August 26, 2022 • 60 mins
FOX GUEST SAYS TRUMP MAY HAVE TAKEN NUCLEAR RETALIATION PLANS
A BLOCK: (1:50) We know Trump took nuclear weapons documents, information "among the most sensitive secrets we hold," documents marked "Special Access Programs" (2:19) What if it's even worse? What if it's worse than the worst we could imagine? (3:37) What if every crazy rumor about nuclear codes and invoking of The Rosenbergs is not only apt, but an understatement? (4:23) Biography of former Washington Post and Wall Street Journal investigative reporter Ronald Kessler (5:12) Kessler, a past Trump apologist, appears on Fox News Channel Thursday night (6:30) Kessler says what Trump took "could very well include the plans for counterstriking against Russia in the event of a nuclear attack" (8:50) Or, "penetrations by the CIA of foreign embassies, of foreign leaders like Putin, as well as recruitments of spies overseas." And that the Russians would've been trying to get a spy into Mar-a-Lago, and may have succeeded (11:00) Reinhart poised to release search warrant affidavit with all redactions the government requested (12:08) CNN reports Trump has been getting legal advice from non-lawyer Tom Fitton (12:56) Fox Business reports his web host may sue Trump for non-payment for Truth Social (13:40) We should assume that what's in Trump's Pandora's Box could be worse than we can possibly imagine.
B BLOCK: (17:30) Every Dog Has Its Day: Duo-Duo has been saved! And I'm plugging the Schwarzman Animal Center's "AMC To The Rescue" fund to treat shelter and pound pets who need medical help (18:59) Postscripts To The News: White House burns Republicans complaining about Student Loan Forgiveness program who themselves got PPP Loan Forgiveness - like Marjorie Trailer Park Greene (21:27) Who says she was swatted - again (22:01) Bill Barr turns on Trump (22:48) Couple confesses to stealing President's daughter's diary for Project Veritas (23:14) Tim Scott thinks "fruitful" and "fruit-filled" are the same word (25:04) Sports: Bryce Harper returns to the Phillies and that might be BAD news (25:40) Bengals-Rams scrimmage fight recalls Cletus The Slack-Jawed Yokel from The Simpsons (26:19) Anniversary of the ESPN2 show - and song, and the back story of how we launched it to mess with Fox (32:00) Jared Kushner, Doug Mastriano, and Ron DeSantis compete for Worst Persons dishonors.
C BLOCK: (37:13) Time for James Thurber and a short story that invokes Red Barber and Vin Scully (37:50) And might've become a film directed by Burt Lancaster (38:00) Regardless, it's one of his best: The Catbird Seat.
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
Countdown with Keith Olderman is a production of I Heart Radio.
(00:31):
We know Trump took documents related to nuclear weapons. We
know Trump took documents that include quote among the most
sensitive secrets we hold. We know Trump took documents from
special access programs. But what we do not know is
the answer to a chilling question so terrifying to contemplate
(00:53):
that it is almost impossible to give voice to that
question is what if it is even worse than all that?
What if it's worse than we can imagine? What if
phrases like documents related to nuclear weapons and among the
most sensitive secrets we hold and special access programs are
(01:15):
not dire descriptions of treachery, unmatched in American history? What
if they are convenient euphemisms. What if it's worse? What
if that which Trump stole, truly, genuinely, without hyperbole, threatens
(01:37):
the very existence of this country, or threatens the very
existence of life on this planet. What if every fear
about his ego and about his inability to recognize that
other people have any meaning independent of his own desires.
What if every fear about his incapacity to be human
(01:57):
and his inability to feel guilt or responsibility or empathy.
What if all those fears are in fact understatements. What
if it is worse than the worst you could imagine
Thursday night, in the least likely venue, from the least
(02:18):
likely person, in the most matter of fact way, we
got a hint that perhaps we should prepare for the
possibility that it is worse than we can imagine. That
every friend of your friend's friend who knows somebody at
the Bureau and says he stole the nuclear codes, or
the commentator who from the beginning was invoking Julius and
(02:39):
Ethel Rosenberg and how they passed along the secrets of
the atomic bomb to the Soviets and were executed because
of it me that maybe we knew something, and maybe
we didn't know anything, but maybe nonetheless we were right anyway,
or maybe even for us, it is worse than we
(02:59):
can't imagine. Ronald Kessler was a probly connected investigative reporter
at the Wall Street Journal and the Washington Post. He
has since written twenty one books about the FBI, the CIA,
the Secret Service, and the White House. One of his
books revealed the mismanagement of the FBI by its director WILLIAMS.
(03:22):
Sessions and With that revelation, President Clinton fired William Sessions,
and about that time Ronald Kessler became a superbly connected
reporter who was also hyperpartisan. He wrote an adoring biography
of Laura Bush. He wrote another praising the George W.
Bush presidency. He wrote a third, worshiping Trump. He was
(03:44):
last seen on news Max doing the Fawning Trump documentary
and then Thursday night, as they rotated their graphics, their
chirons as one tenth of your Fox News Channel screen
first read did the FBI bug Marilago? And then read
what is the FBI hiding? And then had the FBI
(04:05):
shady bugging Techniques? Fox News Channel had as its guest
Ronald Kessler Secrets of the FBI author Ronald Kessler, Trump
acolyte Ronald Kessler, Trump sycophant Ronald Kessler, Trump apologist Ronald Kessler.
And that's when something happened that should scare you to
(04:28):
your core, as it scared me to my core. Ronald
Kessler went off script. First, he said that the level
of secret classification for the documents Trump took to Mari
Lago was above and beyond top secret and above and
beyond sensitive, compartmented and then before Fox could stop him,
(04:51):
Ronald Kessler, a Trump guy, began to explain what specific
kinds of documents would be classified above and beyond those
levels of secrecy. And this Kessler told Fox News is
what could be in the boxes of documents that Trump took.
That could very well include, uh, the plans for counter
(05:16):
striking against Russia in the event of a nuclear attack.
That's something that's part of the football program, which I've
written about, where the president chooses options from these documents
on how to respond. Yesterday, it was fine within twenty
minutes to to prevent annihilation of the United States. And
that's one item that could be in these documents. That
(05:40):
is the level of danger that a man who has
written twenty one books about the FBI, Secret Service, and
White House, that a man who was inclined to give
Trump the benefit of the doubt and then some that's
the level of danger Ronald Kesler thinks we may be at.
We are here. It is worse than we can imagine.
(06:01):
The documents Trump took quote could very well include the
plans for counterstriking against Russia in the event of a
nuclear attack. That is figuratively the beating heart of the
essence of defense for this country, not from some Cold
War fiction, but from the reality of an increasingly desperate
Russian leader at war with Ukraine and belligerent with Europe.
(06:26):
The plans for counter striking against Russia or what Trump
took might be something else. But consider again the quotes
from people in the know. Consider what Kessler said in
the light of what they have said, that one Washington
Post source among the most sensitive secrets we know the
Republican congressman from Utah, the member of the House Permanent
(06:49):
Select Committee on Intelligence, Chris Stewart. I mean, if he
had actual special access programs, do you know how extraordinarily
sensitive that is. That's very, very sensitive. If that were
actually at his residence, that would be a problem. Unquote,
(07:09):
Mr Kessler was not finished. Trump might not have taken
the nuclear retaliatory strike options, or he might not just
have taken the nuclear retaliatory strike options. What else would
have received that highest level of security classification? What else
might Trump have taken? Our penetrations by the CIA of
(07:32):
foreign embassies of foreign leaders like Putin, as well as
recruitment of spies overseas. Uh So, we're talking about incredibly
valuable secrets that the Russians, of course, would have been after.
The Russians would have been trying to penetrate Mari Lago
the day and night, and very possibly did recruise spies
(07:55):
to to obtain these. Just when you think you have
imagined the worst of whatever is worse than you can imagine,
a Trump friendly author goes on Box news channel and
suggests maybe Trump kept the lists of the names of
spies working overseas for the CIA, who, if identified by
their native countries tradition holds, are shot or tortured and
(08:18):
then shot. And Ron Kessler says, oh, by the way,
the Russians would have been trying to get a spy
into Mari Lago to get those lists, where those nuclear
retaliatory target lists, and that the Russians might have succeeded.
(08:38):
What if it is worse than we could possibly imagine?
At what point do we stop shaking? By? How much
does Ronald Kesler have to be wrong before we stop shaking?
If it's only half as bad as Kessler is speculating,
is that okay? Then if the documents are not the
(09:01):
nuclear retaliatory strike options or the names of our buis
in the Kremlin, but they're still so secret that they're
classified at the level beyond top secret and beyond sensitive
compartmented if he had actual special access programs. Was how
the Republican Congressman Chris Stewart of the House Select Intelligence
Committee began his rhetorical question, do you know how extraordinarily
(09:24):
sensitive that is? Trump the spy? How does one segue
from that? Well, you don't? You just say there are
a couple of other things to mention. You have the
advantage of me. My noon Friday, you will have seen
the redacted affidavit that earned the government the search warrant
(09:46):
at Mari Lago for god knows what's in Pandora's box.
I don't think it'll mention the lists of spies or
the options for a response to a Russian nuclear attack
against this country. But you do not have to be
a lawyer to read Judge Reinhardt's finding Thursday to understand
that it is almost complete victory for the government and
(10:06):
for the redactions it wanted. Quoting him, I find that
the government has met its burden of showing a compelling
reason slash good cause to seal portions of the affidavit
because disclosure would reveal one the identities of the witnesses,
law enforcement agents and uncharged parties to the investigations, strategy, direction, scope,
sources and methods, and three grand jury information. The government
(10:31):
has met its burden of showing that its proposed redactions
are narrowly tailored to serve the government's legitimate interest in
the integrity of the ongoing investigation and are the least
onerous alternative to sealing the entire affidavit end quote. Also
you should know, CNN reported Thursday. Since the beginning of
the year, Trump has been taking legal advice about this
(10:53):
particular topic from Tom Fitton, which is interesting because although
he runs the nuisance suit organization Judicial Watch, he is
not a lawyer. He just appears on Twitter in polo
shirts two sizes too small to show off his muscles
or his nipples or something. After Trump returned fifteen boxes
(11:13):
of stolen documents to the Archives in January, CNN reports
fit and told him he shouldn't have done that and
should not return anymore. And if the proverbial man who
is his own lawyer has a fool for a client,
then a man who has a non attorney spokesman as
his own lawyer is just a damned fool. We also
know Trump may soon be sued by the web host
(11:36):
for his truth social platform. Fox Business News reports that
the company right Forge claims Trump stopped paying them months
ago and owes them a million, six d thousand dollars.
And to circle back to that silly little end of
the world nuclear counter strikes thing, we know that Trump's
(11:58):
legal team has not yet seen the Affidavid used to
obtain the search warrant. But of course we also know
Trump knows exactly what they were looking for in those
boxes marked classified, marked top secret, marked sensitive, compartmented, marked
(12:19):
special access programs that could very well include, uh, the
plans for counter striking against Russia in the event of
a nuclear attack. That's something that's part of the football program,
which I've written about, where the president chooses options from
these documents on how to respond. Yesterday, it was fine
(12:42):
within twenty minutes to to prevent annihilation of the United States,
and that's one item that could be in these documents.
Maybe Ronald Kessler, now seventy eight years old, was just
showing off and regaining some of the glory from his
days with the Washington Post in the Wall Street Journal.
Maybe he's wildly, wildly, wildly wrong. Maybe just the same,
(13:05):
Maybe we should just presume going forward that it all
could be worse than we can possibly imagine, and that
those boxes cumulatively are Pandora's box. Still ahead on countdown,
(13:34):
where do we go after that? Well, Bill Barr has
turned on Trump and the White House to borrow the
old Shakespearean line, went to the critics of the student
loan Forgiveness program and hoist them all with their own petards. Also,
it's the anniversary of some of the music in this show.
I'll explain that it will make sense after I do.
(13:54):
And this is the weekend edition, so it's time for
me to read you some James Thurbert. This week it's
going to be a catbird seat. Well that is next
this ascount Um, you know this is cutdown with you
know Keith coming up? Oh did the White House beat
(14:21):
the ever loving crap out of the Republican critics of
the student loan Forgiveness program? Plus Bryce Harper returns to
the Philadelphia Phillies and that could hurt them first. In
each edition of Compdown, we feature a dog in need
whom you can help. Every dog has its day and
good news. Yesterday's dog do do on the kill list.
Here in New York rescued Amen. Today something a little different.
(14:43):
This is National Dog Day and here in New York,
I'm blessed. My pups are blessed by as good an
animal hospital as there is, the Schwartzman Animal Medical Center.
They've helped my gal Stevie through cancer. They did heart
surgery on my guy Ted that saved his life, and
helped all my dogs, especially my little Mishu, who was
born with a fatal heart defect, and they looked after
(15:03):
him as if he their own until the day he died.
They're fundraising for the a m C to the Rescue Fund.
This allows them to treat dogs who are still in
the pound or awaiting adoption elsewhere, so that forever families
won't be scared off because of the burden of needed
and often expensive healthcare. So today I'm gonna tweet out
the link to donate to the a m C to
(15:25):
the Rescue Fund. Please do so if you can, or
just retweet it that'll help too, And thank you. Coming
up on countdown, you know who's a pal of Florida
Governor Ronda Santis. You know Rhonda Rhonda Santis. His pal
is Clarence Thomas. You know how we know that Jenny
(15:48):
Thomas plus Jared Kushner believes he is immortal to tails
ahead in worse persons. First postscripts to the news, some headlines,
some thoughts, some snark, state line Washington. Okay, frankly, I
(16:10):
no longer care how much the Biden loan forgiveness program costs.
It's worth it just for the continuing burn. Another day
of Republicans at highest dudgeon, all of whom seem to
have not known that when they got p p P
loans during the pandemic and then got those loans forgiven,
it was all in the public record. Among the latest
(16:30):
to step on, Rakes marked loan forgiveness for me, but
not for the Molly hemingway of the Federalist. After destroying
your livelihood with COVID mandates, Biden wants you to subsidize
rich college graduates. Molly hemingways. The Federalist had three thousand
dollars and p P loans forgiven. Congressman Mike I was
(16:51):
just a courier during the coup Kelly of Pennsylvania asking
plumbers and carpenters to pay off the loans of Wall
Street advisors and lawyers. Isn't just unfair, it's also bad policy.
Mike Kelly had even thousand dollars in p P loans forgiven.
Congressman Matt Gates said, how old are you? And then
(17:12):
he said, instead of wiping away student loan debt with
a presidential executive order, we ought to allow people who
are victims of predatory systems to declare bankruptcy. Matt Gates
had four two thousand dollars in p P loans forgiven.
That was actually a mistake on my part, but maybe
they are PP loans. Marjorie Trailer Park Green said, for
(17:33):
our government just to say, okay, you're dead is completely forgiven.
It's completely on fire. Marjorie Trailer Park Green had a
hundred and eighty three thousand dollars in p p P
loans forgiven. And we know all of these numbers because
the White House trolled them all, sub tweeted them attacking
how much they took and how much they didn't pay back,
(17:56):
which would be a hundred percent to the White Houses
seven million, four hundred sixty seven thousand, one hundred sixty
Twitter followers, and that boys and girl earls is how
you politics. Dateline Fort Wayne, Indiana. One dark side to
watching the Republicans burned themselves on this A comment from
Congressman Jim Banks from the Indiana Third quote, student loan
(18:18):
forgiveness undermines one of our military's greatest recruitment tools at
a time of dangerously low enlistments. Quiet part out loud,
quiet part out loud. I did not know our military
was the French foreign legion for debtors and educational washouts.
But there you go. And dateline Rome, Georgia, It's Marge
(18:39):
again says she was squatted again, and there's doubt again.
Cynics notes that in each of the two consecutive nights
when Marjorie Trailway Park Green says she was squatted, her
front door was not knocked down, and the biggest threats
(19:00):
so far have been a cop ringing her doorbell and
the possibility that officers saw her without her makeup. Use
the emergency eye wash, boys, use the emergency eye wash.
Dateline sub stack an interview by the infamous Barry Weiss
assessing Trump's backing of unelectable cultists for office and himself
(19:20):
in one quote goes thus, Lee, his pursuit of a
personal agenda and personal power is weakening the Republican Party,
telling the party if it's not me, I'm going to
ruin your election chances by telling my base to sit
home and I'll sabotage whoever you nominate other than me.
The tactic that Trump is using to exert this control
over the Republican Party is extortion. End quote who said
(19:43):
that Bill Barr? Too bad? Bill Barr didn't have a
chance to catch Trump in the act of extortion. Oh
yeah he did. That was what was in that memo
I read to yesterday. I never thought he'd eat my
face bar added Dateline, New York. Amy Harris and Robert
Kurlander have pleaded guilty to stealing the diary of President
Biden's daughter ash Lee and then selling it to Little
(20:06):
Jimmy o'keeps hilariously named Project Veritas for forty grand When
Project very ass wanted to authenticate the diary, they gave
the pair more money to steal more stuff. And guess
what Little Jimmy O'Keeffe is up. A Eugene Levy sitcom
and Dateline, South Carolina Senator Tim Scott, ranked earlier in
(20:28):
the day by Fox News is one of the top
ten Republican candidates for president, appeared on the channel later
in the day to announce enjoying a fruit filled life,
even for those of us starting in poverty, fruit filled life.
Don't forget that fruit filled center and date line. Now,
let's just play that sound bite again. This is the
(20:49):
conservative author Ron Kessler on Fox News Channel saying the
documents purloined by Trump are above the levels of top
secret and sensitive compartmented and speculating on Fox News just
what might be in documents Trump took that could very
well include, uh, the plans for counter striking against Russia
(21:14):
in the event of a nuclear attack. That's something that's
part of the football program, which I've written about, where
the president chooses options from these documents on how to respond.
Yesterday was fond within twenty minutes to to prevent annihilation
of the United States. And that's one item that could
be in these documents. Yippie, Kai a mother. This is
(21:38):
Sports Center. Wait, check that not anymore. This is Countdown
with Keith Alberman in Sports That music is nine years
(22:02):
old today augustus. In thirteen, we premiered the show for
which that was the theme Overman and eleven pm Eastern
on ESPN two. I did not choose the name. More
on that in a moment. First two headlines last year's
nationally m v P. Bryce Harper rejoins the Phillies today
after being out since June with a broken thumb. His
hitting will be welcomed as they try to gain one
(22:23):
of the playoff wild cards in the National League, but
Harper could actually hurt the team overall. He's also got
an elbow injury that is likely to restrict him to
being the designated hitter for the rest of the year
rather than being one of the best defensive outfielders in baseball.
And that means that Nick Costellanos and Kyle Schober, two
of the worst defensive outfielders in baseball, will both have
(22:44):
to play in the outfield or not play at all.
And here's why teams scrimmage alone during the National Football
League preseason and not against each other. Yesterday's scrimmage between
the Cincinnati Bengals offense and the L A Rams defense
ended in a mass brawl. There is video, plus a
timeless Cincinnati Enquirer photograph of l A's Aaron Donald holding
(23:07):
a Bengals helmet in each hand. The video shows him
swinging at least one of them at Bengals players. To
quote Clidas the slack jawed yokel from The Simpsons, as
a demolition derby driver's helmet flies into the stands where
he's sitting. Hey ahead, dang, it's been scoop it out.
(23:27):
Now the anniversary of the ESPN two show, there are
a couple of now it can be told parts to
the tale of that saga. August two thousand thirteen marked
my return to ESPN on TV anyway, sixteen years after
I concluded five years doing Sports Center along Dance alongside
Dan Patrick. Along Dan Patrick. Things were not harmonious when
(23:48):
I left in but it was largely about my desire
to live in a big city again. In fact, after
the ESPN Vice president Howard Katz and I mutually agreed
that spring that it was time to wrap it up.
I had a job lined up to do four nights
a week program in York, and I proposed to Howard
that for the fifth day I come up to Bristol
(24:09):
just on Sundays, just to do the Sunday eleven PM
Sports Center. It was rerun all morning on Monday anyway,
and constituted about of our weekly audience. And I said,
I'd do it for you ready, the round trip car
fare and fifty dollars a year. Well, Howard thought long
and hard about that and said, nah, he just couldn't
(24:30):
do it because if I was also working for somebody else,
he and ESPN could not quote control me unquote like
they could have anyway. Then I signed with NBC News
and NBC Sports, and the next day the phone rang
and it was the president of ABC, Bob Iger, who
I had known since I was nineteen, asking me if
I could get out of the NBC contract and stay
with the ESPN and ABC. And I told him no,
(24:52):
it was like signed and he said, well, if you
ever want to come back, just call me. I did
not do that, but as early as two thousand one,
I began talking to ESPN about rejoining them as the
primary host on their new radio station in New York.
The next year, I met with the next ESPN president,
Mark Shapiro, about doing something. In two thousand five, ESPN
(25:14):
called and asked me to help out Dan Patrick with
his radio show once a week, and that went so well.
We made it every day for two years. In two
thousand six, Dan had an idea they should move the
six o'clock Sports Center to New York. I should get
out of my MSNBC contract and go co anchor Sports
Center with him. That got as far as the next
president of the network, who vetoed it. Finally, in two
(25:36):
thousand twelve, I had dinner with the new new new
president of ESPN, John Skipper, who remains a friend to
this day, and he was all for having me returned.
But it was like how and why doing what? And
about a year later our answers were provided for us
by Fox Sports. Fox announced it was going to topple
(25:56):
ESPN with two new all sports networks that would launch
in August two thousand thirteen. Now I had been involved
the preview is time Fox had announced it was going
to topple ESPN in and Fox still owed me money
from that, so I held a bit of a grudge.
Unlike me, I know, and John Skipper had a great
(26:17):
idea bring me back to ESPN and put the show
on ESPN two up against Fox's version of Sports Center,
so that if somebody wanted to watch something besides Sports Center,
we would be offering them me, Mr Sports Center. Plus,
if Foxes show actually got any ratings at all, ESPN
could just brush them away and say ratings Fox isn't
(26:37):
even doing a quarter of Alderman's ratings. Then somebody, and
I don't remember who, had a really, really evil idea.
Fox was throwing a lavish launch party for the press
somewhere in l A for its new networks in the
middle of July two. We should do the new show
(26:57):
and put out the press release right in the middle
of the big Fox Sports one and Fox Sports to
press launch party. Oh did we laugh at that idea.
And when news came back after we did it from
our spies that reporters were leaving the Fox launch party
in droves because they had to go right the biggest
(27:18):
sports media story of the summer, Alberman returns to ESPN,
Oh did we laugh heartily, bluntly. By the time the
show premiered nine years ago, I had already earned half
my total salary. And that's what my bosses said. Fox
Sports one and Fox Sports two made no ratings impact
at all. Within a year, every show they launched was canceled,
and every person on every one of the shows was
(27:40):
fired Oh, and by the way, the ESPN two show
it was really good. We just never started on time
because live ball games would force us start late or
be transferred over and start on ESPN News or on
a streaming channel or whatever. But in our first year
of the hundreds of sports studio shows, we were one
of only six to be nominated for the Emmy for
(28:01):
Best Studio Show, and in the second year of the
hundreds of sports hosts, I was one of only six
to be nominated for an Emmy for Best Sports Host.
We only had the two seasons. Plus producer Mike McQuaid
and Scott Van Pelt were very open about it. They
liked the format of Alderman so much that they used
it as the redesigned format of the eleven PM Sports
Center that Scott still does. Plus the soured relations between
(28:24):
ESPN and me were repaired sufficiently that I went back
to work for them again in two thousand eighteen, and
when I left in October to go back and cover
the election, I left on friendly terms, friendly enough that
they let me use this Ulberman ESPN to music for free,
which means I got to use it twice. Right still ahead,
(29:02):
James Thurber and the story that was supposed to be
made into a film directed by Who the Catbirds Seat?
Coming up first, the daily roundup of the miscreants, morons
and Dunning Krueger effect specimens who constitute today's worst persons
in the world. Lebronze Doug Mastriano, the fascist candidate for
governor Pennsylvania. He's getting clocked in the polls by the
(29:24):
Democrat Josh Shapiro. But then came the tweet from Carlton
Poles identifying itself as the most accurate Senate internal in
claiming a survey of likely Pennsylvania voters had Masstriano ahead
forty seven point four to Shapiro's forty five point three.
Mastriano immediately tweeted the Pole out, and then Mastriano's impossibly
(29:49):
stupid campaign adviser Jenna Ellis retweeted it. Then Kimberly, I
want to see my photo album, Gilfoyle tweeted it. Finally
Bright Bart News the we're drunken, We're dead people. They
wrote the poll up and they tweeted it out. Some
of them left did up on their accounts for as
long as five days, and that's when the Carlton polling
(30:10):
people revealed. He's one guy, a high school student in
southwestern Connecticut, and he made it up, all of it.
And Mastriano and Ellis and Gilfoyle and bright Barter just
gullible and desperate and gullible. Our runner up, Florida Governor
Ronda Santis, Ronda's cover has been blown. The watchdog group
(30:32):
American Oversight released an email in which Jenny Thomas attempted
to pitch one of Ronda's people to get Ronda to
speak to one of her little insurrectionist groups. She explained
she had interviewed him and met him, and added, quoting
the email, my husband has been in contact with him too,
on various things of late. Jenny's husband, somehow you don't know,
(30:53):
is Clarence Thomas. And incredibly he's still on the Supreme Court, No, No,
the one in this country. And he's actually supposed to
not be in contact with politicians, especially one who might
run for president like Rhonda might, who would then run
to the Supreme Court. If you know, he lost the election.
But our winner, Damien known to you as Jared Kushner,
(31:16):
remember when he never spoke and we never had any
idea what he really sounded like or if he was
really stupid or really really stupid or really really really stupid. Boy,
those were the days. Huh. The publicity tour for his
new book, Yes I'm Damien continues on Fox. He says,
(31:37):
if you noticed under President Trump we had no problems
with Russia. Yeah, we noticed. Also, he went on some
online collectible show and said, I think there's a good
probability that my generation is, hopefully, with the advances in science,
hopefully either the first generation to live forever or the
(31:59):
last generation that's going to die. Jared Kushner thinks he
might be more Yeah, because he personally ignored the climate.
His generation, it will turn out, will have the ability
to live forever, but they'll all die anyway. In the
climate catastrophe of Jared. I will live forever, but I
(32:21):
don't know. I'm not a vampire. Why do you ask? Kushner?
Two days worst person in the World to the number
(32:47):
one story on the Countdown, And since it is the
weekend edition, it's time for some James Thurber. The Catbird
Seat combines two of my all time favorite things, Thurber
and baseball broadcasting. As Thurber will reveal in the story,
the title comes from a catchphrase used by the Brooklyn
Dodgers legendary announcer Red Barber, the man who trained Vince
(33:08):
Scully and is my late friend Vin's only true competition
for greatest baseball play by play man of all time.
I met Red Barber once I interviewed him for CNN.
He called me Keith throughout the interview. I was so
star struck. It's pretty much all I remember from the interview. Anyway.
Bert Lancaster bought the movie rights to this story and
(33:31):
he got Billy Wilder to commit to direct it. Well,
how come you've never heard of this perfect sounding film,
The Catbird Seat, directed by Billy Wilder. They sold the
rights and in nineteen sixty the film was made, but
they relocated it from Manhattan to Scotland, starring Peter Sellers
(33:52):
dressed up as an old man as Mr Martin. It's
okay unless you've read the story or had it read
to you from the Thurber Carnival five, The Catbird Seat
by James Thurber. Mr Martin bought the pack of camels
(34:12):
on Monday night in the most crowded cigar store on Broadway.
It was theater time, and seven or eight men were
buying cigarettes. The clerk didn't even glance at Mr Martin,
who put the pack in his overcoat pocket went out.
If any of the staff at F and S had
seen him by the cigarettes, they would have been astonished,
(34:33):
for it was generally known that Mr Martin did not smoke,
and never had. No one saw him. It was just
a week to the day since Mr Martin had decided
to rub out Mrs Old Jean Barrows. The term rub
out pleased him because it suggested nothing more than the
(34:53):
correction of an error, in this case, an error of
Mr Fitzweiler. Mr Martin had spent each night of the
past week working out his plan and examining it as
he walked home. Now he went over it again for
the hundredth time. He resented the element of imprecision, the
margin of guesswork that entered into the business. The project,
(35:17):
as he had worked it out, was casual and bold.
The risks were considerable. Something might go wrong anywhere along
the line, and therein lay the cunning of his scheme.
No one would ever see in the cautious, painstaking hand
of Irwin Martin, head of the filing department at F
(35:38):
and S, of whom Mr Fittweiler had once said, man
is felloble, but Martin isn't. No one would see his hand,
that is, unless he were caught in the act. Sitting
in his apartment drinking a glass of milk, Mr Martin
reviewed his case against Mrs Old Jean Barrows, as he
(36:02):
had every night for seven I. He began at the beginning.
Her quacking voice and braying laugh had first profaned the
halls of F and S. On March seventh nine. Mr
Martin had a head for dates. Old Roberts, the personnel chief,
had introduced her as the newly appointed special adviser to
(36:25):
the President of the firm, Mr Fitzweiler. The woman had
appalled Mr Martin instantly, but he had not shown it.
He had given her his dry hand, a look of
studious concentration, and a faint smile. Wow, she said, looking
at the papers on his desk, Are you lifting the
ox cart out of the ditch? As Mr Martin recalled
(36:48):
that moment over his milk, he squirmed slightly. He must
keep his mind on her crimes as a special advisor,
not on her peccadillos as a personality. This he found
difficult to do. In spite of entering an objection and
sustaining it, the volts of the woman as a woman
kept chattering on in his mind like an unruly witness.
(37:10):
She had for almost two years now baited him in
the halls, in the elevator, even in his own office,
into which she romped now and then like a circus horse.
She was constantly shouting these silly questions at him. I
left in the ox cart out of the ditch. Are
you tearing up the pea patch? Are you hollering down
(37:33):
the rain barrel? Are you scraping around the bottom of
the pickle barrel? Are you sitting in the cat married seat.
It was Joey Hart, one of Mr Martin's two assistants,
who had explained what the gibberish meant. She must be
a Dodging fan, he had said, Red Boba announces the
(37:56):
Dodger games over the radio, and he uses these expressions,
picked them up down south. Joey had gone on to
explain in one or two tearing up the pea patch
meant going on a rampage. Sitting in the catbird seat
meant sitting pretty like a batter with three balls and
no strikes on him. Mr Martin dismissed all this with
(38:18):
an effort. It had been annoying, it had driven him
near to distraction, but he was too solid a man
to be moved to murder by anything so childish. It
was unfortunate, he reflected, as he passed onto the important
charges against Mrs Barrows, that he had stood up under
it so well. He had maintained always an outward appearance
(38:43):
of polite tolerance. Why I even believed you liked the
woman mispaired, His other assistant had once said to him,
he had simply smiled a gavil wrapped in Mr Martin's mind,
and the case proper was resumed. Mrs all Jean Barrows
stood charged with willful, flatant and persistent attempts to destroy
(39:03):
the efficiency and system of F and S. It was
confident material and relevant to review her advent and rise
to power. Mr Martin had got the story from Miss Pere,
who seemed always able to find things out. According to her,
Mrs Barrows had met Mr Fitweller at a party where
(39:25):
she had rescued him from the embraces of a powerfully
built drunken man who had mistaken the President of F
and S for a famous retired Middle Western football coach.
She had led him to a sofa and somehow worked
upon him a monstrous magic. The aging gentleman had jumped
(39:45):
to the conclusion there and then that this was a
woman of singular attainments, equipped to bring out the best
in him and in the firm. A week later he
had introduced her into F and S as his special adviser.
On that day, confusion at its foot in the door.
(40:08):
After Miss Tyson, Mr Brundage and Mr Bartlett had been
fired and Mr Munson had taken his hat and stalked
out mailing. In his resignation letter, Old Roberts had been
emboldened to speak to Mr Fittweiler. He mentioned that Mr
Munson's department had become a little disrupted, and hadn't they
perhaps better resumed the old system there. Mr Fittweler had said,
(40:30):
certainly not. He had the greatest faith in Mrs Barrow's ideas.
They require a little seasoning. Little seasoning is all, he
had added. Mr Roberts had given it up. Mr Martin
reviewed in detail all the changes wrought by Mrs Barrows.
She had begun chipping at the cornices of the firm's edifice,
(40:50):
and now she was swinging at the foundation stones with
a pickaxe. Mr Martin came now in his summing up
to the afternoon of Monday, November two, just one week ago.
That day, at three pm, Mrs Barrows had bounced into
his office. Boom, She had yelled, are you scraping around
(41:12):
the bottom of the pickle barrel? Mr Martin had looked
at her from under his green eye shade, saying nothing.
She had begun to wander about the office, taking it
in with her great popping eyes. Do you really need
all these filing cabinets, she had demanded. Suddenly. Mr Martin's
(41:33):
heart had jumped each of these files, he had said,
keeping his voice even plays an indispensable part in the
system of f and s. She had brayed at him,
well don't tear up the pea patch, and gone to
the door. From there she had bawled, but you share
have got a lot of fine scrap in here. Mr
(41:58):
Martin could no longer doubt that the finger was on
his beloved department. Her pick axe was on the upswing,
poised for the first blow. It had not come yet.
He had received no blue memo from the enchanted Mr Fitweller,
bearing nonsensical instructions deriving from this obscene woman. But there
(42:20):
was no doubt in Mr Martin's mind that one would
be forthcoming. He must act quickly. Already a precious week
had gone by. Mr Martin stood up in his living room,
still holding his milk glass. Gentleman of the jury, he
said to himself, I demand the death penalty for this
(42:42):
horrible person. The next day, Mr Martin followed his routine
as usual. He polished his glasses more often and once
sharpened and already sharp pencil, but not even misspaired noticed.
Only once did he catch sight of his victim. She
swept past him in the hall with a patronizing hi.
(43:03):
At five thirty. He walked home as usual and had
a glass of milk as usual. He had never drunk
anything stronger in his life, unless you could count ginger Ale.
The late Sam Schlosser, the s of F and S,
had praised Mr Martin at a staff meeting several years
before for his temperate habits. One of our most efficient workers.
(43:24):
Neither drinks nor smokes, he had said. The results speak
for themselves. Mr Fittweiler had sat by, nodding, approval. Mr
Martin was still thinking about that red letter day as
he walked over to the Shafts restaurant on Fifth Avenue
near Street. He got there as he always did, at
eight o'clock. He finished his dinner and the financial page
(43:46):
of the New York Sun quartered at the nine. As
he always did, it was his custom after dinner to
take a walk. This time he walked down Fifth Avenue
at a casual place. His gloved hands felt moist and warm,
his forehead cold. He transferred the camels from his overcoat
to a jacket pocket. He wondered as he did so,
(44:06):
if they did not represent an unnecessary note of strain.
Mrs Barrows smoked only Lucky's. It was his idea to
puff a few puffs on a camel after the rubbing out,
stub it out in the ashtray, holding her lipstick, saying Lucky's,
and thus dragged a small red herring across the trail.
(44:27):
Perhaps it was not a good idea. It would take time.
He might even choke too loudly. Mr Martin had never
seen the house on West twelfth Street where Mrs Barrows lived,
but he had a clear enough picture of it. Fortunately
she had bragged to everybody about her ducky first floor
(44:48):
apartment in the perfectly darling three story red brick. There
would be no doorman or other attendants, just the tenants
of the second and third floors. As he walked along,
Mr Martin realized that he would get there before nine.
He had con started walking north on Fifth Avenue from
Shrafts to a point from which it would take him
(45:09):
until ten o'clock to reach the house. At that hour
people were less likely to be coming in or going out,
but the procedure would have made an awkward loop in
the straight thread of his casualness, and he had abandoned it.
It was impossible to figure when people would be entering
or leaving the house anyway, there was a great risk
at any hour if he ran into anybody, he would
(45:30):
simply have to place the rubbing out of old Jean
Barrows in the inactive file forever. The same thing would
hold true if there was someone in her apartment. In
that case, he would just say that he had been
passing by, recognized her charming house, and thought to drop in.
It was eighteen minutes after nine when Mr Martin turned
(45:52):
into twelfth straight. A man passed him and a man
and a woman talking. There was no one within fifty paces.
When he came to the house halfway down the block.
He was up the steps and in the small vestibule
in no time, pressing the bell under the card that
said Mrs Old Jean Barrows. When the clicking in the
lock started, he jumped forward against the door. He got
inside fast, closing the door behind him. A bulb in
(46:14):
a lantern hung from the hall ceiling on a chain
seemed to give a monstrously bright light. There was nobody
on the stair which went up ahead of him along
the left wall. A door opened down the hall on
the wall on the right. He went toward it, swiftly
on tiptoe. Well, for God's sakes, let who's here? Bawled
Mrs Barrows, and her braying laugh rang out like the
(46:37):
report of a shotgun. He rushed past her like a
football tacker, bumping her. Hey, quit shoving, she said, closing
the door behind them. They were in her living room,
which seemed to Mr Martin to be lighted by a
hundred lamps. What's after you, she said, Here's jumpy as
a goat. He found he was unable to speak his
(47:00):
heart was wheezing in his throat. I yes, he finally
brought out. She was jabbering and laughing as she started
to help him off with his coat. No, no, he said,
I'll put it here. He took it off and put
it on a chair near the door. Your hat and
gloves too, She said, you're in a lady's house. He
(47:23):
put his hat on top of the coat. Mrs Barrows
seemed larger than he had thought. He kept his gloves on.
I was passing by, he said, I I recognized. Is
there anyone here? She laughed louder than ever now, She said,
(47:43):
we're all alone. You're white. Is a sheet? You funny man?
Whatever has come over you. I'll mix you a toddy.
She started toward a door across the room. Scotch and
soda be all right, But say you don't drink, do you?
She turned and gave him her amused look. Mr Martin
pulled himself together. Scotch and soda will be all right,
(48:05):
he heard himself say. He could hear her laughing in
the kitchen. Mr Martin looked quickly around the living room
for the weapon he had counted on finding one. There
there were and irons and a poker and something in
a corner that looked like an Indian club. None of
them would do it couldn't be that way. He began
to pace around. He came to a desk. On it
(48:27):
lay a metal paper knife with an ornate handle. Would
it be sharp enough? He reached for it and knocked
over a small brash jar. Stamps spilled out of it
and fell onto the floor with a clatter. Hey, Mrs
Barrows yelled from the kitchen. Are you tearing up the
pea patch? Mr Martin gave a strange laugh. Picking up
(48:48):
the knife, he tried its point against his left wrist.
It was blunt. It wouldn't do. When Mrs Barrows reappeared
carrying two highballs, Mr Martin, standing there with his gloves on,
became acutely conscious of the fantasy. See he had wrought
cigarettes in his pocket, a drink prepared for him. It
(49:10):
was all too grossly improbable. It was more than that,
it was impossible. Somewhere in the back of his mind
a vague idea stirred sprouted. For Heaven's sake, take off
those gloves, said Mrs Barrows. I always wear them in
(49:33):
the house, said Mr Martin. The idea began to bloom
strange and wonderful. She put the glasses on a coffee
table in front of a sofa and sat on the sofa.
Come over here, you odd little man, she said. Mr
Martin went over and sat beside her. It was difficult
(49:53):
getting a cigarette out of the pack of camels, but
he managed it. She held a match for him, Laughing well,
she said, handing him his drink. This is perfectly marvelous,
you with a rank and a cigarette. Mr Martin puffed,
not too awkwardly, and took a gulp of the high ball.
(50:14):
I drink and smoke all the time, he said. He
clinked his glass against hers. Here's nuts to that old
windbag fitweiler, he said, and gulped again. The stuff tasted awful,
but he made no grimace. Really, Mr Martin, she said,
her voice and posture changing. You are insulting our employer.
(50:36):
Mrs Barrows was now all Special Advisor to the President.
I am preparing a bomb, said Mr Martin, which will
blow the old goat higher than hell. He had only
had a little of the drink, which was not strong.
It couldn't be that. Do you take dope or something?
Mrs Barrows asked coldly. Heroin said, Mr Martin, I'll be
(51:02):
cooked to the gills when I bumped old buzzard off
Mr Martin, she shouted, getting to her feet, that will
be all of that. You must go at once. Mr
Martin took another swallow of the drink. He tapped his
cigarette out in the ashtray and put the packet camels
on the coffee table. Then he got up. She stood
glaring at him. He walked over and put on his
(51:24):
hat and coat. Not a word about this, he said,
and laid an index finger against his lips. All Mrs
Barrows could bring out was it really? Mr Martin put
his hand on the door knob. I'm sitting in the
catbird seat, he said. He stuck his tongue out at
(51:46):
her and left. Nobody saw him go. Mr Martin got
to his apartment walking well before eleven. No one saw
him go in. He had two glasses of milk after
brushing his teeth, and he felt elated. It wasn't tipsy
in his because he hadn't been and tipsy anyway. The
(52:06):
walk had worn off all effects of the whiskey. He
got in bed and read a magazine for a while.
He was asleep before midnight. Mr Martin got to the
office at eight thirty the next morning as usual. At
a quarter to nine, Old Jean Barrows, who had never
before arrived at work before ten, swept into his office.
I am departing to Mr Fittweiler now, she shouted. If
(52:28):
he turns you over to the police, it's no more
than you deserve. Mr Martin gave her a look of
shocked surprise. I beg your pardon, he said. Mrs Barrows
snorted and bounced out of the room, leaving Miss Pared
and Joey Harton staring after her. What's the matter with that,
Old Davil now asked Miss Pared. I have no idea,
(52:51):
said Mr Martin, resuming his work. The other two looked
at him, and then at each other. Miss Peared got
up and went out. She walked slowly past the closed
door of Mr Fittweiler's office. Mrs Barrows was yelling inside,
but she was not braying. Miss Pared could not hear
what the woman was saying. She went back to her desk.
(53:12):
Forty five minutes later, Mrs Barrows left the President's office
and went into her own, shutting the door. It wasn't
until half an hour later that Mr Fittweiler sent for
Mr Martin, the head of the filing department. Neat quiet, attentive,
stood in front of the old man's desk. Mr Fittweiler
was pale and nervous. He took his glasses off and
(53:32):
twiddled them. He made a small roughing sound in his throat. Martin,
He said, you have been with us more than twenty years, two, sir,
said Mr Martin. In that time pursued the President. Your
work and your manner have been exemplary. I trust so, sir,
(53:55):
said Mr Martin. I have understood, Martin, said Mr Fittweler,
that you have never taken a drink or smoked. That
is correct, Sir, said R. Martin. Ah yes, Mr Fittweiler
polished his glasses. You may describe what you did after
leaving the office yesterday, Martin, he said, certainly, Sir. He said,
(54:19):
I walked home. Then I went to Shrafts for dinner. Afterward,
I walked home again. I went to bed early, sir,
and read a magazine for a while. I was asleep
before eleven. Ah. Yes, said Mr Fittweiler again. He was
silent for a moment. Searching for the proper words to
say to the head of the filing department, Mrs Barrows,
(54:42):
He said, finally, Mrs Barrows has worked hard, Martin, very hard.
It raives me to report that she has suffered a
severe breakdown. It has taken the form of a persecution
complex accompanied by distressing hallucinations. I'm very sorry, sir, said
Mr Martin. Mrs Barrows is under the delusion, continued Mr Fittweiler,
(55:08):
that you visited her last evening and behaved yourself in
an unseemly matter. He raised his hand to silence Mr
Martin's little, pained outcry. It is the nature of these
psychological diseases, Mr Fittweiler said, to fix upon the least
likely and most innocent party as the source of persecution.
(55:31):
These matters are not for the lay mind to grasp, Martin.
I've just had my psychiatrist, Dr Fitch on the phone. UH.
He would not, of course commit himself, but he made
enough generalizations to substantiate my suspicions. I suggested to missus Barrows,
when she had completed her UH story to me this morning,
(55:53):
that she visit Dr Fitch or I suspected a condition
to what she flew, I regret to say, into a
rage and demanded requested that I call you on the carpet.
You may not know, Martin, but Mrs Barrows had planned
a reorganization of your department, subject to my approval. Of course,
(56:15):
subject to my approval. This brought you, rather than anyone
else to her mind. But again that is a phenomenon
for Dr Fitch and not for us. So Martin, I'm
afraid Mrs Barrow's usefulness here is at an end. I'm
dreadfully sorry, sir, said Mr Martin. It was at this
(56:37):
point that the door to the office blew open with
the suddenness of a gas main explosion, and Mrs Barrows
catapulted through. It is the little rat denying it, she screamed.
He can't get away with that. Mr Martin got up
and moved discreetly to a point beside Mr Fittwaler's chair.
You drank and smoked at my apartment, she bawled at
(56:59):
Mr Martin, And you know it. You called Mr Fittwiler
an old wind bag and said you were going to
bow him up when you got coked to your gills
on your heroine. She stopped yelling to catch her breath,
and a new glint came into her popping eyes. If
you weren't set to drab, ordinary, little man, she said,
I'd think you'd planned it all, sticking your tongue out,
(57:23):
saying you were sitting in the cat buried seat because
you thought no one would believe me when I told it.
My god, it's really too perfect. She brayed loudly and hysterically,
and the fury was on her again. She glared at
Mr Fittweiler. Can't you see how he has checked usk?
You all fool? Can't you see his little game? But
(57:47):
Mr Fittweiler had been surreptitiously pressing all the buttons under
the top of his desk, and employees of F and
S began pouring into the room. Stockton said, Mrs Pittweiler,
you and Fishbone will take Mrs Barrows to her home.
Mrs Powell, you will go with them. Stockton, who would
put the little football in high school, blocked Mrs Barrows
as she made for Mr Martin. It took him and
(58:10):
fish Mine together to force her out of the door
into the hall crowded with stenographers and office boys. She
was still screaming imprecations at Mr Martin tangled and contradictory imprecations.
The hubbub finally died out down the corridor. I regret
that this has happened, said Mr Fittweiler. I shall ask
(58:33):
you to dismiss it from your mind. Martin, Yes, sir,
said Mr Martin, anticipating his chiefs. That will be all.
By moving to the door, I will dismiss it. He
went out and shut the door, and his step was
light and quick in the hall. When he entered his department,
(58:55):
he had slowed down to his customary gate, and he
walked quietly across the room to the double twenty file,
where ring a look of studious concentration from the Thurber
connorable The Catbird Seat by James Thurber. I've done all
(59:26):
the damage I can do here. This is where I
ask you to rate and review the podcasts. Lie to them,
tell them it's outstanding, and you listen to it twice.
The Countdown theme from Beethoven's Ninth Arranged, produced and performed
by Countdown musical directors Brian Ray and John Philip Channel
All orchestration and keyboards by John Philip Chanelle guitars based
(59:47):
and drums by Brian Ray, produced by t k O Brothers.
The other Beethoven selections have been arranged and performed by
the group No Horns Allowed. Our sports music the Olderman
theme from ESPN two Yeah, I told you that story,
didn't I? Written by Mitch Warren Davis courtesy of esp
in incorporated my friends, musical comments by Nancy Faust, the
(01:00:09):
best baseball stadium organist ever, and our announcer today was
Richard Lewis. Let's countdown for this day since Donald Trump's
first attempted coup against the democratically elected government of the
United States. I'll have a new episode for you Monday.
Till then, I'm Keith Alderman. Good morning, good afternoon, good night,
and good luck. Countdown with Keith Alderman is a production
(01:00:42):
of I Heart Radio. For more podcasts from I heart Radio,
visit the i heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever
you get your podcasts.
Countdown with Keith Olderman is a production of I Heart Radio.
(00:31):
We know Trump took documents related to nuclear weapons. We
know Trump took documents that include quote among the most
sensitive secrets we hold. We know Trump took documents from
special access programs. But what we do not know is
the answer to a chilling question so terrifying to contemplate
(00:53):
that it is almost impossible to give voice to that
question is what if it is even worse than all that?
What if it's worse than we can imagine? What if
phrases like documents related to nuclear weapons and among the
most sensitive secrets we hold and special access programs are
(01:15):
not dire descriptions of treachery, unmatched in American history? What
if they are convenient euphemisms. What if it's worse? What
if that which Trump stole, truly, genuinely, without hyperbole, threatens
(01:37):
the very existence of this country, or threatens the very
existence of life on this planet. What if every fear
about his ego and about his inability to recognize that
other people have any meaning independent of his own desires.
What if every fear about his incapacity to be human
(01:57):
and his inability to feel guilt or responsibility or empathy.
What if all those fears are in fact understatements. What
if it is worse than the worst you could imagine
Thursday night, in the least likely venue, from the least
(02:18):
likely person, in the most matter of fact way, we
got a hint that perhaps we should prepare for the
possibility that it is worse than we can imagine. That
every friend of your friend's friend who knows somebody at
the Bureau and says he stole the nuclear codes, or
the commentator who from the beginning was invoking Julius and
(02:39):
Ethel Rosenberg and how they passed along the secrets of
the atomic bomb to the Soviets and were executed because
of it me that maybe we knew something, and maybe
we didn't know anything, but maybe nonetheless we were right anyway,
or maybe even for us, it is worse than we
(02:59):
can't imagine. Ronald Kessler was a probly connected investigative reporter
at the Wall Street Journal and the Washington Post. He
has since written twenty one books about the FBI, the CIA,
the Secret Service, and the White House. One of his
books revealed the mismanagement of the FBI by its director WILLIAMS.
(03:22):
Sessions and With that revelation, President Clinton fired William Sessions,
and about that time Ronald Kessler became a superbly connected
reporter who was also hyperpartisan. He wrote an adoring biography
of Laura Bush. He wrote another praising the George W.
Bush presidency. He wrote a third, worshiping Trump. He was
(03:44):
last seen on news Max doing the Fawning Trump documentary
and then Thursday night, as they rotated their graphics, their
chirons as one tenth of your Fox News Channel screen
first read did the FBI bug Marilago? And then read
what is the FBI hiding? And then had the FBI
(04:05):
shady bugging Techniques? Fox News Channel had as its guest
Ronald Kessler Secrets of the FBI author Ronald Kessler, Trump
acolyte Ronald Kessler, Trump sycophant Ronald Kessler, Trump apologist Ronald Kessler.
And that's when something happened that should scare you to
(04:28):
your core, as it scared me to my core. Ronald
Kessler went off script. First, he said that the level
of secret classification for the documents Trump took to Mari
Lago was above and beyond top secret and above and
beyond sensitive, compartmented and then before Fox could stop him,
(04:51):
Ronald Kessler, a Trump guy, began to explain what specific
kinds of documents would be classified above and beyond those
levels of secrecy. And this Kessler told Fox News is
what could be in the boxes of documents that Trump took.
That could very well include, uh, the plans for counter
(05:16):
striking against Russia in the event of a nuclear attack.
That's something that's part of the football program, which I've
written about, where the president chooses options from these documents
on how to respond. Yesterday, it was fine within twenty
minutes to to prevent annihilation of the United States. And
that's one item that could be in these documents. That
(05:40):
is the level of danger that a man who has
written twenty one books about the FBI, Secret Service, and
White House, that a man who was inclined to give
Trump the benefit of the doubt and then some that's
the level of danger Ronald Kesler thinks we may be at.
We are here. It is worse than we can imagine.
(06:01):
The documents Trump took quote could very well include the
plans for counterstriking against Russia in the event of a
nuclear attack. That is figuratively the beating heart of the
essence of defense for this country, not from some Cold
War fiction, but from the reality of an increasingly desperate
Russian leader at war with Ukraine and belligerent with Europe.
(06:26):
The plans for counter striking against Russia or what Trump
took might be something else. But consider again the quotes
from people in the know. Consider what Kessler said in
the light of what they have said, that one Washington
Post source among the most sensitive secrets we know the
Republican congressman from Utah, the member of the House Permanent
(06:49):
Select Committee on Intelligence, Chris Stewart. I mean, if he
had actual special access programs, do you know how extraordinarily
sensitive that is. That's very, very sensitive. If that were
actually at his residence, that would be a problem. Unquote,
(07:09):
Mr Kessler was not finished. Trump might not have taken
the nuclear retaliatory strike options, or he might not just
have taken the nuclear retaliatory strike options. What else would
have received that highest level of security classification? What else
might Trump have taken? Our penetrations by the CIA of
(07:32):
foreign embassies of foreign leaders like Putin, as well as
recruitment of spies overseas. Uh So, we're talking about incredibly
valuable secrets that the Russians, of course, would have been after.
The Russians would have been trying to penetrate Mari Lago
the day and night, and very possibly did recruise spies
(07:55):
to to obtain these. Just when you think you have
imagined the worst of whatever is worse than you can imagine,
a Trump friendly author goes on Box news channel and
suggests maybe Trump kept the lists of the names of
spies working overseas for the CIA, who, if identified by
their native countries tradition holds, are shot or tortured and
(08:18):
then shot. And Ron Kessler says, oh, by the way,
the Russians would have been trying to get a spy
into Mari Lago to get those lists, where those nuclear
retaliatory target lists, and that the Russians might have succeeded.
(08:38):
What if it is worse than we could possibly imagine?
At what point do we stop shaking? By? How much
does Ronald Kesler have to be wrong before we stop shaking?
If it's only half as bad as Kessler is speculating,
is that okay? Then if the documents are not the
(09:01):
nuclear retaliatory strike options or the names of our buis
in the Kremlin, but they're still so secret that they're
classified at the level beyond top secret and beyond sensitive
compartmented if he had actual special access programs. Was how
the Republican Congressman Chris Stewart of the House Select Intelligence
Committee began his rhetorical question, do you know how extraordinarily
(09:24):
sensitive that is? Trump the spy? How does one segue
from that? Well, you don't? You just say there are
a couple of other things to mention. You have the
advantage of me. My noon Friday, you will have seen
the redacted affidavit that earned the government the search warrant
(09:46):
at Mari Lago for god knows what's in Pandora's box.
I don't think it'll mention the lists of spies or
the options for a response to a Russian nuclear attack
against this country. But you do not have to be
a lawyer to read Judge Reinhardt's finding Thursday to understand
that it is almost complete victory for the government and
(10:06):
for the redactions it wanted. Quoting him, I find that
the government has met its burden of showing a compelling
reason slash good cause to seal portions of the affidavit
because disclosure would reveal one the identities of the witnesses,
law enforcement agents and uncharged parties to the investigations, strategy, direction, scope,
sources and methods, and three grand jury information. The government
(10:31):
has met its burden of showing that its proposed redactions
are narrowly tailored to serve the government's legitimate interest in
the integrity of the ongoing investigation and are the least
onerous alternative to sealing the entire affidavit end quote. Also
you should know, CNN reported Thursday. Since the beginning of
the year, Trump has been taking legal advice about this
(10:53):
particular topic from Tom Fitton, which is interesting because although
he runs the nuisance suit organization Judicial Watch, he is
not a lawyer. He just appears on Twitter in polo
shirts two sizes too small to show off his muscles
or his nipples or something. After Trump returned fifteen boxes
(11:13):
of stolen documents to the Archives in January, CNN reports
fit and told him he shouldn't have done that and
should not return anymore. And if the proverbial man who
is his own lawyer has a fool for a client,
then a man who has a non attorney spokesman as
his own lawyer is just a damned fool. We also
know Trump may soon be sued by the web host
(11:36):
for his truth social platform. Fox Business News reports that
the company right Forge claims Trump stopped paying them months
ago and owes them a million, six d thousand dollars.
And to circle back to that silly little end of
the world nuclear counter strikes thing, we know that Trump's
(11:58):
legal team has not yet seen the Affidavid used to
obtain the search warrant. But of course we also know
Trump knows exactly what they were looking for in those
boxes marked classified, marked top secret, marked sensitive, compartmented, marked
(12:19):
special access programs that could very well include, uh, the
plans for counter striking against Russia in the event of
a nuclear attack. That's something that's part of the football program,
which I've written about, where the president chooses options from
these documents on how to respond. Yesterday, it was fine
(12:42):
within twenty minutes to to prevent annihilation of the United States,
and that's one item that could be in these documents.
Maybe Ronald Kessler, now seventy eight years old, was just
showing off and regaining some of the glory from his
days with the Washington Post in the Wall Street Journal.
Maybe he's wildly, wildly, wildly wrong. Maybe just the same,
(13:05):
Maybe we should just presume going forward that it all
could be worse than we can possibly imagine, and that
those boxes cumulatively are Pandora's box. Still ahead on countdown,
(13:34):
where do we go after that? Well, Bill Barr has
turned on Trump and the White House to borrow the
old Shakespearean line, went to the critics of the student
loan Forgiveness program and hoist them all with their own petards. Also,
it's the anniversary of some of the music in this show.
I'll explain that it will make sense after I do.
(13:54):
And this is the weekend edition, so it's time for
me to read you some James Thurbert. This week it's
going to be a catbird seat. Well that is next
this ascount Um, you know this is cutdown with you
know Keith coming up? Oh did the White House beat
(14:21):
the ever loving crap out of the Republican critics of
the student loan Forgiveness program? Plus Bryce Harper returns to
the Philadelphia Phillies and that could hurt them first. In
each edition of Compdown, we feature a dog in need
whom you can help. Every dog has its day and
good news. Yesterday's dog do do on the kill list.
Here in New York rescued Amen. Today something a little different.
(14:43):
This is National Dog Day and here in New York,
I'm blessed. My pups are blessed by as good an
animal hospital as there is, the Schwartzman Animal Medical Center.
They've helped my gal Stevie through cancer. They did heart
surgery on my guy Ted that saved his life, and
helped all my dogs, especially my little Mishu, who was
born with a fatal heart defect, and they looked after
(15:03):
him as if he their own until the day he died.
They're fundraising for the a m C to the Rescue Fund.
This allows them to treat dogs who are still in
the pound or awaiting adoption elsewhere, so that forever families
won't be scared off because of the burden of needed
and often expensive healthcare. So today I'm gonna tweet out
the link to donate to the a m C to
(15:25):
the Rescue Fund. Please do so if you can, or
just retweet it that'll help too, And thank you. Coming
up on countdown, you know who's a pal of Florida
Governor Ronda Santis. You know Rhonda Rhonda Santis. His pal
is Clarence Thomas. You know how we know that Jenny
(15:48):
Thomas plus Jared Kushner believes he is immortal to tails
ahead in worse persons. First postscripts to the news, some headlines,
some thoughts, some snark, state line Washington. Okay, frankly, I
(16:10):
no longer care how much the Biden loan forgiveness program costs.
It's worth it just for the continuing burn. Another day
of Republicans at highest dudgeon, all of whom seem to
have not known that when they got p p P
loans during the pandemic and then got those loans forgiven,
it was all in the public record. Among the latest
(16:30):
to step on, Rakes marked loan forgiveness for me, but
not for the Molly hemingway of the Federalist. After destroying
your livelihood with COVID mandates, Biden wants you to subsidize
rich college graduates. Molly hemingways. The Federalist had three thousand
dollars and p P loans forgiven. Congressman Mike I was
(16:51):
just a courier during the coup Kelly of Pennsylvania asking
plumbers and carpenters to pay off the loans of Wall
Street advisors and lawyers. Isn't just unfair, it's also bad policy.
Mike Kelly had even thousand dollars in p P loans forgiven.
Congressman Matt Gates said, how old are you? And then
(17:12):
he said, instead of wiping away student loan debt with
a presidential executive order, we ought to allow people who
are victims of predatory systems to declare bankruptcy. Matt Gates
had four two thousand dollars in p P loans forgiven.
That was actually a mistake on my part, but maybe
they are PP loans. Marjorie Trailer Park Green said, for
(17:33):
our government just to say, okay, you're dead is completely forgiven.
It's completely on fire. Marjorie Trailer Park Green had a
hundred and eighty three thousand dollars in p p P
loans forgiven. And we know all of these numbers because
the White House trolled them all, sub tweeted them attacking
how much they took and how much they didn't pay back,
(17:56):
which would be a hundred percent to the White Houses
seven million, four hundred sixty seven thousand, one hundred sixty
Twitter followers, and that boys and girl earls is how
you politics. Dateline Fort Wayne, Indiana. One dark side to
watching the Republicans burned themselves on this A comment from
Congressman Jim Banks from the Indiana Third quote, student loan
(18:18):
forgiveness undermines one of our military's greatest recruitment tools at
a time of dangerously low enlistments. Quiet part out loud,
quiet part out loud. I did not know our military
was the French foreign legion for debtors and educational washouts.
But there you go. And dateline Rome, Georgia, It's Marge
(18:39):
again says she was squatted again, and there's doubt again.
Cynics notes that in each of the two consecutive nights
when Marjorie Trailway Park Green says she was squatted, her
front door was not knocked down, and the biggest threats
(19:00):
so far have been a cop ringing her doorbell and
the possibility that officers saw her without her makeup. Use
the emergency eye wash, boys, use the emergency eye wash.
Dateline sub stack an interview by the infamous Barry Weiss
assessing Trump's backing of unelectable cultists for office and himself
(19:20):
in one quote goes thus, Lee, his pursuit of a
personal agenda and personal power is weakening the Republican Party,
telling the party if it's not me, I'm going to
ruin your election chances by telling my base to sit
home and I'll sabotage whoever you nominate other than me.
The tactic that Trump is using to exert this control
over the Republican Party is extortion. End quote who said
(19:43):
that Bill Barr? Too bad? Bill Barr didn't have a
chance to catch Trump in the act of extortion. Oh
yeah he did. That was what was in that memo
I read to yesterday. I never thought he'd eat my
face bar added Dateline, New York. Amy Harris and Robert
Kurlander have pleaded guilty to stealing the diary of President
Biden's daughter ash Lee and then selling it to Little
(20:06):
Jimmy o'keeps hilariously named Project Veritas for forty grand When
Project very ass wanted to authenticate the diary, they gave
the pair more money to steal more stuff. And guess
what Little Jimmy O'Keeffe is up. A Eugene Levy sitcom
and Dateline, South Carolina Senator Tim Scott, ranked earlier in
(20:28):
the day by Fox News is one of the top
ten Republican candidates for president, appeared on the channel later
in the day to announce enjoying a fruit filled life,
even for those of us starting in poverty, fruit filled life.
Don't forget that fruit filled center and date line. Now,
let's just play that sound bite again. This is the
(20:49):
conservative author Ron Kessler on Fox News Channel saying the
documents purloined by Trump are above the levels of top
secret and sensitive compartmented and speculating on Fox News just
what might be in documents Trump took that could very
well include, uh, the plans for counter striking against Russia
(21:14):
in the event of a nuclear attack. That's something that's
part of the football program, which I've written about, where
the president chooses options from these documents on how to respond.
Yesterday was fond within twenty minutes to to prevent annihilation
of the United States. And that's one item that could
be in these documents. Yippie, Kai a mother. This is
(21:38):
Sports Center. Wait, check that not anymore. This is Countdown
with Keith Alberman in Sports That music is nine years
(22:02):
old today augustus. In thirteen, we premiered the show for
which that was the theme Overman and eleven pm Eastern
on ESPN two. I did not choose the name. More
on that in a moment. First two headlines last year's
nationally m v P. Bryce Harper rejoins the Phillies today
after being out since June with a broken thumb. His
hitting will be welcomed as they try to gain one
(22:23):
of the playoff wild cards in the National League, but
Harper could actually hurt the team overall. He's also got
an elbow injury that is likely to restrict him to
being the designated hitter for the rest of the year
rather than being one of the best defensive outfielders in baseball.
And that means that Nick Costellanos and Kyle Schober, two
of the worst defensive outfielders in baseball, will both have
(22:44):
to play in the outfield or not play at all.
And here's why teams scrimmage alone during the National Football
League preseason and not against each other. Yesterday's scrimmage between
the Cincinnati Bengals offense and the L A Rams defense
ended in a mass brawl. There is video, plus a
timeless Cincinnati Enquirer photograph of l A's Aaron Donald holding
(23:07):
a Bengals helmet in each hand. The video shows him
swinging at least one of them at Bengals players. To
quote Clidas the slack jawed yokel from The Simpsons, as
a demolition derby driver's helmet flies into the stands where
he's sitting. Hey ahead, dang, it's been scoop it out.
(23:27):
Now the anniversary of the ESPN two show, there are
a couple of now it can be told parts to
the tale of that saga. August two thousand thirteen marked
my return to ESPN on TV anyway, sixteen years after
I concluded five years doing Sports Center along Dance alongside
Dan Patrick. Along Dan Patrick. Things were not harmonious when
(23:48):
I left in but it was largely about my desire
to live in a big city again. In fact, after
the ESPN Vice president Howard Katz and I mutually agreed
that spring that it was time to wrap it up.
I had a job lined up to do four nights
a week program in York, and I proposed to Howard
that for the fifth day I come up to Bristol
(24:09):
just on Sundays, just to do the Sunday eleven PM
Sports Center. It was rerun all morning on Monday anyway,
and constituted about of our weekly audience. And I said,
I'd do it for you ready, the round trip car
fare and fifty dollars a year. Well, Howard thought long
and hard about that and said, nah, he just couldn't
(24:30):
do it because if I was also working for somebody else,
he and ESPN could not quote control me unquote like
they could have anyway. Then I signed with NBC News
and NBC Sports, and the next day the phone rang
and it was the president of ABC, Bob Iger, who
I had known since I was nineteen, asking me if
I could get out of the NBC contract and stay
with the ESPN and ABC. And I told him no,
(24:52):
it was like signed and he said, well, if you
ever want to come back, just call me. I did
not do that, but as early as two thousand one,
I began talking to ESPN about rejoining them as the
primary host on their new radio station in New York.
The next year, I met with the next ESPN president,
Mark Shapiro, about doing something. In two thousand five, ESPN
(25:14):
called and asked me to help out Dan Patrick with
his radio show once a week, and that went so well.
We made it every day for two years. In two
thousand six, Dan had an idea they should move the
six o'clock Sports Center to New York. I should get
out of my MSNBC contract and go co anchor Sports
Center with him. That got as far as the next
president of the network, who vetoed it. Finally, in two
(25:36):
thousand twelve, I had dinner with the new new new
president of ESPN, John Skipper, who remains a friend to
this day, and he was all for having me returned.
But it was like how and why doing what? And
about a year later our answers were provided for us
by Fox Sports. Fox announced it was going to topple
(25:56):
ESPN with two new all sports networks that would launch
in August two thousand thirteen. Now I had been involved
the preview is time Fox had announced it was going
to topple ESPN in and Fox still owed me money
from that, so I held a bit of a grudge.
Unlike me, I know, and John Skipper had a great
(26:17):
idea bring me back to ESPN and put the show
on ESPN two up against Fox's version of Sports Center,
so that if somebody wanted to watch something besides Sports Center,
we would be offering them me, Mr Sports Center. Plus,
if Foxes show actually got any ratings at all, ESPN
could just brush them away and say ratings Fox isn't
(26:37):
even doing a quarter of Alderman's ratings. Then somebody, and
I don't remember who, had a really, really evil idea.
Fox was throwing a lavish launch party for the press
somewhere in l A for its new networks in the
middle of July two. We should do the new show
(26:57):
and put out the press release right in the middle
of the big Fox Sports one and Fox Sports to
press launch party. Oh did we laugh at that idea.
And when news came back after we did it from
our spies that reporters were leaving the Fox launch party
in droves because they had to go right the biggest
(27:18):
sports media story of the summer, Alberman returns to ESPN,
Oh did we laugh heartily, bluntly. By the time the
show premiered nine years ago, I had already earned half
my total salary. And that's what my bosses said. Fox
Sports one and Fox Sports two made no ratings impact
at all. Within a year, every show they launched was canceled,
and every person on every one of the shows was
(27:40):
fired Oh, and by the way, the ESPN two show
it was really good. We just never started on time
because live ball games would force us start late or
be transferred over and start on ESPN News or on
a streaming channel or whatever. But in our first year
of the hundreds of sports studio shows, we were one
of only six to be nominated for the Emmy for
(28:01):
Best Studio Show, and in the second year of the
hundreds of sports hosts, I was one of only six
to be nominated for an Emmy for Best Sports Host.
We only had the two seasons. Plus producer Mike McQuaid
and Scott Van Pelt were very open about it. They
liked the format of Alderman so much that they used
it as the redesigned format of the eleven PM Sports
Center that Scott still does. Plus the soured relations between
(28:24):
ESPN and me were repaired sufficiently that I went back
to work for them again in two thousand eighteen, and
when I left in October to go back and cover
the election, I left on friendly terms, friendly enough that
they let me use this Ulberman ESPN to music for free,
which means I got to use it twice. Right still ahead,
(29:02):
James Thurber and the story that was supposed to be
made into a film directed by Who the Catbirds Seat?
Coming up first, the daily roundup of the miscreants, morons
and Dunning Krueger effect specimens who constitute today's worst persons
in the world. Lebronze Doug Mastriano, the fascist candidate for
governor Pennsylvania. He's getting clocked in the polls by the
(29:24):
Democrat Josh Shapiro. But then came the tweet from Carlton
Poles identifying itself as the most accurate Senate internal in
claiming a survey of likely Pennsylvania voters had Masstriano ahead
forty seven point four to Shapiro's forty five point three.
Mastriano immediately tweeted the Pole out, and then Mastriano's impossibly
(29:49):
stupid campaign adviser Jenna Ellis retweeted it. Then Kimberly, I
want to see my photo album, Gilfoyle tweeted it. Finally
Bright Bart News the we're drunken, We're dead people. They
wrote the poll up and they tweeted it out. Some
of them left did up on their accounts for as
long as five days, and that's when the Carlton polling
(30:10):
people revealed. He's one guy, a high school student in
southwestern Connecticut, and he made it up, all of it.
And Mastriano and Ellis and Gilfoyle and bright Barter just
gullible and desperate and gullible. Our runner up, Florida Governor
Ronda Santis, Ronda's cover has been blown. The watchdog group
(30:32):
American Oversight released an email in which Jenny Thomas attempted
to pitch one of Ronda's people to get Ronda to
speak to one of her little insurrectionist groups. She explained
she had interviewed him and met him, and added, quoting
the email, my husband has been in contact with him too,
on various things of late. Jenny's husband, somehow you don't know,
(30:53):
is Clarence Thomas. And incredibly he's still on the Supreme Court, No, No,
the one in this country. And he's actually supposed to
not be in contact with politicians, especially one who might
run for president like Rhonda might, who would then run
to the Supreme Court. If you know, he lost the election.
But our winner, Damien known to you as Jared Kushner,
(31:16):
remember when he never spoke and we never had any
idea what he really sounded like or if he was
really stupid or really really stupid or really really really stupid. Boy,
those were the days. Huh. The publicity tour for his
new book, Yes I'm Damien continues on Fox. He says,
(31:37):
if you noticed under President Trump we had no problems
with Russia. Yeah, we noticed. Also, he went on some
online collectible show and said, I think there's a good
probability that my generation is, hopefully, with the advances in science,
hopefully either the first generation to live forever or the
(31:59):
last generation that's going to die. Jared Kushner thinks he
might be more Yeah, because he personally ignored the climate.
His generation, it will turn out, will have the ability
to live forever, but they'll all die anyway. In the
climate catastrophe of Jared. I will live forever, but I
(32:21):
don't know. I'm not a vampire. Why do you ask? Kushner?
Two days worst person in the World to the number
(32:47):
one story on the Countdown, And since it is the
weekend edition, it's time for some James Thurber. The Catbird
Seat combines two of my all time favorite things, Thurber
and baseball broadcasting. As Thurber will reveal in the story,
the title comes from a catchphrase used by the Brooklyn
Dodgers legendary announcer Red Barber, the man who trained Vince
(33:08):
Scully and is my late friend Vin's only true competition
for greatest baseball play by play man of all time.
I met Red Barber once I interviewed him for CNN.
He called me Keith throughout the interview. I was so
star struck. It's pretty much all I remember from the interview. Anyway.
Bert Lancaster bought the movie rights to this story and
(33:31):
he got Billy Wilder to commit to direct it. Well,
how come you've never heard of this perfect sounding film,
The Catbird Seat, directed by Billy Wilder. They sold the
rights and in nineteen sixty the film was made, but
they relocated it from Manhattan to Scotland, starring Peter Sellers
(33:52):
dressed up as an old man as Mr Martin. It's
okay unless you've read the story or had it read
to you from the Thurber Carnival five, The Catbird Seat
by James Thurber. Mr Martin bought the pack of camels
(34:12):
on Monday night in the most crowded cigar store on Broadway.
It was theater time, and seven or eight men were
buying cigarettes. The clerk didn't even glance at Mr Martin,
who put the pack in his overcoat pocket went out.
If any of the staff at F and S had
seen him by the cigarettes, they would have been astonished,
(34:33):
for it was generally known that Mr Martin did not smoke,
and never had. No one saw him. It was just
a week to the day since Mr Martin had decided
to rub out Mrs Old Jean Barrows. The term rub
out pleased him because it suggested nothing more than the
(34:53):
correction of an error, in this case, an error of
Mr Fitzweiler. Mr Martin had spent each night of the
past week working out his plan and examining it as
he walked home. Now he went over it again for
the hundredth time. He resented the element of imprecision, the
margin of guesswork that entered into the business. The project,
(35:17):
as he had worked it out, was casual and bold.
The risks were considerable. Something might go wrong anywhere along
the line, and therein lay the cunning of his scheme.
No one would ever see in the cautious, painstaking hand
of Irwin Martin, head of the filing department at F
(35:38):
and S, of whom Mr Fittweiler had once said, man
is felloble, but Martin isn't. No one would see his hand,
that is, unless he were caught in the act. Sitting
in his apartment drinking a glass of milk, Mr Martin
reviewed his case against Mrs Old Jean Barrows, as he
(36:02):
had every night for seven I. He began at the beginning.
Her quacking voice and braying laugh had first profaned the
halls of F and S. On March seventh nine. Mr
Martin had a head for dates. Old Roberts, the personnel chief,
had introduced her as the newly appointed special adviser to
(36:25):
the President of the firm, Mr Fitzweiler. The woman had
appalled Mr Martin instantly, but he had not shown it.
He had given her his dry hand, a look of
studious concentration, and a faint smile. Wow, she said, looking
at the papers on his desk, Are you lifting the
ox cart out of the ditch? As Mr Martin recalled
(36:48):
that moment over his milk, he squirmed slightly. He must
keep his mind on her crimes as a special advisor,
not on her peccadillos as a personality. This he found
difficult to do. In spite of entering an objection and
sustaining it, the volts of the woman as a woman
kept chattering on in his mind like an unruly witness.
(37:10):
She had for almost two years now baited him in
the halls, in the elevator, even in his own office,
into which she romped now and then like a circus horse.
She was constantly shouting these silly questions at him. I
left in the ox cart out of the ditch. Are
you tearing up the pea patch? Are you hollering down
(37:33):
the rain barrel? Are you scraping around the bottom of
the pickle barrel? Are you sitting in the cat married seat.
It was Joey Hart, one of Mr Martin's two assistants,
who had explained what the gibberish meant. She must be
a Dodging fan, he had said, Red Boba announces the
(37:56):
Dodger games over the radio, and he uses these expressions,
picked them up down south. Joey had gone on to
explain in one or two tearing up the pea patch
meant going on a rampage. Sitting in the catbird seat
meant sitting pretty like a batter with three balls and
no strikes on him. Mr Martin dismissed all this with
(38:18):
an effort. It had been annoying, it had driven him
near to distraction, but he was too solid a man
to be moved to murder by anything so childish. It
was unfortunate, he reflected, as he passed onto the important
charges against Mrs Barrows, that he had stood up under
it so well. He had maintained always an outward appearance
(38:43):
of polite tolerance. Why I even believed you liked the
woman mispaired, His other assistant had once said to him,
he had simply smiled a gavil wrapped in Mr Martin's mind,
and the case proper was resumed. Mrs all Jean Barrows
stood charged with willful, flatant and persistent attempts to destroy
(39:03):
the efficiency and system of F and S. It was
confident material and relevant to review her advent and rise
to power. Mr Martin had got the story from Miss Pere,
who seemed always able to find things out. According to her,
Mrs Barrows had met Mr Fitweller at a party where
(39:25):
she had rescued him from the embraces of a powerfully
built drunken man who had mistaken the President of F
and S for a famous retired Middle Western football coach.
She had led him to a sofa and somehow worked
upon him a monstrous magic. The aging gentleman had jumped
(39:45):
to the conclusion there and then that this was a
woman of singular attainments, equipped to bring out the best
in him and in the firm. A week later he
had introduced her into F and S as his special adviser.
On that day, confusion at its foot in the door.
(40:08):
After Miss Tyson, Mr Brundage and Mr Bartlett had been
fired and Mr Munson had taken his hat and stalked
out mailing. In his resignation letter, Old Roberts had been
emboldened to speak to Mr Fittweiler. He mentioned that Mr
Munson's department had become a little disrupted, and hadn't they
perhaps better resumed the old system there. Mr Fittweler had said,
(40:30):
certainly not. He had the greatest faith in Mrs Barrow's ideas.
They require a little seasoning. Little seasoning is all, he
had added. Mr Roberts had given it up. Mr Martin
reviewed in detail all the changes wrought by Mrs Barrows.
She had begun chipping at the cornices of the firm's edifice,
(40:50):
and now she was swinging at the foundation stones with
a pickaxe. Mr Martin came now in his summing up
to the afternoon of Monday, November two, just one week ago.
That day, at three pm, Mrs Barrows had bounced into
his office. Boom, She had yelled, are you scraping around
(41:12):
the bottom of the pickle barrel? Mr Martin had looked
at her from under his green eye shade, saying nothing.
She had begun to wander about the office, taking it
in with her great popping eyes. Do you really need
all these filing cabinets, she had demanded. Suddenly. Mr Martin's
(41:33):
heart had jumped each of these files, he had said,
keeping his voice even plays an indispensable part in the
system of f and s. She had brayed at him,
well don't tear up the pea patch, and gone to
the door. From there she had bawled, but you share
have got a lot of fine scrap in here. Mr
(41:58):
Martin could no longer doubt that the finger was on
his beloved department. Her pick axe was on the upswing,
poised for the first blow. It had not come yet.
He had received no blue memo from the enchanted Mr Fitweller,
bearing nonsensical instructions deriving from this obscene woman. But there
(42:20):
was no doubt in Mr Martin's mind that one would
be forthcoming. He must act quickly. Already a precious week
had gone by. Mr Martin stood up in his living room,
still holding his milk glass. Gentleman of the jury, he
said to himself, I demand the death penalty for this
(42:42):
horrible person. The next day, Mr Martin followed his routine
as usual. He polished his glasses more often and once
sharpened and already sharp pencil, but not even misspaired noticed.
Only once did he catch sight of his victim. She
swept past him in the hall with a patronizing hi.
(43:03):
At five thirty. He walked home as usual and had
a glass of milk as usual. He had never drunk
anything stronger in his life, unless you could count ginger Ale.
The late Sam Schlosser, the s of F and S,
had praised Mr Martin at a staff meeting several years
before for his temperate habits. One of our most efficient workers.
(43:24):
Neither drinks nor smokes, he had said. The results speak
for themselves. Mr Fittweiler had sat by, nodding, approval. Mr
Martin was still thinking about that red letter day as
he walked over to the Shafts restaurant on Fifth Avenue
near Street. He got there as he always did, at
eight o'clock. He finished his dinner and the financial page
(43:46):
of the New York Sun quartered at the nine. As
he always did, it was his custom after dinner to
take a walk. This time he walked down Fifth Avenue
at a casual place. His gloved hands felt moist and warm,
his forehead cold. He transferred the camels from his overcoat
to a jacket pocket. He wondered as he did so,
(44:06):
if they did not represent an unnecessary note of strain.
Mrs Barrows smoked only Lucky's. It was his idea to
puff a few puffs on a camel after the rubbing out,
stub it out in the ashtray, holding her lipstick, saying Lucky's,
and thus dragged a small red herring across the trail.
(44:27):
Perhaps it was not a good idea. It would take time.
He might even choke too loudly. Mr Martin had never
seen the house on West twelfth Street where Mrs Barrows lived,
but he had a clear enough picture of it. Fortunately
she had bragged to everybody about her ducky first floor
(44:48):
apartment in the perfectly darling three story red brick. There
would be no doorman or other attendants, just the tenants
of the second and third floors. As he walked along,
Mr Martin realized that he would get there before nine.
He had con started walking north on Fifth Avenue from
Shrafts to a point from which it would take him
(45:09):
until ten o'clock to reach the house. At that hour
people were less likely to be coming in or going out,
but the procedure would have made an awkward loop in
the straight thread of his casualness, and he had abandoned it.
It was impossible to figure when people would be entering
or leaving the house anyway, there was a great risk
at any hour if he ran into anybody, he would
(45:30):
simply have to place the rubbing out of old Jean
Barrows in the inactive file forever. The same thing would
hold true if there was someone in her apartment. In
that case, he would just say that he had been
passing by, recognized her charming house, and thought to drop in.
It was eighteen minutes after nine when Mr Martin turned
(45:52):
into twelfth straight. A man passed him and a man
and a woman talking. There was no one within fifty paces.
When he came to the house halfway down the block.
He was up the steps and in the small vestibule
in no time, pressing the bell under the card that
said Mrs Old Jean Barrows. When the clicking in the
lock started, he jumped forward against the door. He got
inside fast, closing the door behind him. A bulb in
(46:14):
a lantern hung from the hall ceiling on a chain
seemed to give a monstrously bright light. There was nobody
on the stair which went up ahead of him along
the left wall. A door opened down the hall on
the wall on the right. He went toward it, swiftly
on tiptoe. Well, for God's sakes, let who's here? Bawled
Mrs Barrows, and her braying laugh rang out like the
(46:37):
report of a shotgun. He rushed past her like a
football tacker, bumping her. Hey, quit shoving, she said, closing
the door behind them. They were in her living room,
which seemed to Mr Martin to be lighted by a
hundred lamps. What's after you, she said, Here's jumpy as
a goat. He found he was unable to speak his
(47:00):
heart was wheezing in his throat. I yes, he finally
brought out. She was jabbering and laughing as she started
to help him off with his coat. No, no, he said,
I'll put it here. He took it off and put
it on a chair near the door. Your hat and
gloves too, She said, you're in a lady's house. He
(47:23):
put his hat on top of the coat. Mrs Barrows
seemed larger than he had thought. He kept his gloves on.
I was passing by, he said, I I recognized. Is
there anyone here? She laughed louder than ever now, She said,
(47:43):
we're all alone. You're white. Is a sheet? You funny man?
Whatever has come over you. I'll mix you a toddy.
She started toward a door across the room. Scotch and
soda be all right, But say you don't drink, do you?
She turned and gave him her amused look. Mr Martin
pulled himself together. Scotch and soda will be all right,
(48:05):
he heard himself say. He could hear her laughing in
the kitchen. Mr Martin looked quickly around the living room
for the weapon he had counted on finding one. There
there were and irons and a poker and something in
a corner that looked like an Indian club. None of
them would do it couldn't be that way. He began
to pace around. He came to a desk. On it
(48:27):
lay a metal paper knife with an ornate handle. Would
it be sharp enough? He reached for it and knocked
over a small brash jar. Stamps spilled out of it
and fell onto the floor with a clatter. Hey, Mrs
Barrows yelled from the kitchen. Are you tearing up the
pea patch? Mr Martin gave a strange laugh. Picking up
(48:48):
the knife, he tried its point against his left wrist.
It was blunt. It wouldn't do. When Mrs Barrows reappeared
carrying two highballs, Mr Martin, standing there with his gloves on,
became acutely conscious of the fantasy. See he had wrought
cigarettes in his pocket, a drink prepared for him. It
(49:10):
was all too grossly improbable. It was more than that,
it was impossible. Somewhere in the back of his mind
a vague idea stirred sprouted. For Heaven's sake, take off
those gloves, said Mrs Barrows. I always wear them in
(49:33):
the house, said Mr Martin. The idea began to bloom
strange and wonderful. She put the glasses on a coffee
table in front of a sofa and sat on the sofa.
Come over here, you odd little man, she said. Mr
Martin went over and sat beside her. It was difficult
(49:53):
getting a cigarette out of the pack of camels, but
he managed it. She held a match for him, Laughing well,
she said, handing him his drink. This is perfectly marvelous,
you with a rank and a cigarette. Mr Martin puffed,
not too awkwardly, and took a gulp of the high ball.
(50:14):
I drink and smoke all the time, he said. He
clinked his glass against hers. Here's nuts to that old
windbag fitweiler, he said, and gulped again. The stuff tasted awful,
but he made no grimace. Really, Mr Martin, she said,
her voice and posture changing. You are insulting our employer.
(50:36):
Mrs Barrows was now all Special Advisor to the President.
I am preparing a bomb, said Mr Martin, which will
blow the old goat higher than hell. He had only
had a little of the drink, which was not strong.
It couldn't be that. Do you take dope or something?
Mrs Barrows asked coldly. Heroin said, Mr Martin, I'll be
(51:02):
cooked to the gills when I bumped old buzzard off
Mr Martin, she shouted, getting to her feet, that will
be all of that. You must go at once. Mr
Martin took another swallow of the drink. He tapped his
cigarette out in the ashtray and put the packet camels
on the coffee table. Then he got up. She stood
glaring at him. He walked over and put on his
(51:24):
hat and coat. Not a word about this, he said,
and laid an index finger against his lips. All Mrs
Barrows could bring out was it really? Mr Martin put
his hand on the door knob. I'm sitting in the
catbird seat, he said. He stuck his tongue out at
(51:46):
her and left. Nobody saw him go. Mr Martin got
to his apartment walking well before eleven. No one saw
him go in. He had two glasses of milk after
brushing his teeth, and he felt elated. It wasn't tipsy
in his because he hadn't been and tipsy anyway. The
(52:06):
walk had worn off all effects of the whiskey. He
got in bed and read a magazine for a while.
He was asleep before midnight. Mr Martin got to the
office at eight thirty the next morning as usual. At
a quarter to nine, Old Jean Barrows, who had never
before arrived at work before ten, swept into his office.
I am departing to Mr Fittweiler now, she shouted. If
(52:28):
he turns you over to the police, it's no more
than you deserve. Mr Martin gave her a look of
shocked surprise. I beg your pardon, he said. Mrs Barrows
snorted and bounced out of the room, leaving Miss Pared
and Joey Harton staring after her. What's the matter with that,
Old Davil now asked Miss Pared. I have no idea,
(52:51):
said Mr Martin, resuming his work. The other two looked
at him, and then at each other. Miss Peared got
up and went out. She walked slowly past the closed
door of Mr Fittweiler's office. Mrs Barrows was yelling inside,
but she was not braying. Miss Pared could not hear
what the woman was saying. She went back to her desk.
(53:12):
Forty five minutes later, Mrs Barrows left the President's office
and went into her own, shutting the door. It wasn't
until half an hour later that Mr Fittweiler sent for
Mr Martin, the head of the filing department. Neat quiet, attentive,
stood in front of the old man's desk. Mr Fittweiler
was pale and nervous. He took his glasses off and
(53:32):
twiddled them. He made a small roughing sound in his throat. Martin,
He said, you have been with us more than twenty years, two, sir,
said Mr Martin. In that time pursued the President. Your
work and your manner have been exemplary. I trust so, sir,
(53:55):
said Mr Martin. I have understood, Martin, said Mr Fittweler,
that you have never taken a drink or smoked. That
is correct, Sir, said R. Martin. Ah yes, Mr Fittweiler
polished his glasses. You may describe what you did after
leaving the office yesterday, Martin, he said, certainly, Sir. He said,
(54:19):
I walked home. Then I went to Shrafts for dinner. Afterward,
I walked home again. I went to bed early, sir,
and read a magazine for a while. I was asleep
before eleven. Ah. Yes, said Mr Fittweiler again. He was
silent for a moment. Searching for the proper words to
say to the head of the filing department, Mrs Barrows,
(54:42):
He said, finally, Mrs Barrows has worked hard, Martin, very hard.
It raives me to report that she has suffered a
severe breakdown. It has taken the form of a persecution
complex accompanied by distressing hallucinations. I'm very sorry, sir, said
Mr Martin. Mrs Barrows is under the delusion, continued Mr Fittweiler,
(55:08):
that you visited her last evening and behaved yourself in
an unseemly matter. He raised his hand to silence Mr
Martin's little, pained outcry. It is the nature of these
psychological diseases, Mr Fittweiler said, to fix upon the least
likely and most innocent party as the source of persecution.
(55:31):
These matters are not for the lay mind to grasp, Martin.
I've just had my psychiatrist, Dr Fitch on the phone. UH.
He would not, of course commit himself, but he made
enough generalizations to substantiate my suspicions. I suggested to missus Barrows,
when she had completed her UH story to me this morning,
(55:53):
that she visit Dr Fitch or I suspected a condition
to what she flew, I regret to say, into a
rage and demanded requested that I call you on the carpet.
You may not know, Martin, but Mrs Barrows had planned
a reorganization of your department, subject to my approval. Of course,
(56:15):
subject to my approval. This brought you, rather than anyone
else to her mind. But again that is a phenomenon
for Dr Fitch and not for us. So Martin, I'm
afraid Mrs Barrow's usefulness here is at an end. I'm
dreadfully sorry, sir, said Mr Martin. It was at this
(56:37):
point that the door to the office blew open with
the suddenness of a gas main explosion, and Mrs Barrows
catapulted through. It is the little rat denying it, she screamed.
He can't get away with that. Mr Martin got up
and moved discreetly to a point beside Mr Fittwaler's chair.
You drank and smoked at my apartment, she bawled at
(56:59):
Mr Martin, And you know it. You called Mr Fittwiler
an old wind bag and said you were going to
bow him up when you got coked to your gills
on your heroine. She stopped yelling to catch her breath,
and a new glint came into her popping eyes. If
you weren't set to drab, ordinary, little man, she said,
I'd think you'd planned it all, sticking your tongue out,
(57:23):
saying you were sitting in the cat buried seat because
you thought no one would believe me when I told it.
My god, it's really too perfect. She brayed loudly and hysterically,
and the fury was on her again. She glared at
Mr Fittweiler. Can't you see how he has checked usk?
You all fool? Can't you see his little game? But
(57:47):
Mr Fittweiler had been surreptitiously pressing all the buttons under
the top of his desk, and employees of F and
S began pouring into the room. Stockton said, Mrs Pittweiler,
you and Fishbone will take Mrs Barrows to her home.
Mrs Powell, you will go with them. Stockton, who would
put the little football in high school, blocked Mrs Barrows
as she made for Mr Martin. It took him and
(58:10):
fish Mine together to force her out of the door
into the hall crowded with stenographers and office boys. She
was still screaming imprecations at Mr Martin tangled and contradictory imprecations.
The hubbub finally died out down the corridor. I regret
that this has happened, said Mr Fittweiler. I shall ask
(58:33):
you to dismiss it from your mind. Martin, Yes, sir,
said Mr Martin, anticipating his chiefs. That will be all.
By moving to the door, I will dismiss it. He
went out and shut the door, and his step was
light and quick in the hall. When he entered his department,
(58:55):
he had slowed down to his customary gate, and he
walked quietly across the room to the double twenty file,
where ring a look of studious concentration from the Thurber
connorable The Catbird Seat by James Thurber. I've done all
(59:26):
the damage I can do here. This is where I
ask you to rate and review the podcasts. Lie to them,
tell them it's outstanding, and you listen to it twice.
The Countdown theme from Beethoven's Ninth Arranged, produced and performed
by Countdown musical directors Brian Ray and John Philip Channel
All orchestration and keyboards by John Philip Chanelle guitars based
(59:47):
and drums by Brian Ray, produced by t k O Brothers.
The other Beethoven selections have been arranged and performed by
the group No Horns Allowed. Our sports music the Olderman
theme from ESPN two Yeah, I told you that story,
didn't I? Written by Mitch Warren Davis courtesy of esp
in incorporated my friends, musical comments by Nancy Faust, the
(01:00:09):
best baseball stadium organist ever, and our announcer today was
Richard Lewis. Let's countdown for this day since Donald Trump's
first attempted coup against the democratically elected government of the
United States. I'll have a new episode for you Monday.
Till then, I'm Keith Alderman. Good morning, good afternoon, good night,
and good luck. Countdown with Keith Alderman is a production
(01:00:42):
of I Heart Radio. For more podcasts from I heart Radio,
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