. Okay,
so we're gonna interview. We're gonna put some tense music on,
and then I want you to interview me and Coltine.
Ask us some questions that you would ask a babysitter.
All right, let's get into it where we got all right,
what pasta experience do you have with kids? Oh? For sure,
(36:04):
I have one trap to my whole. I don't feed
him or really shelter him, but we play games. I
let him cuddle me sometimes. And uh, let's see, I
guess other than cool teen, I have never seen another
child in my whole life. Justin who are you? Who
(36:25):
are you talking? Sorry? My children had are here? Now
what they Yeah? They so you can see some like parenting.
Oh my god, almost in person. Here, Oh my god, hello,
child come here, come here. No you don't want to. Well,
I'm teaching them some people about parenting. I told them
not to follow me to the whole. But kids, you know,
(36:46):
they don't listen. You don't listen if they're scared to
come down here. I don't blame him. I'm terrified every
waking moment in my life. You are the villain of
a lot of story books. Technically, I see one, I
see one. I see a child. Yes, it's too small
to help me. Oh my gosh, what a beautiful creature.
She's so cute. What a beautiful Oh it's like a
(37:09):
mini you, but but even more beautiful. This is a
compliments that I love hearing. Let me be honest. Did
I not mention I'm attracted to everybody, exact kids. I'm
gonna drige you to kids. I do want to say
that everyone but cool teen. It seems like everyone contains
a minor Okay, I'm not a pervert, all right, I'm
not a perfect worm that likes kids. I'm a perfect
(37:31):
worm that likes humans. Coteen, what's your experience? Well, you know,
like I said, I'm the youngest, so I didn't have
a lot of siblings around a babysit. But you know,
at the camp that I was at before I sunk
in the whole, I was a c I t a
counselor in training. Is that an important position? Yeah, yeah, yeah,
Wait what's a c I t a counselor in training.
(37:54):
So I'm not technically a counselor because I'm not old enough,
but I am watching over the really little kids, and
I will say I was famous for being the strictest,
one of the most cool features a councilor and training
can have. Oh I'm sorry, Coltine, I think that is
an uncool I think, I mean, maybe you got that wrong,
being strict, but not from the parents vantage point like
(38:16):
I would. I'm here for it like I would like
a discipline structured babysitter. Okay, alright, so Colltine, I think
that's one to you. I think you got me beat there.
I think you've got more experience with kids. Let's do
the next question justin you got one? Yes, um, what
kind of meals do you like to prepare for children?
(38:36):
For children? Let's see? Oh? What can I make? What
can I make? Dirt? I can make dirt, Alla dirt
if you will. I can make um eggs, eggs And
by that, of course, I mean my eggs filled with
tiny baby worms. I haven't eaten them, but Cootine seems
to find them. Delicious. Yeah, yeah, very good. I think
(38:59):
Other than that, I don't know, maybe like a casserole ship.
I don't know what a cas is. I'm sorry, I'm lying.
I gotta I don't got a good answer to this one. Well,
you know, I think I actually would cook cast role
because as far as I understand that, casserole is where
you just um put a bunch of stuff in a
pot and put that pot in the oven. So I'm
pretty sure I got that under control. Oh, usually you
(39:21):
want to get a little more specific than what you
just said. I don't know about that. I don't know
about that. Have you had my mom's casserole? I don't
think so. This hole is a bit of a casserole,
if you ask me, we are all kinds of ship
down here. Man. Someone dropped a lawnmower down here the
other day. Pe right on me. This is a really
(39:41):
large hole. Yeah yeah, listen, it's a big asshole and
it's very deep, so you can't see me down here.
You can just faintly hear our screens. But that's about it.
But I mean, when we go up there, do you
want to follow us? Yeah? Easier said than done. Here's
the deal. I am. Maybe I haven't gotten this across.
(40:02):
I am as big as a house, I've been told,
and uh, I don't have any appendages, so I can sell.
The child is back. Yes, this is the This is
another child here. Say say hello, Hello, you're so beautiful.
You're scaring her warm Wow, cool teen. I'm glad you're
not the only child I've seen, you know, because these children, God,
(40:23):
they're like angels. Yeah, that's just very nice. They are
like angels and they don't ever do anything wrong. Right,
what's that sound there? They're making a sound. What is that?
Oh that's laughter. I don't know. Cool. Team doesn't never laugh?
Oh okay, no, no, no, we laugh. We laugh for sure.
I didn't know if it was some sort of signal
(40:44):
of a feed me or change my diapper. And oh
they climb, yes they do, this is um. They climb
on all of the mud bunk bed that you have
here in your hole. Oh wonderful a bunk bed. That's cool.
Maybe that's one for another time. Any other questions before
you decide who your babysit is going to be? Um?
(41:04):
Do you know CPR? Like, what if there was an emergency,
would you be able to help the child out. I
am an expert at CPR, and by that I assume
you meet um centipedes in pools of rectal fluid. I did. Actually,
that's oh yeah, I can. I'm an expert at that
(41:27):
Centerpede famously love rector fluid. Excellent rector. You say, what
about your CULTI nine, I don't know anything about centipedes
and pools a rectal fluid. So alright, that's a point
to you. But the alright, so we were to one.
I think honestly, centipedes and pulls the rector fluid is
basically what we're doing right now. That might be the
name of this podcast center. You know it's gonna be
(41:50):
on the surface. But I agree, centipedes in pools of
rector fluid. Maybe we can we can throw that in
the title. Maybe that's like the comedians in cars drink
in coffee version of this. Well, that sounds like a
terrible show. People watch it. Wow, podcast burn people, that's amazing. Wow,
(42:11):
Um suddenly not worried about my podcast doing well. I
mean that would be like you saying people in holes
having candles. That sounds fun. You put a candle in
a hole you don't know what's gonna happen. What's flammable,
what's not flammable? There's nowhere to run a lot of
(42:32):
noxious gases. Yeah, wow, Okay, the child is back and
it's climbing on Justin. It's climbing on you. Yes, this
is a very common human child thing to do, climbing
on data. Oh that's cute. That's a nicknamed dada. If
you pretended that the hole was data, can you climb
(42:52):
over it? It's so so deep and the walls they're
so so muddy. I've tried so many times. I even
tried to make a tower of all the non working
microwaves that are down here, and I couldn't get to
the top of it. I have a feeling that's the
only way that but Belles and I are going to
get out of here is together. I mean, look, I'm
(43:13):
not I'm not mad at you, but I am disappointed,
Oh that you're not doing your best parenting? Yea, was
that parenting? That's parenting right there? Very disappointed in your
quotin Wow, cool teen, try harder. I feel sad because
of what you said, but I feel glad that you
cared enough to say it. Put that on a pillow.
(43:34):
Put that on a pillow and choke on it. No way,
what sleep on it? Whoa Okay, I want to put
put that on a pillow, a choke on it, on
a pillow. Put that on a pillow and choke on it.
Leap on it. Folks, you heard it here first. That's
gonna be their new sing sweep in the Nation. Very
famous quote by Max. Sleep on it, sleep on it
absolutely all right. That's get another question. Um, what do
(43:58):
you want to do outside of babysitting with your life?
Good question? Wow, Like what are my dreams? I want
to be? Where the people I want to? She want to?
She done walking along on there? Are you calling cotine?
What are you calling? Uh birkin stocks. That's fucking wrong,
(44:22):
cotine its feet? God damn it. Well I think that
pretty much sums it up. I'm so used to Cool
team crying. It was wild to see you crying. Thank you. Yeah,
it's crazy when worms cry because we don't have eyes.
I love that Prince song. Your body is like watering
right now. Like that's interesting. It's water. It's sort of like, um,
(44:42):
you know, someone threw a sprinkler system down here once,
just kind of it's just kind of shooting una everywhere,
you know. Come to think of it, most of my
time is spent shooting stuff out of my body. What
a lifestyle. So that's what you're saying, your aspiration is
as a babysitter. No, that's more of a hobby. I
think my ask rage. I think my aspiration is to
get to the surfish, get extreme plastic surgery. So it
(45:06):
looked like a human wiggle my way through sex and
favors and betrayal, work my way to the top of
the human system and become their queen. I've trud of
pretty much sums it up. Oh, I also want to
be a singer, for sure. It's beautiful. I'd like to
see the age of twenty. Oh good, that's a good dream.
(45:26):
I would know you right now. Fourteen Maybe I don't know.
I I think today's my fourteenth birthday. But I might
have been wrong about the scratches on the wall. You know,
cool teen has been down here for a while. They're
kind of a permanent fixture. And if I if I'm
taking my nap between eleven fifty and twelve ten, that
I don't even register that another noon has passed, So
I might not clock. That is two different days, and
(45:49):
it's hard to keep track on a with scratches on
a muddy wall. Yeah, especially when I have to make
room for more um cave boob drawings that I'm always doing. Yes, yeah,
and then some of the little hatches fill in pretty
quick because again it's mud. So sorry, my child, I'm
just screamed, I did poopies from the bathroom area. Oh wow,
(46:11):
Oh that's so exciting. Thank you. I'm getting emotional. The
child did poopies. I want to be a parent. I
don't know what's going on. If your hobby is excreting
stuff through holes, adding a child who will also do
that very same thing is a great idea for you. Wow.
Can we get a mic over there, justin there's some
(46:34):
pick this up? Yeah, definitely. Well, if there's any updates
on the I made poopy situation, please let us know.
Interrupt whatever we're talking about. I gotta know about these poopies.
When in Rome do is? When in mud do is?
The mud group does? Thank you for saying that I
don't know what Rome is? Alright? Any other any other
(46:54):
questions for me? And Cooltine before you choose your babysitter, Well, cooltine,
what are living to? It was the aspiration outside of davidsitting. Absolutely.
I forgot briefly because it was so sad. Honestly, I
think you're aiming too high or being a singer. Um, okay, colotine.
I feel like you just copied my answer. No, no, no,
(47:15):
I've said that so many times. That's a common thing
that parents and children do, is the child will copy
the answer from the parents. See. I hate that because
I need to feel special. Yeah, then parenting is not
for you, all right. You know what, I've decided. I'm
never gonna be a parent. It's official. I never want
a parent. I love kids, but I just don't want
(47:39):
them to be mine. Does that make sense totally? I
would say. Then, I guess you can stop blasting the
thousands of transparent worm children out of your rock hole.
Oh no, I'm still gonna do that for sure. Yeah,
Mammy loves to blassom kids, you know. But yeah, I
think I'll keep abandoning them and maybe they'll get adopt
Maybe they'll get adopt. You your mom and dad both both,
(48:02):
I'm both. I'm sort of a you know, I identify
as a mud freak. Really nice to Yeah, my pronouns
are let's see, Cooltine told me pronouns are how people
refer to you. I guess my pronouns would be um,
oh my god? What is that? And quick? Somebody kill it.
That's where I'm at gender wise to say andrew your question. Yeah, alright,
(48:23):
it's time choose your babysitter me a big worm famous
for abandoning their children and shipping all over the place,
or a fourteen year old who uh, I'm just gonna
say it will probably kill the kid, but up to you. Wow. Well,
let me throw out one final, the most important question.
(48:44):
What's your rate? All these other questions are trash. What's
your rate? Like payment? Yeah? But how much do you
want to be paid per hour for watching our children?
Per hour? What do I want to be paid for hour?
Can we just do a lump some of get me
the funk out of this hole? Okay, what about your
cool teen? I'll take four bucks an hour? Damn it,
(49:06):
cool teen? You know with babysitters what he's here at
rate that low, it's almost more of a cause for concern.
I'll take it. I'll take it your higher, cool Teine, Yes,
thank you. I could make money off you. Absolutely. I'm
a cool team too, but let's work out of schedule.
Cool TEENK. Sometimes they for you and sometimes they be
for me. Okay, fair, Oh'm sorry, someone just rang the
(49:28):
whole bell. Looks like a new dumpster for trash is
being delivered, and I was just saying, I love how
respectful the community is that they're in a bell before
they dump book stuff into your hole. You know, it's
at least a good deal. That is so nice. You
know you're an important part of this community, whether you
know it or not. That's really beautiful way of looking
(49:50):
at trash about to rain down on us. It's really good.
Do you think I'm a part of the community. I
that means so much to me. You know, you want
to be where the people are, but you already are
where the people are. Okay, I guess that makes sense.
(50:10):
I mean think of it like the circle of life,
you know, like this is better at all ends, and
then you give it new life. Did you know I
can put my whole body in a circle. I can
guess my own butt. Just saying, honestly, human centipede vibes
coming out of this place. It's very strong. I feel
like it makes me a good babysitter. I feel like
if I kissed my own butt, a kid would just
(50:31):
do that laughter thing. I think that makes you a
great one night stand interesting. All right, I'll have to
I have to figure out try to google that. I'm
sure just pictures of boobies will come up again. But
that's some flexibility and I can well, I gotta say,
I gotta say me, Justin, thank you so much for
(50:52):
calming down into the hole. Justin. Is there anything you'd
like to plug? Getting out of a hole? The any
holier and get out of it? And I guess you
can follow me on Twitter at j T Sizzle, a
normal parents Twitter handle. That's the sound that my body
makes when it gets fried by the sun, Little JT. Sizzle.
(51:14):
That's right, classic j D Sizzle. Maggie, got anything to
promote anything going on? No, just follow me on Instagram
or Twitter. My handles make shop five to nine. And yeah,
if you find yourself in a hole, don't give off,
but just tell yourself here in a hole, it's okay. Wow,
that was beautiful. That's good. Take ownership of it and
(51:36):
check out. I do a show with someone named Sarah
Smallwood parsons Um called characters welcome. Oh she sounds cool. Yes,
it's cool. You can check it out on the YouTube
slash characters Welcome. What do you think of her? How
would you describe her? Um, she's like um, sort of
a human worm like you befels. The scale tips toward worm,
(51:57):
but its scale tips toward human on her end. Interesting. Okay,
sounds like a freak if you ask me. But she's
a mud freak. She's a mud freak. She's a mud freak.
All right, Well, you know what any mud freaky yours
is a mud freak of mine. Put that on a pedal.
The child is back. Okay, well, you know what. We
gotta wrap up, but I'm just gonna watch this child,
do it. Think that's our episode to stay muddy? Everybody?
(52:21):
You ain't my son, my mom, fucking step son, I
don't know, don't shed but she doesn't. I didn't do them.
She
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