March 7, 2024 • 44 mins
SERIES 2 EPISODE 136: COUNTDOWN WITH KEITH OLBERMANN
A-Block (1:44) SPECIAL COMMENT: What President Biden should say in The State of the Union tonight is, to declare, simply and directly, that of all the threats to the United States of America the greatest of these is Donald John Trump and thus tonight I am declaring The Biden Doctrine. And in sum, my fellow Americans, the Biden Doctrine is this: we must save our country from madness and vengeance and hate and racism and dictatorship, and to save our country from these evils, we must metaphorically kick the ever-loving shit out of Donald Trump.
Instead, the White House expects Biden to deliver a traditional speech that will re-set the campaign. The problem is, it'll be designed for a major event in the life of the nation called The State of the Union that… doesn’t exist any more. 53 million people watched Bill Clinton’s tension-filled post-Lewinsky State of the Union in 1998. That was 20 percent of the population. Last year? Biden had 27 million viewers and not a whole lot of streamers.
The other problem is, 538 researched Presidential Approval before and after each SOTU since 1978 and the average change in approval is a microscopic 1.9%. The all-time highest was Clinton's 10% gain after he stared down the Republicans post-Lewinsky. If you really do think this is your last chance to fundamentally re-set the race, then gimme The Biden Doctrine. What IS the Biden Doctrine about? The Biden Doctrine is about the greatest threat facing this nation. And what IS the greatest threat to the nation? It’s Trump. It’s Trump’s Cult. It’s Trump’s madness. It’s Trump’s racism. It’s Trump’s desire to be a dictator. It’s Trump’s next coup.
Do it. If they build statues to President Joseph Robinette Biden Junior it will be for saving this nation from Donald Trump. Twice. There is no reason to back away from the easiest to understand accomplishment. There is no reason to hide from what even HE says is the reason he IS running again: to stop Trump and save representative government. Pound the son of a bitch in the ground, like you did at Independence Hall in September ’22. You'll get ten percent approval growth just for THAT.
And don't forget to join me live on YouTube and Twitch right after the speech for the Countdown With Keith Olbermann State of the Union Post-Game Show. Biden starts about 9 ET, I should start around 10. Be there. Aloha.
B-Block (22:59) THE WORST PERSONS IN THE WORLD: Bill Hemmer says because they cut away from Trump's "victory" speeches CNN and MSNBC should drop "news" from their names. Hilariously, last month Fox News... cut away from Trump's "victory" speeches. Politico and 60,000 other news organizations devoted space to a Democratic presidential candidate who got exactly 51 votes on Tuesday. And Elon Musk a) lied about Biden bringing in foreigners to vote b) lied when he called it "treason" c) probably lied about not helping Trump with financing and d) on the other hand, a candidate he opposed this week won by 2 to 1.
C-Block (33:13) THURSDAYS WITH THURBER: They're all brilliantly written. But "The Car We Had To Push" is brilliantly written to be read aloud. One I've never read you before, from his classic book about his childhood in Columbus, Ohio: "My Life And Hard Times."
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
Countdown with Keith Olderman is a production of iHeartRadio. What
the President should say in the State of the Union
Address tonight is to declare, simply and directly that of
(00:28):
all the threats to the United States of America, the
greatest of these is Donald John Trump. And thus tonight
I am declaring the Biden doctrine. And in summation, my
fellow Americans, the Biden doctrine is this, we must save
our country from madness, and save our country from vengeance
(00:51):
and from hate, and from racism and from dictatorship. And
to save our country from these evils, we must metaphorically
kick the ever loving shit out of Donald Trump. Instead.
What I think they are dreaming of at the White
House is this house. Sergeant at Arms William McFarlane says,
(01:15):
mister speaker, the President of the United States. And all
President Biden has to do then is cartwheel down the
aisle while stopping to take selfies and finish Erubik's Cube
in under thirty seconds, and then deliver the State of
the Union while on a unicycle and while singing all
(01:36):
four verses of the Star Spangled Banner while simultaneously whistling
it through his ear lobes, and then this nonsense will
be at an end forever and the election can be
decided on what actually matters. Sadly, that wouldn't be enough. Honestly,
(01:57):
that wouldn't do it, because Fox News would edit that,
and Kristen Welker would say he only allegedly rode the
unicycle for fifty eight minutes, and Maureen Dowd would complain
he was singing out of key, and some special interest
group on the left whose compatriots Trump wants to imprison
(02:17):
or deport or kill would complain Biden didn't whistle somebody
else's anthem. I get the desire on the Biden White
House team, and the Biden policy team, and the Biden
Comms team, and especially the Biden campaign team for a
home run that will reset this nonsense. And perhaps there
(02:40):
is a home run to be hit if you look
at it in narrow focus, as in what he could
do by reassuring those marginally invested likely voters that he
didn't take a nap during the State of the Union.
But everything I have heard them say, even what they
put out on social media last night, about stating what
(03:02):
he's done, what he's going to do, and hitting infrastructure
and abolishing junk fees and fewer guns and fewer tax
breaks for the wealthy, and protecting women's rights to choose
and lowering student debt and drug prices and healthcare and
the leak to Politico about taking Trump's vendetta against Obamacare
and shoving it down his throat every day until the election.
It's all great, it's all true, it's all real, it's
(03:24):
all important. But it's designed for a major event in
the life of the nation called the State of the Union,
a major event that doesn't exist anymore. Fifty three million
people watched the first one of these I ever anchored.
Fifty three million people watched Bill Clinton's tension filled post
(03:48):
Lewinski State of the Union in nineteen ninety eight. Fifty
three million people was twenty percent of the population two
months before he pointlessly invaded Iraq, just sixteen months after
nine to eleven. Sixty two million watched George W. Bush
in two thousand and three, even as then Vice President
Biden sat behind President Obama. In two thousand and nine,
(04:10):
it was fifty two million, and even in twenty twenty two,
Biden's first official State of the Union, it was thirty
eight million, and last year it was twenty seven million,
and three quarters of them were fifty five years or older.
And good luck finding the streaming number. How many people
watched it online? The number that they never bothered to announce,
(04:34):
And what if it was twenty four million, which it wasn't,
combine that with the TV audience, it would still be
less than Obama in two thousand and nine, in a
country that is now ten percent larger. We don't do
speeches anymore. We don't listen to them anyway. The premise
is is brevity and reality and informality and viral moments
(04:58):
and anything but a speech. And even if you're good
at it, sometimes great at it, as Obama was. Even
his dience declined every year, and I get it every year.
We have twice as many ways to spend that one
winter hour. But we don't do speech listening anymore, which
(05:22):
puts the president in a no win because if he
did what the times really demand that he should do,
cut it to twenty minutes plus some multimedia and a
red carpet outside and halftime and a band and seth
Meyers and ice cream and lasers. This would guarantee that
the same dim witted media that reports the TV audience
(05:43):
but never even bothers to try to find the streaming
number would come back and say it couldn't even give
a real State of the Union. I mean, what was
up with those lasers? Though Taylor's swift at halftime that
was genius. Maybe we should put her on the ticket.
So tonight Joe Biden must run through this antique gauntlet
(06:04):
in which he us prove that he is vibrant and
clear and sharp and of the moment and with it
and entirely of the twenty first century by giving a
speech the idea of which isn't vibrant or clear or sharp,
or of the moment, or with it, or of the
twenty first century. Prove to us you can be president
(06:25):
through the year twenty twenty nine by doing something that
began to go out of dat in in nineteen eighty nine.
I mean, what are we expecting here? FDR introduced the
Four Freedoms in the State of the Union in nineteen
forty one. The Monroe doctrine was first presented in the
(06:47):
State of the Union Lyndon Johnson's War on Poverty and
forget for a moment the falsity of it. Bush gave
us the axis of evil in the State of the Union.
If President Biden has something like that, run with it.
Give me the axis of price gougers, give me the
four new freedoms. Go meta, do the Nancy Pelosi, tear
(07:13):
up your own speech and win it. The problem ultimately
is this, Joe Biden can give the greatest State of
the Union of all time, and the right wing will
still say he stumbled through it, and the supposedly neutral
news industry will still look for the stupidest shiny object
(07:34):
they can find and ignore the substance. And somebody, somebody
is at this moment already on the way to a
TV studio somewhere to do that body language analysis crap
on how Joe Biden looked, And even then failure or success,
(07:55):
good grades from the body language lady or bad ones,
it won't really matter, because this isn't eighteen twenty three
or nineteen four forty one or even nineteen ninety eight.
One of the sharper guys at five point thirty eight,
named Nathaniel Raikisch matched the States of the Union addresses
(08:16):
and the state of the approval ratings of the presidents
who gave them, and since nineteen seventy eight, over the
last forty six of these, the average impact on presidential approval,
the average value of a good state of the Union
to a president, or the average punishment for a bad
state of the Union, has been just under two percent.
(08:41):
The most Joe Biden can realistically hope for is his
approval number goes up one point nine percent tomorrow or
it drops less than one point nine percent. Obama went
up two point six percent after a good one in
twenty twelve. That's the only time in twenty years that
anybody's approval went up more than two point one percent,
(09:04):
the only time since nineteen seventy eight these things have
actually mattered. Yes, it was the Bill Clinton speech, literally
ten days after the Lewinsky scandal was launched by the Republicans.
Clinton came out firing and confident and just pissed off enough,
and his approval the next day went up ten points.
(09:30):
I mean, if you want that, President Biden, I do
have it for you. You want to convert what is
seen inside the White House as the last chance for
a total reset. You want the home run, the game changer.
If you really do think this is your last chance
(09:50):
to fundamentally reset the race. Then gimme the Biden doctrine.
The Biden doctrine has to be about the greatest threat
facing this nation. What is the greatest threat to this nation?
It's Trump. It's Trump cult, It's Trump's madness, It's Trump's racism,
It's Trump's desire to be a dictator. It's Trump's next coup.
(10:11):
Do it. If they ever build statues to President Joseph
Robinette Biden Junior, it will be for saving this nation
from Donald Trump twice. There is no reason to back
away from this, the easiest to understand presidential accomplishment in decades.
(10:37):
There is no reason to hide from what even President
Biden says is the reason he is running again to
stop Trump and save representative government in the United States
of America. Pound the son of a bitch into the
ground like you did at Independence Hall in September of
twenty two. You're worried it's too political to be the
(11:01):
State of the Union. Do you think the reaction to
the State of the Union is not political? Do you
think that half witted Republican James Comer trotting out the
corrupt Special counsel Robert Hurr to testify about your age
and your memory next Monday. You think that isn't political.
You think Congressman Joe Wilson yelling you lie at Obama
(11:25):
during his September speech to Congress in nine wasn't political.
You think Marjorie Taylor Green wearing a cheap horseshoes stole
that looked like they had awarded it to her for
finishing third in the Kentucky Derby yelling liar at you
last year. You think that wasn't political? Shoot the works.
(11:46):
Make some reference to Green showing those pictures of your son,
and your approval rating will jump five points just for that.
It's not like the Republicans do anything but politics. It's
not like they will not do politics in the response,
no matter what you say or do or how well
you do it. And most importantly, it's not like Trump
(12:07):
is not the biggest threat to America. Good evening, my
fellow Americans. The state of the Union is pretty good,
getting better, accept reaches under lectern Accept for this guy
spits into picture of Trump's face. We will prosper, we
(12:32):
will prevail, we will grow, we will solve the Middle
East and guarantee Ukraine and the women's right to choose
and lower drug prices, and we will complete our pursuit
of happiness. But first we must stop reaches into pocket
for a lighter sets picture of Trump a blaze. We
(12:55):
must stop this guy. And when I say stop, my
fellow Americans, I mean metaphorically, we must kick the ever
loving shit out of Donald Trump. Thank you, God, bless you, God,
bless our troops, God bless America. And please stay tuned
(13:15):
for Keith Alderman's State of the Union postgame show live
on YouTube and Twitch. Leave out the plug and just
steal somebody else's State of the Union that seems applicable
to the current day. The dogmas of the client past
are inadequate to the stormy present. The occasion is piled
(13:38):
high with difficulty, and we must rise with the occasion.
As our case is new, so we must think a
new and act anew. We must disenthrall ourselves, and then
we shall save our country from Trump. Fellow citizens, we
cannot escape history. We of this Congress and this administration
(14:01):
will be remembered in spite of ourselves. Significance or insignificance.
Can spare one or another of us. The fiery trial
through which we pass will light us down in honor
or dishonor to the latest generation. We say we are
for the Union. The world will not forget that we
(14:24):
say this. We know how to save the Union. The
world knows we do know how to save it. We
shall nobly save or meanly lose the last best hope
of Earth. And then Joe Biden does the cartwheels off
(14:46):
the stage and up the aisle, and he just accidentally
kicks Marge Green in the head on the way out,
and the Republican response would then just be Alabama's bubble
headed Senator Katie Britt sitting there with her mouth hanging
open for about eight minutes. His approval ratings would jump
to fifty four. Use the one I wrote, use the
run abe Lincoln wrote, doesn't matter. This will not happen. Sadly,
(15:12):
but he has got to give one of those speeches,
probably both of those speeches, sometime and soon. He's got
to offer this country a choice, Joe Biden or the
bottomless pit. He's got to read that pulling. I mentioned
(15:34):
yesterday that of the swing voters in the Swing States,
only thirty one percent have heard all of the vile
anti American atrocities coming out of Trump's mouth about concentration
camps and dictatorships and vermin and Trump and his rapidly
forming SS are handing Joe Biden new material every day.
(15:59):
Every day. The State of the Union address could be
made up entirely of reactions to things Republican said yesterday.
Last night, this bizarre speaker of the House, this strange
man who seems to come from the proverbial town full
(16:20):
of secrets, Mike Johnson, he boasted about defunding the police.
We're going to cut three percent from DOJ, seven percent
from the ATF, six percent from the FBI. Nancy Mace
then followed up with a crack about how suddenly Joe
Biden thinks defending the police is a bad thing, and
(16:41):
of course she was too stupid to realize that she
had just confirmed it. She and her party and Trump
therefore must think defunding the police is a good thing.
Put that in the State in the Union. And Ran
Paul said yesterday we have to talk about cutting Social
Security and Medicare and all the other entitlements. Put that
in the State of the Union. Mention this wig and
(17:03):
I'll give you a fifty bucks. And then the Ava
Braun of Upstate New York, Eleast Stefanic handed the campaign
another ad or you another five minutes. In the State
of the Union, As.
Speaker 2 (17:19):
Ronald Reagan famously asked us, are you better off today
than you were four years ago? The answer, for hard
working Americans across the country is a resounding no.
Speaker 1 (17:31):
Let's see she said this yesterday, March six. So four
years ago is March six, twenty twenty. And what was
happening on March six, twenty twenty, Well, that was the
day Trump would not let the first American COVID victims
off the Grand Princess Cruise ship because I like the
coronavirus numbers being where they are. I don't need to
(17:52):
have the numbers double because of one ship. And four
years ago, at this time, Trump was telling Bob Woodward
in a recorded phone call that COVID was actually deadly
and it was transmitted not surface to surface but by air,
and that he was lying to the American public about it.
And then Trump's lies and policies and cronies and suggestions
(18:14):
that we eat light bulbs and drink bleach. Those things
have combined to kill one million, two hundred and seventeen
thousand Americans four years ago today, well, it's true the
ones he killed, that was a better day than it
is now. Put that in the State of the Union,
mister President, because when we use the phrase life or
(18:36):
death about keeping Trump out of power, it is not
a metaphor, mister President, it is reality. Because Donald Trump
is death, and my fellow Americans, Joe Biden should conclude.
The Biden doctrine is this, we must save our country,
(18:57):
and to save our country, we must metaphorically kick the
ever loving shit out of Donald Trump. Whatever. I will
be live on YouTube and Twitch a live video Countdown
(19:17):
podcast right after the State of the Union President starts
at about nine. I expect to start about ten. If
he gives the Biden doctrine speech, we will only be
live for about two minutes because about two minutes of
me gut laughing and dancing around our custom built studio
at iHeart Headquarters is about all anybody could take right now.
(19:41):
Also of interest, here in an all new edition of Countdown,
the bad news about Elon Musk. He's got something going
with Trump's campaign, and he's trying to keep it a secret.
The good news is he just campaigned against the district
attorney in Austin, Texas in the primary there and the
district attorney in Austin, Texas one three to one. That's next.
(20:05):
This is Countdown. This is Countdown with Keith Olberman still
(20:32):
ahead of us on this all new edition of Countdown
Fridays with Thurber. Wait, I hear you saying it's not Friday,
is it? No, it is not Friday. Congratulations, but virtually
all of tomorrow's podcast will be devoted to the state
of the Union coverage. And I have a new one
(20:55):
that I have not read you before from the annals
of Thurber. From my life and hard times the car
we had to push a delightful and meant to be
read a loud story Fridays with Thurber on Thursday. Next. First, Yes,
still more idiots to talk about. The daily roundup of
the miscrants, morons and Dunning Kruger effects specimens who constitute
(21:17):
two days host persons in the world, the brons, worse
Bill Hemmer who thinks he is a newscaster. Bill Hemmer
is on Fox. He's a propaganda whore, and he's also
one of the five dumbest people i've met in forty
eight years in media. I mean it's CNN. When we
(21:39):
worked there at the same time, the makeup artist used
to joke after he'd left the room that she was
surprised every day that he remembered where the CNN studio was.
How the other day he decided to take a rare
editorial stance he usually only takes about an hour's worth
of editorial stances every day, to blast MSNBC and CNN
(22:02):
for having cut away from Trump's victory speed after his
wins in the primaries. Over like, it's a guy's name,
Ronda something and Ryan Binkley, one of our competitors, took
four minutes another ten Hammer said that's what you're gonna do.
Take news out of your name. First of all, he
(22:25):
means MSNBC, which does not have the word news in
its name. The end stands for national if it stands
for anything. And CNN, which years ago changed its name
from Cable News Network to just CNN, So yeah, what
does CNN stand for? CNN stands for nothing. Secondly, dude,
one of our competitors, you're a whorehouse for Trump and
(22:49):
for fascism. The competitors for Fox News were Goebbels TV
and Radio Adazioni Italiana in the nineteen thirties. Lastly, as
Media Matters points out, on February twenty third and then
February twenty ninth, Fox, at the direction of anchor and
Vice president Neil Cavudo, cut away from Trump's ill douche
(23:13):
victory speeches. So, Billy, if you really mean this, if
you really know what it means, go tell Neil Cavudo
to take the word news out of Fox News's name.
I mean, that would be an actual public service. Emmer
the runner up worser Politico and NBC and CBS and
(23:34):
everybody else who did a big feature yesterday on Jason Palmer.
Jason Palmer, the man who unexpectedly upset Joe Biden in
a Democratic primary. Now, Nikki Haley beat Donald Trump in
two primaries, and as a total, at least a third
(23:55):
of all Republicans voted against Trump in all the primaries
so far, and the media is treating that like no biggie,
as if one third of all Republicans not voting for
him in the general would not mean a Biden landslide,
maybe one sixth not voting for Trump would meet a
Biden landslide. But Jason Palmer was a big deal because
(24:16):
he gained the system and he did zoom calls from
his home in Maryland to the voters who were participating
in the primary in American Samoa, and Jason Palmer won
the American Samoa primary. He won the three delegates, and
(24:36):
there are effing features on him at Politico and The
New York Times and the Associated Press and Forbes. A
Google News search produces sixty eight thousand, seven hundred stories
about Jason Freakin Palmer. He won by fifty one to
thirty nine not fifty one percent to thirty nine percent.
(24:59):
Jason Palmer got fifty one votes and sixty eight thousands,
seven hundred stories about it. I have always said this,
I truly believe it. My success in political news and commentary,
starting with my fourth month in the business in the
Year of Our Lord nineteen hundred and ninety eight owed
(25:21):
principally to how much everybody else in this business sucks.
Fifty one votes, but our winner the worst. Elon Musk.
It's hard to say what's wrong with Elon Musk, but
there's always the chance it's going to leave him without
the ability to speak, or type or communicate in any way.
(25:45):
A delusional right wing conspiracy theory not named Rugg with
two g's posted a fabricated story about secret flights of
three hundred thousand foreign nationals being brought into the United States,
personally by Joe Biden, who of course can't do anything
and is dysfunctional, but he can bring in three hundred
thousand people and nobody would know about it, and mister
(26:06):
Rugg with two g's called it treathlin. Now, even if
it actually happened, which it didn't, and it wasn't just
part of mister Rugg's delusional campaign to bluntly undermine the
United States of America and help places like Russia, that
wouldn't be treason. In treason, you're acting on behalf of
a foreign state. But of course Elon, who is high
(26:31):
on ketamen or mushrooms or brain damage per actual news reporting,
retweeted that thing from mister Rugg with two g's with treason. Indeed,
ushering in vast numbers of illegals is why Mayarkus was impeached.
They are importing voters, now, I know it's just the
(26:52):
LSD talking. Non residents can't vote. They don't vote, and
every election all those caught voting improperly turn out to
be Republicans, not people who were born in other countries
and maybe don't actually have the right or the documents
to be here, maybe like Elon Musk from Pretoria, South Africa.
(27:14):
But wait, there's more. Musk has just met with Trump.
Of course, Trump is desperate for campaign money, or as
he refers to it, paying the lawyers. Happily, Musk has
cleared that up quote just to be super clear, I'm
not donating money to either kindidate for US president. Notice
he did not say whether he was donating to any
(27:36):
of their super packs, because you know Musk every once
in a while. Wise the good news, though, Elon Musk
is apparently impotent politically. He told voters in Austin, Texas,
including his employees in Texas, to vote against the incumbent
Travis County District Attorney, the Democrat Jose Garza, in the
(28:00):
primary there because Musk said he must have read it
from somebody named Ru with three g's said Garza does
not prosecute crimes, and actor Elon Musk endorsed his opponent.
Garza just eked out a win by sixty seven percent
to thirty three Elon Musk who threw around his weight
(28:21):
only to find out oops too much ozempic two days Worse,
pr Sudden in the World a Partime Live. She was
(28:48):
the number one story on the countdown, And since it
is Friday, it is Friday's with Thurber. Some years ago
I did an audiobook of Thurber stories, with the proceeds
going to the Thurber Literary Estate, on the idea that
the more people heard Thurber, the better. And one of
the great compliments, one of the greatest compliments I have
ever received, was that when the thing was published, it
(29:10):
did not say Thurber Audios collection or whatever read by me.
It said performed by me. I guess that's because they
did a lot of different voices, or because we included
in it one particular story that really does kind of
need a cast of a few different people for one
(29:34):
sub scene in the middle of it. I think you
will recognize it when we get there. The story is
from his epic tale of his youth, somewhat exaggerated My
life in hard Times, The Car We had to Push
by James Thurber. Many autobiographers, among them Lincoln Stephen's and
(29:55):
Gertrude Atherton describe earthquakes their families have been in. I
am unable to do this because my family was never
in an earthquake, but we went through a number of
things in Columbus that were a great deal like earthquakes.
I remember, in particular some of the repercussions of an
old Rio we had that would not go unless you
(30:20):
pushed it for quite a way and suddenly let your
clutch out. The brand does not sound familiar. A Rio
was an early automobile. Once we had been able to
start the engine easily by cranking it, but we had
had the car for so many years that finally it
wouldn't go unless you pushed it and let your clutch out.
(30:42):
Of course, it took more than one person to do this,
took sometimes as many as five or six, depending on
the grade of the roadway and conditions underfoot. The car
was unusual and that the clutch and brake were on
the same pedal, making it quite easy to stall the
engine after it got started, so that the car would
have to be pushed again. My father used to get
(31:04):
at his stomach pushing the car, and very often was
unable to go to work. He had never liked the machine,
even when it was good. Sharing my ignorance and suspicion
of all automobiles of that time and longer ago. The
boys I went to school we used to be able
to identify every car as it passed by Thomas Flyer, Firestone, Columbus, Stevens, Dryer, Rambler, Winton,
(31:32):
White Steamer, etc. I never could. The only car I
was really interested in was one that the get Ready Man,
as we called him, rode around town in a big
red devil with a door in the back. The get
Ready Man was a lank, unkept, elderly gentleman with wild
(31:56):
eyes and a deep voice who used to go about
shouting at people through a megaphone to prepare for the
end of the world. Get Ready, get Ready, he would bellow,
the world is coming to an end. His startling exhortations
(32:20):
would come up like summer thunder, at the most unexpected
time and in the most surprising places. I remember once,
during Mantell's production of King Lear at the Colonial Theater,
that the get Ready Man added his bawlings to the
squealing of Edgar and the ranting of the King, and
the mouthing of the fool rising from somewhere in the
(32:41):
balcony to join in. The theater was in absolute darkness,
and there were rumblings of thunder and flashes of lightning
off stage. Neither Father nor I, who were there, ever
completely got over the scene, which went something like this,
Edgar Tom's a cold. O de o do de do
(33:02):
de bless thee from whir Owind's star blasting and talking.
The foul fiend vexes thunder off stage. What have his
daughters brought him to this pass? Get Ready, get ready?
Edgar Pillocock sat on Pillocock Hill. Hello, Hello, Lou Lou.
(33:25):
Lightning flashes. The world is coming to an end. This
cold night will turn us all to fools and madmen.
Take here, the foul fiend, obey thy, get ready, Tom's
a cold. The well is coming to an end. They
(33:50):
found him finally and dejected him, still shouting. The theater
in our time has known few such moments. But to
get back to the automobile, one of my happiest memories
of it was when, in its eighth year, my brother
Roy got together a great many articles from the kitchen,
(34:11):
placed them in a square of canvas, and swung this
under the car with a string attached to it, so
that at a twitch, the canvas would give way and
the steel and tin things would clatter to the street.
This was a little scheme of Roy's to frighten father,
who had always expected the car might explode. It worked perfectly.
(34:34):
That was twenty five years ago, but it is one
of the few things in my life I would like
to live over again if I could. I don't suppose
that I can now. Roy twitched the string in the
middle of a lovely afternoon on Brydon Road, near Eighteenth Street.
Father had closed his eyes and, with his hat off,
was enjoying a cool breeze. The clatter on the asphalt
(34:56):
was tremendously effective. Knives, forks, can openers, pie pans, pot lids,
biscuit cutters, ladles, egg beaters fell beautifully together in a
lingering clement. Crash. Stop. The car, shouted, Father, I can't,
Roy said, The engine fell out. God Almighty, said Father,
(35:18):
who knew what that meant, or knew what it sounded
as if it might mean. It ended unhappily, of course,
because we finally had to drive back and pick up
the stuff. And even Father knew the difference between the
works of an automobile and the equipment of a pantry.
My mother wouldn't have known, however, nor her mother. My mother,
(35:40):
for instance, thought, or rather knew, that it was dangerous
to drive an automobile without gasoline. It it fried the
valves or something. Now, don't you dare drive all over
town with that gasoline, she would say to us when
we started it off. Gasoline, oil, and water were much
the same to her, a fact that made her life
(36:01):
both confusing and perilous. Her greatest dread, however, was the Victrola.
We had a very early one back in the Come
Josephine in my flying machine days. She had an idea
that the Victrola might blow up. It alarmed her, rather
than reassured her. To explain that the phonograph was run
neither by gasoline nor by electricity. She could only suppose
(36:25):
that it was propelled by some new fangled and untested
apparatus which was likely to let go at any minute,
making us all the victims and martyrs of the wild
Eyed Edison's dangerous experiments. The telephone she was comparatively at
peace with, except of course, during storms, when for some
(36:45):
reason or other she always took the receiver off the
hook and let it hang. She came naturally by her
confused and groundless fears for her own. Mother lived the
latter years of her life in the horrible suspicion that
electricity was dripping invisibly all over the house. She contended
(37:06):
out of empty sockets. If the wall switch had been
left on, she would go around screwing in bulbs, and
if they lighted up, she would hastily and fearfully turn
off the wall switch and go back to her Piersons
or Everybody's magazine, happy and the satisfaction that she had
stopped not only a costly but a dangerous leakage. Nothing
(37:29):
could ever clear this up for her. Our poor old
rio came to a horrible end. Finally, we had parked
it too far from the curb on a street with
a trolley car line. It was late at night and
the street was dark. The first street car that came
along couldn't get by. It picked up the tired old
(37:53):
automobile as a terrier might seize a rabbit, and drubbed
it unmercifully, losing its hold now and then, but catching
a new grip a second later. Tires booped and whoosh,
the fenders coeled and graped. The steering wheel rose up
like a specter, and disappeared in the direction of Franklin
(38:14):
Avenue with a melancholy whistling sound. Bolts and gadgets flew
like sparks from a Catherine wheel. It was a splendid spectacle,
but of course saddening to everybody except the motorman of
the street car, who was sore. I think some of
us broke down and wept. It must have been the
(38:35):
weeping that caused grandfather to take on so terribly. Time
was all mixed up in his mind. Automobiles and the
like he never remembered having seen. He apparently gathered from
the talk and the excitement and the weeping that somebody
had died. Nor did he let go of this delusion.
He insisted, in fact, after almost a week in which
(38:57):
we strove mightily to divert him, that it was a
sin and a shame and a disgrace to the family
to put the funeral off any longer. Nobody is dead.
The automobile is smashed, shouted my father, trying for the
thirtieth time to explain the situation to the old man.
(39:19):
Why was he drunk? Demanded grandfather sternly was who drunk,
asked father, Zenus said, grandfather, he had a name for
the corpse. Now it was his brother's Zenus, who, as
it happened, was dead, but not from driving an automobile
while intoxicated. Zenus had died in eighteen sixty six, the sensitive,
(39:44):
rather poetical boy of twenty one. When the Civil War
broke out, Zenis had gone to South America, just as
he wrote, back until it blows over. Returning after the
war had blown over, he caught the same disease that
was killing off the chestnut trees in those years, and
passed away. It was the only case in history where
a tree doctor had to be called in to spray
(40:06):
a person, and our family had felt it very keenly.
Nobody else in the United States caught the blight. Some
of us had looked upon Zenus's fate as a kind
of poetic justice. Now that grandfather knew, so to speak,
who was dead, it became increasingly awkward to go on
living in the same house with him, as if nothing
(40:28):
had happened. He would go into towering rages in which
he threatened to write to the Board of Health unless
the funeral were held at once, we realized that something
had to be done. Eventually, we persuaded a friend of
father's named George Martin to dress up in the manner
and costume of the eighteen sixties and pretend to be
Uncle Zenus in order to set Grandfather's mind at rest.
(40:52):
The impostor looked fine and impressive, inside burns and a
high beaver hat, and not unlike the dagera types of
Zenus in our album I Shall Never Forget The night
just after dinner, when this Zenus walked into the living room,
Grandfather was stomping up and down, tall, hawk nosed round oathed.
(41:13):
The newcomer held out both hands. Clem, he cried to Grandfather.
Grandfather turned slowly, looked at the intruder and snorted, Hurrey you,
he demanded in his deep, resonant voice. I'm Zenis, cried Martin,
your brother Zenus. Fit is a fiddle and sound is
(41:35):
a dollar. Zenus my foot said Grandfather. Zenus died in
a chestnut light in sixty six. Grandfather was given to
these sudden, unexpected, and extremely lucid moments. They were generally
more embarrassing than his other moments. He comprehended before he
(41:56):
went to bed that night that the old automobile had
been destroyed, and that its destruction had caused all the
turmoil in the house. It flew all the pieces, my
mother told him, in graphically describing the accident, I new
toward growled, grandfather. I always told you to get a
pop Toledo the car we had to push by James
(42:22):
Thurber get run. I've done all the damage I can
do here. Thank you for listening. Countdown. Musical directors Brian
(42:45):
Ray and John Phillip Schanelle arranged, produced, and performed most
of our music. Mister Ray was on guitars, bass and drums,
and mister Chanelle handled orchestration and keyboards, and it was
produced by Tko Brothers. Other music, including some of the
Beethoven compositions, were arranged and performed by the group No
Horns Allowed. The sports music is the Olderman the from
ESPN two, written by Mitch Warren Davis courtesy of ESPN Inc.
(43:09):
Our satirical and pithy musical comments are by Nancy Faust,
the best baseball stadium organists ever. Our announcer today was
my friend Dennis Leary, and everything else was pretty much
my fault. So that's countdown for this two hundred and
forty fourth day before the twenty twenty four presidential election,
but fifty six days since dementia j Trump's first attempted
(43:30):
coup against the democratically elected government of the United States.
Use the Fourteenth Amendment and the not regularly given elector
objection option the Supreme Court has given us. Use the
Insurrection Act, use the justice system, use the mental health
system to stop him from doing it again while we
(43:51):
still can. The next scheduled countdown is Check's Notes tonight
Don't forget our live special on YouTube and Twitch after
the State of the Union to night. I warm Up
Act starts at about nine Eastern. That'd be the President.
We will be on at about ten a usual podcast
(44:11):
with probably a little unusual content. On Friday Bulletins is
the news warrants till then. I'm Keith Olderman. Good Morning,
good afternoon, good night, and good luck. Countdown with Keith
(44:35):
Oldreman is a production of iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio,
visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get
your podcasts.
Countdown with Keith Olderman is a production of iHeartRadio. What
the President should say in the State of the Union
Address tonight is to declare, simply and directly that of
(00:28):
all the threats to the United States of America, the
greatest of these is Donald John Trump. And thus tonight
I am declaring the Biden doctrine. And in summation, my
fellow Americans, the Biden doctrine is this, we must save
our country from madness, and save our country from vengeance
(00:51):
and from hate, and from racism and from dictatorship. And
to save our country from these evils, we must metaphorically
kick the ever loving shit out of Donald Trump. Instead.
What I think they are dreaming of at the White
House is this house. Sergeant at Arms William McFarlane says,
(01:15):
mister speaker, the President of the United States. And all
President Biden has to do then is cartwheel down the
aisle while stopping to take selfies and finish Erubik's Cube
in under thirty seconds, and then deliver the State of
the Union while on a unicycle and while singing all
(01:36):
four verses of the Star Spangled Banner while simultaneously whistling
it through his ear lobes, and then this nonsense will
be at an end forever and the election can be
decided on what actually matters. Sadly, that wouldn't be enough. Honestly,
(01:57):
that wouldn't do it, because Fox News would edit that,
and Kristen Welker would say he only allegedly rode the
unicycle for fifty eight minutes, and Maureen Dowd would complain
he was singing out of key, and some special interest
group on the left whose compatriots Trump wants to imprison
(02:17):
or deport or kill would complain Biden didn't whistle somebody
else's anthem. I get the desire on the Biden White
House team, and the Biden policy team, and the Biden
Comms team, and especially the Biden campaign team for a
home run that will reset this nonsense. And perhaps there
(02:40):
is a home run to be hit if you look
at it in narrow focus, as in what he could
do by reassuring those marginally invested likely voters that he
didn't take a nap during the State of the Union.
But everything I have heard them say, even what they
put out on social media last night, about stating what
(03:02):
he's done, what he's going to do, and hitting infrastructure
and abolishing junk fees and fewer guns and fewer tax
breaks for the wealthy, and protecting women's rights to choose
and lowering student debt and drug prices and healthcare and
the leak to Politico about taking Trump's vendetta against Obamacare
and shoving it down his throat every day until the election.
It's all great, it's all true, it's all real, it's
(03:24):
all important. But it's designed for a major event in
the life of the nation called the State of the Union,
a major event that doesn't exist anymore. Fifty three million
people watched the first one of these I ever anchored.
Fifty three million people watched Bill Clinton's tension filled post
(03:48):
Lewinski State of the Union in nineteen ninety eight. Fifty
three million people was twenty percent of the population two
months before he pointlessly invaded Iraq, just sixteen months after
nine to eleven. Sixty two million watched George W. Bush
in two thousand and three, even as then Vice President
Biden sat behind President Obama. In two thousand and nine,
(04:10):
it was fifty two million, and even in twenty twenty two,
Biden's first official State of the Union, it was thirty
eight million, and last year it was twenty seven million,
and three quarters of them were fifty five years or older.
And good luck finding the streaming number. How many people
watched it online? The number that they never bothered to announce,
(04:34):
And what if it was twenty four million, which it wasn't,
combine that with the TV audience, it would still be
less than Obama in two thousand and nine, in a
country that is now ten percent larger. We don't do
speeches anymore. We don't listen to them anyway. The premise
is is brevity and reality and informality and viral moments
(04:58):
and anything but a speech. And even if you're good
at it, sometimes great at it, as Obama was. Even
his dience declined every year, and I get it every year.
We have twice as many ways to spend that one
winter hour. But we don't do speech listening anymore, which
(05:22):
puts the president in a no win because if he
did what the times really demand that he should do,
cut it to twenty minutes plus some multimedia and a
red carpet outside and halftime and a band and seth
Meyers and ice cream and lasers. This would guarantee that
the same dim witted media that reports the TV audience
(05:43):
but never even bothers to try to find the streaming
number would come back and say it couldn't even give
a real State of the Union. I mean, what was
up with those lasers? Though Taylor's swift at halftime that
was genius. Maybe we should put her on the ticket.
So tonight Joe Biden must run through this antique gauntlet
(06:04):
in which he us prove that he is vibrant and
clear and sharp and of the moment and with it
and entirely of the twenty first century by giving a
speech the idea of which isn't vibrant or clear or sharp,
or of the moment, or with it, or of the
twenty first century. Prove to us you can be president
(06:25):
through the year twenty twenty nine by doing something that
began to go out of dat in in nineteen eighty nine.
I mean, what are we expecting here? FDR introduced the
Four Freedoms in the State of the Union in nineteen
forty one. The Monroe doctrine was first presented in the
(06:47):
State of the Union Lyndon Johnson's War on Poverty and
forget for a moment the falsity of it. Bush gave
us the axis of evil in the State of the Union.
If President Biden has something like that, run with it.
Give me the axis of price gougers, give me the
four new freedoms. Go meta, do the Nancy Pelosi, tear
(07:13):
up your own speech and win it. The problem ultimately
is this, Joe Biden can give the greatest State of
the Union of all time, and the right wing will
still say he stumbled through it, and the supposedly neutral
news industry will still look for the stupidest shiny object
(07:34):
they can find and ignore the substance. And somebody, somebody
is at this moment already on the way to a
TV studio somewhere to do that body language analysis crap
on how Joe Biden looked, And even then failure or success,
(07:55):
good grades from the body language lady or bad ones,
it won't really matter, because this isn't eighteen twenty three
or nineteen four forty one or even nineteen ninety eight.
One of the sharper guys at five point thirty eight,
named Nathaniel Raikisch matched the States of the Union addresses
(08:16):
and the state of the approval ratings of the presidents
who gave them, and since nineteen seventy eight, over the
last forty six of these, the average impact on presidential approval,
the average value of a good state of the Union
to a president, or the average punishment for a bad
state of the Union, has been just under two percent.
(08:41):
The most Joe Biden can realistically hope for is his
approval number goes up one point nine percent tomorrow or
it drops less than one point nine percent. Obama went
up two point six percent after a good one in
twenty twelve. That's the only time in twenty years that
anybody's approval went up more than two point one percent,
(09:04):
the only time since nineteen seventy eight these things have
actually mattered. Yes, it was the Bill Clinton speech, literally
ten days after the Lewinsky scandal was launched by the Republicans.
Clinton came out firing and confident and just pissed off enough,
and his approval the next day went up ten points.
(09:30):
I mean, if you want that, President Biden, I do
have it for you. You want to convert what is
seen inside the White House as the last chance for
a total reset. You want the home run, the game changer.
If you really do think this is your last chance
(09:50):
to fundamentally reset the race. Then gimme the Biden doctrine.
The Biden doctrine has to be about the greatest threat
facing this nation. What is the greatest threat to this nation?
It's Trump. It's Trump cult, It's Trump's madness, It's Trump's racism,
It's Trump's desire to be a dictator. It's Trump's next coup.
(10:11):
Do it. If they ever build statues to President Joseph
Robinette Biden Junior, it will be for saving this nation
from Donald Trump twice. There is no reason to back
away from this, the easiest to understand presidential accomplishment in decades.
(10:37):
There is no reason to hide from what even President
Biden says is the reason he is running again to
stop Trump and save representative government in the United States
of America. Pound the son of a bitch into the
ground like you did at Independence Hall in September of
twenty two. You're worried it's too political to be the
(11:01):
State of the Union. Do you think the reaction to
the State of the Union is not political? Do you
think that half witted Republican James Comer trotting out the
corrupt Special counsel Robert Hurr to testify about your age
and your memory next Monday. You think that isn't political.
You think Congressman Joe Wilson yelling you lie at Obama
(11:25):
during his September speech to Congress in nine wasn't political.
You think Marjorie Taylor Green wearing a cheap horseshoes stole
that looked like they had awarded it to her for
finishing third in the Kentucky Derby yelling liar at you
last year. You think that wasn't political? Shoot the works.
(11:46):
Make some reference to Green showing those pictures of your son,
and your approval rating will jump five points just for that.
It's not like the Republicans do anything but politics. It's
not like they will not do politics in the response,
no matter what you say or do or how well
you do it. And most importantly, it's not like Trump
(12:07):
is not the biggest threat to America. Good evening, my
fellow Americans. The state of the Union is pretty good,
getting better, accept reaches under lectern Accept for this guy
spits into picture of Trump's face. We will prosper, we
(12:32):
will prevail, we will grow, we will solve the Middle
East and guarantee Ukraine and the women's right to choose
and lower drug prices, and we will complete our pursuit
of happiness. But first we must stop reaches into pocket
for a lighter sets picture of Trump a blaze. We
(12:55):
must stop this guy. And when I say stop, my
fellow Americans, I mean metaphorically, we must kick the ever
loving shit out of Donald Trump. Thank you, God, bless you, God,
bless our troops, God bless America. And please stay tuned
(13:15):
for Keith Alderman's State of the Union postgame show live
on YouTube and Twitch. Leave out the plug and just
steal somebody else's State of the Union that seems applicable
to the current day. The dogmas of the client past
are inadequate to the stormy present. The occasion is piled
(13:38):
high with difficulty, and we must rise with the occasion.
As our case is new, so we must think a
new and act anew. We must disenthrall ourselves, and then
we shall save our country from Trump. Fellow citizens, we
cannot escape history. We of this Congress and this administration
(14:01):
will be remembered in spite of ourselves. Significance or insignificance.
Can spare one or another of us. The fiery trial
through which we pass will light us down in honor
or dishonor to the latest generation. We say we are
for the Union. The world will not forget that we
(14:24):
say this. We know how to save the Union. The
world knows we do know how to save it. We
shall nobly save or meanly lose the last best hope
of Earth. And then Joe Biden does the cartwheels off
(14:46):
the stage and up the aisle, and he just accidentally
kicks Marge Green in the head on the way out,
and the Republican response would then just be Alabama's bubble
headed Senator Katie Britt sitting there with her mouth hanging
open for about eight minutes. His approval ratings would jump
to fifty four. Use the one I wrote, use the
run abe Lincoln wrote, doesn't matter. This will not happen. Sadly,
(15:12):
but he has got to give one of those speeches,
probably both of those speeches, sometime and soon. He's got
to offer this country a choice, Joe Biden or the
bottomless pit. He's got to read that pulling. I mentioned
(15:34):
yesterday that of the swing voters in the Swing States,
only thirty one percent have heard all of the vile
anti American atrocities coming out of Trump's mouth about concentration
camps and dictatorships and vermin and Trump and his rapidly
forming SS are handing Joe Biden new material every day.
(15:59):
Every day. The State of the Union address could be
made up entirely of reactions to things Republican said yesterday.
Last night, this bizarre speaker of the House, this strange
man who seems to come from the proverbial town full
(16:20):
of secrets, Mike Johnson, he boasted about defunding the police.
We're going to cut three percent from DOJ, seven percent
from the ATF, six percent from the FBI. Nancy Mace
then followed up with a crack about how suddenly Joe
Biden thinks defending the police is a bad thing, and
(16:41):
of course she was too stupid to realize that she
had just confirmed it. She and her party and Trump
therefore must think defunding the police is a good thing.
Put that in the State in the Union. And Ran
Paul said yesterday we have to talk about cutting Social
Security and Medicare and all the other entitlements. Put that
in the State of the Union. Mention this wig and
(17:03):
I'll give you a fifty bucks. And then the Ava
Braun of Upstate New York, Eleast Stefanic handed the campaign
another ad or you another five minutes. In the State
of the Union, As.
Speaker 2 (17:19):
Ronald Reagan famously asked us, are you better off today
than you were four years ago? The answer, for hard
working Americans across the country is a resounding no.
Speaker 1 (17:31):
Let's see she said this yesterday, March six. So four
years ago is March six, twenty twenty. And what was
happening on March six, twenty twenty, Well, that was the
day Trump would not let the first American COVID victims
off the Grand Princess Cruise ship because I like the
coronavirus numbers being where they are. I don't need to
(17:52):
have the numbers double because of one ship. And four
years ago, at this time, Trump was telling Bob Woodward
in a recorded phone call that COVID was actually deadly
and it was transmitted not surface to surface but by air,
and that he was lying to the American public about it.
And then Trump's lies and policies and cronies and suggestions
(18:14):
that we eat light bulbs and drink bleach. Those things
have combined to kill one million, two hundred and seventeen
thousand Americans four years ago today, well, it's true the
ones he killed, that was a better day than it
is now. Put that in the State of the Union,
mister President, because when we use the phrase life or
(18:36):
death about keeping Trump out of power, it is not
a metaphor, mister President, it is reality. Because Donald Trump
is death, and my fellow Americans, Joe Biden should conclude.
The Biden doctrine is this, we must save our country,
(18:57):
and to save our country, we must metaphorically kick the
ever loving shit out of Donald Trump. Whatever. I will
be live on YouTube and Twitch a live video Countdown
(19:17):
podcast right after the State of the Union President starts
at about nine. I expect to start about ten. If
he gives the Biden doctrine speech, we will only be
live for about two minutes because about two minutes of
me gut laughing and dancing around our custom built studio
at iHeart Headquarters is about all anybody could take right now.
(19:41):
Also of interest, here in an all new edition of Countdown,
the bad news about Elon Musk. He's got something going
with Trump's campaign, and he's trying to keep it a secret.
The good news is he just campaigned against the district
attorney in Austin, Texas in the primary there and the
district attorney in Austin, Texas one three to one. That's next.
(20:05):
This is Countdown. This is Countdown with Keith Olberman still
(20:32):
ahead of us on this all new edition of Countdown
Fridays with Thurber. Wait, I hear you saying it's not Friday,
is it? No, it is not Friday. Congratulations, but virtually
all of tomorrow's podcast will be devoted to the state
of the Union coverage. And I have a new one
(20:55):
that I have not read you before from the annals
of Thurber. From my life and hard times the car
we had to push a delightful and meant to be
read a loud story Fridays with Thurber on Thursday. Next. First, Yes,
still more idiots to talk about. The daily roundup of
the miscrants, morons and Dunning Kruger effects specimens who constitute
(21:17):
two days host persons in the world, the brons, worse
Bill Hemmer who thinks he is a newscaster. Bill Hemmer
is on Fox. He's a propaganda whore, and he's also
one of the five dumbest people i've met in forty
eight years in media. I mean it's CNN. When we
(21:39):
worked there at the same time, the makeup artist used
to joke after he'd left the room that she was
surprised every day that he remembered where the CNN studio was.
How the other day he decided to take a rare
editorial stance he usually only takes about an hour's worth
of editorial stances every day, to blast MSNBC and CNN
(22:02):
for having cut away from Trump's victory speed after his
wins in the primaries. Over like, it's a guy's name,
Ronda something and Ryan Binkley, one of our competitors, took
four minutes another ten Hammer said that's what you're gonna do.
Take news out of your name. First of all, he
(22:25):
means MSNBC, which does not have the word news in
its name. The end stands for national if it stands
for anything. And CNN, which years ago changed its name
from Cable News Network to just CNN, So yeah, what
does CNN stand for? CNN stands for nothing. Secondly, dude,
one of our competitors, you're a whorehouse for Trump and
(22:49):
for fascism. The competitors for Fox News were Goebbels TV
and Radio Adazioni Italiana in the nineteen thirties. Lastly, as
Media Matters points out, on February twenty third and then
February twenty ninth, Fox, at the direction of anchor and
Vice president Neil Cavudo, cut away from Trump's ill douche
(23:13):
victory speeches. So, Billy, if you really mean this, if
you really know what it means, go tell Neil Cavudo
to take the word news out of Fox News's name.
I mean, that would be an actual public service. Emmer
the runner up worser Politico and NBC and CBS and
(23:34):
everybody else who did a big feature yesterday on Jason Palmer.
Jason Palmer, the man who unexpectedly upset Joe Biden in
a Democratic primary. Now, Nikki Haley beat Donald Trump in
two primaries, and as a total, at least a third
(23:55):
of all Republicans voted against Trump in all the primaries
so far, and the media is treating that like no biggie,
as if one third of all Republicans not voting for
him in the general would not mean a Biden landslide,
maybe one sixth not voting for Trump would meet a
Biden landslide. But Jason Palmer was a big deal because
(24:16):
he gained the system and he did zoom calls from
his home in Maryland to the voters who were participating
in the primary in American Samoa, and Jason Palmer won
the American Samoa primary. He won the three delegates, and
(24:36):
there are effing features on him at Politico and The
New York Times and the Associated Press and Forbes. A
Google News search produces sixty eight thousand, seven hundred stories
about Jason Freakin Palmer. He won by fifty one to
thirty nine not fifty one percent to thirty nine percent.
(24:59):
Jason Palmer got fifty one votes and sixty eight thousands,
seven hundred stories about it. I have always said this,
I truly believe it. My success in political news and commentary,
starting with my fourth month in the business in the
Year of Our Lord nineteen hundred and ninety eight owed
(25:21):
principally to how much everybody else in this business sucks.
Fifty one votes, but our winner the worst. Elon Musk.
It's hard to say what's wrong with Elon Musk, but
there's always the chance it's going to leave him without
the ability to speak, or type or communicate in any way.
(25:45):
A delusional right wing conspiracy theory not named Rugg with
two g's posted a fabricated story about secret flights of
three hundred thousand foreign nationals being brought into the United States,
personally by Joe Biden, who of course can't do anything
and is dysfunctional, but he can bring in three hundred
thousand people and nobody would know about it, and mister
(26:06):
Rugg with two g's called it treathlin. Now, even if
it actually happened, which it didn't, and it wasn't just
part of mister Rugg's delusional campaign to bluntly undermine the
United States of America and help places like Russia, that
wouldn't be treason. In treason, you're acting on behalf of
a foreign state. But of course Elon, who is high
(26:31):
on ketamen or mushrooms or brain damage per actual news reporting,
retweeted that thing from mister Rugg with two g's with treason. Indeed,
ushering in vast numbers of illegals is why Mayarkus was impeached.
They are importing voters, now, I know it's just the
(26:52):
LSD talking. Non residents can't vote. They don't vote, and
every election all those caught voting improperly turn out to
be Republicans, not people who were born in other countries
and maybe don't actually have the right or the documents
to be here, maybe like Elon Musk from Pretoria, South Africa.
(27:14):
But wait, there's more. Musk has just met with Trump.
Of course, Trump is desperate for campaign money, or as
he refers to it, paying the lawyers. Happily, Musk has
cleared that up quote just to be super clear, I'm
not donating money to either kindidate for US president. Notice
he did not say whether he was donating to any
(27:36):
of their super packs, because you know Musk every once
in a while. Wise the good news, though, Elon Musk
is apparently impotent politically. He told voters in Austin, Texas,
including his employees in Texas, to vote against the incumbent
Travis County District Attorney, the Democrat Jose Garza, in the
(28:00):
primary there because Musk said he must have read it
from somebody named Ru with three g's said Garza does
not prosecute crimes, and actor Elon Musk endorsed his opponent.
Garza just eked out a win by sixty seven percent
to thirty three Elon Musk who threw around his weight
(28:21):
only to find out oops too much ozempic two days Worse,
pr Sudden in the World a Partime Live. She was
(28:48):
the number one story on the countdown, And since it
is Friday, it is Friday's with Thurber. Some years ago
I did an audiobook of Thurber stories, with the proceeds
going to the Thurber Literary Estate, on the idea that
the more people heard Thurber, the better. And one of
the great compliments, one of the greatest compliments I have
ever received, was that when the thing was published, it
(29:10):
did not say Thurber Audios collection or whatever read by me.
It said performed by me. I guess that's because they
did a lot of different voices, or because we included
in it one particular story that really does kind of
need a cast of a few different people for one
(29:34):
sub scene in the middle of it. I think you
will recognize it when we get there. The story is
from his epic tale of his youth, somewhat exaggerated My
life in hard Times, The Car We had to Push
by James Thurber. Many autobiographers, among them Lincoln Stephen's and
(29:55):
Gertrude Atherton describe earthquakes their families have been in. I
am unable to do this because my family was never
in an earthquake, but we went through a number of
things in Columbus that were a great deal like earthquakes.
I remember, in particular some of the repercussions of an
old Rio we had that would not go unless you
(30:20):
pushed it for quite a way and suddenly let your
clutch out. The brand does not sound familiar. A Rio
was an early automobile. Once we had been able to
start the engine easily by cranking it, but we had
had the car for so many years that finally it
wouldn't go unless you pushed it and let your clutch out.
(30:42):
Of course, it took more than one person to do this,
took sometimes as many as five or six, depending on
the grade of the roadway and conditions underfoot. The car
was unusual and that the clutch and brake were on
the same pedal, making it quite easy to stall the
engine after it got started, so that the car would
have to be pushed again. My father used to get
(31:04):
at his stomach pushing the car, and very often was
unable to go to work. He had never liked the machine,
even when it was good. Sharing my ignorance and suspicion
of all automobiles of that time and longer ago. The
boys I went to school we used to be able
to identify every car as it passed by Thomas Flyer, Firestone, Columbus, Stevens, Dryer, Rambler, Winton,
(31:32):
White Steamer, etc. I never could. The only car I
was really interested in was one that the get Ready Man,
as we called him, rode around town in a big
red devil with a door in the back. The get
Ready Man was a lank, unkept, elderly gentleman with wild
(31:56):
eyes and a deep voice who used to go about
shouting at people through a megaphone to prepare for the
end of the world. Get Ready, get Ready, he would bellow,
the world is coming to an end. His startling exhortations
(32:20):
would come up like summer thunder, at the most unexpected
time and in the most surprising places. I remember once,
during Mantell's production of King Lear at the Colonial Theater,
that the get Ready Man added his bawlings to the
squealing of Edgar and the ranting of the King, and
the mouthing of the fool rising from somewhere in the
(32:41):
balcony to join in. The theater was in absolute darkness,
and there were rumblings of thunder and flashes of lightning
off stage. Neither Father nor I, who were there, ever
completely got over the scene, which went something like this,
Edgar Tom's a cold. O de o do de do
(33:02):
de bless thee from whir Owind's star blasting and talking.
The foul fiend vexes thunder off stage. What have his
daughters brought him to this pass? Get Ready, get ready?
Edgar Pillocock sat on Pillocock Hill. Hello, Hello, Lou Lou.
(33:25):
Lightning flashes. The world is coming to an end. This
cold night will turn us all to fools and madmen.
Take here, the foul fiend, obey thy, get ready, Tom's
a cold. The well is coming to an end. They
(33:50):
found him finally and dejected him, still shouting. The theater
in our time has known few such moments. But to
get back to the automobile, one of my happiest memories
of it was when, in its eighth year, my brother
Roy got together a great many articles from the kitchen,
(34:11):
placed them in a square of canvas, and swung this
under the car with a string attached to it, so
that at a twitch, the canvas would give way and
the steel and tin things would clatter to the street.
This was a little scheme of Roy's to frighten father,
who had always expected the car might explode. It worked perfectly.
(34:34):
That was twenty five years ago, but it is one
of the few things in my life I would like
to live over again if I could. I don't suppose
that I can now. Roy twitched the string in the
middle of a lovely afternoon on Brydon Road, near Eighteenth Street.
Father had closed his eyes and, with his hat off,
was enjoying a cool breeze. The clatter on the asphalt
(34:56):
was tremendously effective. Knives, forks, can openers, pie pans, pot lids,
biscuit cutters, ladles, egg beaters fell beautifully together in a
lingering clement. Crash. Stop. The car, shouted, Father, I can't,
Roy said, The engine fell out. God Almighty, said Father,
(35:18):
who knew what that meant, or knew what it sounded
as if it might mean. It ended unhappily, of course,
because we finally had to drive back and pick up
the stuff. And even Father knew the difference between the
works of an automobile and the equipment of a pantry.
My mother wouldn't have known, however, nor her mother. My mother,
(35:40):
for instance, thought, or rather knew, that it was dangerous
to drive an automobile without gasoline. It it fried the
valves or something. Now, don't you dare drive all over
town with that gasoline, she would say to us when
we started it off. Gasoline, oil, and water were much
the same to her, a fact that made her life
(36:01):
both confusing and perilous. Her greatest dread, however, was the Victrola.
We had a very early one back in the Come
Josephine in my flying machine days. She had an idea
that the Victrola might blow up. It alarmed her, rather
than reassured her. To explain that the phonograph was run
neither by gasoline nor by electricity. She could only suppose
(36:25):
that it was propelled by some new fangled and untested
apparatus which was likely to let go at any minute,
making us all the victims and martyrs of the wild
Eyed Edison's dangerous experiments. The telephone she was comparatively at
peace with, except of course, during storms, when for some
(36:45):
reason or other she always took the receiver off the
hook and let it hang. She came naturally by her
confused and groundless fears for her own. Mother lived the
latter years of her life in the horrible suspicion that
electricity was dripping invisibly all over the house. She contended
(37:06):
out of empty sockets. If the wall switch had been
left on, she would go around screwing in bulbs, and
if they lighted up, she would hastily and fearfully turn
off the wall switch and go back to her Piersons
or Everybody's magazine, happy and the satisfaction that she had
stopped not only a costly but a dangerous leakage. Nothing
(37:29):
could ever clear this up for her. Our poor old
rio came to a horrible end. Finally, we had parked
it too far from the curb on a street with
a trolley car line. It was late at night and
the street was dark. The first street car that came
along couldn't get by. It picked up the tired old
(37:53):
automobile as a terrier might seize a rabbit, and drubbed
it unmercifully, losing its hold now and then, but catching
a new grip a second later. Tires booped and whoosh,
the fenders coeled and graped. The steering wheel rose up
like a specter, and disappeared in the direction of Franklin
(38:14):
Avenue with a melancholy whistling sound. Bolts and gadgets flew
like sparks from a Catherine wheel. It was a splendid spectacle,
but of course saddening to everybody except the motorman of
the street car, who was sore. I think some of
us broke down and wept. It must have been the
(38:35):
weeping that caused grandfather to take on so terribly. Time
was all mixed up in his mind. Automobiles and the
like he never remembered having seen. He apparently gathered from
the talk and the excitement and the weeping that somebody
had died. Nor did he let go of this delusion.
He insisted, in fact, after almost a week in which
(38:57):
we strove mightily to divert him, that it was a
sin and a shame and a disgrace to the family
to put the funeral off any longer. Nobody is dead.
The automobile is smashed, shouted my father, trying for the
thirtieth time to explain the situation to the old man.
(39:19):
Why was he drunk? Demanded grandfather sternly was who drunk,
asked father, Zenus said, grandfather, he had a name for
the corpse. Now it was his brother's Zenus, who, as
it happened, was dead, but not from driving an automobile
while intoxicated. Zenus had died in eighteen sixty six, the sensitive,
(39:44):
rather poetical boy of twenty one. When the Civil War
broke out, Zenis had gone to South America, just as
he wrote, back until it blows over. Returning after the
war had blown over, he caught the same disease that
was killing off the chestnut trees in those years, and
passed away. It was the only case in history where
a tree doctor had to be called in to spray
(40:06):
a person, and our family had felt it very keenly.
Nobody else in the United States caught the blight. Some
of us had looked upon Zenus's fate as a kind
of poetic justice. Now that grandfather knew, so to speak,
who was dead, it became increasingly awkward to go on
living in the same house with him, as if nothing
(40:28):
had happened. He would go into towering rages in which
he threatened to write to the Board of Health unless
the funeral were held at once, we realized that something
had to be done. Eventually, we persuaded a friend of
father's named George Martin to dress up in the manner
and costume of the eighteen sixties and pretend to be
Uncle Zenus in order to set Grandfather's mind at rest.
(40:52):
The impostor looked fine and impressive, inside burns and a
high beaver hat, and not unlike the dagera types of
Zenus in our album I Shall Never Forget The night
just after dinner, when this Zenus walked into the living room,
Grandfather was stomping up and down, tall, hawk nosed round oathed.
(41:13):
The newcomer held out both hands. Clem, he cried to Grandfather.
Grandfather turned slowly, looked at the intruder and snorted, Hurrey you,
he demanded in his deep, resonant voice. I'm Zenis, cried Martin,
your brother Zenus. Fit is a fiddle and sound is
(41:35):
a dollar. Zenus my foot said Grandfather. Zenus died in
a chestnut light in sixty six. Grandfather was given to
these sudden, unexpected, and extremely lucid moments. They were generally
more embarrassing than his other moments. He comprehended before he
(41:56):
went to bed that night that the old automobile had
been destroyed, and that its destruction had caused all the
turmoil in the house. It flew all the pieces, my
mother told him, in graphically describing the accident, I new
toward growled, grandfather. I always told you to get a
pop Toledo the car we had to push by James
(42:22):
Thurber get run. I've done all the damage I can
do here. Thank you for listening. Countdown. Musical directors Brian
(42:45):
Ray and John Phillip Schanelle arranged, produced, and performed most
of our music. Mister Ray was on guitars, bass and drums,
and mister Chanelle handled orchestration and keyboards, and it was
produced by Tko Brothers. Other music, including some of the
Beethoven compositions, were arranged and performed by the group No
Horns Allowed. The sports music is the Olderman the from
ESPN two, written by Mitch Warren Davis courtesy of ESPN Inc.
(43:09):
Our satirical and pithy musical comments are by Nancy Faust,
the best baseball stadium organists ever. Our announcer today was
my friend Dennis Leary, and everything else was pretty much
my fault. So that's countdown for this two hundred and
forty fourth day before the twenty twenty four presidential election,
but fifty six days since dementia j Trump's first attempted
(43:30):
coup against the democratically elected government of the United States.
Use the Fourteenth Amendment and the not regularly given elector
objection option the Supreme Court has given us. Use the
Insurrection Act, use the justice system, use the mental health
system to stop him from doing it again while we
(43:51):
still can. The next scheduled countdown is Check's Notes tonight
Don't forget our live special on YouTube and Twitch after
the State of the Union to night. I warm Up
Act starts at about nine Eastern. That'd be the President.
We will be on at about ten a usual podcast
(44:11):
with probably a little unusual content. On Friday Bulletins is
the news warrants till then. I'm Keith Olderman. Good Morning,
good afternoon, good night, and good luck. Countdown with Keith
(44:35):
Oldreman is a production of iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio,
visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get
your podcasts.
Host
Keith Olbermann
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