December 28, 2023 • 36 mins
Darren and Donny explore self-abandonment's impact on our lives and relationships, discussing familiar behaviors like people-pleasing and conflict avoidance. They share personal stories, emphasizing the importance of recognizing our self-worth and taking charge of our lives.
Offering practical tips for self-care and breaking free from societal conditioning, the hosts conclude with a powerful reminder: by valuing ourselves, we can authentically pour love into others. Join this empowering conversation to start a journey toward self-love and fulfillment.
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DARREN WALLER
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DONNY STARKINS
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:04):
Comeback Stories is a production of Inflection Network and iHeartRadio.
Speaker 2 (00:15):
Welcome back, everyone to another episode of Comeback Stories. I'm
one and half of your co hosts, Darren Waller here
with my man, my brother, mister Donnie Starkins. Donnie, how
are we doing today?
Speaker 3 (00:25):
I'm doing well. I'm excited for what we're going to
dive into today.
Speaker 2 (00:29):
Oh yeah, this is big, you know, for anybody that's new,
We've been as our show has been unfolding. We've been
chugging along now for a couple of years. We Comeback
Stories was built on, you know, stories being told about
people overcoming adversity, overcoming the challenges in their lives and
the perspectives taken from that. And that's still a huge
(00:50):
part of our show, right but we feel like the
meaning of comeback has evolved in a way. In one
of those evolutions of comeback is returning back to our true, real,
authentic selves, coming back home to our centers and who
we really are. And so the title of today's episode,
we're gonna call coming back from a life of self abandonment.
(01:13):
And so, Donnie, I want to ask you first, when
you hear that title, when you hear coming back from
self abandonment. What comes to your mind? Is it your
own experience is talk to me bro.
Speaker 3 (01:23):
Oh man, it's like, it's my whole life. The recognition
of it happening in my whole life and now, you know,
most of my life not having the awareness of it,
but now having the awareness of it doesn't always make
it easier. Like when you wake up to some of
this stuff, it's it's really hard work. And as you're
(01:46):
saying this, like you know, in this topic, like it's
all in relationships, right, and for me it's people pleasing
and caring what other people think. And this is like
again we've talked about the enneagram and I'm an achiever
on the Enneagram, and achievers can achieve a lot of things,
but from an ego, false self, it's it's it's not healthy, right,
You're you're trying, You're I care what other people think.
(02:08):
And so to watch that still unfolding relationships to this day,
it's like, well, I guess I'll just be working on
this my whole life, Like that's what I've surrendered to.
Speaker 2 (02:18):
Yeah, no doubt, man, As you say that, I watched
on Prime Video last night. If anyone doesn't know who
ram Das is. You guys should definitely go check him out.
He's a spiritual teacher, one of the most amazing that
we've seen. But he had They made a documentary. It
was called Becoming Nobody, and uh, you know one of
the beginning parts you talked about when he was born,
(02:39):
and he painted this picture of like when we come
into Earth and we're born as human beings, we're like
aliens and we come to this new foreign place and
we're like putting on our spacesuit and as we learn
to walk and you know, grab things and all these
simple motor skills, we're being brought up in this world
that values our spacesuit and it's like, oh, and he's
(03:01):
a top paints his analogy like, oh man, all we
want to do is how people tell us how nice
our space suit is and that that did it so
much for me because you know, in this world, I
feel like we're taught to value the physical. We're taught
to value the external more than we are our internal.
And so we begin since young kids that you know,
(03:23):
what we should value the most is our acceptance by
the world. We should value results and outcomes more so
than we should just the process of growing as a
human being. You know, doing is taught to us more
so than being is. And I mean I can think
of how early it was for me when self abandoning began,
(03:46):
and for anybody that's like, what is self abandonment exactly?
I see the definition as things that are me, things
that I love about myself. I sacrifice those because I
feel like I should be what the world wants me
to be. I should be what's normal. I should be
(04:06):
what's accepted. And anytime that we choose to do that,
you know, we're shutting off who we really are and
who the world deserves us authentically as we are. And
I remember doing that as early as elementary school. Like
I've talked about on the show numerous times, like the
wound of not being black enough. So that's like, okay,
(04:27):
like me, as I am, as just this black kid
who may be different than everybody else, how do I
push whatever's me to the side so I could be
more like them? And it shows up all over the place.
I mean, we can go through my whole story all day,
but just going back to where it began and where
I knew that I was making the choice to abandon
(04:48):
myself but didn't know the repercussions of it.
Speaker 3 (04:51):
Man. I mean, I'm just thinking about both of our journeys, right,
and just thinking about my path when you talk about
these things, for me the most, I think, so the
self abandonment for me is it's like conflict aversion, Like
I struggle with conflict, and so it plays out in
(05:14):
self abandonment and just like carrying what other people think,
right and and and a lot of times it's the
people that we love the most. So then what that
turns into, like we start to live with these code
dependent perfectionists, people pleasing thoughts and habits. Where we define
being codependent think is like chronically our self worth is
(05:37):
about external things like you're talking about, right, And it's
it's we have to find we have to come back
to our truth. And that's why these these tests, these
personality tests, and I was so blown away by the
Enneagram test as it identified me as an achiever was
my main one, and then peacemaker was my second one.
But it so much of it for me again was
(05:58):
conflict aversion and avoiding those things to keep the peace
because I didn't want to deal. And how does that
show up still to this day? Avoiding hard conversations. And
I tell people and I and this is my work
and I'm and I'm leaning into it and I've had
a lot of them lately. And Robin Sharma says, the
(06:19):
conversation you least want to have is the one you
need to have next. And man, it's a practice, even
even conversations around money.
Speaker 2 (06:26):
Right.
Speaker 3 (06:26):
A lot of my coaching that I've got coached on
is my energy around money. And it's just like breaking dysfunction,
right because our parents weren't given these tools and these
resources that we have today. So yeah, man, I'm I'm
so glad. I love these. I guess you call them
solo episodes where we don't have a guest because you know,
(06:48):
Darren and I just kind of flow. We don't have
a plan or a format. We have guests we want
to see and if it aligns, it aligns. But there's
so much that we can dive into. And honestly, for me,
this is like it's just selfish because it's super it's
healing for me. And I've shared it before, like, deep
meaningful relationships is a strong core value of mine and
(07:09):
the only way you can really have those is having deep,
meaningful conversations, and so any chance that I'm going to
get like, you know, a window with you with your
like crazy schedule, dude, I'm just like, let's let's drop in.
Speaker 2 (07:20):
We don't need a guest, right man. This the flow
of this is so natural because I mean, it's our
own stories, it's our own experiences, and I'm just like you,
I fear conflict as well. And it's like, why do
we fear conflict? It's because when conflict takes place, I
fear that it's gonna I'm going to be found out
for being a fraud or like prof it being proven
(07:46):
that I'm not worthy of love. I'm not worthy of
the good things in my life. I'm not worthy of
what God is blessing me with. So by all means,
I'm looking to avoid conflict and you know, keep the peace,
save face in order to so, okay, these things are
going well externally. That means I'm good internally as opposed
(08:08):
to showing up, okay, showing up more than enough. And
but we don't we don't learn that. You know, through
through self abandoning, you can start to feel like for
me in high school, it was like I started to
self abandoned as far as looking for love and just
being desperate for attention and approval. The self abandoning started
(08:31):
to work. The self abandoning started to look like me
being around cooler people. The self abandoning looked like me
going all in on athletics as my identity and starting
to see things pay off for me. And that's like
a lot of people, you know, we can that carried
on to when I was in the league. I mean
there's you look at people that have had fifty million
(08:54):
in the bank and you know, blow their brains out,
you know what I'm saying. So it's we look at
things like that. It's like, how is that even possible.
It's because along the way, I made choices that pushed
who I was, what I loved to decide in order
for the dream that I've been sold by the world,
by society, by my parents, by my friends. And if
(09:17):
we continue to make those choices and build our lives
on self abandonment without conscious awareness, we're gonna end up
in this place where it's like, man, I thought this
was gonna feel better. I thought this money was gonna
make all my problems go away. I thought being with
this person or having the hottest Chicken school or whatever
it was gonna make me feel like the man when
(09:40):
if you look back at all the choices that you made,
it was, you know, at the expense of yourself, you know,
over extending yourself in ways that doesn't allow you to
approach life from a place of balance and from a
place of loving yourself first. And these are things that
I'm realizing in real time, you know, the struggles that
come in my marriage, struggles that come in you know,
(10:02):
in the workplace and wherever you know, at the root
of it, there's usually always some level of self abandonment
and the resentment and the bitterness that comes from abandoning myself.
Speaker 3 (10:14):
Man, what you're saying is so relatable and so much
more profound for me personally than somebody dropping some knowledge
or research like that's I feel that so hard. And
I'm thinking back to me as this like brilliant, amazing
kid who starts to try to do everything to prove
(10:35):
my significance, to prove that, like you know, you know,
excuse me, that I that I matter right, And this
is how this is how I felt safe. It was
getting validation through external things. And what happens is so
we practice that our whole lives. And here we are
as adults with these these deep, deep rooted patterns, you know,
(10:58):
deep neural pathways with grooves in them that are really
hard to get out of. But Darren and I are
doing this podcast so that we can shine the light
of awareness onto things like share our shit and the
things we're going through. Like what you just said, I'm like, man,
this is what I need to hear every day, Like
this is the medicine, And you know, it excites me
(11:20):
to see how you can just so naturally drop in
and talk about this and you know, you'll never really
truly know how many people you're helping, and like it's
very clear to me that you're just getting started, you know.
Speaker 2 (11:34):
Yeah, man, sometimes I feel like I'm just learning how
to walk again, you know. And for anybody that may
be starting to feel like you relate to this idea
of self abandonment, I encourage you not to shame yourself
because I align with it, like totally completely, you know,
since I was five years old, and it's not a problem.
(11:56):
There's nothing wrong with you to feel like you identify
with this. This is you know something that like I
said that we're taught, and we're not taught how to
love ourselves in school. We're not taught emotional intelligence in school,
we're not taught self care practices. So these are things
that we're all learning and that's just going to make
(12:18):
our lives better. That's going to make us more whole
human beings and come to the table in our relationships,
in our workplaces, in our friendships as the person that
we want to show up as as the people that
we've been waiting on. And So if you're looking for, like,
what are some relatable, you know, things that you can
be aware of that would be a sign of self abandonment,
(12:42):
I would start with low self esteem is one where
you feel like you're not good enough. It may be
poor boundaries, You don't feel like you can say no
to people. You feel like you always have to say
yes to get that thumbs up from somebody else. You
may feel dependent on somebody else for your own worth
(13:03):
and your own value. And a couple for me that
really stand out are fear of rejection and abandonment, and
then as well as fear of intimacy. And on the
fear of intimacy, it's almost like you know, I crave
deep intimacy. But at the same time, I want to
push it away. You know, I'm dying for it. At
the same time, I'm so afraid of it and afraid
(13:25):
of messing it up that I continue to find ways
to push it away. And I'm so afraid of that
potential judgment, rejection, and just being left exiled by myself.
And it's just so heavy. But I hope that these
things will allow you to begin this practice of awareness
in your life and see how these things are showing up.
(13:48):
Because when you start to see these things as they
arise in the moment, that's the growth. That's when you're winning.
That's when you're starting to see the change. Because until
we're aware of these things and how that self abandonment
shows up in our lives, it's tough for us to
get some momentum going. It's tough to get the tires
out of the mud. And we want to see you
guys back on the road, back on the path of
(14:09):
really flourishing and thriving in your lives.
Speaker 3 (14:13):
Yeah, And if you've been following our show and listening
to all of our guests, I mean every guest just
drops some nugget that I hold on to and then
I pass along and then people are like, oh, that's
so profound. I'm like, it's not mine, Like nothing's mine,
there's no original thought anyways. You know, I just might
put my own little spin on it. But so many
just legends as far as like wisdom that I've learned
(14:35):
in our podcast, a lot of mine, when you're talking
about this, comes down to, you know, sitting with our
friend Don Bergeron who leads plant medicine ceremonies, and ultimately
getting to this place which I could never get to before.
So the reason that I did this was to gain
more spirituality and to get closer to God. And he
(14:58):
had asked me the question, he said, do you believe
that you are worthy of love? And I said yes?
And he's do you believe that you are love? And
I said yes, and I truly felt it in that moment.
And then we were talking about a certain situation that
I was like, really not surrendering the outcome, and he
(15:18):
just basically said, if it's not going to be this,
it's going to be something better because you're worthy of it.
And so you if you know that you're worthy of it,
you don't have to sacrifice for anybody or anything, and
anybody that comes into your life and sees that, like,
if you're seen from that place, you know you're going
to attract the right people. So I just think this
(15:39):
self abandonment cycle, it gets activated off like years of
pent up feelings of not feeling seen or appreciated, which
might be total bullshit, but we've been telling ourselves that story,
and so then they come they start to come out
sideways in our adult relationships. And I will tell this
story and I'm not afraid, like I have. A person
(16:00):
asked me at my retreat. They said, Donnie, do you
like handle your situation when you get in a conflict
with a partner or a parent or a family member?
Do you just like talk the way you're talking now?
And you know, it's just it's it's funny, because no,
I don't. Sometimes I turn into a five year old kid,
and that's literally what's happening, you know. So it's understanding
(16:21):
that and making sure that it doesn't start to come
out as resentment or irritability or we're annoyed. Right, It's
kind of like this little bullshit protest behavior I think
they call it, you know, trying to make the other
person feel guilty or blaming them, you know, or shaming
them if we're not happy, so we're not feeling fully seen,
right and then so we prochecked it out. The bottom
(16:43):
line is like it's all about figuring it out and
knowing that we're the only person that can give us this,
nobody else. And if you keep trying, even though if
you know that truth, if you keep trying the other way,
like you're the only one that can give you whatever
you're looking for. So like whatever you got to do
to surrender to that and do the work to trust
(17:03):
that and find what ever God that you believe in
that's going to get you to that place.
Speaker 2 (17:09):
Man, you get that had nail on the head on
so many things right there. I mean, you talk about
we're the only ones that can give us what we're
looking for. We can go to the ends of the
earth searching for things thinking that they can give us
what we're looking for. You know, money, romance, success, like
whatever the metric may be, it's all in empty longing.
(17:32):
And you know what you also said that I think
is so profound is that feeling like you need to
sacrifice yourself who you are. And that's a reality for me,
and I feel like for a lot of people that
are listening, like I felt like I had no choice
but to sacrifice myself or else I would just be
alone my whole life. I would nobody would want anything
(17:52):
to do with me. Women wouldn't want me, nobody would
think I was cool enough to just hang around and
kick it with. I felt like I had no choice
as that little kid, when really today, I feel like
the ultimate goal is to find a balance between standing
in my truth, knowing who I am, not sacrificing my needs,
my wants, what makes me feel alive, while at the
(18:16):
same time not going extreme with like not wanting to
please people at all. Like it's the balance between being
who I am, being authentically myself while also wanting desiring
to impact people in a positive way but not just
one or the other, not not impacting people at the
expense of myself, and not being so fixated in the
(18:37):
truth that I just use the truth as a weapon
on people. You know. It's that balance, and it's such
a tough place to get. I don't think we ever
fully get there or just arrived to that point and
it's like all right, like I'm here, I'm enlightened. I've
got this thing figured out. It's always work, it's always
constant awareness, it's always you know, being anchored in our
(18:58):
practices because the minute I'm not aware, the minute I'm
not conscious of of my desire to sacrifice in order
to feel okay, I'm gonna be right back in the pattern.
And that over self sacrificing was such a part of
my reality for so long that you get to a
(19:19):
point where you don't even you're not even able to
tell that you know, the difference between the self sacrificing
version of yourself and the person you really are, Like
I would just sacrifice and think that that was me
and not even challenge it and not even question it. So, yeah,
we just want to offer an extent compassion and love
to all you guys as we go about this, and
(19:41):
we talk about this because it's real in our lives
and we know to some extent it's real in you
guys as well. But there is a solution, There is
a way.
Speaker 3 (19:50):
There's a way, and you can't do it alone. And
if you are kind of feeling like you're doing it alone,
there are so many recent if you can't afford a
coach or a therapist. First, I would ask, like if
that's really true, and where you're spending your money and
where you're placing your value, because I mean, when shit
gets bad enough, you'll pay for a therapist if you
(20:10):
need it, you know, But we want to be proactive
on that. But I think it's it's just you know,
I think it's a lot of shining the light of
awareness because if if all of these things we're talking about,
like if you don't realize that you're actually angry at
yourself and actually these these broken down systems that actually
taught you to behave this way, you know, for for
(20:31):
actually overgiving this is like ownership. You know, Darren, we
talk about this all the time, and you're listening right now,
and you might have you might be going through some shit,
like a lot of shit, like maybe you feel like
nobody's ever experienced the level of whatever pain and trauma
you're going through and and just understanding that, like there
(20:52):
we are talking about this to to to bankrupt that story.
And the reason we're doing this, the reason Darren and
I are talking right now is because of pain. It's
because of of but it's also these broken down systems
that we had and it's why we talked so much
about a lot of this work. When you can shift
to like undoing and unlearning and letting go and not acquiring,
(21:17):
it's just it's just freeing ourselves from all of this stuff.
It's like in the Four Agreements of really, you know,
we agree upon these certain things when we were younger,
and it's so outdated these days, right, So we have
to we have to get clear and write our own
tenants for our life today. Otherwise you're just like you're
living a life that I don't know whose story might
(21:37):
it might be. It might be one of your parents,
it might be one your third grade boyfriend who said
you weren't pretty and you ran with it and have
been telling yourself you're not enough since. But I think
I just want to come back to being balanced and
compassion but also like take ownership of your life. I'm
telling you, when you stop blaming everybody else, even if
(22:00):
somebody really did some damage to you, to be able
to see it as an opportunityy to heal and maybe
help others through it or find a way. Because you
know that person who hurts you, they're not thinking about
you every day the way you're thinking about them. So
free yourself from that. Do yourself a favor, and you
know there's ways that you can do that you can
(22:21):
get on the internet, and there's amazing stuff I was
thinking about early on as a coach, even this exercise
like what we talked about today, right like I didn't
I kind of wanted to learn a little bit more
about it. I know I do it, like that's obvious,
but I don't have like a specific coaching exercise, and
so it was fun to kind of dive in and
understand this. I did this early as a coach, where
(22:42):
like maybe when I first started, somebody talked about boundaries
and I'm like, oh, like we'll get that next Well,
let's dive into that next session. And then I wasn't
really prepared with a session or felt like I had
the knowledge to teach it. But then I would dive
in and just re like go on the first page
of Google and you won't get past the first page
of just like amazing content. So my point is is
(23:04):
like you might be making some excuse, but the resources
are there. You just have to be willing to take
a little action.
Speaker 2 (23:13):
Hm. That's always the answer. And I don't know if
you're like me, But I've always wanted a path that
didn't take action, to where the answer could fall right
into my lap without me having to do anything or
stand up to anything, or deal with any type of
conflict or conversation. So that's a real thing. And uh,
(23:35):
something that you just said that I loved. I'm reading
Michael Gervais's book Shout Out to to Doughter g Yeah,
and it's talking to the theme of the book is, uh,
you know, stop worrying about what other people are thinking
of you and the idea of FOPO. And he has
this section in the book talking about the spotlight effect
(23:55):
and how like we as people, we shine the spotlight
on ourselves and we think other people are judging us
so hard and strictly in way that we're judging ourselves,
when really these people are so caught up in how
they look, how they feel, what they're afraid of, how
they're going to get through their day, how they're going
to perform at their job. And there's to the extent
(24:20):
that we think people are thinking about us, they are
it's not even close like they're thinking about themselves and
how they're they're just going to get by how they
feel like they're self abandoning, you know. So it's this
idea of it's not about showing up for them, it's
not about doing anything for somebody else, it's doing it
(24:42):
for ourselves. And what I've learned is the people in
my life, the people that love me unconditionally, they want
the real me. They want my truest self, whether it's
it isn't the greatest thing in the world to hear
or it's the most amazing feeling in the world to hear,
but showing up as our truer selves, that's what people
(25:03):
are from us, and that's what ultimately we want from
ourselves desperately, you know, all the time to commandon we're
you know, giving our power away, giving our peace away.
And that thing that we feel inside that just doesn't
feel right, that's our spirit yelling out like, hey, like
this this ain't it? Like Like when are you going
(25:25):
to start to do things for us in here? When
you're gonna start to do things for your inner child
that that younger version of you that's so desperately just
wanted to show up and say this is me. But
you know, things happened and it's it's okay. That those
things happen. And it's okay that you feel the way
that you feel today, but we cannot stay here, like
(25:46):
Donnie said, we have to take action that we cannot
choose to stay here or a time will come where
we're approaching our last breath and we'll look back on
our lives and uh and there might be a regretted
to And by no means do we want that to happen.
We want to. We want to be able to just
come back to who we are.
Speaker 3 (26:06):
Dude, so much there I feel like when we get
caught in this self abandonment cycle, we don't realize. Like
everything you're saying is that we're blocking ourselves from receiving love,
care and kindness and support and all of these things,
not only from ourselves but from everybody else. It's so
whether you know a lot about the subconscious and conscious mind,
(26:28):
you can just even google that and understand the difference
and understand that if you can't get a grip on
the subconscious mind, So just really basic, your subconscious mind,
they say these days it hijacks ninety percent of your life.
So so it's when you're in your mind, you're thinking,
you're you're not in your body. That is where the
(26:48):
subconscious is. And they say that that is formed from
ages zero to seven, So it's conditioning. It's things that
like you don't even remember that are happening that have
hijacked your whole life. I don't remember a lot from
those ages, but that's what's running the show. So you
have to take a step back and understand what is
(27:09):
all this old narrative and these old stories, and then
how what are the practices? What do I need to
do to first get willing to dig it out and
do whatever it takes to like free yourself from it?
And then I think that's like our purpose, right if
you really want to simplify your life, just free yourself.
Speaker 2 (27:32):
So when you say free yourself, that may seem overwhelming
to somebody that's listening right now, Like you, what would
you give as like the first step, like a practical
thing that somebody can start tonight before they go to
bed or when they wake up in the morning, like
to be on that track to freeing themselves, to be
on that track to coming back to their truest, most
(27:54):
authentic self. Like what's a just something that somebody can
just take that first step forward?
Speaker 3 (28:01):
Well, as you were asking that, what I did was
I took a deep breath, and for me, that is
like what brings me back into my body. And you
might say, okay, so just take a deep breath. Well
start there. If that's as intimate as you are with
your breath, is you'll take one deep breath a day.
But I'm telling you, at some point you're going to
(28:21):
understand that like when you can grab a hold of
your breath and you have practices, whether it's you know,
because you can control your breath. And that's why I
love teaching yoga and kind of dancing with the breath
where you can connect the breath and the mind and
body together as one, you know, so it becomes like
this dance. But yeah, I mean I could go on.
There's there's something I want to circle back to because
(28:43):
I don't want to lose it. You talked about carrying
what other people think, the fact that Michael gervea a
human performance like guru, that he would write his book
and take time focusing because he works with so many athletes.
Carrying what other people think is like and he was
the one that said carrying what other people think is
the modern days saber tooth Tiger. So shout out to
(29:05):
Michael Jerma. He said he'd come back on, So we'll
get him back on to promote the book and talk
about it. And I mean, this is what we're talking about.
So much of it comes rooted in carrying what other
people think.
Speaker 2 (29:17):
No doubt, and I feel like adding to what you
just said, the best way to begin on this journey
of no longer choosing to self abandon is looking directly
at your self care practices, like the smallest things of
your day, like when you wake up, Like what are
(29:38):
you doing that is catered towards your well being, towards
your peace, towards you know, how you want to live
your life that day? And that fuck it starts with
some type of meditation practice, some type of breathing practice
to center yourself. What about journaling are you finding a
way to if it's not journaling, just a way to
(30:00):
express what you're thinking, what you're feeling in the course
of a day, Like what you're proud of yourself for
situations that you wish you could have responded to better?
Like what are the ways in which we're getting those
things out? Things as simple as hydrating choosing to keep
yourself hydrated is a way to fuel your body and
(30:23):
is an act of self care. Is an act of
saying I am valuable, I'm worth it, so I'm going
to take care of everything that is me. Another thing is,
even if it's for five to ten minutes today, are
you taking the chance to do something that you enjoy,
to allow yourself to be in a playful state, to
allow you to be excited about what you're doing and
(30:44):
just take a break and smile and laugh and dance
whatever it may be, Like, how are you structuring that
into your day? And at the end of the day,
I don't think we can outrun sleep ever, So it's
just like simple things that we can start to implement
in our day that we don't even know are subconsciously
reinforcing the fact that I value myself. I'm gonna do
(31:07):
the necessary things to show up and to allow myself
to function in my highest vibration. And like Donnie says,
the non negotiables and keeping the promises that you make
to yourself, those things go a long way, those subtle messages,
because then those start to translate into relationships where it's
like I'm making the choices to value myself, because then
(31:28):
once I can start to see the reality of when
I start to value myself, I am then able to
pour into somebody else. You know, if my cup isn't full,
how I'm gonna be pouring nothing into somebody else, like
literally nothing, And you know, and then we could possibly
get to the point where, you know, I fill my
cup up so much that somebody may come up and
(31:50):
need to drink themselves and I'm able to give that
to them because I've poured so much into myself and
having myself to be in a position where it's healthy
for me to give I found myself in so many
situations relationships work where I pour so much into other people.
You know, you look back at the cup, there's nothing
(32:11):
for me there, and that's not the way that we
want to live. And so I went pretty far down
the road as far as explaining what self care could
lead to and lay the foundation for. But to get
back just to the practicality of it, and the basics
is the choices that you make in your day and
the things that you do to add value to yourself,
(32:32):
to fuel yourself to choose a greater wellbeing for yourself.
Those things go such a long way in the direction
that you're trying to go.
Speaker 3 (32:43):
Yeah, I would just add I mean, you nailed it all.
There's a couple questions for all the people pleasers out there,
like myself asking that question, like is there perfection is
in people pleasing or codependent thinking at the root of
this act of giving that I'm doing, Like, that's a
big one, Like what's my intention? Am I saying I
love you to hear I love you back? Or am
(33:03):
I saying I love you because my heart is feeling it? Like?
What is your intention? And then the other one is
like am I giving with the desire of trying to
get someone else to think or feel a certain way
about me? You know? It's like those that's all I
did my whole life, my whole life growing up as
(33:24):
a kid. It was just like so I was so
concerned and so you know, as I say that as
we wrap up this episode, this is deep conditioning, so
meaning we have to be patient, we have to be compassionate.
This is deep rooted. There's nothing wrong with you, it's
just a pattern of thinking and you're feeling something maybe anxious, afraid.
That's information that there's change that needs to happen. All
(33:48):
of this we're feeling is it's to activate change. And
I think a lot of times even in self abandonment, right,
won't we want to keep the peace, will stay in
the relationship, or will avoid the hard conversation. But meanwhile,
like I'm having the conversation in my head twenty times
a day, so I think it's just getting clear. And
you know, daring the way that you articulated things, and
(34:10):
I just want to acknowledge you for your your vulnerability
and the way that you flow and man, the way
that we flow. I mean, I know we could talk
about this all day long, and I know people are
listening that are that are relating to this, and that's
all we wanted to do is just to relate to y'all.
So we appreciate you staying consistent with us. And it's
a big deal to leave reviews on the podcast, and
(34:33):
even you know, a five star review or comments or
whatever is going to help us get this out to
more people. That's all we care about. And yeah, that's
why we drop.
Speaker 2 (34:42):
In no doubt, man, I feel like you have left
people with a lot to take away and as you
go on this journey, as we close. I hope that
you don't think that you have to be perfect in
this process, or that you have to be free of mistakes.
You know, I've always felt most of my life and
I'm one mistake away from being a band and then
(35:05):
being rejected, being fired. And that's no way to live.
Because at the end of the day, we're human and
we're going to make mistakes. We're going to drop the ball,
we're going to miss the mark. But it's about showing
up and valuing ourselves enough to the point where even
when I do make that mistake, even when I do
drop the ball, even when I do miss the mark,
(35:25):
I'm still worthy of love. I'm still me, I'm still okay,
I'm still enough, And that's the ultimate goal. And we
just want you guys to know that where wish you
every step the way when you get there, however long
it takes, and past that and beyond and even as
you live your life past that point, because we need
(35:47):
each other and we need you guys, So thank you
for tuning in. We appreciate you, and we'll see you
guys next week.
Speaker 1 (35:52):
Peace Comeback Stories is a production of Inflection Network and iHeartRadio.
For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, Visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,
or wherever you get your podcasts.
Comeback Stories is a production of Inflection Network and iHeartRadio.
Speaker 2 (00:15):
Welcome back, everyone to another episode of Comeback Stories. I'm
one and half of your co hosts, Darren Waller here
with my man, my brother, mister Donnie Starkins. Donnie, how
are we doing today?
Speaker 3 (00:25):
I'm doing well. I'm excited for what we're going to
dive into today.
Speaker 2 (00:29):
Oh yeah, this is big, you know, for anybody that's new,
We've been as our show has been unfolding. We've been
chugging along now for a couple of years. We Comeback
Stories was built on, you know, stories being told about
people overcoming adversity, overcoming the challenges in their lives and
the perspectives taken from that. And that's still a huge
(00:50):
part of our show, right but we feel like the
meaning of comeback has evolved in a way. In one
of those evolutions of comeback is returning back to our true, real,
authentic selves, coming back home to our centers and who
we really are. And so the title of today's episode,
we're gonna call coming back from a life of self abandonment.
(01:13):
And so, Donnie, I want to ask you first, when
you hear that title, when you hear coming back from
self abandonment. What comes to your mind? Is it your
own experience is talk to me bro.
Speaker 3 (01:23):
Oh man, it's like, it's my whole life. The recognition
of it happening in my whole life and now, you know,
most of my life not having the awareness of it,
but now having the awareness of it doesn't always make
it easier. Like when you wake up to some of
this stuff, it's it's really hard work. And as you're
(01:46):
saying this, like you know, in this topic, like it's
all in relationships, right, and for me it's people pleasing
and caring what other people think. And this is like
again we've talked about the enneagram and I'm an achiever
on the Enneagram, and achievers can achieve a lot of things,
but from an ego, false self, it's it's it's not healthy, right,
You're you're trying, You're I care what other people think.
(02:08):
And so to watch that still unfolding relationships to this day,
it's like, well, I guess I'll just be working on
this my whole life, Like that's what I've surrendered to.
Speaker 2 (02:18):
Yeah, no doubt, man, As you say that, I watched
on Prime Video last night. If anyone doesn't know who
ram Das is. You guys should definitely go check him out.
He's a spiritual teacher, one of the most amazing that
we've seen. But he had They made a documentary. It
was called Becoming Nobody, and uh, you know one of
the beginning parts you talked about when he was born,
(02:39):
and he painted this picture of like when we come
into Earth and we're born as human beings, we're like
aliens and we come to this new foreign place and
we're like putting on our spacesuit and as we learn
to walk and you know, grab things and all these
simple motor skills, we're being brought up in this world
that values our spacesuit and it's like, oh, and he's
(03:01):
a top paints his analogy like, oh man, all we
want to do is how people tell us how nice
our space suit is and that that did it so
much for me because you know, in this world, I
feel like we're taught to value the physical. We're taught
to value the external more than we are our internal.
And so we begin since young kids that you know,
(03:23):
what we should value the most is our acceptance by
the world. We should value results and outcomes more so
than we should just the process of growing as a
human being. You know, doing is taught to us more
so than being is. And I mean I can think
of how early it was for me when self abandoning began,
(03:46):
and for anybody that's like, what is self abandonment exactly?
I see the definition as things that are me, things
that I love about myself. I sacrifice those because I
feel like I should be what the world wants me
to be. I should be what's normal. I should be
(04:06):
what's accepted. And anytime that we choose to do that,
you know, we're shutting off who we really are and
who the world deserves us authentically as we are. And
I remember doing that as early as elementary school. Like
I've talked about on the show numerous times, like the
wound of not being black enough. So that's like, okay,
(04:27):
like me, as I am, as just this black kid
who may be different than everybody else, how do I
push whatever's me to the side so I could be
more like them? And it shows up all over the place.
I mean, we can go through my whole story all day,
but just going back to where it began and where
I knew that I was making the choice to abandon
(04:48):
myself but didn't know the repercussions of it.
Speaker 3 (04:51):
Man. I mean, I'm just thinking about both of our journeys, right,
and just thinking about my path when you talk about
these things, for me the most, I think, so the
self abandonment for me is it's like conflict aversion, Like
I struggle with conflict, and so it plays out in
(05:14):
self abandonment and just like carrying what other people think,
right and and and a lot of times it's the
people that we love the most. So then what that
turns into, like we start to live with these code
dependent perfectionists, people pleasing thoughts and habits. Where we define
being codependent think is like chronically our self worth is
(05:37):
about external things like you're talking about, right, And it's
it's we have to find we have to come back
to our truth. And that's why these these tests, these
personality tests, and I was so blown away by the
Enneagram test as it identified me as an achiever was
my main one, and then peacemaker was my second one.
But it so much of it for me again was
(05:58):
conflict aversion and avoiding those things to keep the peace
because I didn't want to deal. And how does that
show up still to this day? Avoiding hard conversations. And
I tell people and I and this is my work
and I'm and I'm leaning into it and I've had
a lot of them lately. And Robin Sharma says, the
(06:19):
conversation you least want to have is the one you
need to have next. And man, it's a practice, even
even conversations around money.
Speaker 2 (06:26):
Right.
Speaker 3 (06:26):
A lot of my coaching that I've got coached on
is my energy around money. And it's just like breaking dysfunction,
right because our parents weren't given these tools and these
resources that we have today. So yeah, man, I'm I'm
so glad. I love these. I guess you call them
solo episodes where we don't have a guest because you know,
(06:48):
Darren and I just kind of flow. We don't have
a plan or a format. We have guests we want
to see and if it aligns, it aligns. But there's
so much that we can dive into. And honestly, for me,
this is like it's just selfish because it's super it's
healing for me. And I've shared it before, like, deep
meaningful relationships is a strong core value of mine and
(07:09):
the only way you can really have those is having deep,
meaningful conversations, and so any chance that I'm going to
get like, you know, a window with you with your
like crazy schedule, dude, I'm just like, let's let's drop in.
Speaker 2 (07:20):
We don't need a guest, right man. This the flow
of this is so natural because I mean, it's our
own stories, it's our own experiences, and I'm just like you,
I fear conflict as well. And it's like, why do
we fear conflict? It's because when conflict takes place, I
fear that it's gonna I'm going to be found out
for being a fraud or like prof it being proven
(07:46):
that I'm not worthy of love. I'm not worthy of
the good things in my life. I'm not worthy of
what God is blessing me with. So by all means,
I'm looking to avoid conflict and you know, keep the peace,
save face in order to so, okay, these things are
going well externally. That means I'm good internally as opposed
(08:08):
to showing up, okay, showing up more than enough. And
but we don't we don't learn that. You know, through
through self abandoning, you can start to feel like for
me in high school, it was like I started to
self abandoned as far as looking for love and just
being desperate for attention and approval. The self abandoning started
(08:31):
to work. The self abandoning started to look like me
being around cooler people. The self abandoning looked like me
going all in on athletics as my identity and starting
to see things pay off for me. And that's like
a lot of people, you know, we can that carried
on to when I was in the league. I mean
there's you look at people that have had fifty million
(08:54):
in the bank and you know, blow their brains out,
you know what I'm saying. So it's we look at
things like that. It's like, how is that even possible.
It's because along the way, I made choices that pushed
who I was, what I loved to decide in order
for the dream that I've been sold by the world,
by society, by my parents, by my friends. And if
(09:17):
we continue to make those choices and build our lives
on self abandonment without conscious awareness, we're gonna end up
in this place where it's like, man, I thought this
was gonna feel better. I thought this money was gonna
make all my problems go away. I thought being with
this person or having the hottest Chicken school or whatever
it was gonna make me feel like the man when
(09:40):
if you look back at all the choices that you made,
it was, you know, at the expense of yourself, you know,
over extending yourself in ways that doesn't allow you to
approach life from a place of balance and from a
place of loving yourself first. And these are things that
I'm realizing in real time, you know, the struggles that
come in my marriage, struggles that come in you know,
(10:02):
in the workplace and wherever you know, at the root
of it, there's usually always some level of self abandonment
and the resentment and the bitterness that comes from abandoning myself.
Speaker 3 (10:14):
Man, what you're saying is so relatable and so much
more profound for me personally than somebody dropping some knowledge
or research like that's I feel that so hard. And
I'm thinking back to me as this like brilliant, amazing
kid who starts to try to do everything to prove
(10:35):
my significance, to prove that, like you know, you know,
excuse me, that I that I matter right, And this
is how this is how I felt safe. It was
getting validation through external things. And what happens is so
we practice that our whole lives. And here we are
as adults with these these deep, deep rooted patterns, you know,
(10:58):
deep neural pathways with grooves in them that are really
hard to get out of. But Darren and I are
doing this podcast so that we can shine the light
of awareness onto things like share our shit and the
things we're going through. Like what you just said, I'm like, man,
this is what I need to hear every day, Like
this is the medicine, And you know, it excites me
(11:20):
to see how you can just so naturally drop in
and talk about this and you know, you'll never really
truly know how many people you're helping, and like it's
very clear to me that you're just getting started, you know.
Speaker 2 (11:34):
Yeah, man, sometimes I feel like I'm just learning how
to walk again, you know. And for anybody that may
be starting to feel like you relate to this idea
of self abandonment, I encourage you not to shame yourself
because I align with it, like totally completely, you know,
since I was five years old, and it's not a problem.
(11:56):
There's nothing wrong with you to feel like you identify
with this. This is you know something that like I
said that we're taught, and we're not taught how to
love ourselves in school. We're not taught emotional intelligence in school,
we're not taught self care practices. So these are things
that we're all learning and that's just going to make
(12:18):
our lives better. That's going to make us more whole
human beings and come to the table in our relationships,
in our workplaces, in our friendships as the person that
we want to show up as as the people that
we've been waiting on. And So if you're looking for, like,
what are some relatable, you know, things that you can
be aware of that would be a sign of self abandonment,
(12:42):
I would start with low self esteem is one where
you feel like you're not good enough. It may be
poor boundaries, You don't feel like you can say no
to people. You feel like you always have to say
yes to get that thumbs up from somebody else. You
may feel dependent on somebody else for your own worth
(13:03):
and your own value. And a couple for me that
really stand out are fear of rejection and abandonment, and
then as well as fear of intimacy. And on the
fear of intimacy, it's almost like you know, I crave
deep intimacy. But at the same time, I want to
push it away. You know, I'm dying for it. At
the same time, I'm so afraid of it and afraid
(13:25):
of messing it up that I continue to find ways
to push it away. And I'm so afraid of that
potential judgment, rejection, and just being left exiled by myself.
And it's just so heavy. But I hope that these
things will allow you to begin this practice of awareness
in your life and see how these things are showing up.
(13:48):
Because when you start to see these things as they
arise in the moment, that's the growth. That's when you're winning.
That's when you're starting to see the change. Because until
we're aware of these things and how that self abandonment
shows up in our lives, it's tough for us to
get some momentum going. It's tough to get the tires
out of the mud. And we want to see you
guys back on the road, back on the path of
(14:09):
really flourishing and thriving in your lives.
Speaker 3 (14:13):
Yeah, And if you've been following our show and listening
to all of our guests, I mean every guest just
drops some nugget that I hold on to and then
I pass along and then people are like, oh, that's
so profound. I'm like, it's not mine, Like nothing's mine,
there's no original thought anyways. You know, I just might
put my own little spin on it. But so many
just legends as far as like wisdom that I've learned
(14:35):
in our podcast, a lot of mine, when you're talking
about this, comes down to, you know, sitting with our
friend Don Bergeron who leads plant medicine ceremonies, and ultimately
getting to this place which I could never get to before.
So the reason that I did this was to gain
more spirituality and to get closer to God. And he
(14:58):
had asked me the question, he said, do you believe
that you are worthy of love? And I said yes?
And he's do you believe that you are love? And
I said yes, and I truly felt it in that moment.
And then we were talking about a certain situation that
I was like, really not surrendering the outcome, and he
(15:18):
just basically said, if it's not going to be this,
it's going to be something better because you're worthy of it.
And so you if you know that you're worthy of it,
you don't have to sacrifice for anybody or anything, and
anybody that comes into your life and sees that, like,
if you're seen from that place, you know you're going
to attract the right people. So I just think this
(15:39):
self abandonment cycle, it gets activated off like years of
pent up feelings of not feeling seen or appreciated, which
might be total bullshit, but we've been telling ourselves that story,
and so then they come they start to come out
sideways in our adult relationships. And I will tell this
story and I'm not afraid, like I have. A person
(16:00):
asked me at my retreat. They said, Donnie, do you
like handle your situation when you get in a conflict
with a partner or a parent or a family member?
Do you just like talk the way you're talking now?
And you know, it's just it's it's funny, because no,
I don't. Sometimes I turn into a five year old kid,
and that's literally what's happening, you know. So it's understanding
(16:21):
that and making sure that it doesn't start to come
out as resentment or irritability or we're annoyed. Right, It's
kind of like this little bullshit protest behavior I think
they call it, you know, trying to make the other
person feel guilty or blaming them, you know, or shaming
them if we're not happy, so we're not feeling fully seen,
right and then so we prochecked it out. The bottom
(16:43):
line is like it's all about figuring it out and
knowing that we're the only person that can give us this,
nobody else. And if you keep trying, even though if
you know that truth, if you keep trying the other way,
like you're the only one that can give you whatever
you're looking for. So like whatever you got to do
to surrender to that and do the work to trust
(17:03):
that and find what ever God that you believe in
that's going to get you to that place.
Speaker 2 (17:09):
Man, you get that had nail on the head on
so many things right there. I mean, you talk about
we're the only ones that can give us what we're
looking for. We can go to the ends of the
earth searching for things thinking that they can give us
what we're looking for. You know, money, romance, success, like
whatever the metric may be, it's all in empty longing.
(17:32):
And you know what you also said that I think
is so profound is that feeling like you need to
sacrifice yourself who you are. And that's a reality for me,
and I feel like for a lot of people that
are listening, like I felt like I had no choice
but to sacrifice myself or else I would just be
alone my whole life. I would nobody would want anything
(17:52):
to do with me. Women wouldn't want me, nobody would
think I was cool enough to just hang around and
kick it with. I felt like I had no choice
as that little kid, when really today, I feel like
the ultimate goal is to find a balance between standing
in my truth, knowing who I am, not sacrificing my needs,
my wants, what makes me feel alive, while at the
(18:16):
same time not going extreme with like not wanting to
please people at all. Like it's the balance between being
who I am, being authentically myself while also wanting desiring
to impact people in a positive way but not just
one or the other, not not impacting people at the
expense of myself, and not being so fixated in the
(18:37):
truth that I just use the truth as a weapon
on people. You know. It's that balance, and it's such
a tough place to get. I don't think we ever
fully get there or just arrived to that point and
it's like all right, like I'm here, I'm enlightened. I've
got this thing figured out. It's always work, it's always
constant awareness, it's always you know, being anchored in our
(18:58):
practices because the minute I'm not aware, the minute I'm
not conscious of of my desire to sacrifice in order
to feel okay, I'm gonna be right back in the pattern.
And that over self sacrificing was such a part of
my reality for so long that you get to a
(19:19):
point where you don't even you're not even able to
tell that you know, the difference between the self sacrificing
version of yourself and the person you really are, Like
I would just sacrifice and think that that was me
and not even challenge it and not even question it. So, yeah,
we just want to offer an extent compassion and love
to all you guys as we go about this, and
(19:41):
we talk about this because it's real in our lives
and we know to some extent it's real in you
guys as well. But there is a solution, There is
a way.
Speaker 3 (19:50):
There's a way, and you can't do it alone. And
if you are kind of feeling like you're doing it alone,
there are so many recent if you can't afford a
coach or a therapist. First, I would ask, like if
that's really true, and where you're spending your money and
where you're placing your value, because I mean, when shit
gets bad enough, you'll pay for a therapist if you
(20:10):
need it, you know, But we want to be proactive
on that. But I think it's it's just you know,
I think it's a lot of shining the light of
awareness because if if all of these things we're talking about,
like if you don't realize that you're actually angry at
yourself and actually these these broken down systems that actually
taught you to behave this way, you know, for for
(20:31):
actually overgiving this is like ownership. You know, Darren, we
talk about this all the time, and you're listening right now,
and you might have you might be going through some shit,
like a lot of shit, like maybe you feel like
nobody's ever experienced the level of whatever pain and trauma
you're going through and and just understanding that, like there
(20:52):
we are talking about this to to to bankrupt that story.
And the reason we're doing this, the reason Darren and
I are talking right now is because of pain. It's
because of of but it's also these broken down systems
that we had and it's why we talked so much
about a lot of this work. When you can shift
to like undoing and unlearning and letting go and not acquiring,
(21:17):
it's just it's just freeing ourselves from all of this stuff.
It's like in the Four Agreements of really, you know,
we agree upon these certain things when we were younger,
and it's so outdated these days, right, So we have
to we have to get clear and write our own
tenants for our life today. Otherwise you're just like you're
living a life that I don't know whose story might
(21:37):
it might be. It might be one of your parents,
it might be one your third grade boyfriend who said
you weren't pretty and you ran with it and have
been telling yourself you're not enough since. But I think
I just want to come back to being balanced and
compassion but also like take ownership of your life. I'm
telling you, when you stop blaming everybody else, even if
(22:00):
somebody really did some damage to you, to be able
to see it as an opportunityy to heal and maybe
help others through it or find a way. Because you
know that person who hurts you, they're not thinking about
you every day the way you're thinking about them. So
free yourself from that. Do yourself a favor, and you
know there's ways that you can do that you can
(22:21):
get on the internet, and there's amazing stuff I was
thinking about early on as a coach, even this exercise
like what we talked about today, right like I didn't
I kind of wanted to learn a little bit more
about it. I know I do it, like that's obvious,
but I don't have like a specific coaching exercise, and
so it was fun to kind of dive in and
understand this. I did this early as a coach, where
(22:42):
like maybe when I first started, somebody talked about boundaries
and I'm like, oh, like we'll get that next Well,
let's dive into that next session. And then I wasn't
really prepared with a session or felt like I had
the knowledge to teach it. But then I would dive
in and just re like go on the first page
of Google and you won't get past the first page
of just like amazing content. So my point is is
(23:04):
like you might be making some excuse, but the resources
are there. You just have to be willing to take
a little action.
Speaker 2 (23:13):
Hm. That's always the answer. And I don't know if
you're like me, But I've always wanted a path that
didn't take action, to where the answer could fall right
into my lap without me having to do anything or
stand up to anything, or deal with any type of
conflict or conversation. So that's a real thing. And uh,
(23:35):
something that you just said that I loved. I'm reading
Michael Gervais's book Shout Out to to Doughter g Yeah,
and it's talking to the theme of the book is, uh,
you know, stop worrying about what other people are thinking
of you and the idea of FOPO. And he has
this section in the book talking about the spotlight effect
(23:55):
and how like we as people, we shine the spotlight
on ourselves and we think other people are judging us
so hard and strictly in way that we're judging ourselves,
when really these people are so caught up in how
they look, how they feel, what they're afraid of, how
they're going to get through their day, how they're going
to perform at their job. And there's to the extent
(24:20):
that we think people are thinking about us, they are
it's not even close like they're thinking about themselves and
how they're they're just going to get by how they
feel like they're self abandoning, you know. So it's this
idea of it's not about showing up for them, it's
not about doing anything for somebody else, it's doing it
(24:42):
for ourselves. And what I've learned is the people in
my life, the people that love me unconditionally, they want
the real me. They want my truest self, whether it's
it isn't the greatest thing in the world to hear
or it's the most amazing feeling in the world to hear,
but showing up as our truer selves, that's what people
(25:03):
are from us, and that's what ultimately we want from
ourselves desperately, you know, all the time to commandon we're
you know, giving our power away, giving our peace away.
And that thing that we feel inside that just doesn't
feel right, that's our spirit yelling out like, hey, like
this this ain't it? Like Like when are you going
(25:25):
to start to do things for us in here? When
you're gonna start to do things for your inner child
that that younger version of you that's so desperately just
wanted to show up and say this is me. But
you know, things happened and it's it's okay. That those
things happen. And it's okay that you feel the way
that you feel today, but we cannot stay here, like
(25:46):
Donnie said, we have to take action that we cannot
choose to stay here or a time will come where
we're approaching our last breath and we'll look back on
our lives and uh and there might be a regretted
to And by no means do we want that to happen.
We want to. We want to be able to just
come back to who we are.
Speaker 3 (26:06):
Dude, so much there I feel like when we get
caught in this self abandonment cycle, we don't realize. Like
everything you're saying is that we're blocking ourselves from receiving love,
care and kindness and support and all of these things,
not only from ourselves but from everybody else. It's so
whether you know a lot about the subconscious and conscious mind,
(26:28):
you can just even google that and understand the difference
and understand that if you can't get a grip on
the subconscious mind, So just really basic, your subconscious mind,
they say these days it hijacks ninety percent of your life.
So so it's when you're in your mind, you're thinking,
you're you're not in your body. That is where the
(26:48):
subconscious is. And they say that that is formed from
ages zero to seven, So it's conditioning. It's things that
like you don't even remember that are happening that have
hijacked your whole life. I don't remember a lot from
those ages, but that's what's running the show. So you
have to take a step back and understand what is
(27:09):
all this old narrative and these old stories, and then
how what are the practices? What do I need to
do to first get willing to dig it out and
do whatever it takes to like free yourself from it?
And then I think that's like our purpose, right if
you really want to simplify your life, just free yourself.
Speaker 2 (27:32):
So when you say free yourself, that may seem overwhelming
to somebody that's listening right now, Like you, what would
you give as like the first step, like a practical
thing that somebody can start tonight before they go to
bed or when they wake up in the morning, like
to be on that track to freeing themselves, to be
on that track to coming back to their truest, most
(27:54):
authentic self. Like what's a just something that somebody can
just take that first step forward?
Speaker 3 (28:01):
Well, as you were asking that, what I did was
I took a deep breath, and for me, that is
like what brings me back into my body. And you
might say, okay, so just take a deep breath. Well
start there. If that's as intimate as you are with
your breath, is you'll take one deep breath a day.
But I'm telling you, at some point you're going to
(28:21):
understand that like when you can grab a hold of
your breath and you have practices, whether it's you know,
because you can control your breath. And that's why I
love teaching yoga and kind of dancing with the breath
where you can connect the breath and the mind and
body together as one, you know, so it becomes like
this dance. But yeah, I mean I could go on.
There's there's something I want to circle back to because
(28:43):
I don't want to lose it. You talked about carrying
what other people think, the fact that Michael gervea a
human performance like guru, that he would write his book
and take time focusing because he works with so many athletes.
Carrying what other people think is like and he was
the one that said carrying what other people think is
the modern days saber tooth Tiger. So shout out to
(29:05):
Michael Jerma. He said he'd come back on, So we'll
get him back on to promote the book and talk
about it. And I mean, this is what we're talking about.
So much of it comes rooted in carrying what other
people think.
Speaker 2 (29:17):
No doubt, and I feel like adding to what you
just said, the best way to begin on this journey
of no longer choosing to self abandon is looking directly
at your self care practices, like the smallest things of
your day, like when you wake up, Like what are
(29:38):
you doing that is catered towards your well being, towards
your peace, towards you know, how you want to live
your life that day? And that fuck it starts with
some type of meditation practice, some type of breathing practice
to center yourself. What about journaling are you finding a
way to if it's not journaling, just a way to
(30:00):
express what you're thinking, what you're feeling in the course
of a day, Like what you're proud of yourself for
situations that you wish you could have responded to better?
Like what are the ways in which we're getting those
things out? Things as simple as hydrating choosing to keep
yourself hydrated is a way to fuel your body and
(30:23):
is an act of self care. Is an act of
saying I am valuable, I'm worth it, so I'm going
to take care of everything that is me. Another thing is,
even if it's for five to ten minutes today, are
you taking the chance to do something that you enjoy,
to allow yourself to be in a playful state, to
allow you to be excited about what you're doing and
(30:44):
just take a break and smile and laugh and dance
whatever it may be, Like, how are you structuring that
into your day? And at the end of the day,
I don't think we can outrun sleep ever, So it's
just like simple things that we can start to implement
in our day that we don't even know are subconsciously
reinforcing the fact that I value myself. I'm gonna do
(31:07):
the necessary things to show up and to allow myself
to function in my highest vibration. And like Donnie says,
the non negotiables and keeping the promises that you make
to yourself, those things go a long way, those subtle messages,
because then those start to translate into relationships where it's
like I'm making the choices to value myself, because then
(31:28):
once I can start to see the reality of when
I start to value myself, I am then able to
pour into somebody else. You know, if my cup isn't full,
how I'm gonna be pouring nothing into somebody else, like
literally nothing, And you know, and then we could possibly
get to the point where, you know, I fill my
cup up so much that somebody may come up and
(31:50):
need to drink themselves and I'm able to give that
to them because I've poured so much into myself and
having myself to be in a position where it's healthy
for me to give I found myself in so many
situations relationships work where I pour so much into other people.
You know, you look back at the cup, there's nothing
(32:11):
for me there, and that's not the way that we
want to live. And so I went pretty far down
the road as far as explaining what self care could
lead to and lay the foundation for. But to get
back just to the practicality of it, and the basics
is the choices that you make in your day and
the things that you do to add value to yourself,
(32:32):
to fuel yourself to choose a greater wellbeing for yourself.
Those things go such a long way in the direction
that you're trying to go.
Speaker 3 (32:43):
Yeah, I would just add I mean, you nailed it all.
There's a couple questions for all the people pleasers out there,
like myself asking that question, like is there perfection is
in people pleasing or codependent thinking at the root of
this act of giving that I'm doing, Like, that's a
big one, Like what's my intention? Am I saying I
love you to hear I love you back? Or am
(33:03):
I saying I love you because my heart is feeling it? Like?
What is your intention? And then the other one is
like am I giving with the desire of trying to
get someone else to think or feel a certain way
about me? You know? It's like those that's all I
did my whole life, my whole life growing up as
(33:24):
a kid. It was just like so I was so
concerned and so you know, as I say that as
we wrap up this episode, this is deep conditioning, so
meaning we have to be patient, we have to be compassionate.
This is deep rooted. There's nothing wrong with you, it's
just a pattern of thinking and you're feeling something maybe anxious, afraid.
That's information that there's change that needs to happen. All
(33:48):
of this we're feeling is it's to activate change. And
I think a lot of times even in self abandonment, right,
won't we want to keep the peace, will stay in
the relationship, or will avoid the hard conversation. But meanwhile,
like I'm having the conversation in my head twenty times
a day, so I think it's just getting clear. And
you know, daring the way that you articulated things, and
(34:10):
I just want to acknowledge you for your your vulnerability
and the way that you flow and man, the way
that we flow. I mean, I know we could talk
about this all day long, and I know people are
listening that are that are relating to this, and that's
all we wanted to do is just to relate to y'all.
So we appreciate you staying consistent with us. And it's
a big deal to leave reviews on the podcast, and
(34:33):
even you know, a five star review or comments or
whatever is going to help us get this out to
more people. That's all we care about. And yeah, that's
why we drop.
Speaker 2 (34:42):
In no doubt, man, I feel like you have left
people with a lot to take away and as you
go on this journey, as we close. I hope that
you don't think that you have to be perfect in
this process, or that you have to be free of mistakes.
You know, I've always felt most of my life and
I'm one mistake away from being a band and then
(35:05):
being rejected, being fired. And that's no way to live.
Because at the end of the day, we're human and
we're going to make mistakes. We're going to drop the ball,
we're going to miss the mark. But it's about showing
up and valuing ourselves enough to the point where even
when I do make that mistake, even when I do
drop the ball, even when I do miss the mark,
(35:25):
I'm still worthy of love. I'm still me, I'm still okay,
I'm still enough, And that's the ultimate goal. And we
just want you guys to know that where wish you
every step the way when you get there, however long
it takes, and past that and beyond and even as
you live your life past that point, because we need
(35:47):
each other and we need you guys, So thank you
for tuning in. We appreciate you, and we'll see you
guys next week.
Speaker 1 (35:52):
Peace Comeback Stories is a production of Inflection Network and iHeartRadio.
For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, Visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,
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Hosts And Creators
Eric Balchunas
Donny Starkins
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