March 29, 2022 • 32 mins
Emmy and her mother Hilda revisit some of Emmy’s most formative childhood memories, from San Diego to Guadalajara and back. Hearing these stories from her mother’s perspective, Emmy finds that she and her mother are connected not only through the shared struggle of addiction, but through loss.
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
High listeners, It's Emilia. As a special bonus to Crumbs,
I'll be interviewing people close to me who were part
of the journey, will reflect on my life, my search
for love, and the impact the show had on them.
In this episode, I'll be talking with my mom, Hilda.
If you already listen to the show, you know this
is the most important relationship in my life. And we
(00:22):
talked about everything here. So much was revealed in this conversation,
things that I was oblivious to. I got to see
my mom in a different light. I got to be
a part of her journey trying to raise me. Having
this conversation with my mom, it was very difficult. There
(00:46):
were a lot of painful memories that were relived, but
it made me see my mom as a totally different person.
And all I can say is it was emotional. If
you haven't heard the show yet, don't wait. Head back
to the feet and start the journey from step one.
(01:07):
We'll be here when you're done. Okay, let's get started.
So the podcast, what did you think of it? I
was trying to listen to this podcast as this is
(01:31):
emmy story, not this is my daughter's. It just was
easier to separate the two. I mean, of course there
were times when I was like it was just like
step step, you know, But Um, you went through a
lot of ship. You know you're insecurities because I think
(01:53):
that was the main thing for you being insecure and
asking yourself, what am I doing wrong? Why don't they
like me? Why can't I find love? You know? Um?
And I feel that you have grown with every single relationship,
(02:16):
You've learned something new, because that's what we do, right,
We learn from all our hurts. Who do you think
is my ideal type of man? Who? I don't know who,
but I could tell you what I think is your
(02:37):
ideal man is a man that of course loves you,
accepts you, and lets you be yourself. A man that
if you're upstairs watching something and he's downstairs, you're okay
with it because you guys are still there together and
(02:58):
you share everything together there. You don't have to try
to take care of him or protect him. Of course,
as a mother, I want a man that's going to
take care of you and and and never hurt you,
never let anything happen to you. I just want you
(03:18):
to find that perfect partner that you're comfortable with. And
that you can be your total self whether you're screaming
or throwing off it whatever, and he's okay with it
and you're okay with it. You know what I mean?
That you guys could just have a beautiful bond, you know,
kind of like what you're Nana and thought to have.
(03:41):
I don't know how good of a relationship they have,
but they complement each other. You know, someone you could
speak and he'll finish your sentence type of guy I
don't know, just and then you're okay when he's not
they're around you, or he's okay when you're not there.
(04:04):
Does that make sense? Yeah? Okay, mom? So if you
were to write a dating profile for me, what would
it say? I'm curious. Let's see, Like, say you're filling
out like my bumble or tender profile. What would it say?
(04:25):
It would probably start out like Emmy Chica Latina, late thirties,
right because you talked about that, um, late thirties looking
to share love when that sounds kind of cheesy? Um smart?
(04:53):
What's that word I'm looking for? Um? Self sufficient? Okay,
self sufficient? It smart? Beautiful Chica Latina, late thirties, early thirties.
Let's say since you liked to change it. Interested in
(05:14):
finding a partner that I can share my my daily
dues and don't I don't know, all right, Mom, you're
definitely not writing my dating profile. So when it comes
(05:43):
to my childhood, is there a certain memory that sticks
out to you from my childhood or a certain story
that was brought up? There's a few. Um, First, I
want to say that you were the most beautiful, special
(06:06):
child ever, like you loved me unconditionally. That's like the
most precious memory I have of your childhood. That you
didn't care, like the time in the hotel. So many
other times you didn't care what we were doing, what
we were going through. You were happy to be with me,
(06:29):
and and and that's what I hold in my heart.
You know, you mentioned the hotel story. Let's talk about it, Okay,
So there was actually too, but let's we'll talk about
the first one walk let me hear it, okay. So
when I was listening to you talk about the time
(06:49):
at the hotel, I was thinking there was one before that.
It was right before I met Gigo. I remember that
Gig when I met in January, at the end of January,
so this was also Christmas time, and we were at
a hotel. We were at a hotel called Ela, which
was San Diego's finest if you were a crackhead, you know. Um,
(07:16):
So we were there. I had had a fight with Mommylicia,
and the only way I could really get back at
her was taking you with me, because I was your mom,
not her. So I took you and we were in
this roach infested little room. I stopped somewhere, I don't
know where. I picked up this little plastic Christmas tree,
(07:38):
and she sent your and your dear Louise to go
get you. But they couldn't take you away from me
because I was mom, even though I really didn't want
you there, because I wanted to get high and do
whatever it is I had to do. And I kept
you there because that was my way of getting back
(08:00):
at your grandma. What was that conversation like with Mattia Chavin?
With matt Luis, they hello, you know, they don't come
with us. You know he'll be better. He's got prisents waiting.
And of course when you heard that, you you wanted
to go. You wanted to go get your gifts, your
Christmas presents, and and I said no, little we have
(08:23):
presents here too. I didn't have any, but but you
weren't gonna let me go. I wasn't gonna let you go.
I don't remember that one, but I remember. I know
where it's at. It's still there, It's still there. So wow.
(08:48):
Now the hotel story that I mentioned in the podcast
at the Easy eight, Yeah, how do you remember that?
So that one I remember, Mommy, Licia was already in prison.
I was in jail waiting to go to prison. You
were staying at your nanas Andrea was not even a
(09:10):
year old, staying with Nina Loose and it was about
to be Christmas. And I was in the shoe. Actually,
I had gotten into a big fight in county jail
and I was an the shoe and for some reason
they took me back to court. Here I am thinking
I'm getting charged for this fight or whatever, but actually
solitary confinement. Solitary confinement, Um, yeah, that's where you go
(09:34):
when you get in a fight or whatever. So they
took me back to court to tell me that I
was being released to a drug rehab and so I
was super happy. I was getting out right before Christmas. Um.
I remember walking out of there. There was some people
there to pick me up from a program. I I
(09:57):
didn't even have underwear on, just that because I went
from the shoes, so I didn't have my personal property whatever.
I mean, I had clothes, but I'm just I had nothing.
Take that image out at your head. It wasn't like that.
But anyways, they take me to this place and they're
going through my paperwork or whatever, and I said, no,
need to do that, I'm leaving. Thank you for the ride,
(10:17):
and I left. Wow, And I just wanted to go
see you and Andrea, and I guess I went to
those He loaned me a car and I went and
picked you up. And but it wasn't really planning on
taking you with me because it was Christmas. But you
wanted to go with me, and I told you will.
(10:40):
We're not going to have any presents. Just go to
spend Christmas with your nana. You know how much you
like it. It's gonna be fun. And you just wouldn't
leave my side. You'd rather be in that little easy
eight room with me. I think it's so crazy how
I have such a vivid memory of that story because
(11:02):
I was what's eight years old? About eight? Yes, and
so what happened that Christmas Eve. I remember going to
the store somewhere. I picked up a little boom box,
and you were so happy, trying to make it, make
(11:23):
it so so special. You were gonna you were looking
for Christmas carols to play, looking for a movie on
the little broken down TV in the room, and I
just wanted to call my connect, you know, So what
(11:44):
I wanted was for you to go to sleep. I
was very happy to see you, very happy to have you,
and at the same time, it was it was like,
why didn't he just go with his nanna O that arrest.
(12:05):
It was very hard for me because I remember you
came home from the hospital with Andrea. He taught me
how to change your diaper, how to make a bottle,
and you left. And for the longest time, I remember
(12:29):
wanting a little brother, a little sister, and I finally
had her. Was gone. All the stability that I had
was gone, and that affected me so much. Then you
got pregnant with Andrea, and that was something I was
(12:50):
looking forward to, having that family unit. And then she's
days old. You leave, you don't come back because you
get arrested, and my little sister and I get separated.
I go to my nanas she goes to myns. And
(13:15):
even though we were close to each other in distance,
I didn't see her every day. And I just felt
like I wanted to be with you because I missed
(13:35):
you so much. Here's the thing, like, after my Milicia left,
you stepped up and became my mother. I had a
bond with you, and it was taken, it was suddenly gone.
So I imagine that's why I wanted to be with you,
(13:57):
because I missed you so much. Ok, And I wanted
you there just as bad, you know. But you have
to remember I was a full blown addict, you know.
I mean those months away in jail didn't change the
fact that I was very, very strung out and on heroin.
(14:22):
Not even in jail did that stop. So it was
like a constant fight inside of me. It was it
was a feeling of I don't know, remorse. I don't
know what the word is. I I wanted you there,
and you were so happy, and you're trying to show
me this and and trying to find a movie and
(14:44):
and and I'm like, just stop, just sit down, go
to sleep, you know. Yeah. And then the very next
day we left. We lived to alaha, why how did
that happen? Like I said, I had nothing. I got
(15:08):
out with nothing. The house, the home that we had
all our lives, was gone. Though your grandfather was a
drunk out living in someone's backyard, there was nothing there.
And I was on the run. Remember I was supposed
to go to a program and I left. So I
(15:30):
was able to talk to mommy Licia on the phone,
and she said, I said, Mom, what am I gonna do?
I have nowhere to go, I have no money, and
and you wouldn't leave my side, you know, you didn't
want to go back to your nana. So she said, leave,
Leave to Mexico. We had a house over there. She said,
until you kid think, get over and see what it
(15:51):
is you want to do. And so we left, is
my memory correct? And walked in with two heat suitcases
full of brand new clothes, toys, everything. Yes, she did.
She walked into that easy immortalent said here's your stuff.
You're leaving. That's how I remember it. It was so fast.
(16:14):
It just happened so fast. So even from prison, MOMMI
each I was taking care of us, making sure that
we were taking care of Yeah, she would have your
d fly to I want to say, like every three
to six months and bring us like more close toys,
whatever it is we needed. I don't remember that. I
do remember you had an allowance, right, you can go
(16:37):
to the bank every so often take out money. Yeah,
I wasn't allowed to take it all out, but I
could take out a certain amount. You know. We lived
pretty comfortable. Yeah, you didn't work in Mexico. We had
a maid. We had a maid, We had an you know,
the house all to ourselves. You had several cars, different cars, mhm.
(17:02):
So my meacher provided for us even from prison. I
was put into a Catholic school, a private Catholic school school.
And then I don't know how much time went by
before we switched you over to a public school down
the street, and you switched me over to public school
(17:23):
because you had a falling out with my aunt who
was the one who put us in private school? Or
is that incorrect? Well, I think it was more like
I ran out of money. I went through my Why
did you run out of money? So you mentioned we
had a few different cars. Well, after that little Volkswagen,
(17:45):
we traded it for a really nice um low rider.
In Mexico. We put a lot of money into that car.
We remodeled the house a little bit, and we brought Kiko,
came to the States, picked up Gigo, took him to
live with us. Kicko didn't initially come with us because
(18:09):
he was in prison. He was in prison, and it
just so happened that when I came to San Diego,
he was getting out the next morning, because I would
fly down here every three months after not at the beginning,
because we weren't allowed to. Your Grandma wouldn't allow it.
(18:30):
But eventually I started just coming without letting anybody know.
I missed my heroine, and Kiko came to live with us,
and then I went to ship. Yeah, and I say
that because now we have two heroneutics in the household,
(18:54):
and neither of you are working, and eventually we ran
out of money. Yeah, that's pretty much what happened. He
he did get a job as a He didn't even
speak Spanish, Mom, No he didn't, but he was very
strong and he could live those cement bags. He would
(19:15):
get paid probably like seventy five dollars a week, take
you and Andrea to McDonald's and spend it all. And
we were broken again. And the next day all right,
(19:41):
let's talk about Kiko ko waikik. Like what was it?
I mean, yes, he was very handsome, but like, how
did you mean, Kiko? How did I Mike? Like? How
(20:02):
how did Gigo come into the mix? So it's funny
because we were talking about that the other day, so
I asked me, how did you? And Grandpa me? And
I was going to help Boyo. You were in school.
I was driving to hear Boyo. I was supposed to
go pick up some people to Tijuana. And as I
(20:27):
drove in, he was standing there talking to someone and
our eyes just met and he just like followed me around.
He was there doing a drug deal. I was there
trying to do my little go to Tijuana deal. So
they told me you have to go right now, and
I'm like, I can't go right now. I have to
(20:47):
pick up my son from school. And they're like you
need to go now, and I was like, ship, what
am I gonna do? I? You know, I have to
pick up my son. And and that's when Gigo stepped
in and he's like, well, we're it's schooled. As your
son go to I can get them for you. And like, really, oh,
(21:07):
how sweet? Total stranger you know, selling drugs. But that
was very sweet of him, right, So I told him,
you go to this school and I'll see you here
in a few hours. Mind you, I could have got
arrested on the way back or whatever. But so it happened.
(21:29):
You were there waiting for me when I got back
with Giko. So Kiko went to my elementary school and
picked me up and I went with him. Yeah, a
total stranger. Yeah, you were probably used to it. I
don't remember that would have happened if you would have
(21:50):
gotten caught at the border. Did he have my nana's
phone number or what was he gonna do? So? What
if he sold me? H? Well, I'm guessing that he
would have called my friend Linda and she would have
got ahold of I don't know your nana because they
(22:13):
knew each other. I don't know. I didn't even stop
to think about that. There's you didn't think it through.
But you made it across the border. I must mean
you got paid and we went to celebrate. We took
you with us. How do we celebrate? We went um,
(22:39):
we went back to the room the same easy eight motel,
broad Pickle with us because now he was our new
cool friend. Right. He saved the day, and we stayed
there for the next thirteen days until he got arrested.
(23:01):
We got you some ice cream and turned on the
TV for you. And so I'm just going to back
up really quick because at this point in my life,
mamm with each has not in prison yet. No, she wasn't,
and and I thought just curious, because every time I
didn't get things my way, I would leave and take
(23:23):
you with me until she gave in. And she would
have given all the time. That's why we were there.
As a matter of fact, we weren't in the hotel
room thirteen days. We were there maybe seven or eight
before she came and said come home. And I'm like, well,
(23:44):
I have him, now bring him to she said, And
so we went home and she got arrested a few
days after that. Emmy was my mother's precious childhood, pride
and enjoy the apple of her eye. And any time
(24:05):
anything didn't go my way, if she took a car
away from me, um, anything, any dumb little thing that
I would throw a fit about, I would just threaten
to leave with you. And that's all it took. Sometimes
(24:27):
she would say go, but she'd come looking for us
a few days later, at the longest a week And
was this a pattern. Yes, So the disease of addiction,
it's hideous. We do things in our addiction that we
wouldn't do in our right minds. It takes us down.
(24:50):
So even though my militia had money, she had a
stable home, you're still doing these side hustles, crossing p
pool at the border to pay for your heroin habit.
There's one thing about my mother. She may have been
(25:15):
u nartical, I don't know what what would be the
word for that. She may have been caught with. She
may have been selling drugs herself, but she never enabled
my heroine habit. She never gave me a set for it.
I had to do that on my own, and so
(25:40):
I did it anyway. I could, you know, crossing people shoplifting. Today,
where I am in life with fourteen years of sobriety,
having been working on myself these fourteen years, I understand
(26:01):
why you did those things that you did. I didn't
understand at the time because I was just a kid.
And then I went through my own struggles and I
did some petty ship as well. So I understand why you.
(26:22):
I understand why you did those things, which is why
I don't hold it against you today. Yeah, it was
fucked up. Lots of things happened to me that should
never happen to a child, and for the longest time
(26:42):
I held on with and for the longest time, I
held on too, that resentment until I got sober and
I started to understand the disease of addiction and how
we think when we're active in our disease. And to
some people that might seem like it's unexcusable, like it's
(27:05):
not an excuse. She just neglect or put someone through. Hell,
I guess what I'm getting at is it takes one
to no one, you know. Yeah, And you know, I
don't know how funked up this might sound, But in
(27:28):
a way, I'm kind of glad that you went through
your own experience because it was pretty hard for me
because here I was so in love with this heroin heroin,
but I loved you too, that joy that you gave me,
like you were the only person as a little child
(27:49):
that loved me no matter what, that didn't judge me,
that didn't you liked being around me. And so I
carried all this guilt for a long time, like When
I was in jail, all I thought about was you.
I don't know if you remember. I would draw you
little pictures and send you letters or whatever, you know.
(28:14):
But the moment I walked out of there, I was
another person, like I wanted to know who had the
bag where I was going to go. Oh yeah, but
I'm gonna go see my son first. But yeah, he's
got to stay with us none or mommy, Leach or
someone because I gotta go score, you know, or Okay,
come with me. But you already know the drill. You
(28:35):
sit back and say nothing, and you accepted that. You
sit back and say nothing. Where did you learn that from?
I don't know if I learned it. It's just what
it was. What I'm getting at is okay, just because
(29:03):
you've mentioned this in the past, you grew up. Okay,
see what you're getting to? Yeah, yeah, Well you have
to remember my childhood was nothing but violence and abuse
as well. My father was an alcoholic and my mom
was emotionally sick. You know, they fought almost every day.
(29:26):
Domestic violence didn't exist back then. We had the cops
at our house at least once a week. At the
same time, they're dealing massive quantities of drugs, and you know,
I wasn't allowed to say anything. You just put your
feelings back. And so that's pretty much how it was
with you. You know, it is what it is. Well,
(29:47):
you know, I'm sorry, this is what you got. You know,
I'll buy you a toy later. Just sit back and
be quiet so we could get this done out of
the way and then we'll go watch a movie or something.
That's how it was. And and you were okay with
that for a long time until you got older, you know,
and all the anger started coming out and you started
(30:12):
letting me know how you felt, and it was ugly.
I never thought that I would have this beautiful relationship
that we have now, where we can talk, we can cook,
we can do whatever, you know, and just you're not
afraid that if I say I'll be right back, that
I'm not going to come back. You're not always trying
(30:34):
to look into my eyes to see if my pupils
are dilated, you know. And at first you were our
first Christmas together. After I got out, I saw that
in you anytime, even if someone would call me, who
was that? Were you going? Why? You're not like that anymore?
And I wouldn't trade this relationship for the world, you know,
(31:00):
m That was part one of my interview with my mom.
Tune in next week for the second half. We will
reflect on how we got to where we are today,
and that was my main goal, to just one step
at a time, show my kids that they don't have
to worry about me anymore. That's next week on Crumbs.
(31:23):
Thanks for listening. Crumbs is the production of I Heart Radios,
Michael Podcast Network, and in association with Trojan Horse. It's
produced by Margaret Catcher and and edited by Jazz Mandrometo
(31:44):
and Alex Fumeto. Original music by Daniel Peter Schmidt and
engineering by Manuel Executive produced by Jivances and Conno Burn
for I Heeart, Alex Buto for Trojan Horse, Joshua Weinstein,
Jasmundro Metro and and me Emio LEA special thanks to
(32:08):
Monissa Hendrix, Fernand Estrada and Saramta. Listen to Crumbs on
the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you
get your podcasts.
High listeners, It's Emilia. As a special bonus to Crumbs,
I'll be interviewing people close to me who were part
of the journey, will reflect on my life, my search
for love, and the impact the show had on them.
In this episode, I'll be talking with my mom, Hilda.
If you already listen to the show, you know this
is the most important relationship in my life. And we
(00:22):
talked about everything here. So much was revealed in this conversation,
things that I was oblivious to. I got to see
my mom in a different light. I got to be
a part of her journey trying to raise me. Having
this conversation with my mom, it was very difficult. There
(00:46):
were a lot of painful memories that were relived, but
it made me see my mom as a totally different person.
And all I can say is it was emotional. If
you haven't heard the show yet, don't wait. Head back
to the feet and start the journey from step one.
(01:07):
We'll be here when you're done. Okay, let's get started.
So the podcast, what did you think of it? I
was trying to listen to this podcast as this is
(01:31):
emmy story, not this is my daughter's. It just was
easier to separate the two. I mean, of course there
were times when I was like it was just like
step step, you know, But Um, you went through a
lot of ship. You know you're insecurities because I think
(01:53):
that was the main thing for you being insecure and
asking yourself, what am I doing wrong? Why don't they
like me? Why can't I find love? You know? Um?
And I feel that you have grown with every single relationship,
(02:16):
You've learned something new, because that's what we do, right,
We learn from all our hurts. Who do you think
is my ideal type of man? Who? I don't know who,
but I could tell you what I think is your
(02:37):
ideal man is a man that of course loves you,
accepts you, and lets you be yourself. A man that
if you're upstairs watching something and he's downstairs, you're okay
with it because you guys are still there together and
(02:58):
you share everything together there. You don't have to try
to take care of him or protect him. Of course,
as a mother, I want a man that's going to
take care of you and and and never hurt you,
never let anything happen to you. I just want you
(03:18):
to find that perfect partner that you're comfortable with. And
that you can be your total self whether you're screaming
or throwing off it whatever, and he's okay with it
and you're okay with it. You know what I mean?
That you guys could just have a beautiful bond, you know,
kind of like what you're Nana and thought to have.
(03:41):
I don't know how good of a relationship they have,
but they complement each other. You know, someone you could
speak and he'll finish your sentence type of guy I
don't know, just and then you're okay when he's not
they're around you, or he's okay when you're not there.
(04:04):
Does that make sense? Yeah? Okay, mom? So if you
were to write a dating profile for me, what would
it say? I'm curious. Let's see, Like, say you're filling
out like my bumble or tender profile. What would it say?
(04:25):
It would probably start out like Emmy Chica Latina, late thirties,
right because you talked about that, um, late thirties looking
to share love when that sounds kind of cheesy? Um smart?
(04:53):
What's that word I'm looking for? Um? Self sufficient? Okay,
self sufficient? It smart? Beautiful Chica Latina, late thirties, early thirties.
Let's say since you liked to change it. Interested in
(05:14):
finding a partner that I can share my my daily
dues and don't I don't know, all right, Mom, you're
definitely not writing my dating profile. So when it comes
(05:43):
to my childhood, is there a certain memory that sticks
out to you from my childhood or a certain story
that was brought up? There's a few. Um, First, I
want to say that you were the most beautiful, special
(06:06):
child ever, like you loved me unconditionally. That's like the
most precious memory I have of your childhood. That you
didn't care, like the time in the hotel. So many
other times you didn't care what we were doing, what
we were going through. You were happy to be with me,
(06:29):
and and and that's what I hold in my heart.
You know, you mentioned the hotel story. Let's talk about it, Okay,
So there was actually too, but let's we'll talk about
the first one walk let me hear it, okay. So
when I was listening to you talk about the time
(06:49):
at the hotel, I was thinking there was one before that.
It was right before I met Gigo. I remember that
Gig when I met in January, at the end of January,
so this was also Christmas time, and we were at
a hotel. We were at a hotel called Ela, which
was San Diego's finest if you were a crackhead, you know. Um,
(07:16):
So we were there. I had had a fight with Mommylicia,
and the only way I could really get back at
her was taking you with me, because I was your mom,
not her. So I took you and we were in
this roach infested little room. I stopped somewhere, I don't
know where. I picked up this little plastic Christmas tree,
(07:38):
and she sent your and your dear Louise to go
get you. But they couldn't take you away from me
because I was mom, even though I really didn't want
you there, because I wanted to get high and do
whatever it is I had to do. And I kept
you there because that was my way of getting back
(08:00):
at your grandma. What was that conversation like with Mattia Chavin?
With matt Luis, they hello, you know, they don't come
with us. You know he'll be better. He's got prisents waiting.
And of course when you heard that, you you wanted
to go. You wanted to go get your gifts, your
Christmas presents, and and I said no, little we have
(08:23):
presents here too. I didn't have any, but but you
weren't gonna let me go. I wasn't gonna let you go.
I don't remember that one, but I remember. I know
where it's at. It's still there, It's still there. So wow.
(08:48):
Now the hotel story that I mentioned in the podcast
at the Easy eight, Yeah, how do you remember that?
So that one I remember, Mommy, Licia was already in prison.
I was in jail waiting to go to prison. You
were staying at your nanas Andrea was not even a
(09:10):
year old, staying with Nina Loose and it was about
to be Christmas. And I was in the shoe. Actually,
I had gotten into a big fight in county jail
and I was an the shoe and for some reason
they took me back to court. Here I am thinking
I'm getting charged for this fight or whatever, but actually
solitary confinement. Solitary confinement, Um, yeah, that's where you go
(09:34):
when you get in a fight or whatever. So they
took me back to court to tell me that I
was being released to a drug rehab and so I
was super happy. I was getting out right before Christmas. Um.
I remember walking out of there. There was some people
there to pick me up from a program. I I
(09:57):
didn't even have underwear on, just that because I went
from the shoes, so I didn't have my personal property whatever.
I mean, I had clothes, but I'm just I had nothing.
Take that image out at your head. It wasn't like that.
But anyways, they take me to this place and they're
going through my paperwork or whatever, and I said, no,
need to do that, I'm leaving. Thank you for the ride,
(10:17):
and I left. Wow, And I just wanted to go
see you and Andrea, and I guess I went to
those He loaned me a car and I went and
picked you up. And but it wasn't really planning on
taking you with me because it was Christmas. But you
wanted to go with me, and I told you will.
(10:40):
We're not going to have any presents. Just go to
spend Christmas with your nana. You know how much you
like it. It's gonna be fun. And you just wouldn't
leave my side. You'd rather be in that little easy
eight room with me. I think it's so crazy how
I have such a vivid memory of that story because
(11:02):
I was what's eight years old? About eight? Yes, and
so what happened that Christmas Eve. I remember going to
the store somewhere. I picked up a little boom box,
and you were so happy, trying to make it, make
(11:23):
it so so special. You were gonna you were looking
for Christmas carols to play, looking for a movie on
the little broken down TV in the room, and I
just wanted to call my connect, you know, So what
(11:44):
I wanted was for you to go to sleep. I
was very happy to see you, very happy to have you,
and at the same time, it was it was like,
why didn't he just go with his nanna O that arrest.
(12:05):
It was very hard for me because I remember you
came home from the hospital with Andrea. He taught me
how to change your diaper, how to make a bottle,
and you left. And for the longest time, I remember
(12:29):
wanting a little brother, a little sister, and I finally
had her. Was gone. All the stability that I had
was gone, and that affected me so much. Then you
got pregnant with Andrea, and that was something I was
(12:50):
looking forward to, having that family unit. And then she's
days old. You leave, you don't come back because you
get arrested, and my little sister and I get separated.
I go to my nanas she goes to myns. And
(13:15):
even though we were close to each other in distance,
I didn't see her every day. And I just felt
like I wanted to be with you because I missed
(13:35):
you so much. Here's the thing, like, after my Milicia left,
you stepped up and became my mother. I had a
bond with you, and it was taken, it was suddenly gone.
So I imagine that's why I wanted to be with you,
(13:57):
because I missed you so much. Ok, And I wanted
you there just as bad, you know. But you have
to remember I was a full blown addict, you know.
I mean those months away in jail didn't change the
fact that I was very, very strung out and on heroin.
(14:22):
Not even in jail did that stop. So it was
like a constant fight inside of me. It was it
was a feeling of I don't know, remorse. I don't
know what the word is. I I wanted you there,
and you were so happy, and you're trying to show
me this and and trying to find a movie and
(14:44):
and and I'm like, just stop, just sit down, go
to sleep, you know. Yeah. And then the very next
day we left. We lived to alaha, why how did
that happen? Like I said, I had nothing. I got
(15:08):
out with nothing. The house, the home that we had
all our lives, was gone. Though your grandfather was a
drunk out living in someone's backyard, there was nothing there.
And I was on the run. Remember I was supposed
to go to a program and I left. So I
(15:30):
was able to talk to mommy Licia on the phone,
and she said, I said, Mom, what am I gonna do?
I have nowhere to go, I have no money, and
and you wouldn't leave my side, you know, you didn't
want to go back to your nana. So she said, leave,
Leave to Mexico. We had a house over there. She said,
until you kid think, get over and see what it
(15:51):
is you want to do. And so we left, is
my memory correct? And walked in with two heat suitcases
full of brand new clothes, toys, everything. Yes, she did.
She walked into that easy immortalent said here's your stuff.
You're leaving. That's how I remember it. It was so fast.
(16:14):
It just happened so fast. So even from prison, MOMMI
each I was taking care of us, making sure that
we were taking care of Yeah, she would have your
d fly to I want to say, like every three
to six months and bring us like more close toys,
whatever it is we needed. I don't remember that. I
do remember you had an allowance, right, you can go
(16:37):
to the bank every so often take out money. Yeah,
I wasn't allowed to take it all out, but I
could take out a certain amount. You know. We lived
pretty comfortable. Yeah, you didn't work in Mexico. We had
a maid. We had a maid, We had an you know,
the house all to ourselves. You had several cars, different cars, mhm.
(17:02):
So my meacher provided for us even from prison. I
was put into a Catholic school, a private Catholic school school.
And then I don't know how much time went by
before we switched you over to a public school down
the street, and you switched me over to public school
(17:23):
because you had a falling out with my aunt who
was the one who put us in private school? Or
is that incorrect? Well, I think it was more like
I ran out of money. I went through my Why
did you run out of money? So you mentioned we
had a few different cars. Well, after that little Volkswagen,
(17:45):
we traded it for a really nice um low rider.
In Mexico. We put a lot of money into that car.
We remodeled the house a little bit, and we brought Kiko,
came to the States, picked up Gigo, took him to
live with us. Kicko didn't initially come with us because
(18:09):
he was in prison. He was in prison, and it
just so happened that when I came to San Diego,
he was getting out the next morning, because I would
fly down here every three months after not at the beginning,
because we weren't allowed to. Your Grandma wouldn't allow it.
(18:30):
But eventually I started just coming without letting anybody know.
I missed my heroine, and Kiko came to live with us,
and then I went to ship. Yeah, and I say
that because now we have two heroneutics in the household,
(18:54):
and neither of you are working, and eventually we ran
out of money. Yeah, that's pretty much what happened. He
he did get a job as a He didn't even
speak Spanish, Mom, No he didn't, but he was very
strong and he could live those cement bags. He would
(19:15):
get paid probably like seventy five dollars a week, take
you and Andrea to McDonald's and spend it all. And
we were broken again. And the next day all right,
(19:41):
let's talk about Kiko ko waikik. Like what was it?
I mean, yes, he was very handsome, but like, how
did you mean, Kiko? How did I Mike? Like? How
(20:02):
how did Gigo come into the mix? So it's funny
because we were talking about that the other day, so
I asked me, how did you? And Grandpa me? And
I was going to help Boyo. You were in school.
I was driving to hear Boyo. I was supposed to
go pick up some people to Tijuana. And as I
(20:27):
drove in, he was standing there talking to someone and
our eyes just met and he just like followed me around.
He was there doing a drug deal. I was there
trying to do my little go to Tijuana deal. So
they told me you have to go right now, and
I'm like, I can't go right now. I have to
(20:47):
pick up my son from school. And they're like you
need to go now, and I was like, ship, what
am I gonna do? I? You know, I have to
pick up my son. And and that's when Gigo stepped
in and he's like, well, we're it's schooled. As your
son go to I can get them for you. And like, really, oh,
(21:07):
how sweet? Total stranger you know, selling drugs. But that
was very sweet of him, right, So I told him,
you go to this school and I'll see you here
in a few hours. Mind you, I could have got
arrested on the way back or whatever. But so it happened.
(21:29):
You were there waiting for me when I got back
with Giko. So Kiko went to my elementary school and
picked me up and I went with him. Yeah, a
total stranger. Yeah, you were probably used to it. I
don't remember that would have happened if you would have
(21:50):
gotten caught at the border. Did he have my nana's
phone number or what was he gonna do? So? What
if he sold me? H? Well, I'm guessing that he
would have called my friend Linda and she would have
got ahold of I don't know your nana because they
(22:13):
knew each other. I don't know. I didn't even stop
to think about that. There's you didn't think it through.
But you made it across the border. I must mean
you got paid and we went to celebrate. We took
you with us. How do we celebrate? We went um,
(22:39):
we went back to the room the same easy eight motel,
broad Pickle with us because now he was our new
cool friend. Right. He saved the day, and we stayed
there for the next thirteen days until he got arrested.
(23:01):
We got you some ice cream and turned on the
TV for you. And so I'm just going to back
up really quick because at this point in my life,
mamm with each has not in prison yet. No, she wasn't,
and and I thought just curious, because every time I
didn't get things my way, I would leave and take
(23:23):
you with me until she gave in. And she would
have given all the time. That's why we were there.
As a matter of fact, we weren't in the hotel
room thirteen days. We were there maybe seven or eight
before she came and said come home. And I'm like, well,
(23:44):
I have him, now bring him to she said, And
so we went home and she got arrested a few
days after that. Emmy was my mother's precious childhood, pride
and enjoy the apple of her eye. And any time
(24:05):
anything didn't go my way, if she took a car
away from me, um, anything, any dumb little thing that
I would throw a fit about, I would just threaten
to leave with you. And that's all it took. Sometimes
(24:27):
she would say go, but she'd come looking for us
a few days later, at the longest a week And
was this a pattern. Yes, So the disease of addiction,
it's hideous. We do things in our addiction that we
wouldn't do in our right minds. It takes us down.
(24:50):
So even though my militia had money, she had a
stable home, you're still doing these side hustles, crossing p
pool at the border to pay for your heroin habit.
There's one thing about my mother. She may have been
(25:15):
u nartical, I don't know what what would be the
word for that. She may have been caught with. She
may have been selling drugs herself, but she never enabled
my heroine habit. She never gave me a set for it.
I had to do that on my own, and so
(25:40):
I did it anyway. I could, you know, crossing people shoplifting. Today,
where I am in life with fourteen years of sobriety,
having been working on myself these fourteen years, I understand
(26:01):
why you did those things that you did. I didn't
understand at the time because I was just a kid.
And then I went through my own struggles and I
did some petty ship as well. So I understand why you.
(26:22):
I understand why you did those things, which is why
I don't hold it against you today. Yeah, it was
fucked up. Lots of things happened to me that should
never happen to a child, and for the longest time
(26:42):
I held on with and for the longest time, I
held on too, that resentment until I got sober and
I started to understand the disease of addiction and how
we think when we're active in our disease. And to
some people that might seem like it's unexcusable, like it's
(27:05):
not an excuse. She just neglect or put someone through. Hell,
I guess what I'm getting at is it takes one
to no one, you know. Yeah, And you know, I
don't know how funked up this might sound, But in
(27:28):
a way, I'm kind of glad that you went through
your own experience because it was pretty hard for me
because here I was so in love with this heroin heroin,
but I loved you too, that joy that you gave me,
like you were the only person as a little child
(27:49):
that loved me no matter what, that didn't judge me,
that didn't you liked being around me. And so I
carried all this guilt for a long time, like When
I was in jail, all I thought about was you.
I don't know if you remember. I would draw you
little pictures and send you letters or whatever, you know.
(28:14):
But the moment I walked out of there, I was
another person, like I wanted to know who had the
bag where I was going to go. Oh yeah, but
I'm gonna go see my son first. But yeah, he's
got to stay with us none or mommy, Leach or
someone because I gotta go score, you know, or Okay,
come with me. But you already know the drill. You
(28:35):
sit back and say nothing, and you accepted that. You
sit back and say nothing. Where did you learn that from?
I don't know if I learned it. It's just what
it was. What I'm getting at is okay, just because
(29:03):
you've mentioned this in the past, you grew up. Okay,
see what you're getting to? Yeah, yeah, Well you have
to remember my childhood was nothing but violence and abuse
as well. My father was an alcoholic and my mom
was emotionally sick. You know, they fought almost every day.
(29:26):
Domestic violence didn't exist back then. We had the cops
at our house at least once a week. At the
same time, they're dealing massive quantities of drugs, and you know,
I wasn't allowed to say anything. You just put your
feelings back. And so that's pretty much how it was
with you. You know, it is what it is. Well,
(29:47):
you know, I'm sorry, this is what you got. You know,
I'll buy you a toy later. Just sit back and
be quiet so we could get this done out of
the way and then we'll go watch a movie or something.
That's how it was. And and you were okay with
that for a long time until you got older, you know,
and all the anger started coming out and you started
(30:12):
letting me know how you felt, and it was ugly.
I never thought that I would have this beautiful relationship
that we have now, where we can talk, we can cook,
we can do whatever, you know, and just you're not
afraid that if I say I'll be right back, that
I'm not going to come back. You're not always trying
(30:34):
to look into my eyes to see if my pupils
are dilated, you know. And at first you were our
first Christmas together. After I got out, I saw that
in you anytime, even if someone would call me, who
was that? Were you going? Why? You're not like that anymore?
And I wouldn't trade this relationship for the world, you know,
(31:00):
m That was part one of my interview with my mom.
Tune in next week for the second half. We will
reflect on how we got to where we are today,
and that was my main goal, to just one step
at a time, show my kids that they don't have
to worry about me anymore. That's next week on Crumbs.
(31:23):
Thanks for listening. Crumbs is the production of I Heart Radios,
Michael Podcast Network, and in association with Trojan Horse. It's
produced by Margaret Catcher and and edited by Jazz Mandrometo
(31:44):
and Alex Fumeto. Original music by Daniel Peter Schmidt and
engineering by Manuel Executive produced by Jivances and Conno Burn
for I Heeart, Alex Buto for Trojan Horse, Joshua Weinstein,
Jasmundro Metro and and me Emio LEA special thanks to
(32:08):
Monissa Hendrix, Fernand Estrada and Saramta. Listen to Crumbs on
the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you
get your podcasts.
Host
Emmy Olea
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