March 29, 2023 • 33 mins
Despite best efforts by law makers, old people have sex sometimes. Today’s episode unfortunately is about that. Unrelated to old people bumping parts, Dr. Pitts also talks to her husband Patrick. Featuring Bowen Yang.
About Sudi Green:
Sudi Green is an Emmy-nominated writer and comedian. She has written for Saturday Night Live, Shrill (Hulu), I Love That For You (Showtime) and numerous variety specials and awards shows. Her on-screen credits include The Other Two, Girls, and Red Oaks. A recent NY transplant to LA, you can see Sudi performing live comedy that a friend from home described as ‘very expressive.’
Find her on Instagram @sudigreen and Twitter @Sudi_Green
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:03):
Parks Talk, Parts Talk, Punks Talk, Punks Talk. Oh my god,
episode four already. Wow? Wow, it really makes you think,
you know, time passes, the sun rises, the sunsets, We're
(00:26):
all just humans on this rock. Kinachs insignificant. You start
a podcast episode one, and then all of a sudden
it's episode four, you know, And and pretty soon I'm
just gonna be in the ground, and my hair is
gonna be real long, and bugs are gonna be eating
my fingernails, And it just really makes you think, Okay,
should we start now? Oh, you've been recording the whole time. Hello, viewers,
(00:50):
this is Parts Talk with me, Doctor Nancy Pitts O B.
G Y N and Classic Belaware Lady. How's my week been? Well?
My husband Patrick got an air friar, so you tell
me now. He's there frying everything. I mean, I had
fried miso soup the other day. You want their soup
to be crunchy? Okay, that's just tofu this man. I
(01:13):
gotta give him poised to entertain himself like the air friar,
otherwise he'll be barking up my tree for you know what.
Qu A l I T y Tim Quality Time The
other day He was asking me to go on a
nature walk with him, and I says, Patrick, why don't
you just jack off into the toilet like the other
husband's okay, we're better get get drunk and sleep on
(01:36):
the lazy boys like a real man. All the men
in my family fell asleep in chairs. It's just what
you do. It's not his faulty as board. He's my
ass husband, or as I guess they call him now,
a himbo. But he wasn't always an unemployed you know,
you sto own an edible soap store, and he went
on Shark's tank. Thought he was going to be a millionaire,
(01:58):
but then he ended up boofing all all over Laura
grand Year or whatever her name is. Does biff mean Barford?
Doesn't mean fart? Why are you barkst on her? So
since then I've retired my husband because I said, just
do what he liked to do at home. He's been
really needi lately, so I took him to breakfast over
the weekend, which brings me do Biden spotty? Does anyone
(02:24):
know if the Biden granddaughters waitress at Perkins? I thought
I saw one of them there. You know, they're beautiful girls,
the granddaughters beautiful saw them at the inauguration. They look
like an ad for the King of Prussia. Mall. I mean,
I was impressed they got James Ens. Let me tell
you bike. You know, we had to leave the Perkins
(02:45):
before it could get and good look at the waitress
because Patrick brought our dog Amtrack and Amtrak was barking
like there was a dupot chemical fire. I mean, I
swear to God, it's our fault. It's our fault. We
got Amtrak from the same breeder that the Bidens got
their last dog. You remember Major, Yeah, the one that
was a threat to national security. This dog tried to
(03:08):
take the old guy out and now jos All went
around like he slipped in the shower. It's not good
for the country the dog Major. And I can say
this because I'm an abgyn. The dog was undercooked. Okay,
that's what you get for going to a breeder. The
DNA is too close together. Maybe we should just do
(03:29):
to Amtrak what the White House did a Major. I mean,
they sent Major to a farm. And you can't see
on the podcast, but I'm doing air quotes when I
talk about send them to a farm, and good Witance.
You know, I hope they killed him. I really do. Anyway,
talking about my husband, and I guess my dog brings
us to the real meat and potatoes of the episode.
(03:52):
Today's topic is bobbing years six. Unfortunately, old people have
sex too. And when my mom went into her assistant
living facility, I mean the clap spread like wildfire crotch,
so much clap. I thought when am I at a
production of Hamilton and I wish I was because I
(04:12):
saw a tour of Hamilton and Philly a couple of
years ago, and my best girlfriend, her name's also Nancy.
Oh my god, it was amazing. They got George Washington,
Thomas Jefferson, they're all rapping. I mean they never would
have done that. They didn't even have rap back then.
It is so creative. And the other thing is all
(04:33):
these Founding Fathers. They're black in the musical. I guess what,
guys in real life they were actually white. It really
makes you think, It really makes you think. And also
the songs are real good. Anyway, speaking of my mother
having sex, I go visit her on Mother's Day and
I'm giving out penicillin like greeting cards. Okay, this woman
(04:57):
She says to me, this woman, this woman, and I'm
talking about the woman who brought me into this world,
my dear mother. She tells me, oh, Nancy, guess what,
I got a boyfriend. And she keeps telling me her
boyfriend is her first love, which is write to my pop. Okay,
she said to me the other day, she says, your
(05:18):
father never could satisfy me like I care. My dad
paid for my college and he scared the shit out
of all of my boyfriends. As far as I'm concerned,
he did his duty. His husband, Well, what are you
gonna do? She's eighty and she's hornier than my Marcus
when he goes to his sister volleyball games. Relax, he's
staring at her friends, not his sister, although you know
(05:38):
I wouldn't put it past him. She's got a body
on her. And I can say that because she's my daughter.
And Aaron, if you're listening, enjoy a while, alass, because
he got my same hair, of my same pitts, and
I know where that shit goes south. All that's to say,
my horny mother really inspired today's episode, which brings us
to our first segment, Tips for old people who want
(06:03):
to have sex, even though when we think about it
it makes us want to spew. Sex is always weird,
but exactly how weird it is changes as we get older.
You get older, your joints are stiff, you can't move
like he used to. The penis is less out than
paying a little more wet noodle, and of course in
(06:23):
menopause there's all sorts of dryness that occurs. Now, I'm
only forty two, but God took away my period as
a reward for bringing so many of his children into
the world, and as a result, I've got the early pause.
And let me tell you, I love it. I'm boiling
hot about once an hour, but I am about tampons
about four years. So let's go through some of our
(06:46):
top tips for the elderly who want to get it on.
Tip number one, poys are your friends as you get older,
your dexterity lessons. You know how it's taking you a
little extra time to button that button, Well, you don't
want that to mean you can't press her button. See
next Chris miss or Easter. Ask your grandkids to buy
(07:09):
you a vibrator and yeah, it also works as a
back passager. Tip number two, lots of things are sex.
Sex doesn't mean in outcome. Sex can be cuddling, watching porn,
edging side by side, diddle aka mutual masturbation, or maybe
(07:30):
you just buck parts until one of youse gets tired.
The point is, don't think of sex as a failure
if it's not what we traditionally think of as sex. Yeah,
you want to know what My idea of an orgasm
is a cleanhouse and I get in a solid couple
of episodes of yellow Stones before I pass out. Best
case scenario, no one touches me. Tip number three bring reinforcements.
(07:58):
The mind baby willing, but the body she's got some
catching up to do. That's where science comes in. Last Christmas,
I went to Kinkos and had a hundred copies of
Viagra prescriptions made, and I'm just passing those out of
the retirement home like Candy and lou Blue Blue. Step
number five talk about sex. Whether you've got a hot
(08:21):
nursing home boy boy hook up, or it's your huband
the fifty years, The hottest sex is communicative sex. And
it might go a little something like this, stimulate my PRUSHTYEP,
you're what my BRUSHTYEP, you're a right by prusty girl
(08:44):
up state. No finger in the butt. Okay, I'm growing
like that. Oh okay, Miracle alert, miracle alert. This is
very important medical information for the public. The older you are,
(09:06):
the more difficult conception is. However, miracles do happen and
they are gross. Don't let this be you. I had
a fifty eight year old comment my unit pregnant, and
I've got sweats to say this, but the baby came
out old. Okay, Benjamin Button style. But only difference is
(09:28):
I don't think this one's coming out looking like Brad
Pitt in forty years. I think that they're gonna look
more like those dance and raisins you know that come
on before the movie plays, even though I think those
raisins are racist. Now, okay, okay, let's get into some questions.
I'm really excited about this Q and A about sex
and any age because we got a lot of questions
(09:51):
because I guess old people aren't afraid to write letters.
Pulled on one second, Oh God, he's calling me. It's
just Patrick. Okay, I'll call him later. Say. Our first
question comes from Hoho kessin haughty? Who kessin haughty? Says
I'm danged the man in his seventies and want to
know will I be charged with murder if I fuck
(10:13):
my partner to death? I need an answer very quickly.
Please help me. Okay, well, then cassin hatty if you
want my honest opinion, there's a lot worse ways to go.
Might as well go out having a good time. Also,
it sounds like you do need to call him nine
one one right now, so you know, stop listening to
(10:33):
the podcast and go do that question number two ski Boomer.
Ski Boomer says, I was ski in the Pocono Poconess. Nice,
I was ski in a few weeks ago, and I
hurt myself real bad. Do you recommend any fun sex
positions for someone with a bad back and a bad
knee and a new hip and a bad shoulder. And
also I get busy when I stand up too fast?
(10:56):
Do I have any fun sex positions for you? No?
Take a hint. God doesn't want you to. You know.
I had knee surgery a few years ago and went
on bedrust for six weeks. Patrick, God bless him. He
tries to get on top of me as delicately as possible,
but it just made it worse. I made him sit
on the floor while I diddled myself. Think about John
(11:17):
Legend finishing about forty eight seconds. Oh, speak at the devil. Okay,
he's calling me again. Ignore stop calling me. I am
at work, all right. This next question, Anomalous says, what
should I do if I accidentally mix up my VIAGRAA
with my morning vitamins and I have to go to
work with a Rocky Balboa in my pants. This is
(11:41):
funny that they asked this because this actually happens to
my Patrick all the time, and I usually tell him
to stop at the Duncans. You know, get a couple
of boxes of donuts, your sprinkle classics, your jelly fills,
your corollers, maybe a seasonal one, and then carried around
the office all day, you know, pretending like you're doing
something nice and giving out free donuts, but really like
the box is kind of covering your pecker, if you
(12:03):
know what I mean. Plus, people are much more forgiving
of an accidental bone or when they got a mouthful
of cruller. Jesus's text to me, are you at work? No,
I'm getting my asshole bleached. I'm always at work. Okay.
Next question, Anonymous says, I can't find my penis. Where
did it go? Oh God? This happens to Patrick Doo
(12:25):
And it's actually a very real condition called buried penis,
And don't worry. It's super uncommon. It just means he
got a lot of foreskin or a lot of ball sack.
What try rolling it down sort of like a popsicle,
you know, the wrapper, and just dig around in there.
Don't worry, your penis don't disappear. Okay, We've got another
(12:47):
question from anonymous and I'm missending in a lot of questions,
says my partner only wants to have sex if we
turn on an episode of yellow Stones at full volume
while we're doing it. Is this normal? Okay? You know
what these questions are all from? Patrick? What the heck
is he doing? Let me give him a call. Patrick.
(13:08):
You know, if I had known that, it would have
taken me twenty questions. I'm playing twenty questions with these
over here on the phone. Patrick, I pulled us. I
was at work and I'm recording my radio show podcast Nance.
I know the day to day, Okay, I'm putting together
your schedule. I'm looking at Google Cow. I'm basically your
assistant at this point, I just come home. Okay, Nance,
(13:31):
I'm missus Patrick. I am looking at the cow right now. Yeah,
what's it's down the cow? What's it's and the cow?
NaN's take a close d do a close read to
the cow. Okay, And that's gonna be a mea culpo
on Nance's part because I am seeing that it's our anniversary.
(13:51):
It's our anniversary. I feel so bad at our anniversary.
And that's why you've been paxt then that's why I've
been texting. I'm not trying to make you feel any
type of way, but I just but but I'm just saying,
this is the big this is the ghost tour anniversary.
This is the first date was the ghost tour and
Bethany Beach. Oh my god, now you're taking me back. Okay, folks.
(14:14):
So Patrick and I, as you know, we met at
ud that's University at the Delaware and uh yeah, on
our first date, he took me on a ghost tour
of Bethany Beach. But um, because Bethany Beach is actually
such a Christian town, it was a pretty boring ghost
tour is a boring ghost tour, and they said everyone's
(14:37):
gone to heaven. You're not going to see the ghosts
here because you know they don't believe in the purgatory
or some such. We go, you know, we Christian ghost tour, Okay,
And I'm really excited because I'm thinking, Oh, I'm with
this guy, Patrick, my husband currently. Back then, when we
you know, we were we were young, and uh, you know, Patrick,
I hope I'm not speaking out of school. You do
(14:59):
with a little different back then, Yeah, I had I had,
I had the gutters. Yeah, and I had a I mean,
I mean Trice tricep And I remember telling my mom
about shoes and being like, I met this guy. I
think he's the one. He's got gutters. Then I had
midlife scoliosis spine kind of you knows say that. Yeah,
(15:20):
that was terrible. And he had a herniated disk and
he was on bed rest for six months. I had
to hire a nanny for him. And this is the thing.
Nance can do nothing to help me. Nancy's like, I'm
I don't I don't go down there. I'm on the
other side of the body. You know, it's not I
don't do the back stuff. I don't do the back
(15:41):
stuff at all. And always asking me to do the back,
and you tell me that you look to look from
the front. I like to do it from the front.
I think if you're married, you should do it from
the front. Nancy, you didn't even put me in the
damn stirrups. All I wanted was like one little ride
on the stirrups. He wouldn't even do that for me,
you know, I you know this is actually I'm getting
(16:03):
upset because I'm reminiscent a little too hard, and it's
just a lot of it's just a lot of moments
where you weren't there for me, Nance and I'm older.
You're cooking. I'm cooking meals for you with the air
fryer every day. Patrick. How many times I have to
tell you this, Okay, I'm there for you financially. Here's
paying for that air friar? Okay, Who's panned for Marcus's
(16:24):
hockey go equipment? Who's paying for Aaron's uggs? Okay? Nancy
is so yeah, your role is the air friar. Your
role is taking care of the dogs. You kind of
make the house a home while I'm out, you know,
bringing babies into the world and a pan or mortgage.
That's it. That's tale. Is all this time. Patrick, Okay,
(16:48):
I understand, I understand and listen. I don't have no
qualms about the gender roles being what they are. I
knowed you then you're very well Patrick. I always say
that about you. I always send it to the nurses
on my unit. I say, you know, say what you
want a boy, my husband, Patrick piece extremely wet well
pray twenty twelve. We'll say you would even say worked
because I because I you know, my You've I've undiagnosed
(17:13):
what's it called? What's it called when you can't sleep?
I'm not the medical expert. You this is what it's
called insomnia? Well, I don't know. I don't know the
word because I'm awake every freaking hour. Every waking hour
for me is twenty four I've got I'm awake the
whole time. No, so you're kind of a zombie. I'm zombie. Fine. Also,
(17:34):
all I'm gonna say is, ever since you started to
listen to a stair Perell girl, you're going, oh, oh,
I'm the financial You know, you and I are financial partners.
We're financial soul maids. I bankroll all your stuff at home.
As long as you looks at the Google Californy, and
I go, I don't want that nance. I want you
to look at my potential and grown hairs. I'm shaving
(17:56):
with a single razor with a single blade down there,
and you won't even look at my damns grow. Oh. Patrick,
I'm sorry, I really am sorry. And I know and
I know everything you do for me, and I do
notice your ingram heres. I just don't want to say
nothing about it because I don't want to embarrass you.
But I do notice. And I love it when I
(18:19):
get my aired Peeban jay in the morning and it's
it's in the fridge with my Chinese chicken salad. I
love them. You do that, I really do. Do you
like it when I air fried the lettuce? I like
it when you air fried the lettuce. I like it
when you air fried soup. I like it. What was
that thing you meet the other day? It was like
(18:41):
a vegan corn dog began corn dog with this sloppy
joe filling. It wasn't a weener. Well, Patrick, I don't
want to air out our dirty laundry on my radio
podcast show, but um, I guess it's too late. Uh.
I'll just be honest with you, you know, the successive parts.
Dog's really gone to my head, and I'm kind of
(19:03):
looking in the mirror and I'm seeing myself differently, and
I'm walking a little taller, and you know, maybe it's
a classic case if I forgot the people who brought
me here. Yeah, and I don't want you to think
that your husband of nineteen years is one of the
little people. Okay, and look, what's the topic this episode?
Old people? The topic is elderly sex. Old people just
(19:27):
say old people. Okay, Well, I'm trying to make it
pec but uh, you know, yeah, I mean it's old
people slapping parts. But I don't really want to think
about that with us, you know, like, yeah, you had
your scolios, this whole thing, and you know, I tore
a lot with Marcus and so that was a whole journey,
(19:51):
you know. But I guess I don't really want to
think about us having sex from the world or really
us having sex now, to be honest, I don't say
that nance you and I watched and just like that
together and he said, oh, fifties and you thirty, and
you're not even there yet. You're not even fifty yet.
We're both in our late forties. Over her love and life.
(20:14):
I'm going crazy with the air Friar home, setting up
the Google cow, putting trumpets in the cases for Marcus
and Aaron. We're raising two trumpets. What are we doing?
Raising care trumpet? Okay, this is something that I need
to talk about. Actually, I'm glad you brought this up. Patrick,
Marcus starts playing the trumpet at eleven. Okay, that actually
(20:35):
has a lot of sense. Boy playing trumpet, Boy play trumpet.
Aaron at sixty, she's a sophomore in high school. She
starts playing the trumpet. Okay, I part a daughter no
matter what, but not everything needs to be supported. Nance
This is the thing. I don't think the podcast changed it.
(20:57):
I think You've always been this person who's, you know,
been a little hesitant to be there for people. That's why,
that's why as you didn't know that this was our
anniversary today, I kinda think it's almost like burthen Babies.
Every single day. I feel like I'm there for people
(21:19):
on the first day, most important day of their life,
and then after that I kind of get a free pass.
And I'm realizing, Patrick, baby, that's a big issue for me. Yeah,
and maybe we should get on us there, Parrel's podcast
(21:39):
and exams that together dance. I think we're doing all
the work here, no mediator needed. I think we can
work this out right now on Parts Talk, and I
think the listeners are really gonna love it. I think
you're gonna get even more listeners. I'm looking at the
analytics every week. I'm going, Wow, month over month of
(22:00):
growth is hockey sticks. Baby, you're looking at the analytics.
He never tell me you're looking at my radio podcast analytics.
I read podcast statistics for dommies in one sitting for you, Babe, Patrick,
you are the wind beneath my wings. I just don't
even know what you're doing. I mean, you're like, what's
(22:22):
that thing? Like Jesus in the sand? I only saw
one set of footprints. Babe, you're cheering me like Jesus
saw at the beach. And I don't even know. It's
not my job to tell you. I'm just over here
saying every day I want to try to recreate something
with you. That's the same thing as me going, Hey,
(22:42):
let's drive from Newark down to Bethany Beach. It's only
two hours because we're not going to because we're leaving
world early in the morning and it's date number one.
And we went to a Christian ghost tour that was
extremely short, fifteen minutes. And the whole time I was spoofing,
I would get really spooked, so what could chop into
(23:04):
your arms? But the only time they had was eleven
Aya and so it was bright daylight out kind of
like midsommer before they did midsommer, you know, like scary daylight.
But it wasn't even scary. It was it daylight. And
then I'll never forget it turned to me at eleven
fifteen when the ghost tour is over, and you said,
let's go down to the floor walking get a cone
(23:24):
from course, can I remember that cone? And you got
oh cherry dip a cone and I got a chocolate
dip cone. Do you remember that? I remember that. I
try to make a cherry joke. But I knew you
were in school that you wanted to, you know, look
at vaginas someday, and you know, I thought would be
in poor taste. Yeah, But then I was eating that
(23:48):
chocolate dip scone and I meet sure you saw all
the play down light throat, because I said, this man's
gotta know the skills that Nancy has. Oh my god,
Patrick reminiscent about Bethany Beach is getting me a kind
of hot in my seat. Yeah. Yeah. And the funniest
(24:10):
part is you and I didn't even do nothing until
the seventh day. Well, no, because I'm a good Catholic girl. No, no, right, yeah,
and you were going to respect me because I'm no whore. No,
You're not a whore, I know, no, of course, no. No.
I mean, like, this podcast is about sexual health, and
this podcast is a no slut shaming zone. But I'll
just say to slut shame myself, which I could never
(24:33):
because I'm no whore. You know you're not. There's no slut.
I'm not a dirty girl. No, you're not doing any
sort of auto slut shaming because you know you were
never a whole Like on the first day. If I
don't care about you is yeah, I'll sucking fuck anything.
But when it comes to my husband, Patrick, yeah, I'm
not sleeping with you until the seventh eighth day. You
(24:55):
got to meet my father first, because you're my husband,
and I ain't a dirty girl. Now before yous, I
was this and that and traps and all over town.
As I know, you were as well, Patrick, because I
had in my mind a couple of gals that I
know around the University of the Dolaware campus that I
knows he's what's fooling around with. But guess what a
(25:17):
man's going to be A man's people don't know about
my medical peculiarity there? Do they have you told anybody's what? What? What?
What's wrong? What's what's wrong? Darling hippo, that's not I'm
I'm to disclose. I'm gonna say it disclosed, babe, disclose
tell the people might asked deference a shot. I'm over
(25:40):
here horny is hell every day waiting for my wife
to come home. I'm horny, but I got nothing off. Okay.
It's like when someone you know, making working class weightes
want to be philanthropist, you know, don't really work out.
But you're talking about your brother, talking about my brother,
and I'm talking about my dick. Yeah, anytime I climax,
nothing comes out. It's what us in the medical community
(26:03):
call a ghost nut. Yeah, it's a ghost super Patrick
is Uh. He's as hot for me as a and
basically all you know, I wear shorts around the house
and he's at full mast and the kids and the
dogs can see. I mean he doesn't care. No, there's
no there's no like hazard or anything. No. I mean
every time I hear the dog's bark and I'm like, oh,
(26:24):
Patrick's walking around a full mast again. I know, I know,
you know, and you know not to get too graphic.
But we hop and we pump, you know, once a
month because we're married, and I made a vow, and
we hop and we pump, and it gets to that
magic moment and pumping. There's no final moment. Okay, you
(26:49):
start to realize that the water fountain is out of order.
Instead of an old faithful you're kind of getting just
like a balloon that pomps. What's it feel like, Patrick,
Because it looks like it's that feels good. I do
feel the cartilage sort of move in a little bit.
Oh the blood's flowing, for sure. Yeah, it feels nice.
But there's nothing, um, there's nothing coming out. And you know,
(27:13):
it works out for us because there's no cleanup. There's
no cleanup. And you know what I say, when this
little problem came up, thank god, we had our two children,
oh my god, before this came up, and our little
miracles because imagine no and my vast deference not being functional.
No more is I think God giving me a gift.
(27:33):
It's a blessing because I bless the world with Sorry
Marcus Merit Hey, good God. Marcus and Aaron are two
beautiful children, and the world needs two more trumpet plays.
Are two little trumpet leaders. God, he know. I just
s think about Marcus, her son at Powis sheets, at
(27:56):
everything in this room, and honestly the base with absolutely
covered in cold. Then Eric got she's had a bristed
she was seven years old, because she's her mother's door.
Then I just look at her and I think die.
And my daughter is that they might cost me. I
(28:17):
just want you then, fine, blood the wrist, that's the
one hive you. I am so happy he need. I
want to die in your arms. I want to die.
I want to I want someone to kill you while
(28:39):
I'm bolding you. I didn't remember the last taking the
note fock patch. That's how I want to go. Listen. No, no, no,
not on our anniversary. We can't do this, baby. I've
turned it over for a new week. I'm gonna renew
my vows right now. Let's renew our vows. Right now
(28:59):
on the podcast house on parts Talk Okay, over the fat.
It's exactly how we should be doing it, exactly. I'll go.
I'll go first. Thank you, okay, I pinky promise too,
never complain about the podcast growth, especially since I'm the
one basically behind the scenes. Check in the megaphone dot
(29:21):
fm site looking at the numbers every day. Don't my god,
look at the Look at the line on this raft.
It looks like a damn hockey stick. It's going up, up, up,
with a sharp upward turn. I promise to give you
the space to succeed in this, in this space, in
the digital podcast space. I promise to air Frau, a
(29:43):
PB and J a Chinese chicken salad every morning waiting
for you in the fridge. I promise to make sure
Marcus don't have no ghost now when he grows up,
and that Aaron keeps her huge, huge breasts proportional to
her body size and wait for the rest of her life.
(30:04):
She needs to get a reductionable support her that's what
she wants, if that's what she wants. But Patrick, that
was so beautiful. Thank you Nan. Those were the most
beautiful vows. Those were more beautiful than the vows that
even did it our wedding day, and honestly don't really
remember them because I was hammered. That was I, but
not as beautiful as the way you looked at the
Christian ghosts. Okay, let me think I were so beautiful
(30:26):
that day? Was that beautiful you were? You were ravishing
and beautiful. I'm gonna cry cry nice, I'm not. I
got it. I'm good. I'm good. I can't beat my Browns. Patrick,
to you, my hubband, my house huband of nineteen years,
Patrick Pitts. By the way, baby, thanks for taking my
(30:47):
last name. I found to be more emotionally vulnerable and
emotionally available, if not physically available, to you. To not
let the massive success on my podcast parts talk, to
(31:07):
go to my head and to remember my roots, my foundation,
my core as OBGYN mother and wife and dog mom.
And also I make the best sangria on our block.
You do you put Parson everyone's too afraid to put Parson.
(31:28):
I vow dull apples. Sorry, I vow to jack you
off at least once a week, penetration once a month
for the rest of my life, until your boner does
whatever it does. I don't know if the viewers really
(31:50):
got this from the ghost nut part when we talked
about that. But there is a release. The boner is there,
and then the boner is gone. There is just no nut.
There's just no nut. And the reason it's called a
ghost nut is partially I think I'm getting the etymology
right is that it is possessed. Oh, I think, I
(32:10):
do think. I think that the theory is all the
medical professionals and my wife notwithstanding, say that I have
a ghost living in my penile connection. And my final
vow to you, Patrick Pitts is that I will forever
take a ghost tour of your ghost haunted penis for
(32:32):
the rest of my life and never look at another man,
whether he be Joe Biden or anybody in the Biden
family who I secretly find extremely attractive, no matter the gender.
Speaking of Joe, I got something waiting on the sons
(32:52):
for you. You want me to play it? Give me
a little sneak peek, babe, Alexa, play our special song
of your baby. Um Baby, I'm coming here right now.
He's better be wet now, baby baby, I'm about to
slip off this dang podcasting chair. I'm gonna go right now.
(33:16):
Well fits. This has been Patrick Pitts, my Bolts schooldiosist,
thought of a husband, father of my two kids. God,
I love him. I'm gonna go home and write him
until his dick falls off. Thank you so much for
listening to Parks Podcast.
Parks Talk, Parts Talk, Punks Talk, Punks Talk. Oh my god,
episode four already. Wow? Wow, it really makes you think,
you know, time passes, the sun rises, the sunsets, We're
(00:26):
all just humans on this rock. Kinachs insignificant. You start
a podcast episode one, and then all of a sudden
it's episode four, you know, And and pretty soon I'm
just gonna be in the ground, and my hair is
gonna be real long, and bugs are gonna be eating
my fingernails, And it just really makes you think, Okay,
should we start now? Oh, you've been recording the whole time. Hello, viewers,
(00:50):
this is Parts Talk with me, Doctor Nancy Pitts O B.
G Y N and Classic Belaware Lady. How's my week been? Well?
My husband Patrick got an air friar, so you tell
me now. He's there frying everything. I mean, I had
fried miso soup the other day. You want their soup
to be crunchy? Okay, that's just tofu this man. I
(01:13):
gotta give him poised to entertain himself like the air friar,
otherwise he'll be barking up my tree for you know what.
Qu A l I T y Tim Quality Time The
other day He was asking me to go on a
nature walk with him, and I says, Patrick, why don't
you just jack off into the toilet like the other
husband's okay, we're better get get drunk and sleep on
(01:36):
the lazy boys like a real man. All the men
in my family fell asleep in chairs. It's just what
you do. It's not his faulty as board. He's my
ass husband, or as I guess they call him now,
a himbo. But he wasn't always an unemployed you know,
you sto own an edible soap store, and he went
on Shark's tank. Thought he was going to be a millionaire,
(01:58):
but then he ended up boofing all all over Laura
grand Year or whatever her name is. Does biff mean Barford?
Doesn't mean fart? Why are you barkst on her? So
since then I've retired my husband because I said, just
do what he liked to do at home. He's been
really needi lately, so I took him to breakfast over
the weekend, which brings me do Biden spotty? Does anyone
(02:24):
know if the Biden granddaughters waitress at Perkins? I thought
I saw one of them there. You know, they're beautiful girls,
the granddaughters beautiful saw them at the inauguration. They look
like an ad for the King of Prussia. Mall. I mean,
I was impressed they got James Ens. Let me tell
you bike. You know, we had to leave the Perkins
(02:45):
before it could get and good look at the waitress
because Patrick brought our dog Amtrack and Amtrak was barking
like there was a dupot chemical fire. I mean, I
swear to God, it's our fault. It's our fault. We
got Amtrak from the same breeder that the Bidens got
their last dog. You remember Major, Yeah, the one that
was a threat to national security. This dog tried to
(03:08):
take the old guy out and now jos All went
around like he slipped in the shower. It's not good
for the country the dog Major. And I can say
this because I'm an abgyn. The dog was undercooked. Okay,
that's what you get for going to a breeder. The
DNA is too close together. Maybe we should just do
(03:29):
to Amtrak what the White House did a Major. I mean,
they sent Major to a farm. And you can't see
on the podcast, but I'm doing air quotes when I
talk about send them to a farm, and good Witance.
You know, I hope they killed him. I really do. Anyway,
talking about my husband, and I guess my dog brings
us to the real meat and potatoes of the episode.
(03:52):
Today's topic is bobbing years six. Unfortunately, old people have
sex too. And when my mom went into her assistant
living facility, I mean the clap spread like wildfire crotch,
so much clap. I thought when am I at a
production of Hamilton and I wish I was because I
(04:12):
saw a tour of Hamilton and Philly a couple of
years ago, and my best girlfriend, her name's also Nancy.
Oh my god, it was amazing. They got George Washington,
Thomas Jefferson, they're all rapping. I mean they never would
have done that. They didn't even have rap back then.
It is so creative. And the other thing is all
(04:33):
these Founding Fathers. They're black in the musical. I guess what,
guys in real life they were actually white. It really
makes you think, It really makes you think. And also
the songs are real good. Anyway, speaking of my mother
having sex, I go visit her on Mother's Day and
I'm giving out penicillin like greeting cards. Okay, this woman
(04:57):
She says to me, this woman, this woman, and I'm
talking about the woman who brought me into this world,
my dear mother. She tells me, oh, Nancy, guess what,
I got a boyfriend. And she keeps telling me her
boyfriend is her first love, which is write to my pop. Okay,
she said to me the other day, she says, your
(05:18):
father never could satisfy me like I care. My dad
paid for my college and he scared the shit out
of all of my boyfriends. As far as I'm concerned,
he did his duty. His husband, Well, what are you
gonna do? She's eighty and she's hornier than my Marcus
when he goes to his sister volleyball games. Relax, he's
staring at her friends, not his sister, although you know
(05:38):
I wouldn't put it past him. She's got a body
on her. And I can say that because she's my daughter.
And Aaron, if you're listening, enjoy a while, alass, because
he got my same hair, of my same pitts, and
I know where that shit goes south. All that's to say,
my horny mother really inspired today's episode, which brings us
to our first segment, Tips for old people who want
(06:03):
to have sex, even though when we think about it
it makes us want to spew. Sex is always weird,
but exactly how weird it is changes as we get older.
You get older, your joints are stiff, you can't move
like he used to. The penis is less out than
paying a little more wet noodle, and of course in
(06:23):
menopause there's all sorts of dryness that occurs. Now, I'm
only forty two, but God took away my period as
a reward for bringing so many of his children into
the world, and as a result, I've got the early pause.
And let me tell you, I love it. I'm boiling
hot about once an hour, but I am about tampons
about four years. So let's go through some of our
(06:46):
top tips for the elderly who want to get it on.
Tip number one, poys are your friends as you get older,
your dexterity lessons. You know how it's taking you a
little extra time to button that button, Well, you don't
want that to mean you can't press her button. See
next Chris miss or Easter. Ask your grandkids to buy
(07:09):
you a vibrator and yeah, it also works as a
back passager. Tip number two, lots of things are sex.
Sex doesn't mean in outcome. Sex can be cuddling, watching porn,
edging side by side, diddle aka mutual masturbation, or maybe
(07:30):
you just buck parts until one of youse gets tired.
The point is, don't think of sex as a failure
if it's not what we traditionally think of as sex. Yeah,
you want to know what My idea of an orgasm
is a cleanhouse and I get in a solid couple
of episodes of yellow Stones before I pass out. Best
case scenario, no one touches me. Tip number three bring reinforcements.
(07:58):
The mind baby willing, but the body she's got some
catching up to do. That's where science comes in. Last Christmas,
I went to Kinkos and had a hundred copies of
Viagra prescriptions made, and I'm just passing those out of
the retirement home like Candy and lou Blue Blue. Step
number five talk about sex. Whether you've got a hot
(08:21):
nursing home boy boy hook up, or it's your huband
the fifty years, The hottest sex is communicative sex. And
it might go a little something like this, stimulate my PRUSHTYEP,
you're what my BRUSHTYEP, you're a right by prusty girl
(08:44):
up state. No finger in the butt. Okay, I'm growing
like that. Oh okay, Miracle alert, miracle alert. This is
very important medical information for the public. The older you are,
(09:06):
the more difficult conception is. However, miracles do happen and
they are gross. Don't let this be you. I had
a fifty eight year old comment my unit pregnant, and
I've got sweats to say this, but the baby came
out old. Okay, Benjamin Button style. But only difference is
(09:28):
I don't think this one's coming out looking like Brad
Pitt in forty years. I think that they're gonna look
more like those dance and raisins you know that come
on before the movie plays, even though I think those
raisins are racist. Now, okay, okay, let's get into some questions.
I'm really excited about this Q and A about sex
and any age because we got a lot of questions
(09:51):
because I guess old people aren't afraid to write letters.
Pulled on one second, Oh God, he's calling me. It's
just Patrick. Okay, I'll call him later. Say. Our first
question comes from Hoho kessin haughty? Who kessin haughty? Says
I'm danged the man in his seventies and want to
know will I be charged with murder if I fuck
(10:13):
my partner to death? I need an answer very quickly.
Please help me. Okay, well, then cassin hatty if you
want my honest opinion, there's a lot worse ways to go.
Might as well go out having a good time. Also,
it sounds like you do need to call him nine
one one right now, so you know, stop listening to
(10:33):
the podcast and go do that question number two ski Boomer.
Ski Boomer says, I was ski in the Pocono Poconess. Nice,
I was ski in a few weeks ago, and I
hurt myself real bad. Do you recommend any fun sex
positions for someone with a bad back and a bad
knee and a new hip and a bad shoulder. And
also I get busy when I stand up too fast?
(10:56):
Do I have any fun sex positions for you? No?
Take a hint. God doesn't want you to. You know.
I had knee surgery a few years ago and went
on bedrust for six weeks. Patrick, God bless him. He
tries to get on top of me as delicately as possible,
but it just made it worse. I made him sit
on the floor while I diddled myself. Think about John
(11:17):
Legend finishing about forty eight seconds. Oh, speak at the devil. Okay,
he's calling me again. Ignore stop calling me. I am
at work, all right. This next question, Anomalous says, what
should I do if I accidentally mix up my VIAGRAA
with my morning vitamins and I have to go to
work with a Rocky Balboa in my pants. This is
(11:41):
funny that they asked this because this actually happens to
my Patrick all the time, and I usually tell him
to stop at the Duncans. You know, get a couple
of boxes of donuts, your sprinkle classics, your jelly fills,
your corollers, maybe a seasonal one, and then carried around
the office all day, you know, pretending like you're doing
something nice and giving out free donuts, but really like
the box is kind of covering your pecker, if you
(12:03):
know what I mean. Plus, people are much more forgiving
of an accidental bone or when they got a mouthful
of cruller. Jesus's text to me, are you at work? No,
I'm getting my asshole bleached. I'm always at work. Okay.
Next question, Anonymous says, I can't find my penis. Where
did it go? Oh God? This happens to Patrick Doo
(12:25):
And it's actually a very real condition called buried penis,
And don't worry. It's super uncommon. It just means he
got a lot of foreskin or a lot of ball sack.
What try rolling it down sort of like a popsicle,
you know, the wrapper, and just dig around in there.
Don't worry, your penis don't disappear. Okay, We've got another
(12:47):
question from anonymous and I'm missending in a lot of questions,
says my partner only wants to have sex if we
turn on an episode of yellow Stones at full volume
while we're doing it. Is this normal? Okay? You know
what these questions are all from? Patrick? What the heck
is he doing? Let me give him a call. Patrick.
(13:08):
You know, if I had known that, it would have
taken me twenty questions. I'm playing twenty questions with these
over here on the phone. Patrick, I pulled us. I
was at work and I'm recording my radio show podcast Nance.
I know the day to day, Okay, I'm putting together
your schedule. I'm looking at Google Cow. I'm basically your
assistant at this point, I just come home. Okay, Nance,
(13:31):
I'm missus Patrick. I am looking at the cow right now. Yeah,
what's it's down the cow? What's it's and the cow?
NaN's take a close d do a close read to
the cow. Okay, And that's gonna be a mea culpo
on Nance's part because I am seeing that it's our anniversary.
(13:51):
It's our anniversary. I feel so bad at our anniversary.
And that's why you've been paxt then that's why I've
been texting. I'm not trying to make you feel any
type of way, but I just but but I'm just saying,
this is the big this is the ghost tour anniversary.
This is the first date was the ghost tour and
Bethany Beach. Oh my god, now you're taking me back. Okay, folks.
(14:14):
So Patrick and I, as you know, we met at
ud that's University at the Delaware and uh yeah, on
our first date, he took me on a ghost tour
of Bethany Beach. But um, because Bethany Beach is actually
such a Christian town, it was a pretty boring ghost
tour is a boring ghost tour, and they said everyone's
(14:37):
gone to heaven. You're not going to see the ghosts
here because you know they don't believe in the purgatory
or some such. We go, you know, we Christian ghost tour, Okay,
And I'm really excited because I'm thinking, Oh, I'm with
this guy, Patrick, my husband currently. Back then, when we
you know, we were we were young, and uh, you know, Patrick,
I hope I'm not speaking out of school. You do
(14:59):
with a little different back then, Yeah, I had I had,
I had the gutters. Yeah, and I had a I mean,
I mean Trice tricep And I remember telling my mom
about shoes and being like, I met this guy. I
think he's the one. He's got gutters. Then I had
midlife scoliosis spine kind of you knows say that. Yeah,
(15:20):
that was terrible. And he had a herniated disk and
he was on bed rest for six months. I had
to hire a nanny for him. And this is the thing.
Nance can do nothing to help me. Nancy's like, I'm
I don't I don't go down there. I'm on the
other side of the body. You know, it's not I
don't do the back stuff. I don't do the back
(15:41):
stuff at all. And always asking me to do the back,
and you tell me that you look to look from
the front. I like to do it from the front.
I think if you're married, you should do it from
the front. Nancy, you didn't even put me in the
damn stirrups. All I wanted was like one little ride
on the stirrups. He wouldn't even do that for me,
you know, I you know this is actually I'm getting
(16:03):
upset because I'm reminiscent a little too hard, and it's
just a lot of it's just a lot of moments
where you weren't there for me, Nance and I'm older.
You're cooking. I'm cooking meals for you with the air
fryer every day. Patrick. How many times I have to
tell you this, Okay, I'm there for you financially. Here's
paying for that air friar? Okay, Who's panned for Marcus's
(16:24):
hockey go equipment? Who's paying for Aaron's uggs? Okay? Nancy
is so yeah, your role is the air friar. Your
role is taking care of the dogs. You kind of
make the house a home while I'm out, you know,
bringing babies into the world and a pan or mortgage.
That's it. That's tale. Is all this time. Patrick, Okay,
(16:48):
I understand, I understand and listen. I don't have no
qualms about the gender roles being what they are. I
knowed you then you're very well Patrick. I always say
that about you. I always send it to the nurses
on my unit. I say, you know, say what you
want a boy, my husband, Patrick piece extremely wet well
pray twenty twelve. We'll say you would even say worked
because I because I you know, my You've I've undiagnosed
(17:13):
what's it called? What's it called when you can't sleep?
I'm not the medical expert. You this is what it's
called insomnia? Well, I don't know. I don't know the
word because I'm awake every freaking hour. Every waking hour
for me is twenty four I've got I'm awake the
whole time. No, so you're kind of a zombie. I'm zombie. Fine. Also,
(17:34):
all I'm gonna say is, ever since you started to
listen to a stair Perell girl, you're going, oh, oh,
I'm the financial You know, you and I are financial partners.
We're financial soul maids. I bankroll all your stuff at home.
As long as you looks at the Google Californy, and
I go, I don't want that nance. I want you
to look at my potential and grown hairs. I'm shaving
(17:56):
with a single razor with a single blade down there,
and you won't even look at my damns grow. Oh. Patrick,
I'm sorry, I really am sorry. And I know and
I know everything you do for me, and I do
notice your ingram heres. I just don't want to say
nothing about it because I don't want to embarrass you.
But I do notice. And I love it when I
(18:19):
get my aired Peeban jay in the morning and it's
it's in the fridge with my Chinese chicken salad. I
love them. You do that, I really do. Do you
like it when I air fried the lettuce? I like
it when you air fried the lettuce. I like it
when you air fried soup. I like it. What was
that thing you meet the other day? It was like
(18:41):
a vegan corn dog began corn dog with this sloppy
joe filling. It wasn't a weener. Well, Patrick, I don't
want to air out our dirty laundry on my radio
podcast show, but um, I guess it's too late. Uh.
I'll just be honest with you, you know, the successive parts.
Dog's really gone to my head, and I'm kind of
(19:03):
looking in the mirror and I'm seeing myself differently, and
I'm walking a little taller, and you know, maybe it's
a classic case if I forgot the people who brought
me here. Yeah, and I don't want you to think
that your husband of nineteen years is one of the
little people. Okay, and look, what's the topic this episode?
Old people? The topic is elderly sex. Old people just
(19:27):
say old people. Okay, Well, I'm trying to make it
pec but uh, you know, yeah, I mean it's old
people slapping parts. But I don't really want to think
about that with us, you know, like, yeah, you had
your scolios, this whole thing, and you know, I tore
a lot with Marcus and so that was a whole journey,
(19:51):
you know. But I guess I don't really want to
think about us having sex from the world or really
us having sex now, to be honest, I don't say
that nance you and I watched and just like that
together and he said, oh, fifties and you thirty, and
you're not even there yet. You're not even fifty yet.
We're both in our late forties. Over her love and life.
(20:14):
I'm going crazy with the air Friar home, setting up
the Google cow, putting trumpets in the cases for Marcus
and Aaron. We're raising two trumpets. What are we doing?
Raising care trumpet? Okay, this is something that I need
to talk about. Actually, I'm glad you brought this up. Patrick,
Marcus starts playing the trumpet at eleven. Okay, that actually
(20:35):
has a lot of sense. Boy playing trumpet, Boy play trumpet.
Aaron at sixty, she's a sophomore in high school. She
starts playing the trumpet. Okay, I part a daughter no
matter what, but not everything needs to be supported. Nance
This is the thing. I don't think the podcast changed it.
(20:57):
I think You've always been this person who's, you know,
been a little hesitant to be there for people. That's why,
that's why as you didn't know that this was our
anniversary today, I kinda think it's almost like burthen Babies.
Every single day. I feel like I'm there for people
(21:19):
on the first day, most important day of their life,
and then after that I kind of get a free pass.
And I'm realizing, Patrick, baby, that's a big issue for me. Yeah,
and maybe we should get on us there, Parrel's podcast
(21:39):
and exams that together dance. I think we're doing all
the work here, no mediator needed. I think we can
work this out right now on Parts Talk, and I
think the listeners are really gonna love it. I think
you're gonna get even more listeners. I'm looking at the
analytics every week. I'm going, Wow, month over month of
(22:00):
growth is hockey sticks. Baby, you're looking at the analytics.
He never tell me you're looking at my radio podcast analytics.
I read podcast statistics for dommies in one sitting for you, Babe, Patrick,
you are the wind beneath my wings. I just don't
even know what you're doing. I mean, you're like, what's
(22:22):
that thing? Like Jesus in the sand? I only saw
one set of footprints. Babe, you're cheering me like Jesus
saw at the beach. And I don't even know. It's
not my job to tell you. I'm just over here
saying every day I want to try to recreate something
with you. That's the same thing as me going, Hey,
(22:42):
let's drive from Newark down to Bethany Beach. It's only
two hours because we're not going to because we're leaving
world early in the morning and it's date number one.
And we went to a Christian ghost tour that was
extremely short, fifteen minutes. And the whole time I was spoofing,
I would get really spooked, so what could chop into
(23:04):
your arms? But the only time they had was eleven
Aya and so it was bright daylight out kind of
like midsommer before they did midsommer, you know, like scary daylight.
But it wasn't even scary. It was it daylight. And
then I'll never forget it turned to me at eleven
fifteen when the ghost tour is over, and you said,
let's go down to the floor walking get a cone
(23:24):
from course, can I remember that cone? And you got
oh cherry dip a cone and I got a chocolate
dip cone. Do you remember that? I remember that. I
try to make a cherry joke. But I knew you
were in school that you wanted to, you know, look
at vaginas someday, and you know, I thought would be
in poor taste. Yeah, But then I was eating that
(23:48):
chocolate dip scone and I meet sure you saw all
the play down light throat, because I said, this man's
gotta know the skills that Nancy has. Oh my god,
Patrick reminiscent about Bethany Beach is getting me a kind
of hot in my seat. Yeah. Yeah. And the funniest
(24:10):
part is you and I didn't even do nothing until
the seventh day. Well, no, because I'm a good Catholic girl. No, no, right, yeah,
and you were going to respect me because I'm no whore. No,
You're not a whore, I know, no, of course, no. No.
I mean, like, this podcast is about sexual health, and
this podcast is a no slut shaming zone. But I'll
just say to slut shame myself, which I could never
(24:33):
because I'm no whore. You know you're not. There's no slut.
I'm not a dirty girl. No, you're not doing any
sort of auto slut shaming because you know you were
never a whole Like on the first day. If I
don't care about you is yeah, I'll sucking fuck anything.
But when it comes to my husband, Patrick, yeah, I'm
not sleeping with you until the seventh eighth day. You
(24:55):
got to meet my father first, because you're my husband,
and I ain't a dirty girl. Now before yous, I
was this and that and traps and all over town.
As I know, you were as well, Patrick, because I
had in my mind a couple of gals that I
know around the University of the Dolaware campus that I
knows he's what's fooling around with. But guess what a
(25:17):
man's going to be A man's people don't know about
my medical peculiarity there? Do they have you told anybody's what? What? What?
What's wrong? What's what's wrong? Darling hippo, that's not I'm
I'm to disclose. I'm gonna say it disclosed, babe, disclose
tell the people might asked deference a shot. I'm over
(25:40):
here horny is hell every day waiting for my wife
to come home. I'm horny, but I got nothing off. Okay.
It's like when someone you know, making working class weightes
want to be philanthropist, you know, don't really work out.
But you're talking about your brother, talking about my brother,
and I'm talking about my dick. Yeah, anytime I climax,
nothing comes out. It's what us in the medical community
(26:03):
call a ghost nut. Yeah, it's a ghost super Patrick
is Uh. He's as hot for me as a and
basically all you know, I wear shorts around the house
and he's at full mast and the kids and the
dogs can see. I mean he doesn't care. No, there's
no there's no like hazard or anything. No. I mean
every time I hear the dog's bark and I'm like, oh,
(26:24):
Patrick's walking around a full mast again. I know, I know,
you know, and you know not to get too graphic.
But we hop and we pump, you know, once a
month because we're married, and I made a vow, and
we hop and we pump, and it gets to that
magic moment and pumping. There's no final moment. Okay, you
(26:49):
start to realize that the water fountain is out of order.
Instead of an old faithful you're kind of getting just
like a balloon that pomps. What's it feel like, Patrick,
Because it looks like it's that feels good. I do
feel the cartilage sort of move in a little bit.
Oh the blood's flowing, for sure. Yeah, it feels nice.
But there's nothing, um, there's nothing coming out. And you know,
(27:13):
it works out for us because there's no cleanup. There's
no cleanup. And you know what I say, when this
little problem came up, thank god, we had our two children,
oh my god, before this came up, and our little
miracles because imagine no and my vast deference not being functional.
No more is I think God giving me a gift.
(27:33):
It's a blessing because I bless the world with Sorry
Marcus Merit Hey, good God. Marcus and Aaron are two
beautiful children, and the world needs two more trumpet plays.
Are two little trumpet leaders. God, he know. I just
s think about Marcus, her son at Powis sheets, at
(27:56):
everything in this room, and honestly the base with absolutely
covered in cold. Then Eric got she's had a bristed
she was seven years old, because she's her mother's door.
Then I just look at her and I think die.
And my daughter is that they might cost me. I
(28:17):
just want you then, fine, blood the wrist, that's the
one hive you. I am so happy he need. I
want to die in your arms. I want to die.
I want to I want someone to kill you while
(28:39):
I'm bolding you. I didn't remember the last taking the
note fock patch. That's how I want to go. Listen. No, no, no,
not on our anniversary. We can't do this, baby. I've
turned it over for a new week. I'm gonna renew
my vows right now. Let's renew our vows. Right now
(28:59):
on the podcast house on parts Talk Okay, over the fat.
It's exactly how we should be doing it, exactly. I'll go.
I'll go first. Thank you, okay, I pinky promise too,
never complain about the podcast growth, especially since I'm the
one basically behind the scenes. Check in the megaphone dot
(29:21):
fm site looking at the numbers every day. Don't my god,
look at the Look at the line on this raft.
It looks like a damn hockey stick. It's going up, up, up,
with a sharp upward turn. I promise to give you
the space to succeed in this, in this space, in
the digital podcast space. I promise to air Frau, a
(29:43):
PB and J a Chinese chicken salad every morning waiting
for you in the fridge. I promise to make sure
Marcus don't have no ghost now when he grows up,
and that Aaron keeps her huge, huge breasts proportional to
her body size and wait for the rest of her life.
(30:04):
She needs to get a reductionable support her that's what
she wants, if that's what she wants. But Patrick, that
was so beautiful. Thank you Nan. Those were the most
beautiful vows. Those were more beautiful than the vows that
even did it our wedding day, and honestly don't really
remember them because I was hammered. That was I, but
not as beautiful as the way you looked at the
Christian ghosts. Okay, let me think I were so beautiful
(30:26):
that day? Was that beautiful you were? You were ravishing
and beautiful. I'm gonna cry cry nice, I'm not. I
got it. I'm good. I'm good. I can't beat my Browns. Patrick,
to you, my hubband, my house huband of nineteen years,
Patrick Pitts. By the way, baby, thanks for taking my
(30:47):
last name. I found to be more emotionally vulnerable and
emotionally available, if not physically available, to you. To not
let the massive success on my podcast parts talk, to
(31:07):
go to my head and to remember my roots, my foundation,
my core as OBGYN mother and wife and dog mom.
And also I make the best sangria on our block.
You do you put Parson everyone's too afraid to put Parson.
(31:28):
I vow dull apples. Sorry, I vow to jack you
off at least once a week, penetration once a month
for the rest of my life, until your boner does
whatever it does. I don't know if the viewers really
(31:50):
got this from the ghost nut part when we talked
about that. But there is a release. The boner is there,
and then the boner is gone. There is just no nut.
There's just no nut. And the reason it's called a
ghost nut is partially I think I'm getting the etymology
right is that it is possessed. Oh, I think, I
(32:10):
do think. I think that the theory is all the
medical professionals and my wife notwithstanding, say that I have
a ghost living in my penile connection. And my final
vow to you, Patrick Pitts is that I will forever
take a ghost tour of your ghost haunted penis for
(32:32):
the rest of my life and never look at another man,
whether he be Joe Biden or anybody in the Biden
family who I secretly find extremely attractive, no matter the gender.
Speaking of Joe, I got something waiting on the sons
(32:52):
for you. You want me to play it? Give me
a little sneak peek, babe, Alexa, play our special song
of your baby. Um Baby, I'm coming here right now.
He's better be wet now, baby baby, I'm about to
slip off this dang podcasting chair. I'm gonna go right now.
(33:16):
Well fits. This has been Patrick Pitts, my Bolts schooldiosist,
thought of a husband, father of my two kids. God,
I love him. I'm gonna go home and write him
until his dick falls off. Thank you so much for
listening to Parks Podcast.
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