October 7, 2025 • 16 mins
In this insightful episode of Culture Raises Us, Grace Harry returns to talk about what she calls “rebooting our life picker”—the choices we make about who we allow into our lives and how those choices shape our stories.
Grace draws from her own journey of failed relationships and personal transformation to explain why we often choose from loneliness, habit, or old wounds rather than from alignment and self-worth. She emphasizes the need to “pick yourself first” and shares how self-full living—not selfishness—sets the foundation for healthier relationships and communities.
This conversation is about raising your standards, trusting your inner GPS, and building a circle of people who reflect the love, joy, and growth you’re cultivating within.
#CultureRaisesUs #GraceHarry #RebootYourLifePicker #IntentionalLiving #HealthyRelationships #ChooseYourselfFirst #SelfWorth #JoyIsOurBirthright
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
You know, over our lifetime we're constantly meeting new people,
embarking on new situations and circumstances, and within that there's
this exercise of who we pick across the board to
round out our journey and story. The Joy strategist Grace
Harry is back to talk about this topic of rebooting
our life picker and how we can aim higher within it.
(00:25):
So when you hear the phrase rebooting our life picker,
what comes to mind for you personally?
Speaker 2 (00:31):
Yes? Well, personally, I have been, as you know, married
in divorce three times and I realized that I was
picking based on a very myopic concept of a not
one to be a certain kind of mother and a certain
kind of person, and then two based on kind of
the circumstances of my life. But not once did I
(00:52):
lean in and to feel into like, what is the
lifestyle I want to have with a partner, How do
I want to live with a partner, What kind of
relationship do I want it body for my children to
see with the partner? And as we've talked about before,
we feel comfortable, Like we get a new car, we
go for a test drive, we go to the lot,
we go to multiple lots, We pick a car, we
(01:13):
see how it feels, we drive it on the road.
We go to a supermarket, we mm. We pick a vacation.
We go into a house, We look in every closet.
But when we partners were just like, oh that one
they didn't leave. You know, I'm being dramatic. But our
life pick us. That's dating.
Speaker 1 (01:31):
That's the dating process. So right, that's the dating process.
The dating process and.
Speaker 2 (01:35):
Course, especially the wipe right thing. And we go on
the especially the dating apps. We're going to a heart
centered place with our brain and old stories. But if
we really understood that everything in life is interpersonal relationships.
Everything sitting on a subway next to somebody, working with somebody,
being on a podcast, going to supermarket to check out,
(01:57):
everything is interpersonal relationships. And if we can choose people
that prop us up, that are here for us or
you know, some people don't like to bother people, some
people don't like to ask for advice. But if you
pick group of people around your world who are there
for some of those things that you've already established you
feel comfortable with. We have shared interests, they see you
as you are. That's a big one. Not just people
(02:17):
that you have fun with. But people who really get you,
your whole world changes. They celebrate you, they support you,
they help you, they're honest with you from love. And
so if we don't start to train our life picker.
I have a lot of friends who are amazing, male
and female, who are termally single, and I think that
(02:38):
the problem is that they have not trained their own
internal picker. They haven't even picked themselves. So that's where
we have to start. You know, like I didn't choose myself.
I thought that I was in service everyone else because
what I had alone wasn't valuable. And I kind of
lived a life like that. Okay, well, and I do stuff,
let me help people, but I was never choosing myself first.
(02:58):
So when we choose ourselves, and we pick ourselves first,
and that becomes our life practice, then all of a sudden,
our worth changes, our body language changes, we're magnetizing to
other people who feel that delicious about themselves.
Speaker 1 (03:11):
And so it's not selfish. This is not being selfish,
this is not being full selfish self ooh, self full,
not selffish, not selfless, self.
Speaker 2 (03:23):
Full, that's a that's Ayavan's ant I stole right there.
Speaker 1 (03:29):
Oh well, listen you you just dropped it because I've
never heard that, and that really, that makes so much
sense when you talk about this conversation because I think
at the core, I'm trying to figure out why does
so many of us struggle with choosing, whether it's the
right people or the friendships or relationships or even mentors
and bosses. And you started with I think the core
(03:50):
of you got to be self full to be able
to do this thing really well. And then after that
there are a number of things that you can do
thereafter a.
Speaker 2 (04:01):
Thousand percent one thousand percent, and that's so full. Is
hard because there's so much in that society. What people
deem is right, but it's it's getting courageous enough to
feel like, you know what we all say, well, I'm
a king, I'm a queen black excellence, all these quotes
we have, but we don't do it in the completely,
(04:21):
in the full spectrum of it, not just because we
look shiny on the outside. But are you squeaky queen
clean in your heart? Have you attuned your heart to
the frequency of actual love and joy, meaning that everything
around you is special? You cherish yourself so well, so
training your picker means that there's nobody could come near you,
Like if I offered you now some spam, you wouldn't
(04:43):
eat it. But that's how we live in our souls
and in our personal lives. We take anything because we
don't think we're valuable enough for more. But when we
really understand that we can choose everything in our world,
the stakes get higher, the opportunities get more aligned with
our hearts. No, I loved that.
Speaker 1 (05:03):
Okay, so someone is looking at So somebody's looking at
your five closest people in your life. What would that
reveal about your picker right now?
Speaker 2 (05:13):
Yes, that's a really good one because this is something
I've worked on for years now, and I really do
have such an amazing group of friends, and I think
they would they would see in them because I picked
them for these reasons that they are people that are
generous of heart to themselves first, they are people that
live their passion. They're people that actually love deeply and vulnerably,
(05:33):
and there are people that are Because this I realized,
and this is a really big part of choosing the picker.
I'm so glad you mentioned that. Also, knowing yourself is
important because I love to learn, like anything you want
to teach me about copper plumbing. I'm in. It's like,
just it's nothing sexier to me than learning something new.
And yet I and when I went back, when I
started doing this work, I reached out to every ex
(05:56):
from my boyfriend from YouTube to every ex husband, and
I said to them, I want to talk about kind
of the relationship. And every single one of them said, well,
you made me feel stupid. And I couldn't really understand
that because I was like, what are you talking about?
Like I propped you up and did this. But I
realized it's because my excitement to always grow is not
(06:17):
everyone's excitement to always grow. And if you're someone that
that's not your passion, you're gonna always feel immediately wrong,
like it's not enough. It's like the person who wants
to be super social and the person who loves staying
home at night. That's not a relationship. It's going to
work unless you also love to be alone a lot,
which could be, but if you don't know that, It's
like when people go to club to find someone, but
(06:37):
then they're mad their person's always at the club. Choosing
you with the picker is also picking someone who loves
the same lifestyle who excited about the similar things. My
partner now is similar, loves to learn every conversation where
like this is that and this is But my picker
not just made me wrong, but it made my partners
wrong instantly. So it had to be for me to
(06:58):
understand who I was and what turns me on on
a soul level, so that I knew what picker where
to direct my picker.
Speaker 1 (07:09):
So how do you check yourself when you realize, though,
that you've been picking from a place of loneliness and
desperation or have it rather than alignment? Like is this
something that you do to like, Oh well hold up, no, no,
we can't do that.
Speaker 2 (07:25):
Yes, well, I believe that we all have a GPS system.
We all have one, just like the car. It's our heart.
But we're so trained to be afraid of how reckless
and crazy that heart scenes the times that we stay
super brain focused, super brain focused. And so if you
can just start to feel into like even little things,
if you're walking down the street and you're going somewhere
(07:45):
you've always gone, trust your heart if it wants to
go left and you know it's to the right, start
to really work on that so that you understand that
this is the poning system right here. I don't know.
Did that answer the question?
Speaker 1 (07:58):
Yeah? And I'm I'm like, literally, I'm thinking about myself
of recent time. You know, I've what I felt, was
questioning myself a lot on certain things where I immediately
would think something and then I would start to dissect
it and then do something else. And now I'm looking
at it like maybe this is this exact thing that
she's talking about. Like I'm now looking at things through
(08:20):
a different line, and that's okay, because the great I
gotta be honest. No, But at one point I didn't
view it as that either thought I'm second guessing myself.
I'm questioning myself. Why am I doubting? What I immediately
comes to my gut is like no, because I've lived
a little bit more. And now I am thinking, no,
maybe I don't want to play that song right now.
I want to play a different type of song. And
(08:40):
there's nothing wrong with that. But Grace, I gotta tell you,
in this transition, I question and it concerned me.
Speaker 2 (08:46):
I understand. I understand that, and that's what I was
saying earlier of that we don't do enough integration. We're
different every time a new, big situation impacts our life.
And so it's that back to the it's the micro honesty,
it's the picker is vulnerability. It's literally understanding that we
live in a scavenger hunt of a life and that
we have to trust. And the more we build on it,
(09:07):
like oh it feels good, the astor that's now enjoys
these things. The astor that's now no longer wants to
do that thing, And there's so much noise on the
outside of how we're supposed to be. I think should
is one of the worst words in our language. And
so when all the things we've talked about, you know,
in all of these conversations we've had are really all
(09:28):
at the core the same thing. It's learning to get
soft and quiet confident enough, because real confidence comes from
not caring what people think and not following other people,
but being a pioneer of our lives and leaning into
how we feel.
Speaker 1 (09:45):
M All Right, So, if someone is listening today and
they're realizing their picker has been off for years, what's
the first step they can take tomorrow to start rebooting it.
Speaker 2 (09:58):
Yes, I feel like the very first step is start
to listen to your inner dialogue, like, for example, then
the analogy not analogy, the example you just gave a
minute ago is perfect because even till now, I had
a situation I told I started with telling you about
the other day where I was second guessing myself. And
so now I have a practice, an internal practice where
(10:20):
I always pause whenever I feel something is uncomfortable. I
use all of the things in my life that feel
uncomfortable or awkward to remind me that this is work
to do. Now. So if I'm in a situation where
all of a sudden I don't feel good, or I
feel or if I was like, oh, perfect example, last week,
I was feeling fantastic playing music. I was dancing all around,
(10:41):
having a fantastic time. I looked at something on my
phone for one second, and all of a sudden, I
wanted ice cream. I feel grumpy. I didn't want to
turn the music off, and I paused and said, what happened? Ah, Okay,
I saw that thing that made me feel like what
I just was doing was wrong, and I went into
the spiral based on other things had nothing to do
(11:04):
with me, and I brought it right back. I said,
you know what, Okay, how do I want to do
with that? How do I feel about that? And sometimes
we don't even know. And that's part of it too,
giving yourself the space to say, I don't know how
I feel, but I acknowledge that something is off. And
as soon as something is off, because joy is our birthright,
that's when we go to school, the bell rings and
(11:24):
we're like, okay, I got work to do. Let me
remove myself from other people for a minute, go to
the bathroom, take a quick walk, and figure out what's happening.
Ninety nine percent of our stuff comes from old traumas
and old experiences that we stored for survival to never
feel that way again. But if we really lived a
life where we never felt the same things again, we
wouldn't grow. So we got to also look at how
(11:47):
we deem things as negative and positive and bad and
good and everything is just the spectrum of information for
our complete constant self evolution.
Speaker 1 (11:59):
Well, I would tell you that's it, you know, I
was just saying that, But when you said, you know,
all of our conversations all stem from kind of the
same thing, there is something that you just said that
I feel like all of our life stems from the
same thing. And it's a concept that you've said before
(12:19):
that has stuck with me, and it's joy is our birthright,
Like I really feel like we don't have a full
ownership and grasp of joy is our birthright, Like that
is it at the end of the day. Everything else
is so secondary terti here, like joy is our birthright.
(12:41):
And I'm so glad you said that in the context
of this. And when I asked you the question of
what somebody should start doing, you know, if they felt
like their picker had been off, you know, I had
already taken a stab at you know, some practical, a
very practical start to apply to friends as partners, mentors, jobs,
and other relationships. And I'd love to walk them through
(13:04):
with you to get your sense right, because you've given
such great insight. But I also wanted to give what
I call these three filters of a healthy picker. And
the first one starts with values alignment, right, I call
it the why filter? Do the core values line up
with yours? Right? That's the first thing. Then I did
an energy exchange. I said the how filter? Do I
(13:27):
feel dreamed, confused or small? Or do I feel encouraged,
challenged and seen and then the third one was this
growth potential the wear filter. Is this helping you to
grow into the next version of yourself. Do you think
these are good filters for people to start out with.
Speaker 2 (13:44):
I love, but I want to add a prequel because
we'd build any of these until we know them for ourselves.
So how we start is with ourselves. I mean, my
favorite thing is I make all clients and friends create
what I call a meat alter, a little empty book,
and instead of it just being notes, it also anytime
anyone gives you a compliment, it goes in this book.
(14:05):
Anytime someone writes your birthday card and writes a whole
gushing thing about you, cut it out and put it
in this book. Anytime you have a new insight, put
it in this book and go back and look at
this book often and write things in it, because you'll
start to see patterns of who you actually are. It's
hard for us to see that. So start to really
like a newborn. You have a newborn, you have to
(14:27):
give it food. You know, you start giving them food.
You have to give one thing a week and write
about it. We used to do that with ourselves to
learn ourselves. There's so much noise in our head. There's
so much noise in our families. There's so much noise.
Like yes, say, I was at a birthday party and
someone came in and said, oh, I think the birthday
girls are addressed? What first of all? What? Why? But
(14:48):
we have all that all the time everywhere. You know,
we have those kinds of situations. But if we don't
do enough work, we're like, oh I should change. Oh what?
But write that down? And then after a month, look
at were there three things like that? Oh? I see,
I'm very aware of how other people think about my appearance.
So get to know yourself lovingly very important. Not because
(15:10):
when I started this process brutal grace, I mean, I'm
mean itself to myself. So I treat myself now like
a lover. And when I have insights and all of the things,
I say, oh that's okay, you're learning, Oh Grace, what
do you need? Do you need to walk? Do you
need I start to treat myself. So what you just said,
those three are perfection. But start with the eye I
(15:32):
and I as the rest of eye, and say start
with iye. And the more you I, the more you
lean into your eye, the more you know thyself. The
more that you this work becomes easy because you see
your value, understand yourself intrinsically, and therefore you can have
conversations like you and I have aster of mutual respect,
(15:53):
mutual understanding, deep listening. And if you don't have that
in places, look inside of yourself first and start that
dialogue with yourself.
Speaker 1 (16:02):
Write it down the eye, the eye, the eye, the eye.
I can't thank you enough for that. That just sums
it all up in the best way and takes it
back to start with you, which is the eye, and
then we all become a much better week. And for
that brace, I thank you once again
You know, over our lifetime we're constantly meeting new people,
embarking on new situations and circumstances, and within that there's
this exercise of who we pick across the board to
round out our journey and story. The Joy strategist Grace
Harry is back to talk about this topic of rebooting
our life picker and how we can aim higher within it.
(00:25):
So when you hear the phrase rebooting our life picker,
what comes to mind for you personally?
Speaker 2 (00:31):
Yes? Well, personally, I have been, as you know, married
in divorce three times and I realized that I was
picking based on a very myopic concept of a not
one to be a certain kind of mother and a certain
kind of person, and then two based on kind of
the circumstances of my life. But not once did I
(00:52):
lean in and to feel into like, what is the
lifestyle I want to have with a partner, How do
I want to live with a partner, What kind of
relationship do I want it body for my children to
see with the partner? And as we've talked about before,
we feel comfortable, Like we get a new car, we
go for a test drive, we go to the lot,
we go to multiple lots, We pick a car, we
(01:13):
see how it feels, we drive it on the road.
We go to a supermarket, we mm. We pick a vacation.
We go into a house, We look in every closet.
But when we partners were just like, oh that one
they didn't leave. You know, I'm being dramatic. But our
life pick us. That's dating.
Speaker 1 (01:31):
That's the dating process. So right, that's the dating process.
The dating process and.
Speaker 2 (01:35):
Course, especially the wipe right thing. And we go on
the especially the dating apps. We're going to a heart
centered place with our brain and old stories. But if
we really understood that everything in life is interpersonal relationships.
Everything sitting on a subway next to somebody, working with somebody,
being on a podcast, going to supermarket to check out,
(01:57):
everything is interpersonal relationships. And if we can choose people
that prop us up, that are here for us or
you know, some people don't like to bother people, some
people don't like to ask for advice. But if you
pick group of people around your world who are there
for some of those things that you've already established you
feel comfortable with. We have shared interests, they see you
as you are. That's a big one. Not just people
(02:17):
that you have fun with. But people who really get you,
your whole world changes. They celebrate you, they support you,
they help you, they're honest with you from love. And
so if we don't start to train our life picker.
I have a lot of friends who are amazing, male
and female, who are termally single, and I think that
(02:38):
the problem is that they have not trained their own
internal picker. They haven't even picked themselves. So that's where
we have to start. You know, like I didn't choose myself.
I thought that I was in service everyone else because
what I had alone wasn't valuable. And I kind of
lived a life like that. Okay, well, and I do stuff,
let me help people, but I was never choosing myself first.
(02:58):
So when we choose ourselves, and we pick ourselves first,
and that becomes our life practice, then all of a sudden,
our worth changes, our body language changes, we're magnetizing to
other people who feel that delicious about themselves.
Speaker 1 (03:11):
And so it's not selfish. This is not being selfish,
this is not being full selfish self ooh, self full,
not selffish, not selfless, self.
Speaker 2 (03:23):
Full, that's a that's Ayavan's ant I stole right there.
Speaker 1 (03:29):
Oh well, listen you you just dropped it because I've
never heard that, and that really, that makes so much
sense when you talk about this conversation because I think
at the core, I'm trying to figure out why does
so many of us struggle with choosing, whether it's the
right people or the friendships or relationships or even mentors
and bosses. And you started with I think the core
(03:50):
of you got to be self full to be able
to do this thing really well. And then after that
there are a number of things that you can do
thereafter a.
Speaker 2 (04:01):
Thousand percent one thousand percent, and that's so full. Is
hard because there's so much in that society. What people
deem is right, but it's it's getting courageous enough to
feel like, you know what we all say, well, I'm
a king, I'm a queen black excellence, all these quotes
we have, but we don't do it in the completely,
(04:21):
in the full spectrum of it, not just because we
look shiny on the outside. But are you squeaky queen
clean in your heart? Have you attuned your heart to
the frequency of actual love and joy, meaning that everything
around you is special? You cherish yourself so well, so
training your picker means that there's nobody could come near you,
Like if I offered you now some spam, you wouldn't
(04:43):
eat it. But that's how we live in our souls
and in our personal lives. We take anything because we
don't think we're valuable enough for more. But when we
really understand that we can choose everything in our world,
the stakes get higher, the opportunities get more aligned with
our hearts. No, I loved that.
Speaker 1 (05:03):
Okay, so someone is looking at So somebody's looking at
your five closest people in your life. What would that
reveal about your picker right now?
Speaker 2 (05:13):
Yes, that's a really good one because this is something
I've worked on for years now, and I really do
have such an amazing group of friends, and I think
they would they would see in them because I picked
them for these reasons that they are people that are
generous of heart to themselves first, they are people that
live their passion. They're people that actually love deeply and vulnerably,
(05:33):
and there are people that are Because this I realized,
and this is a really big part of choosing the picker.
I'm so glad you mentioned that. Also, knowing yourself is
important because I love to learn, like anything you want
to teach me about copper plumbing. I'm in. It's like,
just it's nothing sexier to me than learning something new.
And yet I and when I went back, when I
started doing this work, I reached out to every ex
(05:56):
from my boyfriend from YouTube to every ex husband, and
I said to them, I want to talk about kind
of the relationship. And every single one of them said, well,
you made me feel stupid. And I couldn't really understand
that because I was like, what are you talking about?
Like I propped you up and did this. But I
realized it's because my excitement to always grow is not
(06:17):
everyone's excitement to always grow. And if you're someone that
that's not your passion, you're gonna always feel immediately wrong,
like it's not enough. It's like the person who wants
to be super social and the person who loves staying
home at night. That's not a relationship. It's going to
work unless you also love to be alone a lot,
which could be, but if you don't know that, It's
like when people go to club to find someone, but
(06:37):
then they're mad their person's always at the club. Choosing
you with the picker is also picking someone who loves
the same lifestyle who excited about the similar things. My
partner now is similar, loves to learn every conversation where
like this is that and this is But my picker
not just made me wrong, but it made my partners
wrong instantly. So it had to be for me to
(06:58):
understand who I was and what turns me on on
a soul level, so that I knew what picker where
to direct my picker.
Speaker 1 (07:09):
So how do you check yourself when you realize, though,
that you've been picking from a place of loneliness and
desperation or have it rather than alignment? Like is this
something that you do to like, Oh well hold up, no, no,
we can't do that.
Speaker 2 (07:25):
Yes, well, I believe that we all have a GPS system.
We all have one, just like the car. It's our heart.
But we're so trained to be afraid of how reckless
and crazy that heart scenes the times that we stay
super brain focused, super brain focused. And so if you
can just start to feel into like even little things,
if you're walking down the street and you're going somewhere
(07:45):
you've always gone, trust your heart if it wants to
go left and you know it's to the right, start
to really work on that so that you understand that
this is the poning system right here. I don't know.
Did that answer the question?
Speaker 1 (07:58):
Yeah? And I'm I'm like, literally, I'm thinking about myself
of recent time. You know, I've what I felt, was
questioning myself a lot on certain things where I immediately
would think something and then I would start to dissect
it and then do something else. And now I'm looking
at it like maybe this is this exact thing that
she's talking about. Like I'm now looking at things through
(08:20):
a different line, and that's okay, because the great I
gotta be honest. No, But at one point I didn't
view it as that either thought I'm second guessing myself.
I'm questioning myself. Why am I doubting? What I immediately
comes to my gut is like no, because I've lived
a little bit more. And now I am thinking, no,
maybe I don't want to play that song right now.
I want to play a different type of song. And
(08:40):
there's nothing wrong with that. But Grace, I gotta tell you,
in this transition, I question and it concerned me.
Speaker 2 (08:46):
I understand. I understand that, and that's what I was
saying earlier of that we don't do enough integration. We're
different every time a new, big situation impacts our life.
And so it's that back to the it's the micro honesty,
it's the picker is vulnerability. It's literally understanding that we
live in a scavenger hunt of a life and that
we have to trust. And the more we build on it,
(09:07):
like oh it feels good, the astor that's now enjoys
these things. The astor that's now no longer wants to
do that thing, And there's so much noise on the
outside of how we're supposed to be. I think should
is one of the worst words in our language. And
so when all the things we've talked about, you know,
in all of these conversations we've had are really all
(09:28):
at the core the same thing. It's learning to get
soft and quiet confident enough, because real confidence comes from
not caring what people think and not following other people,
but being a pioneer of our lives and leaning into
how we feel.
Speaker 1 (09:45):
M All Right, So, if someone is listening today and
they're realizing their picker has been off for years, what's
the first step they can take tomorrow to start rebooting it.
Speaker 2 (09:58):
Yes, I feel like the very first step is start
to listen to your inner dialogue, like, for example, then
the analogy not analogy, the example you just gave a
minute ago is perfect because even till now, I had
a situation I told I started with telling you about
the other day where I was second guessing myself. And
so now I have a practice, an internal practice where
(10:20):
I always pause whenever I feel something is uncomfortable. I
use all of the things in my life that feel
uncomfortable or awkward to remind me that this is work
to do. Now. So if I'm in a situation where
all of a sudden I don't feel good, or I
feel or if I was like, oh, perfect example, last week,
I was feeling fantastic playing music. I was dancing all around,
(10:41):
having a fantastic time. I looked at something on my
phone for one second, and all of a sudden, I
wanted ice cream. I feel grumpy. I didn't want to
turn the music off, and I paused and said, what happened? Ah, Okay,
I saw that thing that made me feel like what
I just was doing was wrong, and I went into
the spiral based on other things had nothing to do
(11:04):
with me, and I brought it right back. I said,
you know what, Okay, how do I want to do
with that? How do I feel about that? And sometimes
we don't even know. And that's part of it too,
giving yourself the space to say, I don't know how
I feel, but I acknowledge that something is off. And
as soon as something is off, because joy is our birthright,
that's when we go to school, the bell rings and
(11:24):
we're like, okay, I got work to do. Let me
remove myself from other people for a minute, go to
the bathroom, take a quick walk, and figure out what's happening.
Ninety nine percent of our stuff comes from old traumas
and old experiences that we stored for survival to never
feel that way again. But if we really lived a
life where we never felt the same things again, we
wouldn't grow. So we got to also look at how
(11:47):
we deem things as negative and positive and bad and
good and everything is just the spectrum of information for
our complete constant self evolution.
Speaker 1 (11:59):
Well, I would tell you that's it, you know, I
was just saying that, But when you said, you know,
all of our conversations all stem from kind of the
same thing, there is something that you just said that
I feel like all of our life stems from the
same thing. And it's a concept that you've said before
(12:19):
that has stuck with me, and it's joy is our birthright,
Like I really feel like we don't have a full
ownership and grasp of joy is our birthright, Like that
is it at the end of the day. Everything else
is so secondary terti here, like joy is our birthright.
(12:41):
And I'm so glad you said that in the context
of this. And when I asked you the question of
what somebody should start doing, you know, if they felt
like their picker had been off, you know, I had
already taken a stab at you know, some practical, a
very practical start to apply to friends as partners, mentors, jobs,
and other relationships. And I'd love to walk them through
(13:04):
with you to get your sense right, because you've given
such great insight. But I also wanted to give what
I call these three filters of a healthy picker. And
the first one starts with values alignment, right, I call
it the why filter? Do the core values line up
with yours? Right? That's the first thing. Then I did
an energy exchange. I said the how filter? Do I
(13:27):
feel dreamed, confused or small? Or do I feel encouraged,
challenged and seen and then the third one was this
growth potential the wear filter. Is this helping you to
grow into the next version of yourself. Do you think
these are good filters for people to start out with.
Speaker 2 (13:44):
I love, but I want to add a prequel because
we'd build any of these until we know them for ourselves.
So how we start is with ourselves. I mean, my
favorite thing is I make all clients and friends create
what I call a meat alter, a little empty book,
and instead of it just being notes, it also anytime
anyone gives you a compliment, it goes in this book.
(14:05):
Anytime someone writes your birthday card and writes a whole
gushing thing about you, cut it out and put it
in this book. Anytime you have a new insight, put
it in this book and go back and look at
this book often and write things in it, because you'll
start to see patterns of who you actually are. It's
hard for us to see that. So start to really
like a newborn. You have a newborn, you have to
(14:27):
give it food. You know, you start giving them food.
You have to give one thing a week and write
about it. We used to do that with ourselves to
learn ourselves. There's so much noise in our head. There's
so much noise in our families. There's so much noise.
Like yes, say, I was at a birthday party and
someone came in and said, oh, I think the birthday
girls are addressed? What first of all? What? Why? But
(14:48):
we have all that all the time everywhere. You know,
we have those kinds of situations. But if we don't
do enough work, we're like, oh I should change. Oh what?
But write that down? And then after a month, look
at were there three things like that? Oh? I see,
I'm very aware of how other people think about my appearance.
So get to know yourself lovingly very important. Not because
(15:10):
when I started this process brutal grace, I mean, I'm
mean itself to myself. So I treat myself now like
a lover. And when I have insights and all of the things,
I say, oh that's okay, you're learning, Oh Grace, what
do you need? Do you need to walk? Do you
need I start to treat myself. So what you just said,
those three are perfection. But start with the eye I
(15:32):
and I as the rest of eye, and say start
with iye. And the more you I, the more you
lean into your eye, the more you know thyself. The
more that you this work becomes easy because you see
your value, understand yourself intrinsically, and therefore you can have
conversations like you and I have aster of mutual respect,
(15:53):
mutual understanding, deep listening. And if you don't have that
in places, look inside of yourself first and start that
dialogue with yourself.
Speaker 1 (16:02):
Write it down the eye, the eye, the eye, the eye.
I can't thank you enough for that. That just sums
it all up in the best way and takes it
back to start with you, which is the eye, and
then we all become a much better week. And for
that brace, I thank you once again
Host
Astor Chamber
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