July 20, 2022 • 30 mins
Episode 4: SECURE
Congratulations! You've made it to the end of your hunt! All that is left is securing the bag aka that filthy rich future by making it LEGAL! BUT before we walk down the aisle, we have to be sure our checks and balances are in place. Stepmom will go over all of the details to make sure your future plans are executed seamlessly! And Stepmom of course answers all of your desperate and needy questions!
Greta Titelman also hosts the podcast Senior Superlatives, you can watch her on the most recent season of Search Party and make sure to follow her @gertiebird!
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Oh well, if it isn't my little sloppy mddy coddle
nimwits joining me today. I hope you're doing well, and
I've had successful captures since last week and haven't done
something so asin on and like not listen to your
stepmother speaking of it is me. You're perfectly standing, iconic
(00:23):
and tight as all hell. Stepmother here to give you
the fourth and final episode of the husband Hunt. That's right.
Today we are going to be talking about securing the
most important piece of the puzzle after the past three episodes.
Since I know your brains cannot retain or recall any
(00:47):
pertinent information, I will be reviewing what we went over
in episode three. Now. On episode three we reviewed, of course,
making sure every single person in your praise life is
obsessed with you, and by that I mean wants to
fuck you. It is important that you never fall asleep,
to never give any one of influence but a smidgen
(01:08):
of air to ever talk shit about you. You never
want to get too close to the children now, and
remember if you do, you should always and will always
frame them for things such as, but not limited to,
petty theft and of course murder. It's always important we
gain full financial control for eventually when things become legal,
(01:29):
which is what we are going to go over to day. Wow,
I can't believe this journey we've been on together, the
whole shebang of the husband hunt, here to one stunning
final episode. It's securing, that's right, or, as I like
to say, till death or divorce do us part a
(01:52):
successful capture. Bravos, It's time we secure. You're that filthy,
stinky bag of richie rich who have come to be
your fortunate prey. So what does your dear stepmother mean
by securing while making it legal? Of course? Ring ring
(02:16):
ring ring ring ring? Are those No? They simply couldn't
be wedding bells? I hear, yes they are. Congratulations you're
getting married, But not so first, before you think you
(02:38):
can confidently strut your snorched little wist in your custom
Oscar de Laurenta gown in those six and Christian lubatans,
you are mistaken. The job is not complete, dear. Just
because you have a ring on your finger, a lot
can go wrong between now and I do so naturally
(03:02):
to ensure that that's not going to happen, I'm going
to go over what not to do for you? Daft
little do what's first starters? No one looks a messy bitch. Remember,
marriage is a business there, and you are about to
become the c e fucking Oh but we cannot have
(03:25):
anyone poking holes in our plans. So everything from now
until I do has to be bulletproof. I'm talking not
even an a k fuck can come into that wedding
hall and blow it the funk up. Once you have
married here, pray why anything can happen? Accidents happen all
the time. But until then you cannot start acting a fool. Don't,
(03:51):
for example, say stay neutral on the full concept of marriage.
A lot of young kids these days act like, you know,
you're better than the easiest contract to sign in the
world marriage. What they don't realize is we don't get
married because, oh, we don't want to be lonely. We
(04:11):
want a partner, We need companionship, we need identity. Now
we're getting married because it is our job. That's right.
R j Ob. Want to know how to go from
no figures to ten figures? Overright? Easy? Marry it now.
(04:31):
Don't become a bridezilla. I don't care if the in
laws have decided. Your white and colors are going to
be vomit green and dehydrated syrup is yellow. You dear,
say yes. You don't want to give anyone a single
fucking reason to say you are difficult while you are
as easy as dipping into a vat of I can't
(04:54):
believe it's not butter. You're going to be that easy, breezy,
beautiful bride and there will be no ifs, aunts or
butts about it. Let the wedding planner take care of everything,
do you hear me? That's what you pay them for.
Let them do their job. You have a problem, make
(05:15):
it the wedding planners problem, not yours. You are not
going to become the demon you have house inside of you.
You are going to keep that to yourself until it's
time for double our start now. Don't do what some
of you foolish little fuckers do and get sentimental. Only
(05:39):
get sentimental if it benefits him. When you put expectations
on the wedding day that oh, it's supposed to be
emotional or worse fulfill some kind of god awful pathetic preview.
Butstn't fantasy you had as a child. It won't this
is a per perform and steer a grand concerto, the
(06:04):
Aria and the Count of Monte Cristo. It is a
business performance in you you are merely playing the oscar
winning part of best Actor. Remember these richie riches, especially
the oldiest, love sentimental bullshit too, So just let them
take the lead. Hopefully this is their last time walking
(06:28):
down the aisle, or even walking at all. If they
want to get married in Buffalo, New York, in the
depths of winter, let them. If they decide they want
to bear foot wedding and Mary, let them. I know
you won't be able to wear the Christian Lubertante so
desperately wanted to wear. But to remember, there's always next time. Now,
(06:48):
don't do something compliartic like putting any of your pre
existing funds in a joint account. I don't care if
the only thing you have is a easily torn dollars
that you made from selling one foot picture on only fans.
That does not go in the account. The only thing
(07:09):
going in that joint account is money that he puts
in for your monthly maintenance and of course the maintenance
of the house. From there on, Ada will be wedding
gifts and other funds that you allocate for yourself, but
you will then decide. Uh. And besides, he should be
happy to put money in this account at this point,
(07:30):
as it is his honor to see you thrive and
grow as his beautifully bestowed bride. Now, don't sign any contract,
especially one as horrid as I can't even say it
him choking on the word up pre nup. Do you
(07:51):
understand me? If a pre nup gets brought up, and
I hope you did a good job until this point,
that it won't even be a thing that would lip
into his little mind. But if it does, you need
to get your own lawyer. Do you understand now? We
don't care about the sentimental bullshit he might want to
(08:15):
leave to his god awful spawn. We just want all
the liquid assets and anything of course with high resale values,
such as a property or art or jewelry, cars, et cetera.
Think portfolios, darling. Now, if you have to sign the prenup,
and I mean have to have to, please just make
(08:37):
sure that all of the assets it's protecting are completely meaningless,
and always make sure there are loopholes. The law can
always work on our favor. Eventually, now most importantly, something
to remember, something that all of you young pathetic lunatics
need to remember. Don't get to comfortable. We are too
(09:02):
close to securing the grand prize to let our true
colors shine through. So you must stay method in the person,
the gorgeous person that you have created, that has become
your captured praise fantasy. You cannot deviate from the person
who has gotten him to propose with a forty one
(09:25):
carrot canary diamond. Dear, you can't do anything so foolish
as to let him see a crack or crevice of
the real person you are inside. And if you have
committed wholeheartedly to this, why you don't even know who
that person is anymore. Now, of course it's story time,
(09:49):
will I'll tell you a tragic tale of what I
lost one of the biggest linosaurs of my life, all
because I deviated. I deviated from the person I created
an eye God, I let him see I was human
(10:10):
and no one, no one wants to love humans, So
of course, let me paint the picture. He was eighty
seven years old. He owned every single crude oil barrel
from here wrapped around the globe a million times over. Yes,
he was pure disgusting evil money, so stinky rotten it
(10:35):
could probably make Peppy le Peu vomit himself. Now I
had finally secured a gargantuan rock. I'm talking a rock
so big I needed to walk around with a little
crane to hold my finger up. Why it was gorgeous.
It was a rock from Cartier, made a nineteen forty
(10:57):
for a Rockefeller themselves, a rock so big it looked
like a boulder, probably upwards of sixty carrots. So to
celebrate her pre week to the wedding, he takes me
to No Boo Malibu, one of my favorite restaurants in
the world, Malibu Noble. What could go wrong? Sitting at
(11:20):
the beach, the waves crashing against the restaurant, sipping on
alicchi martini, and you know this Richie rich had never
seen me drunk, he had never seen me loose. But
I figured, why not. We're a week away. I can
let it out a little bit. And I have been
(11:41):
pursuing him and with him and capturing him for nine months.
It was time that I let my freak flag fly,
and not just in the bedroom. And I thought, gosh,
this man, he'll never leave me. Why He's obsessed. He
dips my toes and hummus and licks it right off
for lunch every single day. How could I ever do
(12:02):
anything to mess this up? Well, one Lichi martini to
Lechi Martini three four five, A few pieces of uney
and that rock shrimp mixed with a spicy mao and ponzo.
And next thing you know, oh that tell me is grumbling.
I'm slurring my speech talking about the fact that I
went to University of Arizona, something he never even knew
(12:26):
I did. I'm talking all about how I used to
consume family sized bags of sour cream and onion chips.
And the next thing you know, my stomach is grumbling
so loud. I'm about to blow. So I make him
get the range Rover, not get in the car, and
(12:47):
I unleash a gas that's so toxic. Why it practically
burned a hole through that custom Gucci leather. It blew
up the car so bad it was like tear gas.
He started to sob he couldn't breathe. He said that
I was ruining his nasal canal. And when we got home,
(13:11):
why I blew up that bathroom for hours? Those five
licchi Martiniz and that ponzo rock shrimp and that uney
did me and I was having diarrhea from dusk till dawn,
practically demoed the place. In that time. I told him
things about me. I never wanted him to know. I
(13:31):
didn't need him to know the truth, didn't need him
to know that I ever even tasted a sour cream
and onion lace chip let alone went to state school.
So when I finally crawled out of the bathroom, and
I know it was bad, every single window in the
house was open deer, and I'm talking around two hundred
(13:52):
and fifty six windows. While he was gone, a note
was left transferring you some money so you can get
on your feet going to the house and the Canary Islands.
Good luck, godspeed. The wedding's off. Now you can imagine
(14:12):
how much work I put in to that, only to
let a little piece of ship ruin my chances with
one of the biggest catchers of all time. The good
thing is when someone proposes to you, the ring does
become a gift. So I was able to use that
(14:33):
gigantic rock as a safety net. But I was just
so sad that the thing that blew up My prospect.
Life with him was literally turds. Was turds that were
shooting out of me for hours on and turds so vile.
He completely forgot about the rip roaring sex I would
(14:55):
have to him to his favorite Elvis LP. He completely
forgot about the fact that would dress up as a
flapper to cosplay like his dear old mommy. He completely
forgot about the fact that I sacrifice everything in my
life for him. Hm. Why that little slip and slide
of ship when I painted the town brown in that bowl?
(15:16):
He knew then that I was not his bride. No,
I was just a floozy who wanted chess. Now, don't
let something like shit or him seeing the true you
ruin your chances down the aisle. You are not safe
until you say I do. Now, of course, what to do? Now,
(15:42):
you're wondering, good stepmother, He hasn't even proposed yet. How
do I get him to propose? Well, that's easy, dear ask.
We only get what we ask for in this life,
So don't be a shy little rabbit now and just
fucking ask you say to him, you know what I
would love to do? Get married? You know what I've
fantasized about doing getting married and he will get the picture.
(16:06):
Don't do something as stupid as putting let's say, photos
of Cape Middleton's ring on his iPad. He is not
going to get it. You have to spell it out
for him. And hopefully you've already been perfect as I
know you have, so it's not going to be that hard.
If you've followed all of my advice over the last
three episodes, he should be running to Harry fucking Weston
(16:28):
himself and getting you the biggest rock available in the world.
That's right. Now, do be specific about the engagement ring.
As I mentioned but a minute ago. You want a
ring with high resale value. Remember this is legally a gift. Technically,
if you don't make it down the aisle, you can
(16:50):
at least have the ring as a gorgeous little nest
until you've officially moved on to your next hunt. It's
not so bad to go out there and sell that
rock at Christie's first, say fifteen million dollars. That should
tide you over for a few months. Dear, now, do
hire your own lawyer. I don't want to say it again,
(17:13):
I don't care if you don't have the personal finances
to find it, blow them, suck them off. I don't know,
do something, get creative. Just get your own lawyer. You
cannot use the family lawyer. The family lawyer does not
have your interests at heart. Why they have the families.
So you want someone that is only looking out for
you and dear. That is not going to be the
old family lawyer that's been looking over the trust for
(17:35):
the past fifty years. No, that's going to be some
person you find that is shady. You want the shadiest
lawyer in the business. You want a lawyer that lacks
any morals at all. You wan a lawyer that's going
to come in and suck and fuck your prey just
as you have. So the more deranged the better. Now,
(17:56):
do please do clean out your closet. We all have
skeletons back there, and it's important that we are clean
as a whistle if we don't even want anyone seeing
that we potentially have a flawed credit score. I want
you to be spick and span as that wretched, god,
awful and iconic Miss Hannigan says. I wanted to shine
(18:16):
like the top of the chrystlbel like I don't want
anyone to ever do any digging and see but a
bad photo of you in a horrid Collorween costume from
two thousand and nine. I need you descrub everything, change
your name if you have to. It's not that hard.
People hide out in the outskirts of Tucson, Arizona all
the time. I think you can do the same. Now,
(18:37):
this one is very important. Do collect evidence of love,
pure love in your favor when the time comes for
a divorce or accord hearing against say his angsty little
rat children. It's important to have collected memories, love letters,
(18:59):
no videos, any kind of sentimental clipping to sway a jury,
and knowing, of course this man wants to leave you everything.
We need to be building a case from the second
we lay eyes on them to the second we watch
them die or divorce them. We want to have a
(19:21):
case so strong that our love is like watching the
love of fucking the notebook. Okay, we want our love
to be so convincing. People shed tears when they hear
you argue in court. But he just wanted me to
have the life he knew I deserved, and that starts
with evidence. So make the evidence, memories, collaging, whatever, fucking
(19:45):
decoupage bullshit you have to do. Make sure you have
a case. Please start slowly transferring funds. It's the easiest
thing you can do. The second you get agg as
to any account, why go and use that credit card
by yourself something expensive, return it, get the returning cash
(20:05):
and just starts stowing that cash away. Soon the purchases
can become bigger and bigger. Soon you'll be able to
just start inconspicuously writing checks to yourself. Oh, the maid
came twice today and you just happened to be one
of those mates. But this is the most important thing
you should do. Build trust. Once you say I do,
(20:28):
the job does not end there. You need to continue
to build trust. You are a team. Now you are
husband and wife. Remember you want him to trust you
so much that the second you say I do, you
also get a position on every single one of his
company's boards. You want to become the full executor of
(20:52):
his estate. That is the goal. So he must trust you,
trust you trust you. The second you say I do, Wow,
that trust has just percolated and bubbled over into absolute
merital bliss for him and for you. It doesn't stop there.
The trust just goes and goes and goes and goes
and goes, and finally, a very important thing to remember
(21:16):
is when to cut them loose. When can I get
the divorce stepmother? When can I set myself free? After
five years, I'd say five years is enough time to
fully convince everyone that you love them and that you're
committed to them. Also, in that five years, you can
do some pre research on other hunts you want to
be going on. Remember, as I mentioned in other episodes,
(21:37):
it is okay for you to dip your toes in
other sexpots. For example, any staff at the home or
homes plural, a pilot of the private jetta, captain of
the ship. All of those are fair game. Why affairs
simply happen and they're out of your control, But do
be controlled. You don't want to anyone divorcing you. Remember
(22:03):
it's important to keep secrets, so don't tell anyone of
your extramarital romps. I hope that was gorgeously informative. It's
time that I take some of your questions. I was
secretly raised as a barefoot hillbilly with no sexual morals.
(22:28):
My talents are a rare and precious thing. But how
do I blow my man's mind and load without revealing
to my fair lady of it all. Well, if that's
not the horniest voicemail I've received, I don't know what is.
It sounds like, my little sexual deviant freak, you have
been doing just that, gulping down those loads and blowing
(22:51):
his god damn mind. Now, I don't think it matters
where you were raised, And if he is so completely
upset that you were raised a barefoot hillbilly, then that's
on him. Dear Frankly, it sounds like you're doing a
good job, and a damn good job at that. So
I don't think that we should break something if it's
not broken. And also if you never want him to
(23:14):
know that you are a barefoot hillbilly, fine, for all
he needs to know. You grew up on a yacht
in the south of France, and your bare feet weren't
in that of a hillbilly town. But we're on that
of freshly glossed teak in the Riviera. Now, I don't
think it matters where you grew up. I think that,
in fact, it could be one of your superpowers. As
(23:35):
you said, you contain a rare and wild talent that
I'm sure i'd be curious to know about. So stop
feeling shame for being from a quote unquote hill billy
area and start being proud, because after all, that is
what gave you the power to completely get him to
(23:55):
squirt all the way up to the gods. Enjoy it, darling,
and don't be scared. There's nothing that a little contour
and a lot of luxury items can't hide, not a
fan well away. We were talking to my friend Scott
at the pool the other day. Uh, I just wanted
(24:18):
to say that, Um, you know, waltz in here marrying
my dad just talked to my buddy there. Um, you
know he's it's a little it's a little nerving. Uh
So what do you have to say for yourself? That's
what I want to know. It is not my fault,
(24:39):
dear stepson, that your friend Scott was busy googl ng
my rock hard nipples. Now, will you please stop berating
me and go back into the basement where I believe
you are fixing my hyperbaric chamber, Please hop to it.
And also, God, you look like shit. If you don't
(24:59):
start using those crest white strips on the daily, you're
never going to move out of this house. Hi, I'm
twice seven dating somebody who is born insane decade is
my parents. So he has three sons and they're all
in college. So basically the question is when we do
(25:23):
me like, what does that look like? What's the goal?
God last, godspeed? M M. Well, finally we've acquired an
aged taste. I'm proud of you. However, I hate the
fact that he has three sons. If I've taught you nothing,
(25:45):
it's please, please, please go out there and find someone
that has no children, or at least only one or two.
Three is too much, especially sons. Now, I'm a little
confused to be his stepmother needs to know if you
have met or not. I say, if you haven't met
him and the relationship, now and find a bigger cohna
(26:08):
with less family. However, if you must meet, the goal is,
of course to get him to marry you and sign
everything over to you and cut out his little college
bound kids. I think that you must be delicate, though,
because you don't want to be too eager, So make
sure that your operation is kept under wraps. Don't let
(26:30):
anyone know what you're actually there for, which, of course
is not something as foolish as love, but as smart
as unlimited credit and access to a black card. I
like this guy. We've been sort of saying each other
more soares having sex right now and then, but also
talking and the kind of like connected in the same
(26:50):
front group. And I'm just curious what your advice would
be as to how do you get into be more
OBSESSI me because he's not as absessions I expected him
to be at this point, and um, yeah, I just
want to know what you think. Well, I think he
is a goddamn idiot that you don't need to spend
(27:11):
one more second of your precious little time thinking about.
If he is not absolutely obsessed with you, licking your
crack from click to asshole, then honey, he is not
worth your fucking time. He should be wanting to know
where you are, when you are, what you are two
four seven, And if he's not, then he sounds like
a capital L lame loser. Now, I think that if
(27:36):
you want him to be obsessed with you do the
classic thing and emotionally shut down and ignore him. There's
nothing that drives people more crazy that when they're not
getting the attention and adoration they too think they deserve,
so stop giving a funk about him and he'll start
giving a shit about you. However, he does sound rather tragic, dear,
and I know you can do better, so stop thinking that.
(27:59):
Way you need to be doing is focusing on why
he's obsessed with you, and start obsessing over yourself. Well, wow,
thank you so much for joining me on the husband
hunt with me, your stepmother. It has been incredibly educational,
I hope, and you've learned a lot. While you've learned
(28:22):
how to seek, you're getting rid of that sticky, icky
old life into brighter, better, more bentiful pastures. You've learned
how to spot them when you're now in better environments
to see real richie riches. You have then figured out
how to pursue them when you go after your sought
(28:43):
after prey. You've learned how to capture them, that's right,
how you're going to keep them, make sure they never
want to leave you. And of course you've now learned
how to secure them. You've learned how to get what
you want, how to get them to posts, and how
to be that gorgeous, stunning bride. I know you will
be or g room now. Did you know at monkey
(29:09):
Bar you were going to run into one of the
world's biggest plastic surgeons wearing that stunning vintage patcheck Philip. No,
but did you see him at the bar and get
his card? Yes? Did you then just so happen to
show up at a clinic because you accidentally needed an
emergency rhinoplasts? And oh he's your doctor? Why yes you did?
(29:34):
Did you manage to have a lot of things in common?
And now all of a sudden he's taking you to
meet his children and his friends on a gorgeous trip
all the way down to St. Thomas. Why yes you did?
Is he now going to propose to you after only
knowing you for three months? And are you now going
to inherit his say, sixty million dollars at massive five
(29:59):
plus property real estate portfolio as well as his collection
of McLaren's. Why yes you are? And when did you
do this? All but in a span of a few
short months? And that, my dear, is how you hunt.
Now I'll need you to drive me to Dr Diamond
(30:22):
when my college and threads snapped while I was blowing daddy,
and I can't have him see me with a prolapsed face.
And when you return, please change my sheets. The cleaning
lady won't be back until tomorrow, and I can't have
your father spunk drying on them if it sits for
one more moment. Why the ten thread Countergyptian carton is
simply going to turn into a chip. Oh, and I
(30:45):
forgot to say happy hunting.
Oh well, if it isn't my little sloppy mddy coddle
nimwits joining me today. I hope you're doing well, and
I've had successful captures since last week and haven't done
something so asin on and like not listen to your
stepmother speaking of it is me. You're perfectly standing, iconic
(00:23):
and tight as all hell. Stepmother here to give you
the fourth and final episode of the husband Hunt. That's right.
Today we are going to be talking about securing the
most important piece of the puzzle after the past three episodes.
Since I know your brains cannot retain or recall any
(00:47):
pertinent information, I will be reviewing what we went over
in episode three. Now. On episode three we reviewed, of course,
making sure every single person in your praise life is
obsessed with you, and by that I mean wants to
fuck you. It is important that you never fall asleep,
to never give any one of influence but a smidgen
(01:08):
of air to ever talk shit about you. You never
want to get too close to the children now, and
remember if you do, you should always and will always
frame them for things such as, but not limited to,
petty theft and of course murder. It's always important we
gain full financial control for eventually when things become legal,
(01:29):
which is what we are going to go over to day. Wow,
I can't believe this journey we've been on together, the
whole shebang of the husband hunt, here to one stunning
final episode. It's securing, that's right, or, as I like
to say, till death or divorce do us part a
(01:52):
successful capture. Bravos, It's time we secure. You're that filthy,
stinky bag of richie rich who have come to be
your fortunate prey. So what does your dear stepmother mean
by securing while making it legal? Of course? Ring ring
(02:16):
ring ring ring ring? Are those No? They simply couldn't
be wedding bells? I hear, yes they are. Congratulations you're
getting married, But not so first, before you think you
(02:38):
can confidently strut your snorched little wist in your custom
Oscar de Laurenta gown in those six and Christian lubatans,
you are mistaken. The job is not complete, dear. Just
because you have a ring on your finger, a lot
can go wrong between now and I do so naturally
(03:02):
to ensure that that's not going to happen, I'm going
to go over what not to do for you? Daft
little do what's first starters? No one looks a messy bitch. Remember,
marriage is a business there, and you are about to
become the c e fucking Oh but we cannot have
(03:25):
anyone poking holes in our plans. So everything from now
until I do has to be bulletproof. I'm talking not
even an a k fuck can come into that wedding
hall and blow it the funk up. Once you have
married here, pray why anything can happen? Accidents happen all
the time. But until then you cannot start acting a fool. Don't,
(03:51):
for example, say stay neutral on the full concept of marriage.
A lot of young kids these days act like, you know,
you're better than the easiest contract to sign in the
world marriage. What they don't realize is we don't get
married because, oh, we don't want to be lonely. We
(04:11):
want a partner, We need companionship, we need identity. Now
we're getting married because it is our job. That's right.
R j Ob. Want to know how to go from
no figures to ten figures? Overright? Easy? Marry it now.
(04:31):
Don't become a bridezilla. I don't care if the in
laws have decided. Your white and colors are going to
be vomit green and dehydrated syrup is yellow. You dear,
say yes. You don't want to give anyone a single
fucking reason to say you are difficult while you are
as easy as dipping into a vat of I can't
(04:54):
believe it's not butter. You're going to be that easy, breezy,
beautiful bride and there will be no ifs, aunts or
butts about it. Let the wedding planner take care of everything,
do you hear me? That's what you pay them for.
Let them do their job. You have a problem, make
(05:15):
it the wedding planners problem, not yours. You are not
going to become the demon you have house inside of you.
You are going to keep that to yourself until it's
time for double our start now. Don't do what some
of you foolish little fuckers do and get sentimental. Only
(05:39):
get sentimental if it benefits him. When you put expectations
on the wedding day that oh, it's supposed to be
emotional or worse fulfill some kind of god awful pathetic preview.
Butstn't fantasy you had as a child. It won't this
is a per perform and steer a grand concerto, the
(06:04):
Aria and the Count of Monte Cristo. It is a
business performance in you you are merely playing the oscar
winning part of best Actor. Remember these richie riches, especially
the oldiest, love sentimental bullshit too, So just let them
take the lead. Hopefully this is their last time walking
(06:28):
down the aisle, or even walking at all. If they
want to get married in Buffalo, New York, in the
depths of winter, let them. If they decide they want
to bear foot wedding and Mary, let them. I know
you won't be able to wear the Christian Lubertante so
desperately wanted to wear. But to remember, there's always next time. Now,
(06:48):
don't do something compliartic like putting any of your pre
existing funds in a joint account. I don't care if
the only thing you have is a easily torn dollars
that you made from selling one foot picture on only fans.
That does not go in the account. The only thing
(07:09):
going in that joint account is money that he puts
in for your monthly maintenance and of course the maintenance
of the house. From there on, Ada will be wedding
gifts and other funds that you allocate for yourself, but
you will then decide. Uh. And besides, he should be
happy to put money in this account at this point,
(07:30):
as it is his honor to see you thrive and
grow as his beautifully bestowed bride. Now, don't sign any contract,
especially one as horrid as I can't even say it
him choking on the word up pre nup. Do you
(07:51):
understand me? If a pre nup gets brought up, and
I hope you did a good job until this point,
that it won't even be a thing that would lip
into his little mind. But if it does, you need
to get your own lawyer. Do you understand now? We
don't care about the sentimental bullshit he might want to
(08:15):
leave to his god awful spawn. We just want all
the liquid assets and anything of course with high resale values,
such as a property or art or jewelry, cars, et cetera.
Think portfolios, darling. Now, if you have to sign the prenup,
and I mean have to have to, please just make
(08:37):
sure that all of the assets it's protecting are completely meaningless,
and always make sure there are loopholes. The law can
always work on our favor. Eventually, now most importantly, something
to remember, something that all of you young pathetic lunatics
need to remember. Don't get to comfortable. We are too
(09:02):
close to securing the grand prize to let our true
colors shine through. So you must stay method in the person,
the gorgeous person that you have created, that has become
your captured praise fantasy. You cannot deviate from the person
who has gotten him to propose with a forty one
(09:25):
carrot canary diamond. Dear, you can't do anything so foolish
as to let him see a crack or crevice of
the real person you are inside. And if you have
committed wholeheartedly to this, why you don't even know who
that person is anymore. Now, of course it's story time,
(09:49):
will I'll tell you a tragic tale of what I
lost one of the biggest linosaurs of my life, all
because I deviated. I deviated from the person I created
an eye God, I let him see I was human
(10:10):
and no one, no one wants to love humans, So
of course, let me paint the picture. He was eighty
seven years old. He owned every single crude oil barrel
from here wrapped around the globe a million times over. Yes,
he was pure disgusting evil money, so stinky rotten it
(10:35):
could probably make Peppy le Peu vomit himself. Now I
had finally secured a gargantuan rock. I'm talking a rock
so big I needed to walk around with a little
crane to hold my finger up. Why it was gorgeous.
It was a rock from Cartier, made a nineteen forty
(10:57):
for a Rockefeller themselves, a rock so big it looked
like a boulder, probably upwards of sixty carrots. So to
celebrate her pre week to the wedding, he takes me
to No Boo Malibu, one of my favorite restaurants in
the world, Malibu Noble. What could go wrong? Sitting at
(11:20):
the beach, the waves crashing against the restaurant, sipping on
alicchi martini, and you know this Richie rich had never
seen me drunk, he had never seen me loose. But
I figured, why not. We're a week away. I can
let it out a little bit. And I have been
(11:41):
pursuing him and with him and capturing him for nine months.
It was time that I let my freak flag fly,
and not just in the bedroom. And I thought, gosh,
this man, he'll never leave me. Why He's obsessed. He
dips my toes and hummus and licks it right off
for lunch every single day. How could I ever do
(12:02):
anything to mess this up? Well, one Lichi martini to
Lechi Martini three four five, A few pieces of uney
and that rock shrimp mixed with a spicy mao and ponzo.
And next thing you know, oh that tell me is grumbling.
I'm slurring my speech talking about the fact that I
went to University of Arizona, something he never even knew
(12:26):
I did. I'm talking all about how I used to
consume family sized bags of sour cream and onion chips.
And the next thing you know, my stomach is grumbling
so loud. I'm about to blow. So I make him
get the range Rover, not get in the car, and
(12:47):
I unleash a gas that's so toxic. Why it practically
burned a hole through that custom Gucci leather. It blew
up the car so bad it was like tear gas.
He started to sob he couldn't breathe. He said that
I was ruining his nasal canal. And when we got home,
(13:11):
why I blew up that bathroom for hours? Those five
licchi Martiniz and that ponzo rock shrimp and that uney
did me and I was having diarrhea from dusk till dawn,
practically demoed the place. In that time. I told him
things about me. I never wanted him to know. I
(13:31):
didn't need him to know the truth, didn't need him
to know that I ever even tasted a sour cream
and onion lace chip let alone went to state school.
So when I finally crawled out of the bathroom, and
I know it was bad, every single window in the
house was open deer, and I'm talking around two hundred
(13:52):
and fifty six windows. While he was gone, a note
was left transferring you some money so you can get
on your feet going to the house and the Canary Islands.
Good luck, godspeed. The wedding's off. Now you can imagine
(14:12):
how much work I put in to that, only to
let a little piece of ship ruin my chances with
one of the biggest catchers of all time. The good
thing is when someone proposes to you, the ring does
become a gift. So I was able to use that
(14:33):
gigantic rock as a safety net. But I was just
so sad that the thing that blew up My prospect.
Life with him was literally turds. Was turds that were
shooting out of me for hours on and turds so vile.
He completely forgot about the rip roaring sex I would
(14:55):
have to him to his favorite Elvis LP. He completely
forgot about the fact that would dress up as a
flapper to cosplay like his dear old mommy. He completely
forgot about the fact that I sacrifice everything in my
life for him. Hm. Why that little slip and slide
of ship when I painted the town brown in that bowl?
(15:16):
He knew then that I was not his bride. No,
I was just a floozy who wanted chess. Now, don't
let something like shit or him seeing the true you
ruin your chances down the aisle. You are not safe
until you say I do. Now, of course, what to do? Now,
(15:42):
you're wondering, good stepmother, He hasn't even proposed yet. How
do I get him to propose? Well, that's easy, dear ask.
We only get what we ask for in this life,
So don't be a shy little rabbit now and just
fucking ask you say to him, you know what I
would love to do? Get married? You know what I've
fantasized about doing getting married and he will get the picture.
(16:06):
Don't do something as stupid as putting let's say, photos
of Cape Middleton's ring on his iPad. He is not
going to get it. You have to spell it out
for him. And hopefully you've already been perfect as I
know you have, so it's not going to be that hard.
If you've followed all of my advice over the last
three episodes, he should be running to Harry fucking Weston
(16:28):
himself and getting you the biggest rock available in the world.
That's right. Now, do be specific about the engagement ring.
As I mentioned but a minute ago. You want a
ring with high resale value. Remember this is legally a gift. Technically,
if you don't make it down the aisle, you can
(16:50):
at least have the ring as a gorgeous little nest
until you've officially moved on to your next hunt. It's
not so bad to go out there and sell that
rock at Christie's first, say fifteen million dollars. That should
tide you over for a few months. Dear, now, do
hire your own lawyer. I don't want to say it again,
(17:13):
I don't care if you don't have the personal finances
to find it, blow them, suck them off. I don't know,
do something, get creative. Just get your own lawyer. You
cannot use the family lawyer. The family lawyer does not
have your interests at heart. Why they have the families.
So you want someone that is only looking out for
you and dear. That is not going to be the
old family lawyer that's been looking over the trust for
(17:35):
the past fifty years. No, that's going to be some
person you find that is shady. You want the shadiest
lawyer in the business. You want a lawyer that lacks
any morals at all. You wan a lawyer that's going
to come in and suck and fuck your prey just
as you have. So the more deranged the better. Now,
(17:56):
do please do clean out your closet. We all have
skeletons back there, and it's important that we are clean
as a whistle if we don't even want anyone seeing
that we potentially have a flawed credit score. I want
you to be spick and span as that wretched, god,
awful and iconic Miss Hannigan says. I wanted to shine
(18:16):
like the top of the chrystlbel like I don't want
anyone to ever do any digging and see but a
bad photo of you in a horrid Collorween costume from
two thousand and nine. I need you descrub everything, change
your name if you have to. It's not that hard.
People hide out in the outskirts of Tucson, Arizona all
the time. I think you can do the same. Now,
(18:37):
this one is very important. Do collect evidence of love,
pure love in your favor when the time comes for
a divorce or accord hearing against say his angsty little
rat children. It's important to have collected memories, love letters,
(18:59):
no videos, any kind of sentimental clipping to sway a jury,
and knowing, of course this man wants to leave you everything.
We need to be building a case from the second
we lay eyes on them to the second we watch
them die or divorce them. We want to have a
(19:21):
case so strong that our love is like watching the
love of fucking the notebook. Okay, we want our love
to be so convincing. People shed tears when they hear
you argue in court. But he just wanted me to
have the life he knew I deserved, and that starts
with evidence. So make the evidence, memories, collaging, whatever, fucking
(19:45):
decoupage bullshit you have to do. Make sure you have
a case. Please start slowly transferring funds. It's the easiest
thing you can do. The second you get agg as
to any account, why go and use that credit card
by yourself something expensive, return it, get the returning cash
(20:05):
and just starts stowing that cash away. Soon the purchases
can become bigger and bigger. Soon you'll be able to
just start inconspicuously writing checks to yourself. Oh, the maid
came twice today and you just happened to be one
of those mates. But this is the most important thing
you should do. Build trust. Once you say I do,
(20:28):
the job does not end there. You need to continue
to build trust. You are a team. Now you are
husband and wife. Remember you want him to trust you
so much that the second you say I do, you
also get a position on every single one of his
company's boards. You want to become the full executor of
(20:52):
his estate. That is the goal. So he must trust you,
trust you trust you. The second you say I do, Wow,
that trust has just percolated and bubbled over into absolute
merital bliss for him and for you. It doesn't stop there.
The trust just goes and goes and goes and goes
and goes, and finally, a very important thing to remember
(21:16):
is when to cut them loose. When can I get
the divorce stepmother? When can I set myself free? After
five years, I'd say five years is enough time to
fully convince everyone that you love them and that you're
committed to them. Also, in that five years, you can
do some pre research on other hunts you want to
be going on. Remember, as I mentioned in other episodes,
(21:37):
it is okay for you to dip your toes in
other sexpots. For example, any staff at the home or
homes plural, a pilot of the private jetta, captain of
the ship. All of those are fair game. Why affairs
simply happen and they're out of your control, But do
be controlled. You don't want to anyone divorcing you. Remember
(22:03):
it's important to keep secrets, so don't tell anyone of
your extramarital romps. I hope that was gorgeously informative. It's
time that I take some of your questions. I was
secretly raised as a barefoot hillbilly with no sexual morals.
(22:28):
My talents are a rare and precious thing. But how
do I blow my man's mind and load without revealing
to my fair lady of it all. Well, if that's
not the horniest voicemail I've received, I don't know what is.
It sounds like, my little sexual deviant freak, you have
been doing just that, gulping down those loads and blowing
(22:51):
his god damn mind. Now, I don't think it matters
where you were raised, And if he is so completely
upset that you were raised a barefoot hillbilly, then that's
on him. Dear Frankly, it sounds like you're doing a
good job, and a damn good job at that. So
I don't think that we should break something if it's
not broken. And also if you never want him to
(23:14):
know that you are a barefoot hillbilly, fine, for all
he needs to know. You grew up on a yacht
in the south of France, and your bare feet weren't
in that of a hillbilly town. But we're on that
of freshly glossed teak in the Riviera. Now, I don't
think it matters where you grew up. I think that,
in fact, it could be one of your superpowers. As
(23:35):
you said, you contain a rare and wild talent that
I'm sure i'd be curious to know about. So stop
feeling shame for being from a quote unquote hill billy
area and start being proud, because after all, that is
what gave you the power to completely get him to
(23:55):
squirt all the way up to the gods. Enjoy it, darling,
and don't be scared. There's nothing that a little contour
and a lot of luxury items can't hide, not a
fan well away. We were talking to my friend Scott
at the pool the other day. Uh, I just wanted
(24:18):
to say that, Um, you know, waltz in here marrying
my dad just talked to my buddy there. Um, you
know he's it's a little it's a little nerving. Uh
So what do you have to say for yourself? That's
what I want to know. It is not my fault,
(24:39):
dear stepson, that your friend Scott was busy googl ng
my rock hard nipples. Now, will you please stop berating
me and go back into the basement where I believe
you are fixing my hyperbaric chamber, Please hop to it.
And also, God, you look like shit. If you don't
(24:59):
start using those crest white strips on the daily, you're
never going to move out of this house. Hi, I'm
twice seven dating somebody who is born insane decade is
my parents. So he has three sons and they're all
in college. So basically the question is when we do
(25:23):
me like, what does that look like? What's the goal?
God last, godspeed? M M. Well, finally we've acquired an
aged taste. I'm proud of you. However, I hate the
fact that he has three sons. If I've taught you nothing,
(25:45):
it's please, please, please go out there and find someone
that has no children, or at least only one or two.
Three is too much, especially sons. Now, I'm a little
confused to be his stepmother needs to know if you
have met or not. I say, if you haven't met
him and the relationship, now and find a bigger cohna
(26:08):
with less family. However, if you must meet, the goal is,
of course to get him to marry you and sign
everything over to you and cut out his little college
bound kids. I think that you must be delicate, though,
because you don't want to be too eager, So make
sure that your operation is kept under wraps. Don't let
(26:30):
anyone know what you're actually there for, which, of course
is not something as foolish as love, but as smart
as unlimited credit and access to a black card. I
like this guy. We've been sort of saying each other
more soares having sex right now and then, but also
talking and the kind of like connected in the same
(26:50):
front group. And I'm just curious what your advice would
be as to how do you get into be more
OBSESSI me because he's not as absessions I expected him
to be at this point, and um, yeah, I just
want to know what you think. Well, I think he
is a goddamn idiot that you don't need to spend
(27:11):
one more second of your precious little time thinking about.
If he is not absolutely obsessed with you, licking your
crack from click to asshole, then honey, he is not
worth your fucking time. He should be wanting to know
where you are, when you are, what you are two
four seven, And if he's not, then he sounds like
a capital L lame loser. Now, I think that if
(27:36):
you want him to be obsessed with you do the
classic thing and emotionally shut down and ignore him. There's
nothing that drives people more crazy that when they're not
getting the attention and adoration they too think they deserve,
so stop giving a funk about him and he'll start
giving a shit about you. However, he does sound rather tragic, dear,
and I know you can do better, so stop thinking that.
(27:59):
Way you need to be doing is focusing on why
he's obsessed with you, and start obsessing over yourself. Well, wow,
thank you so much for joining me on the husband
hunt with me, your stepmother. It has been incredibly educational,
I hope, and you've learned a lot. While you've learned
(28:22):
how to seek, you're getting rid of that sticky, icky
old life into brighter, better, more bentiful pastures. You've learned
how to spot them when you're now in better environments
to see real richie riches. You have then figured out
how to pursue them when you go after your sought
(28:43):
after prey. You've learned how to capture them, that's right,
how you're going to keep them, make sure they never
want to leave you. And of course you've now learned
how to secure them. You've learned how to get what
you want, how to get them to posts, and how
to be that gorgeous, stunning bride. I know you will
be or g room now. Did you know at monkey
(29:09):
Bar you were going to run into one of the
world's biggest plastic surgeons wearing that stunning vintage patcheck Philip. No,
but did you see him at the bar and get
his card? Yes? Did you then just so happen to
show up at a clinic because you accidentally needed an
emergency rhinoplasts? And oh he's your doctor? Why yes you did?
(29:34):
Did you manage to have a lot of things in common?
And now all of a sudden he's taking you to
meet his children and his friends on a gorgeous trip
all the way down to St. Thomas. Why yes you did?
Is he now going to propose to you after only
knowing you for three months? And are you now going
to inherit his say, sixty million dollars at massive five
(29:59):
plus property real estate portfolio as well as his collection
of McLaren's. Why yes you are? And when did you
do this? All but in a span of a few
short months? And that, my dear, is how you hunt.
Now I'll need you to drive me to Dr Diamond
(30:22):
when my college and threads snapped while I was blowing daddy,
and I can't have him see me with a prolapsed face.
And when you return, please change my sheets. The cleaning
lady won't be back until tomorrow, and I can't have
your father spunk drying on them if it sits for
one more moment. Why the ten thread Countergyptian carton is
simply going to turn into a chip. Oh, and I
(30:45):
forgot to say happy hunting.
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