December 21, 2023 • 38 mins
In this episode, Darren and Donny spotlight the essence of the holiday season: prioritizing presence over presents. They advocate for cherishing moments with loved ones, emphasizing human connections over material possessions. Encouraging listeners to set boundaries and be fully engaged in relationships, the conversation urges a shift towards meaningful experiences. They delve into self-love, authenticity, and reevaluating life's pursuits, inspiring a reflective and uplifting perspective on the holiday season and beyond.
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DARREN WALLER
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DONNY STARKINS
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:04):
Comeback Stories is a production of Inflection Network and iHeartRadio.
Speaker 2 (00:15):
Welcome back, everybody. We are here for another episode of
Comeback Stories, and I believe this is going to be
our holiday episode where we want to talk a lot
about presence, of course, which we talk about often in
our podcast, and this episode is going to be just
Darren and I dropping in. So let me first introduce him. Darren,
how are you, my dude?
Speaker 3 (00:37):
I'm great, man, blessed to be here, great, ready to
give these people some good little Christmas cheer, but really
just some encouragement over this holiday season.
Speaker 2 (00:47):
Yeah, And I think it's important for me to always
stress a lot of these things that I'm teaching. I
want to be clear that I don't have figured out,
Like a lot of the stuff Darren and I are
talking about are the things that we're working on. If
you follow me on Instagram and I put out an
inspirational post like, it's because I'm probably going through that
or there's something like I'm teaching what I need to
(01:08):
learn most times. And so what we wanted to talk
about today is presence and just this whole idea of
presence over presence, like being there, being present instead of
like the material things like if you think about it,
I was reflecting on this, if you stop and take
time to recall all of like the most memorable holidays,
(01:29):
the majority of us, I think would agree that it
had little to do with ever anything that you got,
and it had everything to do with like the people
surrounding you and how those people made you feel in
that moment. So like, this is all about human connection.
This is why Darren and I started the podcast. We
might not be there physically in proximity, but this was
(01:49):
a way for us to connect through our stories and
through our guest stories so that you felt a better
sense of connection, you know. And so it's it's all
about you know, understanding that whatever maybe you're caught up
on on the material over this holiday season. And another
thing that I think is really important is you know,
(02:12):
I think this episode will be coming out a few
days before Christmas. If that's the holiday that that you celebrate,
that you could prepare. So a lot of times the
holidays are so triggering. I mean, Darren and I talk
about this. From Thanksgiving until after New Year's is when
all the addiction and mental health spikes because of it's
just triggering and the pressures of family, and there is
(02:33):
so much you know, substance and alcohol around, so we
have to armor up and be in the practices. And
that's why we wanted to share kind of just some
of the things that work for us, but also the
reminder of like in my life, I don't remember anything
really that I got. I remember some things that I
didn't get and then I was a little baby about
(02:53):
it when I didn't get them, because that's just kind
of how I was as a kid. But I don't
it was the experiences.
Speaker 3 (03:00):
Yeah, man, I feel like there was a time where
it was about what I was going to get as
a kid, and it's like, yeah, so you got the
PlayStation two, or you got like NBA Live two thousand
and three or something. It's only a matter of time
before you want the PlayStation three. It's only a matter
of time before you want NBA Live two thousand and four.
(03:23):
And looking back, recognizing like the fleeting nature and the
fleeting feeling that comes with getting a gift, like you're excited,
you play with it all day. There might be something
that you might not buy New Year's Day, you might
not even be playing with it no more. But it's
this idea of getting the gift, But soon after that,
(03:43):
you're gonna want the next version. You're gonna want the
newer version. And that gift that you got that you
were expecting so much fulfillment out of the time's already
ticking on when you want more or when you want
something different, and how that gift just ain't doing it
for you anymore. Whereas the presence that we're talking about,
showing up and being present in the relationships, being present
(04:06):
to that time that may not be frequent for family connection,
those are the gifts that can continue to give. Those
are the gifts that your relationship with your family can
only grow deeper. Your relationships with your significant others, your friends,
whoever you celebrate this time with, can continue to grow,
can continue to give you a sense of gratitude, contentment,
(04:29):
and fulfillment that a material gift can never really give you.
You know, the people that talk about you, know they
rather cry in the bins or cry in a ferrari.
I don't really relate because ultimately I don't want to
cry at all. I'd rather be content and be happy
in a toyota. Yurs know, if it's anybody that Toyota
(04:50):
yrs just a random card that came to my mind.
But I'm just saying that to emphasize that these material
things that we long for and that we feel like
are going to feel that hole, fill that void for
us in some way. It really never gets the job done.
If we look at it through an honest lens, it.
Speaker 2 (05:10):
Doesn't get the job done. And then it creates a
life of basically hell. As you're as you're walking through that,
because as you were explaining that, I'm thinking about where
this all starts, and it starts as we're young, you know,
genius kids that are trying to do whatever it takes
to feel safe, connected, understood in all of those things, right,
(05:31):
and then they just they just become these these practices,
these these these deep rooted unhealthy behaviors and patterns that
are really hard to get out of. And if this
is resonating with you, you're not alone. This is all of us.
But there's a way out, and that way out is
first through awareness. Is this is why Darren and I
(05:53):
do this podcast to shine the light of awareness onto
some stuff that maybe you thought you were the only
one going through and it's just it's not the case.
Like this is it just it's not. And so our
hope is that we can bankrupt that story by sharing
stuff like this and then sharing the struggles that we've
had and hopes that like I always say, like I'll
(06:14):
do whatever it takes to not allow somebody to go
through the hell that I went through. It's not even
the hell, it's more the hell I.
Speaker 3 (06:22):
Put everybody else through.
Speaker 2 (06:24):
The hell I went through, Like that's all self inflicted.
It was everything else, the carnage, right like everything else.
And that's why we're doing this, And that's probably where
you hear the passion from there and gets me fired
up too, because he just is so profound and what
he shares it's so relatable because this is the human experience.
(06:44):
This isn't the football experience with his you know, all
your pads on and your helmet. This is a human
being and we're just having human being experiences. And you
know a lot, I know, both of us are. There's
a lot going on right now in life, and so
with that also comes a lot of just inspiration, and
that might be where you're hearing it from and why
we wanted to come on without guests, especially over the holidays,
(07:07):
because that's what we said we were going to do.
Speaker 3 (07:09):
And we know that.
Speaker 2 (07:11):
The most confident people in the world are the ones
that keep the promises they make them themselves. And we're
also living, trying our best to live. We're not living
the Four Agreements, but fuck man, we're trying. We're human beings.
We're gonna fuck it up, but we're trying. And we're
trying to also be pigeons and like carriers of the message,
not telling you what to do, just telling telling you,
(07:33):
like where we fucked up, where we're still struggling, and
some things that we've done that actually found us a
little freedom, and most of those things never had anything
to do with us. Maybe just willingness and honesty.
Speaker 3 (07:45):
Yeah, man, I mean, at the end of the day,
our honest effort always has been and always will be enough,
you know. And just this topic that we're diving into
tonight brings to my mind. There's a Bible scripture it
talks about I basically said, is basically Jesus saying, do
not store your treasure where thieves can steal or moths
(08:09):
can destroy. And so it's about this idea of you know,
placing our value, placing the importance in things that cannot
be taken, like the condo I'm in right now. If
this thing like just implodes, like the whip might be gone,
(08:31):
you know, my my laptop. You know, some nice things
might be gone, material things, but that's the reality of life,
Like those things could be taken. You know, a storm
can come through people that live in areas where hurricanes come,
like things can happen to where things that I own
(08:52):
that I place a lot of value in could be gone.
And it makes me think, it makes everyone think like, okay,
like if these things can be taken at any moment,
why by placing my value in these things, somebody could
break into my home and still something, you know, But
it's about the things that are internal, the things that
(09:12):
are relational. The things that aren't transactional are the things
that are ultimately most valuable, you know, things that a
gift can't provide, but a relationship can. Things that money
can't buy, but a community, a connection, a deep bond
(09:33):
can give you way more return on your investment. So
it's just like it all comes back to just sitting down,
sitting in silence, and just sitting with these thoughts, like
why do I feel like getting a gift is going
to mean so much more than me, more to me
than being around the people that I love, or being
(09:53):
around the people that are blood. And we've got to
unpack those things because there's a lot of things that
we've been taught. We talked, like Donnie, you talk about
deep conditioning and how these ideas and these desires and
these dreams are kind of, you know, forced upon us
by the world we're in. And it's very easy to
go with the flow and take those things in as
(10:15):
truth and and just like this is this is what
it is. This is the reality. But at the end
of the day, as we start to live life, as
we start to succeed and see things go our way
and also see the ebbs and flows of life where
things don't go our way, we don't get the things
that we want. It was never really about the things anyway.
(10:37):
You know. You see so many guys, like guys that
are in the league, or people that grew up in
environments where they didn't have a lot. There may not
have been a lot under the Christmas tree, but they
never identify with being poor or being identify with being
in need. It's this internal thing that's like, hey, like
I never realized it because there was love around me.
(10:59):
There was you know, I could go out in the
street and play, I could go out to the field
and you know, whatever it may be. It's never really
about the things that we can possess, things that we
can touch, the things that you know we're hoping are
under the tree. It's more so about peace of mind.
It's more so about connection to the people around me.
(11:20):
It's more so about these things that can't be touched,
that can't be taken, that can't be destroyed, that are
ultimately those of most value. But it takes a while,
it takes circumstances, It may take even rock bottom for
us to even start to fathom that that could be
the truth. You know, dude, you stir.
Speaker 2 (11:41):
Up so much in me that I want to share
that I really have to like use my breath to
like not jump all over what you're saying, because there's
just so much there. I'm thinking about Christmas and like,
and this isn't to poopoo on Christmas. We'll shift it
eventually and keep it light also, but it has me
thinking about the conditioning that Christmas creates and what we
choose to value and as you're saying this, thinking about it,
(12:05):
and then I'm thinking, what's overlooked because all we're hyper
focused on is the gift, the shiny thing that's been
sitting under the tree brewing.
Speaker 3 (12:12):
Right. It's like.
Speaker 2 (12:15):
I'm just thinking about I'm not a parent, but I
think this will truly, this conversation will really change the
way that I view it and still celebrate and use
this opportunity to get close with God or whoever you choose,
get close with your people and your family, like it
is as spiritual as a holiday or holidays, whatever you
choose to celebrate this time of the year, as you're
(12:35):
going to get so we're not poop pooing on it,
but at the bottom line is like material items are
quickly forgotten, but it's like the traditions and like the
special occasions that we share over the years with our
family and to be able to have those meaningful conversations
and feel that unconditional love, even though we might be
saying that's not unconditional love. But if your family's still
(12:58):
showing up, they're there and maybe that's all they can do.
But I think by being truly present with those that
matter in this time of the year, like we start
to cultivate a sense of mindfulness and gratitude that gets
lost amidst all the shit that's going on during the holidays.
And so if this is resonating, you're still going to
have to practice and prepare. And I think the holidays
(13:20):
like to be presence over presence, you have to dial
in your boundaries and prepare because sometimes going home a
lot of times can be triggering. So you got to
figure out, like what do I need. Presence over presents
might mean you have to set some boundaries with your
family on the front end so that you can be present.
It might mean you've got to go stay at an
(13:41):
Airbnb instead of your family's house. But this is the
time that you get to speak your voice. And you know,
maybe you've been teaching your family how to treat you,
or they've had these certain expectations, but you are the
you get to You're the creator of your life. So
if you want to change the relationship and the dynamic
with one of your family members, change you change and
(14:05):
set those boundaries. But yeah, we got to be in
a place so we can be present if we are
going to go home, and you know, face what often
can come up during the holidays.
Speaker 3 (14:16):
That's beautifully said. Man. That has me thinking on like
you know, when you say presence, like what is that
made up of? And like you said, there may be
some dynamics with your family that may not be perfect,
may not be ideal or what you'd want them to be.
But I feel like your presence could mean a lot
(14:36):
of different things. It could mean a compassionate presence. It
could mean showing up and with a with an aura
of acceptance for Hey, my mom and my dad, My
relationship with they may not be the best. They may
not have treated me the way that I would have
liked to be treated as a kid, but accepting that
they were doing the best with what they could. It
(14:59):
could mean showing up with a forgiving presence. Somebody in
your family may have harm you, and as you're on
your journey and growing and healing, you're starting to realize
that carrying that resentment, carrying that weight, carrying that hatred
is no longer serving you, and that forgiving is it
may not be as much about them as it is
(15:20):
for you, and extending that forgiveness to them and letting
them know that no matter what's happened, I have love
for you, and that presence could show up meaning a
joy presence, whereas your family members wherever we're around could
be there could be a lot of complaining, There could
(15:41):
be a lot of gossiping going on, but you standing
your ground in your truth of having a presence of
joy and not choosing to participate in that spending in
a conversation talking about the good that you see somebody doing,
the good that's going on in somebody's life. Hey, have
you seen cousin so and so he's starting to turn
(16:02):
things around, like, you know, really starting to take command
in those ways and realizing that you have a voice,
Your presence is worth fighting for. Your presence is no
longer something that you're willing to sacrifice just to fit
into the dynamic that's going on. So it could mean
a lot of different things. And like Donnie said, it's
(16:24):
got to start with how you treat yourself, because odds are,
how you treat you is how you're going to treat
other people at the end of the day. And I
say that because I'm realizing that every day in my life,
you know, the lack of foundation of self love that
I had as a kid, that I'm starting to try
to make up for now is probably the reason that
(16:48):
I am silently judgmental of people sometimes that I am,
you know, the abandoning of myself is probably the reason
I abandoned women in relationships in the past. It's like,
all those things start to come up. But yeah, at
the end of the day, we always got to start
with us and ask anybody else to change. We can't
make anybody else change, but we can start with ourselves
(17:11):
and allow God to do the rest.
Speaker 2 (17:13):
Yeah, everything you're saying, and it's I think someone listening
right now might go, Okay, well, then how do you
do this? How do you start? And if you just
like any goal or anything that you are going to
try to achieve, you would start with the appropriate chunk size,
so you would start with something small. So the magic
of the holidays, in fact, it's really the magic of life.
Everything always happens in it the moment. It's the small moments,
(17:37):
and so what happens is like we start to understand
that life only unfolds in moments. It's moment to moment,
and then if we're not present for those moments, we
end up missing out on what's most valuable. In your life.
So if your mind is on overdrive, this is where
where our mind and body's not there, right, So somebody's
standing in front of us, but we're gone elsewhere. So
(17:58):
being present during this time of the year, it means
that you're gonna have to put your phone down, you know,
and practice, Like, let it be a practice and maybe
you can embrace it if you really are struggling how
to if you're battling with battling.
Speaker 3 (18:13):
That this year. Yeah, man, you just said something powerful
right there. I don't even think, you know, it's just
the idea of like the whole basis of presence over
presence is I feel like us getting to a point
where we start to value moments and memories and experiences
over gifts over material things. Something my wife is great
(18:37):
at is when people come together, like create an environment
where it's like whether it's a game or building a
gingerbread house, competition, or doing something that brings people together,
that allows people to come out of their shell, that
allows them to laugh, that allows them to smile and
challenge each other and talk shit like whatever it may
(18:58):
be in an environment and because you're going to look
back on that Christmas and be like it's going to be, Oh,
I got the Louis Vuitton sweater, or I got Call
of Duty Modern Warfare for or whatever number they're on.
Now it's going to be like nah. Like the warmth
that I felt in my heart around these people, it's
(19:21):
the laughs that we shared. It's the conversations that we
had out back with my cousin or my sister or
my dad that we haven't sat down and bonded in
that way before. It's realizing that those are the things
that we should be seeking, chasing after, and you know,
placing our value and our importance in because now, like
(19:45):
I mean, I even look at myself. We're talking about
this in the training room. I'm like, somebody's like, what
do you want for Christmas? I don't want anything. I
don't want a gift. I can't name anything. If somebody
gets me a gift and it's something that is thoughtful
and they recognized that I needed or could benefit from,
or that would make me smile, I appreciate those. But
as far as something I can't really say anything. And
(20:09):
I feel like that would be the same whether I
was still working at Sprouts or I was making the
money that I'm making today. It's just those things aren't
filling me up, those things aren't really doing anything in
the long run that's gonna make me be like I
love my life. I love everything that makes up my life.
And it's about just making that shift. And it's difficult.
(20:33):
It takes life experience. It takes maybe like that Jim
Carrey quote, getting everything that you thought you ever wanted
and realizing it's never enough. It may take that. It
took me that, So that may be the way that
some people need to arrive at that perspective. But when
we do arrive at that perspective, it allows us to
(20:57):
really allow seasons like the seasons like Christmas and holidays
to really be experiences that can be fulfilling and allow
us to draw closer to those around us, because at
the end of the day, that's what we really want.
We're meant to do life with people and to be
in harmony with people and to just go about this
journey together shoulder to shoulder, and when we're able to
(21:20):
make that happen, that's when we can just that's all
we want at the end of the day, is to
just be like I love my life, like I fuck
with my life, like do we really want anything more
than that? Yeah?
Speaker 2 (21:31):
And the problem, I mean the issue where the problem
people come up against, it's the self worth issue of
like do you really think you're worthy of it? Because
of course that's what we all want, but if there's
issues around around self love, which obviously can can affect
our presence right when we're cared about what other people
think or whatever, it might be like these these are
(21:52):
the moments that just yeah, you know, I'm just thinking about,
like how all of our conversations that we have, Darren,
I hope somebody listening is just a little bit more
aware and maybe you can spend this holiday with a
different intention and give people that gift. And that doesn't
mean you got to let them talk your ear off
(22:13):
for an hour, Like you have to use your voice
and navigate and set boundaries and stay true to yourself
and not abandon yourself. But it's a practice and it does.
It's like it changes the game. And I think if
it's like, how you do anything is how you do everything.
So if that's what the holidays are all about for
you, you know, that's what your life is probably all about
(22:34):
for you. And I'm sorry to shine that light. But
that light of awareness doesn't always feel good. But what
it does is it loosens the grip. So if that
it does feel, that's how I was. And so it
took my addiction the gift of desperation to understand that,
like my whole life, I was just chasing validation. And
(22:55):
I feel like if I wouldn't have gone through it,
I probably I grew up in Scottsdale, Arizona. It's kind
of a wealthy area, and I feel like I because
I was so uncomfortable in my own skin. If I
wouldn't have gone the addiction route, I probably just would
have went material things, make as much money and have
the car because of how I felt about myself. So
to me, I would have really turned into like I mean,
(23:16):
this sounds like judgment, but they what I would call
like a Scott Steel douchebag. If you've ever been to Scottsdale,
like you know what I'm talking about, that would have
been me. But but my addiction brought me to my
knees and it's streamlined what success really means to me.
And that's an exercise I do with my coaching clients
and it's super important to do because we're so conditioned
(23:38):
to think what is successful or what our parents say
is successful. You got to come up with your own definition.
You got to get crystal clear on what that means today. Otherwise,
like what's driving you?
Speaker 3 (23:50):
What are you chasing?
Speaker 2 (23:52):
Is it something from the subconscious? You know, you have
to understand, like what your intention is and have these
little awareness tools, whether it's taking one breath or that
is going to allow you to see it and create
a little bit more space so that you don't get
hijacked by it. Whatever it is, it's usually this bullshit
chatter in the mind that's saying things like you're not enough,
(24:14):
who are you? Not good enough? Not fit enough? Like
whatever the bullshit story is. At some point we have
to say, Okay, I'm going to figure out how to
quiet the noise. Whether I need to build a relationship
with this voice and navigate that way like the Buddha did,
or do I need to say every time I hear it?
(24:34):
Do I need to say get the fuck out? Like whatever.
You've got to have pattern interrupts so that these voices
in our heads don't steal our lives and again rob
us of these moments. When you know these connections that
you get with family that you truly when you leave them,
you don't know if you'll ever see them again. But
we don't realize that when we're saying goodbye and truly
giving them a hug.
Speaker 3 (24:56):
That's dope, man. And what you said about you know
what are you chasing that is? That's so powerful man,
because you know, I don't. I don't want people to
think that we're just like you need to live the
life of a monk, like have no things, like have
like nothing nice Like there's nothing wrong with having nice
(25:18):
things and enjoying the fruits of your labor. But like
we have to ask ourselves, like how high on a
pedal store are replacing these things? How much importance? How
much of our headspace are is receiving things, accumulating things,
(25:39):
taking up in our existence, taking up in our desires,
Because it's unhealthy. If the accumulation of things is our
greatest priority, are of the greatest importance to us? Like
I said, there's I enjoy driving my tesla, I enjoy
(26:01):
making beats with the equipment that I have, and those
things are great. But if it's all about that, if
my identity is in that, that's where we believe like
the problem lies, like just the disconnect lies. I would
say it would be a better word, because it's our spirit
and the way that we show up and our authenticity
(26:22):
and us feeling comfortable in our own skin, in our
presence that allows us to be able to experience the things,
enjoy the things in a healthy way. And when we've
got we've got it a little bit backwards or got
it a little bit twisted. That's where you know, we
go down that road and get to this point where
it's like, man, like I really thought these things were
(26:45):
gonna do something for me. I really thought getting this
or getting to that point or was going to be
the thing that made me happy. And it's like, man,
the grass is greener wherever you decide to water it,
and we feel like the best place to water it
is in the relationship in our lives, starting with ourselves,
(27:06):
starting with the people around us, our family or whoever
we consider family, and from there, when we have those
things and those priorities that foundation laid, we can enjoy
the nice things all we want, because there are things
that that's exactly what they are, there to be enjoyed,
but not there to be worshiped bro.
Speaker 2 (27:28):
I like truly feel like you're my soulmate in so
many ways. When we have these conversations, it's like making
me never want to have a guest again because of
like where we're going with this, and well, anytime I
get a chance to connect with you, but like when
we go here, you know, we go back to that
question you brought it up again, chasing. So if you're
willing to ask yourself what am I chasing? If you
(27:51):
can do that, the only thing you have to do
after that is be honest about your answer. And if
you're honest about your answer, there's going to be some
information there. You just have to be honest about your answer.
And if you're if if it's unclear, then you're going
to have to figure out who is making those decisions
or like whose voice is it, or like getting clear.
It's about It isn't about gaining and acquiring. This is
(28:14):
about shedding and letting go of all the old, broken
down belief systems and all the old habits and patterns
of thinking, and letting go of this resentment you have
towards your mom because of what something she did twenty
years ago, and you're not able to see her for
who she is today. Ryan Clark, our guy. I was
listening to his pivot and he, man, he like made
me cry. He was talking about parenting and he said,
(28:37):
if your parents showed up, if they just showed up,
they were there for you, even if they fucked it
up in many other ways. If they showed up, they
were there for you. And I was like, wow, man,
my dad he showed up like everywhere, every practice, every game,
flew to every like playing around the Big twelve and
Pack ten and like just flying everywhere. And I'm like,
(29:00):
and he showed up, you know, And I think that's
that's what I'm gonna remember, right, That's that's that's it.
We just have to show up. And that doesn't mean
show up in the physical and be on your phone
the whole time. I don't know what it's like as
a parent to have to parent a child with a phone.
I feel it with my dogs, Like I neglect my
(29:22):
dogs when I'm on my phone and they're not even
bothering me. But to do it to a kid who
need who is like that is what they need? Is
their needs aren't being met because you're not giving them
your attention. And so this is it comes, it circles
back to presence. It's it's not just the relationship you
have with your child, it's it's everybody. But you know,
(29:44):
and this these are you know. This is not to
poo poo on Christmas or feel like the Grinch. This
is all from love. And sometimes it's not like what
we want to hear, it's what we need to hear.
And our hope is this that just activates more presence
on maybe some shit or bringing some some light to
maybe a resentment that like like why.
Speaker 3 (30:04):
Can't you Your.
Speaker 2 (30:05):
Poor parent is sitting there showing up for you, and
you've got this story that something happened twenty years ago
and you're still running with it and you can't see
them for who they are today. You're missing you're missing life.
So that has nothing to do with the other person.
You've got to figure your shit out and the problem
you have with that person and then bring it back
(30:27):
to you and be willing to let it go or
heal it and take the action so you can free yourself.
Speaker 3 (30:35):
My god, what that will bring you, man, I.
Speaker 2 (30:39):
Don't know, dude. It's like I think it's beautiful and
you know, you can call it wu wu. But I
think we are able to do this in yoga, and
it feels like it's just channeling right, Like I don't know.
To me, this is like God and spirit guiding this conversation.
Sometimes people in yoga, I'm like, I don't know where
that shit's coming from. It's something bigger than me. And
I feel like I can get there with you here
(31:01):
on the podcast, so I know we're right where we're
supposed to be.
Speaker 3 (31:04):
Oh yeah, no doubt. And speaking of people being right
they're supposed to be, if you don't feel like you're
truly in tune or in alignment with your presence or
what you would like your presence to be in this
time in this season, we just wanted to extend compassion
(31:24):
and love to y'all. Like that's that's okay. I don't
have that figured out, neither does anybody else, but it's
just being on that path to grow and to enjoy
your presence, to love the presence that you have and
to see it continue to grow and continue to radiate positivity,
(31:48):
continue to radiate love and acceptance and enjoy like over time,
as you get to become the parent in these times
or the grandparent in these times and the wisdom that
you've accumulated along the way, you can continue to pass
that on to somebody and you can encourage your grandchildren
(32:09):
one day that you know you hear to talk about
Jesus is the reason for the season. If that may
not be your reason for the season, let let's let's
find one. And when we do find it, let's find
a gentle way to encourage the people in our lives
to find their reason as well. And at the end
of the day, that reason is a lot of reason
is connection. That reason is, you know, enjoying life with
(32:35):
and enjoying the people that you're doing life with. And however,
whatever it takes for us to get there, the tools
that we need, whether it's therapy, whether it's whatever it
may be, we hope that you guys would know that
at the end of the day, it's going to be fulfilling.
That's going to be the gift, the present that you
(32:57):
thought would fill that void. It's going to come in
a completely different package. But we just promise you that
it'll be worth it.
Speaker 2 (33:06):
The work is worth it, and you can't do it alone.
As you're walking through all that, I'm like, yes, this
is like everything that I coach, you know, I'm like,
this is what I do. And then immediately I'm like,
so if you're listening, I immediately want to like my
mind wants to self promote, but then my like wanting
to diminish is like, oh, don't talk about your coaching
on here. But I'm thinking about how many people in
(33:27):
my life that coactively. It's not like I'm a teacher
in my coaching, I'm working with the coaching client coactively.
I believe that everybody has the answers already within them,
so I might teach things, but this is more about
being able to listen and hold space and trust that
they actually have the answers. And the magic is actually
(33:48):
sifting through the shit and figuring it out and going
into those dark places that we avoid and try to
really understand that like at the center of that, at
the center at the wound, like that's where our freedom lies.
And so these are the things that we dive into
and it sets you free. Like you you're talking about,
it's what you value, and maybe you just haven't got
(34:09):
clear on what your values are, and maybe your value
system is outdated and it's still the same value system
you had as a twelve year old when you were
hyped up about Christmas. But if you take time to
do an inventory and actually look at where you're at,
you can shift and you can pivot, but you have
to be willing to You have to see the value
(34:31):
in it. I mean, you know, the money objection. For
me as a coach, it's like, oh, they just don't
value it. I had to completely change my energy and
my story around money and understand that it's just what
they value. So when they say they can't do it,
or they whatever the objection is, it doesn't matter and
they just don't value it, you know. And it's like
(34:52):
when somebody doesn't agree with my belief on something, I
don't need to try to convince them otherwise I can
just see it as they value something different than me.
And I'm telling you, when you know who you are,
and you know who you're will you know what your
values are and you make every decision from that value system.
You can ever make the wrong decision because you have
(35:12):
a system for decision making that you're making decisions from
your heart, and so the heart is always going to
guide you to love. The work is to chip away
all the shit that's getting in the way of it,
and I think that is our purpose in life, you know.
Speaker 3 (35:28):
Man facts. So you know, as we wrap this up,
we hope that you guys are able to experience the
gift this holiday season of loving yourself, of the gift
of having people around you that you love and that
love you, and that you're just able to take in
that moment fully and present exactly as it is and
(35:54):
nothing more or nothing less. So in this holiday season,
no matter what is transpiring, no matter what's going on,
take a deep breath, be grateful, thankful that you have
this time, that you are alive at this time, that
you're able to spend it with people, and that you're
able to show up exactly as you are, as who
(36:14):
you are, and to let your presence be felt by
those around you. And we're praying for that for you
guys this holiday season. As we head into twenty twenty four,
Let's finish the year the right way. Let's finish the
year strong, Let's finish the year with love, reflecting on
memories experiences that we've had and allowing those to propel
(36:35):
us forward into the future that hey, twenty twenty four
could very well be the year that could absolutely change
your life and those around you. So I hope you
guys are grateful, hope you guys are excited for this
holiday with your people, and just another we're right there
with you.
Speaker 2 (36:56):
Yeah, man, twenty twenty four will change your life. And
it's like, how much control do you want to take
of that? By figuring out what practices are going to
allow you to see what you can control in whatever
you're trying to drive towards, and then just go towards that.
And you know, there's a saying race horses where blinders
for a reason. And so if there's a vision and
(37:17):
you have it like and you have your values in line,
you can't set goals and you can't set boundaries if
you don't know your values, because your values are they're
the filter system there you make your decisions based on it.
You can't set boundaries you don't know what your boundaries
are because when a value gets stepped on, you don't
(37:37):
even know. But if you know what your values are,
when one gets stepped on, right, you know a boundaries
been crossed. So take time, you know, if you don't
have the resources, go online and say, how do I
figure out my core values? And be willing in twenty
twenty four to just level it up a little bit
detached from the outcome of whatever goals you're going to set,
(37:58):
and then that's going to allow you to like really
be in the process and like give yourself the gift
of presence, and not only for the holidays, but for
this whole next year. It really is the gift that
keeps on giving. So we love you, Darren. I love you, dude.
I love these conversations. I value these like more than
anything in the world because my core value is meaningful relationships.
(38:22):
And Dude, the one I have with you is, like,
you know, it's at the top.
Speaker 3 (38:27):
Bro right back at you, dog. I love you, Love
all you guys. Enjoy this holiday season. We'll see you
guys soon. Peace.
Speaker 1 (38:44):
Comeback Stories is a production of Inflection Network and iHeartRadio.
For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcast,
or wherever you get your podcasts.
Comeback Stories is a production of Inflection Network and iHeartRadio.
Speaker 2 (00:15):
Welcome back, everybody. We are here for another episode of
Comeback Stories, and I believe this is going to be
our holiday episode where we want to talk a lot
about presence, of course, which we talk about often in
our podcast, and this episode is going to be just
Darren and I dropping in. So let me first introduce him. Darren,
how are you, my dude?
Speaker 3 (00:37):
I'm great, man, blessed to be here, great, ready to
give these people some good little Christmas cheer, but really
just some encouragement over this holiday season.
Speaker 2 (00:47):
Yeah, And I think it's important for me to always
stress a lot of these things that I'm teaching. I
want to be clear that I don't have figured out,
Like a lot of the stuff Darren and I are
talking about are the things that we're working on. If
you follow me on Instagram and I put out an
inspirational post like, it's because I'm probably going through that
or there's something like I'm teaching what I need to
(01:08):
learn most times. And so what we wanted to talk
about today is presence and just this whole idea of
presence over presence, like being there, being present instead of
like the material things like if you think about it,
I was reflecting on this, if you stop and take
time to recall all of like the most memorable holidays,
(01:29):
the majority of us, I think would agree that it
had little to do with ever anything that you got,
and it had everything to do with like the people
surrounding you and how those people made you feel in
that moment. So like, this is all about human connection.
This is why Darren and I started the podcast. We
might not be there physically in proximity, but this was
(01:49):
a way for us to connect through our stories and
through our guest stories so that you felt a better
sense of connection, you know. And so it's it's all
about you know, understanding that whatever maybe you're caught up
on on the material over this holiday season. And another
thing that I think is really important is you know,
(02:12):
I think this episode will be coming out a few
days before Christmas. If that's the holiday that that you celebrate,
that you could prepare. So a lot of times the
holidays are so triggering. I mean, Darren and I talk
about this. From Thanksgiving until after New Year's is when
all the addiction and mental health spikes because of it's
just triggering and the pressures of family, and there is
(02:33):
so much you know, substance and alcohol around, so we
have to armor up and be in the practices. And
that's why we wanted to share kind of just some
of the things that work for us, but also the
reminder of like in my life, I don't remember anything
really that I got. I remember some things that I
didn't get and then I was a little baby about
(02:53):
it when I didn't get them, because that's just kind
of how I was as a kid. But I don't
it was the experiences.
Speaker 3 (03:00):
Yeah, man, I feel like there was a time where
it was about what I was going to get as
a kid, and it's like, yeah, so you got the
PlayStation two, or you got like NBA Live two thousand
and three or something. It's only a matter of time
before you want the PlayStation three. It's only a matter
of time before you want NBA Live two thousand and four.
(03:23):
And looking back, recognizing like the fleeting nature and the
fleeting feeling that comes with getting a gift, like you're excited,
you play with it all day. There might be something
that you might not buy New Year's Day, you might
not even be playing with it no more. But it's
this idea of getting the gift, But soon after that,
(03:43):
you're gonna want the next version. You're gonna want the
newer version. And that gift that you got that you
were expecting so much fulfillment out of the time's already
ticking on when you want more or when you want
something different, and how that gift just ain't doing it
for you anymore. Whereas the presence that we're talking about,
showing up and being present in the relationships, being present
(04:06):
to that time that may not be frequent for family connection,
those are the gifts that can continue to give. Those
are the gifts that your relationship with your family can
only grow deeper. Your relationships with your significant others, your friends,
whoever you celebrate this time with, can continue to grow,
can continue to give you a sense of gratitude, contentment,
(04:29):
and fulfillment that a material gift can never really give you.
You know, the people that talk about you, know they
rather cry in the bins or cry in a ferrari.
I don't really relate because ultimately I don't want to
cry at all. I'd rather be content and be happy
in a toyota. Yurs know, if it's anybody that Toyota
(04:50):
yrs just a random card that came to my mind.
But I'm just saying that to emphasize that these material
things that we long for and that we feel like
are going to feel that hole, fill that void for
us in some way. It really never gets the job done.
If we look at it through an honest lens, it.
Speaker 2 (05:10):
Doesn't get the job done. And then it creates a
life of basically hell. As you're as you're walking through that,
because as you were explaining that, I'm thinking about where
this all starts, and it starts as we're young, you know,
genius kids that are trying to do whatever it takes
to feel safe, connected, understood in all of those things, right,
(05:31):
and then they just they just become these these practices,
these these these deep rooted unhealthy behaviors and patterns that
are really hard to get out of. And if this
is resonating with you, you're not alone. This is all of us.
But there's a way out, and that way out is
first through awareness. Is this is why Darren and I
(05:53):
do this podcast to shine the light of awareness onto
some stuff that maybe you thought you were the only
one going through and it's just it's not the case.
Like this is it just it's not. And so our
hope is that we can bankrupt that story by sharing
stuff like this and then sharing the struggles that we've
had and hopes that like I always say, like I'll
(06:14):
do whatever it takes to not allow somebody to go
through the hell that I went through. It's not even
the hell, it's more the hell I.
Speaker 3 (06:22):
Put everybody else through.
Speaker 2 (06:24):
The hell I went through, Like that's all self inflicted.
It was everything else, the carnage, right like everything else.
And that's why we're doing this, And that's probably where
you hear the passion from there and gets me fired
up too, because he just is so profound and what
he shares it's so relatable because this is the human experience.
(06:44):
This isn't the football experience with his you know, all
your pads on and your helmet. This is a human
being and we're just having human being experiences. And you
know a lot, I know, both of us are. There's
a lot going on right now in life, and so
with that also comes a lot of just inspiration, and
that might be where you're hearing it from and why
we wanted to come on without guests, especially over the holidays,
(07:07):
because that's what we said we were going to do.
Speaker 3 (07:09):
And we know that.
Speaker 2 (07:11):
The most confident people in the world are the ones
that keep the promises they make them themselves. And we're
also living, trying our best to live. We're not living
the Four Agreements, but fuck man, we're trying. We're human beings.
We're gonna fuck it up, but we're trying. And we're
trying to also be pigeons and like carriers of the message,
not telling you what to do, just telling telling you,
(07:33):
like where we fucked up, where we're still struggling, and
some things that we've done that actually found us a
little freedom, and most of those things never had anything
to do with us. Maybe just willingness and honesty.
Speaker 3 (07:45):
Yeah, man, I mean, at the end of the day,
our honest effort always has been and always will be enough,
you know. And just this topic that we're diving into
tonight brings to my mind. There's a Bible scripture it
talks about I basically said, is basically Jesus saying, do
not store your treasure where thieves can steal or moths
(08:09):
can destroy. And so it's about this idea of you know,
placing our value, placing the importance in things that cannot
be taken, like the condo I'm in right now. If
this thing like just implodes, like the whip might be gone,
(08:31):
you know, my my laptop. You know, some nice things
might be gone, material things, but that's the reality of life,
Like those things could be taken. You know, a storm
can come through people that live in areas where hurricanes come,
like things can happen to where things that I own
(08:52):
that I place a lot of value in could be gone.
And it makes me think, it makes everyone think like, okay,
like if these things can be taken at any moment,
why by placing my value in these things, somebody could
break into my home and still something, you know, But
it's about the things that are internal, the things that
(09:12):
are relational. The things that aren't transactional are the things
that are ultimately most valuable, you know, things that a
gift can't provide, but a relationship can. Things that money
can't buy, but a community, a connection, a deep bond
(09:33):
can give you way more return on your investment. So
it's just like it all comes back to just sitting down,
sitting in silence, and just sitting with these thoughts, like
why do I feel like getting a gift is going
to mean so much more than me, more to me
than being around the people that I love, or being
(09:53):
around the people that are blood. And we've got to
unpack those things because there's a lot of things that
we've been taught. We talked, like Donnie, you talk about
deep conditioning and how these ideas and these desires and
these dreams are kind of, you know, forced upon us
by the world we're in. And it's very easy to
go with the flow and take those things in as
(10:15):
truth and and just like this is this is what
it is. This is the reality. But at the end
of the day, as we start to live life, as
we start to succeed and see things go our way
and also see the ebbs and flows of life where
things don't go our way, we don't get the things
that we want. It was never really about the things anyway.
(10:37):
You know. You see so many guys, like guys that
are in the league, or people that grew up in
environments where they didn't have a lot. There may not
have been a lot under the Christmas tree, but they
never identify with being poor or being identify with being
in need. It's this internal thing that's like, hey, like
I never realized it because there was love around me.
(10:59):
There was you know, I could go out in the
street and play, I could go out to the field
and you know, whatever it may be. It's never really
about the things that we can possess, things that we
can touch, the things that you know we're hoping are
under the tree. It's more so about peace of mind.
It's more so about connection to the people around me.
(11:20):
It's more so about these things that can't be touched,
that can't be taken, that can't be destroyed, that are
ultimately those of most value. But it takes a while,
it takes circumstances, It may take even rock bottom for
us to even start to fathom that that could be
the truth. You know, dude, you stir.
Speaker 2 (11:41):
Up so much in me that I want to share
that I really have to like use my breath to
like not jump all over what you're saying, because there's
just so much there. I'm thinking about Christmas and like,
and this isn't to poopoo on Christmas. We'll shift it
eventually and keep it light also, but it has me
thinking about the conditioning that Christmas creates and what we
choose to value and as you're saying this, thinking about it,
(12:05):
and then I'm thinking, what's overlooked because all we're hyper
focused on is the gift, the shiny thing that's been
sitting under the tree brewing.
Speaker 3 (12:12):
Right. It's like.
Speaker 2 (12:15):
I'm just thinking about I'm not a parent, but I
think this will truly, this conversation will really change the
way that I view it and still celebrate and use
this opportunity to get close with God or whoever you choose,
get close with your people and your family, like it
is as spiritual as a holiday or holidays, whatever you
choose to celebrate this time of the year, as you're
(12:35):
going to get so we're not poop pooing on it,
but at the bottom line is like material items are
quickly forgotten, but it's like the traditions and like the
special occasions that we share over the years with our
family and to be able to have those meaningful conversations
and feel that unconditional love, even though we might be
saying that's not unconditional love. But if your family's still
(12:58):
showing up, they're there and maybe that's all they can do.
But I think by being truly present with those that
matter in this time of the year, like we start
to cultivate a sense of mindfulness and gratitude that gets
lost amidst all the shit that's going on during the holidays.
And so if this is resonating, you're still going to
have to practice and prepare. And I think the holidays
(13:20):
like to be presence over presence, you have to dial
in your boundaries and prepare because sometimes going home a
lot of times can be triggering. So you got to
figure out, like what do I need. Presence over presents
might mean you have to set some boundaries with your
family on the front end so that you can be present.
It might mean you've got to go stay at an
(13:41):
Airbnb instead of your family's house. But this is the
time that you get to speak your voice. And you know,
maybe you've been teaching your family how to treat you,
or they've had these certain expectations, but you are the
you get to You're the creator of your life. So
if you want to change the relationship and the dynamic
with one of your family members, change you change and
(14:05):
set those boundaries. But yeah, we got to be in
a place so we can be present if we are
going to go home, and you know, face what often
can come up during the holidays.
Speaker 3 (14:16):
That's beautifully said. Man. That has me thinking on like
you know, when you say presence, like what is that
made up of? And like you said, there may be
some dynamics with your family that may not be perfect,
may not be ideal or what you'd want them to be.
But I feel like your presence could mean a lot
(14:36):
of different things. It could mean a compassionate presence. It
could mean showing up and with a with an aura
of acceptance for Hey, my mom and my dad, My
relationship with they may not be the best. They may
not have treated me the way that I would have
liked to be treated as a kid, but accepting that
they were doing the best with what they could. It
(14:59):
could mean showing up with a forgiving presence. Somebody in
your family may have harm you, and as you're on
your journey and growing and healing, you're starting to realize
that carrying that resentment, carrying that weight, carrying that hatred
is no longer serving you, and that forgiving is it
may not be as much about them as it is
(15:20):
for you, and extending that forgiveness to them and letting
them know that no matter what's happened, I have love
for you, and that presence could show up meaning a
joy presence, whereas your family members wherever we're around could
be there could be a lot of complaining, There could
(15:41):
be a lot of gossiping going on, but you standing
your ground in your truth of having a presence of
joy and not choosing to participate in that spending in
a conversation talking about the good that you see somebody doing,
the good that's going on in somebody's life. Hey, have
you seen cousin so and so he's starting to turn
(16:02):
things around, like, you know, really starting to take command
in those ways and realizing that you have a voice,
Your presence is worth fighting for. Your presence is no
longer something that you're willing to sacrifice just to fit
into the dynamic that's going on. So it could mean
a lot of different things. And like Donnie said, it's
(16:24):
got to start with how you treat yourself, because odds are,
how you treat you is how you're going to treat
other people at the end of the day. And I
say that because I'm realizing that every day in my life,
you know, the lack of foundation of self love that
I had as a kid, that I'm starting to try
to make up for now is probably the reason that
(16:48):
I am silently judgmental of people sometimes that I am,
you know, the abandoning of myself is probably the reason
I abandoned women in relationships in the past. It's like,
all those things start to come up. But yeah, at
the end of the day, we always got to start
with us and ask anybody else to change. We can't
make anybody else change, but we can start with ourselves
(17:11):
and allow God to do the rest.
Speaker 2 (17:13):
Yeah, everything you're saying, and it's I think someone listening
right now might go, Okay, well, then how do you
do this? How do you start? And if you just
like any goal or anything that you are going to
try to achieve, you would start with the appropriate chunk size,
so you would start with something small. So the magic
of the holidays, in fact, it's really the magic of life.
Everything always happens in it the moment. It's the small moments,
(17:37):
and so what happens is like we start to understand
that life only unfolds in moments. It's moment to moment,
and then if we're not present for those moments, we
end up missing out on what's most valuable. In your life.
So if your mind is on overdrive, this is where
where our mind and body's not there, right, So somebody's
standing in front of us, but we're gone elsewhere. So
(17:58):
being present during this time of the year, it means
that you're gonna have to put your phone down, you know,
and practice, Like, let it be a practice and maybe
you can embrace it if you really are struggling how
to if you're battling with battling.
Speaker 3 (18:13):
That this year. Yeah, man, you just said something powerful
right there. I don't even think, you know, it's just
the idea of like the whole basis of presence over
presence is I feel like us getting to a point
where we start to value moments and memories and experiences
over gifts over material things. Something my wife is great
(18:37):
at is when people come together, like create an environment
where it's like whether it's a game or building a
gingerbread house, competition, or doing something that brings people together,
that allows people to come out of their shell, that
allows them to laugh, that allows them to smile and
challenge each other and talk shit like whatever it may
(18:58):
be in an environment and because you're going to look
back on that Christmas and be like it's going to be, Oh,
I got the Louis Vuitton sweater, or I got Call
of Duty Modern Warfare for or whatever number they're on.
Now it's going to be like nah. Like the warmth
that I felt in my heart around these people, it's
(19:21):
the laughs that we shared. It's the conversations that we
had out back with my cousin or my sister or
my dad that we haven't sat down and bonded in
that way before. It's realizing that those are the things
that we should be seeking, chasing after, and you know,
placing our value and our importance in because now, like
(19:45):
I mean, I even look at myself. We're talking about
this in the training room. I'm like, somebody's like, what
do you want for Christmas? I don't want anything. I
don't want a gift. I can't name anything. If somebody
gets me a gift and it's something that is thoughtful
and they recognized that I needed or could benefit from,
or that would make me smile, I appreciate those. But
as far as something I can't really say anything. And
(20:09):
I feel like that would be the same whether I
was still working at Sprouts or I was making the
money that I'm making today. It's just those things aren't
filling me up, those things aren't really doing anything in
the long run that's gonna make me be like I
love my life. I love everything that makes up my life.
And it's about just making that shift. And it's difficult.
(20:33):
It takes life experience. It takes maybe like that Jim
Carrey quote, getting everything that you thought you ever wanted
and realizing it's never enough. It may take that. It
took me that, So that may be the way that
some people need to arrive at that perspective. But when
we do arrive at that perspective, it allows us to
(20:57):
really allow seasons like the seasons like Christmas and holidays
to really be experiences that can be fulfilling and allow
us to draw closer to those around us, because at
the end of the day, that's what we really want.
We're meant to do life with people and to be
in harmony with people and to just go about this
journey together shoulder to shoulder, and when we're able to
(21:20):
make that happen, that's when we can just that's all
we want at the end of the day, is to
just be like I love my life, like I fuck
with my life, like do we really want anything more
than that? Yeah?
Speaker 2 (21:31):
And the problem, I mean the issue where the problem
people come up against, it's the self worth issue of
like do you really think you're worthy of it? Because
of course that's what we all want, but if there's
issues around around self love, which obviously can can affect
our presence right when we're cared about what other people
think or whatever, it might be like these these are
(21:52):
the moments that just yeah, you know, I'm just thinking about,
like how all of our conversations that we have, Darren,
I hope somebody listening is just a little bit more
aware and maybe you can spend this holiday with a
different intention and give people that gift. And that doesn't
mean you got to let them talk your ear off
(22:13):
for an hour, Like you have to use your voice
and navigate and set boundaries and stay true to yourself
and not abandon yourself. But it's a practice and it does.
It's like it changes the game. And I think if
it's like, how you do anything is how you do everything.
So if that's what the holidays are all about for
you, you know, that's what your life is probably all about
(22:34):
for you. And I'm sorry to shine that light. But
that light of awareness doesn't always feel good. But what
it does is it loosens the grip. So if that
it does feel, that's how I was. And so it
took my addiction the gift of desperation to understand that,
like my whole life, I was just chasing validation. And
(22:55):
I feel like if I wouldn't have gone through it,
I probably I grew up in Scottsdale, Arizona. It's kind
of a wealthy area, and I feel like I because
I was so uncomfortable in my own skin. If I
wouldn't have gone the addiction route, I probably just would
have went material things, make as much money and have
the car because of how I felt about myself. So
to me, I would have really turned into like I mean,
(23:16):
this sounds like judgment, but they what I would call
like a Scott Steel douchebag. If you've ever been to Scottsdale,
like you know what I'm talking about, that would have
been me. But but my addiction brought me to my
knees and it's streamlined what success really means to me.
And that's an exercise I do with my coaching clients
and it's super important to do because we're so conditioned
(23:38):
to think what is successful or what our parents say
is successful. You got to come up with your own definition.
You got to get crystal clear on what that means today. Otherwise,
like what's driving you?
Speaker 3 (23:50):
What are you chasing?
Speaker 2 (23:52):
Is it something from the subconscious? You know, you have
to understand, like what your intention is and have these
little awareness tools, whether it's taking one breath or that
is going to allow you to see it and create
a little bit more space so that you don't get
hijacked by it. Whatever it is, it's usually this bullshit
chatter in the mind that's saying things like you're not enough,
(24:14):
who are you? Not good enough? Not fit enough? Like
whatever the bullshit story is. At some point we have
to say, Okay, I'm going to figure out how to
quiet the noise. Whether I need to build a relationship
with this voice and navigate that way like the Buddha did,
or do I need to say every time I hear it?
(24:34):
Do I need to say get the fuck out? Like whatever.
You've got to have pattern interrupts so that these voices
in our heads don't steal our lives and again rob
us of these moments. When you know these connections that
you get with family that you truly when you leave them,
you don't know if you'll ever see them again. But
we don't realize that when we're saying goodbye and truly
giving them a hug.
Speaker 3 (24:56):
That's dope, man. And what you said about you know
what are you chasing that is? That's so powerful man,
because you know, I don't. I don't want people to
think that we're just like you need to live the
life of a monk, like have no things, like have
like nothing nice Like there's nothing wrong with having nice
(25:18):
things and enjoying the fruits of your labor. But like
we have to ask ourselves, like how high on a
pedal store are replacing these things? How much importance? How
much of our headspace are is receiving things, accumulating things,
(25:39):
taking up in our existence, taking up in our desires,
Because it's unhealthy. If the accumulation of things is our
greatest priority, are of the greatest importance to us? Like
I said, there's I enjoy driving my tesla, I enjoy
(26:01):
making beats with the equipment that I have, and those
things are great. But if it's all about that, if
my identity is in that, that's where we believe like
the problem lies, like just the disconnect lies. I would
say it would be a better word, because it's our spirit
and the way that we show up and our authenticity
(26:22):
and us feeling comfortable in our own skin, in our
presence that allows us to be able to experience the things,
enjoy the things in a healthy way. And when we've
got we've got it a little bit backwards or got
it a little bit twisted. That's where you know, we
go down that road and get to this point where
it's like, man, like I really thought these things were
(26:45):
gonna do something for me. I really thought getting this
or getting to that point or was going to be
the thing that made me happy. And it's like, man,
the grass is greener wherever you decide to water it,
and we feel like the best place to water it
is in the relationship in our lives, starting with ourselves,
(27:06):
starting with the people around us, our family or whoever
we consider family, and from there, when we have those
things and those priorities that foundation laid, we can enjoy
the nice things all we want, because there are things
that that's exactly what they are, there to be enjoyed,
but not there to be worshiped bro.
Speaker 2 (27:28):
I like truly feel like you're my soulmate in so
many ways. When we have these conversations, it's like making
me never want to have a guest again because of
like where we're going with this, and well, anytime I
get a chance to connect with you, but like when
we go here, you know, we go back to that
question you brought it up again, chasing. So if you're
willing to ask yourself what am I chasing? If you
(27:51):
can do that, the only thing you have to do
after that is be honest about your answer. And if
you're honest about your answer, there's going to be some
information there. You just have to be honest about your answer.
And if you're if if it's unclear, then you're going
to have to figure out who is making those decisions
or like whose voice is it, or like getting clear.
It's about It isn't about gaining and acquiring. This is
(28:14):
about shedding and letting go of all the old, broken
down belief systems and all the old habits and patterns
of thinking, and letting go of this resentment you have
towards your mom because of what something she did twenty
years ago, and you're not able to see her for
who she is today. Ryan Clark, our guy. I was
listening to his pivot and he, man, he like made
me cry. He was talking about parenting and he said,
(28:37):
if your parents showed up, if they just showed up,
they were there for you, even if they fucked it
up in many other ways. If they showed up, they
were there for you. And I was like, wow, man,
my dad he showed up like everywhere, every practice, every game,
flew to every like playing around the Big twelve and
Pack ten and like just flying everywhere. And I'm like,
(29:00):
and he showed up, you know, And I think that's
that's what I'm gonna remember, right, That's that's that's it.
We just have to show up. And that doesn't mean
show up in the physical and be on your phone
the whole time. I don't know what it's like as
a parent to have to parent a child with a phone.
I feel it with my dogs, Like I neglect my
(29:22):
dogs when I'm on my phone and they're not even
bothering me. But to do it to a kid who
need who is like that is what they need? Is
their needs aren't being met because you're not giving them
your attention. And so this is it comes, it circles
back to presence. It's it's not just the relationship you
have with your child, it's it's everybody. But you know,
(29:44):
and this these are you know. This is not to
poo poo on Christmas or feel like the Grinch. This
is all from love. And sometimes it's not like what
we want to hear, it's what we need to hear.
And our hope is this that just activates more presence
on maybe some shit or bringing some some light to
maybe a resentment that like like why.
Speaker 3 (30:04):
Can't you Your.
Speaker 2 (30:05):
Poor parent is sitting there showing up for you, and
you've got this story that something happened twenty years ago
and you're still running with it and you can't see
them for who they are today. You're missing you're missing life.
So that has nothing to do with the other person.
You've got to figure your shit out and the problem
you have with that person and then bring it back
(30:27):
to you and be willing to let it go or
heal it and take the action so you can free yourself.
Speaker 3 (30:35):
My god, what that will bring you, man, I.
Speaker 2 (30:39):
Don't know, dude. It's like I think it's beautiful and
you know, you can call it wu wu. But I
think we are able to do this in yoga, and
it feels like it's just channeling right, Like I don't know.
To me, this is like God and spirit guiding this conversation.
Sometimes people in yoga, I'm like, I don't know where
that shit's coming from. It's something bigger than me. And
I feel like I can get there with you here
(31:01):
on the podcast, so I know we're right where we're
supposed to be.
Speaker 3 (31:04):
Oh yeah, no doubt. And speaking of people being right
they're supposed to be, if you don't feel like you're
truly in tune or in alignment with your presence or
what you would like your presence to be in this
time in this season, we just wanted to extend compassion
(31:24):
and love to y'all. Like that's that's okay. I don't
have that figured out, neither does anybody else, but it's
just being on that path to grow and to enjoy
your presence, to love the presence that you have and
to see it continue to grow and continue to radiate positivity,
(31:48):
continue to radiate love and acceptance and enjoy like over time,
as you get to become the parent in these times
or the grandparent in these times and the wisdom that
you've accumulated along the way, you can continue to pass
that on to somebody and you can encourage your grandchildren
(32:09):
one day that you know you hear to talk about
Jesus is the reason for the season. If that may
not be your reason for the season, let let's let's
find one. And when we do find it, let's find
a gentle way to encourage the people in our lives
to find their reason as well. And at the end
of the day, that reason is a lot of reason
is connection. That reason is, you know, enjoying life with
(32:35):
and enjoying the people that you're doing life with. And however,
whatever it takes for us to get there, the tools
that we need, whether it's therapy, whether it's whatever it
may be, we hope that you guys would know that
at the end of the day, it's going to be fulfilling.
That's going to be the gift, the present that you
(32:57):
thought would fill that void. It's going to come in
a completely different package. But we just promise you that
it'll be worth it.
Speaker 2 (33:06):
The work is worth it, and you can't do it alone.
As you're walking through all that, I'm like, yes, this
is like everything that I coach, you know, I'm like,
this is what I do. And then immediately I'm like,
so if you're listening, I immediately want to like my
mind wants to self promote, but then my like wanting
to diminish is like, oh, don't talk about your coaching
on here. But I'm thinking about how many people in
(33:27):
my life that coactively. It's not like I'm a teacher
in my coaching, I'm working with the coaching client coactively.
I believe that everybody has the answers already within them,
so I might teach things, but this is more about
being able to listen and hold space and trust that
they actually have the answers. And the magic is actually
(33:48):
sifting through the shit and figuring it out and going
into those dark places that we avoid and try to
really understand that like at the center of that, at
the center at the wound, like that's where our freedom lies.
And so these are the things that we dive into
and it sets you free. Like you you're talking about,
it's what you value, and maybe you just haven't got
(34:09):
clear on what your values are, and maybe your value
system is outdated and it's still the same value system
you had as a twelve year old when you were
hyped up about Christmas. But if you take time to
do an inventory and actually look at where you're at,
you can shift and you can pivot, but you have
to be willing to You have to see the value
(34:31):
in it. I mean, you know, the money objection. For
me as a coach, it's like, oh, they just don't
value it. I had to completely change my energy and
my story around money and understand that it's just what
they value. So when they say they can't do it,
or they whatever the objection is, it doesn't matter and
they just don't value it, you know. And it's like
(34:52):
when somebody doesn't agree with my belief on something, I
don't need to try to convince them otherwise I can
just see it as they value something different than me.
And I'm telling you, when you know who you are,
and you know who you're will you know what your
values are and you make every decision from that value system.
You can ever make the wrong decision because you have
(35:12):
a system for decision making that you're making decisions from
your heart, and so the heart is always going to
guide you to love. The work is to chip away
all the shit that's getting in the way of it,
and I think that is our purpose in life, you know.
Speaker 3 (35:28):
Man facts. So you know, as we wrap this up,
we hope that you guys are able to experience the
gift this holiday season of loving yourself, of the gift
of having people around you that you love and that
love you, and that you're just able to take in
that moment fully and present exactly as it is and
(35:54):
nothing more or nothing less. So in this holiday season,
no matter what is transpiring, no matter what's going on,
take a deep breath, be grateful, thankful that you have
this time, that you are alive at this time, that
you're able to spend it with people, and that you're
able to show up exactly as you are, as who
(36:14):
you are, and to let your presence be felt by
those around you. And we're praying for that for you
guys this holiday season. As we head into twenty twenty four,
Let's finish the year the right way. Let's finish the
year strong, Let's finish the year with love, reflecting on
memories experiences that we've had and allowing those to propel
(36:35):
us forward into the future that hey, twenty twenty four
could very well be the year that could absolutely change
your life and those around you. So I hope you
guys are grateful, hope you guys are excited for this
holiday with your people, and just another we're right there
with you.
Speaker 2 (36:56):
Yeah, man, twenty twenty four will change your life. And
it's like, how much control do you want to take
of that? By figuring out what practices are going to
allow you to see what you can control in whatever
you're trying to drive towards, and then just go towards that.
And you know, there's a saying race horses where blinders
for a reason. And so if there's a vision and
(37:17):
you have it like and you have your values in line,
you can't set goals and you can't set boundaries if
you don't know your values, because your values are they're
the filter system there you make your decisions based on it.
You can't set boundaries you don't know what your boundaries
are because when a value gets stepped on, you don't
(37:37):
even know. But if you know what your values are,
when one gets stepped on, right, you know a boundaries
been crossed. So take time, you know, if you don't
have the resources, go online and say, how do I
figure out my core values? And be willing in twenty
twenty four to just level it up a little bit
detached from the outcome of whatever goals you're going to set,
(37:58):
and then that's going to allow you to like really
be in the process and like give yourself the gift
of presence, and not only for the holidays, but for
this whole next year. It really is the gift that
keeps on giving. So we love you, Darren. I love you, dude.
I love these conversations. I value these like more than
anything in the world because my core value is meaningful relationships.
(38:22):
And Dude, the one I have with you is, like,
you know, it's at the top.
Speaker 3 (38:27):
Bro right back at you, dog. I love you, Love
all you guys. Enjoy this holiday season. We'll see you
guys soon. Peace.
Speaker 1 (38:44):
Comeback Stories is a production of Inflection Network and iHeartRadio.
For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcast,
or wherever you get your podcasts.
Hosts And Creators
Eric Balchunas
Donny Starkins
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