June 9, 2022 • 36 mins
How have our romantic connections changed over the last couple of years? This week, Eva is joined by psychotherapist and relationship expert, Dr. Viviana Coles to discuss our connections to our partners. Eva and Dr. Viviana explore what a healthy relationship looks like, what it truly means to be lucky in love, and how to improve and nurture a healthy romantic relationship.
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome back to Connections with Eva Longoria, And I'm really
pumped about this episode because it's something that I think
we all strive to get right in our life. Sometimes
it's like the goal of our life is meeting the one.
Who's the one? Where's my soul mate, where's my partner,
(00:23):
where's my true love? And so I really wanted to
talk about our connections with strong, healthy relationships, right whether
it's our partner or our husband, or you know, any
sort of intimate relationship, and really step out what we
should be doing, how we should be doing it, why
we should be doing it. And you know, everybody's been
(00:45):
reading about this, how like divorce rates went up during
the pandemic, But at the same time, I was hearing
about a lot of relationships that got stronger during the pandemic,
And so how did those relationships improve over those two years?
Like it was it the actual facing your partner at
dinner every day because you had to be at the
kitchen table because you had nowhere to go um, And
(01:07):
so I found that side more fascinating than the divorce rates.
I was like, oh no, like I feel like that
happened with me and my husband. We just got closer
because we got to spend more time and more intimacy together.
And so UM really excited to talk to our guest today,
Dr Vivianna Coles, about our connection to our partners and
our most intimate relationship. Dr Viviana is the president of
(01:30):
Houston Relationship Therapy. She's the author of Four Intimacy Styles,
The Key to Lasting Physical Intimacy, and you may know
her from the hit show merrit At First Sight. So
please welcome, Dr Viviana. Thank you so much for being here.
Thank you so much for having me Eva. I'm always
revd at to help people see that there is hope
(01:51):
when it comes to connecting with your intimate partners. We
do get inundated with so many negative statistics, right, Yeah,
most people liked to complain about what's going on, and
and that's okay, But the couple who's doing well, it
barely says a word. So yeah, I'm here to help
you all to see that there's a lot of good
that can come from having a really honest intimate connection
(02:14):
with your partner. Oh that's so great, And so I
think people are going to find this episode fascinating because
I agree. I hate focusing on the negative like divorce
rates and the I was like, oh my gosh, no,
no, no no, keep it positive, because I do feel like
people look at BEP and I and they're like, oh
my gosh, you guys have the best like you guys
are a couple goals and and so I'm like, I
(02:35):
don't know, you could do exactly what we do and
not have a good relationship, you know what I mean?
And I feel like every person and every relationship is
obviously so different. But what do you think those couples
have in common that people go, oh, look at that.
I wish I had that. Yeah. I think that the
partnerships that people tend to revere are people and who
(02:57):
in and of themselves are positive people. They tend to
look at the bright side. They tend to look at
the good. We can all pick apart any situation, any person.
We can always go in and with a fine tooth
comb find every single fault. But I think it takes
even more brave and strong people and partners to look
(03:21):
at the good and as much as they possibly can
on a day and day out basis or else? What
are we doing this for? Nobody wants to deplete their
partner we want to add to their experience of this life.
And I think that having a positive attitude can really
help you do that. Yeah, And I also think like
when people ask Pep and I like, you guys have
such a great connection. We got married at forty too,
(03:44):
you know what I mean, Like I made the mistakes
of the other relationships, and I just felt we were
both like I knew exactly what we wanted, and so
some of it was trial and error in life. And
sometimes people also say because I was married three times,
like my Pip is my third husband, people go, oh,
you know, every time I would break up with a
boyfriend or a husband, they would go, oh, even so
unlucky in love, And I go, unlucky, I'm lucky, I've
(04:06):
been married three times. Like That's what I always would
say to people. I'm like, I've actually done pretty good
at love. I'm mom doing great. So I feel like,
you know, looking at it that way as well. Did
people have experiences fall in love, get your heartbroken, get
back up, do it again like that? For me, there's
nothing better in life than loving somebody, um and experiencing
(04:28):
that love from someone and giving that love to somebody.
And so for me, I'm like, I'm lucky. I've been lucky.
I've been married three times. How many times have you
been buried? You know? You know? You know what's interesting
is that you said something earlier. You said, we knew
what we wanted. We were a little bit older than
the traditional right. But it wasn't I would venture to say,
it wasn't so much that you knew what you wanted,
(04:49):
you knew what you didn't want, but more than anything,
you knew who you were and who you were actually
going to be to show up to connect with. Right,
Because so often people who do experience ending a relationship
as a negative or as a failure, which I think
is totally bonk. Those people don't tend to learn from
(05:10):
that that experience because they're so stuck in the negative
side of it. I think you've probably learned more and
more about what works for you and you were able
to then say, Okay, the person that i'm looking for
is going to connect with me, not a moving target. Yeah. Yeah,
So when you met Peppett, you're meeting who he really
(05:30):
is and him as a whole versus somebody who's in
major transition who's still growing, and that you know that
moving target. And I think that that helps you to
be able to stay connected because you knew who you
were and he knew he was. Yeah, I agree, And
it's it is you know, in your twenties, when you're
trying to build your career and you're trying to build
(05:51):
yourself and you're trying to find yourself, it's hard to
fully give yourself to someone else in that moment and
not saying it's not possible because I don't want to
discre it's twenty somethings from going out and experiencing this,
But I just think you know, you you figure it out.
You figure out what you don't want more importantly than
what you do want. And and I do think that
was a big success for me and em Peppa. But
(06:12):
you know, this idea of connection seems obvious in a
romantic partnership. Of course, you have to connect with someone
in your practice and with your clients. You know, you
work with all kinds of couples every day. What is
what have you seen as a strong connection, Like I'm
sure you've seen people that walk into you go these
peoball should just call it quits right now, like there's
(06:35):
no fixing this or you see people that you go out,
they've got their ship together. This is pretty cool. I mean,
what is what is the connection? Just at the fundamental
core of that, like, what should it look like? What
should it be? It should look like? Not fearing vulnerability
because I think a lot of people are scared to
share who they really are and what their true thoughts
(06:55):
are and feelings are, even when they know them, because
they're scared of rejection or they're scared that their partner
isn't going to accept it or like it, or appreciator
or or even listen. So the couples that come in
that I see, Wow, you've got a great connection. They're
just so open and it allows their partner the opportunity
(07:18):
because I truly think it's it's a gift. When someone's
vulnerable with you, it allows them the opportunity to grow
with them, instead of assuming that they're not going to
grow with me. So I'm just not going to share,
and then inevitably those relationships don't work out. Yeah, yeah,
they grow apart. You grow apart. The other idea I've
kind of hated I hate too strong of a word.
(07:41):
I don't hate. You don't hate anything. You cannot like
it is the idea of becoming one. We should become one,
and I think it's comes from obviously religious remember you know,
in the Catholic church getting married and lighting the one
candle and now we are one. And it's like, I
don't agree you are now, you know I don't agree
(08:01):
with that. What do you think about that? I don't
think you can be cause I'm me and you're you,
and I think we we could grow and experience and
and I think that's also another reason are very successful,
is that we're strongly each other, like I am me,
and I am me and my entirety, and I show
up in my life as me, present and alive and
(08:23):
full of whoever I am, and he does the same.
But I don't. I wouldn't say we're one. No, And
I actually wrote about your book. I think it's imperative
that in order to have true intimacy, that you feel
whole and that your partner feels whole, and that you
can roll alongside each other and you're not trying to
complete one another, because I believe that that's a burden
(08:47):
that you put on your partner to complete you. And
we have enough work to do just trying to make
ourselves whole and keep ourselves whole and happy and healthy.
That to put that on your partner and say, okay,
complete me, I think that that puts your connection not
just a jeopardy, but at true risk of constant. It's
(09:12):
like you'd be under attack. It's too much pressure on
another person to fill yourself. It's not anybody else's job.
It's the same thing with like Dr Tavoli said it
about kids. If you ask any parents what is the
number one thing you want for your children, and all
every parent will say, I want my child to be happy, right,
I just want them to be happy. And she's like, no,
(09:34):
you want them to have the tools to experience happiness,
you know. And I was like, oh, and I'm a
huge fan of that. Yes, yes, you want resources. So
people often argue with me because I'm like, I believe
that people can change. I believe that people can thrive
out of situations where they were barely breathing. I do.
(09:56):
I believe that people can change. They have to want
to change, and they have to know how to change.
Those two things are totally separate from from just saying
you know, they can't know. They have to want to
they have to have the desire and they have to
have the tools, and that's where therapy comes in. We
help you to discover those tools within yourself. This I
(10:16):
do believe that people have those internal resources and how
they choose to allocate them. That might have more to
do with the desire. Right if you if you have
a partner that you want to change, for if you
have a goal that you feel motivated to change, where
you're more likely to do it and if not, and
you find a blocker, resistance or obstacles, you've got to
dive into that and figure out what's keeping you from
(10:37):
connecting to this goal. And in relationships, it could be
something from your past. It could be baggage, it could
be fear, it could be anxiety, it could be all
sorts of stuff, and that's where therapy helps. Do you
see gender differences in the desire or need to connect?
I don't see a difference in the desire or need
(10:58):
to connect. I see the screpancy being with the expression
of the need or desire. I see a lot of
men who don't want to need connection, but absolutely wanted
from their partners. I'll just tell in my office, most
men will say I want to feel wanted. I want
(11:21):
her to want me. I know she doesn't need me,
she can handle this on her own, but I want
her to want me. I want her to want me around.
I want her to like me. And I hear women
saying the same thing. So there's this, you know, there's
this sense of what are y'all talking about? Because you
both feel the same way. You both want to feel wanted,
not just need it. Have you seen through COVID more
(11:52):
people needing therapy or like more people losing that connection
or do you see the opposite. I haven't seen that
a lot of people are losing the connection. I think
a lot of people are finding out that the connection
that they have isn't where they would want it to be.
It's almost like we've all been put under a magnifying
glass and it's like, okay, time to evaluate who are
(12:14):
we and what's our connection? Like some people, like you said,
did a really good job of continuing to improve their connection,
and then other people said, wow, the connection that we
have is really toxic or it's really absent of choice
or respect. And so that's what I've been focusing on
(12:35):
with a lot of my clients. What's the connection that
you have versus what is the connection that you want
and what are the obstacles to getting that and is
it something that comes from one of you both of
you from external forces? But yeah, a lot of couples
have definitely focused on their connection during COVID and what
that is. So like, if somebody who doesn't have access
(12:56):
to a therapist like you who can help them discover that,
how can you take an emotional inventory of that yourself?
Like what is something you can do as a couple
or even by yourself to go what is my connection
with my husband? And what are the questions you ask?
What do you think? What's your advice about that? If
people don't have access to a therapist, but they kind
of do want to figure it out. So I think
that the most simple way that they can do that
(13:19):
is when they are in the same room with their partner.
Do they feel like there's an intangible string between them
where they actually feel a sense of connection even if
they're not talking. But if you're in the same room
with your partner, do you feel like you're you've got
like a almost like a symbiotic wave going between you
(13:41):
or do you feel like it makes zero difference? You're
not aware of them, they don't seem aware of you.
They don't acknowledge you, do acknowledge them. Do you leave
the house without any sort of recognition? Kiss a peck?
Do you tell each other what's going on in each
other's lives every day? Big stuff, small stuff, whatever it
(14:03):
is if you're living, Because even roommates tend to talk
to each other more than some of these couples, or
my girlfriend roommates respectful enough, right, they're respectful and to say, hey,
by the way, I'm not gonna be home until much later,
so don't set the alarm or whatever. There are some
couples who they are just so disconnected that they they
(14:25):
just exist, but they don't coexist. And I feel like
that's something that you have to you have to just
feel it. When you're in the room with your partner,
do you feel like it matters that they're even there
or do you feel like you matter being there? And
if not, that's a sign that your connection is very
weak or non existent. So funny, there's this other idea
(14:47):
about negative connection. Like I remember one of my girlfriends
got divorced and they were fighting over the dog. They
didn't have kids and and you know, you know, he
dropped the dog off late this week and no, he
the dog the dog, and all she wanted was a connection.
She didn't care if it was negative or positive to
this X, you know. And I was like, I think
(15:07):
you should give up the dog, like yeah, like it
doesn't feel like it's adding any value to your life.
Let him keep the dog, like you know, your only
connection left with him is negative. It's just and so
what about that negative connection and identifying that, I mean,
because sometimes people think they feel they feel don't think
they feel that's a connection, right, it's fiery, it's something
(15:30):
and you're like, no, it's like a trauma bond or
a drama I mean drama bond. You know. Yeah, Yeah,
there's a lot of people out there who think, well,
if if they didn't get me all fired up, then
that would really be a problem. If we didn't fight
all the time, then that would mean we really just
(15:51):
don't care about each other. No, you can have a
healthy relationship without all of the valleys. You can have some,
but not all those valleys. And depending on what you
grew up with and what your home life was like
as a child, and the examples that you've had around
you about romantic relationships. You may think that that's the
(16:13):
way that things were supposed to be, and they're just
not because those things cost major stress, which of course
in turn causes health issues and all sorts of stuff.
So yeah, it doesn't have to be dramatic to be
worth it. Yeah, And I think that's a young thing
because I'm you know a lot of my relationships were like, oh,
we must care so much because we fight so strongly,
(16:35):
and they were like no, or jealousy, right, remember when
jealousy was like, oh, show me you're jealous and that
shows me that you care. It's like, please don't come
nowadays and like, don't come at me with that. Oh
my god, my, I mean, yes, that's such a young thing,
that insecure jealousy card. Now it's so funny. My husband
and I were like, what, like, it's so not in
(16:57):
our vocabulary of uh intimacy, Like, yeah, it would be
so silly if that had happened, Like, it's such a
silly idea to me, And it's such a waste of energy.
Like if I think back to how many times it
was jealous about something, I'm like, oh, what a waste
of it. It takes so much energy to be jealous.
It's like distrust is so out of style. When you trust,
(17:22):
trust is really fun. Yeah. Um, So I want to
switch gears a little bit to intimacy because I think
obviously connection and intimacy go hand in hand. And I
also think people think intimacy means sex. Sex just means sex, Like,
so can you define as intimacy because there's, like you've
said this before, there's physical intimacy and emotional intimacy. And
I don't think a lot of people know the difference.
(17:44):
I think they assume it's just sex and if there's
no sex, it's bad, or like, so what's the different
there's no and there is any sex doesn't even mean sex, right, Like,
as a certified sex therapist, I'm constantly telling people like, Okay, wait,
what do you mean by when you said you were
having sex? What does that look like? What did you do?
Because it's not always intercourse, So I always try to say, like,
(18:04):
sex doesn't just mean sex, so let's let's define that.
But intimacy, I believe that it is an intangible feeling
of bonding and connection to another human being. And if
you're looking at romantic intimacy. I'm thinking it is the
sense of emotional and physical desire to want to experience pleasure,
(18:28):
to want to be a part of the person's pleasurable
experience of the world, through emotional health, through feelings of
safety and security. I tend to focus on physical intimacy
with my clients because there is so much information, amazing
information out there about how to create and maintain emotional intimacy.
(18:49):
One of the books that I love, I think it's amazing.
I wish i'd come up with it myself. That I
was came out I was too. Yeah, but it is
the Five Love Languages. Love that great resource, such a
great resource, straight to the point everybody gets it. It's
super easy. But what I found is, you know, I've
been practicing for about twenty years, and the last ten
(19:10):
fifteen years, I noticed that, like everybody would say, Okay,
we've got our emotional intimacy down. We love each other,
we know how to talk to each other, we feel
good about things. But when it comes to sex or
physical stuff, we what do we do? How does that work?
So that's why finally I was like, you know what,
I'm gonna put this in a book. The for intimacy style.
So we've got the five love languages. The for intimacy
styles got you covered. But when it comes to intimacy,
(19:33):
it's still very difficult to define because it's something that
you either feel or you don't feel. And intimacy is
not just romantic. You can have intimacy with a friend,
with a coworker, with a child, and it has nothing
to do with sexuality unless you want it to um
as to consensual adults. And I think for the most part,
(19:56):
I believe that if you have emotional and physical intimacy
for the long term, you can have the most satisfying
relationship that lasts forever, which I think most people will
agree with me that that's the goal. The goal is
to have lifelong relationships that are meaningful, that are powerful,
and we cannot discount how important the physical bond is
(20:19):
and how that helps to aid having emotional intimacy and
the long term. But it's a hard thing to come
by because for a lot of people, they prioritize everything
over their physical health and their physical intimacy. And we
see that all the time, and people think it's just
a natural part of life is to let your physical
(20:40):
intimacy go as you get older. That is not true.
It changes shape, it changes born and the two of
you have to work at it. Through my book, The
for Intimacy Styles. What I try to do is say
there are four different motivators or sex. And when I
say sex, I mean all sorts of sexuality. Let's have
fun with this, not just intercourse, and those are to
(21:03):
have giving, release, bonding, and responsive. If you can have
a little bit of each of those in every sexual experience,
you can almost guarantee that your connection physically will maintain
and stay happy and healthy for the long term. So
I stay round out your intimacy style by having about
(21:23):
each and each sexual experience. If you can do that,
I think you're gonna be great. Oh that's so great.
But you know what's so funny too, is when we
talk about intimacy like given if it's emotional or physical.
I remember when I was single, I was fine. My
needs were being met because my girlfriend group is so intimate.
(21:43):
We share everything, we experience, everything, we traveled together, we like,
everything was being fulfilled. So it's interesting that you say, like,
you know, intimacy doesn't mean sex, it means a need
that is just fulfilled in a deep way. Everything doesn't
have to be met by your partner or your romantic partner.
I mean it doesn't, except that if you're wanting to
(22:05):
have an exclusive, monogamous relationship with the same person for
as long as humanly possible, you do need to be
able to have those two parts of your intimacy on point,
because if not, what would be the difference between that
and having a friend. Most people want to be able
(22:25):
to experience intimacy that has the physical and the emotional
with one person. Now, that doesn't mean that you cannot
have parts of you lit up by other people. I
think that's why we live in the communities that we
live in, because yes, girlfriends, parents, kids, animals. I mean,
we have connections that fulfill different pieces of us. You
(22:48):
don't have to marry them, and you don't have to
live with them. You can drop in and out of
their lives. But for people who want companionship that is
fulfilling for the long term and that is monogamous, then
you do have to really focus on having a really nice,
rounded out intimacy style, right you should for sure. Yeah,
(23:08):
I agree with that too, because my husband and I
are interest are the same. Our politics are the same,
our food likes are the same, our travel habits are
the same. You know, it's like, uh, we have the
exact same love language. I mean, we really do. And
it's okay if you don't. Um, what about so? So
intimacy kind of leads to romance And I feel like
(23:30):
this idea of romance is exploited through movies and books then,
and it's it's really set and unrealistic the media and things.
I think I've said, a really unrealistic idea of what
it looks like. And so sometimes you know, we look
at romantic comedies, we're like, well, I want the guy
to runder the airport and do that for me. Well,
(23:52):
that doesn't always happen, and it doesn't have to be
that way. Uh, what is the idea of romance to you? Like,
how do you define romance? So? I think a lot
of people do tend to confuse romance with seduction. I
think that romance is a warm feeling between two people,
and seduction is a hot feeling between two people. And
(24:15):
romance can lead to seduction, but it doesn't always have to.
And I think the happiest couples feel like romance is
something that is just around the corner, whereas people who
tend to be more passionate about each other feel like
romance tends to lead to seduction, and seduction is what
then says, hey, let's go, let's go time, let's have
(24:36):
some fun sexy time. But romance doesn't have to look
any one way. As you've seen, I know you've seen
like there's a you know, chore play with with women
saying please help us do our chores that is so
sexy that makes me want to want to be gave
it more. Yeah, there's there's something to the feeling that
(24:57):
romance is a warm feeling that makes you feel loved
and wanted, makes you feel like your partner cares. It's
not just about the sex, whereas seduction is all about
let's get down to business, right, It's all about trying
to make sure that the goal of intimacy, in the
(25:18):
form of sexual intercourse or any sort of sexual play,
that's the goal. So I think a lot of people
think romance is seduction, but seduction is not romance always.
And do you think we need romance in our relationships.
I think we absolutely need to be able to have
(25:39):
like something stoking the embers of passion. And I know
that that's I'm like, I'm not a poet or anything,
but I like it's I think we do need to
have romance because it allows for us to feel again
that connection with the partner who's just sitting on the
couch next to you. What makes them different, what makes
(26:01):
them stand out from anyone else, is that you do
have that romantic feeling towards them. Yeah, that you just
you want to kiss them, you want to hug them,
you want to touch them, and you want to feel
their touch. You feel like you could lean over and
snuggle with them. And it's more than just a friend.
It's more than just a family member. It's more than
(26:23):
just the dog. Right. They're so good at that though.
But yeah, I think that there needs to be that
in order to make you stand out as a romantic
couple versus just any old friends. I'm always telling my
clients what makes a sexual aspect of a relationship so
important monogamous relationship, but an exclusive relationship is that you
(26:45):
do the one thing that you can't do with anyone else.
Your doctors can see naked. You can sleep with friends.
You're you're traveling, you can sleep in the same beds.
You can say I love you to everyone and anyone
that you choose to. But when it comes to that sexuality,
if you're in a monogonous relationship, then you're only sharing
(27:05):
that with them, and that's special. That makes it feel secret.
That just subs the anti to feeling like, wow, we've
chosen each other in like a really special way. Yeah,
in a deep way. So as families and relationships are evolving,
(27:27):
especially in like social media world and app dating, and
feels like just like I would just tell my husband'
like I get imagine dating today. We're so lucky. I
was like I had to be on a website what
I got, and then on top of that COVID where
you physically couldn't touch somebody like are you tested? I
(27:47):
mean both AIDS and COVID. It's like there's just so much,
so many more obstacles for our young people to jump through.
But I guess those families in really fationships are evolving.
What what what do you want to see for couples
how they can keep strong connections with each other? You know,
what steps do you want people to take or what
(28:09):
what does that look like? It's like don't ever stop
being interested in your partner. Don't ever stop being interested
in what makes them tick, what makes them happy, what
makes them sad, what scares the credit out of them,
what turns them on, I mean, what turns them off, Like,
don't ever stop being interested, because the minute that you
(28:31):
stop being interested, you stop caring first of all, and
you start looking elsewhere. Because I do think that it's
a it's only natural to be curious, and if you're
not going to be curious about your partner, you're going
to be curious about someone else, and then you get
into cheating, affairs, betrayal, deception, and that that does not
(28:55):
feel good to anyone involved, especially the person who's doing it. Yea, uh,
I agree. And I think that like, if you don't
have access to a therapist and you don't know how
to navigate the romantic space or navigate what your connection
should look like, like, there's so many I think there's
so many resources online and books and things that could
(29:18):
really help you ask the right questions, not get the answers,
but like asked the right questions of yourself. Well and
not only that, but you know, just like when you're
trying to grow your business and your career. Woman. So
you get this, your mentors will always say, like, find
somebody who's a great role model, find somebody who seemingly
(29:39):
has the job that you want, and ask them all
the questions about how they got there. It's the same
with having healthy representations of connection and love in the
people around you. Couples who are around other couples who
seem to be happy and healthy. And I say seem
to be because behind closed doors that's another thing, um,
(30:00):
But who tend to spend time around other happy and
healthy couples do better because there are a constant source
of not just positivity, but of resources. How do they communicate,
how do they share when they're scared? How do they
travel well together? All of those things. Try to surround
(30:20):
yourself with couples that you admire and that seemed to
be really respectful of one another. Yeah, the same thing,
because I agree, I have a strong we have such
a strong couple game. Yeah, Like everybody in life is
just like, yeah, they're married and strong. They're married and
strong and again assuming I mean we've been we've all
been together twenty years, like our whole little group, And
it's the same way divorce is contagious. Like I remember
(30:46):
me and my girlfriends, we all got divorced at the
same time, and then we all remarried at the same time,
and now we're all in like very healthy relationships. But
it was so funny. It's like, I feel like the
same way as opposite. Yeah, exactly, And and you want
to protect yourself and you want to sometimes put your
relationship in a bubble. If you're starting to understand that
(31:07):
there's some strife happening, and the couples around you and
your friend groups, of course you want to support them
and encourage them to get professional help because you don't
have the resources to do that on your own, and
you certainly don't want to encourage them to do something
that isn't going to be great for them, but you
do want to sometimes say, Okay, sure up, let's do this.
(31:28):
We gotta you know, people around us are are starting
to argue in bicker and they're going negative. We need
to protect ourselves from that and not let that poison us.
And like you said, it can be contagious, especially because
as women, we want to feel like we're relating to
the people around us, and if all they're talking about
(31:48):
is how much they hate their partner or hate their job,
which I think is a strong word to I think
it's important that you don't necessarily buy into that because
that can start to really seep into your relationship and
you don't have to join them to be supportive. Yeah, yeah,
(32:09):
I agree that you're right. That happens with anything, like
everything you digest, if it's toxic social media, if it's
toxic friends, if it's toxic couples, like you are absorbing
all of that, and so really, I think we have
to curate our our life to be consuming what we
(32:31):
want to be or what we want to feel like.
And I do think if you have that friend who's like,
I hate my job, I hate my this, I hate
my that, gossiping about everybody, gossiping about it, and you're
like you be, you become that right, like it just
as a matter of time before you hate your job.
You're gossiping about everybody like I can't find a man.
Me neither, I can't find a man. This world sucks. Yeah, yeah,
the world sucks. You know, Yes, you need the opposite.
(32:54):
I think you need the opposite. So I couldn't agree
more so important, um so I ask every I'm so
excited this has been such a fascinating conversation because it
feels simple, do you know what I mean? Like, I
think we do over complicate this. I think that there
are times where it feels like it's You're like, how
will I ever really truly be intimate with someone else
(33:16):
if you struggle with it. But I think if you
are feeling whole, and you're feeling positive, and you're feeling curious,
intimacy is just around the corner. It really is, And
most of the time you're going to experience what it
feels like when you are constantly and consistently showing interest
(33:40):
in your partnership, showing interest in your partner, and growing
as a person in and of yourself. I think it
you gotta keep yourself interesting to be interesting, Like, you
gotta and add something. You know. We're always talking about
people who are at the dinner table and they're just
on their phones and they're not talking to each other. Yes,
(34:00):
and like there are times where I'm like, I got
to answer this email or something's going on but my partner.
But that's the exception, you know what I mean, exception
not but you want to be that person who who
either read something interesting or did something interesting to share
with your partner at the end of the day. Now,
(34:21):
there is such a thing as being too connected through communication,
because there are sometimes couples that are like, we have
nothing to talk about at night because we have literally
followed each other throughout the day and we've already discussed everything.
There's some there's some call for mystery. Right, Your partner
doesn't have to know every single thing you're doing all
(34:41):
the time, um, because you do want to have something
to talk about on date night on Thursday. Right, Yeah,
there's something to that too. I agree. So I ask
every guest this before we wrap up, what's a book
everybody must read? It could be one of your books,
it could be something else. You know. I'm a huge
fan of another Texan, Brinnie Brown, Brannie Brown right everyday Brown.
(35:07):
Oh my god, I'm a huge fan of um Darren greatly.
When you can understand yourself better, you're just going to
show up for your relationships better. So I think she
does an amazing job of helping us to really be
insightful and learn about what makes us tick and where
our flaws are and how to get out of those
and and really show up for ourselves and then our partners.
(35:30):
And of course my book The for Intimacy Styles. I
think I just really want to get the word out
about it. I think that people deserve to have marriages
and the investment that they put into their relationships emotionally,
I think that they deserve to also know how to
do that physically for the long term. And I don't
(35:50):
want anyone to break up just because they've lost that
physical connection. So yeah, for intimacy styles. Yes, well, thank
you so much for jumping on and really helping us
walk through you know, what our connection should be with
our significant others. This is a good kind of macro view.
(36:11):
I always like to just like give a macro conversation
about it, of like the why why should we even
have connections? And and so You've just been so insightful
and I'm so so grateful for your time today. Thank
you so much for having me either, Thank you so
much for listening. I'm happy to be connected with you.
(36:33):
Connections with Evil Lamaria is a production of Unbelievable entertainment
in partnership with I Hearts Michael Pura podcast Network. For
more podcasts from my Heart, visit the I heart radio, app,
Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
Welcome back to Connections with Eva Longoria, And I'm really
pumped about this episode because it's something that I think
we all strive to get right in our life. Sometimes
it's like the goal of our life is meeting the one.
Who's the one? Where's my soul mate, where's my partner,
(00:23):
where's my true love? And so I really wanted to
talk about our connections with strong, healthy relationships, right whether
it's our partner or our husband, or you know, any
sort of intimate relationship, and really step out what we
should be doing, how we should be doing it, why
we should be doing it. And you know, everybody's been
(00:45):
reading about this, how like divorce rates went up during
the pandemic, But at the same time, I was hearing
about a lot of relationships that got stronger during the pandemic,
And so how did those relationships improve over those two years?
Like it was it the actual facing your partner at
dinner every day because you had to be at the
kitchen table because you had nowhere to go um, And
(01:07):
so I found that side more fascinating than the divorce rates.
I was like, oh no, like I feel like that
happened with me and my husband. We just got closer
because we got to spend more time and more intimacy together.
And so UM really excited to talk to our guest today,
Dr Vivianna Coles, about our connection to our partners and
our most intimate relationship. Dr Viviana is the president of
(01:30):
Houston Relationship Therapy. She's the author of Four Intimacy Styles,
The Key to Lasting Physical Intimacy, and you may know
her from the hit show merrit At First Sight. So
please welcome, Dr Viviana. Thank you so much for being here.
Thank you so much for having me Eva. I'm always
revd at to help people see that there is hope
(01:51):
when it comes to connecting with your intimate partners. We
do get inundated with so many negative statistics, right, Yeah,
most people liked to complain about what's going on, and
and that's okay, But the couple who's doing well, it
barely says a word. So yeah, I'm here to help
you all to see that there's a lot of good
that can come from having a really honest intimate connection
(02:14):
with your partner. Oh that's so great, And so I
think people are going to find this episode fascinating because
I agree. I hate focusing on the negative like divorce
rates and the I was like, oh my gosh, no,
no, no no, keep it positive, because I do feel like
people look at BEP and I and they're like, oh
my gosh, you guys have the best like you guys
are a couple goals and and so I'm like, I
(02:35):
don't know, you could do exactly what we do and
not have a good relationship, you know what I mean?
And I feel like every person and every relationship is
obviously so different. But what do you think those couples
have in common that people go, oh, look at that.
I wish I had that. Yeah. I think that the
partnerships that people tend to revere are people and who
(02:57):
in and of themselves are positive people. They tend to
look at the bright side. They tend to look at
the good. We can all pick apart any situation, any person.
We can always go in and with a fine tooth
comb find every single fault. But I think it takes
even more brave and strong people and partners to look
(03:21):
at the good and as much as they possibly can
on a day and day out basis or else? What
are we doing this for? Nobody wants to deplete their
partner we want to add to their experience of this life.
And I think that having a positive attitude can really
help you do that. Yeah, And I also think like
when people ask Pep and I like, you guys have
such a great connection. We got married at forty too,
(03:44):
you know what I mean, Like I made the mistakes
of the other relationships, and I just felt we were
both like I knew exactly what we wanted, and so
some of it was trial and error in life. And
sometimes people also say because I was married three times,
like my Pip is my third husband, people go, oh,
you know, every time I would break up with a
boyfriend or a husband, they would go, oh, even so
unlucky in love, And I go, unlucky, I'm lucky, I've
(04:06):
been married three times. Like That's what I always would
say to people. I'm like, I've actually done pretty good
at love. I'm mom doing great. So I feel like,
you know, looking at it that way as well. Did
people have experiences fall in love, get your heartbroken, get
back up, do it again like that? For me, there's
nothing better in life than loving somebody, um and experiencing
(04:28):
that love from someone and giving that love to somebody.
And so for me, I'm like, I'm lucky. I've been lucky.
I've been married three times. How many times have you
been buried? You know? You know? You know what's interesting
is that you said something earlier. You said, we knew
what we wanted. We were a little bit older than
the traditional right. But it wasn't I would venture to say,
it wasn't so much that you knew what you wanted,
(04:49):
you knew what you didn't want, but more than anything,
you knew who you were and who you were actually
going to be to show up to connect with. Right,
Because so often people who do experience ending a relationship
as a negative or as a failure, which I think
is totally bonk. Those people don't tend to learn from
(05:10):
that that experience because they're so stuck in the negative
side of it. I think you've probably learned more and
more about what works for you and you were able
to then say, Okay, the person that i'm looking for
is going to connect with me, not a moving target. Yeah. Yeah,
So when you met Peppett, you're meeting who he really
(05:30):
is and him as a whole versus somebody who's in
major transition who's still growing, and that you know that
moving target. And I think that that helps you to
be able to stay connected because you knew who you
were and he knew he was. Yeah, I agree, And
it's it is you know, in your twenties, when you're
trying to build your career and you're trying to build
(05:51):
yourself and you're trying to find yourself, it's hard to
fully give yourself to someone else in that moment and
not saying it's not possible because I don't want to
discre it's twenty somethings from going out and experiencing this,
But I just think you know, you you figure it out.
You figure out what you don't want more importantly than
what you do want. And and I do think that
was a big success for me and em Peppa. But
(06:12):
you know, this idea of connection seems obvious in a
romantic partnership. Of course, you have to connect with someone
in your practice and with your clients. You know, you
work with all kinds of couples every day. What is
what have you seen as a strong connection, Like I'm
sure you've seen people that walk into you go these
peoball should just call it quits right now, like there's
(06:35):
no fixing this or you see people that you go out,
they've got their ship together. This is pretty cool. I mean,
what is what is the connection? Just at the fundamental
core of that, like, what should it look like? What
should it be? It should look like? Not fearing vulnerability
because I think a lot of people are scared to
share who they really are and what their true thoughts
(06:55):
are and feelings are, even when they know them, because
they're scared of rejection or they're scared that their partner
isn't going to accept it or like it, or appreciator
or or even listen. So the couples that come in
that I see, Wow, you've got a great connection. They're
just so open and it allows their partner the opportunity
(07:18):
because I truly think it's it's a gift. When someone's
vulnerable with you, it allows them the opportunity to grow
with them, instead of assuming that they're not going to
grow with me. So I'm just not going to share,
and then inevitably those relationships don't work out. Yeah, yeah,
they grow apart. You grow apart. The other idea I've
kind of hated I hate too strong of a word.
(07:41):
I don't hate. You don't hate anything. You cannot like
it is the idea of becoming one. We should become one,
and I think it's comes from obviously religious remember you know,
in the Catholic church getting married and lighting the one
candle and now we are one. And it's like, I
don't agree you are now, you know I don't agree
(08:01):
with that. What do you think about that? I don't
think you can be cause I'm me and you're you,
and I think we we could grow and experience and
and I think that's also another reason are very successful,
is that we're strongly each other, like I am me,
and I am me and my entirety, and I show
up in my life as me, present and alive and
(08:23):
full of whoever I am, and he does the same.
But I don't. I wouldn't say we're one. No, And
I actually wrote about your book. I think it's imperative
that in order to have true intimacy, that you feel
whole and that your partner feels whole, and that you
can roll alongside each other and you're not trying to
complete one another, because I believe that that's a burden
(08:47):
that you put on your partner to complete you. And
we have enough work to do just trying to make
ourselves whole and keep ourselves whole and happy and healthy.
That to put that on your partner and say, okay,
complete me, I think that that puts your connection not
just a jeopardy, but at true risk of constant. It's
(09:12):
like you'd be under attack. It's too much pressure on
another person to fill yourself. It's not anybody else's job.
It's the same thing with like Dr Tavoli said it
about kids. If you ask any parents what is the
number one thing you want for your children, and all
every parent will say, I want my child to be happy, right,
I just want them to be happy. And she's like, no,
(09:34):
you want them to have the tools to experience happiness,
you know. And I was like, oh, and I'm a
huge fan of that. Yes, yes, you want resources. So
people often argue with me because I'm like, I believe
that people can change. I believe that people can thrive
out of situations where they were barely breathing. I do.
(09:56):
I believe that people can change. They have to want
to change, and they have to know how to change.
Those two things are totally separate from from just saying
you know, they can't know. They have to want to
they have to have the desire and they have to
have the tools, and that's where therapy comes in. We
help you to discover those tools within yourself. This I
(10:16):
do believe that people have those internal resources and how
they choose to allocate them. That might have more to
do with the desire. Right if you if you have
a partner that you want to change, for if you
have a goal that you feel motivated to change, where
you're more likely to do it and if not, and
you find a blocker, resistance or obstacles, you've got to
dive into that and figure out what's keeping you from
(10:37):
connecting to this goal. And in relationships, it could be
something from your past. It could be baggage, it could
be fear, it could be anxiety, it could be all
sorts of stuff, and that's where therapy helps. Do you
see gender differences in the desire or need to connect?
I don't see a difference in the desire or need
(10:58):
to connect. I see the screpancy being with the expression
of the need or desire. I see a lot of
men who don't want to need connection, but absolutely wanted
from their partners. I'll just tell in my office, most
men will say I want to feel wanted. I want
(11:21):
her to want me. I know she doesn't need me,
she can handle this on her own, but I want
her to want me. I want her to want me around.
I want her to like me. And I hear women
saying the same thing. So there's this, you know, there's
this sense of what are y'all talking about? Because you
both feel the same way. You both want to feel wanted,
not just need it. Have you seen through COVID more
(11:52):
people needing therapy or like more people losing that connection
or do you see the opposite. I haven't seen that
a lot of people are losing the connection. I think
a lot of people are finding out that the connection
that they have isn't where they would want it to be.
It's almost like we've all been put under a magnifying
glass and it's like, okay, time to evaluate who are
(12:14):
we and what's our connection? Like some people, like you said,
did a really good job of continuing to improve their connection,
and then other people said, wow, the connection that we
have is really toxic or it's really absent of choice
or respect. And so that's what I've been focusing on
(12:35):
with a lot of my clients. What's the connection that
you have versus what is the connection that you want
and what are the obstacles to getting that and is
it something that comes from one of you both of
you from external forces? But yeah, a lot of couples
have definitely focused on their connection during COVID and what
that is. So like, if somebody who doesn't have access
(12:56):
to a therapist like you who can help them discover that,
how can you take an emotional inventory of that yourself?
Like what is something you can do as a couple
or even by yourself to go what is my connection
with my husband? And what are the questions you ask?
What do you think? What's your advice about that? If
people don't have access to a therapist, but they kind
of do want to figure it out. So I think
that the most simple way that they can do that
(13:19):
is when they are in the same room with their partner.
Do they feel like there's an intangible string between them
where they actually feel a sense of connection even if
they're not talking. But if you're in the same room
with your partner, do you feel like you're you've got
like a almost like a symbiotic wave going between you
(13:41):
or do you feel like it makes zero difference? You're
not aware of them, they don't seem aware of you.
They don't acknowledge you, do acknowledge them. Do you leave
the house without any sort of recognition? Kiss a peck?
Do you tell each other what's going on in each
other's lives every day? Big stuff, small stuff, whatever it
(14:03):
is if you're living, Because even roommates tend to talk
to each other more than some of these couples, or
my girlfriend roommates respectful enough, right, they're respectful and to say, hey,
by the way, I'm not gonna be home until much later,
so don't set the alarm or whatever. There are some
couples who they are just so disconnected that they they
(14:25):
just exist, but they don't coexist. And I feel like
that's something that you have to you have to just
feel it. When you're in the room with your partner,
do you feel like it matters that they're even there
or do you feel like you matter being there? And
if not, that's a sign that your connection is very
weak or non existent. So funny, there's this other idea
(14:47):
about negative connection. Like I remember one of my girlfriends
got divorced and they were fighting over the dog. They
didn't have kids and and you know, you know, he
dropped the dog off late this week and no, he
the dog the dog, and all she wanted was a connection.
She didn't care if it was negative or positive to
this X, you know. And I was like, I think
(15:07):
you should give up the dog, like yeah, like it
doesn't feel like it's adding any value to your life.
Let him keep the dog, like you know, your only
connection left with him is negative. It's just and so
what about that negative connection and identifying that, I mean,
because sometimes people think they feel they feel don't think
they feel that's a connection, right, it's fiery, it's something
(15:30):
and you're like, no, it's like a trauma bond or
a drama I mean drama bond. You know. Yeah, Yeah,
there's a lot of people out there who think, well,
if if they didn't get me all fired up, then
that would really be a problem. If we didn't fight
all the time, then that would mean we really just
(15:51):
don't care about each other. No, you can have a
healthy relationship without all of the valleys. You can have some,
but not all those valleys. And depending on what you
grew up with and what your home life was like
as a child, and the examples that you've had around
you about romantic relationships. You may think that that's the
(16:13):
way that things were supposed to be, and they're just
not because those things cost major stress, which of course
in turn causes health issues and all sorts of stuff.
So yeah, it doesn't have to be dramatic to be
worth it. Yeah, And I think that's a young thing
because I'm you know a lot of my relationships were like, oh,
we must care so much because we fight so strongly,
(16:35):
and they were like no, or jealousy, right, remember when
jealousy was like, oh, show me you're jealous and that
shows me that you care. It's like, please don't come
nowadays and like, don't come at me with that. Oh
my god, my, I mean, yes, that's such a young thing,
that insecure jealousy card. Now it's so funny. My husband
and I were like, what, like, it's so not in
(16:57):
our vocabulary of uh intimacy, Like, yeah, it would be
so silly if that had happened, Like, it's such a
silly idea to me, And it's such a waste of energy.
Like if I think back to how many times it
was jealous about something, I'm like, oh, what a waste
of it. It takes so much energy to be jealous.
It's like distrust is so out of style. When you trust,
(17:22):
trust is really fun. Yeah. Um, So I want to
switch gears a little bit to intimacy because I think
obviously connection and intimacy go hand in hand. And I
also think people think intimacy means sex. Sex just means sex, Like,
so can you define as intimacy because there's, like you've
said this before, there's physical intimacy and emotional intimacy. And
I don't think a lot of people know the difference.
(17:44):
I think they assume it's just sex and if there's
no sex, it's bad, or like, so what's the different
there's no and there is any sex doesn't even mean sex, right, Like,
as a certified sex therapist, I'm constantly telling people like, Okay, wait,
what do you mean by when you said you were
having sex? What does that look like? What did you do?
Because it's not always intercourse, So I always try to say, like,
(18:04):
sex doesn't just mean sex, so let's let's define that.
But intimacy, I believe that it is an intangible feeling
of bonding and connection to another human being. And if
you're looking at romantic intimacy. I'm thinking it is the
sense of emotional and physical desire to want to experience pleasure,
(18:28):
to want to be a part of the person's pleasurable
experience of the world, through emotional health, through feelings of
safety and security. I tend to focus on physical intimacy
with my clients because there is so much information, amazing
information out there about how to create and maintain emotional intimacy.
(18:49):
One of the books that I love, I think it's amazing.
I wish i'd come up with it myself. That I
was came out I was too. Yeah, but it is
the Five Love Languages. Love that great resource, such a
great resource, straight to the point everybody gets it. It's
super easy. But what I found is, you know, I've
been practicing for about twenty years, and the last ten
(19:10):
fifteen years, I noticed that, like everybody would say, Okay,
we've got our emotional intimacy down. We love each other,
we know how to talk to each other, we feel
good about things. But when it comes to sex or
physical stuff, we what do we do? How does that work?
So that's why finally I was like, you know what,
I'm gonna put this in a book. The for intimacy style.
So we've got the five love languages. The for intimacy
styles got you covered. But when it comes to intimacy,
(19:33):
it's still very difficult to define because it's something that
you either feel or you don't feel. And intimacy is
not just romantic. You can have intimacy with a friend,
with a coworker, with a child, and it has nothing
to do with sexuality unless you want it to um
as to consensual adults. And I think for the most part,
(19:56):
I believe that if you have emotional and physical intimacy
for the long term, you can have the most satisfying
relationship that lasts forever, which I think most people will
agree with me that that's the goal. The goal is
to have lifelong relationships that are meaningful, that are powerful,
and we cannot discount how important the physical bond is
(20:19):
and how that helps to aid having emotional intimacy and
the long term. But it's a hard thing to come
by because for a lot of people, they prioritize everything
over their physical health and their physical intimacy. And we
see that all the time, and people think it's just
a natural part of life is to let your physical
(20:40):
intimacy go as you get older. That is not true.
It changes shape, it changes born and the two of
you have to work at it. Through my book, The
for Intimacy Styles. What I try to do is say
there are four different motivators or sex. And when I
say sex, I mean all sorts of sexuality. Let's have
fun with this, not just intercourse, and those are to
(21:03):
have giving, release, bonding, and responsive. If you can have
a little bit of each of those in every sexual experience,
you can almost guarantee that your connection physically will maintain
and stay happy and healthy for the long term. So
I stay round out your intimacy style by having about
(21:23):
each and each sexual experience. If you can do that,
I think you're gonna be great. Oh that's so great.
But you know what's so funny too, is when we
talk about intimacy like given if it's emotional or physical.
I remember when I was single, I was fine. My
needs were being met because my girlfriend group is so intimate.
(21:43):
We share everything, we experience, everything, we traveled together, we like,
everything was being fulfilled. So it's interesting that you say, like,
you know, intimacy doesn't mean sex, it means a need
that is just fulfilled in a deep way. Everything doesn't
have to be met by your partner or your romantic partner.
I mean it doesn't, except that if you're wanting to
(22:05):
have an exclusive, monogamous relationship with the same person for
as long as humanly possible, you do need to be
able to have those two parts of your intimacy on point,
because if not, what would be the difference between that
and having a friend. Most people want to be able
(22:25):
to experience intimacy that has the physical and the emotional
with one person. Now, that doesn't mean that you cannot
have parts of you lit up by other people. I
think that's why we live in the communities that we
live in, because yes, girlfriends, parents, kids, animals. I mean,
we have connections that fulfill different pieces of us. You
(22:48):
don't have to marry them, and you don't have to
live with them. You can drop in and out of
their lives. But for people who want companionship that is
fulfilling for the long term and that is monogamous, then
you do have to really focus on having a really nice,
rounded out intimacy style, right you should for sure. Yeah,
(23:08):
I agree with that too, because my husband and I
are interest are the same. Our politics are the same,
our food likes are the same, our travel habits are
the same. You know, it's like, uh, we have the
exact same love language. I mean, we really do. And
it's okay if you don't. Um, what about so? So
intimacy kind of leads to romance And I feel like
(23:30):
this idea of romance is exploited through movies and books then,
and it's it's really set and unrealistic the media and things.
I think I've said, a really unrealistic idea of what
it looks like. And so sometimes you know, we look
at romantic comedies, we're like, well, I want the guy
to runder the airport and do that for me. Well,
(23:52):
that doesn't always happen, and it doesn't have to be
that way. Uh, what is the idea of romance to you? Like,
how do you define romance? So? I think a lot
of people do tend to confuse romance with seduction. I
think that romance is a warm feeling between two people,
and seduction is a hot feeling between two people. And
(24:15):
romance can lead to seduction, but it doesn't always have to.
And I think the happiest couples feel like romance is
something that is just around the corner, whereas people who
tend to be more passionate about each other feel like
romance tends to lead to seduction, and seduction is what
then says, hey, let's go, let's go time, let's have
(24:36):
some fun sexy time. But romance doesn't have to look
any one way. As you've seen, I know you've seen
like there's a you know, chore play with with women
saying please help us do our chores that is so
sexy that makes me want to want to be gave
it more. Yeah, there's there's something to the feeling that
(24:57):
romance is a warm feeling that makes you feel loved
and wanted, makes you feel like your partner cares. It's
not just about the sex, whereas seduction is all about
let's get down to business, right, It's all about trying
to make sure that the goal of intimacy, in the
(25:18):
form of sexual intercourse or any sort of sexual play,
that's the goal. So I think a lot of people
think romance is seduction, but seduction is not romance always.
And do you think we need romance in our relationships.
I think we absolutely need to be able to have
(25:39):
like something stoking the embers of passion. And I know
that that's I'm like, I'm not a poet or anything,
but I like it's I think we do need to
have romance because it allows for us to feel again
that connection with the partner who's just sitting on the
couch next to you. What makes them different, what makes
(26:01):
them stand out from anyone else, is that you do
have that romantic feeling towards them. Yeah, that you just
you want to kiss them, you want to hug them,
you want to touch them, and you want to feel
their touch. You feel like you could lean over and
snuggle with them. And it's more than just a friend.
It's more than just a family member. It's more than
(26:23):
just the dog. Right. They're so good at that though.
But yeah, I think that there needs to be that
in order to make you stand out as a romantic
couple versus just any old friends. I'm always telling my
clients what makes a sexual aspect of a relationship so
important monogamous relationship, but an exclusive relationship is that you
(26:45):
do the one thing that you can't do with anyone else.
Your doctors can see naked. You can sleep with friends.
You're you're traveling, you can sleep in the same beds.
You can say I love you to everyone and anyone
that you choose to. But when it comes to that sexuality,
if you're in a monogonous relationship, then you're only sharing
(27:05):
that with them, and that's special. That makes it feel secret.
That just subs the anti to feeling like, wow, we've
chosen each other in like a really special way. Yeah,
in a deep way. So as families and relationships are evolving,
(27:27):
especially in like social media world and app dating, and
feels like just like I would just tell my husband'
like I get imagine dating today. We're so lucky. I
was like I had to be on a website what
I got, and then on top of that COVID where
you physically couldn't touch somebody like are you tested? I
(27:47):
mean both AIDS and COVID. It's like there's just so much,
so many more obstacles for our young people to jump through.
But I guess those families in really fationships are evolving.
What what what do you want to see for couples
how they can keep strong connections with each other? You know,
what steps do you want people to take or what
(28:09):
what does that look like? It's like don't ever stop
being interested in your partner. Don't ever stop being interested
in what makes them tick, what makes them happy, what
makes them sad, what scares the credit out of them,
what turns them on, I mean, what turns them off, Like,
don't ever stop being interested, because the minute that you
(28:31):
stop being interested, you stop caring first of all, and
you start looking elsewhere. Because I do think that it's
a it's only natural to be curious, and if you're
not going to be curious about your partner, you're going
to be curious about someone else, and then you get
into cheating, affairs, betrayal, deception, and that that does not
(28:55):
feel good to anyone involved, especially the person who's doing it. Yea, uh,
I agree. And I think that like, if you don't
have access to a therapist and you don't know how
to navigate the romantic space or navigate what your connection
should look like, like, there's so many I think there's
so many resources online and books and things that could
(29:18):
really help you ask the right questions, not get the answers,
but like asked the right questions of yourself. Well and
not only that, but you know, just like when you're
trying to grow your business and your career. Woman. So
you get this, your mentors will always say, like, find
somebody who's a great role model, find somebody who seemingly
(29:39):
has the job that you want, and ask them all
the questions about how they got there. It's the same
with having healthy representations of connection and love in the
people around you. Couples who are around other couples who
seem to be happy and healthy. And I say seem
to be because behind closed doors that's another thing, um,
(30:00):
But who tend to spend time around other happy and
healthy couples do better because there are a constant source
of not just positivity, but of resources. How do they communicate,
how do they share when they're scared? How do they
travel well together? All of those things. Try to surround
(30:20):
yourself with couples that you admire and that seemed to
be really respectful of one another. Yeah, the same thing,
because I agree, I have a strong we have such
a strong couple game. Yeah, Like everybody in life is
just like, yeah, they're married and strong. They're married and
strong and again assuming I mean we've been we've all
been together twenty years, like our whole little group, And
it's the same way divorce is contagious. Like I remember
(30:46):
me and my girlfriends, we all got divorced at the
same time, and then we all remarried at the same time,
and now we're all in like very healthy relationships. But
it was so funny. It's like, I feel like the
same way as opposite. Yeah, exactly, And and you want
to protect yourself and you want to sometimes put your
relationship in a bubble. If you're starting to understand that
(31:07):
there's some strife happening, and the couples around you and
your friend groups, of course you want to support them
and encourage them to get professional help because you don't
have the resources to do that on your own, and
you certainly don't want to encourage them to do something
that isn't going to be great for them, but you
do want to sometimes say, Okay, sure up, let's do this.
(31:28):
We gotta you know, people around us are are starting
to argue in bicker and they're going negative. We need
to protect ourselves from that and not let that poison us.
And like you said, it can be contagious, especially because
as women, we want to feel like we're relating to
the people around us, and if all they're talking about
(31:48):
is how much they hate their partner or hate their job,
which I think is a strong word to I think
it's important that you don't necessarily buy into that because
that can start to really seep into your relationship and
you don't have to join them to be supportive. Yeah, yeah,
(32:09):
I agree that you're right. That happens with anything, like
everything you digest, if it's toxic social media, if it's
toxic friends, if it's toxic couples, like you are absorbing
all of that, and so really, I think we have
to curate our our life to be consuming what we
(32:31):
want to be or what we want to feel like.
And I do think if you have that friend who's like,
I hate my job, I hate my this, I hate
my that, gossiping about everybody, gossiping about it, and you're
like you be, you become that right, like it just
as a matter of time before you hate your job.
You're gossiping about everybody like I can't find a man.
Me neither, I can't find a man. This world sucks. Yeah, yeah,
the world sucks. You know, Yes, you need the opposite.
(32:54):
I think you need the opposite. So I couldn't agree
more so important, um so I ask every I'm so
excited this has been such a fascinating conversation because it
feels simple, do you know what I mean? Like, I
think we do over complicate this. I think that there
are times where it feels like it's You're like, how
will I ever really truly be intimate with someone else
(33:16):
if you struggle with it. But I think if you
are feeling whole, and you're feeling positive, and you're feeling curious,
intimacy is just around the corner. It really is, And
most of the time you're going to experience what it
feels like when you are constantly and consistently showing interest
(33:40):
in your partnership, showing interest in your partner, and growing
as a person in and of yourself. I think it
you gotta keep yourself interesting to be interesting, Like, you
gotta and add something. You know. We're always talking about
people who are at the dinner table and they're just
on their phones and they're not talking to each other. Yes,
(34:00):
and like there are times where I'm like, I got
to answer this email or something's going on but my partner.
But that's the exception, you know what I mean, exception
not but you want to be that person who who
either read something interesting or did something interesting to share
with your partner at the end of the day. Now,
(34:21):
there is such a thing as being too connected through communication,
because there are sometimes couples that are like, we have
nothing to talk about at night because we have literally
followed each other throughout the day and we've already discussed everything.
There's some there's some call for mystery. Right, Your partner
doesn't have to know every single thing you're doing all
(34:41):
the time, um, because you do want to have something
to talk about on date night on Thursday. Right, Yeah,
there's something to that too. I agree. So I ask
every guest this before we wrap up, what's a book
everybody must read? It could be one of your books,
it could be something else. You know. I'm a huge
fan of another Texan, Brinnie Brown, Brannie Brown right everyday Brown.
(35:07):
Oh my god, I'm a huge fan of um Darren greatly.
When you can understand yourself better, you're just going to
show up for your relationships better. So I think she
does an amazing job of helping us to really be
insightful and learn about what makes us tick and where
our flaws are and how to get out of those
and and really show up for ourselves and then our partners.
(35:30):
And of course my book The for Intimacy Styles. I
think I just really want to get the word out
about it. I think that people deserve to have marriages
and the investment that they put into their relationships emotionally,
I think that they deserve to also know how to
do that physically for the long term. And I don't
(35:50):
want anyone to break up just because they've lost that
physical connection. So yeah, for intimacy styles. Yes, well, thank
you so much for jumping on and really helping us
walk through you know, what our connection should be with
our significant others. This is a good kind of macro view.
(36:11):
I always like to just like give a macro conversation
about it, of like the why why should we even
have connections? And and so You've just been so insightful
and I'm so so grateful for your time today. Thank
you so much for having me either, Thank you so
much for listening. I'm happy to be connected with you.
(36:33):
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