October 21, 2022 • 46 mins
EPISODE 59: COUNTDOWN WITH KEITH OLBERMANN
A-Block (1:44) SPECIAL COMMENT: Liz Truss, the British Prime Minister, is more than just an eternal punchline who had to resign on her 45th day in office. She IS Kevin McCarthy. And Kevin Stitt. And Kari Lake. And Jim Banks. And Trump. And every idiotic Republican economist. (3:05) She truly believed Conservative Populist Mumbo-Jumbo could defeat reality. The fight between Mathematics and Liz Truss was not a pretty sight. Math brought addition and subtraction, and Truss brought a series of memorized sound bites. (5:34) And her bid to cut taxes for the rich, add billions to the debt, spend billions on energy, and make no spending cuts and not crash the economy was the dream of Trump economists Larry Kudlow (just 29 days ago!) and Steven Moore (just 26 days ago!) (6:30) This week Kevin McCarthy proposed to do internationally what Truss did domestically: wreck the world economy in a bid to cut Social Security and give the money to the rich. When the blowback started, McCarthy tried to walk it back only to see Jim Banks double down yesterday. (10:00) The ultimate lesson of Liz Truss is that the Conservatives believe their own bullcrap. That's why she's also Kevin Tritt, the Oklahoma Governor who laughed and told the crowd to laugh when his debate opponent spit facts on how much more violent crime there is in Oklahoma than in New York. And once again we ask: WHERE ARE THE COMMERCIALS SCREAMING "THEY ARE ALL LIZ TRUSS"?
B-Block (16:21) EVERY DOG HAS ITS DAY: Ceres, in California. (17:16) POSTSCRIPTS TO THE NEWS: Kash Patel testifies to DC Trump Documents Grand Jury, Loeffler to Atlanta Trump Election Tampering Grand Jury. (19:28) IN SPORTS: Astros win again, baseball reveals unannounced experiment: video review of ball and strike calls? Why? And the plight of the Vancouver Canucks. (23:00) THE WORST PERSONS IN THE WORLD: Anti-immigrant Adam Laxalt gets a big surprise about his own Grandma, and competes against DeSantis's doctor and his guest hit on a QAnon show, and Lara Logan's blood libel proving too crazy even for NewsMax.
C-Block (28:46) FRIDAYS WITH THURBER: His epic short story - so topical 85 years after he wrote it - of when the biggest popular hero in America turns out to be the biggest jerk in America: "The Greatest Man In The World."
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
Countdown with Keith Olderman is a production of I Heart Radio.
Liz Trusts is Kevin McCarthy. Liz Trust is Kevin Stitt,
(00:30):
Liz Trust is Carrie Lake. Liz Trust is Jim Banks.
Liz Trusts is every Republican economist. It is easy to
dismiss Liz Trust as a foreign punch line and oversees
irrelevancy in her own words, a fight or not a
quitter who twenty four hours later than quit. It is
(00:52):
fun to note that she's not just the shortest serving
prime minister in British history, but she did not last
half as long as the now runners up to nineteen
century guys who died in office. It is like primal
scream therapy to register that, Wow, she really did outlast
the thirty one days of our ninth president, William Henry.
(01:13):
It's just a cold Harrison, but she did not outlast
the brutal contest concocted by a brutal British tabloid. Her
premiership went rotten sooner than did its unrefrigerated head of Lettuce.
But Liz Trust is every arrogant, headstrong, right wing, reactionary, conservative, fascist,
(01:35):
magical thinking politician. In her country, in our country, in
other countries now and for all time. Her demise on
her forty fifth day as Prime Minister is simple to explain.
In the middle of her country's cost of living crisis,
she took office pledging one hundred billion pounds a year
to control runaway consumer energy prices, and pledging the largest
(02:00):
tax cut in half a century, to taxes for the rich,
cut taxes for corporations too, and to raise taxes on
nobody and nothing, and pledging to cut no public services,
and pledging to run the government on billions of borrowed pounds.
And when she was asked how she was going to
pay for all of it, she actually said, not by
(02:20):
cutting public spending, but by making sure we spend public money. Well,
the fight between mathematics and Liz Trusts was not a
pretty site. Mathematics brought the immutable rules of economy and
you know, addition and subtraction and crashing the British pound
(02:42):
and when you didn't notice that, then crashing the entire
British economy. And Liz trust brought a series of memorized
sound bites. Watching or listening to any one of her
anguished interviews, it became immediately apparent that it had never
previously occurred to her that the job of running a
(03:02):
government consisted of anything are complicated than managing to remember
which series of cliches you were supposed to say when
somebody asked you a question. The interviewer would ask one
of these questions, there would be a pause while the
Prime Minister's eyes fluttered and flashed, and she would then
say something that might or might not have anything to
(03:24):
do with the question, but which invariably recounted that she
had principles and policies and mandates and freedoms, and plans
and visions and bold visions and mandates for bold plans
to deliver principal policies, visions, and freedoms, And for forty
four days she seemed shocked that the mere invoking of
(03:47):
those words did not fix everything, as if she were
a Hogwarts professor in a Harry Potter movie. One of
the early good Ones, and Liz Trust is Kevin McCarthy
and every Republican. Sometimes if she's Carrie Lake or Laura Ingram,
she is in address or a pants suit. Sometimes if
(04:08):
she's Larry Cudlow, she is in a tie with two
vodka stains on it. The new British Prime Minister said
Trump's Director of National Economic Council Cudlow, has laid out
a terrific supply side economic growth plan which looks a
lot like the basic thrust of Kevin McCarthy's commitment to
America Plan. Larry Cudlow said this twenty nine days ago
(04:32):
on Fox News twenty nine. I'm very supportive of what
they're doing, said Trump's nominee to the Federal Reserve Board,
Stephen Moore. This is exactly what we should be doing
in the US. I'm surprised the market has not reacted positively,
but I think that's going to reverse course. Stephen Moore
(04:56):
said this twenties six days ago twenty six. Two weeks
from next Tuesday, Kevi and McCarthy could become Speaker of
the House and these economic illiterates like Stephen Moore and
Larry Cudlow could be rounded up from whatever bar stools
they have fallen under and made relevant and powerful again.
(05:20):
On Tuesday, Kevin McCarthy told punch Bowl News he is
ready to foment another debt ceiling crisis to force Joe
Biden and the Democrats to agree to cut in social
security and Medicare. He is ready to accomplish internationally and
intentionally what Liz Trust did out of stupidity. He is
(05:41):
ready to crash the world economy to make sure billionaires
in this country pay lower taxes. And the Democrats have
been so timid about screaming this fact in advertising every
day and screaming about how Saudi Arabia and Russia and
the Republicans have caused the gas price increases, that the
millions of damn fools that the rest of us carry
(06:03):
through this life may actually give these fascist bloodsuckers more power.
McCarthy's threat was so bald faced and so self destructive
that even he noticed it. McCarthy tried to walk it
back Wednesday. He tried to walk it back yesterday, And
while he was walking backwards, his fellow Liz Trust, in
(06:26):
a suit, Indiana Congressman Jim Banks would be majority whip
and chairman of the House Republican Study Committee, took to
a platform handed to him by Paramount and CBS News
and completely undermine McCarthy's efforts to walk this back. He
called the threat to crash the world economy to Liz Trust,
(06:48):
the world economy a quote major leverage point for the
House Republican majority to use to control spending. Banks went
on to say, we've seen the national debt now surpassed
thirty one trillion. It is a key driver of inflation.
Did the CBS news guy interviewing Jim Banks say, yeah,
(07:08):
seven trillion of that thirty one chillion was rung up
in just four years by you guys and Liz Trust Trump. No,
he did not say that to him. Liz Trust is
not a British politician or a brand new joke that
will last centuries. She is a franchise. She is every
(07:30):
unthinking student who signed up for all the tough courses
at seven am or eight am and boasted about her
four point oh to come without every thinking she's gonna
have to show up for the classes at that hour
and do the homework. She's every conservative politician in every
country in the last two decades. You might have facts,
(07:50):
but we have principles and policies and mandates and freedoms
and plans and visions, and if they don't work, we
have minorities to blame for it, and conspiracy theories to
throw against the wall. And if they don't work. We
just shout fraud and rig and decertified and conspiracy and
no boost the gauze filter setting on Carrie Lake's camera
(08:10):
from a seven to a forty three. Liz Trust is
Larry Cudlow, is Kevin McCarthy is, Jim Banks, is Kevin Stitt.
They have lied so long that they have not only
gotten their own idiot supporters to believe the lies, they
have gotten their own idiot supporters to believe only the lies.
(08:33):
And even they believe the lies themselves as they live them.
You have heard of Kevin Stitt. He is the governor
of Oklahoma. Nobody knows how. And his Democratic opponent Joy
Hoffmeister pointed out in their debate how crime ridden Oklahoma is.
(08:56):
There were four point two murders per hundred thousand residents
in New York State for the last completed year of statistics.
There were seven point four murders per hundred thousand in Oklahoma.
Seven point four is a lot more than four point two.
There were three d sixty four violent crimes per hundred
thousand residents in New York State were four hundred fifty
(09:20):
violent crimes per hundred thousand in Oklahoma. Therefore, Oklahoma is
either the twelve or the sixteenth most dangerous state in
our country, and New York is either then or the
thirty second. When at their debate, joy Hoffmeister referenced these facts,
(09:40):
these mathematical proven Hey, you know, addition doesn't give a
good god damn about your Liz Trusts facts. Governor Kevin
frat boys Stitt laughed, The moderators laughed, the audience laughed.
So let's talk about the facts. The fact is the
(10:04):
rates of violent crime are higher in Oklahoma under your
watch than in New York in California. That's a fact. Well,
we'll have that fact checked by the Frontier superintendent. It's
a fact. Do you believe we have higher crime than
New York or California? That's what she just said. Safety
(10:26):
and security is my top priority and it will be
as Governor Oklahoman's live in hell. They don't know it.
And when the grinning frat boy governor is taught it,
he laughs and they laugh. Governor Kevin Stitt is Liz
(10:47):
trust And sooner or later, as we have just seen,
Thank you, England, reality comes for at least some of
the Liz Trusses of this world. Some of the Kevin
Stits and the Donald Trust Trumps, and the Larry ud Lows,
and the Stephen Moore's, and the Kevin McCarthy's, and reality
(11:10):
eats them alive, slowly, painfully, and in a way that
the part that dies last is the cliche controls center,
so that though they are muffled from inside the belly
of the beast, you can still hear them, astonished, insisting,
but of principles and policies and mandates and freedoms and plans.
(11:35):
I have visions and bold visions and mandates for bold
plans and visions to deliver principal policies and freedoms. You
are not allowed to eat me alive. We have until
two weeks from Tuesday. Where are the commercials? Jesus H
(12:08):
Carist still ahead on countdown, Surprise, Cash Patel, former Senator
Kelly Lefler, and pats Sipoloni, Patsy Bologna to you, all
of them testifying in front of Grand Juries investigating Trump.
Ron de santis Is, Surgeon General, suggests Kvid the vaccines
(12:29):
are not safe. He does this on an avowed Q
and on show and the epic and ever topical James
Thurber story of when the most popular individual in the
country is also the worst individual in the country sounds
familiar for some reason. The greatest man in the World
on Friday's with Thurber coming up. That's next, This is Countdown.
(12:58):
This is Countdown with Keith Olberman still a head on
Countdown even if Cash Patel took the fifth that he
was at the Trump Documents grand jury and that it
met in Washington is a huge story. Next, And how
can you get blown out by CBS News, then Sinclair,
(13:20):
then Fox News and now get blown out by news
Max last night? Let's ask Lara they drink baby's blood
logan worst person's ahead first. In each edition of Countdown,
we feature a dog in need whom you can help.
Every dog has its day, well, you know me and
the Maltese and other little smart white dogs. Series is
(13:41):
in Pope Valley in California. Seven years old. She looks
like a malt mix. She suddenly started peeing blood. It
was a bladderstone. The human was desperate, could not afford
a bed, turned series over to Soft PAW's rescue. It
was a bladderstone. They got her treatment for that, and
suddenly she started to have seizures. Treatment for that is working,
but she'll need more of it, and she'll need some donations.
(14:03):
If you'd like to help, Sarah's will be the pinned
tweet at my account for dogs in Need at tom
Jumbo Grumbo, and retweeting her story will also help greatly,
So thank you for doing so. Postscripts to the news
(14:27):
some headlines, some insight, and some snark. Dateline Washington a
big scoop in the Trump documents case from CNN. Cash Patel,
the not so stable guy with the crazy stair, whom
Trump wanted to send to the National Archives to take
all those classified Russia investigation documents and release them on
the internet. He testified a week ago yesterday to the
(14:50):
d C Grand jury investigating Trump's nuclear kleptomania as just securities.
Ryan Goodman has noted this underscores that Trump is the
target of that grand jury. Also, Patel has previously claimed
that he had access to those documents. Trump had a
mari lago, and he knew what they were, and he
knew Trump had declassified them by the mere uttering a
(15:12):
few you know, magic incantations or whatever, which would mean
Trump let others improperly see classified materials, which would be
another charge. Unclear weather or not, Patel took the fifth
Dateline Atlanta. Meanwhile, now we know why all those texts
from Georgia's Senator Kelly Leffler making Marjorie Trailer Park green
looks so bad leaked out via the Atlanta Journal Constitution.
(15:36):
The former senator has testified in the Fulton County District
Attorney's case against Trump and Eastman and everybody else who
tried to tamper with the Georgia presidential vote in and
so has former White House Council Pat Sippoloni, or as
he's known in the lettering on the broadcasts Patsy Bologney
and Dateline London. I'm sorry, that's what breaking breaking news.
(16:01):
Liz Truss is not yet elected successor as UK Prime
Minister has just pre resigned. Wow, unusual, but I had
to say, excellent time management. This is Sports Center. Wait
(16:30):
check that not anymore. This is countdown with Keith Olberman.
In sports, the rule of home runs continues to apply.
Astro's one home run Yankees no home runs. Houston beats
New York three to two in Game two of the
American League Championship Series. The home run by Alex Bregman
(16:50):
drove in all three runs. The Yankees, eliminated four times
by the Astros since two thousand fifteen, are now behind
two games to none in this series. And if they're
late owner George Steinbrenner were still alive, he would by
now have fired manager Aaron Boone, general manager Brian Cashman,
and the Yankee Stadium organists. National League Playoff Series resumes
tonight in Philadelphia. Padres and Phillies tied at a game apiece,
(17:13):
and as baseball priticts faster games because of pitch clocks
and stay in the batter's box rules next year, did
you hear anybody mention anything about something called the a
B S System? The A B S System Automated Ball
Strike System allows batters to challenge called strikes. You heard
(17:34):
me replay for individual pitches. They are experimenting with it
now in the Arizona Fall League, And yesterday baseball started
circulating video of a three one pitch to Yankee prospect
Jason Dominguez of Mesa. The living breathing human umpire called
it a strike. Dominguez signal he was challenging the call
(17:56):
by tapping himself on the helmet and the automated Ball
Strike system then recreated the pitch in a computerized three
D visualization, which they let the crowd watch on the scoreboard,
and sure enough Dominguez was right. They changed the pitch
from a strike to a ball and he got a walk.
And this one bit of technology could buy itself extend
the average length of a baseball game from three hours
(18:18):
three minutes to like a month. It's just an experiment.
It's not part of the rules, but it's like the
atomic bomb. They did not invent it, just to keep
scientists busy. And hats off to my Vancouver Canucks of
the National Hockey League. Last Wednesday, they opened their season
by taking a three ZIP lead on Edmonton. The Canucks
(18:39):
lost the game five to three. Last Saturday, in Game two,
they went up to nothing at Philadelphia and lost three two.
Game three was Monday in Washington. They trailed that one
one nothing and two to one, but they were up
four to one and a great rally and they lost
that game six to four. Tuesday in Columbus they led
(19:00):
the Blue Jackets to zip and then three too, and
in overtime they lost four to three. And last night
in Minnesota, Game five of the season, they led the
Wild two to one, and then again they led the
Wild three to two, and yes they lost that game
in overtime. Four three five games five leads, five losses.
(19:23):
So for their impeccable play by play man, my friend
John Shorthouse, I have only this to say to you,
Thank you, Nancy Faust. Coming up Thurber's story of the
(19:46):
Inevitable Day when the hero turned out to be a
complete ass hat. I don't know that he used that
word at any point in the Thurber cannon, but it's
the greatest man in the world. Coming up first, the
daily round up of the misgrants, morons and Dunning Kruger
effect specimens who constitute today is worse persons in the world.
(20:09):
Lebronze Doctor Joseph Laudapo is back Surgeon General of Florida.
Somehow I need to see his license spending his time
attacking the safety of COVID vaccines. But something new this time.
Uh Drldappo did this attack on COVID vaccine safety on
the podcast X twenty two Report, which is a Q
(20:30):
and on podcast. That's the Governor of Florida, Rhonda Santis,
directly connected to Q and on the runner up, How
tired is this story? Adam Laxalt, the Nevada Republicans seeking
to unseat Senator Catherine Cortes Masto, is hardlining against not
just undocumented immigration, but also dreamers and other immigrants. Surprise,
(20:52):
Axios reports lack salts grandmother was an undocumented immigrant. It
unearthed the two thousand six speech by La salts father,
Senator Pete Domenici, who told of the day in the
early nineteen forties when the authorities drove up to their
home in New Mexico and took his mother, Laxalts grandmother
away in a black car because she quote unknowingly was
(21:16):
an illegal alien unquote demnic. She said, Laxalts grandmother came
to this country from Italy at age three, and that
might make her undocumented. But it certainly makes Adam Laxalt
a self hating hypocrite. But our winner, Lara Logan, congrats
on this hat trick. Lara four years ago. Four years ago,
(21:37):
she was the chief foreign affairs correspondent for CBS News.
Then she made up the Benghazi story and they fired her.
She drifted to Sinclair, then to Fox where she made
up the Antifa riot instructional manual story and the Palates
of Bricks story. Then this March she wound up on
news Max as a regular on the show of Eric Bowling,
(21:59):
who was also fired by Fox. And now they've fired
her because here's part one of why they fired her.
I spent to a man who was actually holding the
documents in his hand. He told me about it, right,
he said he was he infiltrated the global cabal at
the un level, right. And one of the things that
(22:20):
he was able to um to to tell me about
from his own personal experience when he witnessed himself, was
these documents that showed that the plan. There is a plan,
and this was several years ago, right. The plan was
to infiltrate a hundred million illegal immigrants. And at that
point they were already at forty million, and these people
(22:42):
would dilute what they called the pool of patriots do
with their words, right, right, the global cabal wrote all
this down for you, did they, Lara? Right? As an aside,
Lara Logan is an immigrant. Now she would have survived
that version of the dipsy Great Replacement delusion. It is
(23:02):
news Max after all. But then, and listen carefully to
the end of it. It gets a little obscured by
cross talk, as they say, she moved on to the
old they're drinking children's blood delusion. He knows that the
open border is Satan's way of taking control of the
world through all of these people who are his stooges
(23:23):
and his and his assertments. And they may think that
they're going to become God's that's what they tell us. You.
I'll know Harari and and all the rest of them
at the World Economic Forum. You know, the ones who
want us eating insects, cockroaches, and that while they dine
on the drug children. Those are the people, right, They're
not gonna win while they dine on the blood of children. Yeah,
(23:44):
that's called the blood libel in several of your well
known popular religions. Oh and she was the lead guest
on Eric Bowling's show. And you know who was in
the B slot on that show? Bill O'Reilly, Lara. I'm
not crazy. It's them the children's blood, because who are crazy?
(24:06):
Logan Today's worst person hell the world. Friday's with Thurber
(24:26):
Now and looking to our other back of the book feature,
as they call it, Big Week next week, I'll tell
you the day I suppressed a video of a star
baseball player nearly getting into a fist fight with a
fan in the middle of the World Series, and was
proud that I did so. Also the day I lived
the Ralphie goes crazy on the Bully scene from a
(24:47):
Christmas story. Lots of good things I promised not to tell.
But now it being Friday and the weekend to the
master the work of James Thurber. There is a short
film of this story. I don't think it really does
it justice, and I don't think anything does it justice. Ok.
Aasionally real life does do it justice. I've thought I've
(25:08):
seen this story playing out in real time in this
country almost every day for about seven years. Sit back
and relax, if relaxes the right word for it, for
the Greatest Man in the World by James Thurber. Looking
(25:29):
back on it now from the vantage point of ninety
one can only marvel that it had not happened. Long
before it did. The United States of America had been
ever since Kittie Hawk blindly constructing the elaborate Petard by which,
sooner or later it must be hoist. It was inevitable
(25:50):
that someday there would come roaring out of the skies,
a national hero of insufficient intelligence, background and character successfully
to endure the mounting orgies of glory prepared for aviators
who stayed up for a long time or flew a
great distance. Both Lindberg and Bird, fortunately for national decorum
and international amity, had been gentlemen, So had our other
(26:14):
famous aviators. They wore their laurels, gracefully, withstood the awful
weather of publicity, married excellent women, usually fine family, and
quietly retired to private life and the enjoyment of their
varying fortunes. No untoward incidents on a worldwide scale marred
the perfection of their conduct on the perilous heights of fame.
(26:36):
The exception to the rule was, however, bound to occur,
and it did in July seven when Jack pal smirch
erstwhile mechanics helper in a small garage in Westfield, Iowa,
flew a second hand, single noted breast Haven Dragonfly three
(26:58):
monoplane all the way around the world without stopping. Never
before in the history of aviation had such a flight
as Smirches even been dreamed of. No one had even
taken seriously the weird floating auxiliary gas tanks, invention of
the mad New Hampshire professor of Astronomy, Dr Charles Lewis Gresham,
(27:20):
upon which Smirch placed full reliance. When the garage worker
slightly built, surly unprepossessing young men of twenty two appeared
at Roosevelt Field early in July n slowly chewing a
great quid of scrap tobacco, and announced, nobody ain't seen
no flying yet. The newspapers touched briefly and satirically upon
(27:45):
his projected twenty five thousand mile flight. Aeronauticle and automotive
experts dismissed the idea, curtly, implying that it was a hoax,
the publicity stunt. The rusty, battered second hand plane wouldn't go,
The Gresham auxiliary tanks wouldn't work. It was simply a
(28:08):
cheap joke. Smirch, however, after calling on a girl in
Brooklyn who worked in the flap folding department of a
large paper box factory, a girl whom he later described
as his sweet but duty climbed nonchalantly into his ridiculous
plane at dawn the memorable seventh of July N spit
(28:30):
a curve of tobacco juice into the still air, and
took off, carrying with him only a gallon of bootleg
gin and six pounds of salami. When the garage boy
thundered out over the ocean, the papers were forced to
record in all seriousness that a mad, unknown young man
his name was variously misspelled, had actually set out upon
(28:54):
a preposterous attempt to span the world in a rickety
one engine contraption, trusting to the long distance refueling device
of a crazy school master. And nine days later, without
having stopped once, the tiny plane appeared above San Francisco Bay,
headed for New York, spluttering and choking, to be sure,
but still magnificently and miraculously aloft the headlines, which long
(29:18):
since had crowded everything else off the front page, Even
the shooting of the Governor of Illinois by the Valetti Gang,
swelled to unprecedented size, and the news stories began to
run to twenty five and thirty columns. It was noticeable, however,
that the accounts of the epoch making flight touched rather
(29:41):
lightly upon the aviator himself. This was not because the
facts about the hero as a man were too meager,
but because they were too complete. Reporters who had been
rushed out to Iowa when Smirch's plane was first sighted
over the ledge Lord French coast town of sair Lee
Lemaire to dig up the story of the great man's life,
(30:03):
had promptly discovered that the story of his life could
not be printed. His mother, a sullen short order cook
in a shack restaurant on the edge of a tourist's
camping ground near Westfield, met all inquiries as to her
son with an angry and the hell with him help
he drowns. His father appeared to be in jail somewhere
(30:24):
for stealing spotlights and lap robes from tourists automobiles. His
young brother, a weak minded lad, had but recently escaped
from the Preston, Iowa Reformatory and was already wanted in
several western towns where the theft of money order blanks
from post offices. These alarming discoveries were still piling up
at the very time that Pal Smirch, the greatest hero
(30:47):
of the twentieth century, blear eyed, dead for sleep, half starved,
was piloting his crazy junk heap high above the region
in which the lamentable story of his private life was
being unearthed, headed for New York, and a greater glory
than any man of his time had ever known. The
necessity for printing some account in the papers of the
(31:11):
young man's career and personality had led to a remarkable predicament.
It was, of course, impossible to reveal the facts, for
a tremendous popular feeling in favor of the young hero
had sprung up like a grass fire when he was
halfway across Europe on his flight around the globe. He
was therefore described as a modest, chap taciturn blonde, popular
(31:33):
with his friends, popular with girls. The only available snapshot
of Smirch, taken at the wheel of a phony automobile
in a cheap photo studio at an amusement park, was
touched up so that the little vulgarian looked quite handsome.
His twisted leer was smoothed into a pleasant smile. The
(31:54):
truth was, in this way kept from the youth's ecstatic compatriots.
They did not dream that the Smirch family was despised
and feared by its neighbors in the obscure Iowa town,
nor that the hero himself because if numerous unsavory exploits
had come to be regarded in Westfield as a nuisance
and a menace, pal Smirch had the reporters discovered once
(32:18):
knife the principle of his high school, not mortally, to
be sure, but he had knifed him, and on another occasion,
surprised in the act of an stealing altarcloth from a church,
he had bashed the sexton over the head with a
pot of Easter lilies. For each of these offenses he
had served a sentence in the reformatory. Inwardly, the authorities,
(32:43):
both in New York and in Washington, prayed that an
understanding providence might, however awful, such a thing seemed, bring
disaster to the rusty, battered plane and its illustrious pilot,
who's unheard of flight had aroused the civilized world to
hosannas of hysterical praise. The authorities were convinced that the
(33:03):
character of the renowned, owned aviator was such that the
limelight of adulation was bound to reveal him to all
the world as a congenital hooligan, mentally and morally unequipped
to cope with his own prodigious fame. Trust, said the
Secretary of State, at one of the many secret cabinet meetings,
(33:24):
called to consider the national dilemma, A trust that his
mother's prayer will be answered, by which he referred to
Mrs Emma's smirch's wish that her son might be drowned.
Was however, too late for that spurch had leaked the
Atlantic and then the Pacific as if they were mill ponds.
(33:44):
At three minutes after two o'clock on the afternoon of
July seven, the garage boy brought his idiotic plane into
Roosevelt Field for a perfect three point landing. It had,
of course been out of the question to arrange a
modest little reception for the greatest flyer in the history
of the world. He was received at Roosevelt Field with
(34:06):
such elaborate and pretentious ceremonies has rocked the world. Fortunately, however,
the warren and spent hero promptly swooned, had to be
removed bodily from his plane, and was spirited from the
field without having opened his mouth once. Thus he did
not jeopardize the dignity of his first reception, a reception
(34:26):
illumined by the presence of the secretaries of War and
the Navy, Mayor Michael J. Moriarty of New York, the
Premier of Canada, Governor's fanomen grows mcpheeley, and Critchfield in
a brilliant array of European diplomats. Smirch did not, in
fact come to in time to take part in the
gigantic hullabaloo arranged at City Hall for the next day.
(34:47):
He was rushed to a secluded nursing home and confined
in bed. It was nine days before he was able
to get up, or, to be more exact, before he
was permitted to get up. Meanwhile, the greatest minds in
the country and Solemn Assembly had arranged a secret conference
of city, state and government officials, which Smirch was to
(35:09):
attend for the purpose of being instructed in the ethics
and behavior of heroism. On the day that the little
mechanic was finally allowed to get up and dress, and
for the first time in two weeks, took a great
chew of tobacco, he was permitted to receive the newspaper
men this by way of testing him out. Smirch did
(35:31):
not wait for questions. Use guys, he said, and the
Times man winced use guys. Can tell a cock eyed
world that I put it over on Lindbergh. See yeah,
man an as said, I'm two frogs. The two frogs.
It was a reference to a pair of gallant French
(35:52):
flyers who, in attempting to flight only halfway round the world,
had two weeks before unhappily been lost at sea. The
Times man was bold enough at this point to sketch
out for Smirch the accepted formula for interviews in cases
of this kind. He explained that there should be no
arrogant statements belittling the achievements of other heroes, particularly heroes
(36:13):
of foreign nations. Ah to hell with that, said Smirch.
I did it. See I did it, and I'm talking
about it. And he did talk about it. None of
this extraordinary interview was, of course printed. On the contrary,
the newspapers, already under the discipline direction of a secret
(36:33):
director it created for the occasion, and composed of statesmen
and editors, gave out to a panting and restless world
that Jackie, as he had been arbitrarily nicknamed, would consent
to say only that he was very happy, and that
anyone could have done what he did. My achievement has
been I fear slightly exaggerated. The Times Man's article had
(36:55):
him protest with a modest smile. These newspaper stories were
kept from the hero, a restriction which did not serve
to abate the rise ing malevolence of his temper. The
situation was indeed extremely grave for pal Smirch was, as
he kept insisting, rare and to go. He could not
(37:17):
much longer be kept from a nation clamorous to lionize him.
It was the most desperate crisis the United States of
America had faced since the sinking of the Lusitania. On
the afternoon of the twenty seven of July, Smirch was
spirited away to a conference room in which were gathered mayors, governors,
government officials, behaviorist, psychologists, and editors. He gave them each
(37:41):
a limp moist paw, and a brief, unlovely grin, hi
he said. When Smirch was seated, the Mayor of New
York arose, and, with obvious pessimism, attempted to explain what
he must say and how he must act when presented
to the world, Ending his talk with a high tribute
to the hero's courage and integrity, the mayor was faul
(38:04):
by Governor Phantoman of New York, who, after a touching
declaration of faith, introduced Cameron Spottiswood, second Secretary of the
American Embassy in Paris, the gentleman selected to coach Smirch
in the amenities of public ceremonies. Sitting in a chair
with a soiled yellow tie in his hand and his
shirt open at the throat, unshaved, smoking a rolled cigarette,
(38:29):
Jack Smirch listened with a leer on his lips. I
get you, I get you, He cut in nastily. You
want me to act like a softy huh? You want
me to act like that memony, memny baby face lind
big huh, Well nuts to that. See. Everyone took in
his breath sharply. It was a sigh and a hiss.
(38:53):
Mr Lindbergh began a United States Senator purple with rage,
and Mr Bird Smirch, who was pairing his nails with
a jackknife, cut in again. Boyd. He exclaimed, for God's
sake that pick somebody shut off the blasphemies with a
sharp word. A newcomer had entered the word the room.
(39:13):
Everyone stood up, except Smirch, who was still busy with
his nails, and he did not even glance up. Mr Smirch,
said someone sternly. The President of the United States. It
had been thought that the presence of the Chief Executive
might have a chastening effect on the young hero, and
the former had been, thanks to the remarkable co operation
of the press, secretly brought to the obscure conference room.
(39:37):
A great painful silence fell. Smirch looked up, waved a
hand at the President. How are you coming, he asked,
and began rolling a fresh cigarette. The silence deepened. Someone
(40:00):
coughed in a strained way. Jesus, ain't it, said Smirch.
He loosened two more shirt buttons, revealing a hairy chest
and the tattooed word Sadie enclosed in a stenciled heart.
The great and important men in the room, faced by
(40:21):
the most serious crisis in American history, exchanged worried frowns.
Nobody seemed to know how to proceed. Come on, come on,
said Smirch. Let's get the hell outta here. Why do
I start cutting in on the party's uh? And when
is there gonna be this in it? He rubbed a
(40:41):
thumb and forefinger together meaningly, money, exclaimed a state senator shocked. Pale,
Yeah money, said pal, flipping his cigarette out of the window.
And big money. He began rolling a fresh cigarette. Big money,
he repeated, frowning over the rice paper. He tilted back
(41:03):
in his chair and lee at each gentleman separately, the
leer of an animal that knows its power, the leer
of a leopard loose in a bird and dog shop.
For God's sake, Let's get someplace where it's cool, he said.
I've been cooped up plenty for three weeks. Smurch stood
(41:24):
up and walked over to an open window, where he
stood staring down into the street nine floors below. The
faint shouting of newsboys floated up to him. He made
out his name, Hot Dog, he cried, grinning ecstatic. He
leaned out over the sill Yo talent babies. He shouted down,
(41:46):
hot Diggity Dog. In the tense little knot of men
standing behind him, a quick, mad impulse flared up. An
unspoken word of appeal of command seemed to ring through
the room, yet it was deadly silent. Charles K. L Brand,
secretary to the Mayor of New York City, happened to
be standing nearest smirch. He looked inquiringly at the President
(42:08):
of the United States. The President, pale grim nodded shortly.
Brand a tall, powerfully built man wants to tackle at
Rutgers University, stepped forward, seized the greatest man in the
world by his left shoulder and the seat of his pants,
and pushed him out the window. My god, he's fallen
out the window, cried a quick witted editor. Get me
(42:30):
out of here, cried the President. Several men sprang to
his side, and he was hurriedly escorted out of a
door toward a side entrance of the building. The editor
of the Associated Press took charge. Being used to such
things crisply, he ordered certain men to leave, others to stay. Quickly.
He outlined a story which all the papers were to
agree on, sent two men to the street to handle
that end of the tragedy, commanded a senator to sob
(42:51):
and two congressmen to go to pieces nervously. In a word,
he skillfully set the stage for the gigantic task that
was to follow, the task of breaking to a grief
stricken world the sad story of the untimely accidental death
of its most illustrious and spectacular figure. The funeral was,
(43:15):
as you know, the most elaborate, the finest, the solemnist,
and the saddest ever held in the United States of America.
The monument in Arlington Cemetery, with its clean white shaft
of marble and the simple device of a tiny plane
carved on its base, is a place for pilgrims in
(43:38):
deep reverence to visit. The nations of the world paid
lofty tributes to Little Jackie Smirch, America's greatest hero. At
a given hour, there were two minutes of silence throughout
the nation. Even the inhabitants of the small, bewildered town
of Westfield, Iowa, observed this touching ceremony. Agents of the
(44:01):
Department of Justice sought to that one of them was
especially assigned to stand grimly in the doorway of a
little Shock restaurant on the edge of the tourist's camping
ground just outside the town. There, under his stern scrutiny,
Mrs Emma Smirch bowed her head over to hamburger stakes
(44:21):
sizzling on her grill. Bowed her head and turned away
so that the secret serviceman could not see the twisted
strangely familiar leer on her lips. The Greatest Man in
the World by James Thurber. I love that one, even
(44:59):
though the Lindberg references became outdated shortly after Thurber published
it in Been. I believe in any event, I've done
all the damage I can do here. Since you've listened
this far, help me out spread the word. Tell somebody
else about this podcast, get them to subscribe to it.
Here are the credits. Most of the music, including our
theme from Beethobin's ninth, was arranged, produced and performed by
(45:20):
Brian Ray and John Philip Chanelle, who are the Countdown
musical directors. All orchestration and keyboards by John Philip Chanelle.
Guitars based on drums by Brian Ray, produced by t
k O Brothers. Other Beethoven selections have been arranged and
performed by the group No Horns Allowed. The sports music
is the Oberman theme from ESPN two, and it was
written by Mitch Warren Davis courtesy of ESPN, Inc. Musical
(45:43):
comments by Nancy Fauss. The best baseball stadium organist ever.
Our announcer today was Kenny Maine, and everything else was
pretty much my fault, so let's countdown for this the
six fifty fourth day since Donald Trump's first attempted coup
against the democratically elected government of the United States. Arrest
him now while we still can. A new episode Monday.
(46:03):
Until then, I'm keith ol Woman. Good morning, good afternoon, goodnight,
and good luck. Countdown with Keith ol Woman is a
production of I heart Radio. For more podcasts from I
heart Radio, visit the i heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts,
(46:23):
or wherever you get your podcasts.
Countdown with Keith Olderman is a production of I Heart Radio.
Liz Trusts is Kevin McCarthy. Liz Trust is Kevin Stitt,
(00:30):
Liz Trust is Carrie Lake. Liz Trust is Jim Banks.
Liz Trusts is every Republican economist. It is easy to
dismiss Liz Trust as a foreign punch line and oversees
irrelevancy in her own words, a fight or not a
quitter who twenty four hours later than quit. It is
(00:52):
fun to note that she's not just the shortest serving
prime minister in British history, but she did not last
half as long as the now runners up to nineteen
century guys who died in office. It is like primal
scream therapy to register that, Wow, she really did outlast
the thirty one days of our ninth president, William Henry.
(01:13):
It's just a cold Harrison, but she did not outlast
the brutal contest concocted by a brutal British tabloid. Her
premiership went rotten sooner than did its unrefrigerated head of Lettuce.
But Liz Trust is every arrogant, headstrong, right wing, reactionary, conservative, fascist,
(01:35):
magical thinking politician. In her country, in our country, in
other countries now and for all time. Her demise on
her forty fifth day as Prime Minister is simple to explain.
In the middle of her country's cost of living crisis,
she took office pledging one hundred billion pounds a year
to control runaway consumer energy prices, and pledging the largest
(02:00):
tax cut in half a century, to taxes for the rich,
cut taxes for corporations too, and to raise taxes on
nobody and nothing, and pledging to cut no public services,
and pledging to run the government on billions of borrowed pounds.
And when she was asked how she was going to
pay for all of it, she actually said, not by
(02:20):
cutting public spending, but by making sure we spend public money. Well,
the fight between mathematics and Liz Trusts was not a
pretty site. Mathematics brought the immutable rules of economy and
you know, addition and subtraction and crashing the British pound
(02:42):
and when you didn't notice that, then crashing the entire
British economy. And Liz trust brought a series of memorized
sound bites. Watching or listening to any one of her
anguished interviews, it became immediately apparent that it had never
previously occurred to her that the job of running a
(03:02):
government consisted of anything are complicated than managing to remember
which series of cliches you were supposed to say when
somebody asked you a question. The interviewer would ask one
of these questions, there would be a pause while the
Prime Minister's eyes fluttered and flashed, and she would then
say something that might or might not have anything to
(03:24):
do with the question, but which invariably recounted that she
had principles and policies and mandates and freedoms, and plans
and visions and bold visions and mandates for bold plans
to deliver principal policies, visions, and freedoms, And for forty
four days she seemed shocked that the mere invoking of
(03:47):
those words did not fix everything, as if she were
a Hogwarts professor in a Harry Potter movie. One of
the early good Ones, and Liz Trust is Kevin McCarthy
and every Republican. Sometimes if she's Carrie Lake or Laura Ingram,
she is in address or a pants suit. Sometimes if
(04:08):
she's Larry Cudlow, she is in a tie with two
vodka stains on it. The new British Prime Minister said
Trump's Director of National Economic Council Cudlow, has laid out
a terrific supply side economic growth plan which looks a
lot like the basic thrust of Kevin McCarthy's commitment to
America Plan. Larry Cudlow said this twenty nine days ago
(04:32):
on Fox News twenty nine. I'm very supportive of what
they're doing, said Trump's nominee to the Federal Reserve Board,
Stephen Moore. This is exactly what we should be doing
in the US. I'm surprised the market has not reacted positively,
but I think that's going to reverse course. Stephen Moore
(04:56):
said this twenties six days ago twenty six. Two weeks
from next Tuesday, Kevi and McCarthy could become Speaker of
the House and these economic illiterates like Stephen Moore and
Larry Cudlow could be rounded up from whatever bar stools
they have fallen under and made relevant and powerful again.
(05:20):
On Tuesday, Kevin McCarthy told punch Bowl News he is
ready to foment another debt ceiling crisis to force Joe
Biden and the Democrats to agree to cut in social
security and Medicare. He is ready to accomplish internationally and
intentionally what Liz Trust did out of stupidity. He is
(05:41):
ready to crash the world economy to make sure billionaires
in this country pay lower taxes. And the Democrats have
been so timid about screaming this fact in advertising every
day and screaming about how Saudi Arabia and Russia and
the Republicans have caused the gas price increases, that the
millions of damn fools that the rest of us carry
(06:03):
through this life may actually give these fascist bloodsuckers more power.
McCarthy's threat was so bald faced and so self destructive
that even he noticed it. McCarthy tried to walk it
back Wednesday. He tried to walk it back yesterday, And
while he was walking backwards, his fellow Liz Trust, in
(06:26):
a suit, Indiana Congressman Jim Banks would be majority whip
and chairman of the House Republican Study Committee, took to
a platform handed to him by Paramount and CBS News
and completely undermine McCarthy's efforts to walk this back. He
called the threat to crash the world economy to Liz Trust,
(06:48):
the world economy a quote major leverage point for the
House Republican majority to use to control spending. Banks went
on to say, we've seen the national debt now surpassed
thirty one trillion. It is a key driver of inflation.
Did the CBS news guy interviewing Jim Banks say, yeah,
(07:08):
seven trillion of that thirty one chillion was rung up
in just four years by you guys and Liz Trust Trump. No,
he did not say that to him. Liz Trust is
not a British politician or a brand new joke that
will last centuries. She is a franchise. She is every
(07:30):
unthinking student who signed up for all the tough courses
at seven am or eight am and boasted about her
four point oh to come without every thinking she's gonna
have to show up for the classes at that hour
and do the homework. She's every conservative politician in every
country in the last two decades. You might have facts,
(07:50):
but we have principles and policies and mandates and freedoms
and plans and visions, and if they don't work, we
have minorities to blame for it, and conspiracy theories to
throw against the wall. And if they don't work. We
just shout fraud and rig and decertified and conspiracy and
no boost the gauze filter setting on Carrie Lake's camera
(08:10):
from a seven to a forty three. Liz Trust is
Larry Cudlow, is Kevin McCarthy is, Jim Banks, is Kevin Stitt.
They have lied so long that they have not only
gotten their own idiot supporters to believe the lies, they
have gotten their own idiot supporters to believe only the lies.
(08:33):
And even they believe the lies themselves as they live them.
You have heard of Kevin Stitt. He is the governor
of Oklahoma. Nobody knows how. And his Democratic opponent Joy
Hoffmeister pointed out in their debate how crime ridden Oklahoma is.
(08:56):
There were four point two murders per hundred thousand residents
in New York State for the last completed year of statistics.
There were seven point four murders per hundred thousand in Oklahoma.
Seven point four is a lot more than four point two.
There were three d sixty four violent crimes per hundred
thousand residents in New York State were four hundred fifty
(09:20):
violent crimes per hundred thousand in Oklahoma. Therefore, Oklahoma is
either the twelve or the sixteenth most dangerous state in
our country, and New York is either then or the
thirty second. When at their debate, joy Hoffmeister referenced these facts,
(09:40):
these mathematical proven Hey, you know, addition doesn't give a
good god damn about your Liz Trusts facts. Governor Kevin
frat boys Stitt laughed, The moderators laughed, the audience laughed.
So let's talk about the facts. The fact is the
(10:04):
rates of violent crime are higher in Oklahoma under your
watch than in New York in California. That's a fact. Well,
we'll have that fact checked by the Frontier superintendent. It's
a fact. Do you believe we have higher crime than
New York or California? That's what she just said. Safety
(10:26):
and security is my top priority and it will be
as Governor Oklahoman's live in hell. They don't know it.
And when the grinning frat boy governor is taught it,
he laughs and they laugh. Governor Kevin Stitt is Liz
(10:47):
trust And sooner or later, as we have just seen,
Thank you, England, reality comes for at least some of
the Liz Trusses of this world. Some of the Kevin
Stits and the Donald Trust Trumps, and the Larry ud Lows,
and the Stephen Moore's, and the Kevin McCarthy's, and reality
(11:10):
eats them alive, slowly, painfully, and in a way that
the part that dies last is the cliche controls center,
so that though they are muffled from inside the belly
of the beast, you can still hear them, astonished, insisting,
but of principles and policies and mandates and freedoms and plans.
(11:35):
I have visions and bold visions and mandates for bold
plans and visions to deliver principal policies and freedoms. You
are not allowed to eat me alive. We have until
two weeks from Tuesday. Where are the commercials? Jesus H
(12:08):
Carist still ahead on countdown, Surprise, Cash Patel, former Senator
Kelly Lefler, and pats Sipoloni, Patsy Bologna to you, all
of them testifying in front of Grand Juries investigating Trump.
Ron de santis Is, Surgeon General, suggests Kvid the vaccines
(12:29):
are not safe. He does this on an avowed Q
and on show and the epic and ever topical James
Thurber story of when the most popular individual in the
country is also the worst individual in the country sounds
familiar for some reason. The greatest man in the World
on Friday's with Thurber coming up. That's next, This is Countdown.
(12:58):
This is Countdown with Keith Olberman still a head on
Countdown even if Cash Patel took the fifth that he
was at the Trump Documents grand jury and that it
met in Washington is a huge story. Next, And how
can you get blown out by CBS News, then Sinclair,
(13:20):
then Fox News and now get blown out by news
Max last night? Let's ask Lara they drink baby's blood
logan worst person's ahead first. In each edition of Countdown,
we feature a dog in need whom you can help.
Every dog has its day, well, you know me and
the Maltese and other little smart white dogs. Series is
(13:41):
in Pope Valley in California. Seven years old. She looks
like a malt mix. She suddenly started peeing blood. It
was a bladderstone. The human was desperate, could not afford
a bed, turned series over to Soft PAW's rescue. It
was a bladderstone. They got her treatment for that, and
suddenly she started to have seizures. Treatment for that is working,
but she'll need more of it, and she'll need some donations.
(14:03):
If you'd like to help, Sarah's will be the pinned
tweet at my account for dogs in Need at tom
Jumbo Grumbo, and retweeting her story will also help greatly,
So thank you for doing so. Postscripts to the news
(14:27):
some headlines, some insight, and some snark. Dateline Washington a
big scoop in the Trump documents case from CNN. Cash Patel,
the not so stable guy with the crazy stair, whom
Trump wanted to send to the National Archives to take
all those classified Russia investigation documents and release them on
the internet. He testified a week ago yesterday to the
(14:50):
d C Grand jury investigating Trump's nuclear kleptomania as just securities.
Ryan Goodman has noted this underscores that Trump is the
target of that grand jury. Also, Patel has previously claimed
that he had access to those documents. Trump had a
mari lago, and he knew what they were, and he
knew Trump had declassified them by the mere uttering a
(15:12):
few you know, magic incantations or whatever, which would mean
Trump let others improperly see classified materials, which would be
another charge. Unclear weather or not, Patel took the fifth
Dateline Atlanta. Meanwhile, now we know why all those texts
from Georgia's Senator Kelly Leffler making Marjorie Trailer Park green
looks so bad leaked out via the Atlanta Journal Constitution.
(15:36):
The former senator has testified in the Fulton County District
Attorney's case against Trump and Eastman and everybody else who
tried to tamper with the Georgia presidential vote in and
so has former White House Council Pat Sippoloni, or as
he's known in the lettering on the broadcasts Patsy Bologney
and Dateline London. I'm sorry, that's what breaking breaking news.
(16:01):
Liz Truss is not yet elected successor as UK Prime
Minister has just pre resigned. Wow, unusual, but I had
to say, excellent time management. This is Sports Center. Wait
(16:30):
check that not anymore. This is countdown with Keith Olberman.
In sports, the rule of home runs continues to apply.
Astro's one home run Yankees no home runs. Houston beats
New York three to two in Game two of the
American League Championship Series. The home run by Alex Bregman
(16:50):
drove in all three runs. The Yankees, eliminated four times
by the Astros since two thousand fifteen, are now behind
two games to none in this series. And if they're
late owner George Steinbrenner were still alive, he would by
now have fired manager Aaron Boone, general manager Brian Cashman,
and the Yankee Stadium organists. National League Playoff Series resumes
tonight in Philadelphia. Padres and Phillies tied at a game apiece,
(17:13):
and as baseball priticts faster games because of pitch clocks
and stay in the batter's box rules next year, did
you hear anybody mention anything about something called the a
B S System? The A B S System Automated Ball
Strike System allows batters to challenge called strikes. You heard
(17:34):
me replay for individual pitches. They are experimenting with it
now in the Arizona Fall League, And yesterday baseball started
circulating video of a three one pitch to Yankee prospect
Jason Dominguez of Mesa. The living breathing human umpire called
it a strike. Dominguez signal he was challenging the call
(17:56):
by tapping himself on the helmet and the automated Ball
Strike system then recreated the pitch in a computerized three
D visualization, which they let the crowd watch on the scoreboard,
and sure enough Dominguez was right. They changed the pitch
from a strike to a ball and he got a walk.
And this one bit of technology could buy itself extend
the average length of a baseball game from three hours
(18:18):
three minutes to like a month. It's just an experiment.
It's not part of the rules, but it's like the
atomic bomb. They did not invent it, just to keep
scientists busy. And hats off to my Vancouver Canucks of
the National Hockey League. Last Wednesday, they opened their season
by taking a three ZIP lead on Edmonton. The Canucks
(18:39):
lost the game five to three. Last Saturday, in Game two,
they went up to nothing at Philadelphia and lost three two.
Game three was Monday in Washington. They trailed that one
one nothing and two to one, but they were up
four to one and a great rally and they lost
that game six to four. Tuesday in Columbus they led
(19:00):
the Blue Jackets to zip and then three too, and
in overtime they lost four to three. And last night
in Minnesota, Game five of the season, they led the
Wild two to one, and then again they led the
Wild three to two, and yes they lost that game
in overtime. Four three five games five leads, five losses.
(19:23):
So for their impeccable play by play man, my friend
John Shorthouse, I have only this to say to you,
Thank you, Nancy Faust. Coming up Thurber's story of the
(19:46):
Inevitable Day when the hero turned out to be a
complete ass hat. I don't know that he used that
word at any point in the Thurber cannon, but it's
the greatest man in the world. Coming up first, the
daily round up of the misgrants, morons and Dunning Kruger
effect specimens who constitute today is worse persons in the world.
(20:09):
Lebronze Doctor Joseph Laudapo is back Surgeon General of Florida.
Somehow I need to see his license spending his time
attacking the safety of COVID vaccines. But something new this time.
Uh Drldappo did this attack on COVID vaccine safety on
the podcast X twenty two Report, which is a Q
(20:30):
and on podcast. That's the Governor of Florida, Rhonda Santis,
directly connected to Q and on the runner up, How
tired is this story? Adam Laxalt, the Nevada Republicans seeking
to unseat Senator Catherine Cortes Masto, is hardlining against not
just undocumented immigration, but also dreamers and other immigrants. Surprise,
(20:52):
Axios reports lack salts grandmother was an undocumented immigrant. It
unearthed the two thousand six speech by La salts father,
Senator Pete Domenici, who told of the day in the
early nineteen forties when the authorities drove up to their
home in New Mexico and took his mother, Laxalts grandmother
away in a black car because she quote unknowingly was
(21:16):
an illegal alien unquote demnic. She said, Laxalts grandmother came
to this country from Italy at age three, and that
might make her undocumented. But it certainly makes Adam Laxalt
a self hating hypocrite. But our winner, Lara Logan, congrats
on this hat trick. Lara four years ago. Four years ago,
(21:37):
she was the chief foreign affairs correspondent for CBS News.
Then she made up the Benghazi story and they fired her.
She drifted to Sinclair, then to Fox where she made
up the Antifa riot instructional manual story and the Palates
of Bricks story. Then this March she wound up on
news Max as a regular on the show of Eric Bowling,
(21:59):
who was also fired by Fox. And now they've fired
her because here's part one of why they fired her.
I spent to a man who was actually holding the
documents in his hand. He told me about it, right,
he said he was he infiltrated the global cabal at
the un level, right. And one of the things that
(22:20):
he was able to um to to tell me about
from his own personal experience when he witnessed himself, was
these documents that showed that the plan. There is a plan,
and this was several years ago, right. The plan was
to infiltrate a hundred million illegal immigrants. And at that
point they were already at forty million, and these people
(22:42):
would dilute what they called the pool of patriots do
with their words, right, right, the global cabal wrote all
this down for you, did they, Lara? Right? As an aside,
Lara Logan is an immigrant. Now she would have survived
that version of the dipsy Great Replacement delusion. It is
(23:02):
news Max after all. But then, and listen carefully to
the end of it. It gets a little obscured by
cross talk, as they say, she moved on to the
old they're drinking children's blood delusion. He knows that the
open border is Satan's way of taking control of the
world through all of these people who are his stooges
(23:23):
and his and his assertments. And they may think that
they're going to become God's that's what they tell us. You.
I'll know Harari and and all the rest of them
at the World Economic Forum. You know, the ones who
want us eating insects, cockroaches, and that while they dine
on the drug children. Those are the people, right, They're
not gonna win while they dine on the blood of children. Yeah,
(23:44):
that's called the blood libel in several of your well
known popular religions. Oh and she was the lead guest
on Eric Bowling's show. And you know who was in
the B slot on that show? Bill O'Reilly, Lara. I'm
not crazy. It's them the children's blood, because who are crazy?
(24:06):
Logan Today's worst person hell the world. Friday's with Thurber
(24:26):
Now and looking to our other back of the book feature,
as they call it, Big Week next week, I'll tell
you the day I suppressed a video of a star
baseball player nearly getting into a fist fight with a
fan in the middle of the World Series, and was
proud that I did so. Also the day I lived
the Ralphie goes crazy on the Bully scene from a
(24:47):
Christmas story. Lots of good things I promised not to tell.
But now it being Friday and the weekend to the
master the work of James Thurber. There is a short
film of this story. I don't think it really does
it justice, and I don't think anything does it justice. Ok.
Aasionally real life does do it justice. I've thought I've
(25:08):
seen this story playing out in real time in this
country almost every day for about seven years. Sit back
and relax, if relaxes the right word for it, for
the Greatest Man in the World by James Thurber. Looking
(25:29):
back on it now from the vantage point of ninety
one can only marvel that it had not happened. Long
before it did. The United States of America had been
ever since Kittie Hawk blindly constructing the elaborate Petard by which,
sooner or later it must be hoist. It was inevitable
(25:50):
that someday there would come roaring out of the skies,
a national hero of insufficient intelligence, background and character successfully
to endure the mounting orgies of glory prepared for aviators
who stayed up for a long time or flew a
great distance. Both Lindberg and Bird, fortunately for national decorum
and international amity, had been gentlemen, So had our other
(26:14):
famous aviators. They wore their laurels, gracefully, withstood the awful
weather of publicity, married excellent women, usually fine family, and
quietly retired to private life and the enjoyment of their
varying fortunes. No untoward incidents on a worldwide scale marred
the perfection of their conduct on the perilous heights of fame.
(26:36):
The exception to the rule was, however, bound to occur,
and it did in July seven when Jack pal smirch
erstwhile mechanics helper in a small garage in Westfield, Iowa,
flew a second hand, single noted breast Haven Dragonfly three
(26:58):
monoplane all the way around the world without stopping. Never
before in the history of aviation had such a flight
as Smirches even been dreamed of. No one had even
taken seriously the weird floating auxiliary gas tanks, invention of
the mad New Hampshire professor of Astronomy, Dr Charles Lewis Gresham,
(27:20):
upon which Smirch placed full reliance. When the garage worker
slightly built, surly unprepossessing young men of twenty two appeared
at Roosevelt Field early in July n slowly chewing a
great quid of scrap tobacco, and announced, nobody ain't seen
no flying yet. The newspapers touched briefly and satirically upon
(27:45):
his projected twenty five thousand mile flight. Aeronauticle and automotive
experts dismissed the idea, curtly, implying that it was a hoax,
the publicity stunt. The rusty, battered second hand plane wouldn't go,
The Gresham auxiliary tanks wouldn't work. It was simply a
(28:08):
cheap joke. Smirch, however, after calling on a girl in
Brooklyn who worked in the flap folding department of a
large paper box factory, a girl whom he later described
as his sweet but duty climbed nonchalantly into his ridiculous
plane at dawn the memorable seventh of July N spit
(28:30):
a curve of tobacco juice into the still air, and
took off, carrying with him only a gallon of bootleg
gin and six pounds of salami. When the garage boy
thundered out over the ocean, the papers were forced to
record in all seriousness that a mad, unknown young man
his name was variously misspelled, had actually set out upon
(28:54):
a preposterous attempt to span the world in a rickety
one engine contraption, trusting to the long distance refueling device
of a crazy school master. And nine days later, without
having stopped once, the tiny plane appeared above San Francisco Bay,
headed for New York, spluttering and choking, to be sure,
but still magnificently and miraculously aloft the headlines, which long
(29:18):
since had crowded everything else off the front page, Even
the shooting of the Governor of Illinois by the Valetti Gang,
swelled to unprecedented size, and the news stories began to
run to twenty five and thirty columns. It was noticeable, however,
that the accounts of the epoch making flight touched rather
(29:41):
lightly upon the aviator himself. This was not because the
facts about the hero as a man were too meager,
but because they were too complete. Reporters who had been
rushed out to Iowa when Smirch's plane was first sighted
over the ledge Lord French coast town of sair Lee
Lemaire to dig up the story of the great man's life,
(30:03):
had promptly discovered that the story of his life could
not be printed. His mother, a sullen short order cook
in a shack restaurant on the edge of a tourist's
camping ground near Westfield, met all inquiries as to her
son with an angry and the hell with him help
he drowns. His father appeared to be in jail somewhere
(30:24):
for stealing spotlights and lap robes from tourists automobiles. His
young brother, a weak minded lad, had but recently escaped
from the Preston, Iowa Reformatory and was already wanted in
several western towns where the theft of money order blanks
from post offices. These alarming discoveries were still piling up
at the very time that Pal Smirch, the greatest hero
(30:47):
of the twentieth century, blear eyed, dead for sleep, half starved,
was piloting his crazy junk heap high above the region
in which the lamentable story of his private life was
being unearthed, headed for New York, and a greater glory
than any man of his time had ever known. The
necessity for printing some account in the papers of the
(31:11):
young man's career and personality had led to a remarkable predicament.
It was, of course, impossible to reveal the facts, for
a tremendous popular feeling in favor of the young hero
had sprung up like a grass fire when he was
halfway across Europe on his flight around the globe. He
was therefore described as a modest, chap taciturn blonde, popular
(31:33):
with his friends, popular with girls. The only available snapshot
of Smirch, taken at the wheel of a phony automobile
in a cheap photo studio at an amusement park, was
touched up so that the little vulgarian looked quite handsome.
His twisted leer was smoothed into a pleasant smile. The
(31:54):
truth was, in this way kept from the youth's ecstatic compatriots.
They did not dream that the Smirch family was despised
and feared by its neighbors in the obscure Iowa town,
nor that the hero himself because if numerous unsavory exploits
had come to be regarded in Westfield as a nuisance
and a menace, pal Smirch had the reporters discovered once
(32:18):
knife the principle of his high school, not mortally, to
be sure, but he had knifed him, and on another occasion,
surprised in the act of an stealing altarcloth from a church,
he had bashed the sexton over the head with a
pot of Easter lilies. For each of these offenses he
had served a sentence in the reformatory. Inwardly, the authorities,
(32:43):
both in New York and in Washington, prayed that an
understanding providence might, however awful, such a thing seemed, bring
disaster to the rusty, battered plane and its illustrious pilot,
who's unheard of flight had aroused the civilized world to
hosannas of hysterical praise. The authorities were convinced that the
(33:03):
character of the renowned, owned aviator was such that the
limelight of adulation was bound to reveal him to all
the world as a congenital hooligan, mentally and morally unequipped
to cope with his own prodigious fame. Trust, said the
Secretary of State, at one of the many secret cabinet meetings,
(33:24):
called to consider the national dilemma, A trust that his
mother's prayer will be answered, by which he referred to
Mrs Emma's smirch's wish that her son might be drowned.
Was however, too late for that spurch had leaked the
Atlantic and then the Pacific as if they were mill ponds.
(33:44):
At three minutes after two o'clock on the afternoon of
July seven, the garage boy brought his idiotic plane into
Roosevelt Field for a perfect three point landing. It had,
of course been out of the question to arrange a
modest little reception for the greatest flyer in the history
of the world. He was received at Roosevelt Field with
(34:06):
such elaborate and pretentious ceremonies has rocked the world. Fortunately, however,
the warren and spent hero promptly swooned, had to be
removed bodily from his plane, and was spirited from the
field without having opened his mouth once. Thus he did
not jeopardize the dignity of his first reception, a reception
(34:26):
illumined by the presence of the secretaries of War and
the Navy, Mayor Michael J. Moriarty of New York, the
Premier of Canada, Governor's fanomen grows mcpheeley, and Critchfield in
a brilliant array of European diplomats. Smirch did not, in
fact come to in time to take part in the
gigantic hullabaloo arranged at City Hall for the next day.
(34:47):
He was rushed to a secluded nursing home and confined
in bed. It was nine days before he was able
to get up, or, to be more exact, before he
was permitted to get up. Meanwhile, the greatest minds in
the country and Solemn Assembly had arranged a secret conference
of city, state and government officials, which Smirch was to
(35:09):
attend for the purpose of being instructed in the ethics
and behavior of heroism. On the day that the little
mechanic was finally allowed to get up and dress, and
for the first time in two weeks, took a great
chew of tobacco, he was permitted to receive the newspaper
men this by way of testing him out. Smirch did
(35:31):
not wait for questions. Use guys, he said, and the
Times man winced use guys. Can tell a cock eyed
world that I put it over on Lindbergh. See yeah,
man an as said, I'm two frogs. The two frogs.
It was a reference to a pair of gallant French
(35:52):
flyers who, in attempting to flight only halfway round the world,
had two weeks before unhappily been lost at sea. The
Times man was bold enough at this point to sketch
out for Smirch the accepted formula for interviews in cases
of this kind. He explained that there should be no
arrogant statements belittling the achievements of other heroes, particularly heroes
(36:13):
of foreign nations. Ah to hell with that, said Smirch.
I did it. See I did it, and I'm talking
about it. And he did talk about it. None of
this extraordinary interview was, of course printed. On the contrary,
the newspapers, already under the discipline direction of a secret
(36:33):
director it created for the occasion, and composed of statesmen
and editors, gave out to a panting and restless world
that Jackie, as he had been arbitrarily nicknamed, would consent
to say only that he was very happy, and that
anyone could have done what he did. My achievement has
been I fear slightly exaggerated. The Times Man's article had
(36:55):
him protest with a modest smile. These newspaper stories were
kept from the hero, a restriction which did not serve
to abate the rise ing malevolence of his temper. The
situation was indeed extremely grave for pal Smirch was, as
he kept insisting, rare and to go. He could not
(37:17):
much longer be kept from a nation clamorous to lionize him.
It was the most desperate crisis the United States of
America had faced since the sinking of the Lusitania. On
the afternoon of the twenty seven of July, Smirch was
spirited away to a conference room in which were gathered mayors, governors,
government officials, behaviorist, psychologists, and editors. He gave them each
(37:41):
a limp moist paw, and a brief, unlovely grin, hi
he said. When Smirch was seated, the Mayor of New
York arose, and, with obvious pessimism, attempted to explain what
he must say and how he must act when presented
to the world, Ending his talk with a high tribute
to the hero's courage and integrity, the mayor was faul
(38:04):
by Governor Phantoman of New York, who, after a touching
declaration of faith, introduced Cameron Spottiswood, second Secretary of the
American Embassy in Paris, the gentleman selected to coach Smirch
in the amenities of public ceremonies. Sitting in a chair
with a soiled yellow tie in his hand and his
shirt open at the throat, unshaved, smoking a rolled cigarette,
(38:29):
Jack Smirch listened with a leer on his lips. I
get you, I get you, He cut in nastily. You
want me to act like a softy huh? You want
me to act like that memony, memny baby face lind
big huh, Well nuts to that. See. Everyone took in
his breath sharply. It was a sigh and a hiss.
(38:53):
Mr Lindbergh began a United States Senator purple with rage,
and Mr Bird Smirch, who was pairing his nails with
a jackknife, cut in again. Boyd. He exclaimed, for God's
sake that pick somebody shut off the blasphemies with a
sharp word. A newcomer had entered the word the room.
(39:13):
Everyone stood up, except Smirch, who was still busy with
his nails, and he did not even glance up. Mr Smirch,
said someone sternly. The President of the United States. It
had been thought that the presence of the Chief Executive
might have a chastening effect on the young hero, and
the former had been, thanks to the remarkable co operation
of the press, secretly brought to the obscure conference room.
(39:37):
A great painful silence fell. Smirch looked up, waved a
hand at the President. How are you coming, he asked,
and began rolling a fresh cigarette. The silence deepened. Someone
(40:00):
coughed in a strained way. Jesus, ain't it, said Smirch.
He loosened two more shirt buttons, revealing a hairy chest
and the tattooed word Sadie enclosed in a stenciled heart.
The great and important men in the room, faced by
(40:21):
the most serious crisis in American history, exchanged worried frowns.
Nobody seemed to know how to proceed. Come on, come on,
said Smirch. Let's get the hell outta here. Why do
I start cutting in on the party's uh? And when
is there gonna be this in it? He rubbed a
(40:41):
thumb and forefinger together meaningly, money, exclaimed a state senator shocked. Pale,
Yeah money, said pal, flipping his cigarette out of the window.
And big money. He began rolling a fresh cigarette. Big money,
he repeated, frowning over the rice paper. He tilted back
(41:03):
in his chair and lee at each gentleman separately, the
leer of an animal that knows its power, the leer
of a leopard loose in a bird and dog shop.
For God's sake, Let's get someplace where it's cool, he said.
I've been cooped up plenty for three weeks. Smurch stood
(41:24):
up and walked over to an open window, where he
stood staring down into the street nine floors below. The
faint shouting of newsboys floated up to him. He made
out his name, Hot Dog, he cried, grinning ecstatic. He
leaned out over the sill Yo talent babies. He shouted down,
(41:46):
hot Diggity Dog. In the tense little knot of men
standing behind him, a quick, mad impulse flared up. An
unspoken word of appeal of command seemed to ring through
the room, yet it was deadly silent. Charles K. L Brand,
secretary to the Mayor of New York City, happened to
be standing nearest smirch. He looked inquiringly at the President
(42:08):
of the United States. The President, pale grim nodded shortly.
Brand a tall, powerfully built man wants to tackle at
Rutgers University, stepped forward, seized the greatest man in the
world by his left shoulder and the seat of his pants,
and pushed him out the window. My god, he's fallen
out the window, cried a quick witted editor. Get me
(42:30):
out of here, cried the President. Several men sprang to
his side, and he was hurriedly escorted out of a
door toward a side entrance of the building. The editor
of the Associated Press took charge. Being used to such
things crisply, he ordered certain men to leave, others to stay. Quickly.
He outlined a story which all the papers were to
agree on, sent two men to the street to handle
that end of the tragedy, commanded a senator to sob
(42:51):
and two congressmen to go to pieces nervously. In a word,
he skillfully set the stage for the gigantic task that
was to follow, the task of breaking to a grief
stricken world the sad story of the untimely accidental death
of its most illustrious and spectacular figure. The funeral was,
(43:15):
as you know, the most elaborate, the finest, the solemnist,
and the saddest ever held in the United States of America.
The monument in Arlington Cemetery, with its clean white shaft
of marble and the simple device of a tiny plane
carved on its base, is a place for pilgrims in
(43:38):
deep reverence to visit. The nations of the world paid
lofty tributes to Little Jackie Smirch, America's greatest hero. At
a given hour, there were two minutes of silence throughout
the nation. Even the inhabitants of the small, bewildered town
of Westfield, Iowa, observed this touching ceremony. Agents of the
(44:01):
Department of Justice sought to that one of them was
especially assigned to stand grimly in the doorway of a
little Shock restaurant on the edge of the tourist's camping
ground just outside the town. There, under his stern scrutiny,
Mrs Emma Smirch bowed her head over to hamburger stakes
(44:21):
sizzling on her grill. Bowed her head and turned away
so that the secret serviceman could not see the twisted
strangely familiar leer on her lips. The Greatest Man in
the World by James Thurber. I love that one, even
(44:59):
though the Lindberg references became outdated shortly after Thurber published
it in Been. I believe in any event, I've done
all the damage I can do here. Since you've listened
this far, help me out spread the word. Tell somebody
else about this podcast, get them to subscribe to it.
Here are the credits. Most of the music, including our
theme from Beethobin's ninth, was arranged, produced and performed by
(45:20):
Brian Ray and John Philip Chanelle, who are the Countdown
musical directors. All orchestration and keyboards by John Philip Chanelle.
Guitars based on drums by Brian Ray, produced by t
k O Brothers. Other Beethoven selections have been arranged and
performed by the group No Horns Allowed. The sports music
is the Oberman theme from ESPN two, and it was
written by Mitch Warren Davis courtesy of ESPN, Inc. Musical
(45:43):
comments by Nancy Fauss. The best baseball stadium organist ever.
Our announcer today was Kenny Maine, and everything else was
pretty much my fault, so let's countdown for this the
six fifty fourth day since Donald Trump's first attempted coup
against the democratically elected government of the United States. Arrest
him now while we still can. A new episode Monday.
(46:03):
Until then, I'm keith ol Woman. Good morning, good afternoon, goodnight,
and good luck. Countdown with Keith ol Woman is a
production of I heart Radio. For more podcasts from I
heart Radio, visit the i heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts,
(46:23):
or wherever you get your podcasts.
Host
Keith Olbermann
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