January 20, 2023 • 42 mins
EPISODE 116: COUNTDOWN WITH KEITH OLBERMANN
A-Block (1:45) Alina Habba! C'mon Down! You're the next contestant on YOU TRUSTED TRUMP! His lawyer sanctioned $937,989.39 for being stupid enough to file Trump's stunt-suit against Hillary Clinton. Just part of a day in which it sure sounded as if Trump has gotten a role of stamps and mailed it in for 2024, low lighted by what could be the new somnambulant campaign slogan: "TRUMP 2024! SO IT GOES." (7:45) Trump invokes the Supreme Court leak, leaving me to wonder: if there was a crime, why wasn't the FBI or the cops investigating it and not...the Court itself? (9:06) The first lie George Santos addresses is the Drag Queen story and his big flex is "I don't kill dogs"? And he manages non-denial denials on both (12:04) And there are three new January 6th Defendants, all Marines in Military Intelligence and that magic phrase offers happy memories of George Carlin.
B-Block (17:00) EVERY DOG HAS ITS DAY: Uptown, in New York (18:12) IN SPORTS: Time for Tony Dungy's annual humiliation of NBC Sports, and the Philadelphia Flyers double down on the Pride Night disaster that threatens to turn the NHL into the "National Homophobia League" (23:05) THE WORST PERSONS IN THE WORLD: The New York Times competes with two different state governors - one Democrat, one Republican.
C-Block (28:13) FRIDAYS WITH THURBER: Of spies, schemes, string beans, and falling asleep mid-fantasy: "The Lady on 142."
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
Countdown with Keith Olderman is a production of I Heart
Radio Lynda Haba, Come on down, You're the next contestant
on You Trusted Trump, Trump's lawyer and spokesmodel, the one
(00:27):
who couldn't tell the difference between Judge Ryan Hart and actor.
Judge rein Hold and her law firm were sanctioned nine
hundred and thirty seven thousand, nine hundred and eighty nine
dollars and thirty nine cents by a federal judge in
Florida last night for being the ones stupid enough to
file for Donald Trump a frivolous rico lawsuit against Hillary
(00:50):
Clinton in what was obviously a political stunt. Judge Donald M.
Middlebrooks rights quote, this case should never have been brought.
Its inadequacy as a legal claim was evident from the start.
No reasonable lawyer would have filed it inten did for
a political purpose. None of the counts of the amended
complaint stated a cognizible legal claim. Oh, Elena Habba, you lose,
(01:15):
like everybody who comes in contact with Trump, he abuses
the law. But you pay the nine hundred thirty seven thousand,
nine hundred and eighty nine dollars and thirty nine cents.
Thanks for playing you, trusted Trump, have a nice day.
(01:40):
I have fallen for it before, and so have you,
So I am not going to tell you that Trump
jumped a shark last night. He may now rail against
Judge Middlebrooks. He may even defend Alena Habba, since the
judge said the sanction was against Habba and Trump. He
might even promise to pay half of it, and then
instead sent her a commemorative Donald Trump Commemorative Presidential pure
(02:01):
gold trillion dollar commemorative coin suitable for framing. Note. Coin
is not gold, but made out of compressed bird feces.
Color of lead paint sprayed on gold. Coin is gold.
But it didn't happen to him, so one way or
the other he'll just skate past it. However, Trump did
seem to hit some kind of wall on social media yesterday.
(02:22):
Quote the fake news says, I am not campaigning very hard.
I say they are stupid. Oh stupid. You left out
poopy pants. I say they are stupid and poopy pants
do not fear many giant rallies and other events coming
up soon, and then invoking the instruction for his mob
(02:44):
to come to Washington for the rally and co attempt
of January six. It will all be wild and exciting.
But the point of the post was for Trump to
have to deny he was guilty of being boring. For
nearly eight years, we have looked for the antidote to Trump,
the emergency exit, and he just confessed as to what
(03:06):
it is. He's gotten his role of stamps and begun
to mail it in the fake news, says I am
not campaigning very hard. He is clearly terrified of being
perceived as boring. He confirmed that in a later diet
tribe directed against the use of the term big lie,
and included another threat, and then he seemed to take
(03:29):
a nap in the middle of his post. First, here's
the threat. He claimed, it's quote harder and harder to
use the term big lie anymore. It actually angers people
to do very bad things. And notice here Trump has
mistaken the word anger for the word inspire or maybe
cause inspire or cause them to do very bad things.
(03:50):
He's claiming if we all keep saying big lie, his
scum will get violent, quoting again the radical left should
be careful and its use of that ridiculous term. Then
a sentence in which he misspells stolen and then anticlimax
petering out quote. The unselect Committee of political hacks and
(04:12):
thugs refused to discuss it, and so it goes. So
it goes. Nine most popular phrase for denoting a shrug
of indifference or acceptance, and emoji in three words that'll
inspire the cult. So it goes, Beulah, do you see
(04:34):
my president? He's inspired action America. Let's make new hats Trump.
So it goes. And if the boring doesn't get Trump,
it's possible the sloppy will. The Supreme Court has just
announced it is not able to find out who the
leaker was on the Roe v. Wade scandal. He also wrote,
(04:57):
they'll never find out, and it's important that they do.
So go to the reporter and ask him, slash her
who it was. If not given the answer, put whoever
in jail until the answer is given, you might add
the publisher and editor to the list. Now, from Trump
World's perspective, that sounds all very nice and above board.
(05:17):
He suggested this before about reporters, but he's also always
been very specific. Nothing is general as just referring to
leakers and put whoever in jail. What Trump has managed
to do here is to propose simply looking at a
crime involving government documents or information, finding their recipient, and
(05:38):
jailing them without indictment, trial or conviction, which you could
then also do, say in the case of nuclear and
other top secret documents stolen and found it, say Mari
Lago with their recipient. For Trump's logic, the next person
you could go to and ask him her who it was,
(05:59):
and put whoever in jail until the answer is given.
The next person you could jail without indictment, trial or
conviction is Donald Trump. Trump from jail, so it goes.
What's particularly interesting in this new Trumpian legal or extra
legal theory just jail suspects and witnesses like Trump, is
(06:23):
that the case he's referring to had its own extra
legal twist. Last week, The Wall Street Journal reported that
the Supreme Court Martial's report had narrowed it down to
a small number of suspects, including several law clerks, but
had yet to figure out which one did the leak.
There was a leak about the investigation of the leak. Yesterday,
(06:45):
as you know, the Marshal's report was issued, concluding, evidently
for good that we'll just never know, which is too
bad because it was probably a crime, which leads to
the next question which was nearly universally overlooked in the coverage, namely,
if there was a crime, how come the Supreme Court
got to investigate it. If there's a crime, well, why
(07:08):
wasn't the turned over to the FBI or at least
the local U. S. Attorney or even the d C
Attorney General? Or how about this? If the Supreme Court
did investigate the Supreme Court and couldn't figure out who
committed this likely crime and leaked about it, maybe then
have the FBI or the U. S. Attorney investigate, unless
(07:30):
you didn't really want to publicly identify the leaker, because
publicly identifying the leaker in the Supreme Court might cause that,
I don't know, or force a Supreme Court justice to resign.
Maybe I'll confess. I spent part of yesterday waiting to
hear that Congressman George Santos had claimed that he had
(07:52):
leaked it, which reminds me contible drag that I seen
sixties of the number one hit from the Buckinghams recently
(08:14):
covered by Congressmen George Santos. Thank you again, Nancy faust.
We must give Santos credit for doing the seemingly impossible.
Each day he achieves the proverbial new high in low
for the first time. Yesterday he responded to one of
the what is it three hundred credible claims out there
(08:35):
that he's lied about something or altered or omitted something
from his own life, and the one he picked to
respond to first quote, the most recent obsession from the
media claiming that I am a drag queen or quote
performed as a drag queen is categorically false. Now you'll
notice that in there there is nothing denying that that
(08:58):
is him on the videotape from the two thousand eight
Brazilian Drag Queen Festival, nor denying that that is him
in the tooth was in an eight photo next to
Yulo Rochard, or anything denying that he used the name
Katara Ravash. He denies he is a drag queen is
as incurrently, and he denies he quote performed as in
(09:22):
performed past, tense competed in the past and if that
were not the definition of threading the needle. Two hours
later came the next tweet, the second response, George is
a little behind on his scandals about the story of
poor Sapphire the dog. The reports that I would let
a dog die is shocking and insane. Once again, there's
(09:45):
no claim of innocence here, just some misdirection the definition
of a non denial denial. Yeah, those reports are shocking
and insane, George, as are you. And nowhere does he
say he didn't do it. And talk about shocking and insane.
Two sentences later came an insanely Freudian slip. Over the
(10:07):
past twenty four hours, I have received pictures of dogs
I helped Reduce throughout the years. Santos later deleted that
tweet and replaced it with one in which Reduce becomes rescue.
For this last month, the month of George Santos, I
have wondered what my late friend and inspiration, another George,
(10:31):
George Carlin, would have made of him. Probably not much,
to be honest, George probably would not have been surprised,
but I invoked him and there he appeared. In one
final story. We learned yesterday that three active service Marines
working in intelligence were among those who stormed the capital
during the coup attempt. They were identified from a social
(10:54):
media post made by one of them. They were arrested Wednesday.
It was revealed yesterday in an Instagram chat. One of them,
Micah Kumer, told another participant quote, everything in this country
is corrupt. We honestly need a fresh restart. I'm waiting
for the boogaloo. What the other person asked, is a buggaloo?
(11:17):
Kumer answered? Civil War two? Uh, civil war to electric boogaloo.
This marine Kumar was not just in intelligence. He was
a systems engineer in marine intelligence and reconnaissance systems. And
(11:38):
I know I'll sleep better in my bed tonight knowing
that such heroes are protecting us here in America. Of course,
I'll only sleep for about eight minutes. But still, and yes,
the arrests prove once again that besides what little George
Carlin did not see and a sail in his lifetime,
everything else he saw coming after he ditched the suit
(12:02):
and tie and the CBS Summer Placement TV series. One
of George's first true insurrectionist observations was the term jumbo shrimp.
Has always amazed me. What is a jumbo shrimp? I mean,
it's like military intelligence. Of course, Grout show Marks seems
(12:36):
to have brought up the oxy moron military intelligence a
little bit before George did, and so did Senator Sam
Irvine of Watergate Committee fame. But in and there was
a British World War One general who was apparently the
first to use it, and also doctor who Stella had
that Pride Night disaster. In the National Hockey League, the
(12:59):
team has doubled down to defend the guy who hid
behind his homophobic pro putin religion. Rare bipartisanship from the
Worst Person's Committee, a Republican governor and a Democratic governor
make it this time and Fridays with Thurber of spies
and string beans and falling asleep on the train the
(13:20):
lady on one four two, that's next. This is Countdown.
This is Countdown with Keith old Woman and still ahead
on Countdown. When sports outfits do not address controversies caused
(13:41):
by religious bigots in their employ this is what happens.
And BC Sports has another Tony Dungee controversy, and the
NHL has another day of itself created. No hockey isn't
for everyone, after all, is it? Controversy? First? In each
edition of Countdown, we feature a dog in need you
can help. Every dog has its day the New York
(14:03):
City Pound is Jay and yet again Uptown a pity
arrived there just Wednesday, yet they are already ready to
kill him as soon as tomorrow. This is the excuse.
His humans dumped in there to die because they were
moving new place. They say no pets allowed. So Uptown,
thanks for four years of love and friendship. You're dead
(14:24):
at age four. He's terrified and alone and nobody's expecting
him to be adopted and going a nice walk this
afternoon with the kids. But he lived without incident with
a family for four years. He's clearly not untrainable. What
we need is pledges to defray the costs of a
rescue outfit taking him and retraining him and finding him
a home, which will be a lot easier if he's
(14:44):
not dead. You're living in terror that the humans around
him are about to kill him. You can find Uptown
on my Twitter feed. Pledge if you can retweet. If
you can't, I thank you, and Uptown thanks you. This
(15:11):
is Sports Center. Wait, check that not anymore. This is
Countdown with Keith Alberan in Sports. It had been a
while since NBC Sports, another one of my alma maters,
had its work overshadowed by a Tony Dungee controversy. Then
Wednesday Morning, the Football Night in America, analyst and former
(15:34):
Indianapolis Colts head coach tweeted, some school districts are putting
litter boxes in the school bathrooms for students who identify
as cats. Very important to address every student's needs. I
worked with Dungee at NBC, and while he tended to
leave his very bizarre beliefs outside the studio, he was
uniformly condescending and holier than now and outside of football topics,
(15:59):
just not bright. The litter box story, of course, has
been debunked. Do those people who needed it debunked? Those
people with i q s under seventy five? Joe Rogan,
Lauren Bobert, Tony Dungee who believed it. It's origins also
are tragic. In the Colorado school district in which Columbine
(16:19):
is located, they do keep cat litter in some classrooms
there for the kids in case the kids are stuck
in the classrooms during another mass shooting. Tony Dungee has
now deleted his tweet. Now it is time for NBC,
which has seen Dungee slam a gay football player as
a quote distraction, railed against same sex parenting, and mocked
(16:43):
people who suggested that if there is a god, maybe
it's a woman. It's time for NBC to delete Tony
Dungee's contract, because, as NBC Sports already knows, and the
National Hockey League may be about to find out, if
you let a controversy fest year, it will soon take
over your entire reputation. In many eyes, NBC's Football Night
(17:04):
in America KA is Tony Dungee's bigotry, and then some games,
the NHL may soon become its Disaster of Philadelphia Pride
Night and nothing else, and may earn that title the
National Hypocrisy League. The Philadelphia coach John Tortorella yesterday doubled
down on his defense of a player who hid behind
(17:25):
his violent, homophobic religion as an excuse for refusing to
join his teammates in a pregame skate wearing uniforms that
bore no reference to Pride Night, no reference to gay people,
no reference to tolerance, nor anything different than the usual
uniform except that the letters of their names and numerals
of their uniform numbers were in rainbow rather than in white.
(17:50):
The player's name is Ivan Probarov, and he said his religion,
Russian Orthodox, was why he refused to wear the uniform
for ten minutes. That he respects everyone's choice and this
was his choice. Pro Vy did nothing wrong, said the
coach Tortorella yesterday, his second day defending him. Just because
you don't agree with his decision doesn't mean he did
(18:11):
anything wrong. Proby is not out there banging a drum
against Pride Night. I respect the organization how they handled
themselves here, because they went about their business and I
thought it was a great night Pride Night. Unfortunately, the
religion that Provof used as his excuse for this is
in fact banging a drum, and specifically against Pride Night.
(18:33):
Its leaders have openly and recently encouraged Russia's attack on
Ukraine and specifically cited as an excuse for it the
fact that Ukraine has Pride parades. Russian Orthodox is a
homophobic religion. It is utterly politic, it is utterly dedicated
to maintaining the Russian dictatorship of Vladimir Putin, and it
(18:56):
is utterly dedicated to bombing Ukrainian civilians in their homes
because they do things like Pride night, which Ivan pro
are Off refused to participate in for religious reasons. This
seems open and shut. The shut part should be coached
John Tortorella's big mouth. He either does not know about
(19:18):
Provo's religion's choice on the subject of killing people who
support the l g b t Q community and invading
their country, or he doesn't care about it and the
NHL had better step in. Or It's Philadelphia franchise, which
has not been competitive for oh forty seven seasons, will
become known for this and only this, and the National
(19:39):
Hypocrisy League will have earned itself an even rougher new
name for that acronym, the National Homophobia League. Coming up
(20:02):
Fridays with Ferber's Suspense, Mystery Spies and what Happens when
You Fall Asleep on a Train Lady on one for two. First,
the daily roundup of the miscreants, morons and Dunning Krueger
effects specimens who constitute today's most persons in the world,
(20:22):
le Bronze our latest New York Governor, Kathy Hokel. What
do you do when you barely win election as a
Democrat in a heavily democratic state. You stick with the
Democrats who voted you in and try to bring back
the ones who sensed you were a disloyal fraud. Not
if you're Kathy Hokel. The state needs a new chief
(20:44):
Judge of the Court of Appeals, so naturally, the governor
chose Hector LaSalle, who has carefully built himself a reputation
as anti union and anti abortion. A state Senate committee
had to approve Lassal's nomination before it moved to a
vote by the full New York State Senate. It did
not approve it. It voted ten to nine against LaSalle.
(21:06):
The nine yes votes were from Republicans that tend no
votes were from Democrats. The Democrats are in charge in
New York State. So what did the governor, a Democrat, do,
when the members of her own party were emphatically telling
her she had screwed up. Nominate somebody else, a liberal moderate. No,
she says she may go to court to sue the
(21:30):
Senate to bypass the Senate committee and force a vote
by the full Senate on her judge. This guy LaSalle
prediction Governor Hokel will not finish her term. She's not
being bipartisan, she's being ignorant. Runner up Florida Governor Ron
de Santis his state director of Education, who is not
(21:52):
the religious nut you saw Viraly who told Floridians to
fight COVID not with vaccines but by asking. The director
of Education has told high schools to not all for
advanced placement courses in African American studies because the course
is not quote historically accurate and adds it is not
(22:14):
really educational and adds teaching it violates state's law. Now
why would he do that? Because the Santis is a
white supremacist and a fascist. You want a second opinion.
He also doesn't own one suit that actually fits him.
But the winner The New York Times once again it's
as if the editors think there's a both sides is
(22:37):
um and what about is um shortage and they have
an exclusive stash of both. A reminder that about a
quarter of all American debt was accrued under Trump's Republican presidency.
Yet now the Republicans want to renege on all American
debt and you know, crash the world economy by not
(22:57):
raising the debt ceiling. And Democrats are you know, trying
to stop that, stop a world depression, stop a stock
market from crashing. Well, how did the Times treat this
seemingly stark contrast quote breaking news? The paper tweeted on
its main account, the US has hit its debt limit,
(23:20):
raising economic fears and setting the stage for months of
entrenched partisan warfare. The New York Times all the what
about is m that's fit to print? Two days? Worst
person's enough, Let's get a second opinion on this. What
(23:49):
in this Ohio diner to the number one story on
the countdown? And it is Friday's with Thurber? And thus
the number one story in the countdown is Friday's with
James Thurber. Many of the great writers great stories, the
short stories, the fables have great meaning where symbolism, and
(24:12):
some of them are just great fun. Let me give
you one of the latter from the Thurber Carnival. It
will explain itself fairly quickly. The Lady on One for
two by James Thurber. The train was twenty minutes late,
we found out when we bought our tickets. So we
sat down on a bench in the little waiting room
(24:34):
of the Cornwall Bridge station. It was too hot outside
in the sun. This Midsummer Saturday had got off to
a sulky start. And now at three in the afternoon,
it's sacked, sticky and restive. In our laps. There were
several others besides Sylvia and myself, waiting for the train
(24:54):
to get in from Pittsfield. An older woman who fanned
herself with a daily news, a young lady in her
twenties reading a book. Slender tanned man sucking dreamily on
the stem of an unlighted pipe. In the center of
the room, leaning against a high iron radiator. A small
girl stared at each of us in turn, her mouth
(25:16):
open as if she had never seen people before. The
place had the familiar pleasant smell of railroad stations in
the country, something compounded of wood and leather and smoke.
In the cramped space behind the ticket window, a telegraph
instrument clicked intermittently, and once or twice a phone rang,
(25:37):
and the station master answered it briefly. I couldn't hear
what he said. I was glad on such a day
that we were going only as far as gay Lordsville,
the third stop down the line, twenty two minutes away.
The station master had told us that our tickets were
the first tickets to gay lords Bill he had ever sold.
I was idly pondering this small distinction. When a train
(25:59):
whistle blew in the distance. We all got to our feet,
but the station master came out of his cubby hole
and told us it was not our train, but the
twelve forty five from New York northbound. Presently, the train
thundered in like a hurricane and sighed ponderously to a stop.
The station master went out into the platform and came back.
After a minute or two, the train got heavily under
(26:21):
way again for Canaan. I was opening a pack of
cigarettes when I heard the station master talking on the
phone again. This time his words came out clearly. He
kept repeating one sentence. He was saying, Conductor Reagan on
one four two, has the lady the office was talking about.
(26:46):
The person on the other end of the line did
not appear to get the meaning of the sentence. The
station master repeated it and hung up. For some reason.
I figured that he did not understand it either. Sylvia's
eyes had the lost reflective look they wear when she's
trying to remember in what box she packed. The Christmas
tree ornaments. The expressions on the faces of the older woman,
(27:09):
the young lady, and the man with the pipe had
not changed. The little staring girl had gone away. Our
train was not due for another five minutes, and I
sat back and began trying to reconstruct the lady on
one four two the lady conductor Reagan had the lady
the office was asking about. I moved nearer to Sylvia
(27:32):
and whispered, see if the trains are numbered in your
time table. She got the timetable out of her handbag
and looked at it. One forty two, she said, is
the twelve forty five from New York. This was the
train that had gone by a few minutes before the
woman was taken sick, said Sylvia. They're probably arranging to
(27:54):
have a doctor or her family meet her. The older
woman looked around at her briefly. The young woman who
had been chewing gum stopped chewing. The man with the
pipe seemed oblivious. I lighted a cigarette and sat thinking.
The woman on one for two, I said to Sylvia
flatly might be almost anything, but she is definitely not sick.
(28:19):
The only person who did not stare at me was
the man with the pipe. Sylvia gave me her temperature,
taking look across between anxiety and vexation. Just then our
train whistled and we all stood up. I picked up
our two bags, and Sylvia took the sack of spring
beans we had picked up for the connals. When the
train came clanking in, I said in Sylvia's ear, he'll
(28:42):
sit near us. You watch who who will? She said,
the stranger? I told her, the man with the pipe.
Sylvia laughed, He's not a stranger, She said, he works
for the breeds. I was certainly that he did not
work for the breeds. Women like to place people. Every
(29:03):
stranger reminds of a somebody. The man with the pipe
was sitting three seats in front of us, across the aisle.
When we got settled, I indicated him with a nod
of my head. Sylvia took a book out of the
top of her overnight bag and opened it. What's the
matter with you, she demanded. I looked around before replying.
(29:25):
A sleepy man and woman sat across from us. Two
middle aged women in the seat in front of us
were discussing the severe griping pain one of them had
experienced as a result of inflamed diverticulitis. A slim, dark
eyed young woman sat in the seat behind us, she
was alone. The trouble with women, I began, is that
(29:49):
they explain everything by illness. I have a theory that
we could be celebrating the twelfth of May, or even
the sixteenth of April as Independence Day if Mrs Jefferson
hadn't got the idea. Her husband had a fever and
put him to bed. Sylvia found her place in the book.
We've been all through that before. She said, why couldn't
(30:11):
the woman on one forty two be sick? That was easy,
I told her. Conductor Reagan, I said, got off the
train at Cornwall Bridge and spoke to the station master.
I've got the woman the office was asking about, he said.
Sylvia cut in. He said, lady, I gave the little
(30:33):
laugh that annoys her. All conductors, say, lady, I explained, Now,
if a woman had got sick on the train, Reagan
would have said, a woman got sick on my train.
Tell the office. What must have happened is that Reagan
found somewhere between Kent and Cornwall Bridge a woman the
office had been looking for. Sylvia did not close her book,
(30:57):
but she looked up. Maybe she got sick before she
got on the train, and the office was worried, said Sylvia.
She was not giving the problem close attention. If the
office knew she got on the train, I said patiently,
they wouldn't have asked Reagan to let them know if
he found her. They would have told him about her
(31:21):
when she got on. Sylvia resumed her reading. Let's stay
out of it, she said, it isn't any of our business.
I hunted for my chicklets but couldn't find them. It
might be everybody's business, I said, every Patriots I know.
(31:42):
I know, said Sylvia. You think she's a spy, Well,
I think she's sick. I ignored that every conductor on
the line has been asked to look out for her.
I said, Reagan found her. She won't be met by
her family. She'll be met by the FBI or the
(32:04):
O p A, said Sylvia. Alfred Hitchcock. Things don't happen
on the New York, New Haven and Hartford Railroad. I
saw the conductor coming from the other end of the couch.
I'm going to tell a conductor, I said that Reagan
on one for two has got the woman. No you're not,
said Sylvia, You're not gonna get us and mixed up
in this He probably knows. Anyway, The conductor, short, stocky,
(32:29):
silver haired, and silent, took up our tickets. He looked
like a kindly Ikey's Sylvia, who had stiffened, relaxed when
I let him go by without a word about the
woman on one for two. He looks exactly as if
he knew where the Maltese falcon is hidden, doesn't, he
said Sylvia, with a laugh that annoys me. Nevertheless, I
(32:51):
pointed out you said a little while ago that he
probably knows about the woman on one four two. If
she's just sick, why should they tell the conductor on
this train. I'll rest more easily when I know that
they've actually got her. Sylvia kept reading as if she
hadn't heard me. I leaned my head against the back
(33:12):
of the seat and closed my eyes. The train was
slowing down noisily, and a brakeman was yelling can't, can't.
When I felt a small, cold pressure against my shoulder. Oh,
the voice of the woman in the seat behind me said,
I've dropped my copy of Coronet under your seat. She
(33:35):
leaned closer and her voice became low and hard. Get
off here, mr, she said, We're going to Gaylordsville. I said,
you and your wife are getting off here. Mr. She said.
I reached for the suitcases on the rack. Why do
you want for heaven's sake, asked Sylvia, we're getting off here?
(33:56):
I told her, Are you really crazy? She demanded? This
is only can't come on, sister, said the woman's voice.
You take the overnight bag and the beans, you take
the big bag. Mr. Sylvia was furious. I knew you'd
get us into this, She said to me, shouting about
spies at the top of your voice. That made me angry.
(34:20):
You're the one who mentioned spies. I told her I didn't.
He kept talking about it and talking about it, said Sylvia,
come on, get off. The two of you, said the cold,
hard voice. We got off. As I helped Sylvia down
the steps, I said, we know too much. I'll shut up.
She said. We didn't have far to go. The big
(34:43):
black limousine waited a few steps away. Behind the wheel
sat a heavy set foreigner with cruel lips and small eyes.
He scowled when he saw us. The boss don't want
nobody up there, he said, it's all right, Carl said
the woman get in. She told us. We climbed into
(35:03):
the back seat. She sat between us with the gun
in her hand. It was a handsome jeweled derringer. Alice,
will be waiting for us at gay lord's bell, said Sylvia.
In all this heat. The house was a long, low,
rambling building reached at the end of a poplar lined drive.
Never mind the bags, said the woman. Sylvia took the
(35:26):
string beans and her book and we got out. Two
huge matstiffs came bounding off the terrace, snarling. Down Mada,
said the woman. Down pedro. They slunk away, still snarling.
Sylvia and I sat side by side on a sofa
in a large, handsomely appointed living room. Across from us,
(35:48):
in a chair lounged a tall man with heavily lidded
black eyes and long sensitive fingers. Against the door through
which we had entered the room leaned a thin, undersized
young man with his hands in the pockets of his
coat and a cigarette hanging from his lower lip. He
had a draw on sallow face, and his small, half
closed eyes stared at us in curiously. In a corner
(36:11):
of the room, a squat swarthy man twiddled with the
dials of a radio. The woman paced up and down,
smoking a cigarette in a long holder. Well, Gail said
the lounging man, in a soft voice, to what do
we owe this unexpected visit? Gail kept pacing. They got Sandra,
(36:33):
she said. Finally, the lounging man did not change expression.
Who got Sandra, Gail? He asked softly. Reagan on one
for two, said Gail. The squat swarthy man jumped to
his feet. All the time, Egypt say, kiltis Reagan, he
shouted all the time, Egypt say, bomb off these Reagan.
(36:58):
The lounging man did not look at him. Sit down, Egypt,
he said quietly. The swarthy man sat down. Gail went
on talking. The punk here shot off his mouth. He said,
he was wise. I looked at the man leaning against
the door. She means you, said Sylvia, who laughed, Dame
(37:21):
was dumb. Gail went on. She thought the lady on
the train was sick. Now, I laughed, she means you,
I said to Sylvia. The punk was blowing his top
all over the train, said Gail. I had to bring
him along. Sylvia, who had the beans on her lap,
began breaking and stringing them. Well, my dear lady, said
(37:44):
the lounging man. A most homely little touch was a touch,
demanded Egypt, touch, I told him. Gail sat down in
a chair. Who's going to rub him out? She asked.
Fred Day said the lounging man, Egypt was on his
feet again. Nah nah, he shouted, not the punk, the
(38:07):
punk bomp off the last six seven people. The lounging
man looked at him. Egypt paled and sat down. I
thought you were the punk, said Sylvia. I looked at
her coldly. I know where I have seen you before,
I said to the lounging man. It was at Zagreb
(38:28):
in Tilden. Took you in straight sets six love six
love six love. The man's eyes glittered. I think I
bump off this man myself, he said. Freddy walked over
and handed the lounging man an automatic. At this moment,
(38:48):
the door Freddy had been leaning against burst open, and
in rushed the man with the pipe, shouting Gail, Gail,
Gail gaylords Vale, Gaylordsville bawled the brakeman. Sylvia was shaking
me by the arm. Quit mounting, she said, everybody's looking
(39:09):
at you. I rubbed my forehead with a handkerchief. Hurry up,
she said. Sylvia said, they don't stop here long, I
pulled the bags down and we got off. Have you
got the beans? I asked Sylvia. Alice Connell was waiting
for us on the way to their home. In the car,
Sylvia began to tell Alice about the woman on one
(39:31):
for two. I didn't say anything. He thought you as
a spy, said Sylvia. They both laughed. She'll probably got
sick on the train, said Alice. They're probably arranging for
a doctor to meet her at the station. That's just
what I told him, said Sylvia. I lighted a cigarette.
(39:53):
The lady on one for two, I said firmly, was
definitely not sick. Oh, lower, said Sylvia. Here we go again,
The Lady on one two by James Thurber. Countdown has
(40:29):
come to you from the studios of Alderman Broadcasting Empire
World Headquarters in the Sports Capsule Building here in New York.
Thank you for listening. Here are the credits. Most of
the music, including our theme from Beethoven's Ninth, was arraigned,
produced and performed by Brian Ray and John Philip Chanelle,
who are the Countdown musical directors. All orchestration and keyboards
(40:50):
by John Philip Chanelle. Guitars, bass, and drums by Brian
Ray produced by t k O Brothers. Other Beethoven selections
have been arranged and performed by the group No Horns Allowed.
The sports music is the Alderman theme from ESPN two,
and it was written by Mitch Warren Davis courtesy of
the ESPN Inc. Musical comments from Nancy Faust the best
(41:11):
baseball stadium organist ever and our announcer today was Jonathan
Banks from Breaking Bad. Everything else is pretty much my
fault except the Thurber. Let's countdown for this the seven
dred day since Donald Trump's first attempted coup against the
democratically elected government of the United States. Arrest him now
while we still can. The next scheduled countdown Monday till
(41:34):
then on Keith Olverman. Good Morning, good afternoon, goodnight, and
good luck. Countdown with Keith Olverman is a production of
(41:55):
I heart Radio. For more podcasts from i heart Radio,
visit the i heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever
you get your podcasts.
Countdown with Keith Olderman is a production of I Heart
Radio Lynda Haba, Come on down, You're the next contestant
on You Trusted Trump, Trump's lawyer and spokesmodel, the one
(00:27):
who couldn't tell the difference between Judge Ryan Hart and actor.
Judge rein Hold and her law firm were sanctioned nine
hundred and thirty seven thousand, nine hundred and eighty nine
dollars and thirty nine cents by a federal judge in
Florida last night for being the ones stupid enough to
file for Donald Trump a frivolous rico lawsuit against Hillary
(00:50):
Clinton in what was obviously a political stunt. Judge Donald M.
Middlebrooks rights quote, this case should never have been brought.
Its inadequacy as a legal claim was evident from the start.
No reasonable lawyer would have filed it inten did for
a political purpose. None of the counts of the amended
complaint stated a cognizible legal claim. Oh, Elena Habba, you lose,
(01:15):
like everybody who comes in contact with Trump, he abuses
the law. But you pay the nine hundred thirty seven thousand,
nine hundred and eighty nine dollars and thirty nine cents.
Thanks for playing you, trusted Trump, have a nice day.
(01:40):
I have fallen for it before, and so have you,
So I am not going to tell you that Trump
jumped a shark last night. He may now rail against
Judge Middlebrooks. He may even defend Alena Habba, since the
judge said the sanction was against Habba and Trump. He
might even promise to pay half of it, and then
instead sent her a commemorative Donald Trump Commemorative Presidential pure
(02:01):
gold trillion dollar commemorative coin suitable for framing. Note. Coin
is not gold, but made out of compressed bird feces.
Color of lead paint sprayed on gold. Coin is gold.
But it didn't happen to him, so one way or
the other he'll just skate past it. However, Trump did
seem to hit some kind of wall on social media yesterday.
(02:22):
Quote the fake news says, I am not campaigning very hard.
I say they are stupid. Oh stupid. You left out
poopy pants. I say they are stupid and poopy pants
do not fear many giant rallies and other events coming
up soon, and then invoking the instruction for his mob
(02:44):
to come to Washington for the rally and co attempt
of January six. It will all be wild and exciting.
But the point of the post was for Trump to
have to deny he was guilty of being boring. For
nearly eight years, we have looked for the antidote to Trump,
the emergency exit, and he just confessed as to what
(03:06):
it is. He's gotten his role of stamps and begun
to mail it in the fake news, says I am
not campaigning very hard. He is clearly terrified of being
perceived as boring. He confirmed that in a later diet
tribe directed against the use of the term big lie,
and included another threat, and then he seemed to take
(03:29):
a nap in the middle of his post. First, here's
the threat. He claimed, it's quote harder and harder to
use the term big lie anymore. It actually angers people
to do very bad things. And notice here Trump has
mistaken the word anger for the word inspire or maybe
cause inspire or cause them to do very bad things.
(03:50):
He's claiming if we all keep saying big lie, his
scum will get violent, quoting again the radical left should
be careful and its use of that ridiculous term. Then
a sentence in which he misspells stolen and then anticlimax
petering out quote. The unselect Committee of political hacks and
(04:12):
thugs refused to discuss it, and so it goes. So
it goes. Nine most popular phrase for denoting a shrug
of indifference or acceptance, and emoji in three words that'll
inspire the cult. So it goes, Beulah, do you see
(04:34):
my president? He's inspired action America. Let's make new hats Trump.
So it goes. And if the boring doesn't get Trump,
it's possible the sloppy will. The Supreme Court has just
announced it is not able to find out who the
leaker was on the Roe v. Wade scandal. He also wrote,
(04:57):
they'll never find out, and it's important that they do.
So go to the reporter and ask him, slash her
who it was. If not given the answer, put whoever
in jail until the answer is given, you might add
the publisher and editor to the list. Now, from Trump
World's perspective, that sounds all very nice and above board.
(05:17):
He suggested this before about reporters, but he's also always
been very specific. Nothing is general as just referring to
leakers and put whoever in jail. What Trump has managed
to do here is to propose simply looking at a
crime involving government documents or information, finding their recipient, and
(05:38):
jailing them without indictment, trial or conviction, which you could
then also do, say in the case of nuclear and
other top secret documents stolen and found it, say Mari
Lago with their recipient. For Trump's logic, the next person
you could go to and ask him her who it was,
(05:59):
and put whoever in jail until the answer is given.
The next person you could jail without indictment, trial or
conviction is Donald Trump. Trump from jail, so it goes.
What's particularly interesting in this new Trumpian legal or extra
legal theory just jail suspects and witnesses like Trump, is
(06:23):
that the case he's referring to had its own extra
legal twist. Last week, The Wall Street Journal reported that
the Supreme Court Martial's report had narrowed it down to
a small number of suspects, including several law clerks, but
had yet to figure out which one did the leak.
There was a leak about the investigation of the leak. Yesterday,
(06:45):
as you know, the Marshal's report was issued, concluding, evidently
for good that we'll just never know, which is too
bad because it was probably a crime, which leads to
the next question which was nearly universally overlooked in the coverage, namely,
if there was a crime, how come the Supreme Court
got to investigate it. If there's a crime, well, why
(07:08):
wasn't the turned over to the FBI or at least
the local U. S. Attorney or even the d C
Attorney General? Or how about this? If the Supreme Court
did investigate the Supreme Court and couldn't figure out who
committed this likely crime and leaked about it, maybe then
have the FBI or the U. S. Attorney investigate, unless
(07:30):
you didn't really want to publicly identify the leaker, because
publicly identifying the leaker in the Supreme Court might cause that,
I don't know, or force a Supreme Court justice to resign.
Maybe I'll confess. I spent part of yesterday waiting to
hear that Congressman George Santos had claimed that he had
(07:52):
leaked it, which reminds me contible drag that I seen
sixties of the number one hit from the Buckinghams recently
(08:14):
covered by Congressmen George Santos. Thank you again, Nancy faust.
We must give Santos credit for doing the seemingly impossible.
Each day he achieves the proverbial new high in low
for the first time. Yesterday he responded to one of
the what is it three hundred credible claims out there
(08:35):
that he's lied about something or altered or omitted something
from his own life, and the one he picked to
respond to first quote, the most recent obsession from the
media claiming that I am a drag queen or quote
performed as a drag queen is categorically false. Now you'll
notice that in there there is nothing denying that that
(08:58):
is him on the videotape from the two thousand eight
Brazilian Drag Queen Festival, nor denying that that is him
in the tooth was in an eight photo next to
Yulo Rochard, or anything denying that he used the name
Katara Ravash. He denies he is a drag queen is
as incurrently, and he denies he quote performed as in
(09:22):
performed past, tense competed in the past and if that
were not the definition of threading the needle. Two hours
later came the next tweet, the second response, George is
a little behind on his scandals about the story of
poor Sapphire the dog. The reports that I would let
a dog die is shocking and insane. Once again, there's
(09:45):
no claim of innocence here, just some misdirection the definition
of a non denial denial. Yeah, those reports are shocking
and insane, George, as are you. And nowhere does he
say he didn't do it. And talk about shocking and insane.
Two sentences later came an insanely Freudian slip. Over the
(10:07):
past twenty four hours, I have received pictures of dogs
I helped Reduce throughout the years. Santos later deleted that
tweet and replaced it with one in which Reduce becomes rescue.
For this last month, the month of George Santos, I
have wondered what my late friend and inspiration, another George,
(10:31):
George Carlin, would have made of him. Probably not much,
to be honest, George probably would not have been surprised,
but I invoked him and there he appeared. In one
final story. We learned yesterday that three active service Marines
working in intelligence were among those who stormed the capital
during the coup attempt. They were identified from a social
(10:54):
media post made by one of them. They were arrested Wednesday.
It was revealed yesterday in an Instagram chat. One of them,
Micah Kumer, told another participant quote, everything in this country
is corrupt. We honestly need a fresh restart. I'm waiting
for the boogaloo. What the other person asked, is a buggaloo?
(11:17):
Kumer answered? Civil War two? Uh, civil war to electric boogaloo.
This marine Kumar was not just in intelligence. He was
a systems engineer in marine intelligence and reconnaissance systems. And
(11:38):
I know I'll sleep better in my bed tonight knowing
that such heroes are protecting us here in America. Of course,
I'll only sleep for about eight minutes. But still, and yes,
the arrests prove once again that besides what little George
Carlin did not see and a sail in his lifetime,
everything else he saw coming after he ditched the suit
(12:02):
and tie and the CBS Summer Placement TV series. One
of George's first true insurrectionist observations was the term jumbo shrimp.
Has always amazed me. What is a jumbo shrimp? I mean,
it's like military intelligence. Of course, Grout show Marks seems
(12:36):
to have brought up the oxy moron military intelligence a
little bit before George did, and so did Senator Sam
Irvine of Watergate Committee fame. But in and there was
a British World War One general who was apparently the
first to use it, and also doctor who Stella had
that Pride Night disaster. In the National Hockey League, the
(12:59):
team has doubled down to defend the guy who hid
behind his homophobic pro putin religion. Rare bipartisanship from the
Worst Person's Committee, a Republican governor and a Democratic governor
make it this time and Fridays with Thurber of spies
and string beans and falling asleep on the train the
(13:20):
lady on one four two, that's next. This is Countdown.
This is Countdown with Keith old Woman and still ahead
on Countdown. When sports outfits do not address controversies caused
(13:41):
by religious bigots in their employ this is what happens.
And BC Sports has another Tony Dungee controversy, and the
NHL has another day of itself created. No hockey isn't
for everyone, after all, is it? Controversy? First? In each
edition of Countdown, we feature a dog in need you
can help. Every dog has its day the New York
(14:03):
City Pound is Jay and yet again Uptown a pity
arrived there just Wednesday, yet they are already ready to
kill him as soon as tomorrow. This is the excuse.
His humans dumped in there to die because they were
moving new place. They say no pets allowed. So Uptown,
thanks for four years of love and friendship. You're dead
(14:24):
at age four. He's terrified and alone and nobody's expecting
him to be adopted and going a nice walk this
afternoon with the kids. But he lived without incident with
a family for four years. He's clearly not untrainable. What
we need is pledges to defray the costs of a
rescue outfit taking him and retraining him and finding him
a home, which will be a lot easier if he's
(14:44):
not dead. You're living in terror that the humans around
him are about to kill him. You can find Uptown
on my Twitter feed. Pledge if you can retweet. If
you can't, I thank you, and Uptown thanks you. This
(15:11):
is Sports Center. Wait, check that not anymore. This is
Countdown with Keith Alberan in Sports. It had been a
while since NBC Sports, another one of my alma maters,
had its work overshadowed by a Tony Dungee controversy. Then
Wednesday Morning, the Football Night in America, analyst and former
(15:34):
Indianapolis Colts head coach tweeted, some school districts are putting
litter boxes in the school bathrooms for students who identify
as cats. Very important to address every student's needs. I
worked with Dungee at NBC, and while he tended to
leave his very bizarre beliefs outside the studio, he was
uniformly condescending and holier than now and outside of football topics,
(15:59):
just not bright. The litter box story, of course, has
been debunked. Do those people who needed it debunked? Those
people with i q s under seventy five? Joe Rogan,
Lauren Bobert, Tony Dungee who believed it. It's origins also
are tragic. In the Colorado school district in which Columbine
(16:19):
is located, they do keep cat litter in some classrooms
there for the kids in case the kids are stuck
in the classrooms during another mass shooting. Tony Dungee has
now deleted his tweet. Now it is time for NBC,
which has seen Dungee slam a gay football player as
a quote distraction, railed against same sex parenting, and mocked
(16:43):
people who suggested that if there is a god, maybe
it's a woman. It's time for NBC to delete Tony
Dungee's contract, because, as NBC Sports already knows, and the
National Hockey League may be about to find out, if
you let a controversy fest year, it will soon take
over your entire reputation. In many eyes, NBC's Football Night
(17:04):
in America KA is Tony Dungee's bigotry, and then some games,
the NHL may soon become its Disaster of Philadelphia Pride
Night and nothing else, and may earn that title the
National Hypocrisy League. The Philadelphia coach John Tortorella yesterday doubled
down on his defense of a player who hid behind
(17:25):
his violent, homophobic religion as an excuse for refusing to
join his teammates in a pregame skate wearing uniforms that
bore no reference to Pride Night, no reference to gay people,
no reference to tolerance, nor anything different than the usual
uniform except that the letters of their names and numerals
of their uniform numbers were in rainbow rather than in white.
(17:50):
The player's name is Ivan Probarov, and he said his religion,
Russian Orthodox, was why he refused to wear the uniform
for ten minutes. That he respects everyone's choice and this
was his choice. Pro Vy did nothing wrong, said the
coach Tortorella yesterday, his second day defending him. Just because
you don't agree with his decision doesn't mean he did
(18:11):
anything wrong. Proby is not out there banging a drum
against Pride Night. I respect the organization how they handled
themselves here, because they went about their business and I
thought it was a great night Pride Night. Unfortunately, the
religion that Provof used as his excuse for this is
in fact banging a drum, and specifically against Pride Night.
(18:33):
Its leaders have openly and recently encouraged Russia's attack on
Ukraine and specifically cited as an excuse for it the
fact that Ukraine has Pride parades. Russian Orthodox is a
homophobic religion. It is utterly politic, it is utterly dedicated
to maintaining the Russian dictatorship of Vladimir Putin, and it
(18:56):
is utterly dedicated to bombing Ukrainian civilians in their homes
because they do things like Pride night, which Ivan pro
are Off refused to participate in for religious reasons. This
seems open and shut. The shut part should be coached
John Tortorella's big mouth. He either does not know about
(19:18):
Provo's religion's choice on the subject of killing people who
support the l g b t Q community and invading
their country, or he doesn't care about it and the
NHL had better step in. Or It's Philadelphia franchise, which
has not been competitive for oh forty seven seasons, will
become known for this and only this, and the National
(19:39):
Hypocrisy League will have earned itself an even rougher new
name for that acronym, the National Homophobia League. Coming up
(20:02):
Fridays with Ferber's Suspense, Mystery Spies and what Happens when
You Fall Asleep on a Train Lady on one for two. First,
the daily roundup of the miscreants, morons and Dunning Krueger
effects specimens who constitute today's most persons in the world,
(20:22):
le Bronze our latest New York Governor, Kathy Hokel. What
do you do when you barely win election as a
Democrat in a heavily democratic state. You stick with the
Democrats who voted you in and try to bring back
the ones who sensed you were a disloyal fraud. Not
if you're Kathy Hokel. The state needs a new chief
(20:44):
Judge of the Court of Appeals, so naturally, the governor
chose Hector LaSalle, who has carefully built himself a reputation
as anti union and anti abortion. A state Senate committee
had to approve Lassal's nomination before it moved to a
vote by the full New York State Senate. It did
not approve it. It voted ten to nine against LaSalle.
(21:06):
The nine yes votes were from Republicans that tend no
votes were from Democrats. The Democrats are in charge in
New York State. So what did the governor, a Democrat, do,
when the members of her own party were emphatically telling
her she had screwed up. Nominate somebody else, a liberal moderate. No,
she says she may go to court to sue the
(21:30):
Senate to bypass the Senate committee and force a vote
by the full Senate on her judge. This guy LaSalle
prediction Governor Hokel will not finish her term. She's not
being bipartisan, she's being ignorant. Runner up Florida Governor Ron
de Santis his state director of Education, who is not
(21:52):
the religious nut you saw Viraly who told Floridians to
fight COVID not with vaccines but by asking. The director
of Education has told high schools to not all for
advanced placement courses in African American studies because the course
is not quote historically accurate and adds it is not
(22:14):
really educational and adds teaching it violates state's law. Now
why would he do that? Because the Santis is a
white supremacist and a fascist. You want a second opinion.
He also doesn't own one suit that actually fits him.
But the winner The New York Times once again it's
as if the editors think there's a both sides is
(22:37):
um and what about is um shortage and they have
an exclusive stash of both. A reminder that about a
quarter of all American debt was accrued under Trump's Republican presidency.
Yet now the Republicans want to renege on all American
debt and you know, crash the world economy by not
(22:57):
raising the debt ceiling. And Democrats are you know, trying
to stop that, stop a world depression, stop a stock
market from crashing. Well, how did the Times treat this
seemingly stark contrast quote breaking news? The paper tweeted on
its main account, the US has hit its debt limit,
(23:20):
raising economic fears and setting the stage for months of
entrenched partisan warfare. The New York Times all the what
about is m that's fit to print? Two days? Worst
person's enough, Let's get a second opinion on this. What
(23:49):
in this Ohio diner to the number one story on
the countdown? And it is Friday's with Thurber? And thus
the number one story in the countdown is Friday's with
James Thurber. Many of the great writers great stories, the
short stories, the fables have great meaning where symbolism, and
(24:12):
some of them are just great fun. Let me give
you one of the latter from the Thurber Carnival. It
will explain itself fairly quickly. The Lady on One for
two by James Thurber. The train was twenty minutes late,
we found out when we bought our tickets. So we
sat down on a bench in the little waiting room
(24:34):
of the Cornwall Bridge station. It was too hot outside
in the sun. This Midsummer Saturday had got off to
a sulky start. And now at three in the afternoon,
it's sacked, sticky and restive. In our laps. There were
several others besides Sylvia and myself, waiting for the train
(24:54):
to get in from Pittsfield. An older woman who fanned
herself with a daily news, a young lady in her
twenties reading a book. Slender tanned man sucking dreamily on
the stem of an unlighted pipe. In the center of
the room, leaning against a high iron radiator. A small
girl stared at each of us in turn, her mouth
(25:16):
open as if she had never seen people before. The
place had the familiar pleasant smell of railroad stations in
the country, something compounded of wood and leather and smoke.
In the cramped space behind the ticket window, a telegraph
instrument clicked intermittently, and once or twice a phone rang,
(25:37):
and the station master answered it briefly. I couldn't hear
what he said. I was glad on such a day
that we were going only as far as gay Lordsville,
the third stop down the line, twenty two minutes away.
The station master had told us that our tickets were
the first tickets to gay lords Bill he had ever sold.
I was idly pondering this small distinction. When a train
(25:59):
whistle blew in the distance. We all got to our feet,
but the station master came out of his cubby hole
and told us it was not our train, but the
twelve forty five from New York northbound. Presently, the train
thundered in like a hurricane and sighed ponderously to a stop.
The station master went out into the platform and came back.
After a minute or two, the train got heavily under
(26:21):
way again for Canaan. I was opening a pack of
cigarettes when I heard the station master talking on the
phone again. This time his words came out clearly. He
kept repeating one sentence. He was saying, Conductor Reagan on
one four two, has the lady the office was talking about.
(26:46):
The person on the other end of the line did
not appear to get the meaning of the sentence. The
station master repeated it and hung up. For some reason.
I figured that he did not understand it either. Sylvia's
eyes had the lost reflective look they wear when she's
trying to remember in what box she packed. The Christmas
tree ornaments. The expressions on the faces of the older woman,
(27:09):
the young lady, and the man with the pipe had
not changed. The little staring girl had gone away. Our
train was not due for another five minutes, and I
sat back and began trying to reconstruct the lady on
one four two the lady conductor Reagan had the lady
the office was asking about. I moved nearer to Sylvia
(27:32):
and whispered, see if the trains are numbered in your
time table. She got the timetable out of her handbag
and looked at it. One forty two, she said, is
the twelve forty five from New York. This was the
train that had gone by a few minutes before the
woman was taken sick, said Sylvia. They're probably arranging to
(27:54):
have a doctor or her family meet her. The older
woman looked around at her briefly. The young woman who
had been chewing gum stopped chewing. The man with the
pipe seemed oblivious. I lighted a cigarette and sat thinking.
The woman on one for two, I said to Sylvia
flatly might be almost anything, but she is definitely not sick.
(28:19):
The only person who did not stare at me was
the man with the pipe. Sylvia gave me her temperature,
taking look across between anxiety and vexation. Just then our
train whistled and we all stood up. I picked up
our two bags, and Sylvia took the sack of spring
beans we had picked up for the connals. When the
train came clanking in, I said in Sylvia's ear, he'll
(28:42):
sit near us. You watch who who will? She said,
the stranger? I told her, the man with the pipe.
Sylvia laughed, He's not a stranger, She said, he works
for the breeds. I was certainly that he did not
work for the breeds. Women like to place people. Every
(29:03):
stranger reminds of a somebody. The man with the pipe
was sitting three seats in front of us, across the aisle.
When we got settled, I indicated him with a nod
of my head. Sylvia took a book out of the
top of her overnight bag and opened it. What's the
matter with you, she demanded. I looked around before replying.
(29:25):
A sleepy man and woman sat across from us. Two
middle aged women in the seat in front of us
were discussing the severe griping pain one of them had
experienced as a result of inflamed diverticulitis. A slim, dark
eyed young woman sat in the seat behind us, she
was alone. The trouble with women, I began, is that
(29:49):
they explain everything by illness. I have a theory that
we could be celebrating the twelfth of May, or even
the sixteenth of April as Independence Day if Mrs Jefferson
hadn't got the idea. Her husband had a fever and
put him to bed. Sylvia found her place in the book.
We've been all through that before. She said, why couldn't
(30:11):
the woman on one forty two be sick? That was easy,
I told her. Conductor Reagan, I said, got off the
train at Cornwall Bridge and spoke to the station master.
I've got the woman the office was asking about, he said.
Sylvia cut in. He said, lady, I gave the little
(30:33):
laugh that annoys her. All conductors, say, lady, I explained, Now,
if a woman had got sick on the train, Reagan
would have said, a woman got sick on my train.
Tell the office. What must have happened is that Reagan
found somewhere between Kent and Cornwall Bridge a woman the
office had been looking for. Sylvia did not close her book,
(30:57):
but she looked up. Maybe she got sick before she
got on the train, and the office was worried, said Sylvia.
She was not giving the problem close attention. If the
office knew she got on the train, I said patiently,
they wouldn't have asked Reagan to let them know if
he found her. They would have told him about her
(31:21):
when she got on. Sylvia resumed her reading. Let's stay
out of it, she said, it isn't any of our business.
I hunted for my chicklets but couldn't find them. It
might be everybody's business, I said, every Patriots I know.
(31:42):
I know, said Sylvia. You think she's a spy, Well,
I think she's sick. I ignored that every conductor on
the line has been asked to look out for her.
I said, Reagan found her. She won't be met by
her family. She'll be met by the FBI or the
(32:04):
O p A, said Sylvia. Alfred Hitchcock. Things don't happen
on the New York, New Haven and Hartford Railroad. I
saw the conductor coming from the other end of the couch.
I'm going to tell a conductor, I said that Reagan
on one for two has got the woman. No you're not,
said Sylvia, You're not gonna get us and mixed up
in this He probably knows. Anyway, The conductor, short, stocky,
(32:29):
silver haired, and silent, took up our tickets. He looked
like a kindly Ikey's Sylvia, who had stiffened, relaxed when
I let him go by without a word about the
woman on one for two. He looks exactly as if
he knew where the Maltese falcon is hidden, doesn't, he
said Sylvia, with a laugh that annoys me. Nevertheless, I
(32:51):
pointed out you said a little while ago that he
probably knows about the woman on one four two. If
she's just sick, why should they tell the conductor on
this train. I'll rest more easily when I know that
they've actually got her. Sylvia kept reading as if she
hadn't heard me. I leaned my head against the back
(33:12):
of the seat and closed my eyes. The train was
slowing down noisily, and a brakeman was yelling can't, can't.
When I felt a small, cold pressure against my shoulder. Oh,
the voice of the woman in the seat behind me said,
I've dropped my copy of Coronet under your seat. She
(33:35):
leaned closer and her voice became low and hard. Get
off here, mr, she said, We're going to Gaylordsville. I said,
you and your wife are getting off here. Mr. She said.
I reached for the suitcases on the rack. Why do
you want for heaven's sake, asked Sylvia, we're getting off here?
(33:56):
I told her, Are you really crazy? She demanded? This
is only can't come on, sister, said the woman's voice.
You take the overnight bag and the beans, you take
the big bag. Mr. Sylvia was furious. I knew you'd
get us into this, She said to me, shouting about
spies at the top of your voice. That made me angry.
(34:20):
You're the one who mentioned spies. I told her I didn't.
He kept talking about it and talking about it, said Sylvia,
come on, get off. The two of you, said the cold,
hard voice. We got off. As I helped Sylvia down
the steps, I said, we know too much. I'll shut up.
She said. We didn't have far to go. The big
(34:43):
black limousine waited a few steps away. Behind the wheel
sat a heavy set foreigner with cruel lips and small eyes.
He scowled when he saw us. The boss don't want
nobody up there, he said, it's all right, Carl said
the woman get in. She told us. We climbed into
(35:03):
the back seat. She sat between us with the gun
in her hand. It was a handsome jeweled derringer. Alice,
will be waiting for us at gay lord's bell, said Sylvia.
In all this heat. The house was a long, low,
rambling building reached at the end of a poplar lined drive.
Never mind the bags, said the woman. Sylvia took the
(35:26):
string beans and her book and we got out. Two
huge matstiffs came bounding off the terrace, snarling. Down Mada,
said the woman. Down pedro. They slunk away, still snarling.
Sylvia and I sat side by side on a sofa
in a large, handsomely appointed living room. Across from us,
(35:48):
in a chair lounged a tall man with heavily lidded
black eyes and long sensitive fingers. Against the door through
which we had entered the room leaned a thin, undersized
young man with his hands in the pockets of his
coat and a cigarette hanging from his lower lip. He
had a draw on sallow face, and his small, half
closed eyes stared at us in curiously. In a corner
(36:11):
of the room, a squat swarthy man twiddled with the
dials of a radio. The woman paced up and down,
smoking a cigarette in a long holder. Well, Gail said
the lounging man, in a soft voice, to what do
we owe this unexpected visit? Gail kept pacing. They got Sandra,
(36:33):
she said. Finally, the lounging man did not change expression.
Who got Sandra, Gail? He asked softly. Reagan on one
for two, said Gail. The squat swarthy man jumped to
his feet. All the time, Egypt say, kiltis Reagan, he
shouted all the time, Egypt say, bomb off these Reagan.
(36:58):
The lounging man did not look at him. Sit down, Egypt,
he said quietly. The swarthy man sat down. Gail went
on talking. The punk here shot off his mouth. He said,
he was wise. I looked at the man leaning against
the door. She means you, said Sylvia, who laughed, Dame
(37:21):
was dumb. Gail went on. She thought the lady on
the train was sick. Now, I laughed, she means you,
I said to Sylvia. The punk was blowing his top
all over the train, said Gail. I had to bring
him along. Sylvia, who had the beans on her lap,
began breaking and stringing them. Well, my dear lady, said
(37:44):
the lounging man. A most homely little touch was a touch,
demanded Egypt, touch, I told him. Gail sat down in
a chair. Who's going to rub him out? She asked.
Fred Day said the lounging man, Egypt was on his
feet again. Nah nah, he shouted, not the punk, the
(38:07):
punk bomp off the last six seven people. The lounging
man looked at him. Egypt paled and sat down. I
thought you were the punk, said Sylvia. I looked at
her coldly. I know where I have seen you before,
I said to the lounging man. It was at Zagreb
(38:28):
in Tilden. Took you in straight sets six love six
love six love. The man's eyes glittered. I think I
bump off this man myself, he said. Freddy walked over
and handed the lounging man an automatic. At this moment,
(38:48):
the door Freddy had been leaning against burst open, and
in rushed the man with the pipe, shouting Gail, Gail,
Gail gaylords Vale, Gaylordsville bawled the brakeman. Sylvia was shaking
me by the arm. Quit mounting, she said, everybody's looking
(39:09):
at you. I rubbed my forehead with a handkerchief. Hurry up,
she said. Sylvia said, they don't stop here long, I
pulled the bags down and we got off. Have you
got the beans? I asked Sylvia. Alice Connell was waiting
for us on the way to their home. In the car,
Sylvia began to tell Alice about the woman on one
(39:31):
for two. I didn't say anything. He thought you as
a spy, said Sylvia. They both laughed. She'll probably got
sick on the train, said Alice. They're probably arranging for
a doctor to meet her at the station. That's just
what I told him, said Sylvia. I lighted a cigarette.
(39:53):
The lady on one for two, I said firmly, was
definitely not sick. Oh, lower, said Sylvia. Here we go again,
The Lady on one two by James Thurber. Countdown has
(40:29):
come to you from the studios of Alderman Broadcasting Empire
World Headquarters in the Sports Capsule Building here in New York.
Thank you for listening. Here are the credits. Most of
the music, including our theme from Beethoven's Ninth, was arraigned,
produced and performed by Brian Ray and John Philip Chanelle,
who are the Countdown musical directors. All orchestration and keyboards
(40:50):
by John Philip Chanelle. Guitars, bass, and drums by Brian
Ray produced by t k O Brothers. Other Beethoven selections
have been arranged and performed by the group No Horns Allowed.
The sports music is the Alderman theme from ESPN two,
and it was written by Mitch Warren Davis courtesy of
the ESPN Inc. Musical comments from Nancy Faust the best
(41:11):
baseball stadium organist ever and our announcer today was Jonathan
Banks from Breaking Bad. Everything else is pretty much my
fault except the Thurber. Let's countdown for this the seven
dred day since Donald Trump's first attempted coup against the
democratically elected government of the United States. Arrest him now
while we still can. The next scheduled countdown Monday till
(41:34):
then on Keith Olverman. Good Morning, good afternoon, goodnight, and
good luck. Countdown with Keith Olverman is a production of
(41:55):
I heart Radio. For more podcasts from i heart Radio,
visit the i heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever
you get your podcasts.
Host
Keith Olbermann
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