Club Shay Shay - Dr. Cheyenne Bryant Part 1 - Club Shay Shay

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
One of the biggest things that kind of breaks my
heart with you is you've accomplished so much in everything
you've touched. Transactionally, it has turned to gold all the
way down to the gold jacket. But like the fig tree,
you still haven't found yourself. And finding yourself takes the heart.

Speaker 2 (00:19):
The mind replaces what the heart can't delete.

Speaker 3 (00:21):
Hello, It's time for the grown man in you to
grow up.

Speaker 2 (00:26):
All my life grinding all my life? Sacrifice hustle Peatic Price,
wanta Slice? Got the diys to swap all my life?
I grinding all my life, All my life, grinding all.

Speaker 3 (00:38):
My life sacrifice, Hustle, Platic Price, want to Slice? Got
the brother dis to.

Speaker 4 (00:44):
Swap all my life?

Speaker 2 (00:45):
I be grinding all my life.

Speaker 4 (00:49):
Hello, Welcome to another episode of Club Sha Shay. I
am your host, Shannon Sharp. I'm also the propriud of
Club Shapeshey stopping about the conversation on the drink Today
is a revered voice in popular media and academics oracles.
She's dedicated it to two decades to transforming live. A
renowned life coach, a spiritual mentor psychology expert, a community activist,
a motivational speaker, a culture change maker, influential brand ambassador,

(01:11):
a producer, an author, and a host. Here she is,
Ladies and gentlemen, doctor Seyanne Bryant.

Speaker 3 (01:15):
No, that was good.

Speaker 2 (01:19):
I did we do you justice?

Speaker 4 (01:20):
Good?

Speaker 2 (01:21):
I thank you well, thank you so much. Appreciate you
for stopping Boy Club. Sha. It's an honor. It's an
honor to have you here.

Speaker 3 (01:26):
Yeah, it's an honor to be here. You know.

Speaker 1 (01:28):
I watch your show obviously, thank you. I think you
are a genius of what I just told you off
camera right at how you you know, pose your questions.

Speaker 3 (01:37):
It ain't messy, but it's creative, thank you. It's work
play and I like you.

Speaker 1 (01:41):
So I'm excited to be here and be able to
provide my expertise.

Speaker 3 (01:44):
To your viewers.

Speaker 2 (01:45):
But you're good today, you good face.

Speaker 3 (01:47):
I am so good.

Speaker 1 (01:49):
My book launch today, literally today that we're filming at least.

Speaker 3 (01:52):
Yes, my book Mental Detais launch today. I got a
double book deal.

Speaker 1 (01:55):
Shout out to fifty cent Curtis Jackson for taking the
lead on that with Random How, which is the biggest
publishing company in the world. Wow, if they believed in
me and he took the lead and they said, well
we believe in her too.

Speaker 3 (02:05):
We love her. And so here I am with two
book deals.

Speaker 1 (02:08):
My first book launches today and then my second book,
March Is in twenty twenty six launches.

Speaker 3 (02:13):
So I'm excited. I'm a happy camper.

Speaker 4 (02:15):
You'd like to to the great congratulations two book deal
Mental Detox just launched and another book coming in twenty
twenty six.

Speaker 2 (02:22):
Congratulations with all your success.

Speaker 3 (02:24):
Thank you, thank you. And I'm not a drinker. But
this is so.

Speaker 2 (02:33):
I talked about. It's about to get good in here.
It's about to get good.

Speaker 3 (02:38):
My chance ain't even burn good.

Speaker 1 (02:41):
No, you know dark brings you sure you want this
interview off of this dog don't ma, don't make you
go crazy?

Speaker 3 (02:48):
Okay, let me say we were gonna be tamed.

Speaker 2 (02:51):
Were gonna be tamed. We're gonna be tamed. The first
the first.

Speaker 3 (02:53):
Album, No you Ain't gonna tell me what to do?

Speaker 4 (02:55):
Okay, okay by Bad Boy Bad Let's go back. Let's
start where it began. You're a native Los Angeles I
am As a kid? What was what was doctor? What
were you like as a child?

Speaker 3 (03:09):
It was like, Yeah, I was always feisty and strong,
always an overthinker, a processor.

Speaker 1 (03:20):
I was naturally an analyst. I've always been the leader
amongst my friend group who are also leaders. You know,
I don't have followers in my group. Everybody's leads.

Speaker 3 (03:29):
Everybody everyone leads.

Speaker 1 (03:30):
I love that we're all strong and we all are
so solid and vertical within ourselves that we don't need followers.
We slid with the leadership. I was a product of
teenage parents. My parents were sixteen when they have me.
They were high school sweethearts, and they planned me, and
so I was the product of yeah, of a of
a oopsie. They said, hey, walking home from school one day.

(03:51):
A true story. My father brides about it all the time.
He says, baby, you were made from love. And he says,
they were walking home and they planned me, and they
can only afford a motel, and they went and paid
for a motel, and they conceived me.

Speaker 3 (04:03):
Yeah, I was born conceived in a motel, y'all in
a motel. And then you know, and then here I go.

Speaker 1 (04:07):
And so my grandparents stepped in and raised me because
my parents are obviously teenage parents that didn't understand that,
you know, you have to raise a child after the
first child.

Speaker 4 (04:15):
Cause they were they were they were basically kids themselves
trying to raise a kid. Nobody had there's really no
guide to how to you know, be a parent. I
mean everybody think they had to figure it out. But
at sixteen, yeah, we're kids trying to figure out our life.
And now we brought another life into the mix.

Speaker 3 (04:31):
There you go.

Speaker 2 (04:32):
And so I mean.

Speaker 4 (04:33):
It's like you're growing up beside like your parents are
like twenty, you're four or five year old and you're like,
is that your sister?

Speaker 2 (04:40):
That's your brother?

Speaker 3 (04:40):
So we grew up together. I grew up together. And
what was that like? It was actually no, it was amazing.

Speaker 1 (04:46):
My father he ended up being one of the biggest
gangster and dope dealers in the South Bay area and
you know, moving way to the East coast Ohio, being
one of from Youngstown. And I could tell it now
because it's no longer going on, but he transitioned from
being one of the biggest dope dealers into being one
of the biggest entrepreneurs and a long sherman here in

(05:08):
Los Angeles, which is working for the port for twenty years.
And I got to see him go from from the
hood to the hills. Wow, And it was really beautiful
seeing that I mean Shannon. We would come home days
when he was in his gangs to era and I
couldn't have a key to the house. I couldn't be
there alone, and he would have to go in the
house with a pistol first and check everything to make
sure we can go in. I had the password to

(05:30):
the safe that was in the garage and so that
if anybody came in, give him everything, you know, don't
let them hold you hostage or doing that. So I
grew up a product of a street guide, a strip
gangster who didn't play about me, who if I made
a phone call, he was going to air it out.

Speaker 3 (05:42):
And that was a luxury for me.

Speaker 1 (05:45):
And so I was on Sway's radio one time and
he said, you know, Doc, you talk about your upbringing
and your father and being the little girl from the
inner city as though it was like an honor. You
don't talk about it in a way that's like, you know,
I came from the hood and it was all this adversity.
It was adversity. But I'm a proud little girl from
the hood. And I'm a proud product of a father
who was a street daddy. I'm a proud product of

(06:07):
a mother who you know, also was in the streets
with them. And if it wasn't for me being a
product of them, I wouldn't know how to create the
piece and the tools that I have now to provide
to my clients, to your viewers, to everyone else who
follows me, because I wouldn't have had to bear crawl
to understand how to get out this thing called the
inner city. And I always say it wasn't me knowing

(06:28):
where I was going, It was me knowing that I
had to get the hell out of there right And
oftentimes I think of all ages people get stuck in, Well,
I don't know where I'm going, what's my purpose?

Speaker 3 (06:37):
All you really need to know, Shannon, is that.

Speaker 2 (06:38):
I don't want to be here.

Speaker 1 (06:40):
I don't want to be here. And that day that
I realized that I put my track shoes on. Even
though people see heels every day now and my track
shoes is still on, I'm never taking them off. And
I ran as far as I could. I ran into
six degrees, three doctorates, a master's degree, a house at
nineteen my first home, a daycare at nineteen, three retail
stores on Meryll's. Was a professional student, but I was

(07:00):
a professional study for a long time and entrepreneur. But
I really want people to know, and I know we're
early on the interview, but I want people to know
who are watching that you do not have to know
where you are going. You just have to know you
want to get the hell up out of whatever you're in,
whether it's a relationship, a circumstances and environment.

Speaker 3 (07:17):
Just go.

Speaker 1 (07:18):
And when you start to trust God, he does something
really special, which is ordering your steps.

Speaker 3 (07:22):
And as he orders your steps, and you stay vertical.

Speaker 1 (07:24):
On who you are and you lean on him and
all your understanding, you nest in that word and you
call him out on his principles that are in the
Bible that he promises you. I'm telling you God shows
up and he shows out, and he does give you
back the time that the locus and the caken worms
took from you.

Speaker 3 (07:37):
He really does give that back to you.

Speaker 1 (07:39):
So I want folks watching this to know that, Listen,
I was just a little girl in the hood, and
I promise you there was nothing around me, and I
have to put the people down around me. There was
nothing in my environment that I looked at and said
I want to be. There was everything in my environment
that said hell no, hell no, and help no.

Speaker 3 (07:53):
And those hell knows got me to all my yesess.

Speaker 1 (07:55):
So I just want people to know that early on,
because people look at me or use and they're like,
you know, they're way over there. I'm not way over
there for people. I'm still touchable. I'm still that little
girl in the hood. I just happen to grow up
and make different decisions now, but I'm still her and
I never ever will not claim her. I never will
not allow her to show up in a conversation and

(08:17):
not allow her to be in her abandonment sometimes, and
I will always make sure she knows.

Speaker 3 (08:21):
You can feel that way as a little girl the
woman in me, I have your back, and I'll knock
everything off the table for you every time. That's what
self love is.

Speaker 1 (08:29):
And I want people, men and women to know that,
especially within our community, because it's important that they see
our wounds, not just the heal doctor Bryant, because that's
not where it started.

Speaker 4 (08:39):
So you made a conscious decision that I'm not going
to be a product of my environment, and I'm not
going to be my circumstances in which I'm currently in.
You made that decision at a very very young age
that you know what, Yes, this is my environment. I
don't really see anybody that I'll smile to be like,
So let me get the hell out of here and
find some people that I do aspire to be.

Speaker 2 (08:58):
There.

Speaker 1 (08:58):
You go, And I'm the oldest of sat oh so,
and I'm the first grandchild. So there was nobody ahead
of me, Shannon to say this is the blueprint. It
was just folks around me to show me what not
to do. And I say this about a lot of
folks who are are PC's pastor kids, right, or they
got parents who've been married thirty forty years, right, and
the marriage is rocking and rolling. Oftentimes those kids are

(09:20):
robbed of seeing all of the fake perfection and not
seeing what not to do. So they usually come out
that household and they're extremely rebellious and they end up
doing the total opposite of what their parents did. And
I say this, you know, because I love Cam, me
and Kim. We are great friends. Cam has thanked me
for a lot of the impact positive impact I've had
on here doation, Cam Newton, Cam Newton, Cam Newton cleared

(09:44):
it up, Cam Newton. But I say, and I want
to say, Cam is a perfect example of what I
just describe.

Speaker 3 (09:50):
He is a pastor's child. His parents are still married.

Speaker 1 (09:52):
He comes from good stock, and we're not saying that
Cam in good stock, but his decisions are not good stock.

Speaker 3 (09:58):
So just want to show people the examp of what
I'm referring to.

Speaker 1 (10:01):
Then you get a little girl like me from the
inner city and parents are teenage parents. We got a
lot of trauma and different drug dealing and drug addiction
and things going.

Speaker 3 (10:09):
On, and trauma in the house.

Speaker 1 (10:10):
And I was had the luxury of seeing what not
to do, and I just knew if I did the opposite,
it had to be better than that.

Speaker 3 (10:17):
And it ended up being way better than that.

Speaker 4 (10:19):
Now it makes sense to me why your dad was
so and that you're the oldest. You're the older, huge girl,
You're the older Hugh was daddy's girl.

Speaker 3 (10:25):
Daddy's girl.

Speaker 4 (10:26):
Yeah, it makes perfect sense now because you adore I'm
just listening to you talking in the first ten minutes.

Speaker 2 (10:32):
Your dad is your world. He you adore it.

Speaker 4 (10:34):
I adore him, and and and we're gonna get into
this because it I mean, it's I mean, all these
advanced degrees that you have.

Speaker 2 (10:42):
Were you a good were you you were good in school.

Speaker 3 (10:45):
I was good in school, but I was I was
very very you got me.

Speaker 2 (10:52):
There you go.

Speaker 3 (10:53):
You was very good in school, but I was just like, Wow,
you're not gonna talk to me anyway. You're not gonna
disrespect me. And one my parents did.

Speaker 1 (11:00):
And I say my parents are my mother and father,
Kim and Darren, and my grandparents Marian Bailey, because all
four of them was the village that raised me.

Speaker 3 (11:07):
One thing, not one.

Speaker 1 (11:08):
Of the many things they did amazing, was they raised
a little girl with a lot of self love and
a hell of a backbone. I'm very vertical and so
I stand very strong on respecting on boundaries. That wasn't
something I was lacking. But when those boundaries were crossed,
when it came to you know, k through tel academia
was amazing. But I was one that I got kicked
out of La Unified School district and I had to

(11:28):
go what'd you do? District permit to Long Beach Unified
School District. I mean, I was just not going to
tolerate no bs and so if that meant that I
had to strong arm or use muscle, whether it be
verbally or physical, then I was going to make sure
that they understood that this is a tree you don't
bark up and.

Speaker 4 (11:44):
Look at like this, because normally when we came up,
women like that had this complation like this, and what
we did.

Speaker 2 (11:49):
I was like, I'm not I'm not going to entertain this.

Speaker 3 (11:53):
Listen.

Speaker 1 (11:56):
I think I brought the entertainment and product shit that
camera us and I edited just the way I wanted
to be edited. Yes, but also you have to remember
that I was a little girl who had the privileged
privilege of being able to make one phone call.

Speaker 3 (12:12):
You.

Speaker 1 (12:13):
So but I I had that muscle too, and I
got to give my father and my family props because
we were the family that would you know, they would
pull up and they would be very very protective over me.
My father has done many things that has protected me.
He's ran into clubs, He's done a lot of things
on behalf of me. Alongside my grandmother, my mother. There

(12:33):
we are, they're a very protective family. Wells my father
passed away two years that's okay, So so being that
I might because to your point, he used to be like,
ain't nobody coming around? And he used to say and
he gave me a ring when I was a teenager.

(12:55):
Funny you said that, and it was his. It was
like his pinky ring, which is a big ring with
a lot of diamonds, and say to put this on
your finger.

Speaker 3 (13:00):
Into a man gives your ring, I'll take it off. Well,
I've had two rings. But he also wasn't too fond
of me being married, because would say, baby, you know,
successful woman don't have to get married like daddy know.

Speaker 1 (13:11):
I want to be a mother and a wife, right,
So it's gonna happen on my watch.

Speaker 3 (13:16):
You'll watch everybody watch.

Speaker 4 (13:18):
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Speaker 2 (14:29):
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Speaker 4 (14:32):
You mentioned that you teenage parents and your father sold drugs,
and I think your mom became addicted to drugs.

Speaker 1 (14:38):
My mom was addicted to the drug that my father
sold at the same time.

Speaker 2 (14:42):
How did that work?

Speaker 3 (14:44):
How did it work? You mean for them or for me?
The little drug?

Speaker 4 (14:47):
Something like, if I'm selling and now the person that
I care about that I can see the child with
I'm gonna do everything I can not to let her
get a hold of it. And I definitely don't want
to see my baby see this, see or Mammy in
this condition. And knowing I'm the supply, I'm part of
the reason why.

Speaker 3 (15:03):
Well, I love that you said that. You're so on point.

Speaker 1 (15:06):
He went and put out a flute on the street
and said, if anyone sells to her.

Speaker 3 (15:11):
Then got to deal with me.

Speaker 1 (15:14):
And after he's seen that, he couldn't control or take
everybody out right. At some point, from what he told me,
he had to put his hands up and he had
to just let you know, life take its form. And
the beautiful thing is that at some point before he
passed away, thank god, my mother ended up being she

(15:35):
got some health conditions that handicapped her well. She couldn't
pick her arms up and she couldn't even move her walk,
and it was in her addiction. And I remember her
calling me saying, baby, I can't lift my hands, and
I'm like, huh. And so we spent years of having
her go to different specialists and seeing what they can
do and follow me. My good friend doctor A Romo
arsenal arsenal Romo, he said she needs surgery or this

(15:57):
is she has a degenerated dis disease, ever going to
get better? So anyway, she had surgery. And when I
tell you that, God, God keeps his promises and he
does hear your prayers. And the funny thing is, Shannon,
all my life I prayed for her to be off drugs,
to be off drugs, to be off drugs. When I
finally told God, you know what, I no longer can
pray that because it's starting to consume me.

Speaker 3 (16:18):
I'm gonna let you have her now.

Speaker 1 (16:19):
I'm gonna pay bills and I'm a feeder, so I'm
always take care of my mother.

Speaker 3 (16:23):
But as far as her trajectory of her life, I
got a hands off. Hands off.

Speaker 1 (16:28):
That's when her health condition came upon her and he
broke her down to where she couldn't even move. And
after her surgery, she came home and it was just
her and I and she had a bag that she
had used the bathroom inn she.

Speaker 3 (16:40):
Couldn't get up. I mean nothing.

Speaker 1 (16:41):
Was a eight hour surgery and they removed all of
her discs and it was just so intense. She ain't
touched a drug every since then. She is now the
vice president of my company. She has her own health
care company where she helps people who are disabled like herself.
That is her company, her business that she started. She
cooks and cleans and runs my entire household. I bought

(17:02):
the house. She makes it a home. And so when
I tell you again that God would give you back
the time that the locus and the cake and worms took,
I am not playing. But the key to him doing
that is your obedience to him. And you know, the
Bible says it's better to be obedient than sacrificed. And
I was obedient to his word, and I never wavered
in well doing, even with the adversity that was going

(17:24):
on with my mom being on that when I turned
him her over to him, God showed me the power
of surrender. And from that day my mom has been sober.
She has been the best mother that me and my
brother can ever ask for. She does everything she's never
done as a child, and to this day it is I.

Speaker 3 (17:42):
Still look at her sometimes the crossroom like.

Speaker 1 (17:44):
She is really like a way sober and a mom
and it's natural and she's doing this and we're here,
and you know.

Speaker 3 (17:55):
That's something that when someone was an addiction for twenty
twenty five years having to break you don't break it.

Speaker 1 (18:01):
They usually die at the hands of that substance. So
just always wanting to give God that glory. But again,
I want people to know that God's promises are always
sitting right there, available for you. And I'm telling you
what breaks that promise open is our obedience and our
trust and our faith in Him. That's all we need.
He don't ask for much, and faith isn't something that

(18:22):
we know. Faith is an action word. Belief is an
action word. It is keeping your commitment to God, doing
what you said you would do, even when you don't
feel like it. Also saying God, and this is my
affirmation to this day. I said, God, I don't know
what's going on, but I know that i't to trust you.
As long as I can trust you, I can nest
in you. Then I know that I'm good. And so
I show up to whatever gps.

Speaker 3 (18:42):
God gives me. And I say, but I showed up.

Speaker 1 (18:44):
And when I tell you, he always does everything in
the perfect position and in the perfect in the perfect alignment,
when you just show up.

Speaker 3 (18:52):
See, people think they got to know everything.

Speaker 1 (18:54):
If I know everything, or if I don't know everything
I should say, then I can't show up.

Speaker 3 (18:58):
I don't know how to do it. But what does
God say that I am?

Speaker 4 (19:00):
But if you know everything that's not faith known, you're
going to take this leap and know that everything's gonna
be okay.

Speaker 3 (19:07):
And faith is.

Speaker 1 (19:08):
A spirit thing, it's not an ego thing. Faith is
I know, like I know, like I know, it's not
I think. And it's also you saying that I understand
that if God is closer than my breath, then he
can't be outside of me. So that's why he says
I never leave you or for sake you, because he can't.
And I want to wrap on this. He also says,
if you make your bed in hell, there I am.

(19:31):
That means that God allows you to have your free
will because he loves you. But if your free will
happens to be in hell, he's not gonna stop you.
But here being there with you, which means all you
gotta do is it's happened because he's there, ask and
then here shift you.

Speaker 3 (19:44):
But how many of us are not willing to shift.

Speaker 1 (19:47):
Because we get so stuck in the dysfunction that we
know the dysfunctional relationships The dfunctional part of ourself that
we know that the shift becomes so scary that the
better is something that is uncertain, So we don't go
to the better. We stay with what we know. And
God says, well, I'll stay with you. But the Bible says,
what reports will you believe? Will you believe the reports
of your dysfunction, your trauma? You're not good enough, you're

(20:08):
not qualified that you are the things you've been through,
you are the things that you see in your environment.
Or will you believe the reports that I told you
that I'm the big dog, I'm the alphabel omega, I'm
omnipresent that I know the plans I have for you
when I formed you in the belly, and then plans
were to prosper you, give you a good life, not
to harm you. So whenever you are in harm, you're
not in what my plans. So how do you know

(20:29):
when you're not in God's alignment? Is when it's you
in harm, when it's not prosperous, Because he also says,
think only on these thoughts that are prosperous, positive, and praiseworthy.

Speaker 3 (20:38):
The reason why he tells you that is because as
a man thinking, Come on, baby, so He's telling you
what to think.

Speaker 1 (20:44):
So when you think on those thoughts, hold on. So
are you so the man that says he is and
the man that says he is not?

Speaker 3 (20:51):
Or what both? Right? So?

Speaker 1 (20:54):
God said, what reports will you believe? And I love
you so much I'll let you believe them. And even
if you believe yourself in Hell, I'm gonna ride with
you in there. There ain't listen, there ain't a human
back or ride like that. And this is why I
tell people I'm not here to be liked. I got
a purpose, and my obedience is to God, not to y'all.
Because as long as I'm obedient to God, were riding

(21:16):
in his will. But the moment that I fall, pray
to dogma or being obedient to your thoughts or.

Speaker 3 (21:21):
What you think or what you need. Now I'm in
your will.

Speaker 1 (21:25):
And the only thing that had Peter, who was walking
on water to Jesus depart and fall was because he
took his eyes off the wheel and really quick.

Speaker 3 (21:35):
I gotta say this, because Peter called Jesus out. How
many of us call God out. I'm asking for this.

Speaker 1 (21:41):
If it's really you, God, show up, Peter said, Jesus.
If it's you and you real call on me to
walk on this water. Jesus said, I'm that dude.

Speaker 3 (21:50):
What's up? Peter got all his office boat walked on water,
and Jesus said, all you got to do is keep
your eyes on me, because I'm the one you called.
I'm the one that's blessing you.

Speaker 2 (22:03):
You look down.

Speaker 3 (22:03):
He looked down, But you know why he looked down,
because a storm came a storm. How many of us
have been in storms that have us lose our faith,
lose our walk, lose our goal, lose our focus most
of the time.

Speaker 4 (22:17):
You know why, because most of the time, that's the
only time we really call on God is when we're
in trouble. But when we're prosperous, we're sending to the top.
We don't need it. We need it. When ah damn,
I lost my job, I lost desk, I didn't get
this promotion, things happened in my life.

Speaker 2 (22:33):
I'll call on him now.

Speaker 4 (22:34):
But when things was going good, you thought it was
all you. You didn't know he was right there with
you the whole while. He'd been riding he well, you
was riding shotgun. He was driving, But you didn't realize that.

Speaker 1 (22:44):
And when you called on him like Peter called on
Jesus when the storm came again. Why did you take
your eyes off of who already saved you from the
last storm and the last storm in the last storm.
This is why I say the only person I have
to focus on is my God. The only person I'm
obedient to is my God. It don't matter who don't
like me. No one has to like me. I'm vertical

(23:07):
in the God that's in me. Nothing else has to
make sense for me because I'm not here for it
to make sense.

Speaker 3 (23:14):
I'm here to do what trust him in all my
ways and acknowledge him.

Speaker 4 (23:17):
First, congratulations on your mom being sober. So let me
ask you this, sir. Now y'all know your favorite up,
but I'm also a last minute shopper. I'm talking about
a guy that's spraying through them all on Christmas Eve
like it's the fourth quarter. We're down by six and
we gotta have it. Shelves, empty, ideas, gone, stressed through
the roof. But this year I've learned my lesson. I
found the last minute life saver or frames every year,

(23:39):
that one person that I struggle to shop for for me,
it's my brother. He's got everything, and if he doesn't
already own it, he'll just go by it before I
can get it rapt shipped to it. But this year
he's getting or a framed because it feels personal, it
feels thoughtful, and it ain't something he can beat me too.
Here's where I is clutched. First off, all I gotta
do is download the Oor app, connect the frame to

(24:00):
Wi Fi and boom. I can upload unlimited photos and videos.
And the best part, I can preload everything before it
even ships. So when my brother opens that box, he's
already got a whole highlight reel of family memories waiting
on him.

Speaker 2 (24:13):
And let me tell you or it doesn't skim.

Speaker 4 (24:15):
It comes in a premium gift box, no price tag,
and it looks like it's planned out weeks ago. You
can't wrap togetherness, but you can frame it for a
limited time. Save on the perfect gift by visiting or
frames dot com to get thirty five dollars off or
best selling carbon Matt Frames name number one by Wycutter
by using promo code Shay Shape at checkout That's or

(24:36):
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Support the show by mentioning Club Shaysha at checkout terms
and conditions.

Speaker 2 (24:50):
Wow, you say you're the oldest of seven. Correct? Your
dad has six kids with five different women.

Speaker 3 (24:55):
Oh, you don't did your homework baby?

Speaker 4 (24:57):
With that being said, and we know how you view
your dad when you found out that you had other siblings.

Speaker 2 (25:05):
How did that make you feel?

Speaker 3 (25:07):
And I love that.

Speaker 1 (25:07):
So when my father went to have my first little sister, okay, Ginger,
I said, And I was only ten, and I said, Dad,
why would you have another child?

Speaker 3 (25:20):
And I said, it better not be a girl. Oh
oh yeah, And he said, well, baby, it's a girl.

Speaker 2 (25:28):
It's a girl.

Speaker 1 (25:29):
And things happen right because I'm ten. And I said, well,
I don't like her. I'm not happy.

Speaker 2 (25:34):
You ain't even matter yet, and I won't.

Speaker 3 (25:36):
Be her sister.

Speaker 1 (25:37):
At ten years old, my little sister Ginger came out
to love and worship the ground I walk on. And
it took me and this is something that I just
have to be transparent. It took me until I was
early twenties to have a sit down with my sister Ginger,
who is my baby now and say I'm sorry I

(25:58):
didn't accept you.

Speaker 3 (25:59):
It had none to do with you, but I love
you. You're my sister. I rock with you. You minds and so
from my father it was an issue. But what saved
him and me was he kept having kids.

Speaker 1 (26:11):
So what I realized was, you know, anyone can replace
the baby. You just got to have another baby. But
guess what person can never be replaced. You can never
have another first born.

Speaker 2 (26:24):
Nope.

Speaker 1 (26:25):
Ever, So when God told me, listen, I pulled you
in the firstborn order, So you really got to worry
about being replaced. Whoever's next got to worry about being replaced.
I said, you know what, I'm good with that. And
my father and I not that he doesn't love all
of his kids. They know he does, but they also
know I grew up with him. I grew up in
his gainst the era. I grew up in this dope

(26:47):
dealing era. I watched him transition from you know, being
bull head in the streets to being Darren, the family
working man. And he always tells me no one else
got that opportunity. You know, I wouldness him, you know,
and shocked. I witnessed him just so much and it's
like I had the opportunity to see in the transition
that they didn't get and not that you know, they

(27:08):
were robbed because it was tough times. It actually probably
had a luxury of not seeing it. But it gave
me a different unph in me that we all have.
But that makes me the most like my father. And yeah,
we have a special bond. We really adore each other
and he dotes on me. He would tell me, you
the Kobe Bryant, You're the Michael Jordan of the women.
And you know, to all the fathers out there, that

(27:30):
is so important. Yes, you have daughters. You know, a
woman is where her daddy makes her straight uppecially when
it comes to men, and she can easily be manipulated
if you're a man who doesn't input the things in
her that allow her to see red flags. My father
would have real want on one conversations with me. He

(27:50):
talked to me like his baby. But he also would say,
you know, do X, Y and Z and it would
be a name, And I like that because he talked
to me straight up. And he would explain to me that,
you know, men use money to run power like this,
or men may say these things that mean this. And
so I had this open relationship where I was I
had the playbook, and I can come to him and say, Dad,

(28:12):
you know this is what's happening in my relationship. What
does this mean? Even if it was sexual? Now it
was sexual. He loved jack and coke. He said, baby,
let me get my jack and my coke.

Speaker 3 (28:21):
Before we have that conversation. But he was very open
to those conversations.

Speaker 1 (28:25):
But I want men to know that that a woman
is what her daddy makes her, and so it is
your responsibility to build that woman up so that when
she's out there, she has a realistic expectation of a man,
not a fairy tale ideology. Because I ended up to
you what you said earlier about you know, you're never
going to have a man. I ended up with a
fairy tale ideology that I had to work through and
process an unpack because I expected men to be this

(28:49):
fairy tale that my father was. He was this night
shining armor. You call him, he's there. He bought me
my first car. We're in Vegas and you know he
was a drug guy.

Speaker 3 (28:57):
So we're in Vegas and I'm sixteen.

Speaker 1 (28:58):
He's given me thousand thousd to gamble, to spend, and
that was reality for that type of guy. But my
dad also told me if a man looks like me,
smells like me, or acts like me, run right, do
not bring him home, and do not date him. So
he never glamorized being a womanizer. He never glamorized having
six by five women. He told me, this is what
Daddy did. But I don't want this for you. And

(29:19):
there's too many men who do those things. And because
they are too ego centric, right versus caring about their daughters,
that they would glamorize their behavior so their daughters won't
look at them in a certain way. But you are
tearing her up because now she thinks that the right
chosen person looks and acts like you, So when she
brings you home, that's show problem. But my father told

(29:42):
me from the beginning it's a hard note. And when
I did attempt today, because I really never dated street guys,
probably because he raised me like that, I dated more
like athletes when I was a college athlete or some
of that sort, or just a really good story.

Speaker 2 (29:53):
Dextor, I'm just go ahead, I'm living.

Speaker 1 (29:58):
I'm just yeah, I told y'all I'm massy, buddy crafty.

Speaker 3 (30:02):
I don't joe dad.

Speaker 1 (30:04):
But when I when I first tried to date my
first little street guy, my dad didn't even He said,
let me see a picture. He said, what do you do?
I said, he does real estate? He said, just like
he said that, don't do real estate.

Speaker 3 (30:15):
I said, he don't, he don't, he don't. And my
dad called me every day.

Speaker 1 (30:20):
I'm not lying for seven days to tell me to
get rid of that man, because one of them gonna
end up dead or in jail.

Speaker 3 (30:24):
So guess what you got rid of him? The right
thing to do?

Speaker 4 (30:28):
Yeah, you said, your dad said that if he ever
got married, the wife would become before the kids.

Speaker 3 (30:36):
Is the He said the opposite, The kids come first.
And I disagreed with him.

Speaker 2 (30:39):
Oh yeah, absolutely, I disagree.

Speaker 1 (30:41):
He had literally almost a two hour debate. Me and
my father would debate a lot. We have almost identical personalities,
and he would never tuk us tell to anybody. I'm
like the only person he talk and say, Baby, listen,
if we got to agree to disagree, then that's fine.
Or Daddy's not trying to say nothing that's going to
upset you.

Speaker 2 (30:56):
Baby.

Speaker 1 (30:56):
We're saying the same thing, we say, because he's just
trying to be daddy.

Speaker 3 (31:00):
Hurt me, but anybody else it would have been, you know,
just it, so move on, move on.

Speaker 4 (31:05):
War.

Speaker 1 (31:05):
But we had a long conversation, he told me, because
I had a fiance at the time who actually had
two beautiful girls, and he was putting me before his daughters,
and that's the right hierarchy, yes, And my father said
he can do that in your household, but the woman
in my house would never come ever before my kids.
And I said, Daddy, I don't agree, and i'm your daughter.
I don't agree in that hierarchy. He said, you don't

(31:27):
have to agree with what I do in my household,
but when y'all come here, a woman would never come
before my girls ever. And so you know, but again,
that's also a man who has six kids by five
different women. And I love my father, as y'all can see,
but I'm also a realist. A man who can pro
create with multiple women and not make a family with

(31:50):
none of them or only one of them, that says
a lot about his lack of respect for women in general.

Speaker 3 (31:56):
So I would have never expected my.

Speaker 1 (31:57):
Father to say that he respects a woman who he's
romantic with so much that she would come before his
kids because obviously the respect level for a woman was
limited from the jump in order for you to be
able to do things in that nature.

Speaker 3 (32:10):
And that's for any man include.

Speaker 4 (32:11):
Mind, you think that's what you think about a respect thing?
A man that he lacks respect for women. If he
lays down and have kids with multiple women, he doesn't
respect them, if that whits.

Speaker 1 (32:22):
Yes, And in addition to that, he doesn't respect himself.
And I also think that he lacks self love. Any
man who will lay with the woman unprotected. Right, let's
not just talk about obviously procreating that can happen. We're
talking about health wise diseases that can happen.

Speaker 2 (32:36):
He lacks what if you protected himself?

Speaker 1 (32:38):
It to be better if he protect if. Now this
is my thing, I do agree. I think that it's
not about what we do, it's how we do it. Okay,
So if a man wants to be a man who
was very honest and transparent about Look, I'm just trying
to be intimate. I'm in my intimacy. I'm just trying
to have sex and have a good time. But we're
gonna do what say we're gonna get tested and use protection,
and no one's getting pregnant. And I'm telling you out

(32:59):
in the front, there is nothing wrong with a transparent
man who women are signing up to, or a transparent
woman that men are.

Speaker 3 (33:06):
Going to sign up to be in alignment with. Okay,
nothing at all. I'm talking about a man who is
sleeping with the woman and the woman who's sleeping with
the man, and both are unprotected.

Speaker 1 (33:15):
It ain't just the man's accountablity, So the woman is
accountable as well. And now you have multiple families and
multiple homes that are broken. We have an issue here
that is a bad decision making crisis in our community.
And it's also people who are living in this very
present world of they're so used to dysfunction and it's
become a pathology within our community that that is the

(33:38):
norm in their baseline of what they do, and so
doing anything outside of that is not just only unknown,
but it's not even a norm that they know how
to create.

Speaker 3 (33:46):
That's the part that makes it sad to me.

Speaker 2 (33:48):
You hold hell your father in such high regard. How
was it? How were you able to shift?

Speaker 4 (33:55):
And says, you know what, I love my dad, But
I don't love him up to have a partner like
my dad.

Speaker 3 (34:02):
Love that. My dad is a hell of a father.

Speaker 1 (34:05):
He is not a good man to his women. My
dad is a womanizer, but he is a hell of
a father. I truly believe that the womanizer in him
and him being able to take his ego out of
it when it comes to his relationship with his kids
and not glamorize his bad behavior is what made him

(34:26):
such an amazing father, because he's able to say, I
know what I do to women, so let me teach
you what it looks like so you don't run.

Speaker 3 (34:34):
Into the same type of Joka. And my father never.

Speaker 1 (34:39):
Put himself on a pedestal about the decisions that he
was making. When I got with my ex fiance, who
had two beautiful girls right by two different women, my
father said, who took great care of me. I was
a kept woman. The man was a great guy. My
father said, let me explain something to you, baby. When
we got engaged, he said, you told me since you
can even speak, that you never want a man who
has multiple kids with multiple women. That you never want
a man who is a man like that is, he said,

(35:01):
what makes that man different because it's two and not five.
And I said, you know what you're onto something you're
onto something, You're right. It doesn't make a difference. He
still is a man who has multiple kids by multiple women.
But even in that, my father didn't say, well, it's
okay because I got multiple kids. You know some guys
like that could be a good men. He said, you

(35:21):
told me, as my daughter, you didn't want that. So,
even as a father who was doing the same thing,
if I have to put myself in a bad light
for you to have what's right, then the so be it.

Speaker 3 (35:34):
That is what parenting is about, Shannon. Parenting is about
I remove myself from this for the betterment of you.
That is what love is not. If I tell you, Shannon,
don't get a woman who's of age like me, who's
a doctor who don't want a man with kids, don't
you know, don't get a woman like me. I don't
want to tell you that, because if I tell you that,
then what it makes me look bad? No, if I
love you, that means I use anything I have to

(35:57):
help you get in a better position and do what's
best for you. That's what parenting is about.

Speaker 4 (36:01):
It's funny that you say that. Why can women have
choices but men can't. Women can say I want I
don't want a man to have kids, I want this,
I want that, I want I want a man that
makes six seven figures.

Speaker 2 (36:11):
I want him to be educated.

Speaker 4 (36:12):
I wanted to be god fear and I wanted to
be able to be world travel But a man can't say, well,
I want a woman that's five fot seven. I want
a woman that has long natural hair. I wanted to
be of this complexion. I wanted to be shaped like this.
Why can't men say what we want but women can say.

Speaker 1 (36:27):
Well, they add one more thing, because I feel like
we're deflecting for one more thing.

Speaker 3 (36:30):
Okay, we want her to be this race, we want
her to be this type. Let's keep it real. Let's
Be're not gonna deflect from nothing. There's men who there's
black men who only date non black women. Okay, we
don't have to say white women. Just say no, I'm black.
Because there is black men.

Speaker 1 (36:44):
Who only date Latina women but not white women. There
are white men who only have a thing for black women.
There's nothing wrong with a preference. I don't think a
man saying I am only attracted to or I have
only been attracted to this type of woman means that
he doesn't love or respect these other kind of women. Now,

(37:05):
on the flip side, a man who says I am
turned off and do not like Black women, so I
date non black women, he has mommy issues.

Speaker 3 (37:16):
He has an identity crisis.

Speaker 1 (37:18):
Because you came from the woman you're saying you dislike,
So now we have a deeper rooted issue. I'm not
saying that a brother who only dates outside a black
woman cannot also have mommy issues, but if that's just
his preference, then that's different than saying I don't date
because my experience was bad. I don't date because I

(37:39):
don't like the way black women show up. I don't
date because I don't like the way black women are strong,
or they talk too much.

Speaker 3 (37:44):
And I'm not saying those things ain't true of us.
But what I'm saying is everyone has the right to
have their preference.

Speaker 1 (37:51):
But I do believe that people need to look deep
down and say, why is that your preference? Take inventory
on that. I know my preference of a man with
no care is because growing up as a little girl,
I had to share my father with six other siblings
and I'm not sharing another man in my life. And
I'm also not going to put my children in a

(38:14):
position to have to share their father with anybody else
at all. And I'm gonna go even deeper when my
father passed away, which I'm happy my dad did it
so perfect right his life insurance when split up amongst
his babies. Now, I love that because I love my babies.
I'm the oldest of seven. Those are all my babies, okay,
And if he would have gave it all to me,

(38:34):
I would have split it with everybody anyway.

Speaker 3 (38:36):
But I'm happy he did it on his own. But
my point in saying that is when a man or
a woman gets with somebody who has other offsprings and kids,
you have to not only think about the relationship presently,
but also in the exit strategy. So my kids do
have to split things.

Speaker 1 (38:55):
My kids are being born into a deficit because guess what,
you won't be able to be every day with my
child if you are going to be a father to
those children. And when Christmas comes, our holidays come, our
school comes, our God forbid, something happens to your other children,
like an emergency. What if our kids have an emergency
at the same time, Who do you choose?

Speaker 3 (39:14):
What happens? Do I show up as a single mother
in that moment because dad has to be here? How
do I explain that to our babies? And why do
I have to?

Speaker 1 (39:22):
And I won't have to if I choose a man
who I know can be present, because being present is
being in my house, in our house, in our children's home,
taking them to school, waking up in the morning, them
seeing you with the good morning our son, being able
to watch how you process your emotions as a man.
Watch how you interact with me as a man. Watch

(39:43):
how you sit with your legs like that. Watch how
when the game is on you sit and watch you
in a certain step. Watch how you yell at the
TV the way you do what you do. I yell
at the TV when I watch football, and I am
a football head because my grandfather and my father were
football men, so we would sit and watch football NonStop,
calling pick six all day. I mean, I am calling
a flag on the place PI, Come on, rap, that's me.

Speaker 3 (40:06):
Other women don't watch it like that, because how do
I learn it? By watching the men in my house?
By being the only girl for so long.

Speaker 2 (40:13):
Kids are very observant.

Speaker 1 (40:14):
So my thing is, and I'll wrap on this, is
it's not that people with kids multiple folks are doomed.

Speaker 3 (40:22):
It's a different way that they have to parent.

Speaker 1 (40:24):
And whether you parent perfectly, not perfectly, but you parent
at your best or not, those kids are still going
to be in a deficit. And I want to say
this part too, because a present parent can also present trauma.
So I don't want to make it seem like because
if you're in the household, you not present trauma, because
it's also sometimes a parent or a couple that decides

(40:50):
not being together will create a more peaceful, healthy environment
for the kids and us is the better decision. So
I'm not condoning or advocating for people to stay together
in traumat out dysfunctional, abusive relationships where they're creating now
not just a broken home, but a broken family, because
there are two different things, right, I'm saying.

Speaker 3 (41:09):
You gotta do what's best.

Speaker 1 (41:11):
But if you make decisions at the very beginning that
are good, then you are able to date better, marry better,
parent better, and you do get kids even if they
choose to detour off. Like the Bible says, who have
the tools to be better. And that's all that I'm
pushing for our community. I'm not pushing that people who
are baby mamas or baby dady is to beat themselves

(41:32):
up and say they're doing that's not what it is.
But what I am saying, damn is now today, make
a better decision, do something different, show your kids that
there's a different way to do it.

Speaker 3 (41:42):
And you know, let's teach.

Speaker 1 (41:44):
Folks to get out there and figure out the sense
of self so our divorce rate isn't so high. And
let's figure out, Shannon, how we can do more than
just make good love and have a drink together, Like,
how can we can't have better conversations together. We don't
have to be romantic to have good intellecture, emotionally intelligent conversations.
We don't have to have gender wars because we don't

(42:04):
agree on a topic.

Speaker 4 (42:05):
You believe men and you believe men and women can
have a friendship.

Speaker 2 (42:10):
Steve Harvey said he ain't got no women friend and
he shouldn't. But you married so a man so like
you and not mad.

Speaker 3 (42:18):
Give me on this conversation.

Speaker 2 (42:19):
Shit I've just said. So you believe men and women
can have a true.

Speaker 4 (42:23):
Platonic a a let's meet here, let's go get a dream,
let's go get about to eat. And it stays that
because a lot of people's like, oh, he's just waiting
for his opportunity. He just waiting for you at a
moment of weakness and something went wrong with in your
other relationship and he got that big shoulder for you
to cry on.

Speaker 2 (42:39):
And next thing, you know, whila.

Speaker 3 (42:42):
I had a best friend of twenty four years.

Speaker 1 (42:44):
He was there through both engagements, he was gonna be
on both weddings, and as soon as that second engagement
was off, he said, have you found someone new?

Speaker 2 (42:54):
I do it, I do it.

Speaker 1 (42:56):
Hold on, Shannon, I said no. We were friends since
we were fourteen. I said, no, I haven't. He said, well,
why don't we try it? I said, I know you
too well. Listen to this, So I could never be
in a relationship with you. He had no kids, he
does well attorney all those things right here, right here, Okay,

(43:21):
So I said, we can probably be homely, lover friends
and be intimate because I've known you for so long,
so I feel very safe with being intimate with you.
And he says, if I can't have you in every
way and marry you, I won't touch your body. So
I said, okay, well let's try this dating thing. We
tried the dating thing exactly what I told him was right.

Speaker 3 (43:39):
Sex was the fire. The relationship. Mm hmm, what was wrong?

Speaker 1 (43:49):
Everything that he did in all his all of his
previous relationships, he started to do in because people are
This is another thing people don't change.

Speaker 3 (44:00):
We shift.

Speaker 1 (44:02):
We learn how to manage the things in us that
we don't like or that we learn don't serve us.
So if line never serve nobody, that person is still
a liar who has to manage the behavior of not lying.
No different than an addic. A person who was addicted
to porn is managing no longer looking at porn management

(44:25):
could look like this. They won't go on the environment
of maybe a strip club. They will not go in
an environment where there's a porn on television. Same thing
for alcoholics, right, They try their best to not go
around it as much as possible. There's a lot of
willpower that that takes a lot of managing. You don't
wake up in the next day or go through six
months or a year of therapy, shann and you are

(44:46):
no longer built the way you are biologically, you no
longer think the way you think. You no longer have
the appetite that you used to have. Do we grow
out of some things naturally, yes? But evolving and growing
out of something is very different than saying, now I'm
with you, I want to stop smoking cigarettes. Now that
I'm with you, I no longer want to watch porn.
You're managing yourself, so there's only a matter of time

(45:09):
before who you don't like about me shows up in
this relationship. So I always ask people this, Instead of
finding people that you have to change for or that
you want to change for, you find somebody who's conducive
to the shit you got going on. Meaning if you're
in your dysfunctional era, I'm serious, you find someone who
your dysfunction does not create dysfunction in them.

Speaker 3 (45:32):
Your dysfunction may be something that they need and they
can feed in a healthy way, because that happens often.

Speaker 1 (45:38):
For example, people who have anxious attachment. Those are the
people who are just always want to be up under
you and all you want to attach if you want
to that, right, would you do it?

Speaker 2 (45:47):
Now?

Speaker 3 (45:48):
Watch this? Now, I'm an abandoned little girl who's grown
up to you to abandoned women. I have worked through
a lot of my stuff.

Speaker 1 (45:53):
But that anxious attachment person would drive somebody who is
in avoidant or even secure attachment crazy.

Speaker 3 (46:02):
That is system overload, way too much for them. Me.
I love me a clinging man. So if my man
hold on, I'm not saying he's sitting at home not
doing then I'm playing video game. I'm saying he's traveling,
he's doing work, he's doing this thing.

Speaker 1 (46:15):
But maybe in between work, in between sessions, in between lunch,
he wants to FaceTime me or text me or baby,
I miss you. And when he's done with work, he
wants to get right back home to mama. I love
me and man like that. He wants to fly me outright.
Oh hell yes, so you you You.

Speaker 4 (46:30):
Got a therapist says that you talk, he told mister Johnson.
So how does it that missus Johnson feel that you're
not meeting so forth and so on, And then you
get out of that session. You got like five text messages,
three miss called okay.

Speaker 1 (46:43):
So see, see, now you're going to obsessive. I didn't
say that the person will crash out.

Speaker 3 (46:49):
That's different.

Speaker 1 (46:50):
That's somebody who's having an anxiety attack because you're not available.

Speaker 3 (46:53):
That's more of codependency.

Speaker 2 (46:55):
Okay.

Speaker 1 (46:55):
I'm saying somebody who has an attachment style where they
love being plugged into their partner. They want to plug,
they want to see you want to see your woman's
face before me and you do this interview. So when
I walked in, you might have been saying, okay, baby,
hey doctor Brian just walked in.

Speaker 3 (47:10):
I'll call you right back. And then you hang up,
and I'm like, hey, Shannon, Yes, that is what's healthy for.

Speaker 2 (47:15):
Me, okay.

Speaker 1 (47:16):
But for many other people, that attachment style may not
work for them. They may say I'm too needy or
that person's too need. So what I try to teach
people is stop finding someone who was avoidant, right, and
I want someone who's going to be attached. And now
I'm telling you all day, Shannon, like you don't call
me enough, Like are you not into me? You know

(47:37):
you're not slapping my ass every time I walk by.
You know, it's like you need your space downstairs in
the man cave for an hour when you get home
to the brief. But to me, that makes me feel
a little detached from you, right, Versus finding a man
who says shit, you are my man ca I can't
Daddy can't.

Speaker 3 (47:52):
Come on, baby, now we talking while you're at a mama,
bring me that good shame, sha, bring that good shade dark.
You know what I'm saying. That's what I mean by
us finding what's conducive to us, not finding the person
who needs us to change and be something else, because
that's also a deeper rooted issue. If I'm always attracting
and choosing people who want me to change, that is

(48:14):
an identity crisis issue. That is a lack of self love.
Something in me doesn't like myself. So I'm calibrating you,
who is.

Speaker 1 (48:22):
Pointing out for me what I don't like that I
need to change, and I'm making you my motivating factor
to change. When if I don't like that about myself,
shouldn't that be an inside job. Shouldn't I sit with
me first and say these are the things I don't
like about me. Let me lose the weight, let me
have better self care, let me tail down on my
smart mouth. Whatever it is I feel I need to do.

Speaker 3 (48:42):
Why do I need to choose you to tell me
I need to change and me be motivated by you?
That's codependency. That's unhealthy.

Speaker 1 (48:50):
So people listen, get a sense of self, and then
find somebody who's conducive to who you are. Because no
one's ever gonna be perfect. We all gonna be broken.
We meet whoever we meet, and there's no such thing
as a fully healed person. So all this wait till
you're heal to find somebody're gonna be waiting forever. And
what happens is while you are trying to isolate to heal,
you are also unlearning how to socialize.

Speaker 3 (49:12):
You are also debditing your chemistry muscle. So when you
go back out the house six months, five years, I
have a long y'all trying to isolate.

Speaker 1 (49:18):
Then you're going, I'm socially awkward. How come I can't
connect with people? How come there's no chemistry with anybody? Well,
you ain't used it, so you can dated there you go.
So it's about having healthy distractions. I'm gonna heal for
two hours a day and meditate and take stuff inventory
and do my therapy. But then Monday, Wednesday, Friday, at

(49:39):
seven o'clock, I have to get out and socialize. I
have to get out and meet people who are celebrating me.
I have to get out and create a circle of
wealth who are pouring into me. So I have a
balance of healing and also a norm that's gonna allow
me to be me and be around people and socialize
and meet someone who I can possibly be conducive with,
who I don't have to look forward to be my
motivator to change and be a better me. Being better

(50:00):
comes from the inside a woman to never make a
man a better man. Y'all gonna change and you want to,
as you see in my father's words, gonna be a
nigga a woman, I is gonna be a womanizer.

Speaker 3 (50:10):
A woman will become a.

Speaker 1 (50:10):
Product of your environment. Off seting cardib is a perfect example.
Cardi b came into it. She had no kids, she
was in her career. She's going diamond and Platina with
her records. No kids, Offset had how many by how many?

Speaker 2 (50:24):
And bring you had a couple.

Speaker 3 (50:25):
So who became a product of whose environment?

Speaker 1 (50:29):
Cardi now has two by two. My theory proven right again.
She has two by two. So she's a product of
his environment. I'm just saying what it is because a
man who's gonna marry is a man who's gonna want
marry he's looking for marriage. But a man who's just

(50:49):
looking for ass is what he's looking for. It don't
matter if he runs to doctor Bryant. People in general,
especially women, have to be stop being so arrogant to
think that anything we got to a walk to a
dwalk to anything can take a man and make him
what he's not. We ain't building, we ain't never made, y'all,
and we would never change y'all. Only thing we can

(51:10):
do is choose, y'all and say, if this man never
changes this right here, I will love everything.

Speaker 3 (51:16):
About this man exactly how he is. But we don't
do that.

Speaker 1 (51:19):
I do now, but most women don't. We go I
like twenty five thirty five percent. I think, I think
that's that's sixty five percent.

Speaker 3 (51:28):
Once he meets me, makes love to me, and see
I can cook, and I can clean, and I can
do these other things, and my knees is good and
I do cook. Yeah, but the man cleans.

Speaker 2 (51:37):
I don't agree.

Speaker 1 (51:37):
I'll cook it for you, but but don't you read me.
But I'll cook it. I'll cook it for my man
red me. But all that, guess what, that ain't gonna
change who you are.

Speaker 3 (51:51):
That's not going to change the type of man you are.

Speaker 4 (51:53):
I don't even want to go out no more. Lose
my number, hole boy, don't they will call me again.
I'm happy here.

Speaker 3 (52:00):
There you go.

Speaker 4 (52:01):
Let me ask you this, because it seemed like like
in today's time, Doc, when I was coming up.

Speaker 3 (52:07):
And with this is so good. I don't even drink.

Speaker 2 (52:09):
This is so good, thank you.

Speaker 3 (52:12):
She wouldn't have to come up with a with a
shake something this is good.

Speaker 4 (52:17):
When I was coming up, it was it like the
ladies wanted you to call them and you just couldn't call.
Like now, if you call, if you talk to the
person once a week.

Speaker 3 (52:28):
They're cool Tuesday, okay, the mother one. Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah,
don't call me once a week. Call me all Listen,
I said, love me at least love me like this.
Do not love me like that, literally and figuratively love
me like this. You got to love me up.

Speaker 2 (52:48):
Close, doc on demon.

Speaker 3 (52:50):
Time, Demon time, love me up close.

Speaker 1 (53:00):
But you know what I wanted you to finish your question,
because healthy people know how to love Okay.

Speaker 3 (53:08):
Healthy people don't have to love you at a distance.

Speaker 1 (53:10):
Okay, because a distance means that I'm putting barriers.

Speaker 3 (53:14):
In front of them.

Speaker 2 (53:15):
Yes, yes.

Speaker 1 (53:16):
So, if I am not afraid of love, then why
am I not loving all the way like this?

Speaker 3 (53:21):
Why am I not loving like this? Whym my not
loving like this?

Speaker 1 (53:25):
Why is it that I'm putting stipulations or barriers or
limitations on how I love you?

Speaker 3 (53:30):
I was made from love. My parents love the shit
out of me. My mom still treats me like I'm four.
My dad still open my.

Speaker 1 (53:38):
Door at the age of thirty eight when he would
take me to dinner.

Speaker 3 (53:42):
So I am a love bug.

Speaker 1 (53:44):
So I don't need you to love me from a
distance because you are starving me of the love that
we could both be having if you didn't have issues
with love. Because when you think of love, Shannon, you
think of love as limitations.

Speaker 2 (53:59):
No, it's.

Speaker 4 (54:01):
So.

Speaker 3 (54:01):
Then Why is there a number amount on how many
calls or texas I can give or get from you
a day? Why is it that you know too much time?

Speaker 1 (54:11):
Is too much time to be spent If we really
love and like each other, how come I can't just
miss you while I'm in your presence? How come I
can't just had made love to you, laid up under you.

Speaker 3 (54:21):
And want to lean over and still smell you again?

Speaker 1 (54:24):
What is wrong with that? How come I can't make
love to you? Been with you for four days straight?
We done made love full five times already, and then say.

Speaker 3 (54:32):
Daddy, I miss you. Really, that's not obsessive. That's healthy
love that happened in today's time. That's how I love shit.
It's healthy love.

Speaker 1 (54:42):
And that's why I can't just be giving my love
to anybody, because not because you have that.

Speaker 3 (54:47):
Kind of pot gallon. There's people who are pints.

Speaker 1 (54:52):
Gallons have to be careful of pints and pints have
to be careful. No one's better, it's just different bandwidth, right,
My love is this?

Speaker 3 (54:59):
So if a pint everything they happened to me, how
much is left?

Speaker 2 (55:02):
You still got room?

Speaker 3 (55:03):
If I pour everything into them system overload, they cannot
facilitate me. This is why I said, we have to
find conduciveness. We have to find people who are what
bandwidth capacity driven? We gotta stop looking at this.

Speaker 1 (55:18):
Dude got a contract for one hundred million dollars, so
that contract coped these bills.

Speaker 3 (55:22):
But then after you get these kids and you see.

Speaker 1 (55:25):
That the trainer that you've been training with, who possibly
can't pay all the bills, has a bandwidth I'm not
saying be with the trainer. What I'm saying is you
got to find the in between or it's conducive for you, okay,
because people are too driven in things that don't sustain
them and then they end up making decisions that have
them doing time because they didn't take their time.

Speaker 2 (55:43):
That's a problem, is it in the relationship? Now?

Speaker 4 (55:46):
Do we have two unrealistic expectations? Because I think the
thing is that and what I like. I'm a firm believer.
And the lady told me, say, Shannon, You're never gonna
find someone that has everything. You're not gonna find someone
that can cook. They have the job they do your
egg y and Z because she hadn't. If she has
a job, how do you expect her to be at
your becking call? And then you're gonna get tired If

(56:06):
she's at your becking call all the time, you're gonna
get tired of her being being at your becking call.
So you're not gonna find someone that has everything. Just
find someone that has enough of the qualities that you
want that a few of the ones that she don't
you can survive perfect.

Speaker 1 (56:22):
And I say this, what are your non negotiables? Right,
my not negotiables is a man with children. That's pretty
much it. Yeah right, I mean, of course we can
to be abusive. Those the common sense Yeah, common sense.

Speaker 3 (56:34):
Okay, no kids. So as long as he has no kids,
I go down the list.

Speaker 1 (56:39):
He's kind, he's loving. You know, he has that attachment style.
I like he wants to put get his suit case
and live up in me. I love it, you know,
that type of thing. And he loves on me. He's faithful.
I like transparency. I don't like honesty. So he's transparent.
And so what people need to do with.

Speaker 4 (56:56):
Sayencies tell you is something that you'd even ask.

Speaker 3 (56:58):
It's forthcoming. Honesty is yeah, I asked the question and
then you answer me. Forthcoming is bay. Let me tell
you what happened to me today, baby. I was driving home.
I got an email from my ex and I had.

Speaker 1 (57:11):
Talked to her in ten years, really babe, yes, And
the email said, boom boom, she's in town.

Speaker 3 (57:15):
She wants to go to lunch.

Speaker 1 (57:16):
I said, would you say, babe, I told her I'm
married that she didn't see that on social media.

Speaker 3 (57:21):
I got a wife or I didn't respond at all? Baby, Okay,
and guess what we resume our day.

Speaker 1 (57:25):
Okay, because the fact that you're transparent, you are now
depositing into our trust bank. But when I have to
ask you, bab and say you didn't respond to the
email out on you did everything right, but I happened
to run through and I said, baby, you didn't tell
me such and such emails you and you go, oh, babe,
you know I won't eve think of it.

Speaker 3 (57:44):
But let's say you did everything right, you really didn't
pay it no more.

Speaker 1 (57:47):
Now it's not about you doing anything right, it's about
what why didn't you tell me? Most people say that
now you are starting a little bit of cracks and
crevices in our trust foundation.

Speaker 3 (57:59):
When you ain't did nothing wrong.

Speaker 1 (58:01):
So now of course I'm not going to leave you
for that, But now we got to work through me
trying to say, baby, next time, could you tell me?
But when you can just be forthcoming if you know
you have nothing going on, Transparency is the way to
build the best trust his baby, Look, this is what
it is, and let me go.

Speaker 3 (58:17):
It's gonna be very unapologetic opinion. Before my player is
out there for the men who's trying to play for
the woman who's trying to go dig. Even as a
player who got a little bit of game. Transparency would
be what you want to do.

Speaker 1 (58:32):
Because when you tell a woman everything that's really going on,
she trusted you, hold on trust, Kris?

Speaker 3 (58:40):
What security?

Speaker 2 (58:42):
What do woman want security? And you give an opportunity
to make a choice because if you deny that.

Speaker 3 (58:49):
So how many women are dealing with the married man
who they know is married?

Speaker 1 (58:55):
And that married man has no problem with the side
chick because.

Speaker 3 (59:00):
She knows and in her or rabbit ass mine she
says what said.

Speaker 2 (59:06):
Eventually he gonna leave her and be with me.

Speaker 3 (59:09):
And guess what. He a good man, Savannah, because he's
honest with me. He told me he was married. I
could trust him. But see, Savannah's man was married in
that movie too. That's the problem.

Speaker 1 (59:22):
And the wife don't know about you, and even if
she does, he's a womanizer. So a womanizer's gonna do
what womanize, right, So when a person shows you who they.

Speaker 3 (59:33):
Are, my dad used to always say, believe them, don't wrap.

Speaker 1 (59:37):
Them with your fairy tale ideology of what you want
them to be and then gaslight them when you see
that's not who they are. So transparency is the foundation,
whether you are trying to move in a good character,
which I couldone good character, or even if you're not.
It's about the transparency piece. We all want to know that,
whether I like you or not, Shannon, I can trust you.

(59:58):
I'll hire you if I could trust you.

Speaker 3 (59:59):
Yes, But I'm not going to.

Speaker 1 (01:00:01):
Hire this snake who does a better job than you,
but I can't trust him.

Speaker 3 (01:00:04):
It's transparency.

Speaker 4 (01:00:05):
Do we have two unrealistic expectations of what a relationship
should be?

Speaker 3 (01:00:10):
You mean on the man and women's perspective? I think so.

Speaker 1 (01:00:13):
I think the perfection thing is one, definitely, and I
think that's both men and women. I think men want
this perfect woman who does all those things you named
in today's society. What woman is not working? I mean,
you do have some woman that I was a kept woman.

Speaker 3 (01:00:25):
But to your point, I cooked, I cleaned, he had
in house. I never denied him.

Speaker 1 (01:00:29):
All I did was work out and run on the
present of naacp here in Los Angeles, and I ran
that and ran my foundation.

Speaker 3 (01:00:36):
But I didn't work. He didn't want me to work.

Speaker 1 (01:00:38):
But I also was a woman who was okay with
not working and just fully submitting to him.

Speaker 3 (01:00:43):
I was okay in that position?

Speaker 2 (01:00:45):
Would you be okay now in that position?

Speaker 1 (01:00:48):
So I believe that I would be okay in that position.
If my husband said, baby, you know, once you have
our kids, I want you home with them, and I
don't really want you actively traveling the way you do
for your career. And he was open to me still

(01:01:10):
creating and producing all the shows that I produced, where
I don't have to be so hands on, right having
my doctor Brian Institute, which I have therapists that work
for me that see clients. If he understood that what
I built, which is bigger than me, it's about healing
our community, is something I can still have and allowed
to operate and heal folks. Yes, But if he said
you got the shut up, shut down from the shop,

(01:01:32):
when I would say, what does it make sense? Because
this contributes to our economic household, and it contributes to
our legacy, and these are things that I can leave
behind to our children and also that you, as my husband,
will fully benefit from because this is not mine.

Speaker 3 (01:01:47):
I built this and it's ours and so let's take
it and build it together.

Speaker 1 (01:01:51):
And I don't mind hiring an office manager, a second assistant,
a another CEO.

Speaker 3 (01:01:57):
I could hire a full five more. People want to
make sure what I built can sustain sustainable.

Speaker 1 (01:02:02):
But what I will say is I am one hundred
percent open to dialing down and be more available and
convenient and accessible to him. Absolutely, because I've done it
before and I love that position.

Speaker 4 (01:02:13):
Yes, you mentioned the shows that you produce, You co
produce MTV, Team Mom, Family Reunion, You're going to Basketball Wives.

Speaker 2 (01:02:21):
What is it about?

Speaker 4 (01:02:22):
I remember I had a conversation with a guy, this
had to be Doctor Bryan, probably in two thousand and
this was the time kind of like MTV The Real
World was just starting to come on Survivor, and he
said that, he said, that is television moving forward. I said,
what do you mean? He said, reality television is going
to be the wave.

Speaker 2 (01:02:43):
He said. I said why. He said, because it's cheap.

Speaker 4 (01:02:46):
He said, instead of paying somebody on two hundred three
hundred thousand episode and you shoot twenty twenty five episodes,
you can pay somebody five thousand. Because everybody wants that
fifteen minutes, and everybody feels they'll be able to take
that fifteen minutes and transition into something bigger and low
and behold. But I think if really television is don't
a disservice too somewhat because they got people, they they

(01:03:08):
got people thinking like coup o, bro, it's not like that.

Speaker 2 (01:03:12):
It's not like that.

Speaker 1 (01:03:13):
Yeah, And people can't transit many most people cannot transition
out of reality TV to anything else because they've exposed
the parts of them that most people don't want to
hire or don't want to represent them company their company.
So for me, uh, you know, with Teen Mom and
Family Reunion going on that show, I developed it and

(01:03:34):
I co produced it. I was an on camera life coach, right,
so my reality was my real life position.

Speaker 3 (01:03:40):
So I loved it. I was in my purpose.

Speaker 1 (01:03:41):
I love I love those those teen moms and dads
and families that were on there. We build great relationships
and I was able to really really transition their lives.
It was it was beautiful and for people to sit
on TV Basketball Wives. I also went on there as
the psychology expert, and it just took a different toll
because those group of women were not in a position

(01:04:03):
of wanting healing, which I believe the network knew that
and we it's all it's business. I get it's entertainment.
They were more in the position of saying, well, this
is our norm what we've been doing reality TV.

Speaker 3 (01:04:14):
We turn it up right. So at some.

Speaker 1 (01:04:15):
Point I understood that that wasn't the show for me
because I wouldn't be able to use my expertise on
that show.

Speaker 3 (01:04:21):
I would have to use you know, check a bitch
on that show. It's just the truth.

Speaker 1 (01:04:25):
And so I said, let me just remove myself before
I ruined.

Speaker 3 (01:04:29):
Myself and somebody on the show. But reality TV, I
think it was good for its era. You know, I
think that it still plays a role in entertainment.

Speaker 1 (01:04:40):
But a lot of people are stuck in that and
so what they're doing is they got to create certain
timelines to stay on it right. And I feel like
their life at the beginning is the real life. And
then after they're on there for so many years, the
question is how much of it is real now because
now you have to create sustainability for you to have
a story. One of my friends are on reality TV,

(01:05:01):
and you know, so for the sake of them, I
hope it stays and they keep getting their bag and
they keep doing their thing.

Speaker 3 (01:05:07):
Uh.

Speaker 1 (01:05:08):
But for me, if I'm producing it, you know, I
wouldn't mind doing it if it's a show where I
can provide healing like Eana van Zante.

Speaker 3 (01:05:14):
Fix my life.

Speaker 1 (01:05:15):
That's reality that I love, right, you know, so shout
out to her. That's that's my first coach and still
someone who I go to for wise counsel. But shows
like that I think are good. But I also think
some people, Shannon want to be entertained. I don't think
we have a right to tell somebody what they need
to watch to be entertained. People love it, they do,
they do, you know. And and for some folks like
myself who don't have drama in my real life, thank

(01:05:36):
god I don't watch.

Speaker 4 (01:05:38):
Why do we like drama? Why do we Why do
we like the car crash? Why do we like why
do we why?

Speaker 2 (01:05:44):
What?

Speaker 4 (01:05:44):
What is our obsession with seeing someone else crash out
or seeing someone misbehave?

Speaker 2 (01:05:49):
What? When do we have we always been visvoyuristic?

Speaker 3 (01:05:52):
Well, it's relatable to some people.

Speaker 1 (01:05:54):
It also validates that they are not alone in their
crash out.

Speaker 3 (01:05:58):
Perfect example.

Speaker 1 (01:06:00):
Before too we became Tooby. Now when tub was hood movies.
I don't watch movies, but when I did watch a movie,
it was mess Society, Boys in the Hood or a
Good Hood to Be Hood movie. Why do you think
I like that? It was home from me. It was
childhood for me. I related to that. I grew up
in that. I didn't want to recreate that. But every

(01:06:21):
time I watch it, I'd be like a little kid
in bed in my pajamas right eating, having my drink,
my wine, and I'm just loving watching this gang to
type of love story that I was a product of
at one point. And so people watch what they relate
to remember that. And we live in a world, especially
within our community, where you do have the broken homes,

(01:06:41):
you do have the dysfunction. But I do want to
give us our props real quick, because there are so
many people in general, but especially black folks who are
understanding that faith without works is dead. Who have the
faith and the principles. You know, most of us grew
up in the church home, and we're black. We know God,
we know principles, we know the Bible.

Speaker 3 (01:06:59):
But they're coming to therapy. They're making therapy a lifestyle.

Speaker 1 (01:07:03):
They're understanding that mental health is real, that mental health
will make or it has been breaking us. And so
I want to give our community the props of saying that,
you know, listen, super proud of us for showing up
and making mental health a conversation and making therapy a
conversation on many podcasts, on many talk shows. Eighty percent

(01:07:24):
of my clients are celebrities, are athletes, NFL players, baseball players,
and a good ninety ish are black and black men
at the highest rate of any of my clients that
she my a listeners and my athletes have experienced suicide
attempt or suicide ideation and never told anyone, and they're

(01:07:47):
just blessed and happy that they didn't act on it
or follow through.

Speaker 2 (01:07:51):
That wasn't always the case.

Speaker 3 (01:07:53):
It was not always a case.

Speaker 4 (01:07:54):
We grew up I'm mold enough and grew up in
an environment where you weren't allowed to cry if you're
a man, because that was the side of week. When
did you think this shift happened where black men were
comfortable coming to sit down and talk to a doctor
brad or they were willing to go see counseling. This
is what I'm thinking, this is what I'm feeling. I'm
not okay, and I'm big enough, I'm mad enough. I

(01:08:18):
love that I'm not prideful enough to say, Doc, I
need to talk to somebody because I got these thoughts
going on inside, and I don't know how much longer
I can bite them.

Speaker 1 (01:08:28):
So as much as most people hate social media, I
believe that that is one of the positive impact social
media has had is folks being able to see other
folks that look like them, black men being able to
see other black men, black boys, seeing black men on
social media that look like them, expressing themselves having mental

(01:08:49):
health breakdowns on social media, showing the results of therapy,
the results of not getting therapy. We've had black folks
on social media come in suicide. We've had clips of that.
I think social media the power of the positive power
that it does have is the witnessing of other people
having the same crash out or mental health crisis as we,

(01:09:13):
as a viewer are having, and normalizing it for us
so we don't feel alone, and then seeing what they
did to cure it or to help it, and saying,
you know what, I want that help too. I think
when you don't have the vision of what is possible
for you, But the Bible said we perish, we perish, right.

(01:09:33):
The Bible says that it says people without a vision
do what perish? Wow, And it says hope defer does
what makes the heart sick. So when you lose hope,
we have a sick heart, which make what sick people,
whether it's physically or mentally. But one thing you said
that I love is you said them come into session
and being like, okay, Doc, you know I'm broken or
I have these thoughts and I feel this way.

Speaker 3 (01:09:51):
Y'all don't come to session like that.

Speaker 2 (01:09:53):
By the way, it takes a while to get it.

Speaker 3 (01:09:55):
Y'all work my ass.

Speaker 1 (01:09:56):
Okay, it don't be like that, especially black men. You
come in session, and I love this about y'all. Listen,
I have a soft spar for my black I love y'all. Boy,
y'all come to session.

Speaker 2 (01:10:08):
I don't even really want to be here. I don't
even know why I'm here, but I'm here.

Speaker 3 (01:10:12):
But my wife made the appointment.

Speaker 1 (01:10:14):
Or y'all sit in session, and I love this part.
You're waiting for me to create a safe space. Why
do I love that? Because I am not.

Speaker 3 (01:10:26):
I am not entitled to hear.

Speaker 1 (01:10:31):
Your issues just because I have a title. You should
make me work to create a safe space for you
so that you know you can trust me. However, you
should do that as well in your relationships before you
putting your penis in a woman, you should make sure
that that body, that space, that body, and that space
is safe so that your trauma and your issues would

(01:10:54):
become buried in your codependency on in sex, and you
would be able to gain a sense of self and
not a sense of your codependency where all it does
is trigger and inflame your traumas and your existing.

Speaker 3 (01:11:07):
Self hate and issues.

Speaker 1 (01:11:10):
And then we would have better men, not for women,
but for their self. And the suicide rate is the
highest in black men. Really, do you know what the
root of suicide is?

Speaker 3 (01:11:20):
It's self hate. It's identity crisis.

Speaker 1 (01:11:23):
You have to hate yourself so much and the identity
that you tell yourself you have to want to kill
the biggest part of you.

Speaker 3 (01:11:33):
That is an identity crisis.

Speaker 4 (01:11:34):
But then you don't realize, Okay, I'm hurting so bad
and if I do this, I'm no longer hurting. But
you miss the most important part. The people that you
leave behind that gotta hurt forever, because now they question,
where do we go wrong?

Speaker 2 (01:11:50):
What do we do wrong? Did we what signs did
we miss?

Speaker 1 (01:11:53):
And you know what's funny, the people that you want
them to think about that's gonna hurt the most when
they gone are the people that got them in the
pain that.

Speaker 3 (01:12:02):
Hurts them the most.

Speaker 1 (01:12:03):
Wow, So you think they give a care about leaving you.
Let me tell you something. I've had a boy sit
on my phone and tell me that he was going
to kill himself in the kitchen time. It so perfectly
so that his father could walk in and see him,
because he wanted his father to feel the pain that

(01:12:25):
he projected onto him that he was not aware of.
You think that little boy cared about his father being
in pain for the rest of his life when the
whole intention was killing myself. Is the measurement of the
pain that you have projected onto me. They ain't a dress,

(01:12:46):
You ain't said nothing about it. You going about your
daily life, dating, working, doing whatever you're doing, and I
am bleeding to death in front of you, in front
of you. I had to sit on the phone with
that boy for hours and hours. He's now doing well.

(01:13:08):
Suicideal ideations are gone. Him and his father have the
most amazing relationship. And his father always says, I am
forever ever and debt it to you. I'm like, no,
you're not right, But I said that to say. That's
not how a person who was in excruciating pain to
the point where they want to kill themselves as at.

Speaker 3 (01:13:27):
They're not thinking like that. But also it's an accountability
piece to the people who are around them.

Speaker 1 (01:13:33):
It's not good enough, Shannon, for me to ask you,
baby you okay, let me tell you something.

Speaker 3 (01:13:37):
I have two brothers, both younger.

Speaker 1 (01:13:41):
If I ask our baby brother his name is Shane,
he's a baby of all of us. If I call
his phone, forget If i'll call his phone and he
don't answer too many times, you can ask my best
friend and assistant, who's in here, Shannon, I'll pull up
and lay on that lay on that horn, knock on
that door, come in the house, because oh what is up?

Speaker 3 (01:14:02):
What is going on?

Speaker 1 (01:14:04):
And there has been times where that was needed and
he didn't want to say what was going on. He
was raised to be that man that you said that
if a bill is short, he's not gonna ask. If
he's feeling some type of way, he's not gonna speak.
But when he walks in the house, I can tell
when it moves off because I pay enough attention to

(01:14:24):
that boy, because I love him, and as folks who
love are folks, we have to pay more attention than
just Shannon said he was good.

Speaker 2 (01:14:32):
We caught up in our own set. We ain't got
tired to be thinking about all it.

Speaker 1 (01:14:34):
But if I noticed you weren't good, That's the only
reason why I asked you and you said you was
Why did I take that as okay?

Speaker 3 (01:14:41):
Why didn't I say, no, you're not?

Speaker 2 (01:14:43):
Could you ask that question for a reason or.

Speaker 3 (01:14:46):
You got some people ask it for the okay, which
is an ego centric approach, just to.

Speaker 2 (01:14:52):
Say he said it was okay. I done my part,
So ask.

Speaker 1 (01:14:56):
Me when you really care. Don't ask me how I'm doing.
If you really don't, don't care. Because if I'm not
doing well and I told you I wasn't, and all
you was asking to say you did your part? How
was you going to provide resources? How were you going
to be someone who can help me with this impairment?
So what I want to say, honestly to everyone within
our community, this is just real.

Speaker 3 (01:15:16):
The whole what's up? Dog? You good? Needs to be
a real But are you good?

Speaker 4 (01:15:21):
Well?

Speaker 3 (01:15:21):
I asked you that because I know you're not, So
what's up? And I need to be pressing you like
I pressure when I want to go have a drink,
like I press you when I want to go hang out,
like I press you when I want to turn up,
like I pressure when I want to be outside, like
I press you when I want to watch the game.
I should be pressing you when I know something that's
not right with you, because that's what real friendship is,

(01:15:42):
that is what real love is. And I don't care
if you get mad.

Speaker 1 (01:15:46):
I'm in your business and I want to know why,
especially with black men, especially with black men, we need
to because y'all would get fussy and get emotionally uncomfortable.

Speaker 3 (01:15:55):
And why are you bugging me while.

Speaker 1 (01:15:57):
You want to talk about Because I'm because I'm bugging you,
and until we talk, you tell me something. I'm not
going away because I love you. I've had to tell
clients who being mad at me in session. Listen, I'm
doing my job. You can't get rid of me, so
you can get as mad as you want. I'm not
going nowhere.

Speaker 3 (01:16:15):
Do you know how that shifted the whole trajectory in
that man's whole attitude When I said, well, I'm not
going nowhere so you can get mad. We still got
thirty minutes. I'm not going nowhere, and I'll be here
next week too. I'm not going nowhere. I've had men
break down and just cry by me saying I'm not
going nowhere. So we can unpack this and we can
do this tug award. But I'm in your pain with you.

Speaker 2 (01:16:37):
What about this situation?

Speaker 4 (01:16:38):
And I think, and I've heard this, and this happens
a lot, is that sometimes when we reveal our deepest
and themost thoughts to our partner, they turn around and
flip it when they get mad and throw it up
in our face.

Speaker 3 (01:16:51):
Yeah, that happens often.

Speaker 4 (01:16:53):
So now I don't feel this is a safe space.
So I've got to go to someone that doesn't have
a dog in a fight. I know they're not going
to throw this up in my face because they're like, well,
you know, you can talk to me about anything, but
I can't because the moment you get mad at me,
you're gonna throw this up in my face and say, see,
your grandma didn't do this, so your mom didn't do that.

Speaker 2 (01:17:11):
You got blah blah blah, And I mean, really try
to hear that.

Speaker 3 (01:17:13):
But why are you the only one going to someone
to talk?

Speaker 1 (01:17:15):
Why are they not going to someone so that they
can learn the proper too, so facilitate a healthy relationship.

Speaker 3 (01:17:20):
Y'all both died to be in someone's office.

Speaker 2 (01:17:22):
But they're perfect.

Speaker 1 (01:17:22):
So but anyway, But but that's a bit of narcissism,
is what you're describing. Because if I'm perfect, but you
don't have a safe space with me, and I throw
everything you say back in your face, because that's just ego.
If I'm throwing something back in your face, I'm intentionally
trying to hurt you. And that's also a competitive nature
because anytime I'm trying to chip away at you so

(01:17:42):
I can feel more superior to you, that's a narcissistic behavior.

Speaker 3 (01:17:46):
So what are we doing here now?

Speaker 1 (01:17:50):
Again, I said narcissistic behavior. So you can have traits
and not be diagnosed. You can have the behavior and
not be diagnosed. Okay, y'all, So yes, but we have
to be aware of that. And I think as women
in general, especially Black women, we do got to do
a better job of holding space for y'all. We do
got to do a better job of having a safe.

Speaker 3 (01:18:12):
Space for y'all. And when we do get upset, knowing
how to have knowing how to have a fair fight
I can easy say you ain't shit for not telling
me about that email, But do I have to say
that's why your mama left you exactly because you probably
was a lion asked when you was a teenager too,

(01:18:34):
That's why she abandoned you because she didn't want to
be around you either. So those are things that we
have to be aware of because that's venom. Yes, and
if I'm venom at you, that means venom is ware
in me.

Speaker 2 (01:18:49):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (01:18:50):
So, now my trauma has just entered into the relationship,
not the woman you probably chose, which was the healthy
me that showed up, my representative, which is still me.

Speaker 3 (01:19:00):
Was it healthy me? I didn't tell you it was
a nothing else to do when we first start dating.

Speaker 1 (01:19:04):
But now that you have entered into my vulnerability, which
encompasses all of who I am, you are getting who
all of who I am? So you're not just getting
the baby talk to me?

Speaker 3 (01:19:16):
Are you okay? Why are you hungry? Well? What happened?

Speaker 1 (01:19:19):
Oh that's okay, Just next time the email comes to
just tell me, can you commit to that?

Speaker 3 (01:19:22):
Yeo? Okay, baby? Were good. Now you're getting the trigger
little girl in me who's abandoned.

Speaker 1 (01:19:28):
So now she's the one that's having an argument with you,
and she is going to emasculate you.

Speaker 3 (01:19:35):
She is going to dismantle you. Why because she.

Speaker 1 (01:19:39):
Was dismantled as a little girl. And misery and healthy
both love company. So when I'm in my healthy, I'm
gonna pull you in. But when I'm in my dysfunction,
I'm gonna pull you in. So this is why I
say you have to have people who are hybrids, high
functioning and low functioning.

Speaker 3 (01:19:56):
We have to both be both.

Speaker 1 (01:19:58):
Because when I'm in my low function, what do I
need you to be in your high function? I need
you to say, Baby, that's that little girl on you
who's broken, And I know you don't mean what you
what you're saying, and I love you and I'm gonna
have grace for you right now, but I'm gonna ask
you not to talk to.

Speaker 3 (01:20:14):
Me like that because you're crossing my boundary.

Speaker 1 (01:20:17):
And I'm working very hard to make sure the little
boy and me don't get in the ring with her,
because then we go on trauma bond and I don't
know if we can come.

Speaker 3 (01:20:25):
Back from them blows.

Speaker 1 (01:20:27):
Yes, you have to stay in that position, and then
when you go low I have to be able to
be aware of my man and say he's in that space.

Speaker 2 (01:20:37):
Normally, when they go low, I go to hell.

Speaker 1 (01:20:42):
Both of us because let me tell you, And then
then I remind them how bad I get. I say
yes because God said, if you make your bed in hell,
he there, I said.

Speaker 3 (01:20:52):
But the God, we're going, Yeah, we're going. Yeah, yeah,
we gotta work on that.

Speaker 4 (01:20:58):
I'm getting better. I ain't got to fight even like
I used to have. I'm getting old of my doc.
I'm getting wise.

Speaker 1 (01:21:03):
The problem is I still got the fight and the
grit and the strategy.

Speaker 3 (01:21:08):
So I'm managing all that.

Speaker 2 (01:21:10):
Is there a difference between a therapist and a life coach?

Speaker 3 (01:21:12):
There is.

Speaker 1 (01:21:13):
So I started off as a marriage, family and child
therapist right where I was working for a nonprofit under
a license and diagnosing and doing progress notes and building
insurance and dealing with court ordered families from DCFS, the
Department of Child and Family Services, And so that was
where a therapist diagnosed, we do progress knows, we build insurance.

(01:21:34):
A life coach is somebody who still provides resources in
tools right, similar to a therapist, but we don't diagnose,
we do not build insurance and we obviously don't need
progress notes two totally different things. Also, a life coach
isn't treating clients. A life coach is seeing clients. If
there as a therapist, I was treating clients right, not

(01:21:58):
just seeing them. My modality is a hybrid modality because
I started off as a therapist and my approach was cognitive,
behavioral therapy and psychodynamic and because that's my foundation, I
use a lot of those tools still in my life
coaching and to blend it altogether. They're both needed and
that's why my hybrid approach is the most effective. Because

(01:22:19):
therapy is like, tell me more to talk about your
childhood wounds and these are why you do what you do.
This is why you think the way you think. Right,
your three part houses, how you think, how you feel,
and how you behave This is why your three part
houses disaligned. Then we get you aligned. Coaching says all right, Shannon,
Now that we got you somewhat together, where do you
want to go with this?

Speaker 3 (01:22:40):
What do you want to be?

Speaker 1 (01:22:41):
You see coaching If the person doesn't have a therapeutic
background like me, doesn't know how to penetrate the trauma right,
and therapists are not coaches. They're just trying to help
you process through your stuff, but they're not going to
get you to where you want to be.

Speaker 3 (01:22:54):
When you take both of them, which is me the hybrid,
I'm going we're gonna talk about the stuff, and then
we're gonna ge you to where you want to be
so your stuff does not come in and sabotage you
once you get there, Because one without the other really
is a deficit to the client. It just really is.

Speaker 4 (01:23:11):
Did you get this kind of bitchery all before you came,
before you became viral and you became an Internet sensation.
Did people dislike you then as much as they do
seem to dislike you now? Because every time I turn
around and somebody got something to say about.

Speaker 3 (01:23:25):
You, you know what I say about that?

Speaker 2 (01:23:27):
What you say about that?

Speaker 3 (01:23:28):
Though, because you know, the Internet lit your ass up
too many times.

Speaker 2 (01:23:33):
I ain't even more the Internet, nobody I.

Speaker 3 (01:23:34):
Have you ducking y'all, don't watch it ain't to go
to hell. So leave him alone. You just leave alone.

Speaker 1 (01:23:42):
I always say this, when everybody likes you, you're on
your way. When they start to hate you, you made it.
That's how I put it. But to answer your question,
people have always loved me, but not always loved the
truth that I speak. I've always been a truth speaker
before I was even in my field, and I just
learned now that I don't give the truth outside of sessions,

(01:24:04):
stage interviews, or my speaking events. If my friends don't ask,
I don't give. It works better for the friendship and
it saves me the headache. But I've always been a
person who rocks the boat. I'm here to interrupt, you know,
generational pathologies. I'm here to interrupt dysfunctional pathologies. And as
a disruptor, people are going to have an issue. And

(01:24:27):
usually the hit dog is what barks, and so I'm
used to that and I'm okay with it. And my
intent is to hit the dogs that need a bark.
And so as long as they bark, and I'm doing
my job. And I always say, you know, my sheep
will know my voice, even the wolf who's in sheep clothing,
because that wolf is where in my hurd.

Speaker 3 (01:24:48):
And so either way my thing.

Speaker 1 (01:24:50):
As long as you get something and you do something
with it, then I've done my job, because I'm obedient
to who God, not people.

Speaker 4 (01:24:56):
Tama passed the lord and said influencers need to hold
a degree in the topics in which they discuss to
reduce misinformation. Do you think as American America should adopt
that policy.

Speaker 2 (01:25:08):
I don't.

Speaker 4 (01:25:09):
Personally, I don't because I think sometimes experience is the
best teacher.

Speaker 3 (01:25:13):
I agree.

Speaker 1 (01:25:13):
I don't think anyone should need a degree of accolade
or credential to give any type of expertise.

Speaker 3 (01:25:18):
No, right, because I agree with you. I always want.

Speaker 1 (01:25:20):
The first thing I say when I talk is when
I went and spoke to the Stellers, you know, shout
out to my Sellar family. I said, listen, my accolades,
these six degrees, they don't qualify me to speak to you.
It's my experience, it's my pain, it's my abandonment, it's
my trauma. That's going to make me relatable to you. Yes, nothing,
nothing I read in the book, none of these plaques
and degrees that are in my office on the wall

(01:25:41):
is going to be what makes me relatable to you.

Speaker 3 (01:25:44):
And so I agree with you.

Speaker 1 (01:25:44):
And I also think that it's not just a person
who has had experience, it's a person who has gained
wisdom from that experience. Because I always say, you know,
when folks say, how can you give advice or wisdom
to folks you've never been married? John Mother, Well, because
one I don't teach people how to be married, I
teach him how to get out of their own way.
So I'm teaching you how to process through your stuff

(01:26:06):
so you can be a better, healthier, happier man. And
heard you the same, happy people make for happy relationships.
Trauma out dysfunctional people make for trauma out dysfunctional relationships.

Speaker 3 (01:26:16):
However, I don't want to hear from.

Speaker 1 (01:26:19):
A married couple that have been married fifteen years and
miserable thirteen How y'all did it, because you're giving me
your blueprint to your failed marriage. So it's not just
about experience, it's about the wisdom. Because if you look
at really quick the Moses journey, he freed the Egyptians
from Israelite, right from Israelite and what happened the Israelites
from Egypt right across the Red Sea.

Speaker 3 (01:26:41):
He gets there.

Speaker 1 (01:26:42):
You know he's disobedient, the people are so God makes
him do what spend forty years in the wilderness, he
gets out the wilderness. No, Moses was the leader, he
was supposed to be the expert. He didn't freed everybody, right,
he didn't free these Egyptians.

Speaker 3 (01:27:00):
So now.

Speaker 1 (01:27:03):
He gets to the Promised Land. So God tells him,
I'm going to bring you to the Promised Land. Remember
God's promises never return void.

Speaker 3 (01:27:10):
So he brings him.

Speaker 1 (01:27:10):
To the Promised Land that means a promised land right here,
right here, and he tells Moses, talk to the rock,
water come out. Well, Moses, being so experienced but not wise,
he hits the rock water still comes out. Why because
God does what keeps his promises. But guess who made
it to the Promised Land. But not in the Promised land?

(01:27:32):
Moldes because he was what disobedient?

Speaker 3 (01:27:34):
But let me go further. Everybody that Moses led, everybody that.

Speaker 1 (01:27:41):
Was under Moses' wise counsel that wasn't wise, it was
just experience. Also didn't make it into the Promised Land.
Only Joshua and Caleb made into the Promised Land.

Speaker 3 (01:27:51):
So what am I saying? Y'all? You got to be
careful who has your ear? You got to be careful.

Speaker 1 (01:27:56):
About this person has experience because they've been married for
twenty years. That makes you think they have experience, But
do they have wisdom? Because the Bible says to seek
wise counsel, not.

Speaker 3 (01:28:04):
To seek experience.

Speaker 1 (01:28:07):
So you got to make sure you're doing your due diligence,
because like Moses, you don't want to end up being
his follower who does.

Speaker 3 (01:28:15):
All of this work. He could have left you in slavery,
but for that you could have stayed and captive.

Speaker 1 (01:28:23):
You still didn't get to the Promised Land because it
takes one decision to change the entire trajectory of your life.
And that one decision to follow Moses got them where
forty years of wilderness, and then we're back in bondage
because they never made to the Promised Land.

Speaker 2 (01:28:42):
Wow.

Speaker 3 (01:28:42):
And so again it's not to deem Moses. We know
Moses was doing God's job. He just was disobedient.

Speaker 2 (01:28:47):
Though.

Speaker 1 (01:28:48):
I just want folks to really be careful to your
point of who they're listening to and do your due diligence.
Don't look at someone and say, well, because this man
you know has three kids by three different women, there's
nothing I can learn from him. Let us see if
what he's doing now is breathing the results that you want.
Let's not look at a woman who doesn't have kids
or a man who doesn't have a certain career.

Speaker 3 (01:29:09):
Phil Jackson, how many years of basketball he played?

Speaker 4 (01:29:13):
He playing, he was on the next team. But Bill
Belichick is better. He didn't play football.

Speaker 3 (01:29:19):
But Phil also didn't do nothing Kobe and the people
he coached did No.

Speaker 2 (01:29:23):
No, he didn't play at that He didn't play at
that level.

Speaker 1 (01:29:25):
But was he is he one of the best coaches? Yes,
arguably Okay, And you can go with Bill Belichick same thing. Yes,
oh ge, the Hall of Fame coach in my.

Speaker 3 (01:29:34):
Opinion, didn't coach Sabing. Okay.

Speaker 1 (01:29:37):
So my point is those people are folks who are
wise canceled because they're taking you to the promised land
right and allowing you to enter. So we got to
be careful with that. And so again I'm teaching people
results that I have.

Speaker 3 (01:29:51):
If I don't have the results, I don't teach on
it because I don't know about it.

Speaker 1 (01:29:55):
And if I have had the experience but it didn't
get me, wisdo them or a good result?

Speaker 3 (01:30:01):
I'm not going to talk to you about it.

Speaker 1 (01:30:03):
I have a wise counsel for that, wow, because I'm
not gonna know at all. But I do want to
give you what I do know works.

Speaker 3 (01:30:09):
You're very fair you.

Speaker 4 (01:30:10):
Do a lot for the Black community women. Black women
are some of, if not the most educated, but seem
to be losing in the job market at an alarming rate.

Speaker 2 (01:30:23):
Why do you think that is?

Speaker 3 (01:30:24):
Why do I think Black women are losing in the
job market, but they're the.

Speaker 1 (01:30:27):
Highest We are the highest educated folks out here. You
said that, part O, can I want to make sure.
I want to make sure I think that so I
think that what's happening is more Black women and studies
have shown this are turning to entrepreneurship.

Speaker 3 (01:30:42):
So it's not that we're losing.

Speaker 1 (01:30:43):
In the black in the work in the workforce, it's
that we are not really applying in the workforce. A
lot of us are going into and studies have shown
that a lot of women have gone to law school,
which means they're having their.

Speaker 3 (01:30:55):
Own law firms, so not being hired by anybody.

Speaker 1 (01:30:57):
They are going back to get their doctorate, meaning they're
going in private practice, sohere they hired by unless they're
working for a hospital. And a lot of women are
starting their own entrepreneurship and doing their own thing. A
lot of Black women, let me say, are starting their
own businesses. And what I love about that most is
these businesses are businesses that are actually they're able to
capitalize off of them, and they're successful businesses. And I
believe the reason for that is there is or has

(01:31:20):
been for a while, a sisterhood that black women have
been able to build.

Speaker 3 (01:31:25):
There's no longer this barrier or.

Speaker 1 (01:31:28):
Angry black women between black women, Like we have a
village over here. We supporting each other, We are rocking
with each other. And the issue is us trying to
blend with y'all. And it's not y'all fault. It's just
so that we don't have this barrier of this gender war.
And it's not us against y'all. It's more of how
do we blend and support each other even if we're

(01:31:50):
not pro creating or marrying or creating a family. How
do we support each other just as community folks, just
as a black woman to a black man and what
does that look like? And again, this has nothing to
do with where the black men dates a non black woman.
I'm saying as a black man, I don't care who
your date, you can still support a black woman because
you believe in that. Because if you're a black man,

(01:32:10):
there is a one chance that if you have a daughter.

Speaker 3 (01:32:14):
She's black. I don't care what a mammy is, which
means you do have.

Speaker 1 (01:32:19):
A responsibility to support us because in return, you're supporting
her right, and that's important.

Speaker 2 (01:32:27):
Doc. What is the.

Speaker 4 (01:32:29):
How do I want to phrase this a relationship? Because
you get into a relationship Today is Tuesday. We get
in a relationship on Tuesday and Wednesday that person is
a different person. Thursday, that person is a different person.
Because the greatest a key to survival is adaptability. How
do you evolve every day as that person evolve without

(01:32:50):
losing yourself?

Speaker 3 (01:32:51):
I love that.

Speaker 1 (01:32:52):
It's impossible, right. I think the Bible says cleave one person,
one person.

Speaker 3 (01:32:59):
This is cleaving.

Speaker 1 (01:33:01):
Do you think that as we don't lose ourself, we
are going to not cleave? So when we bump up
against each other, there has to be some movement, which
is a bit of a loss of a sulf doesn't
mean you become out in person before we can intertwine
and cleave. That means you have to be willing to
lose some pieces of you. And this is the thing.

Speaker 3 (01:33:20):
When you're single. Don't you want to evolve?

Speaker 2 (01:33:22):
Yes?

Speaker 3 (01:33:23):
Don't you want to prune? Or do you want to
be a fig tree.

Speaker 1 (01:33:27):
You know, the fig tree in the Bible got cursed
because it didn't produce anything.

Speaker 3 (01:33:31):
God said, you're never be blessed because you weren't fruitful multiplied.

Speaker 2 (01:33:34):
That's why people don't like figsh But on the.

Speaker 1 (01:33:36):
Flip side, you know, the fig tree is actually the
most fruitful tree ever.

Speaker 3 (01:33:40):
It grows you're around.

Speaker 1 (01:33:41):
But let me say this, when you are by yourself,
you want to evolve, yes, which means parts of you die.
So why get in a relationship? And I love this
question for black men and black women, especially black men.
Evolution is about parts of you dying. So why is
it that y'all okay with doing it when you're by yourself?

(01:34:02):
Why is it that when you get with a.

Speaker 3 (01:34:04):
Woman and that is a necessity, it's she's either trying
to mother you, trying to change you, or you're not
willing to do it.

Speaker 1 (01:34:12):
That makes no sense at all, because you have to evolve.
An evolution is parts of you dying. That means you're
losing parts of you, yes, But when you get into
a relationship, you're resistant at losing parts of you that
are necessary for you to cleave with the person you
want to spend the rest of your life with If that
is what's necessary for the bigger picture, for the mansion

(01:34:35):
within y'all, the sanctuary within y'all, why is that an issue?
I want to ask you that as a black man,
why is that a problem for y'all to cleave which
means evolve, which means lose parts of you when you
are in a relationship. Why is there so much resistance
of I am who I am. I'm not changing. You
met me like this?

Speaker 4 (01:34:54):
Yeah, yeah, that's a lot because because like you said,
we are losing parts. If we lose parts of ourself,
Am I still the same?

Speaker 2 (01:35:07):
Shehnnon?

Speaker 1 (01:35:08):
But why do you want to be the same Shannon
even if you're by yours? So do you want to
be the same third of your Shannon?

Speaker 2 (01:35:13):
Nope?

Speaker 3 (01:35:14):
No, no, So then why.

Speaker 1 (01:35:15):
Do you want to be that? On your number two
with me? Are you number five with me? Why is
it that me being the woman you chose? I gotta
be of some good care. So my good character hasn't
influenced you in any way to want it? Maybe you
want to do right, to do better?

Speaker 3 (01:35:31):
Yeah, to do right? I haven't watered any seeds in you?

Speaker 2 (01:35:36):
Yeah you have?

Speaker 1 (01:35:37):
And so when those seeds are watered right and you
start to grow. What about the pruning season within our relationship?
So you just don't want to prune, because if you
don't want to prune, that means you don't want.

Speaker 3 (01:35:48):
To grow because it takes pruning for growth. So explain
to me.

Speaker 1 (01:35:53):
And even when we sew up the sawyer to plant
new seeds, there's seeds down there that get sewed up
that ended up dead. So at what point do we
grow together? This is one of the biggest deficits and
issues within our black community, a black and men being
a relationship. At what point do we grow if you're
not willing to grow fig tree?

Speaker 3 (01:36:14):
At what point? And then when God curses this marriage had.

Speaker 1 (01:36:20):
Because you covering me, because you refused to be fruitful
multiply fix tree? Then what I didn't do my job?
Or was I too controlling? Or was I trying to
be your mama? Or was it that you chose to
sit up there with branches unfruitful, not multiplying because you
didn't want to be pruned for us to grow.

Speaker 3 (01:36:43):
I'm just caring waiting another answer.

Speaker 2 (01:36:44):
I wish I knew the answer.

Speaker 1 (01:36:46):
And you look like you might be the only black
men in this room besides the brother over there, and
he not in this interview with me.

Speaker 3 (01:36:51):
So why m M. You got to answer? You got
to come?

Speaker 4 (01:36:55):
What do if I knew that, I probably wouldn't be
almost sixty and not married.

Speaker 3 (01:37:02):
And I've heard you talk about how you are in relationships.

Speaker 2 (01:37:05):
I mean you're like you said, you got something, I
got something right.

Speaker 3 (01:37:08):
But but you're.

Speaker 1 (01:37:09):
Very And I don't say this to you, know, poke
you I'm saying, you know, wrapped in love. You're very
stuck in who you are in relationships. Yah, yeah, you're
very This is who I am. And when I want
my space, I want my space and I don't need
a shift or change. You can do what's conducive to
me type thing. Yeah, and so that is the resistance.
But you just said, as a single man, you would
not want to be the same thirty year old thirty

(01:37:31):
year old.

Speaker 2 (01:37:31):
You are now I don't, but I just so, why.

Speaker 3 (01:37:35):
Do you want a woman to be with you? Are
you the same person you were when I met you.

Speaker 2 (01:37:41):
I'm working. I'm a work in progress.

Speaker 4 (01:37:42):
It's taking me longer than an anticipated you know, I
had to repeat a couple of grades.

Speaker 2 (01:37:46):
Okay, I think uh to be honest, Doc, I.

Speaker 4 (01:37:52):
Don't know, like like I don't know, maybe like you say,
you you had this vision of being mad. I don't
know if I really really deep down and I thought
about I was gonna ever be married because I was
just my whole focus was to get my family out
of the environment that we're in. And I didn't necessarily
think I thought I needed a wife in order to
do that. So it was just work, work, work, focused, focused, focus.

(01:38:13):
And I don't do a great I don't do a
great job of multitasking, so I can't do my job
and love this person like I love this job. That's
the hardest part because I've always put work first. Work
has always come first. When I played, it was the
most important thing. It was the only thing. You play second,
or if you can't play second, just we we we
ain't no sense in you're getting in the car. And

(01:38:35):
so it's it's so hard for me to turn that
off because I've done it for so long, and now
that I have so many people counting on me, you know,
brother suster, mom, kids, it's just it's just.

Speaker 2 (01:38:47):
Hard for me.

Speaker 4 (01:38:48):
And and you know, the thing that I got that's
all you do is work. The only thing that you
care about is work. And sometimes I think that is
true because I've never I've gone on one vacation and
in fifty seven years.

Speaker 1 (01:39:02):
But what are you overcompensating for? Because workaholics are overcompensating
for something they're lacking. And oftentimes work is transactional. Yes,
it's not relational.

Speaker 3 (01:39:14):
It's transactional.

Speaker 1 (01:39:15):
Yes, oftentimes folks will overcompensate in transactional worlds for what
they're lacking in relational worlds.

Speaker 3 (01:39:22):
And it's usual because of what you said. They don't
know how to operate in the relational world. No, but
they do well over here. I do, and we all
go where we do what.

Speaker 4 (01:39:33):
Yes, that's why I don't have it. I don't do
a whole lot of things. But what I do do
I'm very good at. Yeah, I don't take on new
hobbies because I hate Well, how.

Speaker 2 (01:39:42):
Do you know if you're good at it? I know?

Speaker 4 (01:39:44):
And so what I'm good at I become great at
I think.

Speaker 1 (01:39:48):
But I want to know, when are you going to
give yourself a chance to love and be loved? Because
you don't have to enter into it being great already,
you just have to enter into it with the willingness
to shift and be malleable not to the woman, but
to the opportunity of you being loved and loving somebody back. Yeah,

(01:40:12):
which is really, you know, the ultimate fulfillment. The reason
why we have to keep working and keep working and
keep working and turn into workaholics is because there is
a monetary or a limited fulfillment over here.

Speaker 3 (01:40:29):
Yeah, so we have.

Speaker 1 (01:40:30):
To keep to get it, like a drug to get it. Yes,
But see, love is.

Speaker 4 (01:40:35):
Not like that, it's not, I think, Doc. For me,
growing up, how I grew up and not having it
just drove me. And that was the thing that I
really obsessed about, was to like to see my grandmother,
not have to worry about bills and not have to
worry about things. And so I just poured everything. God
gave me the ability to be disciplined, be dedicated, and

(01:40:57):
be determined. And so for me not to a woman, No,
because if there was a choice, Doc, if I had
a choice between work a woman, I'm choosing work.

Speaker 1 (01:41:10):
But that's because work is safe for you. It is
what is so unsafe with you emotionally with the women.

Speaker 4 (01:41:17):
I think for me, I haven't had the best luck
with women. Why but I haven't been the best for them.

Speaker 3 (01:41:26):
That's okay. Talk about the luck. What is the narrative
around you haven't had the best luck with women.

Speaker 4 (01:41:33):
Because I've never given them all of me, like I
have a job. I've I only gave them what they
couldn't hurt.

Speaker 3 (01:41:43):
There you go, this is good. What is it that
they could hurt? What's that.

Speaker 2 (01:41:53):
Me?

Speaker 3 (01:41:55):
What part are you my heart that was hurt? When?
When was the first heartbreak you can even think of?

Speaker 2 (01:42:03):
I don't even.

Speaker 3 (01:42:05):
Who was it by.

Speaker 2 (01:42:08):
I'm not even sure, doc, because I where's dad?

Speaker 4 (01:42:13):
My dad died when I was My dad died when
I was when I was thirteen?

Speaker 3 (01:42:18):
Was he with mom?

Speaker 2 (01:42:19):
No?

Speaker 3 (01:42:19):
What kind of guy was he?

Speaker 4 (01:42:22):
I only saw my dad? Wants to really know who
I was looking at?

Speaker 3 (01:42:25):
There you go, There you go. So that abandonment, that abandonment, woe?

Speaker 4 (01:42:33):
What is it?

Speaker 1 (01:42:33):
What is your narrative about your father? What kind of
guy was he? To only have seen him once?

Speaker 2 (01:42:38):
Well?

Speaker 4 (01:42:39):
When he and my mom divorced my grandfather, you know,
growing up how we grew up getting divorced. The kids
are going with the maternal grandparents, and that's what that's
what we did. We came down down to South.

Speaker 1 (01:42:51):
George, let me let me word a different then what
kind of father would you have to be to only
see your child.

Speaker 3 (01:42:59):
Wants and thirty years.

Speaker 4 (01:43:00):
I think he was embarrassed about what not being what
he wanted. He wanted what he thought he should have been,
not being there. My dad had some drinking issues and
he didn't think he was the father that he should
have been. And I remember my grandmother, Grandma Childie. His
mom told us that he wanted to come home, but

(01:43:22):
at that point in time, he had had both jawbones
removed because of cancer, and he didn't want he said
he Grandma Childie, he called it Charlie. He said, Charlie,
I don't want the kids to see me like this.
And she said, Pete, they gonna love you regardless. They
just want to see their dad. And he said, you
know what, he said, you know what, child, I'm gonna
come home in September.

Speaker 2 (01:43:39):
Well he died in August, and so.

Speaker 4 (01:43:44):
Yeah, I would have loved because I when I when
I played college ball and I played in the NFL,
and I saw guys have.

Speaker 2 (01:43:49):
Their dad in the locker room or standing on the sideline.

Speaker 4 (01:43:52):
I used to think, man, it'd be so cool to
have my dad here and and and to to be
a part of this, but it it didn't happen. But
you know, my grandfather died when I was eight, and
that's who raised my grandmother and my grandfather. But granted
poured every ounce into me. But there are some things
I think that I did miss because I didn't.

Speaker 2 (01:44:12):
Have uh huh.

Speaker 4 (01:44:15):
My brother was like my father. He was really the
dominant male figure that was in my life. But that's Doctor,
I mean, poverty, that's what that's what kind of shaped
me and I you know, I joked and I said, man,
we grew up so poor. I had to win the
lottery just to be broke. That's how bad we were, Doc,

(01:44:35):
And that's what drives me.

Speaker 2 (01:44:36):
Now.

Speaker 4 (01:44:37):
All I think about is like, Okay, if something happens
to me, what's gonna happen to Libby, what's gonna happen
to spank It, what's gonna happen to my mom?

Speaker 2 (01:44:45):
My kids?

Speaker 4 (01:44:45):
Were they gonna they're gonna be okay, they're gonna get
more money than what they do right by what they
And that's what keeps me up at night. And I
need to devote I need to shift that instead of okay, Shannon,
if something would have happened to you, your k your
family's gonna be okay, because I do want someone, and.

Speaker 1 (01:45:06):
I'm go'a say something, okay, and I I totally wrap
it in love, okay, cause it's good. Probably sound a
little poky, but the same selfishness you just describe your
father has, you have it. You have it, and the
pain that his selfishness and his pride and his ego

(01:45:30):
implement it in you is the same pain that you're
implementing in everyone you come in contact with, including your
girls and their mothers. What your father taught you was nobody,
not even y'all, were good enough for him to come
around or stay around. And nothing has been good enough
for you to stay around, not even your kids because

(01:45:53):
you obviously are not or we're not with their mothers right.
And it doesn't make you a bad man. It just
makes you a man that needs to be aware of
your makeup and how you're built because you can't change
that when we talked about it earlier. You can manage
that once you realize, damn, I'm him too. So until
you realize that ego, that pride that he has it,

(01:46:16):
he has taught you and it's obviously in your DNA
as well. And that selfishness is what will always be
a barrier between you and your heart, not you and
a woman, it's you in your heart. Then you will
always overcompensate and work, and you're gonna do damn good
over here. But it's gonna come a time, if it
hasn't already, that what you're overcompensating for, which is the

(01:46:38):
heart space, starts to consume you. And you're gonna need
that to even balance you over here, because we can
only do something out of moderation for so long. Right
before the moderation says, yo, what's up? Especially the matters
of the heart, and with you, it's what I said earlier, right,

(01:46:58):
Hope deferm makes the heart sick. And when a little
boy becomes deferred from hope at a young age with
his father and they take on the father role like
you did and go and get it and put the
family on the mat and take everybody out of poverty.

Speaker 3 (01:47:14):
Usually never returns to find himself.

Speaker 1 (01:47:19):
And the only thing, or one of the biggest things
that kind of breaks my heart with you is you've
accomplished so much in everything you've touched transactionally, it has
turned to gold all the way down to the gold jacket.
But like the fig tree, you still haven't found yourself
all the way at the age of sixty.

Speaker 3 (01:47:41):
And finding yourself takes the heart.

Speaker 2 (01:47:46):
The mind replays what the heart can delete.

Speaker 1 (01:47:48):
Hello, And so you have been operating from such a
mind space so that you don't have to even have
a connection with the heart that it has put you
in such a deficit of self. And that's what goes
back to what I said. A man who can pro
create with multiple women without wanting to make sure that

(01:48:12):
there is a foundation or family there, he has a
loss of self.

Speaker 3 (01:48:17):
And that man has an identity.

Speaker 1 (01:48:18):
Crisis, and there is a huge self love deficit, because
a man who loves himself makes decisions that represent self love.
And everything that you have externalized is a direct reflection
of you. The brokenness in the families you created, that's
just the brokeness in you. How you can be successful transactionally,
but your heart is over here talking about well, at

(01:48:41):
what point am I gonna get seen? And then what
the little boy and you tells the heart is, didn't
nobody want to see you when you was young?

Speaker 3 (01:48:49):
Won't nobody tripping off you.

Speaker 1 (01:48:51):
Then, So why do we think anybody is deserving right,
or why do I think, as a little boy, that
you're deserving of some who would take your heart and
really protect it and create a safe space so it's
easier for you to have transactional sex or I have
things that are convenient for you because that gives you control,
and control is just in security, and security is just fear.

(01:49:12):
And that's that little boy in you who are so
afraid that if I can't touch and go and touch
and go with everything, I might end up touching staying
and might get stuck in a place that I don't
know how to navigate. Let me say this again, not
in a place that isn't safe, not in a place
that isn't loving, but in a place that the little
boor in you does.

Speaker 3 (01:49:31):
Not know how to navigate.

Speaker 1 (01:49:32):
It's time for the grown man in you to grow
the food and give yourself a chance to love whatever
that looks like, and to gain a sense of self
of who you really are at your heart space. Because
transactional life isn't really legacy.

Speaker 3 (01:49:48):
It just isn't.

Speaker 1 (01:49:49):
It's nice on paper, yeah, but it's not legacy. The
real wealth and the real legacy is what Dion has
and that's family. That's family. And I'm not saying you
don't have it with your girls, and I'm not saying
it's too to create it right, But what I'm saying
is I would like to offer that at some point
you do start to say, let me just dive into
my heart by myself, even.

Speaker 3 (01:50:08):
If you still doing your transactional stuff with women or whatever.

Speaker 1 (01:50:10):
I'm saying, stop you've grown, but start to just get
a sense of self of like who you are at
the heart space, because that's what our heart is, who
we are. Our mind is something that we have to
have dominion over to control, but our heart is something
we can't control because it's the authenticity of who.

Speaker 3 (01:50:26):
We really are.

Speaker 4 (01:50:28):
Well, since you put it, like, since that, what is
it about good girls and bad guys?

Speaker 1 (01:50:33):
What is it about good girls who like bad guys? Yes,
you mean like the women who've been liking you.

Speaker 2 (01:50:41):
I guess you could say thatche.

Speaker 3 (01:50:43):
Gotta get crafty.

Speaker 1 (01:50:46):
I think that those women, again are women who are
overcompensating for that kind of fatherly bad guy who can
come in and create a leadership that they believe leadership is.

(01:51:06):
Usually those women are fatherless little girls who don't have
a clue on what leadership, healthy leadership looks like.

Speaker 3 (01:51:13):
So they look at the bad guy.

Speaker 1 (01:51:15):
Who can puff his chest out and who can call shots,
or who can have some control over her, as this
is leadership because he's given me some type of guidance,
some type of direction. Yes, a woman who has had
a father knows how to decipher from a controlling man
who's the bad guy, and a man who knows how

(01:51:35):
to lead her. And what happens is is not that
the woman with the father doesn't want a man who
can run shit, because I like a man who will
run shit, wh will tell me exactly where to go,
how to go. And I'm even okay with saying how
high when he say jump. When the leadership is right,
I'm quick to submit. Okay, daddy, no problem. But a
man who is a bad guy with ill intent, because

(01:51:57):
if you don't have good intent, you have illness.

Speaker 3 (01:52:00):
There is no look warm. Okay, that's it. So you're
either deceiving me or you're.

Speaker 1 (01:52:06):
Allowing me to say space where I can trust you.
There's no in between. So the bad guy is in
deception and only a woman who wants.

Speaker 3 (01:52:14):
To be led by a deceiver is a.

Speaker 1 (01:52:16):
Woman who is lost in herself, but a woman who
is not lost in herself and has a sense of
self and a sense of what a male, healthy leader
looks like.

Speaker 3 (01:52:25):
Like my father led me not to a ditch, but
led me even when he had to crucify himself to
lead me.

Speaker 1 (01:52:35):
That is what a husband looks to me. A bad
guy says, I'm not crucifiing nothing over here. You'll be
on the cross before me, and here you can carry
minds too, because that's what's conducive for me. That's a
woman who was lost in the sauce, and she has
daddy issues, and oftentimes she may even have parential issues.
And that's also a woman who has to take a
step back and take inventory on worre did I learn

(01:52:57):
that this leadership is accurate leadership? If I keep being
led into the ditch, that means that all she's ever
known is what the ditch. And when I say, we
go to places where we're good at, or where what
we're familiar with. So if you want to know where
you at, just understand that you are where you're familiar at.

(01:53:19):
So my expectations are of men are very high because
my father created a very high, familiar standard expectation. This
is why I said a woman is what her daddy
makes her, especially when it comes to men. My dad
actually made the expectation too high.

Speaker 3 (01:53:34):
And then he had to tell me, like, baby, you're
gonna keep being the brides maid, not the bride if
you keep having these unrealistic expectations. And I'm looking like,
well to explain to me. Every man's not gonna be daddy.
He can be daddy to you in his own way.
It may not look like this.

Speaker 1 (01:53:53):
Yes, it doesn't mean he's not a good guy when
it comes to you. So that's what it is. It's
folks now understanding what healthy leadership is. Men do the
same thing men, will you know, pick women who run them,
emasculate them, verbally, abused in talk to them anyway. Because
for that man, that's all he knew was that that

(01:54:14):
is how a woman leads.

Speaker 4 (01:54:16):
This concludes the first half of my conversation. Part two
is also posted and you can access it to whichever
podcast platform you just listen to part one on. Just
simply go back to Club Shashay profile and I'll see
you there.

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Club Shay Shay - Dr. Cheyenne Bryant Part 1

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Host

Shannon Sharpe

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