July 13, 2022 • 29 mins
Episode 3: CAPTURE
Once the pursuit is complete, now is time to capture! Stepmom is here to show you how to manipulate your man into ONLY needing you and of course answer more of your deeply pressing and important questions!
Greta Titelman also hosts the podcast Senior Superlatives, you can watch her on the most recent season of Search Party and make sure to follow her @gertiebird!
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
My Hello, they're my little cum buckets. Thank you for
joining me, your of course perfect and haunting stepmother for
episode three of the husband Hunt, where me your cannot
do no wrong, absolutely iconic Queen of a step mom
breaks down a step by step guide to securing the
(00:23):
husband a k a. The life of your dreams or
many lives and many husbands if you play your cards
right now. I hope you all remember that you were
merely a little piece of sperms swimming in your daddy's
scrotum sack, and then you did come to be And
now I have to guide you down the hell road
(00:44):
that we call life. So I hope you are paying
attention now. As we went over in episode two pursuing,
I hope you all have done a successful pursuit and
finally found your prey to you capture. In episode three,
we will be going over capture now, has I always
(01:08):
do for those of you that seem to have a
little numb nuts of heads. In pursuit, we went over
smelling gorgeous, being rich, making sure that you're not too opinionated,
being the person he wants you to be by making
you simply irresistible, always being ready to go on any
(01:31):
trip at a moment's notice, and always having a good
time on your date, learning them to you and never
scaring them off, and of course always being the most
enticing flower in the garden. That, my dear listeners, is
the recipe for successful pursuit which allows us for a
(01:52):
successful capture. Now that we learned them to us, it
is time we keep them. They should be sucking off
of your goddamn tate at this point if you have
done your pursuit correctly. Capturing my darling DearS, when things
start to get very real because it naturally involves family
(02:16):
and friends and digging deep into their broader scope of
what they think their life is, and that in turn
involves you getting other people's approval to capture. Getting them
to be yours and all yours means getting others in
their life, important people in their life, to agree that
(02:36):
yet you are that special someone and they shouldn't spend
another ayota of time without you in their life. That
is when we have captured our sacred pray. Capture, however,
involves so much more than just needing them and everyone
else to become fully obsessed and relying upon you. Why
(02:58):
we need their family and kids. It's to be obsessed
to and we can't fuck this up. Remember, family, especially
those sticky fingered little breaks of children, love to stand
in the way of everyone's happiness and everything in general.
But don't worry. Like any piece of meat, fat can
(03:20):
be trimmed, and trimming is what we'll do with a
very long, sharp, hard knife. Well, of course, we want
the cleanest capture possible, so again I stress you play
it smart and find prey that is mm hmmm, childless
and tasty and whose family is obviously dead. But now,
if you must find yourself in a situation where your
(03:42):
capture is complicated, as our first few captures always are,
here is, of course what we start with for your
stupid little brains what not to do. Never one, when capturing,
do not make the absolutely ridiculous decision and let your
(04:04):
guard down. Never let his mother or children ever actually
know the real you. And that being said, never let
him know the real you either, if it happens so,
they could potentially spot that you aren't the cultured, sophisticated
lurning woman there Daddy dearest fell in love with, but
(04:24):
are in fact Amy who used to shop at Trader
Joe's and worked at a mid level telemarketing firm. Why
the whole thing will explode. You will not be the
prize possession that Daddy can only find one of. You'll
be well replaceable, and we do not want that. You
do not want mommy, or the children, or the friends,
(04:45):
or anyone of importance for that matter. Spotting any holes
and your personality. The person you are to him is
the person you are to everyone else. Everyone else sure
were to fuck you just as bad as him. Now
Number two, do not lose energy. A part of capturing
is being trotted around town like the prize possession you are.
(05:06):
This is when he gets to show you off to
his community, his peers. He gets to say look what
I have. Remember, he thinks he's captured you, But no,
my dear, you've captured him and all of his friends.
Everyone in his life. Needs to be completely transfixed and
on your side. So you cannot lose energy. It is
(05:29):
important you always keep up with whatever is happening in
your surroundings. Say you're invited to an owner's box to
watch a football game. You cheer, you flail, you drink
the beer. You have fun. Say you are on a
boat for example, getting lulled to sleep. Oh, that wave
is just making you relax, while don't. It is imperative
(05:49):
you stay awake on that private jet ride all the
way to Iceland. You need to stay alert because the
second you whose energy, the second you, for some god
awful reason, decide to take a nap when you are
amongst his family and friends, is this second that they
(06:10):
find an opportunity to talk shit about you and potentially
sway him in the other direction. Remember, it's a lot
easier to dump someone when it's not legal yet, So
the last thing you need is someone with influence in
his life telling him that he can do better than you.
There will be no such thing. There will be no
(06:30):
such conversation had why because you will be taking two
hundred milligrams of time release adder, all the five anything
to do with it to ensure your eyes never even blink.
You're so fucking alert. We never want to let anyone
whisper anything but are well wishes, especially when they're in
(06:51):
our presence. Now, do not, I repeat, do not get
too close to the kids. You can, of course get
close to his parents, however, they should hopefully be dead
by now. But if you do need to deal with
a mother in law. If he is a mama's boy,
(07:12):
you become a mama's girl. If he wants to suck
off her teeth, you suck off the other. You make
her think that she has influence over your life, when
you will be the first one to make sure the
plug gets pulled the second she's entered into hospice, because remember,
her money becomes your money, and it's all the game
of dominoes, dear. But the children, on the other hand,
(07:34):
oh they're tempting, and they're sweet little cherub faces, all innocent,
their sparkly eyes, the way that they can't pronounce they're ours. Why,
it's like they're little puppies just begging for love. But
the love is what you are not going to give them. Remember,
they are entitled to money just by being born from
(07:56):
that little sperm sack I've afore mentioned, and we need
to sure that whatever money is theirs, is of course yours.
So we can't risk having a Jerry McGuire situation on
our hands, now, can we, And don't be fooled by
their little adorable, puffy little cheeks or whatever the fun
piece of noodle jewelry they might make for you. They
(08:17):
are just as manipulative and sinister as you think of
them as your opponents in the game. Rather than winning
their love, win the game. Remember it's too risky. Not
all professionals can be as emotionally shut off and deranged
as I am. At this point. It has taken me
oh about seven successful captures to get to where I am.
(08:42):
But the children are just too tempting and risky, which
of course brings me two story time. I guess you
could say I made the tragic mistake of getting manipulated
by a little pale pre pubas and tasty slab of fact.
Now this name was Jasper Jasper van Jensen Devrise van Deeberg,
(09:04):
the son of Hans Jensen Devrise van Deeburg. That's right,
the air of every single tulip field in the Netherlands.
I spotted Hans while morning the loss of my seventh
husband on a Delta one flight to Paris. I spotted
him in the airline magazine discussing all the gorgeous tulip fields,
(09:26):
and I knew that he was my next piece of prey,
and I knew that I had to seek him. So
what did I do? Why? I went to Amsterdam, of course,
to attend his annual tulip Fest. So I went in
my most gorgeous milk made cosplay. You could ever see
why not even the Van Trapp family and sound of
(09:46):
music could compare with this little outfit I had on.
And of course I knew he wanted that good little
American girl that he saw in the cinema. He wanted
the girl next door, that American, sweet, sweetest pie neighbor,
and that's what I was going to give him. So
when I met him at the tulip Fest, as I
(10:07):
had planned, it was on. I took one look at
his big hunk of buttery skin and knew that he
was mine, and the cherry on top was of course,
he was a widow with one motherless son. So what
did I do? Why? I made the novice mistake of
(10:29):
wanting to become that son's mummy. I made the novice
mistake of wanting that son to need me so badly
his father simply couldn't deny having me around, even if
he wasn't in love with me. I made the mistake
of relying too much on Little Jasper's approval instead of
Daddy dearest. Now I thought that Jasper was on my
side at the beginning, always inviting me in to eat
(10:52):
the toast with sprinkles on it, always wanting to finger
paint me in the nude, which I let him do
multiple times. Turns out Little Jasper was just wanting to
steal me away from Daddy and take me away from
spending time with him. Little Jasper knew that the longer
and longer I stayed in Amsterdam, and of course I
booked myself a one way ticket and managed to live
(11:15):
with him within three weeks. He realized that his time
with Daddy was gone. One second I was getting completely
pulled down by his Daddy's uncut dutch cock, and the
next second he comes pounding out the door, fully knowing
it was our alone time, just to intrude and wiggle
between us in bed. So now it was me, Hans
(11:37):
and Jasper. Now I knew I was coming in on
my capture. As Hans had planned to charter sailing yacht
A all around the gorgeous Ionian Islands on the Ionian Sea.
I knew Little Jasper knew that this time Hans was
going to propose to sweet dear step Mommy. With that
(11:59):
gorgeous twenty seven carrot pink diamond set in platinum. He
had happened to bid on in his sleep at Christie's auction,
and once it arrived by he knew his subconscious wanted
him to propose to me, and that's exactly what was
going to happen. So when little Jasper sensed that this
trip was going to be more than just a monthly
(12:19):
jaunt to Corfu, I knew he had something up his sleep.
Lucky for me, I was able to intervene his nanny
and pay her off to stop taking him to swimming
lessons every Tuesday, and instead took him right to the
waffle stand to book him right up. Now, the second
I stepped foot on sailing yachte, I knew that Jasper
(12:39):
was my competition, and Jasper and I were facing off.
We were no longer enjoying this gorgeous vacation together, Nay,
we were wanting to take each other out. So what
did I have to do? Well, unfortunately I had to
toss Jasper overboard. Of course, off he went Tota by
(13:00):
flash right down into the Ionian Sea herself. Oh it's
a shame. It was such a stormy night. Usually the
Ionian is so calm, and what's that Daddy and the
Captain were at the helm and we were at the oars. Well,
I naturally had to let him flail and think he
was on the brink of death. And then I obviously
took off my gorgeous cashmere Brunella Cucinelli sweater, stripped into
(13:25):
my ra as bikini and over right in while making
a scene, of course, making sure that Hans naturally saw
me save his flailing, pathetic little child. Once I got
back on bored m Jasper looked insane. He kept on
saying she threw me, and she threw me in, And
(13:46):
it became very easy for me to tell Daddy dear
that he was clearly under emotional dress and the best
thing we could do with Peter send him to a
school for troubled boys. There was a good place to go,
seeing as he was only six and so impressionable, And
that was how I dealt with Jasper. I eventually did
(14:06):
secure the carrot pink diamond ring, and it just so
happened that Hans died in a tragic vespa accident later
that year. Well, since Jasper was so young, and since
Hans had no other family. I am now in charge
of all of young Jasper's accounts, and looks like little
(14:27):
Jasper will have a lot of work to do in
order to see any of that money ever again, and
you probably never will. Now. It's unfortunate to have to
do something like that. It broke my heart. But that's
why you never get close with a child. Never onto
what to do. As I said, capturing a widow is
(14:50):
very lucky, and getting close to the child is imperative
because once you convince the child that they need you,
then of course their parents wants you even or yes,
you will officially become stepmommy. But when he dies, you,
as I said, will be in charge of all of
the accounts, and it's very easy to cut that little
rascal or two or three out. You can also emotionally
(15:11):
take advantage of motherless children. They tend to have emotional issues,
so of course it's easy to blame things on them
and get them sent away. As I just detailed, do
take every opportunity you can if the child unfortunately does
have a biological parent, that his children would be better
off at boarding school, or to cut them off completely,
(15:33):
because you want the children to grow up while adjusted.
You don't want them to be spoiled rotten like a
slab of cream cheese left out in the hot summer's sun. No,
you want the kids to go and you want him
to not trust his children. So do take every opportunity
you can, especially if they are teens, to frame them.
(15:56):
Frame them for murder, frame them for theft, frame them
for emotional abuse, just frame them. Get creative, I know
you can. Lastly, do be having sex with them as
often as you physically can. Take a little light a
cane cream goes a long way. But step mom, you
(16:18):
say I don't want to have sex with them, I
just want to have sex with their money. Well, grow up.
A part of getting their money is doling out your assets.
And frankly, dear, the more you let them cream, splooge, slip,
slap and slip all over your body this year, there
are to leave you all of that good, good coin. Now.
Of course, once you're legally married, you can do the
(16:41):
humane thing and have an affair, of course, but only
until you're married. Then the law is on your side.
But until then you cannot be fooling around with anyone
that might be tempting. That includes the gardener, the pool boy,
the maid, everyone else. You need to be making sure
that you are, therefore them to utilize as a come
(17:02):
bucket whenever they're so late. It is a sophisticated performance, dear,
not anything to turn your nose up to. Now, please
make sure you stay groomed. I know how you love
to get unkempt and bohemian, but there's no time for
that anymore. Nobody likes a cat that's supposed to be hairless.
(17:25):
Now the friends, last and most important. You must make
every single person in his life want to fuck you.
Then he's going to want to fuck you harder when
he feels and senses that you are beloved and desirable
by his whole tribe. Why then, you, my dear, have
(17:47):
become his most valuable asset. Not even all of those
Netflix stocks can amount to what that means. He knows
that you are the piece, the prize. You are that rare, rare,
rare collectible that only comes once in a lifetime. And
if he has his friends telling him that I don't
(18:10):
care what you have to do, flirt with them insanely,
make him jealous. Do what you will. You will get
those friends to be on your side. Now Stepmomma Daris
is going to answer your question, how do I take
(18:31):
out in your life insurance policy on him without making
him suspicious? Huh. Finally someone is listening to my work
and knowing the questions to ask. Thank you so much
for writing in life insurance is a wonderful little thing
to always have in your back pocket. Now, there are
two ways of doing this. One you start going on
(18:52):
gorgeous trips such as safaris or perhaps a desert oh
the a mongari. One might say a little you've taw
desert a trek out there? A scorpion could bite you.
Why he could die? You want him to take out
as many life insurance policies in your interest. Remember, it's
about manipulating him into wanting to need you. If he
(19:16):
needs you, why he should take out as many life
insurance policies as possible, especially if you're living out all
of his deep dark fantasies of being Indiana Jones or
some dumbass thing that all these pathetic little men love
to pretend to be. Another way of doing this is classic.
I just said it right before we took our little break. Darling.
(19:37):
Drug him. It's so easy to do you drug him,
You take out the policy. He asked, who took this out?
You say why you did. It's a classic drug and gaslight,
and I personally think that there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.
You'd give him a little bit of Valume, a little
bit of Zanex, a little bit of Advent, whatever it
is that you have on hand, crush it up, mix
(19:59):
it in a gorgeous the little fashion, and next thing
you know, you have a fat life insurance policy ready
and waiting for you. And you didn't really do anything
wrong other than relax him, pushing him toward a decision
you know he would ultimately have made for you. After all,
he's in love with you. You're his soul mate and
(20:20):
he's yours, so of course he only wants what's best.
And oh my goodness, I can't believe he ran into
a tree when we were skiing in Cortina. Oh gosh,
it's a good thing he took out that life insurance
policy when you were just enjoying cocktails and Kiowa Island
a few months ago. You had no idea that was
(20:43):
going to happen. Now, did you always played dumb? It's
always your best friend? Hi? So um, I got a
lot of change happening right now, and I was wondering
if you had any in fights or on how to
handle all of it. Look, I got a job interviews
and went to the city. My girlfriend and I are
(21:04):
props in together, and U I just really need some
step motherly advice or on how to process it all. Wow,
what a thoughtful question. Here's some advice for you. Don't
process it. Don't give yourself but a little ounce of
free time to even let that brain think. When we
(21:24):
let the brain think, it fox us up. When we
let the brain go and do whatever it wants to do,
it will start creating thoughts that aren't helpful to our
overall goals in life, which is of course being gorgeous,
having money and staying tight. Now, what I suggest you
do is ask your girlfriend for her credit card, not yours,
(21:46):
and you go out and you max it the funk out.
That's right. You buy yourself everything and anything you want.
A new computer, sure, new tits, why not, a vaginal laby,
a plastic go for queen. You want to get yourself
a brand new set of diamond to wear on every
single finger. I suggest you go forth, max out the card,
(22:10):
live your life. Spoil yourself rotten, spoil yourself so that
you are stinking like the piece of Rockford on a
cheese pladder nobody wants to eat. If you do that,
I guarantee you'll distract yourself long enough to forget hell
that you're even in a new city, or that there's
any change going on around you at all. You'll just
(22:32):
be suffocating in the bliss of opulence, and that really
is the key to life. Oh and quit your job
fan here, do you have any advice on what to
do to spice up my real lociones a bit of
(22:52):
a row of me and my other and uh, I
was wondering if you had any tidbits advice, you know,
things that could help you know keat ups come and fall. Well,
thank you so much, dearest listener, for calling in and
finally bringing up a topic. I can sink my teeth
(23:14):
and lips into sex, something that I can't believe I
so foolishly skipped right over when talking about capturing. Of course,
when we're capturing, you can absolutely just completely pussy whip
the guy. Nothing is more powerful than a libido and
two bodies colliding in the sheets. Nothing is more powerful
(23:37):
than riding someone until the morning comes. Nothing is more
powerful than making them or gasm at the top of
their lungs. Nothing is more powerful than you show them
sides of themselves they didn't know before and when you
dip into their sexual fantasies. So what I would say
to you, what's your fantasy? Do you want to maybe
(23:58):
dress up as uh mailman? Oh special delivery? And then
what do you know? It's your gorgeous body covered in
tom Ford body oil, waiting for your man to slip
and slide right in. I always think a little role
play is important, and when you get to play someone
such as an essential worker, it also keeps the sex
(24:19):
very grounded and philanthropic. So it's nice to feel like
you're digging down a nurse or a doctor, I'm a
postal worker, or someone like a lunch lady. It's always
good to have sort of grounded role play. I had
one guy once who loved it, absolutely loved it. When
I was his wet nurse. That's right. I would strap
(24:41):
on a bottle of milk, put it on my titter,
and he would lunch right on like a little baby
and just knob away all while I was jacking him off.
Now that I think about it, that was probably your father.
I was doing that too, So if you did hear
him moaning with absolute ecstasy when you were a child,
(25:02):
I do apologize. I know he was never able to
rebound fully from that gorgeous sex. Starting with some role
play is what I would suggest. First. Choking on the
dick is always a tough second, getting plowed in the
ass always a third, and the fourth a good old
(25:23):
hand job. Now I know what you're thinking. That is
so boring. Nothing that you can't make spicy, Nothing like
a hand job while reciting the breakup scene from Cramer
versus Cramer. Nothing gets a man hard like reliving his
divorced trauma all while fucking his hot new pieces hand.
(25:44):
Trust me, it works like a charm. I hope that helps.
And our last question that I will get to of
this absolutely sloppy web episode, I actually have a stepmom
related question. My stepmom and I had kind of a
falling out over the past few years. How would you
(26:04):
like to rekindle a relationship with your stepchild? What advice
would you give your stepchild to win back your heart? Wow?
What a sickeningly sentimental question that was why if one
of my many stepchildren wanted to rekindle with their darling
dearest stepmother, it's simple, sign over your money to me,
(26:28):
sign over your chunk of daddy, dearest swill, and then
we'll be square. But if you simply can't do that
for some dumb moral reason, you could at least buy
me a gift like a jet or a boat, or
something that would put you so deep into financial debt
that you could never buy a house. Your fucking credit
(26:51):
is so bad. But if your step mommy is a
little bit more of the soft and tender type, why
there's nothing that a trip to Paris hasn't fixed. Take
her on a shopping spree, wine her and die in
her pour. Just bottles of Chablis down her throat until
she doesn't see anything but heart in her eyes for you,
(27:11):
and make sure you compliment her work. It's important that
everyone knows their faces are sitting right, and when they
hear it from a young and hip person like yourself,
what it means the world to them. Remember, everyone loves
a kiss ass, even if they pretend like they don't,
And be a good boy and run often. Buy me
(27:33):
that mink coat I've been wanting oh and gosh, you
really do freak of shallots. Well that's it from dearest
stepmother today. I hope that was salty and sinister enough.
And to just review what I've told my little freakish
(27:55):
rotted mutts you all are when we sure we don't
want to make enemies. We want people to want us
to come in and invade their life. We want our
prey to feel inspired, nay demanded to wed us. We
(28:19):
want this to be as easy as possible. The kids, well,
they gotta go, unless, of course they are parentless, and unless,
of course they will truly and deeply and earnestly love
you and potentially one day be on your side. We've
all seen the classic film Heartbreakers. You could have your
own Jennifer love Huett too. Remember always be aware of
(28:44):
what's going on in the environments around you. Never let
anybody give you a drink that you don't know what's
in it that you haven't poured yourself. You never know
who could be slipping kalonapin and the only one slipping
Kalona pin is. You take out the life insurance policy,
get close to the family, knock a kid off a boat.
If you have to take the family trip. Always say yes,
(29:07):
say yes, until we say oh no when they die.
Until then, I will talk to you next week when
we finally get to secure our capture, when we finally
get to make it legal, when we finally have put
in all of our blood, sweat and tears. Two, get
(29:29):
it all now. Remember no one likes a sloppy whore.
Get it together and I'll talk to you next week.
My Hello, they're my little cum buckets. Thank you for
joining me, your of course perfect and haunting stepmother for
episode three of the husband Hunt, where me your cannot
do no wrong, absolutely iconic Queen of a step mom
breaks down a step by step guide to securing the
(00:23):
husband a k a. The life of your dreams or
many lives and many husbands if you play your cards
right now. I hope you all remember that you were
merely a little piece of sperms swimming in your daddy's
scrotum sack, and then you did come to be And
now I have to guide you down the hell road
(00:44):
that we call life. So I hope you are paying
attention now. As we went over in episode two pursuing,
I hope you all have done a successful pursuit and
finally found your prey to you capture. In episode three,
we will be going over capture now, has I always
(01:08):
do for those of you that seem to have a
little numb nuts of heads. In pursuit, we went over
smelling gorgeous, being rich, making sure that you're not too opinionated,
being the person he wants you to be by making
you simply irresistible, always being ready to go on any
(01:31):
trip at a moment's notice, and always having a good
time on your date, learning them to you and never
scaring them off, and of course always being the most
enticing flower in the garden. That, my dear listeners, is
the recipe for successful pursuit which allows us for a
(01:52):
successful capture. Now that we learned them to us, it
is time we keep them. They should be sucking off
of your goddamn tate at this point if you have
done your pursuit correctly. Capturing my darling DearS, when things
start to get very real because it naturally involves family
(02:16):
and friends and digging deep into their broader scope of
what they think their life is, and that in turn
involves you getting other people's approval to capture. Getting them
to be yours and all yours means getting others in
their life, important people in their life, to agree that
(02:36):
yet you are that special someone and they shouldn't spend
another ayota of time without you in their life. That
is when we have captured our sacred pray. Capture, however,
involves so much more than just needing them and everyone
else to become fully obsessed and relying upon you. Why
(02:58):
we need their family and kids. It's to be obsessed
to and we can't fuck this up. Remember, family, especially
those sticky fingered little breaks of children, love to stand
in the way of everyone's happiness and everything in general.
But don't worry. Like any piece of meat, fat can
(03:20):
be trimmed, and trimming is what we'll do with a
very long, sharp, hard knife. Well, of course, we want
the cleanest capture possible, so again I stress you play
it smart and find prey that is mm hmmm, childless
and tasty and whose family is obviously dead. But now,
if you must find yourself in a situation where your
(03:42):
capture is complicated, as our first few captures always are,
here is, of course what we start with for your
stupid little brains what not to do. Never one, when capturing,
do not make the absolutely ridiculous decision and let your
(04:04):
guard down. Never let his mother or children ever actually
know the real you. And that being said, never let
him know the real you either, if it happens so,
they could potentially spot that you aren't the cultured, sophisticated
lurning woman there Daddy dearest fell in love with, but
(04:24):
are in fact Amy who used to shop at Trader
Joe's and worked at a mid level telemarketing firm. Why
the whole thing will explode. You will not be the
prize possession that Daddy can only find one of. You'll
be well replaceable, and we do not want that. You
do not want mommy, or the children, or the friends,
(04:45):
or anyone of importance for that matter. Spotting any holes
and your personality. The person you are to him is
the person you are to everyone else. Everyone else sure
were to fuck you just as bad as him. Now
Number two, do not lose energy. A part of capturing
is being trotted around town like the prize possession you are.
(05:06):
This is when he gets to show you off to
his community, his peers. He gets to say look what
I have. Remember, he thinks he's captured you, But no,
my dear, you've captured him and all of his friends.
Everyone in his life. Needs to be completely transfixed and
on your side. So you cannot lose energy. It is
(05:29):
important you always keep up with whatever is happening in
your surroundings. Say you're invited to an owner's box to
watch a football game. You cheer, you flail, you drink
the beer. You have fun. Say you are on a
boat for example, getting lulled to sleep. Oh, that wave
is just making you relax, while don't. It is imperative
(05:49):
you stay awake on that private jet ride all the
way to Iceland. You need to stay alert because the
second you whose energy, the second you, for some god
awful reason, decide to take a nap when you are
amongst his family and friends, is this second that they
(06:10):
find an opportunity to talk shit about you and potentially
sway him in the other direction. Remember, it's a lot
easier to dump someone when it's not legal yet, So
the last thing you need is someone with influence in
his life telling him that he can do better than you.
There will be no such thing. There will be no
(06:30):
such conversation had why because you will be taking two
hundred milligrams of time release adder, all the five anything
to do with it to ensure your eyes never even blink.
You're so fucking alert. We never want to let anyone
whisper anything but are well wishes, especially when they're in
(06:51):
our presence. Now, do not, I repeat, do not get
too close to the kids. You can, of course get
close to his parents, however, they should hopefully be dead
by now. But if you do need to deal with
a mother in law. If he is a mama's boy,
(07:12):
you become a mama's girl. If he wants to suck
off her teeth, you suck off the other. You make
her think that she has influence over your life, when
you will be the first one to make sure the
plug gets pulled the second she's entered into hospice, because remember,
her money becomes your money, and it's all the game
of dominoes, dear. But the children, on the other hand,
(07:34):
oh they're tempting, and they're sweet little cherub faces, all innocent,
their sparkly eyes, the way that they can't pronounce they're ours. Why,
it's like they're little puppies just begging for love. But
the love is what you are not going to give them. Remember,
they are entitled to money just by being born from
(07:56):
that little sperm sack I've afore mentioned, and we need
to sure that whatever money is theirs, is of course yours.
So we can't risk having a Jerry McGuire situation on
our hands, now, can we, And don't be fooled by
their little adorable, puffy little cheeks or whatever the fun
piece of noodle jewelry they might make for you. They
(08:17):
are just as manipulative and sinister as you think of
them as your opponents in the game. Rather than winning
their love, win the game. Remember it's too risky. Not
all professionals can be as emotionally shut off and deranged
as I am. At this point. It has taken me
oh about seven successful captures to get to where I am.
(08:42):
But the children are just too tempting and risky, which
of course brings me two story time. I guess you
could say I made the tragic mistake of getting manipulated
by a little pale pre pubas and tasty slab of fact.
Now this name was Jasper Jasper van Jensen Devrise van Deeberg,
(09:04):
the son of Hans Jensen Devrise van Deeburg. That's right,
the air of every single tulip field in the Netherlands.
I spotted Hans while morning the loss of my seventh
husband on a Delta one flight to Paris. I spotted
him in the airline magazine discussing all the gorgeous tulip fields,
(09:26):
and I knew that he was my next piece of prey,
and I knew that I had to seek him. So
what did I do? Why? I went to Amsterdam, of course,
to attend his annual tulip Fest. So I went in
my most gorgeous milk made cosplay. You could ever see
why not even the Van Trapp family and sound of
(09:46):
music could compare with this little outfit I had on.
And of course I knew he wanted that good little
American girl that he saw in the cinema. He wanted
the girl next door, that American, sweet, sweetest pie neighbor,
and that's what I was going to give him. So
when I met him at the tulip Fest, as I
(10:07):
had planned, it was on. I took one look at
his big hunk of buttery skin and knew that he
was mine, and the cherry on top was of course,
he was a widow with one motherless son. So what
did I do? Why? I made the novice mistake of
(10:29):
wanting to become that son's mummy. I made the novice
mistake of wanting that son to need me so badly
his father simply couldn't deny having me around, even if
he wasn't in love with me. I made the mistake
of relying too much on Little Jasper's approval instead of
Daddy dearest. Now I thought that Jasper was on my
side at the beginning, always inviting me in to eat
(10:52):
the toast with sprinkles on it, always wanting to finger
paint me in the nude, which I let him do
multiple times. Turns out Little Jasper was just wanting to
steal me away from Daddy and take me away from
spending time with him. Little Jasper knew that the longer
and longer I stayed in Amsterdam, and of course I
booked myself a one way ticket and managed to live
(11:15):
with him within three weeks. He realized that his time
with Daddy was gone. One second I was getting completely
pulled down by his Daddy's uncut dutch cock, and the
next second he comes pounding out the door, fully knowing
it was our alone time, just to intrude and wiggle
between us in bed. So now it was me, Hans
(11:37):
and Jasper. Now I knew I was coming in on
my capture. As Hans had planned to charter sailing yacht
A all around the gorgeous Ionian Islands on the Ionian Sea.
I knew Little Jasper knew that this time Hans was
going to propose to sweet dear step Mommy. With that
(11:59):
gorgeous twenty seven carrot pink diamond set in platinum. He
had happened to bid on in his sleep at Christie's auction,
and once it arrived by he knew his subconscious wanted
him to propose to me, and that's exactly what was
going to happen. So when little Jasper sensed that this
trip was going to be more than just a monthly
(12:19):
jaunt to Corfu, I knew he had something up his sleep.
Lucky for me, I was able to intervene his nanny
and pay her off to stop taking him to swimming
lessons every Tuesday, and instead took him right to the
waffle stand to book him right up. Now, the second
I stepped foot on sailing yachte, I knew that Jasper
(12:39):
was my competition, and Jasper and I were facing off.
We were no longer enjoying this gorgeous vacation together, Nay,
we were wanting to take each other out. So what
did I have to do? Well, unfortunately I had to
toss Jasper overboard. Of course, off he went Tota by
(13:00):
flash right down into the Ionian Sea herself. Oh it's
a shame. It was such a stormy night. Usually the
Ionian is so calm, and what's that Daddy and the
Captain were at the helm and we were at the oars. Well,
I naturally had to let him flail and think he
was on the brink of death. And then I obviously
took off my gorgeous cashmere Brunella Cucinelli sweater, stripped into
(13:25):
my ra as bikini and over right in while making
a scene, of course, making sure that Hans naturally saw
me save his flailing, pathetic little child. Once I got
back on bored m Jasper looked insane. He kept on
saying she threw me, and she threw me in, And
(13:46):
it became very easy for me to tell Daddy dear
that he was clearly under emotional dress and the best
thing we could do with Peter send him to a
school for troubled boys. There was a good place to go,
seeing as he was only six and so impressionable, And
that was how I dealt with Jasper. I eventually did
(14:06):
secure the carrot pink diamond ring, and it just so
happened that Hans died in a tragic vespa accident later
that year. Well, since Jasper was so young, and since
Hans had no other family. I am now in charge
of all of young Jasper's accounts, and looks like little
(14:27):
Jasper will have a lot of work to do in
order to see any of that money ever again, and
you probably never will. Now. It's unfortunate to have to
do something like that. It broke my heart. But that's
why you never get close with a child. Never onto
what to do. As I said, capturing a widow is
(14:50):
very lucky, and getting close to the child is imperative
because once you convince the child that they need you,
then of course their parents wants you even or yes,
you will officially become stepmommy. But when he dies, you,
as I said, will be in charge of all of
the accounts, and it's very easy to cut that little
rascal or two or three out. You can also emotionally
(15:11):
take advantage of motherless children. They tend to have emotional issues,
so of course it's easy to blame things on them
and get them sent away. As I just detailed, do
take every opportunity you can if the child unfortunately does
have a biological parent, that his children would be better
off at boarding school, or to cut them off completely,
(15:33):
because you want the children to grow up while adjusted.
You don't want them to be spoiled rotten like a
slab of cream cheese left out in the hot summer's sun. No,
you want the kids to go and you want him
to not trust his children. So do take every opportunity
you can, especially if they are teens, to frame them.
(15:56):
Frame them for murder, frame them for theft, frame them
for emotional abuse, just frame them. Get creative, I know
you can. Lastly, do be having sex with them as
often as you physically can. Take a little light a
cane cream goes a long way. But step mom, you
(16:18):
say I don't want to have sex with them, I
just want to have sex with their money. Well, grow up.
A part of getting their money is doling out your assets.
And frankly, dear, the more you let them cream, splooge, slip,
slap and slip all over your body this year, there
are to leave you all of that good, good coin. Now.
Of course, once you're legally married, you can do the
(16:41):
humane thing and have an affair, of course, but only
until you're married. Then the law is on your side.
But until then you cannot be fooling around with anyone
that might be tempting. That includes the gardener, the pool boy,
the maid, everyone else. You need to be making sure
that you are, therefore them to utilize as a come
(17:02):
bucket whenever they're so late. It is a sophisticated performance, dear,
not anything to turn your nose up to. Now, please
make sure you stay groomed. I know how you love
to get unkempt and bohemian, but there's no time for
that anymore. Nobody likes a cat that's supposed to be hairless.
(17:25):
Now the friends, last and most important. You must make
every single person in his life want to fuck you.
Then he's going to want to fuck you harder when
he feels and senses that you are beloved and desirable
by his whole tribe. Why then, you, my dear, have
(17:47):
become his most valuable asset. Not even all of those
Netflix stocks can amount to what that means. He knows
that you are the piece, the prize. You are that rare, rare,
rare collectible that only comes once in a lifetime. And
if he has his friends telling him that I don't
(18:10):
care what you have to do, flirt with them insanely,
make him jealous. Do what you will. You will get
those friends to be on your side. Now Stepmomma Daris
is going to answer your question, how do I take
(18:31):
out in your life insurance policy on him without making
him suspicious? Huh. Finally someone is listening to my work
and knowing the questions to ask. Thank you so much
for writing in life insurance is a wonderful little thing
to always have in your back pocket. Now, there are
two ways of doing this. One you start going on
(18:52):
gorgeous trips such as safaris or perhaps a desert oh
the a mongari. One might say a little you've taw
desert a trek out there? A scorpion could bite you.
Why he could die? You want him to take out
as many life insurance policies in your interest. Remember, it's
about manipulating him into wanting to need you. If he
(19:16):
needs you, why he should take out as many life
insurance policies as possible, especially if you're living out all
of his deep dark fantasies of being Indiana Jones or
some dumbass thing that all these pathetic little men love
to pretend to be. Another way of doing this is classic.
I just said it right before we took our little break. Darling.
(19:37):
Drug him. It's so easy to do you drug him,
You take out the policy. He asked, who took this out?
You say why you did. It's a classic drug and gaslight,
and I personally think that there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.
You'd give him a little bit of Valume, a little
bit of Zanex, a little bit of Advent, whatever it
is that you have on hand, crush it up, mix
(19:59):
it in a gorgeous the little fashion, and next thing
you know, you have a fat life insurance policy ready
and waiting for you. And you didn't really do anything
wrong other than relax him, pushing him toward a decision
you know he would ultimately have made for you. After all,
he's in love with you. You're his soul mate and
(20:20):
he's yours, so of course he only wants what's best.
And oh my goodness, I can't believe he ran into
a tree when we were skiing in Cortina. Oh gosh,
it's a good thing he took out that life insurance
policy when you were just enjoying cocktails and Kiowa Island
a few months ago. You had no idea that was
(20:43):
going to happen. Now, did you always played dumb? It's
always your best friend? Hi? So um, I got a
lot of change happening right now, and I was wondering
if you had any in fights or on how to
handle all of it. Look, I got a job interviews
and went to the city. My girlfriend and I are
(21:04):
props in together, and U I just really need some
step motherly advice or on how to process it all. Wow,
what a thoughtful question. Here's some advice for you. Don't
process it. Don't give yourself but a little ounce of
free time to even let that brain think. When we
(21:24):
let the brain think, it fox us up. When we
let the brain go and do whatever it wants to do,
it will start creating thoughts that aren't helpful to our
overall goals in life, which is of course being gorgeous,
having money and staying tight. Now, what I suggest you
do is ask your girlfriend for her credit card, not yours,
(21:46):
and you go out and you max it the funk out.
That's right. You buy yourself everything and anything you want.
A new computer, sure, new tits, why not, a vaginal laby,
a plastic go for queen. You want to get yourself
a brand new set of diamond to wear on every
single finger. I suggest you go forth, max out the card,
(22:10):
live your life. Spoil yourself rotten, spoil yourself so that
you are stinking like the piece of Rockford on a
cheese pladder nobody wants to eat. If you do that,
I guarantee you'll distract yourself long enough to forget hell
that you're even in a new city, or that there's
any change going on around you at all. You'll just
(22:32):
be suffocating in the bliss of opulence, and that really
is the key to life. Oh and quit your job
fan here, do you have any advice on what to
do to spice up my real lociones a bit of
(22:52):
a row of me and my other and uh, I
was wondering if you had any tidbits advice, you know,
things that could help you know keat ups come and fall. Well,
thank you so much, dearest listener, for calling in and
finally bringing up a topic. I can sink my teeth
(23:14):
and lips into sex, something that I can't believe I
so foolishly skipped right over when talking about capturing. Of course,
when we're capturing, you can absolutely just completely pussy whip
the guy. Nothing is more powerful than a libido and
two bodies colliding in the sheets. Nothing is more powerful
(23:37):
than riding someone until the morning comes. Nothing is more
powerful than making them or gasm at the top of
their lungs. Nothing is more powerful than you show them
sides of themselves they didn't know before and when you
dip into their sexual fantasies. So what I would say
to you, what's your fantasy? Do you want to maybe
(23:58):
dress up as uh mailman? Oh special delivery? And then
what do you know? It's your gorgeous body covered in
tom Ford body oil, waiting for your man to slip
and slide right in. I always think a little role
play is important, and when you get to play someone
such as an essential worker, it also keeps the sex
(24:19):
very grounded and philanthropic. So it's nice to feel like
you're digging down a nurse or a doctor, I'm a
postal worker, or someone like a lunch lady. It's always
good to have sort of grounded role play. I had
one guy once who loved it, absolutely loved it. When
I was his wet nurse. That's right. I would strap
(24:41):
on a bottle of milk, put it on my titter,
and he would lunch right on like a little baby
and just knob away all while I was jacking him off.
Now that I think about it, that was probably your father.
I was doing that too, So if you did hear
him moaning with absolute ecstasy when you were a child,
(25:02):
I do apologize. I know he was never able to
rebound fully from that gorgeous sex. Starting with some role
play is what I would suggest. First. Choking on the
dick is always a tough second, getting plowed in the
ass always a third, and the fourth a good old
(25:23):
hand job. Now I know what you're thinking. That is
so boring. Nothing that you can't make spicy, Nothing like
a hand job while reciting the breakup scene from Cramer
versus Cramer. Nothing gets a man hard like reliving his
divorced trauma all while fucking his hot new pieces hand.
(25:44):
Trust me, it works like a charm. I hope that helps.
And our last question that I will get to of
this absolutely sloppy web episode, I actually have a stepmom
related question. My stepmom and I had kind of a
falling out over the past few years. How would you
(26:04):
like to rekindle a relationship with your stepchild? What advice
would you give your stepchild to win back your heart? Wow?
What a sickeningly sentimental question that was why if one
of my many stepchildren wanted to rekindle with their darling
dearest stepmother, it's simple, sign over your money to me,
(26:28):
sign over your chunk of daddy, dearest swill, and then
we'll be square. But if you simply can't do that
for some dumb moral reason, you could at least buy
me a gift like a jet or a boat, or
something that would put you so deep into financial debt
that you could never buy a house. Your fucking credit
(26:51):
is so bad. But if your step mommy is a
little bit more of the soft and tender type, why
there's nothing that a trip to Paris hasn't fixed. Take
her on a shopping spree, wine her and die in
her pour. Just bottles of Chablis down her throat until
she doesn't see anything but heart in her eyes for you,
(27:11):
and make sure you compliment her work. It's important that
everyone knows their faces are sitting right, and when they
hear it from a young and hip person like yourself,
what it means the world to them. Remember, everyone loves
a kiss ass, even if they pretend like they don't,
And be a good boy and run often. Buy me
(27:33):
that mink coat I've been wanting oh and gosh, you
really do freak of shallots. Well that's it from dearest
stepmother today. I hope that was salty and sinister enough.
And to just review what I've told my little freakish
(27:55):
rotted mutts you all are when we sure we don't
want to make enemies. We want people to want us
to come in and invade their life. We want our
prey to feel inspired, nay demanded to wed us. We
(28:19):
want this to be as easy as possible. The kids, well,
they gotta go, unless, of course they are parentless, and unless,
of course they will truly and deeply and earnestly love
you and potentially one day be on your side. We've
all seen the classic film Heartbreakers. You could have your
own Jennifer love Huett too. Remember always be aware of
(28:44):
what's going on in the environments around you. Never let
anybody give you a drink that you don't know what's
in it that you haven't poured yourself. You never know
who could be slipping kalonapin and the only one slipping
Kalona pin is. You take out the life insurance policy,
get close to the family, knock a kid off a boat.
If you have to take the family trip. Always say yes,
(29:07):
say yes, until we say oh no when they die.
Until then, I will talk to you next week when
we finally get to secure our capture, when we finally
get to make it legal, when we finally have put
in all of our blood, sweat and tears. Two, get
(29:29):
it all now. Remember no one likes a sloppy whore.
Get it together and I'll talk to you next week.
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