March 22, 2024 • 60 mins
SEASON 2 EPISODE 145: COUNTDOWN WITH KEITH OLBERMANN
A-Block (1:44) SPECIAL COMMENT: His Republican minions in the House thought releasing the previously unreported January 6 Committee transcript of an interview with a White House valet would help the desperate need to "prove" Trump tried to stop January 6th.
Instead it shows that he was told that Ashli Babbitt had been shot in the chest and he did and said nothing and now he uses her at his fascist rallies and his inhumanity and selfishness is more apparent than ever. The testimony also shows Trump thought to call General Mark Milley and then-Speaker Nancy Pelosi about the National Guard (the GOP will play that part up) and then... didn't (the GOP will ignore that part). And it details how he threatened Mike Pence that morning and even as the coup failed his only concern was himself, and how Pence "let me down."
It is an amazing self-own by Trump's congresswhores.
ALSO the NY Attorney General has begun the paperwork to seize at least one Trump property, the NYC DA says that 100,000 page document dump is virtually irrelevant to the case and trial should begin April 15. And Merrick Garland makes a jackass out of himself yet again.
(16:46) THE SHOHEI ME THE MONEY SCANDAL: Yesterday, I said they had to answer – as quickly as possible – the old Watergate cliché: What did Shohei Ohtani Know And When Did He Know It? Since then, the actions of Ohtani and his representatives and the Dodgers and Baseball (keeping Ohtani away from the press; insisting there's no MLB investigation) have QUINTUPLED the number of questions that must be satisfied as quickly and thoroughly as possible:
WHY have you issued two or maybe three different official versions of this story; HOW could Ohtani have acknowledged he sent the bookie four and a half million dollars then insist the money had been stolen from him AND then insist he knew nothing about any of this; HOW long did the TEAM know about this disaster; IS the interpreter just trying to take the fall for Ohtani; WHY did a Dodgers source remind ESPN that whatever happened, it happened when Ohtani was playing for the Angels (the answer is: the Dodgers are covering their asses if Ohtani goes down); and maybe most saliently: the fired translator Mizuhara told ESPN his annual salary was between 300-thousand and 500-thousand dollars. What kind of self-respecting bookie would let a guy with THAT level of income, run up four and a half million dollars in unpaid gambling losses?
B-Block (28:19) THE WORST PERSONS IN THE WORLD: The Tampa Bay Rays spoil it. The pitcher for whom they just traded will NOT become Joe Rock of The Rockies. A Republican congressman retweets the GOP's favorite news source: Russian State TV. And Liz Harrington thinks Peter Navarro can appeal the Supreme Court's verdict to...Jesus. (Jesus!)
C-Block (36:00) FRIDAYS WITH THURBER: It's the start of another baseball season (and maybe another baseball scandal of biblical proportions!) so let's celebrate with Thurber's epic mixture of Brooklyn Dodgers Play-by-Play and the jujitsu of the little man: The Catbird Seat.
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
Countdown with Keith Olderman is a production of iHeartRadio Whenever
Trump stands up in front of his cult this weekend
(00:25):
and tries to make Ashley Bobbitt into a martyr and
plays the new second national anthem, the Ashley Bobbitt January
sixth Hostages song. Remember he is even more full of
shit than you knew before. Testimony from January sixth from
a White House valet in the back dining room from
which Trump watched the riot he caused, watched the attempt
(00:47):
to sack the Capitol. Watch the attempt to overthrow democracy
in this nation was made public for the first time yesterday,
and it shows that Trump was handed a note card
reading quote one ex civilian gunshot wound to chest at
door of House chamber. The valet saw the card quote.
(01:08):
I remember seeing that in front of him. Yeah, The
valet was asked by the investigator. Do you remember the
president's reaction when he received this note? No, I mean
I just remember seeing it in front of him. I
don't remember how it got there or whatever. But there
was no like reaction, no like reaction. This is not
(01:31):
a shocking revelation. We know Trump cares about no human life.
But his own does not truly understand that there is
any human life besides his own. But it is stark
and grotesque, and even at the remove of three years
and two months and sixteen days, it is enraging a woman,
(01:52):
however dangerous, however misguided, however lost, a woman who was
trying to destroy her own country has been shot through
the chest, and he can't even be bothered to react
to it, and now he is using her. We know
(02:14):
this happened. We know of Trump's in humanity. We know
of this testimony because this heretofore unknown interview by the
House January sixth Committee was released yesterday by the Republicans
who are now trying to discredit that committee, trying to
somehow exonerate Trump, trying to rewrite history, gaslight the world,
(02:34):
and make Trump and his terrorists by proxy, the victims
and not the traders. And of course those House Republicans
have completely screwed it up. Trump looks worse and worse
and worse per Politico, those moron Trump Congress whores thought
(02:55):
one fact in this testimony would make Trump look heroic
and concerned, and of course it just makes him look
more of a coward and more of a weakly. They
thought this testimony by the understandably unidentified valet would show
that during his coup, Trump wanted to talk to General
Mark Milly and Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, and
(03:18):
thus that would make this their fault. The Republicans in
the House either did not notice or did not understand
that the valet's testimony shows that if Trump really did
think it would have been responsible to call Milli or
Pelosi or both of them, he begged off and didn't
do it. Quote, what I remember about the National Guard
(03:40):
was him wanting to talk to national or talk to
General Milly and Speaker Pelosi about the National Guard. Those
were two of the three conversations that I knew he
wanted or telephone calls that he wanted to make was
to Speaker Pelosi and General Milly about the National Guard.
I remember hearing that just and then the rest is redacted.
(04:04):
Then come, who's the point Trump's apologists ignored? They asked
the valet if he heard that Trump had spoken to
either one of them, since he was in the room
with Trump, I do not know if any of those
phone calls were connected or not. Of course, we know
from General Millie and Speaker Pelosi, and what's left of
(04:25):
the phone records that Trump talked to no one who
could have helped stop the insurrection that day. We know,
because we know what Trump is, that he talked to
no one who could have stopped it because he did
not want it stopped. I'm going to stop mocking the
House Republicans now who put out this transcript, because they
have added to our knowledge of just how derelict in
(04:46):
his duties Trump was. On January sixth, it does say
there at eleven twenty, the interviewer says to the valet
call with v Potus, are you aware of the call
that the president had with the vice president on the
morning of the sixth. The valet answers, yes, sir, tell
me about that. What do you remember the valet was
(05:07):
in the room with Trump. There's six and one quarter
lines redacted and then quote, Mike, this is a political
career killer if you do this. Do what's right. And
at that time, I was already walking out of the
Oval office, and I did hear Vice President Pence like
start talking. I could just tell in his Trump's voice
(05:30):
when he was talking to the Vice president that he
was disappointed and frustrated me and him. I think close
to the end of the day, he just mentioned that
Mike let him down, unquote. So on January sixth, Trump
really did threaten Pence over his refusal to breach the
Constitution and stop the peaceful transfer of power. And then
(05:54):
for the testimony of the valet, Trump sat there most
of the time in the private dining room in the
back and just watched the carnage unfold for TV. The
ballet said, Fox News, CNN, and he thinks Fox Business
and MSNBC for three hours quote, he only really moves
in between the private dining room, the bathroom, the Oval office,
(06:16):
and the outer Oval office unquote. And then Ashley Bobbitt
was shot and killed. And the next thing of substance
Trump said hours later was Mike let him down. He
sat there, he watched, he worried, he worried about himself.
Screw Bobbitt, screw the cops, screw the senators, screw the congressman,
(06:44):
screw the Vice president, screw America. The Republicans think this
will help Trump because he may have briefly thought of
calling General Millie or Speaker Pelosi instead. It just underscores
that whatever he thought whatever went through that brain of
(07:05):
his during one of the brief interludes in which he
was not thinking about himself. Ultimately, he did not call
General Millie, and he did not call Speaker Pelosi. And
the road to hell is paved with good intentions or
Trump's intentions. And just to put the exclamation point at
the end of the sentence, Trump is a traitorous, sub
(07:29):
human terrorist. Down there on page sixty six of seventy
of this transcript, brought up for reasons or related to
details we cannot see because of redactions, there is the
final revelation that at his core, Trump is an angry, thwarted,
stupid toddler. Question, do you remember the president ever tearing
(07:53):
up or destroying documents that he had seen? The Valet
then answers quote, That's typically what he would do once
he's finished with a document. But that was his sign
of like he was done reading it, and he would
just throw it on the floor. He would tear everything,
tear newspapers, tear pictures. On January sixth, he would, you know,
(08:14):
it didn't have to be that picture, but as an example,
he likes to look at pictures and he would just
tear it once he's done looking at it and just
throw it on the floor. That led to the obvious
follow up question, do you remember the president doing that
on January the sixth? Then finally the valet gives an
answer that might explain why somebody thought this document would
(08:34):
help Trump, or at least the valet starts to give
an answer that might explain why somebody thought this would
help Trump. Quote, I don't remember, sir, but you know,
it wouldn't surprise me that there was a pile. And then, lastly,
and most disturbingly, the plaintive plea from somebody else who
(08:59):
has made the terrible, life destroying decision to trust Trump.
The questioner asks if the valet wants to put anything
else on the record before they close. Quote, again, it's
just me personally. I'm just like paranoid and this is
like and my anxiety. I just I really don't Again,
(09:21):
I don't like, I'm really worried about my name or
my title or anything to associate me with this, because again,
typically I just really don't want to be involved in
this because I don't think, you know, it was my
job to be involved, But that's what I just really
want to be able to protect my name and myself
(09:41):
from anybody trying to reach out to me. So the
Republicans release the transcript and somebody there can figure out
who this is and jeopardize this man's life. And somewhere
he has heard about them putting this transcript out, and
(10:02):
he did not sleep last night because the Republicans thought
the fact that he didn't see everything that others saw
and testified to that that exonerates Trump or dirties up
the committee and changes the dialogue about January sixth, because
he said Trump wanted to call Millie and Pelosi even
(10:24):
though oops, he didn't, because the Republicans and Trump would
be happy to see his mob hang this poor man
if it meant Trump looked one percent less guilty of
treason than he does right now. And so once again,
to hell with all them. Trump, First, hey want to
(11:11):
buy a golf course? Slightly used in the first sign
that the New York Attorney General Letitia James does not
expect Trump to come up with the bond for the
four hundred and sixty four million dollars, and she does
not expect him to pay the money himself, and she
does not expect him to declare bankruptcy and thus stall
and complicate further. It was revealed yesterday that her office
has filed judgments two weeks ago in Westchester County. The
(11:35):
first step a creditor takes to recover property in lieu
of a debt ode the step you take before the
lean and the foreclosure. What Trump owns in suburban Westchester
is seven Springs, an a state in Mount Kisco, a
(11:55):
surprisingly ungaudy looking mansion, and what else uh golf course
net value around thirty million dollars. In fact, seven Springs
came up during the hearings before Judge Arthur Andngern. It
is one of the reasons Judge Enngarn penalized Trump so heavily.
A professional appraiser assessed it in twenty fourteen at being
(12:18):
worth thirty million dollars. In Trump's financial statement he said
it was worth two hundred and sixty one million dollars.
So if the plan is to seize that, it will
not be the last property they sees. Meanwhile, in the
Stormy Daniel's case, Good News Everyone, Alvin Bragg has told
the court that in that case that Trump's document dump
(12:41):
stall there is barely relevant. In his filing, he says
that of the more than one hundred thousand pages of
evidence and testimony just turned over by federal prosecutors, the
pages Trump demanded, fewer than two hundred and seventy pages
are quote relevant to the subject matter of the case.
(13:02):
And thus the trial, which should have started Monday, should
in fact start on time as rescheduled on Monday, April fifteenth.
And from the ridiculous to the absurd, if the Republicans
(13:26):
hurt Trump by releasing that Valet's transcript, there is always
the Democrat who can hurt President Biden. They have pulled
his coffin out of the crypt and stood Merrick Garland upright,
and they have asked him about his ten eared, irresponsible, amateurish,
injurious decision to not take out Robert k HER's amateur
(13:52):
neurology guesswork report from hers self destructive pro Trump Special
Council report on President Biden and those documents, and Garland
is in rare aged quote. It's consistent with the precedents
the full disclosure of all Special Council reports in the
entire twenty five years in which the regulation has been
(14:13):
in effect. The idea that an attorney general would edit
or redact or censor the Special Council's explanation for why
the Special Council reached the decision the Special Council did.
That's absurd. No one from the White House has said
that to me unquote. One assumes if that last part
(14:38):
is the case, if Garland is not lying that no
one from the White House has said that to him,
it's because the White House has already figured out what
has become increasingly clear to the rest of us since
the day he was sworn in as Attorney General. That
it's just a question now of when firing him will
(14:58):
hurt President Biden the least politically, and that Merrick Garland
is not worth the price of the oil with which
to fry him in hell for its day three of
(15:24):
the show, Hey me the money gambling scandal, and it's
hard to believe the Los Angeles Dodgers could have done
something that could have made it all exponentially worse. But
they sure have. For Chelsea Janes of The Washington Post
after the Dodgers' second and final opening series game from Soul,
South Korea, quote Dodgers' public relations guarded Otani's locker as
(15:48):
he changed then told reporters he would not be speaking.
When reporters surrounded his locker, asking if he had a
second anyway, he walked by and out of the clubhouse,
saying what the Japanese reporters translated as have a good night.
So now, on top of everything else, there's also a
stone wall, and maybe a cover up, and certainly a
(16:10):
dare to every single investigated journalist in two countries, sports
and non sports journalists here and in Japan, who not
only recognize that the real prospect of one of the
greatest sports scandals of all time is suddenly a perceptible
thing with definable features, but each of whom is also
(16:32):
living in a world in which their jobs and their
employers are in mortal peril. And I guarantee you each
one of them is thinking, if I can only break
this story, I can save my paper and the entire industry.
Just review this for a second. On Tuesday, representatives of
the biggest star in baseball show Hey Otani, fresh off
(16:54):
having signed a seven hundred million dollar free agent contract
with the Los Angeles Dodgers. Representatives of Otani told ESPN
that Otani had transferred four and a half million dollars
to a bookie on behalf of his translator and maybe
his best friend in American baseball if A Misihara. Otani's
(17:15):
people then set up a ninety minute interview with ESPN
for the translator, Misuhara, who explained Otani was paying off
his gambling debts for him so that he would stop
gambling and paid the bookie directly so that Misuhara would
not have access to the money and use it to
place more bets in one of the few states where
sports gambling is still illegal, and while baseball still has
(17:37):
a death penalty for any player associating with illegal gamblers.
Misihara then addressed the Dodgers team with Otani in the
locker room present and told the he's my friend, he
paid off my debts story. After Tuesday's game in South Korea,
the same Otani reps who sent Misahara to talk to
(17:58):
ESPN then said none of that was true and that
Misihara was lying. The Los Angeles Times then reported Otani's
name had surfaced in an investigation of the bookmaker's illegal
activities in Orange County, California. Otani's lawyers then said Otani
had been the victim of a massive theft of millions
of dollars, and the Dodgers promptly fired the translator Misuhara.
(18:24):
Sources around Otani then leaked that the first Otani had
heard of any of this was after the Dodgers game
in Seoul on Tuesday, and then yesterday, sources throughout baseball
indicated that neither the Commissioner's office nor anybody else in
the industry was conducting an investigation into Otani, into Mizuhara,
(18:46):
or into any of the various different stories that have
so far been produced, and most recently, the Dodgers kept
the media away from Otani, and then they all headed
home from South Korea, and of course there wouldn't be
any reporters trying to follow up on any of this
in the media market. The Dodgers call home, which is
Check's notes, Southern California, which only consists of twenty four
(19:10):
million residents. For my part, I was flashed back to
Southern California back thirty five years and to the parking
lot of the Palm Springs Public Library in Palm Springs, California,
which is next to what was Gene Autry Stadium, which
is where the California Angels baseball team used to hold
(19:30):
the second half of its spring training, and I'm there
because I'm covering it for Channel two in Los Angeles.
And the library is A where our camera is for
my live shot, and B where the shade is, and
C where my copy of the new edition of Sports
Illustrated is the April third, nineteen eighty nine edition with
(19:51):
the title Pete Rose under Siege and a picture of
him forlornly tossing a ball in the air because a
winter of whispers about Pete Rose gambling on baseball that
everybody had denied had suddenly exploded, and the entire sports
world had been turned into the hunt to catch Pete Rose.
(20:14):
Before you wonder why I would invoke Rose at this stage,
the La Time story yesterday about Otani began, and I'm quoting, show,
Hey Otani, is no Pete Rose, at least not yet, unquote.
And here we are again reliving my flashback in the
parking lot, except it's going to be the hunt to
catch show Hey Otani. And if the Dodgers don't realize
(20:36):
that they're run by a bunch of morons, because even
if Otani is completely innocent here somehow, and if he
wired four and a half million dollars to a bookie
to pay for four and a half million really good cookies.
He may have still broken the law even if Otani
(20:57):
is completely innocent here, somehow, Otani and his reps, and
the team and Major League Baseball have already screwed this
up so bad that they may have eclipsed whatever the
interpreter did or did not do yesterday I said they
had to answer as quickly as possible the old Watergate
cliche updated. What did show hey Otani know and when
(21:19):
did he know it? Just since then, the actions of
Otani and his representatives and the Dodgers and Major League
Baseball have quintupled the number of questions that must be
satisfied as quickly and thoroughly and honestly as possible. Why
have you issued two or is it three, different official
(21:40):
versions of Otani's story? How could Otani have acknowledged he
sent the bookie four and a half million dollars, then
insist the money had been stolen from him, and then
insists he knew nothing about any of this? How long
did the team know about this? Is the interpreter just
trying to take a fall for Otani? Why did a
(22:01):
Dodgers source remind ESPN that whatever happened, it happened when
Otani was playing for the Angels, and maybe most saliently,
the fired translator Misuhara told ESPN in that interview that
his annual salary was between three hundred thousand and five
hundred thousand dollars. What kind of self respecting bookie would
(22:22):
let a guy with that level of income run up
four and a half million dollars in unpaid gambling losses.
Every hour that passes without this being addressed and resolved
increases the chances that the true story here will be
disastrous for sho Hey Otani, for the Los Angeles Dodgers,
for Major League Baseball, disastrous as in suspensions and lifetime
(22:46):
banishments and tips of icebergs. Because that flashback, I had
to my live shot from the library about the start
of the Pete Rose scandal the end of March nineteen
eighty nine. That flashback actually ends in New York on
August twenty fourth, nineteen eighty nine, where I'm at the
press conference where the Commissioner of Baseball, the actor Paul
(23:10):
Jamadi's late father, Bart is announcing that Pete Rose has
been banned for life. PostScript. The most expensive regular baseball
card of Shoahi Otani, not autographed by him, not one
(23:31):
of a kind, not glow in the dark. It's now
a twenty twenty Tops Opening Day series photo variation. With
Otani standing at the batting cage and looming over his
shoulder you see the figure of his pal and interpreter
Ife Misuhara. The eBay price for this card one and
(23:53):
seventy nine dollars. There's also an if A Misuhara autograph
Baseball available on eBay nineteen hundred and ninety nine dollars
and ninety nine cents. Baseball's signed by Pete Rose, inscribed
I'm sorry, I bet on baseball. Your cost ninety nine bucks.
(24:16):
Also of interest here a top Trump advisor or former
Trump advisor. It's hard to tell anymore, says Chief Justice
John Roberts. Was despicable for not sparing Peter Navarro from prison,
and they plan to now appeal that decision to Jesus
Jesus H. Christ. That's next. This is countdown. This is
(24:42):
Countdown with Keith Olberman still ahead of us on this
(25:06):
edition of Countdown Fridays with Thurber And since we are
on the verge of another baseball season, or another baseball
scandal of biblical proportions, or both. Let's go back to
that wonderful mix of Thurber and Red Barber, the Great
Reds and Brooklyn Dodgers and New York Yankees play by
play man the cat bird seat next in Fridays with
(25:26):
Thurber first, Still more idiots talk about the daily roundup
of the miscrants, morons and Dunning Kruger effects specimens who
constitute two days worst persons than the first. The Bronze
should do that, as Red Barber shouldn't. I Today's what's
pusins in the world, y'all? First, the Bronze worse the
(25:47):
Tampa Bay Rays baseball team. They're owned by a friend
of mine, in fact, but they have gone and done it.
They have traded shortstop Greg Jones to the Colorado Rockies
in exchange for a minor league pitcher. That minor league
pitcher's name is Joe Rock. He is now Joe Rock
of the Tampa Bay Rays. Until this awful news today,
(26:09):
he had the chance to become Joe Rock of the
Colorado Rockies. Thus he will not join the annals of
such perfect player placements as Johnny Podres of the San
Diego Padres, Butch Metzger of the New York Mets and
Ted Cox of the Red Sox instead, Joe Rock will
(26:31):
have to be filed with Cubs Stricker who never played
for the Chicago Cubs, Jim Brewer will never pitched for
the Milwaukee Brewers, Randy Cardinal who never appeared for the
Saint Louis Cardinals, Galen Pitts who never played for Pittsburgh,
Tyler Houston who never played for Houston, oh Yank Terry
of the Red Sox, Johnny and Sam Dodge who were
(26:51):
never Dodgers, and of course outfielder Angel Bravo who never
played for either the California Angels or the Atlanta Braves.
It's a damn shame. The runner up Wurser Congressman Tim Burchett,
the serial facial hair alterer beard sometimes mustache, soul patch,
(27:12):
then clean shaven, then a different kind of mustache. Constant
facial hair realignment is considered by some psychologist as a
sign of emotional unsteadiness, if not actual distress. You know
what else is That's a sign of retweeting Russian propaganda.
The Midas Network reports that Yesterday, Congressman Burchett retweeted what
(27:33):
at first looked like a news story claiming President Zelenski
of Ukraine was offended by the Trump proposal to make
any military help to that country only in the form
of loans that must be repaid. Burchett's account added quote,
bite in the hand that feeds you. This is what
zero accountability looks like. You know what being a dupe
(27:55):
for Russian propaganda looks like, Bob Yeah, Jim Jordan and
James Comer. Yep, when Ron Johnson, But in this case,
when the article attached to your snide subtweet was in
fact published and tweeted by RT Russian state television. Somebody
in Burchet's office figured this out, deleted the retweet within
(28:16):
an hour, and then presumably he went home and shaved
his head. But our winner the worst, Liz Harrington. I
no longer know how to describe Liz Harrington because she
used to be Trump's principal on the record spokesperson. Then
they gave that role to some ex UFC fighter with
eight different necks, and then they hired another woman named
(28:39):
Levitt who may have gone to the same dental office
Christy nom did that infomercial for and does everything but
wave her hand like the Queen while she's reading the
press release. It appears Liz Harrington may have been fired
two months ago, and if that's the case, presumably it
had something to do with her increasingly bizarre comments which
(28:59):
more and more seemed to conflate Trump with God. Suddenly,
Liz Harrington is back after a couple of months, appearing
with Steve Sloppy Bannon on the Real America's Voice Channel,
which is a streaming propaganda service for those who find
Newsmax too balanced. Liz Harrington and apparently now works for them,
(29:21):
though they idd her as former Trump senior advisor and
guess what, her trolley is completely off the tracks. She's
gone full. Jesus can overrule the Supreme Court. While complaining
about Peter Navarro going to prison.
Speaker 2 (29:37):
Thank God, we do not have to appeal to Chief
Justice John Roberts. A despicable thing he did, and one
man making a decision to keep to send Peter to prison. Well,
thank god, we don't have to rely on his mercy
because he has none. We rely Our appeal is to Heaven.
(29:58):
This is what we need to start doing. We have
a power that is so much greater than these evil people.
God laughs at them. He laughs at them. So we
need to start using it. We need to start using
Jesus Christ. We need to use the word, and we
need to pray.
Speaker 1 (30:16):
Now, Look, why should we be worried about them doing
this appeal to heaven jazz? I mean the appeal to
Heaven flag was used by John Adams and the revolutionaries
and the Revolutionary War figures, And no Maga thinks appeal
to heaven means you ask God to help and then
he tells you to go and kill some liberal somewhere.
(30:38):
And then when they arrest you, all you have to
do is say God told me to do this, and
they say, well that's all right, then you are free
to go. That's the way they're now framing appeal to heaven.
So if you want to know what this is really about,
just look in the eyes of Liz. I'm not crazy,
I'm not hallucinating. I'm just looking right into Jesus's eyes,
aren't I Jesus Harrington Two Day's Worse Person World. It's
(31:06):
an schemic episode. Lady. Here's the number one story on
(31:29):
the countdown, And since it is the weekend, edition. It's
time for some James Thurber. The Catbird Seat combines two
of my all time favorite things, Thurber and baseball broadcasting.
As Thurber will reveal in the story, the title comes
from a catchphrase used by the Brooklyn Dodgers legendary announcer
Red Barber, the man who trained Vin Scully and is
(31:50):
my late friend Vin's only true competition for greatest baseball
play by playing man of all time. I met Red
Barber once I interviewed him for CNN. He called me
Keith throughout the interview. I was so starstruck. It's pretty
much all I remember from the interview. Anyway. Bert Lancaster
bought the movie rights to this story and he got
(32:13):
Billy Wilder to commit to direct it. Well, how come
you've never heard of this perfect sounding film, The Catbird Seat,
directed by Billy Wilder. They sold the rights and in
nineteen sixty the film was made, but they relocated it
from Manhattan to Scotland, starring Peter Sellars dressed up as
(32:34):
an old man as mister Martin. It's okay unless you've
read the story or had it read to you from
the Thurber Carnival nineteen forty five. The Catbird Seat by
James Thurber. Mister Martin bought the pack of camels on
(32:54):
Monday night in the most crowded cigar store on Broadway.
It was theater time, and seven or eight men were
buying cigarettes. The clerk didn't even glance at mister Martin,
who put the pack in his overcoat pocket and went out.
If any of the staff at F and S had
seen him by the cigarettes, they would have been astonished,
(33:14):
for it was generally known that mister Martin did not smoke,
and never had. No one saw him. It was just
a week to the day since mister Martin had decided
to rub out missus old Jean Barrows. The term rub
out pleased him because it suggested nothing more than the
(33:34):
correction of an error, in this case, an error of
mister Fitweiler. Mister Martin had spent each night of the
past week working out his plan and examining it as
he walked home. Now he went over it again for
the hundredth time. He resented the element of imprecision, the
margin of guesswork that entered into the business. The project,
(33:58):
as he had worked it out was casual and bold.
The risks were considerable, something might go wrong anywhere along
the line, and therein lay the cunning of his scheme.
No one would ever see in the cautious, painstaking hand
of Irwin Martin, head of the filing department at F
(34:19):
and S, of whom mister Fitweiler had once said, man
is fallible, but Martin isn't. No one would see his hand,
that is, unless he were caught in the act. Sitting
in his apartment drinking a glass of milk, mister Martin
(34:39):
reviewed his case against missus Old Jean Barrows, as he
had every night for seven nights. He began at the beginning.
Her quacking voice and braying laugh at first profaned the
halls of FNS. On March seventh, nineteen forty one, mister
Martin had a head for dates. Old Roberts, the personnel chief,
(35:01):
had introduced her as the newly appointed special advisor to
the president of the firm, mister Fitweiler. The woman had
appalled mister Martin instantly, but he had not shown it.
He had given her his dry hand a look of
studious concentration in a faint smile. Well, she said, looking
(35:22):
at the papers on his desk, are you lifting the
ox cart? Out of the ditch. As mister Martin recalled
that moment over his milk, he squirmed slightly. He must
keep his mind on her crimes as a special advisor,
not on her peccadillos as a personality. This he found
difficult to do. In spite of entering an objection and
(35:44):
sustaining it. The faults of the woman as a woman
kept chattering on in his mind like an unruly witness.
She had, for almost two years now baited him in
the halls, in the elevator, even in his own office,
into which she romped now and then like a circus horse.
(36:04):
She was constantly shouting these silly questions at him. Are
you left in the ox cart out of the ditch?
Are you tearing up the pea patch? Are you hollering
down the rain barrel? Are you scraping around the bottom
of the pickle barrel? Are you sitting in the catmurried seat.
It was Joey Hart, one of mister Martin's two assistants,
(36:30):
who had explained what the gibberish meant. She must be
a Dodger fan, he had said. Red Bob announces the
Dodger games over the radio, and he uses these expressions
picked them up down south. Joey had gone on to
explain one or two, Tearing up the pea patch meant
going on a rampage. Sitting in the catbirds seat meant
(36:53):
sitting pretty like a batter with three balls and no
strikes on him. Mister Martin dismissed all this with an effort.
It had been annoying, It had driven him nearer to distraction,
but he was too solid a man to be moved
to murder by anything so childish. It was unfortunate, he reflected,
(37:13):
as he passed on to the important charges against Missus Barrows,
that he had stood up under it so well. He
had maintained always an outward appearance of polite tolerance. Why
I even believe you like the woman misspaired, his other
assistant had once said to him. He had simply smiled
(37:36):
a gavel wrapped in mister Martin's mind, and the case
proper was resumed. Missus Aul Jean Barrows stood charged with wilful,
flatant and persistent attempts to destroy the efficiency and system
of FINS. It was confident material and relevant to review
her advent and rise to power. Mister Martin had got
the story from miss Paired, who seemed always able to
(37:57):
find things out. According to her, Missus Barrows had met
mister Fitwaller a party where she had rescued him from
the embraces of a powerfully built, drunken man who had
mistaken the president of F and S for a famous
retired middle Western football coach. She had led him to
(38:19):
a sofa and somehow worked upon him a monstrous magic.
The aging gentleman had jumped to the conclusion there and
then that this was a woman of singular attainments, equipped
to bring out the best in him and in the firm.
A week later he had introduced her into F and
S as his special adviser. On that day, confusion got
(38:45):
its foot in the door. After miss Tyson, mister Brundage,
and mister Bartlett had been fired and mister Munson had
taken his hat and stalked out mailing. In his resignation letter,
Old Roberts had been emboldened to speak to mister Fitweiler.
He mentioned that mister Munson's department had become a little disrupted,
(39:06):
and hadn't they perhaps better resumed the old system there,
mister Fitwaller had said certainly not. He had the greatest
faith in missus Barrow's ideas. They require a little seasoning.
Little seasoning is all, he had added. Mister Roberts had
given it up. Mister Martin reviewed in detail all the
(39:26):
changes wrought by missus Barrows. She had begun chipping at
the cornices of the firm's edifice, and now she was
swinging at the foundation stones with a pickaxe. Mister Martin
came now in his summing up to the afternoon of Monday,
November two, nineteen forty two, just one week ago. On
that day, at three pm, Missus Barrows had bounced into
(39:49):
his office. Boo, she had yelled, Are you scraping around
the bottom of the pickle barrel? Mister Martin had looked
at her from under his green eye shade, saying nothing.
She had begun to wander about the office, taking it
with her great popping eyes. Do you really need all
these filing cabinets, she had demanded. Suddenly, mister Martin's heart
(40:15):
had jumped each of these files, he had said, keeping
his voice even plays an indispensable part in the system
of f and s. She had brayed at him, while
don't tear up the pea patch and gone to the door.
From there she had bawled, but you sure have got
a lot of fines scrap in here. Mister Martin could
(40:40):
no longer doubt that the finger was on his beloved department.
Her pickaxe was on the upswing poise for the first blow.
It had not come yet. He had received no blue
memo from the enchanted mister Fitweiler bearing nonsensical instructions deriving
from this obscene woman, But there was no doubt in
(41:01):
mister Martin's mind that one would be forthcoming. He must
act quickly. Already a precious week had gone by. Mister
Martin stood up in his living room, still holding his
milk glass. Gentlemen of the jury, he said to himself,
I demand the death penalty for this horrible person. The
(41:28):
next day, mister Martin followed his routine as usual. He
polished his glasses more often and once sharpened and already
sharp pencil. But not even mispaired noticed. Only once did
he catch sight of his victim. She swept past him
in the hall with the patronizing hi. At five point thirty.
He walked home as usual and had a glass of
milk as usual. He had never drunk anything stronger in
(41:51):
his life, unless you could count ginger Ale. The late
Sam Schlosser, the s of F and S had praised
mister Martin at a staff meeting several years before for
his temperate habits. One of our most efficient workers. Neither
drinks nor smokes, he had said, the results speak for themselves.
Mister Fitweiler had sat by, nodding approval. Mister Martin was
(42:16):
still thinking about that red letter day as he walked
over to the Shafts restaurant on Fifth Avenue near forty
sixth Street. He got there, as he always did, at
eight o'clock. He finished his dinner and the financial page
of the New York Sun quartered at nine. As he
always did, it was his custom after dinner to take
a walk. This time he walked down Fifth Avenue at
a casual place. His gloved hands felt moist and warm,
(42:40):
his forehead cold. He transferred the camels from his overcoat
to a jacket pocket. He wondered as he did so,
if they did not represent an unnecessary note of strain.
Missus Sparrows smoked only Lucky's. It was his idea to
puff a few puffs on a camel after the rubbing out,
(43:01):
stub it out in the ashtray, holding her lipstick, saying
luck keyes, and thus drag a small red herring across
the trail. Perhaps it was not a good idea. It
would take time. He might even choke too loudly. Mister
Martin had never seen the house on West twelfth Street
where Missus Barrows lived, but he had a clear enough
(43:23):
picture of it. Fortunately, she had bragged to everybody about
her decky first floor apartment in the perfectly darling three
story red brick. There would be no doorman or other attendants,
just the tenants of the second and third floors. As
he walked along, mister Martin realized that he would get
there before nine thirty. He had considered walking north on
(43:47):
Fifth Avenue from Shrafts to a point from which it
would take him until ten o'clock to reach the house.
At that hour people were less likely to be coming
in or going out. But the procedure would have made
an awkward loop in the straight thread of his casualness,
and he had abandoned it. It was impossible to figure
when people would be entering or leaving the house anyway,
(44:07):
There was a great risk at any hour. If he
ran into anybody, he would simply have to place the
rubbing out of Old Jean Barrows in the inactive file forever.
The same thing would hold true if there was someone
in her apartment. In that case, he would just say
that he had been passing by, recognized her charming house,
(44:27):
and thought to drop in. It was eighteen minutes after
nine when mister Martin turned into twelfth straight. A man
passed him, and a man and a woman talking. There
was no one within fifty paces. When he came to
the house halfway down the block. He was up the
steps and in the small vestibule, and no time pressing
the bell under the card that said missus Old Jean Barrows.
(44:49):
When the clicking in the locks started, he jumped forward
against the door. He got inside fast, closing the door
behind him. A bulb in a lantern hung from the
hall ceiling on a chain seemed to give a monstrously
bright light. There was nobody on the stair which went
up ahead of him along the left wall. A door
opened down on the hall on the wall on the right.
He went toward it swiftly on tiptoe. Well, for God's sakes,
(45:12):
look who's here, bawled Missus Barrows, and her brain laugh
rang out like the report of a shotgun. He rushed
past her like a football attacker, bumping her. Hey quit shoving,
she said, closing the door behind them. They were in
her living room, which seemed to mister Martin to be
lighted by a hundred lamps. What's after you? She said,
(45:36):
here's jumpy as a goat. He found he was unable
to speak. His heart was wheezing in his throat. I yes,
he finally brought out. She was jabbering and laughing as
she started to help him off with his coat. No, no,
he said, I'll put it here. He took it off
(45:56):
and put it on a chair near the door. Your
hat and gloves too, She said, you're in a lady's house.
He put his hat on top of the coat. Missus
Barrows seemed larger than he had thought. He kept his
gloves on. I was passing by, he said, I recognized.
(46:18):
Is there anyone here? She laughed louder than ever. No,
she said, we're all alone. You're white? Is a shek
you funny man? Whatever has come over you, I'll mix
you a toddy. She started toward a door. Across the room.
Scotch and so to be all right, But say you
don't drink, do you? She turned and gave him her
(46:40):
amused look. Mister Martin pulled himself together. Scotch and soda
will be all right, he heard himself say. He could
hear her laughing in the kitchen. Mister Martin looked quickly
around the living room for the weapon he had counted
on finding one. There there were and irons, and a poker,
and something in a corner that looked like an Indian club.
(47:01):
None of them would do it, couldn't be that way.
He began to pace around. He came to a desk.
On it lay a metal paper knife with an ornate handle.
Would it be sharp enough? He reached for it and
knocked over a small brass jar. Stamps spilled out of
it and fell onto the floor with a clatter. Hey,
Missus Barrows yelled from the kitchen. Are you tearing up
(47:23):
the pea patch? Mister Martin gave a strange laugh. Picking
up the knife, he tried its point against his left wrist.
It was blunt. It wouldn't do. When Missus Barrows reappeared
carrying two high balls, mister Martin, standing there with his
gloves on, became acutely conscious of the fantasy. He had
(47:46):
wrought cigarettes in his pocket, a drink prepared for him.
It was all too grossly improbable. It was more than that,
it was impossible. Somewhere in the back of his mind,
a vague idea stirred sprouted. For heaven's sake, take off
(48:09):
those gloves, said missus Barrows. I always wear them in
the house, said mister Martin. The idea began to bloom,
strange and wonderful. She put the glasses on a coffee
table in front of a sofa and sat on the sofa.
Come over here, you odd little man, she said. Mister
(48:31):
Martin went over and sat beside her. It was difficult
getting a cigarette out of the pack of camels, but
he managed it. She held a match for him, Laughing well,
she said, handing him his drink. This is perfectly marvelous,
you with a drink and a cigarette. Mister Martin puffed,
not too awkwardly, and took a gulp of the highball.
(48:55):
I drink and smoke all the time, he said. He
clinked his glass against hers. Here's nuts to that old
wind bag fit whiler, he said, and gulped again. The
stuff tasted awful, but he made no grimace. Really, mister Martin,
she said, her voice and posture changing, you are insulting
our employer. Missus Barrows was now all special advisor to
(49:21):
the President. I am preparing a bomb, said mister Martin,
which will blow the old goat higher than hell. He
had only had a little of the drink, which was
not strong. It couldn't be that. Do you take dope
or something, Missus Barrows asked coldly. Heroine said, mister Martin.
(49:42):
I'll be coked to the gills when I bumped that
old buzzard off. Mister Martin, she shouted, getting to her feet,
that will be all of that. You must go at once.
Mister Martin took another swallow of the drink. He tapped
his cigarette out in the ash tray and put the
pack of camels on the coffee table. Then he got up.
She stood glaring at him, walked over and put on
(50:05):
his hat and coat. Not a word about this, he said,
and laid an index finger against his lips. All Missus
Barrows could bring out was a Really, mister Martin put
his hand on the doorknob sitting in the catbird's seat,
he said. He stuck his tongue out at her and left.
(50:29):
Nobody saw him go. Mister Martin got to his apartment
walking well before eleven. No one saw him go in.
He had two glasses of milk after brushing his teeth,
and he felt elated. It wasn't tipsy in is because
he hadn't been tipsy anyway. The walk had worn off
all effects of the whiskey. He got in bed and
(50:51):
read a magazine for a while. He was asleep before midnight.
Mister Martin got to the office at eight thirty the
next morning as usual. At a quarter to nine, old
Jean Barrows, who had never before arrived at work before tens,
swept into his office. I'm reporting to mister Fitwiler now,
she shouted. If he turns you over to the police,
(51:11):
it's no more than you deserve. Mister Martin gave her
a look of shocked surprise. I beg your pardon, he said.
Missus Barrow snorted and bounced out of the room, leaving
Miss Paard and Joey Hart staring after her. What's the
matter with that old devil, now, asked Miss Paired, I
have no idea, said mister Martin, resuming his work. The
(51:34):
other two looked at him, and then at each other.
Miss Paired got up and went out. She walked slowly
past the closed door of mister Fitwiler's office. Missus Barrows
was yelling inside, but she was not brain. Miss Paired
could not hear what the woman was saying. She went
back to her desk. Forty five minutes later, missus Barrows
(51:55):
left the President's office and went into her own, shutting
the door. It wasn't until half an hour later that
mister Fitwiler sent for mister Martin, the head of the
filing department. Neat, quiet, attentive, stood in front of the
old man's desk. Mister Fitweiler was pale and nervous. He
took his glasses off and twiddled them. He made a
small ruffing sound in his throat. Martin, he said, you
(52:21):
have been with us more than twenty years. Twenty two, sir,
said mister Martin. In that time pursued the President. Your
work and your manner have been exemplary. I trust so, sir,
said mister Martin. I have understood, Martin, said mister Fitwaller,
that you have never taken a drink or smoked. That
(52:44):
is correct, sir, said mister Martin. Ah yes, mister Fitwiler
polished his glasses. You may describe what you did after
leaving the office yesterday, Martin, he said, certainly, sir. He said,
I walked home, then I went to Shafts for dinner. Afterward,
I walked home again, and I went to bed early, sir,
(53:06):
and read a magazine for a while. I was asleep
before eleven. Ah yes, said mister Fitwiler. Again. He was
silent for a moment, searching for the proper words to
say to the head of the filing department, Missus Barrows.
He said, finally, Missus Barrows has worked hard, Martin, very hard.
(53:29):
It brings me to report that she has suffered a
severe breakdown. It has taken the form of a persecution
complex accompanied by distressing hallucinations. I'm very sorry, sir, said
mister Martin. Missus Barrows is under the delusion, continued mister Fitwiler,
that you visited her last evening and behaved yourself in
(53:53):
an unseemly manner. He raised his hand to silence mister
Martin's little, pained outcry. It is the nature of these
psychological diseases, mister Fitwiler, to fix upon the least likely
and most innocent party as the source of persecution. These
matters are not for the lay mind to grasp, Martin.
(54:16):
I've just had my psychiatrist, doctor Fitch, on the phone.
He would not, of course commit himself, but he made
enough generalizations to substantiate my suspicions. I suggested to missus Barrows,
when she had completed her story to me this morning,
that she visited doctor Fitch for I suspected a condition.
(54:39):
At once she flew, I regret to say, into a
rage and demanded requested that I call you on the carpet.
You may not know, Martin, but Missus Barrows had planned
a reorganization of your department, subject to my approval. Of course,
subject to my approval. This brought you, rather than anyone
(55:00):
else to her mind. But again, that is a phenomenon
for doctor Fitch for us. So Martin, I'm afraid Missus
Barrow's usefulness here is at an end. I'm dreadfully sorry, sir,
said mister Martin. It was at this point that the
door to the office blew open, with the suddenness of
(55:22):
a gas main explosion and missus Barrows catapulted through. It
is the little rad denying it, She screamed. He can't
get away with that. Mister Martin got up and moved
discreetly to a point beside mister Fitwailer's chair. You drank
and smoked at my apartment, she bawled at mister Martin,
and you know it. You called mister Fitwaller an old
(55:43):
wind bag and said you were gonna blow him up
when you got coked to your gills on your heroine.
She stopped yelling to catch her breath, and a new
glint came into her popping eyes. If you weren't set
to drab, ordinary, little man, she said, I'd think you'd
planned it all, sticking your tongue out, saying you were
(56:05):
sitting in the cat buried seat because you thought no
one would believe me when I told it. My god,
it's really too perfect. She brayed loudly and hysterically, and
the fury was on her again. She glared at mister Fitweler.
Can't you see how he has checked us, you old fool?
Can't you see his little game? But mister Fitwiler had
(56:29):
been surreptitiously pressing all the buttons under the top of
his desk, and employees of fn S began pouring into
the room. Stockton said, Missus Fitchwiler, you and Fishbine will
take missus Barrows to her home. Missus Powell, you will
go with them. Stockton, who had played a little football
in high school, blocked Missus Barrows as she made for
mister Martin. It took him and fish Mine together to
(56:52):
force her out of the door. Into the hall, crowded
with stenographers and office boys. She was still screaming imprecations
at mister Martin. Tangled and contradictory imprecations. The hubbub finally
died out down the corridor. I regret that this has happened,
said mister Fitwiler. I shall ask you to dismiss it
(57:15):
from your mind. Martin. Yes, sir, said mister Martin, anticipating
his chiefs. That will be all. By moving to the door,
I will dismiss it. He went out and shut the door,
and his step was light and quick in the hall.
When he entered his department, he had slowed down to
(57:37):
his customary gait, and he walked quietly across the room
to the double twenty file, wearing a look of studious concentration.
From the Thurber Conival The Catbird Seat by James Thurber.
(58:08):
I've done all the damage I can do here. Thank
you for listening. Countdown. Musical directors Brian Ray and John
Phillip Schenel arranged, produced, and performed most of our music.
Mister Ray was on the guitars, bass and drums. Mister
Shaneale handled orchestration and keyboards, and it was produced by
Tko Brothers. Other music, including some of the Beethoven compositions,
arranged and performed by the group No Horns Allowed. The
(58:30):
sports music is the Olderman theme from ESPN two, written
by Mitch Warren Davis, courtesy of ESPN Inc. Our satirical
and pithy musical comments are from Nancy Faust, the best
baseball stadium organist ever. Our announcer today was my friend
Dennis Leary, and everything else was pretty much my fault,
although I'd like to blame it on the interpreter. That's
(58:52):
countdown for this two hundred and twenty ninth day until
the twenty twenty four presidential election. The one and seventy
second day since dementia. J Trump's first attempted coup against
the democratically elected government of the United States. Use the
Fourteenth Amendment and the not regularly given elector objection option,
use the Insurrection Act, use the justice system, use the
(59:14):
mental health system to stop him from doing it again
while we still can. The next scheduled countdown is Tuesday.
Bulletins as the news warrants till then, I'm Keith Oldrimman.
Good morning, good afternoon, good night, and good luck. I
(59:41):
had the scoop that you had the contract. Then I
had the story, the plane and the hours. I wish
you had signed with Toronto Deer Show. Hey, because now
my career has been sent to the showers. Where where
are you?
Speaker 2 (01:00:01):
Do not?
Speaker 1 (01:00:03):
How could you leave me here all alone? I searched
the world over and I thought up out of towney,
But you met the Dodgers and he was gone. Think.
Nancy f host Countdown with Keith Olderman is a production
of iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio app,
(01:00:26):
Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Countdown with Keith Olderman is a production of iHeartRadio Whenever
Trump stands up in front of his cult this weekend
(00:25):
and tries to make Ashley Bobbitt into a martyr and
plays the new second national anthem, the Ashley Bobbitt January
sixth Hostages song. Remember he is even more full of
shit than you knew before. Testimony from January sixth from
a White House valet in the back dining room from
which Trump watched the riot he caused, watched the attempt
(00:47):
to sack the Capitol. Watch the attempt to overthrow democracy
in this nation was made public for the first time yesterday,
and it shows that Trump was handed a note card
reading quote one ex civilian gunshot wound to chest at
door of House chamber. The valet saw the card quote.
(01:08):
I remember seeing that in front of him. Yeah, The
valet was asked by the investigator. Do you remember the
president's reaction when he received this note? No, I mean
I just remember seeing it in front of him. I
don't remember how it got there or whatever. But there
was no like reaction, no like reaction. This is not
(01:31):
a shocking revelation. We know Trump cares about no human life.
But his own does not truly understand that there is
any human life besides his own. But it is stark
and grotesque, and even at the remove of three years
and two months and sixteen days, it is enraging a woman,
(01:52):
however dangerous, however misguided, however lost, a woman who was
trying to destroy her own country has been shot through
the chest, and he can't even be bothered to react
to it, and now he is using her. We know
(02:14):
this happened. We know of Trump's in humanity. We know
of this testimony because this heretofore unknown interview by the
House January sixth Committee was released yesterday by the Republicans
who are now trying to discredit that committee, trying to
somehow exonerate Trump, trying to rewrite history, gaslight the world,
(02:34):
and make Trump and his terrorists by proxy, the victims
and not the traders. And of course those House Republicans
have completely screwed it up. Trump looks worse and worse
and worse per Politico, those moron Trump Congress whores thought
(02:55):
one fact in this testimony would make Trump look heroic
and concerned, and of course it just makes him look
more of a coward and more of a weakly. They
thought this testimony by the understandably unidentified valet would show
that during his coup, Trump wanted to talk to General
Mark Milly and Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, and
(03:18):
thus that would make this their fault. The Republicans in
the House either did not notice or did not understand
that the valet's testimony shows that if Trump really did
think it would have been responsible to call Milli or
Pelosi or both of them, he begged off and didn't
do it. Quote, what I remember about the National Guard
(03:40):
was him wanting to talk to national or talk to
General Milly and Speaker Pelosi about the National Guard. Those
were two of the three conversations that I knew he
wanted or telephone calls that he wanted to make was
to Speaker Pelosi and General Milly about the National Guard.
I remember hearing that just and then the rest is redacted.
(04:04):
Then come, who's the point Trump's apologists ignored? They asked
the valet if he heard that Trump had spoken to
either one of them, since he was in the room
with Trump, I do not know if any of those
phone calls were connected or not. Of course, we know
from General Millie and Speaker Pelosi, and what's left of
(04:25):
the phone records that Trump talked to no one who
could have helped stop the insurrection that day. We know,
because we know what Trump is, that he talked to
no one who could have stopped it because he did
not want it stopped. I'm going to stop mocking the
House Republicans now who put out this transcript, because they
have added to our knowledge of just how derelict in
(04:46):
his duties Trump was. On January sixth, it does say
there at eleven twenty, the interviewer says to the valet
call with v Potus, are you aware of the call
that the president had with the vice president on the
morning of the sixth. The valet answers, yes, sir, tell
me about that. What do you remember the valet was
(05:07):
in the room with Trump. There's six and one quarter
lines redacted and then quote, Mike, this is a political
career killer if you do this. Do what's right. And
at that time, I was already walking out of the
Oval office, and I did hear Vice President Pence like
start talking. I could just tell in his Trump's voice
(05:30):
when he was talking to the Vice president that he
was disappointed and frustrated me and him. I think close
to the end of the day, he just mentioned that
Mike let him down, unquote. So on January sixth, Trump
really did threaten Pence over his refusal to breach the
Constitution and stop the peaceful transfer of power. And then
(05:54):
for the testimony of the valet, Trump sat there most
of the time in the private dining room in the
back and just watched the carnage unfold for TV. The
ballet said, Fox News, CNN, and he thinks Fox Business
and MSNBC for three hours quote, he only really moves
in between the private dining room, the bathroom, the Oval office,
(06:16):
and the outer Oval office unquote. And then Ashley Bobbitt
was shot and killed. And the next thing of substance
Trump said hours later was Mike let him down. He
sat there, he watched, he worried, he worried about himself.
Screw Bobbitt, screw the cops, screw the senators, screw the congressman,
(06:44):
screw the Vice president, screw America. The Republicans think this
will help Trump because he may have briefly thought of
calling General Millie or Speaker Pelosi instead. It just underscores
that whatever he thought whatever went through that brain of
(07:05):
his during one of the brief interludes in which he
was not thinking about himself. Ultimately, he did not call
General Millie, and he did not call Speaker Pelosi. And
the road to hell is paved with good intentions or
Trump's intentions. And just to put the exclamation point at
the end of the sentence, Trump is a traitorous, sub
(07:29):
human terrorist. Down there on page sixty six of seventy
of this transcript, brought up for reasons or related to
details we cannot see because of redactions, there is the
final revelation that at his core, Trump is an angry, thwarted,
stupid toddler. Question, do you remember the president ever tearing
(07:53):
up or destroying documents that he had seen? The Valet
then answers quote, That's typically what he would do once
he's finished with a document. But that was his sign
of like he was done reading it, and he would
just throw it on the floor. He would tear everything,
tear newspapers, tear pictures. On January sixth, he would, you know,
(08:14):
it didn't have to be that picture, but as an example,
he likes to look at pictures and he would just
tear it once he's done looking at it and just
throw it on the floor. That led to the obvious
follow up question, do you remember the president doing that
on January the sixth? Then finally the valet gives an
answer that might explain why somebody thought this document would
(08:34):
help Trump, or at least the valet starts to give
an answer that might explain why somebody thought this would
help Trump. Quote, I don't remember, sir, but you know,
it wouldn't surprise me that there was a pile. And then, lastly,
and most disturbingly, the plaintive plea from somebody else who
(08:59):
has made the terrible, life destroying decision to trust Trump.
The questioner asks if the valet wants to put anything
else on the record before they close. Quote, again, it's
just me personally. I'm just like paranoid and this is
like and my anxiety. I just I really don't Again,
(09:21):
I don't like, I'm really worried about my name or
my title or anything to associate me with this, because again,
typically I just really don't want to be involved in
this because I don't think, you know, it was my
job to be involved, But that's what I just really
want to be able to protect my name and myself
(09:41):
from anybody trying to reach out to me. So the
Republicans release the transcript and somebody there can figure out
who this is and jeopardize this man's life. And somewhere
he has heard about them putting this transcript out, and
(10:02):
he did not sleep last night because the Republicans thought
the fact that he didn't see everything that others saw
and testified to that that exonerates Trump or dirties up
the committee and changes the dialogue about January sixth, because
he said Trump wanted to call Millie and Pelosi even
(10:24):
though oops, he didn't, because the Republicans and Trump would
be happy to see his mob hang this poor man
if it meant Trump looked one percent less guilty of
treason than he does right now. And so once again,
to hell with all them. Trump, First, hey want to
(11:11):
buy a golf course? Slightly used in the first sign
that the New York Attorney General Letitia James does not
expect Trump to come up with the bond for the
four hundred and sixty four million dollars, and she does
not expect him to pay the money himself, and she
does not expect him to declare bankruptcy and thus stall
and complicate further. It was revealed yesterday that her office
has filed judgments two weeks ago in Westchester County. The
(11:35):
first step a creditor takes to recover property in lieu
of a debt ode the step you take before the
lean and the foreclosure. What Trump owns in suburban Westchester
is seven Springs, an a state in Mount Kisco, a
(11:55):
surprisingly ungaudy looking mansion, and what else uh golf course
net value around thirty million dollars. In fact, seven Springs
came up during the hearings before Judge Arthur Andngern. It
is one of the reasons Judge Enngarn penalized Trump so heavily.
A professional appraiser assessed it in twenty fourteen at being
(12:18):
worth thirty million dollars. In Trump's financial statement he said
it was worth two hundred and sixty one million dollars.
So if the plan is to seize that, it will
not be the last property they sees. Meanwhile, in the
Stormy Daniel's case, Good News Everyone, Alvin Bragg has told
the court that in that case that Trump's document dump
(12:41):
stall there is barely relevant. In his filing, he says
that of the more than one hundred thousand pages of
evidence and testimony just turned over by federal prosecutors, the
pages Trump demanded, fewer than two hundred and seventy pages
are quote relevant to the subject matter of the case.
(13:02):
And thus the trial, which should have started Monday, should
in fact start on time as rescheduled on Monday, April fifteenth.
And from the ridiculous to the absurd, if the Republicans
(13:26):
hurt Trump by releasing that Valet's transcript, there is always
the Democrat who can hurt President Biden. They have pulled
his coffin out of the crypt and stood Merrick Garland upright,
and they have asked him about his ten eared, irresponsible, amateurish,
injurious decision to not take out Robert k HER's amateur
(13:52):
neurology guesswork report from hers self destructive pro Trump Special
Council report on President Biden and those documents, and Garland
is in rare aged quote. It's consistent with the precedents
the full disclosure of all Special Council reports in the
entire twenty five years in which the regulation has been
(14:13):
in effect. The idea that an attorney general would edit
or redact or censor the Special Council's explanation for why
the Special Council reached the decision the Special Council did.
That's absurd. No one from the White House has said
that to me unquote. One assumes if that last part
(14:38):
is the case, if Garland is not lying that no
one from the White House has said that to him,
it's because the White House has already figured out what
has become increasingly clear to the rest of us since
the day he was sworn in as Attorney General. That
it's just a question now of when firing him will
(14:58):
hurt President Biden the least politically, and that Merrick Garland
is not worth the price of the oil with which
to fry him in hell for its day three of
(15:24):
the show, Hey me the money gambling scandal, and it's
hard to believe the Los Angeles Dodgers could have done
something that could have made it all exponentially worse. But
they sure have. For Chelsea Janes of The Washington Post
after the Dodgers' second and final opening series game from Soul,
South Korea, quote Dodgers' public relations guarded Otani's locker as
(15:48):
he changed then told reporters he would not be speaking.
When reporters surrounded his locker, asking if he had a
second anyway, he walked by and out of the clubhouse,
saying what the Japanese reporters translated as have a good night.
So now, on top of everything else, there's also a
stone wall, and maybe a cover up, and certainly a
(16:10):
dare to every single investigated journalist in two countries, sports
and non sports journalists here and in Japan, who not
only recognize that the real prospect of one of the
greatest sports scandals of all time is suddenly a perceptible
thing with definable features, but each of whom is also
(16:32):
living in a world in which their jobs and their
employers are in mortal peril. And I guarantee you each
one of them is thinking, if I can only break
this story, I can save my paper and the entire industry.
Just review this for a second. On Tuesday, representatives of
the biggest star in baseball show Hey Otani, fresh off
(16:54):
having signed a seven hundred million dollar free agent contract
with the Los Angeles Dodgers. Representatives of Otani told ESPN
that Otani had transferred four and a half million dollars
to a bookie on behalf of his translator and maybe
his best friend in American baseball if A Misihara. Otani's
(17:15):
people then set up a ninety minute interview with ESPN
for the translator, Misuhara, who explained Otani was paying off
his gambling debts for him so that he would stop
gambling and paid the bookie directly so that Misuhara would
not have access to the money and use it to
place more bets in one of the few states where
sports gambling is still illegal, and while baseball still has
(17:37):
a death penalty for any player associating with illegal gamblers.
Misihara then addressed the Dodgers team with Otani in the
locker room present and told the he's my friend, he
paid off my debts story. After Tuesday's game in South Korea,
the same Otani reps who sent Misahara to talk to
(17:58):
ESPN then said none of that was true and that
Misihara was lying. The Los Angeles Times then reported Otani's
name had surfaced in an investigation of the bookmaker's illegal
activities in Orange County, California. Otani's lawyers then said Otani
had been the victim of a massive theft of millions
of dollars, and the Dodgers promptly fired the translator Misuhara.
(18:24):
Sources around Otani then leaked that the first Otani had
heard of any of this was after the Dodgers game
in Seoul on Tuesday, and then yesterday, sources throughout baseball
indicated that neither the Commissioner's office nor anybody else in
the industry was conducting an investigation into Otani, into Mizuhara,
(18:46):
or into any of the various different stories that have
so far been produced, and most recently, the Dodgers kept
the media away from Otani, and then they all headed
home from South Korea, and of course there wouldn't be
any reporters trying to follow up on any of this
in the media market. The Dodgers call home, which is
Check's notes, Southern California, which only consists of twenty four
(19:10):
million residents. For my part, I was flashed back to
Southern California back thirty five years and to the parking
lot of the Palm Springs Public Library in Palm Springs, California,
which is next to what was Gene Autry Stadium, which
is where the California Angels baseball team used to hold
(19:30):
the second half of its spring training, and I'm there
because I'm covering it for Channel two in Los Angeles.
And the library is A where our camera is for
my live shot, and B where the shade is, and
C where my copy of the new edition of Sports
Illustrated is the April third, nineteen eighty nine edition with
(19:51):
the title Pete Rose under Siege and a picture of
him forlornly tossing a ball in the air because a
winter of whispers about Pete Rose gambling on baseball that
everybody had denied had suddenly exploded, and the entire sports
world had been turned into the hunt to catch Pete Rose.
(20:14):
Before you wonder why I would invoke Rose at this stage,
the La Time story yesterday about Otani began, and I'm quoting, show,
Hey Otani, is no Pete Rose, at least not yet, unquote.
And here we are again reliving my flashback in the
parking lot, except it's going to be the hunt to
catch show Hey Otani. And if the Dodgers don't realize
(20:36):
that they're run by a bunch of morons, because even
if Otani is completely innocent here somehow, and if he
wired four and a half million dollars to a bookie
to pay for four and a half million really good cookies.
He may have still broken the law even if Otani
(20:57):
is completely innocent here, somehow, Otani and his reps, and
the team and Major League Baseball have already screwed this
up so bad that they may have eclipsed whatever the
interpreter did or did not do yesterday I said they
had to answer as quickly as possible the old Watergate
cliche updated. What did show hey Otani know and when
(21:19):
did he know it? Just since then, the actions of
Otani and his representatives and the Dodgers and Major League
Baseball have quintupled the number of questions that must be
satisfied as quickly and thoroughly and honestly as possible. Why
have you issued two or is it three, different official
(21:40):
versions of Otani's story? How could Otani have acknowledged he
sent the bookie four and a half million dollars, then
insist the money had been stolen from him, and then
insists he knew nothing about any of this? How long
did the team know about this? Is the interpreter just
trying to take a fall for Otani? Why did a
(22:01):
Dodgers source remind ESPN that whatever happened, it happened when
Otani was playing for the Angels, and maybe most saliently,
the fired translator Misuhara told ESPN in that interview that
his annual salary was between three hundred thousand and five
hundred thousand dollars. What kind of self respecting bookie would
(22:22):
let a guy with that level of income run up
four and a half million dollars in unpaid gambling losses.
Every hour that passes without this being addressed and resolved
increases the chances that the true story here will be
disastrous for sho Hey Otani, for the Los Angeles Dodgers,
for Major League Baseball, disastrous as in suspensions and lifetime
(22:46):
banishments and tips of icebergs. Because that flashback, I had
to my live shot from the library about the start
of the Pete Rose scandal the end of March nineteen
eighty nine. That flashback actually ends in New York on
August twenty fourth, nineteen eighty nine, where I'm at the
press conference where the Commissioner of Baseball, the actor Paul
(23:10):
Jamadi's late father, Bart is announcing that Pete Rose has
been banned for life. PostScript. The most expensive regular baseball
card of Shoahi Otani, not autographed by him, not one
(23:31):
of a kind, not glow in the dark. It's now
a twenty twenty Tops Opening Day series photo variation. With
Otani standing at the batting cage and looming over his
shoulder you see the figure of his pal and interpreter
Ife Misuhara. The eBay price for this card one and
(23:53):
seventy nine dollars. There's also an if A Misuhara autograph
Baseball available on eBay nineteen hundred and ninety nine dollars
and ninety nine cents. Baseball's signed by Pete Rose, inscribed
I'm sorry, I bet on baseball. Your cost ninety nine bucks.
(24:16):
Also of interest here a top Trump advisor or former
Trump advisor. It's hard to tell anymore, says Chief Justice
John Roberts. Was despicable for not sparing Peter Navarro from prison,
and they plan to now appeal that decision to Jesus
Jesus H. Christ. That's next. This is countdown. This is
(24:42):
Countdown with Keith Olberman still ahead of us on this
(25:06):
edition of Countdown Fridays with Thurber And since we are
on the verge of another baseball season, or another baseball
scandal of biblical proportions, or both. Let's go back to
that wonderful mix of Thurber and Red Barber, the Great
Reds and Brooklyn Dodgers and New York Yankees play by
play man the cat bird seat next in Fridays with
(25:26):
Thurber first, Still more idiots talk about the daily roundup
of the miscrants, morons and Dunning Kruger effects specimens who
constitute two days worst persons than the first. The Bronze
should do that, as Red Barber shouldn't. I Today's what's
pusins in the world, y'all? First, the Bronze worse the
(25:47):
Tampa Bay Rays baseball team. They're owned by a friend
of mine, in fact, but they have gone and done it.
They have traded shortstop Greg Jones to the Colorado Rockies
in exchange for a minor league pitcher. That minor league
pitcher's name is Joe Rock. He is now Joe Rock
of the Tampa Bay Rays. Until this awful news today,
(26:09):
he had the chance to become Joe Rock of the
Colorado Rockies. Thus he will not join the annals of
such perfect player placements as Johnny Podres of the San
Diego Padres, Butch Metzger of the New York Mets and
Ted Cox of the Red Sox instead, Joe Rock will
(26:31):
have to be filed with Cubs Stricker who never played
for the Chicago Cubs, Jim Brewer will never pitched for
the Milwaukee Brewers, Randy Cardinal who never appeared for the
Saint Louis Cardinals, Galen Pitts who never played for Pittsburgh,
Tyler Houston who never played for Houston, oh Yank Terry
of the Red Sox, Johnny and Sam Dodge who were
(26:51):
never Dodgers, and of course outfielder Angel Bravo who never
played for either the California Angels or the Atlanta Braves.
It's a damn shame. The runner up Wurser Congressman Tim Burchett,
the serial facial hair alterer beard sometimes mustache, soul patch,
(27:12):
then clean shaven, then a different kind of mustache. Constant
facial hair realignment is considered by some psychologist as a
sign of emotional unsteadiness, if not actual distress. You know
what else is That's a sign of retweeting Russian propaganda.
The Midas Network reports that Yesterday, Congressman Burchett retweeted what
(27:33):
at first looked like a news story claiming President Zelenski
of Ukraine was offended by the Trump proposal to make
any military help to that country only in the form
of loans that must be repaid. Burchett's account added quote,
bite in the hand that feeds you. This is what
zero accountability looks like. You know what being a dupe
(27:55):
for Russian propaganda looks like, Bob Yeah, Jim Jordan and
James Comer. Yep, when Ron Johnson, But in this case,
when the article attached to your snide subtweet was in
fact published and tweeted by RT Russian state television. Somebody
in Burchet's office figured this out, deleted the retweet within
(28:16):
an hour, and then presumably he went home and shaved
his head. But our winner the worst, Liz Harrington. I
no longer know how to describe Liz Harrington because she
used to be Trump's principal on the record spokesperson. Then
they gave that role to some ex UFC fighter with
eight different necks, and then they hired another woman named
(28:39):
Levitt who may have gone to the same dental office
Christy nom did that infomercial for and does everything but
wave her hand like the Queen while she's reading the
press release. It appears Liz Harrington may have been fired
two months ago, and if that's the case, presumably it
had something to do with her increasingly bizarre comments which
(28:59):
more and more seemed to conflate Trump with God. Suddenly,
Liz Harrington is back after a couple of months, appearing
with Steve Sloppy Bannon on the Real America's Voice Channel,
which is a streaming propaganda service for those who find
Newsmax too balanced. Liz Harrington and apparently now works for them,
(29:21):
though they idd her as former Trump senior advisor and
guess what, her trolley is completely off the tracks. She's
gone full. Jesus can overrule the Supreme Court. While complaining
about Peter Navarro going to prison.
Speaker 2 (29:37):
Thank God, we do not have to appeal to Chief
Justice John Roberts. A despicable thing he did, and one
man making a decision to keep to send Peter to prison. Well,
thank god, we don't have to rely on his mercy
because he has none. We rely Our appeal is to Heaven.
(29:58):
This is what we need to start doing. We have
a power that is so much greater than these evil people.
God laughs at them. He laughs at them. So we
need to start using it. We need to start using
Jesus Christ. We need to use the word, and we
need to pray.
Speaker 1 (30:16):
Now, Look, why should we be worried about them doing
this appeal to heaven jazz? I mean the appeal to
Heaven flag was used by John Adams and the revolutionaries
and the Revolutionary War figures, And no Maga thinks appeal
to heaven means you ask God to help and then
he tells you to go and kill some liberal somewhere.
(30:38):
And then when they arrest you, all you have to
do is say God told me to do this, and
they say, well that's all right, then you are free
to go. That's the way they're now framing appeal to heaven.
So if you want to know what this is really about,
just look in the eyes of Liz. I'm not crazy,
I'm not hallucinating. I'm just looking right into Jesus's eyes,
aren't I Jesus Harrington Two Day's Worse Person World. It's
(31:06):
an schemic episode. Lady. Here's the number one story on
(31:29):
the countdown, And since it is the weekend, edition. It's
time for some James Thurber. The Catbird Seat combines two
of my all time favorite things, Thurber and baseball broadcasting.
As Thurber will reveal in the story, the title comes
from a catchphrase used by the Brooklyn Dodgers legendary announcer
Red Barber, the man who trained Vin Scully and is
(31:50):
my late friend Vin's only true competition for greatest baseball
play by playing man of all time. I met Red
Barber once I interviewed him for CNN. He called me
Keith throughout the interview. I was so starstruck. It's pretty
much all I remember from the interview. Anyway. Bert Lancaster
bought the movie rights to this story and he got
(32:13):
Billy Wilder to commit to direct it. Well, how come
you've never heard of this perfect sounding film, The Catbird Seat,
directed by Billy Wilder. They sold the rights and in
nineteen sixty the film was made, but they relocated it
from Manhattan to Scotland, starring Peter Sellars dressed up as
(32:34):
an old man as mister Martin. It's okay unless you've
read the story or had it read to you from
the Thurber Carnival nineteen forty five. The Catbird Seat by
James Thurber. Mister Martin bought the pack of camels on
(32:54):
Monday night in the most crowded cigar store on Broadway.
It was theater time, and seven or eight men were
buying cigarettes. The clerk didn't even glance at mister Martin,
who put the pack in his overcoat pocket and went out.
If any of the staff at F and S had
seen him by the cigarettes, they would have been astonished,
(33:14):
for it was generally known that mister Martin did not smoke,
and never had. No one saw him. It was just
a week to the day since mister Martin had decided
to rub out missus old Jean Barrows. The term rub
out pleased him because it suggested nothing more than the
(33:34):
correction of an error, in this case, an error of
mister Fitweiler. Mister Martin had spent each night of the
past week working out his plan and examining it as
he walked home. Now he went over it again for
the hundredth time. He resented the element of imprecision, the
margin of guesswork that entered into the business. The project,
(33:58):
as he had worked it out was casual and bold.
The risks were considerable, something might go wrong anywhere along
the line, and therein lay the cunning of his scheme.
No one would ever see in the cautious, painstaking hand
of Irwin Martin, head of the filing department at F
(34:19):
and S, of whom mister Fitweiler had once said, man
is fallible, but Martin isn't. No one would see his hand,
that is, unless he were caught in the act. Sitting
in his apartment drinking a glass of milk, mister Martin
(34:39):
reviewed his case against missus Old Jean Barrows, as he
had every night for seven nights. He began at the beginning.
Her quacking voice and braying laugh at first profaned the
halls of FNS. On March seventh, nineteen forty one, mister
Martin had a head for dates. Old Roberts, the personnel chief,
(35:01):
had introduced her as the newly appointed special advisor to
the president of the firm, mister Fitweiler. The woman had
appalled mister Martin instantly, but he had not shown it.
He had given her his dry hand a look of
studious concentration in a faint smile. Well, she said, looking
(35:22):
at the papers on his desk, are you lifting the
ox cart? Out of the ditch. As mister Martin recalled
that moment over his milk, he squirmed slightly. He must
keep his mind on her crimes as a special advisor,
not on her peccadillos as a personality. This he found
difficult to do. In spite of entering an objection and
(35:44):
sustaining it. The faults of the woman as a woman
kept chattering on in his mind like an unruly witness.
She had, for almost two years now baited him in
the halls, in the elevator, even in his own office,
into which she romped now and then like a circus horse.
(36:04):
She was constantly shouting these silly questions at him. Are
you left in the ox cart out of the ditch?
Are you tearing up the pea patch? Are you hollering
down the rain barrel? Are you scraping around the bottom
of the pickle barrel? Are you sitting in the catmurried seat.
It was Joey Hart, one of mister Martin's two assistants,
(36:30):
who had explained what the gibberish meant. She must be
a Dodger fan, he had said. Red Bob announces the
Dodger games over the radio, and he uses these expressions
picked them up down south. Joey had gone on to
explain one or two, Tearing up the pea patch meant
going on a rampage. Sitting in the catbirds seat meant
(36:53):
sitting pretty like a batter with three balls and no
strikes on him. Mister Martin dismissed all this with an effort.
It had been annoying, It had driven him nearer to distraction,
but he was too solid a man to be moved
to murder by anything so childish. It was unfortunate, he reflected,
(37:13):
as he passed on to the important charges against Missus Barrows,
that he had stood up under it so well. He
had maintained always an outward appearance of polite tolerance. Why
I even believe you like the woman misspaired, his other
assistant had once said to him. He had simply smiled
(37:36):
a gavel wrapped in mister Martin's mind, and the case
proper was resumed. Missus Aul Jean Barrows stood charged with wilful,
flatant and persistent attempts to destroy the efficiency and system
of FINS. It was confident material and relevant to review
her advent and rise to power. Mister Martin had got
the story from miss Paired, who seemed always able to
(37:57):
find things out. According to her, Missus Barrows had met
mister Fitwaller a party where she had rescued him from
the embraces of a powerfully built, drunken man who had
mistaken the president of F and S for a famous
retired middle Western football coach. She had led him to
(38:19):
a sofa and somehow worked upon him a monstrous magic.
The aging gentleman had jumped to the conclusion there and
then that this was a woman of singular attainments, equipped
to bring out the best in him and in the firm.
A week later he had introduced her into F and
S as his special adviser. On that day, confusion got
(38:45):
its foot in the door. After miss Tyson, mister Brundage,
and mister Bartlett had been fired and mister Munson had
taken his hat and stalked out mailing. In his resignation letter,
Old Roberts had been emboldened to speak to mister Fitweiler.
He mentioned that mister Munson's department had become a little disrupted,
(39:06):
and hadn't they perhaps better resumed the old system there,
mister Fitwaller had said certainly not. He had the greatest
faith in missus Barrow's ideas. They require a little seasoning.
Little seasoning is all, he had added. Mister Roberts had
given it up. Mister Martin reviewed in detail all the
(39:26):
changes wrought by missus Barrows. She had begun chipping at
the cornices of the firm's edifice, and now she was
swinging at the foundation stones with a pickaxe. Mister Martin
came now in his summing up to the afternoon of Monday,
November two, nineteen forty two, just one week ago. On
that day, at three pm, Missus Barrows had bounced into
(39:49):
his office. Boo, she had yelled, Are you scraping around
the bottom of the pickle barrel? Mister Martin had looked
at her from under his green eye shade, saying nothing.
She had begun to wander about the office, taking it
with her great popping eyes. Do you really need all
these filing cabinets, she had demanded. Suddenly, mister Martin's heart
(40:15):
had jumped each of these files, he had said, keeping
his voice even plays an indispensable part in the system
of f and s. She had brayed at him, while
don't tear up the pea patch and gone to the door.
From there she had bawled, but you sure have got
a lot of fines scrap in here. Mister Martin could
(40:40):
no longer doubt that the finger was on his beloved department.
Her pickaxe was on the upswing poise for the first blow.
It had not come yet. He had received no blue
memo from the enchanted mister Fitweiler bearing nonsensical instructions deriving
from this obscene woman, But there was no doubt in
(41:01):
mister Martin's mind that one would be forthcoming. He must
act quickly. Already a precious week had gone by. Mister
Martin stood up in his living room, still holding his
milk glass. Gentlemen of the jury, he said to himself,
I demand the death penalty for this horrible person. The
(41:28):
next day, mister Martin followed his routine as usual. He
polished his glasses more often and once sharpened and already
sharp pencil. But not even mispaired noticed. Only once did
he catch sight of his victim. She swept past him
in the hall with the patronizing hi. At five point thirty.
He walked home as usual and had a glass of
milk as usual. He had never drunk anything stronger in
(41:51):
his life, unless you could count ginger Ale. The late
Sam Schlosser, the s of F and S had praised
mister Martin at a staff meeting several years before for
his temperate habits. One of our most efficient workers. Neither
drinks nor smokes, he had said, the results speak for themselves.
Mister Fitweiler had sat by, nodding approval. Mister Martin was
(42:16):
still thinking about that red letter day as he walked
over to the Shafts restaurant on Fifth Avenue near forty
sixth Street. He got there, as he always did, at
eight o'clock. He finished his dinner and the financial page
of the New York Sun quartered at nine. As he
always did, it was his custom after dinner to take
a walk. This time he walked down Fifth Avenue at
a casual place. His gloved hands felt moist and warm,
(42:40):
his forehead cold. He transferred the camels from his overcoat
to a jacket pocket. He wondered as he did so,
if they did not represent an unnecessary note of strain.
Missus Sparrows smoked only Lucky's. It was his idea to
puff a few puffs on a camel after the rubbing out,
(43:01):
stub it out in the ashtray, holding her lipstick, saying
luck keyes, and thus drag a small red herring across
the trail. Perhaps it was not a good idea. It
would take time. He might even choke too loudly. Mister
Martin had never seen the house on West twelfth Street
where Missus Barrows lived, but he had a clear enough
(43:23):
picture of it. Fortunately, she had bragged to everybody about
her decky first floor apartment in the perfectly darling three
story red brick. There would be no doorman or other attendants,
just the tenants of the second and third floors. As
he walked along, mister Martin realized that he would get
there before nine thirty. He had considered walking north on
(43:47):
Fifth Avenue from Shrafts to a point from which it
would take him until ten o'clock to reach the house.
At that hour people were less likely to be coming
in or going out. But the procedure would have made
an awkward loop in the straight thread of his casualness,
and he had abandoned it. It was impossible to figure
when people would be entering or leaving the house anyway,
(44:07):
There was a great risk at any hour. If he
ran into anybody, he would simply have to place the
rubbing out of Old Jean Barrows in the inactive file forever.
The same thing would hold true if there was someone
in her apartment. In that case, he would just say
that he had been passing by, recognized her charming house,
(44:27):
and thought to drop in. It was eighteen minutes after
nine when mister Martin turned into twelfth straight. A man
passed him, and a man and a woman talking. There
was no one within fifty paces. When he came to
the house halfway down the block. He was up the
steps and in the small vestibule, and no time pressing
the bell under the card that said missus Old Jean Barrows.
(44:49):
When the clicking in the locks started, he jumped forward
against the door. He got inside fast, closing the door
behind him. A bulb in a lantern hung from the
hall ceiling on a chain seemed to give a monstrously
bright light. There was nobody on the stair which went
up ahead of him along the left wall. A door
opened down on the hall on the wall on the right.
He went toward it swiftly on tiptoe. Well, for God's sakes,
(45:12):
look who's here, bawled Missus Barrows, and her brain laugh
rang out like the report of a shotgun. He rushed
past her like a football attacker, bumping her. Hey quit shoving,
she said, closing the door behind them. They were in
her living room, which seemed to mister Martin to be
lighted by a hundred lamps. What's after you? She said,
(45:36):
here's jumpy as a goat. He found he was unable
to speak. His heart was wheezing in his throat. I yes,
he finally brought out. She was jabbering and laughing as
she started to help him off with his coat. No, no,
he said, I'll put it here. He took it off
(45:56):
and put it on a chair near the door. Your
hat and gloves too, She said, you're in a lady's house.
He put his hat on top of the coat. Missus
Barrows seemed larger than he had thought. He kept his
gloves on. I was passing by, he said, I recognized.
(46:18):
Is there anyone here? She laughed louder than ever. No,
she said, we're all alone. You're white? Is a shek
you funny man? Whatever has come over you, I'll mix
you a toddy. She started toward a door. Across the room.
Scotch and so to be all right, But say you
don't drink, do you? She turned and gave him her
(46:40):
amused look. Mister Martin pulled himself together. Scotch and soda
will be all right, he heard himself say. He could
hear her laughing in the kitchen. Mister Martin looked quickly
around the living room for the weapon he had counted
on finding one. There there were and irons, and a poker,
and something in a corner that looked like an Indian club.
(47:01):
None of them would do it, couldn't be that way.
He began to pace around. He came to a desk.
On it lay a metal paper knife with an ornate handle.
Would it be sharp enough? He reached for it and
knocked over a small brass jar. Stamps spilled out of
it and fell onto the floor with a clatter. Hey,
Missus Barrows yelled from the kitchen. Are you tearing up
(47:23):
the pea patch? Mister Martin gave a strange laugh. Picking
up the knife, he tried its point against his left wrist.
It was blunt. It wouldn't do. When Missus Barrows reappeared
carrying two high balls, mister Martin, standing there with his
gloves on, became acutely conscious of the fantasy. He had
(47:46):
wrought cigarettes in his pocket, a drink prepared for him.
It was all too grossly improbable. It was more than that,
it was impossible. Somewhere in the back of his mind,
a vague idea stirred sprouted. For heaven's sake, take off
(48:09):
those gloves, said missus Barrows. I always wear them in
the house, said mister Martin. The idea began to bloom,
strange and wonderful. She put the glasses on a coffee
table in front of a sofa and sat on the sofa.
Come over here, you odd little man, she said. Mister
(48:31):
Martin went over and sat beside her. It was difficult
getting a cigarette out of the pack of camels, but
he managed it. She held a match for him, Laughing well,
she said, handing him his drink. This is perfectly marvelous,
you with a drink and a cigarette. Mister Martin puffed,
not too awkwardly, and took a gulp of the highball.
(48:55):
I drink and smoke all the time, he said. He
clinked his glass against hers. Here's nuts to that old
wind bag fit whiler, he said, and gulped again. The
stuff tasted awful, but he made no grimace. Really, mister Martin,
she said, her voice and posture changing, you are insulting
our employer. Missus Barrows was now all special advisor to
(49:21):
the President. I am preparing a bomb, said mister Martin,
which will blow the old goat higher than hell. He
had only had a little of the drink, which was
not strong. It couldn't be that. Do you take dope
or something, Missus Barrows asked coldly. Heroine said, mister Martin.
(49:42):
I'll be coked to the gills when I bumped that
old buzzard off. Mister Martin, she shouted, getting to her feet,
that will be all of that. You must go at once.
Mister Martin took another swallow of the drink. He tapped
his cigarette out in the ash tray and put the
pack of camels on the coffee table. Then he got up.
She stood glaring at him, walked over and put on
(50:05):
his hat and coat. Not a word about this, he said,
and laid an index finger against his lips. All Missus
Barrows could bring out was a Really, mister Martin put
his hand on the doorknob sitting in the catbird's seat,
he said. He stuck his tongue out at her and left.
(50:29):
Nobody saw him go. Mister Martin got to his apartment
walking well before eleven. No one saw him go in.
He had two glasses of milk after brushing his teeth,
and he felt elated. It wasn't tipsy in is because
he hadn't been tipsy anyway. The walk had worn off
all effects of the whiskey. He got in bed and
(50:51):
read a magazine for a while. He was asleep before midnight.
Mister Martin got to the office at eight thirty the
next morning as usual. At a quarter to nine, old
Jean Barrows, who had never before arrived at work before tens,
swept into his office. I'm reporting to mister Fitwiler now,
she shouted. If he turns you over to the police,
(51:11):
it's no more than you deserve. Mister Martin gave her
a look of shocked surprise. I beg your pardon, he said.
Missus Barrow snorted and bounced out of the room, leaving
Miss Paard and Joey Hart staring after her. What's the
matter with that old devil, now, asked Miss Paired, I
have no idea, said mister Martin, resuming his work. The
(51:34):
other two looked at him, and then at each other.
Miss Paired got up and went out. She walked slowly
past the closed door of mister Fitwiler's office. Missus Barrows
was yelling inside, but she was not brain. Miss Paired
could not hear what the woman was saying. She went
back to her desk. Forty five minutes later, missus Barrows
(51:55):
left the President's office and went into her own, shutting
the door. It wasn't until half an hour later that
mister Fitwiler sent for mister Martin, the head of the
filing department. Neat, quiet, attentive, stood in front of the
old man's desk. Mister Fitweiler was pale and nervous. He
took his glasses off and twiddled them. He made a
small ruffing sound in his throat. Martin, he said, you
(52:21):
have been with us more than twenty years. Twenty two, sir,
said mister Martin. In that time pursued the President. Your
work and your manner have been exemplary. I trust so, sir,
said mister Martin. I have understood, Martin, said mister Fitwaller,
that you have never taken a drink or smoked. That
(52:44):
is correct, sir, said mister Martin. Ah yes, mister Fitwiler
polished his glasses. You may describe what you did after
leaving the office yesterday, Martin, he said, certainly, sir. He said,
I walked home, then I went to Shafts for dinner. Afterward,
I walked home again, and I went to bed early, sir,
(53:06):
and read a magazine for a while. I was asleep
before eleven. Ah yes, said mister Fitwiler. Again. He was
silent for a moment, searching for the proper words to
say to the head of the filing department, Missus Barrows.
He said, finally, Missus Barrows has worked hard, Martin, very hard.
(53:29):
It brings me to report that she has suffered a
severe breakdown. It has taken the form of a persecution
complex accompanied by distressing hallucinations. I'm very sorry, sir, said
mister Martin. Missus Barrows is under the delusion, continued mister Fitwiler,
that you visited her last evening and behaved yourself in
(53:53):
an unseemly manner. He raised his hand to silence mister
Martin's little, pained outcry. It is the nature of these
psychological diseases, mister Fitwiler, to fix upon the least likely
and most innocent party as the source of persecution. These
matters are not for the lay mind to grasp, Martin.
(54:16):
I've just had my psychiatrist, doctor Fitch, on the phone.
He would not, of course commit himself, but he made
enough generalizations to substantiate my suspicions. I suggested to missus Barrows,
when she had completed her story to me this morning,
that she visited doctor Fitch for I suspected a condition.
(54:39):
At once she flew, I regret to say, into a
rage and demanded requested that I call you on the carpet.
You may not know, Martin, but Missus Barrows had planned
a reorganization of your department, subject to my approval. Of course,
subject to my approval. This brought you, rather than anyone
(55:00):
else to her mind. But again, that is a phenomenon
for doctor Fitch for us. So Martin, I'm afraid Missus
Barrow's usefulness here is at an end. I'm dreadfully sorry, sir,
said mister Martin. It was at this point that the
door to the office blew open, with the suddenness of
(55:22):
a gas main explosion and missus Barrows catapulted through. It
is the little rad denying it, She screamed. He can't
get away with that. Mister Martin got up and moved
discreetly to a point beside mister Fitwailer's chair. You drank
and smoked at my apartment, she bawled at mister Martin,
and you know it. You called mister Fitwaller an old
(55:43):
wind bag and said you were gonna blow him up
when you got coked to your gills on your heroine.
She stopped yelling to catch her breath, and a new
glint came into her popping eyes. If you weren't set
to drab, ordinary, little man, she said, I'd think you'd
planned it all, sticking your tongue out, saying you were
(56:05):
sitting in the cat buried seat because you thought no
one would believe me when I told it. My god,
it's really too perfect. She brayed loudly and hysterically, and
the fury was on her again. She glared at mister Fitweler.
Can't you see how he has checked us, you old fool?
Can't you see his little game? But mister Fitwiler had
(56:29):
been surreptitiously pressing all the buttons under the top of
his desk, and employees of fn S began pouring into
the room. Stockton said, Missus Fitchwiler, you and Fishbine will
take missus Barrows to her home. Missus Powell, you will
go with them. Stockton, who had played a little football
in high school, blocked Missus Barrows as she made for
mister Martin. It took him and fish Mine together to
(56:52):
force her out of the door. Into the hall, crowded
with stenographers and office boys. She was still screaming imprecations
at mister Martin. Tangled and contradictory imprecations. The hubbub finally
died out down the corridor. I regret that this has happened,
said mister Fitwiler. I shall ask you to dismiss it
(57:15):
from your mind. Martin. Yes, sir, said mister Martin, anticipating
his chiefs. That will be all. By moving to the door,
I will dismiss it. He went out and shut the door,
and his step was light and quick in the hall.
When he entered his department, he had slowed down to
(57:37):
his customary gait, and he walked quietly across the room
to the double twenty file, wearing a look of studious concentration.
From the Thurber Conival The Catbird Seat by James Thurber.
(58:08):
I've done all the damage I can do here. Thank
you for listening. Countdown. Musical directors Brian Ray and John
Phillip Schenel arranged, produced, and performed most of our music.
Mister Ray was on the guitars, bass and drums. Mister
Shaneale handled orchestration and keyboards, and it was produced by
Tko Brothers. Other music, including some of the Beethoven compositions,
arranged and performed by the group No Horns Allowed. The
(58:30):
sports music is the Olderman theme from ESPN two, written
by Mitch Warren Davis, courtesy of ESPN Inc. Our satirical
and pithy musical comments are from Nancy Faust, the best
baseball stadium organist ever. Our announcer today was my friend
Dennis Leary, and everything else was pretty much my fault,
although I'd like to blame it on the interpreter. That's
(58:52):
countdown for this two hundred and twenty ninth day until
the twenty twenty four presidential election. The one and seventy
second day since dementia. J Trump's first attempted coup against
the democratically elected government of the United States. Use the
Fourteenth Amendment and the not regularly given elector objection option,
use the Insurrection Act, use the justice system, use the
(59:14):
mental health system to stop him from doing it again
while we still can. The next scheduled countdown is Tuesday.
Bulletins as the news warrants till then, I'm Keith Oldrimman.
Good morning, good afternoon, good night, and good luck. I
(59:41):
had the scoop that you had the contract. Then I
had the story, the plane and the hours. I wish
you had signed with Toronto Deer Show. Hey, because now
my career has been sent to the showers. Where where
are you?
Speaker 2 (01:00:01):
Do not?
Speaker 1 (01:00:03):
How could you leave me here all alone? I searched
the world over and I thought up out of towney,
But you met the Dodgers and he was gone. Think.
Nancy f host Countdown with Keith Olderman is a production
of iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio app,
(01:00:26):
Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Host
Keith Olbermann
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